Segments - 128: Herpes

Episode Date: January 19, 2015

In this episode we discuss ESP and STD's. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, TheBouqs.com, and TaxAct.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do if i were you i'd listen to these assholes let you in on an any day blast Give some advice, well at least they try They can make you laugh at least 20% of the time Holy shit. That was great. That was actually one of the good ones. That was haunting. Yeah.

That was, oh. When I started playing it, I'm like, oh, is this like a real song that he sent? But then he's like, oh, no, he's actually singing about it. Yeah, he's like, oh, he's making fun of us a little bit. Yeah. I'll take it. It's a gentle ripping. I'll take the gentle ripping.

Because I know he's kidding. I'll take the gentle ripping because i know he's kidding i'll take the gentle ripping because i know he's kidding yeah because if that was the truth i'd kill myself ruth geez silly rhyme dark concept you're funny 20 of the time jake feeney a singer songwriter from toronto facebook.com j jakefeenymusic. Man, that had so much soul. He actually just released his second EP A Fit of Colors on jakefeeny.bandcamp.com Alright. Feeny is F-E-E-N-E-Y Feeny. Feeny. Feeny.

I can't seem to find Feeny. Feeny. Feeny. If you're feening for more Feeny, visit jefffeeny.bandcamp.com It's Jake. It's your name, Feeny. Feeny. Feeny. If you're feening for more feeny, visit jefffeeny.bandcamp.com. It's Jake. Oh, shit. It's your name, Feeny. Oh, no.

I'm the only one that can have it. You're lucky to be sharing a name with someone that's cool. Who's the coolest Jake? Me. Then this dude. Then Gyllenhaal. Oh, oh yeah that's a good jake so you have to share your name with a bunch of cool people there's not a lot of cool amirs there's a boxer that's pretty cool that's cool yeah yeah there's i think there's um jake's pretty popular name i don't know what to do about it are you proud like you did something yeah well i'm actually a little pissed my parents

couldn't come up with something original what like some name that no other person has yeah that's stupid um how about jump bagging two you that's what you want your name to be jump bagging two yeah yeah you think so i think so that's an upgrade? I think nobody else has it. That's true. So there we go. It's funny because 2 is in it. The numeral. Yeah.

2. The numeral 2. Who's Jumbaggin 1? There isn't one. I'm number 1 and number 2. I'm every number Jumbaggin. I never want to talk to you again, sir. That's fine.

That's fair. Most people don't. Of course. But at least my parents came up with an original goddamn concept. What's your name? Roy? Yeah, it's actually Roy. That's pretty nice.

Shit. Can we at least acknowledge how insane that shot in the dark was? I guessed your freaking name. Act crazier. That's something that never happens to me. Jump back in two. I actually wish I had a normal name like Jake. freaking name act crazy that's something that never happens to me jump back into i actually wish i had a normal name like jake i do hate it when people don't react appropriately to crazy coincidences yes you it's hard i try to i try to i'm like you don't understand how huge of a shot

in the dark like that's a one in a thousand uh-huh if i said name a number between number one and a thousand and then you thought 638 and i said 638, you'd go crazy, right? Yeah, but how impressive is it if they guess 675 and you're like, oh, it was 638. It's in the 600s. Yeah, that's somewhat close. But it's still like there are 999 wrong numbers and they just guessed one of the wrong ones. So it's not that impressive. Yeah, well, what's crazier?

So let's say I'm saying think of a number between 1 and a thousand you think of 638 right what would be crazier to you if i said 636 or if i said 738 i guess you know it'd be crazier if you said 630 something but i guess well let's try it i'm gonna think of a number between one and a thousand all right okay yeah you got it yep uh oh no i just it's it can't be 638 it has to be a random one 638 it wasn't 638 all right so wait let me actually guess that. One in a thousand? Yeah. I keep on thinking I'm mouthing the number. Yeah. It's so scary. I don't want you to guess it. This is so exciting for us.

It's so boring for everyone else. We lost every listener. All right. I think I got it. What is it? 9-0-1. Wow. It's 8-0-2.

Really? Yeah. That's not bad. That sounds kind of impressive. Isn't that kind of close? That's pretty close. Yeah, that's like an interesting version of it. Because I'm exactly one over each. No, the zero stood.

Oh, yeah. Obviously, the zero was the pillar. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Was it really 802? Yeah, it was. So, I think 901 is closer than just a... I'm kidding.

It was 240. This is as far over you. really 802 yeah it was so i think 901 is closer than just a rent like i'm kidding it was it was 240 this is just fine over you it was it was 901 it was 802 oh wait 801 what did i say it was i said 901 you said 802 oh right right so it was one up one up a middle and then a down yeah wow that is interesting symmetrical yeah i told you that my friend over thinks i'm a little bit psychic yeah i think i mean you are very good at guessing birthdays, though I will say when we do that trick together on people, I'm just as close. Yeah, because there's no such thing as being a little bit psychic. Right.

It's just like weird little guessing games. But still, 901, 802. Maybe I just play guessing games a lot. Right. Well, I think, because I think it's easy once, I feel like every time we've done the birthday thing, it's like, oh, you're a summer baby. I can tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a winter birthday. We do a season and thing. Yeah. And then once we get that, then it's a lot easier. It's game over. Mm-hmm. Right. Enough about this shit.

Sure. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me! And? You! I'm Amir. I'm Jake. This podcast is an advice podcast. People email us at ifirewishow at gmail.com

They're seeking our advice. Why? Because we are the kings We are the kings. We are the kings of wishful thinking. I'm king of wishful thinking. And I'll toot our own horn, because usually we're just like, we don't know anything. Right. We are good at sort of knowing 18 to 30-year-old habits.

Yeah. I think at this point, we've read thousands of emails yeah we've gotten our practice we've had follow-up pups we've gotten live advice at the live shows i don't know what's normal and average but i think i do know what's good yeah i think we're socially intelligent yeah emotionally aware yeah we're good at advising. Yeah. We are good at it. I'll own it. I'll own it. I'll own it. And I've earned it.

The first question stumps us. Oh, shit. I don't fucking know. I don't have a clue. All right. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Do you want to read these? I feel like I always read them.

Or do you want me to read them? You do always read them, so you should feel like that always read them or do you want me to read them uh you do always read them so you should feel like that yeah but do you want me to keep reading do you want to read one i'll read one yeah it'd be nice uh okay this one's pretty funny all right so you come up with the name all right uh it's a lady no it's a dude um uh oh my name is Oh my god, I'm stumped I definitely want his first name to be Sid Okay

I just can't quite figure out what his last name is Sid Sal Sid Sal? I think so I think his name. Sid Sal? I think so. I think his name is Sid Sal. Sid Sal. Oh, a mosquito just flew out.

Sid Sal. Sid Sal writes, I am an 18-year-old high school senior. I guess I shouldn't say where he's from. Yeah, sure, why not? Don't say where he's from uh yeah sure why not don't say where he's from okay so kalamazoo michigan let's start this is turning into a mad lips i am a 19 year old high school frog oh lord oh do you need to cop that out yep yeah oh this is real this is happening it is live and it is raw. The phlegm. The phlegm.

You really heard it. You felt it. And it was good. It does feel good to get rid of it. Yeah. Wow. That's going to gross a lot. I bet that grosses a lot of people out.

Probably. You know what shouldn't gross people out is I feel a lot healthier. And now the phlegm was in my throat, which is the grossest place it can be. Yeah, imagine that. And now it's... It's in mine. Which is the nicest place. I spit it into your mouth. All right.

This is from Sid Sal. I'm an 18-year-old high school senior from Kalamazoo, and I have a very awkward situation. I met this girl on tinder not too long ago and we hit things off so we arranged to meet up it went well so we began to hang out more and more each time it got more and more heated soon after we were full-on hooking up oh she was extremely good in bed and she gave head like a goddamn porn star oh but here is where the problem comes in oh one time when she was giving me some slop top she looked up at me mid lick and sang take me to the candy shop let me lick the lollipop what the fuck i could not believe it when i heard her it threw me off so

much i couldn't stop cringing at the thought of it. She was being dead serious, so this wasn't just a failed attempt at a joke. When she did this, I just ignored her and tried not to laugh because I didn't want to make her feel bad. This is my question. Have you guys ever come across something so awkward in bed? What the hell should I do if anything like this happens again? Please help me. Oh. So, do you think he gets he knows that it's a song? Like, he knows that it's a song? Like he knows that it's a popular song? Or he thinks that she made it up?

I, really interesting point. I would definitely imagine he knows the song. So he's like, I'm so turned off by the fact that you referenced that song. Yeah, I don't think he would just like, she made it up. I think he would mention like mention she made up her own song and these were the lyrics. They matched up to an actual rap song, if you can imagine.

So it's such a funny specific thing because it's like, she's trying to be cute and sexy and he's just like, oh, don't sing a weird popular song. That is weird. That is so strange. But if somebody did it i feel

like you have to take their intent at the very least she's trying to turn you on yeah but what she did in a weird way it just didn't and like i've been in this situation where uh literally the girl saying the song must have been the same girl or some shit. No, but like somebody does something that just turns you off so much that it's all you can do. It's all you think about every time you see them is like that one super unsexy thing. Huh? Dare you say specifically what it was? No, I mean, I couldn't think. I just, it's happened because for a while i was just so so picky that like somebody doing

anything like even watching somebody eat something i was grossed out by right like if i if somebody got like a bloody mare i'd be like oh i can't imagine like kissing them their breath would taste like pepper and pickles and now i like don't even want to see them so you're saying it's not you it's me wait yeah it's not it's not them it's you yeah i'm just like that's horrible yeah uh that being said i think this guy's thing is a little more valid because that it really is so it's such a turnoff just imagine a girl a lady first of all if somebody is i feel like if somebody is giving you oral sex, you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. She's doing like a very selfless act. Right.

That's true. So it's like she's got to do a lot to mess it up. Yeah. And it's like it's like how you can't get mad at someone for doing you a favor wrong. Right. Like, oh, I'll pick you up at the airport. Sorry, I'm 20 minutes late. You can't get mad.

No, I guess not. You can't get mad, but you could say I'm turned off and I might not ask you to pick me up at the airport sorry i'm 20 minutes late you can't get mad no i guess not you can't get mad but you could say i'm turned off and i might not ask you to pick me up at the airport again yeah this will be the last favor you ever give my ass because then i mean it's also representative of a larger thing of like what she thinks is sexy and you might not think you guys just might find that you've completely missed each other on this, and maybe it's a little more. I think you're extrapolating a little too much. I mean, this is like one second of a long hookup sesh.

Right. And you're just like, maybe you just don't find each other attractive. I don't know. This is so fucking lame. It's funny to laugh in something. He's trying not to laugh at how much he thought it was pathetic. Yeah, it's funny to laugh and stuff like he's trying not to laugh at how much he thought it was pathetic yeah it's so while she's giving him a beach i don't know it's yeah that shit's cringy that shit's cringy though that cringy though so would you say your advice is

not to sing songs popular songs during sex well i Well, I think some people might be turned on by it. I don't think this, in my opinion, I don't think this is the first time she's tried that move. That song's been around for a while. Yes. I think I'm willing to give this girl more of the benefit of the doubt than you are. Well, I just think that...

Here's, I guess... the doubt than you are well i just think that um here's i guess i think this is a bad that was a bad move on her part uh but i guess it sounds like you at least didn't react like it totally turned you off or on so maybe she won't try it again i mean i've had a girl start like rubbing down there and singing let it grow let it grow it was a full parody yeah i think she was a musical improviser because it was so good that would be kind of cool yeah um if that if somebody got to you what would you do uh i think i would have the same reaction just like oh i mean like it's so hard to be like dirty talk dirty talk is so it's you're so self-aware so like i can't imagine like she's doing so much and then she's also trying to do that and then like if it falls short like singing just don't sing dirty talks cool but here's the thing like i what i'm saying when

then when that's not the first time she did it like it did work and it did turn someone else on so like it just didn't work on this guy well you don't know if it worked or if she's done it before i feel like she wouldn't be doing it again now like that song came out 10 years ago. It's the rare 50 cent song. I like you like a lollipop. That's a Lil Wayne. What's the Lil Wayne song that he's talking about? You told me about the other day where it's like people metaphorically talking about sex and then Lil Wayne just comes out.

Truffle butter. It's like everybody just like, it's Drake, Nicki Minaj, and Lil Wayne. And Drake's like talking about how he like wines and dines people or whatever. Like girls like into truffle butter. Nicki Minaj like also offhandedly mentions it. And then Lil Wayne is like, I put truffle butter on your pussy. Lil Wayne is the animal of the Muppet rapper universe. He just like gets lowered in

from a cage and he just says whatever he wants like yeah fuck simile is a metaphor i just put trouble butter on your pussy all right the trouble butter was representative of a of a like a high quality pussy yeah and now you're just talking about okay uh wayne way you want to try to lay it down like no i spit it from the top of my dome but okay that's the thing about little wayne you have to take the good with the bad you can't change like he's like he's like an imperfect relationship it's like okay something's wrong here but you have to understand that that's like valleys the highs the highs are high exactly low is the mariana trench it does not get lower so what should what was the specific question he had um he like

should he discard this lady entirely i don't think you should discard her entirely but i mean how do you de-incentivize i mean there's a great chance she will never say it again but what if she says it every time then it turns into like oh his question is have you guys ever come across something so awkward or this awkward and what should i do if it happens again so it sounds like he's he's not writing her off which is good like we would both say don't bail on this entirely if it happens again which i don't think you're right i don't think it will but it might if it have if it happens again same exact song same exact line i guess i would just i think you should just have your natural reaction and laugh oh i don't know that might

really offend her there's nothing worse than hearing laughter when you're going down on somebody i'm being like, fuck. But also, you don't want to have a weird, somber conversation about it. No. It's almost like you want to laugh, have her get hopefully a little bit irked, but not like wrecked. Is there a sexy way to say, shh? No, I think you have to laugh.

It's like, why are you laughing? I'm trying. I'm being sexy. I'm sorry. Singing just made me laugh i think what you're doing is great but i don't think you all i don't think you want to have like a hey stop stop what you're doing i don't like when you sing yeah that's worse you can't have a conversation mid that it's better to giggle and have her be upset and then you explain why

you giggled and get yourself out of trouble yeah so that's what i think that's what i would do uh i would probably not do anything because i'd be too scared to fuck it up but like what if you lose your erection because it's so unsexy oh that's that would have to be really unsafe a single line that is more negative than a blow job is positive it takes it down from 100 to zero i don't know that'd be amazing then she'll notice uh oh maybe that's what he should do he should go flaccid yeah just that's good advice yeah go flaccid as flaccid as possible. Or come instantly. Either way. Set up a Pavlovian response to this thing.

That would make this question really interesting. But here's the thing. I was about to come anyway. So when she sang, I came. Now she thinks. That's a great... This is like a modern day Seinfeld, dude. Yeah.

We should tweet it at Modern Seinfeld. Jerry comes instantly when a girl sings a song as he orgasms. Does not want to give her that self of like, make it seem like a reward for her. Right. All right. Next question. Yeah, sure. Do I?

I have your phone now. This is yours now. A lot of selfies. Enough. Okay. Question two. Here we go. This one comes from a lady.

Her name is Melrose. And her last name is Placha. Melrose Placha. Mel Primrose Placha. Melissa Primrose Placha Melissa Primrose Placha Dilla Placha You know what, fuck it, her name is Jessica Jessica Chastain

Hey guys, here's my situation I've been dating my boyfriend for three years now and we live together I cheated on him once before but to be be fair, he never eats me out. And this guy told me he'd eat me out, so then we hooked up. Anyway, that guy was a guy I hooked up with before I got together with my boyfriend. The reason we stopped hooking up is because he has genital herpes. So that kind of scared me off.

But he eats me out and I don't have to do anything to him because he has herpes. So anyway, it's been five months since I cheated on my boyfriend, but I've been texting the herpes guy for a while and things are getting pretty sexual via text i really want to hook up with him but i don't want to break up with my boyfriend because we live together and it's like really inconvenient but he herpes guy is good at going down on me anyway i know this is bad of me and i shouldn't do this but i also really kind of like herpes guy we get along really well what would you guys do if you were dating someone and really like them and think they're perfect but then you find out they have herpes thanks for the advice i like that at the

end i thought she was talking about her current boyfriend right what would you do if you're dating someone and he's great but he has herpes oh you're talking about the mistress she went from she went from just like saying i kind of want to cheat but this guy has herpes too i kind of want to date this guy too i am dating this guy what would you do if he has herpes it sounds like you're already over boyfriend mcgee i feel like there's no reason to stay together with boyfriend right you've already moved on mentally to a guy that you probably shouldn't have sex with unless you're the only person to ever have sex with it's definitely dangerous to be cheating on your boyfriend with somebody that has genital herpes.

Yeah, that goes from emotionally dangerous to actually physically dangerous. He might give you... I think... Don't quote me on this, again, but I think you can get herpes, even if a guy with herpes... Yeah, Google that.

We should find that out. I bet they'll say you can. People are usually pretty safe about that. Because, yeah like with diseases they're just like yeah there's a chance don't do it there's always a chance yeah always a chance i want to but i want to find out for sure there is i mean like if you have herpes i don't know if it's localized to just your genitals you can have like you know like cold sores or herpes on your mouth i don't know i feel like once it's in you it can get transferred through your tongue or your peen yeah that's

well your default search is fucking Yahoo you're using a weird browser I think not using a weird I'm using the browser that you use well Firefox yeah I use that it's very specific but I only use that to post stuff to our

podcast Tumblr still you didn't ever change your default search? I think I did, and it didn't take. Really? Can we get into that? We spend the next half hour on how to change my default search engine. Wait, what are you searching? I don't know.

Can you get herpes through cunn conilingus general herpes transmitted from mouth and actually the search came up but all these links were clicked i think you have it they're all purple they're purple links um all right sorry i shouldn't i shouldn't read this can we just pause for a second? Let's pause for one second. General herpes is a disease caused by the herpes simplex virus, of which there are two types. All right, are we back? Sure.

So I just read some of this article. Keep in mind, we're not doctors, and I only skimmed an article on WebMD. But you're safe. Cheat on your boyfriend. I repeat, you are safe. Cheat on your boyfriend. I repeat, you are safe. Cheat on your boyfriend. I mean, it says herpes simplex 2, which is genital herpes, can usually only be passed off from penis to vagina or penis to butt or whatever. Penis is the source.

Or vagina to penis. Yeah. But that guy can is the source. Or vagina to penis. Yeah. But like that guy can kiss and eat. Genital to genital. Yeah. But it also could be passed from his genital herpes to her mouth to give her oral herpes, which is, I guess, she's saying she's not doing anything to him. Right.

Which is essentially, I suppose that's okay. But once you're in there, things are getting swapped. But the other thing, herpes is a disease that's always evolving and changing. So I don't think it's ever that safe to be hooking up with somebody that has the herpes virus. I mean, unless you're like, I'm going to marry this guy and then we're just going to both have herpes together. Sure. But I think there's also complications if you're a lady who gets herpes. Pregnancy is dangerous for you.

So even if you're going to enter a relationship, I would say try not to get the herpes. Use a condom and do all that. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But definitely, you're putting the boyfriend you live with at risk of you giving him herpes from cheating on him. Yeah. Which is, I think, the meanest thing you can do to someone. Yeah, breaking up with them and then giving them a disease. Like, hey, I'm sorry.

I cheated on you. I don't want to be with you. Also, get tested. You have herpes. It's all, all, all bad. so that's not a nice thing to do to someone uh so they're specific the specific question is what would you guys do if you were dating someone and really like them and think they're perfect but then you find out they have herpes which is totally unrelated to her their case yeah she already knows this guy has herpes

and she's cheating on her boyfriend so the advice that you didn't ask us for that we're giving you anyway is don't be with your boyfriend and then if you want to be with this guy that has herpes if that's a con if you want to cheat on your boyfriend with anyone break up with him but especially so

if it's with a guy with herpes I would say it's an urgent situation if you're about to cheat on your boyfriend with a guy with herpes. Well, I mean, I would say it's an urgent situation if you're about to cheat on your boyfriend with somebody who has herpes. Yeah, because this guy's already gone down on you. Yeah, so stop what you're doing. Break up with your boyfriend immediately.

Yeah. And then if you want to be with a guy with herpes, look into the actual risks and see if they're worth the reward. Talk to a real doctor because I think there's some kind of complication with pregnancy. Yeah. Yeah, whatever.

So to answer your question, what would you do? What would you do if you really like them and they're perfect, but then you find out they have herpes? What would you do? I guess if they check off literally every other box then it's like oh this is a thing we can get through because like i'm sure if i found my soulmate and wanted to get married and then they got herpes i wouldn't abandon ship so doesn't it make sense not to abandon ship but then the problem is if i don't even know them yet like if the first thing i learned about them is herpes they start with such a net negative that I don't really think that they can climb out of that hole.

Yeah, so like if I'm dating someone and they're perfect and I love them, and then I find out they have herpes, it's like they're not perfect because they lied to me about having herpes for a long time. Yeah. Or here's another mathematical way to think about it. Don't let me lose you yet. God, my erection's gone. Thanks, bud.

Herpes is negative. There's a scale. A woman... A partner is on a scale. Okay. Best is 100. Worst is negative 100. Got it. If they're in the positives, you marry them. Really? Yeah. If they're even at a 2? Yeah,

you'll marry them. herpes is negative 99 that's what you dock for herpes this girl's got to be a perfect 100 going forward for her to end up at one and if it's the last thing i know about a 100 and she gets docked 99 like you know what she's still worth it but if the first thing i learn about her is a negative 99 i'm like you're not climbing out of this hole i mean what are the odds that you're not only you're six foot four uh 200 pounds all the things that i think are a perfect woman one tit a double d the other less than an a i mean you know what i like the other one's inverse yeah strawberry brunette i i take issue with your uh with your putting somebody at a negative 100 for having herpes.

Negative 99. All right. I take issue with it. Yeah. I do. Yeah. I mean, I don't think – a lot of people get herpes completely by accident. You think that you're going to give them that fine?

Well, the fine is not like you owe me owe me cash or i am i'm you're saying they're an outcast in society and they're they're not they can't they can't pursue an eligible bachelor like yourself no absolutely i'm not saying that i'm saying on my compass on my scale those numbers can be any like somebody with herpes is a leper to you that's what you're saying it's like if someone like what you give what your biggest penalty would be would be to a girl who uh says that she loves jesus and thinks that all non-believers are going to hell you'd give that person a huge deficit probably well i don't i don't i don't have a scale like you do probably is she fucking hot or not that would be probably bigger that would be a minus 101 that even if she

was perfect she couldn't get back to positive territory and you're just saying that all people that are religious don't deserve to find someone blah blah blah no i'm just saying for myself i wouldn't want to necessarily start a relationship with someone that i know has an std i that's the that's what the the issue is for me where i think somebody that has herpes can be lovely and uh charming and beautiful and whatever and but like it would i would take pause entering a relationship with them because I would be at risk myself for having herpes. And if our relationship doesn't work out, then where does that put you when you leave? Sure. You, you're, you have to like disclose to anybody you would date that you have herpes.

Henceforth, negative 99. I don't think. Everything you're saying is what I'm saying. I'm just giving it a number. Wayne Gretzky. Quantifying it makes it mean, I think. It's like putting the Jewish star on somebody's sleeve. Oh, how dare you.

You're a Hitler of dating. A Hitler of dating. That is what my OkCupid profile pic says. The picture, not even the bio. You should make your OkCupid name, I Hate Hitler. Oh, that's good. Instead of Hail Hitler, it just says Hate Hitler. Yeah.

Yeah. I wonder if anybody's name is I Hate Hitler. Not their name on the dating profile, their actual name, just like you were talking about earlier. I want to make my instagram name i hate hitler and then i just comment on everybody's uh photos like wow i guess abigail 29 29 kind of likes hitler the very least she's neutral about it not willing to take a stance on her sorry i'm the one with the cojones to say anything but i guess i'm kind of a hero in that regard uh do we give this girl enough advice?

Yeah, to not cheat on her boyfriend and to only enter this relationship if she really, really, really thinks this guy could be the one. Otherwise, you can find other people to eat you out. Yeah. You might want to talk to your boyfriend about it. He might be able to. I'm sure he'd rather go down on you than have somebody that has herpes go down on you while he's still living with you.

If given the opportunity, I feel like he wouldn't be into that one. Definitely. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back right after this message. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain

name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z.

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Lava. Lava. Wouldn't it be cool if they brought those guys back for the Super Bowl this year? That would be really funny. I feel like the time is right. Yeah, the time is definitely right. Break. We are going to be in Austin.

Oh, wow. Very soon. This episode comes out on the week we're going to be in Austin. Wow, wow. Very soon. This episode comes out on the week we're going to be in Austin. Wow. I hate Hitler is taken. Oh, no. Who is it? On Instagram. He's private. He has one follower and he's following one person. He's squatting. I feel like we can rescue that

name for you if you really want it. I would like to. This episode, this podcast episode comes out on january 19th the day after my birthday happy birthday by the time you listen to this i'll be 32 wow that's yeah how do you feel about that i don't know because i'm not there yet oh right are you excited to turn 32 uh i think everything now is sort of nothing until 40. Right. Like 31, 32, 33, 34. Did 30 feel big when you turned 30?

Yeah, that feels like the start of a new decade. Right. Because it's like, you know, you're no longer a 20-something. I mean, you'll feel it in August. I know. I wonder, because I haven't felt anything since 25. 25 felt like, oh, my God, I like a lot of things i wanted to do by the time i think people put that on that age for whatever reason you know you're like oh if i do

this by the time i'm 25 that'll be impressive oh i want to do this by the time i'm 25 and then i'm definitely becoming less impressive uh with every year i grow older. I think once we enter 30, it's, I mean... Like people win real awards at this point. Like 32-year-old writers are actually already doing shit. If we got a TV show on the air or something, nobody would be like, oh my God, and you're so young.

This is crazy. It would just be like, oh, it's about time. Yeah. What took you so long? This is basically a decade since college. Right. So I should have a review, an audit of my life.

Like, what have I done since college? And am I proud of anything? Yeah. I would say, no, not yet. Okay, geez, that's sad. Nothing I've done so far would, I would chalk it up. And I had a similar review with my parents, and they agreed. They actually led the review.

I was actually feeling pretty good up until the point where they told me i was a failure that i was going to have a review um what was i saying oh yeah austin we still have tickets available for the austin show january 24th come come come we're gonna be there this week um all right next question sure oh all right well we need a name quincy quincy and actually he names somebody else so i need uh i guess i'll just name the person in his story quincy oh he should be named quincy what's the person in his story sydney quincy and sydney all i can think of is sydney's what's up jakey boy and amir i'm 18 and have been in a good relationship with an awesome girl for a

year she always gets really jealous of this other girl, Sydney, that I've been really good friends with for a couple of years. I have to admit, she's pretty damn fine. But we are genuinely nothing but friends. One time when me and her were hanging out watching Taken 2, she farted on my foot. Anyway, Sydney asked me to do her homework for her one time and I jokingly replied, I'll do it for nudes.

And she took the bait. And sure enough, she sent me some nudes and they were awesome. This was a few weeks back and then today she said she'd make a video of her masturbating and yelling my name while she orgasmed if I did it again. Does this mean she wants my D or does she really just hate accounting? Her friend did jokingly tell me she did one time. Am I a cheating asshole for this? I mean, I didn't send her anything. Also, is this prostitution? IDK. I'm probably going to keep doing it, though. Should I not?

Great question. Let's assume this girl's 18. Because otherwise, I feel like this is illegal. What we are doing is illegal. Otherwise, we're calling the authorities. So, this girl. I like the statement. I jokingly asked for nudes and she did it that's so she didn't get that i was just kidding yeah no there was more back and forth

than that i was she took the bait oh i guess i'll get the nudes now how you did you did the homework you took the bait yeah you weren't kidding. You did her homework for her. Is it cheating to get videos? Those are very specific videos to him. I think nudes are also kind of cheating. I mean, it's all, I think it's all on the cheating spectrum. Yeah. How mortified would you be if your girlfriend found out?

And how hurt would she be if she found out? Oh, extremely. This girl already assumes that they're hooking up. Right. She's got like the hot best friend thing going on which is like girls girlfriends don't like that right like i don't think cheating is necessarily um you don't quantify it in the in the way of like i went this far with somebody or like they only sent me videos or i only got a hand job. You know, you're like, it's not about that. Cause this dude could take,

this dude could find all anything impersonal. He could have sex with her and be like, it didn't mean anything to me. So how can you say what it meant? You can't, it's all about how the other person, how your loved one feels. So if your loved one is fine, then you can't cheat?

Or then cheating is fine? Yeah. I mean, if your loved one is like, I don't care if you sleep with other people, that's sort of some kind of open relationship or whatever. I don't care if you flirt using social media. I don't think very many relationships are that laid back. I think this is kind of standard cheating.

What if a guy is super strict? He's like, I don't want you following any guys on Twitter, babe. Well, then that guy should be broken up with. So what's the disconnect? What's more important? Well, I guess who do you side with if this girl found out and she was really hurt?

Would you be like, oh, yeah, this guy is an asshole? Yes, you would. I think it's just, like, subjective, but the masses would agree that this guy is a cheating asshole. And if you were just following a bunch of, like, models on Instagram that posted pictures of themselves in thongs.

That's not cheating. That's just, I mean, it's like very passively ogling. You're being sort of a skeez, but not really. I mean, whatever. But like, that's not cheating. This is him like pursuing something. And getting it. Illicit that would get his girlfriend upset.

I will say that accounting is really shitty. Yeah, but would you make a video of yourself orgasming and saying someone's name? Yeah, that's very specific. It sounds like she's into him if she's willing to do that, if she came up with that. Yeah, and you know, maybe, it sounds like you might just like this other girl,

which is fine, but you should break up with your girlfriend. Yeah, I feel like 18-year-olds shouldn't be in relationship. There's so much, much like hormones and opportunities there that's like it's impossible to keep that caged yeah why would you yeah i don't want to tell an 18 year old to just like shut everything off that's the prime of your life right there right trust me i'm 32 the advice is to not cheat on your girlfriend but also break up with your girlfriend. Not have a girlfriend. You just don't need it. You can just, you're at this point, the next four years, you're just supposed to take in as much as possible.

Don't shut anything off. Right. Because what if you're with a girl for five years at this point, and then you break up with her. And then it's like, oh, there's five years of nudes that I could have gotten. Or experiences that I could have attained. Right. Or five years of a loving relationship he could have gotten or experiences that i could have attained right or five years of a loving relationship he could have explored and grown with somebody and gotten close with one human being and have a strong connection you know there's that too for sure but then like a video of a girl nutting as she says it's almost quincy oh quincy quincy for the wincy have her do it while she's singing that

lollipop song the candy quincy takes me to the lollipop uh so is it cheating sort of yeah uh just is this girl into him sort of yeah yeah girls don't do that just for homework she would she feels close or comfortable enough with you yeah i think right now you haven't crossed the line because you haven't gotten the video you haven't but like if you know he got nudes he got nudes and that's like not great but let's say that's still a little okay which it's really i guess it's not but if you now you know for in the beginning he didn't necessarily know he's like i said jokingly nudes then i did the homework not really knowing what was gonna really happen she sent nudes and you know now you know do you take that and exploit it further which is the bad guy thing to do while you have a girlfriend? Or do you say, whoa, that was intense. I don't want to do that. I want to be a decent guy to my girlfriend.

That's the better move. Yeah, just be a good guy is the general good move. And if you're a good guy, then you can, you know, politely break up with your girlfriend. That's still a good guy move. And then you're single. Then it's a pretty good guy move to just flirt and hook up with whoever you want and that's okay but what if she's like why are you breaking up with me and then he's like uh well i kind of want to see these nudes from that girl that you're jealous that's too specific of a reason but you just say i'm not invested in this relationship anymore and i can't give you the kind of attention and love that you deserve oh feel it so you're saying like pass it off like you deserve more than what i'm willing't give you the kind of attention and love that you deserve. Oh, feel it.

So you're saying like, pass it off. Like you deserve more than what I'm willing to give you. Yeah. How can she get mad at that? You can't. And that's the beauty of it. That's the, that's why it's the perfect breakup.

You put it on you. Yeah. It's not you. It's me. Of course. There it is. Now I kind of want to get together with someone just so i can break up with them i love that fucking thrill the conversation you sit someone down you stare in the eyes and

you say i'm done with you and me together yeah and to just feel that. God, even not talking about it like this is making me, gives me anxiety. It's the worst feeling in the world. Some people never feel it. Some people never have to break up. They only get broken up with. Yeah, or they just stayed with their first love and they don't know what it's like. Yeah, well.

Thoughts? It's not good. Well, I've never been broken up with have you uh i oh what's going on behind me did you see that i brought a package a big one oh shit that's the papa shot he got a papa shot that's right everybody we bought a arcade basketball game jealous much do we have to sign for it no oh yeah there he is oh oh he just waved that's good he must be a podcast fan the way he waved to us was very knowing he took a selfie uh all right let's go play pop a shot all right uh this uh that's it if you have your own questions, your own emails,

please send it to ifireadyashow at gmail.com. We do need thumbnails, photos, or Photoshopped artwork that you guys can make. 600 by 315. Every time we post our episodes to Facebook, we use a new thumbnail submission from you guys. And we're also still taking theme song submissions. The first one was from Jake Feeney. And this last one,

wait till you get a load of this last one. Oh, found it. By Joey Phelps. Jay Phelps. We are back on a Thursday this week again. Come see us in Austin. Wow. And yeah, thanks for listening.

We'll be back. Bye. Play that. If I were you, I know what I would do. I'd talk to Jake and Amir to find out what to do. And since you would be me, I hope that you would too. Email them for advice and they will help you through. Any sticky situation you might find yourself in,

these two will always help as long as you email in to aboutweevshow at gmail.com Ha! Coming to Podcast One this Thursday, The Chive, the podcast. This is really cool. If it's funny, it's hot, and it's trending,

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