Segments - 134: Toothbrush

Episode Date: February 9, 2015

In this episode we discuss proms, raps, and apps. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, Squarespace.com, and Berries.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. I'm Jake and I'm here. You know who that is. Sky Buck. Justin Gonsalves. The guy from the last episode. Justin Gonsalves. Back to back rap parodies.

Wow. Back to back rap, tap, tat, tat, go tappity, tap, tap. So you see how hard it is to make raps. I was nailing it. Back to back, rat-a-tat, go tap tap tap tat tat tat it's pretty good right up until you rhymed uh rat-a-tat with tat tat app tat tat like you just kept on going with that uh i gotta i gotta wait how did it start back to back back to rat-a-tat, got a Judd Apatow appetite. Oh.

Is that what you said? No, no, no. This is just me making it up right now. This is how I write. Got it. Words that sound similar. So I got a back to back, rat-a-tat, got an Apatow appetite, and it ate tight. I got an appetite for Apatow movies.

Appetite for Apatow. Right. Apatow, Appetite, Appetite for Apatow, Apples, Apples, Apples fight.

So I got Appetow, Appetite, Apples fight, pure delight. Nice. Yeah. And that's our time. Do it just to piece it all together.

It's back to back rat attack got an appetite for apatow apples fuck who do you think I just want you to know that even if you nailed it it wouldn't have been good it's like my degree of difficulty was so low even a perfect score wasn't good

acing it was failing acing it was failing it acing it was failing it uh covalent uh covalent bonds are uh acing it was failing it embracing it is nailing it oh that's really good so acing it was failing it it, is nailing it. Oh, that's really good. So, acing it was failing it. Embracing it is nailing it. Yeah. And then one more. But lacing shit is sailing with. I can do two, I can't do three.

Still more than you. So, I really like acing it was failing it, embracing it is nailing it. Lacing shit with sailing wit. With sailing wit. Lacing it, let's try to think of something better than lacing it. Okay. Acing it is failing it, embracing it is nailing it. Racing? No.

With racing? Racing lit? Like literature about racing. with racing racing lit like literature about racing so racing lit racing lit uh how about um what's um impaling impaling i really want to rhyme it with shit. Impaling shit? Yeah. Racing lit impaling shit. Acing it is failing it. Embracing it is nailing it.

Racing lit impaling shit. We got it. The third line was the best. Racing lit is impaling shit. You know that about racing literature. Jeff Gordon wrote an autobiography that was 100% impaling everything. It was not ghostwritten. It was real.

Yeah. Oh, we have to give him a shout out. Justin Gonsalves' sketch group is Sketch Films for Life. I don't know what his videos are like, but his rap is very enjoyable. It's cool. How about F okay so nailing it acing it is nailing it no i acing it is failing it embracing it is nailing shit so facing it is facing it is wailing right wailing wailing wailing clits wailing clit yeah oh that's cool so it's like is it a whaler's clit yeah exactly right a hartford whaler's clit wow yeah so it's about the defunct hockey team's vagina that's why that okay, so we really gotta move on. We're on the third verse

of this song at this point. Not the third verse, just the third rhyme. Oh, shit. How do verses work? It would be one, I think, like, if we did enough of those, it'd be one verse. Oh, so, like, a minute of that is a verse. Yeah, yeah. But that's not bad. Like just started right and it's and it's already pretty good except for the third rhyme yeah so we have two of the three how many rhymes in a rap what if you google that can we talk to eminem if you google that you can never be a rapper how many rhymes are in one rap a uh kendrick your album's really good but um how many rhymes do you think you have in a rap we saw your google search you were searching how many rhymes in a rap searched words words that rhyme with gun at one point you went to rhyming dictionary.com kendrick do you think any rapper

has ever used a rhyming dictionary i I think you can't resist the urge. It feels so good. What if Eminem, he just found his phone and all his entire search history was just rhyming dictionary words? Would you lose respect? I mean, he's still fast. Yeah. But would you lose respect for him? That's a funny vine is a guy going up to eminem and his is uh his computer is on rhyming dictionary and he slams it shut really quickly

and goes hey dude what's up and then like they they focus it they zoom in and they focus and it's that he was what's it called the rhyme zone or something i'm zone yeah and it should be for a word that was that's really really easy. He was trying to rhyme with time. You know what's a good Kendrick Lamar rhyme? Tell me. Just that we're on the topic of good rhymes. Yeah. That's analogy and metaphor for you.

I should win a medal for all the ways I adore you. That is, yeah, that's very your style. Yeah, it's not like A-A-B-B. It's sort of like a wave it flows it's a wash yeah um we have to start the show we really it's crazy this is brought to you by the books you're going rogue and that's not how the show starts you're making you're making it up you're making up the order the ad do you think if i just say extra ads will get paid more absolutely not like i don't know who's who is actually sponsoring this episode uh i believe nature box um squarespace

okay yeah so nature box and squarespace if i just and sherry's berries all right so if i just started talking about mott and bow yeah would we never no i couldn't invoice them you could not no absolutely not you guys everybody needs pants you know okay you're not i might just throw in some ads throughout this episode to try to get me some extra money. Then you're just going to send it? Oh, and you want the cash yourself? Yeah, I'll email Slugbooks and I'll say, Hey guys, I actually ended up talking about you a bit on the podcast.

Can I have money for that? The subject of the email is cash? Venmo. Then the MP3 of this episode and timestamps. They realize I just said it once as a joke. Mr. Mark Venmo, then the MP3 of this episode and timestamps. They said they realized I just said it once as a joke. They still pay you $15. Dope.

That's actually not bad. I've seen a lot worse. Nice. All right. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet that starts at the 11 minute mark. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. People who are in desperate need of our help for whatever reason will email us at ifireashow at gmail.com and this is the show where we offer that advice. Sometimes it's just me and Jake. And sometimes we have a special guest. Kobe Bryant, get over here. Kobe, take the third.

That's him dribbling the ball. All right. He doesn't want to talk. He just wagged his finger at me and he smiled. It's because he had that shoulder surgery. Yep. Yeah, he's resting. One day we'll get him to speak.

All right. We need a guy's name for this first email. Real emails from real people going gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity um Saul Saul writes hi guys I'm from Australia and about a week ago I was invited to a school formal by a pretty girl without knowing what a formal even is I said yes by the time I looked it up I was sadly too late I've already paid the $250 and was registered. Then she invited me to a party slash sleepover. Being too shy and nervous, I said yes again.

Little did I know it was with her 12 hot friends and their hot dates. And later, after some more investigating, I found out you have to buy a girl a corsage. What the fuck is a corsage? And then after some more investigating, I found out a lot of alcohol is going to be present at the after party. I haven't been near a girl since I was 13, let alone going to a formal in a fucking limousine and staying in a house full of half-naked drunk girls. Here are my questions. How do I get past this situation? What's a corsage? How do I slow dance? Should I bring a toothbrush or is that uncool?

Thanks, guys. P.S. They're from a different school and a year older than me. What's the problem? The problem is this guy does his investigating a little too late in the game always. He's just saying yes to shit. And then he's like, I actually investigated and a formal is a dance. And then I investigated more. I think he's doing some unnecessary, like he should have just learned this.

There's no reason that you should investigate what a formal is. I don't even think you should investigate what a corsage is. Yeah, well, it's not really. If he investigated to the point that i need a corsage that's when he stopped the investigation and just asked us he still doesn't know i think he's kind of a lazy investigator he's a lazy eye um should we should we try to answer these questions one by one i just want to lambast him a little bit more. All right. You're upset because the girls are going to be hot?

Yeah. That's a problem? How do I get past this? Yeah. How do I get... By the way, he spelled, how do I get P-A-S-S this situation? How do I get past this? So let's make fun of his grammar a little bit.

And he mentioned they were half naked. Why? For what reason? In his brain. At what point in his investigation did he find out that they would just be half naked? I think when he was just daydreaming about this party. I think one of the problems is this situation has gotten the best of him. It's definitely gotten away from him.

He's in his head. Yeah. And in his head is 12 half naked girls. His investigating has abruptly stopped and is imagining he has taken over. What is half-naked, by the way? Like, is a bikini

more than half-naked or is that half-naked? Or do you have to be topless for it to be half-naked? I feel like when I imagine half-naked, it's like... Topless.

I don't know. Well, the first thing I thought of was girl in a t-shirt or tank top, no bra and underwear. Oh. So like pants off, underwear, tank top, no bra. Like the sexiest pajamas you can imagine. Oh, so you're still not seeing boobies or vajay. No. It's all left to the imagination.

So isn't that entire... Oh, so it's not... Oh, okay. Because I was thinking like... It's not entirely closed. If you had a wife and she was parading around in tank top and underwear, no bra, with a bunch of dudes, I think you would say you're half naked. This is what I was thinking about, half naked. Starting from the bottom

up now we're here yeah ugg boots skinny jeans and that's it so you're thinking like the literal yeah the halfway point half of the hemisphere of her body the top half is completely nude i think when you say half naked it's like it means scantily clad, like close to being fully nude. Yeah. So it's like things removed from the top and things removed from the bottom. Yeah. But you're not actually like naked at all. No part of you is nude.

Like in your scenario, the chest is nude. Yeah. So you wouldn't say half naked. You would say fully nude from the waist up. That's half naked to me. But that's what my definition of the sexiest a girl can be ugly boots yeah pants no nothing about the hottest a girl could be is wearing pants and that's right pants and boots half naked is almost sexier than naked yeah but i would rather have bottomless

than topless oh really for sure so you'd rather have turtleneck, spaceman helmet, and then everything below the waist is just open for biz? Honestly, I was so turned on just by thinking about a girl in no pants and a turtleneck that I almost missed the space helmet joke. I think that's maybe the hottest a girl could look is wearing a hoodie and nothing else. Really? Yeah. Not even underwear yeah no oh

interesting for whatever reason when i think of what the sexiest is i think of pants and no top it's because you're a boob man i'm an ass man i'm an oil man but i'm also a boob man this is my son yeah uh all. So moving on from that. A corsage is a flower that you pin onto your date. Or I guess they come in their little wrist corsages. Maybe that's what you. Oh, yeah. Corsages around the wrist and a boot in the ears.

Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. So there's like a little. Do you remember buying your first corsage? That's a weird thing that you have to do, right? As like a 15 year old, you have to buy a flower wrist thing. Which is weird responsibility because it's just like, mom, you have to take me as like a 15 year old you have to buy a flower wrist thing which is weird responsibility because it's just like mom you have to take me to get a corsage right i have to put put it on this i think i remember like junior prom i called and i ordered it yeah oh

yeah you have to like go the same place you got your tuxedo or something no i like it was a flower oh right uh what's it called a florist a florist so yeah i would call and i put on hold and then my mom drove me and i went in with her and we got so it comes in a little like plastic salad yeah the same thing they use at salad bars yeah just like okay now i've got got a live bracelet flower, and I'll drive it to your house and put it on your wrist, and this is all a fine tradition. The agreement is done. Everyone still thinks this is good and normal.

And now for the ceremonial, our parents paying for the limousine that we all drive in for no reason. We can't get drunk, so we're just sort of hanging out in a limousine. Did you get drunk at age 15 at a formal uh yeah it's tight me too no you didn't i didn't dick wow i didn't have to press you at all to come clean on that uh how do i slow dance you is this to put your hands on a girl's hips and she puts her hands on your shoulders? Yeah. I think slow dancing...

I mean, don't worry about that. That's pretty easy and straightforward. And I also don't think they play it like... I don't remember there being a lot of slow dances at prom it's not like four hours of slow dance it's like mostly regular dancing and hanging out and that was such a huge did you have like a huge like turning point in your life where like parties became like not bowling and arcade but like dancing and then the slow dancing was a thing and i'm like holy shit i have to like ask a girl to slow dance like hope this is like like really forcing me

through puberty at an age i wasn't comfortable with it yet did you have to ask girls to slow dance i never did because i was like too embarrassed and scared but like all the cool kids would slow dance at these parties and i was like 12 years old it was like sixth grade and like all of a sudden people were not having parties at fucking chuck e cheese anymore they were having like slow dancing parties yeah i used to throw the slow dancing party it's so it was crazy i'm like what is going on at the same time everyone just instantly decided to have dancing parties and slow dancing was a thing and then the guys had to ask a girl to slow dance i think that was just because we didn't realize like grinding is clearly better you know like real dancing that didn't realize, like, grinding is clearly better. You know, like real dancing.

That didn't happen until later, did it? Sixth graders are not grinding. I don't think I was. This was the predecessor. But like when you're 12, like touching a girl on the hips. Oh, yeah, when you're 12, yeah. So that's the max. Yeah.

It's like everybody just like runs around and jumps to other songs. And then there's a slow dance. Oh, fuck. I got to touch someone. And then there's a slow dance. Like, oh, fuck. I got to touch someone. Yeah. And like, that's exciting. Right. I remember doing that.

And I remember like going to bed after a party. It's just like still wired and still just being like. Still hard. Just like, holy shit. So much happened to me. I danced with her and her. Oh, and these two danced and those two danced. And dancing. I mean, I used to love it.

Yeah, and I used to be frightened by it. I still love it. Now you love dancing. Yeah, that's true. I've finally gotten over it 20 years later. Can you imagine, like, the way we dance is heavy bass, hip hop, and you're, like, pressing your body into a girl and gyrating. Yeah.

And, like, if all of a sudden that music screeched to a girl and gyrating. Yeah. And like, if all of a sudden that music screeched to a halt and it was just a slow song, wouldn't you be upset? Like, oh, I have to stop grinding my dick into you. Now I have to just like take a step back and slowly sway side to side and

spin in a circle. That'd be amazing. We just start playing red, red wine. Red, red wine. Red'd be amazing. We'd just start playing Red Red Wine. Red Red Wine. Red Red Wine.

I think I'd like it if Casey and JoJo's All My Life played at the next bar that we danced at. That would be fun. Yeah. That's like a fun theme for a dance party. It's like a 6th grade dance party. Slow dance. Yeah. That's a cool name for a band. Slow dance.

I feel like somebody has a band called that, actually. Slow dance? Maybe so. Just an idea. And then last, and certainly not least. Wait, we didn't tell them how to slow dance. Oh, just see what the other people are doing. I don't know how people are doing it in Australia.

It doesn't matter. Just put your hands around their waist. They'll put theirs on your shoulder, and you just side to side, spin to side spin in a circle let it lead yeah try not to get motion sick you're fine the last step the last real question is should i bring a toothbrush you should be worried about like the fact that you don't know the entire group of people don't worry about how to slow dance and what a court like i'm cool with you being stressed out about this having anxiety is good but you are being dumb you're scared and you're worried about like uh sure do or don't bring a toothbrush that's all everything's gonna work out i guess do yeah is it cool is it uncool to bring a toothbrush if you're bringing a bag in general

which i guess you probably would because you don't want to be sitting in your tuxedo all night through the after party and stuff so maybe you'll bring pajamas yeah pack the toothbrush in the bag and if an opportunity arises to brush your teeth that's fine and if not your toothbrush will just stay in the bag i wouldn't just go into the party waving the toothbrush around and say does anyone have any paste i want to partake in the fun and games but first i i need to i need to paste my teeth i'm paceless i'm paceless tasteless deaf and dumb y'all are half naked huh not me i'm fully clothed turtle neck up boots down this i remember being like, every, I went to,

my senior year, I went to maybe like seven or eight proms. How? Because I had a lot of friends at different schools and I was like, some people's backup dates in case they didn't get asked. Like just friends of mine that like went to all girls schools or something.

So you went, you rented eight tuxedos? I think I actually ended up that year buying a tuxedo. Yeah. Ultimately cheaper. Of course. Uh, of course.

But the, there were a lot of like, it was sometimes really fun. And then sometimes a little stressful because if you don't know anybody's friend group, like if I went to prom with somebody who was like... We'll call it promenade. We don't have to be so like abbreviating it.

If I went to promenade with someone... If I promenaded with... And they had their own group of friends and they were like ignoring me, or even for a little bit. Even if 30 seconds went by and nobody asked me a question, I would kind of...

I would honestly, I would start brushing my teeth in the middle of the dance floor i didn't know what else to do i don't know how else to get their attention they're promenading my teeth are fucking dirty as hell so my advice to you is as early on as you can start making some friends because inevitably your girlfriend's gonna want to spend some time with her friend, or this lady's might go away from you, and you don't want to be like some weird oddball not talking to anybody. Yeah. So find some dude friends as soon as you can.

That's my advice that you didn't ask for, but all of your questions were dumb. Would you say embracing it is nailing it? Actually, I would, and I would say that acing it? Actually, I would. And I would say that acing it is failing it. Wow. But if you're not facing it, then you've just bailed on it. Oh, that's good. Bailing it.

But I don't know how to do it. We're getting closer. Yeah. All right. This is like an epic question multi-parter for sure right so it took us right to the break so let's thank a few more ad sponsors some real ones not the ones that you just make up hopefully thank you slug yeah yeah thank you thank you 20 jeans oh wow old school i love it uh all right we'll be right back on the other side of this break. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Welcome back. Welcome back. Harlem's back. I know you love that. What were you saying about a terrible prom event? Oh yeah

Before one of the proms that I went to I was Shaving With like a real razor And I nicked my Like right where my Mustache meets my lip And I don't know what the fuck

But it didn't stop bleeding for two hours you're a hemophiliac that night i was like it would not stop bleeding and for whatever reason your blood would just not coagulate no yeah it would not and my date for that prom was so mad because like we were taking pictures it was i didn't really know any of these people there were like literally like at least 30 couples just like so many people and we took pictures at like two different locations that was another like even bigger than prom was just all the pictures you had yeah take. Yeah. A lot of photos. And I was just like, I had a blood soaked paper towel,

just like in between every picture, just like trying to dab it off to the point where you're like, it wouldn't show up in these photos. But what happened to those photos? Never again. Do you ever see any? I never saw one of them, but I'm sure I was bleeding in them.

And like at the part where like eating the free dinner or not free dinner you pay for just eating dinner at at the prom venue it was still bleeding never stops you're still bleeding i'm still bleeding to this day yeah it's crazy it is it's nuts i think it's illegal yeah it's it's I'm breaking the law by having a cut. How bloody you are. What else? We shot our last Jake and Amir episode ever on Friday. Yeah, that was cool. And then, all right, let's get to the next question.

Zero time, zero emotional effect. Has it hit you that we're never going to shoot another jake namir episode ever uh not presently it hit me a couple times during the shoot yeah throughout the week i would have like moments of like holy shit you know but right now i don't feel anything right because we're not missing it yet. Yeah. Oh, we shot eight episodes and then we just take a few weeks off and then soon we'll be able to write more. But we're just never going to write more. And there's work to be done still.

Like I'm thinking about how they'll look and editing them and posting them and all that stuff. And how they'll turn out. Yeah. So I'm still thinking about the Jake and the Mirror work. Right. But I guess when that's gone, I don't know, then it might be too late and it won't hit me maybe it'll never hit me that's the ideal that's when you're like when you break up with someone you're like yeah maybe we'll stay friends it's like that way i don't have to deal with a loss the extreme loss right and then you

just don't become friends yeah and then you think back later on, you're like, oh, everything's good. But if you knew then when you broke up, it's like, oh, we will never see each other. Yeah. Can we stay friends? Probably not. I think we'll be out of each other's lives. Well, I'm sure I'll still get to like, talk to your parents from time to time. Okay, good. Yeah, I do. I've like gotten close with your family. So I want to keep that tie. Like, no, never again. I do. I've gotten close with your family, so I want to keep that tie. They're like, no, never again, of course. I wonder in the world of psychology if that's an understood and defined coping mechanism that people do. It must be.

Where you say, oh, don't worry, we'll do this soon, maybe. Yeah, it's like saying, I'll be right back or I'll see you soon instead of goodbye forever. Right. Like, no, no, no, I'm still going see you soon don't worry yeah let's hang out let's keep in touch is that how you feel about jake namir uh yeah i was like oh it's well i'm not done yet because i'm gonna have to edit it and then it's like when it's on when i'm editing i'm like oh it's not done yet i still have to post it online so maybe like when we post the last episode but it seems like all the all the fanfare of like the last shot and saying that's a wrap and yeah it was cool because the last thing we shot is the last part of the last episode yeah that was very thoughtful of our producer yeah if it worked out like that on purpose or shout out

to jillian jess shout out to jill Jesk. A shout out to Jillian Jesk. But that was really nice. And our coping mechanism is the hashtag green light Jake and Amir campaign, which is like, oh, we still might have a TV show. So we can't say goodbye forever yet. Yeah, Jake and Amir's on life support, but it's not dead. Yeah, exactly. Tweets still coming in.

We still appreciate it. I don't know if TBS is seeing any of it. Well, they recently stopped responding to the tweets that were coming in. Just kidding. They never responded to one to begin with. You know what I wanted to do? Do you know the YouTube personality iJustine? Yes.

So she follows us on Twitter. And she tweeted something. And TBS responded to her. just like out of the blue she was like does anyone have a playlist for something and then tbs responded oh like does anyone have a happy playlist for songs or something like that and tbs responded to her and just out of the blue because like she's like this huge youtube personality and said made some joke like no but we have a sad playlist or something to that effect and then i thought it'd be great if she responded to all right now that i have your attention hashtag green light

jake and we're so maybe that's the way to get into tbs so like we we don't like the cold tweets are coming in at a great rate we've gotten probably close to 10 000 of those if we can get someone that they've now we're asking for people to just troll them no not troll i need people who tbs already is responding to right so they're like hey like hey great oh back-to-back family guys i love it thanks tbs and then they respond and then it's like tbs says like oh glad you love it and then you respond to that it's almost like gotcha journalism the problem is i was too like i didn't want i didn't want to go there i didn't want to like ask this i justine lady for a favor right though she does in theory know who we are because she follows us on twitter yeah maybe we should ask her also also just us tweeting at tbs which i

know we've like technically done we've've retweeted people. Yeah. And we, I wonder like next step could just be us tweeting like, Hey, at TBS, very funny. Wondering if you saw, you know what it is,

even if they are seeing it and they are discussing it, like they can't possibly tweet anything about it. Right. Like, what can you do? Like, Hey, we're still making it like this social media manager is not in charge of making the

decision yeah kevin riley's still reviewing scripts i think i'm an intern stop tweeting at me you're inundating my feed but at the very least people at tbs are aware of how loyal and passionate and awesome our fans are so So we do appreciate it nonetheless. That's really sweet. Regardless of what happens, we are very flattered. I'm actually honored. I was thinking recently, I wonder if anything will come of it. And then I realized that this is the best thing.

This is the result. This is it. This is what came of it. It's great. So it's already happened. It's already good. We already feel great, regardless of what happens. We won.

Honestly, I don't even want a TV show anymore. Well, if it happens, that'll be an even bigger bonus. Honestly, I think it'd be kind of cool if it didn't. It's like the end of the movie where the shot floats up. Basketball. That's how little you know. The shot floats up. yeah yeah so the ball the spherical ball yeah the orange orb and and it doesn't go in it bounces off and you think oh no they lost but then you

realize no they've come so far they've got so much support yeah the journey that was the story yeah the ends the ends aren't more important than the means yeah the destination was not important it was the journey the journey life's about the journey not the destination that's what i say so we're winning the destination i think so um but fuck it'd be so cool to have a show okay that's fair at the same time i want to be on tv i just want to be on tv and let loose but i can't and yet it's cool if tom green humps a dead moose my bum is on your lips my bum is on your lips and if you're lucky i might just give it a little kiss and that's the message we deliver to little kids do you want to answer one last question before we run out of time completely?

What a ridiculous show. We only answered one question. I know, but it was so in-depth. And we wrote a half of a verse of a rap, which took up a bunch of time as well. Yeah. Let me try to find a good one for the last one. Oh, here we go. I need a guy's name.

Another confused gentleman. Mike. Mike writes, So I downloaded Tinder about two weeks ago based on your suggestion. I swipe every day for half an hour, if not more. My problem is that so far I've had a grand total of seven matches. One was a bot and two were immediately unmatched, and the other four haven't responded to a single one of my message.

I even liked one of their moments. Should I give up? I originally downloaded this app to boost my self-esteem, and it's not working. I need Jake's expert Tinder opinion. Tinder's not for everybody, bud. You must be an uggo, a fuggo, or a lame loser. So I do advise you delete the app.

Trade in your iPhone for a Crackberry. And what does that do? Why downgrade? Why change the phone? I think you need a Crackberry. I really do think you need a Crackberry of yourself. I'm a Crgberry of myself. See, that's a joke we can never use in a video now.

Right. Yeah. I think that, oh, that happened when we were shooting. Like, you were doing some other bit, and I was like, ha, we should do this in an episode. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Never another episode. Here's my suggestion for this guy.

Yeah. Shuffle your pictures. Change it up. I've had more success with some pictures than others. Yeah. And I've gone through two weeks where I've matched with seven people, even less. So for sure, change up your pictures. Find a girlfriend of yours and ask her to choose.

That's always pretty helpful. Lady friends know what pictures are most attractive like half hour every day in my prime i would swipe for close to three hours all right all the time in my heyday every waking moment if you're if your phone isn't swiping so if you're not swiping so often that you're getting legit glass shards in your finger... Like a what? Like a splinter? I'm talking about your screen should be splintering into your fingers.

That's how hard you need to be swiping. Oh, you think the hardness of his swipe isn't enough? I just mean, like, wearing it down... The frequency. Yeah. Don't like the track on your phone. I want you like into the

goddamn circuit boards. That's how much you need to be swiping. The friction should create heat that'll melt the glass. Yeah. So much so that your finger is starting to penetrate the phone itself. Do not stop. Do not slow down. Keep on swiping. Keep on swiping. Do not pass down. Keep on swiping. Keep on swiping. Do not pass go.

Yeah. Can I recommend, one, I recommend taking pictures, switching up the photos, because that makes a huge difference. Two, can I recommend a different app? Yes. There's another app called Hinge, which gives you people that are already in your friend network. It limits to how much you can swipe per day but it's at least it's a higher quality i feel like in terms of the richness of the people presented to you it's not complete strangers it's friends of friends so maybe we can give hinge a

little we've we've shouted tinder out for you know close to two years now i think we can start uh promoting some of their uh competition yeah because that's how apps get better but also like it's it's not like you would delete tinder to download hinge you know just you should just like if you're single i think people should just have all these yeah i was thinking about that hinge okay cupid the league there's this new app i found called the league where it's like tinder but you have to be accepted into it because it like only accepts quote-unquote high quality app ivy league tinder yeah and so i'm like oh maybe i would get into the league so i downloaded it and it asked for your linkedin page as a reference how dare they you're so successful that you don't need a linkedin i want you to be my friend on linkedin you should write them and just be like hey i don't

have a linkedin but i'm a famous comedian i ain't got a linkedin i got a wikipedia page hello hello dial tone that could be a great episode of jake and amir that will never rate is me desperately trying to get into the league yeah yeah i just love the name so much it's so pompous and snobby um you haven't been accepted to the league uh i'm sorry your linkedin profile isn't cool you want a tinder date and she's talking like yeah no i've been trying online dating for a while i have tinder hinge the league you're in the league um yeah give me your phone you get one invite let go of this coward ass uh i was saying earlier that i was thinking like it's it makes sense to just cast a wide net uh like just have these things running in the background of your life right but at which

point is it either sad or counterproductive? Like, would you recommend me getting all those apps? I guess it's only, I mean, yeah. And then I wouldn't recommend you like constantly using all of them. But like, I would recommend you getting them and seeing which ones you like. Like, do you use Hinge? Yeah, I use Hinge.

Has it been successful? Have you met up with anybody from it no tinder you use that's a little more successful yeah okay cupid you said you dislike entirely yeah i use it the least um and you wish you could get on the league what about j swipe that's another one what do you what are your thoughts on j swipe i would probably download it just to see what's gucci just to see what's what i guess my biggest fear is someone looking at my phone and seeing that i have nine hooking up apps yeah i'm in the league it's like that thing we did i'm a grinder tinder j swipe j league okay cupid okay stupid you porn j you porn i'm in j the league just just nine girls my mom tries to set me up but uh you don't think it's a little bit shameful to be like i i would think i would have to start getting rid of some before I add more. I don't think it's shameful for sure.

If anything, I would maybe just like, because I wouldn't want all of those alerts coming into my phone if I didn't use certain apps and if I wasn't having any fun with them, I would delete them. But I don't think there's anything wrong with casting a wide net, especially if you're trying to break into the dating scene.

And it sounds like he is, and this dude hasn't had any success with Tinder, so maybe it's just like you're not the kind of guy that can convey all the great things there are about you in a single image. Maybe you need a profile where people can

realize that they're compatible with you. Right. So try one of these other sites, or apps or whatever's. Yeah. Try one of the other whatever's. But don't stop swiping. Would you say keep calm and swipe on? That's our time.

You do have that poster above your bed. Keep calm and swipe on so is that a tinder slogan i think yeah like if you like look at their like thing or like their uh i was on their twitter page once and it's just like people being like hey i haven't matched with anyone hey i'm complaining about this they're always like keep calm and swipe on. So funny. Remember when I lost all my Tinder matches and I almost had to like, I felt bad, but I had to complain to Tinder. And did they restore your matches? No, they all went away. Really? One day I just lost them all.

What happened? I don't know. For whatever reason, my account was deleted. But I was like, I emailed them once. I'm like, yeah, try logging out and logging back in. I'm like, how far down the Angry Birds and Rabbit Hole? Do I reply now and be like, no, I'm serious. I really, really don't have my matches.

The man who fought Tinder and lost. I sued Tinder for my matches and they won. And you spent a lot of money on legal fees. Good thing I'm in the league. All right, that's our time. Thanks to everybody that's written in. We'll get to more questions next time. If you have your own question

or your own theme song submission, like Justin Goncalves or the closing theme song by Simi Apti, send those theme song submissions as well to, if I read your show, at gmail.com. We also need your thumbnail submissions. A lot of good art coming in. Ideally 600 by 315, but we'll take what we can get.

Keep those coming as well. I wanted to thank some people who wrote, or who tweeted. We're going to try to keep thanking people that have hashtag green light, Jake and Amir tweeted. Oh, uh, so thank you to, uh,

your mom. Oh, my mother. Yes. She's been tweeting a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

Michael or Mitchell Cermak, uh, Andrew, you're in zero, zero and the blue media hat at the blue media. Michael, or Mitchell Cermak, AndrewUrin00, and TheBlueMedia, at TheBlueMedia, which almost should be my Twitter name. BlueMedia? Yeah, because it's sort of my last name.

Oh, yeah, that's pretty good. So thanks for tweeting. Keep the tweets coming. We really appreciate it. And I bet TVS is going to crack. They're going gonna have to like the walls of jericho enough tweets and we definitely get the show that's it's definitely twitter based we we know that for a fact uh no bonus thursday episode for the first time in

several weeks so we'll be back on monday see you guys soon ad. Tell me something I need to hear On if I were you With Jake and Amir If you have a problem That's hashtag nope They'll take it and they'll Make it hashtag dope And if you are wondering

If you should eat ass Maybe you should know that jake would crack to clit and if you need someone to do the math um here's the one you should believe in email if i were you show that gmail gmail g, gmail, gmail, gmail, gmail, gmail.com Get your advice and please don't Kill your, kill your, kill your, kill yourself At a local Starbucks, local Starbucks Ooh, mama turn it down Cause ooh, Shit is getting real

Mama, turn it down Cause Shit is getting real Real Yo, what up everybody? It's Vinny Guadagnino. You remember me from the Jersey Shore. Well, I've got a new podcast. It's called Get Into It with Vinny G. That's exactly what we're doing. We're getting into it with my celebrity friends,

with you guys. We're getting into pop culture. We're going to talk sports, politics, food, comedy, dating, relationships. It's the Jack of all Trades, Master of None podcast. Just like me. It's fun. It's silly and you should definitely get into it. So download, get into it with Vinny G now at iTunes and at podcastone.com.