Segments - 142: Fake Sex (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

Comedian/Actor/Friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss on screen romance. This episode is brought to you by Bombas.com, RetailMeNot, and DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Bombas is offering our listeners 20% off your first order and free shipping. Just go to bombas.com slash if I weren't you. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash if I weren't you. Let's get started. Part two of our episode with the very funny Ben Schwartz. Things got real. She wants to meet in the middle. Let's get started, part two of our episode with the very funny Ben Schwartz, Things Got Real question too if i were you sure she may not come jake and a me will help you with whatever's going wrong she wants to be in the middle she wants to be in the middle of us

solving your problems Stephen Mills. Two She Wants to Be in the Middle songs. That's right. Back-to-back episodes. Very fortuitous. Very, very, thank you to, yeah. Alex Sexton was the last week's, and Stephen Mills was this one. It was a catchy tune, I guess.

Yeah, both of them were great, by the way. Here comes Jake, taking another piss. Here he comes. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him. Denim on top and denim on bottom. A song devised by Brian Husky from the UCB. My socks are denim, my shoes are denim. Here we go,

baby. They don't call him the denim band because, oh God, someone's at the phone or the door. You gonna get it, Jake? We can keep rolling. Alright right let's keep rolling jake's gonna get the door all right let's just get started this is uh if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by ben i'm amir i'm josh not hosted by me you said hosted by ben oh we're gonna leave the microphones here why this is your over it's sort of a baton passing oh i would change the show totally then i think the whole i just the whole format everybody Why didn't you take over? It's sort of a baton passing. Oh, I would change the show totally then.

I'd change the whole format. Everybody would send it. You guys would never be allowed on it again. You would just talk about drumming. Yeah. Can you put a cap on that?

Look how close you are to hitting it over. I'm not that close to it. Are you crazy? You're playing with the devil. You're playing with... Fire? That's it.

Yeah, playing with fire. Ben was on our last episode. It ran a little long, so we're going to make it a two-parter. Two-part harmony. That would be three-part harmony, but it's fine. I wanted to do it.

I want to be in the middle. Okay, I got a couple questions for you guys. Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, no. Wait, let me ask a question that'll set us off on a journey, an impressive journey. We need a guy's name. By the way, we're supposed to write today. Three of us are supposed to write today.

And because we're doing this for two hours and change, there's no way we're going to All right. And the guy's name is? It's a guy. It's a guy. You know him. You love him. You love him.

Michael Booblees. Any relation? To who? To Donovan Booblies. Ready? Quick question if you don't mind. Sure. How big is your TV at home?

I thought you were going to say penis. Nice. Do you guys talk about it? Do you guys talk about penis size and everything? There was the article recently that announced the average male dick size. What is it? It's actually a little less than five and a half really it was like in america i think between five and a half and six or something no i think

five and a half is the like universal or is the world average and in america it's actually a little less than five and a half why do americans have smaller penises in the world hold on let me ask siri go do it see what she says she says go fuck yourself oh wow that's weird that's that first question dude come on stop wasting time. Sure. Hey, guys. So I'll cut to the chase. My girlfriend and I are leaving for college soon. And I love this girl.

And I can't see myself without her. She's an actor, which is awesome. Then we had the discussion about her being in a role where she will have to kiss somebody else. I'm the only guy she's ever done anything with. And this makes me even more against her being in that role. What bothers me more is that kissing her is something that I only see myself doing. It's that small, intimate thing that is special to me. And I feel like a shitty boyfriend every time I think like this, but I don't think it should be something I have to share.

What bothers me more is just that she doesn't seem to care about kissing another guy, and that I'm the bad guy. But am I really that bad if I just don't want her to kiss somebody else? Or make out with strangers on stage in front of a bunch of other strangers when she doesn't even do that with me in front of people? I want to be able to just nip this in the bud and

be a better boyfriend, but I think I find it hard to... Nip it in the bud? Is that true? That's the phrase? Yeah. What does that mean? Nip it in the bud? I thought it was... It's like... Nip it in the bud? Is that true? That's the phrase? Yeah. What does that mean? Nip it in the bud? I thought it was... It's like you nip it in the bud before it blooms. Oh, wow. I've been saying that wrong the whole time. I just want to nip this in the bud and be a better boyfriend, but I find it hard to watch

my girlfriend make out with some dude then be expected to clap afterwards. Obviously, I'm an extremely jealous boyfriend, so that definitely adds to the issue as well but still what do i do help please this guy like went off the rails as he was writing this email yeah but also an angry amir read it like that as well and amir read it like that was my decision yeah so what's the deal with this guy interpreted you acted in the way that led us to

interpret this exact same way what's the deal with this guy? I mean, what does he have to do? Should he be upset that his girlfriend is making out with a mommy? This is how Ben's going to host the episode from now on. I've never seen you do an impression. That's like not part of your comedy thing. I can do an impression of the woodchuck in Full House. Oh, yeah, let's hear it. Ready? Yep. The impression of the woodchuck in Full House. Oh, yeah. Let's hear it.

Ready? Yep. The truth of the world. Wow. How does that come out of your mouth? It's also Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. Filthy little hobbitses. Filthy little hobbitses. That's so bizarre.

What else can I do? I used to be able to do a couple. Not very well. I also do... I've been on a cartoon for like three years Randy Cunningham I do the great Randy Cunningham Whoever watches

Yeah, a hundred episodes, two seasons Isn't that crazy? How many times have you guys been on the show? Zero, you won't have us She wants to be in the middle We knock on the trailer door And you just never let us in. Hilarious that you think voiceovers have trailers.

So let's talk about this. Sure. But before, can I ask you a question? Sure. No. Dating an actress who has to kiss another guy. This is the problem. And it's going to be a problem forever, unfortunately, if you date an actress. She is going to have roles, especially if she's a female,

that she's going to have to kiss the opposite sex and it is very weird and i have gone through that weirdness and i don't there's no other profession outside of pornography i guess but is there any other profession that you and by the kissing is the lowest of it i've had scenes where you have to have sex with women and you're naked with them and stuff like that well my dad's a tax lawyer and he's he's constantly where he's he's had to have sex or hook up with the secretary that's not true that's not true well and your dad listens to this now he feels terrible he really wanted to hang out with your whole family a couple weeks ago yeah he really wanted to but i mean like ben saying it's

not acting it's the only profession where you have to kiss somebody. My dad had to. Wait, prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong, Seymour Skinner. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong, killed children. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong and tell me, is there another profession? That forces you to kiss somebody?

Acting? A lip doctor? No. Oh, no. Or a real profession? Oh, CPR. That's good. Mouth to mouth. That's good. That's mouth to mouth, I guess. to mouth i guess you're right that'd be funny doctors see each other naked uh doctors see patients naked yeah but

imagine if you got pissed at your husband the lifeguard for saving a life like you were making out with that chick it was incredible i i saw the life come back into her eyes yeah that's how hard you were kissing her you were frenching her and i like the other the other version of this is this i've been waiting five years for that woman to choke on something so i could kiss her if the lady didn't make it yeah so you oh so she's dead not yet she's not you kissed her to death oh yeah baby you cheated on me with a corpse oh baby i kissed a corpse so hard i came back to life i like i like when you're a hero but so creepy sir my favorite part of this email is that he explains to us why it bothers him as if like we didn't know like what bothers me is that kissing her is something that i only see myself doing it's a

special little thing that i have you you think you invented kissing? Is that what you think you did? Don't tell anybody else. She's starting to bring this smash lip thing that we do and turning it into a national phenomenon. He's also making her profession, it starts to be like she's going to get roles where she has to kiss people

and then he goes on to just sort of demean the entire idea of acting. She's going to kiss a stranger on stage in front of a bunch of other strangers and I have to clap afterwards like it's a good thing like I'm proud of her you mean she booked a role she's excited about

a lot of people show up to her show and then people clap afterwards that does sound really nice yeah but at the same time she had to press her face in college so you guys are definitely gonna break up if she's the only girl you've ever kissed don't worry about it of course just yeah wish her godspeed on her journey and break up now ben what's the farthest you've gone with a chick off camera One time I did Smash Mouth What's that?

Where you take both your lips And you push them together And you go With the guy from Smash Mouth Yeah you have to make out The guy from Smash Mouth What's the Most intense sexual thing

You've done on camera? I kind of I've done sex scenes I've done making out sex like how does that work you're wearing underwear and so is she well it matters it matters what type of uh production you're on if you're on a show that's on something like she my first sex scene ever the woman who's gorgeous who was uh was had something in her rider that she shouldn't because she couldn't show her ass or uh vagina so they

couldn't show my ass and vagina is right there so they couldn't show your vagina my vagina right there oh my god my ass and my ass and vagina is in the same space so i i was able to where she was wearing see-through she's wearing like skin color panties, and I just wore tighty-whities and rolled them up, so whatever. But in House of Lies— But she was topless? She was wearing a see-through bra. I don't think she let anybody look at her breasts either. But that was us going through the motions of sex and showing my chest.

But I've been naked— Fully naked? No. For Showtime, I think they can show my ass. They have a— I don't know. But they make you wear this terrible thing, and it's called a modesty sock, I think. And what it is, it's like a little pouch. You know like when you're younger and you have marbles?

Yeah, but you know, you put your penis in it too. You have to scrunch all your business together. And then you, so it's like you put it all in there, right? And you tie it up like marbles? And then you tie up the top. Oh. So it can't, so it can't whatever. Oh. It's no fun put it all in there. And then you tie it up like marbles? And then you tie up the top so it can't whatever. It's no fun.

It is no fun. So you couldn't even get hard if you wanted to. No, you could get hard. I'll break through the sack. You could break through the sack. Have you ever gotten hard in it? No. By the way, I've been so nervous about it because I've been very fortunate. We're such lovely, nice women are there who are also gorgeous.

You know what I mean? So it's like... Have you ever had to grind against a topless woman? Yes. She was on top of me. You're in this pouch and she's topless. No, that I was wearing my pants still. Oh, but she's grinding on you.

The only time I wore that pouch was when there's a scene where I was naked in the back of a car. So it led to the look I was totally naked. All the other ones are like the beginning. So this year I have a couple sex scenes but it's mostly the very beginning of it right before we started so it's before it's like whatever it's like a lot of making out you fall onto the bed and then but by the way there it's crazy because you're still like

I'll always every time I'll be going up to the actress like whatever you're because it's our it's our show and they're usually the guest star right so like whatever you're comfortable with whatever you feel like I will do as I want to make you as comfortable as possible make you feel like this isn't a big thing so if you want to just no tongue 100 no touching anything you wish would be totally fine it's not not your decision to make no it kind of i've been on the show we've been on the show for so long that if the director's like yeah but you need to be i was like you know we'll sell it just if it makes her uncomfortable it's crazy if it makes her uncomfortable there's no reason to make her then choose another job sweetheart that's what you say every time she says actually no tongue i don't think so you're fired you bite into an onion

but there are actresses that are like let's do it like we would be do it let's do it real like we would be doing that's the art man i and by the way that that for the most part i believe is the correct way of doing it does it ever Do you ever feel connected or aroused? Yes, you do. There are some times where you 100%... By the way, it's the same with when you kiss a woman in real life. There's some times where you feel connected and like, oh my god, this girl is amazing at this. This is a great connection.

Even though there's a camera and a crew around? I've never had sex scenes. I've never even had tongue kissing scenes. But when I've had smooch stuff or fake make out... Oh wait, I did have a sex scene once. You had a fake out make out. I had a had sex scenes. I've never even had tongue kissing scenes. But when I've had smooch stuff or fake make out. I did have a sex scene once. You had a fake out make out. I had a fake sex scene. Did you kiss the person?

Yeah. But it was so, I don't know. I felt nothing. There wasn't like, not even a semblance. Yeah, but that's what you do when you're actually cheating on your girlfriend. So that's not like a good indication. What about you, Ben? What do you feel like when you're kissing someone and you're in a relationship?

I will say this. It was, if you've ever dated an actress before there is it's it's weird it's a weird feeling that let's say you care about someone you kiss them and you're like oh this week sometime you have a sex scene with somebody or you have a that girl has a makeout scene with someone it's weird it is very weird i it's something that this guy, it's hard to get over. But he's obviously, he runs a little bit jealous regardless. But it's a tough thing. I don't know how to explain it because also like it's so weird because then you can watch it also and you can watch that person make out. Like all those scenes that I'm making out with those girls are on television or whatever.

But you're an actor too. So like you have to be, it seems like you have to be more lenient. Yes, I understand it totally. Yes, yes, yes. If you're like a random, like you have to It seems like you have to Be more lenient Yes I understand it totally Yes yes yes If you're like a random Like a student or a plumber And then you have to see Your wife or girlfriend

Make out with another guy This guy's also already Really really jealous Think about it He's seething And his girlfriend Doesn't have a role Where she has to kiss him

And by the way It may be There's so many Different types of kisses It could just be like A little peck And it means nothing But if it's like

You know there are scenes That we've done Where it's like really Like we're on each other she's all over me i'm making out with her and throwing her on a bed stuff like that that's a totally different kissing scene than then uh i'll see you later i'll see you later kiss and leave and say goodbye but it's a very weird thing because also you want your you want to try your best to be in the moment like i learned from improv and then i never really went through acting school i never went through acting school but uh for improv you want to be in the moment

you want to say yes and you want to make something with someone else always in a scene you want to the three of us or the three of us write we play with each other

we talk to each other and we make it work we play with each other's dicks yeah we play with each other's dicks anytime we write and then anytime Jake comes we're like that's a good joke

the idea stick we only come when something's really funny only and so Jake only comes into his own jokes by the way so sad but there is this weird moment when you're like making out with someone and then if you're single by the way it's gonna if you're single there's like no you don't feel as bad at all you just don't feel as bad at all but when you're if let's say you're going out with someone and

you're making out with someone you just don making out with someone, it feels so weird. You know what I mean? Does it feel weird to see or to be in that? Are you feeling more weird when you're making out or when you see your girlfriend making out? What's worse for you? Oh, my God. If watching a girl make out that I'm dating or something like that. Yeah, of course.

I don't know when this comes out. The worst thing I could imagine is being the guy, having a girl be upset, going making out, and then coming home. And then that first conversation. How was set today? How was the scene? It was good. It was a fine day. But think about sex scenes.

I've had scenes where girls are totally naked in front of me. Totally naked and wearing like a tiny, there's a little triangle they put over their pubic region. That's the only thing they have covering themselves. And what do they do? A modesty triangle? I forget what it's called. It's called something. I forget what it's called. I have an amazing story. I wonder if I can tell it. Oh my god,

you can't do that in the night. Alright, there's a sex scene and we're in Vegas. By the way, some of these make-outs, I don't know if anybody watches House of Lies on the show, but the last episode, or I guess it'll be a couple episodes by the time this airs, there's a girl that I have a bunch of make-out scenes with. She has a boyfriend in real life. She's so sweet, such a great actress.

Her name is Valerie Curry. And she was great in these scenes. You know what I mean? But she's amazing because at the same time, her boyfriend was on set sometimes. On set. And he was never for the – oh, there was a kissing scene he was on set for. Oh, no, no, no. I don't know if we kissed.

We didn't kiss. But he was so sweet. He was an actor also, so he knew what was going on and stuff like that. She's like a pro and amazing. She was great at it. There are some people that are a little bit more awkward about it. There are some people that are not as. Or like I remember I did a short film once and it was just she she she had never done a kissing scene before and i made her as comfortable as possible

and everything and it was just very it was just very weird because you could tell how nervous she is and when someone's kissing they're nervous you could feel it right and so um i only feel that i've never kissed like a girl who's at ease oh really she's always like give me a situation where you're kissing someone so like uh i'm on the end of a date, and it's going, all right, as far as I'm concerned, it's going great. And she's probably not feeling it. She's upset because I split the bill. A lot of times she's upset. Yeah, it's not mad or anything.

She's just upset. What do you usually say? Do you say the while it's in the car? Do you say, what's your line? No, I'm like, why don't we get this out of the way now? Because I feel like I don't want to have the first kiss later. Do you say that for real? And then I can feel the hair on her back stand.

She's so disgusted by that. Right. And she tenses up like this. She's like pushing her shoulder blades together in the back. Like a cat. But what happened? Or someone spilled hot water down her back. It's like, ah!

Have you ever done that? Have you ever? By the way, that line is extraordinary. Have you ever used that line? Because my question is, what happens if the girl doesn't want to make out with you? If they're like, I want to see how this date goes before I put you in? Oh, you're talking about actually using that line?

In real life, yeah. Oh, that's actually a line from Annie Hall. It worked in Annie Hall. Oh, right. What do you know? He picks it up. He's like, we might as well get this over with now. Yes, I remember that.

Okay, great, now it's over. Have you ever used that? No, never. Of course not. Jakey? No, definitely not. Because you're a terrible person. Because I think it's a terrible person thing to do to say let's kiss now

before you know me what happens if I don't like you yeah it would be so crazy alright this is my crazy story we're in Vegas there's a scene where

there's a scene where I'm having sex this is a scene obviously I'm having sex with someone Cheetos John Cheetos the star of our show John Cheetos

is having sex with someone and another actor is having sex with someone in the same room and the move the camera move is I wonder if I've ever said this before

I'm sure it's fine the camera move is i wonder if i ever said this before i'm sure it's fine the camera move is from cheetle to the other person and then you wipe across the room and it's to me is it a special effect or you guys actually fake doing it in the cheetle is completely naked with the modesty sock on so you can see his ass and everything in the shot also the other guy totally naked with a modesty sock on and uh they're having sex with these two gorgeous women by the way and i'm having sex with a beautiful woman as well um but i'm totally clothed the joke was i was having sex with total clothes so i go up to him for and i say the same thing i've said with any person and i was like hey just so you know anything you like tell me what you're

comfortable with i don't want to make you feel uncomfortable and she laughs because she goes she goes baby listen to me i'm a soft core porn actress. You could do whatever you want. Oh my God. And I'm like, and she's like, are you nervous now? And I'm like, no,

no, no, no, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. What is soft core versus regular porn? Soft core means there's no penetration,

but they simulate everything. So there's no actual penis and vagina, but it's like, it looks like there is. They're on top of each other and all that stuff. What's the point of that? Because you can't show penetration on Showtime or HBO or like, you know skin max remember all those things we're kids yeah yeah i don't know if it still exists now there's so much porno i wonder if it does but um so so i was like i was

like okay very nice woman she's uh i thought that's what you said okay very nice very nice woman all right very nice um yes and it was a. Yes. And it was a Swedish girl. It was a Swedish woman. She was the Swedish woman. No, no, no. Cheeto had this Swedish woman that kind of didn't speak total English. I had this beautiful black woman. And then there was, I forget what, an Asian woman.

It was like all different ethnicities. It was the UN. It was great. It was the UN of softcore porno fucking everything. We were in Vegas in a place that had windows see through windows and we were to have sex the two people had sex them against the windows so essentially if you were looking in that day you it would have looked like don jay on this other person we're fucking these two girls because the cameras are behind them yeah so the camera move

is this uh i wonder if this is too graphic jake i know your family listens to this it's all right mama turn down the podcast uh love you, bitch. Hey, did you give the Simpsons script that I gave you to your family? Yes. Did you? I gave it to my father. I thought I texted you. I did. I did give you one, right? You gave me one to give to my dad. And I gave it to him. And I texted you and I said he loved it. Alright, good. That makes me happy.

He does love it. Alright, good. I'm happy that I could talk about your father right in the middle of the sex story. Hi, daddy. Hey, hello, daddy. I love your money, father. So, the move is Cheeto, other guy and then me and i'm having sex with this woman on a chair and the whole idea is she's on her back and then that's why this is graphic i apologize but if you watch the episode it's in there and when the camera comes to me i'm to flip her so her head is over the top of the chair and i'm to have sex with her from behind okay okay and she goes beforehand and she's totally naked off the bat and she didn't want to wear the little

piece that covers because she's like everybody's seen me and i was like i was like oh i was totally closed so it didn't matter for me and i was supposed to just like pretend to have sex there and when you're pretending sex with someone and you're wearing that little pouch or like you're wearing only your underwear it's really hard it's really scary and hard because like oh it's going to be so hard to not get excited but when you're fully clothed it's a little bit easier for a hundred different reasons

so the first take she's like you can do anything you want don't worry I have another story but I won't and so it goes

they go we're going to do the first one so you guys don't have to pretend to have sex so it's Cheeto. The camera move is Cheeto. The hilarious scene is this is the end of the party and all of a sudden we're just all having sex. Cheeto, the other guy.

I see the camera coming. And in the meantime, I'm kind of in the background. And she is acting like Hercules is fucking her. She's like. And so I had to catch up my ferociousness in my sex to meet the levels of what she was throwing out there. It was so funny. And then the camera was on us. And so I flipped her over and she was such a pro with it. The move was so sexy and cool.

And then I'm having sex with her from behind and she's so gorgeous. This beautiful black woman in front of me. And I take her hair and I pull her hair as sometimes men do when they're having sex with women from behind. And she's so gorgeous, this beautiful black woman in front of me. And I take her hair and I pull her hair, as sometimes men do when they're having sex with women from behind. And she's wearing a weave. And the weave goes, and I pull it off her head. You pulled her hair off. So her hair was to the left side of her hair. And she did not break.

And she was acting like Thor himself was fucking her with his hammer. And she was like, ah! And her hair was barely hanging on, and she's trying to fix her hair while having sex. And they finish the little scene, they go, cut. And she cracks up. She laughs. I was like, oh my God, she's going to kill me.

She laughs up. She's like, oh, I should have said you could do anything but touch my hair. I was like, I apologize. I was so Jewish in that moment. I was like, I am apologize i was so jewish in that moment i was like i am so sorry i am so sorry oh gosh i really apologize did they keep that take as a joke um it exists somewhere but they did not use that take wait did that episode come out well in season two when we were in vegas yeah great um and literally it happens where they change it to i'm having sex

the guys having sex next to me and we high five which is so stupid but by the way can i say there's a scene if anybody ever sees that episode i don't remember what episode it's in the scene right after that the three of us are all hung over me cheeto and this this guy we're doing business with are all hung over eating brunch and it's an awesome scene i remember cheeto and i being like that was a good one man yeah and anytime cheeto like even hints that like that was better than shitty yeah like he's like yeah that was good I was like oh baby could I be in Hotel Rwanda too Hotel for Dogs

Rwanda edition he was in Hotel for Dogs as well by the way oh really yeah two hotel movies yeah two hotel movies

when they ask you to do stuff that's like so cringeworthy like high-fiving while having sex yeah do you ever like

yeah I'll say yeah you know what I don't think that'll happen but this we're both hammered and it was me and my character was a real douchebag at the time and it was literally the other guy's last name was uh douche douche can yeah so they were called the douchebag twins and so like it

was perfect my character would do it for his character right because he wants it so bad he wants that high five so bad and i'm trying to get his business yeah that of course yeah same reason why we'd all have sex in the same room there There's no reason. We wanted to close the deal. Yeah. So that's why we all did it. Yeah. That's why you closed the deal. Oh, but that's the funniest sex story I've got.

That's good. What about funniest real sex story? Sure. Okay. So me, Cheetle, are having sex in the same room in Vegas. No one else is in there. Nobody else is in there. We're both jerking off to different types of porn.

Him, softcore. Him, softcore. I'm jerking off to his Captain Planet videos on Funny or Die. There's always fun. By the way, there's a great beginning of a sex scene this year between me and Valerie Curry, which is so sweet and lovely. I feel like it kind of encompasses what fun, if you like the person person's sex can be like or start or stuff like that. And we're like laughing and having fun and it's kind of cute and sexy.

Do you ever laugh while you're having sex? For real? You'll play it. Not like laugh. At the beginning when you're like kissing someone or like stuff like that. Right before there's actual penetration. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, when I'm having sex, well, like Jake, everybody knows when you have sex,

you sing the Lion King theme at the beginning, right? That's good. Oh, try it. Try it. Try it. Ready? Very close. All right. All right. Let's hit a commercial. Hamanyada, hamanyada, hamanyabanyada, hamanyada, hamanyabanyada. Very close.

All right. All right. Let's hit a commercial. It's actually a good timing. Let's actually do a commercial. We'll be right back with my shorts. Are you king, dude? I've counted like four waters since I got here.

Nope. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think., Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right. We're back. And you, the microphone. It's a very sexual one.

We did a very sexual show. I just realized you probably didn't give this guy advice. We just talked about our. Oh, okay. This is the advice. I told him to break up with this girl. No, that's a terrible advice. No, it's not.

He's a bad boyfriend. No, this is what you got to do. You have to learn that it's a part of her job, unfortunately, and it's something you're going to have to deal with. Also, you have to understand that you might be a little bit jealous, but it's a jealousy that comes from something that makes sense. It's not a jealousy like, oh my God, who is she out with tonight?

It's literally my girlfriend's going to kiss a very attractive guy probably yeah tonight so i understand that it's rooted in something it is going to be to you she is nervous about it as well she's more nervous about it than you are dude it's her first time kissing someone on camera or on stage uh be as supportive as you can you could be like hey you know what this makes me feel uncomfortable but i'm supportive of you please whatever whatever. If you like her and you dig her, you've got to hope and cross your fingers that it's fine. The other thing is you're so young. You're 21 years old. 18.

You're 18? They're about to be going into college. Oh, wow. Break up. No, not break up. But you'll see how strong it is. But it is something you can't make her feel bad for. Don't make her feel ashamed.

She's just as nervous as you are. Let her do her thing and be supportive. If it's a live show, I would show up to the live show and support her. If it's on whatever. You've got to kick that dude's ass afterwards. Green giant. You find that guy's girlfriend You know, her stage partner Give me a Jake and a Jake, Jake, Jake

Oh god, Jake, your rhythm Sorry Try it again, ready? Give me a Jake, Jake and Jake, Jake, Jake Was that right? See, the problem is I don't know what I'm wrong You don't know when to start Give me a Jake, Jake and Jake, Jake, Jake

I want a Jake, Jake and a Jake, Jake, Jake. I want a Jake, Jake, and a Jake, Jake, Jake. Oh, you had it. You lost it. Cool. How can you play guitar when you can't do that? That makes no sense. Well, guitar doesn't. Guitar is just like steady all the time.

It's like da-na-na-na-na. No, it's not. Da-na-na. I don't know. I don't know how I know how to play guitar. He's great at guitar. Ladies, my Mercedes. Have you ever given your phone number out on this podcast?

No. No, it's sort of like a cool hip-hop thing to do, though. Oh, really? You give out your own phone number on a song? Big Sean does it on his album. No, he does not. Yeah. Gives his actual phone numbers, no way it's his real phone. Yeah, somebody else did it before him.

I can't remember who it was. And said what? Call me? Yeah. That's right. He's like, oh, whatever. Big Sean's line is like, you think I'm not,

you say you can't get in touch with me or like, whatever. And then he just says his number. Oh, wow. I called it. It's a 555? No, it's, I mean, I think, I don't know if it was,

I think it was his real number. Hey, how do you ask questions, by the way, on the podcast? What do you mean, how do I ask questions? No, like, how do you get people to ask questions? Oh, you think, I don't know if it was, I think it was a real number. Hey, how do you ask questions, by the way, on the podcast? What do you mean, how do I ask questions? No, like, how do you get people to ask questions? Oh, you can, people can email ifireashowatgmail.com. Speaking of, let's answer another question. All right, we got time for one last one.

What? I just don't get what the point of the show is. Of course you do. You just, you just, that was the point of the show. You just gave this guy bad advice. I gave him good advice. I think you should break up. Why? Because you're so young? Yeah. What happens if that's the girl you love? this guy bad advice i gave him good advice i think you should break up why because you're so young yeah what happens if that's the girl you're the tiebreaker uh

you could stick it out if i mean if the jealousy is indeed too much for you to handle then then you don't have to make her feel bad see how it feels go through it once yeah go through it better at it by the way she's not every scene she's not gonna be kissing her yeah yeah it's not it's not as big of a deal as he's making out to be it does suck though i hear you and i feel for you uh all right one last question one last time one more time we need a male name yeah yeah you guys may not know about this about jake and amir but they love to dance yeah do you talk about on the podcast i guess we talk about going out dancing they go out dancing and it is something, it is a joy that I forgot that I had

until Amir and Jake and Amir had pushed me to go out dancing a couple times and we had a blast. Yeah. Dancing's fun. And then we've gone out

many times since. The only bad part is that it kind of ruins regular bars because then it's like, oh, what am I doing here if there's not music Well, to be fair,

we don't go to club. I guess one time we went to club. I would never go to like a techno club. No, not like EDM no I mean by the way more power to you

and I saw a documentary on it love the community around it but I love hip hop and R&B I would love to those type of places

there's not enough hip hop bars there's literally it's crazy to me I know Samantha Ronson does a show on Fairfax every now and then I was like

we gotta go to that it's people dancing to the best she's so good but why are there not more hip hop and R&B in Los Angeles I don't know but Jake found one I go on Fairfax every now and then. I was like, we got to go to that. It's people dancing to the best. She's so good. But why are there not more hip-hop and R&B in Los Angeles? I don't know. But Jake found one that's every Saturday night.

Oh, maybe we do that someday. Starts this Saturday. Really? Yeah. My friend's wedding is this weekend. I'm also going away this weekend. I'm so sorry. I like that video. All right.

Ready? Oh, guy's name. Sure. This guy is brought to you by Energizer Batteries. And his name is... You brought your own sponsor. His name is Larence. That's L-A-R-R-E-N-C-E.

Larence Odaligules. Oh. Is he Jewish?-C-E. Larence Odaligules. Oh. Is he Jewish? No, he's Irish. Oh. Odaligules. We had a guy named Larence in one of our videos once, didn't we? Yeah.

Ghouls. Isn't a ghoul like a ghost? Yes. Why doesn't nobody say ghouls anymore? I say ghoul. Do you? I will say ghoul every day. What's my favorite line you do in Jake and Amir?

What's that? From the Pirates of the Caribbean trailer. Do it. Oh. The one... Do it. From the trailer. The... Wait wait you best start believing yeah do it do it do you want me to do the jake and amir line or the other line uh opinions are like assholes jake you are one yeah if it wasn't worth it asshole that's like asking someone to do an impression of me like that No that's not good Alright

Larence writes I met him in a lake down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time Like a giant carbonated soda I changed your rhythm S-O-D-A-S-O-D-A Now speed it up I saw the little run sitting there on a log.

He asked me his name and in a raspy voice he said, Yoda. Yoda. Was that all right? It's great. Thanks, guys. Hey, guys. No, again.

Hey, guys. Broke up with a girlfriend of three years a couple months ago. I've been curious about joining Tinder slash Hinge slash etc. for a while, but was worried about running into the X on there. How long should I wait before getting these apps? Have you ever run across an X on Tinder? Best. Larence.

What's his last name? Oh, Dalagool. I'm not on those, so you guys have to it but i can i can give you general sweeps are you guys both on tinder yeah are you allowed to talk about it on the podcast yeah are you on tinder but didn't you make a poster of his tinder profile i did god that was so funny um by the way you may not know but jake is very funny you probably don't know from the short films because he's so bad in them. He's so bad and unfunny in all the Jake appearances. This is a compliment.

You probably don't know because his performance is lackluster and his writing is poor. But he's actually a funny dude. His writing is poor. But he's really a funny dude. But he's a legit 5 out of 10. He's not funny in the things he says or does, but just the mistakes he makes. Just look at him. He's so dumb yeah Matt Besser once said

that a great straight man is one of the hardest things in the universe to find you have to be so good and so funny to pull it off and Jake is

the only thing harder than that is to be like the funny silly wacky guy that's the cake people want to laugh at that without Jake

you make no sense that's right fuck that do you realize when I do shorts it's harder for you for you and me to both be crazy at the same time because it's just too much well what about also when we had thomas and you and me and jake it was a fucking shite milana being crazy yeah um the uh

i will say one of my favorite things when i watch jake and amir and i've seen quite a few is when jake breaks because he gives you what you he gives you the character, and then he breaks it by going, like, when he tries to be too fratty or too cool. I go nuts for that character of Jake. There was one where, like, there was a moment. The Amanda Bynes, where I have Amanda Bynes' phone number, and he, like, turns it on. He's like, you didn't tell me you had an in with Bynes.

She's all that. There's three versions of that. There's that Jake. There's the Jake where Like We just did Oh in episode one of the two part The bad impressions

When he's trying to do When he's trying to do the bad Man when he's doing those impressions Are there going to be deleted scenes? Yeah we should do that We have outtakes on that But man he was making us laugh Just because he commits so

He wants people to think he's cool It's so funny The second there's a shred so – he wants people to think he's cool. It's so funny. The second there's a shred of doubt that someone doesn't think he's cool, he puts on – he tries harder than Amir tries. Did I do damn? This is my favorite analysis of our character. It's really, really funny. I think there's different shades of what Jake is and I think the real one is probably the most crazy one. That is true.

But it was – oh, God, it's crazy one that is true but it was it was oh god it's crazy we're not gonna do it again we're never gonna do Jake and Amir again isn't that sad? have you talked about it on the podcast?

I feel nothing no you feel well you always feel nothing only greed and shame Jake has emotions what do you think Jake? I'm really sad that was sad

remember our last day? that was sad yeah I think when we were like we're in when we were writing it felt like I don't know our heads were down we were just we're in when we were writing it felt like i don't know our heads were down we're just working on it and then at the end of that long day when they're

like that's a wrap on ben it was like there was a there was a great chance we would never see each other again it wasn't like that but i mean it was like thinking it was sad well i wrote the end of that thing so it would feel like sad remember that yeah or what you guys were like why are you doing this oh when you hug me yeah i thought or like being like hey this was so fun like i wanted it to be genuine right yeah that was a real moment that we like snuck into the video yeah i did that by the way at the end of parks and rec i did that as well i don't know did you guys watch the finale parks and rec yeah did you we did um the end of it one of the lines was um hey leslie and she turns turns around and I go, I've always loved you. And I did it as sincere as possible.

I wanted it to be like for the first time you see what he really thinks and why he's been trying so hard this whole time. Because he really loves Leslie. He's in love with her. And if you watch it, it's like I almost cry in some of the takes. Wow. I try to make it genuine. And also I think it makes it so funny that it's that whatever.

And also they did the funniest edit where after it when she goes, I know, I get up and like, I get up and like fist, fist, whatever.

Bad fist bump. And they black out to a commercial right after. It made me laugh so hard. But one of the things when we were shooting that Jake and Amir, because that was also

a week of like, when it aired it was like the end of Parks and then the end of you guys and those are all the things that i get to like be the silliest version of myself and have the most fun um you guys without me knowing uh because uh they're very they're very nice and they show me edits each edit and i get to give notes on rough cuts i don't know if you do that with other guys but no very very nice to you and because we write it together and we kind of do the whole process together and we go back um and they're very

very good at editing but they added that montage I had no idea there was a montage in the final one of our old outtakes and I knew something was special

with the copy because Amir never emails me more than Amir would be like hey here's a new cut tell me what you think but then he like texted me and emailed me

one more time and be like hey did you check it out I was like I was like oh I'm working I think you'll find a special treat in this one I got emotional I got i got close to a teary-eyed when i watched it it was because it was like oh my god we've been doing it for this long yeah

and it was all that was yeah that was what made me emotional really going back and pulling those really old clips it's like holy shit so crazy and the best part they were from the outtakes they're from like the it was like from us being us yeah and laughing for real that was us being us and laughing for real and then you're doing your fake seal laugh and me not being able to control that was so great i remember the first time i did it you guys were nervous for some you were nervous the first two times i could tell you guys were nervous to like play yeah because we never we never stuff with a real comedian like comedy it still makes me nervous no you're so comfortable now i'm terrified think about the last one we did where you were doing those fucking and i did that the best part was that sounded like jake and dave

did that no and i did that dan and i did that dan and then the callback to that which you guys don't know until now is when everybody goes, Norm! Jake goes, Dan! He doesn't even say Dan. He goes, Dan! Like, look at my mouth. You know I'm saying Norm. And I did, Dan. That was really fun, too, for me to just, like, play with a real-life Ben. I've never, ever done that before.

Oh, yeah, because I was a crazy character. You're always insane. I was the straight man. Yeah, so that was really interesting. I was the straight man in that first episode. And also, remember that one that we did where you did the cartman? Yeah, that was the origin I was a streamer on that first episode and also remember that one that we did where you did the Cartman and it was

couples therapists that was the origin of the bad impressions it was like me doing Batman shit man that made me laugh so respect my authority it made me laugh

Carmen so and then you're and then you had like some Beetlejuice or some weird oh no you were like Christian Bailey

oh yeah you're gonna love mine you're like Batman yeah and then I'm like Batman's juice or some weird like oh no you were like christian bailey oh yeah you're gonna love mine you're like batman yeah and then i'm like a batman's over here too wait there was something that i don't know if you just watch the video i guess can we but jake is incredibly funny amir gets a lot of credit and jake is incredibly funny as well i am really funny everybody i hope your dad and your mom are listening now i hope my mom's listening and we are going to continue to collaborate. I don't know how. Oh, we know we're going to start to write stuff for fun. Let's see if anybody wants to buy it. For fun and cash.

I mean, we'll see about the cash. But regardless, it'll be fun. No, it won't. It won't be fun unless we're rich, baby. See, this is the problem. I'm rich. That's the last part of that. Do you know the whole line?

Yeah. What? Go, do it. I'm rich, Jay. See, this is where I get it, dude. I'm rich, Jay. See, this is where I get it, dude. I'm rich, Jay. Hey, I'm rich, Jay Leno. Is that 45 minutes?

Ish. Let's talk to this guy really quickly. On the phone? Yep. Here we go. Wait, he asked a question? Yeah, he's like, can I join Tinder or do I have to wait a little bit? Oh, yeah, whatever.

Are you on Tinder? Yeah, and it doesn't matter if you see her ex. You just swipe her left. It's okay. Or the fact that you see her ex means that she's on it, too. Yeah. So she can't get mad at you. Also, if you swipe her left it's okay or like the fact that you see her ex means that she's on it too yeah so she can't get mad at you also if you swipe her left she there's a good chance if you see her first if you swipe her left there's a good chance that you won't just show up

in her queue isn't it also fine to start like do you give yourself like a oh i just broke up i better take a week off as from risk i guess like oh i wouldn't go on tinder immediately after but he said he was months right yeah yeah that's 100 fine now i wouldn't and by the way i'm also of the nature of i wouldn't date anybody for a little bit if someone meant something to you right out of respect i would take a little bit of time i don't think jake is the same way well if i was not trying to date anybody and i just wanted something that wasn't serious i would immediately go to tinder that's where you get that stuff do you mean you would even try not to bone a girl uh yeah but i'm a weirdo in that stuff i'm like you know what if i cared about someone because i because i felt like if i went out with a girl and i actually loved her i really

cared about her and then i found out three days after we broke up she had sex with a guy like oh that's just that's terrible it just makes me feel disgusting so you wouldn't do that so i i waited i wait a little bit yeah that's very thoughtful of you i usually like to wait to at least like three or four weeks before we break up oh my god Jake's funny too dude

this episode is so much better than the first one are you kidding me dude the first one was so boring this one is so much better right because we talked about sex instead of drums

there's only one thing that can make it better I'm gonna get it up while we keep going thank you Ben for coming by. Is that it? Yeah. We gave advice.

We were here for about an hour. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, send them on down to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Ben, do you have anything you want to plug? By the way, am I allowed to plug something or no? You can say whatever you want. For real? Yeah.

Okay, there is something that means a lot to me that I'd like to plug. Okay. He's back. Okay, I would like to... Wait, when is this coming out? Sometime in the next couple weeks. March. Oh, House of Lies would be wrapping up.

Guys, give House of L lies a shot this year i don't also these the writers gave me these amazing arcs and i have these beautiful dramatic beats it's really sweet i should watch this season my brother says he loves it now it's so this season is i mean all the seasons are great but this season they're i mean we just the characters are set people know who they are now we get to really play like i have a father. The craziest thing that's ever happened in any TV show I've ever done happens in the next three weeks.

Whoa. Yeah, by far the craziest storyline. Also, there's those sex scenes we talked about how you get to see sparks with people and we try to play it out and there's more than two people involved in this thing and it's fun, but I get these really great words

that these writers wrote me and that's me being selfish about my character what's an example of one of the great words my poopy smells

like toot toot you say that yeah but there's one great one oh really but there is it's a really good season give it a shot

it's on Showtime 10pm Sundays and go on Showtime anytime you can watch every single episode watch the House of Lies improv special I did it's a really good season. Give it a shot. It's on Showtime, 10 p.m. Sundays. And go on Showtime anytime. You can watch every single episode. Watch the House of Lies improv special I did. It's on there. On demand. Yeah, go to rejectedjokes.com.

Follow me on Twitter at rejectedjokes. And that's it. Dang, you want to do an outro song? Because you said you were going to do one after Jake did his last one. I'm going to give the guitar to Amir. We can't play more than four seconds at a time. Lawyers will be on our ass. Do you know how to play guitar?

Kind of. Oh my god, this is amazing. Just the high part from the Weezer song. You can play a Weezer song, I'll just make up different words. The world has turned. You know that? Just the high part from Buddy Holly Which

Oh, I know this part Oh, that's cool That's cool Regular song She's a Jake girl Crazy about denim And a mere girl Likes colorful socks too

She's a free girl Touching Jake and a mere Have a threesome But be safe too Cause I'm free Free ballin' Thank you guys. If I were you show,

thank you for having me. I'll never see you again. All right. Goodbye forever. Hey everybody. I don't know if again. All right. Goodbye forever. Hey, everybody. I don't know if you've heard, but your favorite website, thechive.com, now has words. And it's come in the form of our shiny new podcast right over at Podcast One. So join us.

I'm John Rezic. This is Bob Phillip. Hi. Every Thursday for a mix of chive culture, celebrity interviews, and offbeat current events. You never know who's going to drop by the studio and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them. So it's the Chai Podcast. It's total ear candy.

There's no snark involved in this and you can download it now at podcastone.com. That's podcastone.com.