Segments - 148: Master

Episode Date: April 20, 2015

In this episode we discuss Instagram, accidents, and elders. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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That's, what, $90, $100? Then you're getting $20 20 off and then you're not paying for shipping try it do it thank you i demand it now assholes uh all right let's get started fun episode and we ended up giving advice uh riffing what else do we were riffing towards the middle. We riffed. We miffed and you won't be... I have to go. Things got real. Enjoy. I love the podcast if I were you. I want to listen every day to these two Jews.

It means so much to me when they tell me to go out and seize the cheese. I really love the podcast. Ta-da. Yeah. I like that. That was a laugh riot. It really was. Yeah, I guess so.

You're making me uncomfortable. What is that? You've listened to that song 19 times today. It's a catchy little ditty. Yeah, you haven't. You've shit yourself. I want to. Two times.

I wanted to do that. You took a morning deuce and an evening deuce and you didn't change i called it a quattro i went do for deuce uh that person asked to be uh anonymous you know it's like i was gonna predict yeah that i think he that it sounded like that was the first time he ever made a song and i don't mean that as an insult because i think he's got a lot of talent i think like it was almost like oh i'm just gonna try my hand at this to see how it goes and he like killed it like he's the kind of guy that's just good at everything maybe uh but he's a little uncertain yeah he's a perfectionist hey dude you got a lot of potential you should start singing that's what I'm saying

well anonymous 15 year old if you're listening is he 15? yeah if you want us to give you credit after all let us know keep it up dude here we are in our new home

we are in your master bedroom yes it is the bedroom is the master because I am the master We are in your master bedroom. Yes, it is. The bedroom is the master because I am the master. We are switching rooms at the halfway point of the month. Yeah, not quite. Not quite the halfway point. At which point the master is speaking. I relinquish the bedroom.

I do not relinquish the master. I will always be the master you will once you exit the master no which i think when this episode comes out which will be on april 20th i will officially if you're listening to this right now you're hearing the voice of one the master you will be in the master you are currently hearing not the master because you're a second talk for a second i want people to hear what the master doesn't sound like you don't tell me what to do for now you happen to be the master i am the master and i will always be the master what if what if i'm living in the master i think that you will be

you will be a little bitch and i will be the master you are you'll be in the little bitch room you're gonna switch rooms your room's gonna have i don't even want to call that an ensuite that is an on sour you would do that room as an on sour not an ensuite it is a half sink we've got a toilet beautiful four bedroom four bathroom home in santa monica sure i have the master you absolutely you still you usurp the master i've got a private balcony i've got two walk-in closets and i've got a jacuzzi and i'll have them and and and if by the time you're listening i do deserve that because i am the master but you know marty's room he's got he's got a balcony as well. Yeah. He's got an en suite. He has a nice en suite. He doesn't have a walk-in closet, but he has a dual sink en suite stand-up shower.

And then my sister, Sarah, in the third bedroom does not have an en suite. She borderline has an en suite. She does not. She has an adjacent nice bathroom. A communal bathroom doesn't actually apply here because it's her bathroom. Nobody else uses that bathroom. But you are allowed to use it because it is a communal bathroom. A communal bathroom doesn't actually apply here because it's her bathroom. Nobody else uses that bathroom. But you are allowed to use it because it is a communal bathroom. It does not have a door.

It's not a private bathroom. That is for certain it is not a private bathroom. Continue. If I take a shower, I walk out right into my bedroom. She takes a shower. She walks out into a hallway. Which she can close off. She can close off the hallway, but you still have access to it.

Your bedroom has, sure, it's a full-size bed. Oh, barely. It looks like it's built for a toddler. Absolutely. It is a race car bed. But you've got an en-suite. I don't have an en-suite. You do have an en-suite. Let the record show that you have an en-suite.

You do have an en-suite, have and you've got a dual closet you have a very nice closet you also have a private balcony with its own private entrance so i would i would argue that you have the third worst room not the worst room i of course have the master i of course am the i hate for people to listen to this on april 20th and assume that you have the master that's simply not the case i walked in at the time of recording you know what dude you walked into the house before i got here you you laid claim to the master because i am the master you usurped the master i didn't usurp the master and soon you will you serve the master yeah yeah and i am the master you Yeah, I don't think so. And I am the master.

You know what, dude? I lived in the cabin for six months and I was the master then too. So you don't need the master. I don't need the master to be the master, but it does feel right when I occupy the master. Hey, you're listening to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm the master., I'm the master. And I'm the master. It can't be too bad.

Write in. Tweet at us. Write in on Reddit. Let us know who is the master. Next place we get, we just share a bedroom, and there's two open bedrooms. We're actually both the master. Yeah, we just brought two girls home, and they like not going to have a foursome with us.

Well, I don't know what to tell you. I can't unoccupy said master as the master. As soon as I don't sleep here, he'll take over. I just know it. And then we finger blaster as the master. Thank you.

So how does this work? This is an advice podcast. People will write us to ifireeshow at gmail.com, and they need our guidance. And here we are providing it. Should we jump right into it? Is there anything else that we should talk about right off the bat? Is there anything like we were supposed to talk about the master other than the master?

I don't. Oh, well, should we talk? We can save it and talk about the newsletter later on in the show yeah we do have a news talk about the sydney perth melbourne brisbane adelaide shows later on in the show we also have an la show which may or may not be announced by the time this comes out if you you're in Los Angeles, we're doing another show at the Hollywood Improv on May 8th. But for now, let's get to the questions. Perfect. Perth-if-ct. Nice. We need

ideally the name of a master. Jacob Hurwitz. So let's do street names in Los angeles to promote our live show at the hollywood improv may 8th that's really good okay so the first uh name is going to be hollywood hollywood a guy named hollywood writes i've gotten myself into a sticky situation. Please give me some advice.

A few weeks ago, I met this fine 22-year-old lady, I'm 19, at a party. And long story short, we met the day after at her place and had quite the fun, even though she was still a virgin, as she told me the night before during a drinking game. As I turned around to get a good glimpse of her behind at some doggy-style action, I didn't pay enough attention, and pop goes the weasel into whole numero dos. I noticed right away by the even greater tightness and the smell, but I didn't want to admit my mistake, so I just kept going. It was quite nice, actually. The problem is, I now have lost all respect for her.

She didn't say anything and just let me do this to her. Bear in mind, it was her first time. She's now on a two-week vacation, and afterwards, I don't know what to do. I just don't think I can take her seriously anymore. Tell me what to do. Love, Hollywood. Excuse you. Hollywood.

Excuse you. I. Excuse you. I just don't think I can take her seriously anymore. You're the one that slipped into the wrong hole. You asked for nothing. Because you weren't paying attention? Literally, you asked. So, how's that ever happened to you? I've definitely slipped into the wrong hole,

but I think you must have a microscopically small penis for her not to scream. When that happens, everyone's horrified. You pop into the wrong hole. It hurts. They scream. You scream because they scream. You bend your dick against a...

Mom, turn it off. A sphincter cream. Turn off the podcast, Mom. Everybody gets hurt. It's not... Even the guy? Well, yeah, because your penis is going up against... I really do hope you turn off the podcast, Mom.

I can't be more clear about that. I'm going to talk in detail about something that I've never done. Starting now. Okay, so I definitely done fucked girls in the ass. So yeah, it's painful. I think it depends. Because a couple times you come out and you just like, you go again. It's not necessarily just that hole, but like just going against something that your dick's not easily going to fit into, you jam it.

It's a tight squeeze. It's a balloon knot. It's not like you are going in and out and then, oops, wrong hole, like in and out easily. There's also no lubrication, right? Like the vagina lubricates itself, but does the anus? No, but like... It's a dryer. If it's in the middle of sex then maybe it's

like sweating your dick is also truffle butter your dick is lubricated because you've been having sex right uh so it's not like it's it's not like it's a barren desert when you slip in but yeah it is like if you're gonna have anal sex you should be using like lube there's more friction massaging the anus to make it loose like no one's ready for it it's a process so the fact that he thinks i if maybe he didn't really slip into her butt and he just thought he did that's happened to me you thought you slipped into somebody's butt yeah i'm like whoa I hope this isn't her b-hole. And then I'll feel the b-hole. I'm like, oh, that's okay. So I'm not in there.

How and why did that happen? Well, I don't know what an actual butthole feels like. Who did that happen with? I obviously can't say. We'll bleep it out. But I'm just saying, like, when it's happening and I'm behind and it's dark, then you don't, I can't tell exactly what hole I'm hitting. You can always know that it's the vagina. Because if it was the girl's ass, it would be like hitting against a wall. Yeah.

I also have nothing to compare it against because I've never actually done the anal one. It feels a million times better. I mean tighter. Tighter is better. That's where the phrase tight comes from. Like, oh, that's real tight. Yeah. I mean, like, I guess everybody's got different buttholes.

That's beautiful. In my experience. That's your children's book. Everyone poops. Everyone's got different buttholes. Mine is the porn version. In my experience, going into someone's butt is not something that anyone takes lightly. You can't just slip your dick in and go to town and it's fine.

You need to have a lot of lube. You need to go very easy, just a little bit, then just a tip, then just halfway, and don't go back and forth too much. It's just, it's like, I mean, it's a victory when you get your dick all the way in. Oh, God. There's not, like, full disclosure, I have a huge dick. Oh, I see. 12 inches, fully soft. So, like, everybody's dick is different.

Everybody's butthole is different. So maybe if she has a very wide butthole and he has a really small penis, maybe it slipped in. But I, like, very much doubt it. Yeah. So, and then also, this quite is, this doesn't even answer his question. We're just talking about anal sex. Oh, yeah. Well, you're being an asshole to answer your question.

What are you talking, like, no. Pun intended? I keep on, yeah, I guess. I guess inadvertently intended. So not intended. Not intended. It was unintentional. Just like your anal sex.

Yeah, there is no, you shouldn't lose all respect for her because she didn't say anything. Like, because you also didn't say anything you also did it yeah so you whatever you think about her you're worse you should feel about yourself and also though don't lose any it's fine you it sounds like you liked anal sex he was like it's it felt pretty good so i didn't say. Like, you enjoyed the tightness of it, you said. So why on earth would you say that you don't like her because she let you have sex with her in a way that you really liked? Right.

Also, she said she was a virgin, but then she did this butt sex. There's a lot of questions about this whole thing. I really doubt if somebody's a virgin that, like, maybe her vagina was really tight and you thought it. So maybe he didn't actually. There's smells during sex. It's like if her ass is in the air, then maybe there's a smell coming from there. It's not because you stuck your dick in her ass.

It's maybe just because you're looking right at it. So in conclusion... In conclusion, you got this one wrong and also you are wrong because you are being a hypocritical piece of shit. Oh, nice. Not a butthole. No.

All right. I'm not trying to demonize the butthole. It's a beautiful thing. So that's it. Give her a beautiful thing. So that's it. Give her a second chance. Not that she even ruined anything or did anything. I don't even want to say like, I don't even want to respect this guy's question with an answer.

I don't know if I can take her seriously. I don't think you should be serious. You're not serious. You're not a serious. You're not a serious. You're not serious for any of a serious you're not a serious you're not serious for any of this man all right let's get another guy's name for another male question melrose nice thank you rights hey guys i thought i'd ask for your thoughts on something that i've

been bothered with for a while the problem is is, I know that this is shallow, the amount of Instagram followers that I have. I'm in high school. I'm not unpopular. I'm pretty sure I'm funny, though I could be completely wrong. And I don't think I'm bad looking. So why do I only have 90 followers? Again, I know this is really shallow, but people at my school do judge you based on things of this nature, and I'm already pretty insecure as it is. I don't post stupid pictures, but just in case I do, and I'm oblivious to this, you should totally check my page out at blank. I don't write stupid things in my bio, and yet I have less followers than anyone I know. Can I do anything to change this?

Am I just being a goddamn pussy for worrying about such small things? I'd really appreciate your help. Thanks. Love Melrose. Melrose. I think it's fine. I don't know. 90.

I mean, sure. 90 is the amount of likes you get in 12 seconds. Thank you. I mean, come on, Melrose. But he does make a point when he thinks maybe he should be worrying about more significant things, don't you think? I don't know what's more significant than only having double-digit Instagram followers, unfortunately. I guess I can't really put myself in it. I really can't put myself in issues.

Because you're famous. Yeah, because I've got fame. I do. I am the master. And I'm famous for that. You're not famous for being a master. I think I'm famous for that uh you're not famous for being a master i think i'm famous for being the master i think you're famous for comedy internet comedy no you do that shit right exactly right right right so so i'm the master

uh here's one thing we can do though we should debate it because i don't know if this is kosh he gave us his instagram name right so we could in theory give it out right now tens of thousands of people could follow does he have a private account uh let me look i guess he'd just get all the requests yeah i mean he would just approve it but then like this would be he does not have a private account this makes him not anonymous now every all of his friends will know that he wrote this lame ass question right but it's fine because he probably complains about it he also said that he complains do you think he says i'm i'm already pretty insecure yeah i know

we know you emailed in an advice show about how you quote unquote only have 90 followers on instagram um hmm so now i'm on the fence as to whether we should what if we no i was gonna say i don't know what this would do other than it would be really funny. Kind of trolling him in a way. If we gave out his name, then under the pretense is that everyone follow him, and then a day later unfollow him. Oh, God. That way he'll get thousands of followers, and then he'll go all the way back down to 90. Now I'm more into it because it's a really funny game.

So he'll be like on cloud nine, and then how about not unfollow him right away the next post he does oh everyone unfollows him this is now like the oh this is the i can't get behind it it's the meanest thing we've ever done so he says i genuinely i i'm i'm insecure and i'm sad because i don't have a lot of instagram followers how like what should i do yeah and your solution is like first of all, he also wrote that thinking he'd be anonymous. Or did he say it thinking that we'd pimp it out? Your solution is to announce him, who he is,

and not only not help him, but bully him. You want to be a cyber bully of yourself. I want to glocal him. I think we said global did this at one point even. Getting everyone to follow someone on Instagram and then unfollow them at the first photo. All right. So maybe we shouldn't give out his name. Well, now I feel bad because you're upset.

No. You want to do it. I feel like I have to stand up for this kid. My vote is no. I don't think we should do that. Why don't we let the gods allow it? Fates. What do you mean?

A rock, paper, scissors match. Well, that would be pretty good, but you always know what I'm going to do. So is there something more random? What if you think of a number one through 20? I'll have five guesses. And if I get it right, then it's like at the very least,

you have a 75% chance of a 75 i feel like i'm way too predictable like just i won't think of the number but what number would you guess first seven or eleven it would have been eight you're on all right but it's got to be number um let's do a different different number thing oh a different set of numbers 40 okay well 21 through 40 sure i'm not giving you 21 numbers dude all right ready 21 through 40 i'll get five guesses so there's a 25 chance that we can give this guy's instagram account hold on one second okay this is riveting yeah nobody else knows what i'm doing it's's like really, I just Google image search the number that I want to have because I want it to be big. Yeah, you've already given it all away.

Should I guess one at a time or just five numbers and then you flip it around? I think one at a time. The drama? Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm accidentally mouthing it.

My first guess is so obvious I can't imagine you didn't choose this number. 40. Not 40? Not 40. Magic Johnson, 32. My age. 32! Got it right off the bat.

Yes! Yes! That's crazy, bat. Yes! Yes! That's crazy, man. Excelsior! That is why I chose it, I bet. It's my fucking age. This also proves that other... Didn't we talk about this once, that I think I'm a little bit psychic?

Two guesses. I know. That's impressive, man. You seem bummed. I feel bad for this fucking kid how about we'll give it out but don't unfollow him that makes me feel a little bit better so just follow him yeah yeah i mean i i don't think that that i'm your partner on this okay so let's help this guy i don't will this help him out by giving him, it's like we're giving him the wrong lesson. He's like,

oh, I'm insecure about the amount of followers that I have. And then we're like, all right, here's a lot of followers. Instead of being like, don't worry about it. There are more important things.

I'm like trying to get you to not say this, but I bet there's so many people listening. They're like, say my name too. No, yeah. I want random Instagram followers. So should we,

maybe we shouldn't open up this floodgate. Well, let's just at least announce that this is the only time we will ever do this. Yeah, okay. Only time we'll ever do this. And also to this kid, it doesn't matter what your follower number is. You can grow your account organically by taking good photos or doing whatever. Right. Or it just doesn't matter.

These are just people that, 90 people is a good amount of people. If you like and comment other people's photos, they will click onto your profile and perhaps follow you. I mean, that's really what it is. All right. So that's one way to do it. Another way to do it is to write in to our podcast

and have us say, everyone follow at Elias underscore Weiss. At E-L-I-A-S underscore W-E-I-S-S. At Elias underscore Weiss. He has 90 followers right now. He doesn't know we're doing this. Wow. So it'll be a fun little social experiment to see what we can get him up to.

So you follow him. Buy tickets to our shows. As long as your computer's out. Buy a ticket to our show at the Hollywood Improv. Buy some tickets to our show in Perth. Whether you can make it or not. We just need to move units. I don't care if we're performing to an empty fucking room as long as the tickets are sold.

Follow Elias and then get some NatureBox snacks. Those are the big three. All right. Follow Elias and then get some nature box snacks. Those are the big three. All right. Follow Elias. Elias, don't worry about it. Things will get better. Let's take a break. We'll come back with more questions right after this.

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Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Hey, we're BRAC. Just a fun little way to spice things up. We are going to Australia. Yes.

We are going in June. Our flights are booked. Six months? We just booked an Airbnb in Melbourne. There we go. Oh, way to pronounce it correctly. Huh? Way to pronounce that correctly.

What do you mean? Melbourne. I always said it like that way to pronounce it correctly. Huh? Way to pronounce that correctly. What do you mean? Melbourne. I always said it like that. I am the master after all. We're six weeks away, I should say, not six months. Six weeks away. Oh, my God. June 9th in Adelaide, June 10th in Melbourne.

Show is almost sold out. Is it really? Yeah. June 11th. That was not all ages yet, right? No, it's not. Only Sydney has made it all ages. June 11th. That was not all ages yet, right? No, it's not. Only Sydney has made it all ages. June 11th in Sydney.

We're trying to make them all ages, but they might not be. Some places are less flexible than others. June 12th in Brisbane. June 14th in Perth, which I just saw is on the whole other side of the country. Oh, yeah. We're basically doing Miami, North Carolina, D.C., New York, side of the country. Oh, yeah. We're basically doing like Miami, North Carolina. That's also going to be our smallest show. DC, New York, and LA.

Right, right. It's all the way there. That'll be the most intimate show. Because we've sold 14 tickets to it. Oh, much less. A hundred less than that. And then if you happen to not live in Australia and just live in Los Angeles,

we are doing a show at the Hollywood Improv on May 8th. All the information will be on our website, ifireyoushow.com. If you live in Los Angeles, we are flying out of LAX to Sydney. To Melbourne. So is that crazy?

To suggest that what? They come to the Melbourne show. They should go on our flight? Yeah. That's, what? What are you talking about? It's a quick 22 hours. It's actually 13 hours, but with the time change, we're losing a day. June 3rd won't exist for us.

We'll take off the 2, land on the fourth. And then it's, in that 13 hours, over the course of that time, the third will have just come and gone. That's crazy. We should do something. We should have like an anniversary on the third

that we don't experience, or my birthday. Nice. I should move my birthday to the third. You can't do that. Well, I can figure some shit out. You can't figure that out, though. You can figure some shit out you can't figure that out though you can figure other shit out sure then on the way back we land at uh we take off at like noon and land at 8 a.m that same day we're like going back in time that's crazy because they're

17 hours ahead but only a 13 hour flight we should order a hit on somebody oh like oh, you kill Marty on June 3rd. But then June 3rd never even happens. So Marty's fine. Why don't we just not order the hit? Because I want to give a hit man money. This is brilliant. It has to work. Thanks for yes-anding me.

We also have a newsletter. The Amir and Jake's newsletter. First one's going to come out tomorrow if you're listening on Monday, April 20th. The first one is out on April 21st, Tuesday. And if you sign up before that Tuesday, you'll be entered for a chance to win my old glasses, the ones that I wore for the last like 300 episodes.

It'd be amazing. I gave my email address. That's right. What if I win? What if I'm randomly selected? I was thinking about how to randomly select because you know you can't come up with a random number. Yes, I can.

As we just showed. 48. That's so random, actually. 998.3. Right. So all that stuff is coming from uh old like i can actually try to figure out shit like kind of like how i guessed 32 i only guessed 32 is because i i thought that was like a the first number that you would think of did you really yeah because it's like a nice strong number it's my age and it's uh don't know, it felt right at the time.

But if you used a random number generator, there are websites and books dedicated to being a random number generator, then your number is completely uninhibited by any of your past experiences and memories. Interesting. So what I'll do is I'll download the list as an Excel spreadsheet.

Let's say 5,000 people have signed up. I'll download it, and then I'll go to a random number generator, and it'll just come up with one like 3856 or whatever. What's wrong with me coming up with a random number? Even though it's not random? I just explained it. But it's like still it's random that it would choose a random person. Would it?

Yes. Well, what are the odds of you choosing one? 100% I'll choose one. Because I know I did it. What are the chances of you choosing 1,000 or 2,000? No, you'll try to choose something weird and obscure. And then you're sort of weighing it to people who joined in later or earlier.

I need a complete random generator. I need one that'll give me one just as likely as 1100 just as likely as 2150 you piece of shit you are actually trying to sabotage this for me yeah yeah i think i really think you are that is no way to talk to the master i'm sorry pipe down pipsqueak point dexter you are a master and i appreciate uh the fact that by the time you're listening to this i will be the master so this whole thing that you appreciate yeah i really appreciate you are the master and i appreciate that i am the master two masters for the price of fun uh what's the benefit of subscribing to our newsletter amir that's a good question uh one exclusive content that you won't be able to get otherwise maybe we're gonna have a section that's just like oh here's a video we uploaded privately

to vimeo and you can watch it if you're on the newsletter. Oh, that's a fun idea. Yeah. Maybe I thought of another idea for a section will be called Random Picture on My Phone for that week. So I'll look through pictures on my phone and I'll upload a random one and you'll get it in your inbox. That could be a section of the newsletter. I like that. Another thing we could do is link to old videos

and like provide insight, new insight to old videos. Like we can show, oh, do you remember this random old Jake Namir prom? Did you know that we shot that the same day as this? Like in Ransom, I have the eye makeup from Mime. Oh, I didn't even know that. Yeah, that's a fun little anecdote story because I wasn't able to remove that makeup well enough. And then there's also, isn't, we did Nose Job and then we shot another video after that and your nose is like healing a little right but that was on purpose right yeah ransom one was just an on accident that's fine uh what's another thing we could do for the newsletter uh insight to shows that we might have not announced yet so

you can be the first to find out stuff like that i don't know we don't know what the newsletter is going to be but it's just going to be an easy way to keep in touch with us uh let's say we have exciting news to announce and we're going to wait until Tuesday to announce it. Or it's coming out every Tuesday? Yeah. Cool. So you guys get this instead of a video. Yeah, exactly. It's a way to keep in touch with us instead of just using our videos. And you can sign up to our newsletter. If you go to jakeandamir.com, there's a link. Or ifireashow.com or on our Facebook page. We're making it very prominent. You'll be able to find it if you really search it. It's called Amir and Jake's Newsletter. We really should redesign

jakeandamir.com. I know. I know you want to do that. Do you know that we should do it? The master hasn't made his mind up yet. No, I agree that we should. That's the one thing we don't know how to do i don't i can't design anything and our web designer friend is already busy designing another website yeah we need more talented friends well who's the guy that made fuck me finally

that was good enough you're hired re-fired re-hired uh all right let's answer another quest show um let's go for lady franklin hmm franklin franklin so the guy's name was melrose but the girl's name is franklin that is correct. Gotcha. Franklin writes, At 63, I am perhaps your oldest regular listener. I know this question. We should give her a real name.

Oh, really? A pretty name, yeah. Okay. But not her real name. No. Okay. Poinsettia. Poinsettia. At 63 years old, I am perhaps your oldest regular listener,

having been introduced by both of my grandsons. I always enjoyed the show, but never imagined that I would have a problem that you might be interested in. But now I think I do. My long-term partner and the father of my children passed away five years ago, and I have not had a relationship with a man since then. Recently, though, I have found myself being attracted to my mailman, an attraction which I think is reciprocated. He makes a point of telling me he is single almost every time we speak and often compliments me on the clothes I wear. I live in an apartment, and he will ring to come up to my door even when there's no package. There is an issue, however. The man is 25 years my junior and when I spoke to my daughter about it, she said he was most probably trying to get money out of me, of which I have little.

Should I be bold and try to initiate a possibly romantic relationship with my mailman or heed my daughter's advice and steer well clear? Thank you for what I'm sure will be very helpful and funny advice. Wow. Such an eloquent email. Yeah, because... It's so well written. Because she's a 63-year-old lady. Yes. Because she's kind and smart and has lived long.

Mm-hmm. She is wise. And then the other dude was like, I lost respect for this girl I fucked in the ass by accident. I accidentally borderline anal raped someone and now I'm worried that I don't respect her. What should I do? And this girl's like,

I'm having feelings for my mailman. My daughter is warning me otherwise. What do you guys think? Do you know why you think why her daughter is warning her? Like, what's the game? Who is this glocal mailman that's going to be stealing money from her? Well, that's the thing. It could be global.

Okay. 25 years is a significant amount. That means the dude is 38. Right. That's like six years older than me flirting with a 63-year-old. But like 63 doesn't necessarily look like a grandma. Yeah, because 60 is the new 40. I'd agree.

Yeah. I agree. I like my girl's 63, W. I think the daughter just must be trying to protect the mom, because the daughter's thinking, this guy's 38 years old. He's not trying to bone you. But daughter's got blinders on.

She doesn't know how hot her mom is. Right. You never know how hot your own mother is. You're a cougar. Yeah, of yourself. Wow. Can a grandma be a cougar? A cougar?

That was definitely an accent. A gray cougar? I think so. I think a cougar is just an older lady. Or does she have to be like 40? I thought she had to be like, I don't know. Well, since 60 is the new 40, then I guess this is the new cougar. All right.

So what would you suggest? What do you think the advice should be? I think you should always be bold. I do think you should be bold. If he's telling you he's single, what if he's telling her he's single because he wants to get set up with the with her daughter. Hmm. I'm just kidding. That wouldn't be it.

No. Yeah. I think you should be bold. Make a make a move. Always. Whoa. So she should ask him out. Yeah.

Has he asked her out? Do you think he's no, she said he compliments her and mentions that he's single. So maybe there's a move in between asking him out. Like, ask him what he's doing. Say maybe there's a move in between asking him out. Like, ask him what he's doing. Flirt back. Say you're single too. Ask him if he had a fun weekend.

Ask him like, what kind of stuff he does. And maybe, and like, then you say, oh, I like that stuff too. Then he invites you.

Then, I would just say like, make yourself available. And then take a step forward. You don't have to be so bold, but be a little bold. And then a little underlined and just slightly, very slightly, Italian. Oh.

Like bold and italic. Italian. Yeah. Italian. They're always like slanted to the right. Wasn't that one of your profiles once i think it does sound like i am bold i am underlined and i am italian like that's the same thing as italicized yeah

i hope so because i like that joke it definitely was. Can she maybe flirt and proceed with caution? Yeah. I think because that way you're sort of heeding your daughter's advice a little bit. You're saying, all right, I'll proceed. Yeah. I mean, he's not stealing money from you yet, unless she actually thinks that he's going to go into her house and legit steal cash. I don't understand the steel like i think i understand like does she think that they'll go on dates maybe he doesn't

your daughter is maybe nervous that like i don't if his intentions aren't pure but i feel like maybe she said something that wouldn't hurt her mother's feelings and she was like he'll steal money from you but maybe she's really thinking like I don't want him to rail you out. And she doesn't want her mom to do, you know, we know how men are. Yeah. This other dude fucked a girl in the butt without saying anything. She's trying to protect her mother from 38-year-old dudes. Yeah, because guys are all assholes.

And her mother is sweet. Right. But I think if you are like, you know what, I'm not looking for anything serious. I just want to get boned. I just want to give a bone. And this mailman, like, he's not trying to rob me. He's maybe just trying to get boned too. So flirt.

Don't ask out, but just say, hey, how are you doing? Delve the conversation into deeper, more personal issues. That way it'll open yourself up to potentially be asked out by this mailman yeah then when you're out on a date with him make sure that he's not actually stealing cash from you like if he's like hey where should we go why don't we go to that restaurant that's your bank account number what is that one again yeah and she's like oh that one is oh one four wait. That's when the red flags start going off, Granny. She actually is a grandma. Yeah.

So you calling her Granny is fine. I know. It's good. And it is fair. It is legal. It is coy. It is fair. And it is fine.

I love this lady. I want her to get nailed if that's what she wants. And at 63 She's I basically think Definitely the oldest Listener of the show So thanks for tuning in

That's really great Thank you And thanks for being smart And modern And forward thinking enough To listen to podcasts At age 63 Way to go

My parents don't listen To podcasts Actually they listen To a lot of podcasts They just don't listen To yours My dad just gobbled up Serial and every other Comedy podcast He's a huge You made it weird fan listen to a lot of podcasts they just don't listen to yours yeah my dad just gobbled up cereal and

every other comedy podcast he's a huge you made it weird fan and he refuses to listen to our episode yeah your dad when the last time he saw me he was like keep it crispy oh my god that's amazing i love that he likes pete my mom loves mark maron uh all right that's it that's our time uh oh thanks to the following people who uh wrote us great reviews on our uh itunes page nice itunes has uh very has a very secret monopoly on podcasts so if you leave a helpful review and you subscribe to our show that's immensely helpful i think we like shot up to a top five comedy podcast and we were number one in the uk and in australia just by like a hundred hundred of you uh subscribing to our show and rating it and reviewing it so we said we'd thank some people by name uh here's some fun names that of people that reviewed it carrot slate

oh sort of like carrot slap Slap, but not. Jake and Demir and Grant. Good name. Thank you for leaving a five-star review. The three of us. Koydiv. I like these names. Yeah.

Dat Shy Guy. And my favorite, Wokanut. It's like coconut with a W. Oh. Wokanut. So thank you if you haven't left a review. Now's your chance. we'll thank you next time thanks for listening everybody

we'll be back I think on Thursday this week well alright with a new episode if you have your own theme song submissions or your own questions send those to

if I were you show at gmail.com we're also accepting thumbnail submissions every time we post this podcast to our Facebook page. We need one.

So thanks for everybody that's been sending those in. The opening theme song was written by an anonymous 15-year-old who doesn't want credit, but should because it was great. And this closing one, also great, was written by George. Thanks, anonymous. Thanks, George. Thanks, you guys. Thanks, Wokenut.

Thanks, Wokenut. This is the Master signing off. This is the Master. I am the Master and I'm signing off. Yeah, I'm the Master and I'm actually not signing off, so you better not press that button. Master signing off. Bye. No.

I sang a serenade for Amir and Jane Now then, how do you do If I were you? Tell me all your little sins When you email these guys in They'll sort you out If I were you, show at gmail.com Tell them what is going on they'll try to help you out to help you out