Segments - 133: Bro-Job

Episode Date: February 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss bad Tinder dates and worse friends. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, BlueApron.com, and Berries.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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I sort of started and gave up in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, we're back on a Thursday. Thanks to naturebox.com. On a Thursday. Life is hectic. It's hard to remember to go to the store and buy some shitty snacks. So what Naturebox does is, okay, we'll send you the snacks.

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and we have no qualms accepting it and just devouring it yeah uh but you also want free snacks good news nature box will send you a free trial box including five of their most popular snacks you heard me they're sending you free snacks in the mail that's free food so are you interested

good food for no money do you like that idea showing up to your house how's that how is not every single person gonna at least get the free snacks at their door i think what they do is they hear and they're like oh it's not actually free no no no no no this is actually they just send you free snacks because they're like oh we'll send them a little bit it's not a lot it's a little bit but it's gonna get you hooked and you're gonna want to pay for it later at the very least get the free snacks and you can get it if you go to

naturebox.com slash if i were you that to naturebox.com slash if i were you that's naturebox.com slash if i were you you know the name of this podcast and uh if you're gonna smart if you're gonna if you want to snack smartly you'll at least check them out it's naturebox.com and if you do end up purchasing a nature box which i think is as low as like twenty dollars a month and they send you the five snacks pretty good good. A hearty portions as well. Send us that receipt. They'll send you a receipt. Forward it to us at afireashowatgmail.com, and we'll give you a shout out.

We'll thank you. Jake, do you have the names of the people that have purchased it last month? I do. So I guess we'd like to thank Hassan R. Who else? I guess we'd also like to thank Misael R. And? I'd also enjoy to thank Carter S.

Sure. And how can I forget Jabari B. Uh-huh. And last but not least, how can I forget Logan C. Logan C. Yes. Oh, also, Evan S. How can I forget? So not last and not least.

Not last, not least, Evan S. How could I forget? So not last and not least. Not last, not least, Evan S. And you know what? I don't want to end this without saying thank you to Sam I. And I won't because I've got to say one more thank you to Melody S. She only got one thank you. And there's also one final thank you for Melissa S. All right. Now you're done. And now I'm done. I also, you know what? And there's also one final thank you for Melissa S. All right.

Now you're done. And now I'm done. I also, you know what? Thanks, Carter S. again. You're going to go double up. I'm going to go double up on Carter S. and Logan C. All right. Well, thank you, guys. I think both those guys were pretty chill.

They deserved it. Hasan R., you only got one thank you, but I do appreciate it. Melissa S., Melanie S., Sam I., Jabari B., Michael R. All you guys are good, too. Thank you, but I do appreciate it. You do not. Sam, I, Jabari B, Michael R. All you guys are good, too. Thank you again. I do want to give one final Carter S. shout out. No. You're just reading the fucking list over and over.

Start the fucking episode, then. The guy give a shit, dude. If you want your name to be read the next time we endorse NatureBox, send us that receipt. Check them out one last time. Free snacks. If I were you show at, no, no, no. NatureBox.com slash if I were you. Thanks, Carter.

Now we can get started with the episode. Thank you, Carter. Please don't worry. Things got really joy. Thank you a lot. I hate you. I hate you. Yeah.

Told I. I'll take you to my podcast app And listen to an hour of you Go ahead and play it, boo So we can hear them too Whoa! You could watch it all day How many minutes? You gonna turn that shit up or make me spill my cup?

Audience rising Okay, let's go to a live show. Gotta hear Jake's talk, though. Already know how. I see a smoke show. I got damn time. I just wanna take her out and have a good time. Gotta text Jake.com.

If I were you, it's a motherfucking bomb. Josh in a mirror. Oh, fuck, I mean Jake in a mirror. Paid $300. Got a billboard. Getting emails. No callers. They're just a bunch of ballers. They're the best thing yet. Call them the best, they can make a girl wet.

Oh wait, mom, mom, stop listening. Stop listening, mommy. Mommy, love you, mommy. Things actually got real. Take you to my podcast app. And listen to it if I were you. Keep playing and never stop. Keep going till you seize the cheese whoa

justin gon calvis gonzalves gon calves g-o-n-c-a-l-v-e-s i'm amir Blumenfeld and I'm hosting Solo. 23 minutes of trying to pronounce. Could be Guillaume Kjelves. Could be Jean Kjelves. The most downloaded episode. It's amazing how many times he's said his last name. It's performance art. Justin Gonsalves. That is a sexy beat.

Oh, that's the Candy Shop? Yeah. That was a Candy Shop parody. Right, right. It's a sexy beat. Oh, that's the Candy Shop? Yeah. That was a Candy Shop parody. Right, right. That's a sexy beat. Oh, because it kind of sounds like belly dancing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's nothing sexier than belly dancing.

Right? Except for the fact that ethnic people always do it. Hi, this is if I were you. It sounds like I agreed with you. And I did it. This guy wanted me to shout out his YouTube channel, which is Sketch Films with a Z for the number and life. Sketch Films for life.

Justin Gonsalves, you do the work and we'll promote your shit. Yeah. Is that fair? Is that good? Is that nice to you? Yeah. You think he based that off the fact that we answered that question about a girl who sang Candy Shop while going down on a guy and he became instantly limp and laughed at her? Right.

And that dude in Justin Goncalves heard that and he was like, I've got an idea. And then he spent the next two weeks in the studio. Yeah. Laying down a track. Yeah. I want to go to a studio. I wish two weeks in the studio. Yeah, laying down a track. Yeah. Do, do, do, do. I want to go to a studio. I wish I had a podcast studio.

Oh, that'd be nice. Yeah. Remember Rec Room? That was, oh, fuck. I miss Adrian Grenier so much. We never met him. Yeah, but sometimes I just, you know, miss him. I miss his hospitality.

You don't have to meet someone to miss them. Absolutely you do. No, I miss Adrian Grenier every day. I guess you can miss a celebrity. You can, right? I miss Sarah Michelle Gellar. Do you? I miss what we used to have.

Yeah, which was what? You watching her a lot? Like, I guess, yeah. Like, I really liked Buffy, and I thought she was really pretty. Did you like Buffy? Well, I think i had a crush on buffy and uh and joey from dawson's creek joey for friends yeah i thought matt leblanc and sarah mitchell together my two big crushes i had like that was the first do you

remember the first um girl you hung on your wall i don't know if i ever hung a girl on my wall really never i had like athletes and comedians i had a poster of butterbean the boxer at one point too well so that was like your wall was decorated with yeah like lakers posters and raiders posters and then like one conan got milk ad really yeah that's pretty funny and what did you put up um chicksicks. Yeah, I made a collage of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Katie Holmes. Oh, yeah. They were hot. They were hot for sure. Yeah.

And who did they end up with? Oh, week two of the year. Still going strong. Yeah. I love that. I'm on the tail end. Yeah. A week in, a week...

Oh, yeah. Let's hope we don't ever trade mics accidentally what about the fact that you're in my bed just coughing up to the sky like you're like a fire the germs are going up and then yeah falling down onto the whole bed like a willow tree like a weeping willow really parading down on us absolutely Absolutely. Like fireflies. Honestly, I've been so sick. You deserve to feel this way too. It's not fair that I should do it alone. How fucking dare you? Yeah. I deserve to be sick because you're sick?

That's correct. Yeah. You think so? Uh-huh. You know how it just wouldn't be fair if one person got AIDS or something? Absolutely it would be. One person had cancer. It wouldn't be fair if one person got AIDS or something? Absolutely it would be. One person had cancer. It wouldn't be fair to that person.

You sort of have to spread it out so everyone deals with the sadness equally. How about making sure everyone's healthy? Instead of making you healthy, your ideal world is me also being sick. I think we should be in it together. I think that sounds nice. What if you're healthy and I'm sick? That's fine. Honestly, that's preferable.

Do you hear how bad that sounds? Well, because one way we're both sick. That's not good. And then one way I'm fine, and that's nice. Absolutely. That's what's going on right now. I'm fine and you're sick. Honestly, I would definitely trade anything to have you be sick.

Even if I could trade anything just for my health, I would trade my health for you to be sick. Even if I didn't have to make you, if I could trade anything just for my health, I would trade my health for you to be sick. You're stuck to an anchor at the bottom of the ocean and you want to drag me down with you. I don't want to be brought to the surface. I want everyone else drowned beside me. No, but also you're saying it would be perfect if we switched.

Yeah, then it'd be nice if I spent some time in the sun. So best case scenario, we're both healthy? Well, best case scenario, I'm healthy, you're dead. Unreal. Unreal. Digging a bigger hole for you. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. And yeah, how would you say this? Like, what would you say the rules are to this podcast if you were to describe it? I guess I would say that people find themselves in sticky situations, and they email us to help advise them out of those situations. What's the email address if you find yourself in your own difficult place? Well, yeah, if you find yourself in a difficult situation, or by the way, if you have a theme song,

you just email ifhowwereyoushow at gmail.com. Oh, that's great. Ask away. So if anybody's listened to the show for the first time, those are the rules. And we apologize for explaining them at the nine-minute mark. Of every single episode. Do you want to hop right into it? I guess why not?

What is this person's name going to be? Oh, people on your wall. Okay. So this is a lady. So this is a real email from a real person. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Jake, what should we call this lady? Jessica Simpson.

Put her on my wall in college. You have a type. Yeah. Heartthrob chicks. Hot tees. Yeah. Girls that are hot. Yeah.

Stupid hot. I have a type. Hot girls are the only things that I like. I have it. Right. Yeah. Stupid hot. I have a type. Hot girls are the only things that I like. I have it. Right. Yeah. Okay. So Jessica Simpson writes, I recently went on my first Tinder date.

Ooh. And it was bad. Oh, no. So bad. I guess it could have been worse because at least the guy wasn't a creep, but still bad. So what happened was that I liked his four pictures, fun enough bio, and after speaking with him for a couple of hours that day, I went over to his place to watch a movie. The guy that greets me at the door looks almost nothing like his Tinder pictures, and I

immediately just want to bail. I see that it's the same guy because he wears the same glasses in his pictures, but his hair is so different, and he's a bit on the heavy side. I'm not a skinny girl, so the extra pounds don't bother me, but his face is so different from the pictures, so they would have to either be really old or are airbrushed. Weird. Anyway, we chat for a bit, choose a movie. He's nice and friendly, but I cannot get over the whole you-don't-look-anything-like-your-profile-picture thing. Then he comes closer and closer on the couch, strokes my hand, and kind of puts his arm around me, and I cringe so bad. I keep my arms crossed over my chest, trying not to give him any encouragement while at the same time trying not to be, but feeling like it, a complete bitch.

I leave as soon as the movie finishes, give him a goodbye hug and a nice to get to know you face. A minute later, he texts me saying he had a great time, blah, blah, blah. So my questions are, how do I better judge a guy's pictures on Tinder so I don't feel like bailing if I decide I want to try this again? And also, should I try this again? Am I being a shallow bitch? I mean, he was a nice guy, but I just wasn't attracted to him like I was the other one, like I was the way he was in his pictures. Should I have tried harder or been more open-minded? More importantly, though, I don't want to be rude or mean. How can I show a guy I'm just not interested in him so that he stops hitting on me or touching me? Please please help i really want to date

and use tinder but i don't want this to happen again it was just so disappointing love jessica simpson wow it was a long email to explain that she had a bad date yeah i fell asleep during the tail end. Well, no. But I say good work. Good on ya. And keep it up. You must have really fallen asleep. I fell asleep at the beginning, dude. Help. Why didn't I just reread it?

We edit this part out. Don't edit this. Just fucking go with it. Well, let me give you the CliffsNotes if anybody else also stopped paying attention. This girl found a guy on Tinder that she she thought was attractive showed up at his house and was like oh no that's not the same guy that i thought i had a crush on right then she held his hand and is afraid she but she still feels like a bitch she's afraid she said the wrong message yada yada yada how could you avoid this happening again major advice number one i feel like we're both thinking

the same thing let's not have the first tinder date be at the guy's house yeah that's a that's a second to fourth date that's like uh oh don't no no no no no no don't do that like a a red a red flag no that's like a what's a dangerous flag that's a that's just a landmine yeah that's bad news it's it's dangerous i would say it's borderline maybe too dangerous yeah you don't know this guy really tinder is like specifically filled with a ton of creeps right so you don't want go to their house even if their pictures look cool and they seem normal. Yeah, anybody can seem normal over text. Yeah, so many murders are like recapped with, he seems so normal.

So first date, good suggestion is public setting. Yeah. Get a drink, perhaps a meal. Right. Coffee. Yeah. Anywhere where like a bunch of onlookers would stop him if he tried to murder you.

Yeah, or hold your hand. Right. Or worse, hold your hand. And that's true, because he feels like it's such an intimate setting for a first date, and he feels like, I think I can hold it. It's almost weird if you don't cuddle a little bit when you're watching a movie. What are you going to do? Just sit there?

Yeah. Hands by your side? Well, another problem is movies are at least two hours. Yeah. So the good thing about a drink date is that a drink can last 25 minutes, and you're like, you know what? It's getting late. Sorry, I don't feel well.

Sorry, someone's texting me. Sorry, I got to go. Right, a million reasons you can leave. You can't do that in the middle of a movie. It's kind of more uncomfortable. You also can't even talk during a movie. So that's insane to me that that's a first date. First dates are where are you from?

What's your relationship to your family? You learn about the other person. Yeah, talk. Just chat. So the setting was bad, and also the idea was bad watching something. Right. And lastly, you're never a bitch if you're not attracted to someone. That's fine.

Yeah, that happens all the time. People put their best pictures online. Right. And when you meet, like 98% of the time. People put their best pictures online. Right. And when you meet, like 98% of the time you meet someone, they're going to look worse. Yes. So yeah, that's a good rule of thumb for this not to happen again. Just know that everyone you're meeting with chose of the like thousands of photos were tagged in on Facebook. Oh yeah.

They found four good ones, which is no matter how ugly you are. You can find four good ones. Four good pictures is pretty easy. Yeah. So just know that they're going to be like uglier than their photos. Sure. So if you're like on the fence, like, oh, this person's all right looking. I guess I'll meet up.

Then they're really unattractive. Yeah. Right off the bat, just know that they're an ugly person. Right. Yeah. I feel bad for saying that they're ugly. But like if you're not attracted to them and you're like sort of trying to get yourself like oh okay i guess they're okay like no you won't be attracted to them so next tinder date one better setting more public space two um

say temper your expectations this guy is probably you know uh not as attractive as photos. And then, now that you are armed with this stuff, you sort of learn the hard way. That's true. Because you went through this date, and worse comes to worse, this guy, or it could have been a lot worse is what I'm saying. Yeah. Well, you could have gotten murdered. Yeah. For example,

you're still alive. So that's good. And that's a positive. Yeah. This guy doesn't seem to have creeped you out. You said it wasn't that creepy. So that's good. that's a positive yeah uh this guy doesn't seem to have creeped you out you said it wasn't that creepy so that's good just held her hand yeah or tried to hold her hand and he kept it full she kept it folded in front of her on the couch oh good that's a cult can you imagine what movie they saw what dry what do you think the worst movie is that they could have seen um lost and found with david spade that's a great film and sophia lorraine yes yeah where he kidnaps a woman's dog and then puts up lost photo like lost dog right or yeah or he says

found dog what is it i don't remember he kidnaps a hot woman's white uh dog and then oh and then she puts up lost photo like oh i lost my dog and then he's like oh i rescued him that's a pretty solid i can't believe that that sounds like a sketch it's an entire movie yeah well spade was hot in the late 90s right um here's another bad movie it could have been um the player what's the player it's with tim rob Okay. I don't remember anything about it other than the fact that I didn't like it when I was 12. I don't remember. I already forgot the name of it. I already just said it. I was asleep.

I feel like you're just tired. Yeah, that might be it. Yeah. Here's another one that would be bad if it was. For Love of the Game. What's that one kevin costner uh baseball movie i liked it but it just wouldn't have been a great movie for them not a great date movie no what about this one what dreams may come oh that would be a nice one it's sort of like a bittersweet movie with starring robin williams so it it's just like this air of sadness to it. Right.

Well, especially because it's about death and suicide specifically. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, that would be a bad first date movie. Definitely. That's pretty heavy. Hashtag bad first date movies. I feel like we're starting some sort of at midnight game.

I feel like a sequel would be a really, really bad one. The second, What Dreams May Come? Yeah, What Dreams May Come 2. What Nightmares Have Happened? Do we have any more advice for this lady or is that it? bad one the second what dreams may come yeah what dreams may come to what nightmares have happened uh do we have any more advice for this lady or is that it um yeah i don't i and i i just want to reiterate that she shouldn't feel like a a bitch for being cold to someone like it's to just not be into them is very normal i guess like i would feel awkward if I was not into them in such an intimate setting. Right.

But that goes with the next time don't go to someone's house that you don't know. Try to put yourself in places where you'll automatically feel comfortable. Yeah. Like a church or a synagogue or a mosque. A restaurant or a bar. You'll feel comfortable and good there rather than a stranger's house. Yeah.

The end. Todah? Todah. By the way, what are your favorite restaurants? That's a nice one. Good on you, Hurwitz. Better wake up. What are you talking about?

He woke up late in the ninth inning, but he pitched three strikes. And you specified restaurant as one of your favorite restaurants yeah i just think like if that's that'll make you feel extra comfy when you choose a rest oh you know what another one a good restaurant i forgot to mention no i don't mean like yeah that's what you did you specified it was she would have chosen one of her favorite restaurants that's not necessarily true at all that's not true you're squeezing my ankle you little fucker you little shit get back here you little turd all right now read the next question bitch how dare you now i have to do it now i am one you've been doing that to me a lot yeah just stuff that i'm gonna do anyway you

use demand that it be done and then call someone a bitch yeah so like we're coming over from the store unlock the door bitch yeah i'm going to unlock the door park the car bitch it's a fun little game for you guys to play with your friends if you really want to be a dick like if the if your house phone rings and someone's about to pick it up you say pick it up bitch and then they do fuck sounds like a john wolf story it's true it's such a global thing to do it is perfectly legal perfectly subtle very enjoyable i haven't heard about global in a bit i guess i've been out of the game. I think he's laying low.

That's actually, I hate that more than anything. Yeah, the fact that you know something's up. Yeah, it's the calm before the storm. Or it's the eye of the storm, maybe. Yeah. We don't know what schemes are in motion. Years sometimes goes into these things. You know what he does is he adds sentences to wikipedia articles just that aren't necessarily wrong they're just like fine so like like there's like

like for example the wikipedia page for pillow yeah he'll go to a paragraph and he'll be like it'll be like types of pillows throw pillows husband pillows and then he'll add one that says novelty pillows pillows in the shape of characters it's not wrong but why add that you're not adding value he's just making things different it's such a freaking global shit you have such a problem with that one to me borderline sounds really okay you think so i mean novelty pillows are a type i guess but like why add that why this is actually what he wanted is us arguing about it yeah now it turns into a thing god i fucking hate that yeah he'll go into my phone you know he'll go into my phone sometimes he'll hack it he'll and he'll do like an autocorrect thing so like one time i for whatever

reason i fucking typed lava like in a text to somebody yeah and it auto changed it to laa va so like it just looked like i did a typo. Yeah, but it's just obscure word. I actually asked him. He said his fingerprint unlocks almost 800 iPhones. Maybe that's why his name is Global. Yeah. He has a skeleton hand. Every time he sees a phone unlocked, he'll match his thumbprint to it. It's crazy.

He's like the universal donor, but much more specific. You can unlock almost any phone. He really is global in that way the global donor uh all right next question uh it's from a guy uh i'll say eddie jones because he'll he was on one of my laker posters nice eddie jones writes hey guys i'm a 23 year old guy there's a subreddit called Dirty Pen Pals. The point is to find people to exchange either short-term dirty message or more elaborate role-play scenarios. There's some weird stuff on there, but that's not what I'm into. Posts that are labeled something like female for male, which means, oh sorry, posts that are labeled like F4M, which means female for male, is a female

looking for a male. A few days ago, I responded to an F4F post without telling the other person that I'm a guy. And it went well, and the other person I was talking with told me that they came for real during the finale of the scene. I thought this would be one night dirty talk deal, but after it went well, she wanted to carry on and do another scenario. While we were discussing what the next scene would involve, she asked me about myself. I think I was vague enough to avoid confirming my gender for certain. It isn't all that easy to find a regular writing partner on r slash dirty pen pals. I think the woman on there must get flooded with messages

whenever they post, so it would be a shame to let this one go. From a couple of comments she made, I think we're probably in different countries, so the chances that it would ever go beyond pen pals is low. I enjoyed our first conversation, but I'm not sure how far I should go in order to keep up this insanely hot dirty talk. I enjoy writing, and my current job involves boring academic stuff most of the time. It's not really a hobby, but writing dirty scenarios is way more fun. Should I keep going? She seems nice, and I really don't want to mess her around,

but it's also really fun. Sincerely, Eddie Jones. Hmm. That is really tough. He's pretending to be a woman on a Dirty Pen Pals. So he can talk to another woman, and he feels guilty. Yeah. Does he think he has to tell the truth? Well, I guess the truth is that the other woman he's talking to is also a guy oh no

does he know that does he know that everybody's saying f for m or f for f or any like it's all m's it's all m and it's all four f's yeah um like a bad report card it's all an m and then four f's it seems like it should be fun even if it is a girl because it's all fantasy right right i just can't imagine like what he's writing to get off is what like he's writing to this girl and he's saying like yeah we're rubbing our vaginas together yeah i wouldn't necessarily think that was that i mean you would want to mention your penis in some of these things, right? Yeah, maybe he could transition to that. Like, oh, can I role play as a guy?

Yeah, that's kind of cool. I feel like, yeah, I wouldn't feel guilty at all. I mean, it's like guilty in a, this is the whitest lie of all. It's totally not harmful. Right. It's just text. Yeah, these chat rooms, nobody is like who they say they are yeah it's all it's fantasy it's an escape that's the idea and i really really do genuinely believe that you're

talking to another man so if you convince yourself of that and then it's like oh we both have this implicit agreement that we're just lying to each other then it's completely fine yeah have you ever done something like this this dirty pen pal thing um have you ever done sex chats yeah when i was like middle school but i would do them with my friends like me and two other dudes would be in one of those chat rooms trying to meet girls so like trying to cyber cyber yeah but like i'm sure we were only cybering with other three dudes. Yeah. Teenagers just fucking each other. It's dude cybering with dudes. That's all it is.

R slash dudes. Can I see a picture of your tits? And they'll send a picture of some random tits from the internet that aren't a real person. Well, they're a real person, but nobody knows. Definitely a real person. Real tits for sure. Absolutely. So it's okay to be lying, because everyone on the internet is lying about their identity. Everyone's lying about everything.

Even, like, your fucking friends on Instagram, they're lying about shit, you know? No, I don't. Yeah, like, you take a picture of some food, and you're like, this is best breakfast ever. But, like, it wasn't really the best breakfast ever, was it? You're, like, taking a picture a picture like oh my my legs by a pool it's paradise but like you're getting sunburned and you're gassy yeah so you're not like that comfortable i've seen you comment on a lot of photos just every like we live in this world where everything's idyllic and the shareability of everything is you it's just tied to this pristine ideal.

I don't stand for it. You do stand for it. I won't have it. And you buy into it, and you do have it. Because it's filtered, and it's cropped. And you know what? Everything. That is, it's filtered, and it's cropped, so it needs to be pilfered, because it's cropped. And stopped.

I'm serious. Yeah. Life doesn't fit in a square, Instagram you have to make shit it exists outside the phone and it's ugly and it's dirty and it's not perfect and i can't double tap it if i like something because because feelings are more complicated than that because i like things and i love things and i hate things and i'm indifferent towards things and i forget about them too so so don't don't minimize my entire experience into a goddamn heart in the lower left hand corner of a screen i'm a human being i'm made of stardust i am alive with a beating heart as he speaks into a microphone for a podcast to be uploaded into somebody else. By my friend.

Someone else can listen to it. I'm going to go to bed after this. Double tap that. You know what? Edit the podcast, bitch. Upload the podcast, bitch. Actually, all of your comments, all of the captions on your Instagram photos are, please give me dap, double tap.

Yeah. All of the captions on your Instagram photos are, please give me DAP, double tap. Yeah. Most of my captions are like my full name so people can find me on Venmo. Just send me money. Yeah. If you like this picture, send me some cash. But for other photos, it's like, are you sure this was your best breakfast ever? Stop bragging about a sunset you saw.

Nobody gives a shit you were on a hashtag beach. Hashtag LA hashtag way to take this photo of your eggs while they got cold loser that's that's like the type of shit i would say right yeah it's like cute little funny stuff no it's not it's very global i channel global a lot on instagram he's actually now calls himself glocal what yeah like a local global hybrid thing yeah he's like because he was spent some time in the south like he's bizarre yeah and it's like there's nothing you can even say or do it just it's just disruptive and it's weird just to get back to the wikipedia thing he updated my wikipedia page what did he write there he changed my birth date from january 18th to Jan period 18th. That's so... Great, Cloakle. Congratulations, Cloakle. You made it a little shorter, a little abbreviated, Cloakle. I appreciate it.

Yep. Pissant. Fucker. Just so, like, my page seems smaller. I don't even fucking get it. I don't know to what end. He was fucking shortening the month. It confounds me.

You can see who does the revisions on Wikipedia pages, and you can trace the IP. I guess he uses a proxy because it's all over the place. You're obsessed, and I think that's actually a problem. I don't know if this is vocal's plan but like i'm actually viewing you as a villain right now what yeah that's exactly what he fucking wanted when he did this is just i'm like very perturbed listening to you talk about it it's like perturbing absolutely and it's really eating away at you in a way that's not healthy and yeah it makes me think less of you, not him

It's kind of like Deflategate It's like just this issue you have to deal with No, I don't have to deal with that issue The Patriots won, go Tom Brady They have an asterisk next to their title No, they do not And the asterisk is made out of three deflated footballs Yeah, you know what?

Well, maybe I'll put an asterisk on the billboard That I'm going to get for you. On top of the biggest building in Los Angeles that just says, Call me Shmuel. Call me maybe. And then in parentheses under that, Shmuel.

Then in parentheses under that, Amir Blumenfeld, henceforth known as Shmuel. A glocal breakduction. All right, let's take a break thank a few more sponsors and then we'll be right right back quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love exactly it's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience.

But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results.

It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote.

Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Hashtag Greenlight Jake and Amir is still going to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you. Squarespace. Hashtag green light.

Jake and Amir is still going strong. wow. Yeah, it is really, really sweet. You know what? Um, let's thank some people that have tweeted.

Let's do it. Oh, that's a great idea. All right. Um, right off the bat. Um, let me just,

of course, a couple. Yeah. John Wolf tweets at you. Yeah. He is, yep. He's absolutely, what's it called, trolling me. Yep. He has a hashtag red light Jake in the mirror.

Andrew Yuren00. Thank you. Hashtag green light Jake in the mirror. Wow. Actually, this person's Twitter handle is at SubtleJohnWolf. Really? Yeah. That's amazing.

So thank you to that guy. Thank you. The Thomas Cohen. Please, please, please hashtag GreenlightJakeNamir. You bet. For anyone that's tweeted at TBSVeryFunny to hashtag GreenlightJakeNamir, thank you very much. Let's read a couple every episode. That'll be a fun little way to keep the ball rolling.

That's a nice idea. TBS tweeted at somebody else today, right? Yeah, they keep tweeting at other people. They find the ones that are not about it. The first person to get TBS to respond to their GreenlightJakeInTheMirror tweet uh should get a prize i don't know what it is wouldn't it have been like somebody big and famous that did it i guess like they'll respond to uh moby yeah won't they respond to moby well they haven't i think the first person to get the response from tbs gets a tv show from us if you know what if if we someday have a show they'll i'll fly them out to

the premiere party if tv has response to them if yeah i mean it's a huge long shot because this green light thing is actually only for us to shoot the pilot yeah like the pilots let's get picked up we have to shoot the sea yeah that'll be a totally different twitter campaign so but whoever if this happens, if TBS, uh, green lights, the show, we get a pilot,

we get a series order. We film it. The premier party. If there is one, I'll fly you out for it. That's a guarantee. Promise. It's written or not written as recorded,

which is better than written. Cause you don't have to fucking read it. It's true. Um, anything else you wanted to say on the break something that came up we're shooting our last eight episodes yeah we shot today holy shit it's happening it is real uh we have about four more episodes to shoot how do you feel uh so far not nostalgic because we still have some to go right but tomorrow like it'll start becoming more real and then friday when we're done with everything we'll have shot our last

jake and me that's fucking crazy to think about that really is fucking crazy i think like the past two days i've just been like almost just like head down yeah get it done know your lines make it funny we've been laughing a lot that's true so it's a good sign and i feel like people will like the idea i hope so the premise yeah which i guess these episodes when do they come out february 17th right on college humor and youtube that's the that's the beginning of the last eight so it'll be like the first one and then seven more after that that's crazy i can't give any any more away no more spoilers just all we can tell you is the amount of episodes yeah i'm

taking a lot of great production stills that's gonna be that are gonna litter my instagram once these videos actually uh reach the internet interwebs but for now we have to keep it hush um all right that's it we want to answer one more question that sounds like a nice plan it's getting late we have more shooting to be done oh don't remind me oh call time early call time tomorrow let's talk about it people uh all right oh here we go one last dude question uh another guy did you have any guys on your wall oh yeah uh freddie prince jr because he was in the background a lot of the sarah michelle geller photos that i had tom delong tom delong writes i feel like tom delong has written into the podcast before yeah he's a

he's a huge fan of the show what does he sound like, um, all the small fiends. Yeah, totally. Oh, right, dude. So y'all are like, oh, fuck, man. Yeah, clink. Okay. So my best friend Ryan and I went to this party where we met a group of girls. One of the girls flirts with Ryan, but by the time we get to the other party,

he ditches her after making out with her because he wants someone hotter to steam up his world. I comfort her and try to cheer her up, and then she kisses me. This is my first kiss, so I feel pretty awesome about it, but here's where things get... They get real. Oh no.

After a week of texting back and forth with the girl Ryan and I see her again, and basically me and her pick up where we left off, but then my roommate gets jealous when she says I'm a better kisser of the two, so he grabs her and starts making out, and one thing led to another, and 45 minutes later she's blowing him in the bathroom. I feel really uncomfortable now, but both act like it's no big deal, and the word bro job, which is basically a girl giving two friends BJs, comes up.

That it's okay for two friends to be blown by the same girl. But I think it's dumb. How would you feel about that? Is Ryan a bad friend? Am I making a big deal out of this? Mucho apreciado. Love, Tom DeLonge. I'm never having children. That's's it this is like what happens now

huh you have kids and you raise these precious angels and by age 15 they're just blowing each other i guess that's just what happens teenagers give blows that it and i want to say like that didn't happen when i was little but maybe i i might have yeah i mean not to me but i'm sure somebody was getting blown it did happen to me oh it did yeah for sure a girl blew you and then blew your friend or kissed you and then blew your friend yeah all that stuff happens yeah an incestual blow circle of sorts have you ever heard of the word term bro job no that's new to me i like the term bro job yeah i like that I like a good pun. I love a good sexual pun. I think the internet's making people better at puns.

When I was little, I feel confident saying there was no puns about this type of shit. At the very least, people had no plays on words about it. So, pun aside. I mean, it's okay. Does this person deserve to be pun-ished? I would probably be pretty annoyed by my friend if I was making out with someone and he grabbed her and started making out with her.

And then she blew him. But then if she blows him, then it's like, I guess that was what she wanted to happen. So I accept my fate. You can still feel bad. But yeah. Especially if it's your first kiss. Your friend was a pretty bad friend in that instance.

I would say he is a bad friend. Yeah, but it's interesting that the girl and him both are like, oh, it's no big deal. It's not like I won't blow you now because I blew him. I'll still blow you. Would you take a second blow, Jay? Yeah, for sure, I would.

If you were kissing a girl and then she just went and blew Dave and then she's like yeah for sure i would if if you were kissing a girl and then she just went and blew dave and then she's like oh i would still blow you oh god i don't think i can get blown after now because dave dave jizzes clam juice that's right you see clam dips it yeah uh i guess it would it would probably depend on the girl in the situation. And the friend. I don't really like to speak in absolutes. Absolutely.

How would you guys feel about that? I feel like I wouldn't be down to, if a girl left me to hook up with my friend, I wouldn't then just take her back. I feel like I got to have a little bit of pride in this situation. Like, no, you don't get to hop around. Right. But pride is interesting because sometimes it just robs you of a good time. pride in this situation like no you don't get to hop around right but like it's interesting pride

is interesting because like sometimes it just robs you of a good time if you are going into this being like oh this is all silly and fun and i don't really care and like that was ridiculous that that happened and it's a couple days later and you're like i want something fun to happen to me and i want a blow job but it sounds like you've already this guy's already made up his mind like i don't like this this is dumb should i be acting differently and the truth is no not if you like feel a certain way yeah but i don't know like hooking up with someone is exciting because it's personal and the fact that it's like happening to everyone else makes it feel a little less exciting and cheapens it almost not to me it's still like wet lips on your penis, and that always feels great.

Yeah. I mean, in a vacuum, like when you put a Hoover vacuum up against your balls, that feels good. Yeah, yeah, as long as you fill the vacuum with Vaseline. But I'm a little bit too neurotic to not be able to distance the fact that this girl just blew my friend. I don't know. There has to be some passage of time. I think it would just be like, this girl isn't the girl that I want to date because this is the way that the situation is unfolding. It's very steamy and strange,

and we're using the word bro job. Also, it's his first kiss. Yeah. So it should be slightly above... So that would be your first bro job your first blow job so i think go with your gut sounds like your gut is wrong personally i don't think that any of this stuff is that big of a deal so i maybe would just get a blow job so uh how would you guys feel about that you said no big deal is ryan a bad friend yes i would say he is if he

took a girl you were you got your first kiss from and he made out in front of you he was like this he didn't like this girl yeah he this this girl was his quote-unquote plan b for the evening it seemed like this guy who got robbed also didn't like this girl oh it sounds like there's not a lot of actual feelings involved it's all just like weird horniness. He was trying to cheer her up because he felt bad for her. Yeah, so he's a nice guy. But this is all horniness. Yeah, well, teenagers are just pure boner hormones.

And that's why I'm saying it doesn't really matter that much. And sure, if any part of you wants to get blown and she still wants to and you think you'd have fun, then do it and it's fine. So is Ryan a bad friend? Yeah, Ryan's sort of a shitty friend. Yeah, that's not a nice maneuver. I mean, he's also a pretty shitty person in general to grab a girl who said he was a bad kisser and start trying to make out with her. I mean, it's just hard to find a good guy named Ryan. I don't think I know a single good ryan yeah ryan's are kind of like cool dirt bags yeah like hey what up i'm ryan that's totally ryan yeah yeah but like you want

a good guy like a really good guy you need a brian or the b makes all the difference really does you know what trust the b know a lot of good Bryans. Yeah. No good Ryans. Any Ryans out there that want to change their shit? You want to switch shit up? Get that B in there, baby. Or maybe even an O.

O'Ryan? Yeah. Imagine that. Fuck yeah. How interstellar is that shit? That's fucking so dope. Hi, my name's Orion. And then you have a belt.

You'll always wear a belt my name's Orion. And then you have a belt. You always wear a belt. Where's Orion's? Can I remove Orion's belt so I can give you a bro job? Oh, very nice. Like that. And then you dip her. You give her the big dipper. And if it's happening to you, it's the little dipper.

Oh, come on. I'm kidding. No, it's... let's end the podcast bitch that's our episode bitch isn't it the episode bitch you have your own questions or uh theme song submissions of your own we start and end every episode with a custom-made song written by our talented fans the opening one was from Justin Goncalves. John Calvis? Goncalves? John Salviaz.

And the closer is from Alex Rao. So thanks, guys, for writing in. Thanks, guys, for sending in your theme songs. Oh, we also want, we need your thumbnail submissions. If you have a piece of artwork that we can use on our Facebook page, every time we upload an episode, we try to have a thumbnail for the show. So if you're talented in that regard, send us your graphics to ifireadyshow at gmail.com.

Ideally 600 by 315, but we'll take what we can get. We've been running low on those, so send them if you got them. And we'll be back on Monday. Is that it? That's it. Gracias. Gracias to Goncalves. Later. guitar solo They got a show that seems to me Provides us advice and subtleties

Of bullying, insults and laughter all at me I write them into the podcast show. They answer my questions as if they were bros. But if they talk too long, they'll probably make me cry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, My parents are lame and my girlfriend sucks My friends on my phone and I'm out of luck I kill the cat, I'm being chased by birds And I think I love my barista.

I email them in when I'm trying to cope and when they answer me back. I pray that the answer that I get is practical and hashtag dope. Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you