Segments - 141: Chivalry (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: March 16, 2015

Comedian/Actor/Friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss courtship and comedy. This episode is brought to you by RetailMeNot.com, TrunkClub.com, and MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. In the middle She wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us Come take your picture with us both Where you'll stand, nobody knows Jake and Amir if I were you

what Tommy needs that's what's in clear she wants to be in the middle she wants to be in the middle of us

she wants to be in the middle she wants to be in the middle of us she wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us She wants to be in the middle That's you. That was amazing. You sang the chorus.

That was unbelievable. Who is responsible for that? Thomas Middleditch. No, who made it? That would be amazing if it was Thomas. Thomas spent 12 hours on a pop punk remix of your song, Alex Sexton. Alex Sexton Alex Sexton that was amazing I'm just reading this email works as my sister-in-law

He works with your sister-in-law? Is that why you got the thing? Red Stripe? Your sister works at Red Stripe? No it's blogstripe.com It's like a money transferring system So if you wanted to set up an online store You can just use Stripe and then you can,

they can do the transaction. That's enough. Unless they pay to advertise with us. Unless they pay to advertise with us. Did they pay? Did Stripe pay? Yeah, they did. Oh, okay.

Then finish up. She wants to be in the middle. Yeah. Did you remember singing that song in an old episode? You mean when it was happening? I said, is that me? Yeah. I remember singing it. Yeah. I remember one time after a show, Middle Ditch was like, said is that me yeah uh i remember singing it yeah i

remember one time after a show middle ditch was like everybody's singing that song to me man i was like oh what song he's like are you kidding i was like i was like no he's like you know she wants to be in the middle i was like oh my god it made me laugh so hard because for you it's a small part of your life but if you come on if you come and talk about it on the show i remember because then the second time we did it um it stuck with me for a very long time. And also people would come up and sing it. I remember when Middle Ditch and I, we do a show called Middle Ditch and Schwartz.

What is that based on? It's based on Thomas Middle Ditch and Ben Schwartz. Oh, yeah. And it's all made up, long-form improv. And then afterwards, we'll take pictures with whoever wants to take pictures. Whoever needs it. Whoever needs it the most.

Whoever really needs it the most. Just one person. We look around the room and see who really needs a hug. And any time after the Millions and Schwartz show, I'll say at least one person, you know, like, oh, where do you want to stand? And she's like, I want to be in the middle. And then you're like, that doesn't, I don't know. That rings no bells.

No. The second time we sang that on this podcast, it rang all the bells. Ben Schwartz, thanks for joining us. Hey, thank you for having me. Name? What? What's your name? Holy shit, dude. He doesn't know your name. What is his name?

I don't even know, man. Come on, Marty. What's his name? Oh, hey, come on. That's enough. It's fun when we make fun of him. For whatever reason, it's not good to me. By the way, we have a guitar, we have Jake, and we have you and I. Holy shit. We didn't do a beginning or end theme song.

We'll do an end one. All right. Thank God. Jake is great at guitar, and Amir is great at watching Jake strum those strings. You're a better guitar than I am, and you're a better singer. Me? I'm absolutely not better at guitar. How dare you try to downplay how good you are?

You can play Blackbird. So can you. You can play Blackbird behind your back. Bird. Black. Bird. Yeah. Sing.

Sing. Nice. In. The. Dead. Dead. Oh, no. Of.

Night. Night. Blackbird singing in the dead of, the dead of night. Have you ever tried to sing one song's melody with the other song's lyrics? Can you give me an example, please? Give me something to the tune of She Wants to Be in the Middle. It's hard. Okay.

What's a... Oh. She wants to be in the middle with you. She wants to be. Oh, I got my mind. Yeah. Yeah. That was good.

Why is that the song that you chose? That was insane, by the way. You got it. It's true. I got. What is it? I got my mind set on you. I got my mind set on you.

Couldn't think of any lyrics. Oh, I got another lyric. set on you. Couldn't think of any lyrics. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I couldn't know the lyrics. So I'll just sing any old lyrics. But your six words, child, I'm gonna sing them over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

To do it. That's right. To do it. To do it, to do it, to do it To do it, to do it, to do it Right child Take it Amir This is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet

Hosted by us, I'm Amir I'm Jake, I'm Ben And together we're Antacid A-N-T apostrophe Why did you say antacid? I can't, for the life of me, understand why you did that. I did.

I wonder if I'm allowed to talk about this. I think I am. Yesterday, I did the first ever test show for the Late Late Show with James Corden. Okay. So I was a guest. The guest. There's two guests. And they're...

Oh, when does this come out? Sometime in March. Eh, never mind. I can't tell. Just in case he uses bits that he used in the test show, I don't want to this come out? Sometime in March. Eh, never mind. I can't tell, because just in case he uses bits that he used in the test show, I don't want to call him out. Oh,

gotcha. But I guess I'll tell you guys the story later. There was a moment in it where someone asked me a question as a joke. It was very funny where they go,

like, I want to ask you a question. Is, in 1492, Mesopotamia, did you, and a very specific history question? It really made me laugh.

And then I answered it for two and a half minutes straight on this test show. And committed so hard. My hope is that if you don't know much about history, you would think that everything I said was true. But it wasn't. But I committed so hard and took up way too much time knowing it was a test show.

But it was so fun was it 1492 or Mesopotamia because those two things seem like they're tens of thousands of years apart they probably are

Mesopotamia I think was a piece of it but I remember 1492 being in there also I wonder what happened you just said everything you've ever learned in history

I went crazy 1492 and the war of 1812 of course and the gilded area Jakey what are your likes and dislikes like what's your biggest like what are your likes and dislikes? What's your biggest dislike?

When you meet someone, if they do this, like one of my friends hates when you snap gum. What's yours? When I meet somebody? Not meet somebody. What's a thing that'll be an immediate turn off, guy or girl for you? Personality trait.

I can tell when people don't listen. If they're looking at their phone, that would be a huge turn off. Just for anybody in general people who like aren't thoughtful yeah uh that's pretty much it what about messiness messy well not when i meet are you messy you're not messy are you no i'm very clean but i wouldn't like reject somebody as a friend if they're messy but as a late as a mate oh like he's a guy or girl as a guy or girl like a friend like oh god messy. But as a mate. Oh, but he's a guy or a girl. I say guy or girl, like a friend. Like, oh, God, this is so annoying to me. And I feel like I could handle a messy mate.

That's so funny. You sound like you're from Australia. But my question is as follows. You already asked me one question. Yeah, but I have a follow-up. Is that fine? Is it two-parter? Of course.

Is there somebody in your life, don't name names, obviously, obviously it's probably Mir, but that every time you hang out with them, you're like, why do I hang out with this guy? Like, you'll kind of be like, give him or her another chance.

And then you hang out, you're like, oh, this is so annoying to me. Why do I keep doing that? Like somebody that you shouldn't be hanging out with because you don't like them. Not like a bad person. This is like a loaded question.

This is just how you feel about both of us right now. But they show up at your house with like microphones and you have no it's like they expect too much of you we are at my house or my apartment rather right now and i'm doing my laundry so in approximately 25 minutes you're gonna hear a loud beep and that means my dry my dryer is done and i can i can unload it and the real question is will i go unload it while we're doing this podcast otherwise the clothes will get wrinkly gotta thank you give me another weird i don't have enough that's not a weird song yes it is this this song is just six words long is weird out wait to the tune of i got my mind set on you yes that's it are you kidding me no i didn't

know that oh my god one of my favorites what is how does it go i go this song i'm not doing it are you doing a bit or no i'm not i really start with this song is just I go, this song, I'm not doing it. Are you doing a bit or no? I'm not. I really did not know that. It starts with, this song is just six words long. This song is just six words long. Wait, that's. This song is just six. Maybe is is not considered a word. This song just couldn't think of any lyrics.

I did not know that. I didn't write no lyrics. You knew it. You sang it. So I just sang it. I just knew the tune of the song. I didn't know that you. You knew it. You sang it. So I just sang it. I just knew the tune of the song. I didn't know that you... But Just Eggs were...

Oh, my God. Yeah. I wonder how many people are weird. We talked about this before. The song is six words long. Yeah. Someone sing it to Amir. His email address is...

No. Weirdal at gmail.org. I'm going to read one question and see where that takes us. Can I ask a question before we do that? Sure. Do you guys think? Oh, no. This is what happens.

How does it end? How does it end with wireless internet? What do you mean? Like, isn't there always going to be a faster speed? When are we ever going to hit that faster speed? Terminal velocity? Oh, wow. That's a good name for a movie.

Yeah, it's already a movie. What about The Rock? That's a wrestler. Oh, that's a movie and's already yeah it's already a movie oh what about the rock that's that's a that's a movie and a guy yeah okay all right that's your question all right we need a fake guy's name oh can i ask a quick question before you guys ask it no when you guys do backpacks you go two arms or one two do you yeah yeah it's bad for your back to do that's what i thought in high school would you do two two or one uh i was never that cool so i would probably still do two two it was cool to do two when i was in high school, would you do two or one? I was never that cool, so I would probably still do two.

It was cool to do two when I was in high school. Oh, not for me. It was one, but it hurt my back. You ever use the buckle in between? You had like an REI weekend pack with like the metal exoskeleton. Yeah, I was like, my yearbook

photo is the poster for Wild. I got my money. Yeah, do you want it to be similar to a real person's name, or do you want it to be really crazy? I think I want it to be really crazy. Really crazy. All right, I'm going to start with a real person's name. Carl Salabatch.

S-A-L-A-B-A-T-C-H. And Carl is spelt T-C-K. Why? A-R-L-A-B-A-T-C-H. And Carl is spelt T-C-K-A-R-L-E-E. T-C-K. It's Carly Salabetch. No, from his country, it's Carl Salabetch. Right. Hey, guys. So I recently met a girl on Tinder.

Can I ask you a quick question? Sure. Wow. We almost got there. When you play your acoustic guitar, Jakey, do you do steel strings or nylon? Steel strings. Now, why do I prefer nylon? Because it doesn't hurt my fingers?

It doesn't hurt your fingers as much, yeah. So I'm just a pussy. No, well, I mean, like, you got, you know, there's also, that has a wider neck. Thank you, buddy. Thanks. And then my other question is, what's your go-to song? You know, like how when I pick up the guitar, there's a song that I always play first? Yeah.

What's the one that you pick up and play first? I don't think I ever play a song first, but I always... Oh, God, you're so pretentious. I just... Well, I always play the same two chords first. CD? CG?

GC. GC. Well, I said the right ones. No, you didn't. You said... CG I said. You said CD. And let's hit a commercial.

Sure. This episode is brought to you by... No, all right. Stamps.org. Carl Salabatch writes, so I recently met this girl on Tinder and I've messaged her quite a while. We seem like a perfect match. I can't find any cons.

I want to take her out on a date. ASAP. Not meeting this girl yet is killing me. However, she's on spring break right now and visiting home, which is still local and near where I live. But I am 21 years old and I feel like I'm past the phase of my life where I have to pick girls up from their parents' place, meet

the dad, and promise to have the lady back home by 10. I would much rather pick her up from her apartment. Is it wrong for me not to want to go to her parents' house? Am I allowed to ask to pick her up at her apartment instead? Or should I say nothing and just wait until spring break is over and she goes back to school?

I appreciate all the advice. Thanks, guys. All right. Well, first of all, you don't even know if she wants to go out with you, right? Yeah, but what if she does? Well, things are going well. I would say ask. Ask what?

Ask. I would say go. By the way, you don't have to go inside and say hello to the parents and everything. You could just honk? Well, I mean, you don't have to honk. I think this is 2015. This is so neurotic. You text

This dude's like Inventing problems Six steps away From where he is right now By the way I'm sure all three Maybe not Jakey But I'm sure Meera and I

Have gone through that In our heads many times Like figuring out Or just like thinking Like oh god you know I probably shouldn't even do it Because in two years We're gonna break up

That is what happens It's like a disease You just get further and further Yeah spiraling I do that all the time And I That's why I In two years, we're going to break up. That is what happens. It's like a disease. You just get further and further. Yeah, spiraling. I do that all the time. And that's why I just – Ask the girl out. What I've learned is if you mesh, ask the girl out.

And by the way, maybe she's on spring break, by the way. Maybe now is not the time to go out with her. Maybe you wait for her to get back. But still be like, I can't wait to take you out. I want to take you out. One step at a time. I want to take you out. One step at a time. I want to take you out. Then she says, yes, there's a good chance she doesn't want you to meet her

dad either. I know. That'd be so weird. I agree. Do you want to go out? Yeah. Let's meet somewhere. But first of all, good for you for asking the question. Let's stop just shitting on this guy. He did not ask the question yet. Oh. What do you mean? That's not the question? No. Oh, good for you to submit to jakeandamir.org.

Good for you for writing the email to us. There you go, right? And that your instinct is correct that you should ask her out. You are overthinking a little bit. I can't imagine a world where, although 21 is so young, I can't imagine a world where she's like,

well, come inside and meet my folks. That would be such a big jump. For me, at least, I'd be like, oh, that's like date number. Well, here's a question. What if you're like, all right, let's go on a date. She's like, great, can you come pick me up? I'm you're like, all right, let's go on a date. She's like, great.

Can you come pick me up? I'm staying at my parents' place on 155 Sunset Boulevard. Right. I don't know why you told everybody your real address, but keep going. You just roll up and honk the horn. Is that what you would do?

Yeah. No, I don't think you, no, stop. I don't think you have to go in. You could text that you're outside. I would say like, I would text like, on my way, I'll be there in 10.

And then you get there and either she's, and I would sit in the car for one second. You want to ride here outside? You want to ride here outside? I don't think I would. You would knock on the door. Yeah. First of all, that exact address on Sunset is too much traffic. You're not going to find parking.

You know that for a fact. Well, definitely not between 4 and 5, 4 and 7 p.m. You can't make a left. You're not allowed to park at a metered spot at that point. That's what I'm saying. So am I antiquated? Am I – no, I guess it's the opposite. Am I doing something wrong?

If I pick up a girl, I usually just text when I'm outside unless I'm thinking I'm going to come inside beforehand. You never ring the doorbell? I mean I – Do you get out – so if you're right here, do you at least get out of the car to hug her? I feel like that rush – yes. But I feel like that rush is the person. Like ding, ding, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding. You know what I mean?

I think as long as you get out of the car. I'd rather someone text me than fucking – we're a lot of girls. I'm sorry. Text me than ring my doorbell 100% for me at least because then I can respond, hey, be there in a minute. As opposed to there, what happens if she's not ready, which many times everybody's busy. Maybe they aren't ready. And then's like has to like put on jeans and quickly be like oh i'm so sorry i need like 10 more minutes as opposed to i'm so sorry to make you step out of your routine i've rarely even picked someone up that's that seems like an old

school thing to me like it matters how far away i feel i usually meet someone there uh it matters where they live if they live close by to you and then you both offer you pick them up and then you drive i think maybe not the first one if that makes you feel a little bit if you don't know It matters where they live. If they live close by to you, I think you should offer. You pick them up and then you drive. I think maybe not the first one if that makes you feel a little bit, if you don't know the girl at all. Right. I feel like, yeah, why not, right? No?

I don't know. Maybe it's an LA thing. If it's like you have to drive an hour and then a half an hour and then an hour back, it might be a bit much and she would be like, what are you doing? I was scolded for that, remember? What? Yeah. I went on a date with a girl and then i said for the second date we

should go to this play and i was like all right i'll meet you there and then she's like uh okay i was like all right and then she's like actually is this a date or just a friendship meetup i was like uh i guess a date i don't know what was the first one whatever that one was she's like i only asked because of the lack of the offer to pick me up. Like usually people like decide to pick me up. Like when you say meet me there, it just seemed like very cold. I am. I might shut up.

I'm going to shut up. Jake, use your sound. Sure. So Ben is dating somebody. No, no, no, no, no. I think that, I don't know. Everybody overthinks everything. So you think the lady was overreacting to me?

Yeah, definitely. But like here, this is the point I was trying to make. I'm trying to think of a sophisticated way to say it because I understand both points of view. But there's this old idea of being a man. So you open all the doors. You open the front door. Courting, the traditional romantic.

Courting, correct. By the way, yes. But it's true that almost the phrase courting makes more sense to me. Where it's like, by the way, I will always open the door first

and stuff like that. But like, let's say I'm dropping her off. Sometimes I won't have the mindset to park my car, get out of my side, go to her side, open up her door.

You know what I mean? Do you do that? Well, that's like old school chivalry. I don't think I do like a lot of old school chivalry. I feel like what I would do is – Wait, this is what I was going to say. I think you'll be surprised at how often you have done it because it's maybe your instinct to do so with any girl that you've dated.

Do you stand up when your date leaves the table? By the way, when I say hello to people for the first time, I make sure my ass is not in the seat Yeah, definitely I feel like Mad Men taught us a lot of manners I've never seen Mad Men That's when I started changing it Wait, I heard Mad Men was like

He cheats on a woman and beats somebody Yeah, but he's so chivalrous He's so chivalrous But he's got great manners with who he's cheating on Yeah, he'll put his sweater down on a puddle so that his mistress... And then fuck someone who's not his wife on it. Yeah. Ah!

Raceway Park! I feel like what you do is... Ben tickled me. I think this is what you do. You just are really, really nice. I would open the door for a guy or a girl. And I would open... And I wouldn't necessarily jump out of my seat, run around, and open a car door for a lady.

But I would open my door, get out, and hug her in front of the car. So that's why I'm saying, like, when you text here, at the very least, you're waiting on the hood of your car like James Dean when she comes outside. See, that's not a bad idea. Smoking a cigarette, flipping a coin, and having a leather jacket over your shoulder. I think it's almost not as taught to us as it was to the generations before us. It's not as prevalent, so it is something we have to search out almost to find. Yeah, there's manners schools, basically, that teach you like, oh. But would you ever in a million years go to something called manners school?

No. These are three genuinely nice human beings in the room. This is like you just be a little more conscientious. Can we edit this together so I nailed conscientious the first try much? So you have to be a little considerate but not like treating anybody like they're helpless. Ooh, great

point. I, by the way, will always go out of my way to make sure that I'm trying to be nice. And one of my favorite things in this city, maybe I said this on the podcast before, I think I've done this podcast four, three times, four times? Yeah, three or four no once with once here alone with a mirror right once you're alone alone just we never aired that episode oh god it was so good it was just me singing weird al songs um you didn't record it there's this thing i forgot to press the record

button and i didn't have any mics and i was naked this is the thing that i thought was so funny when i came here at the beginning. People would be like, because I was an intern a bunch of times at a page or whatever and then started, you know, as we all start to do more and more work. They're like, I'm always so kind to waiters. You know, I sold sneakers for a while, so kind to waiters and anybody, right? Anybody because that's what human beings do. But people around here would be like, for like the mailroom person at some agency or some company, they'd be like, you should be nice to him or her

because that person may one day become president of Warner Brothers. And I'm like, no, you should just be nice to them because you're a human being. I always hated when people said that. You go, you should be nice to that person because I was like, you're thinking about it so wrong. Because you might get cash.

Literally. He might pay you money in 30 years. One day he'll owe you a favor then. I hated that way. And people still say it all the time. You never know. That person, don't shit on that person because that person blah, blah, blah. So why are you nice?

We were talking earlier today. Somebody asked us a question about you. And we said that you're nicer to our crew than we are. Oh. You should be less nice because you're nicer to our crew than we are. Oh. You should be less nice, because you're just like a guest star. This is where we disagree when we film. Yeah, when we shoot Jake and Amir videos, you will introduce yourself. Oh, that's true.

Anytime we shoot a Jake and Amir, I say hello to every single person. Yeah. And then Amir goes, oh, I guess we're going to have to do it, literally out loud, and tries to make a joke of it, and then feels bad for a second. Jake hates it. What are you talking about? Hates it. Jake's in his trailer for this

entire time. I think it's because first of all, I feel so lucky to be doing what I'm doing. You have done so many of those shorts that maybe feels, although it's kind of I've done many other things, but you've done maybe 700 you said? Maybe you've done so much that those shorts that maybe it feels, although it's kind of, I've done many other things, but you've done maybe 700, you said? Maybe you've done so much that it just feels like

it's such a rhythm and routine, you don't do it as much. But for me, it's like, I've spent so much time with crews, you know, for different things, and I see how much harder they work than all of us. So I'm always so appreciative. And my assumption is if they're doing it for a web series the money is probably pretty low and you know to make their experience a little bit better

by not being assholes well that's what you that's what you tell them they're like how much do you get you're like how much do you get paid is it better that I'm being

nice to you right now I feel so bad you'll put your hand on a sound guy's shoulder and be like I'm so sorry like is this is this worth it now

do you log into your bank account I want to see how much money you have Jake is trying to get a new credit card. I also think they're like us in the fact that three of us are still doing comedy because we're huge nerds about it. Huge nerds about it.

Those guys, if you're doing web series just like we did, you're probably so in love with it. They probably love doing sound or running boom or, you know, or like when you a cool dp for the first time off of a web like them doing like a short film somewhere you're like oh my god i just saw this guy do something awesome and i'll even say sometimes i'll recommend that person to other people sometimes or that's good yeah because some people would be like oh we're looking for a dp but i was like i did this short film with this person he crushed it i do have you're very thoughtful we sent you a cut of the video that we just did where you play all 15 of your characters. Oh, yeah. And we've definitely sent lots of people, and we've received lots of cuts,

and the first thing you wrote back was to thank the editor. Yeah, like send this to the editor. By the way, that short film was... But first of all, it's usually Amir who edits every single one. It's out of this one for me that I've ever done, right? Mostly Amir and Jake, yeah. Amir and Jake, sorry. It's mostly Amir. It's probably usually Amir who edits every single one. It's out of this one for me that I've ever done. Right. Mostly me or Jake. Yeah. Amir and Jake.

Sorry. Um, but it's mostly Amir. It's probably mostly Amir, right? Okay. Amir is very nice. But,

um, that one, if you guys saw what we did for the finale, we did this two part thing and I played 14 characters. Probably more. 14. Cause you're yourself too. It was like,

right. I think it was like 50 i think there were 14 or 15 bands but you also did like 50 or 60 costumes that was the we did not plan but also we talked with the dp and everybody beforehand they're like i was like this might be the right way to shoot it we all decided the right way to shoot it so we can improvise and stuff like that but um um they came so prepared and they were so awesome everybody that worked on it but the editors had to take 15 versions of me and put them into one it was something that i didn't even think they came so prepared and they were so awesome. Everybody that worked on it. But the editors had to take

15 versions of me and put them into one. It was something that I didn't even think was possible. It was Phil Fox. Who? Phil Fox.

Yeah. Yes. And like, you saw this, a normal editing thing has like what? There are eight tracks or something?

A normal what? A normal editing timeline. Oh yeah. So as you can tell, Amir does all the editing. The timeline would have like, think between i mean our usual videos have four like four layers four layers two video two audio right and then you know more complicated one might have like five to eight sure this one had like 30 right because it had to have like all of all of ben's layers on top of each other because that's

video and sound for each one of the characters and there were six of them in one shot and then we were like we were making tiny little tweaks to this thing we're like oh ben like can we have ben come in here cut to this reaction here right and it wasn't like you could just add in a little he had to move every single layer like one little thing yeah one domino knocked over the entire set and then he would reconstruct it it's crazy how good that editor was it was something that i've never seen before like in movies i'll it happens but for this where it's like one person yeah it's insane it was amazing well phil fox yeah it helped that you guys never like touched each other that's when it gets hard well that's all due to the dp and the camera guys right uh because they the three of those people um set up the whole thing had the whole vision

of it beforehand you regretted that day so much when we were doing it well i remember i pitched the idea remember i pitched the idea i was like like we gotta when jake and i told me they're wrapping it up they're like would you do two more i was like 100 i was like wouldn't it be funny if all those people were actually their own people and it wasn't faking it and they were all in the same room at the same time? And we're like, yeah, let's do it. And you're like, yeah. And then you showed up to set that day.

We wrote it, yeah. And then we showed up to set that day. And by the way, it was fine. It's just that I didn't think through that I'd have to do a big costume, pants, shirt, everything, costume change for every character. And then it was different sizes in different places. So I had to do it three different times. I mean, that was one of the worst costume change days ever for me.

That was so annoying. I remember finishing lunch and I go upstairs and you're like, in the Milkman costume from the waist up, in the Usher costume from the waist down, asleep on a couch. Asleep, yeah. I was so tired. You can tell when you're the mountain hiker that was one of your last costume changes it's like exhausted it was tough that was uh and also

the funniest part is the whole time jake is deathly ill deathly ill no you were not and he was on the couch quick to just like diagnose people people who were sick you were you had bronchitis i said hey man and you were like, oh, you're sick. Get away from me. Did you not? I was really sick. You were sick for the next month or something. Yeah, no, I had been sick that entire month.

I was on like the last four days of this. No, but then you kept even getting sicker. I think I was sick for another week or so. Yeah, but then Jake was lying down on a couch doing his lines off camera. So Jake and Amir never were on camera when they were filming me Except for when I was playing myself

So for the first seven hours of the day They were both lying on couches And Jake would miss his line So I would be talking to Jake As like a hundred characters at the same time Oh, you're Amir's dating coach But I just couldn't get that one out Jake couldn't say the one line

I'm like, Jake And he'd laugh hilariously And then cough at all of us. 525,600 minutes. We're done. That'd be so funny. When we do in between part one and part two, I'll go change. I'll deck the wash up.

Smart. Actually, let's take a break right now and we'll thank some more sponsors and then we'll be right back with Ben Schwartz. I want to keep talking. Yeah, I know. Well, I have to pee, so let's do that. Okay. You just peed.

I drink a lot of water. Can I say this online? Jake has a strong piss flow. Really? Oh, it sounded so strong. That means a lot to me. I was down the hall and it was like, it like made me rumble. It echoed so much.

It made me rumble. Well, I filled up your bathtub and I peed in it. So was deep water that it was hitting i thought you said you filled it up with your people that's what i thought too that's all right it's all right that i'm here just helped you out yeah uh okay so we'll talk to you guys after this commercial from monster.com thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest

way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy.

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That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do.

And we're back. And we're back. What was the personal shit you were telling us over the break? Start from the top. Sure. So I feel like everything in my life is going all right. But can I talk about some things? Yeah, yeah. I got a question for top. Sure. So I feel like everything in my life is going all right. But can I talk about some things? Yeah, yeah.

I got a question for Jake. Sure. Oh, Jake didn't shut off his phone. Amir, Jake didn't shut off his phone. He's getting a phone call. No, he's not. You're going to be pretty happy when I tell you who it is. Who is it?

It's a 212 number. Pick it up. Holy shit. Should I get it? This might be TBS. Pick it up. No, no, no, no, no, no. Pick it up.

It's not. I'll pick it up. Get shit. Should I get it? This might be TBS. Pick it up. No, no, no, no, no, no. Pick it up. It's not. I'll pick it up. Get it. Oh, Jesus. Oh, no, you ended the call. No, I didn't. Missed call means I didn't get it in time. Do you have the balls to play that voicemail live on the air no matter what it is?

Yeah, because we can always edit it out. For sure. All right, wait two seconds. Although you've been getting calls all day from Rhode Island numbers on no numbers I don't know debt collectors oh shit it could be a debt collector

is that your truck? oh I do have a voicemail here we go play it on there put it on speakerphone alright here we go I think this is illegal hey Jake it's Angie I have Josh and Brian for you. Two and two. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who's that? Who are those people? It's our agent. Why don't you call back just in case something good. It's not something good. If it was good news, we'd have the whole team on the phone. Yeah. That's true.

Oh my God, that's true. The funniest thing is I'll get real close to getting a role, real close to getting a major role in something. I don't know why I said major. Probably not. Good role.

I was going to be in the all-female Ghostbusters. Oh God, all I want to do is be in that movie. And then be really close and I'll be getting calls about it and emails about it. And then you know you got the role when you get a phone call from someone's assistant

that's like, hey, we have this, this, this, this, this, this person on the phone for you. And I go, yes. It's like getting the thick envelope from college. That's exactly right. But then you know you didn't get it when you get an email that says, sorry, buddy. You know you didn't get it when they email you and say, no, you didn't get it. Literally, no phone call.

You can go through this whole process and all you get is like, oh, they went a different way. Yeah. Like, oh, what a bum bummer you don't even call me and the sad part is like when you have to call them then it's like I might as well not call like they don't have good news

but I haven't heard anything I also oh sorry you got it I was gonna email you you have the role that's never happened

I also hate when people email me call me when you get a chance I was like what then just call me now you just a chance. I was like, what? Then just call me now. You just spent time. I don't understand what power, what's going on.

I hate when people do that. Hey, call me when you get a second. Yeah. I was like, you could have just stepped. What about a text that says that? I've gotten texts that say call me. It's so weird. It matters if I'm texting with them already.

You might as well just call someone and then they know. Okay, Ben is leaving. This is insane. Holy shit. You said Ben's leaving and then he said, no, I'm just getting something over there. That's the definition of leaving. It was going somewhere else.

To get something over there. All right, can I ask Ben a question? Sure. It's contagious Oh we're going to Australia Let's mention that while Ben's away He's carving a watermelon Oh my god that's incredible

He's making a jack-o-lantern Happy Halloween June 9th through the 15th We're going to be in Australia Go to ifirewshow.com for tickets and details Are you serious? Yeah we're doing live podcasts in Australia What? Where? Sydney, Melbourne, doing live podcasts in Australia. What?

Where? Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth. Brisbane. Brisbane. I say Brisbane. Melbourne, Brisbane, Brisbane, yeah. Yeah. That's amazing.

Brisbane is where Josh Lawson is from. They're from House of Lies. Oh, shit. Have you ever been to Australia? No, I can't wait to go. All I want to do is go. You should come with us in June. Are you guys, but would i lose money on

all those flights no we will pay you i can't imagine you'd pay me i'll pay we'll pay for your flight i will when are you guys going june 8th or 9th man i do want to go to oshawa wasn't that a different trip i almost i was in london working like a week before Yeah God your rhythm is terrible Yeah I know How are you a guitarist? I'm not I'm gonna sing for real I want you to commit to this

Okay Do not try to mess up Uh huh Okay Do you want me to keep rhythm? Yes that's all I want you to do. Okay. Okay, put your mic down so people can hear it.

Tilt it down towards your lap. Okay, so now you won't be able to hear Jake's thing. No, no, no, no. I'm just getting practice. Already, I'm getting practice. This is like the worst version of Whiplash. Were you rushing or dragging? Both, I think.

Not quite my tempo. I know that, sir. What song should we do? How about this? This will be... There are chicks Just right for the picking Oh, wow.

You really can't do it. Do it. Commit for real. Do it. Commit. I'm trying. Do it for real. Not like a dum-dum.

All right. All right, ready? Do a little faster song. I feel like that was A little slow Okay What's a fast Give me a name

That's a professional When the saints Go marching in Great Okay Oh when the saints Go marching in Oh when the saints

Go marching in I wanna be Be in that number You're a little bit off You're very close When the saints go marching I'm ready Do you have rhythm?

I think so But I've never done the test before Let's do the test Alright I do it after one Got it Ready? What song do we do for him?

Something Weezer No, that's not fair Why? The world has turned And left me here Something Weezer. No, that's not fair. Why? The world has turned and left me here. I'll do my voice before you appear. That's right. And in my... He did it right.

In every space. That sounds wrong to me. That means I have no rhythm. Do you believe what I'm saying now? Do you believe what I'm saying now? How do you get rhythm? Someone asked me that before. Can I learn it?

Can I learn it? But you can copy someone, so just snap on beat. No, but I want to be able to feel it in my body. Snap on beat. Okay. Do it with a mirror. Great, now a mirror. Great. Now a mirror stop.

A little fast. A little fast, but that's good. Give me a meatball. Give me a beefball. Give me a beefball and eat bok choy. I want to get lost in your something soy And drift away Eat all day

Give me a deed in Dover, Seoul Yeah, I don't drum, but isn't it about hitting You do this every two and then this every four What is this podcast? This is the weirdest This is such a Nobody's gonna care about any of this We're not even talking about

I feel like at the very least we should be interviewing ben we're not answering questions we're not talking about we're talking we're not even making jokes we're not even being funny we're just talking about rhythm and how you get it this is the weirdest well how about this is a question that might help for the podcast i've been asked this question more than once for interviews and let's see how you guys answer it um this is the question they present. Are you born funny? Is funny something that you can learn how to do?

Oh, it's sort of like at least we're taking the rhythm question and applying it to our craft. Yeah. But that's a real question I was asked in interviews, and the first time I was asked, I was like, wow, that's a great question. Isn't it both? The answer, I don't know if there's an exact answer. What do you think? I think the answer is our daily double it's probably both just like everything is inherent you can be smart but then also like

you have to gain knowledge but can you be funny can you learn to be if you find someone who's not funny can you learn to be funny i think you can definitely be successful and not really be funny but understand the craft. Yeah. I think there are people that aren't necessarily that funny that can write a really funny scene in a movie. Understand what jokes will work. That's interesting, finding the rhythm and the cadence of how it works, the structure of whatever. I know plenty of people like that who I don't necessarily find funny, but I know that they are good writers. How are you going to make this into two parts?

I mean, we're already at the 45 minute mark uh also the uh what was i gonna say you can there's different comedies like how funny you are is subjective so somebody can be funny to some person and unfunny to another person so it's how do you even say like are you like can you be can you be friendly or are you born friendly i don don't know. Some people think I'm friendly and some people don't. That's interesting. That's interesting. I think that you can learn to be friendly, right? Yeah.

You can learn manners. You can learn to be friendly. And then the same way with funny. If you watch a lot of funny things. I wonder, though. It's just like I knew growing up I would never be a professional basketball player. Like, no matter how hard I trained, I can't. Unless maybe I dedicate my life to it. I would never be professional. But you could be a very good basketball player right like i no matter how no matter how hard i trained i can't unless maybe i dedicate my life i would never be professional but you could be a very

good basketball player right i could be an okay like break into the basketball industry if you need it to but i couldn't like i don't even i could never have gone to a division one college you know i mean maybe if i really all day every day all i do is play basketball maybe i could have been the last kind of d3 team if all I did was dedicate myself to training and basketball that's you getting better that's like you getting funnier I would have to get so much better

that's why it's both because you need the innate talent and then also the drive and for basketball you probably need like a pretty big physical advantage too

yeah that's true although there's some tiny guys I remember how Muggsy Bogues was like a hero to everybody in my school because he was so Spud Webb was like

oh my god there is my memory's been terrible lately was just like a hero to everybody in my school because he was so Spud Webb. I was like, oh my God. There is, my memory has been terrible lately. What were you talking about? Learning how to be funny, learning how to be a basketball player, subjectivity of comedy. Are you funny?

Oh, I think the three of us work very, very hard, right? I don't work that hard. Yeah, you do. In the end, the amount of time you put into comedy. Yeah, the amount of time Amir makes me put into comedy. I'm a taskmaster. But do you think you've gotten better? Well, the other thing is that it's easy for us to practice comedy all the time.

Even if we're not working, we're still around people that we want to make laugh. Right, we're doing bits all the time. So it's harder to practice basketball all the time. That's why we couldn't just play basketball all day every day. That's really interesting, the idea that us hanging out and doing bits. Whenever the three of us hang out, we usually do bits and are stupid right uh you know we can be real and talk about real things and help each other out as well but when we're when we're i would say par for the course or what we usually are we're out to dinner and talk about real things

and the second something stupid happens all of us jump on it and go nuts we like to make each other laugh correct that brings us joy but don't you don't you feel drained at the end of the day like you would at the end of a basketball game like hanging out and doing like funny like at the end of the shoot day when we were shooting like you're just like empty oh my god i had nothing left yeah and also there's a scene i'd do this short film called um i'm mitzvah which is online and there's a scene where i had to cry in it and so we did the take like six times and i was like really crying really really crying in it and i remember being like so tired afterwards i couldn't i don't remember the next scene after it was but i was like i need to just like chill for a bit like that took all your that was the equivalent of

sprinting like a comedy sprint all my emotion yeah yeah but after ucb shows if i do a two-person show i feel so tired at the end because you're juggling everything if it's a middle ditch and both of us afterwards are like, whoo. You have to be like sharp for like 60 seconds straight or 60 minutes straight.

Yes, 60 minutes straight and you have to initiate every scene. There's nobody that's going to walk in and save you and many times

we play five characters at the same time so it's like, ugh. So what's the warm up for that? Like what's the equivalent of like layup lines for a comedy show like that?

Like do you try to be unfunny the whole day just to save your comedy energy, or do you like to be around people and joke? No, we don't do any of that. We don't even think about it. Do you just meet each other at the theater? You're like, all right, let's go out.

I feel like you need to just be with him for the afternoon to get in tune and get insane. Well, Amir did a Snowpants a long time ago. Yeah, but that was different. That wasn't just me and you. I was along for the ride. When it's just Middle Ditch and I, we'll also know that Middle Ditch and I

have been doing improv for a very, very long time. I think Thomas might have been'll also know that middle dish and i've been doing improv for a very very long time i think thomas might have been doing it longer than i have we've been doing it for a very long time at least 10 years yes at least i'm at 11 or 11 or 12 and he's probably at 13 15 maybe maybe 12 13 and then um we meet and i guess i've never talked about what we do beforehand we meet five minutes before in the green room. Five minutes. We talk. Are you joking or are you just like, hey, how's it going?

Oh, great, cool, already? Yeah, we don't. What are you up to? You're both on your phones like a little bit. Well, sometimes there's someone else in the green room and we'll do bits just with them. But we'll usually just talk. We'll just chill.

But there's no warm up. I remember when I was on a Howard team, it was such a big deal. You're subdued back there a little bit because there's usually a show going on. So you can't be like... You've done ass cat monologues? I did an ass cat monologue once, yeah.

It's very subdued and very chill. Right, so you're not like backstage getting hyped up. Yeah. Music jumping out. And I don't drink any... Some people drink a beer. Some people have something for caffeine. I don't do anything.

Wow. I just fucking... You're natural. Well, I think it's just because this is something that I did. Oh, this is something I did a long time ago, always. Whenever I didn't want to, like a Pavlovian response, need myself to have a beer before doing a show. Right.

I didn't want to feel like, fuck, I'm not going to be funny unless I have a beer. I'm not going to be funny unless I have blah, blah, blah. Right. And also, something I do in life, like let's say you go through a breakup, or let's say you don't get a role and you get really depressed. I never go out drinking afterwards, ever. And a lot of my friends, when something bad happens, they go out and get hammered. They self-medicate a little.

And I'm like, you know what? I can't train myself to do that. That's such a bad way to – What about a drink to celebrate? When I get something good, I'll have a drink to celebrate sometimes, but I'll eat a cheeseburger. That's what I do. Oh, eat a nice little reward. Like a terrible for me

in and out cheeseburger. There are many cheeseburger spots I love. But I'll have a beverage. If it's a birthday, I'll have a beverage. But I'm not a guy, you guys know me,

I don't really get drunk drunk. I'll have a beverage or two, but I won't go crazy. Yeah. But I'll go celebrate, but I try my best. I try my best never to get drunk after something bad happens so

i'll have a beer if people are going out to beers but i won't get drunk ever jake gets drunk every night and a lot of times something bad does happen how do you deal with something bad happens to you if you grow if you broke up the girl or if you if something what do you do well i think i would get i it's not like i would get shit-faced drunk because I was sad. If I went through a breakup or if I was celebrating or if it was just like a Tuesday, I would be like, I'm going to have a couple drinks and I'm going to try to fuck somebody. Tell me how much is a couple drinks. If I'm going out, then I'm going to have like three whiskeys and some shots. Are you serious?

Probably black out and try to fuck somebody. No, that's not true. No, yeah, always. For sure. Definitely. No, you don't have that much every night. that's not true. No, yeah, always. For sure. Definitely. No, you don't have that much every night. That's not true. No, I'm not saying every night.

I'm saying like on a weekend. Oh, when you're going out strong. That's your maximum. That's not a lot. That's your maximum magazine? Yeah, it's my stuff. What's your stuff? You do this stuff.

Nah. I want the NBA inside stuff. It's a whiskey before we leave, a whiskey at the place, and then another one there, and then probably more. I like how you're counting. There's one at home, one at the bar, and then more. So just say a lot. In college, I don't know. I overdo it.

You drink a lot, too, though, on the weekends. Do you? You don't get hammered-hammered. He does get hammered. I don't get hammered. I get drunk, but I don't black out. I've never blacked out. I see you get drunk? You don't get hammered hammered. He does get hammered. I don't get hammered. I get drunk. But I don't black out. I've never blacked out.

I see you get drunk. You don't go crazy. Yeah. I've never blacked out. I've never blacked out. Okay, this college is a little bit different. When I was in college, I drank. We drank.

That's what it was. It was my first time away from home. I was like, we drank, went crazy. I remember there was a great moment when I was very close to all my friends. If anybody goes to Union if anybody went to go to union college or went to union college i lived at the fox basement dorms yeah go sparks connect to me shout out it is one two three oh eight baby uh go dutchman and so we used to love to pre-game it was so fun and so the showers were you know you were there are little walls in between each shower but you can put your stuff on top of the walls, right?

Yeah, yeah. So what we used to do is we used to, everybody had a different type of alcohol. And while we were taking showers, your hand would poke up and you would have like a shot of Black House or you have a shot of whiskey or you have a shot of whatever. So while we were getting ready to go out and pregame, we were already pregaming the shower, yeah. Classic. I mean, college was crazy. Yeah, but also when I was done i was like oh i don't i don't get as much joy from well i think if i was sad i wouldn't be like i need to get

drunk i would be like i need to have some kind of communal experience with my friends is that true you want to be surrounded by people when you're right and i think drinking is like a nice social why don't you call me when you're sad uh i don't know i'm sad all the time you have 38 missed calls from Jake. How do you split this into two? Where do we stop? We'd have to stop right now. All right, stop it.

I was about to tell you guys about what I do when I'm sad. All right, guys, see you next episode. Oh, wait, that's a great teaser for next episode. Get the guitar. We can do an outro theme song. Oh, right. So Ben will be back next week, I think on Monday, for part two of this episode. If you have any questions of your own

that we'll probably get to when Ben's not on the show they have to tune it is ifireyoushow at gmail.com thanks again to Alex Sexton

for writing the theme song to begin this episode and thanks to Jake and Ben for writing the outro song and here it is Jakey here we go you want me to hold

the microphone close to you yeah that's great are you going to sing too? Maybe. You start it off and I'll finish it. All right. Well, if I'm going to start off, I have to find something else. Why?

Because I can't sing to complicated things. That was too fast for me. Maybe that's the theme. I can't sing toating things. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Mr. Schwartz. Let's all go to your room. Can I borrow some shorts?

Thank you, Amir. Amir Bloomfeld. Can I borrow a torch? I've got some stuff I want to weld Thank you to me My name is Jake Hurwitz Don't let me meet your mom Because I'll lick her tits Jake and Amir, everybody!

I'll do the theme for the next one. We'll do the same song. We'll be back. That was amazing. That was great. Hey, y'all. Jordan Harbinger from The Art of Charm here. The Art of Charm is packed with wisdom and the truest sense of the word,

from how to become more productive and professional to how to meet and attract women and manage relationships. We talk about how to create confidence, how to get people to like and trust you, productivity, time management, biohacking, and more. This is a show that offers meaningful, fun, life-changing insights with a practical edge so listeners can apply something right out of the box every show, every day. So come hang with us here on the Art of Charm podcast and start crushing it today.