Segments - 13: The Necklace

Episode Date: July 29, 2013

In this episode we discuss high school athletics, difficult graduation decisions, and how to clean jewelry. This episode is brought to you by 20Jeans.com -- awesome jeans starting at... you guessed it... 20 dollars! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. That's right, 20genes.com. That's right, 20jeans.com. That's the number 20 and then the word jeans. And it's not because you have to buy 20 pairs of jeans. You have to buy 19. That's an absolute minimum.

Whoa. No, it's called that because jeans start at $20. That's cheap jeans. I don't understand why jeans are so expensive. And I guess they don't either because they're selling them for $20. That's cheap jeans. I don't understand why jeans are so expensive. And I guess they don't either because they're selling them for $20. Yeah. Jeans are one of those items of clothes that are just... The fact that $20 jeans exist now makes me angry. Yeah, that I've spent over $200 on jeans. Right. Because they're just jeans. I guess that's true. Should I have not outed myself as someone who's spent over $200 on a pair of jeans? Regularly, too. You buy a pair of jeans every day.

Over $200. So if you go to 20jeans.com, you can get jeans starting at $20, t-shirts starting at $10. You can shop by look. It's high quality, super high quality, responsible manufacturers, and L.A.-made items. So you can buy them guilt-free. And if you guys do end up going to 20jeans.com and checking them out. Which you freaking better. It really would help the show. We make the podcast for free. Do you want us to 20jeans.com And checking them out Which you freaking better We make the podcast for free

Do you want us to keep on doing it? Is this the way to get advertised? You don't yell at them You shouldn't yell Should I apologize? How dare you guys make me apologize I made a mistake The sentiment was correct

It is a great way to support the show While improving your wardrobe For cheap but high-quality options. So check out 20jeans.com. And if you do like what you see and buy something, forward the receipt to us at ifireashow at gmail.com. And we will personally thank you next time we plug 20jeans.com. That's a fun idea. That's it.

I was really afraid you were going to say, send the receipt to us. I will personally reimburse you. I only spend $200 a day on jeans, and I really would like to spend more at this point in time. So, yeah, 20jeans.com. Check them out and enjoy the show. Thank you. If I were you, I'd try to walk a mile in a shoe. I'd do the things that I would never do.

That is assuming i was you yeah awesome that was i think one of my favorites of always yeah we'll give you money if you come and perform that for us it's so like what is it about it it just like it's kind of like passionate and passionate it's like but it's simple yeah and it's also like old what is it about it? It just like. It's kind of like passionate and passionate. It's like, but it's simple. Yeah. And it's also like old school. Yeah. Like it, it takes me back to a time that I don't even remember.

It's catchy. Like. And if I were you. And then he also makes his voice sound kind of funny where he's like, I would never do. Yeah. It's so cool. Anyway, that's Alex McGuire. and this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us.

I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. We asked for theme song submissions, and people sent some great ones in, and Alex was one of them. It was, oh my God, I'm like, I really feel like nostalgic or sad or happy or something. And it was like 20 seconds long. You're flushed right now. I've never seen you like this.

You've never seen me flushed? Amir's lying on the floor. Just staring at the ceiling. Holding a microphone on his chest. Shaking his head saying, what was that? I don't know. I loved it,

but I don't know if I want to feel this way right now. I was hit by an emotional Mack Trucker song. I was hypnotized by that song. I think I really was. It was like a spell. Ah, mercy. All right, so for those of you who are listening for the first time, this is how it goes down. People are in a really really really difficult place in their

life just like an awful stuck in between a rock and a hard place shitty situation they're so desperate that they email us at if i were you show at gmail.com people that aren't qualified to talk about to give advice at all yeah that's how desperate they are because they can't pay a professional to give them actual advice no they want, they want to just get free advice from children. They want to stop two morons in the street emotionally and just force them to talk about the answer to their questions. Hi, I'm dumb. I'll talk to you about your problem. Hell, I'll make fun of you.

Will you want to do that? And believe it or not, a lot of people do. We get 50 to 100 submissions a day. Yes, and these are all coming to our email address, which is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. And yeah, we read them our favorite questions on the show and we try to give answers and it's every Monday and you can listen to it at ifiwereyoushow.com or at iTunes.

Although if you're listening to it, you know how to listen to it. Yeah. All right. Now pay attention because we're going to tell you exactly how to listen to the podcast. Because up until now, you haven't gotten it quite right. You're very lucky in the fact that you're listening to it right now. Get a pen and paper because it gets tricky. Okay?

Someone just starts listening to it now. Ah, whoa. It worked. It woke up in a cold sweat you missed the greatest song that's what you've missed so far is one of our favorite theme song submissions other than that you missed absolutely nothing true um and every one of our emails that we read we try to we will read it verbatim but we'll make up a name to preserve your anonymity so don't worry nobody will know that it's you writing are you really pissed at us because okay yeah well guess they can guess by the tone in your email but like i'm not gonna change that jesus you're still mad okay so what

i'm not who are you talking to sorry i'm having this conversation yeah it's on my head i think that's like pissed that like just by their emails, we're outing them. But it's not really happening. No, it's not, but I can just sense that some people are thinking that. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know, after that song. Listen to the song again, though. Yeah. I think that song chilled you out.

I love you. I do the living I would never do. If only I was mine, would you? Hashtag dope. That song is hashtag dope. That song is the personification of hashtag dope that song is hashtag dope that song is the personification of hashtag dope or the anti-hashtag dope we haven't decided yet um all right let's get into it we haven't that much time so here we go this one is from peter peter peter from australia Now, down to the nitty gritty. Here's the sitch. I was dating this girl a little while ago and we broke up two months before her birthday because I moved to a different state. Now, just before I had

left, I bought her a necklace to send her on her birthday. Now I'm sitting here like an idiot with a necklace and not knowing what to do with it. birthday's coming up soon what should i do with it should i risk sending it and her not replying or denying it and me and having to go to the nearest starbucks and slip my throat ha ha ha thanks peter why is this a hard we described the questions and the problems as people that are in dire dire need stuck between a rock and a hard place and this guy's just holding a necklace that he bought for an... Like, obviously, is this a hard question to answer? For him. For him, he doesn't quite understand it.

So if you bought your girlfriend a present, and then she's not your girlfriend anymore... For two months. She's not your... It's not a present for her. You bought the present for someone that doesn't exist anymore. She's a goddamn ghost and last time I checked ghosts don't wear

necklaces. They'll fall off of her neck. I'm writing a pretty chill short story about it. It's called Ghosts Don't Wear Necklaces. It's the sequel to Ghosts Don't Wear T-Shirts Ghosts Don't Wear Sho sequel to ghosts don't wear T-shirts, ghosts don't wear shoes. Ghosts are always naked.

By the theory that things just go through ghosts, they should always be nude. Or they're always wearing ghost clothes. Yeah, that's true. The clothes that they dye. Yeah, that's true. But then we are. Yeah, no, you're right. All right.

All right, man. All right. Why are you acting like that? I don't know what's wrong with my voice, but all right, you got me. Okay, nice one. There you go, Blumenfeld. All right, man. All right. What are you acting like? I don't know what's wrong with my voice, but all right, you got me. Okay, nice one. There you go, Blumenfeld. All right, nice one. What are you doing?

I don't know. Sometimes I just like to really irritate people's ears. I feel like that character is holding a radar gun. All right. All right, buddy. You guys can't see what I'm doing with my eyes, but it's really annoying. It's sort of like the face of a Robert De Niro impression. No.

With the attitude of a ghost Robert De Niro. We will. Yeah, a guy who's sort of having a clever banter, and then someone called him out for something. It's like, okay, we're done then. You're right. Okay. It's sort of your you-do-you voice. Yo, yo-do-yo.

Yo-do-yo. That's like half Yoda,-do-you voice. That's like half Yoda, half Drake. Drake Yoda. Drake-da. Droida. A Google androida. So is there anything he should do besides not give it to her? Also, I love the phrasing of this.

Should I risk sending it and her not replying it? Yeah, I guess that's a risk like what the lowest stakes ever like i'd hate to send this necklace and then not hear anything bad i don't know if i can handle that risk of not hearing back from my ex-girlfriend who i sent a fucking present to after we broke up two months ago are you really not gonna say thank you for this gift say give it to someone else that's also really weird would you like a necklace i don't know stranger donate it to salvation army do they take jewelry yeah totally oh that's a really sad idea for me did you say oh yeah like salvation like poor people shouldn't have jewelry you ass the thought of secondhand jewelry really grosses me out. Why? Like wearing a ring that's already been sweated on by another guy for like tens of years.

Yeah. Gross. Well, you wash it. You don't wash jewelry. Yeah, you can. You can like put it in a pot and boil it or some shit. Is that true? I mean, I think so.

You can clean it. You can definitely clean jewelry. Boil it in a pot? I think you boil shit to clean it. I'll look it up right now. Boil it in a pot? I think you boil shit to clean it. I'll look it up right now. Boil it in actually miso soup. That's like a really cool technique. You got like a pot of miso soup and you boil a ring in it.

Really, this is a real thing. I was going to Google boiled jewelry. Yeah, and it was a suggested search. Boiled jewelry to clean. I wrote boiled J-E and it wrote boiled jewelry to clean. I guess I'm glad it didn't say boiling Jew. Boiling water. Many people believe that boiling water is a good way to clean jewelry.

Yeah. Dot, dot, dot. Those people are 100% wrong. No, it works. Yeah, I guess boiling anything would clean it. Right? So that's my advice How did this happen?

One mistake led us here One mistake led us to this terrible search on my phone That'll be here forever And even if I delete my history It's in the cloud The NSA is just looking Someday I might have to answer for that Boiled jewelry to clean The NSA is just looking. Someday I might have to answer for that.

Boiled jewelry to clean. Some sad, desperate search where I've soiled jewelry. What do I do, man? Do I fucking boil it? I got a stain on this ring. It's in the cloud. It's in the cloud. The fact that I the fact that i searched that though you could delete it from the phone but it'll never go away in your mind it's real it's here earlier today i googled

mark paul gosselaar shirtless so your last two searches you should post that on somewhere being like i'm not afraid of uh posting my search history mark paul gosselaar shirtless boiling jewelry what's the what's the one below that um i don't even want to tell you guys it's uh it's rob thomas shirtless not shirtless thank god rob thomas boiling jewelry uh yeah let me look at mine let's see if there's one that's humorously uh embarrassing um this one's pretty embarrassing but not really bit rate calculator that's embarrassing you loser there one's also embarrassing ESPN.com you googled ESPN.com

I googled Mark Paul Gussler Mark Paul Gussler wife Mark Paul Gussler shirtless then how to then boil jewelry to clean you should look how to pronounce Mark Paul Gussler it feels like you're pronounce Mark Paul Gosselaar Because it feels like you're guessing

Mark Paul Gosselaar Mark Paul Gosselaar I just want to see his fucking abs I don't care how to say his goddamn last Zach Morris dick Zach Morris dick huge Boiling water cleans diamonds Boiling water

Cleans dust and diamonds, dick. You're funny, man. You really are. Yo, don't ruin it by saying that. That was really funny, I think. Why? What? I can't believe I searched this weird shit.

Oh, my God. Don't send her the necklace. Give it away. You jerk. Give it away, throw it away. Boil it away. Boil it until it disintegrates and then drink a glass of hot boiling gold. It just dissolves.

Put it in a fucking drawer. Put it in a drawer. It doesn't matter. Just don't give it to her. She's your ex-girlfriend. You don't give her jewelry. You give her a friggin' explanation, and that's that. Cool.

Ah. My face hurts. That's a good sign. If I were you, I'd do the things that I can never do. All right. Question number two. Two. This one comes from Stewie.

Stewie. Fake name, real email. So my friend in class bought a new jacket, but it's not a normal jacket. It's the Ryan Gosling jacket from Drive. The awkward thing is it doesn't really suit him, and a lot of people are making fun of him behind his back even taking instagrams him of him and hashtagging him how do i tell him he should stop wearing it without hurting his feelings plus he spent a bad amount of money on it what's the hashtag that they're using i really want to search it it's just so sad this kid like probably like

it's i mean he's the type of kid who's my this jacket. Gosling loser wannabe. Hashtag Gosling wannabe. He gets it. Who is this loser? It can't be me. I'm not a wannabe. I am Gosling for crying out loud. Like, he can't really pull it off, or it doesn't really suit him. Like, it only suits Ryan Gosling in Drive, and even barely then.

Yeah. It doesn't even suit Ryan Gosling. It suits his character, a fictional character in Drive. Yeah, I mean, holy shit. Like, Ryan Gosling in Drive, and even barely then. Yeah. It doesn't even suit Ryan Gosling. It suits his character, a fictional character in Drive. Yeah, I mean, holy shit. Like, Ryan Gosling can't. Who can wear that jacket and look cool? No one can wear that jacket. It's like a, well, you want to describe what the jacket is for people who didn't see Drive?

It's like a satin jacket. It's like a white satin jacket with a gold scorpion on the on it gold uh scorpion on the back is that what oh yeah that's right what the fuck no you don't you can't do that it's like it's it's also like so lame because at least if it were like a really unique weird jacket like that it's like oh that's cool he got like such as like what a bold fashion statement it's not a bold fashion statement you're just wearing a weird jacket that you saw someone else in. So cool. A carbon copy of Ryan Gosling.

At least get your own version of a unique jacket. Yeah, that character is cool not because he saw a cooler character wear it in a movie. That character is cool because he created a cool jacket from scratch. Get a black jacket with a spider on it or something. Switch it up a little bit. I mean, holy shit. you can't do that. You can't be like, oh, wow, that's really interesting and unique. It's mine now.

Now I have one too. And it's a little less interesting, a little less unique, but still very much intriguing and quite rare, I'll say. Not a lot of people actually went through the effort of buying the jacket it's like seeing a guy with a one-of-a-kind tattoo and then getting it yourself you're devaluing the currency this is the bitcoins of jacket the more you buy the less they're worth there but he's asking he's not the guy who bought it the guy who bought it we all can agree he shouldn't have bought the jacket yep he's saying how do I tell him that he should stop wearing it without hurting his feelings?

Honesty is the best policy. Direct. Like, hey, man, I think you look cool in the jacket. You think you look cool in the jacket. And that's about it. People do not like the jacket. A lot of people are making fun of you. I think.

I don't care what people say about me. He definitely does. That's why he got this jacket in the first place. Isn't your go-to phrase, you do you? Yo, do you. Isn't he doing shit? Yo, do you. This is the opposite.

Yo, do you. Unless doing you puts you in the Ryan Gosling jacket from Drive. That's the subtext of yo, do you asterisk. You follow it to the bottom and it says, unless it's talking about wearing the Ryan Gosling jacket. I guess that that's not doing him it's doing somebody else ryan gosling he's not doing him so he's be yourself not somebody else that's right so you tell your friend that and be like you know a bunch of assholes are like making fun of your jacket it is kind of lame maybe you shouldn't wear it i think that's the way to do it but is there a way

to do it without maybe he has to have his feelings hurt. I think, yeah, I think he does. And I think he's gonna, it's gonna hurt his feelings less if someone tells him what's up rather than like letting him find the hashtag. Like if you're worried about his feelings, you should tell him now

before he finds out on his own. And then it's really sad. But isn't this bad advice? Cause this guy's doing what he wants to do and then he gets picked on and then we're telling him to change. Aren't we the bullies in this situation? But I feel like he's doing this for the wrong reasons. I guess I'd like to talk to him and then he gets picked on and then we're telling him to change aren't we the bullies in this situation i feel like he's doing this for the wrong reasons i guess i'd like to talk to him

and be like are you wearing this jacket because you saw it loved it one of the same one are you wearing it because you thought that like ryan gosling was cool in this movie you want to be ryan gosling so people will think you're cool so you went out and bought this jacket for a lot of money it seems like those are the same thing. He just wants to be cool. But I feel like there's a difference between wanting to be cool and spending money on something you don't need to spend money on and wanting to be cool but

doing it your own way. So, your suggestion is it's fine to want to be cool. Everybody sort of wants to be cool, but there's a better way to go about doing it i guess i don't even know man i quit oh my god really this question just broke me it really did it really i'm done jesus really we almost answered it too i mean i think you did answer it no i think it's i uh what i can't even speak yes you can you're doing i can't talk

right now i swear to god i think i'm like at a goddamn loss for words you definitely honestly it feels like it feels like like uh like a cat's got my tongue right now it does not it really does it feels like i can't utter a goddamn peep. I can't make a sound. You're making sounds, you're making peeps, you're stringing words together and forming sentences. You're just being polite. Yeah, I don't know. It's weird because I feel like on one hand I have this obligation

if I can influence people to not spend money on stupid products and to try to be cool and like not stay true to themselves and be like, Oh yeah, I'm going to like, just, I don't really know what kind of jacket I like, but this one was in a movie,

so I'm going to go buy it. I'm going to spend a shitload of money. It's so much better to be like, I don't know, just to not let yourself get swept up in that. But then, then that's also not letting people figure that out on their own. This guy is really in

a predicament over here. Seize the cheese. That doesn't really mean anything here, but... Go to the website. Yeah, I guess this... Alright, so the name of the show is If I Were You, right? So it doesn't have to be

a right answer. This is what I would do in this situation. Okay, so don't judge me if I get it wrong, all right? Dick. I think if it's my friend, I say, hey, people are making fun of you. If you want to keep on wearing the jacket, I'm with you, but I just don't want people, like, you're my friend, and I don't want people making fun of you behind your back. Yeah, maybe give him all the information and let him make his own decision.

Like, hey, look at this hashtag, hashtag gosling dork, and all these photos of you. Are you okay with this? Right. If you are, then I am. And if you're not, just letting you know. And I think you should talk to the hashtag bullies and say, you know what, buds? This actually is not cool. This isn't fun, okay?

And then you just, yeah, I don't know. This question really did break you. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I can, I don't, yeah, no. Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If I were you I could never do I'm back

Alright sir We tried My advice is to tell your friend Let him know You don't have to force him to stop wearing the jacket But at least give him all the information Let him make an informed decision There it is

Alright next question Totally different side of the world let's go to brian my varsity baseball coach wants me to play summer baseball but i'm already doing summer basketball and football workouts and camps the baseball coach said it will help my chances of playing varsity next year and they need me should i play summer baseball this doesn't count. You don't need advice, you prick. You're perfect. Here's some advice. Be my friend.

Yeah, you're a three-sport varsity athlete that has your pick of which sport you want to play. I'm just afraid I won't have time to have sex because I'm such a, I've like maximized my time playing sports. Yeah. I'm going to hook up with chicks. So I'm already hooking up

with the head cheerleader but like now the prom queen wants to sleep with me too. What do I do? I'm worried it'll hurt my chances. Yeah, shit. You don't have a problem.

This is what they call like the opposite of a problem. Would you say this is a good problem to have? I don't even think it a problem. Would you say this is a good problem to have? I don't even think it's a problem to have. This is a good situation to have. This is a good situation to be in. You're so good at sports that three different coaches need you to play on their summer teams.

Is it possible that this person is unattractive? In my mind, he's the best looking guy in high school. Yeah. Three sport athletes, can they be ugly i don't think like he's no no i don't think they can't wait so what a position quarterback if he's gonna be quarterback quarterback shorts or quarterback pitcher right she's got an arm point guard amazing athlete chances are what are the chances that this guy's very ugly send us a picture of yourself sir you're listening we want to see a picture i guess even if his face is unattractive like an unattractive face on a very athletic body is not even true well i mean he might not have an athletic body but he's doing three sports i was just kidding The dude's obviously fucking ripped, cut, stacked. I mean, what?

This guy's jacked, stacked, putting up racks. Your triceps are probably the size of my fucking legs, dude. I'd love to know how many dips you do. I'd love to know your max bench. I don't even ever try it, but I want to know your regimen, okay? I want to know. I want to know your circuit. I want to know your diet.

I want to know your regimen. I want to know what kind of clothes you wear. Okay? Let me picture you. Are you a tight medium? If you were a large, does it look like a goddamn small? This guy wears the Ryan Gosling jacket and everyone applauds. The coach is like, hey, play the summer league for baseball.

It's going to really help your chance in varsity. We need you. Like, I think you're going to be fine. I think you're going to get fine. I think the coach is just going to let you do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, he's going to be like, Coach, I'm going to do football practice this summer, and you can suck my dick if you want. I will suck your dick. Yes, you will. I will suck your dick, Brian. Get that on both of your knees and tell me that you –

I know. Two hands, crank it out. That's right. There it is. Are you an idiot? Say you're a child. I'm a child. Say you're it is. Are you an idiot? Nope. Say you're a child. I'm a child. Say you're a girl. I'm a child, Brian. Say you're a girl.

I'm a girl. Will you be DH? What are you? Will you be the DH too and I'll say I'm a girl? I will not do that unless you call your wife right now and let her know that you're a girl. Oh my God. I can't believe Brian's making me do this. And you are going to do it, right?

Hi. Charlotte? Yep. Charlotte, it's me. And what are you? I'm a girl. I'm a girl. And I'm sucking Brian's dick right now.

I would never fucking play for such a pushover. That's right when it comes. Oh, my God. That poor couch. Jake, you couldn't see it, but it was two-hand cranking throughout that entire bit. A super soft penis. I'm a girl. I really am a girl.

I really am. Hello? Yes? I'm a girl. You're a loser. I would never fucking play for you. Splooge. No!

Brian! Damn it, Brian! Christ, man, that's not cool. That really isn't cool, dude. I'm going to give you one more chance. Go fuck yourself. All right. Fine.

I will. I really will go fuck myself if you think that's what it'll take. No, this is sort of separate from the baseball deal. I still want you to do it. Absolutely. I'd like to suck your dick again. Just for me. You're the coach, I think, now, sir.

You're the coach of me. You're now my life coach. Oh, mercy. We're having fun. This is the best. You're funny to me. You're funny to me. You really are funny to me.

You're funny to me, too. I really like doing this. I like doing this, yeah. Like, off the podcast, off the record, completely, like, you're funny. You're funny, yeah. I'm funny, you're funny. You make me laugh. Yeah, you make me laugh off the podcast, off the record.

I think you're a good man, you're a good friend, and I think you're a funny guy, too. Thank you. I'm funny. You're funny. You make me laugh. Yeah, you make me laugh off the podcast, off the record. I think you're a good man. You're a good friend, and I think you're a funny guy, too. Thank you. I really do appreciate it. I appreciate it. You appreciate it. I really think, yeah, we're lucky to have found each other. All right.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, and it's fun that we get to, like, this is work for us. I don't know. In some way. This is good. Yeah. We've, like, found a passion that just doesn't feel like work. Yeah, it feels like pleasure.

It really does. It feels like pleasure. And it's pleasurable to be here with you. Yeah, and they say if you find a job you love, you don't have to work a day in your life. I really do feel like that. You feel like that? I feel like the luckiest man in the world that you feel like that because I feel like it too. I really do.

I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with you and I wouldn't get bored for you. Excuse me? The rest of my life with you and i wouldn't get excuse me the rest of your life um jesus what the fuck was that um yeah i was just saying that i really i like to um i like hanging out i like hanging out with you too but like yeah even if it lasted maybe for the rest of um what do you think well how long do you think absolutely that's over commitment let's take it day by day bud day by day day by day day by day we shouldn't have had nine drinks before recording this one we should have had 10 you do you yada um let's take a little break a little reminder uh guys if you like the show a great way to support it is by listening to it so thank you

so much for doing that yeah you're already you're killing it right now and you guys could uh email us in at a fire you show at gmail.com or you can um at us at Jake Namir. And we also have a Facebook page, Jake, Facebook.com slash Jake Namir. We read it all. We love it all. We appreciate every and all feedback,

especially the constructive criticism because we like reading it and laughing it and saying how wrong it is. We'll never change. Why would we change? We have a fricking perfect game going. Don't talk to us on the seventh inning of a goddamn perfect game. The pitcher's on the mound. Don't make eye contact, okay?

Exactly. 21 up, 21 down. We got nothing to improve. That's what's up. That's what's up. You start telling me shit like, oh, start being better in this way. Start doing this. Now that gets into my freaking head and it starts messing with the podcast.

I hate that shit. I know what's the best for me because I am me. Because I am me. Ass, dad. Voice is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Ass, dad. It's like Tom from Blink-182 as a teenager. Oh, man.

Leave me alone, dad. Shut up, dad. No, dad. Dad. I'm gonna. It's like. I hate you, dad. It's like that or a 98-year-old lady. I hate you, dad. I hate you, dad. Dad. I'm going to. It's like. I hate you, dad. It's like that.

Or a 98-year-old lady. I hate you, dad. I hate you, dad. You know what I noticed? Like when we do the podcast, like when I listen to the podcast sometimes and we're both doing a voice like that, I like forget which one of us is talking. Because like we both do the same exact. Oh, interesting.

If we're doing, if we're doing this voice, you know, like. Yeah, like totally. Like we're both doing who's talking right now. Okay, let's play a little game. All right. Yeah, we're playing a game. So one of us is going to talk and I count to three and you guys try to guess who it is. All right.

All right, ready? One, two, three. All right. Who was that? So, for example, that was Jake and this is Amir. Or in my line, maybe this is Jake talking. Oh, yeah, this is Amir now. This is why we need a video version of the podcast.

That's true. Which we actually have done. If you haven't checked it out, you can go to youtube.com slash ifireyoushow and you can watch. We recorded an entire episode and posted that online. We're also posting little clips from that episode because they're more digestible honestly quite um all right we're running out of time time flies yeah so let's uh let's get to one last question uno mas this one comes from another dude i'm sorry ladies quagmire sorry quagmire writes giggity giggity. Hey guys, so graduation is coming up Tuesday

and my family really wants to see me walk and graduate, but my super hot girlfriend from college wants to give me a little present at the same time, if you know what I mean. So should I graduate high school or smash my girlfriend? You insecure ass. It's so funny because this guy's trying to be as cool as the last guy was And he's also trying to be as cool

I guess the theme of this episode is people who are cool People who are trying to be cool And just coolness in general And then straight up liars Like this guy Hey, my smoke show of a girlfriend is trying to fuck me in a closet before graduation Yeah, what does he mean? He's trying to give me a little present at the same time if you know what i mean no i don't know what you mean what do you mean she wants to fuck you during the graduation just to

have sex before or after graduation also you don't have a girlfriend yeah if you did you know what people who are in high school that do have super hot girlfriends you know how they act they don't email people and say that they have super hot girlfriends because they just already exist this guy is just like he is curled up into a ball listening to this podcast right now no it didn't work what was he hoping yeah let's give him what he's hoping for this dude is like all right so we just got an amazing question this guy's like okay should i graduate or should i just get boned by his super hot girl are you kidding me dude i always that's fucking amazing guys like honestly i really want to say his real name i have to give his fake name it's quagmire but like everyone will at school i know who he is he's graduating summa cum laude he oh fuck i love that i know you're gonna say graduating summa cum

loudly yeah he's getting boned during the graduation He's getting some a cum laude Okay This guy I think is a hero to me This guy is my dad now He's my boss, he's my confidant He's my coach, my life coach He's my mentor And I bet his girlfriend is such a smoke show Such a smoke show

That you have to pay admission if you want to see the show Because it's a show of smoke And mirrors Because guess what they have sex in front of A lot of mirrors Mirrors are involved to pay admission if you want to see the show because it's a show of smoke and mirrors because guess what they have sex in front of a lot of mirrors mirrors are involved this guy's kinky it's hot it's awesome he's awesome i graduated high school smash my girlfriend dude you know you're gonna smash your girlfriend instead graduation is for nerds yeah fucking is for turds turds is a cool way cool people talk about cool people. Totally, dude. You're a turd. Tell all your friends, hey, man, Jake and Amir call me a turd. So, yeah, there's your answer, motherfucker.

Or are we the lamest people of all because we're making fun of this high schooler on a podcast? Huh. Huh. I think he's still a loser. Yeah. Come on. No, we're not. No, we're cool. We're cool. Yeah. You're cool. I'm cool yeah i think you're cool dude awesome man and you and you what do you i

think i'm cool too i really think so we're both why would you say i think i'm really i think i'm cool i totally think and i mean yeah you by extension like since you hang out with me yeah you hang out with me so So that makes me really cool. That makes you cool too. So I guess we're both too cool dudes to say that? I'm kind of cool. So I'll be like, hey, we're cool dudes. And then you just nod or say yes in agreement.

I wouldn't say yes to that. I wouldn't say yes to that, bud. I wouldn't say yes to that, bud. Sorry. The coolness already went to your head. As someone who you think is cool, i don't know if i could just throw away that label willy-nilly i feel like that would really compromise some of my can't risk it dude i look i appreciate that you called me cool and you know an hour ago i thought you

were cool but at this point i've been called cool and i don't want to just i don't want to lose that i don't want to devalue it by just freaking slapping that label on a generic product. And then if everyone's cool, suddenly I'm less cool, so it's not going to happen. You get it. Ah, mercy. We are out of time. No! I'm sorry.

But we're going to be back next Monday and every Monday. And you can listen to the show at ifirewshow.com or seesthecheese.com. So seize the episodes. Go to Seize the Cheese. I'm so sorry that happened. I shouldn't have said that. I really shouldn't have. I ruined it.

Seize the Episodes? That's bad. But like I was already, there was so much momentum going into the sentence, I couldn't stop it. You're bad. I am. God damn it.

Shit. No, don't try to stop it. Cry, cry that's fine i can tell he's trying to stop the tears here they come though can you finish the show for me please i actually won't you can talk with your crying voice i i really do i deserve to speak through this uh yes that email one last time is it if i were you show at gmail.com you can email us in we're gonna try we're gonna we always read every question, but we can't read them all on the show. We just got to choose the best ones.

I'm sorry. And yeah. Oh, t-shirts. Our t-shirts are still available at Busted Tees. You can go to ifiwereyoushow.com to check out what they are. And if you want,

that's a great way to support the show because you can purchase a shirt. Let's end the show with another theme song. Guys, if you have any theme song submissions, those are starting to slow down, but keep them up. Keep them coming, and hopefully they can be nearly as good as the one

that we played at the beginning of the show that I just want to play again because it's so damn good. Or because we don't have any songs. Yeah, exactly right. This is Alex McGuire's If I Were You. Thanks for listening, everyone.