Segments - 129: Especially You

Episode Date: January 22, 2015

In this episode we discuss making friends and breaking hearts. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, Vegas.com, BlueApron.com, and TheBouqs.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So please, if you're interested in creating a Vegas vacation of your own, or if you're going to Vegas anyway and you need some tips and or tricks, that is Vegas.com and use promo code J&A in the promo box. All right, let's get started because you're very ill. I am very ill. I'm about to die. Yeah, so please enjoy this episode of Things Got Real. Bye. If I were you if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you read a rave that's like in a if i have a nightmare about a podcast, that's the background.

I'm running around an empty stage and broken MP3 links are just flying at me in tweets like, Hey, this episode sounds echoey. I actually can't even download it all. It's you running to the airport for our Austin show, missing the flight. That's the soundtrack. If I were you. I gotta get there. Fuck me the soundtrack. If I were you. I gotta get there. Fuck me.

I'm not wearing any shoes. If I were you. Can you go through an airport security barefoot? Like show up at the airport without shoes? Yeah, I guess theoretically. And then they make you take off your shoes.

They make you take off your feet? Yeah, then you walk through and they're like, sir, where are your shoes? And you're like, I don't need them. They taser you? He's a foot bomber.

Get off of me! Thanks for rallying. This is your Michael Jordan flu game. Yeah. I feel like we've been here before, haven't we? Where you're sick? Where I'm too sick, but I do the podcast. Yeah. I guess you do get sick quite more often than sick, but I do the podcast. Yeah.

I guess you do get sick quite more often than average. Do I? I don't know. Weren't you sick in December, your December break? At one point you were sick. Yeah. And it's January and you're sick. Right.

Which is what my mother told me. And then I... My response is this. But I don't think I was sick recently before that. I feel like I got back-to-back sinus infections or colds or something. But aside from that, I haven't really been sick. Yeah. Unless I have. I remember the last time I was sick, I did the podcast with Ben, because you weren't in town and I was sick.

And then I went over there and he was afraid that I was going to get him sick. Then he said that he got sick for me. It's a whole to do. Yeah. Well, Ben gets sick all the time. Yeah. He's also sick today. Yeah, he is. I woke up feeling sick and I saw an email from him saying he couldn't write with us because he was sick. He's too sick. It is funny to be sick how you don't appreciate health. Like I feel fine and I'm just like not that appreciative. But how much money would you give to be sick how you don't appreciate health like i feel fine and i'm just like not that appreciative but how much money would you give to be me five hundred dollars wow but you'd have to look like me for the rest of your life i resent too late i resent i want the cash sawing my face off this wouldn't even work this wasn't part of the plan yeah i really do envy

feeling healthy just being able to breathe and stand up and not be sore and achy and tired yeah and sad i feel sorry for myself i feel pity on me i really do feel pity on me and that's not a fun feeling and i feel bad because like when i see that you're sick i just get mad at you yeah like that's not fair to you right i'm like mad at me i'm just like oh feel better so we can do more stuff like and then i'm afraid that you'll get me sick right like when i'm sick and i'm around people like oh you're sick you're gross get out of here yeah yeah you are being mean to me all day i know what it's like to be discriminated. Yep, I've been protesting.

Demonstrated against. Do you think you'll be okay for our Austin show? It's Wednesday when we're recording. This podcast goes up on Thursday. Our show's on Saturday. I'm horrified. I think I'll be okay. I mean, this feels like the worst of it. You also are very acutely aware of when you get sick.

And sometimes you're right, and sometimes you're able to nip it in the bud. Yeah, I feel like I can think of a couple times where I felt it coming on, and I drowned myself in fluids, slept a lot. That's what you should do. You should just sleep for like 14 hours tonight. As soon as we're done with this this I'm going to go to bed yeah your body I think you can only

one more note about sickness and then we should really move on sure well this is me getting advice about sickness I think your body can only fight disease on hours past 8 of sleep so like if you sleep for 8 hours your body's not getting over it yet but if you sleep for 12 then it's like you're giving your body four hours to fight the disease.

That's a nice idea. One time I slept for the entire day, basically. I was just in bed resting. And I got better so quickly. Because I think it was my body. I was just like, if I shut myself down, my body doesn't have to figure out how to walk, talk, and do normal functions. How did you sleep that entire time i was either sleeping or like napping or like half asleep half napping didn't you get bored yeah

i was bored but i was i was watching tv and i was i was excited to feel better oh so i could watch tv yeah you could be in bed watching tv and then like drifting in and out of sleep in and out of consciousness right so i'd have to be watching something that wasn't very good. Yeah. I'm thinking... Property Brothers. Yeah, I love Property Brothers. That's what I was watching all morning. But you actually like that.

Yeah, it's true. But it's like I could miss a little bit of it because they do so much recap. The only people I know that watch HGTV are like girls in my life and you. You and every girl i know loves international house hunters yeah it's pretty good you and every girl i know watches property house hunters was really slipping and then you and every girl i know loves flip it or flop it i love it's it's just flip or flop ass i don't appreciate the accusations uh i like flip or flop what was the what was the one where lebron was on like nine episodes oh flip or flop's okay i don't like flip or flop that much i i really

like uh rehab addict yeah it's funny like they got is the no rehab addict is absolutely the best show on hgt to me it's like the same footage used for eight different shows not even fucking here's footage all right make a rehab addict make a flip or flop make a house hunters it's just people looking at houses it's all about the host dick the rehab addict she she she's a feisty little fire plug she's feisty but she works so hard she restores all those houses to like their original glory flip it flip or flop is like we're gonna we're gonna go in here they're putting paint on a lipstick on a pig that's what they do they really are uh all right what is this show it's if i were you the only advice podcast on

the internet hosted by me i'm amir i won't host this episode that's all you then and you i guess me okay jake jake co-host um sometimes you're healthy and sometimes you're ill i'm so ill today what kind of ill are we talking just so i can try to empathize? Sore throat, stuffy nose. I feel lethargic and sore. I feel like a head cold or something. What are your thoughts on medicine? Do you do it or do you just let it run its course naturally? No, I'm on a lot of medicine right now.

Dayquil? No Dayquil. I think think dayquil what am i on i i took pseudofed for the congestion sure i'll leave for my achiness that's good and uh some airborne just to inject me with vitamin c though i read this morning that vitamin c isn't actually that effective in getting over I think it might be good to prevent a cold but once you have it then the vitamin C is not really doing any favors

you know what's good is drowsy medicine for when you're ready to go to bed pop like a NyQuil at 9pm it'll knock your ass out oh I should get NyQuil, I'll take it at fucking 5 I'll take it right fucking now I'll snort some NyQuil this second. But I try not to eat too much medicine.

Like sometimes I'll take a leave if I'm sore from something. But I try not to take too much medicine when I'm not sick. Like Streeter's just always on medicine. Yeah, fuck that guy. Just throwing him under the bus. Ben's always sick. Streeter's always on medicine and flip or flop his pretty lipstick on a goddamn pig and then there's me and Adonis who happens to be ill at this point in time but for the

most part is a healthy healthy god Streeter calls himself over the counter side out an OTC yeah you know him oh shit I don't even want to talk about it anymore let's do this what do you say it was another

illness thing. But I already forget. All right. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. You didn't explain how the show goes. Oh, I didn't? No.

Shit. See, now you got me fucked up. Maybe you did. Did I? No. No, no. I just said who hosted it. Oh, I didn't? No. Shit. See, now you got me fucked up. I think you did. Did I? No. I don't know. No, no, I just said who hosted it. Oh, yeah.

This is an advice podcast, basically, you guys. People write us in ifireeshow at gmail.com, and they are seeking our advice, and then we do our best to offer it on this program. Perfect. Okay, so this is our first email that we're reading. Why don't we stay with the HGTV theme? Do you have a name for a girl? Nicole Curtis.

Nicole Curtis. The rehab addict herself. Hey, guys. So it was New Year's a little bit ago, and you guessed it. I hooked up with a guy. It was nothing special, just a classic New Year's kiss, plus a bit more. I never thought anything of it because it was just New Year's. So me and him continued to text a bit, and I was moving soon, and so I thought it was obvious that I never had feelings for him. I was wrong. Apparently he took the hooking up very

seriously, and he took our texting as flirtatious because he just told me that he's planning a vacation to where I live. Now, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I also really don't want to see him at all or have him expect his vacation to be week-long hookup sesh how do i tell him that i don't really want to see him or how could i warn him that his vacation won't be a week-long hookup sesh p.s love the show and thank you for bringing me into the world of tinder love nicole curtis all right nikki uh so this guy didn't quite get any hints that this girl might have been throwing his way. Right.

Because they hooked up and then they texted into him. It's like, oh, she's interested. Right. But so interested that I'm going to plan a vacation? That's a little crazy. Yeah. You think he's just like, you think he's like, oh, she'll be down. I'm going to plan a vacation and we're going to hook up.

I feel like it depends where she lives. If she lives in Miami, then it's like, oh, all right, I could see him reasonably planning a vacation here. And if she lives in Miami of Ohio? Then I think he's being a stalker. I think he's coming here for me. So what would you say that she should say?

This is sort of a text Jake dilemma. Yeah, that's true. Textjake.com, the website that allows Jake Hurwitz to suggest texts for you. Please do check it out still up and running but this one this one's for free so what do you suggest the text should be um i don't know fuck do you say explicitly don't come or like just so you know yeah how far along is he in planning this? Hopefully not very, because she's not down to see him at all.

It's really dangerous, because if... I mean, I guess if it's me, I would first text, like, oh, I'm not going to be around that weekend. Oh, you just straight up lie. Or like, have fun. I'll give you some restaurant advice. Oh, that's good. And then if he's like, oh, I'll plan it for when you're in town. Then I would say, oh, you have the wrong idea.

I wouldn't do that. And I think you just say, as flattering as that is, I wouldn't really be amped on having a week-long visitor. I was planning on staying with you. Yeah, no thanks. You think it's worth a white lying saying, just so you know, I'm starting to see somebody. Or just so you know, I won't be in town. Or I'm busy with this, that, and the other.

Or should she just be completely honest and be like, by the way, I don't plan on ever hooking up with you ever again. See, I feel like that's, this guy hasn't totally proven that he can't take a hint yet. I think you're allowed to give him one more hint. Especially because you did kiss him and you did flirt with him. So why don't you just send him one hint like I'm busy or I'm... I mean, busy is really the only hint. Keeping it vague. Yeah.

Is this something that you run into? Like, oh, let's give this guy a hint and then see if he takes one hint. And if you can't take that hint, then you have to be more blunt. I'm not very good at being blunt with anybody ever, but I'm getting better at it. And I've been in this situation where like somebody might say, oh, I want to come visit. I want to come visit you in New York. I want to come visit Los Angeles. Right. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's awesome. And then they're like, getting into actual planning stages. And I realized what an integral part I am to the process. And it's like,

what weekend is good for you? Then I'm like, oh, I don't accept a weekend visitor. And usually I'll just say something like that like my schedule is always changing i'm super busy i can't accept a weekend visitor but like you plan this trip if you want to take it and if i'm in town we'll meet up and it'll be fun so this is the equivalent of like hooking up with someone in a city that's not yours and then you are just having fun flirtatious texting and like oh you got to come visit me in new york yeah sure i'll come back to xyz yeah it'll be fun which is fine and then it's like all right i'm looking at the calendar and you're like uh well i didn't really expect for you to do that oh no i don't want you to stay with me this is real no thanks because hooking up like having a weekend visit it's like

fun for a little bit yeah that's and that's a lot like being in a relationship with a stranger yeah you're spending 24 hours with somebody even more yeah it's such a real thing that comes out of a one night of hooking uppery right that's a big big big ask i would probably white lie and be like uh i'm either one seeing somebody so it's like oh i'm sorry i can't if you you're going to white lie, seeing someone is the better thing than not being in town. Cause they might see you. Or he might just be like, Oh,

I'll just change my flight. And now I'm going to come another time when you are in town. And then you have to be like, uh, I don't want to see you. And then he's like, why didn't you just say that? Making you feel bad.

You're right. But like, fuck him. You know, if you're making anybody feel bad. You're right. But like, fuck him. You shouldn't make anybody feel bad. He's a moron. Let's get a really phlegmy ha. Ha.

Oh, no. Ha. Oh, no. Kanye with a head cold. Oh. All right. I think it's... Also Jewish Kanye.

Ha, ha, ha. Is that it? Is that it? La ha ha ha. Is that it for her? I think so. Would you suggest the white lie or would you suggest the truth? I would suggest I'm busy and don't plan your trip around me. And if it sounds like, if his response is like, I am planning the trip around you, then you say, oh, I don't want to be at that place with anybody. Especially you. Yeah, no no you never say especially you never say especially you it's always just assumed yeah it is a total like

i don't want a relationship with anyone in the whole world like really especially you but not anyone in the whole i don't really i'm not looking for a relationship with anyone and you fit the description of somebody i don't want to be with it's like yeah i'm kind of busy next week so i don't know if i can see anybody especially you if you were amazing i'd probably find a way right it's like a fortune cookie where you add in bed after especially you just assume when everyone whatever vague excuse somebody gives you, they're saying, especially you. I'm drunk and horny. I'll go home with anyone. Especially you.

Oh, so it could be a good thing, too. Yeah, it could be. Of course. That's nice. So never take anything personally, both good and bad. I think that's a good life credence, credo. Especially you. Yeah.

And then you never get too high or too low. Especially you. Especially me. Do you think then you never get too high or too low. Especially you. Especially me. Do you think I'll ever kiss a girl? I think everyone deserves to kiss a girl. Especially you. But do you think I really, really, really am overdue? At this point, it's...

I think it's sad if anybody's 32 and they haven't kissed a girl. Especially you. Especially Jews. All right. Next question. Yes. We need a guy's name. I think one of the Property Brothers is named Doug.

Oh, that's good. Doug Property writes. Did you know that's his last name? It's crazy. Doug in jail property. His Doug and Jail Property. His name is Jail Property. What a bad name. Doug Property writes, I have a couple questions for you.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for five months. I get frustrated when her texts with me aren't cute or nice, and I tell her in a nice way. She is accepting of the feedback and is getting better, but I'm worried that it makes me look needy or controlling. Is it okay for a guy to bring this stuff up, or should I not? I'm 24 and she is 22, and we just started having sex. I think I'm pretty good at the pull-out method, but I'm worried that this is not

enough. Should we incorporate any other methods, or is that deaf-dease? Let me know if you're going to use this question. Y'all are ballers, shot callers, and shit on crawlers peace deuces i'm out this guy just sneakily asked two questions in one you just do you see the transition sentence that just made it up is it controlling i'm 24 she's 22 we're gonna have to pull up and like wait this is now i'm reading something else you conned me it's like he realized he realized there was a much bigger problem at stake one is texting the other's birth control and he has two big issues we just started having sex

oh actually there's an issue there can i pull out is that that fine? Is that good? All right. First things first. You're a little bit needy, it sounds like. I don't want to seem needy or controlling. I guess what you're doing is a little bit of both. Yeah. You're trying to control the way she texts because you need more affection. That's like the opposite problem that I've ever experienced. I always want ladies to chill out.

To text less. Yeah, text less. Don't be so affectionate right off the bat. I like, you know, keep it cash. Right. But I guess this guy's talking about a girlfriend. I'm talking about non-girlfriends. I also don't want to jump on his case.

I understand where he's coming from. Like a cold message from your girlfriend. You're like, wait, you're being mean to me. Yeah, well, it's tough and I feel like texts are so, since they're so impersonal like if you write I'll pick you up at 7.30, how does that sound? And she wrote, okay.

Then you're like, she's mad. She wants it to be any other time besides 7.30. But that's not necessarily true. It's just like... She just forgot an exclamation point. The society that we live in, man. Everything counts. Every character matters. It's this 140 character or less society, man.

We're looking at each other's screens instead of each other's faces. Staring at heart emojis instead of actual hearts. I mean, it's sick. It's sick. You are sick. i'm sick yeah so it sounds like he's doing a decent job with that he's like telling her nicely that he wants a little more from her in the texting regard as long as he doesn't have any expectations then he's doing it with a pure heart and as long as you're not getting mad at her for being herself,

then I say carry on and ta-da. Yeah, ease it. And I think one of the best ways to get her on your text level is just to send the type of text you wish that she would send, and then you'll change your shorthand and the language you used with each other. Part two,

the pull-out method is actually not uh much less effective than a condom it's the issue with the pullout method is and i think this might be tough because you said i think i'm pretty good at the pullout method like if you actually pull out and you successfully do it, then yeah, there's not a large chance of a girl getting pregnant. Though, there is some semen in pre-ejaculate, though

that usually only will happen if you're having sex multiple times. Pre-ejaculate doesn't actually contain semen. You can see I've argued with girls about not wearing a condom this is a lot it's amazing how much research and knowledge you have when it comes to fucking girls without a condom everything else is like i don't know how herpes works what's the internet what out of certain

things happen but you're like uh in terms of pre-ejaculate now the semen per ounce so in terms of pre-ejaculate what that is is actually just um it's fluid going through to cleanse your urethra of um like urine essentially uh but sometimes if you have sex and then you have sex again the pre-ejaculate will all not just clear out the urine but it will clear out some semen as well and that's how people can like get pregnant from pre-ejaculate yeah i mean that's i don't know i think it's pretty and this is all just you're talking about pregnancy not necessarily stds right which i don't think he's if he's in a committed relationship and then he's not really worried about STDs.

But yeah, that does not prevent, pulling out doesn't prevent STDs at all. So, ipso facto. Cogito ergo sum. The problem with pulling out as birth control is that fucking feels really good. And sometimes you want to stay in there, and sometimes you don't pull out quick enough. And sometimes you do get a little splooge in the old VV. So that's where the problem lies. Right.

And it sounds like he's a little worried that he thinks he's pretty good. You have to be pretty immaculate. You have to be very perfect with that. Otherwise, because the penalty is pregnancy. Yeah. Which is not a good place to be no who knows what her reaction to being pregnant would be so it sounds like you guys could talk to

some people at Planned Parenthood or a guidance counselor or someone who's not a moron on a podcast who likes fucking people without condoms and they'll tell you why don't we just say right now use a condom sure yeah that way it's like hey we told him to use a condom that's a responsible thing for us to do why don't we tell him to practice abstinence

as long as we're fucking going off the rails over here yeah sure don't have sex with anybody the safest thing you can do is not fuck at all yeah because he could put on the condom incorrectly too yep anything can happen uh so birth control uh oh yeah birth control birth control thing i don't know how oh she's 22 she could yeah you're allowed to do that that way you can sleep with her without a condom and then you can also not have to pull out.

I mean, that's the ideal thing. But I think sometimes for women, birth control affects people differently. Yeah, well, he's a guy. So he wins. I got their affectionate right. They don't affect me. I don't have to take a pill. I don't have to change my mood.

Your mood sucks all the time you're always hormonal you're an angry hormonal guy i think you always have pms that'd be funny stakes for a bet we should discuss our super bowl bet but one of the options is i get uh birth control i'll get a month of birth control for my daddy and we just have to take it we have to take you have to take estrogen pills that'd be so funny you would grow breasts i don't think so but that would be funny your voice would change i don't think pills just turn you into a woman isn't i thought that's what estrogen pills were i don't know this is see this is another thing we don't know about that's true uh but that that'd be funny stakes for the vet who do you like in the super bowl this is really tough this is really tough it's so tough it's like one of the and even vegas is confused it's a pick'em which means

there's no spread they're like i don't know who's gonna win it's a coin toss i think it was like the team of destiny because they shouldn't have been there right but then also you think about it like that. It wouldn't necessarily be super sad if they lost because they had such an amazing win. They're not going to recreate that last, their playoff win. Right. But then I'd like a lot of players on Seattle. Then, of course, I love Tom Brady.

That cheater? That's my other issue. I'm going to find it very hard to root for the Patriots. Because they're a cheater. They deflated footballs. If Bill Belichick just videotapes other teams' practices and then deflates footballs so his quarterback can throw them better and his receivers can catch them easier,

they're a hard team to like. They're a villainous. We're not really worried about that we're just uh we're trying to put the most points on the board you know right sure and billy you uh mr belichick you did deflate sure yes no i did i deflated 11 footballs but i'm gonna do whatever it takes i'm gonna give you a chance if you want to you can take off your wet hoodie do you want to i'm okay you want to change uh no you look uncomfortable no i'm quite all right thank you thank you very much i'm soaking wet i am a cheater and this is him he's talking while deflating a football in front of the press sorry i'm just getting these guys prepared that's crazy deflated football i did read that they

replaced all the footballs after halftime. So after halftime, the Patriots played with full-size footballs, and that was when they outscored Indy 28-0. Yeah, which is one of the weirdest things. They were already going to win, so they didn't even... It's the weirdest type of cheating is when you're already up by a lot. Yeah, I guess when you're a cheater, you just try to cheat all the time. You don't just cheat to win.

You cheat in every game. Yeah, there's old footage of Bilicek tying a ref's shoelaces together in the 80s. He was trying to, I guess, trip him so that he didn't see a pass interference call. I want Tom Brady to win. If you were to bet on who you want to root for more, do you even know? It's really tough. Do we have to decide today no i'm just saying in general uh i i mean i i would lean toward uh the patriots okay cool because i'll lean

towards seattle it'd be fun if you bet on seattle last year and won and then i bet on seattle this year and lost yeah that wouldn't be fair god i also i mean i don't want to give it against seattle i like seattle a lot it's tough. This is the exact matchup that I wanted in the Super Bowl. It happened. Congratulations. Thanks. All right, let's take a break

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Thanks, DraftKings. And we've returned. Welcome back. I wanted to read an email we got about the last podcast episode where we talked about herpes. Because this girl has an inside viewpoint that we didn't get across because... Well, let me just read it. Ready? Mm-hmm. She writes,

I wanted to send in a little note to you guys regarding your herpes episode. I feel like you guys have a strong voice for people in the 14 to 30 range, and your opinions on herpes and STDs in general might be influential in the wrong way. I caught HSV-1, which is herpes simplex virus 1,

last year from a guy going down on me. HSV-1 is the oral version of the virus, but it was transmitted to me genitally. I have dated and been sexually active since catching it, though I've been safe about it and I haven't passed the virus to anyone else. However, there have been times that I've been flat out rejected for having herpes. Now, I'm aware that the girl in your question was dealing with someone who has HSV2, which is the genital version, which can seem like a scarier version of the virus. But as someone living with herpes, I think it needs to be realized that herpes is not as scary as it's made out to be.

STDs should be taken seriously, don't get me wrong, but I fear that instead of educating themselves on herpes, people listening to the podcast might just take your advice or opinion as standard and they should apply it to their own lives. This can perpetuate the problem associated with the stigma related to STDs. The fact that Amir would put such a negative twist on herpes, so much so that he would never consider starting a relationship with someone who has it, really saddens me. I did appreciate Jake defending the honor of us with the virus. However, maybe when addressing STD-related questions in the future, you could try to

think of the answer from both sides of the coin. I mean, this girl's a bitch. Yeah. Let me just read it to make fun of her. Picking out the grammar mistakes. Picking out her email address.

With spelling errors. No, but it's true. We didn't consider the others. Did you read the end? I think we were both wrong to cast this shadow. She was upset by your opinion and she was brightened by mine. Okay.

That's fair. So I will say that I was very black and white in my casting out of people with herpes. I think you called them negative 100. That is such a lie. I called them negative 99. You did. That's right. Yeah, and I said I can't imagine someone being so perfect who has to crawl out of that hole.

Yeah, that if someone with herpes was absolutely perfect in every way, they might be a one on your scale of zero, or of negative 100 to 100. When you say it like that, it sounds mean in a way. A person who's just a goddamn saint mother theresa with herpes is a one to you is what you said and a cold calculating terrible human who's just disease free is a 40 to 50 and she's hot uh so i do apologize thank you for emailing us and thanks for uh sharing your insider opinion about how you shouldn't just

discount people with herpes people with herpes are people too they have and they're able to have you know fairly normal relationships without passing on this disease sure uh so it's good that all right if you're in a relationship with someone with herpes there's a very good chance you'll get herpes well what if you're safe and you have condoms and all that stuff? I think if you're in a long-term committed relationship with someone, they say the chances are just likely. So it's like you might as well... We're back to giving advice. We're not crawling.

But I think you could date somebody with herpes and be careful and not catch it and see if that's the kind of person you want to be with. Yeah. But I don't think you'd be safe forever, especially with herpes simplex one. I think it's a lot easier to transmit than herpes two. So I guess the moral of the story is do your own research. Sorry for being so... The moral of the story is definitely that we don't know enough about herpes.

Don't listen to us. But keep listening to us. What else did you want to talk about oh oh no now i'm getting sick uh our show in austin is sold out so we don't have to promote it anymore we can just talk about how excited we are to go there we are excited and houston yeah which is part of the come and take it comedy festival tickets are still available for that But we know what time we're going on now. Oh, yeah, 8.30. 8.30 on Sunday. On Sunday. We don't know how big the room is.

But the ticket, you can't just get a ticket for our individual show, so you get a ticket for a whole day or two of comedy. So that'll be fun if you're a fan of, there's a bunch of other podcasters and comedians, like Norm MacDonald will be there. Oh, wow. So that'll be fun. So buy the ticket for us, come for Norm MacDonald. Yeah yeah buy the tickets for us and then if you want to you can see like norm mcdonald do

comedy let's just say we're opening for norm mcdonald yeah whether it's true or not doesn't matter sure uh anything else um i think we talked enough are you ready to get back to it sure i guess uh the sooner we're done with this the sooner i get to go buy nyquil and pass out and have you ever done nyquil i don't think i have i sort of discovered it late in the game and it is it's a game changer do you just do you take a is it a tablet or do you sip it yeah it's two tablets basically before you go to bed and it knocks you out so like when you're sick and you're sleeping, you sort of wake up, sneezing, doing all this stuff. Yeah.

And the NyQuil, basically, like, I put my head down. And then 10 hours later, I wake up and I notice I haven't moved. I was, like, drugged. Because I actually was drugged. I don't know if I want that. It is a thick, thick, dense, inescapable sleep. You are a dummy. You are a dead dummy for that long.

Eight to ten hours. Yeah, my cabin is too flimsy. You will sleep through the greatest of earthquakes. All right. We need another guy's name. Who did I say already? Doug? Yeah.

I think the other property brother is named Steve. Steve Property writes, I made a lot of friends in high school and a couple years back now, I made a lot of friends in high school a couple years back but now I'm finished and I'm in the second year of college and I've realized that most of my friends I made were

dickheads and just do stupid things so I've been pulling the Jake fade. Slowly but surely, it worked, and I basically stopped talking to them completely, which I guess is what I wanted. Anyways, now I'm only left with a couple of friends and not exactly enough to go out with or have a good time, so I'm wondering if you guys have any tips about finding a completely new friend group outside of school or work do i just talk to random people see if they have a cool group and impose my will on their whole social life

please jake and amir help me you're my only hope love steve property this guy pulled the jake phase yeah i'm an italian Later losers They are all close and good to each other They are brothers In arms And I am on the outside more than looking in I am stroking the window I don't have a job so I can't meet anybody at work And I finish

With everyone at school I've exhausted all my relationships Everyone sees me as the kind of friend Who doesn't stick around and fades away. Help. Should I just walk up to random groups of people and see if they have a cool crew? And once I

find out if they do, impose my will? Y'all look kind of cool. Interested in having another friend in your life? Flipping a coin. But this is a common problem, which is how do i make friends as an adult yeah i feel like because there's all these apps to meet people for a relationship there should be an adult friend finder website so you're just adults and you're looking to find a friend

so yeah just go on to adultfriendfinder.com oh all these ladies look pretty interesting oh this one is a prostitute so is this one what do you do well who are your latest friends and how have you found them um well i guess it's like george and bill Right. So like people, co-workers or friends of friends. Yeah, I feel it. But that's tough for him because he's not going to, he alienated all of his friends. So what mutual friends is he going to find? Yeah.

What about a hobby? That's, I think that would be some good friends like Stacy we met at the rock climbing gym. That's right. So you can take something up and then see who else is interested in that thing. And the good news about that is that you'll automatically have something in common with anybody you meet practicing a hobby you like because you both like said hobby. Isn't there a website or an app like Meetup or Event something where it's like big groups of people get together and do hobbies. Sounds nice. Yeah, I think it's called Meetup, meetup.org.

But don't, once again, don't quote me on that. But I do think there are websites. Is that what you would do, though? You would turn to the, if you had to move to Nebraska for work or whatever, and nobody's there with you, how would you go out and make friends i think i would uh one see if i had any friends of friends in the area so like i would search facebook to see if i had friends of friends like two two degrees away because the best way to meet people is to see who your friends like to hang out with and sometimes you become closer with those friends of friends yeah what if you hate all your friends then there might be an issue with you with me at that point but uh i think the hobby

thing is a is a great way to go because then you're not relying on other people that you've known already you're relying on uh something that you like to do regardless like if i like to play basketball i'd go play basketball and then if somebody's friendly you can sort of tell right away that's a good plan it's like oh we should do this again oh we should do this again another option is you go out on a date you like use tinder okay cupid that's that's that's and then you and then you meet up with somebody and you know when a girl or a guy says like i actually i think we should just be friends. And you take that as like, Oh,

we'll never talk to each other again. You're like, I will take you up on that. I'm actually delighted that you didn't want to be with me romantically. Do you have a cool crew that you could plug me into? I'd like to just be friends with you and her and her and her. And then he realizes that all of his friends are just girls that he's got on dates with that don't want to fuck them him that's the best type of friend you can

have all you need to do is get friend zoned by a couple girls and you're you're in the zone for a lot of girls it's a very small zone it's just you yep but then there's a bunch of ladies around that zone and then you can hang out with them perfect uh there two very very practical useful pieces of advice i don't know what else this guy needs maybe we can offer to be his friend um no i don't want to do that i'm now that i think about it i'm kind of full yeah i mean pulling the the the me fade away on a group of friends is a little shysty actually uh I'd have to really explore the entire group and why you want it to not be friends. I guess it makes sense,

because sometimes there's groups of shitty friends that you need to get out of. Yeah, that's okay. So I'm proud of you. It was a good decision. Yeah, if they're terrible and you're not, then you did the right thing. Also, this guy's a second year in college,

which should be a very easy place to find friends. It's true. I feel like the friends I made, the friends you make in the beginning of college, that's the first group. That's like, I need friends. Who, who, who? Anybody.

And then I think as time goes on, you realize who your actual friends are. College is like a room filled with 10,000 people. And then for the first year, you can only talk to the people that are standing next to you. And sometimes that works out serendipitously and sometimes not. And then the second year, you get to walk around and meet people. And you become friends with those people based on mutual hobbies.

Hobbies, classes. If you're in college, yeah, like activities. Do some activities, boss. Join some clubs, bro. Come on. Play some intramural sports, man. Really? You didn't do any of this stuff.

I dropped out, but I had friends. I still liked my high school friends. They were funny. They actually did some pretty funny jackass videos. Like this one time, I got into a freaking shopping cart, and my main man just launched me into a wall. So I hit a wall, and then we taped it this is really stuff that did happen so i don't appreciate it did you really make jackass videos yeah dude we did you know how i got these scars what's the most painful thing that your friends

convinced you to do um it was really like i I didn't, I feel like I came up, I was not the one that was doing the stunts. You were more of a director. I was, yeah, I was like, I feel like if we were a jackass crew, my friend Ian was Johnny Knoxville, and I was more of like a Dave England or a Chris Pontius. Yeah, only without the skateboarding ability. Who was the guy that just shot the footage and didn't do shit uh i mean my friend ian we like convinced him to jump off a ladder

we lit his shoes on fire and had him do a backflip there's always one friend who's stupid enough to do everything because it makes him cool for 30 seconds but like that wasn't ian man because he was cool before he did any of this shit so why why would he like to let his shoes on fire and do a backflip off a lot it was like the most athletic i guess you could just he was just like uh he was so compact he was a tough little square of a man he was a beef and he was not afraid to jump and ride his bike off of ramps so that was you know what we had to do you were like bam you always did shit and then someone put a snake in your face and you would cry this is actually not cool you guys oh nobody was off bam sucked the worst the worst worst jackass. The jackass characters can all be applied to a group of friends. That's fun.

Who am I? Preston Lacey? You're a wee man. Excuse me. Wee man's actually probably one of the coolest. So I'm sorry for saying that you are. You're just a small person. You're a small man.

Emotionally, not physically, of course uh all right that's our advice uh meet people either online or offline it gets better it gets better uh thank you for listening that's it that's it for this episode um if you have your own questions please send them to if i were you show at gmail.com we read them all but we can't reply to everyone nor can we answer every question on the show. It would take too many episodes. We have 11,000 emails for crying out loud. We also start and end every single episode

with an original theme song written and recorded by our talented fans. The first one was from... Did we ever even say his name? Maybe not. Wow. The first one was from Jamie. So thank you, Jamie, for that one.

And this closing one is from Michael Park. So guys, thank you for listening. We're back on a Monday. And if you're in Texas, we'll see you there. Thanks, guys. If I were you, here's what I'd do. I would look for some advice from these two Jews. If your situation isn't great,

email me and Jake. Their advice is real, it's never fake if I were you. Coming to Podcast One this Thursday, The Chive, the podcast. This is really cool. If it's funny, it's hot, and it's trending, they're on it. Yes, sir! So tell all your friends, The Chive's coming to Podcast One. Well, at least the ones who like comedy, sports, and boobs. America loves what they love. The Chive, the podcast.

Coming to Podcast One this Thursday. That's podcastone.com.