Segments - 14: Mystery Guest Part 3

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

In this episode we guess another guest, we poetry another test, and we get back to our advice giving roots!Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second! Another podcast. Second!

Each app different from the last. Second! It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second! Why are you looking at me confused for? We were doing like air instruments during the during the intro. Yeah. The last one was so off color. It wasn't off color. It was the upright bass.

I thought you were like fucking a giant gorilla or something. No, I was. I thought you were like fucking a giant gorilla or something um no I was from behind and you were like almost fucking a gorilla not almost it sounds like you thought I was legitimately pantomiming having sex what made you go to gorilla because I was doing a flute you did a guitar and then i did a harmonica stood up and i thought you were literally i know what you thought i was doing yeah i wasn't almost upright bass anyone watching can see my oh he's doing it again you're choking the fucking ape no it's not choking the ape there's nothing to do with an ape. You're being obscene.

You're talking about bestiality. You're being crass, yeah. Yeah, you're being crass. Ass. This is Segment's, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Yeah, that's right. I'm Jake.

I thought we'd bring back the advice at one point in the show, but we're not there yet. We, that's right. I'm Jake. I thought we'd bring back the advice at one point in the show, but we're not there yet. We're not there yet. I wanted to start with a classic, and it's about time we have a classic. This is probably our most recurring segment. Really?

That is, yeah. Not mystery guest. Not mystery guest. Not guessing an age of a random celebrity. We've done that a couple times. That one's a classic, too. This has to be the most classic fan favorite, could be its own podcast, Poetry or Know-It-Tree? Yes, Poetry or Know-It-Tree, a.k.a. Poetry or Nah.

Yeah. Yeah. This one was sort of, I'm going to make it a little different because my buddy Jesse, who listens to the show, sent me a poem. And it's like, this one is a famous poem about Los Angeles. I feel like it's not that good. You could have written it. I'm like, oh, well, that's sort of an insult, but thank you, I guess. And so I found three poems about LA. One of them I wrote, and the other two are real poems about Los Angeles.

So these are all of the certain theme. I do love poems on a theme. Let me ask you, is the one that Jesse sent you part of this, or is that? Yes, it is. It's also a poem about LA. All right. So it's famous. You're not afraid that I might know it? I, it is. It's also a poem about LA. All right. So it's famous. You're not afraid that

I might know it? I know some poems. You know some poems, but I think this one was like, you know, by an LA poet laureate. It wouldn't have like reached your national sphere. All right. Got it. So these are three poems about LA. One of them I wrote. The other two are, I guess, real poems or whatever. And I'm hoping that this sort of bypasses the whole like i can tell you wrote this one because why else would you write about this this is like right we're all writing about la yeah that's smart that's pretty smart but let's see if if that narrow focus almost shows your hand because i know what you'd write about la so shit for the ages this is all this is your third poem is that correct yes the third poem you've written

we had ha we had sadie we had a haun yeah so yeah and then And then you did two, right? You did two as well. Yeah. I forget what mine. Wait, did I do two? I guess I did. Oh, yeah, yeah. I did do two, right? Yeah.

Yeah. You did two. Honestly, I don't even remember. One was like a parking lot. Yours was so bad, I honestly don't even remember. Yeah. Well, I don't remember the second one. I'm serious.

Oh, it was the Mary Oliver one? But okay, anyway, yeah, got it. Oh, maybe like Washing Your Child or something. Oh, no, it was talking about how you write. No, the Bath one was, I think, a real poem that made me cry initially. Yes. That one was the all of these things happen, but I'm still writing the poem. It's a poem about poetry writing.

Yes. I remember. We should also say we've not gotten the other one wrong. Like we've always sniffed out the poem. Right. That's true. And I don't know if that's because we suck at poetry or we're just good at knowing each other. It might be both. It might be that I know how much you suck at poetry or we're just good at knowing each other yes might be both

it might be that i know how much you suck at poetry and vice versa but let's let's hear these three la-based poems okay let me pull them up now keep in mind they are three good poems one of them i did read that's fine that's good actually i wrote them one of them maybe this one fuck it probably is this one oh god you're trying to you're trying to duke me out with with uh just read the poem okay i love la i can't forget its smells i love to make love in la it's a great city a city without a handle the world's most mixed metropolis of intolerance and divisions how i love it how i hate it zoot suit riots can't stay away city of hungers city of angers ruben salazar rodney king i take a kick it's i'd like to kick its face in bone city dried blood on walls wildfires

taunting dove whales car fumes and oil derricks, water thievery with every industry possible and still a, quote, one industry town lined by those majestic palm trees and like its people with solid roots, supple trunks, resilient.

Okay. Not you. Next. How little okay not you next how little we do deceive or much do i deceive when i heard division i thought there was a chance thought you might have snuck some math in but no it wasn't that you wouldn't have the gall to put Rodney King's name in there. It's not that I don't think you know who Ruben Salazar is. It's because I did get the chills at the very, very last line. Solid trunks and resilient. And you can't do that to me. Let's see the other two poems.

Traipsing wearily. You already know it's me traipsing yours next it didn't even traipsing except for a guy trying to pull one over on me about poems traipsing wearily where juan baptiste alvarado carved errant sermons echo into the San Gabriel. Now cars pulse down the highway path. Lifeblood of the city measured in fuel. Zipping down sinewy side streets past taco stands that stood before the locals. Now I stand before the locals. Neighbors in hoods pieced together like a

quilt shuffled together to create the city of angels and king and king one singular king huh city of angels and king i'm not gonna. I think this one could be you just because I thought it was a little scattered. I didn't think it was. There was a lot of good poetry language in there, but I don't think any of it had a purpose. So it might be you, but it might also just be a poem that I didn't respond to. Let's go number three. Number three. The angels here have pigeons' wings. Blue collars washed in sweat. The common salt in tears. Tongues swirl in a stew of cultures. Singing asphalt songs in the midst of seagulls.

Bebop atop the San Andreas. Thereas second one was you the second one was you this one's also moving me it's true the second one was me you got it right away I didn't even finish this one. This one's good. Why? I don't know. I really don't know. I can't even quantify it. I can't understand it.

It's just obviously good. I was, yeah, my heart was a flutter as you're reading the third one. I felt nothing during yours. The streets, the taco stands, it didn't resonate with you, but this one did. Yeah. I just think that each line of your poem was a reaction to the one line before. So it wasn't like, there wasn't a through line. It was like, here's the line, here's the response. Here's the line, here's the response. There's the line, here's the response. There was no poem. You tossed in quilt to make it.

Yeah, quilt. Sinu-y side streets. You threw in some random prose there. Yeah. The alliteration. Sometimes I'll just like delete half of a line to make it sound more poetic. Like traipsing where he carved. Like carved into the mountains. And I'm like, carved i like carved into the mountains and i'm like let me just cut

into the mountains so it's just as traipsing where he carved yeah which it's it's i mean i i don't think that's a bad way to write a poem it's kind of interesting it could be your style but it's not a real poem let's well let's finish the third poem. Do these ones have names? This one is actually just called Los Angeles. Okay. In the midst of seagulls, bebop atop the San Andreas, a humble

plate of beings. If I finished it, you would have guessed me. Right, bebop atop. No no a humble plate of beings is a very very like gorgeous way to distract describe all of the humans living in la like on a fault line on a tectonic plate that can come crashing down at any second i mean that's really beautiful stuff somebody named kamau Daoud. And what was the first one called?

And who's it by? First one is the one that Jesse sent me that was like, you could have written this. Evidently not, Jesse. Joke's on you. I'm actually not good enough to write that. It's by the poet laureate of LA, or at least that's what he calls himself. Let me find his name.

Poet laureate. That should be me i've written a poem about la at this point i can at the very least be the poet laureate of silver lake luis j rodriguez okay and what did you say it was called it was uh it was like a love letter to la i don't know if there's a is and is those yours yours have a name? Oh, yeah. Love Poem to Los Angeles. Well, my name now sucks considering you fucking guessed it right off the bat. Traipsing where he carved?

It's farting around town. The Night Diary of Amir Valery Blumenkweef. But I didn't want to read that. Since you lost, you have to read it again. I think that's the only thing that you get if you win this game is that you don't have to reread your poem i'm over three you're over two we're not even

fucking close yeah and you knew this one right away yeah this one i sniffed out and i tried to veil it with two other poems about la all right let's let's hear traipsing where he carved farting around town the night diary of amir valentine traipsing wearily where juan baptiste alvarado carved errant sermons echo into the san gabriel's that's a you know mountain ranger. Now cars pulse down the highway path, kind of like blood flowing through veins or whatever. Right. Lifeblood of the city measured in fuel. So it's like instead of blood, it's gasoline.

Yeah. Right. That's good. Zipping down sinewy side streets. Now we're losing it a little bit. You're a little too focused on the cars it's not about la it's about traffic i didn't ask for notes just offering them for free yeah past taco stands that stood before the locals now i stand before the locals kind of a double

double entendre a little i could tell you were proud of yourself. That was some authoritorial intrusion. That was the poet inserting themselves in the poem. That wasn't about LA. That was about you. That was about Blumenfeld. All right. Anything else? Neighbors in hoods.

Kind of like neighborhoods. Neighbors in hoods pieced together like a quilt. Okay. Yeah. That was a filler line, but you didn't go back. Shuffle together to create the city of angels and king. Because I wrote city of angels, and I'm like, okay, that's obviously too on the nose. Yeah.

Angels and kings? Okay, that doesn't really mean anything. Angels and king? Oh, maybe this is about somebody that he doesn't know. Yeah, that's... It was an interesting... I hate it. Faint?

I hate it. Yeah. It's not a good fucking poem. I'm gonna do this. I'll do this next week, and I'll do it for New York. Yeah. And I'll be fucking good at it. Not like you with the fucking tacos.

What was that? What's a taco stand? I stand before the locals, neighbors in hoods, sinewy side streets measured in fuel, and king. And king. God damn you. Yeah. All right. Good job, you, I guess. god damn you yeah all right good job you i guess good stuff thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio,

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. And we have to get right into this segment because I have a surprise mystery guest for you. Wow, we're hitting all the classics today. That's right. I'll give you one hint. It is not my wife or daughter. Oh, okay. So it's not a repeat mystery guest this is a new one yeah right um okay now i do need you to shut your eyes because

the mystery guest has changed their name to mystery guest okay um but i want to make sure that their camera is off so we're going to admit them now. Admitting. Welcome to the podcast, Mystery Guest. Welcome, Mystery Guest. Hello. Amazing. Mystery Guest is on top of his or her shit. Whoa, that was a clue. The name is Mystery Guest.

Oh. There's an audio echo, but that's obviously fine. The Mystery Guest is going to go on mute now yeah i'm sure they are epic mistake yep yep yeah that's fine so you're yes we're not blaming you can't open your eyes you can't open your eyes all right we're back um and you're going to be asking a series of yes or no questions the mystery guest will respond yes or no in the chat. Okay. Yeah. And you have 20 guesses to try to get to who they are. Okay. I think I'm going to go at this

at kind of a different way than you usually do. You're trying to figure out the context in which we know this person. I'm going to use like straight up guess who rules wherein I just asked this person to describe himself physically. Okay. So let's start with right off the top.

I want to eliminate off the top. I want to eliminate half the people. Mystery guest, are you a male? Are you a male mystery guest? No. No, the female mystery guest. The female mystery guest has said no. Okay. said no okay mystery guest um are you over the age of 40 very rude question no how dare you wow editorializing very a younger younger lady okay mr guest are you under yeah you want to guess how

much they weigh now oh that's quite enough actually are you okay under 40 year old lady uh mystery guest have uh or does your first name start with a vowel? No. First name does not start with a vowel. Okay. Mystery guest, does your last name start with a vowel? Is that another no? Yes, it looks like it is.

Yep. That's another no. A female. Four questions, and you've narrowed down under 40 female, and their first and last name doesn't start with a vowel. Interesting. I can't say I think this is a good strategy. Of course you can. You got this wrong once. You don't know what the fuck a good strategy is either, if it bit you on the ass.

Mystery guest, have you seen the previous Mystery Guest episodes of this show? Or is this all new to you? I guess, have you seen the previous Mystery Guest episodes? No? Okay, so this is brand new action slash satisfaction. Mystery Guests. Mystery Guest. Just because I know Jake is a cheeky little boy, have we ever kissed on the mouth? Oh, my God. I need to know, you cheeky little boy.

Have I ever? God, no. Okay. Okay. That eliminates a lot of the cheeky guests that you probably would have brought. Everything I needed has already happened. I have considered inviting one of your exes on the show. Yeah, of course.

And it's not, yeah. I love that you didn't trust me and you had to ask. That's awesome. And now it saved me the embarrassment from actually having to do it okay mister guest go on are you younger than 30 stop doing this i'm curious no okay that's fine i'm now i'm in a zone yeah uh mystery guest have you ever done our podcast before? Have you ever been a guest on our podcast? Oh, there's a good question.

That's a really good question. Yes. Wow. Wow. Unbelievable, Paul. She's done our podcast before. Yeah. And now going through my head, I can't think of any other women that have been on the show who wouldn't have seen episodes and names don't start with vowels and that you haven't kissed.

Haven't kissed names that start with consonants. Mm-hmm. haven't kissed names that start with consonants. Does Mr. Guest, is your first name, or actually, Mr. Guest, were you born in January? No. Okay. Interesting. Who do you think it was?

Julia Nunes. Nice. Not Julia Nunes. Nice. Not Julia. Right. You guys didn't hook up? No. But has done this podcast before. A female guest in their 30s that's done this show.

Emily comes to mind, but her name starts with a vowel, quite frankly. Emily. And Axford. Yeah, unless she was lying to you. There's no way. Did you lie? Mr. Gets, have you lied to me? We did kiss.

God no was the answer to the kiss question. It wasn't just no. It was God no. Yeah, like as in they find you repulsive. Yeah, disgusting at the thought of it yeah the thought of it uh mystery guest do you live chose this person but at this point i would have guessed them easily yeah yeah and i'm wondering if you want to keep on asking questions or if you just want to say the answer you're halfway done with the questions i'm at 10 yeah female guest from if i were you in international a jet set that's enough mystery yes you're over you're over overstating your welcome you're you're saying too much mystery

guest just yes or no is there no questions please what did they say is that international jet sitter if you will who could it be mr guest do you have a podcast do you yourself have a podcast also getting a little hurt at this point. No. You're insulting the mystery guest. Mystery guest, you should know that Amir invited my wife Jillian on as the first mystery guest, and I couldn't guess her. So this is par for the course. It has nothing to do with how close or far we are. Mystery guest, have I seen you personally in the last year? Yes.

That's 12 questions. Mr. Guest, have I seen you in the last month? No. I saw her in the last year, but not in the last month. Not like this. No, no, no. Did that help?

I was hoping it was yes, quite frankly. I can't think of any lady guests on our podcast. Mr. Guest, have you done our podcast more than once? Yes, you moron. Okay, editorializing. That's fine, actually. good yeah good good mystery guests standing up for themselves mystery guests have you done our podcast more than five times more than five times yeah has anyone honestly probably possibly is what the mystery guests sell possibly possibly

you have five more questions allison williams starts with an a can't be allison that's right you can guess that if you want because because maybe Allison is being cheeky. Am I straight up lying? Everything leads to Allison except for the whole vowel thing, which I eliminated very early on. Yeah, which now it almost makes no sense that you asked it because you're so fixated on it. You can only think of women that's name start with vowels. That has done our show over five times honestly probably possibly possibly

uh mystery guest do you have blonde hair i think four definitely okay this might be the fifth time yeah do you have blonde hair mystery guest yes wow stunned stunned as in like you don't know who it is even though you've narrowed down mystery guess were you at jake or my wedding yes you clown clown oh it's rose it's rose mcgyver yeah wow she's angry you can turn on your camera um you can use your voice that's right i knew it right away too i honestly didn't expect this to be such a blow to my ego i can't doubt jake didn't get chill after 20 questions i got you after 16

17 17 she's on every single episode of our show she kicks them all off that's really good actually that's a good yeah that was a good tell and yeah you were at my wedding that's true confident that there was nobody else who could possibly be no female had been on your podcast more than me. I'm furious. Rightfully so. Yeah, that was not cool, Rose. I didn't think I was inviting you into that type of environment.

I apologize. You could ask two or three questions, and then there'd be one like, did we ever watch the Olympics together? And we'd all know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No.

The thing is when you're in the hot seat, like I am, it's actually, your brain is all over the place. We're racing towards everything possible. Exes, relatives, white,

black, Asian, tall, short, other. It's disgusting. Julia Nunes. Julia Nunes.

Yes, it has to be Nunes. Can I read you a poem about Los Angeles? Oh, actually, Rosie would like this. We have another segment on our show called Poetry or Know-it-ry, where we read two poems and then Amir writes one poem. And I have to guess which one is the one that he wrote. I should listen to his show. It's sounding like it's really tightened up over the years. Oh, you don't listen to it? Why would she now? I'm going to recover for a bit and then I might tune in. But tell me the poem that you wrote, Amir.

Yeah. Why don't you read her your poem? Okay, I'll read you my poem this one's called los angeles the angels here have pigeons wings no this is the one this is the real one this is the real one fine that was the real poem but did you like that did you think i could have said that that first line the angels here have wings, or does that sound like a real poem? Actually, the jury was still out on that first line. I needed a little more to know. Read her your first line.

Traipsing wearily where Juan Baptiste Alvarado carved. Errant sermons echo into the San Gabriels. Do you think that one's real? Is this you? Well, it's me pretending to be someone else. I'll admit the first two lines are not bad. It just goes downhill

from there. Now cars pulse down the highway path. How cars pulse. How cars pulse down the highway path. Now cars pulse. Now cars pulse.

Lifeblood of the city measured in fuel. Is that correct? Wow. Jake memorized it. What? That's actually really good and then it goes on from there but it's actually fucking too strong and nice to how are you doing where are you montreal shooting ghosts you know what i'm good i'm good i have to go back to work but um i'm so glad i could be there for this just absolute assault this was just an epic

segment god i wish i got it a little earlier so you can get back to work sooner yeah i live i i mean yeah we did live together a little bit and it was just absolute crickets no you ever knew anyone besides julianunes. It was the blonde. The blonde. When I narrowed that down, I knew it had to be you. Or Nunes. You guys. Well, I guess it was nice to see you.

Yeah. I'll see you under a bit of circumstances next time. We love you, Rosie. Thank you. We love you, guys. Bye. Bye. Thank you. I feel like she liked my poem i feel like you really you burned that bridge that was that was really insulting

scary to be the one guessing you don't want to insult anyone yeah right which, that's like, that's the worst, that's your worst fear realized. This is, that's why the segment is so scary. Thankfully, Jill didn't get mad at me. And, you know, Gemma didn't really realize what was going on. She was fine with it, ultimately. Ultimately, yeah, she didn't care. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game

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Visit audible.ca to sign up. Legends! All right, we're back, baby. Yes, indeed, we are. I mean, this is shaping out to be an absolute all-timer. Yeah, a banger of an episode i mean we can't just like settle on a format instead of coming up with a new one every week it's like why don't we just play poetry or nah every single time yeah have a mystery guest and then we'll do uh hogwash or haun to take us home hogwashwash or haun. Actually, this one is kind of a recycled segment idea we had,

which is basically we still get questions to our old If I Were You email. Yes, that's true. So that podcast is in retirement. Yeah, but we still get the email. So in theory, as a segment of this show, we could kind of just go back to our old one. Classic throwback. A segment called If I Were You based on our Woe Begone podcast from years old.

Incredible. Yeah, why not? So we have one. You have a question. I have a question right here. I don't know if you remember how to do this, but we give these people fake names to preserve their anonymity that's right we do um it's a 19 year old guy from the netherlands okay let's uh call him uh richarlison you still fucking got it you absolutely still have it uh-huh uh-huh it Uh-huh. It never left. Dear Josh and Shmuel, I'm a 19-year-old guy from the Netherlands, and about three months ago I met this girl through a student association we're both a part of. After seeing each other at a few of the drinks organized by our association,

I decided to ask her out. All the bars and restaurants were closed, so we decided to do a walk through Amsterdam. The date went very well, and we had good chemistry, at least good enough for a solid first date, solid enough that I felt like going in for a kiss would be a good choice at the end. However, when our date was ending, her tram suddenly arrived, meaning she had to abruptly leave, and this led me to go for a hug instead of a kiss, which I felt would have been forced and sudden. So directly after the date, she messaged me saying, sorry for leaving so abruptly, and we kept in touch through Instagram and TikTok DMs. A few days later, I expressed my interest for a second date.

However, she caught COVID, which made it impossible to see each other. And since then, we stayed in contact for a bit. But the problem is I feel like it's mostly quite amicable slash platonic and we're not really flirty with each other anymore. Is this the result of me hugging her on the first date? My question for you guys is, what is my next best move and how do I show her that my goal is not being platonic, but more than that? I don't want to come off as too strong, but I also don't want to seem like I'm in it to just be friends. Right. I've already expressed my interest for a second date. Should I just wait for her to come back to the topic, or do I propose it again?

P.S., how many cheeses on a pizza is too many? Interesting. I never consider the cheese one. One. Maybe two. Yeah, I think two is the max. I'm not really a cheese forward pizza guy. I like a buffalo or a regular mozzarella, but as soon as you're doing like the quattro

fromaggi, it's like this is just, it's starting to turn into some sort of cheese salad. Yeah, it's a different beast at that point. It's not pizza. I don't think it's bad bad but you're not having pizza you're having an open face grilled cheese but okay had yeah you're having had a grilled cheese um the good news about the whole kiss thing and the platonic thing is that it's all happening in your head and not in real life so i don't i don't think it's a result of the kiss. I think it's probably more so a result of the COVID. I think that's going to pump the brakes. I think that's going to cool things down

a little bit. And yeah, you maybe lost a little bit of momentum, but I also don't think that you, like you're behaving as if you've lost all momentum, but that's only – it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're like, oh, we're just platonic. Oh, I blew it with the hug. She's not interested. So you're probably – I mean look at your DMs. Have they gotten a little lazy? Have they gotten a little lackluster?

I think you could turn the heat up and the soup is going to get hotter. Do you know what I'm saying? So it's almost like whatever happened pre-COVID doesn't count. It's like that was a platonic date or not. It was a good date or not. But then you're sick and you get better and it's just like that's all a preamble. It's almost like you have to go out on a first date again. Yes, another first date.

So I think I don't entirely know what the dms look like and if you know he proposed a second date and she kind of ignored it or if it was like lost in the in the conversation if you know it it i don't if she has like forgotten to respond to it whatever but i think you gotta shoot one more shot wholeheartedly you ask for that second date you try to reintroduce the flirtation and it doesn't sound like you're being too aggressive any in any of this because you didn't kiss you i think going for the hug when the train was coming was actually the right move you don't want to make your first move in that moment in the train so oh uh oh hold on oh your train's coming like no i don't think so i think it's better to to let it happen naturally and don't try to force it i think i've given this advice on our if i were you show before but something i realized at the

end of my dating career was that like i would never go for the kiss the first date i'd be like i would rather err on the side of like even if they expect it and it seems like a good moment i would err on the side of not doing it because like the risk reward factor of like if i risk it in it she doesn't want it then it's like extra bad and if she does want it and i don't do it then that's also fine it felt like a a win-win situation. Yeah, yeah. I think not going for the kiss at the end of the first date is never, ever grounds for no first date. Like, I liked him. It was perfect.

But I'm not going to go out with him because he didn't kiss me. I think it's like that's only perceived as you being shy or being a gentleman. So that's all good. Yeah, so that's why I think, like, this guy's probably still all good. That said, if it's undeniable, if the first kiss, if everybody wants the first kiss on the first date, that's that's all good yeah so that's why i think like this guy's probably still all that said if it's undeniable if the first kiss if everybody wants the first kiss on the first date i do think it's fine i don't think it's like i guess i just mean at the end of the date kind of like right it always felt so forced and nerve-wracking so like i always remove that part of my brain i'm

like i'm just not gonna do it instead of like while i'm saying all right great i had a good time thank you so much blah blah blah i'm like i'm not i don't want to be nervous during that no yeah i don't think i don't think i ever was into like the idea of the kiss coming at the goodbye i think the goodbye has to be at the goodbye and the kiss was usually happening in the middle of the date if it's going really well you start making out at the bar great stuff that's great stuff but yeah if it hasn't happened then then you just walk everyone home and you say goodbye no harm no foul firm handshake put her there pal a bro i'll call you you dab them up where do i know you what all right slugger thanks let's play mystery guests sometime me and you actually poetry would be a very fun third date ideas you show up with a poem and the other

person has to guess oh but don't use it yet yeah you don't want to break out the poem on the first or second date yeah especially if they laugh at you but yeah no i think you're fine i think fire your shot pretend that the last two or three weeks didn't even happen and if anything just remember that you had a great first date that was only hurried along by a train and that's all that's all fine and then do you literally say can we go out again or like hey we should hang out another time. And then do you literally say, can we go out again? Or like, hey, we should hang out another time. Like, how cash do you ask? I think if you're, you might as well get rid of the unambiguity or get rid of, be unambiguous, get rid of the ambiguity, I should say, and just be like, let's go out.

Are you free Friday? Like, I don't, maybe it's just because I'm an old man now. But the idea of being like we should go out again and then like that's it sounds like you're playing playing it safe because then they can say like yeah they can let you down easy but just why not be like are you around on saturday i want to go out again that it's like that's a that's a real ask a real ask so they can have all the information that if they say yes you don't't have to be like, I hope she thought that was a date. Say what's on your mind.

Well, don't say what's on your mind because you don't want to let her in on all that. Right, exactly. Really? Say that for your poem. But don't insert yourself into the poem, I guess. Which, by the way, I don't even think that's a good rule when you said that to me don't insert it is if you're writing about a city it is if you're writing about a city it is if you're writing about a city it is if you're writing about a city your poem starts with

i'm standing next to a tall building now i can't believe how fucking cold it is traipsing warily me jake next to a building carved a gas station in the distance it's long island shitty aka long island city mid coast connecticut spring i hope i don't i hope i'm not the first one to lose poetry or know a tree i can't have that on my permanent record yeah dude and i i really i'm i'm ready i've been like writing a poem in my up here in the head let's cheat for a while that's absolutely what do you mean putting a lot of effort isn't cheating. Yeah, trying is cheating. You have to sort of piece it together while you're at a urinal.

I guess the ethos of it is that like poetry is so dumb and random, I could fart one out and you would know the difference. We've proven that's not true. So now I just have to try to trick you with my skill, with my quality. That's right. Traipsing warily, hither and thither. Okay, that's it. That's it.

Enjoy. Have fun. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. Segment ideas, hit us up below. You guys are coming up with some good ones. I feel like there's a solid to get to list now. So add yours below and let us know what we should do next.

Let us know what you think about the poems. Let us know what you think about the guests. And we'll be back, of course, next week. You can watch these on YouTube. You can listen to these wherever. And you can watch us on our Patreon, patreon.com.ja. Yeah, yeah. We're watching Jake and Amir videos.

We're writing Jake and Amir videos. It's all happening at Patreon. That's right. right go on check it out uh and for more of us on this show segments of course we'll be back next week see you slash hear from you then peace goodbye everybody that was a hit gum original