Segments - 151: Spicy (w/Alana Haim!)

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Musician Alana Haim joins us to discuss terrible people and awesome names. This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Prosper.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do so we're here you got yourself into a sticky situation well i know of these two guys who can solve the complication they could drink in a mirror here to give you advice better yet it Is that a Haim song? I'll tell you what I do. I'll stick around and listen to it if I were you. Ta-da! Was that a Haim song? Technically, it was a cover. Wow.

It was not a Haim song. I loved that. That was Sam G. Sam Gibbs who wrote it. Let me just give him a quick shout out, then I'll introduce you. Soundcloud.com slash Sam Gibbs Music Portfolio. Sick. How's that for a catchy name? Very nice. Super catchy. I was super into that. Alana Hayim, correct? In the building. That's you. Yep, that's me. Musician? Rock star? Maybe. Actress? No, definitely not that. What would you say you are what's your what's your occupation

on facebook i don't have a facebook i'm one of those cool people what's your what's your profession on your tax return i guess musician it literally says i guess musician yeah she doesn't know i don't know um here's a music question for you based on that song. Okay. Did you like it? Did you think it was a good one? What was his name? Sam Gibbs. I fuck with Sam Gibbs. Okay. I'm down with Sam Gibbs.

She actually goes to his SoundCloud page a lot. I just bookmarked his SoundCloud page. Soundcloud.com slash Sam Gibbs. Sam Gibbs portfolio. No, Sam Gibbs music portfolio. Music portfolio. Damn it. Was Sam Gibbs taken and sam gibbs music

was taken you had to go to the fourth level of categorization portfolio uh my music question was i could hear this guy's accent when he was singing yeah but usually you cannot is that true or am i just making that up like do you know brit know British musicians? Yeah, I do. And when they talk, they don't, they sound like they have an accent. And then when they sing, you can't quite hear that accent. True or false? It kind of depends on the person. So you can hear accents in songs? Like the Beatles, you can hear that it was a...

Sometimes with specific words. You can even tell that, noctopus is garden. Yeah, like garden. He said like garden. He says garden. But then like One Directionctopus is garden. Yeah, like garden. You can tell like garden. He says garden. But then like One Direction is you don't know you're beautiful. And that just pretty much sounds like

angels singing in there or not necessarily from. For they are angels. Yeah, but they are angelic. Who just left their group? Zayn. Oh my God. He was the moody one.

Yeah, he was the moody one. He was so moody he left. Yeah. That's how moody he was. I guess we all saw it coming. Well, I wish him well in his new endeavors. So this is a advice podcast. I don't know if you've ever heard it before.

Probably not, right? No, I've heard of it. Okay, so it's called If I Were You. Liar. No, I actually have. I'm keeping my fangirl status to an all-time low right now. I'm a fangirl. You're acting very cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So people will email us, and they have questions about what they should do in their lives, whether it be about relationships or school or whatever. And then Jake and I advise them out of their sticky situation. And sometimes we have a guest. Ooh, and that's me today. Today we have one. Oh, that's me today today oh my gosh i feel so honored uh we hit you over the head on the street dragging you into our new home and now you're

sitting in front of a microphone this is our first podcast that we're recording in our new house wow yeah no one can see that you guys are literally holding a gun to your head right now yeah that's the beauty of me to be funny you told me to be funny and witty on your podcast. In that order, I said. And we said no matter what happens, we will execute you afterwards. So it's going to be really hard. It's going to end with a gunshot. It's going to be a fun night for me.

How do you like this new place, Jake? I think it's fine. Yeah? I don't think it's the modern house of our dreams that we deserve. I love this house. I'm a fang's the modern house of our dreams that we deserve. I love this house. I'm a fangirl of this house also. Tell me why you like this house. I don't know.

It kind of reminds me of old Hollywood, like some starlet lived here back in the day or something. Yeah, it is like a 20s. I think that's why I don't like it. Maybe I'm a girl, so I romanticize the 30s. The 30s. I want some like, I don't know what style of house it is, but it's like mid-century modern that looks like an architect. Believe me, I love a good mid-century modern house,

but I think this house is very beautiful. It's got a lot of charm. It does have charm. I want a house with no charm at all. You want just like brand new, like off the presses. Yeah, just like enormous glass doors in an infinity pool i want a house that costs way more uh money than i have that's sick you want a house you can't afford and that's the house you think you deserve yeah you think you deserve a house i can't afford

but it's the house i deserve right now how does that make sense how is that good would you like this house i like it it's comfortable i like. It's comfortable. I like carpets, though. You don't like carpets. I think carpets are fine. I think we have maybe a little too many carpets because there are wall-to-wall shag carpets in the bathrooms. So those are two carpets I could do without. That's a choice. That was a choice somebody made.

I don't mind carpets in the bedroom, though. Like, it's nice to step out of bed onto a nice cushy floor. You don't mind carpets in the bedroom though like it's nice to step out of bed onto you don't mind carpets in the bedroom oh nice shit shoot me i deserve it shoot me eat me uh all right you want to try answering i will say it's comfortable in the room that i have oh oh okay that's good because i would you care to describe which room of the house that I occupy? You have a nice room. You have a king-size bed. You do not have an en suite.

I do have an en suite. You do not have an en suite. It's an en suite. It's a Jack and Jill en suite. Me and Jake share a bathroom. And how many closets do you have in your bedroom? I have one. I have a walk-in closet.

And I have two walk-in closets. Therefore, I have the master. Therefore, I have the master. Therefore, I am the master. And therefore, you will call me master. We couldn't decide who got the master bedroom. So the way I said would be fair is let's just start bidding on how much you're willing to pay the other roommates for it. Whoa.

You lost, apparently. We started the bidding at $100, where the master would pay the two others, their subordinates, $100 each. And Jake bid up to $150. Wow. You are really not saving any money for the house you deserve. The master doesn't care. Well, you did bid $200

and then you started regretting it. And then you started crying. You retracted your bid. You said no master is worth paying. You thought it was 400, but it turns out it was 600 more because you were paying 200 to two different people. I still don't understand how that math works.

Because you were like, you were an additional 400 and then we were like negative 200. Right, but I just like, I can't wrap my head around it. Because I only like, I didn't pay an extra $600. Yeah, you paid $400. Right. Well, I'm saying if you had paid 200 each, that's like you're paying 400 extra.

And me and Marty were paying 200 less. I feel like this podcast already needs a lot of editing. That's the thing it doesn't you guys are going through some issues right now do you guys need me to guide you through it like do you want to put this problem into an email and i'll answer your problem it's half a therapy session for us yeah we like to talk through our mistakes okay not that this was a mistake it wasn't a mistake there's everything right about me being in the master wow and you don't mind paying an extra 450 a month for a room that's relatively uh as good as the one that i'm in yeah it's so relatively good that you offered to pay a hundred dollars for each each room yeah to each roommate i thought that was an appropriate proportion of

how much more i just did another i another $50 each on top of that. Per person. Per person. So it's another $100. That's right. This is the craziest argument I've ever seen. We could have completely had this discussion before. We're actually out of time.

We do have this discussion. We've had this discussion a thousand times. Before, after, and during. Luckily, we're leaving at the end of this month so there will be yet another debate yet another master yes which brings it which brings us to the i'm gonna be the master next month that'll solve all of our problems you won't have to worry about me if anybody out there has um a line into hgtv amir had an idea for a um a tv show called the master yeah three people have a competition for

the best bedroom it's sort of like house wow the wait why are you saying this on the podcast this is this idea is gold we're giving some person listening to this podcast is gonna be like zoink this is my master i do you lose we really should we really should pitch the master yeah and then maybe you can get the house you deserve that joke at that never gets old at that point if if you can afford it it's not a house you deserve anymore yeah then you need to dream bigger i don't want to have earned it that means i don't deserve it uh all right here we go question the first uh alana are we going to give these real emails fake names to preserve these people's anonymity? We don't want to out them.

So do you have a fake name to give this guy? To give a guy? Mm-hmm. I'll help you. I'll give you some context. He has a twin brother. It helps you color that character a little bit more. My dad's a twin.

Are they identical? They are identical. I don't want to give this person my dad's name. That's creepy. Give him your uncle's name. My uncle's name? No, no identical? They are identical. I don't want to give this person my dad's name. That's creepy. Give him your uncle's name. My uncle's name? No, no, no. It could be anything.

Should I give... I don't want my baby name, my secret baby name that I know I'm going to name my son. That's just creepy. Wow. Yeah. I already know. Tell me and then we'll edit it out. Really?

Yeah. Well, I might not bleep it out. Do you really not want to give away your baby's name? No, I can. i don't i don't i might not bleep it out do you really not want to give away your baby no i can i don't really care um i want my first son's name to be zully with the z z-u-l-l-y uh-huh zully why zully i don't know my friend's brother had that name and i always thought he was like the coolest person ever and i was like that's a pretty cool name and i want i want my kid to grow up to be like the hot kid in class because I was like the exact opposite of the hot kid in class. So I just hope that.

You were the ugly kid in class. You can name your kid a hot name and he'll turn out to be hot. If you name your kid Zully, he'll grow into a Zully. I really feel like he'll grow into like a leather jacket wearing like toothpick in mouth. Yeah, you really do glamorize the 30s and 40s yeah the coolest thing you could do is have a toothpick and a leather jacket imagine me in a curl like a curl it's like greasy oh yeah that's more like 50s i basically just want my son to be danny zuko another z name another z name zully zuko zully zuko if there's a zuko out there that

wants to marry me, let go. Zully Zuko Haim. You have to keep your last name, right? Because that's the name of the band. I think I'm going to do a hyphen. Those are quite popular these days. Wait, you're going to give the kid the hyphen? Like, my kid would be like, Zully Haim hyphened.

Oh, your Haim goes first. And then, yeah, Haim always goes first. I love my last name. That's the name of your next album. Ha comes first always zully zuko writes okay zully zuko zully zuko writes i'll get right to the point my twin brother's girlfriend is a stone cold bitch oh she's a first year university student and my bro is a senior in high school this bitch is insane to start she's lazy and i and i don't mean i don bitch is insane to start she's lazy and i and i don't mean i don't want sorry to start she's lazy i don't mean i want to watch netflix all day lazy

but uh but rather i refuse to do literally anything that requires energy lazy my parents invited her to our family cabin and flew her out with our own dime when When she got there, she spent the entire week inside because, quote, wind made her tired. She refuses to drive her own car and likes to take out my family car so she can, quote, save on gas. One time she took the front seat of the car from my elderly grandmother

because she, quote, gets carsick. However, she spent the whole time in the car looking back at my brother and playing games on her phone. My brother is the family photographer and on another trip, she spent the whole time in the car looking back at my brother and playing games on her phone. My brother is the family photographer, and on another trip, she was invited, and she forced him to take as many pictures of her as he could. That resulted in about five photos of the family from the vacation and 300 photos of her. On the same vacation, she took all the sunscreen and hid it in her room so that only she could use it to, quote,

keep her skin safe leaving the rest of my family exposed to harsh uv rays she also got him to take sexy photos of her like this one and post them on social media did he send you a photo there is an instagram link whoa both my parents and grandparents was hot too i looked at it both my parents and grandparents have instagram and were shocked to see this chick in a goddamn G-string when they opened up their Instagram. This is just the tip of the bitchberg. I understand that my brother is also at fault for a few of these things, but she's got him by the balls. I don't know how to approach this topic around him.

So if you were me, how would you approach a situation when your sibling's significant other is dragging them down? Thanks. Love you guys. Zully Zuko. is dragging them down. Thanks. Love you guys. Zully Zuko. Yeah. First off, I'm about to say, doesn't matter how ugly this girl's soul is, you cannot call someone a bitch. Let's drop the bitch word, y'all.

You're anti-bitch? I am anti-calling girls bitches what would you call this i would call her a very special person what's a negative way to call her a negative word i don't know just like a mean girl she seems can you call her an asshole yeah i think you call her an asshole just a bitch is such an ugly word for a woman what about girl on girl can you call someone a bitch um would i don't i know people do but i just get frustrated so you don't use that word at all no i don't like using that what about the c word c word is worse so b word no i can't i don't i don't even say the c word out loud. That's why it's called the C word.

What about the D word? I don't even know what the D word is. Me neither. But it's that bad. Wow. Future. What about if I called Amir a bitch? I don't know. I feel like it's person to person.

Personally, I don't like it. I don't think men... I think it's a men and men like male to female vibe like a male should never call a girl a bitch ever that's very disrespectful i guess i don't know very much about um how the word makes people feel right but oftentimes for me like the emotion behind like if i were to call a girl a bitch, it would be like filled with like hate and vitriol. And that's awful. Like this girl's a fucking bitch.

Like that's crazy. But if I called Amira a bitch, it's like kind of silly. Right. I think it's just used in the word of describing someone like as a bitch that's very hurtful as a woman. Okay. So Zully. That's a good tip. Like that.

So to start, he shouldn't call her a woman. Okay. So Zully. That's a good, that's a good tip. So to start, he shouldn't call her a bitch. He should call her a mean girl or a meanie. An asshole. An asshole. She's not an asshole. I would, from hearing this question,

it seems like some of the stuff she does is like pretty annoying. It is super annoying. And then some of the other stuff though, is just like him the sunscreen thing for instance she hid it in her room i don't believe that she hid like he's like quoting her like like how much sunscreen do they have do they have like a vat like a costco size like she she took all the sunscreen because we we got all the sunscreen for the family leave it for the family. Leave it in the family room so the UV rays don't hurt us.

And she says, no. I shall take the sunscreen. It's the end of the world, and that's the food supply. She wants it just for herself. She was drinking it like coconut milk. She also is always quote something. Yeah. So she can quote save money on gas.

So she can quote protect her skin. No, she definitely, one thing that really you know made me sad was she took gam gam seat yeah can't take gam gam seat yeah you gotta gam gam is old and deserves the seat in the front and yet no matter what believe me i get car seat but when my gam gam is coming into town you gotta take one for the team for beauty gam gam age before alana i don't know about beauty but gam gam always gets the front seat that was really bad what were the other ones that i didn't see the instagram oh you didn't see the photo so she made him take a picture of her and post it to his instagram it's funny though the brother's like she made him take this photo

and post it to his instagram oh wait, wait, it's on his Instagram? That's 100% his choice. Yeah. Wow. What do you see, Yolanda, when you see this? Can you describe it? I see a jean jacket and some white lacy panties. Yeah, a girl.

And a butt shot. A booty. TBCH, and that is, to be completely honest to all you who don't know that. I honestly think he posted that on his Instagram to show people who he's shipping. I don't think that was... He was like... And then she made him post this sexy photo on his Instagram. He definitely was like, yo, look who I'm shipping right now.

What is that word? Shipping. Shipping? Shipping. Shipping? Alana speaks fluent yiddish i don't speak fluent you're such a mensch oh you're an uber mensch um no i just hate the word fucking i think it's so gross and not cute it's a lot of you don't like swear words you don't like

fucking you don't like bitch i don't like cunt i mean at this point the c word jake don't say it out loud that's why we call it the c word my mother would be horrified mommy if you're listening amir said the cunt i didn't say it that's the best part i didn't say it i want this to catch on because i think stripping is such a funny word to to describe i like stripping shipping so this is someone i want to strip her i want to stripoop her. I want to stoop him. Stooping or stooping, it's a great... We have stooped.

It's a good conjugation. Well, this guy's question is how do you broach this subject? And I would submit that you don't, that you can't. Really? If my brother was dating somebody I really hated... You would tell him. No, because when you tell somebody that, all it does

is fortify the relationship against you. Because you feel so bonded with someone when you're like, hey, baby, it's us against the world. Nobody likes us. But I'm going to pull you in closer because we don't need them, you know? But I think that if you really, like if a sibling is dating someone that you don't like, and you really like, and it's getting so serious that you feel like maybe marriage is on the table or it's, you know, taking the next level. Like, personally, I don't think I could, like, stand by and not tell my sibling, like, please go for it. I mean, I put my siblings on such a pedestal. I think my sisters are, like like the greatest women of all time have you ever hated somebody that they were dating um yes and no but like the thing is is like no one

has ever come so close where like i feel like i really do need to step in but i know that like i know who my sisters like what kind of man my sisters deserve and if i feel like a guy is not treating them the way they should be treated like fucking yes, I'm stepping in and being like, yeah, no, this guy is not the shit. Yeah. I do swear. Just in the appropriate ways. Yeah. You don't waste it.

I don't waste it. I feel like you would tell your brother if he was dating a meanie. I guess a fennhole. I don't think my brother would find himself dating somebody who like really, really, really, truly sucked. It is weird how like some good people just fall for terrible. Like attraction is such a weird thing like that. But I think I've been there where like. You know good guys that have been with awful people just because sex feels good.

And that's like the main reason. And then you're like, oh, this is good. So let's just ignore everything else. That's bad. Right. But then how often, like, have you ever gotten out of a relationship and then your friends are like,

Oh, thank God we all hated that girl. No, me either. I definitely was in that situation. And then you're like, I will. Why didn't you say anything when we were together?

But you also, you can't be, you can't be convinced when you're with that person but i think it is true but i think with zully i think what he should do is what if his brother it has his brother like we don't know if his brother has ever asked like oh do you have a problem with his chica like yeah that's when you can be like actually was kind of bummed when she took Gam Gam's seat. You know what you do? And this is I'm with you. Here's what you here's what you do.

Instead of saying, like, fuck your girlfriend. She took Gam Gam's seat. Yeah, that's fucked up. Don't you think? Then like you're the animal in your body is is to defend her. Right. Right. To be like, no, fuck you.

It's fine. She gets car sick. Gam Gam didn't mind being in the back seat. But what if I said, how did you feel when she took Gam Gam's seat? Right. Then it's, I'm just asking, like, what do you think about that? That's a good vibe. And then, of course, you're going to, you know, nobody wants Gam Gam's seat to get fucked with.

That's her seat. And I'm also. Gam Gam gets shotgun. Gam Gam always gets shotgun. And I'm also a true believer in people need to like see through journeys. Oh, like they have to learn it. They have to,

they have to make the decision themselves. Like, yes, a million people can say like, I don't like your girlfriend. And they'll be like, fuck you. She's my girlfriend.

But then when they realize it, then it's officially. So that's what you want. You want to inception him to be like, to like think about it himself. Yeah, that's true. People. You want to inception him to be like. To like think about it himself. Yeah, that's true. People and you people are nobody will break up with a girl just because their friends don't like her.

But it can plant seeds of doubt. You can in a friendly way point out all of this girl's shortcomings. Like look through the camera. Wow. Only a couple pictures of the family on this vacation. He does have a very large list. Yeah, he has a very large list of things this girl has done. Some of the grievances are major and some are very petty.

But yeah. So the old, if I were you, what would you do if you were him? You would what? I would very calmly ask, just like keep on asking his opinion on this girl until he, because he, everyone that's in this type of situation knows deep down in their heart that right that this girl sucks or that the relationship is bad so you just have to be really patient and let that like surface and then when it finally does you embrace your brother and you say you're right i think you came to the right decision right and

then the second that they break up you need to like make sure your brother is preoccupied with a bunch of shit in a good way or a bad way also if they're identical twins he could break up with her wait a minute if i were you so this is what you do you get into a dim setting something where it's sort of you can't really tell who's who but if they're identical twins it shouldn't matter they're're truly identical. Blindfold her. Then you break the news to her. She has to believe that it's the other twin. What's Zully Zuko's twin brother's name? Zachary?

Zachary. Zachary and Zully Zuko. Zachary Zuko. And Zully Zuko. Share a zebra. And Alana, what would you do if you were you? You would tell your sisters if i was zully i would plant the seed as jake said just you don't ever like sit your sister

down and say what the fuck are you doing with this guy if you because then then he'll feel threatened and he'll be mad and just it and also whenever you like do that like if you like force your sibling to do anything they sometimes they rebel and stay with the person just because they're angry about it. Right. I think that usually happens when it comes from parents. Right. People like to rebel against parents. I don't know if they rebel against friends or siblings.

I don't know. It's a question mark. What would you do, Amir? I think I would tell them if it's truly an awful woman. I would be like, you know, she's a bad woman. But I'm like overly, I'm bluntly honest. Sometimes it's truly an awful woman i would be like you know she's a bad woman but i'm like overly i'm i'm bluntly honest sometimes it's not in a good way but i would be like this is a bad person right but i feel like i've said that to friends yeah it's interesting if it was us like

if you told me that somebody i loved was a really shitty person i feel like it would mean a lot more because now we're older and when we're someone, it's like potentially a life mate. Oh, it means something. This guy is a senior in high school. Oh, he's a senior in high school? Yeah. Dude, break up with this girl. You have so much more life to live.

Oh, my gosh. I don't care who's in love. If you're a senior in high school, break up. Yeah, break up with this girl. We're not even talking to the guy. We're talking to the guy's brother. Well, to Zachary Zuko, you're a senior in high school break up yeah break up with this girl we're not even talking to the guy we're talking to the guy's brother well to zachary zuko you're fucking up break up with this girl and find someone that makes you happy and then she'll find someone that makes her happy you know it's life goes on you know it's awkward what's the cool way to say awkward is it oxford is it ox ox you know it's ox uh have you? Why did you think it might be Oxford?

How old are you, Amir? I'm 49. That's just something that you want to be cool. Is it Oxford? What's the cool way to say awkward? Oxford. Do you know what's cool, Beans? I am holding a toothpick.

Yeah, what's the bananas pajamas these days? The bananas pajamas is when somebody breaks up with someone and you're like oh thank god i hated that person and then they get back together has that ever happened to you guys that's like oh yeah that hasn't happened to me but that seems like a very treacherous situation yeah the thing is is most likely oh dear god i am so sorry that's a FaceTime request on my computer. Wow, who's trying to FaceTime you? Ben. Who's been a guest on this podcast before. Schwartzy?

Yeah. Oh my God, Ben Schwartz. Hell yeah. Fuck with him. Yeah, that is awkward. That is weird. All right, let's move on. Let's go to the next question.

Do you have another... Name? Yeah, another name. We should have answered that, by the way. That would have been fun for the podcast. Should we? Should we call him back? Maybe.

All right. But if this isn't funny, we'll edit it out. It's calling. Hey, we're recording a podcast. Oh, God, is this a trap? It's not a trap, but I am still recording just in case something funny happens. No pressure. Wait, let me play music that's probably not allowed.

Who's the guest? Alana Haim. Oh, Alana Haim. Hi, Ben. Alana Hayim. Oh, Alana Hayim. Hi, Ben. You guys have never met. Wait, turn us. All right. Hi, Ben.

This is how you like it, right? This is how you like it? This is how I like it. What's the fuck, weirdo? Hey! Hi! Yeah, you hold the mic towards Ben. Hey, buddy.

Sorry, buddy. Can you push Jake out of the way real quick? Sure. I'll leave on my own. How are you? This is such a real moment. I hope we're capturing it. Guys, I've been listening to James Brown all day.

All day. All day. I'm generally just trying to find this song. What did I interrupt? Wait, does this mean we can't get dinner, guys? We can, but we have another half hour to record. All right, I got it. Put this on, and then let's go get dinner,

and by the time this album finishes, we'll come back. God, this is putting me under so much pressure. There's no video, right? No, no video. You are playing a song into a FaceTime that I'm recording onto a... This is so 2015. All right, guys. So let's do one question.

Do we do a question yet? Oh, you want to try to answer one right now? Sure. This is so 2015 that we're doing a FaceTime... Look at Jake trying to fucking get a picture of this. What a scumbag. Wait, Ben, how was the fight in vegas i like that it was it was it was too it was just too much it was excess of everything yeah um all right we're gonna actually try to i'll ask i'll ask it and

then we'll all weigh in all right uh hey chumps my name is uh ben do you have a name yeah what's the name for you do you have a name for us oh what's the name for this person is a guy or girl guy what's your favorite baby name for your future baby alana you say the first part you say the first name and i'll say the last name oh but i already gave my future baby name this one can be your enemy's name my enemy oh jeez i'm not gonna put that on a podcast here i'll give my my next future Maurice. Horace? That's right. She said Horace. Horace Grant. Horace? Maurice.

Like Mo. Maurice. Oh, Maurice. That changes my name totally, by the way. All right. First name Maurice. Just got a huge text message, guys. First name Maurice.

Last name Mittenbottom. Maurice Mittenbottom writes Hey chumps my name is And I am a huge fan I said his name Hey chumps my name is Maurice Mittenbottom And I'm a huge fan I'm a freshman at film school and an aspiring comedy writer

And comedian I pride myself on being a nice guy and being funny About two weeks about two months ago I got my first girlfriend She is really cool and I got my first girlfriend. She is really cool and was also my first kiss. And I lost my virginity with her. I really like her. But the problem is, I really like her. But the problem is she doesn't think that I'm funny, which is weird because almost everybody I know laughs at my jokes and tells me I'm funny. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make her laugh. And not only that, she often tells me that I'm not funny,

even though everybody else will laugh at my jokes. As somebody who wants to be a comedian, I really like to make people laugh, and I get depressed when people don't think I'm funny. My question is, should I break up with her, or do I talk to her about it, even though if I do, that she will only be fake laughing at my jokes from now on? Thanks. Maurice Mittenbacher. Mittenbottom.

Mittenbottom. Mittenbacher. Idiot. Mittenbacher's a stupid name. What are you, crazy? Mittenbacher. All right. Okay.

So. Really? This is a. I know. I know how to answer this question go ahead for sure this girl is definitely negging him what do you guys know what a neg is yeah but i did not think that was what was happening really i think she's totally negging him for sure what do you mean how she already goes out with him well no she goes out with him. Well, no, she goes out with him. Okay, first of all, the second you start going out with someone, you need to keep it spicy always. Wow, I did not know that. You got to keep the spice happening. I feel like as soon as I start going out with someone, the spice is gone.

No, it always needs to be spicy. The thing is, this girl also kind of sounds hilarious. This girl is fucking funny, too. I'm down. I fuck with this girl. She's telling the dude you're not funny when he's like trying to be a comedian it's a total neg it's like a textbook neg wow can i ask you a series can i ask you a series of questions ask me a series of questions first of all when is your

t-shirt line that says always keep it spicy coming out second of all what does it mean to keep it spicy like just well first of all i feel like when people get into a relationship the the reason why they break up is because it's like it gets boring you you know you want to see you know go on an adventure in greener pastures it's just like the spice is gone and you always need to keep it spicy and my mom always said my mom always said you always have to be with a guy that likes you a little bit more than you like him whoa so yeah my mom's a fucking g that's why and so i feel like this girl he's like that's like the challenge she's challenging him constantly because he really wants to be funny to her and I think this girl, she could have gone too far with the neg then.

I mean, she is going pretty far with the neg, but I mean, she's a champion. If you're going to neg, you can't swing for the, like she's going right to the core of this guy's soul. I need to know how long they've been dating and the exact jokes he's been telling because maybe he's just not funny. I don't know.

I think he's probably funny. If you want to, I mean, I don't know. You guys are the comedians. If all of his friends say he's funny. If all of his friends say he's probably funny if he wants i mean i don't know you guys are the comedians if all if all of his friends say he's funny his friends say he's funny i just think this girl is like trying to keep him on his toes they've been dating for two months oh they've been for two months oh yeah that's part two part two though is that if you lost your virginity to her you might as well break up because you won't marry her there's no need to like stay together necessarily this is yeah

that it is very 1950s of him. But like losing your virginity to someone is a very powerful thing. I feel like they should stick around. The reason for breaking up should not be because she doesn't – she keeps telling me I'm not funny. That's weird. If a girl found me not funny at all, I don't understand how I would be with her.

Really? Yes. Well, that's also because we come from comedy backgrounds, so it's like our job. It's like someone telling you you're bad at music or something like that. Right. That's a perfect example, Ben.

We have to go to commercial break, but thank you so much for asking it. No, no, no. Answer. Could you be with somebody that thought you sucked at music? That is true. Probably not. But the thing is, it depends on if I respected the person that I was with music taste.

Because if I was dating a person, their favorite band was Slipknot or Orgy or Limp Bizkit. Both those bands rule. And they were like, you. Venturist actually fucking kills it. Yeah. Literally. He was crazy on that podcast i have one more on that uh documentary i have one more thing to say yes okay um maybe um i think that she's probably playing with him a little bit i also think that she

thinks that it's i he he obviously cares about it a lot right being funny if he listens to the podcast and stuff like that and he's probably into comedy so but the thing is also maybe maybe because like sometimes when i'm with my friends they like say stupid jokes that like make everybody laugh and like everyone laughs at them and like maybe she's just like getting used to like being around him and like as her like go-to she's like oh my god stop it you're not being funny like yeah maybe it's i think that's happened to me before like ben how much nicer could it be if she just didn't say anything like if she why would she call him out on it over and over again especially if he knows it hurts his feelings well she doesn't know that it hurts his feelings i don't think she knows oh yeah so the there's a middle ground before

breaking up with someone you just say hey when you tell me i'm not funny it makes me sad maybe she thinks it's like a joke to her maybe she thinks like oh he thinks it's funny when i say he's not so part one is she does something that makes him sad and then part two is he says this makes me sad and part three is if she changes then that's good and their relationship can move forward but if she doesn't if she still hurts his feelings then he should break up with her right i think it's an egg if i were you i would keep going ben would you date someone who didn't find you funny um i would date someone as long as i get what is get what is funny i don't care if they think that i'm great or anything but if they get like if they understand that

arrested development is funny or larry sanders show is funny or like the uk office is funny i don't care if they think that i'm great or anything but if they get like if they understand that arrested development is funny or larry sanders show is funny or like the uk office is funny then it's fine if like if we can what does that hurt your feelings even more than if like all of the formative comedy that you loved she thought was amazing but she thought you were bad so you knew that she had like i mean i can't imagine i would date someone that if they hated me like if they're like oh you're i mean yeah if they thought you were funny you're the greatest thing i don't need them to think I'm like the best. I just – but like what do you mean? Like they come – this woman comes home and is like, you're terrible.

You're terrible at a comedy. None of the jokes you say are good. That would be a blow I think. To hear that every day would be very negative. So what would you do? I'd probably marry her. See, it's working. It's a neg the neg works this girl i'm super into her i'm super into the neg works i'm telling you i feel like the neg works maybe

at the beginning but then if you don't open up and show who you really are i would i also hate games that shit drives me okay you say you hate games, but 100% if you were in a relationship that didn't have games, you'd get bored as fuck and move on. Games is what makes people spicy. That's too spicy. Ben, have you kept it spicy? That's one of the t-shirts.

Games is what makes people spicy! I don't know how spicy I've kept it. I thought I was keeping it spicy, but I feel like the best relationships I've been in are the ones that we don't have any games. Yeah, but there's games in the beginning. There's no way it can be a relationship without games, 100%. I've never been in a relationship

where there's not a little bit of a game. Even if it's just mild spice. Yeah, even if it's picante. Remember that spice girl, Mild Spice? She was sort of average looking. She was a librarian. 40 Spice? Yeah.

Sure. That'll make sense. So Jake, can you date someone who didn't find you funny? No. That's everything that I am. I would agree with that. That is everything that I am. She's a stupid idiot because I'm the funniest guy in the world. I'm Jake Hurwitz, damn it.

Where's Laura Hurwitz, my mom? Don't fucking talk about my mother. Hey, your mom and I emailed, had an email chain last week And I'm still not cool with that I got her tickets to my show that was sold out And then she bailed on me That's the neg

That's your mom Shit my mom's keeping it spicy Your mom is totally keeping it spicy Alana Could you date someone that didn't find you funny? Probably, well, funny, I mean, I'm hilarious, so they would just not have humor. Yeah, it wouldn't exist.

No, but I think you should just tell her, like, do you actually not find me funny, or is this, like, a weird vibe that you're putting out? Wait, what about if they didn't like your music? What if they heard your albums and were i do not like this i mean in the beginning i'd be like fine with it i'd be like whatever like everyone has taste but yeah i would definitely fuck me up inside and i don't think the relationship would last but i think like i don't think he should like abandon this chick just yet i feel like they can maybe work it out a little bit.

I don't 100% agree that she completely doesn't find him funny. There's no way. I think, as I said before, it's the neg. That's another show. T-Bone is spicy!

All right, thanks, Ben. I hope this really worked. Let's get dinner in a little bit. Let's get dinner. Wait, you guys aren't going to be done. I have a show at 930. Are you going to be done in the next little bit or no? Yeah, I'll be done in like 15-20 minutes. Let's go to your show.

Where are you? You guys can come to my show. How far away are you? Which area of this city are you in? Hancock Park. Yeah, we're in the place that's close to you. I was going to say, you're in a place that's far. That house looks way too nice for you to be living in. Alright. Don't be fooled. It's not a nice that's far that house looks way too nice for you to be living in all right don't be fooled it's not a nice house that cool what's that can i say one more thing before i go yeah ben schwartz ladies and gentlemen thanks man we'll talk to you soon all right let's take a

break and then we'll come right back we'll try try to answer one more question, if that's okay with you. I'm super down. Tight. Jake, will you face it? Face what? There's not good ways to borrow money when you need it. Yeah, I agree. It's a tough thing to do. Friends, family, credit card companies, traditional bank loans,

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I don't have a house. All right, well, either way, Prosper's online marketplace connects people who need money with those who want to invest in you. So don't rack up more debt on your credit card. Pay them off with Prosper. And you know, you can check your low rate instantly without affecting your good credit. You can go to prosper.com slash if I were you. And now for a limited time, listeners to the show, get a $50 Visa gift card with your low

interest loan. So you don't just get $35,000 in your account in as few as five days. You'll also, in addition to the $35,000 loan, get a $50 Visa gift card in case you need it, $35,000 and $50, which is a little bit more. A cherry on top of the sundae there, huh? Exactly right. Very intriguing. Go to prosper.com slash ifireyou. That's prosper.com slash ifireyou. Let's get back to the show i'm excited about it very that's a good one all right we're back uh you're on air with jacob and alana heim as a guest nice you have a very soothing voice you could do the intro every single time really should i oh yeah you guys hired me i guess you already have a pretty good job of being in a famous band but still yeah how do how would if people don't know who you are how would well how can i describe who

you are for everybody listening because we there's a lot of people listening that might not have heard of your band um gosh i don't know you're asking me to describe myself you're in a band? I am a young 23-year-old healthy woman. Yeah. I have long brown hair and blue eyes. That's all true. And I love to party. This is such a cool Tinder bio. You're on a lima date.

If you're interested, add Baby Haim. On what? Hit me up. On Twitter? Twitter. Instagram. On the tweets and the Instagrams. I'm also in a band called Haim.

We play some sick, sweet tunes. Your band is kind of a big deal. Are we? Yes. Like, you were on SNL, which is a big deal. We were on SNL, which was a big D. You're opening up for Taylor Swift this summer, which is kind of huge. You're going to be playing in front of a football stadium filled with people.

Three times in a row. Yeah. It's going to be pretty nutso pants uh nominated for a grammy yep this is all kind of big deal universe making me feel super good i'm like walk out of here i feel like super confident the opposite of a neg yeah this is so great what are you guys working on now we are working on our second record and we're gonna go on tour with taylor in like a month and a half tay tay tay tay my baby love all this all all that you've worked on so far has amassed to one album yes well we've been a band for we're almost at our eighth eighth year anniversary whoa

so we've been a band for eight years but but we just, we released our record in 2013. Okay. And so now we've got to release another one, do it all again. And you only have one record? Yup. That's crazy. Yeah. As someone who's not like super in tune in music, it's hard to like keep track.

Like I know, I don't know when records come out. I just hear songs on the radio. Like I hear Taylor Swift songs now and Taylor Swift songs two years ago. And I don't like, I don't like say, oh, that one's from that record. This one's from this record. songs on the radio like i hear taylor swift songs now and taylor swift songs two years ago and i don't like i don't like say oh that one's from that record this one's from this record but that is how like musicians that's how the people in the music industry like me so you can't go on tour until you make another record and then you make you perform those songs right i mean you can go on tour whenever you want but it's better if you have something to like promote you have new material right aka songs what is your next album coming out we don't know we're just in the writing

stages right now so it's kind of like it's all happening we want to put out a really good second record why it doesn't matter i mean you know i was a big fan of your first record before i even knew you really yeah jake like the wire really yeah i like Pray to God? I think my favorite song when I first found you guys was Fall. No, Don't Save Me, maybe. Don't Save Me is a fan favorite. I just heard Don't Save Me at CPK the other day. No way. Was it Falling or was it Don't Save Me?

Baby, don't save me. Yeah, that's Don't Save Me. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. I love CPK. It's like a dream come true. Was it in the Valley? Yeah. No. Wait, wait, wait. How's awesome. I love CPK. It's like a dream come true. Was it in the valley? Yeah.

No. Wait, wait, wait. How does falling go? And now I'm falling into the fire. What do the verses sound like? I give a little into the... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like falling a lot, too.

It's a good one. And now do the wire. Yeah. Dear now. Oh, my God. Ew, you're such a fangirl. You know all my guitar lines. Is your audition to be the skit?

Do you need a little do-do-do's, guys? I think we were really looking for a scat man for High M's next record. But that's rad. Thanks for listening to my tunes, y'all. Catch'all catchy tunes thank you and the one on the radio right now pray to god with calvin harris no big deal nbd whatever calvin he's just a tall good-looking dude i guess he is a tall good-looking dude well but that's like being tall and hot only gets you so far yeah i mean he's like nothing except for being like, yeah, but then he's like,

all he is is tall, hot, talented, and he's rich. Yeah, but is he smart? I know, right? Oh, he's a genius. So he's a smart, rich genius that's talented and hot. Does he do anything charitable? Yeah. Oh, yeah, he does that all the time.

Okay, so he's a hot, rich, tall, humanitarian that's charitable and smart. He's pretty much the perfect man. Okay, fine. You're making us feel like shit does he have a podcast he does he does not have a podcast which makes him even better than us does he stay does he have the master bedroom oh yeah does he stay in the master he does have a master bedroom does he sleep in it though yes he does he have to share it with his roommate no actually how many roommates does he have? Yeah.

Like I split a three bedroom apartment. How many rooms, how many bedrooms is his apartment? I actually have zero idea, but I'm going to be completely honest. I think he might be better than you, Jake. Better than me in what regard? Because I'm worried that you'll say something like he's better. Like don't say in general. Of course, I am with you in terms of he's a better musician.

100% agree. Pound it out. Pound it. He's a better musician than me. But keep in mind that I have never even... What kind of music does he do? He does. He's like a DJ producer.

Like I've never even tried to be a DJ. So we don't know 100% for sure if he's better than me at that. Right. Because I might give it a shot and I could be a prodigy. I mean, we should try it out later. And who's taller. He is like six foot five.

And I'm six foot. I'm like six feet, but I've never stood back to back to him. So we're not exactly sure. He's like a basketball player. And I hate to bring it to you guys, but he's actually hilarious. How big is his dick though?

I would not know that information that's awesome thank you so much for coming on our show all right these are all you guys are really trying to get like some some views on this podcast like a lot of hym yeah thoughts on oh thoughts on calvin harris uh jake and i are going to australia we're doing live shows there oh you love australia i love australia so let me tell you where we're going. Okay, tell me. We have tickets still available for Brisbane and Sydney, Adelaide and Perth. And our Melbourne show is sold out. Woo! I love Melbourne.

I love all those cities. I did a festival called Laneway Festival. I also did Splendor in the Grass in Sydney. And Australia is always fun. Everyone loves to party. Everyone's happy. They're all beautiful and tan and lovely. It's all good.

So hopefully we get to see a lot of those people if they come to our show. The lovely tan ones are the ones that I'm interested in. Yeah. As long as they're lovely. And you're going, wait, when? That's great. Great question.

June 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and 14th. So is it winter there? It's like the end of fall. Oh. Fall, fall.th, and 14th. So is it winter there? It's like the end of fall. Oh. Fall, fall. Yeah, there you go. You're going to have so much fun. So jelly beans.

Well. So much love for Australia. Great. Well, thanks for giving the heads up. And we doubly appreciate you going on Australian radio shows with us to promote the tour. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. It's going to be super fun that we're going together.

You said your band is more popular in Australia than it is in America? to promote the tour oh yeah it's gonna be super fun that we're going together you said you said your your band is more popular in australia than it is in america um i don't know if it is for sure but i all i'll never forget we played like a festival we hadn't even released a record yet and uh we brought our parents on tour with us to australia because they had never been and we played uh splendor in the grass and we walked out and the crowd i've never seen a crowd go crazier like they're amazing literally they're like i thought that justin bieber was like behind me i literally like stopped and like looked behind me to see like what celebrity is behind me that everyone's freaking out about and the fact that they were going crazy for our band like my mom started hysterically crying and it was like the first

time that my parents were like you're actually doing something like they didn't really think that we were successful before that moment and then that happened and it was rad i can't i can't wait for that to happen to us i want to make my mom cry you do make her cry a lot but for a good reason oh yeah i guess that's the difference uh anything else oh we have a show in la on friday you do yeah may 8th friday may 8th and they're where at the hollywood improv there might still be tickets available to that can i get a ticket we'll put you on the list yeah for sure we'll give you half off tickets that's awesome yeah actually could you bring calvin i'd love for him to is that a dumbass request of course i want

to well i just want to compare us to each other. Right. How many push-ups can he do? You want to see how great... But is he in good shape? Have you seen the Armani ads? No, but I've... See, this is what I mean. He's in an Armani ad,

and I've never even been approached by Giorgio. Giorgio! Giorgio Armani, motherfucker. I know. That's his first name. Yeah, but I'm saying it's not fair. You can't compare me and Calvin Harris because he's been in Giorgio Armani ads and I haven't. Right.

I know. So what do you compare? I'm just saying that there's a reason why he's in Giorgio Armani ads. I don't follow. All right. We are already long, but we want to answer one more question. Yeah, yeah. Let's do rapid fire.

We've been on for so long. So let's get to the one last question. Yeah, yeah. Let's do a rapid fire. So let's get to the one last question real quick. You don't have to go anywhere, do you? No. Just a dinner with Ben. Ben and Calvin. Just a date with Ben. Calvin and Hobbes.

What? We were planning on coming. No. We could sit at a different table. All right. Dear, oh, what's this guy's name? Let's give him the name oh that's almost my middle name do you know amir's middle name no it's shmuel oh shmuel that's the correct we call him shmumu around here yeah there's actually there are three

different bedrooms here there's the master bedroom and then there's Shmoo-Moo's room. And then the third is a guest bedroom. Shmoo-Moo's room sounds like a TV show from Nick at Night. Yeah. It's a ride. It's also a ride at Universal Studios. Shmoo-Moo's room. Check out Shmoo-Moo's room. Halloween horror nights.

All right. Dear guys, I'm emailing you because I have commitment issues. I've been with my current girlfriend for six years and it seems to be going well. The only thing is I plan to start a family and I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time at this point. She has a lot of arm hair, a mustache, a kind of misshapen ass. Plus, she can barely has a she barely plus she barely has a grasp on the English language. I would have ended it sooner, but she kept sleeping with me, the coy diva. And it's hard to stop it when you can get it for nothing. Am I right, Jake? Ha. She's not the kind of girl I want as my wife or the mother of my children, but my dick has a stranglehold on my brain.

Should I try to change her or break it off? Love. Shmuala? What did you call him? Shmool. We can say Shmool. Shmoolo? Shmoolo.

All right, Shmoolo. This guy's talking so casually about a girl that he's been with for six years. I've got commitment issues. Wait, he's been with her for six years. Six years. Six years? Yeah. And he also says that he has commitment issues. That's the opposite.

I guess that is an issue with commitment. Like you've overcommitted to somebody that you don't like. Why is he only like shouting you out with the... Because I'm sort of an asshole womanizer piece of shit. Garbage man. Oh, are you? Yeah. I didn't catch that vibe from you when I walked in.

Really? How about now? I don't know. Maybe. The tide is turning um don't you guys get this feeling from people or this general trend is your first relationship lasts way way way way way too long and then your next one is like oh i pretty much know right right off the bat oh yeah well that's what dating not entirely what dating is but a big part of it is like learning your preferences and what kind of things you can compromise on yeah this

one this guy seems to have hashtag first girlfriend problems which is a girl that fucked him she was so sorry stuffed him he was so happy about it and now six years later i don't like this person i take issue with him like appealing to my sense of uh thinking with your dick because like it's for six years it's not like that's not sexy that you're getting laid at that point it's not there's nothing like oh man my dick's the boss of me no that's not true this is one level above being a virgin is having the same girlfriend for six years i keep getting it for free years. I keep getting it for free. You get it for free everywhere. It's always free.

Yeah. I mean, I guess not always, but it definitely should be. I am a firm believer that if you're not happy, you should just move on. That is a good general piece of advice for anything. Yeah. If you're no longer happy. But what about if you've invested so much time in someone, you're no longer happy?

You're like, but maybe working on it will make me happy in the long run. The thing is, if after six years and you're not, I mean, he's like really calling her out in this email with the arm hair. Yeah. This shape and ass, I think, is an unforgivable offense. On her part. Such an asshole. I think that's a dick move to call her out on her physical features.

Honestly, the thing that I worry about is if you're unhappy with someone, usually that leads to cheating and lying and all that stuff. I feel like there's a point in time where you just kind of have to, if you're not happy, life is too short and you've got to just kind of move on. There you have it. Jake, what's your bit of advice? I'll steal that.

You're not happy? What did you say? Life's too short. Sorry, I'm high. What's the shirt? Yeah. Keep it spicy. Keep it spicy.

I feel like if he's not, he's mentioned that he's not attracted to three parts of her physically um and also that he that she doesn't speak english yeah so i wonder what's good aside from the fact that she lets him put his penis in her and if she knew what he said and thought about her he was she would break up let him put his, for sure. Put his penis in her. All right, so. I say this chick should break up with him. Yeah.

You don't have the girlfriend you deserve. Yeah, break up with ShmooMoo. All right, so break it off. Sad girl. Our advice is to play this part of the podcast for your girlfriend. Yeah. So she sees what kind of an asshole you are. Straight up.

Would you say break it off like that Taylor Swift song? You mean shake it off? Oh taylor swift song you mean shake it off oh no wow break it off that's a different song yeah um i say break it off uh all right cool and shake it off in that order yeah alana do you have anything to promote you're you're you are broadcasting to what could be a hundred thousand very impressionable tweenagers or it could be four yeah we don't know that's the beauty of we're actually not recording your mic is not plugged in interesting um what to promote i want to promote love and oh that's beautiful your new album Love this is the nicest thing anybody's ever promoted

on the podcast I want to put Love and Peace and my Twitter account Love, Peace and at Babyheim at Babyheim on all forms

of social media no I'm a big Jake and Amir fan I'm happy to be here oh gosh also did JJ Reddick ever tweet back at you?

JJ Reddick never tweeted me back and I'm really bummed about it but I'm I have a feeling that if the Clippers win the next game, I'm going to tweet at JJ again, and maybe he'll shine some light on my vibe. I think that's a good thing to look for. Maybe we can ask people to retweet you.

That way it's less easy to ignore. Anyone listening to this podcast, everyone tweet at JJ Redick saying, please. I think it's at JJ Reddick. I think that's it. Do at JJ Reddick, comma, at Baby Haim loves you. Let's be friends.

That's not too much to ask. So little to ask. I don't think it's too much to ask that our friends should be friends with JJ Reddick. I'm just trying to get some floor seats at Clippers games. It's not that big of a deal.

All right. Thanks Alana for coming on the show. No problem. Thanks for having me. And thanks to you guys for listening. If you have your own questions, go to email ifirerewshow at gmail.com. We also open and close every episode

with an original theme song. The opening one was by Sam G. And this last one is by Daryl thomas so thanks sam g thanks daryl thomas thanks alana thank you appreciate it you should come back you were good i will come back yeah okay cool maybe bring your sisters i will all right cool thank you maybe you can no it's stupid calvin is all right we'll talk about it after the show thanks so much bye bragging much, dude. Call you the bragging dragon. You spit fire and self

aggrandizing the bragging dragon. I should call you Brandon. Brandon. Like a marketing boy. Not from a guy. No, no. Brandon you as a

bragging dragon. No job money. Brandon you as a bragging dragon. Good job, money in. Branding you as a bragging dragon. Good job, money in. Branding you as a bragging dragon. Good job, money in. All right.

Let's get started. Pussy. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.