Segments - 144: Heart to Heart (w/Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

Comedian/Friend Thomas Middleditch is back to discuss friendship, art, and video games! This episode is brought to you by DraftKings.com and DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, I'd eat a bunch of poo. Roll it in a ball and put it in my pants. Hey, I've just eaten my own poo, but it previously was your own poo. If I were you. Go Jake.

Yeah. Yo, if I were you, I'd eat your pee. You're not me, why would you eat pee? Can I have pee? Why can't you see? Let's drink pee. Thomas' pee. Now it's Amir's turn. If I were you, don't eat anything. Don't go to the mall with Scooby-Doo.

Don't solve some mysteries with a Mr. P or a Mr. T. Because I pity the fool who doesn't go to school. So stay in school. And that's our rap. Stay in school. Thank you, everybody. Welcome to the show. A little explanation.

If you're listening at home, we're recording. No need to explain anything. Okay, let's get started. That made sense to everybody uh we're recording this at south by south by southwest in austin a few people to thank thomas for this is his idea this whole thing is your your yeah here we are coming at you live premium platinum lounge just say what at the Vimeo Hut. So let's start that again.

I'm going to say thank you, Thomas. And you say, yeah. It's good to be here. Thanks to be here. Reggie Watts coming out later. You didn't say that. You didn't say what we told you to say. Thank you to Vimeo for housing us.

This whole studio is their creation. They're paying for it. We're not paying anything. Thank you to Vimeo's money yeah hey uh alex sexton who brought the microphones and camera to help uh record this whole thing so thank you alex you wanted me to give a shout out to his dog his dog batman yes and then also oh batman not batman that wouldn't make any sense itman. Well, you know, dachshunds have back troubles. Is he a dachshund?

Well, if he was, then maybe he had back troubles. You call him Backman! Yeah! Also, thank you to Bethany. And remind me the website one more time. Lost in Reviews. Lost in Reviews. We tweeted that we needed cameras and microphones,

and Bethany was the first one to get back to us. So thanks, Bethany. Thank you. Word. All right, whatany. Thank you. Word. All right. What is this? What are we doing here? This is just a classic of FireU.

Yeah. Setting the premium platinum Vimeo hut here at South by Southwest. Later on, we got Reggie Watts. We don't have a lot here. We got the ghost of Don DeLuise coming at you. I fear you're overpromising, and we're going to under coming at you. I fear you're over-promising. And we're going to deliver. We deliver.

This is an advice podcast. So we get emails to ifrvissue at gmail.com. People are in need of our advice. And sometimes Jake and I give it. And sometimes we have a friend. And sometimes that friend is T-Middle Ditch. T-Squiddle Snurch. I can't wait to sink. T. Tea squiddle snurch. I can't wait to sink my teeth into a good helping of advice. You like the advice part of the show. I do. Yeah.

Because I like it. It's just us girls and guys chatting and gabbing. Chatting, gabbing, chilling. Chilling, maxing. Yeah, relaxing all cool. We're recording this on video, too. So if you want to watch it later in this week, we're going to put it on our YouTube channel. Are we going to be able to watch the whole thing or just little bits and bobs? The whole fucking thing. Filthy That's perfect It's funny when it cuts off early Can you make any beat with that thing?

Uh huh Alright let's get started As long as they already made it over there Yeah I can try pressing other buttons Here we come now Here we come now It's disgusting

Get filthy All your raps are about getting filthy And eating poop Yeah dude Like it's not even get filthy Like sexual It's about getting filthy And eating poop Yeah, dude Like, it's not even get filthy, like, sexual It's like get filthy, roll up poop, and pee Yeah, man, get nasty It's really gross, though Ain't nobody got time for that

Hey, Rodney, it's just a ba-dum-tish Okay, it's just a ba-dum-tish Got it, here we go No, because it doesn't work If I do a joke Got it, got it, got's just a ba-dum-tish, okay? It's just a ba-dum-tish. Got it, here we go. No, because it doesn't work. If I do a joke... Got it, got it, got it. You know. Here we go.

Well, just wait for the joke. Okay. A, that's way too early. Okay. And B? And B, it's not just ba-dum-tish, okay? No, that's tish-tish, boom-boom-tish. Okay.

It's a lot of tish-tish and boom-booms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, here we go. A nun, a priest, and an alligator walk into a bar. Ouch! You've got to wait for the... I did, I did. I heard ouch, which I think was the punchline, right?

No, okay. A nun, a priest, and an alligator walk into a bar. Ouch! That's very close. That's surprisingly close. So I have the job. Yeah. Oh, yes.

All right. You want to answer some questions? Yeah. Just jump right in. Can we explain what it was? We answer questions. Yeah. I think I did that.

Isn't this episode 400? This is officially episode 400. We skipped 320 episodes over here. All right. We need a guy's name. Thomas, can you give us a guy's name oh um marvin uh sholgowitz your lawyer cpa hey guys here's the problem i'm a 21 year old welsh lad and i've been best friends with my brother from another mother for several years. We grew up as kids together, and to be honest, I love that son of a bitch.

However, I live in Wales, and he moved to London a while ago, and every time he visits Wales or I go to London, we always meet up and go for a pint or a bite to eat. But recently, he's got a girlfriend. Now, don't get me wrong, she's a lovely girl, but that bitch is stealing my best bud. The last two times he's been down to Wales, I've barely seen him. The most recent

of which, he didn't even text me to say he was down here. We made plans to do stuff like two weeks before he headed down, but when he came, it was nothing but radio silence. Help me out, guys. What am I supposed to do? Love, Solomon Shulskiewicz?

Marvin Shulskiewicz. Yes. Oogie boogie. love solomon shulskowitz uh marvin marvin shulwitz oogie boogie just put them sharp absolutely uh have you ever encountered such a thing i've been that guy which guy marvin and his friend marvin where it's like where my friend why are we hanging out yeah but then again i've also been the other guy right and when you're the other guy you're like oh the marvin's being a wiener like i like a girl that was where i just went marvin's a little bit of a wiener oh i would want to tell him to relax am i alone well you would want to and you and you're okay in saying that appreciate that but you know you gotta take care of marvin's feelings because mar Marvin misses you. Oh, all right, cool. So I'll be the friend.

I'll be Marvin. All right. I'll be Welsh. Yeah, this is a classic Welsh. So we're in Wales. Yeah. I miss you. Oh, you think Welsh people are just cavemen

from London, I guess. Well, do you guys hibernate when you have girlfriends? Isn't that a common thing? Like once you were in a relationship, it's like, oh, I haven't seen my friends in six months. You hunker down for just a little bit. You don't go away forever. You intertwine, you go in. Yeah, just for six months where you get to know everybody and alienate all,

or you get to know one person and alienate all your friends, and then you come out of your hibernation. Because he's also got double duty with Johnny Awesome going to London Town. Well, here's the problem. I clean them chimney sweeps. Johnny Awesome going to London Town. Double duty. Yeah, double duty.

God, you're cool. I teach you how to talk. I teach you how to speak to you. The problem is you have a new girlfriend and an old best friend, and who would you rather let down? Probably the old best friend because he's like, I'm committed. I'm invested. I have like a history with this friendship.

So you can let down your old friend and he'll still be there. You can't let down your new girlfriend. That's like a very fragile, it's like an injured bird. Yeah, and the injured Bjork. Injured Bjork. Injured Bjork. Isn't that a dangerous attitude to have, to be like,

I can let down my old friend because he'll always be there. Well, bro's gotta understand. Bro's gotta understand. Right, that's what I'm saying. I'm more along with lines of like,

this guy needs to shape up and be like, supportive of his friend in the relationship. Because he doesn't have a giner and the girl does. Oh, so you think it's-

That's a major difference between him and the girl. How's that? Well, do you wanna? I guess. Have you guys not talked about this? the girl does oh that's a major difference between him and the girl how's that well do you want to i guess have you guys not talked about this um google vagina on your phone what is that v-h-e google vagina is that a hap siri siri google vagina siri show me your vagina oh my god it's the lady who plays Siri. She's done soft core porn. She's beautiful.

Well, also, I feel like Marvin might have an interesting new perspective should he finally meet a dame or a lass, as he might say in Wales. I've been sad for four months straight. Of course. God, I'm so sorry to hear that um you really sorry he meets alas and suddenly he's like oh now i'm intertwined in the lady yeah so he's jamaican yeah welsh and um and then he might he might gain some perspective because it's nice to fall in love especially with a pretty pretty lady with the tatsas and the tts it's hard isn't it it's hard i mean i think we've all been in love with ladies

with tts and tatas yeah sure i guess i've been in love with a lady with tts and tatas but it's hard to balance that new relationship with old friendships do you just ignore your i think you have to be like you know what i accept what you're going through and you take a step back you're like my friend's gonna disappear for a couple months to a year. A year? Yeah. Maybe. A year flies by.

He barely sees this dude anyway. They only hang out in Wales. They should have broken up months or years ago. They only see each other a couple times a year in Wales? That's fine. Forget it. You're done. They're not your friend anyway.

I think so. So what's your advice to this guy? Get over it or have a talk with your friend? Definitely don't have a talk. Oh, it's such a weird thing for a guy to have a talk with me about a friendship. Hey, man. We don't see enough of each other. I've had that talk given to me and it is awkward.

I think if you ever have that talk, you should bring it up as if you were a construction worker. Like, hey, bro, come on. We got to hang out a little bit come on you'll sit down and say hey i have something to talk to you about yeah yeah no auntie don't do that please wait what was that no no no no please that's also welsh no oh believe that's malaysian so you mean just tell just tell your friend that in a joking way rather than actually sitting down and having a gentle ribbing. I don't think you don't even need to do a joke. You can do it real, but just don't be like,

hey, man, we need to talk. Like, that's no bueno. Then suddenly he's in another relationship with a male friend platonically. Nah. Not worth it. Well, it's worth it. You can have heart-to-hearts.

You can have heart-to-hearts with your male friends. I don don't know if someone tried to have a heart to heart with me i'd be like no really i don't i think so wait let me check yeah i'm sure of it i would not have a heart to heart with a friend you'd never have a heart to heart i think i definitely deflected you host a show or it's advice about potential personal problems that are deep and affected, and you'll never have a heart-to-heart. You're right, you're right, you're right. You guys talk. I'm going to retreat into myself for a second.

I mean, I'm too, I'm like kind of incapable of being emotionally intelligent enough to have a very serious heart-to-heart with a male counterpart. You guys. That's actually, put the beat back on. Heart-to-heart with a male counterpart. You guys. That's actually, put the beat back on. Heart to heart with a male counterpart? We spent too much time apart. Be my male counterpart. It's like when you have a heart to heart.

Is this crazy? This turned into like slam poetry. That's what Jake's really good at. Because I can't do anything to a beat. Yeah, and you can't go fast enough. Slam poetry is like for rappers. You winked at me right beat yeah and you can't go fast enough slam poetry is like for rappers you winked at me right you can't go fast enough you know what i mean hello i'm here let's answer the next question

you would you would say get over it? Bottle up your emotions inside and you'll see your friend in a year? Yeah, I think everything's going to work out fine. You'd do great in that steel mill we've been talking about. Oh, nice. I couldn't even tell it was an insult until you guys high-fived. That's not a high-five, you ding-dong.

Now go join the baseball team or get out of my lawn. Get out of my lawn? Yeah, man, it's enclosed. You think I'm going to leave this up to the sun? Ding-dong. It could be enclosed and still be under the sun. You're both out of here.

You know what? Both of yous join the baseball team. You're calling everybody ding-dongs all day. Get out of my lawn or I'm calling the coppers. I'm not in your lawn. But I'm tished. That's all it is it is absolutely and i will for the next one um well i don't know i think i think if it's really eating you up if you were if i were you if i were you what would you do okay you had a friend great friend he had a lady friend and he just didn't see he didn't call you when he visited la if it was if it was truly truly

to put yourself in like if i had a friend if i had a friend and they were like hey we don't wait fuck if i had a friend and he got a girlfriend and they didn't see me anymore i would just be like fine that's okay there's no friend that you would go and make another friend but do you say that now will you be my friend sir i lost my friend maybe you're being a ding dong well now look, you're a handsome, charming man with oodles and oodles of confidence. Appreciate that. Appreciate that. Amir, what do you have to say about me?

We're just... Okay. You're also older, a little wiser. This man's 21. No. Oh, sorry. You're talking about me. Way off.

His name is Marvin. I just said, oh, yeah. Just had my 82nd birthday. Just did a podcast. This guy in the question is 21. Yeah, Herman, Mervin. He's a little bit younger. Maybe this is his one true boy. No.

Don't say I'm fucking scared of the moon. I'm not. That's it. That's perfect. Pirate on LSD. I don't understand That's it. That's perfect. Pirate on LSD? I don't understand what that was. So the thing is, there's a pirate door. Hey.

Welcome, friends. So people are going to be coming in and out. It's fun. It's casual. It's friendly. Let's make sure that never happens again, though. Anything can happen at the South by Southwest Platinum Premium Video. Of course, but let's make sure it never does

Alright, man, next up Let's do this one more One time before we Let's move on after we take a vote Because there's about like nine people in this room No, let's just move on Alright, question number two No, no, no, let's take a vote

Let's take a vote Would you have a talk? I think you can bring it up Just don't do If you feel like it's going to start off with like, hey man, we need to talk, then you're doing it right. The question is this.

You live in New York. Bring it up versus find a new friend. You live in New York and you have a friend who lives in LA and he has a girlfriend in New York and he visits the girl. I got more though. Okay.

You can't give him the- We're not going to address this? We're not just going to be fine? So bizarre. We can't. God, I got get your attention you can't tell him though to sort of be like i need to see more time with i need to have more time with you that's weird you can just sort of express it and say hey man i miss you i miss you oh bollocks, mate. Nice. Thanks. I can't see you because I'm cleaning them chimneys. We're dog shit. Yeah, man.

I cannot see you, man. I cannot see you, man. Wait, so what's the vote? Oh, have a conversation versus find a new friend. All right, so have a conversation. Raise your hand. Women. Thank you, women.

Well, they're all off camera, so one. Two, three, four. Thank you, women. Well, they're all off camera, so one. Two, three, four. Find a new friend. Oh, wow. Four. Shit, it's legit split. But I want the first group. It was all ladies and a tender man.

I think it's safe to say he's a tenderman. Well, yeah. Brian Tenderman. This question came from a dude about a dude. So all the dudes dudes they voted no conversation find a new friend the question the the podcast is what would you do if you were you if i were you so you thomas would have a wrong answer so there's no answer to give there's definitely no wrong answer but i got the answer that was corroborated by the machine what would you would have a talk

you would not i would probably not i think it's okay to express it but you just can't be like hey i want to i need to spend more time with you because then that's I think it's okay to express it, but you just can't be like, hey, I need to spend more time with you, da-da-da, because then that's just intense. Yeah, and it makes him feel bad for having a lady friend. Yeah, and he shouldn't. You should be happy that he's found love.

That's what I'm saying. It's just a little backwards. I know. I understand. And I'll get it next time. Okay, thank you. And after a joke, right? Yeah.

New question? Just wait for the punchline. New question. Let's get a round of applause. It's fun to have applause. Yeah, good why not applause break we could sort of ask for whatever yeah i you know it's weird it's because you had just this is all this is weird like we're chatting like oh we're having a conversation the weed brownie but there's this yeah man it's like the bachelor oh no no no no let me read this guy he's not in

it for love he's in it for the wrong reasons there's right reasons yeah this season okay so no there's like he's matched on to me i love it there's okay so we're having a conversation welcome welcome welcome and then but then's intimate, it's about advice, and then every time you glance over, there's people watching. Yeah, yeah. Because usually when we record this, a lot of people hear it, but we don't actually see them hearing it. No, it's in a room, it's in your solarium.

Of course. All right, we're going to ask, or sorry, answer another questions. Um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, answering other questions. All right, this one is from a college dude. Can you give us a name and read the question like a college dude? Oh, Riley Crilearson? Riley writes. Yeah, Riley writes.

Hey dudes, what's up? This past fall, I moved into a college apartment with my two bros from back home, in brackets, and a random fourth roommate who's never here. Since it is a college apartment, we don't have much room to make the space our own. I just need you to do an apostrophe after D-O-N and before T, thanks. We have a couple posters up, lights pretty typical college stuff somewhat i hope that i hope that has nothing to do with the rest he just wants you to know that don't worry it's on there like we're close black lights or whatever it's deece it's like eight out of ten. Recently, after we

got back from winter break, we had the idea to decorate a blank... Your lips are so tight. Yeah, man. Get it tight, man. I fucked like 30 girls, like skin 10. To decorate a blank wall with pictures we draw, Drew.

Draw? It could be draw. Pictures we draw. see that last sentence one more time this is the crux recently after we got back from winter break we had the idea to decorate a blank wall with pictures we draw okay sure it fucks me up i think it's true right yeah drew carrie nonsense continue that's no he wrote that no with the note i thought it was pretty cool i thought it was a pretty cool idea and it looked cool at first but now our wall is almost completely completely full with art we aren't master artists each still each piece looks cool by itself but looking at the whole wall it just looks like crazy people scribbling and taping art to walls my roommate thinks it's

pretty dope still i've grown to dislike it this is the best i feel weird about inviting people over especially girls i'm interested in and having them see a whole wall of drug induced art i think a couple of pictures would be all right, but it's come to the point where we're overlapping and just looks tacky slash lame to me. I wish we'd take down most of them and leave only a few of the really cool ones up. Is there any way I could bring this up to my roommates

without them getting mad at me? These guys have been my best friends since grade school. Except for the fourth guy. Random. And they are still really into putting pictures up and have spent tons of time doing so. So I'd feel like a jerk if I just straight up asked them to take it down. Signed, Riley Crile or something.

All right. Great job. Thank you. God, I don't want you to be anybody but that guy for the rest of your life. Ryley Crile or something Alright great job thank you God I don't want you to be anybody But that guy for the rest of your life Dude later on You can get this pretty sick fatty Burrito

Yeah man they mash the rice up so it's Kind of like a chewy rice paste And they put grilled zucchinis And onions in there Dude no I'm serious they put like Nut nutritional yeast, like nooch all up in there. Sprinkle a little diet cheese, completely vegan. Really? You're a vegan frat boy?

Yeah, dude, but I still slay puss. Isn't that meat? Yeah. Sick. I guess I am a carnivore. You got to go budum tish. Absolutely. All right.

Even Riley knows. What an insane small stakes high stakes problem. So he's like I thought it'd be chill if we put art up and now it's like

oh this art's actually not chill. Let's take them all down except for the chillest ones which are probably the ones he drew. I don't know. I could see

that being a good idea and then when it's all up, you're like, look at all them crazy man scribbles. Oh shit, that makes... There was a time when I was in high school, I had the basement, it was kind of chilly. Yeah. So my parents had me paint this room in the basement

and I thought it was going to be really cool to put paint on my hands and put handprints all over the wall. Ooh, okay. And I thought I'd be like, all right, that's kind of cool, that's kind of artsy, that's chill. And then I did that really cool to like put um paint on my hands and put handprints all over the wall oh and i thought i'd be like all right that's kind of cool that's kind of artsy yeah and then i did that and then like every time i was downstairs in the basement alone there's just like handprints handprints everywhere i felt like i was gonna get you're like a madman yeah yeah it was really scary riddle me this riddle me that but it's like that only your friends did the handprints and you wanted

to paint over them i feel like well i guess what i'm saying is like it's all gonna be fine i think you're gonna leave this place in so short of a time yeah i also think you can bring it up but you gotta respect democracy like if you bring up like dudes are we sure we want it just i don't really love this anymore even democracy it's like i feel like it's got to be unanimous. Maybe, yeah. But what if he goes, I don't know if I like this anymore, and including the fourth weirdo, they're all like, what are you talking about, Riley? Well, you have to go to every single conversation with a very open mind.

Be like, hey, look. So he could talk to his roommates with no expectation of this shit is coming down. I have a good idea. But, okay, go ahead. You talk to one that's the most on the fence, and you start to tip the scales in your favor. It's so unimportant. You, like, get one on your side, and it's like,

oh, me and Brody were talking about it, and we don't really like it anymore. Suddenly it's two on two. One on three is a little intimidating. Brody and Riley. Yeah, Brody, Riley. Who are the other two roommates? Oh, there's Brody, there's Riley, there's Taylor, on two one on three is a little intimidating brody you're in the minority yeah brody riley who are the other two roommates oh there's brody there's riley there's taylor and then there's stream we never see that dude stream yeah stream are you sure you live with him his name's on the list is stream you've never seen him yeah man that's. That's what I'm saying. What are you saying? That's exactly what I'm saying.

Have you ever seen him? No. And he is your roommate, though. Yeah. Does he pay rent? Yeah. How does it arrive, the rent? I don't know.

It's just on the kitchen table. But his dad's a guarantor. Yeah. What's his dad's name? Corner. Corner. Corner pays for Stream's rent. You've never seen seen stream and there's a check once a month dude it's corner it's like we have three people living in a four-person spot man sure why are you guys pissed

at this you're just jelly dude soup's gel we're not jelly i'm just trying to put a light up because you could be the gel over it what the gel i took a bit of stage you accidentally took it to a hollywood thing i was thinking theater but whatever good man the boards the boards guys tech week was hell but i was outside at intermission i know bad bad people are talking. Any theater students listening to that will be like,

yay! I'm laughing and I never did it. Yeah, it's cold. It's cold. I think it's a very, you just, I just bring it up.

Like, hey, do we want this? I want to bring posts over here. I would just take down a couple of things I didn't like. One at a very, you just, I just bring it up. Like, hey, do we want this? I want to bring this over here. I would just take down a couple of things I didn't like. One at a time, one a day. Who got rid of the shit that I drew? No, no, I don't know.

That's bad news. You start fires with that. Because then it's like, I like that one. No, you don't get it, dude. That one was my favorite. That was my favorite, too. I'm pissed that it's gone. You took it. No, I didn't, man. Who you don't get it, dude. That one was my favorite. That was my favorite, too. I'm pissed that it's gone. You took it.

No, I didn't, man. Who did? I think it was Stream. Stream. Stream comes in, sneaks in in the middle of the night, leaves a check, and takes a picture down. Who took it down? I don't know. It must have been Stream.

You know Stream. I don't know him. That's how you wrote your book. I've never met him. Everybody else is like, hey, hey man i think these are like these art pieces are really cool stream hates them yeah stream blame it on the fourth weirdo so what would you do if i were you if i were you i'd just i'd just be like uh i'm dudes bros i love you and this is i'm kind of losing interest in these in this it looks like a crazy person i want

to bring puss over here and slay it yeah can you imagine a college girl seeing that and being turned off like i think college girls are used to like the most absolute squalor i can't imagine art like really really refined taste or something he's in college like just figuring out for the first time that he doesn't like random he's bringing over like a 38-old museum docent to their house. He's ashamed that Shannon from the Met is going to see it. Oh no, dudes. How did you even meet this 38-year-old intelligent, highly intelligent docent? You're 21. And Shannon's like, no, no, no.

I get it. I get what you've done here. Whoa. Have me. I want you all to have me. On top of his bad art. No. Have me. I want you all to have me. On top of his bad art. No. Righteous.

It's going to leave me. I'll do Bill and Ted's. So you would bring it up? Yeah, why not? I mean, don't bottle it in, boys. I would bottle it in? This is the second bottle it in advice. That's true.

How do you function? I'd start pinning, man. I would just be like thinking about my new place outside of like no more like no three roommates and just me. Pinning? You mean having a Pinterest mood board? Yeah, dude. I have a Pinterest. This guy's 21 and in college. He's not going

solo for a while. I went solo when I was 21. Yeah. What do you mean yeah? You said that like it wasn't. Yeah. What do you mean, yeah? You said that like it wasn't. Yeah. Yeah, but you had a ton of art that you drew on the wall. You know, not everyone's top shelf premium dollar bills,

Greenbat's fat stacks, Mr. White. Excuse me. I was broke. My father paid for my apartment. Yeah, exactly. I know. I'm just kidding. Thanks, Daddy.

But, um, Tish. Yep. That was thanks daddy but um tish that was just a boom oh sorry got it okay next time again punchline wait for that acknowledgement is like a wet mouth movement new question at the time let's do one more let's take a break and then do one more question we'll be right back with thomas quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

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Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments. That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling.

Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Vo were prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back with thomas that was fun what'd you think of the commercial break man i can't wait to buy whatever that was absolutely absolutely do you have anything you wanted to plug what a weird time it was for me to ask that there's a bunch okay you got silicon valley coming out april 12th

season two yeah hbo right after Game of Thrones. You got, if you have Disney XD or even if you just want to buy it on iTunes, there's Pen Zero Part-Time Hero. Great for kids, but me as an adult, I love it. I'm the voice of Pen. I'm a part-time hero.

I zap in and out of dimensions with my best friends. I thought you were just playing something that you kind of like time and time. It's a cartoon. It's real fun. Also. Jesus Christ, you're a busy guy. We do just this.

Just this, a new show on MTV2. Also, on Saturdays, I'll be trolling for Dion Hollywood Boulevard dressed as a lady. But what else? What else? I just tell you this. I just started a Twitch account where I'm playing video tell me about that god your voice sucks

you're nervous what is a twitch I want one of these now this is me now I think you're taking that out too Austin tonight is there a world where I can put this in my mouth absolutely not put this in the small of my back and just

i think people would notice that's my missy elliott that's how out of touch i am with hip-hop uh sorry what is it twitch twitch if you don't know twitch.tv it's essentially youtube for video games. I mean, pretty much you log on to someone's channel, watch them play video games or talk about video games or whatever. It's like gameplay with maybe a little inlay of a webcam footage or whatever. Some people have full-on productions. It would just be me.

I've already done a session of Total War Attila. What? Yeah. What is that game? This is Deep Cuts Nerd. Only people who are into PC gaming will know know anybody know what this means wow and we are we're in a room full of computer programmers and like hell no i would not do that they're busy doing someone just yelled out loser from the back well 90 pound white kid here's the cool thing is like how how twitch functions is you like

subscribe to someone's channel and that's money that gets you know split between twitch and the and the user oh how much does it cost to subscribe to your channel i think i don't know that that's this will be the first time i've sort of worked it out with oh you can choose the channel you figure it out i think which i don't really know i'm learning i'm like gotcha what that's what's cool what i've just what i've what i what i'm more excited about is the majority of anything that gets subscribed to me, I'm going to donate to charities, environmental charities, which happens to be a passion of mine.

So watch out, Sierra Club. You're getting $200. Why do they have to watch out? Watch out. Better make way in the bank account. Oh, you think there's a maximum? Yeah, you better shove some of those gold coins aside. Is that how you think it's a physical space and they're going to run out of room?

Maybe. It sounds like you're angry and you don't want to help the charity. Maybe. It's half a 200, so 100. Wow, that's even less likely to fill up their bank account. Is it? Of course. So that's what I'm excited about'm so how can they find that twitch

what twitch oh it's the same as my um twitter handle is middle ditch so you just go into twitch and you look up the username middle ditch after i made that what about many many many users were like you should have done middle twitch and i was like yeah i should have i'm an idiot but now it's nice and simple middle ditch Ditch for all. Yeah, Middle Ditch for all. Yes. That's my policy. It was fun the first time.

I mean, like, no one knows what Total War is and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. I had like, you know, like 1,200 people watching this. Jesus Christ. They put it on the main page.

It got linked to Kotaku, if you don't know that. It got linked to Kotaku? Kotaku! Are you kidding me? Oh! Oh! Yeah man

It was fun No but seriously It's a very popular Video game blog He came It's coming out No no it's there And you know

You do a show At like UCB Or whatever that's You know maybe 100, 200 or something You know I managed to Reach out and connect With a bunch of people. It was really fun.

Everyone was like praising the nerdiness and I liked it. I felt at home. So did they watch you while you play or they just see your screen? They just saw my screen because I didn't have a webcam at that point. So they just saw Gameplay and me chatting and gabbing and talking in stupid voices. Holy shit. I'd watch that. Yeah, it was fun.

You didn't even have to play a video game. I'd just watch you chat to me or if I called you all right man okay chat to me hey man um next question yeah anything else that's it those are the big three those are the big ones yeah why not yeah uh all right cool thank you you're ready to answer one last question you have time yeah i'm here to austin bro yeah dude we're here at the platinum premium yeah in five minutes we got dj building up a guy who's never ever ever coming Nice. Hey, man.

Nice. You got the voice of a goddamn angel. An angel who can sort of sing all right. We need a guy's name. Three guys in a row. Three guys. You want to read this question? Huh?

Do you want to read this question? Sure. His name, though, is Jake Hurwitz. Oh, my G. Oh, shit. Oh shit. Okay. Hi guys. I'm a huge fan of the show

and I'm excited. I finally have a problem to get fixed by you guys. To give some context, I'm in my second year of college. I had pretty low self-esteem through high school and my first year of college,

but this past semester I started working out and taking some pretty chill antidepressants. Yeah, baby. And now I realize I'm a freaking pimp. This realization happened pretty late last semester, so I hooked up with

two girls. One from Tinder, so thanks for the heads up, Jake. Now I just started into... He wrote that. Now I just started into this relationship. My first real one ever. We met in one of my classes about three weeks ago. I really like this girl. She's amazing, talented, sweet, funny.

The problem is, I don't know if I'm actually ready to be in a relationship right now. I still want to experience different girls. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I have at least three girls that I could hook up with within the week. Nasty. I know. That was like Paul Abdul. She has had horrible experiences with guys in the past, and I don't want to hurt her.

Easy. But I also feel like all these new, exciting experiences are passing me by. Plus, it might be pretty awkward seeing her in class three times a week if I broke up with her. What should I do? Sincerely, Jake Hurwitz. Let's give it up for Jake Hurwitz. Hey, all right. Jakey.

So, this guy used to be depressed. Shelly's not. Congratulations on taking life by the horns and getting out of that stinky world, first and foremost. Yeah. Been there, man. It's good to get out. You're a

beautiful butterfly now and no more caterpillar days for you. It's a great job. That being said... That being said... Don't be selfish. No, what? He's being selfish. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He wants to break hearts and slam tarts. And no, no, no. If you're going to the oven, you're baking, you're staying in the kitchen. You're not going to run around and go to restaurants. Oh. I don't understand. He wants to fall in love and hit it and quit it

with all the other dames. And unless she's cool with that, I mean, come on. Well, she's not cool with it, but all right, well. She won't be cool with it. She's been burned. She's a tender flower.

She's a tender flower. Here's the sentence that I think is the most insightful. I still want to experience different girls, and if I wasn't in a relationship, I would have had at least three girls that i could hook up with within the week my man seems like he's just thinking about the three girls he could have hooked up also if he

could hook up with three girls within a week he's not fully invested in his relationship no yeah that means that takes work yeah it's hard he's currently in the relationship he's in a relationship oh he's currently in yeah yeah he's got a and he thinks he can fuck three girls within seven days. I think that you're, like, not paying enough attention to your girlfriend. Let me also say a little bit of this. It's total grass is greener. When you get into a relationship, suddenly you have the confidence you wish you had when you were single. Oh!

And that always happens. Explain that. You suddenly have your relationship, and you're like, oh good. And then you suddenly feel that that's the only barrier for you having eight threesomes all the time, which is not really the case. It's closer to six threesomes. I mean, hello.

Do the math. He's in college. He's on antidepressants for the first time. He shouldn't lock himself up with a girl. I agree. I agree. I think he should break up with this girl, but not hurt her, just in a nice, polite way. Just say, I think you're great

and you deserve somebody who can be fully invested in this relationship and I'm not, so I'm going to go away and try to have sex with, well, he wouldn't say this last part,

but try to have sex with three girls in seven days. I mean, that's so fair! Three girls in a week? Are you kidding me? That's only four days of breath! That's what I'm saying.

So it could be one girl for more than one day. Dude, you never know. You could be fucking all day, every day. So what would that look like? If you're not letting you... Oh, no. Oh, my God. YOLO, YOLO, YOLO.

Yo, check it out. I think you can totally explain what he said in the email. Yo, I just cocooned. I have, like... what he said in the email yo i just cocooned i have like i've been i've been in the dark world and now it's a renaissance and i i like you a lot but i you know i gotta go learn the enlightenment what is this what he's saying essentially is i'm a butterfly for the first time should i not fly let me i'm a peacock let me fly yeah well peacocks can't fly so that's the other guys but peacock will they'll they'll fly no fuck you a peacock, let me fly. Well, peacocks can't fly, so that's a part of the next line. Have you not seen the other guys? But peacocks, they'll fly and they'll fuck.

You know, a peacock will do that thing with the big feathers. Yeah, of course. If he's got the feathers, you should show them to people. Yeah, he's burning bright, baby. Let the moths come to the flame. And I do mean, come, hit it. This is our show. Thank you so much for watching.

It was If I Were You with Thomas Middleditch. Hey-o. Take us out. I'm taking you out now. Let's do it. Let's sing, man. No, no, no. Take me out to dinner.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. But first, a song. A piece of just, okay. Auntie. Thank you. Thank you. For listening. Thank you. Thank you. For listening.

Thank you. Welcome in to your own ears. We've come in and we've brought spears. We want your head. Stop at nothing. Someone do my laundry. We're going to murder everybody in this house. Thomas, thanks so much for coming by.

Pleasure. Thank you to Vimeo for having us. Namaste. And thanks to Vimeo. Thanks to Bethany and Alex Sexton. We'll be back soon. Good night, everybody. People are talking.

All right, great. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, guy. You know that you want to be the guy that all your buds want to be. Oh, man, I want to party with him. Yeah, that guy. Well, then here's how you do it.

Just listen to these two shows every week. The Art of Charm. We talk about how to create confidence, how to get people to like and trust you, productivity, time management, biohacking, and more. And The Chive. You never know who's going to drop by the studio, and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them. Download new episodes of The Chive and The Art of Charm every week at podcastone.com.

It's a guy thing, all right? Be that guy. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.