Segments - 140: Australia

Episode Date: March 12, 2015

In this episode we discuss terrible girlfriends and our tour down under! This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com and Squarespace.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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All right, that's it. That's our show. Please enjoy this episode. And things got real. Bye. And let's start the show, you piece of shit. You're Jake and Amir. I think I got a problem. It's becoming the show, you piece of shit! If I were you, show email in your problems. If I were you, show they probably won't get answered.

If I were you, show Chicken Amir's podcast starts now. I liked that. It was raw. It was real. The energy was true. You'd be a good music executive. What else you got? So we don't think it has the sound.

There's a certain sound we're looking for. Inexplicable, to be sure. You don't have it. I have it, actually. And it goes like this. Isn't it crying? Music is just like you're about to cry, right? That's how that guy sang.

Music is like you're about to cry, and acting is like you're about to fart. I think those are the two things. You sort of like, you're like, if you could solve them. Doesn't it sound like I'm a little bit about to cry? Oh, that's good. Because why else would you write a song

or sing? Right, because... I'm lonely. I'm about to be. I'm on the precipice. I'm losing my shit. I can only express it in a song. Oh, here we go. That should be the chorus of a love song. Just a person crying, wailing.

Well, love songs are sometimes happy. It's either sad or happy. Right. That's when you write a song, you're like, all right, sad song or happy song? Sad. Uh-oh. About to cry. But happy songs are sad, too.

Happiness never lasts. The happy songs are the saddest ones because they're people deluding themselves into thinking that something is good. Okay, so you have depression. Yeah. I think happy songs are sad. I think sad songs are true. People finding joy breaks my heart very often. That song is written by, oh, they said, at Sue Young Tweets and at Norm Thee Storm,

I Ariana know that you're going to use this song. He does like the grande puns. Yeah. And he knew. He called it. The babe called a shot. That would be funny if the babe called a shot and got like a triple. It's like, still pretty good.

I called it. No, you called a home run. I called that I'd hit it. And I called it. No, you called a home run. I called that I'd hit it. And I called it in that direction, and it bounced off the fence just like I intended it. Now I'm going to call an intentional walk. You know, actually, an interesting Babe Ruth fact. He called several shots before he hit one. He grounded out to the pitcher.

His last nine at-bats, single time, calling it for deep left. Yeah. And then the one time he did it. There's also no video of that. It's just a picture. Wow. And he actually only called his shot once, right? I don't know.

I definitely made my part up. So what is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice... How did I... Rewind. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Babe Ruth. Holy shit.

We're coming to Australia for real this time. Don't believe me? I have dates. I have specific dates. We got hard facts right now. You want me to pull them up? I'm fine. Should I have done that already? Sure hard facts right now. You want me to pull them up? I'm fine. Should I have done that already?

Sure. Of course. Of course we should have. Here we go. One time. Ready? Yeah. You want the dates?

As it loaded yet. Yeah. No. Of course not. Are you scrolling? Are you searching? Got it. Got it.

Okay. Here it is. Drum roll. No. Of course. Tuesday, the 9th of June at The Gov in Adelaide. Wednesday, the 10th of June at the Corner Hotel in Melbourne. Melbourne?

Melbourne? Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. Thursday, the 11th of June, Metro Theater. In Sydney. In Sydney. I hope there's just people that aren't understanding what these shows are.

Their credit cards are out, ready to buy tickets. Friday, June 13th at the Hi-Fi in Brisbane. Brisbane. Bryce Bain. Brisbane. Briss Bain. And Sunday. Do you know Bain got a briss?

Really? In Brisbane. At the end of The Dark Knight Returns. Yeah, and then his son Mel was born. Named Sidney. Cut this joke out. Sunday the 14th. Delete. Rewind.

Sunday the 14th of June at the Capitol Theater in Perth. Five cities. If you don't live close to any one of those cities and you're still in Australia, I don't know what to tell you. It's not going to happen. We came to five cities all over the place in a ginormous circle around the entire continent. In a different hemisphere. There's a great chance we will never go back to Australia. Yeah.

So don't be like, oh, maybe I'll go next time. We're flying 11,000 miles, people. Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Perth. Links to tickets that are available on sale right now on our website, ifirewshow.com. That's correct. Those are going to be fun. Yeah. Those are going to be fun. Yeah.

Those are going to be epic. Epic. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. We should say that Streeter is also coming. Yes. He's going to be doing stand-up, and then we're going to be doing a live podcast. I love Streeter.

Yeah. Streeter is my best favorite friend. I'll also be there. Who? I will also be there. And I'll perform with you, and then I'll get to hang out with Streeter. Yeah. I'm already fantasizing about what we'll talk about and do.

What you're going to talk about with Streeter? Yeah, like movies and shows that we've both seen, or maybe even things that we haven't. Like, hey, have you seen The Jinx? And Streeter will say no, and I'll be like, you should check it out. You fantasize about that. I daydream about it. And then what about performing, doing a live podcast with me? It'll be amazing to perform in front of our Australian fans.

The company I have on stage is irrelevant. I'll imagine you're Streeter, and I'll imagine every person in the audience is Streeter in his underwear. Oh. That really puts me at ease. We're going to be hanging out in Melbourne before our tour in sydney after we should say that yeah if you want to chill with us yeah so hit me up so even if you live in the states or if you live in europe or whatever come at least hang with us in sydney oh that's a big ask of course that's a big ask yeah you know that but it'll be, that's a big ask. Yeah, it's big. You know that. But it'll be fun. That's a cross-world flight. If someone does it, forward me the plane ticket.

I'll take you around with me. Before you've earned it. I take that back, by the way. I definitely won't do that. Offer recited. So please do check us out. We're coming to do, it's our live podcast, Five Dates in Australia. We'll probably talk about it a lot more, but this is the official reveal.

All right. Should we get started lot more but this is the official reveal uh all right should we get guy's name streeter nice hey guys i've been going out with my girlfriend for four months now we're freshmen in college and before me she dated this guy in high school on and off for three years. They're friends now, but over winter break, when he was drunk, he told her he still had feelings for her and that she should dump me. She told him no, and that they would either be friends or he had to stop speaking to her. So far, not a problem. But then, since then, she's been calling him kind of often,

usually whenever she's upset. When I was drunk last week, I confessed how much it bothered me. And she said that I was being ridiculous, but she would tone it down. Then today, the first day of his, sorry. Then today, the first day of spring break, he invited her to stay in his apartment for a couple of days so that she could quote, get out of the house a little. And she asked me if, uh, and she asked me if she could go. Should I be concerned?

I don't trust this guy and I want to trust my girlfriend, but the whole thing just seems off. What should I do? Thanks. Streeter. I guess he's in one of his first relationships. This is where we've talked about it before. He's giving,

it's rare to give her too much slack. We usually talk about like a guy being too jealous. It's like, relax. She can talk to other guys. Well, I think there's also, when you're in your first relationship, you don't necessarily know the norms.

You don't know the rules. I think sometimes it's dangerous to trust your instincts because we're instinctually a little jealous. Right. But your instincts in this case are very correct. I think this is an absurd ask. I think this is, it's strange. It's uncouth.

Is it grounds for termination? I personally, if I had a girlfriend and she asked me if she could go stay with her ex-boyfriend. Just to get away. I would say, of course you can. Sure, go. And you can do whatever you want because we are no longer together. Yeah, it's free will you can literally you're a free agent now you can stay there you didn't even have to come back

ask permission she doesn't have to like that you she can do it but what are the consequences that you will that you are offering like okay yeah of course you you can do that and one of the things that i'll do if you do that is that I won't be with you anymore. Yeah, you can't disallow things, but you can just say, quite frankly, if you do that, I don't want to be here on the other end. You can make your rules. Yeah. So if she sleeps over her ex's house. That's a no-no.

That's a, yeah. That's a three striker. Right. Yeah. And also, like, I don't trust this guy. Of course you don't trust, like, I wouldn't trust your girl at this point. She calls him when she's upset. That's not okay.

You don't have to sleep over his house. An ex-boyfriend confidant. Yeah. I just can't talk to you about it. How about you talk to me when you're upset and you sleep over my place if you need to get out of your house. No, I really trust Harvin. Hmm. He does have a sick name.

Should he say that she can do it as long as she puts her ass into it? You could do it, put your ass into it. What do you mean? I could do it. No, she says you could do it, put your back into it. I could do it, put your ass into it. Yeah, that's cool. Anyway, we're breaking up.

All right, sure. LL Cool J felt like he couldn't really do it unless she put her ass into it and i wholeheartedly agree it's a beautiful song sex sex is sort of like a mutual uh it's a you need both people's energy working towards one goal of a simultaneous orgasm i think that's what ll is saying oh it's like yeah i'm not just gonna like pound it like if you're not into it like you gotta be like is saying. Oh. It's like, yeah, I'm not just going to like pound it. Like if you're not into it, like you got to be like grinding up on me. And she's like, well, I'm going to grind up on you, but you got to like go at it.

And he's like, I'm going to do that for us. Oh, I see. It's really romantic. Yeah. Like you can't just lay there. Yeah. And neither can the lady. I guess you could.

Well, yeah, you could, but then it's not a very enjoyable experience. And I think that's what LL is really getting at. Well, yeah, you could, but then it's not a very enjoyable experience. And I think that's what LL is really getting at. Oh, and it's about the duopoly of man. We're really bad music execs. Is this song about the duopoly? I guess. It's mostly about grinding against my dick.

Sure. So, break up. Break up? Not, hey, I don't approve? I think, I don't know. I'm also, I'm a little, this would rub me so the wrong way. If I had to say, I would want my girlfriend to, on her own accord, reject the offer of staying at her ex's house. Yeah, it seems like an empty gesture. Do you mind if I do that?

I'm like, I mind that you even want to. I mind that you think it's a good idea. All right, I won't do it then. Because I said that? Well, I feel like you sort of, I'll have that hanging over me the whole time when I'm at his house. Good, so the one reason that you don't want to sleep over your boyfriend is because I'll be upset. I think you've ruined that. Not because you don't have feelings for him or think it's a good idea.

I just want to get out. I just want to get out. I don't know. I called him when I was upset the other day, and he's like, you want to just get out, get away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is over. It's over. She can't like another guy this much and you at the same time.

Right. Let's keep with the can't like another guy this much and you at the same time. Right. Let's keep with the theme of kind of bad girlfriends. It's rare because mostly guys are bad. This is good. We need another name. Can I suggest Crocodile Dundee? Sure. I was going to suggest John, which is Streeter's middle name.

We're going to run out of names really quickly if we do that. No. Streeter. John. Mr. Seidel. Streety John. Mr. Seidel. Streetie Bird. Okay. So John.

There you go. John Wright. Rock, rock, and I'll Dundee, though. He's Australian. Got it. Right. That'd be nice, too. We'll save it for the next one.

Hey, guys. So my girlfriend came and went recently. I'm 23 now, and my girlfriend and I, dating for a year and a half, had made plans to go out and have dinner right after I finished work, which was at 6.30 p.m. From the morning to the time I got off work, she said she was going to spend the day with her grandmother and sister watching a movie and going shopping for a gift for me, then meet me just as I got off work. This was fine and all, but what came after was the real problem. As soon as I got off work, she calls me to tell me that her grandmother, her sister, and herself are getting a tattoo together. She then tells me to meet up with them,

but I declined because I don't want to spend my time, my birthday time, at a tattoo shop. Plus, hanging out with her grandmother and sister isn't exactly the most fun thing to do. She apologizes and says that she will be at home as soon as possible and that we can just watch a movie at home and spend the remainder of the night together. Even though I was still pissed about her completely abandoning our plans, I agreed to do that.

I go home and hours go by and I still haven't heard from her at all. 11.30 p.m. rolls around and it's been five hours from when she said she would be home soon. Tired from work and tired of waiting, I decide to give up and go to bed. Soon after that, she shows up drunk, which pushed me overboard. If she would have said something, sorry, if she would have said she was going to pull this stunt, I could have spent time with my friends, but instead I was left to spend my birthday alone. Would you guys find this to be a major problem moving forward in the relationship?

Of course there will be several more birthdays to celebrate, but to me it just felt like she didn't care one bit to follow through with our plans. Is this something worth breaking up over, or is it honestly not that big of a deal? Thanks. Love, John. Mmm, Johnny boy.

What do you think? It's interesting it's interesting. Cause like, I like to pride myself on not caring. Like if a girlfriend didn't give me a gift, it wouldn't break my heart. Right. But then like the next step is like,

she wants to take me out for my birthday. And instead she got drunk with her grandmother and got tattoos. Yeah. It's, I, I think the hard thing I'm grappling with is like a tattoo with your grandma's. I think that I would really'm grappling with is like a tattoo with your grandma. I think that I would really support that activity.

Yeah. It's too bad that it happened on his birthday when she was like actively promising him they were going to hang out. And I mean, how cool. Your aunt is going to buy him a gift. How cool can you be where you're like, oh, that doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother me. All right. That doesn't bother me. That's fine.

And now I've spent home alone while you got drunk with your grandmother getting a tattoo on your my birthday yeah and on my dime i think i would break up with that person they seem to be very very uncaring we need a breakup gong we're just like and survey said would it ever would the would we ever not ring the breakup gunk well i think this for me i feel like this is in between not caring and breaking up like you can just say hey that's not a good thing you're i feel like i've given you a very lenient leash and you've taken advantage of it right and now like i hate to like say that you have to spend time with me but it was bad that you didn't on my birthday.

And you let me high and dry and I fell asleep alone on my birthday because you went out with your grandmother. And then let's see if she's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Or if she's like, I don't think that's a big deal. All you can ever do is tell the person how something made you feel. And then see what they do with the information. And then based on her reaction with the information. Yeah. And then like based on her reaction, I guess that's when you decide to break up.

So you say, I felt very abandoned and sad and hurt by what you did. Sure. And she either says, I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. Or she says, you're,

what are you talking about? I went out, I got drunk with my gram gram. Are you really going to be like this? I'll get you a gift later. It's just a birthday. Also, you've only been together for a year and a half. Isn't this then your first birthday?

There's a 50% chance it's the second. I did the probability in my head while you were talking. Amazing. Yeah, because there's a chance that within the first six months of the relationship, the birthday was happening in that half year, give or take a leap year, if it's a year and a half. So let's say the birthday is between January

and the end of June, and they got together in January, and now it's the end of June. So there's a 50% chance that the birthday happened in the first half of the year, and then this would be the second birthday. But we just got the email. So if this happened a couple weeks ago,

that doesn't change anything? Well, according to the email, they've been together for a year and a half. So if it's indeed exactly 18 months, then there's a 50% chance that this is the second birthday. I still don't get it, and I'm not even close to understanding. So when's your birthday?

August 5th. Okay, so if you started dating someone january 1st uh and now it's the end of june you've only celebrated your birthday once right uh if your birthday is uh my birthday is january 18th oh we would have celebrated it twice and what's the difference between my birthday and yours in terms of celebrating it is that mine occurred in the first half of the year and what's the probability of my birthday happening in the first i still don't get it this just becomes a tutoring i really don't get it but here's my so he's didn't this birthday just happen yeah so we can deduce when his birthday is so let's say his birthday let's say this email came today

and it's march 9th today okay there's still a 50 chance that they were together okay oh if it's a year and a oh you're saying since the birthday is happening right now then it's probably then it would be the second time they celebrated the birthday it would be the second time yeah it would have to be the second time that's a good call so you you're correct unless that's not what you meant that is what i meant yeah yeah this has to be the second time but all right well that's halfway what i meant because i was saying well if it's this birthday now and like doesn't it have to mean that there was only one but i i stupidly got you to find a smart thing because something didn't sit right with me right so that's good if it's your birthday now and you've been dating for 18 months then this has to be your second birthday all right

i totally forget the point that i needed to make from that but i think it was just that like i guess like if it's the first first birthday and she's she's setting up a pretty bad precedent right but if it's the second one maybe she's just being like oh they're like less important we i mean a year and a half is a long time. You're like past the honeymoon stage. You know what would be funny? Sorry, were you done? I just thought of a funny thing. The guy's stewing at home, right?

Fucking watching The Daily Show, getting like really annoyed. The girl's not texting her back. Knock on the door. She's smashed. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm so fucking frustrated. And then the girl's like graham sister check this out reveal tattoos happy birthday john and he can't he's stuck feeling like oh my god i was so mad but wow what a gesture i feel like everything is good now would you it'd be pretty i just freaked the

fuck out well if she was at least late doing something really, really nice. That was her gift. Yeah. So the grandma got happy. She got birthday and the sister got John, oddly enough. What?

Yeah. So it's like grandma got birthday. Yeah. Cause she's going to die soon. So soon it's just going to be happy John. And John is anything but happy about what just happened. It's an ironic tat, to be sure. So go for the honesty and say, that didn't sit well with me.

And see how she reacts. If she's like, you're overreacting. Right. I got a drunken tattoo with my grandma. Chill. Why couldn't you do that any day that wasn't my birthday? That is such a weird decision that you made. But at the same time, she doesn't want to let her grandmother down.

Yeah, I don't know what I would do in that situation. She did invite him to the tattoo parlor. Oh, holy shit. We're on team grandma now. No, I think she fucked up. But I guess it's not grounds for immediate termination. Holy shit. We're on team grandma now. No, I think she fucked up. But I guess it's not grounds for immediate termination. It's ground for an immediate discussion.

Yeah, for sure. And then based on the discussion, we can take things accordingly. Follow up, pup, please. Let us know. Need more information. Let us know what the tattoo says. Yeah. Also, check our math on the 50% thing.

I'd love to get someone even smarter than me to figure it out. I think we got to the bottom of it. Good. This is the second birthday together. I went into a coma. Guaranteed. Unless he was born on a leap year. Now, February 20th.

Okay. I don't know. Oh, shit. Another girlfriend question. Great. This know. Oh, shit. Another girlfriend question. Great. This is the shitty girlfriend episode. Well, not necessarily shitty, but not... These first two girlfriends have been shitty. We don't have to be diplomatic all the time.

But this one, I don't know if this one is. Oh, okay. Well, let's find out. Name? Mr. Seidel. Nice. I think that took us all by surprise. So something went down the other day with my GF.

We've been going out for nearly three months, and things have been amazing. She's a perfect match for me, and I've never been happier, although because we don't see each other much out of uni, we haven't had the chance to be real with each other and connect on an emotional level, which is something I'm really looking forward to. Regardless, we get along great when we're together and text all the

time. However, my problem is this. We were studying and joking around the other day, and I said that she reminded me of a combination of Alison Brie and Zooey Deschanel. This was just meant to be a bit of harmless fun and a very prestigious compliment from my point of view, but I think she took it the wrong way. She looked at me in a strange way and wasn't very talkative after. What did I do wrong? Do girls not like to be compared to other girls, especially celebrities? Has this ever happened to you guys?

How could I make it right? Thanks, Mr. Seidel. Yeah, this is a... She's not shitty. No. She's not? I mean, it sounds like there's just something, I don't know, something weird happened. But what if she's upset about it? I think she's upset about that. That's not nice. mean, it sounds like there's just something, I don't know, something weird happened. But what if she's upset about it? I think she's upset about that. That's not nice.

You think that she's upset by the compliment? I think so. I feel like something else might be going on. Oh, but what if she's not? A lot of times, in my experience, when a girl gets upset and I think I know why. You're wrong. Almost all the time. I don't know.

I don't ever. I never get. Our brains literally, like, they work so differently. Right. It's like, do you really not know why I'm mad? I do. Yeah. It's like a cop saying, do you know why I pulled you over?

You don't want to admit, like, some other, like. Yeah. If you're 25% sure. Actually, your taillight's out, but you were speeding, too. Damn it. Fuck. Double the tickets. Why don't you tell me why you're mad

at me police officer is it because i have lots of unpaid tickets you know the dy and i shouldn't be riding the car you look like robert patrick but let's just say this is true and this girl got mad because his her boyfriend compared her to other celebrities i can commiserate with this to some extent i don't know if this is a good thing but i constantly see lookalikes that people will or will not agree with right like oh this that person looks a lot like this or that person's a bizarre of this i do that a lot true or false you do all the time yeah actors regular people whatever so when i see a girl i'm like oh she looks like uh she kind of looks like um i will say like oh you kind of look like john f kennedy and she does kind of look like John F. Kennedy. And she does kind of look like John F. Kennedy.

And sometimes I'm like, oh, this girl looks like Gwyneth Paltrow. And I don't mean she's as attractive as one or the other. Don't take the good thing as a compliment or the ugly thing as an insult. Right. You just – you look – you really do look like that person to me. You resemble. I think telling a girl she looks like JFK would be pretty damn good. I know,

but I'm not, what I'm trying to say is you can be hot and look like someone ugly and you can be ugly and look like someone hot. My brother's friend once said, everybody has a Nick Nolte

and a Gary Busey. There's an ugly version celebrity of me and then there's an attractive celebrity of me. That's really, that's pretty poignant. And it doesn't mean

that I'm ugly as the ugly celebrity or as hot as the attractive celebrity. Right. And that's, i've had this conversation with girls and they get upset they're like you shouldn't you told me i looked like well i mean if you had a conversation with who did you tell look like jfk that's just an example of like but i think people look a lot like people i don't know why is there a time in your life when that somebody got upset with you for yes yes i can't remember a specific time but i'm always like you know you look like

this person and they take it the wrong way yeah they're like oh i don't think she's attractive i'm like i don't fucking care if she's attractive or not i just think if i took my glasses off you guys would resemble each other and if they are attractive then and like the sometimes the other person will get mad about that like oh i don't I don't think I look like Ginger from Gilligan's Island. I guess you should. She was kind of hot. Also, I'm not saying that you're hot. I'm just saying that you look like her.

This sounds like a kind of argument or not even argument, just like a weird little thing that you move right past, though. Like, I don't think this is a birthday or a talking to an ex thing. Right. This is like, you look like Alison Brie meets Zooey Deschanel. Two attractive ladies okay whatever yeah and then you don't want to be like hey what's up just be like all right said the wrong thing and that's fine right but is it fine they're mad why are you mad at me they're not mad you're just like okay that's i don't want to talk about that is that bad i feel like that you can do

that you could just be like we're not going to talk about this. This is sort of also a tangent, but I am tired of people saying, this relationship is perfect. Everything's great. It's been three months and we don't know each other. And here's the first bad thing that happened. It's not good then. It's not great. It's just you started knowing. You're writing to us because something bad happened. It's not perfect. You're at the 12th week mark. You don't know her and it's so quick too three months like we've been together for three amazing weeks and nothing bad has happened so far except for this pretty big blow up yeah like this pitcher's pitching a perfect game but there was a recent home run so it's not a perfect game there's a little stumbling block it's what's a pitcher

pitching a perfect game but he hit seven batters and walked in five runs. It's a no-hitter, at least. At the very least, a no-hitter. We're down four. Yeah. It's not 27 up, 27 down, I assure you. And here's another thing.

Can you apologize for something you don't feel bad about? I think you can, because you are sorry for the way something made somebody feel. Right. You're not – he wouldn't say like, I'm sorry. I realize that I shouldn't be drawing comparisons if you think that's fine. But you would say, I'm sorry that my comparison made you feel bad. That wasn't my intended – Intent.

What is it they say? You never want to like put feeling on someone. But that's not putting a feeling. She's said that she's upset. So you would say, I'm sorry that what I did caused you to feel any way, and that's not what I wanted at all. Even though I don't think that was an insult.

But you wouldn't add that, because that's unsaid. You keep that in your heart, and you know that I never admitted fault. That's good. So you say, in my heart, I'm not admitting fault. But you aren't saying that out loud. No, you say that I never admitted fault. That's good. So you say, in my heart, I'm not admitting fault. But you aren't saying that out loud. No, you say, I made you feel this way and it was wrong. Of course, I meant to say something that made you smile.

Yeah. Knowing that you don't like to be compared to people going forward, I won't do that. You're your own beautiful, amazing person. And then if it helps, you can say the first part to yourself. As a little mantra. I admit no fault. I admit no fault. I'm sorry

with how you felt. I'm not saying that I'm wrong. However... On your inhales, you say no fault. I'm really really sorry about everything. Admit no fault. And I shouldn't have made you feel inadequate.

The girl's just staring at him, wondering why. What did I do to be in this relationship? I think for me, I might not even ever bring it up again. There's such a major chance that she was stressed out about her test that you guys are studying for that she had a long day that like a million things are going on in her head and she doesn't even realize that she brushed off the compliment but just that it didn't resonate

with her so she didn't smile or react like you thought she might so the end is that so wrong chicks dude I swear if one more chick gets mad at me I'm gonna be I think So wrong. Chicks, dude. I swear. If one more chick gets mad at me, I'm going to be, I think, upset. You told Zooey Deschanel she reminded you of Alison Brie. I told Alison Brie she reminded me of Brie cheese.

And she got so upset. I once told a girl she looked like a sandwich with two olives on top. And they got mad at me. Why? I don't know. Her face looked like a bologna sandwich with two olives on top. And they got mad at me. Why? I don't know. Her face looked like a bologna sandwich with two eyes. You had an extra one where you said it looked like JFK after he was assassinated. Oh god. And that was fucked.

Yeah. Especially when she moved her head back and to the left. Alright. Let's take a break. And then we'll be back with more of your requests. This is Vance in the pinch coming at you thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like

yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one,

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Hola. Do you think Australia will be more like canada or england canada or it's like a weird jeopardy do you think australia will be more like canada or england what is england alex survey says french canada ding ding, ding, ding! Wrong. Damn it! We haven't really been to Canada. We've been to Toronto. We've been to Toronto and... Montreal. Montreal, but we didn't even do a show in Montreal,

and we've never done a podcast in Toronto or Montreal. Okay, but you've been there. It's just everything is similar, but a little bit different. Yeah, I guess that's... I sort of feel like Australia will feel more like Britain. Because people will have accents there. Yes. That's cool.

That's exciting. I think it'll be really fun. I've never been to Australia. I never thought I would get the opportunity to go to Australia. True. Nobody in my family has ever been to Australia. Mine either.

I mean, yeah, my brother did a year abroad there. And your dad is Australian. For sure. But to say that he was there would be a truth. So strike my comment from the record. Every city is going to be an insane party to me. Yeah. It really will.

Do we realize we should focus just a little bit on performing and making the shows? I want to black out in Perth and wake up in Adelaide. I'm convinced. Yeah. If you guys are listening, we got these shows. We're also, we'll be looking for Molly, weed, cocaine, Adderall. Absolutely not. Just so I can get fucked up after the show and I'll be drinking and stuff during.

Right. fucked up after the show and i'll be drinking and stuff during right you want to go on a five-day bender yeah in which uh in the middle of which we'll be recording podcasts i think i deserve it because i'm getting paid and i'm getting a free vacation and i'm getting to perform so i should also be allowed to get fucked up how fucking dare you okay i think I'm going to early to bed every night. And the thing with Australia is everything's a little wacky so they're on a 22-hour day system over there. What?

Did you know that? Yeah. That's not true. Uh-huh. Really? No. Bullshit. Liar.

It's true. Liar. 22. Nope. Yep. I don't believe you. You're right, dude. Right now,

in LA, it's Monday, 4.43 p.m. Yeah. in LA, it's Monday 4.43pm. In Australia, it's next Thursday. February 33rd. And the year is 2013. Is that true? It can't be. That's amazing.

Holy shit. We're going to a parallel universe. Don't you get that? You actually do a Virgin, or a quantus airline through a wormhole oh my god to australia and you land upside down yeah you land on the ceiling uh-huh and then you get out and then you put another shrimp on the barbie shrimp on the barbie you can't go i won't no like there's a warrant out for your arrest.

You actually can't travel abroad. And your passport has a giant hole through it. Yeah. It's just a wormhole. All right. Should we get to the one last question? Uno mas. This one is about a dude, not about a potentially shitty girlfriend.

Cool. Can we get one last dude's name? Trevor Button, a pussy. Nice little wane. Thanks. What is that name I used to call Streeter?

Street Meat? Street Meat is what everybody else called him. Striker? I used to call him Striker. Striker. Striker. I've been going through this weird stage in my life, right, Striker, where I just don't trust anyone anymore. I've had a weird string of bad things happening to me lately. Car crashes, getting into fistfights, getting arrested, breaking things, dodgy sales, and a whole lot more. The thing is, none of these things were my fault, but someone else's. And they all happened because I put my trust into someone I thought I could trust.

Now recently, I've been going out to the clubs and drinking and shit. Try shitting in a club toilet. Not fun at all. Anyways, I really like the challenge of picking up women, so I'm always the first to down a few schooners and go on the prowl, getting fucking mortal with a beaut, Sheila, and then head back to Whoop Wool to finish the night. And I used to be really good at it as well, up until my most recent lapse of trust.

You see, most of the time when I'm on my game, the night ends in her bed, or at least a taxi blowjay. But now I'm so nervous, I think that if I accidentally get a crazy chick, then she might actually bite my dick off, which is insane of me, I know. Anyways, this is seriously throwing me off of my game. Not only do

I want my cock still attached to my body, but I just want to trust people some more. I need your advice on how to get over my trust issues, or at the very least, make sure that I don't get picked up by an escaped crazy chick. Please, Jake and Amir, you're my only hope. By the way, I'm really looking forward to your Australian show. I'm going to bring like 10 people. Hey, perfect. I hope it's in Perth.

That's why I couldn't read a lot of this questions. I don't know. Is everybody in Australia this insane? Yeah, yes. It's funny. It's like, if I just read the last sentence, I really have trust issues. You wouldn't assume it's because he's been getting so many blowjobs, but now he doesn't trust the blowjobs because he's been getting into fights and he's afraid that a girl will bite his dick off. This entire email could be tightened up to one line. Yeah. I'm afraid a girl's going to bite my dick off when she blows me. Thoughts?

That's so – I have the exact same fear. Yeah. Really quick, I do – Oh, you do? I mean, like, never to the point where it's like she's – I'm not going to do it. Right. It really crosses my mind, you know? Like, it's a pretty vulnerable situation to be in.

Yeah, she's right there. That's my manhood. Those are my boys. Those are my boys down there. It's real close to her chompers. If she got the urge and she wanted some cock meat, she could take me for a ride. She could one fell swoop.

That shit's off. Clean off, man. Oh, yeah. Bennett. Oh, yeah. She'll swallow it. Swallow your load. How about she. Clean off, man. Oh, yeah. Bennett. Oh, yeah. She'll swallow it. Uh-huh. Swallow your load.

How much she swallows my chode. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She'll do that. Uh-huh. What is that? Who are you? I don't know.

No, yeah. I really think that all girls are going to bite my dick. Clean off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. no, that'll happen. Why would they? I've got trust issues. Mostly I don't trust a girl with my cock in her mouth.

That's a no bueno, no go for me, huh? So I'll pass on the blowjob, but who's to say that when we're not sleeping next to each other, she'll take a butter knife and try to cut my dick off? She really will try to cut my dick off. She really will try to cut my dick off. A true crazy person can get your penis off no matter where you are. All right? You're like making out with a girl in the club. All of a sudden, she's got a couple friends holding your arms up against the wall.

Holy shit. It's a goddamn dude. It's a tape sack. It is a public castration. Do you realize that? Imagine a Velcroed sack of marbles to a wall. They're tugging away. How many pounds of pressure would it take to rip and clean off?

Like some kind of perverted pinata game where the prize is your blood. They're ripping it open like a bag of peanuts. Also, I take issue with him saying None of it's been my fault If you're getting into fights and breaking things You have to take some responsibility here Sounds like you might be a little bit destructive A string of bad luck resulting only

In other people's faults I've been in this weird string of bad luck And people keep punching me in the head Come on buddy I can't quite tell why Based on him saying Other people have been bringing me bad luck luck and people keep punching me in the head come on buddy i can't quite tell why uh yeah like based on him saying other people have been bringing me bad luck and then you openly admit to mistreating women at clubs some of it's deserved this is a hot a hashtag hot person problem

this guy's so good at getting laid he gets a taxi blow jay that's his that's his consolation prize that's him that's him not scoring prize that's him that's him not scoring yeah that's his strikeout the coolest thing that could happen i think you just have to run the run the risk assuming that most girls don't want to bite a penis off because that sounds like a pretty bad thing for somebody like okay, okay, I'm going to – I bet, like, also it's really hard to do that. Yeah, like you'd have to really – you'd almost have to, like – it couldn't be your own jaw strength. You'd have to – I mean, you'd have to, like, really –

Or, like, fall and land and let the gravity just push your lower jaw into your top. I think you're, like – if soon as she's, if somebody starts really trying to bite your dick off, just box their ears. Excuse? You know, it's just like, I'm like, no, stop. And then I'm like, and then box their ears. I think I'll self-defense course

for only this guy. Yeah, I don't know. My real answer is that I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think people try to bite your penis off. Yeah. Just try to be like, have like a little tiny bit of character judgment with the people you're going home with. If they seem like they're even a slight risk for biting your penis off, don't. I bet the vast majority of people you'll feel like won't bite it off.

Yeah. vast majority of people you'll feel like won't bite it off yeah or like what i tell it like to tell myself in term and when things are long shots like how many blow jobs happen without the penis getting bit off one in a million and it's like you think you're you think you're that big of a deal that the one in a million is going to happen to you that's what i think about with like plane crashes yeah exactly uh another thing is like he this fear is completely insane for sure, but it might be kind of good because a fear he could really have is getting STDs. So your fear of your penis falling off is like sort of rooted in the reality of somebody could give you genital herpes or chlamydia. Oh, yeah. And then your penis will hurt a lot and look deformed.

So it's good to have this irrational fear. Right, because it sort of gives you real fear. And yeah, try to know the people that are blowing you a little bit. This has been Jake Hurwitz. It's the end of a 40-minute speech. I should, like, take some kind of safe sex course. Yeah, I won't. Let me be like, take some kind of safe sex course. Yeah. I won't. Let me be clear, I will not. But I should.

I will not take a course, but at the end of the day, I should take a course. This has been Jake Hurwitz. Take my advice. Peace out. Alright, that's our time. Bonus Thursday episode is over. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, we start and end

every episode with a new, original theme song written by our fans. That first one was written by Su Yong Jang, and this last one was written by David Ho, and it's a Karen Oh cover. Everything, send it over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

We'll be back on Monday. Monday. Monday. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. I've got a sticky cup of junk in hand. Oh, Jake and Amir, please help me.

Out there. Please help me At the podcast show That's where I'll be tonight Why don't you join? Let's solve our problems involving Love and laughter.