Segments - 138: Sitcoms

Episode Date: March 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss hairy legs, double dates, and Jake's perfect porn. This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub.com, MeUndies.com, and DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Believe it or not, I have a problem. Please help me, chicken and meal. I had sex at Bradbrook and someone filmed me. If I Amir. I had sex with Brad Brooke and someone filmed me. If I were you, sure.

This is so not hashtag Joe. Thoughts? They're Australian. They showed their hand at the last second when they said, sure. Do you know what that's a parody of?

No. There's a song called i believe i don't know what it's called but it's believe it or not i'm walking on air i never thought i would be so free i kind of know that song flying away on a wing and a prayer where no more of it i get it and then in seinfeld george wanted to have a catchy oh answering machine leave it or not george isn't at home so leave a message so i don't know that song i just know the seinfeld one yeah you know you only know the pop culture reference wow so it's like it's basically like the australian uh do you want me to look it up? I don't know if they said it. We recorded this. Oh, my God, yeah.

Please come to Australia soon. Bitch. Nailed it. Hey. We haven't announced it yet, but we are coming to Australia soon. More info on that as it develops. That's the... Oh, my God. The most deflating way to make that announcement.

Well, it already came out a little bit. Okay. There's no concrete details yet. We're coming to Australia! God damn it. As soon as all the info is out, we'll be very, very vocal about it. Almost annoyingly so. But for now, we can't really say anything. Because we don't know.

We don't know exactly yet. Details are being finalized. Here's a weird... Well, actually, what was the joke you told me right before we... Oh. We started rolling. Well, that's not so much a joke. It's just...

It's an interesting story that I read. Oh. There was this... There's this fraternity in the South uh you know which greek like is very big down there and there was a pledge who really wanted into this frat you know uh didn't mind the hazing wanted the brotherhood his name was uh todd schneider oh um i guess it's not really important but as they were debating you know what brothers to let in, this one brother, I guess his name was Chad. He stood in front of his chapter and he said, what if Todd was one of us?

God, that really made me laugh if todd had a name what would it look like and would you Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if Todd was one of us? Just a bro like one of us. You could still say slob like one of us. That would still work. Did you like Weird Al or is that not your thing growing up? Oh, shit. Is that a Weird Al? No, no, no.

But like in general, in general, that's what he did. But like, I don't remember you saying you liked Weird Al. Yeah. in general in general that's what he did but like i don't remember you saying you liked weird al uh yeah i mean i think i liked him just like all of our comedy stuff it's like i liked it and you were obsessed with it oh you were just okay with it the simpsons i thought it was funny and i thought it was really good and i watched it but then you like did i like it more do i just say that i liked it more well i don't i don't i couldn't do the simpsons and weird owl references that you like i don't think it was such a big part of my life did you have something that you were obsessed with um i i guess not i had like i've had the weird owl cds i really liked um gangster paradise i like had that tape and i really i thought it was great you mean amish

paradise sorry yeah i'm like all right you know what forget it uh you you just you just showed your hand i was obsessed with adam sandler like little nicky i did really i mean up until little nicky i think that was the last movie that i saw that i didn't like oh wait including little nicky i liked little Nicky. I was excited by Little Nicky. And when you saw it, you thought it was great. I wasn't like, this is his best ever. I was like, this isn't my favorite, but it was still an Adam Sandler movie, so it was still dope.

That's like a 13-year-old movie critic. It wasn't his best ever. This is his third movie ever. It actually harkened back to happy gilmore days if you think about it yeah i think it was like i was obsessed with happy gilmore and uh billy madison which one did you like more of those two billy madison classic that says it all doesn't it i guess so uh this is if i were you the only vice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Todd.

I'm Todd now. What if I was one of you? It's actually pretty convenient that the opening theme song... Oh, did we say who this was from? No. No. Becky and Ben. Sorry, what?

Becky and Ben. Thank you for that. Thanks, Becky. Thanks, Ben. And if you have your own theme song, you can send it over to ifireashow at gmail.com. I was saying it's very convenient that it's a Seinfeld parody because all of the questions that I rounded up today sound like sitcom plots. Oh, very nice.

Yeah, they're not like the traditional relationship questions we've been answering, but we can really get into what you would do if you were in that situation. Great. So let's start with the first one called Hair Shorts. but it actually, we can really get into what you would do if you were in that situation. Great. So let's start with the first one called Hair Shorts. It's sort of the name of that episode. Can we get a guy's name? George.

George writes, Hey guys, love the show. I'm a 20-year-old guy from England. A few weeks ago, I went on a pub crawl with a society at uni. When I found out it was a James Bond and Bond girls theme, I had the idea that I should go as a Bond girl. My girlfriend and I thought it would be funny, so we went out shopping and got me an outfit that went to mid-thigh. After this, I found out that she wanted to shave my legs for the full effect. I thought, hell, in for a penny, in for a pound, and let her shave my legs, but got her to only shave where it could be seen, so past the bottom of the dress, but not above the hem of the dress.

For a while, I had silky smooth legs and what looked like shorts made out of hair on my thighs. Now the bottom has started to grow in, but it's super fine and it looks weird in comparison to the hair up top. I'm worried that it won't grow in the same as the rest of the hair shorts. So what should I do? Should I shave my whole leg so that it grows back all the same? Or should I just wait and let it grow in on its own? Thank you. Love, George.

You should have never been in for a penny and for a pound you only go in for a penny and not already wearing the dress you didn't have to shave your legs and then if you're really in for the pound shave the entire leg yeah he basically shaved up until his thigh so he had hairy thighs and smooth calves and the sitcom situation is then like the person's gonna get laid after a really long dry spell but they're embarrassed about their hairy yeah their hairy legs so then they shave their whole legs and then it's like wait why do you have to shave the whole legs what would so what would you do have you ever shaved your legs uh yeah you know when i was in seventh grade i think i shaved my legs in the winter because i wanted my legs to be hairier and I wanted my armpits to be hairier.

So I shaved my legs and my armpits because I had heard that it grows back thicker. Oh, interesting. How'd that work out? Just kidding. I was an Olympic swimmer, so we had to do it. You still shaved your legs in this lie. You don't want any drag. So this guy shaved only below the knee. Right you ever shaved your legs never uh i do think

like it will it's gonna grow back it's just gonna take some time there's no need to reshave everything because you're just gonna you're just gonna keep on shaving right you don't like the way it's good it's just gonna look weird growing in for a little bit but you might as well do it now because it's cold out wear pants get it over so what would you do if you were him aside from not shaving in the first place and not having a girlfriend who makes me shave my legs yeah for a costume what an extreme way to go to a costume yeah changing your actual body is like the last level of costume right like getting a haircut or getting a mustache or growing a beard i do that you just get so you go too far all right it'd be funny if i wore a dress and then it turns not funny when you have to shave your

legs unless i just imagine people who love costumes being like no that's the way to do it you gotta do it people who love costumes are weird to me. Those people are weird or that attribute for them is weird. Oh, those people in general. Yeah. No, I think I just don't understand that.

Like rigidity when it comes to like, no, we have to go all out. It's gotta be a real goatee. Yeah. It's gotta be, you really have to shave. You're not a bond girl unless you shave your legs.

You're not a Bond girl because you have a penis. You have to, let's slice it off. I really think we should slice your dick off. Really? Come on. You have to take estrogen pills. We're not going to do the Bond girl this year because you can't pull it off. I'm afraid that if you start going through the hormone treatment, it won't actually kick in until after the society's pub crawl or four pub crawls from now you'll have grown out your hair taken the estrogen got your penis tucked into your body

to be a vagina just so he can play the character of fem bond yeah so at that point you could like audition for a bond girl he's going further than actual actors do. You hear about gaining 60 pounds for a role. Yeah, that's exactly what he's doing. But his role is drunk guy dressed as a woman on a pub crawl. Yeah, it's a joke that lasts for five seconds when you meet somebody. Like, ha, all right, cool. Now you have to wander around in a dress all day.

In for a penny, in for a pound a pound yo you're weirding everybody out yeah you should have saved those 99 pence but shit it was 99 pence so what would you do you would at this point you're in this point i would just not shit you've already made the mistake by shaving. No more shaving. Just let it grow back in. Let it grow. Do two wrongs don't make a right, you're saying. Yeah. I think I wouldn't shave at all either. I think this guy thinks that his hair looks more different than it is. Like, can people actually tell that he has fine hair up until his knee

and then thicker hair above the knee? Well, maybe it's just growing in slowly. It's growing in light. it's growing in stubbly like it's not going to grow back and be the exact same hair that you had before why not shouldn't that be the case i think i don't know i mean when you shaved your hair it didn't grow back thicker it didn't grow back thicker right now but like i don't think i think it takes a lot of time for it to just be the way it was. Yeah. It's kind of like when you're painting a house and you paint half the house and then you decide to, uh-oh, change the house. Right.

He thinks you have to then paint everything white and then paint everything again. And we're just saying, just chill out for a bit and the color will change. Well, if it's a painting, you do need the primer. So you'd have to prime the whole house oh shit so but shaving wise yeah paint your entire leg white then shave your house i really done moving on uh yeah i also wouldn't shave again. Just wait. Waiting is the best way. And now you already have hair. Right. The thought of me having slick hair or no hair in my legs seems kind of weird. Yeah.

Does that mean I'm a homophobe? Yes. All right. What if I also think gays shouldn't get married? Oh, you're fine. That's okay. It cancels out. What are you saying? You're holding holding your leg you're seeing how hairy it

is yeah my leg isn't very hairy so it's pretty hairy thanks loser you still think that's cool um oh all right another sitcomian event question. Do you have another guy's name? Kramer. Cosmo? Cosmo. Howdy. So the neighbor bi- This is a funny way to start it. Howdy. So the neighbor bitches hit my car last night, woke up this morning to find parts of my back bumper scattered on the ground, and one of their cars was missing paint from its front bumper. Putting two and two together, I walked up to their door like some kind of hero or whatever and asked them if they knew what happened. Unsurprisingly, they said they hadn't been home the night before.

Here's the thing. We live in a side-by-side duplex, so our houses share a wall. Shortly after I talked to them, I could hear them clearly talking about how, in fact, they did hit my car and didn't know what to do. They decided that their best option was to take their car to the car wash and get any of my car's paint off of it, and then continue to deny that they knew what had happened. Damage to my car is mainly cosmetic, but would take about $1,000 to repair and prevent future damage. What should I do? My instinct would be to burn their house

down, but as we share a house, that seems like a bad option. Love, Kramer. Just caught catching someone in a clear lie, and then going back to your house, and then hearing through the walls like shit he heard us he heard us about how we're lying i like i walked up to them like some kind of hero and asked them if they knew what happened so passive so uh superman flies into the middle of a bank robbery and is like, um, is everything chill here?

Did anybody see what happened? Did anyone see? Okay. I'm not going to point fingers here, jokester, but you are holding two bags of cash with a dollar sign on the outside. And the bank teller has his throat slit and you're holding a bloody knife. Nope, I didn't do it. And then Superman starts to leave and they're like oh that was

close okay so i did hear that i did hear the part where you said that was close we didn't say anything okay god damn it i think if it's me well it's not it's not very sitcom-y of what i'd do but i'd call the police so you would just straight up say would you even give them a chance maybe like these girls lied to me and now i think the cops have to come um wouldn't they just lie to the police well they committed a crime so you have you i would call the police you know what i would do right after i heard i walk i walk up to their house, I knock on the door, and I said, did you guys see what happened? They're like, no, we don't know.

I don't know. It's crazy. I'm like, okay. So you don't confess to it. They're like, no, I don't know what happened. And then I know that their plan is to go get a car wash, so I power walk up to their car, and I lay down behind their back wheel so that my forehead is flush with the ground in their wheel and I just don't I refuse to move and then they can't move the car without killing

me their back wheel yeah their back wheel like so they can't back out of the guard of the garage or the just drive forward over the lawn. That's a really funny image. I lay down in the back wheel. You're going to have to run me over. Good luck, losers. If you want... The exhaust. Exhaust in your eye.

They knock over your mailbox on the way out. Bitches and cream. I would be calling them the neighbor bitches too if they did that it's also funny to imagine superman doing that laying down next to a guy's car and his face flush against the back tires urging him to kill him uh you could just lie in the in between the two tires then they definitely need to need to figure something else out because they couldn't back up.

Or go forward. Yeah, you take a pillow and you start lying underneath their car. But I guess initially, if you saw that the paint was off their car, their front bumper and your back bumper, you should have been like, so you guys hit my car, what do you guys want to do? You gave them some kind of weird out to been like, so you guys hit my car, what do you guys want to do? And you gave them some kind of weird out to be like, did you see what happened?

And then they're like, no. So now that you caught or overheard them, go back and say, well, now I overheard you guys talking about it, so I know you did it. No, that wasn't us us and then if they still sit like refuse to do anything then i would call the police because a crime happened it's illegal what they did is it illegal yes it's illegal to hit someone no it's illegal to hit someone and run

they didn't run they're denying the legal to do that is it it's a run that's a run i could see john wolf taking this case and debating it until it's too cost costly to actually take him to court. I didn't hear anyone. Did anyone see it? No. It's his word against mine. So what would you do? You would call the police. You hear them talking and then you say, I'd confront them one more time and say, I heard you guys. Do you want to deal with this through our insurance?

I gave you the benefit of the doubt twice now. Right. And then if they again try to avoid the issue then i call the police because it's a crime it's illegal what they've done is breaking the law uh yeah i guess i would do that you you don't you don't call the cops you threaten to call the cops first and then they start freaking out but what an annoying thing to have to do on your neighbor you'll just always see them yeah but i guess you didn't do anything wrong no like what the neighbor the neighbor bitch is like oh fucking assholes call the cops on us for

hitting his car and denying it piece of shit oh there goes that fucking loser who called the cops when we hit his car and told them we didn't what dummies that they are that they did that and then just parked their cars like that was close the bumper clearly dangling off their cars really fucked up and also like what awful humans to be like they hit a car and they're just not gonna deal with it the very rare hit and stay you you never see that anymore a hit and stay they always return to the scene of the crime especially if they live there they always live at the scene of the crime all right so threaten to call the police and then actually do it yeah snitch i got a bitch but use a snitch

snitches and bitches is the name of that sitcom snitches and cream uh okay here's another good one uh another dude's name jerry jerome writes hey guys so i'm 17 years old and i live with my older brother and dad i tend to watch porn on the reg at least once a day and i use the family computer but i'm extremely careful not to leave a trace. Out of curiosity, I lately checked if there was any porn on the family computer and lo and behold, there was. I checked in on it and I found that it wasn't me who'd first gone it. Therefore, it's either my dad's or my brother's. Here's where it gets sticky. My brother is the type of person to check the

browser history and leave the porn there to try to catch me out. Therefore, if it's my dad's and I delete it, he might think I was covering up my tracks. And if it's my dad's and I don't delete it, my brother might find it and assume it's mine and I'm just getting sloppy seconds. if it is my brother's porn my dad might find it and assume it's me more porn keeps appearing every week and time is running out please help this is like an mc escher logic problem i don't know what the fuck is it's a triangle i'm running out of time at a certain point we reached the event horizon critical mass what do I do this triangle keeps looping

in on itself so if he deletes it can you understand the logic there if he deletes it the brother will think that he deleted his own porn when it was actually his dad's if he doesn't delete it then the dad might find it

oh the brother's already seen it and is like, what? If he deletes it, the brother will assume that that porn all along was his porn. This is a riddle. If it's my dad's and I delete it, he might think I was covering up my tracks. And if it's my dad's and I don't delete it,

my brother might find it and assume it dad's and I don't delete it, my brother might find it and assume it's mine and I'm just getting sloppy. If it is my brother's porn, my dad might find it and assume it's mine. Just delete it. Is there any version of that where it's good to leave it? Yeah. Oh, no.

I mean, it's like there's pros and cons to each this is like the farmer that had to like move three animals across the river the fox the chicken and the flower you can't leave the fox with the chicken right because then the fox leave the chicken and then you can't leave the chicken with the flower you take two and leave one yeah then come back okay so this is what you do you buy a new computer leave the porn then you take the old computer back across the river. You can ride with the computer. I think it's so funny because everybody, what is, if you zoom out for a bit and figure out,

there is no secret, everybody's looking at porn. Right. You live in a house with three dudes. It's just, it should all just be fine right so at this point i would say don't do anything you can't you can't get in trouble if you don't do anything also it's okay if somebody thinks you look at porn because you are looking at porn so it's not like he's catching you doing something you're not doing yeah i guess i would just not really want to look at the type of porn my dad and brother were looking at. So maybe I would start using a different browser. Yeah, it made it sound like they were downloading it.

Like, well, maybe they're just on Firefox and they're not clearing the history. So like I would get Chrome. This is a Chrome ad. Yeah, I would just get a different browser. Use that. Avoid the entire scenario. What about your phone? You think, are there people out there still without internet on their phone? Yeah, but like, you don't want to look at porn on your phone. You never do, but you don't want to like...

But isn't that better than a family computer? It's like your own private little station. Yeah, but it's so like, takes a long time to load. It's hard to find. See, you're like an old school, old generation guy. You're like, oh, I can't look at porn on my phone my phone in the future everyone's going to be looking at porn on their phone i don't i think well i guess that's definitely possible but it's like how our dads like to read newspapers and not online right but you i mean i like the idea of sitting down

opening up 55 tabs of porn and like i don't think that'll ever get old when you multi-tab are they all going on at the same time uh no are you like a dj going back like now you now you're like a producer and like oh yeah i would never just like let 10 different things stream at the same time so you're going back and forth like creating your own little narrative a little choose your own porn venture yes which is porn that's very fun by the way there is choose your own adventure porn a little choose your own porn venture yes which is porn that's very fun by the way there is choose your own adventure porn oh really you never heard of that yeah it's dope do you think you'd be a good porn director yes i'd be incredible what would you do like differently than what or you would just do what you've seen that you like or is there something

that people aren't doing yeah i would do what i've seen that you like? Or is there something that people aren't doing? Yeah, I would do what I've seen that I've liked. But also, I would have a really specific genre of porn. And a vision. Right. So have you thought about this before? Yeah, the fetish that I would want to get into? No, no, no. Have you thought about directing porn?

Yes. And what's your goal? What's your, what's your, what's your goal? What's your dream? Um, what's your avatar? What, uh, oh God. I mean, I would, I would launch a, um, it's a website. Oh, you have, you're not even talking about directing porn. You're just talking about building a website in addition.

Oh no, like this is my, this would be like my genre. This would be my website. It'd be like a Tumblr that was updated once a week with a different video of this theme oh gotcha that you directed yeah uh-huh uh the theme is we shouldn't be doing this i really like we shouldn't be doing this porn is that a thing already i don't think so i mean sometimes it's it is a little bit like you're i wish you weren't touching your dick in my bed as you're talking so i'm coming there's like stepbrother and step sister type porn or like you know that or the baby sitter right yeah exactly but i would just make it a little more authentic

yeah you're saying like that's first idea shit yeah stepbrother nanny housekeeper right you want to be like oh i dated your sister's uh best friend or something a little bit more real i guess and like sort of like okay fine like but we're i'm only gonna give you a hand job and then like that escalates to the point like oh my god just fuck me finally and you know it sort of like teases it out oh fuck me finally would be a good name for the series oh that's true too yeah like somebody who always wanted to fuck and like you i think i feel like the coolest thing is like you always know that it's just gonna be like they're just gonna fuck so quickly yeah and then some people are into things like uh joe like jerk off encouragement, uh,

or jerk off instruction. And then some people are into like handjobs. So there's like definitely a market for people that don't go all the way or just blowjob porn. Right. But I think it'd be kind of cool because you could appeal to everybody. Right. If you're doing the like first third of the video is just J O Y. It's like, just,

you can find some joy in that joy joy just interest it's just like um you know it's it's not actually penetration or whatever it's just the encouragement the information then follow up like all right we're hooking up a little bit but like we can't go all the way and then the last is like we're gonna go all the way fuck me finally that's what it should be you're 100 right fuck me finally porn uh two things one i like that you're worried about like actually you're using your like movie writer brain the first second and third act yeah have you read save the twat uh and then secondly what about some videos since you're going to do this a reoccur like a

recurring thing some videos they actually decide not to so that when they do it's extra exciting so for three weeks in a row i guess i'd be pretty mad if i was paying for a site where like three times in a row they didn't fuck well it's a roulette spin you don't know if it's gonna happen that way when it does happen it's extra exciting a lot like life very interesting very interesting thoughts uh yeah if i wanted to do it I'd really have to get my tattoos removed. That's like my identifying marks. You want to be in it. Of course. And you think you could be as hidden if you just got your tattoos removed?

I think so. Wait, can you direct your own, like can you be a Woody Allen, an auteur where you're directing yourself in the actual porn? Yeah, the guy at Amateur Allure does it. Preston Parker did it with Bang Bros. He's holding the camera too? Yeah's the dp of dps nice thanks nice uh so you'd want to be in the porn that you're directing i think it's only fair this is just imagine you sitting on a chair looking glum like this is fine but this is so fucking unfair actually this is all my this is all my idea this guy gets fucked because of me basically i got you freaking laid and paid meanwhile i'm just getting one of the two that's not right it's not fair it's not good it's not

gucci at all uh all right uh we have one more more normal question but we'll take a break first and come back and then we'll discuss sounds good okay quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments.

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easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace we're back bitches hey what it's not

a nice thing to call our listeners i was kidding dude i but cool. It's a funny joke, but enough. Cool with the anti-Semitic remarks. We're still coming to Duke University. Monday, March 30th. Yeah, Coach K. This is our show. Coach Kavshevsky. Chris Zowski.

Is going to be there. He's not. Okay. But it's a live podcast. So if you like podcasts and you go to duke university it's perfect yeah if you like our podcast and go to a nearby university nc state unc if you just live in raleigh durham you live in the information or the research triangle yeah even like if let's go as far as unc greensboro or wilmington uh i'd even go so far as to say UVA or West Virginia. I would go so far

as to say UConn. Really? Texas Tech. Absolutely Florida A&M. That's a show. There's no reason Miami of Ohio. That Jim Boeheim shouldn't be there. There's so many reasons he shouldn't. Alright, you want to get to the last question?

Let's do it. Alright, this one is less of a sitcom question but more of a real deal uh he's drunk when he wrote it so do you have a name of a drunken person on seinfeld um uh newman yeah that's what a putty uh putty right dear jake and amir have you ever had a drunk question? I'm sure you have. Okay, long-time listener, first time. Do you guys prefer having a date or do you prefer a natural chat for a bit, start to like each other, start dating mutually?

I've never had a date and people say I'm missing out. Is that right? Also, I'm going to miss Amir and Jake for when it ends. It also works the other way around. From whatever name you picked for me. Okay. That's a nice question. Should I have a date is what he's asking?

Do you guys prefer having a date or do you prefer a natural chat for a bit, start to like each other, and start dating mutually? This is definitely not an urgent question i don't know he's not phrasing the two options right do you guys prefer a date or to start dating mutually i think i prefer a date and then to start dating mutually i think what he's the source the issue the main question here is like do you want to get set up on like, oh, I'm going to meet this person one-on-one for a drink or an afternoon tea?

Do you go on a date or is it like, oh, I like it when group hangs turn into a flirtation, turn into a thing. Yeah. Let's keep hanging out with groups and then we'll eventually hang out solo. And to that, I think you and I would say, why not do both? There's room. But what do you prefer? Both. I wouldn't want either or.

I love, dating is really fun. Dating's an enjoyable thing. The one-on-one, but don't you prefer, which one, don't you prefer the other way? The group hang? The hey, meet me out with my boys. You said you'd love if the Rosenberg twins were on all of your dates. Well, my dream is the co-ordinated date. Which is?

You get a date. You tell your friend Dave Rosenberg to find a date for that same evening. Not usually hard. Everybody's got Tinder matches that they've been like. You prefer double dates, triple dates. Right. But then you can't go to the same place to start. I'd say, oh, why don't you and I go to this bar?

And then Dave goes wherever with his bar. And we know the second bar that we're gonna meet up at oh and you do that blindly behind the lady's back or do you say of course so then you have one drink it's so you're like oh do you want to check out this other bar it's around the corner it's it's also like i almost said we should go there it's really fun and then you go around the corner and oh shoot there's my friend dave hey dave meet my date and they're like oh i'm on a date then it's like seems fortuitous it's super fun everybody gets a drink together oh that's good so then you're basically it's like a little bit of deception but not in a bad way

yeah because you're you're only like conspiring to have a really fun time right it's not like you're because all right dave and, and then we'll meet her out and steal her purse when she gets there. Yeah, meet her out, dude. Meet her out. Nice. You can eat her out or meet her out. Whoever says that for the first time

should be raising a gun to their head and about to pull the trigger. I just came up with the joke but there are some people who look legit like i have some friends uh that are like they'll date girls for a long time before they introduce them to their right to some people that's a big deal yeah and like you and i guess i do too is like you might as well like start in the group hang meet everybody and as well start in a group hang, meet everybody, and then start with a group. And then if it escalates, it becomes one-on-one time. Right, then you splinter off.

It's almost like the inverse. I like that too. But I mean, it is fun to go on a date. Yeah. I think it's not fun to only date and then you're not hanging out with your friends ever. But to say every once in a while, Oh, I got a date. I'm going to take somebody out to drinks.

And then I would just probably be quick to be like and come out with all my friends because i like because that's what i'm most passionate about yeah and that's when you look the best right i like hanging out with my friends so much that if i would like i would never go on a date on a friday or saturday that's too important i would do a wednesday a wednesday drinks and then if it's great say oh, oh, me and my friends are doing this big thing on Friday. You should come. Oh, so this is like the preseason almost. It's almost like the round of 32. You don't want to invite her straight

to the Sweet 16. Yeah, dude. Coach K. You gotta earn it. See you at the show, brother. You'll be there, brother. Won't you? My dude. Coach Krasinski? There's no way Coach K doesn't dye his hair, right? I can't imagine him not dyeing his hair

because a 65-year-old man doesn't have jet black hair with not a single gray. But I also can't imagine him over the sink being like, all right, here we go. Oh, yeah. Oh, Marsha, can you? It's starting to leak a little bit. He doesn't have a single gray hair.

No, it's jet black, and he's like over 65 years old, I bet. That's weird. Dude doesn't age. We'll ask him about it at the show. Well, that'll be the first question for him. He's a Mario Lopez of himself. He truly is an ageless wonder. Did you hear about the Tinder thing they're starting to charge?

Yeah. Fuck that noise they're charging not only the charging they're charging a pretty solid amount and also different if you're over 30 or under 30 ageist yeah it's like if you're over 30 it prompted me to pay 20 a month and i was like 20 i don't even know what i do pay 20 a month for that's like so much money yeah that's more than netflix it's more $20 a month for. That's like... That's so much money. Yeah, that's more than Netflix. It's more than Hulu. It's like three times Netflix. Yeah, it's like five magazine subscriptions.

Yeah, it's like HBO. So what's the alternative? There hasn't been like one big one. I guess Hinge is starting to pop up. Yeah, Hinge's functionality is just really dumb. They like try to do too much. What? And I really...

Oh, wait, hold on. There's an ice cream truck. Hmm. That's nice. Hmm. I like that. Sweet. Just run out to the street and get hit.

There should just be a Tinder for normal people. Yeah. Yeah. The League. Yeah. The League is free, isn't it? I don't know. You can get into the League.

I can't get into the League. I don't have a LinkedIn.'t know you can get into the league i can't get into the league i don't have a linkedin what were you saying about hinge's functionality oh well i don't love it just it's just like not as i haven't used in a while but it like it used to just be like not as good as tinder the pictures were at worst quality and then also hinge does this thing where they like send you your stats and like i know that tinder has the same amount of information because it's just from facebook but they don't send it to you they don't flaunt it like there was one time that i didn't message a girl so hinge emailed me and cc'd her oh like put us both on the same email like hey you guys matched on hinge you guys both like hiking jessica's uh uh jessica works at this place and grew up and then it's like jake went to hamden hall high school yo chill chill hinge what the fuck are you doing

you're you're telling her where i went to school and that i like my sister's music and you're telling me where she works he's like a really passionate uh what's it called person that puts people to matchmaker yeah it's like you already made the match let us deal with it at this point we'll do it from here and how about you don't just like announce things that you think you know about me i'm sorry hinge but you haven't fucking been there from the beginning it's just like yo hey check this out meet jake he went to this high school like that matters to anybody it's like a hinge chill out i can talk for myself you're not bragging what if i want to tell her about myself i'll tell her something that uh i feel is i feel

represents me in a positive way well yeah tinge is like a drunk guy at a party he's like hey you should talk to jake he went to hamden and the girl's like all right i don't know why he's like sorry that's my weird older brother hinge that actually would have been a really fun response to that email what sorry hinge is being a little aggressive uh let me tell you about myself and then tinder's like a better matchmaker but he's just constantly asking you for cash. Yeah. See, this is why we should still be working at CollegeHumor. We can come up with viral videos like this.

That's true. Dating apps at a party. Let's ask for our old jobs back. We're lonely. We're lonely and scared. All right. That's it. We gave this guy advice, I think.

Yeah. Sort of like a mix of both things that you're asking. Yeah. You can do a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. The Venn diagram will collapse. Yeah. All right. That's it.

That's our time. Thanks to everybody for listening on this bonus bonus Thursday. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions or your own thumbnail submissions, please. The email address for everything about our podcast is if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was from Becky and Ben from Australia. Nailed it. And this last one is from somebody named Roland. So thanks, Becky and Ben and Roland. We'll be back on Monday.

Yeah. Where's my snare? Roland. Ta-ra. We'll be back on Monday. Yes! Where's my snare? I can't hear my snare. Ah, there it is. Good. Okay. Jake and Amir intro. Part one. Here we go.

Hold up. Everybody knows that it's time to listen up to these two cool bros. One's a diva, the other's the pinch. If you're asking for an answer while they're giving, it's a cinch. Adultery, hygiene, Tinder, and love. In a list of what they covered, they tick all of the above. So sit back, listen, turn it off if you're Jake's mom. Ask if I were you, the show, at gmail.com. Cause it's nice to have a pal.

Or if not, someone to help you out and if I were you the show is gonna get you on the roll Yes, ladies, is your man a little bitch? Is your pussy red and clammy? Does it need a little itch? No need to ask a friend to lend a near It's easy as emailing into jake and amir fellas now we're not forgetting you does your dick look like a meatloaf is there bleeding in your poo

well now don't just show it to an ass email jake and amir and take their advice first cause uh they know they know what they're talking about believe me okay