Segments - 147: Strangling (w/Jon Wolf!)

Episode Date: April 13, 2015

Jon "Global" Wolf joins us to discuss heights, bites, and fights. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, DraftKings, and DollarShaveClub! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do if i were you come on and seize the cheese they'll make fun of all your problems shake the douche and i'm here Short, huh? Short and not sweet. You called me a douche. That was to the theme or a parody of the Adventure Time theme song. I'm sure everybody here knew about that, just to reiterate it. Thank you, Lewis, for writing that and recording it.

John Wolfe, do you watch Adventure Time? I do. Ladies and gentlemen, you just heard John Global, Glocal Wolf, speak for the first time on camera. Howdy. Dave Rosenberg.

So, for those of you who don't remember, don't know, or haven't listened to our podcast before, we've regaled people with stories about you, John. You found out. How did you find out that we were talking? Because we didn't know that it was going to happen until it happened. And it just came out. And it felt right.

And then we started telling stories about you. And then stories just came out of the woodwork about you. Right. I guess you have a long reach. Yeah, about this guy, this John Wolf guy. How did I find out about the John Wolf? How how did i find out about the john wolf how did john wolf find out about the stories yeah well i was minding my own business already sounds like a lie but continue um objection leading conjecture all right so you're reminding you i was minding my own business

i get all these tweets from people uh hey john wolf you're minding your own business. I was minding my own business. I get all these tweets from people. Hey, John Wolf, you're such a coy diva roach. Hey, you asshole. How could you do that? I can't believe you could do such a thing. And I was like, what? Very vague. Vague tweets.

And I was like, coy diva roach. That's some Jake and Amir language right there. Yeah, that's true. Let me see what's up. On their podcast, that Monday, episode 119 came out. The Wolf. Oh, yeah. And I saw that title. Was that all because it was John Wolf?

There was nothing else? Yeah, it wasn't. It was like we're talking about people that are just good guys. And then It was like, we're talking about people that are just good guys, and then we're talking about people that are bad guys. You said some very nice things about George Basil, which I completely agree with. Yeah, he's a good guy. And then we were like, who do we hate?

And then we just talked about John. And all the non-illegal, very subtle dickling things. Did you know that I listened to the podcast? Or were you just like gonna talk shit about me regardless i think we thought well i mean you're the one that said it you said his name for the first time yeah i think i was i was hoping i guess i was looking for a name in our actual lives instead of making one up sure and then i had actually heard all these evil

things about you so the all came out and it felt so natural yeah uh so you hurt you i'm sorry you heard you were being honest for a second yeah um well i think i feel like you just said wanted to say the name of somebody that was pretty nice yeah and like seemingly nice yeah seemingly nice and then I, rather than say like, what are you talking about? He's a nice guy. I just jumped on. I was like, yes, he is a dick. Cause I had heard these things as well.

And then it was sort of like. From whom? I felt like I was in a safe place and I could talk about. I ran a bake sale and gave the proceeds to the KKK. Like who said, who was, who is saying those things besides you guys? Because you want to off them. Yeah. I got to know who they are

so I can put them on my list. I have a list of really short stories that I've heard about you. Can you just say true or false to some of these? Sure. You bring fast food on an airplane but never eat it.

False. So like you have a flight coming up and then you'll buy like two Whoppers and fries so it sort of smells bad for other people yeah or like it smells good yeah never actually sort of just like a bad thing to have on an airplane because either like you like the smell and you wish you had a whopper you don't or you dislike the smell of fast food and you smell it your whole entire plane ride but you never actually you never actually eat it you just sort of keep

it under your seat that's a really good one yeah no i, I don't do that. What do you usually do on an airplane? How do you fuck with people? How do you fuck with people on an airplane? I usually sit in the aisle seat and then pretend I'm asleep so they can't get out. So they can't get out? Yeah. And if you don't,

it depends on what seat he has. If he finds out he has a window, he will chug water after water. Oh, no. So he does have to pee. He just has to keep constantly getting wet, and he'll do this on a red eye yeah he'll actually take the red eye for no apparent reason he'll then take the next flight back to you with the other coat or who or the opposite like you were saying you just you

sit in an aisle seat you pretend to be asleep with like do not resuscitate i yeah do not wake up sign on me do not disturb yeah and nobody can get out and you only fly when you're congested so that you snore loudly yeah yeah i heard that too um you shit at starbucks but don't lock the door so people walk in on you and then they're they feel bad but you didn't technically do that perfect global yeah that, that is global to a T. Because you're not doing anything bad. You're just sort of putting people in a bad position. Making someone's day way worse.

Well, the door's closed. Yeah, unlocked. That's right. And if someone knocks, you say nothing. Which is fine. I want them to come in. You have earbuds in, but you're not listening to music. Is that true? No. Oh, that's also false. That is also false. No, but you're not listening to music. Is that true?

No. Oh, that's also false. That is also false. No, I don't poop in public bathrooms. Can't do it. I got a laundry list of other things. But you know what? At the end of the day, this is an advice podcast.

Right. So I think we should do our best to advise these people, these real people out of their sticky situations. People will email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com, and they're in a difficult place. And me and Jake, you know, we'll offer our guidance. Sometimes it's just us, and sometimes John Wolf joins us. And this is it.

This is that first time. Can I just say up top, thank you guys so much for having me on. Oh, no, of course. I'm more than honored. Oh, good. You're more than honored. Flattered. Nice. me on oh no of course i'm more than honored oh good more than honored yeah flattered yeah nice i feel like i feel like we're talking to this is like my version of the jinx right now

like to be able to sit across he's blinking a lot listeners at home you can't see but he's he's blinking a lot his eyes are black when your eyes are really close to the microphone so we can hear it um yeah thank you guys. This is really a huge fan of the podcast. No problem. Second thing I want to say real quick. Sure. Mom, just turn it off.

Oh, your mom also listens. Does your mom listen? My parents, they're very supportive. They follow me on Twitter and Tumblr and all that stuff. And mom, we will talk about this. I'll let you know how it went, but not why it went or where. I'm telling you right now, Mom, I love you, but you do not want to be listening.

Just a quick message for my mom because she listens as well. You're the best mom in the world, better than any other mothers that have been mentioned so far. Oh, it's not a competition. It absolutely is a competition. I don't think that's what he meant by that. You know what? it's not a competition. It absolutely is a competition. I don't think that's what he meant by that. You know what? It's not a competition. Because my mom has first place.

You can leave it on. You have two mothers? No, no, no. Your mom got first place out of two. That's not saying all that much. Also, if it's first place, then it is a competition. If it's not a competition, then it is a place. Well, it's not a competition.

If my mom won first place, the competition is over. So it was a competition. It was a competition, but it's not a competition, then it's my mom won first place. The competition is over. So it was a competition. It was a competition, but it's not currently a competition. Can I just read this question? Actually, no. Not until you admit to me. All right, we need a girl's name. Global, what do you got?

Maybe someone from your life. Let's go with Iris West. Whoa. Who is that? She's a character on The Flash, the CW, 8 o'clock on Tuesdays. Oh, you can't plug that shit, dude. All right. Here's my problem, writes Iris West.

I'm a 19-year-old girl from New Zealand, and I don't think I'm particularly unattractive, but there's one thing that is letting me down. I'm 6'1", and while that's not ridiculously tall, I feel like it's the first thing guys notice and I worry it turns them off. I've had crushes on shorter guys, but they've never really been interested in me. And when they are interested,

it feels weird going on dates with them. And I feel like people are staring at us. Am I just being paranoid? Even guys the same height as me tend to bring it up. Does a girl have to be shorter than her boyfriend? And would either of you two date a girl that's taller than you? My dad says short guys will get short man syndrome. Get insecure and beat me up.

But is it rude to eliminate an entire group of the population from my dating pool just because of their height? Thanks, Irish West. Is it rude to emancipate yourself from your father for saying that i'm sure he was just joking jesus uh have you ever dated someone taller than you um probably probably but i'm six two so someone taller than me is like an inch taller than me maybe you dated a six foot three inch it's definitely possible freak of nature the thing is this is new zealand so like she's actually the shortest girl there.

Right. Yeah, everyone in New Zealand is 6'4 plus. Well, I was going to say. Yeah, no, but everyone else in New Zealand are hobbits. Yeah. She's a giant. Yeah, she's three and a half feet taller than everybody else. That's true.

She's a troll, an ogre. Have you dated someone taller than you, Jake? Well, I've definitely fucked somebody that was taller than me. For sure. How's that? Great. I would date, I don't think, I mean, I never really dated. What is dating?

Yeah. Like, not really. What is it? What would you consider? Oh my God. Like more than. You've just never even heard of it? Like I've had sex with him.

It's probably like spending. Three or four times. Oh, I meant. Three or four times with someone. Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, maybe. Or at night. Yeah.

Then never. I've never done that. Like if hanging out with a girl when the sun is out yeah oh yeah no and we're not drunk uh oh that's morning it's just like thinking or caring about someone that um you see on a regular basis yeah beyond just the physical attraction right of course um jesus i sound like global now uh no i No, I've certainly been attracted to girls that are taller than me. I have been. It's Delam. That's great.

I mean, this girl, I feel like P6-1 is awesome. That's not a problem. Amazonian goddess. Yeah. I think it's almost up to the guys. If she doesn't care, then it's up to the guy. But she does care. She does care.

We have to convince her not to care. That's her job. I don't know if she can not care. How can you tell a thought not to be happening while it's happening? Well, because you quell her fear by saying there are plenty of guys, short guys and tall guys, who like tall girls and are attracted to tall girls. Yeah, like you're not a mongoloid freak. And then when you date someone who's smaller than you,

it doesn't look like you're a ventriloquist and this guy's just your dummy. A koala clamped onto the pencil that is your freakish frame i mean my god six foot one you you you abomination not legally if not an inch uh but then it is a thing that girls talk about a lot i feel like the I feel like one of the things girls talk about the most is like, I would never date someone shorter than me. Right. Well, that's a regular-sized girl saying that. Not giantesses.

Right. That's like girls who are 5'6 or 5'4. Right. Right. So that's just like I wouldn't want to date somebody who's that. Right. But that's a personal choice, right? Like those girls who are 5'6 saying they don't want to date anyone shorter than them they've decided what they like

yeah it sounds like iris is letting everyone else decide what she likes her dad or like all these people who are what's your angle here in public i'm trying to make her feel better about herself yeah right dude what's the long con long con is probably her flying to america and us going out how tall did you say you were uh six two oh perfect i feel like the long con is john is really good on this podcast starts his own advice podcast oh it's really it gives great thoughtful kind advice for dozens of episodes yeah And then once, just once, it switches it up. Yeah.

Just be negative to one person. Wow. And then he's already gained the respect of the community of listeners. He can ostracize anybody at that point. Right. Because he's earned it. This is like Hitler level bullshit actually. It's such a deep level of commitment.

Yeah. Like the John Wolf that you guys talk about is has unlimited time unlimited resources yeah that's a fly back and forth on red eyes it's kind of like the character we write for me i'm just infinitely wealthy when i need to be right yeah yeah we don't limit our imagination by things like time and money sure we can't uh so would you say uh this girl should date guys that are shorter than him her i think this girl should date guys that she likes that like her and don't make her feel bad about how tall she is yeah i agree oh fine we solved it yeah it's solved next i feel like all she needs to hear is over and over again that it's fine to be tall.

But what if the guy has an issue with it? That she shouldn't date that guy. Yeah. Oh, so she has to be cool with it, and she also has to date someone that's cool with it. Yeah, because it sounds like she's not... I mean, it's going to be hard for her to be cool with it. So she really needs to date somebody that's very cool with it to help her be cool with it. And if you... One of her questions was, would you date someone that's taller than you?

Yes. You would date someone who's 6'5"? That wouldn't make you seem... I would definitely think about it. It's hard not to think about. I mean, especially, like, how would I meet this person? Maybe at a bar, through a friend. A WNBA game.

A WNBA, yeah. Yeah, you're, like, waiting out back, waiting to sign autographs. I would never write anybody off. Yeah. So, yes, I would consider dating somebody who was uh any height oh that's really offensive i won't even say why but what about you the next one you did no fucking way she's got to be five seven five seven to five nine flathead how much does she weigh oh great question exactly 129 not a pound before or. Or not a pound less or more.

So I weigh her every day. Jesus, like a wrestler? Yeah. She has to weigh into my bed. I've seen girls spit out four pounds of saliva just to hook up with me. Oh, jeez. That is something the wrestlers do, right? Yeah, if they weigh in at too much.

Can I ask you another question? A true-false-ism about you, John? Well, just because I want to get to the bottom of a lot of these stories. Of course, you've got a laundry list to get through. In crowded areas, you'll text yourself just so it makes the noise and everyone thinks they're getting a text

and you never check your phone. No, I don't do that. But you do think that's funny? I thought so so but you did like it that's the type of shit i did like i think that's funny i had a a prank idea like six months ago or something where you uh you you get your friend's ringtone and you record it and you put it put this some device like in their apartment that just randomly plays the text ringtone every once in a while.

Yeah, that's sort of the same thing. Very softly. Yeah, that's very subtle and it's very... Completely legal. Not illegal. I don't want to be... I just saw you... I don't want to interrupt the podcast,

but I saw John Wolfe turn his phone on loud and he took it off airplane mode. So he's going to be doing that to everyone. I mean, I just don't know. I don't know what his angle is, but maybe he's expecting a phone call in the middle of i just don't know what his angle is but maybe he's expecting a phone call in the middle of the podcast it just might the really subtle thing is i'm not yeah so it's not even my fault he just is fucking with you so you'd bring it up right

christ that's how deep i'm inside you that's i'm so incepting you right now when john produces music videos he uh puts police sirens in them so that when people are listening to them in the car. No, I think that's fucked up. Songs should not be allowed to have police sirens or honks in them. That should be a law. When we figure out the rest of society, that should be the first law that they try to pass. When everything else is going good. Right.

There's been a decade of peace. Now we can finally tackle a honk in a music song. A war breaks out. At least the radio edits. Yeah. At the very least. All right. Can I read another question?

Sure. This one's from another girl, if you can believe it. All right. This is Ladies Night. Ladies Night. Let's go with Caitlin Snow. Is that another comic book? Guys, I'm a huge fan of The flash wow you really you're a nerd yeah

it's a really good show i highly recommend it uh all right say that again caitlin snow caitlin snow so she's a doctor dr caitlin snow sorry i apologize to this fictional character that i didn't give her enough reverence for the fictional doctorate degree that she got. It's funny that we made you a supervillain for somebody who likes comic books and stuff. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. All right. Ready?

Caitlin Snow writes, So a couple days ago, my best friend of five years strangled me over a banana. Like, I took her banana off a table in a real childish way, which I totally didn't think would cause any harm. And she totally overreacted by saying, I will strangle you until you give it back, which I thought was a joke or something, but then she came from behind and cut off my air supply for several seconds. When she let go after I gave her back the prized banana, she totally acted like nothing had happened and even offered me to take a bite out of it.

After she realized how badly I had been affected by this, she seemed really remorseful and kept apologizing, saying she just flipped or something. She's had serious mood swings throughout time, throughout the time I've known her, and she can get pretty mean, but this is the first time she's physically attacked me. I don't want to ruin her school life, which I feel like I would do by reporting what she did to a teacher. But at the same time, at the moment, I feel like I really don't want her

to get away with what she did to me without any form of consequence. Is this about the banana? Is there more than just the banana? Seriously, she strangled me. Thanks for the help. Stay hashtag dope. Love, Caitlin Snow.

Oh, Caitlin. I'm really lost i went through uh i had a change of heart in the middle of that oh what were you thinking before and then what was the change of heart well i was thinking like don't be friends with this girl anymore like this girl strangled you that's bad and then this girl was all of a sudden like i'm gonna tell the teachers like oh don't do that. Come on. Easy does it. It's a strict no snitching policy around here. Yeah. You can't snitch. Yeah.

Strangling is so real. Like, I've never been choked for real. That must be very startling. Like, all she had to do was let go of the banana. Yeah, she did. It's her fault. Blame the victim. Oh, yeah.

Shit. I mean, here's a question for you, Caitlin, if you're listening. She's not. Okay, never mind. No, no, no, let's hear it anyway. Have you talked to your friend seriously about this? Like, if it's this important to you and it's affecting you this much where you don't want to be partnered in school with your best friend of five years,

then maybe you should talk to her about it. But this is one-time thing she strangled her but she strangled her once but she has a history of mood swings i i fucking hate to say it but i agree with glocal again really yeah i think we me and him are gonna start a podcast together this is what he wants don't it's not oh my god he's telling i don't want advice no stop please we're we just get along better me and him will probably start we're gonna start our own podcast dude i'm telling you you shouldn't start a podcast with him you don't you know he's so him man oh my god he's a nice guy he actually said you'd be talking talking Talk to me out of it. Has anybody choked you before? Not in that context, sure.

It was a grapefruit. Well, like in bed, sure. Really? Yeah. But for real choke, not just grab it. Mrs. Wolf, if you're still listening, turn it off. I told you. This shit is about to get juicy.

Your son is into some illicit behavior. You choked someone or you got choked? I got choked. Really? By who? Well, do I know him? Obviously not. Do I know him?

What are they doing right now? I don't want to fucking hang out. Was it just once or was it like a... It was just once. Was it nice? It was okay. She was like, I want to choke you. Yeah, she was like, can I choke you? to choke you yeah she was like can i choke you oh so she

wanted to choke yeah and it's like it's fine when it's like oh i'm squeezing your neck muscle but like was she like squeezing down on your like trachea like actually cutting off oxygen that's the part where i wasn't really into it like oh that's what she did she actually like went for the actual strangulation it just wasn't like it wasn't just like a playful squeeze on the neck it was like actually cutting air off to your brain and she's pretty dedicated i would say oh yeah she's this girl i mean she you know struggled for a full minute i don't know i don't know reaching for anything on the coffee table she was a vigilante hero who was set to murder him.

It was a really, really long con because then I had the fingerprints on my neck and then I went into the police station and I said, this was not consensual. Yeah, you were wearing a prosthetic neck that actually held indentation longer than normal. No, she was cool.

But it was like, ultimately no, but I told her and then she didn't do it so that's my advice for caitlin you know it doesn't seem like your friend is gonna strangle you again right because you've learned your lesson not to take her bananas you should have you know what you should have done what i should have given her your banana nice right that was a good one your dick is curved and yellow i did see you urinate earlier yeah yeah that is not it has legal at all it has the same contour subtle curve yeah borderline of boomerang sure a couple brown spots here only that time of the month where it gets a little less ripe. I think you got to just get over it, right?

I mean, what are you going to have a talk with her? Don't strangle me anymore. She didn't. It was a one-time thing. She's apologizing. It's over. Don't have like a heavy-handed talk with her. Just be like, hey, that wasn't cool.

I don't know when this question happened. She already said that. She already said that she apologized. What did she say when this girl, like, I guess we don't know what this girl said when the other girl apologized Say the other girl apologized And she's like no no no it's fine And then she's like saying I'm going to go tell the teachers And it wasn't fine

Then like she I think she has to Explicitly say I appreciate you Apologizing that wasn't cool I didn't like it Never lay a finger on me again It is weird when things get super real Like amongst friends I feel like the on me again. It is weird when things get super real, like amongst friends. Like, yeah,

I feel like the closest thing I've gotten is like when somebody called shotgun and the other person just steals it. And then it's like an actual physical altercation to get that a real person out of a seat. Yeah. Yeah. At the end of the day, you're both going to whatever place you're both going to the movies,

man. The backseat's fine. Yeah. I, it's, I like the backseat. You just like text the entire time. man. The backseat's fine. Yeah, it's better. I like the backseat. You just text the entire time. Yeah, that's the best part. You can't text in shotgun.

It's not polite. I shot in the backseat often. The bitch. I don't do that. John will shotty bitch seat and then just spread his legs out really wide. That's so in the very long six two legs totally legal spidery legs totally totally subtle uh i think you i that happens more with guys i think where you like get into like a playful fight and then it turns real yeah girls

don't have with you and dave yeah all the time and happened with me and jeff too and it happens with me and my brother like but it blows over, though. Yeah. Well, I guess this isn't exactly that. But you're playfully fighting. But then you actually want to assert your dominance. You're like, oh, I want to win. Right. In this joke fight.

And then you get really serious. You get mad. Somebody elbows you in the face by accident. And it actually hurts. And then you start punching. Right. It crosses that threshold where it becomes real. But I feel like that happens to dudes.

I don't. I've never heard of, I rarely hear of like girls getting into a physical fight with each other. Especially strangling someone. Yeah. Dave has definitely strangled me. He's strangling me. It's so funny when things get too real, you're like, no, stop, stop. I'm serious, Dave.

Stop it. I really can't breathe. I would never say that. but i feel that all the time i punched jeff in the neck once oh really yeah it's pretty funny and did he say stop that that actually hurt yeah i mean almost immediately because i shouldn't have done that stop it that actually hurt what are you doing did he did he take your banana or he was like i think he was like saying he was like egging me out like come at me like saying you can't do anything whatever and then I meant to just tackle him

but I sort of just like punched him in the throat as I was going to so do bring it up I say don't bring it up I say at least don't bring it up to the teachers if she apologizes again

like you say she keeps on apologizing this is between friends that's so funny to imagine her walking into class like I told our science teacher that you strangled me three weeks ago. That didn't happen in science class. I know, but I felt like she had the right to know.

I'm sorry, but I didn't. You're telling everyone their business. I don't think a teacher really does anything in this situation. Right. The teacher's going to sit both of them down and say, hey, don't do that. You can't do that. And then it's really weird between the two of you. It's weird that now we're the age of teachers.

Like, people, what if two 15-year-old came up to you like, she strangled me. You're like, oh, sorry. I don't know what to say. It doesn't matter. Life is so fucking long. You're still good? You good now?

If you're fine now, I think I'm going to walk out of the classroom. I'm done here. All right. The teachers must be must be like they're our age they're just like on tinder trying to fuck people yeah and they have to like deal with little kids problems i wonder if like i mean definitely but i wonder when like my teachers would come to work hungover and like i just didn't know what that meant yeah like my elementary school teachers think back on every time you ever watched a movie unexpectedly oh yeah that was a hangover day yeah i had teachers

in high school that were 22 or 23 now i see 22 years and 23 years old oh my gosh you're so young like how can you teach high schoolers yeah um but that's the nature of education in america now let's talk about and this is why we brought john on the podcast because we really wanted to tackle the idea pedagogically speaking where do you see ourselves moving? Not only macro, but on a global level. All right, let's take a break. John will often say, well, we have to think locally, which is what I think. Let's take a break to thank one more sponsor, and then we'll be back with more John Wolf.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Let's take a break to thank one more sponsor, and then we'll be back with more John Wolfe. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

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It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why i recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com oh vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz

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Thanks, DraftKings. Wait, wait, we're back. We're back. Let's talk about this. This is a pretty big deal. I ask Local if he flosses every day. He doesn't know where I'm going with this. But I feel like we're going to be you're trapping leading leading the witness i can get him in a corner i really think he's

almost trapped all right continue what were you saying i will get him to admit to every wrongdoing it's a very very very delicate web i'm leaving with floss your dentist said you have shallow gums yeah oh can i guess yeah your gums are supposed to travel down in between every teeth and when they don't it's a sign of gums like not supporting the teeth uh well enough yeah and so one way to do uh to help support gum gum disease is by flossing the bacteria away absolutely is that what that's my understanding too i'm not i didn't go to some people never floss but i wasn't every day he did go john did go to dentistry school yeah just because he would fart in the back of the class so there's a lot of dentists that are like

upset because like most of their education was spent in a really smelly classroom because i would go what yeah no just to pass john wolf uh graduated dentistry school became a dentist worked his way up uh just so he could it's so weird saying he just so i could just i went to just this carry i went to dentistry just to uh be that dentist who like starts working in your mouth and then talks to you oh yeah and like occasionally spits in your mouth once just once yeah can you imagine i don't know if there's an occupation I want to do less than dentist. Just scraping. What about a podiatrist?

No, I would totally rather be a podiatrist. I can get into feet, but like just scraping dirt out of people's teeth and mouth. That's a hygienist. That's for a hygienist, yeah. The dentist just rolls up, looks in and is like, cool.

That's right. They only play the big games. I'm talking root canals. Wait, but aren't they still drilling into my teeth? Yeah, they'll do the cavity fillers. Oh, the worst. Yeah. The most painful.

All right. Oh, we wanted to talk real quickly that we're going to Australia. Have you ever been to Australia? I wish. Yeah. You wish you had or you wish you would come with us? Both. I wish that I could go with you and

experience australia for the first time with you guys that'd be great you've earned that the tour with glocal the glocal tour uh we're touring glocally how many how many weeks do i need to take off work uh two it looks like but we're the shows are five days yeah, we're now indefinitely wealthy. Yeah, yeah. We have infinite money and time. Right. And technically, Australia is work. Oh yeah.

Oh shit. That's true. You're not taking off work. I am. So chill with the accusations. You got us riled up. That's why you came here.

June 9th at the Gov in Adelaide. June 10th at the Corner in Melbourne. We've gotten a lot of emails and tweets that we're pronouncing Melbourne. Where do you guys land on that?

If it's spelled Melbourne and Melbourne is how you say it in their accent, aren't I still pronouncing it correctly when I say Melbourne? I don't know. Probably not. This is me on stage at Melbourne. What's the deal with Melbourne? Brisbane? Yeah, Brisbane.

Oh, June 11th at the Metro Theater in Sydney. That show is almost sold out, and we just got an email that said they're making it all ages. Oh, shit, the Sydney show is all ages? Yeah. Get on that, motherfuckers. 17, 16, 15, 14. Don't come if you're 13.

12, 11, skip 9. All ages. All ages except for 9 and 13. 13 is bad luck. We skipped that age. Sydney show almost sold out, but it is now all ages. All ages except for 9 and 13. 13 is bad luck. We skipped that age. Sydney Show almost sold out, but it is now all ages. June 12th at the Triffid. Is that the only one that's all ages?

For now. We're working on it. We're working on it. Well, I'm not doing anything. Yeah, but people are working on it. Cool. June 12th at the Triffid in Brisbane and June 14th at the Astor in Peth. See, like, when I say Perth, there are people complaining like, no, no, you should only

say P-E-T-H, Peth. Peth. Like, are they telling me to say it in an accent? Or is that how you, I don't know. I don't know enough about languages. Either way, we're going to be in Australia. We could talk about it in person if you come to the shows. Brisbane.

Melbourne. Melbourne. Sydney. Adelaide. No, it's Odelaide. Odelaide. Odelaide. Odelaide.

Nice. You can't go there anymore. Oidelaide? Oidelaide. Oidelaide. Nice. You can't go there anymore. Really? Yeah. I have to specifically apologize for that at customs. Like Bart Simpson on the border of Australian America. All right. Did you have anything you wanted to plug?

Do you want to mention? Where are you going? Making animations for our YouTube channel. That was awesome. Do you want to talk about it should i brag about it yeah um in my well first tell people where they can find it i feel like yeah i feel like before we talk about it let's say where it is so if people want to pause the podcast and then watch it watch it oh the old pause watch the old pause watch like share and comment don't forget to subscribe reblog dig and retweet post it on stumble upon uh where can we should put it on ifireushow.com i thought i did but i thought i

i guess we'd be awesome you facebooked and retweeted me which was so cool okay so we'll put it on ifireushow.com but also what's your so um every saturday for a year, a couple friends and I made a video, 15 seconds or less. We did that for a full year. You can find those at youtube.com slash jwolf saturdayshorts. Saturday Shorts was taken. Wow. That's too bad. What about Sunday Shorts?

By you, you often will just squat on domain names. I squatted on a domain name for eight years, uploaded one video, and now I can't do it. So we did that for a year, and then I was like, oh, some of those videos were animations, and I was like, these are getting a great response, and I really like animation. So I think for the, quote, second season of Saturday Shorts, I'm going to do less, but I'm going to do longer animations.

Less quantity, more quality. Yeah, exactly. So the first one that I did came out a couple weeks ago, and it was an adaptation of three John Wolf stories from this very podcast. So you used our audio, but you animated it with your vision. I did. I stole the audio from you guys. Which was very cool.

Which was very local of you actually I want to thank a redditor Bozarkian for he downloaded everything or he or she downloaded everything and cut all the stories up it was very easy for me oh that's great you have your own subreddit

John Wolf Stories is it John Wolf or John Wolf Stories I think it's John Wolf r slash John Wolf it's john wolf john r slash john that's great people submitting their own john wolf stories it's a very interesting life we should start saying some of those on the show we should and then you can animate them you can animate more so where can people see it your youtube channel it's youtube.com slash j wolf saturday shorts j w o l f my name contrary to popular belief does not have relief, does not have an H, does not have an E.

J-O-N-W-O-L-F. Which is kind of in a weird, subtle way, messed up. I don't know why yet. Just because he likes when people misspell his name. He likes to correct them. By the way, 350 people have signed up for this subreddit, which is not

a small amount. And the two things are, you can either globalize a link or glocalize a story. Those are the two upload options. That's so funny. We'll also put the animation on our website ifireadioshow.com. It's fun. I'm very happy with how it turned out.

How do you animate? Oh, no. We loved it. It's great. How do you animate it? How did you animate it? Oh, good night. I'm done. how do you animated it like how did you animate hmm well good night how did you animate it um i drew all of the assets in photoshop so over the course of the year of making the other 52 videos i like learned what worked and what didn't work so i started out drawing like making everything practically yeah it was like stop motion yeah and i cut out paper and photographed it and moved it and photographed it.

It's like the original South Park. Yeah. The pilot. I really like how that feels, but it takes so long. Right. So I taught myself Flash animation. So I draw all the assets in Photoshop, and then I import them into flash and build the puppets from

you do that after work yes sir do you do that instead of look at porn or do you also do the i also do porn so what do you do so like jake's trying to understand like if you wanted to learn flash what is he getting rid of it's very it's what do i lose what do you lose yeah some sleep probably oh you do it when you should be sleeping. I need to sleep 12 hours a night. That's a lot. I know. That's almost an unhealthy amount of sleep. It's a little too much.

Especially because it's 14. Yeah, I said 12 hours. I said at least 12. Usually it's 14. Most of the time it's 16. And a lot of the time it's 24. I'm hibernating. I'm going the full distance, baby.

I went to bed last night at 8.30 p.m. and woke up at 8 p.m. How is that fair? 23 and a half hours strong. All right. Do you have time to answer one more question with us? I'd love to. Global. Wait, do you have any more of his stories?

Oh, shit. Yeah yeah i've got a story oh really this is how you guys have effect you guys have incepted your way into my life okay let's hear one of yours i can't see uh like what the name wolf without thinking oh john wolf as like not myself but this character that's so crazy uh i got like i had like a mailer for this play that's just called mr wolf uh-huh oh man and i was just like oh fuck john wolf or like uh at my apartment building to get into the garage there's a gate and lately there's been a push by management to close the gate yeah yeah uh people hate elven gates for some reason yeah uh apparently there's been some robberies in the area i don't know my car was broken into oh so i guess it couldn't be you

didn't do it no i guess why would it be john his own car was broken into yeah i just wanted people think people to think so now the management is in arms yeah posting signs like close the gate yeah like messes with the yeah it's very subtle yeah the block doesn't look as nice with the sign of course so i get i get home and the gate is closed often it's not locked it's just like latched shut but it's just uh i've driven home i'm tired from a long day of work yeah and i have to get out of my car and open this gate and every time i do it now i think man this is such a john wolf thing to do like it's sometimes it's the middle of the day and i come home and it's closed and i'm like some fucking john wolf global just closed because

he knew that i would have to get out of my car and it's so subtle because it's protecting me right it's protecting my car so you can't really subtle because it's protecting me. Right. It's protecting my car. So you don't really complain about it. I can't complain about it. Yeah. But I really want to. That is a John Wolfism. It's a very John Wolfism.

Here's another John Wolfism. Tell me if this is true. You jump over the subway turnstile leaving the station. So you're not sneaking in. You're just sneaking out, which sort of just puts people on high alert. And under cover, cops will hesitate towards you before realizing. And that kind of gives them away. sneaking out which sort of just puts people on high alert and like it starts like the cops start yeah like yes hesitate towards you before i realize and that kind of gives them away

for people who are actually breaking the law um god i wish i was agile enough to jump over a subway turnstile yeah all right so you're denying that one i'm gonna say that's fine so you're going on the record as denying everything which is probably not true but um fair last one hey uh you go to open houses so like on sunday there's a bunch of open houses around los angeles or whatever city you live in buyer's market absolutely uh and you'll just walk around with your you're holding your arm like holding your hands behind your back so you seem very like smart and authoritative and then you like he knows how to do it yeah you don't have to tell me you'll step on floors be like feels a little slanted you're talking to yourself not to anyone else but like people will overhear it and then you

like touch a knob you're like jesus why not just spring for the good stuff like stuff like that again under my breath yeah under your breath but like people sort of hear it and like start to realize like maybe they shouldn't put an offer on this house oh it's loud enough for other people but not the realtor yeah but it's loud enough for yeah for other people to hear and then like the the they'll be like apples and cookies you know things out like they put in the open house right and john will take like one bite it's like oh yeah then ask for a trash can or he'll put it back oh yeah which is not illegal very subtle and then like if you you walk up to the broker at one point

and be like, is there a typo in the asking price? It seems a little high. And then they're like, no, that's what we're hoping to get. We probably will get. And you just laugh and walk away.

I leave. I leave the open house. I'm like, okay. Yeah. So then it's like, who would want to put in an offer? Like this guy just said that like,

this was like probably $100,000 too much. Right. Also on the way in, you purposely step in dog shit. So you're like kind of tracking around the house the entire time. And you'll get to what? How many open houses can you do

in like one neighborhood in a day? Eight, 12, 16? I mean, it depends on how much time you know. Oh, you're guessing. You got him in a corner. Finally. You know what? It's not illegal.

I want to, let's redact that statement from the record, please. You can't be caught. How can you be caught? You know what? It's not illegal. Let's redact that statement from the record, please. You can't be caught. How can you be caught? You know, during the break, I actually passed by the thermostat. Did you turn it up? I did not. It was at 98 degrees.

And I think that might have been something that you did on your way in. Do you like that band or something? Is that your little college band or something? Yeah. I'm a huge fan of Nick Lachey himself. Which really just puts people off a little bit. Why couldn't you choose Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? You had to choose the other option.

Yeah. What's wrong with you? I would say if you asked a lot of people in your life how you make them feel it's ill at ease is what they say. Yeah. A lot of them are ill at ease. Makes you so sad. And when rooms are 98 degrees,

it's like the same temperature as your own body. So you start feeling a little lightheaded. Your own skin doesn't really separate any temperature change. So it just gets you a little nauseous. Is that true? No. You've already said enough. You bastard.

My silence has said too much. All right. We have one question left. That's funny. Did the real estate thing, is that from you, Amir, or is that from the Reddit? I've got to read the subreddit. Oh, no, that's one that I heard.

It wasn't from our subreddit. Yeah, it was through the grapevine. That was just, you hear things. Sure. When you hang out enough. People must be confused. Who are you and what do you actually do? Like, how do we even know you?

I am a producer uh-huh for big breakfast college humor so what you made you helped make the videos that college humor makes the videos i was lucky enough to help produce i want to say eight jake and amir's our road trip the road trip yeah a real pleasure which was a fucking hard one to do because we had to shoot on the road and figure out how to get here here and there. I wish I was there. That would have been really fun if you were. Yeah. Who knows what kind of havoc you would have wreaked in Nashville, Austin, New Orleans,

to just name a few. To name a few. To imagine you in Charlotte really burns my bones. Actually, during Mardi Gras, John will go around with lots of beads and just to get girls to show them his breasts. And he won't give them the beads. He's not required to. And he'll just

say shame on you. That's the worst. The beads will say shame. The beads say shame. They're all personalized. You get the beads of shame. They have different names on them. What's your name? Amber? Hold on. Oh oh that's real and then you see your breasts and then you say

it says shame on you amber yeah or the beads say their father's name and you'll do your research so fucked up yeah so it's just like no girl wants to be reminded of that at that moment beads that say philip i can't I can't imagine. Alright. This is a guy. A guy. A guy talking about a woman who just wants to love him. What's a guy's name?

Barry Allen. The Flash. Is that why you use Flash to animate your videos, you fucking nerd? You love the Flash so much that you have to use Adobe Flash? Is that why you got people to Flash your videos? You nerd you love the flash so much that you have to use adobe flash is that why you got people to hey you're yelling at me you're this is you're playing into his hand i know but it's he wants he wants to be victimized on this podcast he wants the sympathy vote this

is like the end of seven become vengeance amir become i want you to kill me that's my last that's my final john wolfism it's not illegal to get someone to kill you yeah uh all right hey guys i'm in high school and i have this problem where my girlfriend keeps biting me and i hate it i'm not talking about love bites she tries to bite me hard enough to make it feel like she's eating something i told her that i didn't like it but she argues that she's just being herself now she's pissed at me for trying to change her even when she makes me change all the time my friends tell me that i should just take the bites and be happy that she's interacting with me at all what do i do i love these friends can i say first yeah bro take it yeah trust me dude you can't do better than her i'm imagining all these friends are single and they're just like i wish someone

would bite me yeah kill to be in your position uh what would you do if your girl kept biting you and she's and i've already said please stop yeah and she's like that's just me take it or leave it god and i was in high school probably take it so in high school you would take high school me would take it yeah right because any sex you get in high school is like such bonus well he doesn't say that they're having sex she's just biting him oh that's true yeah they're not having sex she's just biting you break up yeah if you're getting something better than second base, let's say, it's worth the bite marks. But, oh, no, it sounds like she's also making him... Looking past the bite stuff, he was like, she tries to change me all the time.

Yeah. That sounds pretty bad for a girlfriend. Where she tries to change him. Yeah, that's what he said. He said, she tries to change me all the time. Well, that's kind of hard, because when you're in a relationship and you... Let's say I eat with my mouth open which i do and a girlfriend would be like oh you should close your mouth when you eat technically

she's trying to change me but it's for the better right right so how do you draw the line like oh that's just me being me take it or leave it checks and balances man you're making every time every time somebody suggests that you do something different, you say, are they right? And do I want to do that? Like, would that improve myself? You just run it by yourself first. Yeah. Does it make me a better person?

Right. She's like, hey, keep your mouth closed when you chew. And you would be like. Oh, that's good. That's good advice. I will do that. Unless you had no self-awareness to be like, oh, but that's normal for me and it's fine for me to chew with my mouth open. What also matters is the way she says it.

Because if you are with somebody who's like, I think you're great, would you mind closing your mouth when you chew? Because it grosses me out. It's disgusting, really. I'm revolted by you. You gross me. You are gross to me yeah i think your communication is also key right so you're saying this girl kind of absolutely this is the the phrase she

tries to change me all the time is a red flag to me yes is that the she's not writing in right we're not helping this guy out this guy's like how do i get my girlfriend to stop biting me and you guys are like just let her change you bro just let her just go for it he's true he needs advice on how to tell her to change right this is why i want to start a podcast with thank you here we're talking about you he was criticizing you no he wasn't yes he absolutely was no guys no he said you blue you guys don't you see what he's doing? He's creating a schism. A schism?

A rift? Yeah, absolutely. A schism rift. A real wedge. See, that's what you are doing. He's wedging. You're calling it. You're saying that.

This is glocal wedge. He hasn't said anything. Absolutely, he's pushing this apart. You guys, you're putting words in my mouth. The wedge? Yeah. I love the wedge. The wedge in the pinch.

The wedge in the pinch. Shit, the wedge in the pinch? That's dope, wedge. The wedge and the pinch. The wedge and the pinch? That's dope, man. That's a cinch. You're listening to the wedge and the pinch. We both have the same voice. You're listening to the wedge. I'm the pinch and I'm the wedge.

That would be so funny on Tribe Time Radio. I'm the wedge and I'm the pinch. And they're on the same voice. What do you think, pinch? I don't know, wedge. I swear it's the same guy. It's the Less Than Jacob podcast. Do they have multiple singers that sound the same?

You know that song, Did You Think It's Strange? That, there's a way. It's two different guys? Two people sing that song. What? Why? What a waste.

What a waste of resources. Do you have an identical voice twin? Now I'm so grateful for Blink-182 having vastly different voices. Yeah, that's the key. That's why it was so easy to listen to a blink album man that's a tom verse that's a mark verse travis is fucking wailing away which is tight too does he ever sing travis no i don't think so he tried once and it

was so bad that they had to cut him off maybe they gave him a dummy microphone and travis sings for him he thinks it's out of his mouth uh so you say tell her or no what would how about if i tell her about it tell her everything you feel this is amazing that's travis i think i i would, I don't know, I would probably say again and again, don't bite me. I don't like it. It hurts. But you wouldn't break up?

I probably wouldn't break up. I don't think biting is enough of a reason to break up with someone. But I don't think I would ever take the biting. I think I would continually say, ow, don't, every time she bit me. You know what you should do? Sorry, what were you going to say? What would you do? Oh, what would I do?

Yeah, I would say say please stop biting me i don't like it what bothers me about the email is her response to him saying that where she's like you're trying to change me which is this ridiculous like she's not listening to what he's really saying yeah you know which is this hurts me and i don't like it i want to be in a relationship with you, but I can't if you keep doing this. And she's not hearing that. No. So I would just keep trying. You really are a Dr. Phil of yourself.

Yeah, absolutely. I don't know. I've never listened to Dr. Phil, but I can only imagine. I can only imagine. He's just another bald guy that you know. Actually, I think he, I feel like he might be dangerous. So I didn't take that. That's more of an insult than I meant it to be.

But it's still true. You're good. Thank you. Next time time she bites you this is what you do you cut yourself a little bit every day in that mark until it becomes infected that's such a global thing and then she's and she's like oh my god like my innocuous bites which i thought were like cute and funny are actually really bad like look you you have to like almost lose it you like fake go to the doctor oh yeah yeah oh that's if i were global yeah that's what i would do that's your podcast yeah if i were global if i were global uh what would you do i think if i were global i would um uh i think i would start doing really well in biology class and get a rec from a biology teacher to go like intern at like a veterinary hospital.

And then I would get in like really good with the staff there and earn their trust. And I would be like, yo, I can lock up, you know, like you need to lock up. The characters you play. It's insane. Catch me if you can, man. I would. How many wigs do you have uh one of every color uh and then get like i don't know like files or something or like a

some sort of like saline pill where you could like so she bites you oh and then you get on your medical records. You're like, hey, babe, I went to the doctor, and I have rabies from you biting me. But for the week up to you telling her that, you've been taking these saline pills. What does that do? Or something. I'm not a doctor.

I don't know what saline does. It's just a word that sounds medical. It seems like salt water, nothing. It's something that makes you like foam, you know, like an Alka-Seltz, just like an Alka-Seltz

in your mouth. Gotcha. And then foam at the mouth a little bit every day so she notices, but you're like, I don't know what it is and then you go to the doctor

and it's like, oh, these bites gave me rabies. So you convinced her that she's a rabbit of sorts. Yeah. That's what global will do. That's what global will do.

Which is another option. All right, that's it? I guess that's it. We gave you global will do which is another option um all right that's it i guess that's we gave you a lot of advice a lot of options john thanks for coming on the show thank you guys so much for having an honor and thanks for animating those episodes for us and hopefully more to come more to come i am gonna do uh some other animations i i'm not uploading every week because i'm trying to make them longer and better quality. But trying to hit- Yeah, the one you made for us was awesome.

Thank you so much. How long did that take? I logged it. It took about 50 hours, I want to say. Why'd you log it? Because up until then, I didn't know how long it took. So I wanted to be able to scale it to be like, oh, this is how long it takes me to do this type of video it took me 50 hours and I think

next time so I'm going to you're meticulous and that's something that you use to everyone's disadvantage sometimes except for your own and for the next one what were you saying? I was just going to say for the next one

because I really want to animate Sam Reich's story and i want to animate emily axford's story because i think those are very funny and visually yeah it's visually very funny yeah drink my yellow red um so that one i'll probably do in a couple i'm trying to release one a month so but when this podcast is coming out this monday yeah there probably won't be a new animation right away. I do encourage people to, you know, check out the channel and subscribe,

but there probably won't be a new animation until the end of April or the first Saturday in May is my goal. That's cool. And ideally people will subscribe and you'll just never release the video. You're releasing sort of like weird smut or something. And people are like, why is this in your feed?

If you follow me on Twitter, I will update when I post a video. sort of like weird smut or something and people are like, why is this in your feed? to subscribe in. If you follow me on Twitter, I will update when I post a video. Oh, what's your Twitter handle? It's jwolftweets. There it is, jwolftweets. Thank you for coming

on the show, sir. Thank you guys so much. The email address, if you have your own questions, is ifireadieshow at gmail.com. We start and end every episode

with a brand new theme song. We need more theme songs, so send them over. The opening one was written by Lewis. This last one was by someone who said they didn't want to be named, so you have one last name for us. I think it's a lady, a lady who made this theme song. Yeah, anonymous theme song.

She didn't want people to know that she listened to this show. I bet her theme song is amazing. It's lady it's a strokes cover uh linda park linda park thanks linda thanks you guys and thanks john we'll be back thank you guys soon guitar solo Last night he said Oh baby I feel so down I can't seize the dream I wanna get a main screen But I, I still have

I have the best podcast though The only one I know If I were you to show Well they give you all sorts of advice that you can use any way you choose and that's the news

listen to what you do oh people they don't understand you like to throw displays in your van your parents told you that you weren't planned. That time of this week, guys, I'll take a stand. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's,

you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.