Segments - 135: Attraction (with Laura Hurwitz!)

Episode Date: February 16, 2015

Jake's mama joins us to discuss protesting, parents, and her new novel! This episode is brought to you by BlueApron.com, MeUndies.com, and TaxAct.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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It supports us. It supports them. Blueapron.com slash If I Were You. Alright, let's get this episode started. Very exciting one. Your mommy was on. I love my mother. She was great on this episode. She's insightful, and she's

wise. She's wise beyond her years. Yeah. And she made you, so how bad could she be? Yeah. That was maybe the highlight of her life, making me. All right. Let's get started. Thank you, Mommy.

Things luckily got real. I love you, Mom. Enjoy. You're the best. Bye-bye. Mommy! Guess who's here? Jake and Amir To help you with your life

So you don't have to worry, friend They'll give you free advice If I were you Show.com Where things always get real. The answers to your sticky sitch, they surely will reveal. So press play, but skip the ads. Listen to some constructive criticism.

But beware, sometimes it can feel like destructive cynicism. If I Were You Show.com If I Were You Show is here for you to download and it's really hella dope that was Roger McGee his name was Roger? pretty great, he sings like an angel

no, it was actually a lady named Grandmaster Kate Laura, thoughts? I thought it was really cool that it was actually a lady named grandmaster kate oh whoa laura thoughts i thought it was really cool that it was that's my mother oh oh so you don't call her laura you call her mom you don't know how that works you're gonna refer to my mom as mom you don't call every mom mom yes i do i call your mom mommy she called my mom mama yeah so anybody who's a mom you call mom yes i do i call your mom mommy she called my mom mama yeah mama so anybody who's a mom you call mom yes they've earned that right golden rule they went to mom's they have a child and i am their child that's the rule uh i am so fine with you calling me laura or mom right or mom either

one they both work. That's great. I feel like this song is very sweet, right up your alley. Yeah. I really liked it. Auld Lang Syne. That was cool. And how could she make it better? I thought it was really pretty perfect.

We all agree it was good. We all loved it. It was awesome. I think the nicest thing we can do is give her helpful tips. Yeah. Helpful. No song is perfect. Yeah.

No song is perfect. Let's start with running time. 1.18. Helpful. No song is perfect. Yeah. No song is perfect. Let's start with running time. 1.18. Great birthday. Terrible running time. A little bit too long. I think we do. Let's shave it under a minute.

Let's trim the fat. No need. Absolutely. Mom? Oh, my God. You guys are so critical. Ah. I thought it was wonderful.

She did a great job. I feel like calling us critical, oh, is actually being a little critical of yourself. We don't appreciate it. No, this is great. You've been on one episode before, right? Yes. Do you remember what number? Should I look it up?

I actually don't remember. I want to say it was 30-something or 40-something. Wow, what if it's exactly 100? That'd be cool. I don't think it was, though. I think it was earlier. Do you want to go before or after Pat? After, I believe. Really?'t think it was, though. I think it was earlier. Do you want to go before or after Pat? After, I believe.

Really? I thought it was like 46. I might be completely making that up. This is entirely uninteresting, but I am going to look it up. Well, maybe we can edit it to make it seem like we did this research. Oh, 32. 32. See, I was pretty.

103 episodes ago. Yeah. It was a while. It was a while. Well, sorry it took. 103 episodes ago. Yeah. It was a while. It was a while. Well, sorry it took you so long to come back. It's just that you weren't in California until then. That's it. Thank you so much for inviting me to your beautiful home.

Thanks for being here, Mom. Now that you're moving to California soon, probably, right? You can be on the show a lot more. Oh, my God. I'm squatting in this house. I'm not leaving. You're welcome. You can stay with me anytime me anytime all right i love you more than anything i'm sorry to the rest of my family but yeah yeah we don't care about the rest of it it's just jake and mommy putting her on out yeah yeah mom just us two forget the rest of them fine just us just

me and you in a mirror and that's it. That's it. That's all we need. And say, fuck you, Hannah. Repeat after me. Ready? Forget you, Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Liza, Micah. I can't frame those words. Okay.

Who needs them, though? Then you don't love me. If you had to rank the kids, who's number two? Oh, my God. Let's at least in an objective way, if you were to rank the kids, who's number two? Oh, my God. Because we all know. Let's at least, in an objective way, if you were to rank them in height. Oh, in height. Yeah.

Interesting. Who would you say is number two? Micah. And who's your, what? Oh, number two is the tallest? He's number two. I think he's taller. Taller than Hannah? Yeah, because you, Micah.

He's taller than Hannah. And I think Hannah, Sarah, Rachel, and Eliza. This is great. I'm going to edit my question. Who do you love the most? And then it's just your thoughtful but quick response. Oh, Jake, Rachel, and Eliza. This is great. I'm going to edit my question. Who do you love the most? And then it's just your thoughtful but quick response. Oh, Jake, Micah. That would be so funny.

So who do you love the most? Oh, my God. All right, great. Now we have it. So you know how this show works. You're one of the family members that listens to it, correct? Yeah, I do. Or is that not true anymore?

I do. Sometimes I have to turn it off. I'm going to be honest. If it gets too uncomfortable for me. members that listens to it correct yeah i do i do sometimes i have to turn it off i'm gonna be honest if it gets like too like uncomfortable for me what's your least favorite thing to hear us talk about um oh do i really have to say it like this is tough you don't have to say anything of involving anal anything i will jesus christ sorry that you asked a question. I wish you didn't come on for episode 134, all anal Monday. Christ.

This is our all anal questions. And since every episode comes out on Monday, it's always all anal Monday. We never get to talk out Tuesday or Women Wednesday. It's always all anal Monday. And bonus Thursday. Where we talk about more anal. This is an anal podcast, actually.

Now, this is an advice show. This is an advice podcast where Jake and I receive emails, people who are confused at an impasse, an inroad in their life. Is it inroad? I don't think so, but that's okay. We'll just let it go. And they need our help. A crossroads.

Oh, that's what it is. A crossroads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An impasse at a crossroads. An impasse at a crossroads, but not an inroad. And we do our best to offer our advice. And sometimes it's just us two, and sometimes we have you on the show. Sometimes we have my mama.

Why would you always have my mommy? Yeah. You cry a lot when she's not here. I cry when I miss my mom. Right. But it happens a lot. It goes, what are you doing on your phone? Yeah, I'm curious.

You're resting the microphone on your gut talking. That's not fair. You're like the microphone on your gut talking. It is. That's not fair. This is true. You're like a fat adolescent who misses his mommy. Because I think that inroad is actually a phrase. No, making an inroad, it is a phrase, but it doesn't mean like you can pass. It is, but I think it doesn't, I don't.

An inroad is a sudden hostile incursion, an advance or penetration. Oh, and it loaded a pop-up. But in context. An advance or penetration often at the expense of someone or something usually used in plural. Amir, I stand corrected. No, you don't. You're right. You used it completely perfectly.

We're right that I was wrong. I didn't use it. This is like when you accidentally make a shot in pool and it doesn't count. I did mean impasse and crossroad. To make an inroad with someone is like a you accidentally make a shot in pool and it doesn't count i did mean impasse and crossroad to make an inroad with someone is like a positive thing but you ended up saying something kind of right you really did i mean it's like when you play words with friends and you just like go out there and you just like stick something up and you know you think oh it's not a word and then it is and it's like so exciting well a lot of my intelligence is accidentally being smart

accidentally smart that could be the name of my autobiography. I think that's really good. You got to hold on to that. That's like both humble and also very self-centered. Because I am saying that I'm smart, but I'm saying it's accidental. I think that's really pretty brilliant. Seriously, you have to write that down or trademark it or something. At the very least, record it on this show.

All right. We have some questions that we want to get to we we're seeking your advice so you think you can motherly advice motherly advice yeah or just or just humanly advice it's good because we then we should have had a human on the show because my mom's a goddamn superhero. I love you, bitch. I do. I don't know why I'm laughing. No, they're not. They're superhumans. They're super what?

Superhumans. Superhumans? They're not just regular humans. They're superhumans. I didn't say that. Superhumans. Regular humans. And sit back down. You're getting in my space.

You're getting in my face. And I don't appreciate it. I'm getting in your space, your face face because I want to put you in your place I need a lady's name a lady's name, okay can I have a theme? you can make it up one of my favorite movies

is Forrest Gump I just love that movie so can it be Jenny or Ginny? nice or Janae it actually can't yeah i was gonna say no so we get a veto on the jenny no no it can't it can't uh my dudes i just went on a date with a guy who i met through some friends i like him in that we have a lot in common and the conversation is good

and he hasn't sent me any dick pics which is is great, but he has no sex appeal during the date. I tried to imagine kissing him at the end of the date, but it was a no go. Should I go out with him a couple more times to see what happens or should I call it quits now? Do you think physical attraction can develop over time? Thank you. Love, Jenny. So interesting.

We were just talking about this. Yeah, we absolutely were. Do you recall? I do. Do you recall what I had to say on the topic? I completely do. Mother. I'm holding her hand.

Mother. Do you remember what I say? Am I educated? Mother? You said in... Was I eloquent, Mother? You were quite eloquent. And you were saying that to me.

Hurrah. Amir, I'd like a copy of this podcast everyone gets a what do you mean a copy i'd like my own personal copy like how my mother said i was eloquent no she did not she did uh was i eloquent when i answered that question that's right not in a general way and when you answered that question you were quite eloquent you said that wouldn't you say that was in tune and in line with how I usually answer questions? Eloquently? Sure. Eloquent, elegant. You're leading her. Absolutely. Let her answer the question.

Don't just say, do you think this and this? And she says, yes or no. I think he's not going to let me. We're at an inroad. Nice. I think, Jake, what you said was that passion really mattered to you a lot and sexual attraction was really hugely important to you. And we were talking about one of your siblings who will remain nameless who was feeling that if she liked a person well enough, and I said the gender so that we sort of narrowed it down. So we all know it's Micah.

You little bitch, dude. You listening to this one? Mom's my girl. Let Yaron answer the question. Love you so much. I'm sorry for interrupting. That's fine. I will give you thank you for running interference.

You're still interrupting. I know. I'm done. I just want to tell my lover. She hasn't said that. He can't stop himself. It's scary. Understandable.

I think what your sibling said was that over time, you could become attracted to someone, sort of like give a person a chance. And I kind of agreed with that. However, after listening to this, I think if this person was on a date and couldn't even imagine kissing it's too cold it was yeah if it was that much of a flat line i think it's really hard to get a spark from that i mean that's just yeah one of the it's it's tough to go from

absolutely zero after date one to something one of the things one of the a stereotype between men and women and that i think is somewhat true i would i would throw my head smarter yeah that dudes are good uh when a guy meets a girl he instantly thinks hot or not and when a girl meets a guy that doesn't even like come into their purview until at least a little while longer until they're like turned on by their personality and like, oh, this guy's actually pretty cool. Let me think if he's attractive too. And whereas with guys, it's just like, oh, hi, nice to meet you. Could I fuck her? Could I fuck her? You think I could fuck her? Just instantly. Would you say that's true or is it too narrow-minded and false? I think everybody's different. For instance, I meet a girl and I think, I'd fuck her.

Instantly. There's no would I. Yeah. It's just imagining the scenario in which I would. Because I'll go from like, this girl's kind of attractive to like, I have three sips of whiskey and I'm imagining her in a wedding veil.

Yeah. And I'm like, I'll marry her and spend the rest of my life with this one. So you're saying there are some girls that are like that and some guys that are like that. Well, my position, which I guess I stated eloquently, I don't really recall. It's not important to me.

I guess I was really eloquent with this whole thing. I guess it was well thought out. Let's hear what it is, though. I think everybody is different. Everybody weights it differently. well thought out and let's hear what it is though um i think everybody is different everybody weights it differently so for me personally it means a lot to have physical attraction that's the first thing i'm thinking about similar to your stereotype that guy all guys are thinking about this yeah and girls are less so i think there are girls that well there are exceptions to the rule but i'd say

by majority most guys think about that and most yeah but even like within your stereotype of or within i don't want to keep on calling a stereotype within your generality yeah like yeah do guys do this i think some guys do it more there is definitely a spectrum yeah like this girl's attractive or this girl's unattractive but even having that thought you're not writing them off there are some guys who'd be like this girl's attractive or this girl's unattractive but even having that thought you're not writing them off there are some guys who'd be like this girl's not attractive so i don't even want to listen to what they have to say moving on right and what we were saying about my sister or brother who is uh in this situation in this scenario it's like he or she doesn't work quite that same way and that's fine they. They can find themselves attracted to the personality over time

and thus attracted to the person. But I don't think this email would come from a guy. I don't think a guy would go out on a girl. This girl's totally unattractive. Should I keep going out with her? It depends how desperate you are, though, too. Like who knows how many dates this girl's been on that didn't work out, and she's finally gone out with a dude who's not a total piece of shit.

Yeah. So, like, this girl's been on dates with 100 dudes who all suck, and this guy doesn't suck, but he's not great. And she's like, it's like being on a house hunt for a year, and every single place you see is infested with cockroaches. It's dilapidated and falling down. You finally see a place that has a sturdy four walls and isn't infested with asbestos.

And you're like, do I move my stuff in here? Just because it's not falling down? Well, didn't she use as some kind of parameter he hadn't sent her a dick pic? Yeah, that's a very low. Which is like, yeah, that's a very which is like yeah that's setting the bar super low right i mean but yeah that's that's how bad men are that if you don't send a dick pic you're already automatically catapulted to the top well that's but is that

something like is aren't we doing a disservice to be like hey this guy didn't send you a dick pic go for it like we should all girls should have a bar that's set way above dick pic or no dick pic. Right. I think not being able to imagine even kissing someone. I mean, I don't know. That would be problematical.

Well, how was your first date with dad? I was like, I don't know, 13. And he was what, 29? Yeah. He's a cradle robber. and now he just turned into a regular robber as he grew up what are you talking about he's a lawyer he bleeds people dry he's an ambulance chaser oh my god he is he yeah he's an estate and tax attorney that's exactly right he's a very chaser death and taxes that's what all the certainties my dad plays it safe

he is so full of integrity playing it safe is playing it boring well i mean can you even call it playing anything getting back to the question i actually you're not worried about fending dad are you because he's definitely not listening you know he's never done anything to support me or you oh we're on our own baby you and me in california honey um actually i think the first time we kissed it was i i don't know we were friends for such a long time and i kind of didn't know what to expect and the kiss went better than I expected oh I have to say that's pretty cool a friendship kiss yeah that turned into a whoa into a more passionate kiss but it's this doesn't really apply to this woman's situation no it

doesn't so there's no ambiguity about friends that's right and I agree i agree he's the guy is in it for he wants romance he wants that and i don't know i would say at the most try one more date and yeah no more than a second date yeah and if and if you don't find yourself attracted to him but you think he's a nice guy then you say and actually mean let's just be friends but do you give the reason i don't know if i'm attracted to you in that way. No, I think you can be definitive without giving a reason unless they ask for it.

You just say, I don't see this going anywhere, but it was really nice to meet you. Why? I should be friends. What don't I have? Yeah, like it takes a special kind of person

to say that. Am I not good in the following ways? Sexual? If someone broke up with me, I would probably just be like, okay, like I don't want to know why I was rejected. But then how are you going you gonna get better but you would actually ask fine i think

i know my flaws enough that like if i got broken up with i'd be like oh it was probably one of these three things yeah three major things that are bad with that i that i know of myself yeah what would you say they are just right off the the bat? That I'm untrustworthy. Of course. I'm aloof. Yeah. And I don't really know what the third thing would be. Those are the big two.

I guess if somebody broke up with me, it would be because they didn't trust me and they thought I would cheat on them or something. Yeah. Or I did cheat on them and they found out. Yeah. Or you just became disinterested. on them or something. Yeah. Or I did cheat on them and they found out. Yeah. Or. You just became disinterested. Yeah. I started pulling away and they could see that.

Yeah. Distance. Distance. But Amir, you would actually ask someone if they said, you know, I just don't think it's working out. That's a good question. I think I would be more curious. I'm pretty good at taking constructive criticism,

or just any criticism. I have years of doing internet comedy have left me with skin so thick that you can't really offend me too much. And then when I've had bad news delivered to me, I'll be like, okay, I don't break down. I'm like, okay, that's interesting. Let me synthesize that.

Ignore it, because this bitch is probably wrong. I think it's a, it's sort of a blessing. You have like a high, high opinion of yourself sounds like almost a bad thing to say to somebody, but like you don't have a low sense of self-worth. I have a high self-esteem. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It seems like confidence. Yeah. Self-aware. And I think that's a good thing. So things don't erode it. Like just that external stuff i i definitely am not that way i'm really sensitive like if someone says something even mildly critical i just you know oh my god what if

they're all thinking that what if they're right well i assume they're right twist even a compliment into how did that what was it was that a backhanded compliment? I do that. Your hair looks nice. Oh, does that mean that my eyes look tired? Or does it usually look bad? Yeah. Yeah. I do that. It's a terrible thing. So I give you so much credit.

That's awesome. I don't know how it happened. Maybe because I was... Years of internet comedy, maybe. I mean, that really... I think... Do you read the comments when people comment, like, on your videos and stuff? Sometimes. Not all of them.

I've never looked at a comment. Oh, really? Never. I've looked at your comments. Oh, that's nice. But then if it's a negative comment, I get really upset, and then I don't look at it anymore. Not that that happens frequently. Don't worry about me, Mama. You have to take the source though like if it if it comes from our reddit it's like a it's a smart person telling me uh interesting

critique about a certain thing if it comes from youtube that's the equivalent equivalent of a seven-year-old dirty idiot who runs up to me on the street and yells you're not funny and then ran away and i'm like what the heck by a car yeah whoa what was that I wouldn't actually synthesize and take that information in so you have to understand the source that's it you have to understand she doesn't have to do anything oh Jake

holy shit say the word and I'll pull the plug on his mouth I don't know how to edit the podcast but I'll figure it out it's all in that little square you're pointing at my shoe and I'll pull the plug on his mouth. I don't know how to edit the podcast, but I'll figure it out. It's all in that little square. You're pointing at my shoe. My square shoe.

So you say give her one more chance, one more date? I think one more date and then cut it off. But it's not looking good to me. Yeah. That's just how I'm feeling. The prognosis is doubtful. Yeah.

You're not out. I would say tepidly one more date as well. I'll switch it up and say, just move on. Find someone that does turn you on. What's better? Going out with someone who's like this, great personality, unattractive, or a really attractive idiot? Interesting. attractive idiot um interesting i think it's if she has to look into her heart and see the sum of

her experiences and what she wants right now does she want to have fun and not like be that serious with somebody then sexy idiot will be at an enjoyable time or has she been with too many sexy idiots and they've led her astray and she doesn't feel like she's emotionally connected with anybody. And she wants a smart uggo. Yeah. So it depends on what you want right now. Yeah. I mean,

she was saying good things about his personality, but I think she's, sounds like she's looking for the whole package. She's looking for both. Yeah. A lot of guys have the whole package. Yeah. Some guys do.

I mean, I know I would rather go out with a guy who wasn't conventionally attractive. I know. Like you would rather go out with anybody than who wasn't conventionally attractive. Dude, I know. Like, you'd rather go out with anybody than Chad, right? Who are you into? Like, we'll figure this out.

She's, what? She's saying, I would rather go out with who? Dad is so perfect for me. He really is. I know you have a very low opinion of your dad, but... I don't have an opinion of my dad. I have no father. But if I did... I do love my dad.

He's a good man. He is. He's good to you. He treats you well. Hey, I love any good man who's good to my mother. He provides. Does he not provide?

He provides. He's a good man. He makes that money. And that's what we want, security. But he's also good man he makes that money and that's what we want security but he's also very nice thoughtful yeah and smart and he is rich you're right i was saying aside from the money thing he is a good income a fun person to have around he's really he lights he lights up the room when he walks he absolutely does absolutely does. He's like a really interesting guy. It helps him sign clients and make money. I think that's definitely a good valuable...

Stop thinking about value as a monetary gain. That's it. He's a very literal guy, Jakey is. Yeah. No, I'm happy dad's rich. What would you rather have, a dad or, let's say, a duffel bag shaped like your dad filled with cash it's interesting because my dad is shaped like a duffel bag

my dad's a backpack he's a bumpy cylinder what did we say that your dad was once in an episode he was a bat or like a what was it a cactus or something? I don't know. Oh, no, a pumpkin? No, you were saying that my dad was a pumpkin. Your dad is a squash. He's a gourd. Oh, man. I don't think I heard that one. I got to go find it. No, you don't.

I'm going to be scolded after this podcast. My dad's a very handsome, strapping little lawyer man. Speaking of dads, we got a question about fathers. Oh, cool. Let's hear it. Do you have a question, a name of a male from Forrest Gump? Okay, from Forrest Gump. Okay, how about Lieutenant Dan?

Nice. You got new legs. Forrest was slow. He was slow. He was a lovable idiot. Oh, God. A happy goofball. Who played Forrest?

What happened to that guy? Tom Hanks, yeah? I haven't heard about him since the 90s. He was big in that movie. That was all I ever heard. He sort of fell off the map. Yeah, like a castaway. That was his rise to stardom.

Oh, nice. Very witty. Wilson, I'm sorry! That's a pretty good Tom Hanks impression, right? Wilson! Wilson, I'm sorry! That's a pretty good Tom Hanks impression, right? Well, suck. That was really... Wilson, I'm sorry. That was good.

Thank you. I'm a boy of 19 in a sticky situation. One of my friends who is a girl talks and praises her father way too much. Her mother's an alcoholic, which is probably the reason she loves and admires her father so much, and I respect that, but she talks about her father and his job all the fucking time. To this day, I do not know what her dad works with, but the things she has told me about him are there is a nude painting of him in an art museum in New York.

He danced ballet at an elite level. He's an excellent lawyer. He's been a taxi driver. He works with organizing charity organizations. He has stopped a civil war in China and was thanked by the president. He's been invited to the world's best restaurant twice. The list is long, but here's the real sitch. People in our class are beginning to get really annoyed at her for talking about her father all this time, and they don't really believe a single thing she says, and this generally affects

her and my reputation. I have met her father and I do not believe many of the stories she tells, but I feel like she needs to have a superhero dad because of an alcoholic piece of shit mom she has. But on the other hand, she doesn't know why people are shutting her out, and this makes her very sad. I could tell her to stop talking about her dad so much, but I'm afraid what this would do to her. Would it make her sad?

What should I do? Thanks, love, Lieutenant Dan. Oh. but I'm afraid what this would do to her. Would it make her sad? What should I do? Thanks. Love, Lieutenant Dan. Oh. I was going to say, is it a female? No, the guy asking the question. Sorry. That's a really complicated.

Jake, can you even wrap your head around a child who respects and reveres his father so much? Yeah, it's funny. I have the opposite problem, which is you can't stop talking about my mom. Didn't you say your mom's been invited to the world's best restaurant twice? My mom cooks in the world's best restaurant, which is our house. You never made a meal I didn't love, Mom.

The cold pasta, the leftover chicken. The veggie burgers, remember? The veggie burgers remember we don't want to forget those it's hard to feed eight kids it is and i did not do it well i'll be completely i will say dinner at our house was always bland it was bland that's where you guys are and that's being kind you still have that taste yeah i like to be all one color. Yeah. No, you are not a good cook. No, I'm not. I'm not. I love you so much. I can't pretend to be.

I'm a terrible cook. Everything you made was bad, and the best food we ever had was mediocre. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm not even going to take exception to it. It's the truth. Constructive criticism. No, it is not.

You're not giving her any pieces of useful advice. Everything was delicious. Your pizza, every your pizza i can make pizza and cookies and mac oh yeah your cookies are great thank you that's it that's it are you kidding me your fucking meatloaf your meatloaf was insane thank you it was insane don't say thank you you are so kind but you've got to understand like have you ever had meatloaf at anyone anyone else's house i don't ever if anybody else but it tastes nothing like mine and it's not because yours is the best no mine's mine's pretty it was made with crackers honey instead of meat you get that right crackers She chewed up saltine and drooled it into a pan. Oh, Amir, that's my secret. That wasn't meat. Mom, what are you talking about?

You were eating crackers. What was it, Mom? Ritz crackers and ketchup. It was. Ritz crackers and what, Mom? Ketchup, honey. That's it? What about the meat, Mom?

There was meat in there somehow. There was an egg. I saw you eating. There was an egg in there? I saw you eating just the bun of a hamburger yesterday and saying this meatloaf is delicious. Sorry, hon. I loved our dinners. This person has got a problem.

Yeah, I mean, that's actually a really complex problem. I feel really sorry for the guy and the girl. Why not be as open as possible? Like, if someone smells, tell them they smell. It hurts for a little while, but it's helpful in the long term. Isn't that more? It kind of sounds like this guy is projecting his problem a little bit. I can only assume the truth is what this person's written.

Right. That's fair. But I like to delve a little deeper. I know you like, you're all surface. I'm cut and dry. I like to infer. I am black and white. I like to delve a little deeper i know you like you're all surface i'm cut i'm sorry i like black and white i like to create a story yeah i'm not i like to create an equation a problem that can be solved with one simple bit of advice and it's tell the truth boom next we're on to the next one i don't think the truth always works not like that i think you got to get to the

root of the problem which is the square he's starting to. The girl doesn't respect her mother. The girl, she might not respect her father, so she's creating this figment of her imagination. Yeah, it doesn't sound real. I mean, he couldn't possibly be this person, I don't believe. There is some sort of psychological thing going on where she's creating a mythical father that's so good that she doesn't have to address her faulty mom. But see what he's doing is he's shutting her down and being annoyed and he's getting little pieces of information like the bullet points of this is what I know of her father right now, yada, yada, yada.

Yeah. He should sit down with her and be like civil war in china huh tell me more i'd like to talk to your father about this why don't you just embrace this and find out everything there is to know about this girl's dad it won't take you forever it's like reading an autobiography and then you'll be done she'll feel like she expelled everything from her it actually reminds me of forrest Gump. It's like, oh, my dad played ping pong in the Olympics and also was a football player in Alabama. He was also in Vietnam.

He also started a shrimp restaurant. Long story short, you fucked up on the name. This question should have been Forrest. I think it's pretty close. We might have to go with that next question. Yeah, actually, if anything, it was a good name because this question came from somebody who knew forest i'm sorry but i one thing that a curve that the letter

took was that he met her father i almost thought that it was going to be one of those things where she talked about this guy and he never materialized because he wasn't really there because he wasn't really there because i had friends in high school who had boyfriends. And then the boyfriends, they were always supposed to come down and meet them somewhere. But then they got sick. Or, you know, it was always not true. When I was growing up, I had girlfriends in California, for sure. What does that mean?

I lied about having girlfriends in California. All of my friends did. Girls from Canada, California. That's an actual thing you did? Yeah, like during sleepovers all the guys would just talk about their girlfriends they had from other states. Is that true? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if everybody does that, but me and my friends did that. How old were you? 28. Oh, no. You actually did have a girlfriend in California at the time. That's why.

It must have been 12. That's funny. 13. Lying about that. Oh, that is funny. I think it's just because we wanted to talk about... Relationships and... Yeah, and sex and whatnot.

Yeah. Et cetera, et cetera. And that makes sense. So what do you say to this lady? Or this guy? I think that he should be forthright. I think that it's eroding the relationship to have the guy start, Lieutenant Dan, start getting to be annoyed by it.

It also sounds like she's not got a great relationship with kids at school. So, I mean, my feeling would be it's causing a lot of damage and the truth has to come out somehow or other. Just play, like it could be playful. Like, all right, let's talk about something else. The end, just guide it. Just be like positive and guide the conversation

in another direction. That's not getting to the root of the issue. That's sweeping the weed to the left and right. I want to pull it out shred it drink it shit it eat it pee it flush it down the toilet it's out of here sorry you so it started out you want to eat a weed then you want to eat your shit i was i was there up to the pull it then it was like what flush it out of here. But I mean, do you see this relationship going anywhere?

Do you think this girl is going to be psychologically healthy enough to continue? Well, it sounds like they're just friends. I don't think they're boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. Oh, okay. They're just a female friend. Okay. So yeah, as a kindness to her then. Yeah, I would be honest.

Or you can leave her be and then she'll just gradually get washed away. Just mutter away into a field talking about her father. And he was actually on the Apollo 11 mission. She's like on a bus stop talking about her dad. Yeah. And another thing that he did was he had a beehive and he grew honey for a long time. My dad was a bee. He was actually, he would buzz around.

Your dad was a bee. My dad was a bee. Yeah. Yeah. He had his own honey. And also my dad was a shah. And then, yeah. But I don't.

He was a bee and a shah. My dad was a bee, a shah. He was a, he was a. He was a shake. He was a shake. Yeah. I don't quite understand why. He was a milkshake don't quite understand why nobody said anything up to now, though. It sounds like she's been kind of pathologically lying her way through this for a while.

Yeah. It's hard for us to wrap our heads around it because we can't imagine a decent father figure, me and you. Well, maybe your mom's dad was a decent father figure. Yeah. Well, my grandfather, dad was a decent father figure yeah well my grandfather he was he was a good man is a good man

how do you feel about that that again is a very complex issue no he was a typical 1960s dad they didn't get too involved with us aloof dad good grandfather i think all yeah i think that's true well it's not everybody but a lot you just get sweet as you

get old because you're like oh because you're really vulnerable hard and extended dead soon yeah like a like a ripe uh unripe piece of fruit you'll get mushy and soft by the end oh that's a really good analogy so what's gonna happen you were mushy and soft your whole life baby i i've never been i i don't think i think they say that you either get mushy and soft or you like shrivel and get bitter and i think i'm just i was mushy and soft to begin with and i'll just continue mushy and soft that's just the way i am that's beautiful love you beautiful. Love you, baby. Love you too, baby. Let's take a break.

Let's take a break real quick. We'll thank a few sponsors and then we'll come back and maybe answer one more question. Does that sound good? Very cool. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a

lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying

visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. I love your ads. I have to tell you this. This is perfect for when we're back. Keep talking. I will do that. Yeah.

This is it. We're back. We're back now. We're back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love our ads. I love the way you guys deliver ads. It's so sincere.

And, I mean, the thing is, because we don't have cable at home, and you know this, Jake, we don't watch regular television with ads. It's so sincere. And I mean, the thing is, because we don't have cable at home and you know this, Jake, we don't watch regular television with ads. You miss the ads. I miss the ads. I do, in a weird way. But when I hear your ads, I don't know. I'm just reminded of everything I love about advertising. The

sincerity, just this kind of like... Let's send this clip to whoever sponsored this episode that's a good idea and i think you guys have great delivery like i would at one point our dog passed away i can't even bring myself to say the word die nelly when nelly died when oh no what the fuck is this this ambush this gotcha journalism i hated to tell you this way honey but i'm floored i'm floored but there was that you were there was there was something that you were selling no one fucking called me oh jake i'm so sorry they're just i ran out of time i'm sorry you didn't email my ass you

didn't text my shit what can i say are you it's indefensible. Was there a service? Yeah, very small cremation. Just the family? Just the immediate family. Everyone but you. Just the nuclear family. I think you went to our last dog's death. Bob? Yeah?

I was not there. Oh, that's right. You wouldn't go. You were the only one. Am I correct? I had to work that day. No, I think you just couldn't bring yourself to it he was bob was euthanized and jake your sensitive soul did i know you then no this one i was in high school wait you had a dog when

i met you guys yes that was nelly oh nelly was nelly yeah nelly died when did that happen nobody fucking talks about it nelly died on christmas day this this this Christmas? you were home yeah so this happened recently yes it happened recently it happened on Christmas I called you were in New York but it happened on Christmas morning at 10 o'clock

and they were preparing to euthanize her and she actually just died on her own that's kind of sweet. Which is, it's kind of a beautiful thing. Save the needle. Watch this. Yeah, it's like, I'm fine. I'm cool.

I'm going. And she just slipped away. But you had already given the dog away, right? Yes, to Gordon, who is the dog whisperer, the coolest man in the world. How did we start from ads and end up here? I don't know. Oh, the ad, you say, our dog. Oh, yeah, I wanted to buy.

You had some bark box bark box and i was like i'm getting this i'm totally getting this and it was because of you were very persuasive dad plays with the chew toys dad is eating a milk bone when i walk into the door well that's one of the things that people like about podcast ads is one it's like it's sort of like the old school tv approach where it's like we're gonna stop for a minute and have the actual people who are doing the show talk to you guys about toothpaste or whatever yeah or me andies which is something i'd never heard of before but now i know what they are i think they're really cool i've washed several pairs of them yeah and it helps that we actually like uh the majority of this stuff. Yeah. Sometimes we do have to lie.

Occasionally. But who knows about which one? They'll never know. I can never. No, you guys just sound so sincere that I actually would be shocked to find out that you were not being completely truthful. We do lie sometimes. I'm surprised.

That's right. But the majority of the stuff, we've been fortunate we've either used before or they send it to us and it's so great that we don't mind raving about it on our show. That's right. But the majority of the stuff we've been fortunate we've either used before or they send it to us and it's so great that we don't mind raving about it on our show. It's true. Well, that nature box, I've eaten my share of that. Yeah, nature box is great. We have it at our house.

Me on these is great. Everything we have is mostly great. Yeah. What else do we want to talk about? Did you have anything you wanted to mention or plug before oh i know yeah i'll mention or plug something that's what i'll do i wrote a novel and it's i did i wrote a novel and what have you done with your life blumenfeld letter letter and it's and then i know it's going to be a long no that's the title of the novel jesus it's actually called disappear know it's going to be a long list of all the things you... No, that's the title of the novel. Jesus.

It's actually called Disappear Home. It's a young adult novel. It's published by Albert Whitman. Perfect because we have a podcast for lots of young adults. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's like actually I think it's one of those young adult novels like Fault in Our Stars or Hunger Games even, although not at all that same genre as dead kids no what's the age range for younger when they say um usually 13 to 17 and i would say that that's pretty appropriate for this who's the publisher i talked to um albert whitman it's there in chicago and what's the name

of the book again um disappear home and that actually is the title that my editor gave the book. My original title was Flower Children because it's about a hippie family back in 1970 who have to escape this really depraved commune. So yeah, it's a little bit dark. That's why I like the title Disappear Home. Yeah, it's a little... It's more ominous.

It is very ominous. I mean, they have to get out of there. So is it available? Are you still writing? How does it work? No, it's actually... It's available. You can pre-order it on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. It's not available.

It's available for pre-order. No, and it will be... It actually will... Sorry, I'm being such an asshole. I got into this mode. Semantics. You're completely right. You're totally correct.

You know, I pre-ordered it. Thank you. Thank you for supporting me. You can go on amazon.com and pre-order i pre-ordered the hard hardcover copy whoa not even the ebook wow the amazon has that rank you see that sales rank yeah and it doesn't take a lot to boost it up to boost it up so if we can if we can push the needle right here if we can move some units that'll be a great help. That would be so cool. So the thing that helps is writing a positive review. Yeah. Yeah, I know that Goodreads wrote a review.

Someone wrote a review, and I know it got, I think, out of five stars, it got four. Wow. Which I think for Goodreads is good. I mean, that sounds kind of like, okay, I got a B. No, no, no. I could have gotten 100. Four out of five is pretty much as good as it gets. Four out of five is. Five is as good as it gets. of like okay i got a b no no four to five is pretty much as good as it gets four to five is five is as good as it gets well five is like a masterpiece you deserve

to five and i'd like to talk to them like my mother wrote catcher in the rye meets lolita meets meets yeah scarface maybe that's why she got a four the third movie she tried to cram in there uh wait i thought you were out here working on that book um no i'm working on my third novel holy sheesh so is this number two disappearing home um yeah number two is disappear home number one um was it's it's called airstream and that was not out yet and that's not out yet that's still in the queue so your number two novel is going to come out first. Right. So when does Disappear Home come out? Kind of like To Kill a Mockingbird, actually.

Right, like the whole Harper Lee sequel. Yeah, the sequel's coming out second. Right, exactly. So when does Disappear Home come out? March 15th. That is soon. It's soon. It's like a month.

And you can pre-order it now. You can pre-order it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble. Or they said your local bookshop, you can go in and just ask for it there. I don't want to support that. Amazon. And then what was the other megacorp that's killing everyone? I also just want to mention, I read my mom's book on an airplane when I was on my way home for Christmas last year.

And I hadn't cried since high school i think and i bawled my eyes out oh like full-on not even just like tears on my face breathe like the oh my gosh breathing from words so sweet so intense it was really good that is the nicest thing you've ever said that's that you made me cry you made me so sad that's how bad the book was i'm like i don't know how to confront her when i land and i started she didn't even ask me for notes but i knew i had to give them so disappear home order it disappear home yeah write a review if you if you think it's great. Yeah. And thanks for your support. And it has its own hashtag.

Hashtag Disappear Home. Right. Hashtag Disappear Home. My mom was like, hashtags are good. They boost the marketing. I was like, no. It's like, I didn't know how hashtags work. Green light, disappear home. Maybe you can have a TV show before we do.

That's a good idea. No, you guys are going somewhere i'm telling you there's a real shortage of fine fine comedy do you think tbs is gonna pick up our show yeah they better they better or you're gonna keep tweeting oh my god i am they don't want that on their hands uh can we answer one more question we're running low on time but i want to get to it because okay your advice is sage yeah do you have anything else you want to promote before no that's about it what about your twitter account or tumblr tumblr oh um yeah i have a blog it's lollyblog.tumblr.com yeah and i write every day and i love i love that kind of short format yeah come for the pictures of j Jake and stay for the good writing.

Yeah. And there are pictures of Jake. Nude ones, too. Yeah. Actually, last week. Yeah. Speaking of nude pics, that brings us to our last question. We need another guy.

Another guy's name. Okay. We didn't use Forrest last time, so let's do Forrest. Run Forrest. Go Forrest. I mean, you already wrote For Forest last time, so let's do Forest. Run Forest. Go Forest. I mean, you already wrote Forest. Hey, Jake and Amir, so I'm in high school, and I'm the guy who makes films for my school's assemblies and stuff.

I was given the job of making a promo video for my school's Spirit Week, and I had this dope idea involving a male teacher walking in slow-mo through the hallway. Anyway, when the video played at the assembly, everyone started laughing at one part of the video. As it turns out, there was a shot in the video that was completely zoomed in on my teacher's crotch as he was walking. Not only that, but apparently his bulging dick was clearly swaying in the shot. I hadn't noticed this, as it was supposed to be showing his hands moving. Everyone started making fun of me for it, and the teachers were fucking pissed at me for displaying the penis of one of the teachers.

Anyway, the principal emailed me and asked me to edit that shot out of the video for the middle school assembly next week. I haven't replied, but I really don't think I should have to do it. The promo film is my vision, with or without the dick shot, and I don't think the school should be able to limit that vision. What do you guys think I should do?

Thank you. Forrest. I'm sorry to laugh. I'm sure it was an earnest question. He should edit it out. You come from a school. You worked in a school. You are an artist and you cannot compromise.

I mean, it's true. I did work in a school. I was in middle school and a high school teacher. But it sounds like it was a promo. I mean, how much of the artistry was in the dick shot? I would say 60% of the artistry was in the bulging dick. It went from being a mistake that he left in there by accident to, this is my vision.

I mean, it was supposed to be of the hands. Why don't you shift focus and show his hands swing? I think, yeah yeah you're not a you're not i mean it's nice that you make the video but your art's not unimpeachable yet you haven't earned that right is school is high school a dictatorship um whatever whatever the principal says goes a little bit a little bit is there any sense of checks and balances? Do the parents get a say? I was in an independent school, private school, and sometimes the parents did get a say.

Because it's their money. That's because it's their money, exactly. So it's a little bit different, I think, than public school. In the public school, it's like, I say this and you have to either do it or leave. That's it. That's a dictatorship. Yeah, yeah.

I would say that's pretty much's a dictatorship yeah yeah i would say that's that's pretty much the way it is jake was in public school and then um he couldn't you just wouldn't wouldn't fall in line you tried to throw a coup a fail how many failed coups did you have i had a coup yeah i had a coup a mutiny and a mutiny yeah Yeah. I mean. Acute knee. There was an uprising. That's it. I mean, I think. And several protests.

I did actually, in sixth grade, I had a protest. You did. You did. Protested. What did you do? No homework? Oh, this was really good. I didn't go to class. I didn't go to school.

And you got other people to stand outside with you and picket. It was really impressive. You got a homosexual teacher fired there was this thing that we did called nature's classroom where all the sixth grade class would go to a camp for a week and we would like take classes play sport it was like camp with your with an ecology kind of you protested that no they we were the first, they'd done it every single year all through like my kindergarten up through sixth grade.

Right, and they looked forward to it. Every class in sixth grade went and we were looking forward to it. And that year they said there's not going to be any nature's classroom. So I was very upset and I got a bunch of my friends to not go to school to protest.

We had signs. And we stayed out front for like an hour before the principal came out, brought us in, gave us all late slips and made us go to class. And a year after I left, we found out that that principal had been stealing money from the school. Oh my God.

That is completely true. And that's why they couldn't afford nature's classroom. I would not be surprised because they said there wasn't enough money in the school treasury and she had been siphoning funds. That's exactly true. Holy shit.

Yeah. I was in the right. You were a whistleblower. And that false sense of self-entitlement carries with you to this day. That's what brought on the mutinies in high school. Yeah, the failed ones. You're like, watch this. Did she steal money, though?

And they said no. And you're like, really? Never again. I thought every protest led to some sort of investigative report. It's a real shame to sink your first three-pointer and then feel like you can play basketball and miss every other time you shoot. That's what they say about bad three-pointers.

You want to have them make their first one because then it's like you know they're going to miss the next seven. Oh, interesting. That is interesting. Yeah, I forgot about that. That's a very good memory it really was a lot of people um really respect a lot of parents really respected you they still do so unfortunately kid you got to change the video yeah yeah just get and i mean the word bulging is also a little bit suspicious i mean i'm sure the teacher doesn't appreciate it. Or does he?

Your video already showed to all of your peers in the up, like, you really want to fight to leave it in for the middle school assembly? Just edit it out. This is a good origin story for a porn director. They wouldn't let me show

my bulge. Cool. We're all in agreement there anything else you wanted to say before you had to leave us for another hundred and some odd episodes maybe oh my god I love you guys I love you guys and you guys deserve to have the best show on

not only TBS but any every network oh my gosh a multi network TV show you should be the head of the network. Oh my gosh, a multi-network TV show. You should be the head of a network. I've said that for a long time. I'd actually stage a coup d'etat. I know, you constantly try to stage coup d'etats. At any of the top networks.

You know, actually, Jake, that gives me an idea. You got any cardboard? To Atlanta! Seriously. Let's do it I also don't have any cardboard so I guess

fuck we're out of less an iPod or something if you have your own questions that you want us to tackle

or your own theme song submissions send those to ifireyoushow at gmail.com if you have your own thumbnail art for the podcast

we're accepting those as well we need any free help we can get at this point. The email address for everything is ifirewshow at gmail.com. We start and close every episode with an original theme song. So this is close to 250-some-odd theme songs. The opening one was by Grandmaster Kate,

and this last one was by somebody named Andrew Carey. Sounds fun, right, guys? It does. Thanks again. Thanks, guys. Bye, guys. guys? It does. It does. Thanks again. Thanks, guys. Bye, guys. Love you. Bye.

You did great, Mama. Bye, Mama. Jake, he's a professional. Here, he's just a Jew asshole follow Jake's every bit of advice Jake is the

light of my life ask for a beer guess he's alright if Jake was Batman I'd be Robin So Amir would be the Penguin

We'd solely kill him Then Jake and I Could be together Never apart Only love in our heart If I were you If I were you I love Jake

And he loves me too So join us. I'm John Rezic. This is Bob Phillip. Hi. Every Thursday for a mix of Chai Culture, celebrity interviews, and offbeat current events. You never know who's going to drop by the studio, and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them. So it's the Chai Podcast. It's total ear candy. There's no snark involved in this, and you can download it now at podcastone.com. That's podcastone.com.