Segments - 130: Sexual Training

Episode Date: January 26, 2015

In this episode we discuss leaving people, teaching people, and hugging people. This episode is brought to you by BlueApron.com, Berries.com, and TaxAct.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Well, yeah, because if we wanted to make soba noodles, we would have to buy so many ingredients. Yeah, and then you just never use them. But this thing is like they send you the exact amount for your dinner, and then that's it. Like yesterday, I had to put some of the coconut flakes in the rice. So they gave me a little baggie of coconut flakes. And that way you don't have to have a huge tub of coconut flakes that we'll never use in the kitchen.

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Thanks for sponsoring this episode. And slash if i were you thanks uh for sponsoring this episode and uh check them out if you'd like to support us uh that's it let's get started fun episode this one was actually pretty crazy yeah yeah insane things that crazy things gay things got real in it which is i know i say that all the time. true. True. True. If I were you. Alex McGuire. Thank you.

Alex McGuire. Thoughts? I like that. That was really cute. He's actually already done theme songs for us before. Really? Yeah. Episodes already done theme songs for us before. Really? Yeah. Episodes 13 and 55.

Oh, wow. And now episode 130. That's, I don't know where he's been. What? But I feel like I've entitled to more than three theme songs from him. You asshole. No, it was good. It sounded kind of like The Wonders.

Oh, yeah. The Oneeders. Yeah. From That Thing You Do, a fictional band. It was good. It sounded kind of like The Wonders. Oh, yeah. The Oneeders. Yeah. From that thing you do, a fictional band. Right. Yeah. Which they still had to just create a band. Right.

You know that guy that's like Stacy's mom? Yeah, yeah. Fountains of Wayne. He's the guy that wrote the songs in The Wonders. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Which makes sense, because if you listen to other Fountains of Wayne songs, they're so

catchy. And you kind of sound like this guy to me. I feel like I'm interviewing someone on their deathbed. Your eyes are closed. You're faint. You're under a blanket. You're just talking wistfully about a band. I have to sit here like I'm hanging i'm i'm hanging out with a with a dying grandfather

yeah no i definitely like i feel like i feel like death and i wonder if i if i'm even making sense i'm not sure like how loud i'm being like am i being is my voice faint uh it's it's it's faint but you're so close to the mic that it's good I feel like the last two days everybody I've talked to they don't hear anything I say because your ears are also clogged so you can't hear yourself very well I actually have a good NPR voice going on it's just very smooth and soft

but very clear at the same time that's nice that's the number one thing said on deathbeds wasn't that nice i just want to touch your wrinkly hands your pale wrinkly hands tell me not to be afraid people should know that the last podcast we recorded was yesterday in real time so this isn't you being sick for four days this is the day after we recorded the last right i'm just sick yeah it's two days in a row that is not going to come out till monday or yeah yeah exactly yeah so they so don't worry if it's monday in real life i'm probably fine or dead those are the two options

in terms of recording we recorded yesterday i was sick we're recording recording the day after oh god oh no oh no i don't feel good do you feel better or worse today than you did yesterday i feel better today for sure you slept a lot i slept for 14 hours you fell asleep when i went to i went to bed at 8 p.m yeah probably around between 8 and 8 15 yeah and then i woke up at around 10 a.m. Yeah. You both went to sleep early and slept in. Yeah.

You had two nights of sleep in one. It was crazy. Like if you slept from 8 to 4, that would have been a night. And then 4 to 10 is another night. So much happened. The world. My dreams were absurd. Why?

Just fever dreams. Oh, God. I don't even remember. Because you took the NyQuil. Yeah. It knocked you out. It knocked me out so i was but i was like thrashing tossing and turning i didn't know really well i would do these things where i would like thrash violently to one side and then sleep like a rock for three hours and i'd wake up there i thrash around and then fall asleep like a stone like a dead body body for two and a half hours there.

You just vacillated between a crazy, frenetic, insane person and a sack of potatoes, an idle sack of potatoes. That's exactly what it was. And then so like every four hours you'd wake up in a sweat. I'd wake up sweating, go into the bathroom, pee, then I'd start freezing and I'd be like, I have the flu, I'm going to die. And then I would get back into bed and be like, I'll never fall back asleep.

And then the next thing I knew, it was four hours later, and I was waking up in the corner of my bed. So you got one more of those nights in you, hopefully. Hopefully. And then I should be good. But as sick as I am right now, I feel like I'm operating at 50%. And yesterday, I was maybe a five to five or a ten could you party tonight if you had to party i don't i don't think so you would stay in a hotel room if we were like if we were in austin we were in austin yeah and i uh i would stay in tonight

oh my gosh yeah tomorrow is very important for me you know that right you want to rage yeah like i need you there dude and i will be there if you let me sleep tonight i'm not going to let you sleep tonight though oh fuck man yeah i'm gonna ruin tonight for you just just so you can really struggle tomorrow I should have a little nip of whiskey. Yeah. That would be good. Have you had like hot toddies while you were sick? Ever? No, no, no. Like last night or tonight.

You can have one. No, I haven't had alcohol in a week. Oh, yeah. You can have a hot whiskey. I don't think I should. Don't they say that? Like the old prospectors? Like, oh, yeah, a little nip of whiskey ought to kill what's in your system. Oh, yeah.

I don't think any old prospectors knew much about health. That's why they wore the same pajamas so often that their hair sort of became intertwined with the fabric. You saw what they looked like. Did they look like the pinnacle of well-being to you? Also, they didn't necessarily think too highly about brushing your teeth. Yeah. They said that was an old wives' tale. They just liked finding gold.

That was also their idea of a job. I don't want to work for a living. I'll just look for gold. Why earn money when I can just find gold? Don't find money. Maybe you should like, you know, have a trade and have people pay you to do stuff. Like if you're sharing your skill.

No, no, I'll just find the money if i search in a river i'll find the money eventually and so many people were right that's what it was it was sort of like nature uh positively reinforcing bad behavior because one guy's like i'll just look in the river and they're like all right charlie you go look in the i found gold what there's actually freaking gold there that That fucking works. He's in California now and he's finding gold. Now I want to do it too. Let's all rush there.

Let's all rush to the gold. Speaking of gold, what is this podcast? It's gold. Gold. Three minutes old. McLemore. Gold. If I Were You is the name of it. It's an advice podcast. They've been assault. That shit felt like... Macklemore. Gold. If I Were You is the name of it.

It's an advice podcast. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And you're dead. I'm dead. How does it work? People email us at ifirewoshow at gmail.com and they're in Bynes.

They're in Amanda Bynes. And they try to do their... I like that. Yeah, they're in Amanda Bynes. They're in Amanda Bynes. They try to do their... I like that. Yeah, they're in Amanda Bynes and we try to sort of help them out of their situations. They're Amanda Bynes. Yeah, so I'll read some emails and then we'll discuss. Cool. Do you have

some fake names for us? Because these are real emails from real people, but we're going to give them pseudonyms of sorts to preserve their anonymity okay let me give you a gender uh yeah we'll do okay okay uh bring me closer to the light dear be a good dear uh okay here we go we need a lady lori beth denberg what the funk was that amanda mines we're doing all that gotcha lowery beth denberg writes hey guys hopefully this email won't be too long i'm 21 and i broke up with my first boyfriend of two years around eight months ago however we've started talking

again and kind of sort of agreed to be friends with an inevitable relationship when we're both ready now this sounded great to me until we started hanging out more and he reminded me to sort of agree to be friends with an inevitable relationship when we're both ready. Now, this sounded great to me until we started hanging out more, and he reminded me why we broke up in the first place. He's a really nice guy, but he does a lot of shitty things that hurt me, and he's starting to do it again. I'm torn because I don't know whether I actually want to be with him, and I'm scared off by these little things because I'm cautious, or whether I'm just holding on to what is comfortable because I'm afraid I can't find anything or anyone better. Please help me because my friends don't know what's going on.

We're keeping this a secret until it's legit. Just thought I should also mention that when I'm not with him, I miss him and I just feel absolutely shitty. I hate the thought of him with anyone else, and after all that time, I was still not even close to being over him, which makes me think how much he really means to me. You guys are awesome and seriously got me through a breakup. Hopefully you can take charge of my love life.

Ha ha. Thanks. Love. Lori Beth. Lori Beth. Hmm. What are your initial thoughts to that? That he doesn't sound smart, what she's doing.

The fact that her friends don't know. I'm keeping it a secret. Anytime you're trying to keep your relationship under wraps. Because your big fear is that your friends will hate you for it. Also, the idea of saying, like, I don't know if I'm just sticking with him because i don't think there's anything better yeah there's definitely somebody there's you can definitely do better if the person you're with uh does a lot of shitty little things that hurt you yeah that's a that's not a some little shitty things that hurt you this guy does a lot of shitty little things that hurt you but

i'm not sure i could find anybody better so you think the best you can find is somebody that hurts you someone that you're so afraid to tell your friends of that you've been kept in it keeping it under wraps someone that you've already broken up with because it hasn't worked worked out before yeah and she's 21 and she's afraid like i've already met all the people i can meet right Right. No, you're 21. That means it basically starts in two years. Yeah. So far, this is a preseason. Yeah. These aren't real humans.

Nothing counts. This is international waters. You could be boxing a kangaroo and nobody would arrest you until you're 23 years old. Yeah. So definitely, definitely, definitely don't be friends with him. It's already bad before you guys are even back together yeah you know what line i think is very illuminating is uh i hate the thought of him with anyone else yeah so i feel like that's the real reason that she's

together yeah you are you're not over it i think that you're saying i'm not over him is like i still care about him yeah it sounds like you're just not over the fact that he's gonna date other people this is also probably her first breakup oh it is her first breakup 21 and i broke up with my first boyfriend of two years around eight months ago he's gonna be with other people and that's good you just have to start thinking of that as a positive because Because when he starts dating other people, that means you guys are actually... Over. Over. It's not over until someone starts dating somebody else.

And you have to start dating other people. Yeah, and you're going to find someone that doesn't do a lot of shitty little things. Right. So why would you be upset that your ex-boyfriend was dating other people? Because she wants to be with... She's like, we were together for two years. That's 10% of my life. You shouldn't be with other's like we were together for two years that's 10 of my life you shouldn't be with other people but we shouldn't be together you should be in a glass

case frozen of sorts yes a cryogenic chamber i prefer if you only existed when we were together and no and no time else that's fine here's an interesting theory do you think your friends you know how like sometimes you're in a bad relationship and you don't know it but your friends do yes uh do you think your friends know more than you do about your relationship like should you put more weight in what your friends think like you can only get married to someone if nine of your 10 friends approve and like if all your friends don't like a girl it doesn't seem like that's a good sign I feel like you shouldn't be able to get married I feel like you need to have

90% approval rating from your friends in order to get married I guess I definitely agree with a little bit what you're saying 8 out of 10? see this is what I don't agree with that you try to quantify everything

what sort of majority are you looking for? 51%? It would be important that my friends and family like my mate. Two-thirds. Got it. But I wouldn't say, like, let's get ten of them together and have them all give the thumbs up or the thumbs down. Well, it would be a double-blind poll. It wouldn't be a thumbs up, thumbs down, because then people would be influenced by other people's decisions. I'm talking about a blind casting of a ballot.

If your friends like or dislike your mate. I really would like it to be an 8 out of 9 out of 10. You want there to be a poll involved. And not just the 10 people you choose. I want you to choose 100 and then statistically randomize 10 of those 100 people and then 9 out of 10 have to approve of this girl. I guess if she's hiding the facts

from her friends, then she must know that her friends don't like him. Yeah. How often is it where all your friends don't like your other and you're right and that all your friends are wrong yeah it's never that right all your friends are wrong no you're wrong yes that's that's the slogan all your friends are wrong no you're wrong welcome to the dystopian future in which nine out of ten people have to agree for people to get married. It's kind of like the witness thing.

You know, like you have to have witnesses at your wedding. I feel like that's the beginnings of that law. It's like, oh, if you can't have two people present who thinks this is a good idea, then it's not. That's what that is. Yeah, that's true. So, like, for example, I had a girlfriend where all my friends secretly resented her. Who? No, I'm just joking.

I want to know. No, I've had ladies that my friends enjoy. Right. Have you ever had a girl that your friends, like, missed when you broke up? Like, oh, no, don't break up. I still want to hang out with her more than you i don't think so or did you hang out with your ex-girlfriend's friends after you broke up no every time i get out of a relationship it's pretty alien the entire world is gone yeah they

really shut themselves off to me and i to them. People don't realize that. It's like when I break up with you, I'm breaking up with all of your family and friends. I won't see your parents ever again. That's the hard thing. It's the equivalent of me dying. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like that it's more, I guess every time I've ever broken up with somebody, my friends are excited, not because they didn't like that person, but they're like excited that I'm going to be single and going out with them

again. Right. Yeah. Yeah. They're all like, or they're trying to like, you know, be positive for you.

Breaking up is always a positive thing. You know, it was a weird feeling. I bet, uh, one of your ex-girlfriend meeting another one of your ex-girlfriend's parents. Oh yeah.

So think about like one of your girlfriends meeting afriend's parents. Oh, yeah. So think about one of your girlfriends meeting a girlfriend's parents. It's like two things that you're very familiar with, but have never been in the same room or know about their existence. Yeah, that's really strange. It's kind of crazy. It's like a light form of the bar mitzvah, where your seventh grade friends hang out with your sixth grade friends, and then they're not necessarily friends.

Yeah. Or even your parents meeting somebody else's parents yeah oh the parents i don't think our parents have ever met have they oh that's interesting like i'm so familiar with your parents and you're so familiar with my parents yeah but our parents have never met each other with mine but like can you imagine my mom talking to your dad no that's cool I feel like they'd get along. Yeah, they'd get along. Wait a minute.

That's actually a really good power couple. Your mom, your dad, my mom? Yeah. I've been saying my dad doesn't deserve my mother for years and years and years. Actually, my dad deserves your mother. That's the craziest. I really think a wife swap would benefit every single person yeah my mom's out of my dad's league but she is not out of your dad's league i had a friend whose dad or a friend's

mom start dating another friend's dad and then they ended up getting married a friend's mom oh that's i yeah i know i know people like that. And then like two friends become step siblings. Yeah, yeah, exactly right. I want that. I would love it. What if me and you were stepbrothers? Just like that movie, Me, You and Irene. What? All right, so the advice to this girl is don't worry.

You'll find someone better. If you find someone who does shitty little things to you a lot, it's not good. And get over having your boyfriend be with somebody else. Like him being with someone else is him being far away from you. And that's good because you need him to be far away from you so you can move on. It's sort of a classic first breakup email. You don't really understand what breakups are when you've only had one. But this is you finding out.

And then when you find out the next time and the next time and the next time, and then you're like, Jesus Christ, I can't keep anyone. What is it me? Is it me? And obviously, after five or six times, it probably is you. All right, let's go to the next question. That was eye-opening. That was just me staring into a mirror.

It's fucking you. It's me. Or you, I mean. Us. All right. Oh, this is kind of a very different question uh we need a dude's name uh kenan thompson very good he's been in was he in all that for like how long five years yeah he was in all that for a long time then he was in he's still on snl and he was in like his

entire life is sketch comedy it's pretty cool no wonder he's so fucking comfortable in front of the camera we should have him on the show it's not a bad idea streeter if you're listening can you ask keenan for us please all right keenan thompson writes so me and four-fifths of my best friends have been in a friendship group for as long as I can remember. The problem is, it's become a bit of a habit for us all to exchange a hug when we first meet, and then part away. Although I love them all very dearly, I don't know if I'm comfortable hugging all the time, as I think a quick handlock is cooler and less effort.

I've tried extending the arm out early to show them that I'd prefer a handshake, but pushing it out of the way and going for the grand embrace appears to be a greater sign of friendship to them, making me look like a real dweeb and unfriendly. Is it weird for me to bring this up? Should I just learn how to hug my friends and everyone I meet? How often do you guys hug each other and other close friends of yours? Thanks.

Love, Kenan. Hmm. How often do you hug me not enough what are your thoughts on hugging in general uh i like to hug yeah it's i'm pro i don't think i think overthink it either way though like sometimes it's nice to hug and sometimes it's really nice to to uh do like a firm handshake as well. You know what I like? And this is what you should really do, I think. You make sort of a secret handshake.

Oh. You know how sometimes you do the forearm grab? Oh, yeah, you touch forearms, forearm grab. Yeah, so like I'll, instead of shaking your hands, I would like shake Amir's forearm and then you in turn shake my i think like they needed like 300 or something yeah that movie owned that was fucking sick do you remember their brotherhood's pretty friggin tight for a fictional one uh so yeah maybe that's what i would do secret handshake is a good is a good solution what he should not do is say that he doesn't like hugging because i feel like that would result in a lot of

hugging yeah yeah once you're outed as the guy that doesn't like hugging they're just gonna hug the shit out of you oh yeah yeah they're gonna have like erases to see who can hug you the longest the strongest and don't even tell one of them because then they'll tell the other one then they'll start fucking with you he's worried that how much are they hugging this group of like five dudes how much of your friends would have to how much of would all your friends be into hugging for you to bring it up be like this is getting really weird yeah i feel like he just he's just so vehemently against hugging yeah he thinks a handshake is cooler and what does he say? Let me read that line again. I thought it was very funny.

I think a quick handlock is cooler and less effort. Yeah, I think that's what you don't like is all the effort. You should write your friends a letter and say that. Hey guys, notice we've been hugging more and more. But I do think a quick handlock is cooler, less effort. I think ideally we should put in the least amount of effort possible towards our greetings and what's it called when you leave someone? The opposite of a greeting. Greetings and goings. So, yes, don't bring it up.

Do not bring it up. Is it weird of me to bring it up, you ask? Yes. Should I learn how to hug my friends and everyone I meet? Yeah, I would say so. Do you guys hug each other and other close friends i would say i hug my friends that i haven't seen for a while every time i see them yeah like if jesse came over right now i would probably you would hug him and i think i think so i think i would like to think we would hug him and then we would hug each other in front of him.

My whole family, before we leave a room, say, I love you. Yeah. So I feel like everybody just has different- Ways of saying it. Different levels of comfort with intimacy. That is a thing, the love you. My family has never said love you. Yeah, and I say i love you to my mom

maybe like eight or eight or nine times before we get off the phone all right uh so i don't know i i think you could probably you could probably just get over it and do like a light hug yeah i'll say get over it and jake says secret handshake i think those are two very viable options if you don't want to get over you don't have to do full embrace like if they hug you you just put one arm up and pat them on the back oh that's nice like you just aren't as quite as huggable you're talking to me or him yeah you're very hung uh all right let's go on to question the third. Okay. This one's a good one. Girl. Amanda Bynes, herself. Amanda Bynes writes,

Hey guys, I've been seeing this guy for a while now. He's really cute, funny, and has lots of the same interests as me. Lately, things have been getting pretty steamy, and one night in my apartment, he told me that he has a foot fetish, and he asked if he would be down to try it out in bed i said yes of course i've never been with a guy with a fetish before and thought it would be a cool experience little did i know i have super ticklish feet anytime he tried to touch my feet or do anything i started to laugh until there were tears coming out of my eyes and i kicked my legs spastically we tried this on several different occasions and uh i just couldn't not laugh no matter how hard i tried a few nights ago we were

in the bedroom and he went straight for the feet i went into my routine of biting my lips super hard trying not to focus on how ticklish my feet were but i couldn't help it i let out a huge laugh before i knew it he grabbed my foot super hard y yanked it, and went, What the fuck is your problem? I got really scared, and it hurt pretty bad, so I just got up and left. He's been texting me apologizing for the last few days, saying we don't have to do feet stuff anymore, but I'm so freaked out. Is this my fault? Should I go back to him or just leave him forever and try to forget how mortifying that was?

Thanks. Leave him forever. Absolutely leave him. For for sure oh my god i just physically hurt you i think he has to go to jail for that we're not even talking about leaving him we're talking about coming back to him with the police officer of course you do not go and give him another chance anybody who has that in him is kind of scary yeah like you now you know if he ever gets mad or like to a breaking point he can physically snap he's emotionally uh able to just pop and this is pretty early on in the relationship where he's getting this heated over a fetish and you're giggling. Yeah. So imagine like things going,

uh, going a ride down the road, like all the things that happen if you aren't going to stay with somebody. Yeah. When something isn't like a cute scene out of a romantic comedy, right? You giggling while he tickles your feet, just grabbing your ankle saying what the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah. Anytime, like anybody that is, that ankle, saying, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. Anytime, like, anybody that can inflict pain on you. Yeah. And doesn't quite. It seems like he went crazy for a second. Like, he lost control of his own body. Well, I mean, I can understand snapping and getting and yelling, but yanking her foot?

You're never allowed to do that. You can't do that. Of course not. So what should she say? What's a nice way of letting them down? What you did scared me, and I don't think I could ever be fully comfortable with you again. I don't know enough about domestic abuse to give real advice on how to get out of that situation but i i think my gut is like i wouldn't blame you leaving on that one situation because then i think that gives him too much power to apologize and say how it will never happen again you almost have to

say like i'm not interested in a relationship, not because of that, but just... In general. In general, because that way, like, how do you... If somebody says, hey, I don't want to be with you because you yelled at me that one time, then you would say, I'll never yell at you again. I'm so sorry.

Problem solved. And then you're like, okay, well, I guess that's the only thing, so I'll give you another chance. But if I'm like, I don't want to be with you because I don't feel like being with you. Well, it's not because of that one moment. It was because it's more so I don't want to be with you because now I know you're capable of grabbing me and yelling at me.

Right, but I just wouldn't give him any kernel that he can latch onto and apologize for. I would just say, I don't want to be with you. And that's it. And that's all she has to say. She doesn't have to say why. She doesn't owe him an explanation. Of course not.

I mean, it's great. It's more than he deserves that she's even answering his texts. Right. You were very thoughtful to have placated him enough to have him rub, kiss, do whatever to your feet. I think just let him know that it's not going to happen under no ambiguous circumstances. You just say, this is not going to happen.

You can stop trying. And you don't have to tell him why. You don't have to. Honestly, if you want to, write in, text Jake, give me his address. I'll beat the shit out of him. Oh my God. I'm serious.

I really will hurt him i'll go there with my brother and put a frightening just you doing nothing micah's doing everything me and my brother will go down there get him dude hey dude me and my brother are here micah you get him yeah micah grab his feet grab his feet and pull his legs apart good job micah i just i don't want to get too close he looks kind of riled up and strong i'm kind of sick right now so i'm not interested in sort of a little ill otherwise i'd be getting in there with him micah uh specific questions were is this my fault no should i go back to him or just leave him forever leave him forever leave

him forever that's an easy one that's it that was the that was the full extent of the question uh because it seems like for her it might be like a harmless thing like oh i was giggling and then he got kind of mad but it's scary that he snapped yeah and then he grabbed your foot really hard right he inflicted physical harm upon you. During a sexual thing, which kind of makes it even creepier. Yeah, never again. Let's say a one-strike-and-you're-out policy to this dude.

It's fair? Sure. All right, let's stop for a small commercial break. Is that what we call them here? I guess. Let's stop for a second to thank another sponsor or two, and then we'll be back on the other side of that message. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

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Yeah, you do. What the... Love that. What? Budweiser. They really were Bud. They were Buds. Hey, Budweiser.

Remember the Budweiser frogs? Budweiser. Yeah. What else should we talk about what other commercials were good uh super bowl is coming up yeah six days away from when people are listening you think in the world on monday people are still talking about deflate gate i think now that people are listening there's there was there was a reasonable logical explanation. Oh, as to why 11 of the 12 balls were deflated and none of the other balls were. Yeah.

I like your theory of a rogue ball boy. Just like figuring he'd help out TB in the clutch. Yeah. Like, Tom, you feel that? A little deflated, right? That was me. Shh. I can't know about that.

Do you have an opinion on that? Or are you just sick of hearing about it? My only real... It sounds shady. I guess like... We're talking about how 11 of the 12 balls the Patriots used were deflated to an illegal capacity so that Tom Brady can throw them easier.

And then the coach and Tom Brady said, we all don't know why that happened. The more I hear about it, the more I feel like, I mean, to me, Bill Belichick kind of checks out. Like, I don't picture him, like, handling the game balls. Right. He said he has no idea. Tom Brady, though, who literally chooses them. His story is a little thinner. Because one thing he said was that I inspect the balls.

By my specification, the balls are perfect, and I choose the balls, and that's how I expect them to be out on the field. That's what he said. And then 11 of the 12 balls were underinflated. So the one takeaway from Brady's press conference was that he's in charge of the balls. And the balls were bad. And then the upshot of all of it was that the balls were underinflated. So I feel like if you remove the one thing he said, which was, I don't know how or why,

but you do have the facts. I choose the balls, and these balls were under inflated so i feel like he had something to do with it but the second half they still outscored the cults it's true 28 whatever 28 to 0 versus 17 to 0 77 77 in the first half so while he did some shady stuff, he still... He still would have won anyway. Yeah. It is a weird controversy. You never hear about ball deflating in any other sport,

or in football, really. This is the first of its kind. So we'll see what happens. Stay tuned here in case you don't follow any news sources. We're going to be following Deflategate. This is a section of our podcast for nobody. Because if they like sports, then we're not smart enough to be talking about it. And if they don't like sports...

This means nothing. But I will say that I think I will formally choose the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. Oh, because of this? I want them to win. You want them to overcome deflategate adversity. I really do. All right, then I'll choose the Seattle Seahawks. All right, same stakes?

Goalboard stakes? We'll talk about the stakes and we'll get back to people. I think there'll be another episode before the Super Bowl. All right. Yeah, that's it. These shows that we keep promoting are over by the time this releases. So hopefully we had fun in Austin and Houston. Do you have anything to say? Do you want to get to the last question let's just get to the last question before i die before he takes me home uh oh this is good uh another girl

do you do you even know another girl in all that i can picture them but i can't remember their face just it's okay you can describe their picture it was the girl with the lemonade stand yeah the girl with the lemonade stand writes so this guy and i have been banging for a couple months now on and off it started out as a drunken hookup but now we're starting to have less drunk sex and it just keeps getting better and better the only thing is that this guy is pretty inexperienced. He's never had a girlfriend or even hooked up with anyone sober, I don't think. And so although he's getting better, he's still not as great as I think it should be.

We're both in our early 20s, and I've had a few relationships now, so unfortunately I know what I'm missing out on. Like, isn't it just basic to go down on a girl? He says he's never done it. He did it one time on me and I thought, how bad can it be? It was so bad. It was like he was choking down there. I mean, other things have been bomb, but then he says things after about how he fucked me so good, but it's really only mediocre to me. Help, this guy's sweet and I can tell he really likes me, but I don't know how to get him to be more sexually educated and experienced. Should I just guide him gently? Should I tell him to talk to other guy friends about it?

How do I train this dude to reach his full sexual potential? Thanks. Love, girl with a lemonade stand. I love that this dude is like, I fucked you so good. And then she's like, yeah, that was, I don't know, a five out of ten, I guess. It was so fucking ridiculous for us. I think we both had an amazing night. We both orgasmed a lot.

That was the best part. That was the best sex you ever had. She don't want no mediocre. She don't want no mediocre she don't want no mediocre only bad mamacitas are you pro or against are you pro or con um a girl uh explaining how to have sex with her better better dude yeah right i'm a goddamn casanova that being said i do not respond well to constructive criticism i will blubber cry curse and say what the fuck is wrong with you yeah you'll get defensive angry scared jealous mad who else fucks you good if you know how to do it, why don't you ask him, the guy that taught you that you like that? No, I think that's great.

I respond positively to, not that I get a lot of hair, you know what I'm saying, ladies. Not that I get a lot of feedback in that regard. Your nose is so red. There are white growths in the back of your throat uh yeah i think there's just a right way and a wrong way so what's the right nice way to just have open discussion and be like hey uh i've even like what she said in our in that email like some stuff is bomb. Like, hey, I like having sex with you. A lot of times it's really awesome. But I want you to go down on me more or whatever.

And I think you can say that stuff in the moment faster, harder, deeper. So wait until it's happening and then guide him like a coach on the sidelines. Unless it's really bad and then she's got to straight up be like, I mean, he knows he's inexperienced. He knows that he went down on somebody for the first time with you.

So give him some feedback. Give him some real feedback. It might be a tough conversation to have. And he might be a little defensive at first. But I think ultimately it's going to lead to better sex for both of you. Yeah, it seems like the advice here is the same when you give constructive criticism to anything. Like if you're reading someone's script, you don't be, you're not like,

so this is what was wrong with it. You're like, oh, this was great. I really love this and this and this in order to, but can I suggest to do this, this, this to make it even better? Exactly. Similar with notes, like sometimes you have specific notes

and then sometimes you have general ones. Like this character like is really funny. Like I like when you do this, but like I want you to explore it more. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, it's like this is a good rough draft, but like I really think that when you get to like the polished final version, you should make this, this, and this happen. Give him some creative control.

Say like, I like when you tease me, but you don't necessarily say how to tease you. You know, like let him interpret some of these notes. Yeah. I'm getting aroused just thinking about this. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. I'm under the covers here. Just squeezing it.

Actually, I'm peeing. Are you? I'm completely incontinent. Speaking of continents. Now, I don't even want to get into this because i don't remember what the fuck the deal was uh completely incontinent do you still masturbate when you're sick there does it actually does it take a dive yeah i haven't masturbated since i've been sick so you just sort of let your body focus on getting healthier yeah I have this weird theory that my semen inside me is helping

me heal. It's just like my masculine man juice that's rebuilding. And since it's not being expelled out into the world, they're like, all right, well, what else can we do with this body? Let's rebuild him. Let's use the sperm. We can make can make him stronger yeah as if we have the technology the sperms are like little soldiers sort of fighting you think sperms are like white blood cells that are fighting the disease i just feel like i want to have all the all the positive stuff in my body juice is flowing yeah so i so uh i want i want the sperm in me yeah it's like when you're driving that driving past something that smells, you change the air conditioning to like the cycle within the car.

You don't want any of the outside forces getting in. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. This is you explaining to a girl how to go down on you. It rarely happens the other way around. Like a guy has to explain to a girl. Because with a guy, it's kind of idiot-proof. Yeah, that's true.

You have the stick, and then if you're just good to the stick, you'll ejaculate. Yes. And with a girl, it's like we have a very somewhat complicated machine. Right. And it's a little bit different for every girl.

Right. They've got different parts for everything. Everybody is very unique, but with guys, we're a lot less unique. Just rub this for long enough and it will come. Even if it's bad, we appreciate it so much. I wouldn't say... It's not so black and white.

There are some times where... Oh, my God. What's happening? I lost my train of thought. where, uh, where, uh, Oh my God. What's happening? I lost my train of thought. You just fainted. I just think that like, I cut it out,

but you were out for 45 minutes. There's, there's like a room on either side. Yeah. There's, there's like for growth. Right. But I think like bad for girl is actually bad

and bad for guys is still pretty great. Right. Like even a bad blowjay, if we're talking about oral sex. Yeah, that's true. It's still pretty good. Whereas bad going down on a girl can be actually bad. Yeah.

And this is a good test for the guy. I will say this, that like if he takes it well, then like you know that he's kind of a good guy. But if he gets like defensive and angry and weirded out weirded out and jealous then that's kind of a red flag right that's true i would go into it with a pure heart knowing that he he try to think of like this from his from his angle because he's going to be floored uh like he he thinks he fucks you great that's what he says so it might be a minute a small shot a small moment where he's shocked and his ego is bruised yeah so just be patient and

uh let him work through it but let know that it comes from a place of ignorance he just hasn't hooked up with a lot of girls so it's kind of fun you're sort of you're shaping this guy and i think both of you guys have the same goals and desires, which is to have great sex. Which is to orgasm. Yeah. So like, you guys are on the same team working towards the same goal. It just might catch him by surprise that it's not as great as he thinks it is. But that's not to say that like, it'll never be good.

Yeah. It can definitely be good. This is another question that I want to follow up Pup on. I want to see how it went and how he's doing very much so perhaps a report card uh that way we can keep an eye on his progress too you know if if she's grading him on some sort of sliding scale we can actually see and chart his growth yeah i'd like to chart his exactly what was bad about him going down on her. Yeah. Just in case I might accidentally be doing that. Like he was choking down there. Like,

oh, oh, fuck, oh, shit. He was nose deep in it. Oh God. I'm going to ask your mom to turn down the podcast.

Your mom's in California. We want her back on the show, right? Yeah. We're going to, we're going to get her. Yeah. I hope so.

Do you have contacts with her? Maybe we can ask her through one of your sisters. Yeah. All that's it that's our time thanks for listening if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions your own thumbnail submissions uh please send them all to if i were you show at gmail.com the opening theme song was written by alex mcguire and this closing one was written by ang. So thanks, Alex. Thanks, Angie. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon.

Gosh, what's left to say? Ta-ra. Bye. Take a look at the mirror that I have. This podcast, don't leave yet. It's pretty damn fun They can't answer your advice, so it's not gonna be nice Tell you what to do if you're stuck in a wreck

Yeah, make a joke about you Because, well, that's just what they do They'll tell you, kill yourself in a Starbucks, maybe Or just see the cheese That cheese has been waiting for you And it needs species now. So welcome to the podcast show. Hey, everybody.

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