Segments - 152: Litmus Test

Episode Date: May 7, 2015

In this episode we discuss when to break up, when to stay together, and demons. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, TrunkClub.com, and Squarespace.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And I'll let you get through it as soon as you tell me. Thank you. Point blank that you will be my teacher and I will be your student. I'll be your teacher and you'll be the student. And will I end up a scholar like you? I don't fucking know, man. Probably not. Because whenever I try to teach you shit, you stare at me and you smile. I don't listen well. You don't fucking know man probably not because whenever i try to teach you shit you

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indeed get real. We had a lot, a lot, probably too much fun this started. Bonus Thursday episode. Things did indeed get real. We had a lot, a lot, probably too much fun this episode. And it showed. Yes. what i would do if for me i were you if for me i were you should i come yes pop punk covers are better than real songs because they sound better than the songs that they're based on it's a cover what is that a cover of the one the first theme song that you did isn't it if i were oh no this is cover the stoney song yeah oh yeah it's the discover it's the cover of the stoney theme song a pop punk cover of a song that somebody else made for us yeah that's the best um have you ever heard like a pop punk cover and then you're like oh this song

is great and then you heard the original you're like whoa this is like a slow version of that song. Like New Found Glories, I Will Fight for Your, oh, Glory of Love. Right. Because I am the man who will fight for your honor. There's always something there to remind me. You know that song before the original. Definitely. Same with 99 Red Balloons, I think. Oh, yeah.

Both those songs are pretty awesome. 99 Red Balloons is good. There's no yeah. Both those songs are pretty awesome. 99 Red Balloons is good. There's no pop punk cover that's worse than the original. Isn't that cool? I would say the New Found Glory one is worse. So you like the German Red Balloons more than the English Red Balloons, more than the pop punk cover of Red Balloons. Definitely the best one is the German.

Actually, the pop punk cover, he sings a German verse one is the german yeah actually the pop punk uh cover he sings a german verse oh does he yeah it's pretty good uh who sings that one the pop punk cover the german inch maybe goldfinger or something yeah goldfinger i definitely see it in like my old winamp player yeah remember winamp yeah with like the and you could do the different skins yeah what was your win amp skin the guy with the head yeah that was a really good win amp skin this actually this episode is actually brought to you by a website that just does win amp skins funny that that used to be like the way that could be like that used to be cool like i want to i want to be able to choose my own design

to make it look worse yeah i want like i want to just trust whatever the app is to look dope gather around children let us tell you about all this slightly old technology time of your Now we're like, I want to just trust whatever the app is to look dope. Gather around, children. Let us tell you about all this slightly old technology. The time of yore. When they left it up to the user and we made it look bad. Remember Maxter? Maxter was the pinnacle of digital media. This guy who wrote this song, the pop punk cover that we did play,

his name is Alexander Melton. And he does pop punk covers to a bunch of stuff. I haven't looked at this link yet, but I'm gonna, because he said he does pop punk covers of songs from Taylor Swift and One Direction, et cetera. And his channel name is Vacation Room Studio. What? His channel name on YouTube is Vacation Room Studio. What? His channel name on YouTube

is Vacation Room Studio. I guess you know how to spell all the names, so it's not the worst channel name. Our secondary source of income is critiquing channel names. Vacation Room Studio gets a solid B- from us. We should be consultants. Of ourselves.

Don't consultants make a lot of money? Yeah. Or is that just sultans? Consultants and sad sultans are the two people that make the most money. What's the con to being a sultan? I want to know the con, sultan. Consultants do make a lot of money for people like, I wonder why people just don't tell consultants,

then you do it. Because that's all they do. They go around me like i would do this differently and this differently like all right but you haven't done anything at all yeah you just it's like being a critic yeah can the best movie critic write a good movie no didn't roger ebert we're just free associating never ending before this podcast we're just like this is just a podcast of wikipedia things also we're just free associating, never ending this conversation. We got high before this podcast. We're just like, this is just a podcast of Wikipedia things. Also, we're just asking each other opinions and neither of us know.

Didn't Roger Ebert write a movie? I don't know. Yes. I really think he did. But if you can critique something so well, shouldn't you be able to create something? I don't know. You could critique somebody's basketball playing skills, but that doesn't you you could like uh critique somebody's uh basketball playing skills but it doesn't mean you would know how to play basketball yeah what's the difference

between what you're because i think what you're saying is dumb and what i'm saying is really smart so i'm trying to figure out why that is uh oh i got it one is based on athletic ability and the other one is just uh no a different creative talent an innate talent that's that's basketball it's not all athletic ability yeah it is it's not 100 athletic ability like it's not i can throw a tight spiral no you can't i don't need to dude uh do you want i just opened up this guy's band uh youtube page should we listen to one sure uh okay as long as we're never starting the actual podcast yeah yeah we can never start the actual podcast this is a bonus thursday episode so it's like whatever you guys we don't even have to answer a question yeah yeah yeah if we never feel like it uh i'm trying to find a a song that i know

oh taylor swift we are never getting back together pop punk version yeah sure let's do it let's listen to a bit of that taylor swift you've been one i'm sorry i challenge you to write a song that was better than that she did write that song. Well, she wrote it. Then he made it better. Now it's her turn. Can you make it more pop punky?

This is a good age test. If that sounded like garbage trash to you, you were probably born before 1983 or after 1992. And if that sounded really good to you you were born in that decade interesting so that's like a good litmus test what do you think litmus is made of where did that come from what is a litmus i mean i can look it up right now if you want i guess cool yeah litmus is a water soluble mixture of dyes extracted from lichens so it's it's uh it was first used in 1300 ad uh when the blue dye was extracted from lichens and do you know what the guy who extracted it said what he said witness the litmus really yeah that was because that's

not on the wikipedia test witness the litmus he. It says the main use of litmus is to test whether a solution is acidic or basic. Yeah. He said, hey, litmus, will you witness the litmus? And then what happened there? I guess he put his foot in his, I don't know. He said, is it acidic or basic? Is it, can you trace it? Is it acidic or basic? Is it, can you trace it? Is it acidic or basic?

Can you trace it back to? Can you trace it back to Bassetracin? To what? Trace it back to Bassetracin. What's that? What's Bassetracin? Yeah. You don't know what Bassetracin is?

I do not. Oh, it's kind of like Neosporin. Oh, Bassetracin. What did I say? I don't know what Bassetracin is? I do not. It's kind of like Neosporin. Oh, Bassetracin. What did I say? I don't know. I'm repeating what you said. Sorry, yeah, Bassetracin. Like, okay.

Neosporin and Bassetracin. I think they're like... They said, witness this litmus. Is it acidic or basic? Can you trace it back to Bassetracin? Yeah. Or are we just chasing Jason? Who's Jason?

Jason was his son. I really, really like who we're doing now. This is the laziest we've ever been on the podcast. What is this show? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Amir. No, you're not. Fine. We receive emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives, and they need our advice.

Sometimes we ramble for 10 minutes at the top of the show, and sometimes we get right into it. Like today. Yeah. We are laser-focused. All we did was dabble. We listened to a few songs. We found out what litmus meant when it started.

I still don't know what that is. Actually, let's go back to that page. The 1300s? Can you spell Bassetracin? I guess I would guess it's B-A-C-I-T-R-A-C-I-N. Oh, yeah. Bassetracin. Oh, wow. oh wow commercially manufactured by growing the bacteria bacillus subtilis tracy one in a container of liquid growth medium the antibiotic is then it's extracted from the medium using chemical processes

could this be a different podcast is just a guy wikipedia hopping so it's like his train of thought but also he's learning things yeah i mike carnell actually told me about that he had that idea for a podcast oh really uh but like his thing was that he would just get stoned and then uh it was i don't know i think it was called the rabbit hole oh that's just like he's high and he just goes through the internet and finds out about weird things and he like reads it out loud one thing to another yeah all right note to self the rabbit hole as a podcast it's a good idea it's a solid idea uh all right let's give let's start reading emails and trying to help people uh these are real emails from real people.

We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. I just wanted to mention real quickly, in case we forget, our Los Angeles show tomorrow is sold out. So fuck off if you want to come. Unless you bought a ticket, then come. Yeah, please do come if you bought a ticket. We have a show in Montreal, Canada now. We're going to be at Just for Laughs Comedy Festival.

Just announced. We're hosting four comedy shows and doing one live podcast. Not exactly sure what the details are, but ha-ha-ha.com should have it. Solid URL. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha.com.

They started early. Sick. They got it. And then we're also still going to Australia. Melbourne show. Melbourne show sold out. Every other show is still available. More information at ifireashow.com.

All right. What name should we give this person? Litmus. I love that. Thanks. It is I, Sir Litmus. Hi, y'all. I'm a 16-year-old from Scotland, and I am in a bit of a sticky sitch.

So me and my girlfriend split up a few months ago because I had feelings for another girl, which later went away and resulted in me and my girlfriend getting back together. Cut to now, and my feelings for this other girl has come back, and I no longer like my girlfriend at all. She will be very upset with this, so I don't want to split with her just now as she's doing exams, and it would distract her a lot. Also, when we got back together,

her mom said that she'd come to my house and slap me if I broke up with her again during her exams. I'm also pretty sure that this other girl likes me as we speak a lot in class and on Facebook. I'm thinking about sure that this other girl likes me as we speak a lot in class and on Facebook. I'm thinking about doing it this summer holiday, which is two months from now, but I'm not sure. I know you guys have had similar questions to this on the show before, but I believe mine is different. Thanks in advance, Litmus. All right, Litmus. Very different. So, all right let's very different so the issue of when to break up with someone well it is funny that he's like i liked a different girl and then i broke up with my girlfriend then i got back

together with her and i like this girl again isn't that odd it seems like you just only like this girl when you can't have her right well i think it's weird to like act on your feelings so much. Like I had feelings for someone else. So I broke up with my girlfriend. And then those feelings went away. So I got back together with my girlfriend. And wouldn't you know? Now I don't like her.

Just either, I don't know. Your feelings are kind of dumb sometimes. I feel like there has to be a conversation that you have with your feelings when they come up. Oh, like you don't have to act on your feelings all the time. Not blindly. I act on my feelings a lot. But I feel like there's got to be a sort of a checks and balances system in place. So who are the three bodies?

What's the executive, judicial, legislative branch of your body? I think it's heart, mind mind and soul what about dick being one of them dick is my soul okay so our mind and dick soul well i mean dick is sort of heart dick is everything oh dick oh dick is god yeah dick is president and then three... So imagine a marionette puppet where the heart is like the legs, and the mind is the arms, and the soul is the head. And then the puppet master, the hand that holds it all together, is a dick and balls. And he's just sort of making that puppet go hither and thither,

high and nigh, left and right. It's funny that the dick is your master. Yeah, the dick is truly the master. Because sometimes I've seen my dick when it's like the king he was born to be. He is the man. When he's like rock hard, ready to go, top of the world, a little bit drunk, but not too drunk. He is a joystick of himself.

Yes. He is a controlling dick god. But then you also see your god in the morning or something after you've masturbated the night before and you wake up and it's just a shriveled little nothing nobody with a little fleck of toilet that's right it is a dry cold and that is who your true dick is your dick is truly a battered abused uh lukewarm sausage of himself yes he has a wolf in sheep's clothing and the sheep is a cheap condom it truly is a cheap sheep and the dick is a limp master so uh anyway when you have feelings you check in with everybody you say heart what do you think mind what do you think

soul what do you think dick i know i get it you think calm down things all the time so uh and then you know if you're still thinking like hey i really don't like my girlfriend i really want to see where this other thing goes then you break up with your girlfriend so breaking up is like passing a bill you need like two-thirds of the the heart vote and then like it has to go to the head and then the head has to not. Sometimes the head can veto it. Sure. He can be like, oh, listen, I know heart wants something, but let's stay rational here. This girl likes you.

She's actually, it's a very practical, good decision. Maybe we should start a family together. I will veto my heart. I don't think head can veto heart and soul. Oh, so who can veto the other two? Dick is the only thing on the body with veto power and executive action. Holy shit. Dick can pick up the phone. Dick has the nuclear launch codes, too.

Dick has the codes? He really does have a code. And he can launch the nukes very well. He sure can, and he has. Or he is the master. For he is a nuke of himself, the dick. Oh, he is a mushroom- of himself the dick oh he is a mushroom shaped cloud in itself very true meaning i think this guy can break up with his girlfriend if he's like really not feeling it

if you like somebody else but you have to say that means i can't get back together with my girlfriend because you always will second guess that kind of decision just to bring it back to that pop punk song would you say that she should have never ever gotten back together oh wow that's really interesting talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me yeah uh now that he is together should he wait to break up with her do you believe in waiting definitely not just break up it's not his problem believe in waiting? No, definitely not. Just break up. It's not his problem, would you say? It is his problem, but you're making it worse by staying together. But what if it's like, oh, she's going through a tough stretch right now?

There's never a good time to break up with somebody. But during school is worse. The end of school is worse than summer break. Oh, she has exams coming up. Why don't we just let her focus on that and then break up with her after summer break you never really end up doing that though because like when you're you're not invested in a relationship it's not like you're the boyfriend that that that person deserves at this time and like exams aren't going to be stressful because you're a pillar of support you're going to be cold disconnected uncaring that's going to confuse somebody and they're going to be stressed out about their relationship.

They're going to say, hey, is something wrong? And you say, no, everything's fine. And they're going to be very, very distracted from the exams by you. You're saying it's impossible to actually, once you decide to break up with someone, sweep it under the rug so much that it seems fine until you are ready to break up. I think it's very, very hard.

But not impossible. I don't think anything's impossible. I believe in the power of the universe. Absolutely. For the dick is the true master. If he decides it should wait, then it shall be so. The dick is the Lord, my God. And oh my God.

The creator and the destroyer. So what would you do if you were him? Do it right away? Yeah, I would break up with this girl now if i didn't like her i would wait you don't want you don't want to give her any more anger ammunition and it seems like the mom's gonna be really mad at you so if you wait and then it's like hey i'm sorry i was distant but i really didn't want to do it during your exams i don't think she can get mad at that i would get really mad at that she was i would say wow you stayed with me a month longer than you wanted to and you led me

that's right you feel like a fucking idiot when people do that yeah but i i thought i would do that because your mom said she would slap me if i did it again great so now i'm mad at you and my mom but that doesn't matter because i i no longer am in a relationship with you i think i've done i've done the maximum. You're saying you don't care about her feelings then. No, no, no. I care about them enough to delay it so that it doesn't ruin her academia. That's not caring about someone's feelings.

Yes, it is. No, it's not. Because I don't want to make her fail her tests. That's halfway caring about somebody's feelings. That's caring about your own feelings. No. You don't want to feel guilty by making her fail her exams. But wouldn't it be easier for me to just do it right now and say, I don't care about your exams?

No, it's the hardest thing because you don't want to do it right now. You think there's going to be a more convenient time for you to do it and you'll feel better when you do it at this other time because she'll feel better. There's never a world where she's like, thank you for waiting till after my exams. This was great. This is exactly what I needed to be broken up with. You're putting words in my mouth and I frankly do appreciate it. 100% honesty in this situation. And I think sometimes a little white lie can go a long way.

I agree. I also like the white lie occasionally. I think when it comes to breaking up or staying together nobody wants to feel like they got duped you didn't i didn't get duped baby i just didn't want you to distract it i wanted you to focus on your exams now that the summer is upon us go off have a good day enjoy the enjoy the june july and august weeks see this is what i don't like you're the gatekeeper of somebody else's feelings when you do that, too. I promised her mom. And now the mom's going to slap me.

You would deserve to be slapped in this situation. If I waited, I would deserve to be slapped. Yeah. I don't know what to say, man. I think I disagree. And not only that, I think I'm right. Hey, let's call for the vote on the podcast. How do we do that?

We've done it before. This is only the second. We don't disagree often. Sure. With the meddling. Yeah. Okay, how about you tweet your answer at us? Tweet your answer.

A, I think you should do it right now, and I don't care about this girl's exams. Or B, why don't you wait until after the exams? Don't say my answer. I'm just saying those are the two options. I don't care about the girl's exams, or B, why don't you wait until after the exams? Don't say my answer. I'm just saying those are the two options. I don't care about the exams. I care about the exams, fine. You care more about the human being.

It's better to break up immediately. Okay, and I say it's better to break up after the exams. Okay. I'd love to hear what you guys think. Please, please write it down on a napkin and throw it away because the second you guys get a fucking podcast is the second i give a shit about any of your opinions all right really easy to start a podcast shit uh no please do tweet it at jake and amir or at jake herwitz uh let jake know that i'm right tweet it at both of us so we so we can actually

tabulate the results yeah and don't just root for root for Jake because I've been like extra abrasive and confident in my answer. Like don't let that sway you. Yeah. Well, you should sway them a little bit because they see what kind of person promotes that. You're answering it in a kind of gentle way, but you're actually making it worse. And I'd hate for people to just see the envelope that you're delivering and not the actual content of the package. Well, at least there is a package coming from my end.

You would just have him not say a word. You've gotten a nice velvet red box, and you've taken a diarrhea shit in it. And it looks really nice when it comes in, and then she opens it, and it smells like hot diarrhea. Tell you what, they're both packages of shit, but would you rather open the shit and throw it away immediately or would you rather would you rather let the shit linger in a closet for a year i'd rather then you get it i'd rather focus on my exams do well on my studies and then drop the bomb after the fact you think you couldn't do well on your exams if you got broken up with yeah i think that that

creates a part of my brain that has to deal with this thing, and I can't focus on the studying if I'm dealing with a breakup at the same time. What if you're just dealing with a bad relationship? Well, she doesn't know that it's a bad relationship. It's a bad relationship if somebody wants to break up with someone. But not if the other person doesn't know about it as long as she's living in an ignorant blissful existence during the exams then i i think it'll be more worth it to break up with her after the exams piece of shit sorry uh i need another i need another woman's name. Amir Blumenfeld. Yeah, right.

Yeah, dude. How about a girl's name? Like Jacob, or not Jacob, but Jessica. No way. It's too close to Jacob. That's right. Two J names. Jessica. All right, Jessica writes,

so I've been home from school for a summer break for about a week now, and everything's been pretty chill, But recently things have gotten not chill. My brother just turned 14 and I think he's pretty normal as normal is going to get. Recently he's been acting weird as shit. Now this boy know that I'm into scary movies and shit and he has literally been acting like he's possessed for the past couple of days. One night I came downstairs and he has literally been acting like he's possessed for the past couple of days one night i came downstairs and he was just staring into the stove in the dark at first i'm like whatever he's just being stupid but when i called his name he wouldn't answer me i went to i went about my

business and was cleaning my room which is in the back of the house that night now i had to go around the corner to throw to throw some stuff away and he was standing around the corner in the dark hallway with a sock on his hand. Whatever, that's normal, I thought. But then he started to bang on the wall for no reason. Then I went around the corner one more time and he was standing there in the dark doorway with scissors in his hand like he wanted to kill me. Now I'm 99% sure that he's not possessed and he's just fucking with me but how could i make 100 sure that he isn't actually possessed by some demon should i call a priest or something because i'm not about that life deuces jessica Jessica. Jessica. I'm almost 100% sure he's not a demon, but how can I be 100% sure? He's being a little annoying for sure. Might be a demon living inside him. There might be a small devil man living in him. Obviously that sounds insane. That's why why i'm 99 sure that he is in fact probably

not an imp he does probably not need to be exercised but what if the spirit of satan is inhabiting my little brother a poltergeist if you will what if he is a ghoul of himself he's a ghoul gremlin goblin man a kind of apparition uh the odds are so slim i don't even want to entertain the notion but if it happens a hundred times oneition the odds are so slim I don't even want to entertain the notion but if it happens a hundred times one of the times he will be in fact a ghost man what if he is indeed a ghoul what do I do

if he is in fact possessed by a demon he was staring into a stove he was holding a sock he was banging a wall he is the spawn of Satan yes that is correct i do believe he is he's possessed oh my god by by the devil incarnate there's no other reason he'd be staring into his stove he walks among us he's not trying to just fuck with you, Jessica.

He's probably a devil man today. Hey, but I know all brothers are a pain in the ass, but my little brother's a Satan. Of the ass. My annoying brother, the ghoul. It's like a failed Disney pilot. Subject, my possessed brother. So it sounds like she's sort of getting into the idea that he is indeed possessed.

A good way to know if he's possessed or not is that he can't be possessed, so he's not possessed. Yeah. Like possessed isn't an actual thing that happens. Right. I know he was staring into a stove, but there's a chance he's just trying to mess with you jesse right what you have to do is just like really dumb i um just coming as a as a brother who fucks with people a lot i think this is what you do next time he's like really freaking out like looking at the stove not saying anything or like holding a pair of scissors yeah

just go up and fart on him oh it really breaks the ice the heat from your colon really breaks the ice like tickle him do something stupid yeah something stupid and sweet right so um so that'll that'll break that'll break the tension that will he if he i don't think you can keep a straight face if you bend over and farted on his stomach. Yeah. He disappears. Yeah, that's the thing. If he does keep a straight face through that, then you'll know that he is a demon. He is for sure a demon. That's one way.

That's that litmus test. All right. He's not the devil, but he might be. Fart onto something. Fart on him. That's your advice for everything. All right. Let's take a break. And then we'll come back with more.

If I were you. If I were you. If I tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Show.com. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes yes yes easy to

create easy to sell easy to promote squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but

ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS

to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS

when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before

the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right.

I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Enough. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced

things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players,

check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Whoa-za. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick 6 app now and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits only on DraftKings Pick 6.

The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon, Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions.

Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos.

There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. We're back. Wow, quick. Jake is the devil. I saw him climbing on a wall like a spider. Then he turned to me. He blinked his eyes horizontally, and hissed.

Black steam came out of his mouth, and a web came out of his tailbone. So I'm just a spider. I'm not possessed by anything. I'm not a ghoul or a ghost. You think I'm a spider. His thing is funny. It's like what people used to do while they booed.

Yeah. Boo, boo. I think I'm a spider. Hissing is funny. It's like what people used to do while they booed. Yeah. Boo, boo. And then there's the one guy that's just like. You have to be a snake to do. That's how much distaste I have for this act. It's pretty cool. I hiss on you.

Have we taken the break yet or no? Yeah, that was the break. We took it? When I stopped for a second, that's all. We'll put the ad in. Cool. This is the 150 second podcast. Wow.

Yeah. I'm just saying you should know how it works. But we didn't pause. Oh, oh, we haven't taken like the break. Like we took a beat and that's where the ad will go. And then this is like the break section where we just sort of chat. I'm saying it didn't feel like we took a beat when you said we're going to take a break because we immediately started singing. Oh, no, show.com,

and then it'll be a pause, and then I said, all right, we're back. That's all the pause you need, huh? Yeah, it just needs to be at 1 30th of a second. I can sneak it in there. Yeah, I guess I know that,

but like every other time we've ever done that, just for those of you guys listening at home, a little behind the scenes, we paused for maybe five or 10 seconds. And this time we didn't.

No. We just went right into it. The newsletter is going really well. We're really excited about the newsletter. If you haven't signed up yet, great opportunity to now. Go to jakeandamir.com or ifireyoushow.com. We've sent out one a week for the last three weeks. Videos we never posted but were made eight years ago.

Pictures that you may not have seen. Information about new shows that, like, you would have already known about our Montreal show if you were subscribed to the newsletter. Yeah, or if you missed out on this L.A. show, we announced it in the newsletter. That's right. We reminded people. We told you. Pictures from our phone, old phone pictures that we've forgotten about and found. Here's a question.

Do we have, if you sign up for the newsletter now, can you see the other three previous newsletters? You can't, but there is a URL that I will put on our website that shows the last three. You can like click on each one. It's like a website. MailChimp is pretty polished.

We should have them advertise with us. Oh yeah, that's from Serial. Maybe should have them advertise with us. Oh, yeah. That's from Serial. Yeah. Maybe they could sponsor Rabbit Hole. Cool. Who would be a good host for Rabbit Hole? Well, I feel like Mike would have to do it since it was Serial.

No, he's a good co-creator, but I'd really like to have a unique, authentic voice behind it. Someone like me. that is the voice i think i should host it i'm the champion you don't smoke weed champion i don't have to smoke weed that's the point of rabbit hole i'll eat a edible you ate one edible once and you fell asleep for 19 days that was the best podcast ever a podcast where it's just me snoring would you think i would snore based on how i look uh yes well not how you look but if i hung around you for a little bit because you're a mouth breather and that's all it takes i think snorers are big people and i'm not a big person but i still snore well the reason you snore i think is because you you're a back sleeper aren't

you uh i'm a side sleeper i think if you sleep with your mouth open i don't remember exactly but if you sleep with your mouth open you're more prone to snoring right i hear your phone a little bit um i think sleeping with your mouth closed is one of the hardest like i can't do you sleep with your mouth closed i don't snore i Like I can't, do you sleep with your mouth closed? I don't snore. I think that's so hard. Like one, breathing through your mouth, breathing through your nose for eight hours like that

seems really, really hard for me. And then also like, I feel like it takes extra effort to have your mouth closed. Like when I'm completely at rest, I'm slack jawed. How do people- Other people don't have that. Yeah, it's just like naturally shut i guess that's a butt huh if you're stay with me for a second yeah

yeah i'm sure of it now what i'll tell you what uh jesus christ this is so cool to have this epiphany on the podcast if you're not this shut you're a butt I think yeah I really do think so you were like

really milking that pause but everyone knew what you were gonna say wait wait wait wait yeah yeah okay

go ahead and say it yes I mean there's no other way to do it but I think here it is and And it feels like, God, I feel like I'm airing my dirty laundry. You're not. You already aired it, by the way.

You said it, then said you had to put it in one second. I will be, but you haven't talked. Close your eyes and open your minds. Ready? If your mouth is shut, and there's literally no other way to say it but the way i'm gonna do it ruining it because it sort of needs to be said all at once i know you're a butt and let me like that was put together simply put together actually to put it simply quite factually oh my god it's so cool all right so here listen top. You're overselling. I'm not overselling it. I'm under delivering it. If your mouth is to be closed or sorry. Rewind. If your mouth is shut.

Yes. You nailed it. Yeah. Okay. Back or part one. If your mouth is shut. End of chat. Don't say part two.

Don't say it. Just pause it. All right. So if your mouth is shut. Pregnant. Don't say part two. Don't say it. Just pause it. All right. If your mouth is shut, pregnant pause. No, don't say it. Just do it. Ready? Here we go.

If your mouth is shut, just do it. You are. I am no. Stop it. Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Say it.

Say it. If your, say what? If your mouth is shut. Is shut. Actually, I'll just say it once and then you'll say it after me. I don't want you to say it because I think I came up with it. If your mouth is shut it's shut actually i'll just say it once and then i don't want you to say it because i think i came up if your mouth is shut i get to say it all right go ahead here we go if your mouth is shut you we have to take a break what take one more sponsor take a break you're a butt it's perfect it's not it rhymes yeah but like it doesn't really mean anything to anybody that didn't hear the whole entire lead in.

Because then like your mouth can be shut at any time. Quiet while addressing the master. I am the master. And I will not be spoken to that way. You're right. I'm sorry. Salute me. I apologize.

I'm going to. Salute. You're right, I'm sorry. Salute me. I apologize. I'm going to. Salute. You're saluted. Stand down, soldier. I am already sitting down, master. Thank you. All right. One last question? Sure.

This one is very red. Hmm? Hmm. Hmm? Hmm? All right. This one was written in all caps. So we need a girl's name. Tracy. Like Basset Tracy.

Basset Tracy. Right. Keep in mind, this is all caps. Hey guys, just want to say I love you guys. I'm in a bit of a pickle though. I met a guy about two months ago at a club and we went back home to his place. We did the do and it was awesome. We've been texting and seeing each other almost every weekend since.

What I thought was a playful little hookup thing seems to be evolving into something more serious or at least i think it is i don't really know which is why i need your help like he makes romantic he makes romantic gestures sometimes like waking me up early to walk on a trail as the sun was rising and it was hella romantic. Also, after a long session of hardcore fucking, we cuddle and snuggle affectionately. I've had breakfast with him. I've explored the town with him. It seemed kind of relationship-y. I've had fuck buddies before in the past and this don't seem like one of those kind of relationships. He's super nice and always calls me beautiful but am i just being naive is he taking advantage of my overly girly romance loving nature does he only enjoy fucking me i'm so lost i'm

starting to catch feelings for this guy but i don't want to get my heart broken help me out peace love tracen tracen so it sounds like she's only had fuck buddies before so this thing is really throwing her for a loop what's going on we went on a hike i think it as the sun was rising town for christ's sake and i don't fucking get it we fuck and then he's affectionate afterwards yeah not just before is he nice to me afterwards he'll do things like cuddle affectionately yeah you're not naive this is pretty normal of a relationship when a guy likes you he he he introduced me to his parents what the fuck is going on he put a ring on my finger like is this official if if our wedding date is in a year? Are we engaged?

We're making placements and shit. And I just don't even know what to think. It's hella tight. But also, is he using me? Yeah, or is he just going to pump and dump me once we say that we are in a legally binding contract of marriage? We're engaged to wed. We're married to each other. And we have a child of us. You don't use somebody for their pussy after you've slept with them a bunch like you wouldn't

be nice to them just to have sex with them right because you already had sex with them so that's when i feel like you you're the you know the the stereotype is that you're nice and datey and you think you show somebody that you want something more than a relationship then you have sex and then you pull away when it's going the other way when you're fucking and then he's taking you out on romantic strolls and cuddling you affectionately and still fucking you as well then that's that's it that's the way it's supposed to go that's that's normal that's the use uh the cuddling seems like it could go either way like what else are you supposed to do even if it's just of course cuddling for sure either way but like waking her up early for a sunrise sunrise hike after you fucked the person like

if you if you're not into that person you save that move for somebody you haven't fucked yet yeah you know what i'm saying oh my god he's stuck he's a stork today i've turned into a crow you're a crane of yourself a fraser based crane of yourself um so don't worry lady it doesn't seem like he's just an f buddy it seems like he he likes you for real yeah if you like someone well the first thing you like about them is physical. You want to bone them. And then it's like, oh, in addition to that, I like their personality. I want to take them on an odd daytime hike.

First you want to fuck their body, then you want to fuck their mind. And lastly? Their soul. And suddenly, their heart. And then you can blow their god, a.k.a. their dick away. That is correct. For he is the puppet master. He is the true master.

In fact, I want my god to not be attached to me. He is more important than that. Hey, dude, put that down. No. Oh, my god. That was sick. Fly, god. Fly.

Throwing it like a wet pasta on the wall just to see if it sticks christ dude and the show uh yeah that's our time thanks so much to everybody for writing in do let us know uh i am still curious if you guys would would delay that breakup or do it right away tear it off like a band-aid uh if you have your own questions for us uh or your own theme song submissions or your own facebook thumbnail submissions, we are still needing your artwork, 600 by 315 ideally, but we'll take what we can get. Everything and anything is to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Thanks to Alex for the opening pop punk theme song to start the show. And this one is Sam W. to close the show out.

We'll be back on Monday. And if you don't listen to us on Monday, don't fucking give us that pity Tuesday shit. The Tuesday podcast slot. What's more important than that? It's fine if you listen to us on a Tuesday. Tuesday is fine, but that's honestly, let's cut it off there.

Whenever you want to listen, that's great. As long as, just do it before. If it's after a week, like you might as well just be tuning in. Anytime. Thank you and we appreciate your support. We really do appreciate it. Do it fast, do it often.

Do it twice. Yeah, yeah. Did you leave a review on iTunes? Leave a couple more. Hey. Jake is a really chill dude. Amir is a really chill dude Amir is a really lame Jew They're gonna answer some questions

And put you on blast if they need to So if you're dating a dime Or committed a crime And you don't know what to do Listen to a show that's hashtag dope It's called If I Were You If I were you If I were you

Well, I'd say toadah and seize the cheese If I were you If I were you show.com, motherfucker