Segments - 127: Missing Dad (with Patrick Cassels!)

Episode Date: January 15, 2015

Our friend Pat Cassels joins us to discuss family dinners and very long distance relationships. This episode is brought to you by MottAndBow.com, SquareSpace.com, TheBouqs.com, and TaxAct.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Finally. Enjoy. Oh. thanks got real yo thanks for tuning in to jake and amir so check it out in order to stay afloat yeah we gotta promote so listen here grab a beer as we tell you this yo by motherfucking square space idiots can share taste create the statue for what we wanted selling bear mates, welcome to the show Say hello to my flow If you can't make it rain, then you better make it snow We got a pair of individuals queued up for podcasting Calculate residuals, I give it that I'm blasting

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So fasten your seatbelts, because shit's about to get real. Damn. Wow. That was actually Lil Wayne. Who? Lil Wayne. Not Lil Wayne. This is Lil Wayne's brother, Lil Wayne.

Lil Wayne Knight, actually. A midget Wayne Knight impersonator. little wayne who like little wayne not lil wayne this is lil wayne's brother little wayne little wayne knight actually a way a midget wayne knight impersonator you can see every night at atlantic city uh on the boardwalk opposite what's the hotel in atlantic city opposite the boardwalk is the ocean exactly he's on a buoy a dinghy really uh that guy's name is seesaw s or sorry c-e-e-s-a-w seesaw okay got it yeah uh see the movie saw yeah it's a saw advertisement no no that guy's actually just saw in the saw mask jigsaw but c is spelled with a c how do you quantify that oh c-e yeah that's weird i just didn't even comprehend c-e-e yeah c so like silo yeah exactly right so it's like silo in a saw mask yeah which is what it's sort of what i was imagining when i made my joke right uh so thanks for that theme

song pat castle's in the house hi how's it going thanks for having me good uh we just checked you haven't been on the show in over a year wow episode 30 was your last episode not for lack of trying you contact us almost every day it's true on the daily do you have like a reminder how does that work because it is often times that's always on my mind it's really really the challenge is not reminding myself to not call you more than one time you ignore that challenge yeah oh more than one time a day yeah exactly you get one a day yeah well i don't want to be like i don't want to pester you guys so of course you're pestering i mean i'm calling you each individually once a day,

and oftentimes you are in the same room. The crazy thing is we've accepted every single time you ask to be on, and then you don't show up. I blow you off the last minute. Christ, I'm so sorry. I have a fucking thing. This is going to sound fake and rehearsed. Don't ask for specifics.

It's the 390th day in a row i'm canceling but i really did something did come up a couple times we've actually bumped really exciting guests like who uh rosanne bar was going to be oh my god yeah but we said hey pat's going to be here tonight and she said i understand and then last minute you canceled we reached out to her she was insulted she's never going to come back i can't believe we got rosanne. I also can't believe Roseanne Barr is the first fun celebrity you thought of. I don't know why I did. She's a good get, you know? Is her name Roseanne Barr

or is it Roseanne Arnold at this point? I don't think they're still together. She's like a nut farmer. Yeah. It's actually Roseanne Barnold now. They combined it. Are they still... Is it...

I feel so... Am I just too so cynical of Hollywood that I feel like there's no way in hell they're still together? That was such a PR setup relationship. They're not together, but they're still a thing. It's a tabloid. It's okay. Oh, they put the Hollywood hot couple.

Amir's wearing a tight black t-shirt and holding the microphone and walking back and forth across the room right now like Dennis Leary. I'm wearing a leather jacket that goes down to my calves. So this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake and pat castles is here pat how would people know you from our videos maybe from occasionally jake and amir episodes what's your claim to fame i guess writer performer on college humor most recently. What's the most popular? I also have the world's largest ball of twine.

Well, fifth largest ball of string. Why do you say twine? It's not twine. I couldn't get into the twine game. The cost of entry was very, very high. There's some bullshit rule about the tensile strength of it, but whatever. People's balls are always accumulating more string.

It's sort of like a... It's a a rolling list and i'm constantly being bumped a few years ago i had the biggest ball of string but i haven't gotten now i was like the top three rosanne has it now you know streeter's uh streeter's um grandfather or great uncle or something has the world's biggest coat hanger oh no oh no it's not the most coat hanger collection not the biggest no he has the biggest one he's the second biggest one aren't the pyramids the biggest one i never thought about that i guess yeah i guess you could you could hang a coat on it oh my god i think the moon is the biggest coat hanger how so this is me on a really bad first date what do you think the moon is i sorry, I'm a bit of a contrarian in that regard. I mean, you could hypothetically, if you had a big enough coat,

and there was a big enough mass. Let me get you another tomato juice. I ordered the first one for you, and I feel like you haven't touched it. I was going to ask earlier, do you know the most popular video you're in? What video that you're in that has you know the most popular video you're in? What video that you're in that has been seen the most amount of times? Do you know the answer? No.

Okay. That's a good question. I mean, we've got, it's probably, I mean, there's a finite number of like, you know. I regret asking. Sorry. Well, it depends on what you mean by view now are you talking about there's a full yeah because you know the drop-off rate really look at this graph over here um i don't know i'm trying to think there's just like a final number of like two

million views holding a little ball of string yeah i can't believe that's the third biggest ball of string in the world no one else i probably did like background or something in like one of those early videos and when we used to get like you know 50 million views in the first 30 seconds oh yeah i remember those days when we were the hottest celebrities on earth right um so you remember how the show works people email us that in need of advice they're like oh my god i don't know what to do and we do our best to offer it and sometimes it's just me and jake sometimes we have our friends on and then sometimes pat's on too what sometimes we have our friends on and sometimes you get to be on as well okay

you hey relax i am relaxed no you aren't sometimes our friends are too busy so what am i then to you if my friend uh what's a step below co a co-acquaintance he's not a step below co-worker it's like if co-workers friend what's the acquaintance version you're like i'm like on par with like a guy who's buying your washing machine off craigslist yeah exactly only i email that guy a little bit more often than i do you can i say your email if people want to email you can i say your private email on this show do you mind if i just say what your private email why are you that's that's unfair because if i say no i'm an asshole and if i say yes then you're the coolest guy in the world i mean i probably wouldn't get that many my emails probably my emails on my blog oh really it is funny how easily accessible some people are just i guess a lot of people wouldn't even think about

it i feel like we should not include this we're gonna end up getting emails i actually always thought what my email i i will say um someone at work because someone was looking for someone's email that was kind of famous at work to be like in a video or something and someone someone had it and it's always just like it was like do you have does anyone have like you know um patrick warburton's email or something like that i'm just pulling for example i'm not giving his email i something like that. I'm just pulling, for example. I'm not giving him his email. I don't know his email. And it's just PatrickWarburton11118 at Yahoo.com.

No, it's always just like Patrick.Warburton.com or Brad.Pitt.com. Sorry, Brad.Pitt at Gmail.com. Or sometimes it's that person's name, like me at his person's name.com. Oh, right. Like Sandra Bullock at me.com. Yeah. Or mac.com or something.

I just want to email the top 100 A-lister actresses and be like, Scarlett.Johansson at gmail.com. Do you want to hang out sometime? But I bet even if it's not Scarlett Johansson, it's some creepy person that's sitting on Scarlett Johansson's Gmail. Waiting for that to happen. Yeah, waiting for her to contact them. Scarlett.Johansson at me.com.

Say, hey, can I have this? It's me, Scarlett. When Natalie Portman went to Harvard, I heard that a lot of the other... You're so nervous. And she was wearing her Harvard sweatshirt. No, there was like all the Natalie's at Harvard. It was because it was like, even if their last name wasn't Portman,

if it was like Natalie M at Harvard.edu would get emails from dudes being like, Hey, are you Natalie Portman? Oh my God. Asking her on a date. Strange, like what are they hoping? Well, that's actually how she met. Hey, yes, it's me, Natalie Portman. Do you want to date me?

Tell me about you. I'm so eager and interested. That's how she met her husband. I just think just blatantly ignoring the actually yes it's me natalie portman do you want to tell me about you i'm so eager and that's how she met her husband i just think just blatantly ignoring the fact that it's like natalie and then like an initial that isn't p and being like well maybe we thought maybe like you use your first name but a different letter instead of your last name honestly it's a long shot but she's so hot it's worth it like what are the what am i gonna waste a couple minutes of my life if i can fucking get into natalie if I can get an in with Portman. Did you see that bitch in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium?

Oh my God. Hey, don't say bitch. I'm sorry. Don't say Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. Is this intro, am I bantering too much? I feel like. No, but you can think things like that without saying them too.

All right. Preferably tomorrow. Or like as you're falling asleep tonight. And then you can text us and we'll say yeah it was a little much but hopefully we can edit it down we'll cut it down to a solid 90 seconds uh no it's about average all right but i'm about to start this mofo uh these are real emails from real people we're gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Pat, will you give us a fake guy's name? Oh, okay.

Sure. Mitt. What? Mitt. Huh? Mitt. Yo. M-I-T-T.

Last name? Romney. I didn't know I had to give him a last name because I was going to just coyly make them all Republican candidates. Okay. Mitt writes, Me and my GF decided to take our relationship to the next level by inviting us over to our separate family dinners. Last Thursday night, she came over my house where I live with my dad, and it was actually pretty chill. My dad made funny jokes, and he was pretty chill with her, making her feel comfortable and all. Two days ago, though, I went to her house for dinner, and compared to the dinner at my house,

it was so terrible. Her dad was missing, so we only had dinner with her mom. Her mom is kind of old and not very cool, but she seemed like a nice person anyway. The problem is, though, she seemed a bit worried, like, through the whole dinner, which made me feel pretty uneasy all she made for dinner was yams in the salad which tasted okay but still isn't i don't know my kind of thing it just i thought it was kind of lacking through the whole dinner i kept wondering to myself if i was the problem like her mom wasn't expecting me that night or something or maybe she was worried because my gf's dad went missing anyway afterwards i talked to my gf and she kept saying it was all

right and i wasn't the problem she said her mom liked me very much but i'm pretty sure that's not the truth do you think in the future i should avoid these family dinners our relationship is going pretty well and i really want her mom to like me but i also don't feel comfortable facing her again what should i do i'm really serious with this girl thanks both very much uh in advance love you love mitt um i mean is this fun there's a missing person involved here that's the takeaway i'm getting i feel like we should stop the podcast and look i don't know it's in our obligation dad is legit gone yeah he doesn't he wasn't just missed like he wasn't just a no-show for dinner he was a no-show for work you can't say you can't drop that in the first two sentences and be like anyway also yams your husband's been missing for a week but i mean like he only made salad and yams

what does he even have to come home for i was like i was like okay maybe he's just like it was a weird at first i was like maybe it's just a weird use of the word missing but the mom seemed worried and I think maybe she was worried because like no one had heard from the dad yeah I've never had that happen to me a missing parent but also he's like so

I feel like he is it's just one of those things like oh I'm cool and everyone else sucks or something yeah your dinner sounds fine uh your dad made jokes and that was it he was present everyone knew where my dad was which was chill my dad was like hilarious i love my dad dinner was on point i love my dad my dad is my best friend he was not missing he was there everything was perfect my deadbeat fucking mom was like her dad wasn't there her mom was old and she made sweet potatoes she was nice and she cooked and it was fine but it was lacking it was lacking i think you're an asshole you're

lacking i also you know i would also say that i think that, like, you're not, you know, feeling uncomfortable around your significant other's parents is, you know, if you're lucky, you get along really well with them. But I think it's also very common to, for that, it's a very common problem. So I think he just has to sort of deal with it and just make, you know, I think not getting along with your in-laws, I guess, if you're not married, then it's your girlfriend's parents. It's just like, I mean, I got a little movie you should see called meet the parents yeah and or meet the fuckers yeah or little fuckers no no really the first one because that's sort of the message sure yeah yeah i just think ben stiller is amazing oh oh what about fury oh that movie's actually pretty tight yeah but it doesn't have to do it's also a movie what about world war one oh my god that one was chill too it was a great war oh you're not even talking about a movie but we're back because well fury was world war ii so i'm just saying

like world war one was also a war that was actually really good what about world war z or the renaissance that was a historical thing yeah a renaissance man starring destin anyway you guys agree that right coat hanger of all time uh sorry i meant renaissance man starring danny devito also the second biggest coat hanger of all time yeah sorry where were we god could make a coat hanger so big not even he could use it uh definitely he has it's called the moon weird reverend giving a sermon uh i think it makes sense to not necessarily get along with your girlfriend's parents upon the first meeting especially when they're like you're young uh the dad's missing yeah so like but it's just it takes several attempts to like get comfortable with somebody

is there anything more nerve-wracking in one's life than meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time like what an important thing you have to be on the best behavior you can possibly imagine yeah like that's the i what would you get more nervous for than that? I get more nervous for other... I'm fucking real good. But the first time. The first impression is huge. I've never, ever, ever not met a parent who loved the shit out of me.

First meeting. That's because you're playing it as cool as possible. You're acting the best possible way. Right, right, right. If you make one slip up one mistake oh i'm not saying yeah it's definitely it's not it's not like i'm not trying and it all works yeah i'm trying really hard but i also don't get nervous because i know that i'm good at it well yeah i think that i you it's like you just have to it's like you just have

to behave well like i guess you're you know maybe it's hard to, like, fucking wow them. Yeah. But I think I wouldn't. I think if it was, if I, I don't have a girlfriend right now, but I think if I was meeting my girlfriend's parents, I would, like, try and I wouldn't swing for the fences. I wouldn't try and be, like, buddy-buddy with the dad because that's when you mess up. That's, like. That's weird. But I think I'm very good at being completely neutral. I'm gray. I think the trick is not trying to relate to mom and dad

and be like, hey, I'm a golden boy. Let me do the dishes. Let me help with the cooking. Hey, dad, what's your favorite sports team? You do that? That is what you should do? No, no, I don't do any of that. I specifically do not help.

I'd offer clean. I'd be like, I'd offer clean. Yeah, yeah, if it comes natural. But I also think it's like you don't want to showboat. You don't want to get up and start clearing the dishes or whatever. It's the same muscle as getting anyone to like you, I think. Whether it's like your girl. But I think with parents, they're less impressed by you like trying to impress them.

And like what they secretly want is for you to be very respectful of their daughter. So you find little ways to insert that like tell a story and, you know, celebrate their kid. That's what it is. It's like, oh, this person likes my daughter or son as much as I do, so I like them because they like that. Like, your daughter is amazing in bed, and you should really be proud of that.

She can deep throat my cock. And I'm serious. But I'm doing the dishes, so it doesn't matter. This chicken was lacking. It really was. I'm sorry, did you not know I was matter. This chicken was lacking. It really was. Did you not know I was coming over? You must not have known I was coming over. I'm going to give you constructive criticism.

Constructive. So it's a win-win. Because it tasted like construction paper. I mean, my God, what did you season this with? What's more nerve-wracking for you, meeting your significant other's parents or them meeting your parents? I would probably actually be more nervous for them to be my parents, who I love my parents, but...

Homo? I love my dad. My dad's hilarious. He's so funny. He's the best guy in the world, and I love him with all my heart and soul. No, I just, I don't know. I'm just,'m a little kind of a personal guy so it's just like letting someone in man yeah i'm really emailing moody right now that's cool you are suddenly wearing black eyeliner yeah what about you what makes you a little more nerve-wracking you have not

your parents are the nicest parents in the world well your mom is for sure nervous about my mom's the fucking uh she's the king and the queen. Yeah. My dad's a court jester. He's a pumpkin. My mom is the royal court and my dad is a pumpkin that sits on her table.

He really is a pumpkin. He is small orange and he wears a small green cap. That's enough out of you about my fucking old man. Your dad's a crook and a cheat. Yeah, he is. He's a gynecologist.

That means he fingers other chicks all day. All day he does that. Hey guys, come on. We should really just move on with the podcast. By the time we finish, Jake's dad will be riding on someone's stoop like a pumpkin. That's enough. Is his name Jack?

His name really is Jack O'Lantern. It's actually Sam. It's actually Sam, you fucking asshole. I want to put a candle in his mouth and just watch it glow through his eyes. That's enough. He's a gourd. He's a goddamn gourd. He's a fucking squash.

Your dad's a squash. He really is a butternut squash. I'm only getting this offense because he's actually a gourd. He's a gourd, not a squash. He's a scarecrow with a pumpkin head. I don't think I would be nervous about either, really. You don't get a little nervous if your lady's meeting your family for the first time?

No. Because your mom is so nice my mom's really and your dad is nice too your dad's just like so mellow like there's no it's impossible to imagine anyone i'm sorry i don't mean to talk about your parents you haven't said anything shitty about them except for when you called my dad a gourd that's what i mean like who doesn't love a gourd he's so mellow he just sits there in the garden. He's growing slowly. He's an orange pumpkin. He just sits there eating up nutrients from the soil until he's robust and yellow. No, I'm sorry.

Yeah, no, I'm not really nervous. I mean, you know that. Here's my thing. I think that people either aren't that great with first impressions, but over time, people grow to like them because they're consistently there and nice and polite and maybe not super charming. But you grow to appreciate someone's presence. Yeah. And then some people are great with first impressions, and that sort of goes downhill over time. Yeah.

That's me. I start high and end low. Yeah. I buy high and sell low. I will lose everyone's trust and respect eventually. Yeah. So. But right off the bat, that's your best you.

I'm more nervous when I'm meeting a girlfriend's parents. I would be more nervous for the inevitable breakdown of the relationship and when they start talking shit about me. But like up top, no nerves at all. What about you? Can you tilt the back of your microphone up so that the top of it faces down into you? Like this. Oh yeah.

That's perfect. What are you nervous about oh i would say 10 to 15 times more when they meet my parents right because you're likable and your parents are um your your mother is very very intense she's like a israeli interrogator yeah she's like a commando yeah they were both in the army. It's also intimidating to meet your parents. I guess this is maybe the one thing that would throw me off. Meeting your parents, it's like their English isn't their first language.

Right. They speak with an accent. Yeah. When I first met them, it was hard to understand. I mean, still, it's a little hard to understand your father. Yeah. Who speaks basically in tongues. You chanted that. dad only speaks latin and ladino two dead languages he also writes all of his prescriptions in sanskrit he's a mummy my daddy is a mummy and my mummy is my daddy have you ever your parents ever just like straight up not like to go that you brought home um they've been like thrilled, I bet.

And were they rude to her? No, no, no. They were very friendly. So as nervous as you would get, you've never actually had a bad experience? Yeah, yeah. Never had a bad experience. But even when I eat at restaurants with my parents, it's often like I have to laugh at extra loud at jokes that sometimes they say because the

waiter doesn't understand that if it's a joke or not and i have to be like ha ha he's just joking like what's an example of a joke like that um like the food's like you arab bastard yeah like if the food is late and my dad is like oh they're going to kill the chicken and the waiter's like uh what and then i'm like oh he just said are they going to kill the chicken and the waiter's like uh what and then i'm like oh he just said are they going to kill the chicken like the food's not here it's funny don't spit in my food yeah you don't get to spit in my food it's what i'll say to the waiter right right yeah yeah do you think is your when your parents when your when your dad makes a joke like that yeah do you is he secretly very very upset and he's kind of being passive-aggressive or is he just really being truly playful and

making a joke i think he's his patience for uh service runs thin sometimes so he like he's very antsy he's all he's often like ready to go and move so there's an antsiness to him and then he uh much like me uh manifests all anger as comedy or like if he's out if he's wait if he's like if you're on an airplane and like it's too bumpy or something he'll like call the stewardess over me like hey like are you killing the chicken or what yeah regardless of what are you and are you killing the chicken yeah it's his entire life is asking people if they've killed chickens before excuse me sir and you have to be like haha he's just saying like, I don't know.

Just to translate yet again from English to another metaphor. He's asking if the pilot can find smoother air. He actually is afraid of flying, so that's funny that you mentioned that. Oh, he is? Yeah. Wow, I didn't know that. I can't, that's, your dad's a doctor. Yeah.

It's hard for me to imagine a doctor being afraid of anything for some reason. Yeah, they some reason yeah they're too smart to be yeah that's yes too smart to be afraid of flying oh interesting i think it's a totally different fear like my dad also drives very dangerously so like he should really be afraid of dying and in that way like statistically it's more likely right that's actually a false false stat what you are 10 times more likely to die in an airplane accident 10 times more likely what are the like what is like one in like a thousand one million exactly right one in a thousand versus one in a million no it's not the same examples no it's not true you're so yeah i think and also this this guy's uh dinner experience didn't even as jake had said it didn't sound that bad like the mom was a

little standoffish maybe but like other than that it was fine she made fucking yams and salad so what's the advice here the thing is that like not everyone is your family you feel comfortable around your dad so your dinner was good and you didn't feel comfortable around somebody else's mother so you have the dinner we were hilarious we did we did an entire we recited an entire dane cook album for datum and both loved it your dinner um yams and sal though kind of weird meal i, I will admit. That being said, as long as we're talking about Dane Cook's harmful of swallowed, I mean, Jesus Christ, how are you supposed to eat that many sweet potatoes?

Am I right? Nom, nom. Super finger. So the question was specifically, do you think in the future I should avoid these family dinners? I would say no. Get to know them better, and it'll get better. I'd say lean into it. Honestly, all kidding get better i'd say lean into honestly all kidding

aside i would say lean into it go back as soon as possible kind of like when you're in the air force and if a plane crashes and you're in the air force all the pilots want to go up the next day they don't want they want to get back up there as soon as possible before like the fear settles in oh interesting you are the exact same kind of hero as these are air force pilots. You're the same. Uh, all right, cool.

So we're on the same page here. Yeah, I think so. Uh, we had to make a quick stop to thank one of our sponsors and we usually cut away, but I think it would be fun if Pat, would you join us for this sponsor specifically? Is that okay with you?

Um, I really need to check with my guy on this you actually don't have a guy yeah it's true i'm yes that's exactly uh right you know what i just talked to him and it's good it's fine you just opened boom beach on your iphone made one move and then said it was fine he's pat actually i saw him check his phone see that it was dead and then i checked with him, he's fine So the sponsor That we want to thank right now is

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if you wanted to start your own website. I know what you're thinking. Every domain name is probably taken by now. Which is why when we do these ads, we suggest ones that are still available for people to purchase. I think I remember. And people snatch them up because they're good.

We're giving out gold. Remember Koi Oil? Koi Oil was turned into a blog. Yeah, it really was. It's purchased? Someone bought it? Yeah, somebody bought it. So the ones that we're going to suggest now, these could be the future best websites in

America. At present time, these are available. That's right. So I will start with mine. It's a fun one to say. It is available right now as we record. Timiddimwit.com. Timiddimwit.com.

So what's your website? Oh, Timiddimwit. It's kind of like, even if you wanted to start a band, name that. It's kind of a fun thing to say. Timiddimwit. Jake?

I've got a twofer. Holy shit. Yep. that it's kind of a fun thing to say timid dimwit uh jake um i've got a twofer holy shit yep uh both tacky fart and dumb anus were available and those are dot coms dot com those are not dot net well domain is a is a dot k through 12 it's a dot gov actually uh pat and you looked yourself do you have a domain name that you can recommend? I do. I also personally think mine is very fun to say and mine is very useful. Smallyoyo.com. Smallyoyo.

Don't buy it. I want it. What sort of e-commerce website would be called that? Someone's going to log on to Smallyoyo to see if it's available and it's just pat castle's new professional website just imagine a big guy just like just the yo-yo is the size of a dime kind of small it's like not that small normal size yo-yo in a big hand i think it sounds like i was saying this before but i think it sounds like a like real estate or like a sort of weird like price like kayak.com or like you know compare prices compare prices for hotels in Bangladesh at smallyoyo.com. And then like while it's loading the search, it's like a little yo-yo that's going on the dance.

How do you yo-yo? Yeah, it's just like the Mac pinwheel with a string attached to it. Yeah, only smaller. That should be easy to code, right? So if you're interested in those domains or building your own website, you can start a trial with no credit card required

and start building your own website, you can start a trial with no credit card required and start building your website today. Go to squarespace.com slash if I were you. Oh, sorry. Promo code. If I were you. Cool. Thanks, Pat.

Let me know if I, if you buy small yo-yo.com. Yeah. I'd love to make the first. Yeah. You should make the first like a, what's it called? When you, there's like a quote under the domain that's like, i use this website all the time testimonial yes oh totally yeah i go here it's nothing yet but i just like the name and i support it pat castles i support yo-yos of not normal sizes uh oh shit my phone's all stuck in landscape mode how How is that fair? All right. I need a girl's name, Pat.

Michelle. Do you want a last name? Bachman. Yes. Good call. No, Michelle Obama, who's way more conservative than Bachman if you really look at the stats.

I mean, can we talk about her actual stance on things? I'm going to just rattle off. I will move to Canada because your husband's destroying this country jesus why you had me on here you knew which way i lean i'm not republican i'm just joking you give me a microphone how am i i'm supposed to not vent uh all right michelle writes so i met this guy from india at work over the internet my boss was using outsourcing and we became friends.

We started talking online a lot and after a while, I admitted that I had a crush on him. He started flirting with me a lot more. After I left my job, I found it hard to talk to him because he reminded me too much of that horrible job. I started to realize that there were so many reasons that getting into a relationship or even dating this guy would be a bad idea. One of the main being that our dating cultures were way too different. After a while, he got engaged and barely started talking to me, which was fine by me, but recently they broke it off and he's been flirting a lot with me again and telling me things like he misses me and that he wants to come to America and hold my hand. I have pretty poor self-esteem and sometimes I am flattered by this. I'm also really nice and have a hard time expressing what I am feeling.

I'm worried that I've been leading this guy on and that he almost expects a relationship if he comes to the United States. How do I express to him that I just want to be friends and that I think he should focus on other girls without hurting him? Thanks, Michelle. Is this sweet or sad to you? to be friends and that i think he should focus on other girls without hurting him thanks michelle is this sweet or sad to you this is like the dark side of a amazing little romantic comedy right right it's like so adorable like oh they've outsourced some of the some of the work so i'm like talking to this guy from india i don't know it's it's adorable it's like this it's like the

exact plot of euro tripotrip, but horrible. They met online. It's like a modern day You've Got Mail. Oh. Where they've shipped all of our jobs overseas. Thank you. You know what I'm talking about, Pat. With the internet.

Yeah. Replace Tom Hanks with... Michelle Obama. Gladly. They're both actors. I think, first of all, I want to to know her job is that it's so horrible she came to talk to the guy because it reminds her of her job that's right like a pretty awful job it's very monotonous drone actually yeah he's taking a turn over his country actually

she was a security guard in an internment camp i think don't i think do not i would say let the guy know before the guy moves i think she persuspisions may be right that if the guy is saying i like you i want to hold your hand and i'm coming to america he's going to be like yeah it sounds like you're at least part of the reason the cute rotation started to get a little too real yeah but imagine this sweet american girl meeting this sweet indian guy isn't there something to be said of that do they even know if they're like she's not interested interested. They try to do each other? No, they don't know. But I think they were both very shy. Does she know what he looks

like? He looks like an Indian male. Maybe try to Skype with them a little bit. So take it a little step further, but not necessarily meet them. If she doesn't want this, then she shouldn't do it. And here's what I would say. I think that since he lived in India and was engaged, and you guys are just. I think that he, since he lived in India and was engaged

and you guys are like just saying flirt, he wasn't, not anymore, but he was. I think you could just stop talking to him entirely and he'll move on.

I don't think you need to be like, hey, I don't want a relationship with you. He's, they've never met and they only had a work crush on each other and he lives in India.

So you can just stop responding to him. Maybe it's like a slumdog millionaire situation um like in that there's an indian guy involved and the day boy is gonna direct this fucking rom-com dude i'm serious if i write it yeah i can imagine this bollywood soundtrack oh you know what she did actually she mentioned where she worked a small a small e-commerce site called Small Yo-Yo. Oh, really? Yeah, I guess somebody created it.

We have a great corporate culture. How can that be a miserable job? I mean, we do outsource 99% of our employees. She was the one American. One American working with 55 Indians. Listen, smallyoyo.com is a forward-thinking infotainment home base, essentially. Let me explain how the site works to you. It's a sweatshop. It's a goddamn sweatshop.

You wake up in the morning and you get the newspaper from your front stoop, right? So imagine that and the food you eat and the music you listen to and everything in the same portal. Sounds like you're doing too much with Small Yo-Yo. It's milk. It's news. It's a cultural hub.

It's your email and your rail mail. Rail mail. What's rail mail? Snail mail and email. Snail mail and email. Why do you have to differentiate? It's all small yo-yo. It's all contained in a small yo-yo.

You'll ask yourself, we all have a yo-yo. What's your yo-yo? Is it small yet? What's your yo-yo? It casts your ballot at yo-yo. People always ask me where does the name

small yo-yo come from and basically I was doing this walkabout in Australia and this aboriginal, this aboriginal person, person,

thing, no I said person told me a proverb and he said you know an old ancient fox was playing with a yo-yo

how do you yo and that's when I realized my spirit animal was a yo-yo he told he started telling me this proverb that I

thought was really boring so I took out a yo-yo what's your yo-yo let us know at whatsmyyo-yo.com. That's when the peyote hit me. The peyote. So, wait. I think that, maybe I'm misremembering her email,

but it sounds like she just is not interested in him. And if that's the starting off point, I don't want to say Skype with him and get to know him and like him him so how do i express that i just want to be friends are too high to really give it a shot yeah i'll give it a shot have them take a 22 hour flight to uc and spend a week and a half with you you know india to anywhere in the world is a 21 hour flight yeah even to china europe australia iceland america it's all a 22-hour flight. They go around. They just circle. Nothing is convenient, unfortunately. Yeah.

If for no other reason than to save the poor guy some $800 in a plane for a round-trip ticket or a one-way ticket. That's a lot of diners. Diners. What is the currency? Dinards. Dinards.

That's a lot of dinards. I don't think it is dinards. Dinards is just a way to say American currency. Rupees? Is that what he said? That could be a thing. Yeah, rupees, because that's what he said. One million rupees.

That's exactly. I can't believe that's the way I know it. Who wants to be a millionaire? Chihuahua. One million rupees is less than a penny, though. So when you win, it's not that much. Right. Oh, yeah.

So, oh, actually, I can tell you right now. It is rupees. And i so i knew it i'm culturally learned uh one million is indeed 16 000 rupees just a little bit of very very boring information here how much would an 800 how many rupees that doesn't matter i'm sorry uh how many rubies would buy a coat hanger uh so the question specifically is how do i express to him that i just want to be friends and that i think he should focus on other girls without hurting him stop talking to him entirely that's all you have to do do you not even offer an explanation no it's fine just like ignore like a doofy little flirtation thing there's no real relationship She could just disappear and it'll be fine. That's what I do. I think it's more than that.

Sounds like, yeah, I mean, well, how much did she, I guess I'd be curious to get like a more robust overview of the thing. Yeah, well, I gave my answer without knowing anything.

So how is this fair? It's impossible to be wrong. You're going to answer Pat's question and suddenly I want to change mine, but I'm already on record. Give that you know i go back zoom have a marry you have a marry you uh no i kind of hear what you're saying it sounds like i mean he certainly thinks wait are you

like you know maybe she cares about the guy maybe someone hurt his feelings yeah can he just can't she simply offer like a fake explanation be like hey sorry things are really busy right now i'm moving let me get back to you soon that way he's at least not even fake just i think i think i'm i think you can sort of just be really you don't have to lie you can even just be like i don't know just say just fucking i think just i guess i'm almost saying almost saying be harsher be like hey like i don't want to marry you like give him closure at least i guess that's what i think just cutting off entirely might drive him crazy i want to date people like closer to me in a more casual way than have like this meaningful relationship sure she could say that but i also don't think she has to i think she'd just be like nothing

yeah i i think that it's better for all parties involved i think it's both healthier safer more mature and i think it's better for both and just like cut, you know, just give him, just to just, you know, I'm not saying she has to treat him with kid gloves. I concur with that. Fine. I'm not arguing. King Pat is right. Spare my head, oh wise one. No, I really do kind of agree with Pat.

Oh, you do? But also I think it's going to be fine. So either way is fine. So what about if, let's say Jake says you don't have to email him ever again. I say you can offer up a white lie, a fake excuse, and Pat says to tell him the truth. And legit, all answers are right. Yeah yeah that's the beauty of our advice show we can never be wrong because it's just our opinion i think there's i think there's a um version uh somewhere

between your answer and my answer mirror is like basically like you're you don't you can kind of let him you can sort of lie in this sense just be if you make your facts abstract enough right if you mean they cover all topics oh yeah it's sort of a lie to say like hey i'm not really looking for uh you know a big relationship right now like what the truth is like i don't want to talk to you anymore you're done i'm done with you anything you like finesse enough will be sort of a for example let's say um a friend wanted to hang out with me or something one night, and I changed my mind. I didn't want to go out that night, and I could be like, oh, you know what? I forgot I have an appointment, and I can't go out. Well, just chilling, eating dinner alone at the place around the corner from me or sitting on my couch watching a movie,

with a broad enough definition of the word appointment, that's an appointment. As long as I put it in my calendar and make an appointment to do it, I'm not lying. That's literally an appointment. Also, here's what I would say. Not talking to him at all, vanishing, that's not lying either. That's actually the most honest thing you can do because it's the truth. Hard. Right in his face.

I don't want to talk to you anymore. That's it. You don't even have to say it. You just don't do it, and he will either assume the truth, she didn't like me, or he'll assume a lie. She's really busy. But it's only the truth that she doesn't... You don't know she... I don't think she said she wants to stop talking to him forever.

Or doesn't she want to like... You don't need a friend that lives in India. She doesn't need a friend. I'm not saying she needs a friend. I'm not saying she doesn't need to talk to him. But you're saying she doesn't necessarily want to stop talking to him forever. You're right. No, I think it's... I'm not saying that maybe that is more i don't know

if it's more honest i guess by default it is i know you're saying i don't know if it's more honest or moronic maybe it's a stronger signal and gets across maybe it gets across the purpose of being straightforward with them just cutting it off my fear is that i think sometimes guys can sort of uh this they can interpret the silence as i think sometimes guys can sort of, they can interpret the silence as, I think a love is a powerful, you can,

if your feelings are strong enough, you can convince yourself of anything like, well, I guess her internet's broken. I better fly over and make sure she's okay.

That's the scenario you're setting yourself up for if you cut them off. All my arguments are like pretty stupid and Pat's like inserting intelligence to them after

I'm done talking. No, no, I think the cutting, i know you're saying the cutting off is like i i you know maybe it's unfair to me i miss maybe i'm projecting on this guy and i'm assuming that i'm not projecting on him i'm fine i'm a healthy person but i'm assuming that this guy is like some creepy obsessive dude because he was like because he was engaged and now he's not like and though you know that does sound a little suspicious but he's also going to be a totally normal guy who has feelings for this girl and when he cuts her off he'll just be like her cutting him off could be he'll be sad for two days and he'll just move on with his life i mean these texts could just be like him trying to get her to send nude pictures like i want to hold your hand oh yeah so send him a nude picture that's

what he's actually feeling if he's just being flirtatious you're saying they should send a nude picture is that what you're saying to me uh let's answer one more question but let's stop for a real commercial break the kind that you don't actually have to be a part of pat and then we'll be right back on the other side of those messages just wanted to say thank you again to the books for sponsoring this episode as well the books t-h-e b-o-u-q-s.com you know books like short for bouquets bouquets because they sell it's like oh like the bears yeah you're so focused on getting the message out that you're not letting me do my impression okay sorry the books. Thebooks.com. The books. Perfect.

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Believe in yourself and believe in taxact.com specifically. Anything is possible. Tax Act is a class act. Absolutely. Tax Act is a class act. So that address again, if you do need to do your taxes and you want to do it yourself taxact.com slash u y o u let's get back to the episode all right hey we're back uh quick break do you want to talk about anything specific we have shows coming up in

austin and houston you're not going to be there but i thought we should mention it there are still tickets available january 24th in austin at the north door at the north door uh and 25th at houston at the come and take comedy festival do you have any trips coming up no trips coming up but i do i could uh i do this thing i could plug oh yeah let's hear it next month at the end of the show all right well dickwit small yo-yo.com is a coming to a town new small yo-yo live we're looking for seed angel investment ask no questions no no yeah you can plug something uh next month college humor live la which is at the ucb the show the show the live show we're moving to saturdays whoa that's a premiere night, isn't it? Pack your bags. We're moving to Saturdays. Frasier's moving to Tuesdays.

What? I don't know. Sorry. No, we're moving to Saturday nights and you should come out to the first show, which is on Valentine's Day. February 14th. What could be more romantic than me making jokes for an hour? For an hour straight.

It's early, obviously, so. February 14th is a Saturday this year? It is, yeah. And the first Call of Duty Live show in LA is then. Yeah, that's the day I landed on. So it should be fun. We're going to, you know, come on out. I think if you want to get a little,

I can't promise we won't get naughty if it's Valentine's Day. I will not be wearing pants. Maybe people will finger each other after the show or during whatever the lineup is still TBD but we always have a great lineup you guys have done it and it was awesome Pete Holmes was on it

Kamail was on it all the funny guys in LA whoever we get it's going to be great and you should come out Saturday night Valentine's Day do gonna be great and you should come out cool saturday night valentine's day do it be there and be square space nice be there be square space uh anything else we need to talk about let's get to the last question because i don't want to run out of time right these these guest episodes always go a little long because we have so much fun

actually i am going to cut it off this is instant tone bars and tone for some reason that's a that's like a fake thing in movies where a guy hangs up and it goes instantly to dial tone that doesn't happen yeah you're right that does not happen uh okay we need one last guy's name oh uh last name no no one last guys uh oh my god again oh shit you know what it's a female it is a female sarah okay sarah last name schneider what do you think palin schneider palin. Sarah Palin writes, I'm a female in my first year of university, and I recently got my marks back for the fall semester. Everything was looking A-OK.

I failed two courses, but that's neither here nor there. I was getting all Cs and Bs, but when I looked at the results for my children's literature course, something seemed off. All my assignments had been high Cs, low Bs as marks, but for some reason my final mark was 94%. At first I was really confused by it, but then I thought maybe participation marks bumped me up? It was only until today that I looked back at the scores and realized the university had made a horrible mistake.

When I originally glanced over the marks, one of the assignments that was out of 10 I assumed I got a 6 on. It was only until further inspection that I realized they didn't put it into the computer as a 6 out of 10, I assumed I got a 6 on. It was only until further inspection that I realized they didn't put it into the computer as a 6 out of 10, but instead a 60 out of 10. That caused me to receive 54 extra marks to my total grade, so instead of getting a C+, I'm at a powerhouse A. I'm totally spooked by this because if the school finds out, they might blame me. Would they? If I don't tell them and they find out, could I say I didn't realize? Would they even believe that? If they don't figure it out, I'm going to feel like a horrible person for abusing their mistake.

But at the same time, it's hard to let go of the happiness I felt getting my first A in a university. What would you guys do in this situation? Please, I'm going to rip my eyeballs out. Hope your moms are doing well. Love, Sarah. First of all, she did a decent job with the math figuring out why she got the good grade. this situation please i'm gonna rip my eyeballs out hope your moms are doing well love sarah first of all she did a decent job with the math figuring out why she got the good grade yeah so she's not dumb she's just not applying herself yeah if this question didn't make sense change the word mark to grade and then replay it in your head is she british or something or australian

probably i got 30 lose in my 18th tri-quarter i like she's like my grades were fine i failed two classes and got c's but actually i was pretty excited and pumped when i got my first day i don't know i deserve it yeah you shouldn't be happy you didn't earn that a you can keep it i don't think you should get rid of it. If the school finds out and they blame her, you could hide behind the idea that you're too stupid to actually mess with your grade or you're too stupid to notice. I don't know how to do things. I got three Fs, a C, and a B. You're not – you won't – I mean regardless of what you should or should not do, I don't think you're liable at all if they discover it. I don't even know if they could change the grade after a certain point.

You could definitely say that you didn't notice. Yeah, what if the dean is listening to this podcast, though? Even if you say you did notice it after the grade was official, I just don't think you're liable. Yeah, I noticed and I was surprised, but I couldn't really figure it out, so I figured it was a participation thing. Is that exactly what she's talking about? She shouldn't have delved any deeper to really figure it out. Yeah, ignorance is bliss. She's so confused.

Don't look into it. She was so confused she had to know. what is the statute of limitations on cheating like if i cheated i'm telling you right now for a fact this is for real in ninth grade uh the teacher used a for the history class the teacher used a textbook to get all of her uh multiple choice exams she just xeroxed the teacher's textbook. So my friend bought a textbook online and we knew every test before it came out. And we cheated by memorizing the order

of the letters. That's a great question. If I went back to my high school and was like, by the way, I cheated on every exam in ninth grade, will they take my diploma away? This podcast just made it so they took away your Berkeley diploma. Oh no, I'm talking about high school even before. I know. Oh, it trickles down because i would have gotten it without that grade you can't have a job anymore that's not you're not a graduate i'm not a comedian either i mean

i feel like the college like their call if it's especially if it's a private college like you can't like can you like stop them from saying like we take away we're we will not consider your degree valid anymore like but yeah what does it matter if they don't consider it news now i don't it doesn't it only matter it only matters as much as like you know it only matters as much as it matters to the job you're trying to get like you know like i think you're a doctor it kind of matters because like you're probably not gonna get a job at a hospital if like if like if your employer calls johns hopkins and like yeah he's bullshit right but like you know if i'm when i try to get a get a job at like, you know, Crackle.

And they're like, well, your liberal arts degree. Is fraudulent. Fraudulent, sir. We thought. Us at Small Yo-Yo don't employ matters like you. So I don't know. High school might be a different thing though because it is, especially if you went to a public school,

which you probably didn't, Silver Spoon. But I went to Silver Spoon. I don't understand. I don't understand like if you i don't think you get in trouble now i feel like schools get in trouble when there are students cheating and stuff yeah it seems like once you graduate you can look back and say anything it's like oh this school is messed up like didn't that just happen to unc recently where like there was a big cheating epidemic there and it wasn't necessarily like these kids all yeah that happens in like ncaa athletics it's like oh these that last generation

really fucked things up for the current crop because now like ohio state's not bowl eligible because they paid some guy in 2004 it seems like this is probably like you got mostly bad grades and one a in a class that sounds like it doesn't really matter. Children's Lit? So, yeah. It's not writing it. It's reading it. You should have gotten A in Children's Lit anyway. You really should have.

I really just read children's kids' books. Also, I'm not talking down to you because I remember in college, I was so dumb, but I had to take a math class. But since I didn't declare a major, one of the math classes I was allowed to take was math for elementary school teachers. So it was essentially us like learning long division and multiplication. And I got a D. So the class math for elementary school teachers might as well have been called math for elementary school students. Yeah. Well, I mean, it wasn't like so complete. It wasn't like we relearned the times tables, but there was like long division in the class.

I mean, I didn't go to enough of it to really understand what the class was. That's why I got a D. Amir, you're very good at math. You're probably one of the best people at math of friends I have. Thanks. That is actually our time. Thanks so much. Can you do 12 times nine uh

that doesn't mean you're good at math though why that just means you memorize the times table one train leaves barcelona traveling 95 kilometers an hour i'm gonna pause it right now we're all gonna take a practice sat okay we're back uh we all failed i'll go to 480 um i just think that i mean i think legally i can't imagine you're at all responsible morally i don't even know like you know you i don't know you know no you don't i would well what would you do if you were you if i were you if i were you for example if i were you i wouldn't do anything, for example, if I were you, I wouldn't do anything. I would take it. That is a bank error in your favor. Collect $200, enjoy it,

and then try to get, don't act like you got a real A. You don't actually be happy and proud of it. Don't hang it up on the roof for sure. So I don't know if you guys saw it, but I got into my first A. It was a huge, huge mistake, but I am happy about it.

Yeah, let it quietly bring your GPA up But don't celebrate That's what I would do Yeah, I think I agree If I were you, I probably wouldn't And I wouldn't say anything And nobody's getting hurt You're not actually hurting anyone

Unless the class is based on a curve And even then I say it's probably fine It's not like you stole someone's money It's just a mark she it's just a mark just a simple mark my marks were all top except for all of them she did ace children's? I got a G in maths. A P minus in English lit. An O positive in my blood type. Which, of course, we just call lit.

We call normal lit. Normal literature. All right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for coming. You already plugged what you wanted to plug. I did. I appreciate it.

If you have your own questions out there and you wanted to help our advice, email is ifireyoushow at gmail.com We're also still accepting theme song submissions. Every episode begins and ends with a theme song written by our talented

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Thank you for having me guys. Uh, and we'll be back on Monday later. It's time to lend a helping hand. J and A will keep you from drowning. Podcast to wherever they may be. Love is love. Sex is sex, you should expect good advice, John Wolfe and Sheep's clothing.

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