Segments - 125: Get a Massage

Episode Date: January 8, 2015

In this episode we discuss being cool, social media, and breaking up with your best friend. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and TaxAct.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Coming back on a Thursday. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards,

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some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. I think... Oh, yeah. Since this is a bonus Thursday episode, we ended up getting real at the end of it. Yeah. So that was fun.

All right. Enjoy. Enjoy. This is the podcast hosted by Amir. And by all accounts, Jake is also here. They will answer your questions while they're naughty. And they'll be funny at first, but then they'll give you advice. It's a place so nice that it should come at a price.

But if it's these and the cheese, they'll help you get your next life. So if you can't remove yourself from the situation Go right on into the podcast sensation Called If I Were You If I Were You Because if I were you Well, that's what I'd do Thanks for nothing, Nathan Jorgensen.

Wow, how dare you. I like that song. It was very 80s, right? Yeah, synth. Uh-huh, synthy. Yeah, you wouldn't get synth pop. No offense, you're not a musician, but for someone like me... I am a musician.

Go ahead, though. You're someone like you what? When I hear that... You're a musician? Yeah, I am a musician. What instrument do you play? I don't play an instrument. I understand. I'm a music appreciator. So... You're a musician? Yeah, I am a musician. What instrument do you play? I don't play an instrument. I understand I'm a music appreciator.

So you're not a musician. You accurately named yourself the second time, music appreciator. I feel like the pool of people who like music is a lot bigger than people who make music. No, I don't just like music. I appreciate it. Okay. I'm a music scientist. But you don't make it.

I can't. It's hard but i know what goes into shit yeah like uh still you're not describing a musician a contractor doesn't know how to build a house yes he does he knows how to tell people to build a house that's knowing how to build a house i'm an engineer i'm a physical engineer yeah yeah because you like anya so much that's right nathan jorgensen is the guy and uh he said my website should you choose to plug it and we don't namaste namaste indeed it is champion of the heartistance.bandcamp.com. Long URL. Yeah. Championoftheheartresistance.bandcamp.com.

He can, I suggest, just like to everybody that is long, hard to pronounce, hard to spell, multi-word URL. We will sell you Koi oil. No, somebody bought Koi oil. But next time we have a Squarespace promo, we're going to give you some real legit, real legit URL ideas. Koi Oil was taken. Oh, wow, it's a Jake and Amir. Some guy turned it into a Jake and Amir type site. Oh, sweet. KoiOil.com.

Would be an improvement on champion of the heart resistance. Not that your music isn't good. It's just that you just happen to have a bad domain name. That's fine. You're putting him on blast. You made us a free song. Royalty free, actually. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet,

brought to you by us. I'm Dylan. And I'm Dylan, too. Dylan T-O-O. If we were both had the same name, we't be here right now i don't think so either i would be probably a music engineer and i'd be dead yeah what if we just were both named nathan nathan and nathan would that work the nathans would we do videos and then this probably we would have a web series called the nathan's show and everybody would think that it was just Would that work? The Nathans? Would we do videos and then this? Probably not.

We would have a web series called The Nathans Show. And everybody would think that it was just a show about Nathan until they tuned in and they saw the spelling was The Nathans Show. Oh. Hard to pronounce. And that's all. And not funny or good. Yeah. Have there ever been like writing partners or like a team of two

that had the same name i think so like john and john or something i i can't think of them now but i'm sure there have been i mean there's also like the fairly brothers and stuff right so we could just be like something like that oh we call ourselves the nathan that's two people with one name yeah well one last name right they have different first names sure of course of course. It'll be like the Mario Brothers. So then if both our names were John, we would call ourselves Hurwitz and Blumenfeld. Oh, yeah. Kind of like how Laurel and Hardy had the same name.

Right. John. So how does it work? This is an advice podcast. People write in, and they are seeking our advice. And then we read some of their emails on the show and offer it. The end. Holy shit!

125 deep and I nailed it! Nailed it. Stuck the landing. I forgot to put my phone on airplane mode. Oh. Maybe it's you too, but I hear a crickle crackle of a guy that's really trying to fuck with my shit right now.

Crickle crackle every time that I cackle. It is me and I am getting texts. Oh, I'm getting texts. A lot of them actually. Push notifications. Yeah. Here they come. When push notifications come to shove, I'm going to ask you to put it on airplane mode.

Nice. Thank you. We are going to give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity. Cool. This one is pretty epic. So why don't we come up with a real epic name for this epic dude. Hercules. Hercules writes, Hey guys, I've been in a relationship with a girl for about six months now and things have been going great for the most part.

We are basically best friends and we get along amazingly and are crazy about one another. We talk to each other constantly every day and we've never been in a fight or had any kind of conflict. Our relationship is by far the most functional and meaningful relationship I've ever been in. However, of course there's a however, there is one problem. She's afraid of having sex. She's never had a boyfriend or even been physical with another person

on any level until we started dating. Not even a hug, let alone kissing. So she's very nervous and has a lot of anxiety about physical contact in general. She's had a phobia about physical contact with other people since she was a kid, so for her to even touch me in general is still intimidating for her. She is also paranoid about getting pregnant. She's even managed to convince herself that she was pregnant when she was a teenager, despite not even having touched

a guy at that point. What makes the situation more difficult is that we're in a long-distance relationship. We live 2,000 miles apart and only get the chance to be with each other physically for a few weeks or a month at a time every two to four months. So there isn't really that much time for her to warm up to the idea of being physical with me since we are apart most of the time. I can assure you that the issue isn't about her not being sexually attracted to me because we've had the chance to mess around a few times in other ways you know what i mean and despite being very nervous she does get incredibly aroused

and believe me the flood gates open gross i feel like i've been very patient and understanding of her up until now as most guys i know would dump abroad in a heartbeat if they dropped $1,000 for a round trip and put in all the effort to visit someone internationally and didn't even get any poon out of the whole ordeal. But I really want to make this work because I do love this girl. I'm just afraid that if nothing changes this time around, I might not be able to handle the sexual frustration anymore and it might affect the relationship negatively. The next time I'll get to see this girl will be in June and chances of anything happening then are even slimmer because that will be her first time visiting me

and she'll be very shy and will most likely be too uncomfortable and nervous being in a new environment. So my question to you guys is what would you do and do you think there's a way i can get her to relax and be comfortable with being more intimate with me p.s i'm also a 21 year old virgin love hercules hercules hercules all right next question oh no that one it's the most perfect relationship it's so functional it is without flaw it is sans flaw and she is petrified to come into physical contact with me we don't live near each other or in the same country other than those two caveats it is ideal

she is extremely nervous like a rabbit grazing on a lawn if i step onto said lawn she will dart into the forest never to be seen again besides that it is great it is perfect it is wonderful i love this girl i'm just afraid that these things will start weighing on me but i'm not the kind of guy that gets pissed off that i spent a thousand dollars on a route trip flight not to get any poon she's just lucky that i'm a cool confident guy who doesn't care about that this is my one chance because when she visits me oh forget about it she is a tortoise inside her shell i will not see her there is she will be wearing a daft punk helmet she is a space helmet scared coy and odd but besides that she is mine it is true and we

are soulmates there might be a bigger issue here this girl sounds like something might have happened at one point in her life that makes her so scared right is there something she's not telling you perhaps yeah it's almost like the game shouldn't be trying to get her to fuck you, but the game should be trying to get her to overcome her physical discomfort in every sense. Yeah. That should probably be addressed. Again, we're not experts in any field, really, so I can't diagnose this girl with something, except for just having the very passive opinion that there might be something at the root of it and maybe she should talk to a professional and figure out what it is it seems like there's this knot a ball of like hair or rope at the center of her heart and it's just you're it's still there and it's clogging something

that's kind of and you can't untangle that right now you can't take it out of her because it's too thick to come out of like one pore now it's not getting poetic you have to just sort of talk coax the tangle to become undone and then pull it out of her heartstrings yeah and then once it's out there's the hole for you to slip your dick through and very poetic at the end and stuck the landing uh yeah this sounds uh i just feel like his focus shouldn't be on his penis, but on her heart. Yeah. So talk to her about talking to someone else besides you, because you maybe have a little bit of an agenda. Of course, but that's okay. It's okay to want to have sex with a girlfriend that lives 2,000 miles away.

Yes, I'm not faulting you at all for that. I just think that you'll have a more fulfilling experience if the root of the problem is addressed rather than the symptoms of the problem. Yeah, and don't feel afraid like you're going to come off as a sexual deviant by asking her to do this. I feel like you think that you're the kind of guy that's like, I'm not going to pressure her at all. But then if you don't pressure her at all forever, the problem will just still be there.

I don't think you can just naturally get rid of your anxiety. Pure heart. Do this because you care about her, not because you care about yourself. And then in so doing, if she does see someone and does figure out some shit that's bothering with her. Ipso facto. You get... Laid. shit that's bothering with her. Ipso facto, you get laid. Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting.

Ding dollar sign. Ding dollar sign. Oh, blank. Oh, you're shooting blanks, bud. She still has deep-seated issues. Pass the tissues. And you still live in Canada. So there we have it figure help her get help

otherwise it might not ever become a non-issue excuse you absolutely excuse me was that the longest question we've ever answered I don't know it was very very long yeah I think I don't think it was that the longest question we've ever answered i don't know it was very very long yeah i think at least it was the longest longest reading wise i think i did well because i didn't stumble a lot no it was very nice but if i didn't bring it up you wouldn't have said anything

yeah that's the interesting part about doing a good job yeah you like if you read it perfectly i just don't notice and i don't comment on it sometimes i would yeah sometimes i would that's not fair sometimes but most of the time you do you do well uh you know and and we'll just move on yeah there's um no no reward for a job well done just not a scolding yeah i'm an offensive lineman you only notice me when i do a poor job right if i'm doing a great amazing job it's like all right adequate fine normal one slip up you're bad i will say that calling attention to yourself in this way demanding praise uh that's bad so scold for you holy shit yep back at neutral uh all right next question this one will be a little shorter a little more uh relaxed we need the name of a 14 year old boy who aiden

based on anything specific i don't know i just feel like that's sort of a yeah it's like a new name little dicky name, it's like a new name. Little dicky name. Yeah. It's like a name of a kid who was born after the year 2000. Yeah, yeah. Hey, guys. My name is Aiden, and I'm 14 years old. I have had bad back pain for the past few months,

and after trying lots of stuff, the only option seems to be getting a massage. I'm worried that it would be weird for a kid my age to get a massage. I don't want to seem like some prissy bitch, but my back fucking kills. What's a normal age to get a massage? And keep in mind that this is not a rub and tug, just a normal massage to fix my fucked up back. I hate having my ability to seize the cheese being hindered by this old man problem.

So help. Thanks. Love, Aiden. When you edit this podcast together, you should just use the one, get a massage throughout the entire time. Oh, like use that audio clip over and over. This is not a rub and tug, just a normal,

get a massage. That's the name of this episode now. Get a massage. It is funny that a 14 year old wants a massage but it's also funny that he's like so freaked out about it that he wrote us in for implicit permission that's like one of those weird things that you would think about when you're like 14 through 18 i guess or 14 through forever really just like is this normal that it's happening to me but it doesn't matter and you can get a massage and if you're embarrassed i guess or 14 through forever really she's like is this normal that it's happening to me but it

doesn't matter and you can get a massage and if you're embarrassed i guess don't tell anyone i feel like you need to go with your parents if you're under 18 and you just go and do a massage yeah it sounds like his parents are on i feel like it's his parents idea he has this chronic back pain and it's it literally debilitating him to the point where he can't seize his cheese but he's holding out because he doesn't want a prissy bitch move get a massage have you ever gotten a massage no but that's because i'm not a fucking loser i'm not gonna fucking go there it's a dick prissy bitch move i mean i've gotten i've never gotten a like no i've never gotten a professional massage

yeah i feel like i haven't either but I feel like that'd be great. I've just never like had like been in a nice hotel and be like, I guess for the next hour, I'm going to spend $100 on a nice massage. Yeah. But I bet if I got one, it would feel great. It probably would. But if I have like the time and I want to treat myself, I'd almost always rather masturbate or drink.

Yeah. But imagine if you had enough time to masturbate masturbate drink and then get a massage i guess i do and i still don't yeah i don't know what uh probably yeah probably would be nice and i mean if you think that it will actually help your back i would think it's you're definitely more of a loser for not getting the massage at this point than you are for getting it yeah the coolest thing to do is not care right and just take care of yourself. Yeah. The coolest thing to do is not care. Right. And just take care of yourself.

Yeah. In general, the coolest thing to do is not care. It's your back. You are hurting yourself because you care about what people think. And I would say I'd be pretty surprised if any of your friends were like, you prissy bitch, you got a massage. Do you think cool people care the least or they're the best at hiding how much they care because i feel like the craziest people are the ones that care the most right like

very neurotic oh god should i do this should i go to this party oh this is so uncomfortable i'm talking out loud about how uncomfortable this is yeah i think cool people care but maybe they like actively try to not care they're just the best actors at hiding it. Or they might. Like I can act cool. Does that make me cool? I feel like cool people could also, even if they're not, like I think you could actively convince yourself to stop caring. So not even like I'm hiding the fact that I care, but you should, but rather cool people

would be like, I don't care. I can't care. I do not care. And they actually stop caring. So like at first you just have to just lie and then you become so good at lying that you don't care. I can't care. I do not care. And they actually stop caring. So at first you just have to just lie and then you become so good at lying that you don't care. Right. It's kind of like how if you tweet

or post something on Instagram or Facebook, it's not cool to say that you check how it's doing a lot. You want to check how many likes it has, how many notes it has, how many shares and retweets it has. Right. But do cool people actually not check or do they just tell people that they'd ever check i guess cool people

cool people don't even post they're so cool they're not on instagram uh i don't know well you check obsessively yeah i don't check obsessively so when you post a picture when was the when do you check how it's doing i guess like right after i posted i would refresh it to see if it like was off to a good start and then a couple minutes in i want to see if it hit the triple didge at the five minute mark i'd like to be at 115 i really would i've posted i've definitely posted and never looked no that's not true never looked never looked that's a such a lie no well maybe not never ever ever but like i you post and then just you in a day you just have you come back to it and see how it's been doing yes definitely i feel like i've heard you say like oh this picture is doing

really well yeah i mean sometimes i'll do that but i feel like it's that you say like, Oh, this picture is doing really well. Yeah. I mean, sometimes I'll do that, but I feel like it's, that's, well, I vacillate between caring a lot and not caring at all. I'm not cool all the time. Oh, so,

but there are times like when, um, when I would post something and then like go back to what I was doing and forget about it. Right. For sure. But then you do check. It's not like when you reload Instagram,

you're not like, Oh, whatever, however many likes it as I think I would. Yeah i but i wouldn't like reload instagram just to see do you have notifications on yeah i have push notifications for for everything even people um yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely every single app sends me push notifications yeah i can see that right now that's like a d Dave Rosenberg thing. You just look at his phone and he has like 90 apps. Dave also,

he also has like a weird calendar to do list as the background of his phone, but it's an Excel spreadsheet. Yeah. But from November. So it like looks kind of cool. Like he has something to do, but it's, it's really just hasn't been updated.

Well, that's sort of part of my new year's resolution is to check things less. Right. Yeah. Is it in order to be cool though, or in order to have more free time uh i think it's in order maybe a little no i don't know if it's free time because it's not like it like even if you check instagram 20 times a day that's like 20 minutes i'm not like using that to do any good i just want to like care less about that kind of stuff that's i still i guess i would i still um look at instagram a lot

i don't necessarily not like i'm looking at my own photos and seeing how they're doing and stuff but i do like refresh my feet a lot i will say it's now day six of me checking instagram only once a day which seems very insignificant but it's huge but it's big and i i i'm starting to feel the impulse to check it less and less. That's really nice. Like I've weaned myself off of caring. Like at first I would just open the app and be like, oh shit, I'm not supposed to look. And now I don't really think about it.

And then at the end of the day I look and I see like 12 photos. I'm like, oh, that was nothing. It's nothing. Although I will tell you I'm still checking Twitter. Yeah. I mean, you're big time on twitter but my friend jesse actually made the uh note that twitter is borderline like quasi news as well it's not like i'm just following news outlets well i follow like basketball writers so like i'm getting news

i guess it's technically it's like information so it seems like a step above instagram photos to me i guess so yeah i'm like checking that right i mean we all like waste time just in different ways and you've decided to stop wasting your time with instagram and waste your time with basketball yeah which is i mean it's a step up you're like knowledgeable in a different yeah but because the information you get from instagram is not useful at all right no but well can you remember anybody's photo in the last, like, three days that you've, like, does that affect your life in any way? Well, I follow a lot of, like, dog Instagrams and, like, backpacking Instagrams. So sometimes I'll see a place on Instagram that I'll, like, research and say, oh, I'd like to go there.

Oh, like you're getting mini inspiration. Mini, very mini inspiration. And I definitely i definitely like i look up dog breeds all the time on instagram dog breeds yeah like i'll see a dog and say that's a really cute dog and i'll read what breed it is and then i'll go and google other pictures of that breed of dog so that's an example of dog breeds. Let's take a break right now, and we'll be back after we thank a few more sponsors. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey

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if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full

body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're

ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Oh, hey. Are we back or are you talking to me? It's the same thing. We're back and I'm talking to you. All right. Next question. This one's social media related, so it's very apropos.

Very thematic. Yeah. Give me a name. Guy's name? That's name that's a good question oh no it's a female name amira the fuck's that supposed to mean you're obsessed with social media bullshit i check instagram once a night all right ready so my close friend has started being really annoying and uptight lately. I don't know what her problem is. Recently, I went pier jumping with her and we took some photos.

I made a photo that included both of us jumping off a pier as my cover photo on Facebook. She didn't really like how she looked in the photo, but she let it go the whole time. I then changed my cover photo to something different but a few days later changed it back to that photo of us jumping off the pier well she lost her shit she basically harassed me sending me many texts and facebook messages telling me to delete the photo because apparently she didn't want a photo of her in a bikini on facebook i for a fact know that this is not true. She is the wannabe rebel who tries to look really cool by saying she likes drugs and smoking, so I know

something as simple as a photo in her bikini wouldn't scare her. I look really good in this photo, but I don't know whether to take it down or not. It also has a lot of likes too, but I'll feel like somewhat of a bitch if I don't delete it. I don't feel too bad because she has done this many times to me in the past. She constantly uploads photos of me without even asking. And I even got into some deep shit once with my parents because she uploaded photos of us at a party that were apparently inappropriate. And that same day, my dad jokingly looked himself up on Facebook at his work and found those party photos because her account is on public.

Do I become the bitch and leave it up or just delete it? I never know what to do in situations like this with this particular friend because she's always in different moods and I feel like one moment she can forgive me and another she will attempt to publicly shame and hurt me. Thanks, Amira. I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about the dad jokingly looking up himself on Facebook while he's at work.

Well, this is sort of a cute little thing. I'll put Randy. And I'll put my last name, Jonas with three S's. There's my fucking daughter! Whoa! Ow! Amira, get in here! Ow! Ow! daughter. Ow. Mira, get it here. Ow.

Who tagged me in this photo of you doing a keg stand? Randy. Randy. Don't Randy me. You're a defense attorney, Randy. You really have to get it to her. You're a surgeon, Randy. someone's on the operating table i'll be there in

a fucking heartbeat his heart did stop beating uh this is tough uh the photo has a lot of likes these people shouldn't be friends we get a lot of email being like my best friend is a horrible meanie he's or she's been doing this this this this this and this to me ruining my life ostensibly what should i do about this well this goes also like you guys have a hateful relationship because you're like my best friend is acting like an uptight bitch and then you go on to say like a bunch of mean things unsolicited about her like i know she doesn't care if she has a bikini Facebook picture on there because she's a wannabe rebel

and she's always having these mood swings and she thinks she's so cool. Yeah. Like, you have a lot of hate in your heart for her too. People talk about best friends like they're brothers or sisters. Like, they can't get rid of them. Right.

They were their best friends for sure. And they've probably been best friends for the majority of their lives. But that's what happens with friends is that you drift in and out of best friendships. You grow apart. Yeah. Who I am at age nine is different than who I was at age 18, 27, 36, 45. That's why I fell in love with you when you were 23.

23, of course. So one way to do this one way to go about this is to delete the picture and then delete her from your life yeah I would say delete both yeah get rid of her why can't you crop it why can't you crop it

or if you get a photoshop expert to digitally remove her it is hard but people can do that why can't you just crop it though just because if it's if it's if it's like let's say it's a huge wide shot and it's two people in it you can't really crop one person out of it if they're like both in the center but you could just make it you don't have to make it your cover photo it could be your profile picture that's also bad just crop it it is funny that i care about facebook likes that's like a specific thing i don't want to take it down it has so many likes you know likes the

currency that are worthless you can't use anywhere or it doesn't really mean anything nobody really knows how many likes other people's photos have but i just i like having that many likes on a cover photo well doesn't to me i think the weird thing about likes is not like the number, but like the people who like it. Because you'll like look at, say something you post has a hundred likes. And like, I like it. Dave likes it. Marty likes it. Whatever.

But then a girl that you like likes it. Oh, yeah. My like, Marty's like, Dave's like mean nothing. Sure. All the strangers likes mean nothing. It's not the quantity. Oh, yeah. But if I take it down, I've already gotten that like. She's already kissed me. Right. So I can get rid of the photo now. I can delete all my Instagram photos, but the information that was in there that I received when I got it is still existing. Right. In fact, let's go one for one deleting each other's Instagram photos until there's none left.

Really? I'm not ready to do that. That's an interesting... If I just picked at random an instagram photo of yours and asked you to delete it is there one uh is i don't think there's one that i would care if i deleted like i guess i like having a chronicle of my last like year or two and photos that i thought were good yeah but i don't like i don't value any individual except obviously for the one the most recent one that I got that got nearly 7,000 likes.

By the way, I don't know if you guys saw the video on Facebook. If not, thank you, thank you, thank you. Humbled, honored, and coy to have you. Any of those things. To stand on you. For me to be a god to you is so... You stand on the shoulders of a giant. But it's not a giant.

It's a giant made out of 7,000 small ants. So each individual liker was a small ant to me. Actually, all of you out there, you guys stand on the shoulders of a giant god. You are ants on my shoulders. I lift you up so you can climb on mountains.

I am the wind beneath your wings. And I'm honestly humbled by it and i appreciate it and namaste for it but i don't think there's any one single instagram photo that you can delete right that's cool saying like delete this photo i do think you kind of have to delete the photo sure just delete it just so you can get it off her back like no cover photo is worth somebody like saying i hate this please please please take it down though she can like untag herself in it but i guess it's beyond that

the damage has been done delete the photo start phasing this girl out of your life yeah you guys have a bad relationship break up best friends you know oh yeah uh all right should we get to the last question should we take a break is there anything that's been going on in your life in your world how are you oh we talked about the resolutions that was that was one um how's your resolution going it's going oh it's going good yeah are you getting fat a bowl of oats than a croissant a bowl of oatmeal is definitely better than a croissant but would you say in terms of making you giving you carbs it's equal if not worse to have the bowl of mealed oats yeah i don't really subscribe to the whole carb thing.

Oh. The croissant's a shitload of butter. There's no butter in oatmeal, right? So it's the fat you're concerned about. It's not the carbs. I don't actually know, but I think that having the oatmeal with the banana is better for me than having the croissant from Starbucks.

Yeah, I would say so. It's definitely a step in the right direction. So there we go. What about just having the banana? But that, like, I just, I know I'll be really, really hungry if I have that, and I'll do something stupid. I'll do something crazy.

I'll do something dumb. Oh, shit, it's happening. It was already hard enough for me to go to Starbucks and not get a croissant. Yeah. I fear that if I have a banana, I'll get the croissant. I really have to. Just a banana for breakfast will turn into a banana get a croissant yeah yeah i fear that if i have a banana i'll get the croissant i really have just a banana for breakfast will turn into a banana and a croissant and then a drumstick those ice cream cone drumsticks and uh yeah now as soon as we're done recording this i'm gonna go to the gym and pump iron yeah so there we go so you're saying

so far so good for you well i guess it's been two days and well yesterday you did have a croissant yesterday i had a croissant but i went to the gym and i had a health and i had a nice healthy dinner and a healthy lunch yeah so there we go that's great and then today no croissant and i haven't gone to the gym yet but i'm going to it's day two you can't fucking check in with me this early. I resent the accusation. This is good. This is holding us accountable. Yeah, that's true.

Because if you slip up, then you know I'm going to tease you on this. I haven't slipped up and you're teasing me now. What's going to happen if I do? I might as well have a croissant. All right, here we go. I'm just eating it right now. Asshole. You turn into Scooby-Doo when you eat.

I don't know. Oh, Austin. Yes, our show. That's what we forgot to talk about last time. Oh, yeah. We're having two shows coming up very soon. January 23rd, Austin at the North Door. Tickets are about 70% sold out.

Shit, you should buy them. So get them now. And then we're doing another show the next night, January 24th. Is that a Sunday? I thought the 25th was Sunday. I thought the 24th was Austin. Oh, yeah. 24th, Saturday in Austin.

25th, Sunday in Houston. Yeah. That's what it is. As part of the Come and Take It Comedy Festival, Houston's first comedy festival. All right. Are we making history? Yes. Of course.

Does that mean we're like heroes? Oh, jeez. Yeah, it does. Yeah, because if you're part of history, like George Washington, for example, is a heroic hero. Yep. Hitler, Stalin.

They're all heroes. They're all part of it. Because they rewrote. By your logic. They're in the textbook. Right. We are now in the textbook of Houston comedy. Wow.

Which is pretty neat. We're humbled, honored, coy. Most of all, coyed by it. So those are going to be fun shows please come by and then stick around after and we'll have fun right yeah i would definitely say so because especially in austin saturday night dude yeah i'm gonna rage my fucking face off well what about friday night the night i'm also gonna rage my face off that sunday well friday night i'm gonna rage my face off saturday night i'm gonna rage my balls off and then sunday night i'm, I'm gonna rage my face off Saturday night. I'm going to rage my balls off Sunday night. I'm going to take it easy.

Cause it's yeah. We can, we can sort of relax a little bit. Sunday's more of like a come. We have an early flight. I actually might not even go to the show in Houston. I'm feeling a little feverish and faint right now. Yeah.

I got really hung over after the party in Austin. Can you give me that croissant real quick? Are you thinking you're going to have a croissant when you're hung over in austin uh yeah probably i let myself off the hook i i don't think there's gonna use being like don't be hard on yourself on like sunday i'll have it a cheat day i really will and that's like at least two croissants because i got a whole making up to do i'm looking forward to my cheat days already i actually might make might make tuesday a cheat day and get a late day croissant i mean i'm gonna be going to the gym so i think i've earned it i actually might not even go to the gym if the croissant weighs me down which it will uh croissant is a buttery smile that's why it's shaped like that nice uh we have

one what it really is is a buttery frown because that's how it makes you feel about yourself when you're done with the croissant do you feel sad no i feel well i feel sad that it's gone yeah but i feel so sad i feel happy when i get it i feel so happy when i'm eating it and then when it's gone i'm a little sad because it's not there anymore but i'm happy knowing that i'll i'll get one tomorrow that's how i used to feel and now i don't feel like that anymore now i make oatmeal like a fucking 91 year old um one last dude all right a male friend of ours a friend of ours well he will be a friend because we're gonna give him advice we don't actually know this person oh so it was like a guy friend of ours yeah mike mike writes i think

i may be a sociopath this all has to do with girls and this may have been a problem that jake has dealt with before but i am more like a mirror, so any advice is much appreciated. I get bored of girls. Not like once in a while. Every girl I have ever dated, I have gotten bored with, so I friendzone them. This process usually happens within a month, but lately the time it takes for boredom to set in has become even smaller. I was at a party the other day, and I met a nice girl, and we made out by the end of the party, and then I went home. And by then I was bored of her. Less than five hours later, I was bored. Another thing is that I've never gotten sad at a breakup. Usually I'm glad when they break up with me because I'm already bored

of them by that time. Any advice on how to become a normal, uh, any advice on how to become a more normal human, or at least not a sociopath, is greatly appreciated. Thanks, Mike. I was bored of her. Yeah. I went home, and I was bored. I was watching a pretty captivated TV show, but even still, I was kind of bored by it. Yeah.

I stopped the TV show, I stood up, I put my hand to my forehead and i said oh i'm bored it's it's a revelation it's so crazy shit i actually picked up a piece of wood a two by four and i said you know what this is it's a board i was floored by this board i was absolutely floored by the board then i went to open you know what i did i opened a door yeah the door yeah and then came a court i don't know where this door to court came in but i was floored and bored can you tell me lord why am i bored is bored the right term that he's is he using the word bored wrong i guess not but i also like i never i don't

think i ever get bored of like girls are so exciting because they're new if you're getting bored you're doing something wrong and you're boring maybe yeah isn't there like a phrase where it's like the only people who are if you're bored you're boring if's killing me oh you're boring oh i'm not sick but i'm not bored i think yeah you're boring because like i'm bored of you how does it feel i don't have that the problem that i have is that i'm excited all the time and that you're new and you're new and you're new and i haven't seen your butt, I haven't seen your pussy. What does it feel like? What does it look like?

What does it taste like? What does it taste like? I do genuinely want to know. So the fact that you just kiss a girl and go home and be bored, you fucked up. You're a cold steak. You're a cold, dark, purple piece of meat. I kissed her and now I'm bored.

Actually, no, maybe I felt like that too. Like the chase is over. Yeah, the chase is over. You're thrilled by the chase. That's your problem. But his chase ends at kissing. Yeah, sometimes it does. I actually do understand that.

So that's why I think I have advice for him. You just make every single thing the chase for example it's exciting that you leading up to kissing her that's great that's exciting and that's like a milestone but then you don't have to get bored then like what's your next goal i want to get her to open up to me i want to share something with her i want to touch her boobs uh don't make it all about your like sick perverted agenda no but uh but rather just like keep you keep the relationship alive through like you didn't it's not over when you kiss is basically the thing that you need to recognize

so don't consider that the end of the game right because then you're sure then you're bored you think that like you basically you beat the first level and you're bored of the video game. Yeah. You haven't gotten to a boss yet. Yeah. You're not good at the game. You're not a boss. You're not the boss of me. You have to keep on playing. Here's another thing to realize.

Every person on earth is smarter or more knowledgeable than you about something. So if you're ever bored, just try to find out what that one thing is. And then you're at the very least, you're becoming a better person by hanging out with this person yeah that's that's almost like a nice new year's resolution just try to get to know people more yeah i mean definitely i think we both do that maybe that's why you're starting to realize that but like i feel like i'll um

often just like sort of yeah just try to stop talking to people to be like oh this is i want to leave oh i want to write people off. Yeah, I'm quick to write people off. Yeah, well, that's a question I've been asking people. It's like, oh, what are you surprisingly good at or knowledgeable at? And then it's like, I'm always at least, like, the answers are always at least interesting, intriguing enough to keep the conversation going. Right, that's true. That's nice.

So that's, I guess, two bits of advice. Yes. Your shitty advice, which which was what was it again the thing about the game what was the game i have refused to answer the question if it's phrased like that you're leading me walking into a trap no you said don't don't just be content with kissing you can delve deeper into this relationship than that and mine is sort of a way to do that which is to try to gain or learn something from every interaction you have right it sounds like you're not he's not sharing anything about himself and that's not letting him feel invested and that's

allowing him to feel bored because he's just like finding shit out about somebody till they like him or something yeah but if you start uh sharing as well then you'll be a little more captivated it seems like kissing is always exciting though it's hard to like get so what's it called like when you're numb or mute or like yeah i mean that i think that happens when you just kiss a lot of people that you don't actually like which i've dealt with too so like kissing isn't even a little bit exciting isn't it always at first a little bit exciting yeah it's always at first a little bit exciting but then sometimes you're like you'll kiss someone and you'll say oh i know i don't want to take it further and i know that like i was i like being liked so i

charmed someone to the point where they wanted to put their lips on mine. And it's like, yay, that's like a micro victory. And I walk away. But I don't think that's healthy or good. I'm saying try to go beyond that. Or don't follow those roads down. Don't follow those roads if you know that's where you're going to go. If you know that you're going to kiss somebody and then walk away and be bored. Try to find somebody who excites you.

And each step of the process is going to be exciting. to kiss somebody and then walk away and be bored try to find somebody who excites you and like each step of the process is going to be exciting is it possible that he just hasn't found a really crazy cool amazing person in his life yet yeah like there's someone that'll take him out of his sociopathic shell yes but i also think that he has to give all of those people a chance right one by one going back in time this is the plot of your movie. One by one. I invented time machine and I use it not to help anybody but to just go back and get to one base further

than every girl I kissed with. It's called the one base further. It's funny, if I had a time machine I'd go back and try to convince our parents to name each other the same thing. Just to see what would happen in this alternate dimension where we're both named Nathan.

I really would be dead. Alright, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for submitting your theme songs and your thumbnails. We need everything. If you do have a theme song for us, we open and close every episode with it. The first one was by Nathan. This last one is from Jorge. Hip hip! Jorge!

Hip hip! Jorge! We also need thumbnails submissions. We're running low. Every time we post our podcast on Facebook, we use an image. 615 by 300, but we'll take what we can get. We'll crop it accordingly, unlike the girl in the third question.

And then also, if you have any questions that you want us to answer, if you're in a sticky situation or a predicament of your own, the email address for every single one of these things is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com.

We'll see you guys on Monday and we'll see you guys in Austin whether or not you're coming to the show. You will be there. Bye. This was for Josh and Amir. Ifiwereyshow at gmail.com.

The pitch lifts on. Well, if you got a problem that you think you need some help with, email this guy Sin and they will tell you how to handle it. Or maybe not, they might just laugh in your face, but it's cool cause here we're all friends. I got my American home point when I need help with my Tinder game. That one goes to Jake and Samir, they're your kind of lame. We'll be right back. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.