Segments - 146: End of an Era

Episode Date: April 9, 2015

In this episode we discuss emotional cheating, physical cheating, and the future. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, TrunkClub.com, and Prosper.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, I'd ask what to do The best advice out there is you'll do you. I've got a sticky situation. It's quite a con on drum if you will. I've got some people out there who help me and they're kind of chill So I listen to Jake

and me Vance and the Pinch Nathan, Dylan, Josh and Shrewell So email them in and they will help you And if I were you

show at gmail.com That was soothing. All we are is dust in the wind. It's actually pretty fitting. How so? We are dust in the wind of ourselves today.

Oh, because we're unemployed. Yeah, we're dead to the world, dead to society, dead to my parents. Your parents said that you were dead to them? I'm dead to rights. What does that mean? Dead on arrival. D-O-A. Death becomes me.

That was their band, or a duo, named D-Jamjamulja or Jamulja. Oh, what a bad name. I'm sorry. Like, how does anybody find them? Yeah, it's tough. It's D apostrophe J-A-M-O-U-L-J-A-H. Change your name. I love the song.

That's insane. You should stop being creative when you come up with your name. I stopped. I don't even know. I had to say it now. Yeah. Ujumulja? It's over.

The plain white T's have the perfect name. Because. The strokes. Yeah. Jack White. That's the perfect name. Drake. Can I recommend just their first names?

If it's like Adam and Sarah, that would be a good name. Adam and Sarah sounds really nice. What about another name that's not just that plain? You know what? I have a good band name for a while now, and I'll give it to these guys. Okay. Hot Hands. Say something. I'm giving up on you. Hot Hands. Say something.

I'm giving up on you. Hot Hands is a great name. Yeah, it's easy to say. And it's like a fun game and it sounds kind of sexy. Oh, yeah. Hot Hands. So, Jamulja, you're welcome. Formerly, the artist formerly known as Jamulja.

Yeah, now Hot Hands. Thanks for writing that song and performing it and recording it and sending it to us definitely I appreciate it I'm sorry I made fun of your name so bad but it just happens to be not a good name this is constructive criticism we'll tell you like it is yeah we really will we're the Randy Jackson's of

podcasts I'm gonna give it to you straight dog yeah Randy Jackson this is if I were you Jackson's of podcasts. I'm going to give it to you straight, dog. Yeah. Randy Jackson. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. We're done with our web series.

This is now our job full time. Wow. Yeah. And we'll be doing it for an hour today. Yeah. And then we can just sort of chill. Yikes. We've earned it.

I guess. We've done eight years of episodes, and now that's not going to happen anymore. Yeah, wow. So any ideas you got, any funny jokes that you think of, throw them away. There's no outlet for it. Are you talking to me now? I'm talking to myself

in a mirror. No, this isn't the end, you guys. That's Are you talking to me now? I'm talking to myself in a mirror. No, this isn't the end, you guys. That's crazy. We're still going to make stuff. We still live together. Think of it as the first... You like a musical artist, and after you listen to their album,

their first album, are you like, all right, they're done now. They're dead. No, they then make a second album. And it's usually not as good as the first album are you like all right they're done now they're dead no they then make a second album and it's usually not as good as the first exactly and i want another album and it's usually even worse than the second like what happened here they totally changed what i loved about the first album then they break up for a while yeah then oh they do a reunion tour where they

play the greatest hits so yeah so our next web series will be not as good as the first the third one will just be like a two-hour dramatic movie some kind of weird experimental shit that everyone will reject yeah and then uh we'll just go on tour as 43 year olds uh who do like uh jake and amir stuff again. So you guys have all that to look forward to. And thankfully, you guys are still listening to this, so there's still content being made. Update on the podcast front, we left our podcast network too.

Wow, we're quitting everything. Yeah, we left College Humor and Podcast One at basically the same week. We also left our house that week. Oh, wow. So we became unemployed. We joined a different, or we left our podcast network and we changed houses all in the same like four days.

Would you say these are upgrades or downgrades? All of them are down. Way, way, way down. Way down, I feel stressed. Oh, yeah, stressed is better. What do you think about this for a parody song? I thought I sang it the other day. This is perfect for my Weird Al cover band

that I'm now joining because I don't have a job. All right. I'm way underdressed. So it's like Weird Al walking around, or sorry, me walking around, and I'm like at a black tie gala, and I'm wearing like, I'm dressed like a rapper. So a baggy tee and some jeans with black boots.

Yeah. I'm way underdressed. What are all the verses? Well, how does the real one go? Look at my life, man. That's lessons on lessons on lessons. So what rhymes with lessons? I guess like you spill a lot of different salad dressings and stuff on your tie or on your shirt.

Look at my tie, man. That's dressings on dressings on dressings. This is great. I'm so glad we don't have to make internet videos anymore. We can focus on the real shit. Right. So we're already describing our second worst project. Yeah.

I'm way underdressed. So what does it mean to leave Podcast One? If you're listening to the show, I don't think it should change anything. Unless you were listening specifically on a Podcast One app or the Podcast One site, we're now hosting all of our episodes on Spreaker.com. Thank you to Spreaker.com for housing us, taking us in when we were people without an island, a nation.

When we were homeless. Yeah, we were distressed people. And Spreaker.com, which is like speaker but with an R. We were refugees of ourselves. Said, you guys should check us out. We'll upload all your episodes automatically we have a cool back end uh and i've been using them and they're great very clean very like uh modernized way to host sound files so whether you're a podcaster yourself looking for

a host or a musician looking for a place to put your music, Spreaker.com is great for us so far. Cool. Highly recommend. And they also have an app, an Android app and an iPhone app. You can listen to the episodes on there. We have a Spreaker page. But if you're listening with how you usually do, which is like a podcast app on your phone or through iTunes,

nothing should have changed. Or on our website. Yeah, or you can always find the episodes on if I were you show.com. So if you just keep listening, that would be helpful. That would be good for us. Especially because now we have to sell our own ads again. Yeah.

Yeah. So we have to like, it's no longer like on somebody else to make sure shit performs. It's like, we have to go out and actively find advertisers and show them that our fans listen to the show. So I guess in the coming months when we ask you to buy things, really, really try to do it. Just really focus on that. At the very least, visiting the website is a great start. You know what else is a great start? Subscribing to our show on iTunes. That's

incredibly helpful. A lot of our podcast fans don't necessarily listen to other podcasts. So they'll just listen to it streaming on their computer and our iTunes rank is not as high as our viewership reflects. Interesting. So if you're near a computer, it would really be helpful if you go to the iTunes store

and click on the subscribe button on our podcast because that really helps our rank and it shows advertisers that we're as legit as we are and that'll be very helpful as well and like leaving a review and stuff like we're really begging for it yeah well we never actually mentioned it before but now it's actually crucial because we're the ones responsible for it so reviews and subscriptions help a lot. If you did want to go that extra mile. Desperate much, Blumenfeld?

I need health insurance. Oh, I actually, yeah, I need that too. Yeah, so every little bit helps. All right, so how does this show work? People are in difficult places in their lives. Much like us. Yeah, and they're in need of advice and they'll email us to ifirewshow

at gmail.com and then we read these emails and try to advise these people. Sometimes it's just us and today that's the case too. Well, Kobe's always here. Yeah, he just hasn't said anything yet. Ugh. Alright, do you have

a name for a let's see if this is a guy or girl oh it's a girl a female name these are real emails from real people we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity right uh how about uh names like uh desica or famantha oh so it's like traditional names that you sort of tweak a little bit okay um rashly you added an r you didn't just change the a but i do like rashly thank you did you rashly come up with it uh yes all right here we Ready? Big fan of the show and the podcast. I'm coming to you roaches for some legit advice. I'm a young girl and my friend is the same age. He regularly reblogs pictures of girls' butts and tits and whatnot on his Tumblr. I had recently taken a more than taupe picture of my own ass in underwear, if it matters,

and after several filters and cropping it, thought it looked quite decent. I wanted to get his opinion before I sent it to this guy I have a thing with. Obviously, this was a dumb choice looking back, but I genuinely wanted to see if he could tell it was me. Well, he's a teenage boy, so of course his natural response was to want me send me some of his own nudes. Being the gentleman he is, he asked if I would critique his junk. I immediately rejected that, but he kept insisting that I give him advice on his nudes, whatever the hell that means. I then got a Snapchat notification, and not believing that he really did it, I opened it. I was face to face with this kid's wormy dick.

I have absolutely no idea what to do now because the icing on this turd cake is that he has a girlfriend. I know I have to tell her all this shit he's been messaging me about wanting to fuck and now this Snapchat, but I don't know how to approach it. I want to make it anonymous, but how? If I show her the messages, she might show it to him, and then our friendship is ruined. He keeps saying he wants to break up with her, so should I just wait a bit? Any advice is much needed. From you coy divas. Thanks a lot.

Love, Rashly. Rashly. Don't do anything rashly. Yeah, nice. So, what do you think she should do? Well, she sent this guy a picture of her butt. So she can't exactly tell on him, right? Right.

Because she's a little bit... She's involved in the illicit behavior. Whether she wanted to or not, she sort of started it. Right. She shouldn't have sent him a picture. That's a flirtatious move, I fear. Right. So what can she do now?

Do you tell? I don't think you have to tell. Do you think she'd tattle? I don't think it's necessarily her. Like, why does she want to tattle? Why does she want to tell? Because this guy. But she's not friends with the girl.

She's friends with the guy. Yeah, she's friends with the guy. She doesn't even know the girl. It seems like the allegiance should be with her friend, right? Well, it seems like there should just be no allegiance. Like, you aren't some kind of vigilante superhero that gets to, like, break up their relationship. That's, I recognize that his behavior is bad, but you were also, she was involved in it. And how would she possibly do it anonymously?

It's like, oh, I got this picture of a dick that you sent to Rashly, but I got it anonymously, so you can't get mad at Rashly. I guess the thing to do is if you, she says she's friends with this guy, like to the point where she doesn't want to mess up their friendship, so she should tell this guy that he should break up, just talk to him instead of the girlfriend. I feel like the advice should always be like, don't tell the person who's going to angrily dump somebody.

And you would advise the person, the cheaty. Not the cheater. Oh, wait, yeah. The cheater is the person that did the cheating. Yeah. So you advise the cheater, not the cheaty. so you tell the cheater what you've done is bad yeah think about it and now what do you think is the best course of action and they they are the ones that should break up so you don't go behind this guy's back and say to this girl hey this guy sent me photos yeah

because that causes a war and there doesn't need to be a war. There just needs to be a calm discussion. There needs to be a breakup. But then, like, maybe the person, there shouldn't be some, I don't know. It seems weird to light the fire of an explosive and walk away. Right. Is this cheating, sending someone a DP? I don't think so.

This is less than cheating. Yes, definitely. But if he's saying, like, I want to fuck you and stuff like that, and I want to break up with the girlfriend, then he should. I don't think that the dick pic alone is, like, too much. But I think that that combined with them talking about fucking and him saying that he wants to break up with this girl. I mean, they should break up. But is there like, maybe there's a woman code. Like, oh, this guy tried to cheat on his girl with me. I'm a girl. I got to let this other girl know.

Like, we're girls in this together. We got to alert girls of other terrible guys. I guess I understand that. But then at that point, why don't you just tell the guy, like, I'm going to tell your girlfriend that you tried to cheat on her unless you do. That seems weird. I don't know. I don't like that either. Well, that's pretty good.

It's like, if you don't tell her, I will. But then it's like blackmail. I feel like somebody gets murdered. Someone has to get murdered for that. This is a real, real tough one, I would say. Because then she also sent her the butt picture. So it's like, I sent your boy, you won't believe this girl too, I sent your boyfriend a picture of my ass just to, you know,

see if he would think it was my ass. And he sent me a picture of his dick back. Can you believe that ass? Yeah. She would get mad at you for sending the butt pic. Right. I don't think this guy, I don't think his transgressions were so deplorable that you need to tell his girlfriend. I think that she was involved in this situation.

And if she's not ready to take the same heat, like she's trying to do this anonymously, it's entrapment. Yeah. Another illegal thing. So you would say talk to the dude or not even or my advice is to remove yourself from this situation yeah like it's not i don't think anything so bad happened that she needs to like uh be a whistleblower but i like if anything if you really feel like you it's your moral obligation to be involved, talk to the guy. Advise him in a warm way, if you can, to get out of this relationship that he's not invested in, that he's not treating fairly. Right.

Her allegiance should be with the dude because that's her friend. If she was friends with the girl and the guy sent her a dick pic, you think she should say, tell her friend? Yeah, I guess if she was friends with the girl and this dude sent her a dick pic she didn't want, I could see her saying something to the girl. But then, I mean, not necessarily if she sent the ass pic because then you're having to tell your friend that you sent your boyfriend a picture of your butt. Oh, that's why you're saying it's entrapment. She like, she like got him riled up

and horny. Yeah, she put some horny juice on him. He's not accountable for what happens. You don't realize my ass was an aphrodisiac. I would never, I mean,

also sending a dick pic is just not something that would like turn me on. As a girl or a guy? A guy. He's like, please let me send you a picture of my dick. That's so intense. But I think he wanted to escalate it.

Like, you send me a picture of your butt, I'll send you a picture of my D, and then maybe you send me more photos back. Right. He was hoping for more back. Why did she send him a picture of her butt? She said she wanted to see if he knew that it was him, or if he knew that it was her. Do you think that's actually how naive she was about it?

I don't know. She wrote the email to, like, it seems like if she was not naive, she would tell us in the email. She does seem very, very naive. But she was like, ooh, oops, I guess I shouldn't have done that because then I think he took that the wrong way. Right. But I also don't want to blame her for getting a DP, a dick pic.

Right, because she, I mean, well, she also didn't specifically say the rest of their conversation. Like, like he said can i send you a dick pic and she said no and then he said and then he like pressed further like please let me and then she didn't say what she said back and then he sent her a snapchat you know she's almost like a a female john wolf this is kind of like jan Wolf. Yeah, Jan Wolf actually sends butt pictures to guys in relationships. And for the few that respond with dick pictures, she then turns around and tells their girlfriends about it. Wow. So, that's a classic John and Jan Wolf, the brother-sister duo. They're also married. They don't care about rules or laws. So if I were you,

what would you do? Not do anything about it. Remove myself from the situation. Just go away. Pretend it never happened. There's no need for her to be it. Like, why does anybody want to be in the middle of another couple's breakup? Yeah, breakups are the worst part of relationships. You don't want to have that on your conscience and then not even be in a relationship. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the equivalent.

She's in a smoking house. Yeah. And she's like, oh, I'll find the fire. You don't need to. You're not a firefighter. Just get out of the house. She also brought matches to this house. Yeah.

She's wandering around looking for the fire with a can of gasoline. Like attached to a care beaner in her back pocket. She's dangling around a canteen of gasoline. Can I be helpful here? No. Go away. Shoo. Shoo, you.

All right. That's it. Thank you, Jan Wolf, for writing in. Or no, what do we call her? Rashly. All right. Next question. We need a guy's name.

Okay. Not a problem. It's easy, actually. All right, you do it. Nen. Like Ben. Nenjamin. Nen writes,

I'm an 18-year-old college student from England, so I started to date this bitch from high school, and things have been going perfect. She's funny, but doesn't try to steal my friends, and rest assured, she's a goddamn 10-pence piece. The only problem is her dad. Ever since I turned 18, he keeps inviting me to go partying with him. This wouldn't usually be an issue because I like to party,

and I don't mean to brag, but people usually think I'm pretty cool because I do weed and I like to rap. However, I want to impress this guy because I can't afford to end my stay in Bonertown. The only way I can think to do this is by showing him I'm not afraid of drugs and stuff, and that I can bring home hot girls. Obviously, this isn't an option because of his daughter, right? I don't want to look like a complete pussy in front of him because I had to be taken home the last two times we partied together, so he thinks I don't know to look like a complete pussy in front of him because I had to be taken home the last two times we partied together so he thinks I don't know how to drink. Should I do weed with her dad so he respects me? Or just ditch this bee and seize that fishy cheese elsewhere?

Nen. God, Nen sucks in so many ways. He's a cool partier. He does weed and likes to rap. He can't bring home... People think I'm cool because I do weed and I like to rap. He can't bring home a chick to prove to his daughter's father that he's a pimp because of his daughter, right? Question mark?

Dot, dot, dot. Also, the last two times they partied... Or can I? Also, the last two times they partied, he had to be, the last two times they party, he had to be taken home. So the dad already thinks he's a pussy who can't drink. Right. So the only way to save this, because you're currently a lightweight... Is to do weed.

Is to be a lightweight who cheats on his daughter and offers him illegal drugs and raps. You want to make yourself slightly better. That would be making yourself like 10 times worse. Yeah, it's partying with your girlfriend's dad is a weird situation. You don't want to go down that rabbit hole. Whatever happened to the good old days where a guy would just take you hunting? I would hunt with my girlfriend's old man. Right, you actually shot your girlfriend's old man in the leg. I thought he was a bison. You challenged

him to a duel. We both lost. Has that ever happened? A duel where both people just died? I bet. Probably, right? Because once you get shot, you don't just like... You can still shoot. Yeah. And I bet... I'm sure it happened a lot.

That would be so sad. They challenge each other to a duel and they both just got shot in the head instantly. Both in the brain. It has to be so identical. It's funny if you're watching the one guy fall and you're like, yes! And then you turn and you're like, no!

Damn it! Turn to what? Oh, like if you're a spectator. If you're a spectator, yeah. The respectator's the respectators the duels right uh i hope so i thought you were saying like it'd be worse to be in that duel you shot him like yes and then you look down at the hole in your chest and you're like no god damn it now i'm dead too this duel wasn't worth it i actually heard that a lot of duels

ended in draws because people would shoot at the sky and that was like sort of like your way of bailing out oh that'd be funny if one guy did that and the other one didn't. We had a deal. That happened too. Or one guy just turns around and shoots his own head like a suicide duel.

Walking away. Has there ever been a duel, suicide duel? Yeah, they turn around and then they both shoot each other in the head. Interesting. There must have been some cowardly duels as they're taking the paces. Some guy just turns around and shoots them. Yeah not sticks are so high yeah i would cheat at a duel like what's the worst that could happen you survive well you would

probably get i don't know like the old vigilante laws but i bet you would get hanged yeah how do you not also how do you not rush it like when you're in the duel like all right but take five normal steps don't do it a little bit fast because then you'll kill me well i think there must have been a like a um a referee or something that's like yeah one two and turn it like god god wait one two three turn or we turn on like rock paper scissors yeah but you're two out of three with the duel all right so you shot me once let's uh back to one one two oh got me again all right fuck this is it too late does it double or nothing five come on i'm begging you coughing blood uh so should this guy be in a duel i forgot how we got got here. Well, I think it might, like, he's, I feel like he's wrong. He just feels lame.

But the dad probably, he gets a kick out of, like, sending this kid home. He's like, oh, this 18-year-old can't handle his liquor. That's, like, why he wants to take you out. Right. Maybe he's trying to pretend, try to be cool in front of you. Yeah. Because you're the youngster. And he, so, like like i think the only thing

you can really do to get him to like you is not to like one up him no dad wants to be one upped you're down to just weed and rap yeah you're not you're too you're too strong suits you're too young to be equals is what i like just don't do weed don't do rap don't do the cheating on his uh on his daughter all your options are bad trying to get him to have an affair with his with a young girl i want to prove to him that his daughter's dating a pimp so i feel like i have to take down a chick his major fear is that his daughter is dating a pimp he would love that his daughter is dating a lightweight who doesn't know how to drink right you're doing it right accidentally so far. So just be respectful and nice.

Continue to be sent home in a car because you can't handle your alcohol. I almost said be yourself, but definitely don't do that. Yeah, because the way you are isn't good. Be better you. Be a better you. Starting today.

Your stay in Bonertown is undeserved. Yeah. But as long as you're there, they won't kick you out unless you don't fuck up So we highly recommend not fucking up Ditch this Oh yeah, and don't ditch this bee And seize that fishy cheese elsewhere either

Appreciate what you have Alright, let's take a break A breather Yeah, and we'll be right back with more of this. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments

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are the last three people that left us good reviews on our itunes store oh kind of a man is a pretty good uh. Yeah, it's like very self-deprecating. And what was the other one? Axe Darkstone. That's also really cool. Yeah, and then Big Underscore Tuna. Which is fine. So if you do subscribe

and leave a... The office reference. Yeah, which is good. At Helms. Shout out. If you do subscribe and leave a review, well, thank you. So thank you to the latest three who have done that. How are you feeling now that you don't have to do any Jake and Amir stuff anymore? Fine, right?

Yeah, it feels fine. Yeah, because we released an episode yesterday. The weird thing will be next Tuesday when we don't. I don't know if that will be weird either. How about the Tuesday after that? I don't know if that will be weird either. How about the Tuesday after that? I don't know. The third Tuesday from today? That's when it'll hit me.

Yeah, and then the fourth one I'll be back to find. Doesn't it feel like it ended a while ago? Because we already finished shooting a while ago. We finished shooting them. So yeah, it's been two months. Yeah. So, I don't know. It's already hit me. It hit me day right that day that we wrapped that was

the that was the time where it hit you the most i think that was where it hit me the most and then also when we were editing the credits right it hit me a lot like watching old outtakes and stuff and i was just like thinking about the old offices right that was really neat it was fun yesterday we uh were watching old videos on periscope oh yeah that was fun periscope you guys should get into that or at the very least watch it when we do it it's a live video stream yeah remember when we used to live stream like we would do every time we had like a big announcement yeah we would do like a u stream and it was so it was such like an intense project we would like announce it the day of and promote it all day and then it would start and it wouldn't work yeah it was really and you just like be reading twitter and refreshing i don't know it was always like freezing and breaking now we can

we just like pull it up and launch it in a second the tweets show up on the screen yeah it's pretty convenient it's pretty convenient. It's really nice. And we tweet when we do it. So if you follow us on Twitter, twitter.com slash jakeandamir. And I think it saves it for a day. So you can watch it for the next day, too. It was just us live streaming on our phone, watching old videos that I had completely forgotten about.

Yeah, we were just like, people were suggesting videos for us to watch. And we'd watch them and kind of give commentary, also just like laugh at jokes that we forgot that we made or roll our eyes at jokes that we didn't like anymore yeah like set me what was blow blow what was the one where i'm yelling i go into the room and i'm oh blowing up blowing up that was really funny i completely forgot about that you answer the phone you're either you're like you never like you never say hello you instantly start crying the first time then the second time you start screaming and the third time you start yelling in a different language a made-up language and you every single time you end the phone call by saying call me call me back why are you getting off the phone why does he have to call you back you're already talking to him

also when do you ever pick up the phone and the first thing you yell is no what could have been happening it's almost like hey only call me if this awful thing is happening like if my if your parent doesn't make it through surgery, call me. Yeah. If everything is fine, don't call me. A weird deal to make with the devil doctor. How are you feeling? Fine.

We're going to Australia. Jesus Christ. No, it's fun. I didn't realize it was fun to read all the commentary about how, like, when the last episode was released for some for whatever reason i thought it would be like met with the same amount of like feedback as any of our other final episodes or when we were saying we were gonna end the show but we got like a lot of tweets and facebook messages and posts on our subreddit about how people who either watched back in the

day and not anymore watch now but not back in the day or all throughout the seven years were like personally affected by this eight years. Oh yeah. Almost exactly eight years. It's crazy. In April of 2007 was when we did the trust fall, the quick characters one. Oh wow.

That is nuts. So it was great to read all the feedback from people who have been watching us for eight long years. I wanted like more celebrities to chime in, actually. Like there wasn't a lot of, a lot of the people. That's how you feel? A lot of the people that like, were like, oh, this is great. They ended up being normals.

Yeah, I would click on their Twitter account. They would have like, whatever the fuck, 400 Twitter followers or something. It's not bad. But a lot, it's fine. But like a lot of like this. A lot of people. I wanted like, I would click on their Twitter account. They would have like whatever the fuck, 400 Twitter followers or something. It's not bad. But a lot, it's fine. But like a lot of like this. It's a lot. I wanted like, I don't know. Is this, I feel like this is shallow to say,

but I wanted like a millionaire to say this is good. It is shallow to say. It's good that you feel like that. You should sometimes feel like that so much that you don't say it. I wanted rich and like famouses to say like. I wanted Elon Musk to just mention me. Elon Musk or Eli Manning to like chime in and be like,

they changed the game. Or Ellie Goulding. Yeah. Just any. I feel like a lot of the times what people posted that were nice were from our friends. It was like a favor of sorts. Not a favor. It's like a favor of sorts. Not a favor.

It's just a friend being nice. You want attention from people who aren't your friends. Yeah, I want famous fans to chime in and be like... Can you do me a favor? The balcony right here? Uh-huh. Jump off. Go.

Jump off of it. What are you talking about? Just jump off of it. No way, dude. You won't die. I'll hurt myself. Yeah. I'll break my ankles for sure.

That's fine. Watch this. I'm going to do it and land. No way, dude. You won't die. I'll hurt myself. Yeah. I'll break my ankles for sure. That's fine. Watch this. I'm going to do it and land on my side, asshole. My legs are going to be fine. I broke my hip and dislocated my shoulder. Yeah, bitch. Yeah, bitch. Just really confident but sad at the same time.

You also cracked your head. It was like when I was texting you the other day. We're like, sorry, bitch. I apologize for that, bitch. What was it head it was like when we were i was texting you the other day we're like sorry bitch i apologize oh yeah bitch what was it it's like i was saying bitch at the end of the sentence a lot right but i was oh we rented your room out oh yeah you're like where do i park bitch well then i'm kind of fucked bitch i'm kind of up shits creek without a paddle bitch i was like look at every text you've ever sent me. They all end with bitch. You're like, I'm sorry, bitch.

I really apologize, bitch. Looking back on it, I don't know how it happened this way, bitch. I did not mean to offend, bitch. I'm an asshole, bitch. I feel so, so sorry, bitch. I don't know what I can do to make it up to you bitch alright

Australia, Sydney is now an all ages show fuck yeah it is how's that for progress shows in Melbourne and Sydney almost sold out now that Sydney's all ages the floodgates are open get them while they're not all the locations and dates are on our website ifireashow.com But now that Sydney's all ages, that one's going to tip. The floodgates are open. Get them while they're not.

All the locations and dates are on our website, ifireyoushow.com. We're going to Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne. Not Melbourne, you dumb American asshole. It's Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. Sydney. Adelaide.

Perth. Brisbane. We're going to five cities in five days in June. Is it six days? I think we have a day off. Oh, thank God. Do you know where it is? I think it's in between.

I think it's in Perth. We should go to the middle of Australia and see what's what. The dead middle. Well, we'll never come back. Yeah. I heard there's just hundreds of square miles that haven't been touched by a human foot. It's crazy. Yeah. I bet there's like a crazy snake there.

Yeah. It's like 12 inches. I swear there's a- A double garden snake. Isn't it garter? Oh, really? Cool. You just believe me.

So, yeah. Hopefully we'll see you in Australia. All right. You want to answer one last question before we have to go? Yeah. We need, we desperately need actually another guy's name. Uh, Lom. Who?

Lom. What's his full name? Tom. Lomas? Lomas. Or Lominick. Oh, it's wonderful. I did Lom because it was Ben and Thomas

That's what I was thinking of Oh, very good So I'm 23 years old, writes Lom And have been dating my GF for more than five years We're both legit seven-cent pieces And the relationship has been more or less great for five years Minus the occasional minor squabble We both seem to be pretty much in love

Todah, right? Well, not exactly. I've been out of town for about two months working for a company. Where I'm located is about two hours close to some pretty cute girls I studied abroad with in Europe back in college and have been hanging out and staying with them on the weekends because I don't have any other friends. My girlfriend knows about this and is totally cool with it, which is one of the

many reasons I love her. The problem is that I've got some pretty legit chemistry with one of these particular cute study abroad girls, and that has made me unexplainably giggly and excited in the way that only new relationships can. I don't plan to try anything physical and haven't even so much as masturbated to the thought of this new girl drowning in my cum. I have, however, happily fantasized about smaller, cuter things such as,

you know, spending the day at the park alone, jamming to some chill tunes, etc. Are affairs of the heart equally as bad or even worse than affairs of the cock? Should I tell my GF or should I just quit being a pussy and shove it under the carpet? Keep in mind, I'm leaving in a month, so I won't even have to see this new girl after that. Something about this whole situation feels wrong to me, but at the same time, I really like this new feeling,

so I don't know. What do you guys think? I think this guy is so much nicer than the weed smoker rapper boy. Yeah, this guy wants to know if he should tell his girlfriend that he's been having uh flirtatious thoughts about somebody they're really cute ones too which actually i think is very it is it would be very threatening to hear like baby i been fantasizing about having a picnic with this girl. Yeah. It's almost worse.

Definitely. Yeah. Because it's not even just a pure, raw sexual thing. So, for sure, you're too sweet and you're not going to do anything. So, obviously, don't tell your girlfriend. You moron. You fool. You have to be more of an asshole.

Yeah. Yeah. This stuff comes up when you're in a relationship for a while. Like, oh, you start to have crushes. The trick is when do you crush the crush? Because you don't want to like, some people get that crushy feeling and they like playing with fire. They're like, oh, let me talk to this girl a little more. Oh, I'm just texting her.

It's totally innocuous. But just the fact that you're texting her gives you little bursts of micro thrills. And then you get bored of that micro thrill and you want a little more. Like, oh, let me send her a photo of me. That's completely innocuous and fine. Still legal. Still legal, still subtle, still glocal, still good. And then things start, that's how it seems like it escalates from there. Yeah, yeah. You just, you got to be careful.

You got to cut it off before it gets having a crush is very dangerous but it's also sweet and it's harmless and you don't need to share your like innocent crushes with your significant other i don't think yeah that's a danger you're allowed to have those those are like pure those that's like your pure form of fun do you think that's an indicator of something? Like when you're in the beginnings phases of a relationship, you don't really get crushes on other people. Or I should say, I speak for my own self. Like, oh, I have a crush on this person.

This is what's exciting. Yeah, I am the same exact way. And then that excitement sort of begins to dissipate. And then you're like, oh, now there's this newer person, a newer thing that's even more exciting because she represents something that I found even more recently. And she likes the current version of me the most. I only like things that are shiny.

Yeah, new. Unlike my black heart. My matte black heart. Matte cracked black heart. But is that an indication that your relationship is flawed in a way or is that just going to happen? I think that's always going to happen. I don't know.

Maybe there are some relationships that are like, it couldn't possibly, that are as exciting as like the first two months. Nothing is like that. Actually, I heard there's like, I'm going to butcher it because I'm a moron, but there's like actual science behind it where like when you meet somebody. Chemically. Yeah, chemically you meet somebody. Chemically. Yeah, chemically. You're, oh fuck, what's it called?

I mean, your endorphins are being released. You're happy. Serotonin? Yes. Serotonin. It's like being released into your head. You're like filled with it. Like the same chemicals that are released when you're on Molly,

where you just feel like euphoric and happy and connected to everything. And life is beautiful. And you're singularly focused on one person. And obviously that wears off. But then there's another chemical that comes into your brain. And it's called norepinephrine or something like that. Which is Tylenol. Which is norephrine.

Norephrine. Epinephrine or something like that. Which is Tylenol. Which is norephrine. Norephrine. Epinephrine pen. And that's like your attachment and loyalty and dependence on something. So that starts to give you a different drug. So that's like something that ensures a relationship lasts long. Because even though you're not getting the same serotonin dump that you are, you're still getting a Nora Ephron. That's what it is.

You're not like getting that rush of dopamine from somebody. You have like, you've formed an attachment to them and you feel loyal to them. The question is, is your brain the kind of brain that prefers the Nora Ephron epiphany pen, or does it prefer the doper? The Nora Ephron EpiPen. The Nora Ephron EpiPen.

Or are you a dope, a me? Yeah. Or are you a dope and mean? A dope like me. I don't know. The Chemistry of Cheating is an article I want someone else to write. Ideally, it is a short documentary that i can watch on youtube uh-huh yeah if i can get motion graphics everything i

want to learn should be a documentary like i'm not going to read an eight page article on robert it's not fair to me but i'll fucking watch six episodes of the jigs you do the research you edit it together and i'll sit and look at it and i'll steal it from my dad's hbo go account and that's fair i'm not gonna sit and read words that'll be a waste of my time a waste of yours so what should this guy do um as long as you can not do anything inappropriate because having small fantasies in your head are obviously not inappropriate uh as long as you can not push it too far there's nothing you need to tell your girlfriend right now right and when you get back maybe you even use some of that uh some of the blood that's rushing around in your body to inject it into your relationship like you know what i

want to reconnect with you let's listen to some tunes let's go to park. Or you can just fuck your girlfriend and think about this new girl. Yeah, that's another option. Yeah, that way you can cum. Yeah, or if you really, if you feel like you'll never get this girl out of your head and you want to break up with your girlfriend, then you should break up with your girlfriend and explore new stuff because that's allowed too. Yeah. And then when you get bored of this new girl, you can always go back to your girlfriend

who should probably be waiting for you because you guys are probably in love. She'll never take you back. But you know what? You could just go from new thing to new thing to new thing. There will be always, always, always something new. And you will be lonely forever. You'll always be excited. You won't have a family, but at the very least, you'll have a new girl every five to, I don't

know, seven months. It's kind of like how we're dealing with living. We just Airbnb hop. Yep. We need an Airbnb, but for chicks. Wow, that's sexist. So a six-month sublet. Jesus Christ.

This is me on a first date. She's already in the bathroom crawling out the window. Why does she have to escape? I would have let her leave at the front door. This is only a bar. She wanted you to wait for her. All right. That's it.

Thank you for listening today and always. Yes. Gracias, indeed. And thank you for all the, if you reached out to us about our web series ending, we appreciate that as well. We do appreciate that. We'll be back on Monday with more questions and answers.

If you have your own questions for yourself, send it to ifireadyshow at gmail.com. Every episode of this podcast starts and ends with a new original theme song. Can you believe that? A new original theme song? The first one was written by, you know,

Jamulja, and this last one was written by Cameron. We also need, we also, I should say we appreciate the thumbnails that we're getting for our Facebook page. Every time we post about the podcast, it's good to use a new cool photo, and you guys are so talented, so keep sending

those over as well. We'll be back on Monday with a special guest. Let's not give too much away, but let's just say he's global. See you soon! If I were you and you were me We'd be together and seize the cheese And listen to the podcast show right now