Segments - 150: Prom

Episode Date: April 27, 2015

In this episode we discuss weddings, anniversaries, and high school dances. This episode is brought to you by DollarShaveClub.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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you. Please enjoy this episode number 150. Can you believe it? Where does the time go? We had a lot of fun recording this one. Let's get started. Things got real. Bye. Gotta quit this chronic masturbation. Ooh, this is an SOS. I need a second guess. These OBCs that cheat. Ooh, email it to you or to us. What's our world worth to? I'd be a fly where you are cast. What if they put me on a Monday pass?

What they'll pay instead? And that's advice I'll never get. Advice I'll never get. Advice I'll never get. Pop punk, the way to my heart. Holy shit. That was a legit song. That was legit.

It was written by two coy fans from Belgium by the names of marnix and nathaniel and uh they're in a death metal band called winter blind wow if you want to search them on facebook bandcamp or soundcloud winter blind and they went softcore for our theme song yeah they don't want to go super hardcore there i think they should do it let's try it try a death metal one that'd be fun uh winter blind is a great name for a band. Yeah. Easy to say, easy to spell, easy to pronounce. Two words you know.

Yeah. Winter and blar. Blar. Oh, no. Blar. He's having a stroke. Blar. So thanks, guys, all the way from Belgium for writing a song.

It makes you wonder what other shitty countries are listening to our shit. Belgium? I actually am Belgian. Excuse me? I'm a waffle of myself. You are Belgian? I might be, actually. You just think that one of your great-grandparents are from

Belgium? I think you're not Belgian. Isn't it Flemish? I don't know enough about Belgium uh I'm just obviously I'm kidding about Belgium I was just I'm still sour by the the World Cup shit oh that that loss really hit close to home sour too about the world yeah you don't beat us at a sport no soccer otherwise Belgium Vincent company with a K? You're in bad company. Let me see, because that's how you spell it. With my left and my right fists.

You spell it with your fists? What I'm trying to say is that I'm mad about the soccer, and I'm going to punch someone about it. You're going to deck someone. I'm a hooligan, I think. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. I'm hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm a hooligan, I think. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. I'm hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. I almost called it the only advice podcast. 150 episodes without making that blunder and I couldn't go the distance. 150 episodes young, this podcast is today. We're going to do something special for it. What's that? We're going to make it like every other episode.'m serious that's the most special thing that's a good way to honor it yeah i think to my wife on our 10-year anniversary you know like let's baby let's just do it like any other day exactly

every day i was married to you was an anniversary exactly and. And that's why always a loving day. I really think for today's special night, this is what I want my special night to be. I want to hop on a seamless app and in a dark room as the sun is setting, we're illuminated by my iPhone and we're just debating which Thai dishes to order. And I'll be like, should I, do I always get you with tofu?

I always get it. tofu exactly and then finally you decide because you're each going to get the two dishes you want and split them half exactly and then since it's a little bit special occasion okay you can get like a curry puff or a spring roll that's nice and then you say you know what we're gonna watch we're gonna watch two episodes in a row of our favorite show instead of just one and then going to bed one and then dessert no we're gonna watch two episodes tonight we're gonna stay up late and then i want to sit on the floor and sort of scoot the the coffee table up to our chests oh that's nice and then after that i want you to sit on my face that's right i want your curry ass in my curry face oh like you after the

tai fu dinner you want her to sit on you yeah Yeah, I think after the Thai food dinner, I think we'll toss each other salads. Mango duck salad. And that'll be the 10-year anniversary. Yes. And it'll be special because it's like all the other special days. All the other days. Yeah. Every day.

I can't wait. I can't wait to tell that to my wife of 10 years. So how does this podcast work? We receive emails from people who are in difficult places in need of guidance. And since we're professional advice givers at this point... We're doctors now. We're both PhD licensed psychophysicians. PhD illegal. Yeah. What does that mean? That we say we're doctors and it's illegal. Oh, because we're not. Yeah. Uh-huh. We can't prescribe medicine.

We're not overqualified. We're actually very much so underqualified to be giving advice. We don't even count as a qualification. There's nothing. We are nothing. We are just us. We would let people know what we would do in their situation. Take the advice or leave it.

Honestly, we don't care. As long as it makes us cash at the end of the day. Cash is king and our listeners are peasants. Speaking of king, we are recording this from my master. This is not your master. This is still very much my master. You're sitting in what will soon be my master room.

No, this is... For the next two weeks, this room will be the domain of a master. And the master is talking right now. It is me. I am talking and I am the master. You're correct when you say that. Though you will not interrupt the master again, will you? I didn't think so.

I didn't want to speak when you were done. I did want to interrupt you. You had just finished your sentence. Just know that next time you talk, I will interrupt you as I don't believe. You don't interrupt the master. I'm interrupting you. I'm interrupting the master. I was done. I'm interrupting the master. I am the master.

Alright. I am. Because you didn't interrupt me. I'm interrupting you right now. I finished all my sentences before you start not this one i got it under the wire all right we need uh uh uh uh guy's name why don't we name we uh name everybody after a master? So this one's name is Jake Hurwitz, and that will be the only name. Well, we need four names then. I have four names. I have four names.

Jacob, Penn, Cooper, Hurwitz. And that's why I am the master. And you are a mere schmuel. You are a mere shmuel. You are a mere shmuel. Meaning? Meaning you are a plebeian. You are nothing, nada. You are a cicada.

You are a bug. You are a roach. You are a tick trying to burrow under my skin, but I squash you. You leech. All right. Fine. Fine. So, can I read this question or not?

Can I move into your room? I'm lonely over here. Heavy is the head that wears the master. All right. Jacob writes. These are real emails from real people giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Here we go. I'm a 23-year-old guy from the UK called Jacob, and I'm writing to you because I need your sage opinions.

So, about two weeks before Christmas of 2014, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years after sleeping with a girl from work, which she doesn't know. So the inevitable breakup happened, which I blamed completely on my GF saying she should have treated me better. And there were lots of tears and me asking her to leave my house because I was hungry. So the girl from work came back to visit her parents again. We went out and made out in a few clubs and ran into my ex who gave me 20 missed calls by the time I was balls deep in the work girl that night. Flash forward to the morning where I'm trying it on with the work girl, who is feeling guilty and just giving me blue balls when my ex shows up and wants to talk in my lounge while the work girl is sitting bolt upright in my bed like a startled meerkat.

Again, I asked my ex to leave because it was early, and miraculously, I got away with it again. Now, after things went pear-shaped with a girl from work, and after I had a few sessions with the ex that were followed by tears, I'm starting to think that I'm evil. I'm going to uni in September, and I don't know whether I should get back together with my ex, who is getting a nose job,

or just try to play the field. I recently made out with and had a sexting Snapchat session with my best friend's girlfriend of nine years who he broke up with a month ago. So here's my questions. Should I get back together with my ex who might go from a seven or eight to a nine or ten after this nose job? Is it against bro code to fuck my best friend's ex-fiance of nine years? Is it bad to tell the girl from work's boyfriend about us purely because I'm leaving and I don't want them to be happy? How am I getting away with all this shit? And how can I ensure that no matter who I fuck, that I'm dripping in bitches when I get to uni?

Thanks for your help. Love, Jacob. I take my name back from him. We could spend the entire podcast on this question. It's very interesting because he just keeps adding details as if he had mentioned them before. The work girl has a boyfriend? That came in at the last second. That was the third of five questions he had mentioned them before. Yeah, the work girl has a boyfriend? That came in at the last second.

Yeah, that was the third of five questions he asked at the end. That's huge. This is the most important question. How am I getting away with so much shit? Yeah, you shouldn't be. I think the answer to that question is that your mind is so warped,

it is a black lead box, that you don't even allow yourself to feel guilty or sad for any of these transgressions right but also like the the dangerous thing that you're thinking is like how am i getting away with this this is great you never you never all the way get away with it yeah it's not like you robbed a bank and like you this isn't a victimless crime all this stuff could still come out at any point. Also, your girlfriend is crying and mad at you. Yeah, so that's not necessarily...

So you're not getting away. You're just emotionally abusive. You haven't got away scot-free. Yeah, there is scot. You've left a wake, a disturbed... Disastrous. A rubble. In your path.

Yeah. And you think you got away with it because I guess you're fine. Yeah. But also but also like there is more things can go wrong here it's a house of cards and he thinks that it's like everything's hey man i gotta wait like a gentle gust of wind all of this comes crumbling down yeah he's like uh your best friend's beating the shit out of you the work girl's boyfriend's beating the shit out of you your ex-girlfriend reneges on the nose job and she's like you know what this one's fine right he's like he blew up a building and there's video footage of him he's like how did i get away and it's like you haven't

quite got away they know who you are yeah you're 100 under arrest and they're coming to get you so uh should i get back together with my ex? Of course not. But she might be a 10 after the nose job. Sounds like one of his other questions is, how do I make sure that I'm dripping in pussy when I get to uni? So you can't get back together with your ex and then also be dripping with pussy at uni. Well, you can if he's just cheating on his ex. He can cheat on, but you'll never be dripping if you're cheating. Oh, so when you're cheating, you don't. Really cheat on... But you'll never be dripping if you're cheating. Oh.

So when you're cheating, you don't... You never get fully wet. Really? I don't think you need to be dripping with it. So the best way to get a lot of poonanny is by not cheating. You have to be single. You can't just like... Because, I mean, let's face it.

One of the best parts of getting laid a lot is being able to talk about it with your friends. So you're saying you can't brag about it because he's cheating what's the fun of just like shamefully fucking girls and never and like hiding it from somebody all the time oh so it's kind of like a weird paradox like it'll be more fun if you're to be dripping with pussy like be a pimp i mean i don't think this guy deserves anything right's a bad. Yeah, I think he deserves to be struck by lightning. But here's a question for you based on your little statement earlier. Would you rather have sex with anybody you want and not be able to tell a soul or have sex with, let's say, one to two girls that you want and you can tell anybody in the world?

I'd rather have sex with anybody I want and not tell anyone. But I'm a little deviant. But also, that's like a magical... I'm putting into this context his reputation at school. It's not going to be easy for him to get laid once it comes out that he's...

I'm not even talking about this guy. I'm just talking about this hypothetical situation. Right, I understand. But I just want you to know that i mentioned my statement was made directed at him now you're asking me oh would you rather right that's right and the answer is you'd rather sleep with two girls oh no you'd rather sleep with anybody and then people you just openly have to admit that you're a virgin oh interesting yeah that's fine so you tell everyone you you've never had sex that's your thing this is so i could i could have sex with like anybody beautiful people

that's right so of course i would do that yes but if it's like if it's if a tree falls in the woods if you actually had sex with these girls and nobody knows it is it still good for opah they'll tell everybody oh no they're nobody will know they'll they won't be able to keep it a secret they fuck jake freaking herwitz yeah jessica alba's gonna be tweeting about getting out you're gonna be like the edelman girl i just fucked jake herwitz no lie uh would you be uh excited or sad if you know the story is some girl had sex with a New England Patriot football player, and she like Snapchatted it or put it on her Tumblr, Twitter, Tinder, Tinder profile, a picture of her with sleeping Julian Edelman.

And the text was, I just fucked Julian Edelman, no lie. And it was a huge story, gossip story. Would you be excited or mortified if that happened to you? Maybe not either. I wouldn't be excited. I wouldn't be like, this is dope. You're so cool. But I don't think I'd be like, oh my God, my life's over.

I'd probably just be like, fuck you, you idiot. Why'd you do that? Right. But like if you saw it on like a gawker website. I guess as long as I was single and the girl was a consenting age yeah i wouldn't be like mortally embarrassed and if she was super attractive yeah sure then that's another plus i wouldn't care that much if she was attractive or unattractive though you wouldn't be mad or super mad or super happy i would be annoyed at the at the girl and then i would probably be

pretty dismissive of any response yeah because i read this article about julian edelman and says he just laughs it off yeah it's like oh whatever yeah he slept with a fan what would you do uh you would probably be mortified i would be mortified i think you would be uh i think it would be. would be embarrassing on the surface but like if you you can sort of talk yourself into the fact that it's like a cool story right you're a little miffed every time a girl uh fucks you and doesn't promote it on her tumblr right well i have that the gift card thing that's like oh good for 10 free tweets so like if she tweets i fucked hashtag i fucked amir and then it's like that way she gets like she can cash those in for like i I'll give her like Uber credit or like.

Wow. Or like a 10% off like a Lyft or something like that. 10% off a Lyft? I also have a bunch of like Menchie's frozen yogurt cards like that are like stamped all the way up. It's a bad incentive, I think. There shouldn't be an incentive, but I guess there has to be. What do you think about this guy uh this guy's a not um he must be really hot because he's just really bad to people and they just keep fucking him he

also like he only the beginning of the story he only had sex with two people right yeah the girl from work who must like him and he slept with her broke up with his girlfriend either the or the order wasn't ideal yeah and he probably should have been a little more straightforward with his girlfriend and not uh told her it was her fault right so that's mistake number one i don't think it's unforgivable i think you're you're young you're it sounds like you're on your way to uni yeah you haven't learned your lesson uh but you need you need to shut the fuck up. You need to get a slap in the face. You need you need a new knee

because I'm going to bust your knee. You know? Actually, the picture of him he's pretty cut. Does he have a nice knee? Yeah, he actually has two really nice knees I was going to say.

The caps are on. Yeah, he really has a great patella over here. Okay. Lemmy Patellia. he really has a great patella over here okay let me patellia he's got a good patella the girl tried to get back together with him not having it not having it that's okay to not get back together with somebody but you should be nice to him it sounds like they had some sessions with crying and that's good that he like heard her out and met with her multiple times hopefully you guys are having a healthy breakup it's all fine boy

to be like hitting this girl from work. I mean, we haven't gotten into the fact that she has a boyfriend yet. But like so far, this is all fine. Where does it take a turn for the sour? Well, now he says, what are his questions? And I'll go from there. Should I go back together with my ex? No, because you broke up with her.

You cheated on her and you intend to get a lot of pussy in college. Is it not not is it against bro code to try to fuck my best friend's ex-fiance i forgot that he even did this yeah of course yes it's it's absolutely not bro code it isn't bro code at all is it bad to tell the girl from work's boyfriend about us purely because i'm leaving and i don't want them to be happy that sounds like you you want us purely because I'm leaving and I don't want them to be happy? That sounds like you want us to say you're evil. Like, I don't think you really want to do that. Because you're a moron. Okay.

How am I getting away with so much shit? You're not. You're a moron. How can I ensure no matter who I fuck that I'm dripping in bitches when I go back to uni? You can never make sure no matter what, no matter who you fuck, that you'm dripping in bitches when I go back to uni. You can never make sure, no matter what, no matter who you fuck, that you're dripping in bitches. You have to realize that all of your decisions have

consequences. Stay single. Yeah, stay single, for sure. Try not to hurt anybody's feelings. Always be nice, kind, and positive. Because if you're an asshole, your reputation will get out personally but don't you think bad reputations are good this is where this is where i'm gonna i'm gonna level

with everybody i'm gonna i'm gonna talk about myself a little bit for a change uh i had a or i have a bad reputation for being a man slut yeah a wh A whore. A player pimp. And I will tell you that that is never, ever, although it's come up as a speed bump, it is never, ever, maybe once or twice, but never, ever really prevented me from getting laid. It's never prevented. My reputation also is that I'm friendly, positive, kind, and I don't hurt people's feelings, even if we fuck.

Oh, so you're saying you have a bad and also a good reputation. Yeah. My Lulu, what is it? Isn't it Lulu? Oh, yeah. The man, the app where girls rate guys. Yeah. I looked at my Lulu once. Yeah. How did the Lulu, how did the Lulu pan out? I had like a, I don't know what it is now, but I had a great had a great score and because girls at the very least thought you were being honest to them yeah well because i mean i sometimes lie but i'm never ever mean right you're never mean you're always in a positive way and i care a lot about people's feelings but not like really like surface level

so as like you'll do stuff behind people's back, but as far as they know, they're happy. I don't know. I care. This is where it gets a little gray for me. Because I'm also a little evil, not as outright evil as this guy. I care a lot about people's feelings. I also am very selfish. And then when you're drunk, you care less about people's feelings and more about being selfish.

Yes. Right. Exactly. You also love being drunk. That's one of the main problems. I think because it's like, I get one whiskey and I'm like, oh, now it's me time. Give me three more whiskeys so I really only think about myself. So, are we done with this guy?

I don't know what else to tell him. Be good. Yeah, at least actively try all the time to be good. You don't have to, you know, this is a, it's a really lovely Mary Oliver poem. Oh. You do not have to be good. But. You do not have to crawl through the desert.

I forget this part. She says, you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. The only let the soft animal of your body love what it loves the only let the soft animal of your body love what it loves what if it loves two people at once then you have to then you have to be open with those people i think i used to say hey i love you and i also love you just so we know we know. People can't get that mad at you for being honest, right? Like, as long as you tell them your intentions. Honesty is like a full suit made out of gold. Yeah. It's just undisputable.

You are a nobleman. Yeah. Even if you are being honest about some, like, awful atrocity, people just love honesty. It's even down to like the court system like if you plead guilty if you say that you are guilty right now and just we just think that you're an honest guy you'll get less of a jail time yeah if you say if you lie to us now and then we go and we go and i check and i talk to people for a month and then we find out that you're guilty you're really fucked people don't don't like being lied to. Have you just be honest. Yep.

I'm good. All right. I'm an innocent boy. We're going to talk to these people who do say otherwise. And you'll see that they are wrong and I am right. All right. I'm honest and all of those other people are lying. Four weeks later.

Yeah, you're guilty. Maximum jail time. Of course. I appeal and I do plead insanity because I did it, but I was crazy. You're free. Yes. Gracias. All right.

Let's get to another question about a guy who's a little more genuine, a little more nice, a little more honest, and a little bit more open. He's a likable dude. Let's call him Amir. I am the master. No, I am the master. That's why I got to name him that. All right. Hey,. I am the master. No, I am the master. That's why I got to name him that. All right. Hey, dudes, love the show.

I'm a high school senior approaching prom, and as exciting as that sounds and is supposed to be, I can't seem to get over the monetary cost of the event. I'm currently working and taking full-time community college classes to help save money for transferring to university next year, so dropping $500 on one night is not something I'm interested in, especially if it's just to hang out with and look good for people I mainly don't care about. I would just say fuck it and not go, but I have a girlfriend who's a year younger than me who refers to this prom as a dream of hers. Also, unlike me, her night is 100% paid in full as her parents are

buying her dress and I would be buying her ticket, dinner, and hotel room. I'd love to do something special for her, but it seems like I could do something as or more special without spending almost two months salary. I also know that it's important to her, but it is my senior prom and year, not hers. Does this make any difference? Is prom worth it? Should I just suck it up and go? Am I obligated to suck it up and go? If not, how do I go about getting my girlfriend on board with the idea of not attending? Thanks, guys. Any help on the matter would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Amir. I feel like I know which whose side you're on. side yes and you think he

should just go for her yes i think he should go why he can't afford it yes he can it would cost it would be a huge two months of work to go to this prom that he doesn't want to go i think you could do it on the cheap i've at the very least share your concerns with your girlfriend and maybe her rich parents will help out oh tell your parents tell everybody's parents to all your friends i don't know i think you can hustle and scrounge for some money but i think you gotta go to prom first of all like he's got a bad attitude about it it's never really like that fun but it's like can be really fun if you go and you're it seems like most of the fun either happens after the prom or before the prom right but i think this

is like like do you remember your actual prom not really well i do the thing is i yeah i know i remember the i remember prom and it was fun and i like just like all my friends we like bought in hard and we're like we're gonna have a great time at prom we're gonna do this it's gonna be fun and then it was fun but if you go into it with this attitude of like this is too expensive is it really worth it i don't know then you're gonna go in and like prom's not gonna impress you because you're like going in there not ready to be impressed so you either have to dive head first full-on into this prom thing or just not get into it at all because prom for you prom might not be that, but like your girlfriend being mad at you about not letting you guys go to prom,

like that's going to be way more miserable and last way longer. Well, what if he's completely honest with her and says stuff like, hey, I don't know if I can afford this. Maybe we can do something else that special. And then meet up with him. Because he's got a job.

What a stucky situation. What a what a sticking point well if i were you you you would go you would just say i have to do this i wouldn't even suck it up i would change my attitude and be like you know what prom's gonna be fun uh i understand not having any money but like i think there are ways to get money maybe talk to your girlfriend about splitting some of these costs because if she wants to go really bad, it is fair that she would split certain costs. So you shouldn't have to buy her ticket and her portion of the hotel room. If she really, really wants to do this, if this is a dream of hers, then work something out. But I do think you've got to have a good attitude and go.

I would say tell your girlfriend your concerns and see how she starts taking it what if she's like oh my god totally no way i wouldn't want to do that i don't want to like put you out like that i guess she's not going to do this because prom is a dream of hers but it is his problem and not hers yeah that is a thing i feel like this is in line with your stance on tipping or something. Which is what? It's not illegal to not tip. Yeah. Do people know that?

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like there are certain institutions that you're sort of against. For example? I can't think of any right now. I don't want the word to be that I don't tip. But you do tip. I'm not saying

that yeah i always tip a good tip but you're like sort of a a miserly little g okay so that's against what you just said yeah well not the tip thing but i don't know i feel like there are things that inherently cost money that you don't like doing because right like i don't buy into this thing cost yeah it's kind of like a wedding idea. This is like a super small-scale version of a wedding. Most guys don't really give a shit about the size of the wedding. Sometimes girls do. And then guys have to be like,

all right, listen, this is not for me, it's for her. And you have to sort of let yourself go a little bit. What about being a guest to a wedding? If you had a girlfriend? This is similar to something like that. And it's like a destination wedding. You would be like, I'm not really amped to go. I don't want to pay.

I don't want to go spend all this money just to go to somebody else's wedding. Right. That's how you would feel. Because I would be the opposite. I'd be like, which is what? We have to go? Yeah, I'd be like,

this is an adventure. This is going to be really fun. Let's get a sweet hotel room and let's dress up and go to a wedding. Well, luckily all my friends got married after I had a job for many, many years. So I was never like broke going to a wedding. It's hard to be broke. It's nice that we're rich. Yeah, I'm so glad that I have...

The master. You don't. Let me refresh this page. $2.1 million in assets. Wow, that's really good. Liquid. That's crazy. What are you rolling on?

I have like 400 bucks invested in very volatile stocks. Yeah, I see that. Penny stocks. Holy, what is that? Prue RTC. One of my stocks is just, it's gambling, essentially. Of course it is you have a thousand dollars on it's gone yeah you're playing online roulette with your feet wow uh but doesn't it remind you of the wedding thing i mean there are some ladies who are like i don't want to get married in a big lavish way we should just spend that money on a house like some people spend uh a hundred thousand dollars on a wedding and some people would rather spend that on an awesome

vacation and a down payment on a house. I guess we don't even have to sexualize it. It's just like in a couple, some people are like down to spend money on certain things and some people aren't. Sure. We're experiencing it now with apartment hunting. Right.

Like what you look for in a abode. Yeah. Some people are, oh, I'll pay more to live in a shittier place and a better location or no i want to pay for the house and i don't care where the location is i guess it's like well friends it's easier because we don't really care about disappointing each other and we when we are disappointed it doesn't last very long couples are like very different because every

decision has some kind of like weird sexual thing in limbo like i'm not gonna stop blowing you because you didn't want to live in the house that I wanted. God, dude. Yeah. Well, that's because I got you gave me road dome on the way back and I was driving. So how is that fair? So what you would. Oh, if I were you, you would suck it up and go.

I wouldn't even. Would you even tell her? I would like really. I guess I would change my attitude, but not suck it up and be literally, I would like really, I guess I, I, yeah, I would change my attitude, but not suck it up and be like, all right, fine, I'll fucking do it. But I would be like, make a list of all the things that will be good about prom, starting with how happy it will make the person you love. Would you, would you, would you, would you tell your girlfriend your concerns about the

money? Yeah. Would you tell your girlfriend your concerns about the money? Yeah, if I genuinely couldn't afford to go to prom and college, I would say, I really want to go to prom. I'm with you. I love how excited you are. Your dress is gorgeous. Let's make this work. That being said, I can't afford it all on my own.

We've got to figure something out. Okay. And I would uh not necessarily go to prom because it's not that exciting of a event anyway i have a conversation looking back on it now because you're fucking 40 years old whoa sorry but it's exciting then it's exciting when you're a senior in high school i guess i mean i never got prom that's the biggest that's the biggest thing i never got to into prom. Well, you didn't get any pussy in high school. Exactly.

I didn't get laid. I also didn't drink after the prom. I didn't have the classic high school prom experience. Oh. Did you, like, have a drinking hotel after party? I think we had it. There was a party afterwards. Yeah.

I don't think it was at, it wasn't at a hotel. Awesome. And you got high or drunk high and drunk did you get head or sex i did get head that's awesome and then how was it did you ejaculate this part i don't remember oh yeah i bet i did very cool cool. I don't want to deprive him of that. Have you ever had sex? Have you ever got head? I have.

Have you ever nut Blumenfeld? Yeah, I do. Or do you just blow me? Because I know I don't reciprocate. I've sucked you off for hours on end, and your dick never even gets hard. It is a Hebrew national hot hot dog it is a soft frankfurter just limp and gummy like a like a bummy like a just unfrozen too still cold in the

middle yeah it's thawed it's thawing from the outside as if nothing warm has ever flown flown through it just an icy icy urethra I have. All right. That's our two cents. Let's take a break. And we'll come back with one more question. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that freecom slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace.

Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. PJfan3434, Henry, Henry, Henry, and Ronan Wood. Three people we'd like to thank for leaving positive iTunes reviews this week. To you, sirs, we say toda, gracias, and danke.

All right. Also, Eli DeBoss, Jmart 0031 and jc399 not the best names but positive jc399 especially we appreciate it nonetheless maybe that was based on like an old uh apple uh name that it looks like it was auto given to you fair enough uh but these reviews and these subscriptions really help if you have itunes subscribe and rate it goes a long way for whatever reason uh they itunes really weights reviews and subscriptions highly so like 50 people later we're already in the top 10 in comedy podcasts that's awesome stay there stay there uh in itunes Hands up. And they stay there.

And they stay there. No, we'll eventually drop down as the momentum decreases. Well, everything beautiful must die. I guess so. You do know that. Still some tickets left for our Australian shows. We're going to be in Adelaide, Perth, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, and Adelaide, Melbourne,isbane melbourne sydney and uh adelaide melbourne brisbane perth sydney oh that's it yeah five cities five cities uh still getting emails still getting

tweets that we're saying melbourne it's melbourne what are you talking about we've been saying melbourne i know i just i i really feel like we're pronouncing it with our accent. We're not mispronouncing it. We're not getting any emails from people being like, actually, it's Sydney, like S-I-D-N-E-E. I don't know. You guys are forcing us to talk like you. It's unfair.

I don't even know if it's... Jesus, wow. I don't even know if it's like jesus wow i don't even know if it's worth it like what do you what do you want from me if we pronounced airborne yeah in an australian accent yeah airborne no in an australian accent oh ebon ebon right well people tweeted us and be like actually it's not airborne it's a-i-b-e-n right it's actually, it's not airborne. It's A-I-B-E-N. Right. It's like, no, it's not. You just have a weird accent. Or a different accent. Like if we were saying, oh, we're going to go to Paris.

And then everybody from Paris was like, oh, it's pronounced Paris. Oh, how about this? Australian comedians coming to America. And they go, oh, we're headed to Los Angeles. And I'm like, would they get all these tweets? Like, actually, we're headed to Los Angeles. And I'm like, would they get all these tweets like, actually, it's not pronounced Los Angeles. It's pronounced Los Angeles. Try to have an ugly American accent when you go to New York.

No, it's Nueva York. All I'm saying is that I'd love to have a linguistic expert come on the show and talk about this for what will feel like weeks, but will probably only take five minutes to explain. My friend Eddie's a linguist. Oh, really? Yeah, we should call him sometime. You should just call him because he's your friend and you haven't spoken to him in a while.

Yeah, we had a falling out. You have a falling out with a lot of your friends. I've never not had a falling out. Have you ever falled back in? I've never fallen back in either so you've only ended relationships on a weird sour sudden note only yep everyone i know is estranged to you to me not not to each other yeah i've never known a single friend of a friend to have a falling out with that friend anyone but me so there's a friend group of 10. Yep.

And I've fallen out with nine of them. All of the possible falling out. And they haven't fallen out with each other. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with my friends. You should end thinking that. You shouldn't start thinking that. Yeah. This is a cloud of connections.

It's a cloud of connections hovering above you, and none of them point down to you. This is like the Simpsons thing with Bart is like dragging everyone's grades down that sits near him. Exactly. You are a black hole of friendship. Fair enough. And Los Angeles, new show, May 8th at the Hollywood Improv.

Oh, yeah. Come to that show. Kind of short notice, but tickets are still available to that show at the Hollywood Improv. All these tickets and all these links. Won't somebody here say yeah? All these tickets and all these links. Won't somebody here say what?

That's our time. No, it's not. Okay. All these tickets and all these links. At ifirewshow.com. So check them out if you want to hang out with us. See the show live. It's a fun night.

It's always fun to be there, especially for us. And then we hang out after and we get to see you and talk to you. We'll take photos, give you a high five and a hug. And they've got drinks and they got food and we all chill. And let's just say, I want drinks and food. And let's just say, you come, and there we am. Yeah, what? You're coming, and there we are.

We're coming. They're there. We are there, too. We will meet you. And to make it simple, if you're at the show, then, we'll see you there, then. At that time. At the time. Of the show is.

At the show. That we'll be out, then. We'll be there. Okay. As will I and you. All right. Do you have time? Do you have the effort?

Do you have the energy to muster up one more question and answer section? Amir Blumenfeld, I do not. All right. Let's call it a day. We are at the 43-minute mark, so I feel like we've given them enough content for the week.

Thank you so much for everyone listening. Really? Are we going to stop? Yeah, I thought you said you wanted to stop. I was just trying to make everybody upset, but I wasn't really going to do it. All right. So one more question?

Sure, yeah, one more. All right. Whoa, that was really close. Let me just figure one out. Shit. Do we have one? I only found two, you dickwad. The plan was to just do fucking two so you're

gonna put it on me you're gonna say hey jake do you want to do one more and then i say no and that's when we end it do you demonize me you know i always have a lot of questions ready for you i'm just trying to choose which one do i think will end the podcast in a great succinct new cool funny situation oh now you're trying to cast yourself in a positive light that's right trying to get the master this is all right do you want an interesting one or do you want uh an immature one interesting okay this one is a from a male sophomore in college sorry male junior in college. We'll call him Cooper. Cooper. Writes, I need to get this out quick. The situation is I'm a junior in college, and I like this girl who's a freshman, and she likes me too. At least I think she does. I told her I'm open to us having a relationship, but she pointed out, quite logically I might add,

that we only have a few weeks of school left, then we're going to have to be living far away from each other over the summer. So if we're to start a relationship now, she said it would be best if we wait until next year. I had to agree, but the problem is, I don't know what to do in the meantime. I mean, I know I still have free reign to enjoy myself and be single, and I plan to do that, but I don't want things to completely fizzle out with this girl who I still like. I plan to keep hanging out with her for the rest of the school year, but I have a slight fear that if we spend too much time just hanging out as friends, then that's

all she'll see me as. So, how do I keep this spark alive with her without just being her friend? I'm afraid that if I completely disappear from her life that she'll lose interest. Is there any way I can act when we hang out that will make her not see me as just a friend? What do i do

thanks cooper all right what do you think i think my thought is that if a girl like you can't hide or uh decide that a spark should be delayed. If there is an actual spark of romance, then you do illogical shit like stay together over the summer, even though you only met two weeks ago. And it's like almost like beyond your control. You're like, I think this is a bad idea, but I don't know. I have to do this. And then she's like, I don't know. I think I do too. This is crazy, but we're like really, really into each other and it really doesn't make sense. But you know what? I can't even choose to not be with you right now.

Right. And if there actually isn't a spark, then you can say stuff like, maybe we should just hang out after the next summer. I don't think you can have a spark and be logical enough to say, let's delay this for a summer. That's fair.

I think I agree. Because love or whatever, lust or this super passionate crush makes you do stupid things. And the fact that she's still acting

logically and rationally means unfortunately she's not as into it as you are because it sounds like you'd be down to just be together for three weeks and then quote unquote

figure it out and then when you figure it out you're like talking to each other all the time when you're apart and then you fly out to meet somewhere in the middle and then you like start alternating weekends and then by the time, figure it out. And then when you figure it out, you're like talking to each other all the time when you're apart. And then you fly out to meet somewhere in the middle. Then you like start alternating weekends. And then by the time you know, it's like, oh, it's the end of July.

Oh, it's early August. Maybe we should go back to school early. It's like, oh, my God, this is crazy. But we made it work because we're obsessed with each other. We can't even think about being alone. Beautiful people at school and you guys break up again. Yeah, exactly. And that's the beautiful thing that it just goes away instantly once you see each other.

Nothing lasts. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? What do you think? I think, I agree with you, it sounds like if she's willing to put such a pause on it that you guys aren't even going to hook up leading into the summer, it's kind of damning. But I'll let him figure that part of it out. All I'll say is that over the the summer you don't have to worry about it fizzling just like do your own thing and don't think and think about her as little as possible it doesn't matter like i think state doing things to stay on her radar like text or call or trying

to skype with her like all that does is make you needy and too familiar and not that exciting think of how exciting it will be like when you guys are back at school and you hit her up like day one like hey let's catch up i want to hear all about your summer right that's great she hadn't heard from you all summer so you're saying the distance thing might actually be good for you absence makes the heart grow boner absence makes the dick grow longer actually why don't you just use the bonerence makes the dick grow longer. Actually, why don't you just use the boner thing for the dick thing? Absence makes the dick grow boner.

Yeah. Right. But how does it rhyme with heart? Or fonder. Boner is pretty close with fonder. Schlonger. Yeah. Oh.

Fonder. Harder. We need heart. Oh, fart? But not, yeah not yeah you know absence makes the heart that's close we need a heart oh absence makes my part grow schlonger that's how you write people that was live that's what that was was an alley oop that went back and forth between two idiots for so long that the shot clock ran out. And then I dunked it, but everybody was in the locker room and the other team won by a lot. Yeah, and your dunk wasn't that good.

It was like the kind of dunk where it's like a layup and then you grab the front of the rim. Where if you look at it in super slow motion, it was just like a weird layup thing. But you still think it was a dunk. We go for a flying chest bump. You land on my ankle and roll it all of a sudden i have to carry you to the back room the lock room if you ask me but there's no one there to help me so you're sort of shit out of luck wow i end up tearing an acl because you're putting so much weight on my shoulders you rolled your ankle

and tore your acl this is not good it was all worth it for the dunk, which we finally watched and we see that I never really even touched the rim. You're mad at me. I'm mad at you. Sometime on the way to the locker room, I turn to you and plant one on you. I kiss you for seemingly no reason. This is a weird podcast

where we've blown each other and we kiss. We are both the masters of each other. This is what happens when we don't have a job. Just for the job we want. And we want... A blur germ. All right, that's it. That's our episode.

Thank you so much for listening. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, send them. That email address for everything is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnail submissions. Every time we post this podcast to our Facebook,

we use an original piece of artwork created by our fans. We're you're helping us. We provide the jokes. And then if you like them, you provide everything else. Yeah. Which I think is a pretty, not 50,

50, but at the very close 98 too. That opening theme song was from Winterblind. And this last one is by someone named Fela Grimm. F-E-L-A-G-R-I-M. We'll be back soon. Peace. best friends, although I never met them, they would answer any question without, if I

were you, and it shows, it really shows, if I were you, the show starts now.