Segments - 126: Platonic Cuddling

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

In this episode we discuss strippers, snap chatters, and cuddle buddies. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, Vegas.com, and DraftKings.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello and welcome everybody to another episode of Jake and Amir's. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases,

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about that intro that is thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

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Otherwise, other than just to start the theme song right this second. Let's do that. Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah If the other day my girl left me, I don't know what to do On top of that, I killed my best friend's dog too I got an issue, now I know exactly what to do. Oh, oh. Jack and Amir will help me through. I'll email them if I were you and they'll tell me exactly what to do. Thank you, Jack and Amir. Thank you. Thank you, Jack and the man Thank you, thank you

Oh, oh, oh, oh Thank you, thank you Yeah You're welcome. We do deserve that. We deserve thank you and praise. We deserve a song. More. More than praise. We deserve a song. More.

More than praise. Do you think they'll sing songs of us one day? They already are singing songs of us. It's kind of cool. We deserve it. Yeah. And I'll tell you why. What?

Why? Because I think we make the world a better place. We do. You know, Sam and Frodo, when they're on the way to destroy the one... This is if I were you, the only... Okay. Ignoring you. Steam rolling.

Never even coming back. I do that every time I talk about Samwise. What is it? He says, I think Samwise asked Frodo, do you think they'll sing songs to us one day? Or maybe Frodo asked Sam that or something. But either way, they're on a mission to save Middle Earth and we do a podcast. And people weren't singing songs about them yet, but people sing songs about us.

Pretty good. Well, we're better than them because we're real. That's true. Like we're even the most terrible human is still making a more positive impact than a great fictional character that's not true at all because the fictional character isn't real fictional character has inspired millions of people oh i guess you can make that that really thin correlation but he's not but then that's really just the author the author is doing the impact sure i would say the better person than any any bad person yeah just the author. The author is doing the impact. Sure. I wouldn't say the better person than any bad person.

Yeah, the author is good. But it still creates a person that, you're dumb. That's a not-so-good argument. You're actually dumb. I finally feel comfortable enough to call you out. You're dumb. You're dumb. That was Dimitri Masumbuko on the guitar opening. Very nice. uh that was dimitri masum buko on the guitar opening very nice thank you

dimitri i feel like he really can play the guitar like a riot like a motherfucking riot true yeah he sounds like freaking me on the guitar so good first question don't respond to that i can i can sense your negativity boiling up over the edge your hate yeah uh we need more theme songs so please if you are like dimitri or um you think you can create a theme song of your own send it to if i were you show at gmail.com the more the merrier but we're running low yes we're down to i think think, less than 1,000. Wow. Yeah. We should check the 10,000 unread emails on our email account. You know what I fear is that when I look for theme songs,

I search theme and a bunch come up. But what if some don't use the word theme? They don't. You should search the word song. Yeah. What if they don't even have the word theme or song in it? Like, hey, I made this for you guys, and then it's just gone forever. For the most part.

You could also just search by attachment. Yeah, search by attachment. That's what I'll do. But what if they didn't attach it? What if it's a link to a band camp? What if it's a blank email? And that was the song. Wow.

So, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake uh people email us same email if i were you show at gmail.com and they are in need of our advice this is the show in which we offer that advice um should we get to it let's do it um oh let's let's get to this a little early this time. We're going to be in Austin in just a couple weeks. Yeah, just FYI. January 24th. Tickets are getting close. Close to 300 sold, and the capacity is 300.

So if you still haven't gotten tickets, and if you're in the Austin area, I feel like that one's going to be cool. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Cool city, cool vibe, cool venue, and we'll try to be cool too. um so it's at the north door so you can go to their website or you can go to our website if i reuse show.com and the following day we'll be in houston that's right as part of a comedy festival come and get it comedy festival houston's first comedy festival

uh all right let's uh start answering some questions these are some good questions today i'm excited about these all right you haven't even heard them no these are blind they're deaf for you because you haven't heard them yet uh can you blind can you these are dumb questions because you've never felt them is that what dumb means when you're deaf diamond dumb and deaf blind and dumb i thought it was like deaf and dumb was like you were mute or something uh no but that's mute yeah i went yeah well definitely i think it's an offensive term yeah i mean you called me dumb earlier so what did you mean by that when you called me dumb you were stupid you were you were dumb and bad your brain was being uh not good that that day uh all right let's get a fake name these These are real emails from real people.

We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Do you have a fake name for this guy? We need a theme. Well, we always have football in the brain because we record on Sundays. Right. What about football players that went to my school? Aaron Rodgers. Nice.

Hey, guys. Aaron Rodgers here. I found myself in a mental conundrum of sorts. This weekend, I was at perusing a local strip club. Not my typical scene, mind you. I spent a few dollars here and there, saw a nipple or two, and then this smoke show and I got to talking at the bar. Next thing I know, it's six in the morning,

and she is saying she is hungry and off work. I choked. No cheese was seized. But here's the predicament. I got her name and number, both verified to be real, and we talked about grabbing sushi together. The question is, do I text and pursue? What's holding me back? What is holding me back is the fact that she is a stripper. I certainly don't want to change her or judge her choices, but it does bother me a little bit.

There's an inferiority issue on my part, accepting the amount of D she has to encounter, Wow. So Aaron Rodgers is a virgin who went to a strip club for the first time. You saw a nipple or two. Uh-huh. That means two boobs, one lady. Then he started flirting with a girl. Very nice. She was into it.

I like that. She actually wanted to get a sushi date. She was down to get sushi together. That is so perfect. But he's a little concerned right because they like already he already got the naked lap dance on date one yeah day two is just going to be sort of a de-escalation yeah what you like you're very thrown off your game exactly and it's hard for a virgin to date a stripper because like going one-on-one against a professional athlete yeah

i think that what you have to do is consider how pimp this is. Oh. How fucking dope it is. Yeah. And just nut up. Go for the gold. Yeah. Is that what you would do? You can't just, it's not what I would do now, but if I was a young virgin, yeah, for sure. Is there a possibility, albeit, I think quite large, that this stripper is just trying to

take advantage of this kid? Well, oh, that's a good thing. large, that this stripper is just trying to take advantage of this kid. Well, oh, that's what you think. Imagine, like, an older stripper. I don't know, because why would she give him her number? Because she wants sushi. Yeah, so she wants some... Oh, you think that she's just doing this because she wants free sushi? And maybe more.

Like what? It's like, oh, hey, big boy, you want to take me out to dinner? Oh, that's great why don't we go here you're my sugar daddy yeah yeah oh you know i can do a little more if you want to oh you think she's like an actual woman of the night yeah to seduce him i'm saying it's def a possibility i wouldn't know but i would i would say it's in the realm of possibilities i guess well i i think you could just like wander down that road and see what's up like go to sushi talk a little bit see if she starts trying to you know take advantage and then then you can bail but until that happens it's pretty cool to date a stripper you would you

would be down for sure i mean i wouldn't i don't think i would get into like a serious relationship with somebody whose profession I disagreed with. But it's also kind of weird to be like, I disagree with your profession, and here I am at the strip club supporting it. Yeah, how much can you possibly disagree if you're there? I don't want to date this stripper. What she does is disgusting. Here, take another $20 and grind on me. But isn't that what you do when you go to a strip club?

Yeah, I mean, it's tough not to judge. i mean the big yeah i'm a huge scumbag too yeah so you're saying they're like they're in a tough situation where that's like what i don't know what they've turned to for money and you are um just a coward bad person but i'm not saying i mean it's still strip clubs are fun they're it naked girls. But at the same time, you don't have to want to date them. You don't need to want to date them. Yeah, I think it's kind of hard to not like kind of want to date them because there's like some, there's a sense of, what is that word? Like you're saving them?

Oh, no. Way more self-involved than you being like a trophy to your friends to be like look all this girl who we saw naked and everybody like wanted to get lap dances from wants my number and i want to and i'm gonna hang out with her likes me the girl who's paid to like just be naked and get everyone to like her, that one likes me. Yeah. So it's like... But isn't it kind of part of the job to be flirtatious?

But you're saying giving her the phone number is above and beyond that? Yeah, I mean, every strip club I've ever been to, they're overly flirtatious, and they are very good at making you feel like you are like they like you more than everybody else. That being said, I don't think I've ever, or I definitely have never gotten a stripper's number and verified that it was her and had her say, let's get sushi. So you're saying that actually does mean something. I think so.

I think, I'm sure that they must get hit on so aggressively. And people are begging them for their numbers, saying, let me take you out to dinner. So for her to be like, I'll go out to dinner with you, I want to go out to dinner with you, is her being genuine. But then I'm also pretty dumb. I've never been in this situation.

It seems very, pun intended, fishy to me that this girl who does get hit on all the time chose this guy as like, you know what? We should get sushi one time. What's the pun on fishy? Oh, sushi. S yeah i thought it was like i was like fishnet stockings i was trying to make it a strip her vagina smells like yeah like a like a sashimi like an albacore sashimi hand roll so you're saying go for it yeah i'm saying i wouldn't but that's me i'm not judging you if you do but proceed with caution there is a chance that

she's you know just looking for a dude i think it's dope i think you should do it those are the two those are the two options i do want you to do it and i do want you to keep us posted this is gonna get hit in the head with a lead pipe yeah by the stripper's friend and his wallet and phone the car is gonna get stolen and we're like we think it's dope go for it they're playing this at the trial why aren't you looking for this guy's killers we're just two dudes with a podcast they pressed stop so how do they know that you'd get it with a lead pipe the stripper's in cahoots with us we're a stripper you're holding the pipe it's like a weird game of Clue.

So we want you to do it. That's not true. Jake wants you to do it. And I'm just morbidly curious. So go for it and let us know. We have your email. So email us again. Follow up pup.

Follow up pup. Absolutely. Aaron Rodgers. For the epic win, actually. Nice. Oh, this is a good one. It's from a lady. But we're talking about male athletes. I don't know what you want to call this lady oh what about cj anderson that could be a girl's name yeah cj

cj anderson perfect cj seems like a an intrepid female reporter's name yeah yeah yeah definitely yeah uh oh like she emails you and then she shows up and it's like a hot girl and you're like whoa that's cj she's like yeah i get that a lot girl. And you're like, whoa, that's CJ. She's like, yeah, I get that a lot. Oh, right. Like you're sort of like a recluse and there's a knock on your door like, I said no reporters. Oh, hi. You're CJ Anderson? CJ Anderson. CJ Anderson writes, hey guys, I'm a 21 year old female who is a senior in college.

I've been on winter break for the past few weeks and between the holidays, I've been hanging out with a couple of my close friends. One of them is a guy that I have known since middle school and is a very dear friend to me. I recently went on a friend date where we went to a used bookstore, a Vietnamese restaurant, a coffee shop, then back to my house to watch a movie. Before I started the movie,

I asked him how he felt about platonic cuddling. I love cuddling up next to someone under a blanket while watching movies. I do this with my girlfriends too, but never with him, hence the question. He said that he didn't mind, so I grabbed a blanket and a Mike's Hard lemonade and sat down next to him and put my legs on his lap. The more I drank, the closer I got to him. And before I knew it, my head was on his chest and his arms were around me. I half apologize, saying that I get a bit touchy when I'm tipsy. When the movie ended,

neither of us moved or said anything for a while. But after some comfortable silence, we started talking about what we planned to do after college, our dreams, and how we want to change the world. As we talked, we held each other and played with each other's hands. It was not sexual at all, but it wasn't quite something that just friends would do. I was getting pretty late, and I let him know that it was okay to leave a few different times, but he didn't go until 2 a.m. I've never thought of this guy as anything more than a friend,

but him opening up to me and being very sweet and tender with me has got me thinking. So here are my questions. Do you think that he might see me as more than a friend? Is there such a thing as platonic cuddling? Should I talk to him about what happened? I don't want to lose this guy as a friend, but I honestly don't know what happened between us. I am aware that this might be a totally obvious answer, but I tend to overthink things,

and I would benefit from your opinions. Thanks, CJ Anderson. Hmm. things and i would benefit from your opinions thanks cj anderson it's tough because he's just not getting the hint that you guys are just friends yeah i feel like she's laying on pretty thick you have you're just keeping them in an arm's length and then you don't want to get too oh yeah on arm's length and then you have a little bit of a mike's heart and you're you get touchy yeah Mike's heart, and you're... You get touchy. Yeah, sure. When you're tipsy. You're close.

But then, like, you know... When you're holding someone's hand. You keep the conversation light, because it's just, you know, two buds, so you'll... Oh, you talk about your hopes and dreams and how you want to change the world. Like how mean you do that. Yeah. How we'll get drunk, cuddle next to each other, hold each other's hands. Sometimes I'll just run my hand through your hair.

And I don't want to leave you. Yes. Yes. But I know that it's just friends. And this guy is obviously too thick-headed to think that a date of a used bookstore, a Vietnamese restaurant, coffee, and then a movie where you cuddle and hold each other and followed by a deep conversation. Yeah, I'm afraid he might misconstrue that as something more than platonic cuddling.

I wouldn't say you're leading him on or misleading him in any way. I think you're doing everything right. And he's just a real numbskull. I imagine him leaning into kiss her after this 14 hour date where they had an intense conversation. She's like, whoa, I think you got the wrong idea here. What is wrong? You misread that situation. I would do this with my cousin. Here's the weird thing. Like, girls would, fine, girls would do this. But she has to realize guys wouldn't do it.

So, in his brain, he's like, oh, I don't do this with friends. That whole thing sounds more intimate than sex to me. Yeah, what happened was that you guys had sex. You guys had sex and then a deep conversation i asked him what how he felt about platonic fucking and the not wanting to leave is very that rung true to me just like a guy like waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting just hoping that the lady makes the first move because in the back of your mind even if you're one percent unsure this would have been that case.

He's like, oh, I'm not 100% positive. Maybe she does think this is all platonic. Because if this guy wrote in and described this date, we'd be like, of course she's into you. Why would she cuddle with you? Why would she hold your hand? Why would she like... Yeah, but I don't think most girls are like this girl either. Oh, most girls would be like...

I mean, this girl sounds like a special case like like she or she doesn't want to admit to herself that she does like this guy yeah i mean maybe that's it and if it's if she really doesn't like this guy then she better stop what she's doing right now yeah you're deaf telling him with every single action and fiber in your body that you are into him yeah i've never had i've never had an experience where a girl was this flirtatious and then would shut me down. Right. Which sounds like this girl might have,

if this guy made a move, she'd be like, that's why I'm saying that it's unique to her and not like guys should watch out for this behavior in, in women. Right. It's like, don't let this be a warning.

Right. This is just absurd. This is girl. This girl's an outlier. Yeah. You're a psycho. Uh, but, um, what was i gonna say uh i might have lost it so what do you think she should do um i think she should

make a decision if she likes him then you can go for it to do this. And yeah, eventually maybe he'll make a move and he'll like you too. And that'll be nice. But if you don't like him, then immediately stop because he's going to get the wrong idea. He's going to try to kiss you. Then you'll feel weird. And then that'll mess with your friendship. Oh,

is there such a thing as platonic cuddling? I don't think so. I think like there's that there, the idea that I don't necessarily subscribe to, but I sort of subscribe to is like guys can't be friends with girls. Like you would fuck any of your female friends. Right. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be friends with them. Yeah. But at the same time, like if guys are always down to bone,

they're female friends, you can't really have a platonic cuddle session. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. i don't think cuddling is platonic ever yeah there's so much it's it's always charged it's like the most of your body touching the most of another person's body i think it could be innocent but i don't think it can be platonic yeah i think you could cuddle with like without you know depraved intentions yeah like you can't it doesn't always lead to like the guy definitely wanting to bone or needing to bone. Right. But I guess.

But it's not completely devoid of any chemistry ever. Right, of course not. You can't have a. You wouldn't want to cuddle someone you weren't attracted to, right? You don't just want to like cuddle someone. But that's the thing, girls do cuddle. They're not like sexually attracted, but it feels nice to cuddle with female friends do they cuddle each other i think so i guess like can't you imagine like a spiritual lady like a girl who's sort of

like free thinking like that like oh i just want to cuddle with friends after like a dinner at home i'll cuddle and then like oh one thing leads to another like oh i'm accidentally touching your boob oh i'm sorry actually sorry. Actually, can you? And then they're like scissoring, but one of them is like, you got the wrong idea. This isn't me. So there is not such a thing as platonic cuddling. Are you ready to go on record as saying that? Yes.

No such thing as platonic cuddling. Between a straight male and a straight female friend. It'll always mean something. Let the record show, I submit that there is no such thing as platonic cuddling. On the guy's end. Yes. The girl can actually feel nothing. I don't really, I don't

know how women's brains work. We should have more female guests on the show. That's true. We really should have had a woman help us answer this yeah well come to think of it we've never had a female guest what about emily axford allison williams yeah i can't think of one those are two exactly i can't think of one wow but there are two you got me also milana milana seems like she would be like down to have platonic cuddling she seems like uh that kind of girl that would be like you know like oh i can cuddle with friends

and it doesn't mean anything yeah she's in she's in touch with herself yeah she's emotionally intelligent so for this girl decide what you want and go for it and if you don't want this guy then don't do this again he he's definitely interested and excited that's why he didn't leave until 2 a.m right guys don't do this with friends guys don't cuddle with friends guys don't get drunk and watch movies with their friends yeah guys don't drink mike's hard lemonade yeah that was a weird she's actually sponsored that's why she said that drop that um one more question? Oh, no.

A few more questions. Two more. At least. At least. Let's do one more and then the break. Fine. Oh, this one is from a dude. Marshawn Lynch.

He went to your school, too? Yeah. He played with Aaron Rodgers. That's cool. Imagine that team. Hey, guys. Love the show. So I've been going through a weird phase.

I'm a 20 fun year old. 20 fun year old. That's funny. I'm a 24 year old dude living in Chicago with three of my best friends. When we all decided to move in together, we all agreed that we would spend as much time as possible being single, snagging random dimes at the bars, and just generally being as disrespectful as possible.

However, over the past few months, all my friends have started seeing girls seriously and have started to abandon our plan. I feel like I'm the only one who still wants to hunt for the pink stink. So the question is, am I just being immature? Do I need to try to lock down a piece of snatch like these jackasses? Or do I just keep doing my thing? It's not easy going out being the only one who still wants to hit on women, but I feel like I'm too young to give it up. What do I do? Love.

Marshawn Beast Mode. Lynch. Wow, wow, wow, wow. So he made a deal, a pact. We all get single. We all poon hound. This is going to be the best fucking year of our lives. Why isn't anyone hanging out with me?

It's like, oh, yeah. Oh, you fucked that girl? That's awesome. Oh, you're going to see her again? Ha ha, cool. Yeah, she should come out. Whoa? It's like, oh, yeah. Oh, you fucked that girl? That's awesome. Oh, you're going to see her again? Ha ha, cool. Yeah, she should come out. Whoa, this is like the fourth time you've hooked up. I love that.

Whoa, what do you mean? You're going over for a house or dinner? Meeting your parents. That's fucking... Tight. Shit. Did you fuck her? You didn't?

You just cuddled with her watching a movie? Okay. So now you're in one. Now you have the relationship. Shit, I still got two other. Oh, no. You're all fallen soldiers. And now what am I supposed to do?

You can't just go on a solo mission. Do I have to nut up and get a girl of my own? I don't think guys can. This is what I'm sort of starting to realize. I don't think guys choose when they can and can't get into a relationship like you just always go out and try to meet people and sometimes one sticks it's hard to be like oh she's great but ah i need to keep just get off of me great girl i need to there's always a girl that's sounding good enough to get you to yeah change to change your ways.

But if you keep going out and keep meeting people, there's only so long you can go with meeting bad people. Eventually you'll meet someone cool enough that you'll want to see a second time, and then eventually you'll want to meet her a third time, and then a fourth, and then one thing leads to another. That's why you really got to try to only hit on pieces of shit. Yeah, that way you never, ever want to see them in the morning.

If you only fuck people you hate, you'll never get into a relationship. Yeah, and if someone is really good, like you meet a girl and you're like, wow, this girl's great, don't even go down that path. Don't talk to her at all. Yeah, if she's into it, no. No thanks. Cut it off, nip it in the bud. all. Yeah, if she's into it, no. No thanks. Cut it off. Nip it in the bud. No, sorry.

I think you might make me happy. This conversation was too fun. You are too exciting. I'm too attracted to you. Right. I need to stop this. Do you have a friend that's mean? I'd be down to... You know, do you have any friends that are less attractive than you?

Shallow? Stupid? Yeah. Someone that I wouldn't be into as much. That's what I'm going for. I'd be down to, you know, do you have any friends that are less attractive than you? Shallow, stupid. Yeah. Someone that I wouldn't be into as much. That's what I'm going for. So even if you make a pact, it doesn't really mean anything. It's like. Right.

That's the other fun thing that like guys do. Like, let's all be single. And then there's just one dude hell bent on being single and everyone else is just happy and content he's like come on we're gonna get pussy no i kind of want to just stay in with cheryl and fuck this what you're the worst roommates they're all bowling with their couples and it's him as the seventh wheel as soon as you start to care about somebody like in a relationship way you're like douchey roommate who just wants to go out and find girls to fuck is like his problems are so insignificant but to him they're huge it's like i need my fucking dudes out hooking up with me and they're like uh we're fine we don't feel

like doing that yeah it's cold actually in chicago it's cold so i'd rather just like stay in so no one cares that much about your penis tonight i already have a girl i've already found a girl that i like uh so what should this guy do should he just suck it up and find a girlfriend no i don't think so i think you can i think you can like keep on raging go on just maybe instead of like going to the bar with your homies you're gonna have to do some like tinder swiping and going on random solo missions yeah random dates and stuff also couples are good as wingmen like wing couples oh that's true you should start asking well as long as they don't know i mean i don't know if you're a piece of shit but it sounds like you are thirsty and you don't want to get into girls girls don't i feel like some like a friend's girlfriend wouldn't

necessarily be eager to set me up with their friend if they just knew i was like if they knew i wasn't looking for anything serious but maybe you could always just say like do you have any friends that would want to try to go on a date with me i feel like new couples will often be excited by trying to set their friends up with their friends yeah because they want couples want other couples yeah to go on dates and then also like your friend doesn't want to see you be single he wants you to be in a relationship too because then he doesn't feel like he's missing out right so he should your friends should be invested in you getting laid more because then eventually you'll meet a girlfriend if anything this should be a positive it should expand your crew and now you're going to go out with three dudes three

girls they're friends it's way easier yeah it's way easier to meet people with like a big fun group than like four guys just on the prowl yeah girls never a good people can see through that a lot of the time unfortunately four guys is not a good it's not a good ratio yeah when it's just like four dudes everybody's trying to get laid like no does that ever all work four for four no one's everything when i whenever i've done that like no one's even talking to each other they're just like drinking eyes darting around the bar like her her her those girls you talk to you talk to you talk to him like nobody's having fun yeah what's the goal

there to find four equally attractive ladies who are also on the prowl that's not gonna happen right no no one girl wants to go over to talk to the four four hunched over guys at the bar look creepy what if they're all hot though like what if all the dudes are hot they might be the beefy corn eating midwestern chicagoans but i feel like the question of like should i try to lock something down i feel like you can't either go for a girlfriend or not a girlfriend. You just have to keep doing what you're doing and then it'll eventually either happen or not. Yeah. It's definitely also bad to be like, all right, all my friends have girlfriends.

So I guess the next girl I have sex with will be my new girlfriend. Yeah. It's a Cupid's arrow. Yeah. Rather than I'm the only single one. Just keep on doing what you're doing. Have fun. Meet people.

And then you'll find someone you like. Yeah. Or not. Or not. And that's fine too you'll find someone you like. Yeah. Or not. Or not. And that's fine, too. Yeah, maybe you'll die alone. Let's hope. Yay.

We all die alone. Woo! Yeah, because what are the odds that a couple dies at the same exact time? Either you're burying your loved one or you're dying alone. Let's take a break. Thank one more sponsor. Or maybe you'll both die in a tragic accident. Oh, that'll be good.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back um it's funny we talked about dying at the same time one time we were i was flying with my entire family and my mom basically casually said like oh i'm not afraid of flying when i'm with my entire family, and my mom basically casually said, oh, I'm not afraid of flying with the entire family like this

because if we all die, then we all die. It won't be that sad because we're all dying together, which I thought was very callous and romantic at the same time. Yeah, it's beautiful. Your mom wouldn't be sad that you guys died before her at the same time? Yeah, yeah. She's like, oh, you guys won't be sad, I won't be sad, we'll all just be gone at the same time. I rather you died mom that's the ideal you know it's weird uh

i had a dream over chris's break that you died in a plane accident oh really yeah it was really sad too and your mom was cracking up your the one part of this dream that I remember really well for whatever reason was that your mom wrote on your Twitter about it. My mom tweeted from my account? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I'd found out before, but then I was looking online to see what was being said about your death. Yeah. And you found from my...

Your mom was on Twitter. At Jake and Amir tweeted, hey, this is Amir's mom. It wasn't like that. It was like, I don't remember exactly what it was now, but it was like a poet,

a line of poetry or something. That's nice. Yeah. That'd be nice. It would be nice to see your funeral. That's a sad thing that nobody would ever go through.

It's kind of the sad thing about funerals. I know. We all get together to honor someone after they're gone. Yep. Why don't we,

why don't we switch that up? Let's start giving people's funerals on their 50th birthday. Well, yeah, I guess so. But I mean, it's also about the family and the friends and grieving. I don't really care much for that. It's not all just a party for you. No, I really want it to be a celebration in my more than honor, really. More than honor?

Glory. I want you to bask. In all his glory. I want you to bask. I want to i want you to bask i want i want to be a god when i die i might be a king a martyr a king and a god in that order so y'all can bask and y'all can pray and y'all can kneel before me wow that's at least that's my ideal funeral um we talked about our shows already so i don't know what else you want to talk about during this breaker. Um, I don't know.

Trying any new like masturbation things, anything on that front, you jerking off in a different way. Yeah. Yeah. I've actually been, so I get like a huge thing of, um, petroleum jelly, cover my penis with everything. Oh. And then I sneak into your room and i hump your feet while you're asleep you hump my feet i fold them into the shape of sort of like a vagina and i fuck the

creases in between your two feet you turn the two arches the podcast up you need to hear this you turn the arches of my feet into labia yep and you fuck the crevice yes and you come where onto my calves onto the sheets oh it's still pretty foul that is a very good call the shape of your arches of your feet do look like a vagina right look at that yeah i wonder if foot fetish is like that oh i definitely there is something about that right yeah the narrow arches i think there's foot porn where that definitely happens yeah i'd be surprised if it wasn't if it didn't i feel like you asked because you have a new masturbation technique now i ask because

you're touching your dick oh sorry well i'm always doing that uh i actually as long as we're talking candidly about masturbation i don't i don't know if i ever have nor do i like using uh lubrication you go dry i think i go dry never trust a guy that goes dry is that a is that a thing dry versus lube lube yeah i mean i can't go dry my hands are too callousy my dick is sandpaper you're it doesn't hurt no it doesn't hurt interesting do you ever go dry i don't think so wow so you're always you're always slicked up yeah i mean i need to recreate a vagina as much as possible oh that's the thing so do i but i've never turned a girl on to the point where the vagina oh every vagina you've ever had sex with was dry yeah yeah yeah like i've never

made a girl squirt or wet or moist Yeah, it's not even humid down there. It's never been damp. Are you sure you've ever had sex? I have, yeah. It's, yeah, it's super dry down there. Like, she'll, like, fake it, like, get into the motions of it. But anatomically, dry, dry. Her body don't lie.

Dry, dry, her body don't lie. Oh, oh god let's take two steps back before we go into something dangerous sure yeah let's answer one last question hey you know i was kidding about that dry shit i make them wet i really do it's a it's a gusher like the snack it's like a gusher snack uh is this a guy or girl it's a guy cool uh uh uh shit there was one more oh yeah justin forset nice rights well done my sticky situation is that i used to have this fuck buddy. We only did it on three different occasions, but it was glorious. Anyway, we used to do all the Snapchat bullshit and sexting, and usually when I'd say I was the best she'd ever had, she would agree profoundly, and we'd both say that we had to fuck again soon. But the last time I said we really need to fuck again, she said maybe, which made me think something was up.

And it was. She had a boyfriend. So I stopped talking to her for about a month or so. Then one day I snapchatted her, just something normal, and we got to talking again. And I told her about this dream I had of her I had, and she seemed really interested and flirty about it. Fast forward a couple days, she sends me a morning Snapchat of her in her underwear with the caption X. She still has a boyfriend, so why would she send me this? Do you think that I still have a chance at tapping that? And would you blame me if I did? I've been cheated on before, so I know it sucks, but I place 100% of the blame on the person who cheated and not the person they cheated on with thanks guys love justin forset sounds like you're a

little to blame so let's not sit like should i do it should i know it's not good to cheat on people but it's a hundred percent her fault i'm not doing anything it's like you're already defending yourself just don't do it it sounds like his comp It sounds like he's already made up his mind that he's going to do it. He's like, should I do it? I mean, it wouldn't be bad at all, right? It's on her, not me. I don't care. She's the jerk.

You want to make her a jerk. Yeah, you want to transfer. So you're a jerk because you know that causing her to cheat will make her a bad person. And you're like, I'll help you be a bad person. Yeah, you're going to help her be a jerk. It's aiding and abetting. It's aiding and abetting a jerk. Ipso facto, you're the jerk.

You are a jerk. So why would she send something coy and flirtatious? Because she probably wants to keep him on the hook a little bit. She doesn't want to lose him forever. But she doesn't necessarily want to cheat on as her boyfriend either not necessarily though i think that that snap is a it's pretty fucked up either way but a snap is not sex so this is like the most you can get away with it you can still be angry but it's not necessarily cheating right she also just wrote, so that could have gone to a lot of people. Oh, very good. You're a good snaps-metician. So you can send one snap to multiple people and they don't know.

Yeah. That didn't just go to your boss. Sorry. But he was an F-buddy with her. Yeah. So you're saying don't do it. I'm saying it's probably not worth wrecking their relationship you might as well just not be involved i eat i know i'm not saying that he's to blame if she cheats on him but like if a relationship is just going to fall apart because of something you do why don't you just not be involved just like i don't even if it's like guilty or not guilty

i'd rather not be included in the demise of a relationship. Well, you're acting like that's the con and there's no pro. Okay, that's the negative effect. But on the other side, you're having the best sex you've ever had. Is it worth it? I'm having great sex. And then a different relationship gets ruined. It's definitely selfish.

It's selfish. But is it not illegal? But is it grounds for not doing it at all? is it not illegal but is it grounds for not doing it at all is it a non-starter I would say that's an argument for not doing it yes but then what happens when they break up that just means more sex for you

isn't it a self-fulfilling sex prophecy you have sex with a girl she's a cheater then you can have guilt-free sex with her if anything it's a win-win i don't really disagree with what you just said but haven't you been there before yes and that's why i'm telling like that's i'm telling you from personal experience that it's very bad and dumb and not good and selfish and evil so just don't be involved okay so that's bad that's the negative so let's list

the negatives it's bad you can have sex with a single person the best sex of your life but what if you can have but an orgasm what if you not you'll be able to nut with a single nut you really will what it she'll be single and you'll you'll still nut if you can believe it if you can believe this but what if it's hard to find a girl that will let you do that if sometimes if you're a guy what do you mean a guy can't have sex with anybody he wants it's it's it's a special i'm not telling you to have sex with anybody i'm telling you to have sex with a single person right that's that's hard no it's not yeah it's hard not everybody can have sex with anybody they want with a girl in a relationship than it's have sex no because

this girl already wanted to have sex with him this girl already did relationship than it is to have sex with a girl. No, because this girl already wanted to have sex with him. She doesn't want to have sex with him. She sent him one Snapchat in her underwear. That doesn't mean anything. The more you have sex with a girl, the easier it is to have sex with her again. It's like a, it's a lot of diminishing marginal effort. So let's say to get- Don't throw those big words around and think like you're going to beat me in this argument.

To bring a girl from zero to one, from never having sex with you to the first time, that's the hardest step. Okay. From one to two is the second hardest step. From two to three is the third hardest

and then it gets easier and easier and easier and easier. It never gets harder. But then there are other factors that are to be considered, i.e. she enters a relationship, an exclusive committed relationship with somebody else,

then you're starting from zero to one with her all over again no you don't go back to zero you do not go back to zero you know that's not true once you've already been there there's a certain level of comfort and it's just an easier place to go back to if I wanted to sleep with someone tonight and I

let's say I like decided I had to I would not go out to a bar and try to convince a girl that i've never met would you contact a girl that you knew to be in a relationship no so but i'm saying that's easier than a stranger you're suggesting that he does no no i'm just saying it's a possibility that it's for him it's easier no i'm not it's a possibility that you're also adding your own caveats like you need to have sex tonight, like you need to have sex tonight. He doesn't need to have sex tonight. In his brain, he does. No, he doesn't. He wants to get off, dude.

He still wants to have sex with... To him, it's like this is not only as good as it gets, but it might be the only thing he'll get. That's not true. You're giving him the ammo that he needs. Yeah. You're saying you might not be able to have sex with anyone except for this one girl who is in a relationship. That's right. That's dangerous advice.

You're a danger. That's irresponsible. I'm arresting you. You're telling this guy to not... Just try to find a single person. And if you can't... Let's say if he strikes out three times, he can try to break and ruin this relationship.

I don't think that's a good idea, but I do. Well, this brings us back to the idea. If he can, if he can bone this girl, maybe she's not, it's not worth to be in a relationship with her anyway.

Maybe he's doing this other guy a favor. That's true. But nobody, also nobody said that he can bone this girl. He's going off of a snap, her saying maybe to let's have sex again and then a snapchat where he told her about a dream and then she sent him a picture of her underwear yeah well it's flirtatious yeah that's flirtatious but it's not sex flirtatious all right either way i guess if i were you i wouldn't do it but it's not the worst thing in the world and if i were you, I wouldn't do it. But it's not the worst thing in the world.

And if I were you, I'd fucking go for it, man. So we're both saying if I were you, I'd be the opposite. So take that. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for writing in. If you have your own questions or your own theme songs, send it to ifirewishow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnails.

If you have a work of art, then you are a work of art to us. Send that also, the thumbnails to ifirewishow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnails if you have a work of art. Then you are a work of art to us. Send that also, the thumbnails to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was from a guy named Dimitri, and this last one is from someone named Rory Pinkney. So thanks, Rory. Thanks to you guys for listening.

I think we're back on Thursday this week yet again. Another bonus Thursday episode. Alright, cool. See you soon. Bye. Hey there, it's 2015 and Podcast One is celebrating all month long by launching a boatload of exciting new shows. First, the king of all podcasts, Adam Carolla, joins forces with iconoclastic comic legend Dennis Miller. We're also teaming up with the geniuses who created thechive.com. If it's funny, it's hot, and it's trending. They're on it. Finally, straight from the Garden State, Vinny from the Jersey Shore will be dishing pop culture memes with all his famous friends. So check Podcast One every day all month long for start dates and episode info.

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