Segments - 14: Sexting

Episode Date: August 5, 2013

In this episode we discuss sexting, cheating, and nearly getting arrested in Iceland. This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com! Ever wonder what kind of glasses Amir wears? Wonder no more: "Crosby" by Warby Parker. Frames AND Lenses for $95! Check them out. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live.

Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662.

Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. I get asked, are you really like that? And the answer is yes. The number two question I get asked are, where the hell do you get your glasses? And the answer is Warby Parker.

Warby frickin' Parker, man. That's right. It's probably my favorite new thing in glasses since I got glasses because glasses are insanely expensive. For frames and lenses, they can cost, you know, upwards of $500 to $700. But Warby Parker gives you frames and prescription lenses starting at 95 i remember when i found out about warby parker i just assumed it was a hoax a scam a lie but i've been wearing warby parkers in uh our videos and in real life for the past i don't know three years wow so i can assure you that it is no hoax it's for real it is for real and the way it

works is they have a home try-on program. You basically choose five frames that you like. They send it to you for free. You try them on. You say which one you like the most. Send it back with your prescription. And they'll send you your pair of glasses for $95. It's that simple.

And you can tell them we sent you. Specifically by putting in coupon code IFIWEREYOU when you're buying your glasses. And they'll send you the glasses with expedited shipping, which is three business days. So please check it out. It'll really help us out. They also have prescription sunglasses. Their glasses are obviously something

that I really like because I currently wear the glasses. I like that they're very plain, simple, yet still stylish and fashionable. There's not a lot of things I know about fashion wise, but I think glasses is like at the top of my list because I've had to wear them for 20 years. Right. I've also gotten a lot of compliments on my glasses.

The ones that I wear are called the Crosby's, but there's a bunch of other cool ones as well. So please check out warbyparker.com. Put in the coupon code if you like what you see. And yeah, that's it. Enjoy the show. Jake has a butterfly tattoo, that's it. Enjoy the show. You can learn a lot to love and laugh and listen to their voices. Because if they were you, they'd make better life choices. Rest in peace, love.

That was fun. Todah. Todah Thelsey. Yeah. Thelsey, Telsey, not Chelsea. Not Helsey, but Thelsey. Thanks so much, Thelsey. This is If I Were You, the only advice...

This is the earliest I've messed up. On your catchphrase, too. What's the plan here, Blooms? Nine seconds deep. What happens? You want to edit it? No, I guess this is it. This is the podcast.

This is the podcast. All right, hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jay Witts, Jay Money, Jay Dollars, Jay Skrilla, Jay Hood. Oh, my God. That was so cool. Really? I was sure you were going to say something different.

When I was done and I looked at you and I saw the disdain in your eyes. No, no, no. I'm a positive guy now, so I don't talk badly about people. Even when they're huge assholes. Like, even when they do something so uncool, I just say, that was cool because it was cool, I think. Wow, nice. We are here to answer people's questions. They are in difficult situations. They email

the show at ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com We comb through thousands and hundreds of millions of submissions and find five to six to answer on the podcast. You ever think about how fucking noble that is? What we do? I think the word

hero gets tossed around pretty loosely but I guess we're heroes. Like more so than a teacher or a doctor. Right. And I'd venture to say we are more than heroes. So what would you, like astronauts? Saints. Goddamn saints.

We are goddamn saints. I think I'm a religious hero or some shit. I really think, you know, what does this say? They perform how many miracles? Like they have to perform three miracles and dedicate their life to service? This is episode 13, so we've performed 13 times 5, 110 miracles. Wow, and my buddy's good at math, so how's that? It's actually 70.

Yeah, 110 was way off. Really? Yeah. 13 times 5, yeah. Well, I mean, is it worse that I thought it was right the first time? I think it's worse that my initial estimate was so off. Like I should have just done 12 times 5, which is 60, plus 10, which is 70. Right.

Yeah. But I was so bad at math that you could have said literally any number. Wait, wait, wait. I just, while we were talking, I realized the actual answer to 13 times 5 is not 70 either. Wow. It's 65. We've reached at the actual conclusion to 13 times 5 is not 70 either. Wow. It's 65. We've reached at the actual conclusion. Do you want to edit the podcast now to make it look like you're good at math?

This literally is the most embarrassed I've ever felt on the podcast, getting that question wrong three times. Technically twice, but yeah. If it's actually not 65, then I do want to start over. Are you going to calculate it right now? No, it is 65 i know for a fact i mean it's 10 times 5 plus 15 65 it's 12 times 5 60 plus 5 65 all right i mean why are we even debating this anymore it's so obvious you're crying um god so um i just realized we didn't think of a fake uh name theme for today's show.

So we sort of make it up on the spot. Interesting. So we read your emails and we try to answer them, taking them one by one. We give fake names to every email to preserve their anonymity. And this one will come from someone named that we'll call Elaine. Nice. Oh, yeah. got it already so elaine in quotations writes hey i'm here and jake this guy that i like recently started texting me on a regular basis

at first it was just normal stuff talking about what we did that day or what we were up to at the moment then he started texting me sexy things, really sexy things, until we were basically having intercourse via iPhone. Now he keeps telling me he wants to hang out with me, but I'm nervous after what we did. I'm wondering, if I sext him over text, does it mean he'll expect real sex? Please help me out of this, Vex. Love, Elaine.

Very nice, Elaine. I like the rhyme at the end. Yeah, go home. I feel like this brings up a very interesting phenomenon that we experienced on IM as kids growing up, which is when you're chatting with someone, there's a degree of anonymity, and you're ready to say and do really crazy shit that you wouldn't in person. Like having late-at-night chat conversations, things can get very heated. And then you see the person who like in real life you haven't even had a very good relationship with. And you finally see them and it's like, what's the expectations?

Did that stuff that happened online or over text? Was that even real? Was that us? Was that me? It's such a weird thing like to have basically phone sex and then go out on a first date. Yeah, it's true. I feel like what usually happens is at first you guys both ignore it, but in the back of your mind you both know what went down. Right.

And then later on when things get loosey-goosey, that's when everyone's like, that was crazy last night. Yeah, I think you'll have real sex and then you'll talk about the phone sex. Yeah, but it's weird that I guess now kids are having the phone relationships further along. Like, this seemed like it confused her, right? She was like, we were basically having sex. Like, he started texting me really, really ridiculous things. Until we were basically having intercourse via Ive.

One thing led to another. It's like she sounds so innocent that I really wonder what her basically having intercourse is i i was i was so confused so i was i was just texting him i'm sucking your dick i'm sucking your dick i'm jerking you off now i i i don't even dropping the phone it was at dinner she's at a restaurant i mean what is it we're basically having sex you're fucking me from behind you're fucking me from behind. You're fucking me from behind. Is this what I'm... Am I even doing it right?

I guess if I'm a guy having phone sex with someone. It depends. Because at this point in my life, I have sex. So, sorry, mom. I know you listen to the podcast. Why are you following that? Newsflash. I'm 27, okay?

I've been having sex for two years now your mom's calling you no shit she listens to the live i'm a virgin i swear to god uh so i guess like my expectation is a little bit like uh if i'm having like a sexting conversation with someone i would probably expect that they'd be sleeping with me unless they're like, they have a boyfriend and they're sexting. Right. But sex doesn't necessarily mean you want to have real sex with a person, does it? Or is it like a fantasy land?

I think it, I think it does. It's like you can, maybe I'm out of touch. I'm not a teenager anymore. I just date them. I just crush a lot. I just date them. I'm not a teenager. I just have sex with 19-year-olds.

You don't actually. That was a joke, right? Yeah, no, I don't. I haven't had sex with a 19-year-old since I was 19 myself. Wow, there you have it. So what do you think? Sorry, Mom. Everything you say is an apology to your own mother.

So would you say that this person, she's wondering if she sexted him over text, does it mean that that's real sex that she expects? Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to help you with this vex, and I don't want to put you under a... Complex. By putting you under a hex or anything. But, yeah, I think that's probably what the guy is expecting. So either don't go on the date if you don't want to sleep with him?

Well, I mean, no. You can go on the date and definitely just not have sex with him, and he can deal with that. That'll be fine. Yeah, would you say it's the girl's, like, not responsibility, but it often ends up as, like, you will go as far as the female will let you? Like, is the girl dict like uh not responsibility but it often ends up as like you will go as far as the female will let you like is the girl dictating how far i mean i'm sure it happens that guys are like hey i want to take it slow but i feel like it's way more rare i think guys are kind of just

like whatever you're down for i'm down for and it's like totally up to the girl so if it's totally up to her why don't we say do whatever you're comfortable with yeah if he might expect real sex but you know what maybe he would have any guy you go on a date with does not at least expect but like any guy should be used to not getting laid so like if you if he expects sex and you don't have sex with him and he's like oh damn that's fine that's an emotion he's going to deal with a lot throughout his life but do you think he has a better case of saying oh damn because they had phone sex like yeah but i mean yeah we had phone sex uh if let's do a little role role play we're like in bed i say no i'm not gonna have sex with you okay and i'm the guy

yeah girl okay right so oh let me uh unbuckle your belt pants Hey no buster What are you talking about Let me take out my cell phone You clearly said it was at 6.31 in the morning I'm currently taking out your penis I mean like I'm looking at my text messages Yeah I guess my response to that is

Go fuck yourself sir Well I will No actually you don't get this booty You gotta earn this booty you gotta earn this booty this text message is a a script of how tonight was gonna go a bonding a binding goddamn contract actually yeah and it's written so feel free to say no to a guy who expects sex and uh it's gonna be fine that he doesn't get to have it yeah that's the long and the short of it. Thanks for writing in, Elaine. Thanks, Elaine.

Question the second. Are you ready for question number two? Oh, yeah. Hey, why don't I beatbox this into it? No, you don't have to do that. Question two. I'm okay. I didn't have to do it, but I did it.

Don't like actually sort of talked over the beatbox a little. Here we go. Oh, my God. Question two. It's kind of cool. I start talking. I wasn't done. It's a fucking.

It's called a pregnant pause. Jack. You jack. You're a jack for that. This question comes from Jerome Seinfeld. Jerome writes, it's another Tinder question. Fuck yeah. I was recently using Tinder and I saw my friend's girlfriend's profile.

They've been in a relationship for just over a year now and her recent activity is three days ago. Should I tell my friend that she's using the app regularly or is it not my place? What should I do? Man, the crazy thing is I swiped her right and we matched. Can you freaking believe it? I think we have to go on a date. It is the unbroken rule of Tinder. We started chatting and we ended up having phone sex. And I think now sex is what

she expects what is this hack oh shoot do i tell my friend that i fucking found my soulmate on tinder and it's his gf i swiped her in her bottom and now i'm here how did this happen swiped her right what a fright or is it a delight? Yeah, I mean... It's the equivalent of finding someone cheating. Or is it the equivalent of finding someone flirting? Yeah, because Tinder isn't cheating necessarily.

And I think a lot of people download Tinder just to see what it's about. Because people that are in relationships want to be part of trends too so it's like i've seen people with boyfriends and girlfriends on tinder and they're like oh yeah it's just like fun to like mess with people when we match which i actually advocate against because a lot of people are on tinder trying to find their soulmate i'm trying to find my soulmate you're trying to find your soul i'm trying to find my soulmate. You're trying to find your soulmate. I'm trying to find my soulmate. On Tinder. I try to find her in every single aspect of my life. I'm looking for her when I'm at Starbucks. I'm looking for her when I'm out at a bar. I'm looking for her at work. I'm looking for her out when I'm hiking

in the woods. And I'm looking for her on Tinder. So yeah, I'm on a goddamn mission to find my soulmate. A spirit quest to find my spirit animal and and i really think she's using this hooking up app for 20 to 30 years well you know what i'm using it so maybe our we have would have that in common don't you think but if you met your if like if you were describing your soulmate would uh somebody who uses tinder possibly be on there she might use tinder and when i meet her she would say oh my Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed that I'm on Tinder. My friends pressured me into it, but I just can't meet a guy.

So maybe you're him, and I say, Listen, listen. Listen. I am your soulmate. Baby, baby, baby. Now is not the time to talk. Now is the time to sext. Then you guys both get into bed and start sexting each other. I think it's viable to think that you could find the love of your life on Tinder at this point.

Yeah? I mean, there's a couple hundred thousand people on it. What are the odds that, honestly, what are the odds that a soulmate isn't on Tinder at this point? Well, you know what? What are the odds that a soulmate isn't a real thing and doesn't exist? I guess that's about 100. Yeah, what are the odds that I'm going to live and die alone? Surrounded by my friends, but still

wafting around in a sea of abject loneliness. Do I have a chance to not hate myself? I'll put that at zero. I'd love to swipe my life to the right off a cliff. So should this person... That would be to the left, actually. The left is what you don't want. Those are the discards.

Oh. Okay? The hell. Download the app. How many people do you think are just never been swiped right? Oh, God, that's so sad. I feel like even if you're hideously ugly,

you get swiped right as a joke at least. Which is almost worse. Yeah. You've been joke swiped four times And authentically swiped The Tinder badge You get the class clown You've been joke swiped right

A hundred right swipes And every single person is fucked with you We were joking about like How embarrassing it would be To like have Tinder badges appear On your Facebook profile Oh my god yeah yeah Jake is part of the lonely hearts club Tinder badges appear on your Facebook profile. Oh my god, yeah, yeah.

Jake is part of the Lonely Hearts Club. 100 swipes without a match. Jake is Tinder's most active user. 14 hours logged on at a time. Jake has swiped 3,000 times in the last two days. He's our MVS most valuable sniper. Is anybody out there a ward? 1500 messages sent without a single reply.

Jake has casted the widest net. 250 consecutive right swipes. One match. Jake has entered desperation mode. That's 18 to 50 plus and 100 mile plus radius. He'll take anything Any chick will do

Mercy So yeah I guess We always forget to give advice I feel like Well real quick Just if you've never even heard of Tinder It's an application where people are looking for other people to hook up Yeah this is for people who haven't heard of Tinder And then still let us like

We're listening to the podcast as we went on a five minute tinder rant they're that big of fans they know question number three will win them back so thank you yeah tinder's a dating app where you at this point they have to pay us right you see a girl you just you see you open it up and you see a picture of a female and if you think she's cute you swipe her to the right or if you're a gal using tinder it's a picture of a guy or if you're a lesbian or gay person then it's the same sex it shows you yeah genders that you're attracted to if you think they're attractive swipe her to the right if you think they're unattractive you swipe to the left if they also swipe to you to the right that's a match and you guys get to chat so this guy found his

anyway tinder send us a check at this, I'd like more than a check. I'd like more than a check. I'd like a match. I'd like my soulmate. Tinder, you owe me one soulmate. You goddamn son of a bitch. You slippery, slimy little snake. You owe me a soulmate.

You heathens. You really do at this point. You really owe me a soulmate. I downloaded Tinder to find my soulmate, but uh-oh, it's turned me into a monster. And now my soulmate is just the devil. So this guy found his buddy's girlfriend on it. Right. And I guess I think you, if you're close at all to the girl, maybe I'd say something to her first and see if there's a logical explanation. So you don't get your buddy up in arms and then cause a rift in the relationship when it's not necessary.

Yeah, maybe he knows about it. Maybe he's on it, too. Yeah, maybe they did it together. You've got to be pretty dumb to use it in the city that your boyfriend's friends are in, right? It's true. But I mean, it's sort of like that um the uh if you like pina coladas song yeah how so though well have you ever heard that song if you like pina coladas or getting yeah so it's like about it yeah he like takes out he's desperate to find somebody he like has a wife

but he's like i really want like a fling i want it like i don't feel any passion in my life so he takes out a personal ad and the lyrics to the chorus are the personal ad if you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain, if you like making love at midnight at the dunes on the Cape, then you're the love that I've looked for. Write to me and escape. And then in the next verse, he finds that I'm the love that you've looked for. He's like, oh my God, my soulmate, the pina colada person,

lets me at this time, and he meets, and it's his wife. They were both down to cheat on each other. Right. He's like, are you mad at me? Like like yeah like i took out this ad but you i answered it so wow that's a really beautiful song i had no idea that's what it was about yeah it's so stupid but it is kind of cool yeah usually songs are like uh very cool but the lyrics are awful and this is like sort of the opposite right the music is lame and the lyrics. If you like pina coladas. Or the paradox of trying to cheat on your wife and she's the only one who's down to do it with you. Very intelligent discourse happening.

If you like irony. If you like dramatic irony. So I say Tell your friend If he's your friend Then he deserves to know From you That his girlfriend Is looking to Hook up with other dudes

But I strongly urge you To do a little bit more Detective work Before you Yeah swipe her to the right Right And if it's a match Then she's definitely using it

Yeah Cool We're at about the halfway point do you want to take a little break a little take a breather let's take a breather you know what i wanted you to talk about was that awesome story that happened to you get like really close to the mic yeah yeah really really lean in you like that i want this to be i want this to be clean something really happy funny happened to kind of me and also you in Iceland. Yes. So we were in Iceland.

We were on vacation in Iceland. And I guess the thing that happens in the summer in Iceland is the sun doesn't go down. So it's light all the time. So at midnight, it looks like it's like the sun is like the 7.30 p.m. sky, but always. And then the other thing is that people in the capital city in Reykjavik drink very heavily on the 7.30 p.m. sky, but always. And then the other thing is that people in the capital city, in Reykjavik, drink very heavily on the weekends. They do this thing called a run tour, which is like a pub crawl or whatever. So we got very excited.

We got very drunk. Amir does not drink very often, but I got him, I think, was the drunkest you've ever been? Yeah, I guess it must have been because there are details. I've never blacked out, but there were details that I didn't remember. Right. And I don't know if it's the drunkest I've ever been because I do drink a lot. Sorry, Mom.

That one is actually sorry, Mom. I really am sorry, Mom. But I got completely wasted. You did not remember four to five hours of the entire thing. Yeah. I remember you falling off the bench yeah which was like at 11 p.m right you fell off the bench and then the next thing i remember is coming to in this club where the uh the bouncer said uh your card was declined so how did we get there how did we get to the car the bouncer telling you that a card was declined all right so um so we got So we went to this kind of exclusive bar where I told Amir to just go up and tell the door person that he was famous.

I don't know what you said to them, but you went up to the door person. There's a long line. And then all of a sudden, next thing we knew, me and Amir and my brother and Jeff Rosenberg and like this weird crew of people that we had somehow amassed from the first bar and just like walking down the street, like 12 of us all just were shepherded into this bar. We were the Pied Piper of drunken Icelandic people. So we cut this line. And at one point we found out like, cause there were some more people outside. We wanted to get in and they were like, if you get table service, you can get more people in. So we're like, how much money is that?

And they said 5,500 kroner. And then you looked to me to do the math. This is part I don't remember. So you're telling me. Yeah. So I said, do the math. 5,500 kroner. And you looked at me.

And it's actually close to what the math problem we had to do earlier today, which was 13 times 5. It was like 5,500 divided by by like whatever 130 kroner per dollar so i did the math at roughly 50 which is somewhat accurate right which seems like about right for maybe i don't know sure i had dollars okay we're having fun let's get on all of our buddies sure so we all we all went in we got the table service i think you have you ordered a we ordered a bottle yeah um anyway so a little i've – then it's all a blur. Or not even – like it's not even a blur because it's just – it's a blink. It's nothing ever happened.

Blur means there are colors there that are smeared, and we are looking at a black, black canvas. Yeah, it's a black hole. I was never there. I leave around 2. We get in at midnight. I'm there for two hours and i leave around two because i'm not feeling very good right so they tell me uh my card was declined oh then at four everyone starts leaving and jake goes to pay for whatever the bottle service was fifty dollars and

then plus whatever a bottle of alcohol is so they give me my card back and like their their machines are sort of weird in iceland and like my magnetic strip on my card had been like uh kind of acting a fool the entire trip so i was like thinking nothing of it's like two oh it's like what 200 bucks so I uh grabbed my brother's card and was like I'll give you money later just uh let's swipe this they were like this card is also declined and then it like sort of dawned on me I was like how much are you charging the card for and they forget the number this it was like 158 000 krona which is which and then i was like what is that in u.s dollars and there it was 1400 and i was like what this is where i went from just like blackout drunk to dead sober yeah we're gonna charge you uh a macbook air i think for your

time here that you don't remember like a used car or a month of rent, that's going to be what you paid at the bar. I do not remember this. Borderline of mugging. Why? Why is it $1,400? And they said, you ordered two bottles of Grey Goose. And I was like, I mean, how much money is a bottle of Grey Goose? But I was just like, no, I didn't. I did not order.

Which may be true, but maybe not because you don't know because you were just blackout. Right. But I mean, I can't imagine. I was so drunk that I definitely didn't. I would have never looked at somebody and been like, give me another bottle of Grey Goose. Right. I didn't even need the first bottle. Especially if you knew the price. Right. So 100%, I knew that I did not order a second bottle. I wasn't even positive that I ordered the first one. So I was like, I didn't order.

Maybe that came with the table or something. Right. But they didn't tell us the price. Exactly. So I said, no, I won't pay that. And they were like, this is when I got surrounded by all the bouncers in the bar. The bar was empty and they were like, just pay it and you can go. This is at 4 a.m. This is at 4 a.m. And the light is out as if it's like 8 in the morning. Right. It looks like 9 a.m. out there. And I was like, I won't pay it.

They surrounded me. They say, pay it and you can leave. And I was like, no. And they said, if you don't pay it, we're going to call the police. And I was like, please do. Call the police right now. Keep in mind, there's nine policemen in Iceland. And they all showed up.

They were all drunk. So the police got there and they were like, it's like Icelanders have never heard of lying before. The officer was just like, looked at the bartender, and he was like, he said you bought two bottles of Grey Goose. And I said, I didn't. He was like, why would he say that? What's in it for him? Why would he just make that up? Is he hallucinating?

I know what he said, and this is what I'm saying. This is why you're here. You were called because there was a dispute, right? That's what you said while you were shoving him. Jeff and Micah were trying to calm me down the entire time because I was just irate. And he was like, you have to go to jail while we decide what's going on. You're going to have to wait in jail. Icelandic prison, by the way, is a three-star hotel.

It's the Blue Lagoon. Everybody at the Blue Lagoon is just being held there against their will geothermal hot spa 40 miles outside of the officer the arresting officer gives you a massage a hot stone a hot stone bath so i but i was like i won't i'm not gonna no i was like laughing i'm like no you can't make me go to jail over this you were just talking you were talking to them as if they were like three 15-year-olds asking you for money. I was talking to them like, yeah. And we were also like we could possibly debate like the fact that I got services that I shouldn't have to pay for. And so they were like, we're going to look at the security tapes and see if like – and like if we find that you ordered two bottles, you have to pay everything. That's the funniest thing.

As if a security camera could... Were you microphone? Were you wearing a wireless lab? There's just a zoomed in shot of me going, two, holding up my fingers, saying two bottles. And you stared at the camera afterwards, winked. Holding a gray shirt and then flapping my wings like a goose. So I think they were just trying to wait us out.

Because they made us sit there for two hours And I was like I'll give you my ID I'll give you whatever you want I'll just come back in the morning And you can let me know what you found And they were like no So finally at one point

The police officer came out He's like the bartender's tired He wants to go home You can just pay for one bottle of Grey Goose Which was like 550 bucks and uh then we'll let you leave so so i did that i walked outside and i was like we just got away with the boys i ordered more than two bottles of great goose i ordered four spilled two on the floor shit not guilty y'all got to fill me they hear it in tackle room i'm tased uh another a funny

postscript to this whole story which is great is me waking up at 7 a.m thinking i'm about to vomit i look at my phone and i have two text messages from you one hey i think we're getting arrested at 6 a.m and then one half an hour later at 6 30 wait never mind we're good and i just laugh and go pee i wanted to i wanted to like be sure that someone knew where i was going like if i just dropped off the grid yeah zaytoon style yeah shit and they just detained you and you you don't get a call in iceland you're here forever i think excuse me i'll pay this 700 it's like that vince fawn movie about him going to jail in Thailand or something Oh yeah, where they just kill the guy

Yeah Drown me in the thermal pool They put you on a glacier, cut it off And just float you out towards Greenland What is this? What is this archaic justice system? Your food is so expensive This is martial law

Alright, good story toda toda by the way means thank you in hebrew just so you guys can you know learn a word a day while you're listening to this podcast right toda has also turned into our catchphrase it also is how it's like shalom is hello goodbye peace for us toda is hello goodbye goodbye, peace. For us, Todah is hello, goodbye, peace. Thank you. Where are you? How's it going? All right. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck. It means fuck sometimes. Like, ah, Todah. Todah. Todah. Use it. It's fun. Todah.

Todah, baby. All right. Let's try to get to another question here. Is there time after that insane Iceland story? I think we are nearing the end, but it was fun. Let's try to get to this one, this one is from kramer nice cosmo kramer hey so i recently went to prom with this really really great girl who i'm kind of into it was an amazing night she even gave me a really romantic lap dance on the ride back i know that seems weird but yeah it was romantic she even turned

back so her lips were brushing against my cheek like she wanted to she wanted me to kiss her sadly i didn't because kissing her would change everything we've been best friends since sixth grade and she doesn't know i like her i would tell her but my friend asked her how she felt and she says she just sees us as friends should i have kissed her and confessed my feelings or not We get a lot of friend zone emails, but this one is very vivid. It's so stupid because, look, kissing her is going to change everything. Anyway, she's grinding her ass crack into my crotch in a limo. I think everything's changed. The game has changed, Cosmo.

I'm sorry. Giddy up. If you like her, kiss her. You had, you certainly had the opportunity. I think if she sees you as friends, she wouldn't have rode your dick. At that point, if you kissed her and she pulled away, she's like, whoa, we're just friends.

Hey, you misread that signal, if you kissed her and she pulled away, it's like, whoa, we're just friends. Hey, you misread that signal, okay? I was jokingly grinding my genitals against yours. Whoever describes a lap dance as romantic. Lap dances are either like hot or sexy or sometimes bad maybe. Or joking. Yeah, you don't have a – it was really intimate it was romantic i felt like a really nice conversation you had but that that personified as grinding genitals against each other it was wholesome i know what you're thinking but it was really actually it was tastefully done

like a really nice art film she like tilted her head back and like sort of brushed her lips against my cheek as she tiryrated on me. Can you imagine having a crush on a girl for, whatever, 12 years, and she gives you a lap dance in public? That's like torture, isn't it? I don't know. It sounds like heaven to me. But you can't really do anything at that point, can you? If it's in front of all your friends, you're not going to make a move.

Was it in front of the friends? It was in the limo in front of people? That's a good question. If it was in front of people, I can see not wanting to make a move. But if she dragged you into the limo, gave you a lap dance in in the limo in front of people uh that's a good question if it was in front of people i can see not wanting to make a move but if she dragged you into the limo gave you a lap dance in an empty limo yeah dude you really missed the opportunity for the best first kiss ever like whatever you do next whatever like the next thing is is like oh yeah we're like on a porch at a party and like i was like kind of made out with her i guess like you're on your prom night you're in a fucking tuxedo a girl's sitting on your lap with her neck tilted guess. You're on your prom night. You're in a fucking tuxedo. A girl's sitting on your lap

with her neck tilted back, kissing your cheek, and you didn't do anything? Her lips were brushing against my cheek. Yeah, you know what? Dude, my advice is to... Kill yourself, I think. You're never going to get a better moment than that.

You should have proposed to her right then. I know this is crazy because we've never kissed, but will you marry me? And you know what, pal? I have your full name. You wrote me this email. I'm going to go on Facebook. I'm going to find you on Facebook.

I'm going to go through your friends, your prom photos, and then I'm going to look at the girl you went to prom with. I'm going to know that that's the one, and now I'm going to put every single ounce of effort I've got to going on a date with her and having a first kiss in a limo. That's how depraved I am. I know how old she is. I know how old she is. I'll wait until she's 18.

Okay? How about don't even do it at all? You know what? I can't stop myself because I am looking for my soulmate. I said it up top. I'll say it again. I'm soulmate searching right now and i think this i think this prom date limo dancing stripper vixen i think she's the one yeah i really do how about when you're looking for your soulmates you

look for people you know and see if they're attracted to you not going one soulmate at a time by other people's soulmate standards yeah but i mean if they're if she's good enough for him, it might be good enough for me. Yeah, you're just going to go soulmate by soulmate. I just think this chum blew an opportunity, a golden chance. And I want to make sure that door is firmly sealed, not only shut, but concrete. I think he deserves to be made an example of, okay? I don't want anyone else to miss their first kiss chance with their prom date soulmate. And so you're saying I'm going to steal the girl away from him forever and lock him inside an emotional fortnight.

From now on, if you miss an opportunity, if you miss a golden opportunity, if you have an open basket and you miss, guess what? Jake's going to dunk. Don't. That's what's up. Don't turn your soulmate. Jay Witts, Jay Dollaz, Jay Hood. I'm a modern-day Robin Hood, okay? No, you're not. Yeah, Jay Hood.

You're a modern-day asshole. Jay Hood. You are not a superhero, you ass. He's putting on a quiver and an arrow. You're putting on a cape and a condom, you dick. You are not a hero, sir. A cape made of Trojan boxes. You are not the hero we deserve or want.

Don't turn this into some sort of social commentary box you are not the hero we deserve or want don't turn this into some sort of social commentary you ass no girl looks up with me hey i heard a guy missed his chance to kiss you and i if you don't mind ow why are you hitting me hey what did i do to deserve this take off your cape loser you entered into a contract. A social contract. The most important kind. We had fun. We had fun. You should have kissed her. So what's his plan now?

I mean, it seems like she likes you, so play it cool. How do you replicate that moment? I guess, I mean, prom prom so that's your senior year there's going to be a lot of like pretty um poignant feeling parties this summer yeah summer the summer before college yeah so you're good i think it's going to be at an all-time high right you'll be playing your old mixes you're gonna be outdoors maybe at the beach beach is always nice bon Bonfire, fireworks. Float out the lap dance idea. Oh, I really like that lap dance. Or I owe you one. Oh, God.

Yeah. Falling in her lap. Sorry, I'm not as fucking sexy as you are. My boner's all like, Oh, shit. I need you in the tit. I'm sorry. I need your tit.

I need her freaking tit, man. I need your tits, and I need her tit. I both need and needed her. So that's your chance. Do not miss your chance to blow. That was a fun episode because we spent a good amount of time going over three very cool questions. Yeah, and then one about how we almost got arrested in Iceland.

Well, you almost got arrested. I would have dragged you into it. Yeah, of course, dude how we almost got arrested in Iceland. Well, you almost got arrested. I would have dragged you into it. Yeah, of course, dude. You got the table service to begin with. You owe me $1,000. I really think you do. Yes, thank you so much for listening, everyone. I hope it flew by for you as much as it did for us,

but we want to keep it to half an hour a week so we can always get to more questions in the future. Thank you so much for listening and spreading the word more people are listening to the show now than ever we also did our first

video episode last week so we have our YouTube channel set up you can go to youtube.com slash if I were you show and that email again

if you guys have any questions that you want us to answer for some reason that email address is always if I were you show at gmail.com.

We're also accepting theme song submissions. The first one was from Thelsea, and this last one is from someone named, I believe, Sean O'Brien. Sean. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Thank you. Peace. I'm out.

Later. Stop it. Yeah, I'm going to. All right. Later. No it. Yeah, I'm going to. All right. Later. No. Okay. If I were you, I'd call it a day.

I'd tell your boss it's getting too late. If I were you, I'd storm into your car and drive on home to me.