Segments - 145: Stage Kiss

Episode Date: April 6, 2015

In this episode we discuss rebound relationships and masturbating in public. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, DraftKings.com, and DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And yeah, let's get started. Cheers. Before we start, special shout out to Clam Dip and Dave Rosenberg. Stop. If I were you. Walking to a Starbucks, looking all around, picking up a gun that I see on the ground. See a guy in the corner look a lot like Jake. He was a swiper right on Tinder. What a fucking mistake. Looking to the left, then I think on the ground See a guy in the corner look a lot like Jake He wasn't swiping right on Tinder, what a fucking mistake

Looking to the left, then I think I see a mirror Going zero to the T, but won't put it in the rear They giving their advice to some punk ass kid If I were you, show now, you gotta just send it in Having dinner with a girl who was looking kinda sad Everyone was gone and even her missing dad John Wolf up to his dirty little trick Stealing candy from a baby, it is probably on his list

If you walking outside, then be careful of the bird Watch you go to work it's something i overheard getting so many guests something i really love jake and amir throwing the pieces up kyle morris very tight flow he had a good flow the beat was from our boy hoodie allen but overall he had a tight flow yeah most of all it was the tight flow uh his name that he goes by on social media and stuff is k-y-l-m-o-r-r k-y-l-m-o-r-r so if you're looking for him on facebook soundcloud instagram and or twitter it's kyle moore right how does it work when people just take the beats to songs like that those are available or i think as long as you know as long as you're not making any money i mean like actually like let's say I want the beat to an Eminem song. Somebody has extrapolated it and posted it online,

or you have to recreate it. I don't know. I guess I bet people have to recreate it, right? So I bet people have done that, and it's online. Or just, like, when Eminem uploaded the song, you can download it and remove his track and then just leave the beat. I bet they probably try to make it so you can't do that but i don't know i don't really know anything about music yeah you should google it and just see if you could get eminem just the beat yeah real slim shady oh i

bet you can for sure yeah and then we can rap over it because that's the bad part of us we don't know how to make beats well also well personally i wouldn't be able to rap on the beat so that's the bad part about me. Well, let's try to make a beat right now and see what happens. Okay. Do you want to do the doof, doof, doof, or the melody part that goes over it? I should do the doof, doof, doof.

All right. So just give me the basic drum. is this good because it felt right you know that actually reminds me of something that glocal did what and that and that's why i mentioned stealing candy from a baby, which, as you know, actually would be illegal. Yeah. But I have seen him devise a way to get candy without a baby's consent. How's that? So he'll go up to a baby with a lollipop. The baby has a lollipop. Yeah, like a baby in a stroller with a lollipop. So you're talking about John Wolf here. Global, glocal John Wolf.

Of course. And he'll say to the mother or the father, whoever's walking it, like, I'm so sorry. Walking it like a dog. Walking the stroller. Gotcha. He'll say, I'm so sorry. I'm diabetic. I need a sugar fix.

I would never do this, but, like, I don't have any money. Can you please help me out? And the mother, father looks around helpless. Because he's, like, sort of well put together, but it's kind of creepy. Yeah, but he's a little sweaty. He's like, I'm really sorry. I would never do this. And they could see he has car keys and a phone,

so they don't think he's a crazy homeless person, right? Yeah. So they'll say, and they're far from a store. Of course, he makes sure to do this far from a 7-Eleven, so they can't just give him some money and say, go find a store. Oh, so he'll like that. He'll prey on residential areas. He needs the sugar fix now.

And they don't have any choice. They take the candy from the baby, which they're allowed to do because they bought the candy in the first place. They're the parents. And they hand it to John Wolfe. The kid cries. He says, I can't believe I'm doing this. I never thought I'd steal candy from a baby. And then sometimes John's like, this is so bizarre, but can I actually take the candy out of the baby's hands?

Like he gets off to that little thrill. The craziest thing is he walks. That little legal thrill. He walks away sort of like almost like a super, like a Jason Bourne walking away from an exploding building. Yeah, he never looks back. Never looking back. Kid crying behind it. Parent trying to comfort this kid to no avail.

Yeah. And he tosses the candy in a garbage can subtle holy shit subtle this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake um it's an advice podcast people will email us their questions to if i were you show at gmail.com and we do our best to offer our advice um sometimes we tell stories about john wolf this brazen social vigilante an anti-hero of all sorts a jack of six trades and a master of four uh all right do you have a A jack of six trades and a master of four.

All right. Do you have a name for this first person? These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Let's name all these people after cities that we're going to in Australia. That's right. We're coming to Australia to do this show live on stick. Sí. Muy bueno.

See you down under. See you in Spanish, Australia. I didn't know how to say down under in Australian. Down under is down under in Australian. You mean Spanish? What? All right. So this is a lady let's call her adelaide wow that's really that's actually a nice name for a girl it really is adelaide writes needing some hypothetical advice here two months ago i ended a two-year relationship

with my boyfriend because things had gotten a little rocky and I had sort of fallen for someone else. Basically, a week later, I was seeing this other guy and was stoked and happy. Fast forward to now, I realize that I just moved on way too fast from my ex and I've just broken up with guy number two and I'm considering making things work again with my original boyfriend sometime in the future. My question is this. If I wanted to remain friends with guy number two, would my original BF be justified in being extremely jealous or pissed off? I just got along really well with guy number two, but in more of a friendship way than a romantic way, and I can see my ex being extremely jealous if we were to remain friends. This is all hypothetical, but I know my ex well enough to know that he would almost be

definitely upset maybe understandably so question mark thank you for potential help with my potential problem love adelaide oh adelaide just try not having a boyfriend you've you've you can't this is why you can't have nice things she had one boyfriend broke up with him and started dating another guy and now she wants to break up like a week or two yeah immediately and then she wants to go back to the first guy but is afraid that she'll be that first guy will be jealous if she stays friends with guy number two well that'll definitely happen but i want to i want to infer a little bit here uh-huh so let's see let's let's zoom out uh-huh she broke up with guy number one yeah to date guy number two yeah big mistake right off the bat why when you are breaking up

with someone because you think you've fallen for someone like because things got rocky and you've fallen for someone else uh-huh you didn't really fall for anybody else. You fell for the idea of a better relationship outside of your relationship. Interesting. That's a good, that's a severe claim you're making. Yes. But you are resolute. I am resolute. I am definite. I am adamant. You are Adelaide. And I'm adamant for Adelaide. This is the point that must be made. So you broke up with your boyfriend. Great decision. You were unhappy after two years.

It was rocky. You were looking elsewhere for love. With guy number one. Yeah, with guy number one. She was looking for guy number two. But yeah, so it was definitely time to break up with guy number one. She immediately started dating guy number two.

That's where your good decisions ended. You should not have gotten immediately into another relationship for a band-aid. This is, it's a, I mean, I'm not the first person to comment like this. It's what they call a rebound. Which is what? What is it? What's the psychology behind the rebound? I don't know what the psychology

behind it is but i think it's just like you you're single you feel like you need somebody you feel like but you think that person is usually uh a fake a phony a shell a red herring because you're like oh my god this person isn't my boyfriend and he was such a piece of shit i'm gonna go all in on this dude or this girl. Like, this is perfect. This is what my last relationship was missing. Everything different. Yeah.

But you don't, it's not necessarily good. It's just not the same. That's why it was exciting to you. Oh, interesting. But now she's realizing, she's realizing here, let's go, let's keep on following this. She's realizing here that she doesn't want to be with this guy so time to break up that's a good decision but to get back with your ex that would be another bad decision right there's a reason you broke up so every time you've considered breaking up i applaud you and every time you consider jumping into another relationship

i laud you i really do laud you i cheers you for the breakup and i jeers you for the the getting back together it's kind of like a dog or a baby with a short-term memory it's like you give it a blue ball they're like all right blue ball yeah yeah and then they're like get kind of bored of it and you give them a red ball like oh red ball even better and then they get bored with it and then you're like oh what about this blue ball he's like oh blue ball that's new that's different blue ball you know like wait a minute you were hanging out with the blue ball before the red ball he's like no i don't know i don't know about that i can only think about this blue ball are human beings with feelings and emotions

well that's the problem and you're just biting them and swinging them around in your mouth and tossing them into the dirt in the yard what you should do is add a third person to this rotation that way they don't feel like they're going back and forth uh and i guess just to also answer her question of course your boyfriend would be jealous and of course you would have a good reason to be yeah you would be close with the person you broke up with him for you can't do that sorry yeah maybe if it's like a friend that like i shouldn't say maybe but like, boyfriends are cool, should be cool with like, oh, this guy was my friend before you and we're just friends now. Okay, that's fine. Or, oh, I met this guy and he's cool, but in a friend way.

It's like, all right, that's a little bit fishier, but that's fine. But it's like, I want to hang out with the guy that I dumped you for again. And like, that's, I think I have to draw the line. I don't know if I can hang out with you if that i dumped you for again and like that's i think i have to draw the line i don't know if i can hang out with you if you do that yeah at least that's what i would do if i was a boyfriend and if you have an inkling that he's going to be extremely jealous then he's going to be twice that jealous yeah um what was i gonna say oh have you ever gotten back together after breaking up uh yeah a long time ago and i don't think it was like i it definitely wasn't a healthy thing to do yeah it seems like there's that's a low i guess all relationships have a low rate of survival but like the getting back

together with somebody seems especially low yeah i think that's a hard feat to pull off. Not saying it can't be done. No, I know someone who did that and got married to that person. Right. Well, that's great. But I think at the very least, this girl needs to spend some time being single. Because it sounds like you just had two bad relationships and you think those are the only two options.

Well, I hated guy number one, so I went out with guy number two. But I don't like him that much. So I'll go back hated guy number one so i went out with guy number two but i don't like him that much so i'll go back to guy number one there's three billion guys in the world yeah so try any you you struck out with two yeah let's try a third fourth fifth sixth we'll just keep on going down the line but not going back to anyone until you've had at least a higher sampling than just the next guy. Sure. All right, that's it. We need another girl's name. It's got to be Sydney.

Yeah, it will be Sydney. So here's the deal. My boyfriend's roommate, Brian, recently started dating one of my really close friends, Emily, and they're very much into each other. I was super excited for her until last week when I found out something very weird and very gross about Brian. A couple months ago, one of the female roommates in my apartment caught Brian masturbating with his door open and he made eye contact with her. Come on, dude. About a week

later, one of the other roommates in the apartment caught Brian masturbating with the door open again. They had a talk with him about it and were like, hey, close the door, please. And then a week later, it happened again. The roommates all had a meeting about it the other day and decided it was best to kick him out. Brian claimed he has some sort of impulse control problem and it's a product of his depression, but I'm pretty sure he just likes masturbating in front of people and wants to be caught, right? Also, I should mention, even though his door is wide open, he keeps sitting in a very specific position on his bed, so you can see him through the crack between the wall and the hinges. How do I tell my friend

Emily about this? They haven't been dating that long long but she's super into him do i give brian a chance to tell her before i tell her oh is he a murderer what would you do thanks love sydney is he a murderer i guess he didn't kill anyone yet all right so let's let's once on one under that it sounds like he's a sexual deviant, a pervert. If you will. Masturbating with the door open once could be a mistake, but three times is a trend. Right. And this guy's just doing it. Shame on you, shame on me, arrest me.

That's how it goes. Yeah. So I guess this guy gets off to the fact that he might be caught. It's weird that he says that it's a result of his depression. Right. I don't know enough about any of that stuff to comment on it. But at the very least, if it was my friend dating that person, I would bring her up to speed for sure. Yeah.

At the very least, you can tell her the whole story, including the depression part. That way it's not like you accusing anybody. Tell her the whole story, including Brian's point, or at least what brian presented as his point of view because i bet if he tells your roommate or your friend the story uh he'll leave a lot of stuff out yeah well he'll mention the depression part right and maybe not the masturbating three times in the house meetings it's hard he ignored when someone has depression

you like want to like be like oh this we should help him as much as possible but what if he has depression and then also like does something bad like you can't use it as a get out of jail free card yeah it's like completing the insanity defense yeah at a court for after you murder somebody but also like just because he if he has depression and impulse control problems then maybe he does deserve somebody's help but he doesn't necessarily deserve this girlfriend right he doesn't want to deal with any of that stuff it's early in a relationship yeah that just explains why he did it it doesn't like say it doesn't absolve him of the fact that it did happen yeah like okay we understand the reasons that you masturbated three times with your doors open yeah that does mean we don't want to

live with you that was like i was listening to another podcast i think and oh it was pete homes show and he's like i understand the reasons why you're doing it but i still want you to stop so a lot of people are like no no i was only doing this because of this it's like i don't care why you did it i just don't want you to do it that's the issue here so don't that's happening yeah so that's what you do you go up to your friend and well there's like medicine for it like for depression and i don't know anything about impulse control and how all of that is linked up together but it sounds like if you are masturbating with even if you're on meds and you're masturbating with the door open then you need to get different medicine because you're having a bad reaction to it.

You think there could be medicine for impulse, like a willpower pill? Yeah, definitely there is. You should take that. Oh, no, I don't want to. I was about to buy it, and then my impulse said, don't. I do have that impulse control, but I mean, not so bad that I can,, don't. I do have that impulse control.

But I mean, not so bad that I can. I don't know. It sounds like he is missing something else. Yeah. A screw is loose. Like impulse control is one thing. But then like, what's the word that I'm trying to think of? Masturbating with the door open?

Yeah. The Dutch have one word for it really schadenfreude it's actually tothe t-o-t-h-e t-o-t-h-e tothe

tothe tot one tot two tothe alright I think we're done we just tell her tell your friend All right. I think we're done. We just tell her that this, tell your friend. Yeah. That her friend's been Jango with the door open.

Have you ever done that? Definitely not. It seems like the goal of masturbating is to be as alone as possible. I pee with the door open and that's about the maximum amount that you'll share your dick. Yeah. Jango in public that's a different level i don't think i could even get hard in public let's try follow me to a park watch this on an airplane um all right All right. Next question. Yep.

Let's get to a guy. Let's finally talk to a guy. It's about time. No, actually, this one's about texting. Great. Love that. Thanks. Walked right into it.

Guy's name? Perth. Oi, I'm Perth. Yeah. All right. Let's get down to bitchness. I can't do the whole thing in an accent, but I recently matched with a really cute redhead on Tinder and we hit it off nearly instantaneously.

We chatted for a while, exchanged Snapchats and numbers, and arranged to meet up at a local coffee joint. Going into this, I was nervous as all hell, mainly because it's difficult to tell a person's height through Tinder pics, and tall women intimidate me. Luckily, all was well, as she was slightly shorter than me. Oh, he got coffee, split a waffle, and after about an hour and a half, she decided she had to head out. I gave her a ride back to her dorm, where she said that she would, quote, do this again, and she would, quote, text me. I sent her a Snapchat two days later, which she opened but never responded to. Now it's been three whole days since I've heard anything

from her. My question to you guys is, when a girl says, I'll text you, how long should it usually take to hear from her? One day? Two? Three? A week? Would you message her at this point, or would that seem too desperate to my understanding we both had a fun time so i don't understand the radio silence any help would be rad toda boys love perth oh perth i think in my world if i think we live in the day and age where if she liked you and she said she'll text you she would would have done it that afternoon. It would have happened by now. Yeah. And then a Snapchat, an unresponded Snapchat.

Unresponded Snapchat, I think, is fine. I personally think if you wanted to see her, you should have been texting. There's still time. Text her now. But you're saying odds are low. Odds are low, but you might as well text her because she said, yeah, I want to do this again.

I'll text you. and then she didn't text you but maybe you just remind her you just say hey how's your week been but that's that's like opening that's opening a real line of communication snapchat she doesn't even know that that snap just went to her that could have been sent to 20 different people right so she doesn't feel the need to respond to it i think right now she's not entirely interested but she might also not be in the point where uh if like she could be neutral she could just be like yeah if he doesn't text me i won't text him and if he texts me maybe i'll give him another shot right like the best you can hope for is neutral right now yeah so just she's definitely not she's not texting you now she's not super into it right otherwise she would have

texted you yes but she might be the it right otherwise she would have texted you yes but she might be the phase below that which is fine if you text her and she'll meet up again totally but there's also a chance she might even be in the phase below that which is i'm gonna have to tell him no right but that's possible too but at the very least stop waiting for a text from her because that is not happening uh the question is why did she say i I'll text you? I don't know. Maybe it was just like a nice way to say goodbye. She could have said, text me or let's text, but maybe, who knows why she said what she said.

Impulse. I think my theory is at the end of a date, you don't take anything for what it seems. At the end of a date, it's slightly uncomfortable. You don't know what's going to happen. People just say things like, oh yeah, we should do this again.

Oh, I'll text you. Okay, yeah. When I'm on the phone with like airline representatives, I say, talk to you soon. Yeah. Like that's not true. Right. Like, all right, I'll talk to you later. Yeah.

No, you won't. So don't actually hold anyone accountable to anything said on the last- You said you'd text me. The last five minutes of a date is just a free for all. You just say shit. Yeah, that won't. So don't actually hold anyone accountable to anything said on the last... You said you'd text me. The last five minutes of a date is just a free-for-all. You just say shit. Yeah, that's true. All right, see you later.

Bye. Maybe we should do this again. The thing to latch on to is, like, we should do this again. That at least means, like, let's communicate more. No, but, like, I could say, let's do this again. And a girl can just feel... Like, you don't want to say, uh, I'm okay at the end of the date. So they'll be like, yeah, we totally should.

That's true. It's all lies. The last five end of the date so they'll be like yeah we totally should that's true it's all lies no last five minutes of a date are lies i the first hour of the date is also lies not to mention all the flirtations lead up that's lies there in the first three months there's eight seconds in the big in the middle of a first date that's pure truth and everything to the left and right of it is a lie so you got to really excavate you have to laser in yeah you have to dig deep and find out what the truth is uh that's something i've noticed recently the lies at the end of a date right because

no one ever wants to be polite yeah you're not gonna say uh you're not then and there you can't be like we should do this again actually i had fun but i don't see this going past second or third date so i mean i'm gonna cut it off here yeah i'll dodge your next two texts and we will never see each other again but namaste it was fun to have a drink just kidding it wasn't that fun i wish i didn't drink because i don't feel like being hung over tomorrow this was not worth it take care actually or don't i don't care the thing is i'm really starting to second guess dating in general i just feel like i've been a lot on a lot of these things and they're all just fine anyway don't want to go she said and you can text her

yeah but don't have have medium expectations oh yeah i wouldn't text her being like well you said we were gonna hang out you said we'd do it again you said you text me i'm this whole relationship is built on a lie baby how do you... We can't be honest with each other. How are we going to raise our kids? We're on the same team. How are you going to raise your kids? That'd be crazy if every time you went on a first date, you had to raise kids together.

That would be a good idea for a first... It's a daycare. It's a date daycare. A date care. So you meet people on their first date you match them with like a two-year-old oh wow so let's just go straight into it yeah because like anybody can be cordial in a fucking dinner setting right i want to see if a baby is crying in front of you and shitting and i'm like can you do like can you do something about it i want to see if you'll like

snap and be like can you get off your ass and stop watching TV and helping? Like, that's what you have to know. You would go so quick to watching TV at the daycare. I'd have a beer. The daycare would literally be a sad dent. Yeah, on a Sunday at 11 a.m. A little couch with football. Yeah.

And you want a cold one. But the kid also has a birthday party to go to. But like your favorite team is playing. Wow. So in your mind, you're like, okay, dude, that's what I don't get about parenting. How could you still be a dad when the fucking game's on? Like if there's chicken wings and the Pats are playing, dude, what are you supposed to do? I can't be a dad that day.

I wonder if there's a correlation between sports fans and how good you are as a father because like sports fans have 10 hours a week that they just want to be watching tv and non-sports fans don't have that yeah i bet sports fans are worse dads like i'll really want to watch the super bowl but if my kid has a soccer game I'll be either a watching the Superbowl or be a resentful twat during the game on my phone refreshing your kid just scored a goal I can't see because I have a fantasy player who's going off or he's not going off I'm pissed my kid's doing well but the reality that that's happening it's not as good as fantasy football. I'm sad.

Seen in a movie, which is a wide shot of one of the little five-year-olds injured on the field. And everybody is concerned. You're in the background looking at your phone. You just go like this. Both hands up in the air. Touchdown! I was down 17 going into the afternoon games, and this guy just fucking went ham. Is the little one okay?

I might win this box pool I'm in. Roddy went for 10, 126 and two scores. How's little Mary doing? Hurt? Shit. Don't worry, daddy's going to take care of you.

You just won 80 bucks. Alright, let's take a break, and we'll come back and answer one more question. You're watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. No, they're not. Okay. Well, they might be during this podcast. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling.

Enough. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know

run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time pick six players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments.

That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash...

Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So

if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do australia i cannot stress enough how much we're coming to you june 9th in adelaide june 10th in melbourne june 11th in sydney june 12th in brisbane june 14th at the aster in perth uh tickets are still available but going fast melbourne highest fastest selling show selling show. Yeah. Who'd have thought? That shit's gonna sell out, bitch.

Huh? Shh. Y'all wanna hear how I got fucked for the first time? Easy. You better come to these shows, boss. Well, that's not the only reason.

It should be a fun night of comedy. I don't care. The creator will be there. He'll be doing stand-up. I'm gonna be so fucking trash, gone, faded, gay, and scared. Dude, I'm gonna be. I'm going to be so fucking trash, gone, faded. Gay and scared.

Dude, I'm going to be Molly, coke, whiskey, weed, pills. What pills? Uppers, downers. I don't give a fuckers, y'all. You know what I'm saying? You had a single Pepto-Bismol chewable yesterday and started freaking out. I was tripping, I think. You weren't.

You were in bed by 9.45. Yeah, but I had crazy dreams. Did you? No. Slept right through. I actually won't give it two to pee. It was actually insane. I slept like a rock from 9.45 1 a.m then i tossed and turned for

a bit i went to the bathroom and then i went to bed from maybe three to seven that's fine you're describing a fairly average night of sleep it was insane why it seems so normal i think i was out of it the whole time yeah of course you were half asleep loser uh all right last question so i get off stage right drop the mic walk up to these hot chicks and i'm all like sup lady my name's slim shady i'm the lead singer of d12 baby did you just freestyle that dude i did that was insane it sounded exactly like my band by slim shady really oh i think i borrowed some motifs oh okay but overall the wording and phrasing was different

especially slim shady that's all mine at the least, I said it right now and not him. So we need a guy's name. Brisbane. Hey, I'm Aaron Jake. My name is... Oops. Sorry. Hey, I'm Aaron Jakeake my name is brisbane and i'm in a high school play playing the main

lead at the beginning of the play my character begins to make out with another character during rehearsals we don't actually kiss we just pretend to kiss and hug now this girl that i'm supposed to make out with is a dime and i want to actually make out with her for the play i believe it would make the play better also who doesn't want to make out with a dime so here's my question how do i ask and convince this girl to make out with me and two is it even worth it to ask thanks in advance brisbane p.s i've only kissed a girl once and it was a dare i actually got dared not to do it. This is a Broadway play, by the way.

They're that immature. Thoughts? Yeah, I don't know. I have an idea. Okay, go for it. You can't do it yourself. You can't be like, we should kiss. Because that seems like you just want to kiss her because she's hot what you can do is get the director to tell you to kiss that way you guys are just

following orders man yeah i'm sorry this is so awkward you should practice at your house oh i'm hard that's the first line of the play it's a terrible play it's a musical nary one song oh i'm hard today and then they make out for four hours uh so i think your best bet is to get it as a direction from somebody and then you act cool you're not you don't act excited or happy you're just like all right you know it's part of the game whatever i'm not thrilled to be here the director says i think you guys who should you two should actually kiss the girl's like oh no i don't want to do that and he's like yeah gross i'm not gonna kiss her

what are you talking about it was your idea was it oh i just my note was to make the play more authentic and you misread that or why or when or with whom sally side question i think we should go out and make out for real because this this this director perverts trying to set us up getting off to watching middle schoolers make out i'm not interested uh do you think it's worth it is it considered a win if he gets it this way i i think for where he's at it would be like It's a step above a dare. Yeah, your first two kisses are going to both be because you were told to. I think you maybe should start taking things into your own hands.

But I feel like you could say it in a... Because this is also... You don't want to stage a coup with the director to make you kiss. Yeah. You should just say something to her and just be like, this... I don't know. I think it turned into a joke. Oh, so you think she should ask the girl. It turned into a...

It's going to look fake if we don't really kiss. This is not... I think we should... I don't know. You can say it. Just wait for an opening. Wait for an in.

Or just fucking do it. Play night. She can't freak out because it's like things are happening, you gotta you gotta like be you you gotta like be on top of your game on your toes you going to make out she can't freak out because that'll ruin her scene no she'll slap you across the face and that'll ruin your scene and scene uh so you're saying talk to the girl directly or maybe try to inception her so she

feels like she has the idea oh but i think coming from i think it should come from the two of you you could say does it look too fake that we're just hugging and then she'll say oh yeah maybe you're right we should kiss maybe she wants to kiss too huh we should you should suggest is there a better all i would say this is what i would probably do in the situation let's pitch some alts to this fake kiss thing i want to talk about i'd want to bring it up myself to her but i also wouldn't want to suggest it because that would be a little too forward i would say is this like authentic enough what we're doing is there a way to make it a little more realistic and that's sort of like backing into a corner because like you're making you are doing the most to make it realistic without kissing the only thing to make it more realistic is make it real and maybe she'll arrive

at that same conclusion if you say this option isn't great is there another one and then let's see what she says if she goes to lengths to avoid kissing you then you know it's out of the question well it depends is it great lengths or just regular lengths like if she just goes to regular lengths you can probably make up that distance if she goes to great lengths to avoid you how do you interpret regular lengths and great lengths a mile perfect it's agreed all right jake says talk to her in a weird in a not in a weird but in a subtle way a backhanded way try to get it. Subtle way.

Make her arrive at the conclusion. Yeah, this isn't the best, right? What would be better? So it's borderline amateur hypnosis. Yeah, let her have the idea. And then you say, you're right, we should kiss. That's a good idea. Regardless of what she says.

I don't know, I guess we could hug for longer. You're right, we should kiss. Oh, you weren't listening to me. And I say, make a deal, even a cash deal with the director to be like, how much cash can I give you to say maybe we should make out in the play? That way, it's not like... You know what would be a better suggestion? If she doesn't have anything, you be like does this feel real i feel

like we could have a more authentic thing and she says yeah i don't know but i agree and you're afraid to say let's actually kiss suggest putting your hands on on her face and your two thumbs on her lips oh that's like a better stage kiss and then you make out with your and then you kiss your thumbs yeah which is basically saying you know know, like, I respect your space. We don't have to actually kiss, but I think this will look better. And then you guys get to be, like, weirdly close in a slightly better way than hugging. That's pretty good. Fake kiss.

That's a good even third technique. So we've given you three options. Please let us know what you choose. More than you paid for. I didn't pay anything. Still. All right. That is our time.

Thank you so much for listening, everybody. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnail submissions, artwork for the podcast when we post about it to our Facebook page, ideally at 600 by 315 resolution, but we'll take what we can get. The opening theme song was written by Kyle Morris, and the last one was from a lady named Elizabeth and a five-year-old.

What? That's cute. Uh, alright, we'll be back. Bye. Jake and Amir they give me lots of advice. Advice! Jake and Amir they help me with all

of life's strife. Life! Whenever I'm in trouble, I send an email to them. Email! Which is great, because I don't have any real friends. Friends! Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir. Hey hey hey hey. Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir. Hey hey hey hey. Hey!