Segments - 149: Orgy (Live at Duke U!)

Episode Date: April 23, 2015

In this episode we discuss glitter, jealousy, and group sex. Recorded live at Duke University. This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub.com and Prosper.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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All right. Duke University, what's up? All right. Yeah. Am I as loud as I think I am? Yes. Nice. Perfect.

You guys don't know what's going on inside my head. You don't know how loud I think I am. Look at everybody in the audience. You know, we spent all weekend in Chapel Hill and I don't know what they're talking about. You guys are not obnoxious, rich, spoiled assholes. You look fine to me. Although there are a couple of you

right I know we're both thinking yeah this guy what's your name oh David is the most spoiled asshole name you can have let me guess your last name what is it money

I was gonna let him say it money's his middle name. David Money, what's your last name? Cash. David Money Cash? And that's your brother. Jeremy Money Cash. What's your name, brother?

What is it? Oh, so Jewish and rich. Actually, that's not... Because I'm Jewish. Oh, should I not have said anything about that? Yeah. So it's fine if he's Jewish, fine if he's rich.

Yeah, exactly right. Got it, okay. Any other Jewish people here? See, they live in North Carolina. So tight. Who came here from far, far away? Whoever is the closest to me, where did you come from? Florida, just from this show.

Just for this show. Oh, yes, you did come from Florida for this show. Really, for this show? Yeah. You're fucking crazy. That's nuts. Did you drive here? Yeah.

How long did it take? 12 hours? You don't look like you're old enough to operate a motor vehicle. Did you drive? You drove. Okay, good. And you had a car seat for him, right?

A car seat for the driver? For really short people. Are you videotaping this entire thing? Oh, it's Will. Hey, brother. That's okay. I forgot we paid someone to tape the entire thing. Did you give him money?

Well, Jeremy and David cash money offered him 10 grand each. Yeah, they sort of just like sweat money so they stood near Will. Yeah. That was cool. It's like one of those cash flowy machine thingies. Yeah.

Never mind. Who here is also tipsy? No, I'm just joking. Did you guys have class today? Yes. Oh, isn't class the worst? Who here likes weed, huh? We're like two guys trying to be cool,

but we're actually here to talk about God. Yeah, being high is pretty cool, but you know what's the highest of all? Heaven. Can we talk about heaven and how you get in? You don't smoke ganja. I'll tell you that right now. I know a guy who got high.

All the way on top of a cross. Oh, Jesus. Well, that's exactly his name, too. No, just kidding. You guys like getting high? You guys like getting hammered? I'll tell you who got high and who got hammered. How do you think he stuck there?

Nice. I'm half Christian. I'm half Christian. I'm half Christian. It's cool. But seriously, who here likes getting nailed? Smart school if you're already laughing. Who here does go to Duke?

Awesome. Do you think you could get into Duke if you applied right now? Don't I have to be in high school? Don't I have to be in high school? You don't have to be in high school to apply to college. Really? Yeah, you could just be like, this is my resume. I did some community college, which you did.

I'd like to finish my education at Duke. And then you could say, I'm also a fairly successful comedy writer. Oh, so I could, yeah, I could talk about that. You could use that. Okay. Well, I had a.6 when I failed out of college. Oh, then you blew a.6. Am I right?

And then a 6 blew me. Oh, yeah. This is your essay. Talk about that. I'm going to major in slam poetry. And minor in art history. Do you guys have to take interviews to get into this school? Is that that kind of school where an alumni would interview you?

Wow, that's legit, dude. Either way, you should say that during the interview. Wow, that's legit, man. Yeah. And you know who's going to be interviewing you is Shane Battier. Really? Yeah. Mr. Battier himself. Yeah. And you know who's going to be interviewing you is Shane Battier. Really? Yeah. Mr. Battier himself.

Yeah. What an honor. Yes, sir. So who here has heard of our podcast before? Thank God. Who here hasn't? Leave now. It's all inside jokes for the first people who move

so the show we do is an advice podcast we answer people's questions they'll email us to ifireashow at gmail.com we'll comb through the thousands of submissions and reply to a few of them every episode sometimes it's just me and Jake alone in our room

and sometimes we do it with 700 smart people in the room too. And that's today. 700 of you here. Can you believe it? That's a no. They're smart enough to count. They know it's six. Just cash and money and his two friends.

Which makes four, I know. We start every episode with an original theme song, and we are fortunate today to be able to do that live, thanks to Rachel, Jake's sister, and her friend Jenny. So Rachel and

Jenny, will you come up on this stage and start our show with a theme song that you yourselves have written? Let's give Rachel and Jenny a round of applause. I'm going to need your mic over here, Blumenfeld. Well, I figured I would sing along. You don't know the words, but actually that's kind of a cool idea. We just ruined their song.

If you keep on playing, Amir will freestyle. No, no, I would never. All right, one more time for Rachel and Jenny. Whoo! Jake and Amir Give us their advice it's always real but it's not always nice

if I were you I'd still take it and through your rough road you'll make it If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now Thank you, Rachel. Thank you, Jenny. Let's give it up for them. And

you guys go away. Love you so much. You're my sister. You're cool. Came out of the same mom. Two people out of the same woman. Can you believe it? Yeah, sure. I mean, I guess that happens a lot.

Still kind of crazy. Also, she's a triplet, so that's what we should really be focusing on. Yeah, sure. Three humans out of the same person at the same time? That's a little more... Hey, give it up for my mother, Laura Hurwitz, huh? Bitch carry three fucking humans. In her stomach.

You shouldn't say bitch carry three. That's what she did. I know, but you shouldn't just use the B word. Especially about your own mother. That's what I was saying. She's my bitch, man. Love that lady forever.

Sure. Okay. And for those of you at home listening, the reason there was a smattering of laughter during that song is because Jake was pantomimed slow dancing with me. I was not. Now, I resent the implication and the accusation. You were slow dancing with me. It really sounded like you had more to say there.

All right. You guys want to get started? You guys want to help us give some people advice? Great. Does anybody know the passcode for my phone? Sort of. One, two, three, three. All right. Here we go. That's go how i knew it right uh these are real

emails from real people we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity um i i i think a good theme today would be duke basketball players but maybe does does anybody have one a male basketball player's name but the more obscure the the better. Wait, what was that? Who's Cotton Oshima? I heard a Crandus. That's J.J. Reddick's middle name. J.J. Crandus Reddick. So fucking cool.

Right. Much like a seventh grade science fair project, my problem is trifold. Reddick was all about the threes. Number one. My girlfriend's emotionally abusive ex killed himself a few weeks ago.

It's okay to laugh. He's not here. Oh, God. That's specifically why it's not. They stayed friends after they broke up and he was a known dip fuck. But for some reason, she kept going back to him

even after we started dating. The product of all this is that even though it's been weeks since his death, she constantly talks about him, their memories, random little shit she remembers about him. She even keeps telling me the details of his mental collapse before the suicide. I mean, I don't want to sound insensitive.

But it's honestly getting so annoying. It really seems like she's more interested in him than me. I mean, how is that fair? Number two, my ex

and I stay in touch, and we kind of flirt to boost each other's ego, saying the other looks hot, reminiscing about old sexual escapades, et cetera, et cetera. She's also in a committed relationship, so is this cheating? Number three.

No, you found a loophole. Number three. Our side you found a loophole. Number three. Are sideburns a good look? Cheers and to die. JJ Reddick. Well, so let's hone in on number one, the most important thing. Sideburns, super chill.

Yeah. I think that's cool. I agree. This guy sounds like a good guy, at the very least, to the right of his ears. Should we work backwards? I don't know. This guy is kind of... He's upset at his girlfriend for talking about her dead ex-boyfriend

while he's talking to his... Sorry, I'm hung up on sideburns. Yeah, so there's sort of like... There's two schools of thought here. Okay, well, how long are they, right? We gotta talk thickness. Yeah, well, let's say sideburns to here are sort of a douchey look, which would make sense. Below the earlobes.

This guy is... He's a bad person. He's a bad man. That makeshuh. He's a bad man. That makes sense. He's a bad guy. Do you ever think, like, you look at yourself in the mirror

and you're like, I'm a villain? That should be you, guy listening to this question. Villains don't know that they're villains. Do they not? That's what makes them villains.

No, because Lex Luthor knew he was a villain. He was like, I'm gonna kill Superman? Yeah, but he thought He was like, I'm going to kill Superman. Yeah, but he thought Superman was like a freak of nature, hell-bent to perhaps destroy the Earth with his super strength. Is that what Lex Luthor thought?

I just think that's an interesting, complicated dilemma that would be going on in his brain. You should write the gritty reboot. You really think so? Yeah, I really do think so. Actually, is it crazy to say you should play Superman? Yeah, but I guess. Yeah, you really do think so. Actually, is it crazy to say you should play Superman? Yeah, but I guess. Yeah, you could do it. There's never been a Jewish Superman, so maybe...

Can you get mad at your ex-girlfriend for continually talking about her dead ex-boyfriend? I don't want to be pissed, but it seems like she's in a relationship with him. Yeah. From beyond the grave. I think if you are dealing with somebody who's deceased, it's okay to...

You're not... You can't... They can't act upon that. It's fair to ask the question, how can you be jealous of someone who's dead? Is anybody here jealous of a dead person? Like, I thought George Washington had great hair. Yeah. He had Washington had great hair. Yeah. He had a flow for sure.

Yeah. Wig or otherwise. Did he have a wig? Number two. You are emotionally cheating on someone while you're being upset about her talking about her ex-dead boyfriend. Well, I would say, is it cheating?

I don't think, personally, I don't think it's cheating to send texts and say, you look hot. That's not cheating, right? But talking about your past sexual escapades is like on the way to cheating. Yeah, yeah, you're like, I feel like if cheating is a house, you're ringing the doorbell.

Yeah, like this. That's actually how it looks to finger a girl. And you're also sitting down in a chair laughing while you do it, right? I'm a bad doctor. And an even worse therapist. And a terrible nanny. And a very bad boyfriend.

Oh, no. Yeah, okay. So if cheating is a house, you are not, you're ringing the doorbell. You can't enter. Well, let's say this guy is saying, you look hot. And she's saying, hey, you look hot too. She's let you into the foyer at that point. Oh, my God, he's in the lobby.

Hey, how's it going? I'm sorry to just drop in like that. But she's like, no, it's actually nice I expected you, you expected me And then you say, should I take off my shoes? And that's the past escapades part And she says, you know what, don't take off your shoes But why don't you take off your jacket

And that's where you are You're inside the foyer Your coat's on the hook Do you want to go into the house? I don't think so Because the other house that you're talking about Is a to go into the house? I don't think so, because the other house that you're talking about is a goddamn mausoleum, so I don't think...

It's okay to applaud, because I wove that. Like a yeah. Just as a general rule, it's okay to applaud. You shouldn't say it after story. No, I want to save it for when I really, really want it. Just know that it's okay to laugh. Ouch.

How about it's okay to laugh is code for everyone be really, really quiet. Yeah, and the other way around. Hey, it's okay to laugh. It's the saddest three seconds in a stand-up comedian's routine. It's okay to laugh. It's the saddest three seconds in a stand-up comedian's routine. It's okay to laugh. It really does make my stomach fucking... Well, you also had clam dip earlier today. Sure, yeah.

That did happen. That has something to do with it. So I would say be less jealous for your girlfriend's relationship with her dead other because he recently passed and these feelings are fresh to her. Be more sensitive to your current girlfriend by not flirting and talking about your sexual escapades

with your ex-girlfriend. Okay. And let's go no sideburns. I love what you're doing with your hands right now. I agree. Does everybody agree? And even not, it really doesn't matter. Y'all don't have microphones.

I like saying y'all, especially down here. It makes me feel right. It makes me feel like you're pandering just a little bit. Okay. Y'all love Coach K? It's okay to laugh. Oh, man, that is so sad to me. All right. Great question.

Let's give it up for that question asker. Not 100% sure he deserves applause, but sure. The bad people write the best questions. That's the irony. So we need a name for question number two. Oh, this is a lady basketball player. Nico! Someone said Nico, and I don't think there's any way to verify

if that was a woman who played basketball. Is there? Does anyone know? Is that fact-checked-able? No, I think that's a reference to your videos with her. Oh, my wife. I remember her now. Nico, it is. Nico writes,

thank God I know how to read. This podcast would be so freaking hard. Sure. For, I mean, many reasons, it's good that you know how to read. This podcast would be so freaking hard. Sure. For, I mean, many reasons, it's good that you know how to read. Stop signs.

Yeah. Well, that I can just tell by the shape. My ex and I, Nico writes, my ex and I broke up within the past few months, but we still see each other every day and still hook

up every once in a while. I've been wondering if he's been talking to other girls and I knew he wasn't being honest when I asked him. So he lives with some of my friends and I know the passcode to all of his Apple devices so I'm able to read his iMessages by checking out his iPad that he barely uses since iMessages sync up to all of his devices. Brilliant so far. Your eyebrows are on fleek right now. Thank you. I know it's so fucked up, but I haven't...

I know it's so fucked up, but I haven't... I know it's so fucked up, but I've been reading them. And he's definitely been on that Tinder game or getting girls' numbers. He even texted a girl and asked her to make out with him. WTF? Who does that? And he went on a date on Valentine's Day, which he lied about. I know we're not in a relationship,

but he's definitely been cheating on me. Anyway, how do I confront him about all this and not reveal that I've been invading his privacy? Love, Nico. Let's go for Nico. he's how is he cheating he's not cheating right he slept with another girl after they clearly broke up so if we can relate this question to the last question the girl in this question is dead right oh yeah so you can do anything and that's. Once you break up with someone it's borderline like they're gone forever.

Yes. Because you can say oh we should still be friends or let's still hang out every once in a while. Right. And you could even say let's fuck and you could even actually fuck but you can't ever be like did you hook up with someone and the answer of course is always no and what really

happened is almost always yes, but it's always fine. As long as it's always mine. That actually reminds me of a rap, really, that you just made up. It's okay to cheat on the deceased. It's okay to take a seat on a seat It's okay to make a plane out of seats

Because you gotta fly, you gotta go real high And see other people's guys Why don't you do your own thing Make your own songs and sing your own sings Do your own notch and other things Give it up for Amir. Beautiful advice. Do your own song and do your own things.

Yeah. Sing your own things and do your own things. I don't think you should ever hook up with an ex-lover. Thoughts? I think that's some of the best sex you can have. Why? Didn't you break up because

things weren't going great? Yeah, but then afterwards it's like, we shouldn't be doing this. This is you fucking goofy. That's me as sexy as I can be. Oh, we shouldn can be, too. Oh, we shouldn't be doing this. Oh, no. Oh, Minnie.

Oh, shit, that's Goofy fucking Minnie while Mickey's fucking in the other room. Oh, no. Mickey can hear the whole thing. It's a dog and mouse game. I thought we were being quiet as a mouse doing it doggy style, but no. It's okay to applaud.

I think we should end the show right now. Really? 40 minutes early. I think we should end the podcast. Forever. Yeah. Goodbye. the show right now. Really? 40 minutes early. I think we should end the podcast forever. Yeah. Goodbye. Hmm.

So you say it's good, it's fine to sleep with your ex-lover? Yeah, I think it's fine to sleep with whoever you want as long as everybody's single. And can you... And your ex is definitely single,

right? Because you guys aren't in a relationship. She's the most single you can be. A hundred percent. Yeah. That's the most anything can can be. A hundred percent. Yeah. That's the most anything can be. Sure.

When you think about it, mathematically. You also, like, know how to get, like, you know how to get your ex off, you know what I'm saying? Huh? Oh, because it takes time to figure out that. Yeah, everybody gets each other after a little bit. That's like a Rubik's Cube.

Sure. So, yeah, you could, like, in a Rubik's Cube, the first time you're solving it, it takes like an hour and there's a YouTube tutorial involved. Oh, right. Just like my first time. By the end. You remember your first time fucking, right? Yeah, it was like up, up, down, down. U prime, L prime. L U, L U, R U, R U. R U, R U. R U, L U, R U, R U.

R U, R U, R U, R U, R U wet. R U wet. What a specific reference to a specific YouTube tutorial that we know about. And we did Rubik's Cubes, right? We also fucked each other. Right. So by the end,

then you can solve the Rubik's Cube in under three minutes and that's a goddamn record for not the world but for y'all you know and then you can do it fucking blindfolded

right the irony is the people that can solve the Rubik's Cube the fastest have never gotten laid so wait what's the advice? Put your fist... I kissed it.

I already kissed the fist. I kissed the fist. Class dismissed. So it's fine to fuck your ex, but he's not cheating on you because he's single. The end. And here's a public service announcement.

If you've ever given a password to a girlfriend, already you fucked up. But then when you break up, change the passwords. Real quick. Jesus Christ. I highly suggest using 1Password, which is a program that makes passwords so complicated you yourself don't even know them and can't give them to somebody else. It seems really dangerous. A computer...

Did you see Terminator, man? The whole thing started because Schwarzenegger knew your password. Mine? Yours specifically. What an awesome movie that was for me. When he looked at the screen and I jumped into it, which is another Schwarzenegger movie.

Last Action Hero. Look into it. Let's give it up for that girl, Nico. How are you feeling? I'm feeling fine. Yeah, good, actually. Yeah, great. It's nice to be here. In Dorham. Where did you say we were?

We're in Dorham! This is like bad pandering. I just looked at my iPhone before we walked in. I love Dorham. I love Duke University. Oh, you're just not bad. You're also, you can't stop. Coach, coach, coach, coach, coach.

I hope we win the tournament. Coach, coach, coach, coach, coach. I hope we win the tournament. Coach, that was the game. The basket game yesterday was off the hook. Off the hook. Two, two, two. Free throw, free throw, three. It's okay

to laugh. Perfect. We need another male basketball name. Sean Kelly. That's pretty good. You're real quick with it. I like you a lot. You drove up here from Florida. You're my main man

now. Is Sean Kelly related to Ryan Kelly? Didn't think so. Ryan Kelly is the player in the NBA that looks the most like me. Everybody has one. The most you wish

you looked like someone. Oh, fuck off, dude. Yeah, you fuck off, dude. I look like Ryan Kelly. You do not look like... I take off my glasses and people approach me on the street saying,

I thought you were so much taller. I thought you were 6'11 and really athletic. Yeah. No. No. Absolutely not.

You're a pasty little Jew. Hey. You are. It's okay. You're Scott Brooks at best. No further comment. Ryan Kelly's brother, Sean Kelly, writes, Hi guys, recently my friends walked into the room while I was rubbing my balls.

Makes sense. My pants were on, but they analyzed the way I was rubbing them and thought I had a vagina. They're so persuaded that I do that they won't stop calling me mangina until I show them a dick pic. I can assure you that I do indeed have male genitalia, but I do not want to show it to my male friends.

What should I do? Is this normal or are they seriously messed up? Thanks, love Sean Kelly. Can you demonstrate how he probably was rubbing his balls based on the fact that they thought for sure he had a vagina? A little bit like this. God damn it, I'm so sorry. Mom, turn down the podcast.

Turn down the podcast, baby. My sister's here. My family's here. And you made me rub my fake clit in front of a bunch of strangers. Not only that, but I see very clearly you're wet. Oh, you got moist. Now I have to show you a picture of my penis. Yeah, otherwise I know that you have a mangina.

Why are you so concerned? Yeah, I'm afraid they won't stop calling me that. Would you rather have that nickname or dick pic? Because that's the other option. That's the other dick pic. Yeah, that's what's going to happen. You're either mangina or dick pic. I feel like if all of my male friends thought that I had a vagina, that would still be okay.

Because it doesn't really matter what they think that I have, right? Unless. Unless, like, I would just have sex with women, and if my friends think that I have a vagina, I would say okay. What if I said, is it okay, mangina? And then a weird music would play, like when you call Marty McFly yellow. Oh, yeah. And he'd be like, ugh, I can't control myself right now. Did you call me manchina?

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. I guess the problem is, why haven't you taken a picture of your dick? He probably has a pussy. Yeah. Anybody who doesn't have a picture of your dick? He probably has a pussy. Yeah. Anybody who doesn't have a picture of their penis has a vagina. That's why they call it that. What? What?

You know the old Latin translation of vagina is no penis picture. Back before photos were invented, too. I know, that's why it's so crazy. That's how smart Latin people are. I guess I would just encourage this guy to listen to the beginning of the podcast where we talked about somebody who killed themselves. Your problems are minuscule.

It's fine. You don't have a vagina, and they'll probably forget about it. Or. Or. What? Take a pic. Not of your dick.

Okay. But of somebody else's dick. Or. Or. Take a picture of a pussy. Yeah. That's clearly like someone squeezing it to make a penis. Legit, that's actually a good idea.

So you're like, yeah, I actually have a dick. Honestly, yeah. And what it is, it's somebody... I can't tell if it's a good idea or if this is just like a really good joke for this guy. What's the difference? Yeah, it's probably true. So just Google image search really large clit. And then he's like, fine, I fucking did it.

I took a picture of my penis. And then show it to your friends. And it'll be a clitoris. And everybody will have a good laugh. If you don't want to search that whole phrase, what you do is search really, and Google will say, did you mean really large clit? Because it sort of knows based on popular response.

It'll show you the It'll give you the same suggestion if you just search meaty. Yeah. Like if you're starting to type medium. Yeah. M-E-D-I Well, if you even write M-E it'll write meaty clit. Oh, for real.

Try it. Try it right now. No, don't try it right now. I know, because it won't work. What was I going to say? Oh, no, I forgot. Oh, yeah, what's the longest clit you've ever seen? Thank God you forgot that. And I'm horrified you remembered to ask.

Was it like a soggy pencil? This is such a private conversation that I would still refute. Have you ever had a light that you had to turn on and off like that with a little dangly string? Longer or shorter than said average string? Just stop when you've seen the longest clip.

Before I answer, I do want to tell you that you had sex with a guy What? And the clit was so long and so thick and hard That she put it in my ass, I think That could happen, right? The longest clit? Is that a real clit? Do you really want me to answer? I definitely don't know

Me neither What's the longest clit that Is that a real clit? Do you really want me to answer? I definitely don't know. Me neither. What's the longest clit that you've ever seen? Well, how would you measure the distance? There's for sure a professor in this audience that left. Which is fine. That's a normal thing to do. Yeah, sure. What's the biggest clit that you've ever

experienced? Oh, experienced? I thought I've just been seen photos of. Oh, really? Yeah. But every clit I've seen is the shape of a coffee bean. Why, every clit I've ever seen is the shape

of a coffee bean. Every clit I've ever seen is the shape of a coffee bean. Every clit I've seen is like a coffee bean, slightly less caffeinated and more alienated, because I ostracized myself. I sent myself to my land on an island. Hawaii, why me, I said, when I saw eat. For someone that's not that good at freestyle, we sure do do it a lot.

Should we go to the next question? I don't even remember what this question was, but I think we answered it. Whoa. That's more of a request, sir. I don't even remember what this question was but I think I answered it whoa that's more of a request sir the specific question was what should I do

ah gee whiz unfortunately I don't remember the rest of the question before that either should he take a picture of his dick to prove his Ah, gee whiz. Unfortunately, I don't remember the rest of the question before that either. Should he take a picture of his dick to prove his friendship? Most likely your friends are fucking with you. Yes, you are taking it very seriously. The more serious you take it,

the more they try. That's how it works. We're just advising people who are getting bullied to act differently around bullies. I'm cool with him showing a picture of a vagina. I think that's a good joke. I think that'll satisfy everyone. And then when they don't like that,

you just show them your penis. Make sure there's no pictures involved because the last thing you really want is a picture of your penis anywhere. That's what they're trying to get. Penises aren't photogenic. What are you talking about? It wasn't a joke.

It was just a statement. You don't think my dick is good looking? I said it wasn't photogenic. Oh, it doesn't photograph well. I think your dick has a good side, and I think you haven't found it yet. All right. Should we take a midway break?

A little breather? A little pause? Let's take a nice breather. Let's talk. Let's chill. Let's get to know everybody. Jake's virginity story. Woo! Yeah! Yeah! So.

Here's what happens now. Lock the doors. Oh, they already were locked. Shit, we're kind of fucked. If you're listening at home, we're going to cut to a quick commercial break, and we'll be right back after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah.

It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Let's give it up for Jake. I'm proud of you.

I appreciate that. Who wants to answer a couple more questions? I'm emotionally spent and dead, actually. Do you guys have anywhere to go after this? Because this can go all night. Or at the very least another 17 minutes until they kick us out. Alright, we need another guy's name. Peyton Manning did not go to Duke.

He played basketball here. Did he? No. What was that? Todd who? Todd Zaforowski. Is that like Coach K's nephew or something? He just left any Polish name on the team.

As long as it's hard to pronounce. I really like winning at Scrabble is all. That's what Robert Durst impressed me. That's what Coach K sounds like. Does he? Yeah. All right. Coach K writes.

He's not. Okay. Last night the party I was at got crazy and a random girl I was hooking up with rubbed glitter on my dick. I'm trying everything, but I can't get the glitter off my dick. It's legitimately starting to hurt

from all the scrubbing and paint thinner. You're switching to a Coach K impression. That's fine. My girlfriend will wonder where the glitter came from. And I'm afraid there's only one conclusion she will come to. Alright, now do Robert Durst.

Mm-hmm. I need advice. What should I say to my girlfriend so she doesn't get mad? Please help me out. Love, Coach K. So you're... Just to be clear, the question isn't, should I break up with my girlfriend?

I cheated on her? No, no, no. And it's not, how do I get glitter off my dick? It's, what do I tell my girlfriend when she sees... Well, the glitter's on the dick. That's happening. Yeah.

It's not coming off. My dick's covered in glitter. I have a glow-in-the-dark penis now. Absolutely. It looks like a cylindrical disco ball down there. That's not changing. How do I explain it? Do I say I fucked, I don't know,

a parking meter or something? What would cause... What do you think people put in parking meters? Quarters, and you think they glitter? Yeah, the nickel rubs off on them, the metal. And if you thread the needle just right, a really thin dick, if you fuck that slob, it'll start chasing you.

Baby, I cheated on you. I'm so fucked. I can't believe it. I got so drunk and I didn't... No, I love you. And for a moment last night, I... What happened? Who was it?

Who did you sleep with? Someone. Let me finish baby you're freaking me out Mike I'm trying to talk to you how is your hair so jet black at age 73 it doesn't add up

I know look that's what I'm trying to tell you sorry what I want to say before you judge me is I love you I love you too but this is really starting to freak me out Unconditionally Say unconditionally baby

I fucked a parking meter sweetheart That's right That's right I fucked a parking meter baby Don't laugh at me Don't laugh at me bitch Okay you can't call me that i won't that was fucked i will ever call you that again baby even that slipped out right that was a little it was heated it got weird when you said don't laugh at me bitch that was not okay and i

apologize for that and the parking meter and like a bat too. Of course. So where was it? Baby, look. Look. A girl with a glitter hand gave me a handjob. Straight up. Straight up. Oh, thank God. I thought you fucked the parking meter.

See, that's what you do. And it's that easy. A reverse. Set up the worst. Don't applaud that, because that was actually really, really, really, really bad advice. So here's what I would say. You went to a glitter party. You waved your hands in the air.

You danced around. And then you had glitter on your hands. But uh-oh, you have to pee. And then you went into the bathroom. You started to pee. And glitter got on your dick. And that's okay, because you were at a glitter party. And you had glitter on your hands. And then you went pee the bathroom, you started to pee, and glitter got on your dick, and that's okay because you were at a glitter party and you had glitter on your hands. And then you went, pee, everyone pees.

So you're explaining it to a girl? Unless you don't think everyone pees. Everyone pees. Now on the burping. So here's my advice. Does it not coincide with my advice? It's slightly different. Okay.

I wouldn't say you were waving your hand in the air, dancing like you just don't care. I didn't say that. You coat your entire body in glitter. Suddenly, the dick doesn't seem like an anomaly. Really interesting. It plays right in. And then you go to her out of breath, inhaling glitter.

I was accosted! By who? By a glitterman. Is that a Jewish person? Yes! It was Jonathan Glitterman, and he covered me in diamonds. And then if your body is covered in the same glitter your cock is,

that silence is how you should react when someone says cock. If your body is covered in the same glitter your dick is, No, say cock. cock is, then nobody knows which part of what was touched by who. It was just a giant glitter festival, and there's glitter everywhere. How's that for a reason?

Alright, so reason number one, you went to a party where there was glitter and glitter got on your hands and then your penis and your suggestion is glitter all over your entire body including your penis, which would suggest you were naked at the party which is a no-no.

Let's vote. Everyone clap if you think I'm right. All right, deafening applause. Clap if you think I'm right. Yeah! Yes! I thought you guys were smart, man. That was all UNC students applauding.

This is a question they ask in the Duke interview is why I said it. Oh, fair. Guy's dick covered in glitter. So, uh, what would you do? Fast, though. Because I gotta go home.

Um, ready for the last Wait, is this the last question? Yeah, one more question I just want to say Maybe if he's cheating on his girlfriend He should break up with her anyway Oh, sure, yeah Always break up with your girlfriend

Can I read it? I'm okay Alright, okay No, you can read it Thanks Okay One final dude's name. Swimson!

Travis! Travis? Did someone say... Jordan who? Farmer? He didn't go here. I'm just joking. Michael Jordan.

He went to a different school, didn't he? Actually, not. I'm hearing a lot of yeses. Michael Jordan, can you hear everybody yelling, Duke! All right, how about the Michael Jordan of Duke basketball, Elton Brand? Sure.

Elton Brand writes, so it started with a normal night of drinking in my college dorm. It was going very well. Everyone was having a great time. There were ten of us and eventually we decided to play spin the bottle. You guys have all been there?

And since we were drunk it got intense. Yes! Cut to two hours later seven of us ended up in the next room naked and fucking. Alright! Keep reading! Yes! Cut to two hours later, seven of us ended up in the next room, naked and fucking. All right. Keep reading. Me.

My girlfriend. Another couple. My roommate. A guy and a girl who are in relationship whose significant others weren't there. After about an hour, the girl with her BF there had enough and left.

Her BF followed because obviously you can't participate in an orgy after your significant other leaves. Right? And that's a little bit loaded. Pay attention. So it was down to three guys and two girls.

My girlfriend was paying a lot of attention to the guy next to me. Even as far as to say, I want to make you cum, which started to make me uncomfortable. So I decided I'd had enough, and I left, assuming my girlfriend would follow. Turns out, she decided to stay and follow through on her remark.

I am hurt by this. At least she's not a liar. It was all fun and games. Until she got too serious with this guy. How do I react to this? She stayed and fucked him after I left for over half an hour.

This is cheating, right? What would you do if this happened to you? What would you do? Love Elton Brand. Wow, what an amazing tale. Seven people fucking having a good time You look over your shoulder

Girlfriend's blowing a guy I wanna make you come hot Well don't though Unless I can hook up with you Oh two people left This guy wasn't fucking anybody during the entire orgy Just standing on the side squeezing his balls Ooh I'm gonna nut from watching wasn't fucking anybody during the entire orgy. Just standing on the side, squeezing his balls.

Ooh, I'm gonna nut from watching. Then it comes down to him, his girlfriend, and she's blowing or fucking another dude, and he leaves, she stays, and she ends up having sex with this guy. Is it cheating? Well, she was already having sex with the guy before he left.

At the very least, I would advise anybody in the middle of an orgy who's going to leave, like banking on the fact that their girlfriend's going to follow out, at least say, hey, come on, we're going to leave. Like a passive-aggressive dude at the end of a dinner party.

We're done here. Oh, honey, we have that thing. Don't forget, tomorrow morning. Oh, yes, the thing. First I want this guy to nut on my face Alright very well but don't forget I love you I'm gonna wait in the car I would say Orgy with your girlfriend

Every time you're gonna fuck someone else With your girlfriend or boyfriend don't But what if it's your one opportunity Actually has anybody here ever done it? Has anyone here, wait, been in an orgy? Wow, a thousand hands up in the air. Are you serious? Tentative hand? Did you really do it?

No, no, no, we can keep the lights down. Wait, wait, wait, fuck the house lights. Spotlight, no, no, no. Ma'am, did you really have an org? No, I had an orgy with my two friends who were dating. It was great. That was a threesome. You had a threesome.

Wait, you personally alone had an orgy with two other people who were dating? So you were like the third wheel of sorts. And wait, but... A guy and a girl? That's so cool. That's so hot. No further questions. Sick.

Okay. Well, I actually do have one question, but maybe come see me after the show. Has anyone... So sorry. Would anyone else... Sorry. Has anyone else... Sorry. Has anyone else... Sorry.

Who will fuck me and that girl? Sorry. I can't not say what I'm thinking. The dude from Florida wants to. This guy will drive another 12 hours to be in an orgy. If you had the opportunity... Sorry. Has anyone else been in an

orgy? Greco-Roman or otherwise. Is there a hand over there? Are you scratching the back of your head wishing you didn't just do that because I'm calling on you now? Got it. Cool. Oh, wait. Stop scratching your...

Anyone who has an itch on their head, now is not the time. Orgy girl. Can we chat for a second? Yes! the time. I feel like orgy girl. Can we chat for a second? Yes. Did that relationship stay intact after you... They're still together.

Are they happy? Is the girl fucking cute? We're all friends? Yes, we're close friends. And you guys go to Duke? They don't go to Duke. close friends. And you guys go to Duke? No. They don't go to Duke. Sexy.

Where do you go? Where do you go? We live in Virginia. They live in Virginia. Oh, that makes sense. Okay, so it is for lovers. The other couple was her brother and her brother's wife. Oh, nice. I'm kidding.

Virginia. First of all, is a threesome an orgy? We got to cut it off at a certain point. I feel like the over-under is three and a half. That is a threesome an orgy? We gotta cut it off at a certain point. I feel like the over-under is three and a half. That's a threesome. Then there's a fourgy. And then there's an orgy. Has anyone here ever had an orgy relationship or otherwise?

See, that's how rare and beautiful a thing it is. Wait, no, the fucking threesome girl just raised her hand again. Oh, oh, yeah, I've also had sex with four and five people. Definitely come find us after the show. If you... You don't have to. But we'd appreciate it.

An orgy is so rare. It is a diamond in the rough. If you have that opportunity... It is a butterfly on the flower of your penis. Absolutely. And if you have the opportunity to do so, even if it's with your girlfriend, don't you at least entertain the notion?

No, never. Is it not worth sacrificing a silly relationship that may or may not end anyway to tell people that, yeah, I fucked seven people at the same time? Well, what if, like, five of them are guys? Whatever. What if you're in an orgy where, like,

it's just you and your girlfriend and then five other dudes Hey, as long as I can say quite confidently that I fucked seven people Yeah, it was a sevensome Everyone fucked my girlfriend but me actually I sort of stuck around after to cuddle Now that I think about it

Oh no I was the conductor of the train. A nice slow burn. I'm sorry. I feel bad your parents are here. That's not true. Where are your parents?

My mother and father are here. Where are they right now? My mother and father are here Where are they right now? My mother and father are in the audience Where are they? Somewhere over there-ish Oh yeah, there they are Have y'all ever had a threesome? Hey

Mom, I love you Dad, you're okay. Nah, just kidding. Mom, you're my bitch. Daddy, you're my wallet. Thanks. That's actually really nice. Should we play another song

to get us out of here? You still have your sister's guitar. Yeah. Rach, you want to play a song? I didn't realize they actually had written a closing song as well. Oh, yeah, let's do it. Yeah, yeah, all right, one more time, Rachel and Jenny. Thank you. Thank you. I'm four or five seconds from asking you to answer all of my questions

You know I'm in a sticky situation Jake and Amir, I wish that you guys could help me Oh, that's all I want. Thank you. That was awesome. Give it up for Rachel and Jenny. Rachel, you're good, but stand to the side while a pretty mediocre guitar player handles things.

Do you know how to play? Here we go. Oh, she's asking if you know what that is. I know a chord. Okay. Okay, here we go. This is our outro song. By the way, thanks so much for coming out.

This has been awesome. You guys have been great. Thank you, group. Thank you, Duke. Thank you, Duke. Go and pee or do what you please Drink some tea or have some coffee or milk Drink some wine or wear some silk Just be comfy is all we're saying Don't go around and start praying Don't you do, can't you do Just drink till we puke, hey, thank you do

Thank you do, thank you do Meet me outside and we'll drink till we puke Hey thank you Duke, thank you, thank you Duke Thank you Duke, thank you Duke, thank you Duke Duke Duke Duke, thank you Duke, thank you Duke Thank you Duke, thank you Duke, thank you Duke Thank you Duke, thank you, Duke Thank you, Duke Thank you, Duke Thank you, Duke

Thank you, Duke Hey, just wanted to quickly remind you guys that we do have more live shows coming up on May 8th in Los Angeles at the Hollywood Improv. We've done a bunch of shows there. It's always super fun. Tickets are still available.

If you go to ifiwereyoushow.com, you can get a link to purchase your own. And then we're also still going to Australia. Our Melbourne show is sold out, but we still have tickets available for Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth on June 9th, 10th, 11th, and 14th, I think. So all the information for everything you need

is at ifiwereyoushow.com or jakeandamir.com. Come on by. It'll be fun. We get to hang out after. We never see each other. All right. See you Monday. Bye.

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