Segments - 137: Shower Sex (w/ Lil Dicky!)

Episode Date: March 2, 2015

Rapper Lil Dicky joins us to discuss masturbation, basketball, and getting older. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, Audible, and Prosper.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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boys. Lil Dicky got that Jewish flow. Yeah. He got that dude. Lil Dicky, a rapsmith in his own right, was on our program to give advice. Let's get started. If I were you, show.com Sends in your emails if you've got a problem Anonymous names, but the problems are real So seize that cheese, it's too dumb, dude Real Seize that Cheese Help you deal Turn down the volume It's time for the podcast

Try not to be An asshole Put you on blast Try not to be an asshole Or they might put you on blast All right, we're back. We're not back, we're here for the first time. Well, I guess we're back since Monday. Sir, Lil Dicky, right? Lil Dicky?

Yeah. Is that okay? It sounds like you're teasing. Lil? You know what? Or just Dicky? What should I? I don't know.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I would say when I rap, it really will depend on like the amount of syllables I need if I refer to myself as Lil or Little. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I would say Lil Dickie makes sense, but like LD. Oh, LD is good.

LD is cool. That's like Larry David. Yeah, exactly. Which is the best thing. Does Lil Wayne do that too? He never calls himself Lil Wayne, does he? If the rhyme scheme like presents itself that way, I think he might have to. Do you think he thinks about that?

The rhyme scheme? If he's not thinking about that, then he's not thinking about much. I feel like that's his sole responsibility. Then I would bet on not much. I would err on the side of not much. Lil Dick, you're a professional rapper. True or false?

True. That's your profession. Do you wish that you're a professional rapper. Yeah. True or false? True. That's your profession. That's my goal. That's your whole goal. You wish. Do you wish that you were a funny rapper? I guess it would be fun. We all kind of like that.

Yeah. It's not nearly as fun as you think. Yeah, because you actually have to do shit. Yeah, it's just an anxiety. It's fun to say that you're a professional rapper. Exactly. It's great in the online dating world. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. They're like, what do you do? Tinder bio? Oh, professional rapper. Yeah, it is. And they're like, ha, ha, ha. No, no, no, seriously. And they're like what do you do tinder bio professional rap yeah it is my yeah and they're like ha ha ha yeah no no no seriously and they're like do you have anything like to show me i'm like oh yeah sure and i'll just send them like let me freak and they'll be like whoa so what is what's your most popular let me freak view count it's ex-boyfriend okay that

was the first thing i put out too so that was do you remember we pre-gamed to that song in iceland let me goddamn right you pre-gended that night we did that's awesome uh so for those of you guys listening who don't know little dicky is uh uh a white jewish rapper yeah but how i don't know how would you describe what are you you're just white and jewish i'm two-thirds of you uh no i don't know i i think is it a comedy rapper a regular rapper like your songs are so fucking impressive, but they're also funny. Thank you. Yeah, no, I think because I'm, like, now, like, going into, like, I have, like, songs that aren't funny, too.

Oh, you're starting to fully into that. Yeah, I'm starting to, like, take myself kind of seriously. Shit, it's happening already? No, but, like, yeah, but, like, I'm never, I'm not going to not, like, I don't think there'll ever be a point where, release a project where at least half of it's not funny. It's like the Eminem thing. It's like half of the songs are like, I'm going to hump a dead moose. And then some of them are like, I'm going to fucking kill you, you stupid bitch. There's no in between.

Yeah, totally. That's kind of how it is for me, too. Oh, yeah. So you have this, too. It's just different. I'm not humping mooses. No, not yet. Because Eminem's funny raps aren't that funny.

No. Yeah, they're different. They're funny, but they're funny. I'd say Eminem is funny raps aren't that funny. No. They're like, yeah, they're different. They're funny, but they're funny. I'd say Eminem is like a rapper who's also funny. Right. Whereas I kind of was just like a funny guy who also rapped. But now it's kind of turning, I don't know. It's like more of like a rapper who's funny, too.

I don't know. Who's the second, if you're the funniest rapper? Or let's say without including yourself, who's the funniest rapper? Rapper. Because some rappers are pretty funny yeah they're not necessarily don't lovers a straight-up comedian yeah but his raps are like the anti-funny yeah they're like i'm so i'm in like the darkest place yeah yeah you know it's pretty funny is drake we were talking about that song last week he's got like a good sense of humor

it seems i think lil wayne can be pretty funny oh yeah is he funny on purpose he's like shack he's just so insane that it's funny. See, I think Shaq deserves credit for being funny in my mind. But I think he's like dad funny. He's like making jokes. You're like, oh my God, it's funny that Shaq is doing that. I don't think he's actually funny. I don't know if I can agree.

You think Shaq is actually. I think Shaq is like a comedically impressive human being. All right. No. Funniest rapper. I don't know. Rick Ross to me is funny like oh yeah i think he like knows that he's being funny yeah who else like there's some guy no yeah cameron's kind of funny there's someone else that i like saw recently and i was like

he's got to see it the way everyone else is seeing it i got like a little b like you know what i mean like are you he's self-aware is he just doing that like it's like yeah i don't know let me think on it all right cool uh wait let's just get started you know what this is this is an advice podcast you've been on one podcast before yeah but this is your first advice podcast yeah okay so it's called if i were you and people will email us and they're like i need some advice i need some help and jake and i will do our best to advise them out of it so it has to just of it? Or just give him your honest advice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As if we were them.

Couldn't be better. I feel like that's one of my biggest strengths. And we don't always have a guest. We don't always have a guest, so this is a very special moment. Okay, well, I'm happy to help out. Oh, wait, we had a rapper once. Yeah. But not a comedian.

Do you know Hoodie Allen? I don't know him personally, but I know who he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was that? It was good. It was funny. Are you good at freestyling, or that's a totally different skill? Totally different skill.

I would assume I'm better than the average American male, but I don't take pride in it. Right, right, right. Okay. Well, fine. That's fine. You wanted him to say yes so you could tell him to freestyle. Because Jake's really good,

so it's fun to have people battle each other back and forth. I'm not really good. Did you say I was really good? Yeah, you're good. I don't have to. Yeah, you're better than me. Thanks, man. I don't have to be super good at something to participate in.

That's true. Yeah, I'm not a pussy. Can I curse on this? Yeah, totally. You just can't say pussy, but everything else is fine. We're going to bleep the first pussy and not Jake's. You know when sometimes we like do songs and for advice at the end of it i thought it'd be funny to like try to do a freestyle oh yeah yeah

like we'll give our advice and then maybe like a freestyle version of it okay we can try it try for the first one and see how it goes it could be horrible but that's america yeah horrible that's uh that's america's slogan yeah it could be, but that's America. We'll see. Yeah, we'll find out. Let's get to the first question. So LD, these are real emails from real people, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. We don't want them getting out, you know? Yep.

So as a guest, can you give us a fake female's name? I was going to say Sandra Bullock. That's a real one. But it's definitely not say Sandra Bullock. That's a real one. But it's definitely not from Sandra Bullock, so I think that preserves her anonymity. I'm ashamed, but that's what I came up with. You are good at freestyling. See what I mean?

30 minutes and then Sandra. All right, Sandra Bullock. You think Julia Roberts hates Sandra Bullock? I don't even think that they're on each other's radar. I've never heard of her. What a great comment. It's funny. I don't even think about you at all.

All right. Hey, guys. I've always been a pretty straight-laced sex. I've always been pretty straight-laced sex-wise. And though I've been with quite a few guys, I generally stick to the basics. Vaginal sex almost always in the missionary position. A guy I've been with for about two months said he wanted to broaden my sexual horizons and convinced me to do anal she was very he was sorry he was very gentle at first but then it started to get too rough for me

and i squeaked out and pulled my body forward as i did so the worst happened and i gave my boyfriend a light spray of shit on his dick ranging from a droplet of brown water to what Amir would refer to as a tadpole-sized shart. My boyfriend quickly left my house after having a shower, and aside from a few texts, has not been in contact with me since that terrible night. I was thinking about getting him something to apologize, like a gift. Do you have any suggestions on what it could be? Or is there something else I can do to make up for this situation? Thanks, Sandra Bullock. Can I start chiming in?

Just chime. Yeah, just chime in. I think, Sandra, your whole POV is really out of whack on this whole thing. It sounds like you borderline got raped. Wow. This is great, because we didn't coach him at all. This is exactly what I'm thinking, too. And for some reason, you're under the impression that you need to buy him a gift to apologize for being raped in like a not so glamorous fashion.

By the way, the advice she's seeking is what gift should I buy? Yeah, that's crazy. We're going to just infer from this and give you completely different advice. Yeah, totally. And then as you guys are talking, I'm putting away my answer, which is just like a baseball hat or a basketball. It's like a micro USB hard drive. It's like a gig on a thumb drive.

Chromecast. Get them Chromecast. 35 bucks. Apple TV. The worst gift. It's like the corporate gifts that companies give to their employees. She's going to get them a Fitbit for pooping on it a starbucks gift card this is probably his plan all along

i'm gonna fuck you so hard you'll owe me a fitbit at the end so a lot of our questions are like this where girls are just getting emotionally and borderline physically sexually abused by guys and then the guys make them feel so bad that she she i don't know this is so sad like she feels the need to apologize first of all he wanted to do the anal he's the one that hurt her she tried and like her body reacted in a way and then he got so upset that he took a shower left and is ignoring her calls you can't go too hard you've never had anal have you ever had anal sex no i actually don't see the butt as a sexual thing that's you too the hole interesting i wonder if it's a jewish dude thing could be i'm jewish yeah but you're like you're not sexually jewish excuse me you have

the sexual proclivities of a non-jew uh well i'm just saying like he if he starts pounding too hard on your ass the first time you're having anal sex that's very that's dangerous like of course i don't think it was the like i've heard a story that's like slightly worse than that where it like it was like have you heard of like the pink sock yeah oh yeah where you like the prolapse goes inside out that would be like worse because then of course that would be worse right thank god she had a prolapsed anus and he was mad at her for it it'd be funny if that's your advice always you're like it could be worse you could have a prolapsed rectum. Anyway, what else?

I'm having a relationship issue with my dad. Could be worse. Yeah. Your anus could be inside out. That's part of it, actually. So our bit of advice, don't give him a gift. Yeah, you should never speak to this guy again. Break up with him.

Yeah. Move forward and be stronger as a human. Yeah. Not only ask for his forgiveness, he should be asking for your forgiveness. And not only that, I don't think you should give him your forgiveness. I think this is, do you think this is grounds for termination? I think this is grounds for determination. I determine this is grounds for termination.

See, I would be good at freestyle. There's a real, oh, why don't we start with that? Okay. Okay. Shit. Beatboxing? We're doing this right now? I think so.

I think the advice is over. Okay, go for it. I love it. I've never done this. Do you know how to give a beat? Yeah, I can give a beat for him. Yeah, yeah. So we'll start with Jake.

Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Six ha. Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Six, stand up. Okay. All right. Let's sit down, Six.

Sandra B., you and me, you don't put it in your beast. Just lean forward. Lean out of the relationship. This guy, this shitty dick guy has a shitty dick in his eye. That's what he deserves. Do you know that you've been served with divorce papers? This is termination. Ground for determination.

This is a situation. I don't know. I'm done. That was pretty good. Well done. Quick. That was cool. It was kind of like rifled through everything that just happened.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't have an opinion. I just recapped. Yeah. A rap cap. So who? You or LD? I think that's it yeah i'm the rapper now can i have your youtube followers yes sir uh no should we try or should we do alternate

question i feel like it's more of a competition if you guys do like yeah it's your turn now okay all right so you can so you want to give me a beat? Yeah. All right, so we'll go around. So then I'll give you a beat. This is something that we should have figured out before. We should have talked about it. We can edit this part out.

The rules. All right, actually, get me a pen and paper. This should be like a double elimination bracket. What was that? All right. I'm embarrassed with my beat. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

No, wait. Oh, no. All right. Who does... I really can't do this. Give yourself a beat. I'll give you a beat. Okay.

Bullock Sandra, this is your mantra. Don't give a guy what he doesn't need. Don't give him what he wants and what he can't appreciate. He's got to get... Okay, wait. Start over. You gave yourself the word appreciate. That was dope.

Oh, that was good? Yeah. Okay. You gave yourself the word appreciate. That was dope. Oh, that was good? Yeah. Okay. You were rapping. Like you had like a whole flow and like a swag to you. Really? Because I thought it was bad, but Jesus. It sounded like a gay father telling a bedtime story.

Yeah. That's what I did. Isn't that what rap is? That's how rap started. That's evolving into that at least. Hip hop. Hip hop. the bunny went into his hole uh i don't even want to try again i'll give you i'll give you one ready yeah wait sandra

with the asshole okay okay that's all you need yeah tell me why girl why you gotta cry about this guy? He was so demeaning. I don't really understand the meaning of your sadness. It's madness. You shouldn't give him a second chance. He doesn't deserve it. Cool.

I'm out. I gotta go swim in the pool. See, I'm not like I'm so average. No, that was good. I'm just like so gotta go swim in the pool. See, I'm not like I'm swimming. No, that was good. I'm just like so average. You cried a little bit. Like I should be so much better. It's because I like, yeah.

Well, it was more of a performance. You really got into it. Yeah, yeah. You matched his beat. I emotionally went somewhere else. It's hard. It's like telling like a, it's like dragging a movie writer on stage

and be like, all right, go and do five minutes of jokes. He's like, what? That's totally. I'll be slightly better than someone else who didn't do it professionally but i need to i need to write and figure shit out right yeah uh still you are yeah that is correct slightly better than average yeah yeah uh all right let's get to the next question i was so focused on giving a beat that i couldn't hear you and talk at the same time. I said nothing of consequence anyway. I can't do it. Well, you don't have any rhythm.

Yeah, that's my problem. No rhythm. Yeah. Teach me. Bad dancer? I'm a good dancer, actually. What if he's hearing it? Yeah, he can move to it.

Right, but I can't. You guys really know each other, huh? We do. Too well. A little bit too much. All right. We got a guy's name. LD, we got a guy's name. LD, you got a guy's name

for us? Alexander Bullock. You're not who I asked. Let's go with Sid Booker. Oh, I like that. You're just giving us names that we can rap to later. Well, Sid Booker writes, Sup bros, I got this problem as of now and listened to the podcast

multiple times a day so i figured out you guys could help me and my gf just moved out of our townhouse we had together due to space issues living alone is expensive so i was forced to move in with roommates i found an awesome place and a great location for the perfect price the problem is it's a three-bedroom two-b. And I shared a bathroom with a girl except she's 17 and I'm 24, which isn't a problem. The problem is that my GF is having a fucking heart attack and already is accusing me and saying, I'm going to take showers with her and cheat on her with a 17 year old,

which is fucking retarded. What do I do? Help. Love, Sid Booker. These are the problems of America's youth. Yeah. You want me to win first? I don't know. Does anything

pop out to you when I read that question? How does a 17-year-old have her own apartment? She's pretty young. The girl must be hot. She must be hot. She's living so long. The girl must be super hot. And honestly, I'm. She's living so long. That's got to be the, like, the girl must be, like, super hot. And honestly, I'm, like, attracted to, like, young, like, the younger you look, the more attracted I am to you.

You can't get young enough. I think, like, honestly, if, like, a girl, like, to me at her hottest is, like, an 18-year-old who looks like a really hot 16-year-old. Oh, my God. What about a nine-year-old that looks like a really hot six-year-old? Wait, you're on Tinder, right? Oh, yeah. What's your age range?

You go down to 18. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I always will. I always will. Although, to be honest, I think I was just at a frat party at college, and I felt the age difference. Yeah.

This is about, because how old are you? 26. Yeah, that's when it starts. How do you think? We go to do college shows sometimes, and we go out and party afterwards. I still feel like I'm in college, and then I see college kids, and I'm like, oh, I thought you guys were in seventh grade. Yeah.

Like, you guys are young. Yeah, it's weird. I love the actual partying. The college form of it is the most fun form of partying for me. I wish I could get my 26-year-old friends together and party that way at all times, but you can't. It's true. I'm going to derail it. No, no, no. this is exactly what you're supposed to do yeah call it why are college

parties so much better than every other party well i think every kid that's at that party goes into that night with like the sole mission of like how can this night be the best night of my life holy shit and when you're out anywhere else there's just like people are in such different places they're like okay i'm gonna have one drink and go home i drove here so i'm like i'm gonna just take it easy tonight right in college doesn't matter what year you are like, okay, I'm going to have one drink and go home. I drove here. So I'm like, I'm going to just take it easy tonight. In college, it doesn't matter what year you are. Like you're thinking like, I don't have, this is like a very temporary time in my life. Like I have X amount of these left. Like this needs to be the most fun version of it tonight. See, that's, that's a, that's like a forward thinking way. Like when you're 26, that's how you should tell

college kids to think. But I don't know if college kids actually think that this time is temporary. They just are, they're just by default living in this utopia. Going hard all the time. It's like where their parents are paying for everything. Everybody's just on the, even if, you know, like whatever the mentality behind it is, like everybody is on the same page. Same page. They're just like.

Sexually. Getting wasted and wanting to fuck. Yeah. And that's the best. How can I get like so drunk to the point where like I'm okay to have sex tonight? Like that's like kind of like what everybody's like mindset is. It's kind of like why some people prefer college sports to professional right it's like i don't know they're just kids having fun and it's so exciting and the crowd is so into it

and it's like that's the where did you go to school university of richmond was it and when you were in college was it like that or like yeah i mean totally the like going back there now as like a rapper is so different than being there as like a guy nobody really cares about did you go back and perform at your old school not yet that'd be really it would be fun i have there's no like you know i there's no one there that was there when i went at this point no no yeah it's totally different right so like i don't know but but you do shows at colleges yeah and they come out and they know who you are yeah like that's my like demo that's like my sweet spot and like honestly like i like i love it like it's just it's just like it's just weirder like i wish i didn't find it i don't know how these guys like you know these rappers are fucking 18 year old yeah it's like their whole lives right

and i hope that i can evolve emotionally to the point where i can become that guy right now it's hard right now it's difficult it's tough when you go out to these shows are you is it just you afterwards or you got a buddy i have like a small crew and the crew is like kind of like it's like like isn't that crew supposed to help you like you're not supposed to go out into the yeah how okay is the crew with fucking 18 year olds they're pretty liberal about it the problem is the crew is doesn't like consist for the most part of like my like jewish high school friends it consists of like like this super urban dude from south central la who's like my hype man oh shit yeah he's got like like like dreads okay uh we just like see the floor

differently if that makes sense do you have any problems hooking up with fans well problems emotionally or like i honestly get very little pussy out of this so problems like in terms of pulling it off sure yeah uh but like like if i've never had like a smoking hot girl come up to me after a show and be like i'm such a big fan of yours and i'm also like single and like this hot right like i don't know what like i think of my preferences for her not to be a fan but i i don't i'm in no position to turn down like an eight or above at this point i love how candid you are about all this yeah so how does unfortunate yeah how does that not if you're a rapper you go to this you go to this school you perform you fucking destroy probably

i mean your lyrics are very impressive yeah and then these crowd is going wild then you go out afterwards and you meet there's you're not going to meet one attractive girl who saw that there's so many there's if you're really that interested there's like a lot of factors that go into it it's harder than you think a if you if you want me to really break it down. A, imagine you just wrapped, right? And you're soaking with sweat. Yeah, yeah. It's also like, let's say, 11.45.

Right. And you're drenched in sweat. Yeah. And you're at a point now where it's like, what do you do next? To me, there's not even an option that exists where I go out that sweaty. I can't do it. You can't. I have no self-confidence.

If I'm going to go out and speak to these kids like i need to like think i'm like relatively cool yeah uh so i the shower needs to happen if it's not at the venue which it most of the time is not i need to go figure out a place to shower oftentimes it's like i'll like end up like showering at like these frat houses or something which is fine whatever i i then i'm at the point where i'm out if it's a bar situation like it's i'm always there so late. And, like, the lights come on at, like, 1.30 everywhere but New York and Vegas. So timing's an issue. Timing's a massive issue.

I go on stage at, like, 10. Right. And, like, I'm not even drunk. Like, I don't even drink before a show. So I got, like, a lot of catching up to do if I'm trying to get, like, mentally numb. You know what I mean? So then I go, and then, like, I don't know. Like, I'm not able to have sex with a girl that I don't mentally respect.

Oh, interesting. Like if I like can't like if she doesn't have. As you're talking, I'm finding every single, every single problem. I don't know in 10 seconds if this girl is like on the level mentally that she needs to be to have sex with me. Wow. And that's why. And it's not even that like high of a level. I was talking about eights earlier. Intellectually, she's just got to be a two.

No, she's got to gotta be like I don't know she's gotta be able to like impress me in like the smallest of ways like I need to if I don't respect a girl that I'm having sex with it feels like

it's like I'm taking advantage of something oh see and then I just get really weird that's nice that's mature yeah I'm overly I think I'm over

you could say I'm overly mature but I'm also like overly like soft about it you know what I mean like I'm a pussy about it but you could say that's more mature yeah yeah yeah I'm impressed you could say I'm overly mature but I'm also like overly like soft about it you know what I mean like I'm a pussy about it but that's good it's more mature yeah yeah I'm impressed by that right yeah but I don't think it's because maybe it is because I feel bad I don't know it's it's it's a selfish maturity right it's not because I necessarily care about these poor girls it's

because I care about how I feel about these poor girls right but fortunately because you care about how you feel it like it's a win-win it's a win-win because it's good for them and a lose-lose at the same time yes because i'm not having any sex yeah i don't know it's just more it's more complex than you think i'm not able to be like yo like you like let's go but this is interesting because like i mean a bunch of i bet a lot of people watch your videos see you're in concert like oh that guy can just he's gonna go into the crowd grab with somebody by their wrist drag them back and that's everyone's perception and my shows are literally literally like 88 guys 12 percent and like of that 12 it's like six percent were dragged by their boyfriends so i'm working with like a six percent that's usually like like a weird six percent it's not it's not like my wife

it's just like you know what i mean right so like that's a factor to begin with oh i had something else to say what did you just say? Dragging a girl back or the public perception. The public perception. And then I think the perception also is these girls are like, oh, it'd be cool to hook up with a rapper. And then when I actually take it to a place like, okay, what's your number? Let's text.

There have been times where I've been talking to a girl. I think it's going great. She's in college. I'm a rapper to her. And she simply won't respond to my text later that night. Right, because like the... And I'm literally, I'm texting her. That's all she wants.

That's like a huge whiff. She's like, I have his number, he texted me, there we go. I don't know, maybe that is. I think it's her being like, oh, this is like reality. This is real. How many girls does this guy fuck?

Right. Am I really going to have a one-night stand with this random guy? I feel uncomfortable. Reality sets in. That's when you have to be John Mayer. I know. And I go after all the girls.

I don't go after the sluts. The sluts that present themselves, I'm really disinterested in. I tell them when I'm at the party, I'll ask the guys. I'll say, now listen, I don't know who goes to this school. I don't know whose rep is what, but this is what I'm interested in. I'm interested in the girl that every guy here is like, that girl is amazing, and I want to marry that girl. Oh, wow.

That's the girl. And they're all like, well, she's never going to have sex with you. And I'm like, let me worry about that. Yeah, I want to meet my wife. I see. At every moment. Right. I'm ready to meet her.

I got you. Have you ever had a girlfriend while you were a rapper at the same time? Yes. Not a good... Not a great combo. Not a great combo. We broke up. Yeah. up yeah so i worked in san francisco like i moved to san francisco after school and i had a girlfriend like a very serious

girlfriend and like she didn't necessarily sign up to date a rapper yeah like it just turned into like we couldn't really do anything without like backing out of how it affected rap like it was like oh you want to go to napper for a weekend let me just like think if i have to like shoot a music video right and like she she didn't want to go to Napa for a week and let me just like think if I have to like shoot a music video. Right. And like, she didn't want to be put second behind anything. How can I put anything first before this blossoming rap career?

Would you say you prefer Rapa to Napa? Yeah. That was really, that's all I got. That was really okay. Napa is like pretty dope though. Yeah, it's nice.

Well, I ask because like, there's inherent jealousy, which brings us back to this question. Look at that. This guy hosts a podcast, am ask because there's inherent jealousy, which brings us back to this question. Look at that. This guy hosts a podcast. Am I right? Am I right, ladies?

That's why he holds the Zoom. And you just know what a Zoom is. The issue with a 17-year-old, like, okay, I think you have, to me, it just sounds like it's a very immature relationship. It's like, you can't be like, no, trust me, I i'm not gonna have sex with this 17 year old girl just because we share a shower right that to me is like this is almost a non-issue it's funny that i bet it i don't mean to be condescending we are all imagining i mean these people are insane when it comes to jealousy right you're like the leap that she's making is like

you're both doors open into this shower i'm just imagining a jack and jill bathroom yeah that's smart so like you guys walk in at the same time you're definitely gonna fuck even if it's a mistake oh excuse me yeah think about your own life dude like is that ever how it actually works no like you're not like this isn't like how it works right also i feel like jealous people should always think like you know what i bet her boyfriend would fuck the 17 year old but like would the 17 year old want to fuck her boyfriend it's the 17-year-old. But would the 17-year-old want to fuck her boyfriend? It's because people don't. Well, she loves him, so in her mind.

Yeah, everybody wants to fuck her boyfriend. Yeah, exactly. But in everybody else's mind, her boyfriend's just some dude with a girlfriend. To me, it sounds like you just got to break down why you have no reason to be jealous. And if the girl can't really understand that, I don't think she's worthy of your time. Unless you don't have to value that. You can't earn trust. You just have to be like,

I'm not going to have sex with her. It's like negotiating with terrorists. So if you're like, you're right, I shouldn't live there. And then she's like, okay, great. Live somewhere else. And then you find another apartment. And uh-oh, turns out your landlord is a woman.

Even though she's 56 and has a family of her own, your girlfriend is like, well, you're going to just fuck her every time she needs your rent. My favorite thing to say to a girl is I don't negotiate

with terrorists. I say it all the time. If they say something in the sense that it has to happen that way, I'm always down to have a conversation about how things need to happen.

But if you talk to me as if a terrorist would talk to me, I'm out. I think in any relationship, you just present your feelings because that's like those are facts and you can never like project them like you cannot live with this girl because you'll fuck her you don't say that you say i feared you living with this girl because i'm afraid something will happen you'll cheat on me and then you say i understand that you feel that way

i will not do that and do you accept these terms and she says no and then i mean it's just like any offer you just have to be like okay some people are like uncomfortable about putting their actual feelings out there about anything like i it's crazy how often people get weirded out just by having like a debate right like there are just realities that exist i'm just trying to express what i view the realities are would love to hear what you think the realities are and then in the middle is like kind of like where like our mutual reality exists and like people like can't get to that place the venn diagram because people are so like they mask insecurity and fear and like sadness and loneliness

as anger so she's coming into the situation like you can't live with this girl you're gonna fuck her but what she's like really feeling in her is, I'm scared and lonely and nervous that you're going to hurt me. So if somebody said their argument like that, like, I'm afraid you're going to hurt me, would you say, you're crazy? You would say, I won't hurt you. I like you. And then it's all positive and nice. That's a good bit of advice for anyone feeling what the girlfriend is feeling, which is this jealousy.

Right, just be open with your security. Take one step back, zoom out one, and look at the root of the issue. Why am I angry? Why am I acting like an asshole? Oh, it's because I think I'm a piece of shit. Why so why do you think this girl is afraid that her boyfriend will fuck a 17-year-old?

She must be hot. I said that earlier. She must be like the super hot 17 year old if the super 17 super hot 17 year old i think it's just like it comes back to this girl having low self-esteem so she needs to tell her boyfriend like will you build up my self-esteem tell me that i'm beautiful yeah and you might have to just like maybe as the boyfriend you have to be like this girl's ugly the 17 like just start fake hating her she's like oh that 17 year old so fucking annoying.

Unless, yeah, annoying is better because she might be like objectively pretty. You know? And like saying she's ugly will only worsen the situation.

Yeah. She's like, all right. Jake, a beat. Oh, wow, we're doing this.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I got one good rhyme and then I'm going to go off. Ready? Yeah. Hey, boy, try fake hating.

Don't try vacating. Don't leave the house. Don't leave the house with a mouse. You got a mouse in the house. Don't raise that blouse. You got to. Sorry, you just, you said vacating and you were so clearly proud of yourself. And you looked at Dickie and he just like didn't give you much.

It's like, was vacating? No, I'm not interested. Vacating and vacating. Yeah. That was pretty good. Explain to me like the meaning, like vacating. Like don't vacate the house. Try fake hating this mouse.

Okay. I get it. Getting it is the best reaction I can possibly have asked for I'm with you I'm caught up alright let me give you a beat now alright you're thinking about it

every beat is like the same thing it's so funny man hey Sid Booker don't make the mistake she's only 17 that would be rape statutorily i'm saying is all your girlfriend is too involved with your day-to-day activities you need to talk to her and get her on the same page make sure that you kind of see life the same way cool have a nice day that was good you're so meek when you freestyle yeah i get turned it's kind of funny because it's like

that's the opposite of what freestyling is i know i turn like i kind of like you're afraid turns like a turtle without a shell i just you are green and slimy down your spine yes all right now you give jake beat. All right. I'm going to chew this ice for a minute. Oh, nice. Actually, that's kind of like a beat. Yeah. Crunch.

Crunch. Crunch. Okay. Fuck her in the shower. Fuck her in the shower. Fuck her in the shower. You can fuck that 17-year-old for an hour. She's got that tight pussy. She's got those perfect lips. Not talking about the pussy.

I was talking about her tits. Yo, she's 17. You're 24. This is a match made in heaven. Close the bathroom door. You're like, yeah, that's good. Because your girlfriend's already suspecting you. You might as well do something about it.

Might as well bang her. Sorry, I went into a bad place. I don't actually think you should fuck the 17-year-old. Rapping, freestyling, Jake, is different than real life. Yeah, yeah. That was like, you go into a special place. How do you guys feel about sex in the shower in general? Because I'm very anti.

It's the absolute worst. It's harder than it seems. I just, yeah. Yeah, to me, it's like, I don't ever like putting myself in a position very anti. It's the absolute worst. It's harder than it seems. I just, yeah. Yeah, to me it's like, I don't ever like putting myself in a position where my lack of a large penis, like, in any way, like, it, like, impacts the sex and then we have to, like,

rethink about things because I don't have a big enough dick to, like, do what we, like, thought we could. Like, I never wanted to come to that, like, oh, well, I guess your dick's not big enough to, like, pull this off. I tend to, like like avoid that like ever potentially happen so like lifting a girl up around your waist yeah I mean it really honestly it's a combination of my of a girl like to do things that like even like normal like cool things like doggy style my dog is totally like that's not true it's not too small to do doggy style, but I swear to God, the girl needs to be more

flexible than an inflexible girl. I need extreme flexibility. I can do what a guy with a six-inch dick might be able to do. But if a girl is kind of moderately flexible. Is little dicky not a pun? It's just like an adjective? It does a lot, but no, it's certainly based off of like, I have a five-inch boner. But the girth is totally The girth is great

Oh dude that's all you need So like missionary wise Like I'm like I'm in business You're only like You're like ten percent Less than average Yeah and like exactly

And like you know Average is like what Five and a half inch Yeah yeah So it's like we're talking About a half inch difference Yeah Honestly though I'm very

Inflexible And like there have been Times where like For example from the side You know, from the side, you know, sex from the side. Yeah. When I go on the side, like my boner, like for whatever the way it doesn't pass your side.

My like dick like is connected to my balls in such a way that when I lean on the side, you have a webbed dick. I have a webbed scrotum. Yeah. It's like all like made up of like one thing. It's hard to explain. But like my balls like, well, like almost borderline slide up my shaft to some extent. Wow. And I'm just like left with like two inches of bonum. Yeah, it's all made up of one thing. It's hard to explain, but my balls almost borderline slide up my shaft

to some extent. Wow. And I'm just left with two inches of boner. Yeah, you're like an Evel Knievel suit. I've never wanted to see a guest penis so bad.

So you're like a squirrel suit where the flap starts at your wrist if your hands are extended out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never thought of it that way. And now I can't stop thinking about it that way.

We're going to take a break and thank some more sponsors, but then we'll come back with more LD. Sweet. Sex in the shower. Are we going to keep on talking about that? Yeah, that'd be fun. Great. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

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all right we're back um what were we talking about sex in the shower have you ever had sex in the shower uh not in a while it was a a college thing like a exciting younger person thing right i'm not into it anymore i think there was like a time when having sex in strange places was like really awesome yeah i mean like sex in general was awesome now the best place to have sex is a bed or a couch because that's when it feels right that's when my dick can be in you the most it's kind of like how we used to do drug or i shouldn't say we because i didn't but kids used to do drugs even if they didn't like it and then like you talk to like some later 20 year olds and they're like i don't like smoking weed just it doesn't it's not then like you talk to like some later 20 year olds and they're like, Oh, I don't like smoking weed. Just,

it doesn't, it's not fun. And then it's like, Oh, when did it stop being fun? It's like, I guess I never liked it. I just always did it.

Cause it was cool. And that's what 20 year olds do. It's like, that's the equivalent of having sex in weird places. Like, yeah. And it wasn't fun, but it was cool.

And now that you're an adult, you're like, Oh, I don't need to do that anymore to have fun. Yeah, I guess so. God, that was boring.

You just said doing drugs and having sex is not good only young people do well do you get high as much as you used to uh i don't get i mean i still get drunk and i uh eat molly and do cocaine so that's new and exciting yeah but you definitely get high less than you used to because it's like oh i just realized i don't like doing it i was just doing it because yeah well i didn't like i guess i didn't like the way that getting high made me feel but i still like the way other drugs make me feel you just replaced it with other drugs yeah and you're replacing shower sex with other types of sex right i guess rather i feel like rather than shower sex like different people having sex excites me more.

So before it was like exciting when I was young to have like a fuck buddy and we would do it a lots of places. And now the most exciting thing would be to have sex with lots and lots of different people in my bed. Yeah. At the same time, ideally. A rotating cast. That'd be dope. What's your origin? How do you become, how do you go from nothing to

rapper oh i thought you were gonna ask me about like my like ethnic origin oh yeah i wouldn't have been able to provide much insight beyond being jewish yeah yeah i think there's like russia's involved of course russia prussia my origin is like so uneventful it's like i won class clown in high school uh-huh and And I've always, everybody that I met and that I was close with, they're always like, you're really funny. Sure.

And so. So why didn't, but rap is still on in it. Yeah. So my whole goal, I thought, my whole life it was like I was going to graduate college

and make some sort of big move to become like Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen. Oh, you wanted to be an actor. Yeah. More like, yeah, for sure. I want to be like the front facing thing but i also want to write it like i want to i guess it's more like larry david okay um no interest in being a rapper it was like logically let's think about how like you're going to pull this off okay in terms of like comedy like the barriers to entry there are like super strong like high like high barriers to entry sure because there's a lot, like high, like high barriers to entry.

Sure, because there's a lot of people doing it. A lot of people doing it, but then also like the way in which talent is found, maybe I guess, I don't know, like I guess I envisioned like, oh, I could go to do five minute standups and like hope that somebody cool stumbles in and sees it,

or I can write a screenplay, which I did do in college and have nobody to hand it to, which is what happened. Yeah, yeah. It's just that like, you think you like will write the best screenplay. Who do you give it to you know it's probably like isn't even good it was like or I could take this one skill I have that's rapping

that I always kind of had this is like a skill and like I saw like Lonely Island oh yeah I see these guys be so famous for being so average at rap and so average at being that funny in these raps in my mind like truthfully that i was like this is so doable like i know for for a fact i can be lonely island in my sleep oh wow so like yeah i never beef i never want yeah i'm like i'm like pretty like like and i've never met him and i'm sure he's a great guy but like deep down i'm like very i root against andy sand. I love it. But I'm sure he's the man.

I think I root against him because I'm just so jealous of his success. It kind of looks like me. But I saw that, and I was like, there's no reason you can't do this, and there's no reason you can't do this cheaply and yourself right now. So I spent all my bar mitzvah money on these music videos. Well, how do you make the beats i don't even the the my first mixtape which is like the only project that i have out is me simply going online and just downloading like drake's beats like it's like other so it's like borderline illegal oh it's no it's it's illegal not borderline there's nothing i'm

waiting for a season d sis but it's completely common in the rap industry. It's like, yeah, and I didn't sell it. I didn't sell anything. Right, you're just putting it online. Yeah, but being the shrewd businessman that I am, I certainly flipped the Kickstarter off of that and raised some money. So now what? Now you're like, uh-oh, these videos have four or five million views. But also, did you grow up rapping? Totally.

So I didn't think that back when I started that I was one of the best rappers alive. And I started doing it, I got better and better, and I started that I was one of the best rappers alive. And I started doing it. I got better and better. And I fell in love with the sport of rapping. And I now feel like I'm one of the best rappers alive from a technical perspective. Right.

That's dope. That's definitely you sound like a rapper. Because every rapper has to believe that they're the best. Every good rapper believes that, yeah. There's not a good rapper who doesn't think he's the best rapper alive. There's some rappers who like kind of like have their own shtick right and it's like they're awesome at their shtick but like they're not like i always compare it to basketball but there are like 10 rappers out there who think they're jordan yeah and like five of them are even worth talking about so to all the people listening out there

like who the fuck is this guy why does he think he's the best do you have an example not like why i'm the best or like just like oh go here and youtube this yeah i would look up my song it's called russell westbrook on a farm i've not heard that one but i love the premise it's about what i just talked about how like i had no to me i i stumbled like if i didn't make this leap and like decide to choose rap as this thing i wouldn't have had any idea how good of a rapper I was. It could have easily gone unnoticed. Wow, just latent in you. Exactly. The whole song is about what if Russell Westbrook grew up on a farm and didn't know that he was awesome at basketball and he was

on a tractor all day. There's no jokes in the song. I've heard that before. The best writers aren't writing, the best actors aren't acting. That whole theory. I think there are a lot of people out there who are capable of doing it and it's like, of that percentage writing the best actors aren't acting like all that whole theory well yeah i i can't i i think there are a lot of people out there who are capable of doing it and it's like of that percentage of like the 0.02 percent of people that are capable of doing it 0.02 percent of that pool doesn't even

like only go right they never even try yeah no 0.02 go for it 0.98 don't right so i was just like everything is based off of logic and it's just like logically, if I feel like I'm good enough to do it, I know I'm going to like work hard enough to do it and I'm going to attempt it so it's like, let's find out

if like logically this makes sense and I made one attempt and it worked swimmingly. Right. You know what I mean? One for one. So I really think

that my logic, I'm like using that logic and applying it to everything. So what's next? The TV, like writing my TV show. Oh, which is a rap based show? Well, rapping and TV, like i'm putting an album out but yeah like it's it's like it's like

curb but instead of it being like a 75 year old coat former co-creator of sign phone it's a 26 year old rapper who can't get any pussy oh so are you rapping in the show no oh shit so you're like okay rap is done i'm gonna write a comedy show we're done but it's like the show is about dave bird the guy who like he's Lil Dicky. Gotcha. But maybe in the show, I'm sitting on a podcast with maybe someone

a little bit more interesting. More attractive, yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously. Totally, then Jake. Someone who does Kimmel or somebody. Yeah, it's like, because my life is super,

it's so comically unglamorous. It's like the fact that everybody thinks that I can go fuck these girls, but really, I can't. Yeah, yeah. And if I ever can, I'm sure that'll be interesting too.

Well, what's next rapping wise? I'm putting an album out end of April. Oh shit, that's soon. Yeah. And are these songs done? I think I need one more song for like internal satisfaction, but then, yeah.

How many songs? There's like 13 on there. Do you feel like it's your best work? Definitely. Are any of them on YouTube right now? Yeah, Let Me Freak and White Crime are both songs yeah yeah yeah i saw yeah those are both really funny thank you he's right um what's he gonna say oh yeah so what about the beats for that you can't just steal right yeah now it's all proper pipelines i work with producers like i treat it it's like professional now are you paying for this album like that's like did a kickstarter oh you did do a kickstarter yeah how much money

did you raise 113 000 holy shit dude you raised 113 how much did you ask for 70 really that's fucking dope so you got to 70 or like no everyone's like here's another extra 43 to be transparent my personal goal was 100 it's just you can't if you had to be conservative so i was like i have no idea what's gonna happen i'm put 70 because it's like really like that would be like what i probably like really need to do this on but actually it costs far more than even 100 thousand like it's oh really yeah it's super expensive but i like can i do shows and it's not it's not just but like even to survive like yeah i don't have a job yeah you need to make money to live and then also yeah car insurance. That's a thing now.

So what was I going to say? Fuck. It's cool. A hundred and ten. Oh, are you making music videos for all the songs? Not all of them, but I'd say I already have two online. I imagine I want to make at least three more. That's the publicity, right? Music videos are basically ads for the songs by featuring the songs sure i would say i'm music videos for me are what like the radio is for like

a mainstream rapper right right because well because your music videos are funny so they're right seeing a lot more than like only than me in front of a bunch of cars yeah right right that's yeah to me i was like i was checking two boxes in one by having it be people who like this musically. And then, oh, also when you show this, it's like a comedy sketch. Yeah. That's great. You don't have to say yes. And I'll not even include this question if you don't do it.

Okay. But do you have a rap that you can do for 30 to 60 seconds that's very impressive that you want to do right now? Is that a thing you can do? I think so. Well, I don't know if – At the very least try it i'll try it yeah yeah normally there's a beat but um uh i don't know the definition fuck is average i've been sitting watching waiting so impatient like his baggage claim i'm about to be the greatest naked pictures in my chat these other rappers fucking lazy word to banging in the hammock but y'all ain't even hanging y'all ain't in the running

boy i'm fucking up the track like the young and into running y'all a lighter with the fire i want to match he'd be like no i'm about it bro how you get it that like these bitches trying to rap they don't get their time rapping i'm coming like i'm fucking they underwood and to be frank i in front and word to kevin spacey i'm on another level debatably crazier than shit they play beside the porn that you playing at a matinee and dipping dots i'm getting checks fuck i care that not Okay, I care a little bit, algorithm isn't doing its job I'm assuming it's flawed, they probably not believing the hobs The white boy been ballin', white boy been a damn King Scott Pollard Gotta tell my mom, stop callin', but dawg, she's confused about my destiny

Making me repeat myself like I was judging Spelling Bees, but I'm just trying to smoke weed, grab a quesarito Got a zoo by a Spanish chick, muy bonito, or bonita That's my my vita keep the rapping tight both ways dexterous where my rita and when it's y'all it's a nice sound when it's me it'd be like everybody pipe down y'all the background play your part hoe checks mix grubbing up at wells fargo had to make a new account didn't want the checks mix y'all are trying to fit in i'm the one who playing tetris this is the beginning of my day it's only breakfast y'all the mini bars

y'all got mini bars. My girl ass thick. That's my minotaur. Yeah, that's what I wanted. That's what I hoped. I love when rappers are like me because I get all their references. Chex Smiths, Tetris, Scott Pollard specifically. Really appreciate that.

I'm really just going after you. The more 90s NBA basketball references. That's all I have. You're from Philly? Are you a Sixers fan? Yeah. So do you have anything about AI stepping over Tyronn Lue? I have a sweatshirt.

Of that moment? Of that moment. And I would say that moment is my favorite moment in the history of sports. Wow. That was it. That was the one favorite moment in the history of sports. Wow. That was it. That was the one game the Lakers lost at playoffs. I know. I'm well aware.

That was like, whoa, we might win this whole thing. And it's all AI. And they lost four straight. But hey. But they were competing. If Eric Snow didn't break his ankle and then there was like some like, honestly, Shaq was like elbowing Mutombo in the face. That was like happening.

She was like literally elbowing him in the face. Yeah. Yeah. But it's whatever. We're not thinking about that no more. That was great. Awesome. If you want more Lil Dicky on YouTube.

Yeah. Lil Dicky rap is the YouTube channel. Cool. Do you want to answer one more question before you go? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. We're a little long, but I feel like people will like it.

We need, let me look up if we need a guy or a girl name. What other NBA players do you reference? I picked up the Scott Pollard. In that one? No, no, no, not in that one, but in general. I have a song called Sports. Oh, shit. That one's for me.

I can honestly blow your mind. It's like shots in the club like Plaxico. I'm in the corner hot like Placido's. My fucking Flo Nuts pistachios. I'm like shelving. I know how to mack a hoe. Wow, shelving mack reference. You want to keep doing this or not?

Yeah, yeah. I got girls on my penis. Flo is the meanest. Not Gilbert, but I'm selling out arenas. Do it all day, A. Peterson, because I'm trying to get paid like Rivas did. I met a French bitch, big lips, and she got a a body told her put that ass on wall like namdi but fight like rocky white like roddy who's your daddy all night like bobby hot box ride i can barely see you know i keep my carmelo like anthony got bigger blunts than the garrett smoking out of taurus put more

keef in that philly like morris anybody better than me? Good try. I'm the best like Javid, but I'm not lying. Not even a tie, son. No ear bite in my pockets. Fat with green Sorex Ryan when he was on the Jets. Of course. A ball for the bucks like Luke Richard and Bamute, but I'm a fucking superstar. And if they ask LD where he want to live, then I'm going to tell him where Marcake is like Nick. Wow.

I love the Javid Best reference. So fucking obscure. Someone had to do it. He went to my school. The next verse, I get into, he hate me, Rob's smart. It goes all over. We go to the XFL. It goes everywhere.

Holy shit. There's no way Shelvin Mack doesn't learn about that. Yeah. From his boy, Gordon Hayward. Do you have any Gordon Hayward rhymes? Not yet. Actually, that Russell Westbrook song, I'm a huge NBA fan. But I'm in the weirdest level of fame where some people care about me a lot and everyone

else has no idea. But that Russell Westbrook song on a farm, Kevin Durant tweeted Instagram and promoted it. He was like, this song's great. That's huge. Yeah, I was so happy. Holy shit. He won MVP.

You are the real MVP. Kevin Durant sits at home and listens to my rap music that's insane incredible he's actually pretty famous he's yeah yeah even more so than shelvin mac he did all that promotion for he went to every platform facebook instagram and you were on his mind so much and he was like how can i go out of my way to like allow people to see that i fuck with this song yeah Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Have you ever spoken to him? I like,

well, he followed me on Twitter and then like, you know, there's like a little like direct message back and forth. And if you think

texting a girl is difficult, like imagine like, oh my God, you like think about it for like three hours. Yeah. That was like, that's just me and Kevin

being me and Kevin. Of course. That's KD. Yeah. Easy money sniper. Yeah, exactly. All right. We need a, oh, dude's name. Last Kevin being me and Kevin. Of course. That's KD. Yeah. Easy money sniper. Yeah, exactly. All right. We need a...

Oh, dude's name. Last one. Dude's name. Jimbo. Jimbo Fisher? Jimbo. Mars. Nice.

Jimbo Mars. The third Morris triplet. Yeah, he's like cousins with Bruno Mars. I also like the Luke Richard Bamute reference. UCLA dude. Long time listener, second time caller. Currently I'm a sophomore in high school and I fear that I'm addicted to masturbating.

On a weekday I'll rub one out twice, maybe three times a day. The weekends are even worse. When I have nothing to do, I might jack it six to seven times a day. And it's not like I enjoy it either. I mostly do it when I'm bored. I don't do drugs or drink. Any advice on how to masturbate less would be awesome.

Awesome. Also, I'm in a group chat with my hockey team, and there's this one kid who sends dick pics to the whole group. I find it weird and gay. But my teammates praise him on his nine-inch dick. Am I the one being weird, or are my teammates just fucked up? Any advice would be great. It's a twofer that is so funny that is amazing first off when he said he's in college uh sophomore in high school oh yeah you're nothing's wrong with you

yeah you're not masturbating enough yeah i was like i went through it dude i i if you were if you're addicted then i was addicted. I used to come home. First off, if I came home and I saw my mom's car there, just her car there, I would immediately get this dark cloud over me of just misery. Ruin the day. She would open the door, be so nice and loving. I'm here. I'm home. And I would just be miserable that I couldn't masturbate in the TV because there was one big computer back then.

It wasn't laptop-centric. But yeah, I don't know to me I when I was a sophomore in high school I was jerking off twice a day at least for sure and just start the day and end the day that was yeah I jerked off in class no yeah like I put my arms in my t-shirt like I was cold and what are you talking about? You came in class. It was last period of the day, so it's not like I walked around all day with colds. It doesn't matter what period it was. Actually, it does matter.

Illegal. Absolutely illegal. I've jerked off in the car. I've had on a road trip with my parents. We stopped, and they went and got a bottled water, and I had 10 seconds to pull this off. Because I had the hardest boner I've ever had why were we not talking

about this the entire episode dude I like 10 seconds while your parents were in a store I literally was driving to Boston from Philadelphia it's like a 6 hour drive I had like the hardest boner

for 3 hours to the point where it was just like really like uncomfortable so they left it was like 1, 2 and I already started coming like 3 pumps

literally a 2 pump chump and then you just deal with it. Yeah. This is like, you should make a video called Emission Impossible, where it's like this guy trying to masturbate in very difficult places. You got the punt. Yeah. You got the punt.

That's funny. I have a whole song on my mixtape. In class, dude? What the fuck? Like, there's no way. I just, it's just so funny. You can get expelled for that. Of course.

It was a high-risk operation, but the reward, honestly, the teacher, the student teacher who was like, she was like 24 oh wow yeah and like the actual the actual teacher was like 42 and like good looking but like yeah it was just like so it was like having a menage a trois arms in your shirt just there's no way nobody else that did that there was i know that one other guy like who was like you know i was like a kind of like a normal popular kid there's this other like totally weird dude who got caught and expelled. And dude, oh my god, that could have been you. That could have been me.

I was really reckless. I was a really reckless sophomore in high school. I used to do a lot of stuff that I would never do now. Oh, really? Like what? I mean, what's even close to masturbating in class? Back then, I had some incompetent teachers, and I felt like I could mindfuck them publicly in front of the class. Of course.

Yeah, like literally fuck yourself while watching them. Which is horrible. Right now, if I had footage of it, which I wish I did, because it could be sold to HBO, because it was the funniest shit ever that was happening with classes. But when I look back at it, I think you're a horrible person. That wasn't funny. You're just really immature,

and you're picking on adults who have no self-social awareness. Oh, God. One time, I wrote on the board i just like mr on was his name he was like a like this asian science teacher who like could barely speak english he talked like this yeah and like i like he called me up to do a question and i this isn't like a great example it's the first thing that came to my mind but i just wrote in huge letters to like the question that's like a math question i wrote mr on suck my cock and then sat down yeah that's like a math question. I wrote, Mr. On, suck my cock and then sat down. That's crazy.

I knew there'd be no... I never got suspended or anything. I never got in any trouble because I knew what I was doing at all times. Were you smart in high school? You were top of your class in doing this shit. You weren't an idiot doing it. No, I was an idiot.

I knew Mr. On would not do anything about that, but there are other teachers I knew that the best I could get away with is going up and sharpening my pencil for 45 seconds over and over again. You really are a little dicky. You really are a little dickling. I was bad back then.

Now I care more about people for whatever reason. That's the same thing with fucking these girls. I guess this is growing up. Yeah, I guess it is growing up. I think you care about people when you're a class clown, too. You guess this is growing up. Yeah, I guess it is growing up. Okay, so he's not addicted. I think you care about people when you're a class clown, too. You cared about making people laugh. For my own self.

Yeah, it's all just like stroking your ego. Yeah, I guess. It wasn't like, I'm so happy I frightened everyone's day. It was more like, I couldn't care less about this person. This person might kill herself,

this teacher. But as long as I'm more famous. As long as my peers think I'm funny. But for whatever reason, I feel like there's a shade of empathy to it, to wanting to make people laugh. It's egocentric as it is to me. I hope so. Because, I mean, look where you went.

I hope so. So this guy, you're not addicted to masturbating. No, you're totally normal. You're in the normal range. To just shed some different light on the topic, I didn't masturbate nearly as much as you did. So maybe this is on the high end of a normal range. It was harder. Think about like where you were.

You had to, you had like 10 seconds to jerk off when your parents went into a store. I didn't, my mom would like pick up my brother from school. So I knew I had like a five minute window when I was home. And I would take it.

Like, I used to print out pictures, like go to Maxim.com and like print out pictures. Yeah, me too. use the steam in the shower To like press them against the wall in the shower And then like lie on my back And use the massage like head component of the shower

Oh you got luxurious with it That's indulgent And then like you know when you're in the shower And like you're lying on your back Imagine that and you come like just into the air With like the water spraying everywhere It ends up spraying like I would just you're lying on your back. Imagine that. And you come like just into the air with like the water spraying everywhere. It ends up spraying like,

like I would just like, you know, four hours later, I would just have like dried up cum all over like my legs and stomachs. Even in the shower, you would come home. But like it wasn't initially. You came home from school

with dried cum all over your body. Then you would shower and can't even, rather than get it clean, you'd just be eating it. And I think I honestly was only on the high end of like the normal people. Like I think there are also

like weirdos out there who are like eight times a day think about this guy like kids now have so much opportunity to masturbate they all have iPhones

you could play like HD porn on your phone all the time if I had that when I was like 13 or 14 you wouldn't have

a dick right now it would be gone you would have pulled your dick off I would have for sure I would have shaved girth off of my penis.

I think that – That's a good fear to strike into teenagers that masturbate a lot. Like if you keep rubbing it, it will just get smaller and smaller like a popsicle. I don't know if this is actually your reason. But like people saying that if you masturbate too much, you can bend your dick. I don't know if that's true. But that definitely scared me away from masturbating. Right now, like I never thought that this day would come either, but I jerk off twice a week,

and I don't get any pussy either. It's just like I'm just like... Yeah, just your sex drive gets lower. It's so low. There are times where I load the porn and I'm just like, whatever. I'd rather sleep. Yeah, I'd rather... It's not even worth it.

I just don't even do it. I'm just doing this because I feel like I should. Yeah. We also have to address the hockey team. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. He that's true i love that his opinion is just so staunch i think this is weird and gay yeah i think i think everyone's right in that like i think you're okay to feel that it's weird and gay but i also think that you're probably a little bit conservative but like justifiably so like people are allowed to be that conservative about not wanting to see another guy's dick but there

is a community out there who is interested in seeing everybody's dick and i'm a part of that i mean that's kind of he's kind of two sides of like two he's like a two-face he masturbates a lot and then he thinks this dick is too much like aren't those aren't those the same no it's his dick and another person's dick yeah but if you're into sex stuff yeah if those pictures were coming in i would be like oh come on and then i would look at all of them too yeah you want to see a nine i've never seen a nine inch dick that's a huge dick that's a nine inch dick that's a lie

I see them pretty much every time I jerk off it's annoying how big the dicks are nine inches that's double average no no no a little less than double average

do you see porno dicks yeah honestly the dicks in porn are like they're like as long as the girl's face like they're like they're like next to the face but of a friend

that's a famous person's dick that's a porn star's dick of your friend's nine inch dick of a guy you know I have a couple friends dick. That's a porn star's dick. Are your friends nine inch dick? Of a guy you know? I have a couple friends that have a big dick. You don't know anybody that has a nine inch dick?

I don't think I know anybody personally that has a nine inch dick. You know people who have a nine inch dick. I'll tell you who they are after the podcast. That's awesome.

I know like five guys who've got like seven and a half to nine inch dicks. That's almost too long, right? You don't want that. I think seven and a half is like, I would like that, yeah.

No, but nine. Nine could be problematic, yeah. It's kind of like you don't want to be a seven footer, but it, I would like that. Yeah. No, but nine, nine could be problematic. Yeah. It's kind of like, you don't want to be, you don't want to be a seven footer, but it'd be nice to be six, four. Totally.

We got to end on that. That's a very genuine, uh, LD. Yeah, man. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for having us.

This is fun. You guys don't know this. They record this in like the middle of like paradise. Like, yeah, we're outside. We outside we rarely record outside it was such a nice day it's such a quiet

a gentle breeze we had to it's beautiful let's hang out more yeah I was telling them earlier before we started recording our interactions yeah

I have no friends maybe we can be friends yeah we're gonna be friends yeah I think we can get along it'd be cool this is gonna be the like the beginning of our friendship

we'll have it on on record absolutely playing at one of our funerals'll have it on record. Absolutely. Playing at one of our funerals. Lil Dicky just fucking masturbating. Is there anything you wanted to advertise before we go? Yeah, I'm going on tour starting on March 12th. Going around the country for the most part.

Come to a show. They're interesting. I start my shows with a PowerPoint presentation. Holy shit. Any in LA? Yeah, 420. Let's get fucking high. Oh, really? Yeah. All right. my shows with like a powerpoint presentation holy shit any in la can we go yeah 420 let's get fucking oh really yeah all right yeah uh and if you have your own questions for those of you

listening out there you can email us at if i were you show at gmail.com also send theme song submissions and thumbnail submissions ld thanks for coming by thanks for having me uh i don't know if we said the opening was from someone named rob so thanks rob and this last one was from someone named gorjan or gorjan gorjan And this last one was from someone named Gorjan. Or Gorjan. Gorjan? No, it doesn't matter. Thanks for writing it, Gorjan. And we're out. With Jake and Amir Get ready for some answers

Cause shit's about to get real Right now The website TheChive.com now has words, and it's come in the form of our shiny new podcast right over at Podcast One. So join us. I'm John Rezik. This is Bob Phillip. Hi. Every Thursday for a mix of Chive culture, celebrity interviews, and offbeat current events. You never know who's going to drop by the studio, and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them.

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