Segments - 136: Male Stripper

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

In this episode we discuss how to change your lover and dating Nicki Minaj. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com, DollarShaveClub.com, and TaxAct.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Thank you. some good advice they will tell you what to do so listen to if I were you so listen to if I were you Darius Rucker himself. Todan, thank you. We've been hootied.

We got hootied by the blowfish. It's funny. If you're 20 years old and under, you don't realize that hootie was the biggest thing. That was the only song at one decade. He's still wildly popular. Is he? Yeah, he's like a big country singer.

Darius Rucker? Darius Rucker. Not Hootie and the Blowfish, but Darius Rucker's a big time country star. That guy who wrote the song, his name is CJ Malm. And he said, if you like it, please shout out my internet radio station, Popsourceradio.com. All right, we liked it. We shouted it out.

We're even, CJ. That's enough, CJ. We owe you nothing more, CJ. You and me, we come from different worlds, CJ. We're done here now, CJ. Hootie. Hootie.

I love it. Hootie-ho. If you have your own theme song, let's just ask for them right now. It doesn't have to be parody. It can be in a ridge. You can send that to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Gracias. How's it going?

Fine. Sorry. Let's stick to the script. I forgot that every one of these episodes is thoroughly specifically scripted that's why we only do one a week it takes us six days yeah to write rehearse and sound casual i'm off book oh really i'm off book right now i'm off book i'm off book yeah wow look at that insane insane that's correct that's your next line stop reading the script jesus you're good i know my my talent is being able to talk as if i'm not reading yeah like right now it sounds like i'm i don't know making up words on the spot right oh yeah definitely yeah but you're actually reading

uh-huh i can read along with you here we go okay uh all right all right here we go. Okay. All right. All right. Here we go. Let's get started. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Wow. This is happening. We are through the looking glass.

How's your mom's book selling? I don't know. There were, I can tell you this much. When I first logged on to Amazon, it said there were i can tell you this much when i first logged on to amazon it said there were 10 left in stock yeah and then then there were seven left in stock last night and this morning there's four left in stock so we're so it's moving we're moving units i don't know how many books they printed initially like how much is in a first run i feel like books are so unpopular these days just those 10 uh so it'd be really funny if we could sell out the 10 copies they printed

and have them really scramble to make more. They'll think they have the next Harry Potter on their hands. I started reading it last night. You did? Yeah. How do you like it? Good. I'm on page 12.

All right. I just realized I don't really read fiction. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it feels like, I know this is a wrong thing to think but it's like shouldn't i read non-fiction shouldn't i learn real stuff like if i'm going to be spending time reading i should be learning instead of just reading a story i think you learn stuff from fiction though i mean that's why they have you read uh catcher in the rye when you're younger yeah it's more like the flies it's like life lessons and sort of being empathetic and human and following a story.

But it's like in school, you go to history class and sometimes it's like, okay, I'm just going to tell you a fictional story. That's how I view reading as. It's like, oh, if I'm going to be reading, I'm going to be learning something real. Yeah, I like reading nonfiction because you read something and you're like, holy shit, that's crazy. And then you check in with yourself and it really happened. Don't get me wrong. I think I'm incorrect. It is good to read fiction.

I think it's good to read both. Yeah. And I guess this is a good way to, if you, like me, are only reading nonfiction, it's a fun way because I know that your mom wrote it. Yeah, that's nice. I never know the author that's true like now you do yeah my little mother mommy your little mother i'm so proud of you mommy i love you all right that's i love my mother i know i really do i know she's a saint and a queen and you're my she's an author on top of that all and a queen. And your mom ain't. And now she's an author. On top of that all.

And yes, that's true. My mom's accolades do nothing but diminish other mothers. No, I don't think so. Well, dude, I think my mom's the best, right? Okay. So that means there's got to be a mom that's in the middle, and there's got to be a mom that's the worst. You only imagine moms in threes?

Well, I think there's sort of middle-of road moms you did all right yeah best moms mine yeah and the number one mine and then like the bottom the bottom half of the worst yeah i think your mom is honestly jesus i do think you're tiptoeing around why Why don't you just stay polite? Your mother is scum of the earth, a bottom feeder at the Mariana Trench. I'm serious. She's a flat fish. I was going to let it go. An eel. She's actually a worm under the ocean.

Can you imagine that? No. The Mariana Trench, sand at the bottom. Below that, there are worms that haven't even been discovered yet. That's your mother. My mom's written 11 books. Yeah, and they were all fucking great. That's why I'm jealous.

I was thinking yesterday about, like, I think, like, my mom did such a great job at being a parent. Like, I liked being raised by her. Doesn't that not happen to everybody? Yeah. Were you never ashamed of your mom? Did you ever go through the teenage period where you were embarrassed by your mom? I was never embarrassed by my mom.

You never hated her? I've grown loving her more and more each day. I mean, we had our spats and fights and stuff. You yelled at her angrily. Yeah. But there was never a period of time where i thought she sucked and now as an adult do you have any uh like critiques like oh i wish she would have done this differently uh no you think she she she aced she threw a perfect game at child

child revolution it's a hundred percent perfect yeah she can do no wrong so she killed it nailed Child-child revolution. It's 100%. Perfect. She can do no wrong. So she killed it. Nailed it. And she had six children, so she had to juggle a lot. Well, I think she focused on me. For instance, Micah's a problem child. Absolutely. He's a little piece of shit.

I think it's because he was neglected. He's a dirt devil. He's a bottom feeder. He's a worm. He's a Mariana all right let's get started what is this this is an advice podcast uh people email us if i were your show at gmail.com and they're in a sticky situation a difficult dilemma uh an impasse in their lives and they're wondering if we have any advice for them sticky situation difficult situation, difficult dilemma. Yeah. Alliterations.

That's really nice. Sticky situation, a difficult dilemma, a rough road. Yep. A rough road. A rough road. Impractical impasse. And they're seeking advice. They're seeking solace.

They're after advice. they're asking it after advice and uh our offering is to tell them no we've started a pattern that i don't want to continue how we can help uh let's low let's low let's lowowe, baby. It's a slant rhyme. All right, this is a real email from a real person. Going to give him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Nice. Maybe we should name him after characters in your mom's book. That's a lovely idea.

Disappear Home, available on Amazon right now. So we'll call this guy Adam. Nice. Hi, my name is Adam. I'm 16 years old and a new fan of the show to give some background information i got my first real i got into my first real relationship four months ago in which i've had everything from my first kiss all the way to my first blow job fuck yeah dude here's the issue i'm a pretty self-conscious guy and she doesn't often give me compliments on

my looks unless I tell her that I don't think that I'm attractive. I wouldn't have a problem with this if it weren't for the fact that she often says how attractive other guys are. For example, one time I was looking through her pictures, her looking through them with me, when I find a picture of a male model and she tells me to click away as she gets shivers. It doesn't end there. It'll be people we know. She'll say that so-and-so is so hot or as once said about a friend of mine, sexy as fuck. Am I over-exaggerating? Should I tell her that this is really discouraging for me or should I just suck it up? I am known to often overthink. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks. Love, Adam. Wow. That was a real rollercoaster of a question for me. Yeah, because at first you didn't know what to think. Well, at first that wouldn't really be, sorry, that wouldn't be a rollercoaster. Oh. If at first I didn't know what to think.

But then you started thinking. I guess that would be sort of like a tower of terror where it just starts high and then it just falls but this is like i started with like this guy sucks he's like i only she doesn't give me compliments unless i insult myself yeah like that's so insecure and you're just like baiting for compliments but then it sounds like she real she's like, she sounds awful. So you went from being on her side to being on his side by the end. I think, well, yeah. I don't know.

I feel bad for him at least. Right. But is this heartache worth blowjobs? Yeah. Blowjobs are pretty cool, buddy. Yeah. And this is the only girl that will ever blow you. So let's stick it out.

Well, if he is 16, who knows when the next blowjob will come. I don't know. I don't really buy staying in a relationship because the sex is good. Doesn't it seem like you would buy that? No, because sex is good all the time anywhere. But if someone is horrible and it gives you an amazing sex... I don't think that one person is so good at sex that it would ever be worth me feeling bad in any other way. Sex is good all the time.

And if you find somebody else who's like, this person's really great, they make me feel amazing, and the sex is bad, then like, hey, you got a little closer, but you still haven't nailed it, so let's keep on looking. I guess it matters what your priorities are. Well, I just think that there's enough people in the world that you can always find something that satisfies way, like, if not all of your needs, a bunch of them.

Lots of check marks. That's very optimistic of you. It's very optimistic of you it's very true of me well that's all folks next question i'm still reading the script um that's not true for everybody yes it is some people have to take the blows with the blows. That's not true. You know what I mean? No, I don't. So some people... You're saying some people's lot in life is to be unhappy and get good blowjobs? That's right.

And you know what? That's better than being unhappy and getting no blowjobs. I disagree because out there, there's a guy who is confident and secure and doesn't mind hearing his girlfriend say that other guys are hot, but also likes blowjobs. So this girl sounds like a good fit for that guy and not this guy you know what i'm saying so this so this guy isn't necessarily good for this i think there's like we all let's everybody right now stop whoever we're hooking up with and move one to the left whoa yeah you think everyone's just i think if we all shift we'll be with our perfect mates and by to the left what do you mean by that literally to the left to the left

everything you own in a box to the left in the closet that's my stuff yes if i bought it please don't is that the actual you must not know about me you must not know about me is that all true that everything you own in a box to the left? Yes. What does that mean? It doesn't matter. I guess. Yeah. I think it just means that's where the box is.

Gotcha. So what would you suggest to this guy? I think, well, initially, perhaps a conversation because it's kind of weird to like break up with her out of the blue and she'll be pretty confused. Yeah. like break up with her out of the blue and she'll be pretty confused yeah so you might say hey i don't really like hearing about you finding other guys attractive uh maybe wait until she does it and then you say you said hey i'm gonna stop you right there what just happened i don't like that maybe like a slap on the wrist or like how you hit a cat on the nose yeah like rubber nose yeah like if she's so she's like looking at a at your friend saying he's sexy yeah rub rubber nose in him

no no maybe a spray bottle yeah it's just so like you're training someone i think you say excuse me that made me feel bad for the following reasons. And then we see if the behavior changes or corrects itself or if she resists or, you know, whatever, whatever. You voice your concerns. You see how your partner reacts. And if it's positively, great. The relationship is growing and strengthening and it's becoming better. And you can stay in it and get blowjobs and hear less and less how she finds other men attractive. Which, you know, we're always going to find other people attractive,

but maybe you just tell her, I don't like to hear it. Yeah. And that's okay. Yeah. And then we see if she adapts and changes or if she fights back with a coherent argument and you change. But whatever. The two options are the relationship strengthening or the relationship weakening.

And we'll see what happens after you speak your mind. Here's my issue. Okay. Two things. Sorry, I'm getting pissed because I don't like to be disagreed with. I'm not disagreeing. I guess it makes me small. All right.

Just chill. I'm voicing my opinion. It's different than yours. I'm not saying yours is wrong. Why is it so mine sucks and yours is the best? No. I'm broaching a new subject. Congrats.

You made me feel like shit. All right, now go ahead. When you ask someone in a relationship to start doing something, it's almost like that's a lose-lose. Because when they start doing it, it just feels like it's a weak thing because they're only doing it, not because they want to. This is something we've had disagreements about in the past as well.

Because you say a woman is upset with her boyfriend because he never posts pictures of her on Instagram. Yeah, exactly. Which is something that's happened in our, I think it's happened to us before. Yeah. Not in our real lives. People have emailed us in and you say if the guy starts posting pictures of her on instagram it's like you're only doing that because i told you yeah but i say yes he is doing that because like it was something that wasn't important to

him but he found out it was important to you so he's changed his behavior and isn't that a beautiful thing but if you're the girl would you rather have that or would you rather just sit in silence and wait until he does it naturally he'll never do it naturally so you have to just i don't know if it's something that bothers you you have to accept that it bothers you and it's not bothering your girlfriend right yeah so the fact that she says other guys are hot bothers you it doesn't bother her well here's why i think that part is okay because you're asking her to stop doing something to ask her to stop doing something feels like it's at least you're gaining something like that's that's a good thing like she'll she'll no longer uh compliment other guys like that way it doesn't

feel like she's doing something for you she's not doing do you understand the subtle difference between those two things right like i don't want you to start doing something i want you to stop doing something and if i ask somebody to stop doing something and they do stop doing it to me it's all changing behavior to me it's all you're trying to alter behavior i get what you're saying that starting to do something more is a little tougher to start doing something less yeah to stop like to ask someone to stop smoking i think that's fine to ask someone to start doing something else i don't know i feel like that's uh it might be asking too much and then when it does happen it just doesn't it

doesn't seem worth it well here's what i would say this is where the pure heart rule comes in phr do you mind if i talk about the PHR for a second? Patent pending Patent pending, patent pending The patent was pent, it really was It's been patented, it's been trademarked It's been copyrighted I am the proud owner of PHR.com.gov

slash K-12 dot jkerwitz.edu dot tumblr.com You can log on today It's's gonna be a 404 error of course that's fine because that's what i programmed the page to be gotcha okay um so what you need to do is tell your girlfriend that you don't like this um oh wait sorry this is not about that guy so the pure heart rule rule is you tell your partner something that you want to change in their behavior without any expectation, without going too far down the rabbit hole of being like, I want you to want to talk about other guys less. Or I want you to want to post these Instagram pictures.

Because then you're injecting yourself too much into the life of this other person but if you say this makes me feel a certain way and all you're talking about is that one little instance of behavior right then you let your partner adjust and you find the way they do it to be unique to them. So you say, it bothers me that you don't post Instagram pictures of me, right? Yeah. So you don't say, I want you to post. You just say, it bothers me that you do it. Right. And then this upsets me and I, I'm sorry, but it doesn't. I'm just sharing with you my feelings and I don't want you to like you know

you don't have to change anything but this is how i feel right and then it's them reacting to how you feel and how does that person make you feel better how does he synthesize that knowledge and become a different person that's more to your liking but to have expectations to say like that's to say i want you to post Instagram pictures less and I want you to post lots of them of me and I want to be like in charge of the filter. Yeah. And I want you to do it multiple times a week

and that's not good. That's no good. Nobody's going to be happy with that situation. But pure heart rule, hey, I wish you posted more Instagram pictures of me or I'm unhappy because I never show up in your Instagram feed. I'm unhappy because you talk about other guys so much and you don't really tell me that I'm

attractive. Well, okay, so here's my official bit of advice after talking it out. I would start with telling her what you'd ideally like her to not do rather than what you'd ideally like her to do. So his problems are, are one that she compliments other guys and two that she doesn't compliment him i think he should just start with saying i don't like that you talk about uh you compliment other guys in front of me that makes me feel sad of myself and then see uh now that she doesn't compliment everybody's maybe she'll start complimenting you or at the very least the playing field is even between you and everybody else she's not complimenting anybody right maybe that'll make you feel better before you go on to the second layer which is i want you

to compliment me more because how do you say that without it ever seeming like an empty gesture i mean that's pretty lame but i also get it like you want but here's what I would say. And I think my advice is going to be pretty similar on this. You do have to say something. Say, and I would say you wait till the behavior that upsets you occurs. And then you say, what just happened makes me a little upset. Yeah. And I think you can't. I just broke my own brain.

Oh my god. Your nose is bleeding. Oh, so here's what I would say. You can't break up with somebody because right now she is blissfully ignorant that all these things are adding up and weighing on you. Like the lack of the compliments and then the compliments to the other guys. And it's building and building and growing. And finally you're going to break and be like fuck this whoa all i said was that guy was cute yeah one like she has no idea so you need to say at least the first time this

bothers me and then that way if it happens more and more you're like this is really bothering me and if it never stops then you say you know what it bothers me to the point where i'm done and i'm going to find a blow job somewhere else right so at least you're not going from zero to break up real quick real fucking quick uh-huh so i would start just by that little nugget this bothered me a little bit and then see how the behavior changes tug on the thread at first before you destroy the entire story. Because your girlfriend's a human that's going to make human decisions based on your feelings.

Yeah. And if she makes decisions based on your feelings that continue to hurt your feelings, then that's a bad relationship. But if she makes decisions that make you feel better based on you expressing how you feel, then that's a nice relationship communication is key i actually invented that phrase yeah but your communication is spelled with a k so it's kind

of cool yeah my communication is key spelled with a c oh it's like communication is key but something is the lock or something like that is spelled with the k msc communication is key and the lock is the loch ness monster wow yeah hotness the loch ness monster that's the hot mess monster man that the loch ness monster is a lush a drunk beast see this is why people can't take you seriously. This is why you can't have nice advice. The water in Scotland is booze. It really is. And the Loch Ness Monster is a hot mess. Monster. All right.

Next question. Okay. Okay. yo amir blowing his nose hocking the loogie there he goes he runs the sink and he blows his nose in the sink and what do you think that's just what he was wearing it's mink it's a mink coat for his sore throat sit down buddy careful buddy. Careful, careful. Here comes the headphones. They're going on his ears. Here goes Jake, about to chug a few beers.

Yo, here we go. Yeah, you already chugged a few beers. I am drunk. All right. Will you read this question? It's from a lady. Yeah. We'll call her Shoshanna. You really are reading the book.

Yeah, I appreciate that. I've retained two character names at that. Hey guys, help a girl out. Three weeks ago, it was a friend's bachelorette. For various reasons, this girl... Excuse me, can I start over? Sure. Hey guys, help a girl out.

Three weeks ago, it was a friend's bachelorette. For various reasons, this girl is getting married while we're still in undergrad. Fuck me. I'm sorry. Hey, guys. Help a girl out. Three weeks ago. You're going to edit it out so I don't.

So I'm only reading it once, right? Maybe. You piece of shit. You do that for yourself. Hey, guys. Help a girl out. Three weeks ago, it was a friend's bachelorette. For various reasons, this girl

is getting married while we're still in our undergrad. Of course, this means a group of 20 to 22 year old girls went out to a strip club to go see some wieners. I've been to a female strip club with my male friends in the past, but this male strip club was a whole new world. My friends jokingly got me

a lap dance and after venturing up to the private area, I got quite a lot for $20 without actually letting this male stripper hit a home run. That being said, he was intent upon it, and asked for my number with the promise of meeting up later. I don't know how to say no, obviously, so I gave it to him and never met up with him because my drunken quest for food was far more important. So here's my issue. I now have a male stripper 10 years my senior calling me and

texting me on the regular, even though I never respond. I accidentally answered the phone once and immediately regretted it. He seems really polite and I don't want to be mean, but how do I tell this stripper that I don't want to sleep with him? Thanks, Shoshanna. So it happens the other way. Male strippers hit on females. She hooked up with this male stripper. That's pretty weird. Why did you get hooked up?

He did everything but go home run or something? She almost fucked him and she paid 20 and he's desperately trying like this is so backwards and strange i think i want to be a male stripper you're not supposed to do that do they have male stripper uh like clubs for people that don't look like strippers like if i was just a normal looking guy and I wanted to strip at a strip club, would they let me? I bet you would just have to be able to like dance. Cause I mean they all strippers of all different female strippers of all different shapes. What's the equivalent of me as a female stripper?

You have a very normal body. I think that's most female strippers for whatever reason, male strippers are, you imagine like magic Mike. Yeah. Super buff. You imagine like magic mike yeah super buff you imagine like magic mike yeah so yeah you're like think they have to be you'd have to be really buff but i'm sure you you're fine i want to be like a stripper that comes out in like a cardigan and a short sleeve shirt and then you take off the cardigan and then you undo my like khakis i

think the fun angle is that your dick is really small yeah right that's your thing yeah right what are you talking about blue it's not a big deal it's just me and you in a room we're just hanging out talking we could tell them promise yeah dude i don't want anybody to know they want to they really want it i'm just listening to this uploading it he frick this doesn't make any sense to me but he freaking promised i have to believe him i really don't think she should have hooked up with a stripper in the room well she hooked up with the stripper in the room that's not normal behavior to me this is you talk she wrote it so casually like that's what's supposed to happen at the strip club like have you ever gone into a private room and almost had sex with a stripper no i mean i don't i've never been to a private room with a stripper and also she's like and i only had to

pay twenty dollars uh i got quite a lot for twenty dollars without actually letting this male stripper hit a home run what do you imagine happened in that what does that mean i feel like he went down on her i think they 69'd you think they 16 that's the furthest you can get without sex right yeah i mean it's weird cause that's definitely, I think that's more intimate than sex. Of course. So it's weird that that's not as far as sex. That's a, that's an inside the park home run.

Yeah. That's it's, it's way more rare. Yeah. It's an unassisted triple play if you can imagine. Uh, so what, isn't it easy to not tell this? How i tell the stripper i don't want to sleep

with them i really i do think that you ignoring the text will tell him that she doesn't have to like specifically say no i i probably wouldn't i would probably just start if she if she's comfortable ignoring the text i think they'll stop coming in eventually and if they don't you just say hey i'm seeing somebody sorry it was nice meeting you it's easy i mean this is like it sounds it's sort of an interesting problem because it's like coming from a male stripper yeah but it's just like anybody you have like some sort of weird one-night hookup with. You don't owe them anything. You don't even owe them kindness or politeness.

She actually already paid him. Yeah, you paid him $20. You fulfilled your services. And I think I should retract that you don't. You owe everybody kindness and politeness. That's not true. But I do think ignoring the text is fine. And if it heats up, then you can just text back like, hey, sorry, I'm not.

I'm not interested. I don't want to. You're a male prostitute. No, I wouldn't say that because then he'll be like, all right, I'll lose that. No, no, don't really say that. But I would just say like, hey, it was really nice hanging out out but i don't see this going anywhere have a good one yeah uh it's good hanging out but i have a boyfriend oh that's good out forever those are good that's that's that's like fuck this noise if you don't like them you don't have to talk to them see you later hit the road

jack don't come back no more no more no more let's go to commercial jack then i't come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Let's go to commercial. Jack. Then I'll come back. And I'll still be singing, I promise you that. Yeah, yeah. All right, we'll be back on the other side of this commercial break. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Easy to sell. Easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

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Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back welcome uh we have show a show we have show we have show we have show uh march 30th at duke university let's do it coach k there is so little information online We just have assurances from the university that we are doing a show there. And Coach K is going to be there. No.

So is J.J. Reddick. Yes. Shane Battier is actually coming. That is correct. It's crazy. I'm so excited. So thrilled. Yeah.

So honored that Bobby Hurley himself is going to be emceeing the entire event. It's at the Reynolds Theater, I believe. Reynolds Theater. Either way, it's a big space. And they say tickets are free, and they say it's for students only. But, do you believe them? In my experience,

if you really want to go to the show... It's the pure heart rule. I really think you belong there. I think we can get you into the show it's the pure heart rule i really think you belong there i think we can get you into the show yeah because i don't know if we can get 600 students from duke to go right and i really hate to see if we can and then not yeah well maybe we can get 600 people from north carolina to go yeah there's a whole there's a whole mess of schools there unc travel hills right there it's the research triangle it's absolutely the research triangle.

It's Tobacco Road. It's the oldest rivalry in sports, and we expect everybody to come out. I don't care if you're a Tar Heel. I don't care if you're a member of the Wolfpack or a Blue Devil. You know, I don't care if you're a Coach K or a Coach Williams. Nice. I don't care if you're Rasheed Wallace or Elton Brand. I will say,

Tyler Hainsborough can suck my fat dick. Psycho T. I don't want you there, dude. UConn! Go UConn forever! Shabazz. What are you talking about? Boatwright.

We're not going. Hilton Armstrong. i'm such a charlie villanueva what a specific jake bosch school you only know yukon huskies from 1998 to 2002 i'm not gonna go for jake bosch that's closest that you've gone to actually cheering for a team, right? A basketball team. I mean, I was super into UConn when I was in high school

and college. Right. That's why I know those players. Yeah. I mean, since then, since then I'm passively, I like when they win.

Yeah. But, hence the Shabazz. Hence Shabazz for sure. All right, Duke University. Do your own research and try to find out where the show is because I can't find any information online.

And if you do find out, let us know. Please. Because all we have is sort of a poorly written contract hand scribbled on a napkin. But that'll be a fun weekend just like Austin. We try to hang out in Chapel Hill, Raleigh, Durham. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The big three.

That will be fun fun we should get tickets either way we'll find ourselves there whether we have tickets to get on a plane or not, I think we'll just end up I think I'll wake up on the 27th and just be there and want it, if I want it enough

then it'll happen did I want to talk i wanted enough that it'll happen um did i want to talk about um what was that nikki minaj song that we were talking about before the break that i was really into oh with uh the drake verse yeah i never fucked nikki but when that's i never fucked nikki because she got a man but when that's over i'm first in line yeah there's a song called only uh and it's Nikki Minaj and Drake and highly highly and Chris Brown I don't like talking about him because he's a he's a woman beater yeah but uh I'm trying to pull up the lyrics because it's a highly entertaining song it's fun when rap songs are also kind of funny

uh oh yeah so this is drake's verse i never fuck nikki because she got a man but when that's over i'm first in line the other day in her maybach i thought god damn it was a perfect time we just came from that video you know la traffic how the city's slow she was sitting down on that big butt but i was still staring at her titties though still staring at her titties though and then Still staring at her titties, though. And then even better. That's right. I like my girl's BBW, which is... Big Beautiful Women.

The type that want to suck you dry, then eat some lunch with you. It's really funny. And then so thick that everyone else in the room is so uncomfortable. Ass on Houston, Texas, but the face looks like claire huxtable he likes girls so thick that they will drink your semen and then still want to eat with you right so fat that everyone else nervous is she too fat i'm just afraid that drake is with this really morbidly obese woman. I'm so uncomfortable. It's a lady who looks like Big Pun.

I think that's not okay. Jabba the Ho just sitting down next to him. Drake just jerks off to be four pictures on The Biggest Loser. It's so uncomfortable. He wants a girl to make everybody else in the room literally uncomfortable. I think on his new mixtape he has a line that says something like, he's talking about a girl that he's with, he's like, ass so big that it's almost embarrassing. He's just pushing it further and further.

His next album is just going to be like, her ass is so big that i that i just shook my head and i said no this won't do her nutritionist and physician is just literally begging me to do something about it walked in the club with my new girlfriend we were we were a laughing stock absolutely she was literally 700 pounds could not walk uh is drake is Is Drake dating anybody famous? Does he actually really like larger women? I think. I mean, I don't know who he's dating or who he has dated.

I thought he was dating. I thought he dated Rihanna or something. She's not big. No. She's a liar. She's not BBW. I bet those big ass things aren't necessarily who he's dating. It's just who he's fucking. God.

This is a great song. Highly recommend it. Just reading. I really thought this was his verse in Truffle Butter. Isn't Truffle Butter like almost the exact same thing? Just various songs. There's Nicky's verse in this song, I never fucked Wayne I never fucked Drake. No, that is this song. That's the same song. Oh, that's this song? Yeah.

Okay. So we've never been talking about truffle butter oh lil wayne is in truffle butter right it is not in this one we have talked about truffle butter because truffle butter is also a really funny song oh it's so funny like collaborate with the girls like so maybe for this song i talk about how i really want to fuck you and how when you're done with your girl boyfriend i will fuck you. Nicki Minaj's boyfriend is just, hey, I heard your new song. It was catchy, but it irked me. Did Drake mean the shit about how he's first in line?

Nicki's verse is, I never fucked Wayne. I never fucked Drake. If I did, I'd have a Minaj with him and let him eat my ass like a cupcake. Yeah. So her boyfriend, the man that Drake is talking about, he's like, I can't fuck Nikki because she has a boyfriend. And she's saying, I haven't fucked them because I have a boyfriend.

But if I didn't, I would fuck them both and let them eat out my butthole together. Yeah, like it's chocolate frosting. This dude is just like okay fuck this nicky it's it's nicky see this is for the 16 year old who doesn't like when his girlfriend talks about other guys being cute imagine your girlfriend was nicky minaj and she was talking about how she's gonna let other guys fuck her wouldn't be funny if nicky minaj's boyfriend is just like her accountant glenn just this 33 year old normal guy who went to like, I don't know, Arizona. NC State.

NC State. And then he like got his CPA and he met Nicki Minaj at a club and now they're going out. I guess I don't really feel all that comfortable, Nicki. Oh, Christ, Nicki. This new verse is annoying. I was saying like if you're dating Nicki Minaj, you don't get to say anything. Right.

You just get to date Nicki Minaj. And you just be quiet. Yeah. Those are the two things you get to do. So whenever he's upset, Nicki Minaj should just be like, okay, then I'll break up with you. No. Wait. No, no.

No, Nicki. It. No, no. No, Nicki. It's fine, obviously. I just, I would like, all right, you would like what? To break up? No, I just know that. Then I'll keep on doing whatever I want. Yes. And you'll get to date Nicki Minaj.

That's right. That's a good deal, Nicki. I just know for a fact that Drake is first in line. I want you to stop talking. And I might even go fuck Drake now. do you want to break up with me no i don't want to break up with you you know what fuck it i'm gonna fuck drake anyway fine damn it diva just please don't let him eat your ass like a cupcake he is going to shit my mom was. I shouldn't have dated a pop star. I should have dated Sheila. My anaconda don't. Oh, also, I just realized we should mention the bikes we got. Oh, shoot.

I learned how to ride a bike for the first time. You didn't. I crashed it. I do have a video. It's pretty funny of you crashing a bike. But we got free bikes from Hang Ten Bikes. And we told them we'd give them a shout out. But only if the bikes were chill. And? Thankfully, they are. Yes!

They're chill and also dope. I wonder if we can do this exchange like at the grocery store. Like we'll just buy groceries and be like, we can do this exchange like at the grocery store like we'll just buy groceries and be like we can give you cash for this or if the food is chill we'll say it we'll say thanks on our podcast and then the girls laughed out this is me talking to the machine that's like self-scan yeah is it a robotic foot sir the lemon is 29 cents do you want it or not i don't i don't want the lemon uh so how can people get the bikes oh uh well you go to hangtenbikes.com peruse their selection check them out they are cool beach cruiser type vehicles oh very chill very chill they're really

well made they're really cool looking and they're fun to ride too. Cause we, uh, we did that and I can tell you from experience that they're chill. I can't stress enough that from our experience, they're chill. Uh, and I,

I actually don't think you can even order them online. You, they're like, you pick them up in real life at a bike shop. So you would call your bike shop and see if they carry the real well you can go on i think you can go online and see where their dealers are so you can yeah can i recommend to them that they should just ship bikes that's yeah if they're listening you guys should ship i don't fucking hope they what if they do and i'm just not saying it just go to their website and you can find everything out that you need to

hangtenbikes.com They might ship. I don't think they do. I think they will tell you where their bikes are found. And then you find them. Yeah. It's like a scavenger hunt where you have to pay money for the product. That's the best kind of scavenger hunt. We really should work this out. If people don't have enough

money to pay us to hawk their products, we'll do it if you just give us a cool product yeah like so if you make something cool we'll talk about it if we like it yeah i think that's basic we just boiled down uh the show business industry in one sentence nikki minaj actually contacted us and said hey if you guys like wow if you guys like uh only uh-, talk about it on your show. And they'd send us a free MP3. All right. This last question is from, let's call this guy.

I only know another female's name in your mom's book. Oh, yeah. There's not a guy introduced for a little bit. Oh. Peter Max is just a name I saw in it. So Peter Max. Great. Peter Max writes,

Hey guys, I met this girl on Tinder and nothing happened between us for about 11 months. We were Snapchat friends, so I would see her story but never messaged her until eight weeks ago. We started talking and we got along super well and we even had plans for a date three weeks after we started talking and we got along super well and we even had plans for a date three weeks after we started talking again. The date went well and she texted me how she liked me and how I was the only guy who was not into drugs or alcohol that liked her and that she liked how calm and understanding I was.

Then I planned another date and she said yes and then three hours before I was going to pick her, she said she couldn't go. I planned another date and the same thing happened all over again. All together four times in the course of three weeks. Then she would stop replying to my text. But then five hours later, she says she's really sorry and stuff and how she really wants to hang out. It's a cycle of not responding and apologizing many hours later. While she was drunk, she called me and she told me how she wanted to fuck me and how she wanted me so badly. That gave me hope that she really does want me. So I kept persisting. And today, we were supposed to see a movie. A movie she told me she wanted to see with me, but she canceled again. Then I check on her Snapchat and I see her friends

and her are posting pictures of the movie that we were going to see that night on their stories. Do you think her friends and her are playing a sick game on me?

Or should I just wait it out for a few more weeks? Please let me know. And good job with your show. I listen to it all the time. Thanks, Peter Max. Peter Max, thank you for that

detailed account of what went wrong the timelines really important that actually reminds me of the the nikki minaj and her boyfriend like this girl is just like yeah meet up with me i like how you're so normal all right nah never mind i can't all right maybe we should see a movie sure let's do it ah fuck it never mind i can't right but she's just like so hot and she's such a famous star with a fat ass. Oh, wait, this girl isn't. Oh. Yeah. This girl just, you know what she's,

what her Nicki Minaj star power is, that one phone call that she's like, oh, I want to fuck you. Yeah. Like a girl can do that once and that'll last like six months of keeping a guy on the hook. Right, right, right, right, right.

Real Nicki's only. So much, I mean, this is not a good situation for this guy he's holding out hope yes and her friends are not trolling you they just don't think about you you're definitely overthinking if you're like uh i think this is a sick scam and everyone thought to get me more likely than that this girl's just a little aloof because she's a little wacky yeah she said she only hangs out with people that do drugs and alcohol yeah so here's what i would say if it's been several weeks and she's bailed on every single date uh the phone call should only show you for sure that she's unstable. So let's have a nice cathartic moment of just letting it go entirely. Let it go. Let it go.

So yeah, let it go entirely. And never talk to her again. Let her, I mean, the fucking ultimate would be if you just really stop responding, like stop texting her, she might start texting you. And then you don't even text her back. Wow. You he has the the willpower to be that strong of a man because like you went on one date with a tinder match like this i think he went on a date with her no i thought he he did go on one date and he said that it went well did he and he said that

she texted him after and said like she liked how calm he was. I think we started talking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The date went well, and she texted. She liked me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they've been on one date in eight months. Yeah.

So this isn't that serious of a relationship that it's worth pursuing in any real way, so let's just make it a social experiment, and you never talk to her again, and see how thirsty she gets. Oh, that's interesting. But what if she gets so thirsty that he then becomes into it again? Then, like, see's interesting. But what if she gets so thirsty that he then becomes into it again? Then, like, see that through.

If she gets so desperate that she's like, I want to see you right now, then say, okay, I'll come over. And then she cancels. It's just a series of people taking the upper hand from the other person. Yeah, but, like, right now he's losing the game so bad that I want to just give him advice to help him. Like, he has to cancel on her three times just to even the playing right you need like just for a little while you need to not be interested so literally don't text her don't text her don't message her and you know what if the two options are one she'll become into it and reach out to you and then your lack of response will like get her more and more interested or she will just never reach out

to you i guess that one's probably more likely yeah but then you'll get over it and more interested or she will just never reach out to you i guess that one's probably more likely yeah but then you'll get over it and it's going to be fine either way keep on swiping on tinder this what's happening right now is um no bueno it's no good no i mean you get this kind of stuff on text jake where it's like sometimes people are asking for advice but the best advice is to not send a text at all yes that's true it's like in basketball sometimes the best advice is to not send a text at all. Yes, that's true. It's like in basketball, sometimes the best trade is the one you don't make. Right. I think texting is like, it's like giving this,

like a girl a tiny little dessert. It's pretty sweet. It's like, hey, do you want to M&M's? Do you want to hurt your kiss? And it's like a nice cute little gesture and she's like, oh yeah, sure. Yes, thank you. And she doesn't necessarily give you one back but she's just saying thank you. And that's like, oh, yeah, sure. Yes, thank you. And she doesn't necessarily give you one back, but she's just saying thank you.

And that's like, what are you saying? Like, you're really pretty. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Thanks. And if you give somebody too much sweets, if you give somebody too many M&Ms, they're like, thanks. I'll get my own M&Ms. I don't want this. I don't want this from you anymore.

It's too sweet. It's too much. I'm full. But then, what he's done, after he's fed her lots and lots of M&M's and Hershey Kisses, now he's just going to stop feeding her. Uh-oh.

No more dessert for me. But she's addicted. But she's got a little sweet tooth, doesn't she? And now she's going to reach out and she's going to be like, hey, how are you? But what she's really saying is, do you have any M&M's? Hey, would you feed me chocolate? really saying is do you have any m&ms hey would you feed me chocolate and you nothing no i don't have anything and then eventually she's gonna get really hungry rabbit for it she's just like give me give me the m&ms and you say no i'm sorry i

don't have any and then she's gonna start giving you m&ms oh so there you go and then you'll start feeding each other and then eventually fuck m&mshey Kisses. You'll be eating her ass like a cupcake. Do you understand? Bringing it back. I love it. Thank you. All right. Let's end it on that. For the win.

That was great, man. That was totally awesome. All right. So if you have your own questions, please email them to ifireadyshow at gmail.com. We start and end every episode with an original theme song written by our talented fans. If you have your own, send that to that same email address. The opening one is from CJ Mom of PopSource Radio.

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To ifireyoushow At gmail.com No bonus episode Thursday this week So we'll be back In seven calendar days See ya Peace

If I were you The show With Drake and Amir Drake is a ladies man Amir is weird On the show with Drake and Amir. Drake is a ladies man, Amir is weird. On the show they will show you how to yodel you. And they will teach you how to seize the cheese. I hope you think this is very toad-oo, kill yourself in a Starbucks. You're above the law.

Are you ready to get some advice from two handsome Jews and two little candles and sometimes two? Then sit back, relax, and listen close to Jake and Amir on this year's show. She wants to lay in the middle of us. Hey, everybody. I don't know if you've heard, but your favorite website, thechive.com, now has words. And it's come in the form of our shiny new podcast right over at Podcast One. us i'm john rezek uh this is bob phillip hi every thursday for a mix of chai culture celebrity interviews and offbeat current events you never know who's gonna drop by the

studio and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them so it's the chai podcast it's total ear candy there's no snark involved in. And you can download it now at PodcastOne.com. That's PodcastOne.com.