Segments - 132: Taylor Swift (Live from Austin!)

Episode Date: February 2, 2015

In this episode we discuss lawsuits, sexuality, and our SuperBowl bet -- live from Austin, Texas! This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, Vegas.com, and TaxAct.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. The very first thing we do is a hearty thank you. To my dad. To you and your father. Coming to time only. The very first thing we do is a hearty thank you. To my dad.

To you and your father. What's your dad's middle name? I don't think he has one. All right. We actually want... All right. The second thing we wanted to do is thank you guys, everybody out there that's tweeted at TBSVeryFunny to hashtag GreenlightJakeAndAmir. Yes. A campaign that we started

somewhat jokingly, but quasi seriously as well. Yeah, I was kidding, but I wanted it to happen. And it did. But we were expecting, I don't know, 200, 300, 500 tweets. Well, you were expecting like 15. Yeah. I had my expectations set to not great.

I had low expectations. But they were surpassed, exceeded. We were overwhelmed and excited and flattered. We were overwhelmed, overjoyed, and overindulged. The moon. Over the moon. Nice. That's really good. We're at, like, I don't know, there's just estimates of, like, close to 7,000 tweets

already from our fans and friends and family. All the Photoshop of our faces on John Cusack's body. That was great, too. Which is really, even if we don't get a show, I think worth it for me. Some people even composed songs about it, this campaign. Somebody bought GreenlightJake and Amir.com. Did you see that?

Our fans are the fucking best. So, thank you so much. TBS has yet to respond. They're trolling us at this point. They're responding to tweets. They're finding the one or two tweets out of the 5,000 that don't address this giant movement. So, they are checking Twitter. They are checking Twitter. But they're just responding to other people.

Who do they respond to? I don't know. Other brands and other people tweeting at them. They responded to Sbarro, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should tweet at Sbarro to tweet at TBS. No, no, no, no. We have to focus our efforts.

We have to focus. We could just get Sbarro to tweet at TBS. For us. You haven't ignored us before. We are on the precipice. The tweets are still coming in. I feel like we're getting close, and Monday and and wednesday will

be big days i have a i have daydreams that important people are meeting then and they're checking the hashtag yeah yeah and uh if we can just keep the intensity thursday and friday they said this is all gonna get swept over yeah under the rug after the weekend but it's still going and it's still going strong so thank you so much to everyone who has tweeted if you can find it uh in your twitter account to keep it going, to keep the momentum going, that would be even extra exceptional. But whatever you've done so far. We need it. We deserve it.

And we earned it. Okay. That is one way to think about it. So I want to say thank you for giving me what was rightfully mine. Your undying gratitude and support. And we want more. Yeah, we're not done yet. As much as we appreciate it, we're not done appreciating it.

And we want more to appreciate. Yeah, that's fairly correct. I know we are. But we love you so much. And it would just be fun to keep on making stuff. Yeah, and to get an answer most most importantly and i feel like we're on the precipice we you guys will not be ignored be so great you can't be ignored that's true that's a sports center you know what i think i might even tweet

it huh i think i'm gonna tweet it holy shit your first tweet your first tweet in over a year i think if we can get jake on board uh who? I mean, your mom already tweeted about it. My mom did? Yeah, your mom tweeted. Awesome. Love you, Bobby. Yeah. Rick Fox tweeted about us.

Love you, Rick. Hoodie. Alan Ben Schwartz. Love you, Hoodie. All of our faves. Ed Helms. Moby. Love you, Moby.

The big guns. And thousands and thousands and thousands of other peoples. Love you guys, too. Whether you have one follower or a million, every little bit helps. So, I don't know. Thanks. Another real quick thing that we should talk about,

just touch upon very quickly because we have a great episode coming up, is the fact that I lost again. I lost a Super Bowl. That's true, right? Yeah. You know what? Unfortunately for me,

the lucky charm is me not watching the Super Bowl. Yeah, yeah. It's you being on an airplane during it. Yep. The second year and the second win. This one hurt. This one was close. This one shouldn't have happened. This was a nail-biter.

It was a shocker. In poker, you want to get your money in with the best hand, and when the Seahawks were on the one with 30 seconds left and Marshawn Lynch in the backfield, I really thought I was already designing billboards. They decided to go the other way. They really wanted to try out that slant route. Didn't work really out. That's okay.

Tom Brady can't lose. He can't lose. He can't lose. He can't lose. The balls were inflated properly this time, but he still outgunned you. Actually, one of them was really, really, really, it looked mushy. It almost looked like a nerf that he threw. The one out to edelman i swear to god it was a vortex yeah he had a vortex he had a whistling glow-in-the-dark vortex it was not okay uh but i

guess it's exciting nonetheless these billboard bets do make the game a lot more interesting and exciting yeah so i get to design another billboard of you yeah this is so nice uh i'm gonna start thinking now speaking of advertisements let's get to the sponsor for this episode just so we can you know get the ball rolling yes oh this is even before the sponsor that's how much we care about you guys yeah yeah that's really nice uh meundies.com sponsoring this episode yet again the world's most comfortable, fashionable, stylable underwear Did the undies tweet anything about green light jacket and a beard? Oh my gosh

They actually didn't I'm actually You know, as much as I appreciate all the tweets I'm starting to take people that didn't tweet it As a personal slap in the face I would not It is I would not

It's a gut punch It is not a gut punch It is A gut punch is getting picked off on the goal line with 21 seconds left in the game. You have to get over it. You have to get over that loss. You know, it was a good moment after the game. They asked Marshawn Lynch, are you upset that they didn't give the ball to you?

And he said, no, I'm not. Because I play football and football is a team game. That's really nice. That's my boy right there. That's the first time you talked to the press. Then he put a fistful of Skittles in his mouth and passed out. But that's my boy right there That's the first time He talked to the press Then he put a fistful Of Skittles in his mouth And passed out

But that's my Cal alum You know As Berkeley grads Gotta stick together I love Marshawn I just love Brady MeUndies.com

Is a sponsor For this episode Thank you MeUndies For continuing To believe in us As a podcast What is MeUndies? No, not as a TV show

Hashtag Greenlight Jake LeMire What is MeUndies? Not as a TV show. Hashtag GreenlightJKMirror. What is MeUndies.com? Other than comfortable, stylish underwear. What can you do? What can you buy? You can buy terrycloth shorts. You can buy pajama pants. You can buy V-neck shirts like the one I'm wearing now.

You can buy socks. MeUndies.com has clothes for men and women. They ship for free to the U.S. and Canada. And if you like what you see and you want an even bigger discount, go to MeUndies.com slash Amir for 20% off your first order. That's MeUndies.com slash Amir. You can't go to... No other URL will work.

You can't go to... Did they discontinue mine? They did not technically discontinue it. You can't go to any other URL is what you just said. They could if they wanted to. You can go to MeUndies.com slash jake and actually you get an even better discount that's not true same discount but you're alive same percentage but at least you're supporting a super bowl winner uh brady belichick and herwitz

the big three trio the triumvirate uh yeah This was our live show in Austin. It was fun and things did get real. Great crowd. Very exciting. We just had a great time. It was a great time. And hopefully it'll be enjoyable for you guys to listen to. You want to get this party started?

Let's do it. Hashtag Greenlight Drake in a mirror. Bye. Bye. Bye. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do, if only I were you. Shark.com Holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, we the boys, holla, we the boys, holla, holla, holla, we making noise, holla. Hey everybody, how's it going? Wow, wow.

Nobody sit. Nobody sit. We stand, you sit. We stand. You stand. We all stand for ice stands. For what? Ice stands. Oh, yeah.

Ice stands. Stands where ice is sold. Cool. I just wanted to say ISIS at one point in the show. Should we? Are we standing? I mean, you guys should sit. That was a test, motherfuckers!

Everybody who's still standing, leave! That's right! We want people who don't listen quickly to stay! Keep going. I'm stuck. Lyrically. See what's going on here? This is why I'm stuck. Lyrically.

See what's going on here? This is why I can't have a selfie stick. Right. I don't know how... There's so many reasons why you shouldn't have a selfie stick. This is probably the... Nothing is going right for me right now, dude. If anything, give up on trying to take it out.

Okay. Weed and bullets bullets We're making noise So what you want to do is pull the mic towards you Chill I know what to do Let go of it with your left hand Both hands Nice one, genius

I'm going gonna sit down then Good Here we go Why does he say hold up a lot in that song? He wants everyone to know that they are them boys Yeah, hold up, hold up Hold up, wait, wait, wait We're them boys

I know, okay Hold up, hold up, hold up Yeah We're making noise Okay, got it Hold up What hold on, hold on. Yeah. We're making noise. Okay, got it. Hold up! What? We're them boys.

Got it. Hold up! What else? We're making noise. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Still stuck. Do you... Yeah, that's gonna be fine.

Watch this. Oh, okay. Hmm, that's nice. For anybody listening and not in the crowd right now, I'm looking normal. We know how to work a mic stick. For those of you listening at home, we flawlessly put our mics exactly where they need to be,

both of us they're laughing because I'm juggling with my feet and it's nervous laughter because they're impressed right guys this is such a such a big whiskey thank you to

the generous bartender we're in Austin that was an accidental kind of cool move The generous bartender. And we're in Austin. That was an accidental kind of cool move. Did you do that on purpose? That's the name of my autobiography. An accidental kind of cool move. The coolest thing I can be is kind of cool.

And the only way to achieve it is accidentally. That's like the of your life that's how you were born yeah kind of a cool accident by your parents that's right they accidentally fucked my dad tripped yeah into mommy this is my dad explaining to me where babies come from. And how he didn't mean to make love to your mother? And then I was trying to get up. Hold up, hold up. We making boys! Ah, nice!

Thank you. Don't you, don't fucking talk about my dad like that. How are you guys doing? This is a... This is, yeah, crazy. This is a fucking for a podcast. This is the coolest 300 people ever.

At the very least, you all know how to use iTunes, which is pretty cool. You're welcome. Who came here from far away? Losers! Where are you? Did you say you're from Canada? But you didn't come here for this podcast,

because if you did, you fucked up. We're in Toronto tomorrow, man. Oh, yeah, no. We're going to be, man. Oh yeah, no. We're going to be in Nova Scotia. Sorry about that. Salmon fishing and all that. You came from Toronto for your birthday?

Happy birthday. It's your birthday today? Tomorrow? Your birthday today? It's your dad's birthday today. It is my dad's birthday. Wait. Is that why you guys have birthday hats on?

You guys are all Canadian? You're wearing hats for her birthday? No, they're... For Amir's dad's birthday? Yeah, they're huge fans of my dad's OBGYN practice. You're drinking that neat, huh? Yeah, I am neat. It's going to be a little harsh on your palate, I imagine.

Maybe for some. Cheers. I hit your glass. Oh, nice. Bad luck. Wait, who else? Okay Okay Toronto's probably gonna win Anybody else from pretty far away El Paso

How far of a drive is it from El Paso How many Did you drive So like actually How long was your flight from Toronto Two planes We didn't fucking ask how many planes you said how long don't try to oversell it i took three layovers to get made fun of no we so appreciate it that That's awesome. Thank you so much.

What can we do to make this worthwhile? You took two planes. We didn't even take two planes. The weird thing, she took two planes at the same time. What? Yeah, she was straddling them. Water skiing of sorts through the skies. So hot.

And you drove from El Paso? Holy shit. For your birthday? It's everyone's birthday. Oh my god. We're all twins. Everyone here is my dad. You all fucked Amir's mom. Enough.

Sorry. Absolutely excuse you for that. Has anybody here not ever heard this show before? Yeah. So you were just dragged here by friends who were like, trust us. It's going to be pretty good. We are disappointing you already.

Well, I hope you guys have a fun time. The way it works is that this is like an advice show. So Jake and I give people suggestions on how to extricate themselves from their sticky situations. We're already losing someone. That's okay. Trying a new intro. So we read people's emails. People email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com.

And they're like, we want your advice. And we do our best to give it. Sometimes it's just me and Jake alone, somewhat naked in our house, and sometimes we're on stage somewhat naked in front of 300 of our closest friends. I think we should get to the questions, but before we do that,

we want to invite Audrey Scott onto the stage. We have... Every show we start, we have, starts, begins with a theme song written by a fan of ours. And... Yeah. Audrey has written...

That's right. Audrey has written... How many songs have we used of yours? Five. Do you need anything from us, or can you just get started? Audrey has written that's right Audrey has written how many songs have we used of yours? five do you need anything from us or can you just get started?

that's it that's it? yeah holy shit alright Audrey Scott everyone you guys right

so I was gonna loop this live but I can't so I'm gonna there's a little app called loopy HD here we go

sponsor for the podcast, Loopy HD. Loopy HD. I were you If I were you If I were you The best podcast that makes you laugh It gets real too If I were you so if you're stuck in a dire strait i'd email into amir and jake if

i were you if I were you Wow. Thank you. Here we go for Audrey Scott. How the fuck are we supposed to follow that? It's not fair.

So, here we are and... Fuck! Shit! I want to just go to one of her concerts now. She recorded all those parts upstairs before the show. Suck my dick, Wiz Khalifa. That was better than Weed M, boys. I'd like to get blown by Wiz Khalifa.

Yeah. Regardless of what happened, I feel like you just want to blow it off. I think I just wanted a blowjob from Wiz Khalifa, actually. All right. Let's get this show on the road. These, what? I brought a guitar. I don't care.

I'm just joking. I'm just joking. Oh. I'm just joking Oh Sometimes we play Songs about the Yeah yeah And let me have a little bit More whiskey Then I'll agree to that

Maybe for like One of the two songs At the end When Jake's really tipsy But thank you for Bringing the guitar That's awesome Really cool

There's already guitar here So you wasted your energy But He took four planes to get here. And he's from Austin. He was detained in customs because they thought there was something in the guitar. Yeah. Anally searched.

Only to have me say, fuck it, we didn't need your guitar. They did find a pick in there, though. Why? He thought the pick would be a dangerous thing, so he put it in his cavity. So I have in my hand seven questions. Will we get to them all? Will we not? I don't know. But these are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity.

If we can have our first fake name... Who screamed first really loudly? Wait, Bruno? What'd you say? Noodle. The loudest anyone's ever screamed noodle. No, Noodle is his name.

He was on my list. It was Noodle plus one, right? Sir. Noodle. I salute you, Noodle. I love you, Noodle. Don't, uh... This is you noodle you and me noodle tell the god damn end sir

me and noodle this is an Olive Garden commercial endless noodle when you're here you're family noodle yeah this one's from noodle let's do it noodle rights does this look fine how how I'm sitting?

I feel like we're not on the same plane. Would you say we took two different planes? It's a limp mic. It happens to lots of guys. It's not you guys. We get it in our heads sometimes. Whiskey Mike. Whiskey Mike, indeed. That was your nickname in college, dude.

Whiskey Mike. Yeah. Noodle Rikes. So I met this girl on Tinder and through some ups and downs, we've now been together for about six months and are in a committed committed monogamous relationship. She's amazing and I trust her completely and I know there's more of a chance of me straying to seize elsewhere cheese than her. I don't plan on it, but you never know how. That's right. Here comes the curveball.

Before me, she had been in one serious relationship for five years And she had been faithful the whole time But before that, she had been, what many would say Fast and free with her VAG I mean, we've all had our fun But I keep getting the idea from a lot of the things she says That it was a lot of fun, but I keep getting the idea from a lot of the things she says that it was a lot of fun, like a lot. Like her number completely eclipses mine into total darkness. I'm not trying to slut shame anybody, and I'm not mad at her, but it does make me question how she values

herself or her morals or some shit. She's an amazing girl, but just giving away those cookies so willy-nilly is starting to get to me. Am I being a sissy-ass trick? Or am I on to some kind of behavioral patterns that need to be

addressed immediately before I get in too deep? Help! Love, Noodle. Yes! You detective hero! Rest immediately before I get in too deep. Help. Love. Noodle. Yes. You detective hero. You're onto some behavioral patterns, actually.

Or some shit. We're glad you brought this up. Thank God he's not trying to slut shame anyone and then questions her morals and character based on something she did six years ago before she knew he existed. I'm not trying to slut shame her, although shame on that whore. Yeah. I don't know, I question who she is. By the way, I might cheat on her. Ha!

Because I gotta seize my cheese. She was in a faithful relationship for five years. You don't understand, before that though, when she was single, she actually hooked up with people. I really think she did. I'm not sure, but I was able to read between the lines. Am I on to some behavioral patterns? She doesn't value herself. She sleeps with people when she's single.

How dare she? It's disgusting. Am I on to some kind of behavioral pattern that needs to be addressed immediately? What if we just told him yes? You sat her down like, hey, um... I'm on to some behavioral patterns. I'd hate to address this any other way but immediately, but... Did you sleep around before the guy before me?

You cheated on me. Not to mention the guy who you were with for five years that you were faithful to. You cheated on him too with other people before you started going out. You prematurely cheated on me six years ago. This guy is a real human. He thinks that. His name is Noodle. So what do we really tell Noodle?

It's okay if your girlfriend is hooked up with guys two times before she was with you. Six years... Oh! You're not on to anything. In fact, it sounds like he's just pissing himself off.

He seems to get angry as he's writing this... The way she's giving those cookies away is really starting to get to me, actually. She's not doing anything. Giving cookies away.

You're allowed to. They're free cookies when you're single. I love cookies. That's not exactly what they are. Vanilla wafers in the villa. Now I get it. So what can he possibly do

other than get over yourself? How do you get over jealousy? That's beautiful. Audrey, a song. She's only prepared that and maybe one other. We shouldn't waste it this early in the game. Are you ever jealous of,

do you ever think about who your girlfriend has boned before you? All the time. Does it ruffle your feathers? Does it aggravate you? All the time. Does it ruffle your feathers? Does it aggravate you? Well, the difference is, like, it's not me. I could do whatever I want, right? I could cheat on anybody all the time, but since it's... Somebody else. Yeah, if it's them doing it to me, it's bad.

If it's me doing it to them, it's fine. That makes sense. Right. Huh? Because it's like... We'll explain the honking later, seven people who haven't been here. Will, do you get jealous? Not really.

My theory is like, if my girlfriend wants to fuck another guy, she's earned that right. Every single one of your girlfriends has fucked another guy. That's right. And it's always been you and Noodle. They've Eiffel Towered her every single time. No, I feel like every girl is a free agent of sorts. If she wants to cheat on me, then okay, she can do that. And then I would break up with her.

If she thinks it's worth it, have at it. But I'm not going to get mad if she wants to sleep with someone six years before we got together. Right. Things that happened before you were even on her radar, gonna get mad if she wants to like sleep with someone six years before we got together right things that happened before you were even on her radar you can't be mad about it's prehistory it's also sort of weird to be like you just honed in on one thing your girlfriend is like how i don't know how old she is but she's like a full human who's had a million experiences that are like not necessarily all just getting railed by some other dude. You should be curious about like her birthday party when she was six and where she went on vacation when she was 15.

Not like, oh, you only got fucked before we met. Only tell me things that have happened since I started fucking you. That's when you became real to me. So, re-evaluate, Noodle. Your girlfriend should have gotten railed. That's good. Doesn't it feel good when you have sex, Noodle?

Don't you want your girlfriend to have had those same feelings, Noodle? Don't you want your girlfriend to know how to fuck you, and wouldn't she only know how to fuck you if she fucked other dudes, Noodle? Do you get what I'm saying, that's for you that's for you to noodle you are my doodle i'd like to doodle a noodle i think we should move on okay that's also fair so uh yeahodle chillax, dude. Right? No, you got that totally wrong.

I misread it. We're saying his girlfriend's a whore. We need... Sorry, the fake name you shouted out was Jizz? Oh, J-I-S-S? Jizz. It's how people from New Zealand say jess. Jizz. Jizz? No, you're totally wrong.

It's jiss. Not jizz, J-I-S-Z. Jizz. You know, like what comes out of your dick when you cum Who brought their parents to the show? Alright, next one comes from a boy or a girl? A boy boy

Boy George, boy George, that's perfect Perfect Guy killed it Is that a jacket? Is that camo? Patagonia? He really likes that lot. He uses it as a camouflage pattern. What size is that, medium?

Find me after the show, boss. And beat the shit out of me. It would be an honor, sir. I don't want to interrupt, but you have not sipped your whiskey. Jug! Jug! Jug! but you have not sipped your whiskey. back to Toronto with her, so I'm trying to pace myself. We're laying over in Chicago, Minnesota, and Nova Scotia. 14 planes, actually. 14 planes.

It's the name of my memoir. For no reason, really. Alright. George writes, While I was away on a trip to Cali, my friend tried to clean up our apartment as a kind gesture for me to return to when I got back home.

I'm assuming that I left a plate with a few uneaten scraps of food on it because he felt the need to use the garbage disposal, which is located in the sink, naturally. What happened next is neither expected nor advised. As my dude turned the garbage disposal on, some of the old food did not make it all the way in.

In a brazen and committed act of finishing the job, he reached his hand into the sink in attempt to shove the rest of the food into the disposal. The problem was, he didn't turn the disposal off. The disposal proceeded to sever his finger

through the bone until his index finger was dangling from his hand like a set of wind chimes in a hurricane. Visceral. After getting to the hospital, my friend found out that he could indeed get his finger surgically replaced with minor scarring.

That was to be expected. What was not to be expected was for him to demand that I pay his hospital bill when I got home due to my lack of cleaning the plate myself. I feel bad about the whole cutting his finger off situation. But I don't think it's my job to pay for his boneheaded mistake. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, love boy George. Is this an ad for Garbage Disposals? What? Is this an ad for Garbage Disposals? Yes. This podcast is brought to you by Garbage Disposals. How do you tell someone who just sliced his finger off that you're not going to pay for his hospital bill?

It almost seems like he sliced his finger off and then made up this story to get his bills paid for. Yeah, or he just really wanted cash, and this was his crazy way of getting it. His get-rich-quick scheme. It's weird, because his friend didn't even ask him to rich quick scheme. It's weird because his friend didn't even ask him

to do this favor. Right. It's like if I stole your car, ran an errand, got hit, and asked you to pay for the car insurance. It's only fair.

I feel bad that you got hit by a car. But it's hard to say no to someone whose finger is dangling off. I think it's pretty easy to say no to him. Yeah.

It's, it's funny that he mentioned onions. I don't know. I guess I left some onions on a plate. That's also kind of gross. Yeah. He shouldn't have left onions on the plate. I think you need to apologize for the onion thing and say, I'm sorry that your finger got chopped off, but it's not

my responsibility to pay for your medical bill. Yeah, he didn't know how to use a garbage disposal. That's the first thing they teach you, is to turn it off when you shove your hand down. Yeah, that's garbage disposal 101. At the very least, 102. At the very least, 202.

I'm actually taking an advanced course in garbage disposal. Really? Yeah, 401. And what do they say about carrots? I know onions are no-go with the pushing it in. I'm actually taking an advanced course in garbage disposal. Yeah, 401. And what do they say about carrots? I know onions are no-go with the pushing it in. I'm not gotten there yet. The carrots are A-okay. It's 501. That's a 501 course.

What about a cucumber? Or a celery? Cucumbers are fine. Chicken, meat, and bone? That's right. That is just, you can go down there? Two hours later. Our hands are both nubs.

What about a beet? Or a green onion? Fuck me, I'm up to the elbow. A scallion. Will it blend? I'm talking about my finger bones. He basically said, oh, I used your blender to make a smoothie

and it sliced my finger off. Give me cash for that. If you misuse the product, you can't demand money, right? I don't know how suing works. Can I sue you? Like, say I borrowed a pair of your pants, and then I walked to the store, and I fell down,

and I got hit by a car, and I said, your pants were too constricting. They impeded my stride, and I got run over by a bus. You owe me cash? I feel like I've read a story like that. At least we'll settle out of court, right? Yeah, you don't want to take this to a jury. Right, especially if I've got money to defend myself.

Holy shit. I'll leave your ass in litigation for months and months. Bleed both of us dry. You're hatching a plan in front of all of our friends right now. You are borrowing my pants right now. These are your pants right now. Do they look good on them or what? Show them.

Strut your stuff, Blumenfeld. I feel bad. Come on, strut your stuff. Can we cue up Weed Em Boys real quick? I don't know if we can just play Wiz Khalifa at random, but I'd really love it if it would just pop on the speaker system all of a sudden. We Them Boys by Wiz Khalifa. Without delay.

One, here it is. Five, four, three, two, one, go. Hey. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Boys. Yeah. Holla, holla. Yeah Boys Yeah

Holla, holla Holla, we them boys Holla, holla We them boys Holla, holla We making noise That's pretty good. Marty, is that you back there?

We'll make it tighter. Is that Marty back there? Marty? It is? Give it up for Marty, everybody. Yeah, he nailed it after the second countdown. Marty is actually our little intern, so if you've been around after the show...

How dare you He beat you up earlier today Yeah right Bullshite We should go on to the next question This guy doesn't owe you It's easy to say oh I'm sorry for what happened to you This guy is such a coward he doesn't deserve your money or a finger

Oh wow You think he got what was prematurely deserved to him I think he's not allowed to have a finger for this His other finger needs to be taken away Like some sort of Saudi jail prison sentence Where you have to get your finger cut off If you lied about it That's right

ISIS comes back just like that That's the second ISIS reference We're trying to set a goddamn record here at the North Door. The record is three. Which is kind of a lot. Wow. Ten years ago.

Pretty weird. We should look into that. Very formative. And informative. Question the third. You don't know if I need a guy or a girl. Crandus. Crandus has followed us to Austin. Crandus is interchangeable.

Oh yeah, this is a dude. I'm hearing Crandus from all over the place. You haven't stopped hearing Crandus. I actually sleep hearing Crandus. Alright, Crandis from all over the place. You haven't stopped hearing Crandis. I actually sleep hearing Crandis. All right, Crandis writes. How's it going, guys? Long-time listener, first time writing in, but this is an issue that I've had for a while. I know I'm not gay.

I 100% like girls Pretty sure I'm not exactly bisexual Since I don't find manly looking men attractive I feel like I could probably have sex with a transsexual Without any real issues In fact, I would not hesitate if given the chance But that's beside the point It's not. Now, I'm not sure that I can have sex with someone that identifies as male, though.

That being said, in the end, I don't think I can have sex with a manly man, but if it was a girly guy, I probably could. Thanks. P.S. I wouldn't have sex with either of you. Not saying you guys aren't good looking, but just so you could use this as a reference as to what kind of guys I would have sex with. Love, Crandis. All right, great question.

Let's give it up for Crandis. Best part of all, not a question. I don't know if you guys noticed this, but I read a paragraph with no question mark. No question mark. This was a fucked up SAT word problem. This is a logic game. I know I'm not gay. That being said,

I would fuck guys. That being said, I don't think I can have sex with a manly man. Only a girly guy thanks no thank you Krandis I don't know how to parse this into

logical formations that I can sort of figure out what the fuck is going on but it seems like he's maybe not that it's bad but it seems like he's a little bit gay Sure I mean if you say you want to fuck a guy I want to fuck a girly guy

But it's still a guy which is still gay Yeah And that's fine But you're just wrong when you say you're not gay He thinks he's not gay Because he wouldn't have sex with every guy Right But that's not real

So like because I'm not attracted to every girl in the world, I'm not straight. But that's not true. You are attracted to every girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a... I don't have no type. Bad bitches. Yeah, they're actually the only type

I like. Also brunettes specifically. And good bitches. They're fine. Don't want to pigeonhole anybody. I have literally no type. Yes. Crandice, if you would fuck a guy, then you're a little gay.

Homophobe. That's fair. I never looked at it like that, actually. I think for some reason he thinks that being gay is a negative thing. So he's like, I'm not gay. I would just have sex with a girly guy. He's projecting on himself.

Yeah. So maybe if he thinks like, oh, it's okay that I'm a little bit gay. Right. I don't even know how to answer this because it's, once again, not a question. All he needs is a positive push in the right direction. And he wants to fuck a girly guy, and that's fine, and that's beautiful. So everybody, let's say Crandis, it's okay if you want a

fucking girly guy, that's fine, that's beautiful. And hesitate just like I did. Okay, are you ready? One, two, three. Crandis, it's okay if you want a fucking girly guy. Totally perfect. You're a bad motivational speaker.

Guys, repeat after me. It's okay. I have a stuttering problem. Everybody, yes, we can. Ready? One, two, three, yes, we can. Ready? One, two, three, four, seven, six, eight. Shit, I skipped it again. Damn it.

Thank you all so much for buying tickets to my seminar. I don't know why anyone would trust me. Now we all walk across coal. What should we do now? Does anybody... Are you guys also drinking? It's not just us, right? Todah.

Cheers. L'chaim. I feel like I want to get to know these people a little more. We keep talking about these assholes. They're stuck in my phone. Yeah, let's get to know a real person. Is there anybody? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just by a show of hands, whose birthday is today? What are the odds that this many people? Is it actually your birthday? January 24th? 1989? It doesn't matter. Oh, you know what we should do is the birthday video for my daddy. Oh, yeah, that's a nice idea.

I didn't get my dad a gift. So in lieu of that, can we raise the house lights and I can take a video of you guys saying, Happy birthday, Dr. Blumenfeld. Is that too formal? Dr. Blumenfeld. Happy birthday, Daron. Absolutely.

So you guys, I'm going to say one, two, three. Holy shit, everyone's hot. Wow. Oh, this is great. So I'm going to say one, two, three, and then you guys say, Happy birthday, Doron. That's D-O-R-O-N. And then I'm going to send this to him.

Ready? I'm going to stand a little far back just because we can't. This is great. There's so many people here. Thank you guys so much for coming. I'm going to count. One, two, three.

Happy birthday, Jerome! This is great. Now I don't have to get him a tie or some shit. Oh, shit! Erased. That was a FaceTime. He's at a funeral. Bad on him for picking up.

Let's get to one more question. Nice. Good laugh, actually. Now, just a quick... Oh, God, your fingers are crazy. Oh, I opened Uber. It's coming for me, dude. I have to fucking get in an Uber now.

A Civic? Shit. Oh, no. His name is Raul, and I have to get in a Civic. He's fucking here. What are the fucking odds of that? Crap. 4.7 stars and everything.

I have to accept. All right. Jake, you find a dude's name. I'm overwhelmed. Wait, everyone, everyone, everyone, be very, very, very, very quiet. Complete silence. Complete silence.

That's what I was waiting for. One person to keep on disobeying. And it was you, Chandler, right? Chandlin? Chandlin? Is that an actual guy's name that you've heard? Chandlin. What's Chandlin's last name?

Chandlin nothing. Chandlin Krauss. Chandlin's last name? Nothing. Chandlin Krauss. I like that a lot. Hey, Chandlin Krauss. Good to meet you. Brother. I wonder why we both yelled that. Sometimes it's a little creepy.

Chandlin Krauss writes, Hey guys, huge fan of the show I need advice on social networking I've been trying to get Taylor Swift To tweet at me for a while now Probably the past two years or so Let me tell you, nothing has worked My girlfriend and my mom thinks it's

Starting to make me look sad, desperate and pathetic So now I really need Taylor to tweet at me So that I can prove to them front of my mom thinks it's starting to make me look sad, desperate, and pathetic. So now I really need Taylor to tweet at me. So that I can prove to them I'm not wasting my time tweeting at her. What's the best way to get a celeb to tweet at you? Keep in mind I'm 24, only 339 days younger than her, if that makes a difference. Thanks, love, Chen that makes a difference. Thanks. Love, Chenandler Krause. I was gonna say,

shit, I'm thrown off. He's only 329? Shit. Was that your advice? To be older? If you can get under 300, she would tweet at you. She tweets at anyone that's a little bit older.

Yeah. It's starting to be sad and pathetic. I would say anyone that's a little bit older. Yeah. It's starting to be sad and pathetic. I would say somewhere before year two it was sad and pathetic. Maybe sometime around year one or week one. Or literally one. One. The first time you did it, it was a little sad. Before you were born, it was sad.

But he thinks if I can now just get Taylor to tweet at me, it would prove to them, ha ha, I wasn't sad. Look, she felt so bad for me, she tweeted at me. There's not a tweet that she could tweet that would make it worth it. What if she's like, hey, dude, I'm your friend now. The effort you put in makes me realize that I want to be friends with you. I just figured that we're only 339 days apart. So now I'm willing to let you fuck me.

Then it would be worth the two years of effort. Yeah. I don't know about her, but I'm feeling 20. I've reached an impasse. Third. Are we trying to rhyme or come up with her actual age? I don't know. I had an aneurysm. Really?

Yeah. Good thing we sent that birthday video to your dad. So what do you think? What's the best way to get a celeb to tweet at you? I guess not to do it incessantly. I think if you do it every single day for two years, she's actively at this point trying to ignore you

because she thinks that you're going to stab her. Which I also think you might stab her. Which is not a bad option. Oh, what if you stab her? I hadn't even thought about that. So how would that go down?

So he holds a knife to her throat. Yeah, I'll be Taylor Swift. Okay. Oh, yeah that go down? So he holds a knife to his throat. Yeah, I'll be Taylor Swift. Okay. Oh, yeah, I do recommend it. I've got a switchblade. I'll tweet at you. It's good.

And now it's worth it. But just for good measure. Why? Oh, no. If Taylor Swift dies anytime soon, this played at the trial Just us two sitting on Your honor I plead the fifth Is that a thing I can do?

Does that help me here? Not saying anything Which is what I should have done in the first place Son you should have Plead the fifth on stage Order Order You're going to hell in the first place. Son, you should have plead the fifth on stage. Order, order. You're going to hell.

That's right. It's the court of public opinion. That gavel can do anything. It's a magic gavel, which is the name of our new sitcom we're writing. Magic gavel coming to CBS this fall only on ABC. That's right.

It's on two channels. Coming to CBS only on ABC. That's right. It's on two channels. Coming to CBS only on ABC. It's a multi-channel network. Imagine a show so good it's on twice at the same time. This is me at a pitch meeting. And that silence is...

The same deafening silence. Leave. Of course, I was already on my way out. But now that I'm here... God, you carry that letter opener everywhere. Where were we before we took that detour into killing Taylor Swift? Do you ever tweet at people that tweet at you?

You're a celebrity to some. I once tweeted at Alex Honnold. He's a climber. I wanted him to tweet at me, so I said I was a big fan, and he wrote back, thanks. Really? Yeah.

Well, how close are you to him in age? Maybe that's... It's probably around 329 days, actually. Oh, the fact that he knows it to the day is so creepy. Yeah. I should kill Alex Honnold, you're right. I did not say that. I did absolutely not say that.

If Half Dome couldn't do it, I can. Call me Half Dome. Because that's what my dick resembles. It's not fair. My official advice is delete your Tinder, Twitter account. And your Tinder. You have a girlfriend. Delete your Tinder.

Oh, how sad is that for the girlfriend? Like, oh, baby, you're going to be so fucking proved wrong when Taylor Swift tweets back at me. That's why I don't believe in true love. That's why? Yeah, dude. Because no matter how much

he loves his girlfriend, if Taylor Swift tweeted back and was like, hey, I'll suck your dick, he'd be like, yeah, I'm down. True love could always be undercut by Taylor Swift saying I'll blow you.

What about the guy that dates Taylor Swift? I feel like Nicki Minaj could say she would blow him. And then after Nicki... How deep down the rabbit hole does this go? Well, I feel like back and forth. Between those two, true love doesn't exist.

So you can only have true love if Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift suck your dick at the same time. Wow. The ejaculate is a rainbow. That would be true love. And that's the truest love of all And that's why he's tweeting at her

It's beautiful He's chasing that rainbow Alright, let's take a break Let's chat, let's relax, let's chill If you're listening at home, we're going to take a quick commercial break, and we'll be right back. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you

know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits.

Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick 6 app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings Pick 6.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario.

Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits. Expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note

to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right.

So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Do we have time for one last question? Or is it over?

Are you guys okay with that? Do you guys have time for one last question? One last question. All right. We're back. People at home are listening once again Wasn't Jake very proud and strong For telling that story?

I like the booze, thank you The booze are just from a few choice policemen Who are here Yeah, one time we should come back And I'm getting arrested If you do come back to Austin You probably will get arrested after telling that.

That's fair. Okay, here we go. We finally have a question from a lady. What? Taylor. Taylor? I heard Taylor

from over there somewhere. Is it really? Yeah. Good man. You're named after a girl! Your name is bad! Your name's Amir Shmuel. Shmuel. I'm afraid you talked over the middle names.

I had to say it one more time. If it was Samuel, you wouldn't think twice, you anti-Semite. You absolutely are an anti-Semite for that. Shmuel. Shmuel. I'm kind of drunk, actually. You did, yeah, you dropped your phone on the ground. Can I read it?

No, I got it, I got it. I was publicly shut down by Shmuel just there. Do you want to read it? It's kind of long. It has a lot of big words, but sound him out, bud. Hey, remember what noise the CH makes? Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo.

Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Choo-choo, Choo-choo.

Choo-choo, Choo-choo. Give it to me. You're playing Crossy Road. Shit, dude. Have you guys played Crossy Road yet? It's a free game that Jake downloaded and we became kind of obsessed with over the last 24 hours. Look into it.

What's your high score? 214? Anybody beat that on Crossy Road? That's right, now get the fuck out. over the last 24 hours. Look into it. What's your high score? 214? 214. Anybody beat that on Crossy Road? That's right. Now get the fuck out. Okay. Hey, guys. Wait, Taylor writes.

Oh, Taylor writes. Hey, guys. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because of some questionable acts. Even though he may not have physically cheated, he definitely blurred the lines. But yet he is defiant that he remained faithful to me through it all. He idolizes you guys and respects

your opinion way more than mine. Bad sign. So I would like for you to clarify cheating according to his recent behavior. Act one. I snooped and found a Facebook message of his with a slutty girl from college. He basically told her he could have her if he wanted and entertain the idea of a future meetup.

That's right, he is a dick. When I confronted him about it, he said neither of us would ever see her again, so it didn't mean anything. Act two. I snooped and found, in conversation with his friends, incredibly detailed accounts of threesomes he had in college with girls that I knew well, friends of mine. I'm talking details down to the contours of

vaginas. When I confronted him about it, he said he made those stories up for his friends' entertainment and he never had sex with those girls. Act three. My boss's daughter took me aside at work and told me that she matched my boyfriend on Tinder. She showed me the entire conversation

and my boyfriend invited her to drinks and told her we were no longer together. When I confronted him about it, he said he wanted to see if she recognized him. It was all a joke. A goop for fun and sport. He obviously enjoys the attention, even if he doesn't intend for it to go anywhere.

He honestly believes that he was faithful to me the whole time and is incredibly offended that I thought he cheated. Do any of these qualify? At what point should I have ended it? Love, Taylor. She's overreacting. She was snooping! You snooped!

If you snooped, then you got duped! Intermission. Act four. I walk in on my boyfriend going down on a girl. He turns around and says, no, no, no, come closer. As you can see, my tongue is still a centimeter away from her labia. If so facto, I've caught you in a snooping situation yet again. Encore.

My boyfriend is literally butt-fucking my mother. He says it's not cheating if it's still genetically you. That's fair and true. This guy is a magician. He is. He has a prestige. He's a slippery little poodle.

He's a lawyer. He's a snake oil salesman magician. A politician for sure. I love that he has an out every time. Well, as you can see, this didn't really happen, so... He's a master of the sleight of hand. Yeah. But every time, it's very, very close.

I feel like you gotta add up these almost cheatings into one mega cheat. I mean, flirting is, like you said... An entire room full of people can't be wrong. Did he cheat on her? Yes! You couldn't really hear it because there was a lot of yes and no's, but the answer was yes.

What he did was... You fucked up. You said that cheating is only cheating if the person getting cheated on feels as though she's been cheated. Yes. Yes, that's what I said. So she feels... I stand by that, Your Honor. honor you can't so you're saying you can't be wrong if you think he cheated

then he did by definition cheat i don't want to be pigeonholed like that there's a line of course there's a line she's on the right side of it though So If after the first one He did not cheat If after the second one Are there any Jews in the house? We are in Texas This sounds like Dayenu Which is like a song about

Oh if God did this but not One guy knows it That's my rabbi Shmuel himself. I bring him everywhere. The point is, this guy got away with a little bit and then he did a little bit more

and then he did a little bit more and then how much more can you possibly give him? How much slack can you give him? I think the best bet is to just get rid of him right off the bat. True or false? Why did you say false? Oh my God, that's the guy.

Shit, man, you have the coolest fucking Patagonia here. How can he be so wrong? So in your mind, cheating is just if he kisses someone and he hasn't kissed anyone, he's just flirted with girls over chat. He's just talking

thoughts do you have a girlfriend and would you feel like if she was talking to some guy and saying hey i'm single i'd like to meet up and fuck you would you feel like that was good would you feel like you were in a healthy, committed relationship if that happened? What? Did you say possibly? You know what, dude? I have been texting your girlfriend. Yes! That's the reaction I wanted.

Should we bring up Audrey Scott? Because we're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, this has been so amazing. One of our best live shows ever. Thank you so much. Much like the beginning of every show, we end every show with a theme song.

Audrey's written so many, so if you guys want, let's have her back on stage and sing one more song for us. And then after the show, we'll be somewhere to hang out if you guys want to take a photo or hug Jake.

I'm a germaphobe, so don't touch me, but... Oh, no. Hi. There's a guitar chord somewhere on this stage. Are you single? I am. This is the shit they don't want you to see. All right.

If you want to enjoy Mondays, then lend me your ear right now. Jake and Amir are funny, and they'd like to help you out. If I were you, if I were you, if you want advice To tell you what to do If I were you If I were you The show starts now Audrey Scott! Thank you.

Thank you. On my show, you'll learn sex tips, relationship tips, and I guarantee you will be more confident, get more, and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show. That's Sex with Emily on Podcast One. That's O-N-E.