Segments - 131: #GreenlightJakeAndAmir

Episode Date: January 29, 2015

In this episode we discuss our future, our past, and our present. Also, asexuality. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com, BlueApron.com, and Audible.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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It's a great looking website. Each one unique. But those are taken. How about some new ones? Can I recommend fatglue.com? F-A-T-G-L-U-E. That's right. It's two easy to spell, easy to pronounce words.

Seven letter, single syllable domain name. Fatglue. Fatglue.com. What is it for? for i don't know but it's visual it's interesting it's fun to say overweight glue yeah yeah a large glob of sticky glue yeah and then the the uh the the logo is written in like that elmer's glue yeah so it's kind of like a cool like record store actually yeah fat glue so buy fat glue.com while it's still out there what was your suggestion i actually have once again two suggestions okay doubling up this one's not necessarily not necessarily good but i will say it's pretty effective bossy cucumber huh bossy cucumber you ever had a

cucumber that was just too bossy no well this was the perfect amount and then what's your other one uh sassy grape i see so you're in that you're in an adjective i get in a zone when i'm searching yeah a lot of a lot of uh you're you're humanizing fruits and vegetables great but a bossy cucumber uh walk into a bar so if you're interested in buying uh those two domain names or really any domain name uh or you're to build a website and you don't know how, squarespace.com and go to squarespace.com and use our coupon code IFIWEREYOU and you get an extra 10% off your purchase. That's right. You can support the show if you go to squarespace.com slash IFIWEREYOU and use the promo code IFIWEREYOU.

Just do it. Isn't that fun and easy? All right, let's get started. This was literally a different, unique, real episode. It's true. We talk about the end, the death of our web series. And it is a death. It is very much so.

Do not celebrate the life of the series. Nor have I. Born a death. It is very much so. Do not celebrate the life of the series. Nor have I. Mourn the death. We'll get into it after the theme song. Enjoy. If I were you, I'd turn the volume up right now for this hashtag dopey that's spilling out for your goddamn problems, your goddamn come-aparts.

Forget Mozart, this shit's the real art. This is that good shit. Listen quick, grab a hit, puff up this advice. She's the cheese real quick. that good shit listen quick grab a hit puff up this advice she's the cheese real quick monday blast dude i'll be straight clam dipping it jake and you two better kill it Yeah. All right. I'm ready to box you. What? I think I'm going to box you. You're scratching me.

This isn't boxing. Is it called boxing if I hit you? Like, did I just box you? Or is boxing just like the art of fighting it? I think boxing is like the type of fighting. So I can't like box you? No, that would just be punching me but can i say that can i box you i guess it's like a good way to start a fight yeah but i think if you did that then we started punching each other it would quickly devolve into us like right because

wrestling can i say that i boxed somebody sure i never just know that you never actually will i just wanted the closest i've gotten to fighting is figuring out if saying boxed is grammatically correct yeah that's as good as i get uh that was jonathan gould uh and he said we've used this song three times before all right not that specific song bragging much dude we should call you the bragging dragon cause you spit fire and self aggrandizing the bragging dragon you go

I should call you Brandon I'm branding you as a bragging dragon yo it's like a marketing ploy not from a guy from a guy who's Jewish kind of newish to this whole scene you know what I mean oh no

oh no indeed drop the mic drop the mic and never pick it up again it's really expensive lay down the mic and it's broken so yeah thanks Jonathan Gould

and you just proved how hard rapping actually is so the fact that he did it was very good i only spent an hour writing that shit though what if he'd spent more money more time than that what if i'd spend more time you did spend more time than that i saw you scribbling not good enough scribble it out it's hard the hardest part about freestyling is not just starting to rap a real song oh really yeah because my my train of thought just goes onto a path and then it just wants to take off from there interesting my train of i the hardest part for me freestyling is not to turn it into something really really dirty oh yeah you want to say dick

yeah as soon as i start rhyming it's like i need to find something that rhymes with dick yeah like i i can't ever start a freestyle it's not about me being blown which is probably the problem with most rap today damn man yeah i keep on writing but just keep talking about the same three things blowjobs money and pussy and honestly blowjobs and pussy is borderline the same thing yeah and i really only want money to have pussy all my raps are just me bragging i can't stop um what's new with you uh not too much what's gucci uh we said yesterday we put out that video that said we're no longer making videos for CollegeHumor anymore. Oh, yeah.

That was a big freaking deal. I can't believe we just did that on a whim. I was high when I made that video. I told nobody at CollegeHumor about it. We were just like, I'm done for the day and forever. We tossed up a doofy little video that was sentimental and shit and now we don't have a web series anymore thanks to audrey scott for making the song for that yeah 6c yeah present created a bittersweet symphony for us oh shit there you go that was that was off the cuff yeah

see again arriving off the cuff just not good at like presenting it in a cool rap way yeah can i still have money this is me talking to an executive producer though we get paid yeah don't worry well after these videos we're actually going to be sort of unemployed oh yeah oh no you didn't know about that i thought we'd still get our paychecks oh no yeah i just this is why you were so gung-ho yeah i thought it would be chill to I thought we'd still get our paychecks. Oh, no. Yeah, I just didn't want to do the videos. This is why you were so gung-ho. Yeah, I thought it would be chill to have health insurance and not have to make any videos.

Right, and I told you, I explained to you in detail that you'd have to... So we don't even get money. At least we... Do we have health insurance and benefits? Yeah, it's all going to go away. All right, gosh. All I'll have is the bi-weekly input my 401k oh no no no what do you mean no i wish we had sat down and had this conversation

before i still need i still need contributions i still want you to match i still want iac to match my contributions. Yeah, it's all going to go away. Wow. So why did we do it if we're not going to get money anymore? Are we going to talk? I thought we were going to save this for the break. Oh, no. We got it.

I'm ready. All right. I've been ready. All right. Like my dad used to say, he was coming home to get me. Exactly. Did he show up? He didn't.

He didn't even show up. Yeah, yeah. But was it a valuable lesson, man? Yes, that I had to grow me. Exactly. Did he show up? He didn't. He didn't even show up. Yeah, yeah. But was it a valuable lesson, man? Yes, that I had to grow up. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, first of all, it's very flattering to hear

the outpouring of support. I said it was kind of like being at our own funeral. Yeah. Only we're not dying. We just get to see all this. The best of both worlds. Yeah.

Only our life's work is dying. Yeah. Not us. The comments on YouTube and Twitter. You know what? It's weird because I'll still be able to hang out with you all the time. Oh. So it's weird for me to be like, oh my God, people are so sad.

I'm like, oh. But me and you are still here. I can't empathize with them and we're also going to have this podcast still that's another question oh actually we wanted to make that announcement too the podcast is over so this is the last episode of if i were you unless you physically see us on the street you're actually both going to become carpenters yeah separately too unrelated i'm moving to dover and i'm moving to annapolis the two big cities on the mid-atlantic coast but not close enough but not cigar uh it is

yeah so it's very flattering and uh cool to read all the outpouring of support yes that's true it's been very very nice and then the second biggest question is why we're doing it huh well i'm honestly on the fence still as long as we're talking about it let us release the video dickwad uh no it's mostly about wanting to pursue other stuff yeah by the time these last episodes eight episodes air i don't know if you guys even know if you don't know jake and i have a web series that's ending the it's eight episodes starting on february 17th and then going one a week for eight weeks you guys do we have a web series on college humor it's called jake and amir it's actually pretty funny it's pretty ace it's It's actually really ace. Very ace.

We're gullies in it. And then oh, right, so once it ends it'll have been eight years, which is way longer than we thought it would go on. Yes, when we started it we thought we would run out of episode ideas after like eight episodes.

And we did. And then we regurgitated and regurgitated and regurgitated ever seen a monkey eat its own shit uh so we did that for eight years and you know i had a great time it was fun a great run it was a great run and i don't know if we're ending it too early or too late but i guess i'd rather err on the side of early like i'd rather we're reading people saying oh no i want to keep watching and we'd rather that have the feedback than the tweets of oh this show is still on i stopped watching i think our audience is like yeah i think our audience is as big as it ever was true because we've been making because the audience includes people that watched a long time ago and stopped watching.

Some of our day ones. Yeah. And really, it's just like we got other stuff that we want to do. Yeah. And as fun as it is to make Jake and Amir, it's hard to make Jake and Amir and... Do other stuff. Do other things that we're passionate about, like writing TV and writing movies and uh further developing this podcast which we love or jogging or yeah and we love jogging actually i don't love jogging you love jogging i haven't

jogged in a year but still i'd love to at least try to take it up and i feel like i can now and maybe we can do other internet stuff yeah internet ideas that include me and you that don't necessarily fall under the jake Amir web series. Right. I would, somebody, a couple people have written to me and they're like, I'm going to miss you guys so much. Like, I don't know what I'm going to do without you. And I'm like, well, I don't know how to do anything but make comedy. So I'm going to keep on doing that.

You'll be good. It'll just be not, I mean, the Jake and Am and i love the jake and amir characters too i still see things that i'm like you know i think of so many uh so many ideas in your voice in the amir character's voice every time i do something i'm like what would amir right be doing with this right uh which i don't know i don't know how i'll ever stop i mean i'm sure our sense of humor will be able to be transferred to some new endeavor that will hopefully be as interesting. It's kind of like when Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant didn't stop The Office, but then

they had extras the next time around, where it's like, oh, sort of the same soul, but in a different body. Right. Hopefully people can think of Jake and Amira as our first show. Yeah. And then what's our second one? Our second show will be extras. Okay.

Yeah. I figured they did it. So now it's time for us to reshoot it. Scene for scene, shot for shot. Cool. So we have peaked. Yeah.

No, no, no, we've peaked. And then a lot of people think, or I guess not a lot of people think, but some people have mentioned that they think the web series is ending because we have, we're getting a TV show for sure for sure right so let us clarify here once and for all

that is true announcing oh wouldn't that be nice we the truth is this is going to be the truest most we shouldn't even answer a question this is is just the truest, most real podcast that we can get. Let's ask, me and you will ask each other questions. So we answered the why we're leaving. Yeah. And are we leaving, do we have a TV show, TBS? Maybe. So we still don't know.

The answer is no. Will it grow? Yeah. We sort of haven't addressed the questions that we've gotten so far about that because we don't know. So it's hard to say, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. But we still don't know. Yeah. So what happened was TBS asked us to write a pilot.

Which we did. For Jake and Amir, which we did. So the characters of Jake and Amir aren't necessarily dead after this web series, after the finale of our web series. It's not like we will never, ever revive them. Because potentially, potentially, One more time. Potentially, TBS will say they want us to shoot our pilot.

Right. Or potentially, they'll say no. Yeah. It's like you ever go out on a date with a girl and it goes really, really well. And then you say, cool, we should go out again. And then she doesn't answer you for a year. Yeah. So it's like that.

And we're thinking this girl might text us and say, hey, you know your second date idea? Let's get married. Holy shit. She could say, hey, you know your second date idea that you's get married. Holy shit. Or she could say, hey, you know your second date idea that you proposed a year ago? Yeah. No. Yeah.

So we'll see. How can we force, what we need to do is like, what's the equivalent of standing on their front lawn with a boom box? Oh. We should just find out where the TVS headquarters is and stand outside with a boom box oh we should just find out where the tbs headquarters is and stand outside with a boom box if you just if someone could photoshop a second john cusack and say anything

and then photoshop me my face on one and amir's face on the other and the boom box is playing green light jake and amir hashtag green light jakeamir.com. Then I think we have a chance. We are. I feel like we're at the very least one Twitter campaign away. Yeah. Yeah. Like if we get everybody who's tweeted at us their support for the show ending, if we turn that Twitter energy into a campaign.

Instead of support, just annoy TBS. Not annoy. I didn't say annoy. I said bomb threats. No, support, just annoy TBS. Not annoy. I didn't say annoy. I said bomb threats. No, I didn't say that either. I was just like, if people tweet, like, for example, does TBS have a Twitter handle? That's step one.

And no. Okay, moving on. First question. That was DOA. That sucked sucks. Okay okay they do boom at tbs very funny oh okay so this is yeah here it is so we're still alive so if people can just tweet this is the campaign hey at tbs very funny right don't don't do this at TBS, very funny. We've got to go out to your actual followers. Yeah, dot at TBS, very funny.

So, hey, at TBS, very funny. Yeah. Make the show. Hashtag. We like Jake and Amir. Make their show. Yeah. Hashtag green light Jake and Amir.

Okay. Hashtag. That's a goodir. Okay. Hashtag, that's a good hashtag. Okay, so hey, at TBS, very funny. This is going to happen. People are going to get into this. After all this time, after years of emotional anguish and turmoil, wondering whether or not TBS is going to like our show.

At the very least. If it got picked, actually, I if if our fans move the needle that would maybe be the most beautiful and perfect thing in either direction yeah like even if this ruins it at least our fans caused it yeah and that's all that i ever cared about we just want an answer support okay so here it is if you have a twitter account if you don't make one we're going all in on this one i why not hey at tbs very funny that's their name uh hashtag their own spins on it by the way yeah this is tbs doesn't think it's just a bot saying the exact same thing okay but this is the necessary steps. Hey, at TBSVeryFunny, hashtag, what'd you say? Greenlight Jake and Amir.

All one word. All one word, all one hashtag. Right, and then because or else I'll some sort of reason give it. Right, so how many characters? We're already at 184. And to be clear, I do really, really want the john cusack photoshop maybe i'll do it myself if you can photoshop something that would be even better but that's that that seems like it would at the very least get uh social media managers attention yeah i mean if if dozens

and dozens or a hundred people did it yeah because maybe they don't know that we have fans. And our fans, what better way to prove to them that we have fans by our fans? Devoted, yeah. So if you guys want to, I imagine this is a car on a cliff. If you guys either want to all push together and shove it off the cliff or pull it back together, back onto the land, whichever you consider the success. It sounds like if we're in the car, we want it to be pulled.

Shove it off. Okay. Selma Louise style. Hey, here it is. Hey, at TV has very funny. Hashtag green light Jake Namir. And then your own spin on it. Yeah.

That'd be nice. I'll search that hashtag tomorrow. We're recording this on a Wednesday. It comes out on a Thursday. We gave you the bonus Thursday episode. The least you guys can do is give us a tv show you owe us a tv show honestly we made jake and amir little web videos for eight freaking years hey now you're getting y'all didn't get us a show yet this is on you obviously we're funny enough hasn't what i mean theoretically, our fan...

Like, somebody who started watching Jake and Amir in high school or college, which is when we started making it when I was 21. Yeah. Somebody could be, like, a 29-year-old executive right now. Oh, so you're saying a high school fan has turned into an executive. I don't understand why none of our high school friends have become the guy that runs TBS. Why aren't any of our high school fans Kevin Reilly? They really should be.

They really should be Kevin Reilly by this point. At the very least, the senior vice president. Why not? All right, cool. This is good. This is a positive diversion. And yeah, we'll read the tweets, respond to people, maybe retweet a couple.

I don't know. How do we incentivize it other than our gratitude? We'll throw some RTs, some personal thank yous. I'll freaking follow. I'll follow a couple people. Wow. Every 10 to 15 people, I'll throw them a follow. Wow, wow, wow, wow.

How'd you like me? Me to follow you on Twitter. twitter you loser you do have a popular twitter account but still uh all right what else anything else or should we start answering questions um are you nervous about leaving college humor forever really, I don't even know. Like I know the right answer. Here's the right answer that is the interview, right? Yeah. Yeah, I'm nervous.

College humor has been so good to us for so long and we shaped our sensibilities there. That's where we met. But at the same time, I'm so excited. I'm thrilled to see what's next. I think that's how I really feel. But also, I'm so thoughtless and dumb. Like right now, I'm thinking about like what's for lunch.

Should we go rock climbing later? Yeah, yeah. You want to just sort of live it. Thinking about girls. I'm usually just thinking about girls and milkshakes. I'm sort of, yeah. I don't know. I'm a moron like i don't know the

repercussions of ending our web series yeah like it's it's cool to be like you know what we had a good run eight years of episodes let's wrap it up on our own terms and end it on a high note and then like the logistics of it is like you on a health care website trying to navigate what it's like to pay for your own health and yeah i was sick and i actually had to go to the doctor yesterday i was like oh fuck i need to get i need to go to the doctor before i don't have health insurance right can we release these episodes one every other week i think i have appendicitis i like i like being insured i want i want a doctor in addition to iac gives us gives us good health care, too. You know, I didn't even have a copay yesterday. I straight up went to a doctor for free.

I mean, holy shit. Sure, I have to pay a significant chunk of money every two weeks, but that doesn't seem like money. I don't understand how anything works. So I really am, I guess I'm not nervous, but I also recognize that I'm pretty dumb. Yeah. But we're going to be together. That's comforting. Yeah.

That we're in the same boat. I think if I was doing this alone, that would be a lot scarier. Scarier. We also still have the podcast, so that feels like a life raft of sorts. Definitely. At the very least, we can try to be funny once to twice a week and put it online. Yeah. But I think less than being excited and thrilled at the prospect of doing

it ourselves, which I'm just mostly curious. I wonder what's going to happen. And even though I'm going to be an integral part of whatever's going to happen, because it's going to need to be me doing it, I'm still even curious

about what I'm going to do. Yeah, you're standing on the sidelines being like, I wonder what's going to happen with that guy. And then you're like, oh wait, I am that I'm going to do. Yeah. You're like, you're standing on the sidelines. We're like, I wonder what's going to happen with that guy. And then you're like, oh wait, I am that guy. Yeah. It's happening. Well, hopefully if, if I feel like if, uh, we get, we've, we get this trending topic thing happening, we won't even have to worry about it.

We'll just be working on this goddamn TV show. In an ideal world, we won't ever have to think about what our next project will be because Jake and Amir will just get bigger without us realizing it. Yeah. We'll get to keep on working on it. Yeah, that would be a good thing on like the DVD is like at the end be like, oh, thanks. Hashtag Greenlight Jake and Amir project. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Like for you guys, like pushing us through. That's true. You know what else would be funny is TBS told us no today. And then this giant campaign starts tomorrow. Yeah, God, we should really get the word out there before they officially say no, which can happen literally any day.

They can say no at any time. They could have already said no, we just don't know yet. Yeah. Because our phones are off while we record. That would really be, would we re-record this podcast? No, this campaign would be even fun we re-record this podcast no it'd be this campaign

would be even funnier if they had already said no um anything else should we take a break and come back and answer some people's advice questions we haven't even talked about what this show is yet um yeah do you want to take a break or do you want to we could just talk let's just me and you talk this whole entire episode not nearly a single question ben schwartz style yeah finally are you still sick uh yeah well i'm a lot better than i was it was weird it was like when i was really bad before we left for austin then i was okay a little bit in austin yeah the last two days i got sick again yesterday after austin sick as i've been yet and this has been just seven days yeah it seems like forever so this i finally went to the doctor and i was trying to decide i think in the last 10 years i went to

a doctor uh twice for when i broke my foot a podiatrist or a foot surgeon right and then uh another time when i got my std test sure uh at the free clinic in new york but besides i've never like gone to the doctor for an ailment like an illness an illness so what was it like did it actually help yes well so i waited i went to a walk-in clinic i everybody's like i know it's easy to go to a doctor. And I'm just like, you know, it's actually pretty cool to go to a doctor. I'm just a moron. I didn't even want to go through the process of finding where to go. And I was on Yelp. I was calling all the highly reviewed doctors.

And they're like, oh, we don't take your insurance or we don't take walk-ins. And then I was about to go to this really, really shitty two-star reviewed place in Echo Park and there was literally an ad for another walk-in clinic that was highly reviewed. And I was like, all right, I'm just going to go. Hell, if you can afford an ad, I'll go there. So I went, I waited, I chilled, I read a magazine and then I walked in and I told them my problem, which was that I think I had a sinus infection. Which is that I think I'm dying i was and i need a tv show i told her about this green light jake and amir shit she seemed on board and unimpressed

i'll do it but it won't work is what she said on board and unimpressed uh they did the whole thing listen to my heartbeat shine some shit in my ear i got an ear lavage which is the coolest do you know what that is they flushed so she was like by the way this doctor is like pretty cute so she's like uh feeling my heart i was like okay this is nice i made a joke uh she asked me to take off my i was wearing like a an over shirt in an undershirt she has me to take off the over shirt oh and it was like my body like my tricep was looking good and i was like flexed on the table so i knew it was like this girl's probably thinking like oh as sick as he is he's pretty healthy if you don't mind me saying she looked at my ear and she's like

you actually have a lot of earwax. Have you ever, ever lavaged? Excuse you, I said. And then she was like, there's a lot of pressure in your head. And it's like the earwax isn't what's causing it. But it's compacted and it's not helping the situation. So there might be some minor relief. And I was like, oh, yeah, sure. So an assistant came in and like flushed my ear with warm water and then took metal tongs stuck deep inside my ear and yanked out a piece of earwax the size of a fucking raisin.

It's crazy. That thing was in my ear. Forever. Yeah. And it would have been there forever and like i don't know it was it's it was incredible it's incredible it's an amazing sensation to feel that yanked from your ear and then to look at it on the gurney i want to get something yanked from my ear it's fun it's fun highly recommend actually at one time i bought a syringe they have those syringes at home, and you can do it yourself. Yeah.

I tried to do it in the shower. How did it work? Not as good. It doesn't, well, that doesn't necessarily flush out like a, you need the actual tweezers to get the huge piece of wax. Oh, God. So thick and wet. The flushing will, I guess, help something.

Yeah. If there's like a little piece of debris. Of course. Floating, but. Yeah. It's like a little piece of debris floating. Of course, yeah. You've got to get the lavage. You've got to get the full lavage treatment. So anyway, I looked down at the giant piece of earwax on the table, and I looked at my doctor, and I said,

would you go on a date with me now that I'm wax-free? Hashtag green light this date. I'm borderline on a date with you right now and i pretty much have a tv show if you just look at this twitter campaign which i know kevin riley will i think he runs the tbs social media platform yeah he's the president and also a social media intern who sort of does it all um so and then you did that and you didn't have to pay at all. No, it was covered. There should just be a place, like a haircut place,

or a specialist that just flushes your ear. Like for $20, wouldn't you just go out there to flush your ear? But I don't want them to do anything. I want to go into this place, and instead of getting a haircut, they flush my ears. Yeah, I mean, that's this walk-in clinic. You could have them do that. Oh, no, but I don't want them to do anything else they don't have to do anything else they have like i mean for anybody it's yeah i want a room it's just for you you want there to be an office

somewhere that you get an ear lavage every every year a year lavage, I'll call it. A yearly early lavage. No, I want a place where other people can come in and it's just called like ear flushers. Oh, I see. And then you go in, you flush your ear, you leave. This place is pretty close to a haircut place. Like the same way that a haircut is like, we'll do a shave, we'll do a wash.

This place is like,'ll do a shave we'll do a wash yeah this place is like they do skin tag removal they do yeah uh they do like sinus infection checkups they do a flu shot it's like and each thing is like it's like a maintenance thing yeah and each thing is priced oh it's like a menu yeah so you can literally just be like i want one of these how much is the lavage i'm not sure sans insurance i'm not i can't remember but it was on the list and i wish i could remember it's funny because i did look at that two-star review place on yelp and they also do beard trimming they do beard trimming in a haircut place and surgery lavage yeah beard trimming yeah flu shots and actually surgery yeah they also have roast beef. There's a deli counter.

You take a number and you either get meat or a lavage. That's crazy. Yeah, they'll do faxing and open heart surgery. Yeah, it's a notary public paper shredding place that'll also do wart removal. Crazy. And last but not least, yes, they will do the lavage. They have a lavage stage.

My local lavagerie uh all right let's take a break thank you more sponsors and then we'll be right back thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow.

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That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do hey welcome to the hashtag green light jake namir radio hour wow very cool we're. We're taking support from you, our listeners, accepting donations.

In the form of a twite, a tweet, a Twitter. Another thing we should talk about, our Super Bowl bet. Oh, and also, right, well, I have a thing to talk about too. Okay, what do you want to talk about first? Should we do a telethon for Jake and Amir? I really think we should try to do a telethon.

The Twitter thing is pretty cool, but a telethon is a decent idea too. Well, telethon is great. You're trying to raise money? Yeah. For what? Just for you. I guess TBS is supposed to pass. No, I really just want cash.

I just like the idea of taking over uh public public public access tv i just really like the idea of taking over public access tv for like an hour for an evening and dressing in a tuxedo well if this twitter thing works we'll announce it with a telethon promise or what about that brings us back to the super bowl bet what if those are the stakes of the bet like the winner gets to i don't know if it's so expensive to get a half hour of public access TV or is a billboard funnier? I think, I don't know.

Okay. Winner's choice, either a billboard of the loser, whatever he wants, or a half hour of public access television where you can say whatever you want about the loser. You have to look that, look into that.

Yeah. Basically a public shaming display. Um, I wonder, can we do like, i know we have access to the la billboards yeah but i wonder if we could just do like an enormous billboard in wyoming somewhere like one in the middle of nowhere and then we could like i don't know ask the person who puts it up to take a picture yeah but it's more fun when it's in our backyard i guess that's's true. Like I'd hate for mine to be around the corner from our house. And then if you lose, I get to put a billboard of you in Cheyenne, Wyoming, where nobody sees it. Yeah, I guess it's still funny. Cool location.

Great location. I mean, maybe you could get a bunch of billboards all across Wyoming. Well, just to make sure, just so we're all on the same page, you have the Patriots. Yes. To win. I choose the Patriots to win. And I have the Seahawks just to win. Yep.

No spread. No spread. Because that's what the Super Bowl is right now. I kind of think it should just be a billboard, because then it's like our annual billboard bet. Oh, that's good. It's a fun little thing. The Super Bowl billboard bet. Yeah.

The Super Bowl billboard bet. And could you top a tinder ad yeah i hope so it would be sad if uh i picked against the seahawks and got burned last year and then i picked the seahawks this time and then i just got burned again yeah i just the real question is how many how many of those balls are going to be deflated i really think br's going to chuck a deflated football. Yeah, yeah. Yuck it up, dude. The balls were underinflated. He still won the second half.

I mean, we're not talking about ISIS here. Nobody died. Okay, Tom. We know this isn't cancer. It's not the Holocaust. It's a football. You're trying to undersell it. not the holocaust it's a it's a football you're trying to you're trying to undersell it yeah you're minimizing it in terms of football it's pretty bad to cheat though

yeah i know but it is just a game it's a sport yes i underplayed the balls you try throwing one i bet you still couldn't throw a tight spiral into the end zone actually give me the ball was a floppy little disc if i deflated it to a frisbee you couldn't throw a tight spiral into the end zone. Actually, give me the ball. The ball was a floppy little disc. If I deflated it to a frisbee, you couldn't throw a touchdown pass to Gronk. He needs it a specific way. Yeah, that's the, like, I don't know. But that's your team. I do, I love, I still love Tom Brady.

Yeah, it's hard to bet against him. But here I am. I think he's the type of athlete that really rises when this would be going on, too. When everybody counted him out this year. That's the fear in me. Bill Simmons calls it F-U mode. You think he's going to go into fuck-you mode. Right.

But the thing that scares me is that that's also what the Seahawks are in after they like, you know, that insane come from behind victory that they had to get here. Theirs is more like a team of destiny thing. Yeah, team of destiny scares me. But then it's like

they're up against the Empire. Right, the evil Empire. Like, oh, the team that deflated the football right the evil empire like the oh the team that deflated the footballs to get here and we're the team that we've earned it like fucking came from what their victory was absolutely insane they recovered an onside kick yeah they were down so rarely let alone in the like the post season they said there was a.9% chance when the Packers had the ball up 12 with four minutes left of them winning. And they lost.

Crazy. I just hope it's a good game. I really hope it's a fair game. And I hope the Patriots win. Because I want another billboard. I need two in a row. Is their billboard still up? I think so.

Just give them another $900 and say, let it run. Keep it up. Run it twice. The other thing I wanted to talk about is that I'm going on vacation and you're going to take over Text Jake. Oh, yeah. Textjake.com. Website that allows Jake Hurwitz to text suggestions for you. You have your expert insight into what you should type to a girl or guy if you are a girl or guy and you get a couple every day you respond to them

all within 24 hours that's correct um but you're going on a mini vacation and you want me to take over yes i'm going to be in mexico mexico so uh and i from what i've heard about the specific area that I'm going, is that there's no Wi-Fi. Very spotty Wi-Fi. Doesn't sound like a good vacation to me. I know. You bought a portable DVD player when we went to London. You didn't explore the city once.

You did our show. I didn't have to. And then you watched every Ocean's movie. Yeah. I had a digital versatile disc, a London's. I had Sherlock Holmes 1 and 2. You also brought your MacBook Pro, which has a CD drive in it. So I tried to tell you that that would act as a DVD player.

But you said, no, I want to bring this portable DVD player. I also took a MiFi hotspot into the Amazonian rainforest one year. Yeah. And I just ended up chatting. I was chatting all day. Yeah, you were on... Oh, fuck, what's that? Yeah, you were on Chatroulette the entire time.

Yeah, I was on Chatroulette in Brazil. So you want me, or you think I have it in me, for the next how many days to respond to these text messages uh i'm oh excuse me sorry that watch does go off every day at this time it's true there was an episode once where we left it in and somebody called me out on it are we gonna leave this in yeah sure why not at least we're addressing it yeah um peeps for a little bit long of a time though so you leave tonight so basically i have control of text jake it's basically text amir for thursday friday saturday sunday yes i'll be back sunday you're handing me the keys to the ferrari yeah

dude don't mess this up come back we have nine lawsuits pending but But you've gotten, you are pretty good at text messaging. I'm your protege. You really are. So you think I have what it takes. I really, I definitely think you have what it takes to take over for four days. Trial run. We'll see how you do. Thank you.

Namaste. And I appreciate it. We're at about the 40 minute mark. What do you want to do? Do you want to answer one question? Do you want to say goodbye forever? Let's answer one question. All right.

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. People email us. They're difficult places, sticky situations, and they're asking for our advice. The email address is ifirewashowatgmail.com. Let's answer one question from one person, one guy. Let's get his name. Kevin.

Kevin Wright. Hey, dudes. Love the show. Hey, dudes. I'm wondering how I can help your TV project get greenlit. I really want to see the show. So bummed that Jake Lemire is leaving College Humor, but I'd love to see it live on in the form of a television TV show

just like you and I and all your fans have always dreamed. If I get a lot of tweets that sort of push me over the edge, I'd be down to greenlight it. Oh, Kevin, we're glad you wrote in. All right. Hey, dudes, love the show and all that stuff. I'm 19 years old, and the past few months, I've been spending a lot of time with this girl.

It started out really innocent, just two friends hanging out, playing video games and chilling. But as we got more comfortable with each other, things got intimate. We could cuddle when watching movies, occasionally spooning. And one night, after a few drinks, there was a kiss. I thought for sure we were heading towards something real, and she seemed to be just as into it as I am. Knowing all this, imagine my surprise when I see a Facebook post from her where she announces that she is asexual. Obviously, I'm all for being who you are, and I would never want her to change, but I do still

have feelings for this girl, and I definitely feel like we had a connection. So I guess my question is, how do I approach this? Do I just quit and try to forget about her do i tell her about my feelings and hope for the best all help would be greatly appreciated thanks love kevin wow she came out of the closet as an asexual that is a tough pill to swallow she stood on a soapbox and proclaimed to her friends that she was disinterested in you. And all parties. Yeah, she came out as someone who was bored of you. Imagine my surprise.

It's so dramatic. Doesn't it sound like that could be a joke? Oh, the asexual? Or imagine my surprise. It's just like saying I'm asexual. It's weird to post on your facebook it's i guess right or do you want everybody there's a chance you misinterpreted it oh so that's one way of thinking about it is a wishful thinking thing where you're like oh she just said that what a

weird way it would be for her to tell this guy to relax oh like she's like i don't want to tell him that i'm either one asexual or two not interested. So I'll just post that I have this condition on Facebook where I can't love or feel romantic or sexually into. I'm not exactly sure what being an asexual is. I searched, and it's like, I guess it is a thing. It's just people with insanely low sex drives. They're just not romantically interested in any of that. Right. So my theory is, one, either she's lying and doesn't want to be with you which

means you shouldn't pursue it or two she actually is asexual whatever that means uh and not into it so you shouldn't pursue it regardless of what it is do you think knowing that should you at least tell her your feelings i guess what do you have to lose right yeah i guess you could say i'm i was sad to hear you're asexual because i liked you but i still celebrate you as a friend and i think you're great and i wish you the best oh that's good so you sort of you open the conversation with the fact that you saw her facebook post right you're like i'm sorry to hear that you're asexual because i am actually a sexual person yes and then you lean in and you kiss her nose. And you say, you felt nothing?

Tell me if you didn't freaking feel a spark. I did feel wet, weird lips on my nose, yes. No spark. You should rub a carpet, wear socks and rub around on a carpet. And then when you go in to kiss her, there's a little spark, a little static electricity. That's harassment.

What? That's harassment. Oh, my God, dude. I was kidding. I was going to make a joke about chemistry, and you're alleging this. You're under arrest. Oh, get the fuck off of me, dude.

Citizens arrest. Oh, my. Get off of me, dude. What are you doing hold still hashtag help i think yeah i would do one thing i would i know what you were saying i'm sorry to hear that you're asexual yeah it sounds like you're saying like i'm sorry that you have that problem but it's not like it's just like coming out of the closet and being gay or something. You wouldn't say, sorry about that. Oh, interesting.

You'd say like, I'm personally bummed that that means that you aren't attracted to me. Right. Unless. Unless I was all goof. Was you goofing on that shit? You like me now? No. You're not sexually attracted to anybody but me

no i'm actually not sexually attracted to you taking off his shoes and rubbing a carpet hold on one second you're gonna love this i'm getting all staticky uh that was yeah i don't know what else to tell this guy yeah probably don't pursue it at all but if you feel like you want to at least get some closure say like i did, I did have feelings for you, but I accept you as an asexual and I hope we can hang out as friends. Yeah, at the very least you have an answer. It's kind of like this TBS thing. Like, it's not nice to be hanging out in limbo. You want an either yes or no.

So instead of hanging out in this gray zone, why don't you tell her? Second campaign, we'll just be tweeting at TBS to at least tell us no. We deserve an answer. At least reject them i did okay hashtag red light jake and i'm here uh all right that's it f that uh cathartic episode it was a little bit we should do this all the time it was like a bone this really was a bonus thursday episode we'll be back on got real on monday with our schedule a regularly scheduled It was a little bit. We should do this all the time. It was like a bonus. This really was a bonus Thursday episode. We'll be back on Monday with our regularly scheduled program. We begin and end every episode with a new theme song. The first one was from Jonathan Gould.

This last one is from, oh, it's from those triplets. They sent us a Christmas slash Hanukkah themed theme song, and I didn't read it in time. So we still appreciate this festive theme song and I didn't read it in time. So we still appreciate this festive theme song from those triplets. Ilana Ayla and Danny.

So thanks guys. Thanks to you guys for listening and thank you also for all the kind words on our subreddit and Twitter and our Facebook and everywhere else. Indeed. It means a whole lot to me. And to me. Fine.

Don't say to me like it didn't mean anything to me. I just think it meant more to me. You're speaking because you're you, but I'm me, and it meant a lot to me. As well as me. So thank you, guys. We'll see you Monday. Love so hard you can't cope. All is real, all is done.

Two coy Jews if they were you telling you what they would do seize the heavenly cheese seize the heavenly If this podcast ain't enough Textshake is now a website When your situation's tough

They will help you in your plight. Seize the heavenly cheese.