Segments - 15: Trust

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

In this episode we discuss jealousy, trust, and the pros and cons of hooking up with your neighbor. This episode is brought to you by 20Jeans.com! 20 dollar jeans. Because paying more is kind of dumb now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

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Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. You're going to do that. Your eyes were closed for five minutes, so then you just opened them and said hey y'all like hey y'all miss coach or some shit uh today's episode is brought to you by 20jeans.com that's the number 20 and then the word jeans.com and it's called that because they have 20 jeans and you know what actually

i want to mention that i got a pair of 20 jeans and from And? From 20 Jeans. Wore them all last week. Didn't even wash them, actually. Ever. They are awesome. Yeah. And I wouldn't recommend a product I didn't love. Just kidding. I would.

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And it really helps. It's a great way to support the show while also looking good. You know, our sponsors are happy. That means we're happy and we get, you know, more money to be able to do cool stuff. So we really appreciate everyone checking them out at least. And if you like what you see, yeah, feel free to buy something. Why not? Thanks so much and enjoy the episode, everybody.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Thanks so much and enjoy the episode, everybody. to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

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trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you. trial enjoy thank you squarespace send a dirty text to someone i kill the darkness door cause i'm down i went to marry man off on the bus i try to kill myself in a starbucks i eat noodles alone at my desk every lunch. If I am confused and YouTube just won't do, I could write an email to you or a voice message to you. Wow.

Hello. Wow. Hello. Hello. Hello, Haley. That was Haley Cowan with some sort of amazing intro song for us. Just give me a couple months and we're going to make her Haley Hurwitz. I think I just fell in love with her. I can't believe you would make her change her last name.

I think she'd want to. You chauvinistic pig. You sexist prick. I'll change my last name to Cowan then. How's that, Haley? And if you're as pretty as you sound, if you're as beautiful as I've just invented in my mind. How unattractive can someone who can make that song up be? Right. Like your voice is angelic.

So just by, I think, I think you're're an angel i've never heard of love at first sight well this is love at first i don't know sound the other sense and uh you're i feel like hayley is the name of a girl that you would you could fall in love with just based on the name yeah based on the name alone is it spelled with a y yep h-a-y-Y-L-E-Y. Okay, yeah. Will you marry me? Is this crazy? Oh my God. Is this crazy? Yes, it is, but fuck.

Fucking crazy is not what we're going for, right, Hayley? Hayley's married with three kids. No. Shit. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Unless, are you hosting only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Unless, are you hosting another advice podcast on the side?

You're so insecure. What? Holy shit, you're insecure. Yesterday you didn't want to record. You said you were doing something. Oh my god. And you jumped to the conclusion that I was hosting another advice podcast? And yet you still haven't answered the question.

I am. I absolutely am. How did you know? And even if I were, answered the question. I am. I absolutely am. How did you know? And even if I were, that'd be fine. Ass. You don't own me. This is episode 15. Can you imagine?

Started from the bottom and now we're here. Yeah, you know, when we first started this, I never thought we'd get to episode 15. Really? I did. Really? Yeah, 15's like not even that much. No, I just, I was sure. What'd you think would happen?

I wasn't sure we were even going to release the first episode. Oh, you thought we would record it and never release it? I thought we'd record it, listen to it, be like, that was fucking embarrassing. Let's erase this from ever happening. Is that a shower curtain that you've hung up? Yeah. I just want to tell you guys, we record this in Amir's apartment. And I walked in. Why don't you tell everyone what i walked into today well if you've listened to the last couple episodes we couldn't record them

here we record them in a very cavernous place and i would the echo we recorded them in a cave yeah so this time i wanted to do things right i googled how to reduce echo in a room, and they said to turn flat, bouncy surfaces like walls into soft, you know, sound-absorbent surfaces. So as you enter the apartment, you'll notice what? There are... Amir has put his shower rod in between a large window in the living room and draped a blanket over it it looks like you've hung a flannel shirt over a painting over there uh there's a towel over the tv a towel over

the door basically anywhere anywhere amir can hang a towel or a blanket you have uh it looks insane but you know what? It's going to sound good. I love it. You were like, the last episodes being echoey was like your biggest nightmare. You lost sleep over it. Yes. I like would read tweets that said like, damn that echo. And it would just like make me sweat.

Wow. I hate it. I hate it so much. You hate echo. But I'm glad people still listened and enjoyed it. Actually, our last two episodes were our two most listened to episodes ever. Wow. Despite the echo. Yeah. Or maybe because of the echo. Maybe we were doing something right. I'm glad people still listened and enjoyed it. Actually, our last two episodes were our two most listened to episodes ever. Wow, despite the echo.

Yeah. Or maybe because of the echo. Maybe we were doing something right. Ah, ah, ah, right, right, right, right, right. So thanks, everyone, for listening. If this is your first episode, this is how it goes down. People are in difficult places, sticky situations, and they email us for help. They email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com. And we do our best to, well,

we do go through every single email and we, you know, do our best to try to answer the ones that we think will yield the funniest results. Would you say that's accurate? Uh, yeah. Sorry. I've been just staring at the blanket on the window, but yeah, essentially that is true. I look like I got like everything wet and now I'm trying to try. That's what I thought when I walked in. I was like, is this what he usually does when he does? I guess I've never come over when you were doing laundry. I dry every towel. I was going to say, you shouldn't dry the towel on the TV.

Actually, I walked in and I touched it, and I was like, I guess it's pretty dry. That's fine. It's bone dry as of now. If I had my druthers, and one day I will, I'm going to live in an entire carpeted apartment or just inhabit some sort of studio space that I can live in. Just completely sound-absorbent, non-echoey, cold recording studio. That's the dream, to start recording this in a recording studio. But then we're going to remember these.

You know, it hasn't been the same since we left the apartment, man. Remember episode 15, that energy? Can't recapture that. Can't recapture that energy. That's you talking to my tombstone when I die in episode 17. So anyway, that's my other advice podcast. Sorry about starting without telling you,

but you were dead. Yeah, so let's jump right into things. And as always, we're going to preserve your anonymity by giving every email a fake name. So let's start with this one. We'll call him Danny. Danny. Danny.

Fake name. Real email. Writes, my GF started being really clingy and annoying after her dad died in a car accident. So I broke up with her. But now she's telling everyone that I'm a dick. How do I stop these annoying rumors from spreading? Oh, man. Your life's really hard. Yeah, because now there's rumors that are annoying and how do you even deal

with that? Yeah, do you talk to your living father about it maybe? Oh my god. This is probably the least self-aware. I wish I could give away the email because it's so dumb. But I'm trying to think of an equivalent stupid email. I guess I'll say the email is equivalent to fatblunt6969, right? Yeah, I would say that. Wait, is it a Gmail?

Yeah, it's a Gmail. Interesting. You would think that somebody that had that bad of an email would be like Yahoo or Hotmail. He's not that terrible. The way to stop these annoying rumors from spreading is to stop being an awful person. Just by your email, you're probably the most horrible person that I've never met. Yeah. You know, well, fuck, yeah.

I don't know what to say other than you're an asshole. What do you think? You should not have broken up with your girlfriend? Yeah. You think you should have stayed? I think there's like a period where you have to, you know, if she's your girlfriend, you sort of have to deal with the quote unquote clingy and annoying phase. Which is probably just her seeking solace in her boyfriend. And, you know, you can't really break up with someone right after that tragic thing happens

i'd like to know the timeline that's what i need like did you do it day of so you're like were you doing it was he like i'm gonna break up with her today's the day and then she like calls i was like my dad's dead like oh fuck now i'm like but like i'm already committed like i'm sorry i was seriously mid-sentence i think we should see my dad's dead. Other what? People. Shit. Shit. Don't be clingy. Don't be annoying. Don't tell people that I'm a dick. Yeah, Jesus.

You know what? I think there's two options. One, don't be a dick. Stay by her side until she's made a sort of recovery of sorts. Or two, accept the fact that you're a dick. Yeah. Why do you want to prevent these annoying rumors? These aren't even rumors. It's true. you're a dick. Yeah. Why do you want to prevent these annoying rumors? These aren't even rumors.

It's true. It's a fact. She's telling people that you broke up with her after her dad died, and that's actually what happened. You might be a dick. But you know what? A lot of people are dicks sometimes. I'm not saying you're always a dick.

That was kind of a dick move. People make dick moves, and hopefully with the rest of your life, you can just dedicate the rest of your life to not making more dick moves and then you're not a dick so if you treat this as like a turning point in your life you're like oh my god I can't believe how big of a dick I used to be you can still save face you know during the next generation of your life like if this is high school and you're going to college or this is college and you're going to whatever you're going to after college I assume

I mean I want you to be dead but like if you end up getting a job oh my god awful you said it you said it first you said i want you to be dead i took the next logical step that's not fair dude don't make me feel like a dick like this guy start the annoying rumors from spreading fuck that all right let's move on to something less severe and intense uh this one comes from aunt becky oh aunt becky fake name real email hey guys my name is aunt becky i've been dating this guy for a little over a year we are both 20 in college and have broken up twice but gotten back together he has trust issues and doesn't want me hanging out with any of my guy friends because he thinks guys are too flirty. He doesn't talk or hang out with any girls,

so I kind of feel obligated to have equality in the relationship. Is it right to give up talking or to hang out with my male friends in order to earn his trust? Have either of you guys asked a girlfriend of yours to stop talking to multiple guy friends of hers? Hope to hear an answer from you soon thanks becky really interesting question but the relationship sounds stable they've been together a year and they've only broken up twice that's uh below average i'd say so that's 12 months with uh two breakups yeah all right not too bad so that's what every six months you guys break up or something yeah maybe you're like at

month four and eight they've broken up and they're doing for another one So that's what, every six months you guys break up or something? Yeah, maybe we're like at month four and eight, they've broken up and they're due for another one. Cool, that's fair. So it sounds like it's worth fighting for. It's worth saving. Especially if you guys have been together a whole, yeah, I mean, 365 days. And I don't know how many of those days you've spent broken up. Well, the problem is it's hard to count the days

because she's not allowed to speak or see her friends. Right, that's true. So it's like, how does she quantify days? So your other question was, have we ever asked a girlfriend of ours to stop seeing or hanging out with multiple guy friends? And the answer is no, because we're not insane. Yeah. This girl is 20. She doesn't realize that her boyfriend, maybe her first boyfriend, is asking something that's terrible.

Right. I think a lot of the times people in their first relationships don't really, you don't really know what's normal in a relationship until you've been in several. Right. And then like sometimes two relationships down the line, you'll be like, oh, that girl I dated two years ago was insane. Yeah. I didn't realize she was emotionally abusive until I found someone who was normal and let me spoke to my guy friends. It's not normal that this guy isn't speaking with any, like, and what do you mean earn his trust? Have you done anything to break his trust? Yeah, she had a, she's, her guy friend

called her yesterday. She picked up just to tell him that she couldn't talk to him. I think, but that was technically talking to a guy friend. Jesus Christ. Default should be trust. Unless you've like, unless you've cheated on him every single time you guys have been breaking up, in which case, you know what? He shouldn't be going out with you. Yeah. I can't. This is so weird. Like, to make a rule where you can't speak to someone of the opposite sex.

But I've heard of that before. So have I. But think about it. Don't put that picture on Facebook. Like, my girlfriend doesn't want me to be in a photo with other girls. Or can you not talk to me in public because my boyfriend doesn't want to see me speaking to other girls? Yeah, that's crazy.

Think about, like, I can almost understand, like, how in the moment it's like oh yeah i don't want to like i'd rather not have this fight like my boyfriend so like let's just not even talk because it's not pleasant but think about the rest of your life like not just you're being 20 for the rest of your life if you stay with this guy he will not want you to talk to people. Is that a normal thing when you're 25, 28, when you're turning 30, when you guys are like have kids and you're taking them to preschool? Oh, my God. Can you imagine if she has a boy? Like she can't even speak to her own son.

Are you not allowed to raise your son? Are you talking to Bobby? Are your dictator husbands rules? Don't talk to that son, all right? I'm afraid you guys will hook up. Hey, okay. Actually, Bobby has sort of a parent-teacher conference today Yeah, well, are any of the teachers men? Because I don't understand how you're going to converse with them

You know the rule You shouldn't even be talking to our goddamn child, honestly Why did you leave the dungeon that I'm keeping you in? And please do not breastfeed our son For the love of God god nobody's sucking on those Tees but me Hey little Randy just got to sloppy second base with my wife How's that fair

Randy's a six month old baby you ass And I saw him get a tiny little boner on it I saw the world's tiniest boner When he was suckling on your teats And don't think six months ago when Randy was coming out of your vagina I didn't see him fucking smiling about it. Practically ate out my goddamn wife right in front of me

while I was videotaping the thing. How do you think that makes me feel? What if you have a girl? She's like, oh, great. My wife's a lesbian now. Breastfeeding our daughter. That's how it works. Every conversation is two people making love.

Where does it end, Becky? Where does it end? I'll tell you where it ends. Right now. Yeah. Tell your boyfriend that you don't want to be with him. Say, all right, here's a new rule. Here's my new rule.

I can speak to whoever I want. And if you don't agree with that, then let's break up. And then he'll be either like, all right, fine, let's break up, which is great because this guy sounds like a real asshole. Or he'll be like, no, no, no, no, okay, you can talk to other people. Then you'll be talking to other people and he'll secretly be hating it the entire time so my advice is to straight up break up hold up break up that's what's up can that be my new catchphrase straight up break up that's what's up what happened to yo do you yo do you hashtag dope straight up break up that's what's up that's my song straight up break up that's what's up that's my song straight up break

up that's what's up i don't have a second verse yet because i just came up with the first but like i'm just glad i hung all these towels around so that this the song uh is at least recorded well because the way it deserves to do yeah if there was too echoey in here that you would have lost that well the real the real recorded version will probably have a lot of echo straight up straight up break up that's what's up isn't that like a tlc song straight up break up hold up mr lover like prince said you're a sexy mother am i a hack or maybe maybe it's straight up wait up i hope it's straight up wait up which sounds better than straight up break up well hey all right so aunt becky straight up break up that's what's up. We don't like this guy. He's not good.

He's not good for you. I really don't think. And we know you. Yeah. Just based on your email, we know enough to tell you that. She's a serial cheater that can't be around men. No. Nymphomaniac.

All right. Let's move on to the next email. We went from Aunt Becky to Uncle Jesse. Wow. Uncle Jesse writes my i think my next door neighbor wants to hook up with me is that a good idea or a bad idea short and sweet right to the point i like uncle jesse already i think my next door let's uh wait let's let's just answer the exact same uh let's answer on three what each of us think would all right because

i think i have a theory on what you're gonna say so you're saying oh it's just a yes or no answer should i yeah or a good idea or bad idea okay one two three bad idea oh yeah i knew it i knew we weren't gonna see eye to eye on this shit you think it's a good idea i think it's a great idea it's a terrible idea why why is it because imagine every girl that you hooked up with and then stopped hooking up with and then having to see that person live across from your hall for the rest of the time that you're in that apartment that's not something you want you want space you want distance you don't want to keep your home life conversely conversely imagine just like oh i'm tired i won't i don't want to go out

but like oh shit i could just knock on a door and have somebody to hang out with to cuddle to sleep with that sounds pretty ideal to me so you're okay this is exactly our our big discrepancy in life i'm thinking of the long-term ramifications and you're thinking of while you're hooking up how great it is yeah you're living in the moment living in the the moment. Why don't you fast forward? Fast forward? Yeah. Having sex with one of my other neighbors. Problem solved.

You don't think there's any negative ramifications? I don't know. Well, yeah, definitely there are. But shit, it's going to be a fun ride while it's happening. That's your other... You ride roller coasters and sometimes you feel sick afterwards don't you but hey don't you like going upside down don't you like feeling the wind against your face i know i do it's funny because i don't like roller coasters for that exact reason

the wind against your face more than anything else i hate the wind amir hates the moment too yeah i can't enjoy the moment because i know what the next three hours will be like. Wow. What a glorious little prison you live in. I look around and it's towel covered. My brain won't let me enjoy things because it knows that I will suffer for it at a later hour. Interesting. My brain won't let me protect myself against long-term ramifications because, well, my penis is the boss of me.

It's sort of the little admiral more than anything else. Like a Napoleon sort of in charge of the entire army. Well, I resent you calling it little, but yeah. Essentially, I understand, you know, next to the rest of my body i imagine is what you're saying no i'm saying i'm saying it's an actual i'm saying you have a micropenis a little guy a little little peen peen a pretty much inverted peen that uh somehow controls you from the inside like uh who's that uh boss on ninja turtles the brain inside of the body yeah krang my penis is my krang yeah your penis is my Krang. Yeah, your penis

is your Krang. My penis is the boss and my phone is its little minion. You're still gonna plan on getting rid of your phone? Well, I need to because I think I need to chop the head off my dick. I ain't chopping the head off my dick. I think my penis

tells my phone what to do. Yeah. Like this little fucking I'm holding up my phone what to do yeah like this little fucking i'm holding up my phone right yeah that little this little deck of cards that little three inch by one inch plastic disc this glass temptress your penis controls the phone my penis controls the phone so my penis controls me so you're gonna instead of cut off your dick, cut off your phone. Yeah, that's my last resort. And that's going to... I think force me to be a better person.

I hope. But can you live without Snapchat, Instagram, Tinder, Facebook, Twitter, email, text messages? I'll still have email on my computer. Yeah. What else do I need? Text. No, text. Text, kill me, man. i should not have text i shouldn't

be allowed to text you can't you think you're i guess you have a level of being self-aware that you're cutting yourself off without like being able to have the actual willpower not to text i have no willpower and i think the strongest thing i've ever done is recognize that and that's i know that's a sad statement. I'm aware everybody that's shedding a tear for me in their car or at work or on the subway right now. Suck it back into your eye hole. I'm completely aware. Yeah. I'm too, I am, I give into temptation. I know no boundaries. I need to, so like my sober thoughts, my like morning time thoughts are just like get rid of your phone. Have you ever thought about therapy?

We talked about hypnotism. Yeah, hypnotherapy. Our friend who was addicted to cigarettes got hypnotized and hasn't smoked in almost two months now. Yeah. Which is pretty crazy. The hypnotherapist was able to like access parts of her brain that she's unable to otherwise. Right. Maybe that's what you're talking about, like a hard rewiring deeper in that's what i need so you're like you're like you're patching you're patching like a a hole on a surface where like

maybe the hypnotherapist can get in and like completely recalibrate your wall that would be great but my first question when uh we talked about me getting hypnotized because i said i didn't want to pay for it but you said you you would pay $200 for me to be hypnotized. Yeah. And I asked my friend if the hypnotist was hot. And she said she was a stone cold stunner. She did say she was really cute. Yeah, which made you want to go even more.

Yeah, like what the fuck? It's already failing you. Right? Where were we? I think we were going on to the next question. Oh, no. Oh, no. We were still on this question.

Which is what? Should Jesse hook up with his neighbor? I say yes. You say no. Oh, yeah. I say yes. Oh, yeah. I say no.

Jake says yes. Hopefully the answer, I guess. I don't know. What do you guys think? Why don't you email us in and let us know your opinion? I mean, I feel like it's too sticky of a situation to get involved in. I think he's even asking than he already has. Oh, interesting.

He just wanted that. Like, that's something I would do. You would never be like, oh, dude, my neighbor is, like, really hot. She wants to hook up with me. Should I do it? You would just know that you shouldn't. Right. And me, I would say, should I do it?

Meanwhile, I probably already have. So, Uncle Jesse, if you are listening, and I know you are listening, please let us know if you have yet. And when you break up or things fall apart, I want you to call in and let us know how miserable your life is so that I can laugh at you. I know people that have married their neighbors. I can just fucking get off the how dumb, how stupid,

how short-sighted this entire thing was. Why don't you let us know how good the sex was? Let us know how good the sex was. Let us know how awesome it was coming home drunk after striking out at a bar, knocking on your neighbor's door, and being able to fuck someone. Let us know how good that felt. You're squeezing my

thigh. I'm trying to fuck you. I think I just Snapchatted you. I'm sorry for yelling at you, Jesse. You didn't deserve that. I was projecting. All right, all right, all right. Let's go on to the next question. Oh, this one's sort of in the same theme of trust.

Oh, good. This is our trust episode. Yeah, our trust episode. This one comes from Uncle Joey. If we say trust a couple more times, we can call this episode trust. This is our trust episode. Yeah, our trust episode. This one comes from Uncle Joey. If we say trust a couple more times, we can call this episode trust. Okay, I'll think about it. Trust.

Hey, big fan, but I was wondering. Just started a relationship and I'm pretty paranoid about cheaters, so I was wondering if you guys can give me some tips on what to recognize and make sure I can catch them in the act. Also, should I be ever vigilant? I'm all for trusting them. Did he use air quotes? No, that was me. I'm all for trusting them.

But I'd rather have reassurance on my own trusting. Because I'm not too sure if anyone can really trust anyone. Especially themselves. But especially their spouses. Holy shit. Never be in a relationship. I'm not sure if anyone can really trust anyone, especially themselves, but especially their spouses.

I mean, bad grammar. Right off the bat. And aside from bad grammar, bad attitude to have about relationships. Holy shit. No one can trust anyone? Especially themselves. Should I be ever vigilant? It sounds like no matter what we say, you are. Also, your biggest desire is to catch someone in the act?

How do I recognize a cheater so I can catch them in the act? You fucking coward like what sort of like weird like anti-semitic or racist things do you want us to say like how do you recognize a cheater by their like sloped brows some sort of like physical appearance things that we can tell you about cheaters love strawberry milkshake take her out to dessert okay uh how do you recognize how do you recognize a cheater i don't you don't i think uh i would have you heard the thing like once a cheater always a cheater yeah would you agree with that um i don't know no i don't think so so you think you can cheat on someone and then later on you can just not cheat i think so okay you disagree no i guess that's true i guess but i feel like once a cheater

the odds of you cheating are much higher right i guess people are more predisposed to doing it but i do think you can like like if you if you lined up 10 guys and five of them have cheated before and five of them haven't i would would put money on if in all of their next relationships, the five that have cheated before would probably be more likely to cheat than the five that have not. I agree. But I also think that of the five that have cheated, if they've learned something from it or if they've grown from it in some way, maybe they can be people that don't do it in the future yes maybe so but how should i recognize and capture back to the point and and where do you get those little plastic handcuffs so i can

make a citizen's arrest on my on my unfaithful freaking girlfriend i'd love to put a glue trap over my girlfriend's vagina and catch a cheater in the goddamn act can i fuck her with a chinese finger trap that way i'll know i'll know the next person that gets stuck inside that was a goddamn cheater you are i think you are not ready for a relationship maybe he's a cheater he's the guy from he's the boyfriend of the last girlfriend he's like i can't i don't want her to they're both contacting us both of you guys break up i I feel like you need to learn to trust yourself first. If you think you're physically incapable of cheating or if you think you're great at resisting temptation, then I think you just have to find someone with your same core values.

But Jesus, don't be some kind of psycho who is hell-bent on catching a cheater. He also says, I'm all for trusting them, but I'd rather have reassurance. So you're not all for trusting them. All for trusting is not having reassurance. It's about not being nervous every time your boyfriend or girlfriend goes out or goes to work. You definitely missed the point of having a nice, healthy relationship. Would you say it's built on trust? I think among other things, but yeah, you can't break trust, right?

Yeah, there's like a self-fulfilling prophecy because, I don't even know if that's the correct term, but you're always looking for the most attractive person to be with, and then when you find a really attractive person, you're just paranoid that other people are trying to hook up with them. Yeah, it's true. So it's it's like okay what's the other option finding someone who's not going to get hit on every time they go to somewhere well i think the weakest thing you can do in a relationship is like try to try to like is to be jealous to like yeah try to keep your girlfriend from the real world or something or keep your boyfriend from the real world because then that like insecurity

in your mind goes into theirs yeah oh well my boyfriend's uh sort of an insecure piece of shit look at that guy he's confident right and then yeah then you then cheating all of a sudden seems really appealing when you're obsessed you're obsessed with like your girlfriend cheating on you yeah i sort of hate when like people are very jealous or like you know like this guy non-trustworthy because it's basically taking their insecurities and their like shortcomings and projecting it onto your yeah and then it's like it only affects you so it's like i'm sort of an asshole who doesn't know how to trust people so you have to change your life to be with me right no why don't you become an asshole too yeah exactly why don't you have to become the the

asshole prick that i am because otherwise we won't get along and i'm not gonna change i've been there i've been like nervous that my, that a girlfriend was cheating before. I've been like jealous of another guy, but I think what you're supposed to do. And I've also fucked this up, but you have to just trust the other person. And then that person sort of rises to the occasion to be trustworthy.

Right. Or if they don't, then the relationship wasn't built to last anyway. There you go. So you just basically every day is a test. And if your girlfriend fails, then you realize that you shouldn't have trusted her to begin with. There you go.

But there's no rules or walls you can set up to prevent. It's not like you're going to get married to someone. It's like, oh, thank God I invented all those rules. Otherwise, she would have hooked up with me. Now we can get married. Phew. Can you imagine if I didn't set up these emotional walls that she couldn't punch through?

Thank God I created all the boundaries. Thank God she adhered to all of my rules. Now we can live together forever in a resentful, terrible marriage. I also hate the idea that when your girlfriend or boyfriend cheats on you and you get mad at the other person rather than at your boyfriend or girlfriend. You think that... I think your anger should lie with your significant other, not with the other person rather than at your boyfriend or girlfriend you think that i think your anger should lie with your significant other not with the other person like the other person may or may not have even known or been involved in the relationship right there's there's a person who's like who's more accountable and it's the person who's been in the relationship for all that time

yeah exactly but like a lot of guys are like dude if i ever find the guy that my girlfriend cheated on me with i'm gonna bash his brains in like why him why aren't you mad at your girlfriend yeah so you're advocating that they should bash their girlfriend's brains in right no i just well no it just oh we are out of time wow you're sure we're out of time clarify it newspaper spinning towards the center blumenfeld advocates bashing girlfriend's brains in yeah don't bash anyone's brains in but i think it's true there's like uh there's you can sort of like spread the blame around and sometimes it's on you sometimes it's on the person that that maybe created some kind of bad environment that your girlfriend wanted to escape. Exactly right. Yeah. I don't know how else to say it. Trust.

Trust. Let's see how much time we have. All right. We're almost actually out of time, but let's try to get through one more question. Let's do it. We never took that little break that you like to take. I really do like my breathers.

Let's see it now. Nice 10-minute one. 10-minute breather at the 30-minute mark. My 10-minute breather. I need some time to decompress. Jesus. Yeah. I mean, there was a lot of heavy shit in there.

It was like dad dying. Yeah, yeah. Cheating spouses. If you want, you can grab a towel off the wall and just sort of dabble your forehead with it. It would kill me if I pulled one of these towels off the wall. Yeah. If I just exposed this hard surface of the TV for my voice to bounce off of, it would end me. It really would end me.

I know how to get your goat. The email, again, if you do find yourself in a sticky situation like Aunt Becky, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey. Yeah, and you're ready to be torn apart and made fun of. Is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We also mean, Jake, have a Facebook page, facebook.com slash Jake and Amir, that we post a lot of stuff if I were you show related on. We also have a YouTube channel. We're going to try to upload more YouTube

video versions of the podcast. Yes. So if you search If I Were You Show on YouTube, you can watch us, you can watch a full episode that we videotaped. What's the better way to say videotaped? Filmed. Yeah, we filmed.

We filmed and uploaded it. Because filmed makes it sound so pretentious. We filmed it. Yeah. So we filmed this episode. This motion picture. But videotape is more accurate to what we did. It's just not videotape.

But it was the equivalent of just taking my dad's camera and asking my friend to operate it. Yeah. That's what we thought about our camera operators, that they were dealing with our parents' equipment. You know what I was thinking of is you think it would be a good idea or a bad idea to post just an audio version of every episode to YouTube. Interesting. That way people can listen to it on YouTube. More people will find it that way. Yeah.

You know, I listen to albums on YouTube. i listen to songs on youtube all the time and then you get in and it doesn't it's not like a video experience yeah i don't want to watch a music video i just want to press play it's like an album cover we should totally do that so maybe like starting next week i'll just upload episode one i'll make sure they're old episodes so that you know we're still getting our plays online on itunes you can listen to it on itunes or if i were you show.com but uh that way you know at least more people will find out about the show are we not answering a question anymore no yeah we're just talking about podcast strategy more than anything else like a conversation we would be having off like when the camera when the when the mics are off doesn't it doesn't it seem like this was us walking to the subway? You wanted the goddamn break.

Here it is. You loser. How dare you call me out? I gave you your break and had a nice conversation and then you ridiculed me. Now I know what these emailers feel like. I spent 45 minutes hanging towels around my apartment and the first thing you did was publicly shame me. I went to bed bath and fucking beyond this morning at 8 a.m bought nine thousand blanket that was from beyond that's from bed that's from bath that one's from beyond that flannel shirt over there that's from and if you can imagine that was actually from 20 jeans who's our sponsor today oh shit so it's like

yeah it's a good it's a nice plug um oh god all right it's really hot in here we can't we can't even put on the air conditioning because that's like another thing that adjusts sound or just compromises sound quality this is all scribbled in a weird algorithm on amir's wall he didn't be on a towel right now but he was in here last night with his sharpie writing on the ceiling, writing on the floor. Hey, someone's got to be the audio engineer. And actually, it's going to be me. From now on.

I promise. I'll study up. Take these towels off. Opening a Snapchat. I'm going to study audio. I really am. I'm going to better myself. Oh, shit.

Titties. Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. Tinder. All right, let's get to the last question so this one comes from god what's another guy on full house is that is that who we've been doing steve oh yeah steve aka aladdin writes i've been with this girl for two years and since we moved in together last year, she's caught me masturbating a couple times. She's been getting upset because she'd rather have sex

or go down on me than know that I'm masturbating in the other room. She's even offered to go down on me while I watch porn, which would be fine, but then I can't watch the really good stuff without her commenting on my choice. Interracial, BBC, Asian girls. However, sometimes I just need me time, and I don't want her help when I'm trying to do me.

How can I ask her politely to let me masturbate in peace? Isn't that an amazing question? It's so complex. I don't even know if we can... I feel like I have five different answers. Yeah. Trying to shoehorn this in as the last question Is the biggest mistake we've ever made on this podcast

And I'm talking about the echoey episode This is worse than that Recording in a cavernous apartment I think this is worse Wait, really quick We could spend an entire 30 minutes talking about this Now I'm sort of tempted to But let's try to not

Well, we can talk about it for as long as it'll take but um can you explain this to me as a porn aficionado how dare you my mother listens to this bbc you know i thought about that and i at first i thought uh he was talking about bbw which is big beautiful women uh-huh and i bbc might be big black chicks but i can't like i think it also could be a typo how close is c to w on the keyboard far yeah maybe maybe he just was typing bbw and he's like oh bbc because like everyone knows bbc is another i don't know would it be big black cocks big black cocks maybe like we can search it right now. That's another funny search result. Your search history. BBC.

Yeah, all right, cool. That aside, this guy. So take us through your emotions as you read this question. One, it's like, oh. Everyone masturbates. Your girlfriend should not be upset. I'm surprised that she's caught you multiple times. I think that's a little cray.

And then on the flip side of that, you shouldn't be like masturbating in another room while your girlfriend's home. And I don't think you can say, DJ, that's Steve's girlfriend. I don't think you can say, DJ, I'm going to go into the bedroom and masturbate. Please don't come in.

Because then, of course, there's some sort of emotional conflict there. But then on the flip side of that, she's offering to go down on him. Right. While he watches porn. Which, like, the animal version of ourselves, like, dude, you got to do that. Are you kidding me? That sounds really hot. Getting a BJ.

I don't think that is hot. For me, you keep porn and girlfriends separate. Like, I would never want my girlfriends knowing what porn I watch because the shit that I watch isn't stuff I would want in bed with someone I love. So you're saying, is there also like a level of, I masturbate because I know what I like the best. There's no blowjob better than me masturbating. Masturbating is like inherently a little debaucherous, a little shameful, a little

guilty. And I don't think it's something you want your girlfriend involved in. You want to hide it from her. But at the same time, you... I don't know. Your brain is melting. Fuck, I'm breaking. I don't think you can ask her permission to masturbate. I think you

have to do it. You live with someone now, so do it when she's not home. Do it when you're in the shower. Find time. Keep it secret. How do you watch porn? That's how everyone does it. You don't get this? Everyone masturbates. Everyone watches porn. You don't have to tell your girlfriend you're doing it. This guy is probably in one of those broken trust relationships where she's like, if you're going into the other room, are you texting someone? What are you doing? Like, no, I'm just trying to jerk off. But why would he do that when she's home?

Why can't he do that else time? Else time. Yeah, else time. Yeah, I think that's what I'm saying. That's my advice. Do it when she's not at home. But you can't watch porn in the shower. You can on your phone.

Yeah, you sure can. You have Wi-Fi. You have a strong Wi-Fi. You have an iPhone. So you run the shower. You keep your phone. Out of the shower. Well, I mean, if she like really never leaves the house, then I guess, unfortunately, your masturbation time is going to be very, very short and secretive.

So do it in the shower. Run the cold water so you're not wasting the hot water. It's a little shameful that you're wasting water, but you're going to connect to the Wi-Fi. Maybe go in there, watch some videos, get yourself up, get yourself excited. Then when it's time, turn on the shower. You're going to masturbate. Five-Fi. Maybe go in there, watch some videos, get yourself up, get yourself excited. Then when it's time, turn on the shower. You're going to masturbate. Five minutes tops, bud.

I'm sorry. Get it out. Hop in the shower. Erase your history. Get out. Pretend like nothing happened. If your girlfriend offered to go down on you while you watched porn, would you be like pumping your fist?

Yes. Or would you be like, I don't want that. I don't want that at all. That's like the least hot thing in the world to me. Interesting. A girl going down on you while you watch porn is the least hot thing yeah because you keep those two things separately completely separate which one would you say feels better just like on a complete physical level not like an emotional level like obviously maybe blowjob feels better because you're with someone else and that's like exciting but what would you say you say you're so good at masturbating yourself that you think it's better than any blowjob

I'm such a pro. Yeah. God, I really think my mom does listen to this. Mom, turn, pause it. Turn it off. Turn it to side two. You send her cassettes. And that's the podcast.

Remember that email is ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. That's right. Anyway, so yeah, I think they both feel really good in their own way. And I think blowjobs are, even when they're not inextricably linked to emotion, like if it were a blowjob from a stranger, I think blowjobs always feel better. Masturbating is a little more, fuck, I don't know. They're both so good. Don't make me choose.

It's like a Sophie's Choice. Yeah, it's like telling, it's cheese or bacon, you know? Fuck, I don't know. We're back to cheeseburgers and salads. So our final advice for this guy is do it when your girlfriend's not around. Yeah, she's never going to be okay with it, but you're also never going to stop masturbating. So just hide it.

Hide it. Hide it. Don't fight it. Shit, is this a... Hide it. Don't fight it. When you look at yourself, just confide it. Confide in me.

It's a conspiracy. Why can't you see? Oh, say can you see? Don't blow me. Now we're definitely actually out of time. We try to keep these to 30 minutes or less. Sometimes we go over, hey, it's going to happen. What are we at right now?

Honestly, this new recording device that I use doesn't calibrate time, but I'm guessing 40, 35 to 40 minutes. Longest episode ever? It's up there. Wow. The Alison Williams episode was very long, too. Anyway, that's our time. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. If you didn't know, we do have a website, ifireuseshow.com.

You can listen to all the episodes, or you can also go to seesthecheese.com. Yep. And pretty soon, you're going to be able to watch it on youtube listen to it on youtube yeah yeah we're going to start uploading those to youtube as well we also have t-shirts swag if you will oh hashtag swag which are you can go to our website if i were you show.com and there's links there to the shirts if you want to that's like another way to support the podcast but like yeah just listening to it and spreading the word and all your positive tweets and emails and Facebook messages. They really they really make us feel like, I don't know, like, yeah, like we're doing a real hero's job.

Then I guess actually you should stop because I don't want it to go to your head that much. I really feel like a doctor or a teacher or some shit like my cousin was actually was actually in malawi uh helping a lot of like these orphans uh sort of like get better planting gardens or whatever but i feel and for a minute i felt like oh i should do something too and then i read a tweet that said if i were you show is so funny and i said you know what fuck you cousin i'm better than you i think he's saving two to five lives a day we're reaching tens of thousands like it's really before didn't you advocate against someone bashing their girlfriend's head in oh the proof is in the pudding wait no that's not what that means. Never mind. Thank you so much for listening to the show.

And we're going to end it with another theme song. Oh, right. Theme songs. You can submit your own, like Haley did at the beginning when Jake proposed to her. Yeah, I would love to hear back on you. Back from you on that, by the way. We're also going to play one at the end of the episode. And this one's from our boy, Harris Carlin.

Harris, you the man, dude. You the man, dude. Enjoy. also going to play one at the end of the episode and this one's from our boy harris carlin harris you're the man dude enjoy and we'll be back next week and every monday for the rest of time wow later Bye.