Segments - 143: Spelling Bee

Episode Date: March 26, 2015

In this episode we discuss tidy rooms, burner phones, and maneuverability. This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub.com, Squarespace.com, and Prosper.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and save extra when you bundle. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. That's trunkclub.com, a website, a service for guys that hate shopping but still want to look good. How it works is you go to trunkclub.com slash if I were you, you answer a few simple questions about your look, your style, and your size, and they assign a real person to

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if you do want to look better without putting in very much extra effort at all, then go to trunkclub.com slash if I were you today. That's trunkclub.com slash if I were you. I've been using this website, this service, since before they paid me to say these words. So you know I personally endorse trunkclub.com. All right, let's get started. This episode was so fun to record because I like having a podcast. Enjoy, things got real. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now.

Y'all do you. Hey, y'all. Oh, hey there. Straight up breakup. That's what's up. Isn't that like a TLC song? Straight up breakup. Hold up.

Mr. Lover. Mr. Lover. Mr. Lover. Mercy. If I were you, I wouldn't grow. I would say no to a F-I-W-E-U show. Toto, Toto, Toto. You gotta earn this booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty.

Y'all do you. Y'all do you. Y'all do you. That was by us. I did the remix. We made that one. Doesn't count as art because you used our voices. It's weird. He took all of these really quick, seemingly bad music things that we did

and put them together into something really bad. Two bad things coming together. Big Ups from London says, Zanesh, who made that. Thanks, Zanesh. I didn't think it was so bad. I thought it was actually pretty chill. What he did was he made a salad

out of the vegetables we grew. Right. We had rotten vegetables. Yeah, and he made a somewhat palatable salad. Yeah. I don't know how you did it. We won't get food poisoning. You covered it in dressing.

That's what you did. That's what the beets were. Oh, beets. We have to go. I love beets. We're hungry. I love beets in the microwave. Thank you, Zanesh, for creating that theme song.

If you have your own theme song, whether using voices that we've already recorded or ones that you'll make from scratch, send it to ifrushow at gmail.com. Good luck beating that. That was 80s chic. That was 80s chic? That was like the beginning to like a VHS, like a weird found footage. You're talking about that little slappy bass thing? Yeah.

You do you. I forgot I did that. We should do one episode that's just us saying rhymes, doing music. That way, like, it'll give him enough stuff to go for his next remix. That episode's all for Zanesh. Yeah. It'll be called episode, I don't know, probably 1080. Zanesh.

You think we'll get to episode 1,000? I think you'll die before. Well, why? I don't know. It's just a weird premonition I have. It'll be like in five years. You don't think I'll see my 38th birthday? No. Wouldn't that be great or interesting if i called it sorry interesting the way you the way you saved it was also bad

sorry not great interesting no also that's offensive strange i'm sorry I want you dead. Yeah. All your synonyms are just all so neutral to good. Yeah. Why don't you say, wouldn't that be awful? It was a full-on insult. My only pseudo-recovered it. Pseudo-recovery. Your other jam band. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that we host.

I'm logic. I'm chaos welcome to the future and welcome to the never was logic and i'm chaos our gay wrestling names why do they have to be gay because I want us to kiss every time we fight. It's sort of like the people's elbow, except when I jump over your body, I fall down and instead of hurting you, I kiss you. Yeah. Uh-oh, the people's lips. Here it goes. Oh, they kissed.

So how does this podcast work? We answer emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives they send us an email to ifireryoushow at gmail.com and then we'll

read these questions record our answers upload it to the internet and then people download it either via iTunes or podcast app

you are over explaining you can also stream it logic oh my god you're picking up a table. This is crazy. Chaos lives. All right.

You want to get to the first question? Yeah, let's do it. Numero uno. We need a guy's name. Crocodile Dundee. Oh, very good. Thank you. We should say we are going to Australia.

Yes. The tickets are now going to Australia. Yes. The tickets are now officially on sale. Right. You can purchase them. That's correct. We will be in Sydney. Of course. We will be in Melbourne. We'll be in Adelaide.

Oh my God, that's a war plane. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Do people ever scream in war? Like, if there's bullets, are you ever like, Holy!

Oh, it fucking clipped me. In Saving Private Ryan. Yeah. Everybody is just so heroic. Just because you're a soldier doesn't mean you're not scared of bullets. Yeah, well, I think it does. You're a hero at that point. Oh, so you no longer fear death in the way I do. Well, I guess

no. I think they well, I can only speak with some authority because I did a single tour in Vietnam. Absolutely you did not. You know what you did? You did a student tour. Yeah, I did a biking tour. In Viet Cong.

Ho Chi Minh City. Yes, I did go there. I also slept with a Vietnamese whore. You also had pho. Uh-huh. You had pho. I had pho once or twice. So I feel like I had a lot of pretty big Vietnam experience.

But they do training where they hear bullets and stuff a lot. So you're not like i wouldn't mean i'm desensitized i don't think you can ever really be i don't know but i think it's at like it's not like just all of a sudden guns blazing here in the backyard where we'd be screaming would you scream in a high-pitched voice if a gun if somebody there was just like guns going off right yeah no i'd be like, oh, oh. Loser. I'd be really badass about it.

Yeah, you'd be chaotic. I'd be like, get down. Get down, dude. Who are you talking to? To you, dude, because I want you to live. You just said that I would die. Yeah, I want you to die before the 1,000th episode, but not this early. So like in between what and the thousand. Still trying to get cash.

I want Nature Box money until episode 899. That's so specific. All right. This question comes from Crocodile Dundee. Hey, Jake and Amir. Love the show. I would love for you guys to get your own show someday. I know you don't usually answer questions from nice guys, but I'm really hoping you'll make an exception.

My girlfriend of over a year and a half broke up with me this Valentine's Day because I had become emotionally unavailable. A family friend recently passed away, and apparently me being sad was too much for my ex to handle. I later found out that my ex-girlfriend had been cheating on me with one of my supervisors at work. Anyways, on to my question. I recently got Tinder and began swiping right. Eventually, I met this really great girl named Holly, and we've been on a few dates since we began talking. Things are going great, but I want to lock her down. Would it be weird to ask her to be exclusive, but not boyfriend and girlfriend quite yet? I feel like things are going great,

but I'm not quite sure how to act and date after being reamed by my ex. To make life a bit shittier, I now have to see my ex and supervisor every day at work. Also, if you have time, my supervisor is now giving me especially dangerous positions and jobs to do at work. Besides quitting, what can I do about this? I work security at metal and rave shows. Thanks. Crocodile Dundee. Yes. Well, first you're gonna need a knife.

Oh, nice. Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy! Oi, oi, oi! Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy! Oi, oi, oi! Ozzy! Ozzy! I quit. I said. Fuck. Now I have to go on a solo mission. You were so stone cold slow as you were doing that.

Ozzy! Stop it. You're scary. You're some kind of weird trance. Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy! Oi, oi, oi! I think it's a soccer chant. At the very least, it's a pro-'s a soccer chant. At the very least,

it's a pro-Australia chant. At the very most, it's from the man show. Yeah. That's Ziggy Socky. Hoi, hoi, hoi. So, seems like this guy's not quite over his ex yet. Yeah. Well, also,

is boss giving him dangerous jobs? Yeah. Well, let's not focus on that quite yet. Fine. How about this first question? Would it be weird to ask her to be exclusive but not boyfriend and girlfriend quite yet? No, that's fine. Is it? Yeah.

You just say, are you sleeping with other people? And then she says yes or no. And then she asks if you are. And then you say, I am not. And then, I don't know. You could easily just be like, do you want to? But doesn't that mean you're boyfriend and girlfriend? I mean, basically.

But I don't think that you have to be like, I'm not going to sleep with somebody else, so I'm definitely not your boyfriend. Personally, I think that's really dumb. It seems like that's what boyfriend and girlfriend mean. Like once you define the relationship, you can't sleep with other people. It turns me like you can't sleep with other people. Right. I'm not your boyfriend though.

So like I don't understand what he wants. Yeah. I think he just doesn't. I guess he got reamed real hard and he doesn't want to be like moving too fast. He doesn't want to be like I have a girlfriend that I feel responsible for and that I feel like I have to support emotionally and physically, then I think if you don't want that, you can't say be exclusive. Yeah, because then you're not giving a person a boyfriend

or the opportunity to meet other boyfriends. Can I put you on hold? I don't really like it. You are asking to keep somebody in limbo when you're doing that. But I also think that you could say, hey, I want to have an exclusive relationship and move towards becoming a a nice healthy couple i've got trust issues that i want to work out but i think you're really great but i don't understand all this like labeling thing like when

do you become a boyfriend and girlfriend versus people who are dating versus exclusive versus not like do you have to define it or do you just have do you just see someone until you naturally one day be like oh yeah here's my girlfriend it's almost like negotiating a contract there's like how does this person want to deal with it right so like you might be dating any girl and she's like i want to be exclusive but i don't want to be like boyfriend and girlfriend because i don't want to introduce you to my friends this set this early i don't want to introduce you to my family that's something i do with boyfriends but like you know we're on this path and then other people might be closer to you is like if we're gonna say we're exclusive then sure we're boyfriend and girlfriend it doesn't

really matter right but i think that like people exist on this spectrum and when you're in a relationship you have to just like talk and see where you guys can where where the middle ground is do you ever have talks like that are you my girlfriend officially i think as i've gotten older those talks have just like dissipated and like if i get close enough to somebody then i pretty much know if she's sleeping with other people or not because you see them almost every day so i'm like i'm seeing you all the time and like we're texting so i know when you're like not i don't know i at this point i wouldn't ever want to have a talk that was like we're boyfriend and girlfriend now that's we're exclusive to me i think i would probably say like are you sleeping with anybody like let's i don't want to sleep with anybody or i only want to be with you and to me saying something like that to somebody is saying i

want you to be my girlfriend. Right. It seems like it's the same thing to me. But I also think, just to go to a next section of this question, it doesn't seem like he's over his last girlfriend quite so much considering his email about this current girlfriend is mostly about his ex-girlfriend. Yeah.

He just begins with a paragraph about her and then it goes back to her. Also, I keep on seeing my ex and the supervisor also he's making my life shitty it seems like he's not i don't yeah i definitely don't think you need to have a girlfriend at all right now so you might as well just keep on dating this girl and also just have fun you're a free man yeah you don't have to lock her down lock her down also seems like a negative thing definitely they could look listen to that language lock her down i don't want to be like reading this guy too hard though because he's he does sound like kind of nice yeah he's hurt he's hurt he's hurt he might even i don't want

to go so far as to say but he might be butt hurt i think he got butt hurt by his ex. So just be single for a while. Chill. Stop worrying about your ex. Stop worrying about the soups. And if you do want to be exclusive, then you are boyfriend and girlfriend, unfortunately. And if you're not comfortable with the dangerous positions you have at work, talk to your supervisor's supervisor. What is the dangerous position at a security? It's like security at a metal and rave show already seems dangerous. the middle of the mosh pit we need an eye we need an eye for the

mosh storm so basically those guys will just revolve around you and if anyone hits you or stabs you yeah that's fine yeah that's good you're sort of a dummy we know the band is rocking out hard so let us know if you break a rib. That way they're not breaking each other's ribs. You're more or less a scarecrow tonight. All right. Who wants to work the door? All right.

That's it. The end. We'll never think about this guy ever again. Jesus. All right. Number two. Do-do-doos. It's kind of dark.

Yeah. Dark but true. Bleak. Which city in Australia do you think will be the most fun? That's a really good question. I don't want to alienate anybody. Of course.

Where are we flying to first? Melbourne? Yeah. But I think our first show is not in Melbourne. Our first show is in Adelaide. Oh, is it? Yeah. And actually, I do believe that Adelaide was on the 52 places to visit the New York Times list this year.

Oh, shit. It was either Adelaide or Melbourne. We're going to find out. Yeah. And we'll let you know, New York Times. I'm excited to see all of them. I guess I'm really excited for the places that we have the're going to find out. Yeah. And we'll let you know, New York Times. I'm excited to see all of them. I guess I'm really excited for the places that we have the longest amount of time in, which are Melbourne and Sydney.

Right. But then I'm also excited because I don't know anything about Perth. And right now there's a lot of people listening in Perth. Yeah. I heard there's this town that's like an hour outside of Perth. They're like 40 minutes outside of Perth. Yeah, Sydney. We should go there. Sydney's like six hours away oh i see uh fuck i wish i remember

the name of it but it's like they called it the brooklyn of perth oh sounds cool brooklyn i want to go to every every city's brooklyn yeah the brooklyn of i want to go now we're the brooklyn of los angeles right and you used to live in the bro of New York. Yeah. How did Brooklyn just become like the spot where people... The cool altar city. Oh, this is the Brooklyn of Austin. Yeah. Wow. Because it has its own name.

You can't say like, oh, this is the East Austin of New York. It's called Brooklyn. Why is it always the east side that's cool? That's another question. Like East LA is cool. East Austin is cool. Brooklyn is east of New York. East Portland is's cool? That's another question. Like, east LA is cool. East Austin is cool. Brooklyn is east of New York. East Portland is also cool, I think.

Yeah. Maybe because west is where the water is, and that's the most expensive property. Perhaps. And as you get further away, I don't know. I'm not a demographer. Sorry. I am. I'm not a social geographer.

I can speak with some authority on this, i am a demographer that's it's actually a study of populations and people yeah during one of my tours in vietnam demographize the entire the entire place yeah the demography uh we need a second name for this email. Another guy's name. Perhaps another famous Australian. Liam Hemsworth. Very nice. I'm a 16-year-old high school student with a crush on a girl in my class. I'm pretty bad at talking to girls I like, so I don't really know what to flat out tell her. I feel like I'll just screw myself over. However, the other day I came up with an idea. Why don't I just use a burner number and pretend that I'm a friend of mine to text her and tell her that I like her? Should I do this?

Am I overthinking it? Cheers, Chris Hemsworth. You're underthinking it. Really? Yeah. He needs two burners. You need a burner burner. You need to clone her phone.

What? You need a phone cloner and a burner turner? I think you could clone her phone, text yourself, then respond from her phone. So she thinks that she sent a couple of the texts and she reads them over. She says, oh, I guess I do like Liam Hemsworth. And then you're in. You think a phone cloner would lead to a boner? I really do think sonar.

Really? I guess he should use sonar, which is how dolphins communicate. For this loner? What is his plan? He doesn't want to be... He doesn't want to ask his own friends to text her to say, I like you.

Right. He doesn't trust them. Okay. So instead, he's going to text her... He wants to be in control of the situation so he's gonna text her a a a a triple a sign up today this episode is brought to you by triple a he's gonna send her a message from his phone saying or from a burner phone which is like a phone that he's gonna get hey this is, this is Chris Hemsworth. Okay.

What do you think of my friend Liam? I heard he likes you. And then the problem with your theory is that she's going to be more honest than she would be if she was talking to you directly. So I think it's a little dangerous because you run the risk of her saying, oh, yeah, no, I don't like him. He's not my type. He's unattractive. And then you're like, oh, I want to kill myself.

So it's better to approach the girl. It's better to say, hey, will you go out with me? Then she won't be like, you're ugly to me. She'll be like, I'm busy. And that's how you know that you're ugly to her. Oh, so it's almost better to text her directly because that way she'll at the very least be polite yeah and maybe even give you a chance that's another option maybe she'll be into the fact that you're straightforward with her

yeah but i mean the fact that you're even considering this weird plan makes me question everything about you um have you ever you've gone to silly lengths to text a girl though, haven't you? Yes. Mm. I think, yeah, I have. Like, oh, text her for me. A guy to text a girl for you. Um, I'm trying to think.

We did something like that. Yeah. But that was like. It was for you. I don't think I've ever done anything like that. But it was a girl that I didn't know. Right. I was like, oh, try to set me up.

Hey, dude, number one, try to set me up with girl. And he's like, what should I say? And then I had a conversation with you, Jake, on my phone. And you changed your name to George on my phone so that I can like send you fun texts as if I'm sending it to George. Then we screen capped it, sent it to George and George sent it to a girl. Right. So it was as if you like,

so we construct, I had two phones. Yeah. So I was texting me from your phone and responding, but I was in your phone as George. So like, so it looked when we took the screenshot that it was a conversation between you and George. Then I sent that to George.

It was like the perfect conversation. Like so-and-so is super beautiful. Like tell me everything about it, whatever. It was really nice. And then good responses from George and good responses from me because we were just scripting it out. Right.

Exactly. And then we sent that to George. Right. And said, send that to the girl. And as she reads it, it's like, Oh wow,

this is like a, this guy, Amir said some beautiful things about me. Yeah. It's all seems off the cuff and like pretty innocent. Right., it's like, oh, wow, this is like this guy Amir said some beautiful things about me. Yeah. This all seems off the cuff and like pretty innocent. Right. But I guess like at that point, what you were doing was very thoughtful, even more so than she could have ever thought. Because I didn't steal her number, ask George for her number.

Yeah. I mean, I think there's a there's a the difference is that it's like playful and fun that we constructed this thing to try to get you a date. This guy wants to get a secret phone so he can manipulate. It's all, maybe it is all the same. Well, to be fair, our ploy didn't work. Right. So maybe that's a good heads up to this guy. I think at the very least, don't take it all upon yourself.

You need actual, like I would ask one of her friends to talk to her. One of her friends who's warm towards you. You say, hey, I like your friend. And then she could give you a better sell than like some random friend of yours asking. Right. You need an in. You need a foot in the door. Yeah.

What was I going to say? Oh, this going up to friends or saying can you go up to her it feels like it's a very young person thing isn't it like isn't that like a high school type deal like oh does this person like me i feel like this that doesn't happen at our age right no it doesn't i guess i remember being in like high school and like going on aim and pretending i was another person and say like uh jake has a crush on you i think i did that but maybe i didn't sent from big 85 jake no it's not my screen name and actually i'm not going to tell you my screen name because i think it's still active so it's still logged into a public library in New Haven, Connecticut. Man, yeah, I don't know.

I just think that to do everything on your own in this sort of creepy way is worse if it comes out. Yeah, that would be the worst. You went and got a burner. Versus even just borrowing one of your friend's phones and sending the text is slightly less creepy. Or just get your friend to do it. Yeah. Then he's actually doing it. Just like bring people in. I don't know.

Maybe he doesn't have any friends. It's possible. This girl's going to love him. I got zero friends, a burner phone, and a good attitude. I think be nice to her a lot and maybe she'll start to have feelings for you, either friendship or otherwise. Then you talk to one of her friends and you say, hey, I like hey i like so and so and then they'll give you the lowdown because they know her better than your friends the end i don't know i hope that works i'm not in high school brah you are hooking up with a high schooler is that fair to say yeah do you care about talking about that well i'll it's yeah sure it's it's it's it's it's it's it's she she she she

she's old she's old enough she's 17 enough enough about it i won't hear this she's texting you no we communicate on kick kik she says snapchats for old fogies No, we communicate on kick. K-I-K. She says Snapchat's for old fogies. All right. Question the three. Ooh, we need a girl's name. Is Naomi Watts an Australian woman?

I do believe so. I do. I really want to believe that. I do believe she is. Yeah yeah she's actually pretty hot for for a hot for an actor yeah an actress actually like a lot of actresses are just good at acting but for her to be hot too is actually misha barton is another one who was hot and an actor actually she wasn't as good as acting as Naomi Watts yeah no what about Naomi Campbell no Campbell is I think just mostly a model she's hot about Campbell's soup Campbell's soup is it's like a snack so let's say you want a soup or something you get a can of Campbell's soup

what about Naomi DeGeneres who is a girl I went to high school with. Oh, I was... No, that's totally different too. She's not hot or nasty. She's not soup either. I'll give you one more question because you seem confused. What about J.J. Watt? Okay. J.J. Watt's a male football player. Okay.

All right. Cool. You got it? So which one is the soup? J.J. Oh, no, no, no. You don't got it. Watt.

I didn't say no because he didn't say Watt. When you clarified it. Final answer no, no. You don't got it. Watt. I didn't say no because he didn't say Watt. When you clarified it. Final answer. I know. And I was hoping it wasn't. All right. Campbell Soup writes.

No. Naomi Watts writes. Oh, hey, y'all. I'm 22 and I live at home but commute to school. I'm naturally a neat person. But like everyone else, my room and closet get messy when things get crazy. Since before I graduated high school,

I've been smoking weed. My mom was totally cool with it. I've even smoked with my mom a handful of times. I throw a lot of parties and have chill people at my house. Well, suddenly last night my mom decided that I can't smoke in my room anymore and she insists that I keep my room clean because apparently I've changed,

and I'm not the best daughter she raised. She kept saying that I'm acting like a child because my room isn't up to her standards. How do I have her go back to the way things were before she got fed up with the way I live my life? She says that if I don't clean out my room and keep smoking weed she's gonna charge me rent or kick me out this is all so sudden sheesh thanks naomi watts doesn't it sound like this is like one of those things where you're getting an extra 500 in your paycheck and then you find out about then like the boss finds out and they just cut it off and like oh we're gonna back to your regular paycheck yeah and then and then you were like how do i go back

to getting an unnecessarily good situation i didn't deserve well this is a little different because it's like uh you were you got demoted it's like you had a job that paid you 60 grand and you weren't doing good and then after four years of not doing good they finally say like listen we can't afford to pay you that much and then you're like can i go back to the old one i want the salary and i don't want the responsibility right no you had that and you took advantage of it and now after four years i'm sort of fed up it's fine to do things when you're 17 and kind of less i can't believe i don't meet your standards. Also, you're five years older from when the standards were established. So, yeah, you're 22 now. So at 22, it's not quite the same to still be having parties,

smoking weed in your room, and... Hanging out with 17-year-olds. She's still hanging out with high schoolers. Kind of like you and your high school girlfriend. Enough about that. Karen. What? K-A-Y-R-I-N.

I don't think there's a single young girl named Karen anymore. They're all older. Unfortunately, it seems like we're on Team Mom. Yeah. You've been smoking for five years. She's not even telling you to stop smoking in general. She's just saying not in your room. And also's not definitely okay like this is all reasonable mom things she was being really really cool for a while yeah and now like you're there's not she's not asking a lot

of you to keep your room pretty neat as long as things don't get too crazy what does that even mean just don't let them get so out of hand that your room becomes a pigsty. Oh, my God. I'm a father. I'm a father. I mean, you're incredibly neat. Were you like that in high school, too? I don't.

I was never like. Yeah, I think so. But I never had. I'm much neater now than when I was in high school. When I was in high school, I didn't think about it. I think I was just neat in general. Like you put clothes away on the floor. Yeah.

No, I put them away in the drawers. But unfolded. Of course, I folded them. Oh. But like – I mean nothing – no, I was very neat always. So this isn't a new thing. You didn't grow up and become clean. But I think – it wasn't until after I left my house that I realized I was very neat. So this isn't a new thing. You didn't grow up and become clean. But I think,

I think it wasn't until after I left my house that I realized I was neat. And then I embraced that about myself, I guess. Yeah. Like when I was in, when I was in high school, I was just like, Oh yeah.

Like everything's fine. Are you even a human? I was just like a piece of dough, nothing. And then I went to college and I had like messy roommates and I was like, Oh, I don't like that. Yeah. I don't like that yeah i don't i i choose to reject this lifestyle and make it myself cleaner you seem like the worst roommate ever just

standing in the living you walk into the living room while all your friends are playing video games and eating pizza standing with your feet so close together they're touching i choose to reject this lifestyle and i'll embrace another yeah go fuck yourself erwitz i choose to reject this lifestyle and i'll embrace another yeah go fuck yourself erwitz i choose to reject your insult and choose to embrace another i'll keep my area tidy i know where my band-aids are i keep them in a cupboard under the sink unlike y'all uh so change right yeah i and she's not asking for a huge change. I think you could use this opportunity as a time to become slightly better. You're older.

You're in college. You should maybe try to keep a cleaner room and make your mom happy because she's your mother. And she's also a housing agent. Listen to your mother. Damn it. That's not like I'm a dad, right? Listen to your mother. Listen to your – how would you say that to your kids?

You don't want to say like, listen to your mother. you how would you say that to your kids uh you don't say like listen to your mother yeah listen oh come on listen to listen to mom listen to mom mom listen to mom i would listen to your mother yeah that's what i'd say like nice compliment i'm not gonna hey you know what i had a teacher in sixth grade mr staten mr s if you're out there if you're listening yeah no you're not but he used to, there was one teacher that yelled at everyone. And Mr. Staten was really cool. He was like, I'm not going to yell at you. I'm just going to take away your recess.

Oh, no. That's the kind of dad I want to be. So Mr. T is screaming at everybody. So you learned how to be a father from your eighth grade teacher. Sixth grade. Not from your old man. No, my old man. My dad's... He's...

You know, he's a backpacker. He's a pumpkin. He's absolutely a jack-o'-lantern. He's a squash. Yep. Jack of all trades. My dad is actually a jack-o'-lantern of no traits. Jack-o'-lantern with no traits. Yeah, very good. He will eat a candle and his face

will illuminate. That is his Halloween. Boo! You scared me. Because I realized I'm the person that looks up to you. I don't think so. Boo. Yeah, why don't you treat this ultimatum as a turning point, a fork stuck in the road. You know what I mean?

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. Wow, what is this? So make the best of this test and don't ask why. This is amazing. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

Wow. Could you take it from there? I don't know what would come next, but honestly, don't quote what would come next, but... Honestly, I don't... Don't quote me on this. Right. Just right off the top of my head, I would be like,

girls to do the dishes, girls to do the laundry, girls in the bathroom, girls to clean up my room, girls, girls, girls, girls. Jack and Mike D to my dismay. I could see why they'd apologize for that song. Makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, because part of it just says, girls to do the dishes, girls to do the laundry. Offensive. Absolutely not okay, Ad-Rock. Listen to your mother. All right, let's take a break. And then we'll come back with more shit right after these. Yes, I have to pee so bad.

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Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

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June 9th. Wednesday, June 10th, Melbourne. Thursday, June 11th, Sydney. That's our biggest show. Friday, June 12th, Brisbane. Is it Brisbane or Brisbane? Let's find out when we get there. Okay.

That show only has, it's a room for one. They said it was the size of a phone booth. Are you kidding me? Yeah. How are we going to get in? We're on the outside and we call it and he picks up and this guy, I guess, listens to the show. Jesus. Yeah.

And then, wow, that took me aback. And then Sunday, June 14th, our last show at the Astor in Perth. I don't know what goes on in Australia. I can only assume we're going to eat animals that we've never heard of. Perhaps I hear good things about Vegemite. I don't know if that's a fruit or a vegetable. I thought people all hated it. No.

It's very polarizing. I think non-Australians hate it. Oh. I thought people all hated it. No. It's very polarizing. I think non-Australians hate it. Oh. So if we want to act like we're blending in, we have to eat it and then be like, oh, this is actually pretty good. I like it. Can't wait. Yeah.

The problem is I don't even like hard to eat American foods like beer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think beer is too bitter. You hate beer. So what am I going to do when I have Vegemite? I can only imagine it's bitter or salty. You had an orange once and you said it was really bad. I said it burned my eyes.

I saw you eat just bread, just regular bread. White bread. Yeah, and you said no. Yeah. Pass. It was too rough on my tongue. What do you usually eat? I'll have like boiled milk.

What? I'll have a glass of boiled milk. Excuse me? And like for dessert. Yeah, so I'll have a glass of boiled milk. Excuse me? And or like for dessert. Oh, yeah. So I'll have a glass of boiled milk for dinner and then dessert. I'll have like a rice that's cooked.

So much mush, like a rice meal. Oh, so like just really milky, chunky substances. What about meat? Do you ever have? No,

meat burns, meat burns my throat. Okay. I, everything, everything I my throat. Okay. What do you have for breakfast? Everything I have is boiled down and then left out in room temperature. Sort of like gruel left to cool. I would say my diet is predominantly cool gruel. At school, I would dine on cool gruel.

That sounds cruel, but I guess you liked it. It was cruel. At school, it was crueline on cool gruel. That sounds cruel, but I guess you liked it. It was a cruel, at school it was cruel to have cool gruel, but when I was at home, I would listen to Dave Grohl, and I would just eat the cool gruel. And it wasn't cruel. Didn't make you drool? It did make me drool. What did it do to your stool? Very good.

It would solidify it. Wow. Hard, dense shits. Last question. Let's do this. series of does and nots and then oh we need a guy's name a male Australian Patrick Rafter very good thank you very very good

isn't Leighton Hewitt also Australian common misconception he's Dutch I had no idea. All right. Patrick Rafter writes, Hey guys, love this show. Been a listener since day one and I find myself in a bit of a pickle.

Here's the deal. A few months back, this girl started texting me out of the blue. This has never happened to me, so I wasn't sure how to react, but because I wasn't that interested in her, I used the Jake fadeaway. Fast forward,

and she is now going out with one of my mates, and I know I kind of blew my chance, and I still want to stay friends with my mate, but is there any room for maneuverability? That's how it ends? Is there any room for maneuverability? I know I told this girl to go fuck herself, and I,

she is dating my friend, but what's the policy re-wiggle room? this girl to go fuck herself and i she is dating my friend but what's the policy uh re wiggle room your honor i plead maneuverability i was wondering if i can maneuver if i had the ability to maneuver can we just sort of shuffle this whole thing up you like him he likes you but i like you and you don't like me, but let's switch. You liked me earlier. Is that a maneuver we have the ability to complete? Imagine this is like a boggle. Can we execute this maneuver? Like the beginning

of a boggle match where you shake shit up and see where it lands. It does sound a bit like a boondoggle here. You think so? He's in quite a boondoggle. Would you say? I don't know. I don't know what that means. So it's hard for me to commit one way or another. Sort of boondoggle, would you say? I don't know. I don't know what that means. So it's hard for me to commit one way or another. Sort of boondoggle is a, it's a mired situation. Oh, he's mucked in a mired situation.

He's in a mired situation. I don't admire. I don't admire the muck. So what can we do? What can we do to help? I don't admire the muck. So, Sire, what the fuck do we do? Nice. Is there a profession I can go into that's all rhyming based?

I think you're as close as... That's not rap. Because I don't know how to do it to a beat. I was going to say, this is probably as close as you can get. Dumb comedian? Yeah. Fair. That way, you still do stuff that people consume for whatever reason and then you get

to do the raps occasionally the little bursts of rhymes we get into slam poetry because then you could sort of go at your own pace you don't need a beat uh i don't think there's wiggle room if you did the jake fade away that means you ignored a girl assuming she'll go away forever instead she actually found someone she liked your friend and now you want her back right what are your reasons also for wanting her after she started dating your friend are they is it like when a little brother doesn't want to play a video game until the big brother does and then he desperately craves the remote and then he gets it back and then he's bored and wants the big brother to beat the video game for him anyway wow you know that exactly because you were the little brother because i was the boyfriend uh he just wants what other people have yeah i would

say there's no maneuverability so that is a funny word spelled maybe correctly there's a lot of vowels in that when he did let me let me try to spell it i don't know he probably spelled it incorrectly let me i can look it up this is uh okay maneuverability all right so i would spell it wait this is like a a uh spelling bee right i by the way i spelled it correctly i searched google and i got it right really after after it filled it in when you got to the U? Oh, go fuck yourself. I will. There is no U. Yeah, right.

All right, let's hear it. Maneuverability. Oh, shit, you're stuck. Oh, shit. So after you're done, if you don't hear anything, you got it right. If I say ding, you got it wrong. Really? Yeah. say ding you got it wrong really yeah m a n e u v e r a b i l i t y

really you got it i thought you were doing like a late ding. Ding! What? No, you got it. Really? Nice. Can I give you two other words that I find hard to spell? Sure. Omelette.

Hmm. I guess I would think O-M-E-L-L-E-T-T-E. Incorrect. Oh, wait. That's another spelling of it. Nice. Okay, so we will accept that. The way it's spelled here is O-M-E-L-E-T.

Very short. Oh, yeah, no. I think I'm spelling it just the way I see it on a menu. The French way. All right, one last word I can never spell correctly. Privilege. Oh. Oh? Dang.

I think privilege. The word is privilege. Can you use it as a sentence? Privilege is spelled D-R-E-I-V-E-L-E-d-g-e-r-e privilege oh no i see how i messed up i will show myself out uh all right privilege let's hear it i can never spell this from the latin word privil which means to just kidding that's what they say right yeah? Yeah, yeah. The origin is Middle English. All right. P-R-I-V-I-L-I-G-E.

Privilege. Ding. Very close, though. Is it P-R-I-V-I-L-E-G-E? Yes. Damn it. You idiot! This is why I won my fourth grade spelling bee. Really?

No, I won the spelling bee to get me into the main spelling bee in the cafeteria. In Maine? You won the main spelling bee? I feel like I won the class spelling bee and then lost the school spelling bee. Oh, you won your classroom spelling bee. Right, and there were several classrooms, and then I went on to lose. To regionals. Yeah, and I lost on the easiest word. I lost on the word original.

First word. Do you know how to spell it now? I'll never forget. O-R-A-O-N-G-L. Oreganole. I do. I think about it every single time I spell it. All right.

Oh. So what would you tell this guy? No go? It's over. Yeah, no room for maneuverability. But you know what? There's lots of other people. So maneuver a different direction than this relationship.

Lucky you. You can maneuver alone. Good news. Yeah, there's billions of relationship. Lucky you. You can maneuver alone. Good news. Yeah. There's billions of others out there waiting. Three-way maneuver. Yeah. And they're not even dating one of your mates.

Yeah. People are so dumb when they're just like, oh, there's only this one person. And I have to have that one person. I'll wait for that one person. And I'll try to destroy his or her relationship because she's the one very unnecessary everybody is disposable like if my mom uh broke up with my dad he'd be fine well i think at certain points there's a lot of oh history and i mean they have children so it would be hard okay oh fuck me all right damn it i've been here in high school it's a little i need

to unsend an email for sure i do i i told my mom about my dad's affair i shouldn't have done that it wasn't even real i photoshopped shit to make it look like it was legit uh all right sorry dude pass no go uh that's it that's our episode thanks for listening uh if you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, your own thumbnail submissions, please send them to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We open and close every episode with an original theme song written by our talented fans.

The first one was written by Zanesh. This last one is by Adam W. Adam W. Very nice. We'll be back soon. See W. Very nice. We'll be back soon. See you guys. Bye. Yo, so I need help.

I can't figure this shit out. Swag. By myself, I'm betting Jake and Amir share their wealth of knowledge on a subject that advice so motherfucking good. But I digress. I know J and A

gonna read into the subtext after my question. They'll say, who's next? And make up some silly name. Your know J and A gonna read into the subtext. After my question, they'll say, who's next? And make up some silly name. Your boys Jake and Amir now running the podcast game. Hashtag swag. I came and I saw and I had some questions. Got fat sounds like mad eruptions.

Amir equals the levels like swag production. If it wasn't for them, then I wouldn't know how to do nothing The pinch recommends what's a cinch to do If it ever comes to exes, their sex is true Now there's only one thing left to do Welcome to If I Were You