Segments - 153: Mint (live at the Improv!)

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

In this episode we discuss cool kids, calling cards, and guns. Recorded live at the Improv in Hollywood, CA! This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com and Squarespace.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and save extra when you bundle. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. You jumping the horn, buddy. I'm jumping the horn? Absolutely.

Jumping the gun, rounding the horn. You're ahead of the curve and behind the eight ball. Don't tell me I'm jumping the horn. You are jumping the horn, absolutely. I apologize.

I didn't know I was going to jump Let me get through the website. Tony P. No, no, no, no, no. Ethan R. Again. You are ahead of the gun. What am I doing?

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samples and if you do check out naturebox.com slash if i were you and get those free snacks or even get a nature box to call your very own uh forward us that receipt and we'll read your name next time we endorse nature box as a personal thank you from us to you how'd you like that so jake do you have the names i do not what i don't have the list you were reading them i wasn't reading that i was making that shit up jesus the top of the dome all right do you have any other ones that you can make up i'll make up from the top from before what i was thinking gavin g cassandra p tony p ethan r danielle j matt l doran o brady g katherine s and alex m alex m so many people so many fans of ours have tried nature box have liked nature box some of you have not yet doesn't it sound delicious to try eating sriracha roasted cashews wouldn't you like to send a snack on

blueberry almonds wouldn't you like to sample the dark chocolate nom noms and the white cheddar and caramel corn i legit house yeah you went through the whole thing it was so fucking good it's like actually half white cheddar popcorn half caramel corn if you're listening, NatureBox, y'all stop using the ad to beg for free popcorn. I'm not asking for free popcorn. I'm asking for free white cheddar and caramel popcorn. Can I have some more? Y'all listen. Yeah.

Molly. Molly. You listening, Molly? Molly, if you're listening to the ad right now. They're not right now. What do you think? There's a live feed? If you're listening to the podcast today, Monday, whatever, or Tuesday.

I don't know or care when you listen to the podcast. Just that you do, Molly. Molly, will you send me some white cheddar and caramel popcorn? Good. You got that out. And for the other... Jesus Christ, that's enough. Can I give her the address so she knows where she can send it? Email her. For everybody else listening, check out naturebox.com slash ifireyou. This one was fun. It was our live

podcast in Los Angeles, California, recorded just two days ago. Amazing. This is borderline live. And online for you guys to enjoy right away. Things did get real, so let's get started. Put it together for Jake and Amir! Hey! Hey, everybody! All right.

Which one am I? Go off. Say it. I can take it as long as it's not the second one. You want to be the ampersand. I want to be the ampersand. I deserve it. Guys, welcome for...

Guys, hey, I'm going to go back out. We'll edit that part out. Thank you so much for coming. Let's give it up for you guys. Yeah. And let's give it up for us, Drake and a Queer. Namaste. Namaste. Namaste and toda, brother.

Why was this a good idea for you? Sorry, who did it? For those of you listening at home, I saw a poster. I took it on stage. I read it. I flipped it around in large letters. It reads,

Drake and a queer. Why was this good to you? Did you go out and buy poster boards specifically for this? Of course. He bought poster boards. Did you buy poster boards just to make fun of my friend?

Well, we don't know which one's which. So tread lightly. Why don't we ask the artist himself? It was funny at the time. I think it's funny now. The time is now. Evidently. Okay, so I want to know the origin story.

You said, or was it like you were falling asleep one night and you're like, I got it. I know it. I've got a rhyme. I have an idea of me. And it's to ride Drake and a queer on a poster and bring it to the show. When you walked in, did you have this on you?

And did they say, what does it say? No. They were just like, poster's fine. Get out of here. Yeah? Yeah, they get it. I feel like the more you hate this, the more it's going to show up.

What do you mean? You should just forget that it ever happened. I am forgotten about it. I just can't stop remembering. We'll put it face down. It's still present. Face down, you're putting it on the stage. There's only three things on stage,

me, you, and the poster. Your beard is absolutely incredible. Oh, my God. Is that a yeard? It's more than a yeard? Is it a dekeered? Close to a decaired? Jesus.

Even the mustache part? Really? God. Want to move in with us? Sick, dude. We have move in with us? Sick, dude. We have a beard with us. No touching it in a year? Over a year.

Not even to wash it? Definitely to wash it. Definitely to wash it. Yeah. You know. We'll come back to you. How's everybody else doing? Yeah. Otherwise. You know. You know. We'll come back to you. How's everybody else doing?

All right. Okay, back to you. I do have a lot of more questions. Oh, really? Sure, yeah. Go on. Decision to make it. Was it like, I'm going to shave and then not touch it for seven years? This is the same question we had for the artist.

We want to get in your head pre-decision. You woke up and you said a year of a beard. Yeah, well, more than that. Right, a decared. A decared, yeah. I had shaved my head. You had shaved your head. And my face.

And your face. You were bare. A blank canvas. I don't know if anybody cannot see this gentleman, but he has what would possibly... It's a foot, right? It's a foot-long beard. You can stand up and show the audience.

That's correct. Wow. Bow in reverence to the beard To the dekeered For he is bearded And you are not Oh my god, can I touch it? I hate that, I don't want to look at that

It's real I wouldn't fake it This hand is anointed It's also wet for some reason I wouldn't fake it. This hand is anointed. It's also wet for some reason. To be fair, it was wet before I touched it. And it's drier now, which makes sense. Gracias.

It is a dry, dry beard. Should we sit down? I'm ready. Guys, thanks so much for coming out. This is our fourth live podcast here. Fifth live podcast. Maybe. Who here has been to a live podcast before?

Solid. Who here has not ever been to a live podcast? Even solider. Who here doesn't even know who the fuck we are? This girl says the guy who's more drunk than she is. She's about to have such a bad night.

This is all inside jokes. Watch this. Seize the cheese. Right over her head. To be honest, it's a little bit over my head, too. Sure, yeah, yeah. Whoa.

Let's slow down a little bit, partner. It's a long night. And it's only 8.20 p.m. Is it? What time is it? Can we get a time check? 8.22. 8.22? Can we get a Clippers score check?

Actually, same thing. 8 to 22. Really? Amazing, right? So how it works is we get a Clippers score check? Actually, same thing. 8 to 22. Really? Amazing, right? So how it works is we get questions from people who are in sticky situations, difficult places in their lives, and they're seeking our advice for some odd reason. Jake and I do our best to offer it. Sometimes it's just us hanging out.

Jake's possibly shirtless, definitely touching himself. I often do that. With this hand, Mr. Beard Man. All right. You can hire someone. To you, my roommate. You can have a right-hand man who will take care of that for you. Cheers and toadah to you.

If anybody else is drinking out there, please raise them up. Toadah. Raise them up. Raise them up. Yeah. That poster is accurate. I am like Drake. So we, is there anything

I haven't mentioned yet? I wasn't listening to you talking at all. You actually just woke up 30 seconds ago. Oh, shit. There's a lot of people here. Yeah, we, oh, you said I touch myself. Yes Oh, shit, there's a lot of people here. Yeah, we...

Oh, you said I touch myself. Yes, you're a squeezer, I would say. Uh, yeah. Is it like that's the closest you can get away with masturbating in front of people? Wow, interesting. I don't feel like it's erotic when I touch myself. It's just that's where...

It's like you can't control it. I think my penis is where my power comes from. So I'm often just sort of like a genie lamp. Yeah. Except that's not a genie coming out. Is it not? Although I thought I did hear Robin Williams in a sock you threw away in the hamper earlier today. Jesus.

Rami got it. All right, Pete. So should we get started? Should we start answering some questions? We do have a lot of people we need to help out today. Yeah, are you guys ready to start answering some questions? All right, let's do it. So in my phone is a note file with real questions from real people.

We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. If you guys can help us out by shouting out fake names. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Everybody be totally silent. I do like to do that. Vladi? What did you say? Hadi?

H-A-D-I? Is that your name? Got it. He's such a big fan that he didn't come. Wow. Wow. I don't want to put him on a blast. He's actually in a hospital in San Francisco.

He's actually at a funeral. He's actually at a funeral. But is hospital in San Francisco. He's actually at a funeral. He's actually at a funeral. But is it in San Francisco? Oh my God, you asshole. Who died though? No, no. Don't answer that. I'm just saying.

Don't answer that. You can never ask a follow-up question to he's at a funeral. It was his mother. All right, but were they close? They were, yeah. Did she raise him Fuck me But had she been sick for a while

Nope sudden God damn it But the last thing he said to her Was probably nice and positive It was come to my funeral please What the fuck Yeah He said that to her

Weird right I didn't mishear you That's what he said Alright so this is coming from Hottie Straight from his funeral in San Francisco Hottie writes Hottie with a built in body I've backed myself into somewhat of a corner

When I have a one night stand I usually try to wake up And sneak out unnoticed While I'm at the girls place If it goes according to planned stand, I usually try to wake up and sneak out unnoticed while I'm at the girl's place. If it goes according to plan, and it's some random girl, my calling card is making a huge mess in her kitchen and bouncing. This particular time, I cut a slit in a bag of flour and threw it in the air,

getting it just everywhere. Then I left. Cut to one night later. My house gets egged. Then again the next night. It's happened five nights in a row. And I know it's this girl getting revenge. And my girlfriend wants to call the police.

I need some advice on how to get this femme fatale to stop egging my fucking house like a child. Love, Hadi. Let's give it up for Hadi. Hadi. What are your thoughts on his calling card? Yeah, interesting that he has a calling card. It's amazing.

Is that different than a business card? Or is that what a business card used to be called? Well, it's sort of similar because you want to be remembered when you hand than a business card? Or is that what a business card used to be called? Well, it's sort of similar because you want to be remembered when you hand somebody your business card. Yeah. So he wants to be remembered as the guy who destroyed a kitchen. Of course. So he'll slit a bag of flour and just sort of throw it around willy-nilly. I was trying to think of a name for him and I couldn't do it.

Like the kitchen culprit is a bad example of him. With two Ks. I also had pussy pantry, but then I couldn't think of another P word. Okay, why does there have to be three, though? Well, because, like, pussy is what he got,

pantry is where he was, and what kind of guy is he that he did it that starts with a P? Pansy. He's not really a pansy. He's kind of cool. What did you say?

Pussy? Oh, he's sort of a pussy, but he's also kind of, like, an anti-hero. Prick! Phantom! Prick. Phantom. Prick is good.

Pussy pantry prick? Pussy pantry prick. Phantom. Pilferer is good. I heard pilferer. Come on, no idea is bad. No idea is bad except for his when he destroyed somebody's kitchen. Phantom.

Phantom, but it sort of has to alliterate. Like, Phantom, sure, yeah, it actually starts with a... Hey, hey, hey, it's 10.15. We really have to go. Not yet, man. We're gonna fucking get it. You have a whiteboard? Uh-huh.

300 crossed out words. Riding on the back of the Drake and a queer. Prankster! That's good. Where are you, you glorious human being? Did you say prankster? Whoa, she also has a huge beard. Wow.

Everybody here that's wise has one. You retroactively called him wise. You are a sage gentleman. To be sure. Wait, so where were we? He cheated on his girlfriend and destroyed somebody's kitchen, and he wants to know how to get somebody to stop egging his house. How would you get someone to stop egging your house?

Keep in mind, he's already damaged her kitchen, so he can't go back in time and do that. What do eggs and flour make? Pancakes! You have to pancake her! Oh, my God! It's the only way What does that mean though?

To be pancaked? Yeah I can't believe his girlfriend wants to call the police And he's like no no it's probably nothing Let's give it five more days Because on the bright side Free eggs That is true Using a spatula Getting it right into a pan because on the bright side, free eggs.

That is true. Using a spatula, getting it right into a pan. To make pancakes. He's an optimist of himself. So what do you suggest he does to stop this, a woman who he calls a femme fatale from childishly egging his house after he left her kitchen just covered in flour, which is the hardest thing to clean, I would guess.

Maybe quinoa, a bag of quinoa seems difficult. I think flour is harder. I don't know. Have you ever had a bag of dry quinoa? When you get flour wet, it just gets kind of sticky, right? That's true, but quinoa is very small. I can't stress how little it is. I feel like everybody here has seen quinoa,

so you don't have to. I just don't know. I fear you guys everybody here has seen quinoa, so you don't have to. I just don't know. I fear you guys are thinking of cooked quinoa. And I'm referring to the dry, even smaller quinoa. Would you say, I think he's got to

live this life that he has. He lives the life he deserves. That's true. Stressed. He's... Yeah, so he has to just accept that his house is going to get egged for a little while. And what joy does he get out of destroying kitchens?

Because maybe he needs to explore that and change. Maybe he could think of a new calling card. Like being really, really nice to someone. Yeah, cleaning someone's kitchen. Or my calling card would be not cheating on my girlfriend oh that's a great trademark that's kind of like a thing that I'm known for yeah

or just destroy your own kitchen that'll write the universe and she'll stop egging your house so yeah you do that to your own kitchen and you say, I thought I was being nice.

I like flour because it's soft. And I wanted you to walk into the kitchen and not have your feet hurt. Why are you giggling? This is perfect. Do your feet hurt or not,

woman? I don't know. This guy sucks. Yeah. You have to basically decide what's worse, the eggs or the convincing. What is it called when you confess? The confession. What is it called when you found the word and then asked what it was?

I feel stressed. Wait. Down. All right. That's it. We don't have anything else to say to this guy. He's a meanie. Down. All right. That's it. We don't have anything else to say to this guy. He's a meanie. Live with your life.

Eggs is probably the least amount of your concerns. Right, yeah. You deserve to be thrown in jail. Have you ever egged a house? Have I ever egged a house? No. That took way too long. I really didn't.

It's really mean to egg a house. It's hard to clean off. Is it? I think. Okay. It's really mean to egg a house. It's hard to clean off. Is it? I think. Okay. It ruins the paint, right, Hottie? Once again, Hottie's at a funeral. Right.

This is her friend who all of the people she knows is alive. We are so sorry for your loss. Yeah. All right. Let's read Help Out Another Person. We need another guy's name. I can't hear anything. help out another person. We need another guy's name. I can't hear anything.

What did you say? You, sir. Yeah, with the plaid. You have your hands cupped over your mouth. You were yelling. Huh? Campton? I think he's saying Hampton. Hampton or Campton?

You were screaming at the top of your lungs, and now you don't want to tell me. What is it? Hampton? No, get out. I'm just kidding. Hampton's perfect. It's Hampton.

It's like you telling me what my child will be named. Hampton's perfect. It's Hampton. Why did you ask a random person? I don't know. All right. Yeah, Hampton's perfect. It's Hampton. Why did you ask a random person? I don't know. Yeah, Hampton. Hampton writes. For the past month, I've been talking to this girl pretty heavily.

We've met once in person, but we text every day and we FaceTime each other all the time. I'm in love with her. No, you're not. Go on. And she feels the same way about me. But we're not exactly dating yet. The problem is, she doesn't really open up to me like ever,

and she gets mad over little things. We have useless arguments with each other over the stupidest shit, and we'll ignore each other for a little bit. The relationship is ultimately destructive. But we... Maybe he is in love. The relationship is ultimately destructive,

but we love each other, and we keep it going. Recently, though, I started talking to this other girl I met on Instagram. And we started talking when I tweeted a song lyric of an artist we both like, and she favorited it.

Then we went from there. We started talking, and she is amazing. She's basically everything that my girl now isn't. We listen to the same music, watch the same shows like The Office, and I think we're a perfect match for each other. The other problem is she's moving away in August to California, and I live in New Jersey.

So I'll barely ever... That's her. So I'll barely ever get to see her. I'm not sure if I should end things with my girl now or go for the girl I just started talking to, who could possibly be the one, or should I just stay with my girl now or go for the girl I just started talking to who could possibly be the one or should I just stay with my current girl again

I will barely get to see her but I'm way better off with her than with who I am right now help me navigate out of this Bermuda love triangle thanks love Hampton alright Navigate out of this Bermuda love triangle. Thanks, Love Hampton. All right.

One more time for Hampton. Give it up. This is a sticky love triangle. Indeed. Yes. Not necessarily a triangle. It's more like a parenthesis. There's three nodes,

but the last one doesn't connect. What is the one that's a parenthesis that's a carrot? God, I fell asleep for a second. Follow me here. Is it a carrot? What is it called when a parenthesis has a sharp angle at the tip of it? A bracket? No, that's a rectangular parenthesis. Is it like a greater than

or less than? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he said. He rectangular parenthesis greater than or less than yeah yeah yeah that's what he said he's in a greater than although it sounds like he's in a less than and what he should do is yeah and what he should do is make it a less than or equal to right yeah which is when you stand next to another couple that doesn't know you. I'm surprised that many people were able to visualize that. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. So he is in love with this girl who makes him miserable to start.

That he's met once. That he's met one time. And that's good to him. That's clever for himself. He feels like that's a win. That's a positive in his life. That he's met one time, and that's good to him. That's clever for himself. He feels like that's a win, that's a positive in his life. That's a plus. Because they don't get along, they are mad at each other, it's ultimately destructive, but he's seen her one time.

But when you're in love, you know, and when you know, you know. Well, the other thing is that he met somebody on Instagram through tweeting at them. Yeah, what's up with that, Hampton? It sounds like he doesn't... He wants to know what love is. He wants somebody to show him. Yeah.

He wants to know what love is. I wish I knew the rest of that song. So do I, but you should listen to that. It's Bill Collins, right? Of course it's not Bill Collins I was kidding Whitney Houston? Of course it's not Whitney Houston He was kidding

I wanna know what love is It's definitely a woman I want you to show me Foreigner No, he's definitely American. Maybe it was Phil Collins. I'm kidding. I don't even know what to tell this guy, though.

He... How do you meet someone on Instagram? Because I have an Instagram, and I've never met someone on... I could meet someone on Instagram. Ah, nice, dude. Ah. Ah. I did lick your hand I guess you can meet someone on anything

Can you meet someone on Yelp? You fucked your Uber driver On the way here On the way over here I blew the Uber driver You got road domed from him As he was driving. That's right.

Insane. Yeah, and worst part is, I gave him three stars. Wow. Yeah. Three stars is definitely the least given rating, right? Three stars? Yeah, it's either great or bad. But how often are you like, you know what?

That was pretty all right. Yeah. It's grade A average. Yeah, I'll give great or bad. How often are you like, you know what, that was pretty alright. It's grade A average. Yeah, I'll give him a C. Period. C period. C period run. Run period.

Holy shit. A, B, C. D, E, F, and G. It's the alphabet. Don't get wet. Please stay dry as I recite all the letters to your eyes. It's Jake and Aguirre. Jake and Aguirre. I want people who missed that part in the beginning

to be like, holy shit, why was that a thing? When did Jake make that? I did it. What a mean thing. So malicious. Just lying on the floor in my room at home, coloring it in. I'm knocking on the door.

Did one person color it all in? You had to have bought a marker. You had to have bought a marker. You had to have bought a poster. They might have had a Sharpie. They could have had a Sharpie. Did you all have a Sharpie? You bought everything. There's a tag on the...

I want to know how much they paid for that poster. Can you see that? 97 cents. It's actually pretty worth it. It's a real good price I don't begrudge the price So this guy's not actually in love with anybody Because he says I'm in love with this girl

So I can't break up with her But this other girl might be the one So if you think somebody else is the one Then you're not in love with the first girl And also if you think that somebody is the one That you just found Then she's not the one So you're not in love with anybody

The end. Cheers! Holy shit. That was absurd. What was that? The end? Yeah, I didn't breathe, but let's go. Alright, on to the next. One more time for Hampton. We need a what? Chill, dude.

We got somewhere to go. We need a what? Sorry, you just... Take off your hat. Show some respect. Oh my God, you're bald. Respect the master. Kiss my ring, bitch.

That's your pinky, asshole. The master has a request. Kiss the master's ring. His ring finger or the ring on your pinky? Which, by the way, is pretty weird that you have one. Deserved to be kissed. I had to do it myself. Didn't do it.

Didn't do it. All right. The master. I am the master. Come on. All right. We need a guy's name. Barnaby.

Maud. Maud. Barnaby. Maud. Barnaby! Maud! Maud! Barnaby! Maud! Barnaby! Barnaby! Barnaby! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Enough. Barnaby! Hey, you have your hand up. That's nice and polite. What is it? What do you say? What? Benda. Benda? Yeah, like E-N-D-A. Is that somebody? What do you say? What?

Benda? Is that somebody's name that you know? Really? Also at a funeral. Same dude. Hottie's friend. Benda and Hottie both had someone die in their life. He's in Kansas City? It doesn't matter.

Oh, that's like just as depressing as being at a funeral. I'd rather go to a funeral. Guys, if you're listening at home from Kansas City, obviously I'm joking. We've got a show in Kansas City tomorrow. Not anymore. Where we'll be making fun of Los Angeles. Benda writes,

I'm a senior in high school. In a few months, I will be going to college. Straight up, I absolutely loathe the taste of mint. Everyone shut the fuck up. This is important. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I don't have a sense of smell, but if something

even kind of minty happens, it burns my mouth and makes me gag and want to puke. The toothpaste I currently use is a very mild mint. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Read that. People were fucking laughing. Shut up. What kind of toothpaste does he currently use? A very mild mint. Okay. And it's only found at his local dentist's office, which he won't have access to when he leaves for home. When he leaves home. I looked around for other mild mint toothpaste but none of them suit my

toothbrushing needs. Is it bitchly of me to use a children's toothpaste? There are no adult berry toothpastes. It's either harsh mint or some kind of weird lime shit. I don't want to get put on blast in college for having Buzz Lightyear on my toothpaste bottle.

But I don't want to have to mentally pump myself up every time I need to brush my teeth either. You can see the predicament I'm in. Please help. Yours truly, Benda. Props to you for remembering everybody's name all the time that was the first time you've ever complimented me that's correct that's also the first time you ever thanked me thank you very much kiss the ring man kiss the ring of the master it should be an honor for you tell you what i'll put my finger right here he did not kiss it don't cheer It should be an honor for you. Tell you what, I'll put my finger right here.

He did not kiss her. Don't cheer. Tell you what, I'll put it right here. Jesus. That was a kiss. That was the first time you ever kissed me, man. Actually, that's not true. Sorry. No, we's not true. Sorry.

Now we have kissed on the lips more than once. Alright. Yeah. It was for a video. A gay video. Porn video that we shot. That was never released. So you had something to say about this question because I... I'm the same way. Amir doesn't like the taste of

mint. So much so that I want to He's never had a tic-tac. He rarely chews gum. I never chew gum. You've never chewed gum. I never chew gum. Have you ever chewed gum? I've never chewed gum. He's never chewed gum! Yeah. For whatever reason, we're so obsessed with mint as

the most refreshing thing. You actually can't find, like he said, this is coming from me. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't find a non-mint toothpaste. As a society we stress flavors and options and everything. Cereals are this.

There's nine types of Cheerios and only one type of toothpaste. This is Amir's very poorly attended one-man show. So, I mean, go ahead. Personally, I would, I think you could order non-mint toothpaste on Amazon. It is all children's.

I know this because I went home the other day. My nieces were there. They had a strawberry Colgate and it was incredible. It tasted like I was brushing my teeth with fruit punch. That's what I want always.

Unfortunately, the packaging is pink. There's a giant animatronic strawberry on it. It says, good for kids four and up. It says you can swallow it, which I would because it tastes so good. Does that clean your teeth the same way? It doesn't. I feel like you make toothpaste for children

and they have baby teeth that are going to fall out anyway. So borderline doesn't matter. Yeah, they're like rubbing their gums, swallowing the shit. It is borderline Kool-Aid. Also, I heard from a dentist one time that... I heard from a dentist one time. Don't make fun of me, man.

Wait until he tells you twice before bringing it to the group. I was so uninterested in this question. Now I'm like fucking invested. I want to solve it. This dentist told me that it really doesn't matter that much about the toothpaste. It's more about the brushing and the bristles. You can brush your teeth with water

and that's, you know, not great, but it's definitely fine. Teeth falling out? I swear. It's totally good. So what would you do if you were him,

real quick? Jeez Louise, man. I think I would go on Amazon and just get a child's toothpaste or... No, you get the Arm & Hammer, like the baking soda

that doesn't taste like anything. You brush your teeth with baking soda, right? He's got baking soda. Baking soda. I got baking... That's what that song's about. You think it's about toothpaste? And when he says he's in love with the cocoa... He's talking about the Colgate. Colgate. Oh! Yeah. That was good.

That deserved the laugh that my other thing got. If we can transfer the laughter... We can in post. I would and I have just suck it up and get used to the mint. You do get used to the mint. Yeah, you use my toothpaste now. That's enough. I did say everything I wanted to, so sure.

Let me cut you off right there I was finished cease done enough absolutely it's over one more thing

no no that's it right yeah yeah suck it up sure yeah I feel like I haven't turned over this Have you looked at all these guys?

I've only looked over here This guy is the most handsome dude I've ever seen You look like a model and a lumberjack The best two things you can be Like the brawny man Are you related to you two? Your brothers? Are you the older brother?

Congrats. But not the older. Oh, there's an older, hotter brother. Three brothers? Each one hotter than the last. What's the oldest, hottest brother's name? Steven. Oh, that's such a cool, hot, old name.

What's your name? Greg? Greg that's such a cool, hot, old name. What's your name? Greg? Greg is also cool and hot. Whoa, it's Steven, Greg, and Kremlin. Oh, my God. Kremlin? I'm sorry, you said it was what?

Spencer. Do you? Sweet, man. It must suck. I mean, I guess you would know to have a younger, hotter brother. Yeah, my brother's better looking than I am physically,

but I'm taller. But, like, you're taller, right? And, like, your face is better. No offense. Of course offense taken. I'm saying. No offense. Of course offense taken. I'm saying. No offense. It's all offense. All of that was offense.

No, it's a compliment to Steven, who's an angel, and I'm not trying to offend Spencer, who's a troll. You are. You've called him. First of all, I take offense to your fence and offense to your troll. Sorry. Regardless, let's forget about Spencer the way every woman in the world should.

And we'll only talk about Steven. Who is? He's a runway model meets a bridge worker or something. Wow. Yeah, you look sensitive and strong. Like you could kill someone if you had to, but you wouldn't want to. That's the last thing you'd want to do.

That's part of a Spencer thing to do. Spencer, haven't you accidentally killed a few people? This is Mufasa and Scar. Alright, let's move on. But we're going to hang out after the show. I'm so sorry. You're also hot. You don't get to do that.

I'm sorry. You're also hot. Anyway. No, you're cute. You're cute. You're cute. Even though. Should we take our break now?

It is sort of the halfway-ish point. All right, let's take a break. Let's relax a little bit. What should we talk about? I hate to keep... During our breaks, Jake usually talks about his virginity story, which is somewhat of

an urban legend. An old, or I should say new wives tale, because it happened not too long ago, but... You guys are great, by the way. Thank you. Yeah, wow. This is the best crowd we've ever had at the Hollywood Imp. Yeah!

Yeah! I have not said that to every single crowd. You have, but every time you've meant it. It's true. Hey, have you been to the show before, Steph? Are you talking to Steve or Spencer? I'm calling him Steph now because we're sort of close. Do you spell it S-T-E-P-H-E-N?

Oh my god, he spells it the cool way. With a V? As in I'd like to lose my V? To V? Can't you see? Oh. Shit, do I know how to sing? You actually don't.

Okay. I have perfect pitch. Call out a note. C. C. Can I find it? No. Call out another one.

Wait, we don't even know if you're getting it right. Sounded a lot like C. A sounds a lot like C. Oh. Awful. Oh, no. You sound like Wally dying. I don't know.

Is it possible to sing something that's not a note? That's actually the beginning of a beautiful song. Is it possible to sing something that's not a note? Or it has to be a note? That's actually the beginning of a beautiful song. Is it possible to sing something that's not a note? Is it possible to sing lyrics that haven't been wrote? Is it possible to swing to a castle through a moat. Now I'm very cold so I put on a jacket. Motherfucker!

Yeah! Yeah! Kiss! Kiss! I want the show to be over What happened now was that was the peak That was the crescendo You do know music

Alright, let's take a break right now for those of you listening at home Enjoy this commercial break I'm sure it's a great sponsor and we'll be right back Laughter, applause those of you listening at home enjoy this commercial break i'm sure it's a great sponsor and we'll be right back laughter applause thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i I want to know which wideout scored more than two

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Yeah. Thank you for your support. I knew that. I'm not afraid of anything.

We do have time for one more question. Can you handle it? I can handle it. Can everybody else? They all yell no at once and we leave. All right. Trying to decide which one is funnier. Should we do the gun one or the speech one?

Gun. Let's do gun. We need a... She just wants us to make a speech. We need a name. Gun is a good name. Gun. Gun? Gun is the name. Tommy Gun.

Crandus? Crandus, I do love you. We're gonna do it. Crandus. Crandus writes. The key to my heart. Let's do it. Here's the sitch. I'm a 19-year-old dude, and I'm not gonna lie, I'm an alpha

male, and what goes with being an alpha male? Gun ownership. The only problem is I'm still living with my mom in her spare room. Start again and read this in the accent that it deserves. I'm a 19-year-old dude. I'm not going to lie. I'm an alpha male.

And what goes with being an alpha male? Gun ownership. Only problem is I'm still living in my mom's spare room And the prissy bitch says I can't have one She says she doesn't trust me Because she Because I crashed her car

I did He didn't write that, did he? He did. How can I convince my killjoy mom to let me have a gun? And when I get it, how can I use it to get a girl? Love, Crandis. Crandis. He's in a sticky situation.

Is there any... I mean, he shouldn't have a gun. The problem is he's still living with his mom. And when you live with your mom, you gotta do the mommy rules. Whatever she says goes, unfortunately. Not to mention that he is filled with rage. Yeah. Like, he's a pussy bitch of a mom,

doesn't want him to have a... He calls her a killjoy. He used the word kill, and then he wants a gun. I think you should... Like, if you write... Yeah, no, you don't get a gun. Oh, this is you?

This is you at Walmart telling him so? I would like to be a gun judge. A gun judge. You don't get a gun. Would you ever say you do get a gun? No. It seems like he can't have it both ways, unfortunately.

When you live with your parents and you can't afford to live by yourself, you don't get to make up the rules. Especially when the rules include buying things that murder other things. That's like a huge no-no. The sad thing is, if he just got the gun, then he would make up the rules. Wait a minute.

You don't think he doesn't have to ask his mommy for permission? Not once he has the gun. Once you got a gun, who do you ask for permission? Holy shit, you've changed your... The gun's a permission slip. Oh my God, I've had too much. It's frontier whiskey.

You're right, Amir should chug it. But let's give him the support that he deserves. By asking me to... A queer! A queer! A queer! A queer! A queer! A queer! A queer! I feel like I shouldn't drink to that. Amir! Amir! Amir! Shmuel! Shmuel! Shmuel! No, no, no, no, no, no.

But I am the master You drink Vance If we have That one That one was really simple I do want to get to One more question If you guys are okay with that

Is that alright? Yeah Yeah We can call this guy Gun Sure Alright Gun Is it okay with the beard?

Yes. I walk you around my house all the time. Seriously. You're positive. I like that about you. Stop talking to the beard. Sorry. Can you two fuck?

I just feel like if Steven and the Beard had a child, that would be my... That's a god that I would worship. You know how that works, though. That doesn't happen like that happens. No, it doesn't, right? Why do you say a right question mark after that? It doesn't happen like that, right?

Are you asking me or are you telling me that two guys cannot have a genetic child? Two dudes can't happen like that, right? Are you asking me or are you telling me that two guys cannot have a genetic child? Two dudes can't have a kid, obviously. And you agree? I feel like

I don't have to agree. It is public knowledge. It is common sense that they cannot make child with one another. No.

No way. No chance in fucking hell. No way. No chance in fucking hell. No matter, even if you had, maybe there's an amount of money that you can have that'll get shit done, just because science can pull shit off that you didn't think possible, maybe.

But no. Alright. Last question? Yes, please. Guy named Gunn writes, I'm a senior in high school and a virgin. This is most likely due to the fact that I'm antisocial. Yes. I've had a few girlfriends throughout high school,

but nothing too serious. Most kids party a lot, but I don't. I spend a lot of time training, and now that I've received my scholarship, I want to start being a part of the scene part of that scene what would I give is there a way to become part of the party scene even though everyone has already had even though everyone already has their squad is the best way to have sex to find a girlfriend or a random drunk chick. Help! Love gun.

You had sex in high school. How does it work? Your uncle? How does he join a squad? Oh, I went in on the squad. Hey, you guys seem like a cool bunch of chaps. Can I be a part of the squad? I have a resume.

Really? I'm proficient in Microsoft Excel. Oh, yeah, you're getting a wedgie and you're just standing there by yourself. Is this hazing? Am I squad legal? This was you in high school. Yeah.

I feel like you actually weren't cool until you were 30. Is that true? I'm not trying to make fun of him. I really am not. Honestly, it means the world to me that you think I'm cool now. Sure, I'm not trying to make fun of him. I really am not. Honestly, it means the world to me that you think I'm cool now. Sure, I'm wearing a shirt that Marty purchased for himself and I borrowed.

Shoes that another friend recommended. Socks that yet another friend told me to wear. You chose the glasses on your own. No, my mommy did. Can I be part of your squad? When did not having sex in high school become bad? I feel like that was average back in the day.

What's average? Average is sex in high school or no? Who here had sex in high school? Okay, so who here didn't have sex in high school? Well, this crowd doesn't count. They listen to podcasts. You guys are all fans of podcasts. Yeah.

Fuck you guys. So how does it work? How do you have sex in high school? You can't make... If you say squat, I think it's too late for you. Right. That ship has squatted. I'm trying to remember what I did in high...

I mean, I was like... I got fake cool in high school. You know what I did? It was in middle school. I had a I was like, I got fake cool in high school. You know what I did? It was in middle school. I had a condom in my wallet. Of course I never used it. But my friends found out that I had a condom, and they thought maybe I had sex.

So, oh, start lying. That's how I'm cool now. So you buy a condom, and then people are like, wait, you use a condom? Not this one, but I might. Do they ever put the pieces together? It's like, wait, if he used a condom, he wouldn't actually have one on him. He wouldn't have a condom.

Yeah, that's fair. They never go there, do they? No, maybe not. I don't know. Let me think about it for one second. We have all the time in the world. Can I ask Steven? Oh, he definitely got laid in high school, right?

I haven't turned around, but I think he's having sex right now. Yeah, well, the girl's sitting on his lap, but it seems like they're fucking. Wow, cool. I'm going to turn around and look at him, right? Three, two, one. He's blowing Spencer. My advice is nerds or uncool or virgins, as they were in high school. Nerds or uncools or virgins?

In high school. Okay. Get cooler over time. So, if you're a... You can only be a cool for 10 years If you're a cool At 16 Your cup runneth over

Yeah, your time runneth out You're not cool anymore by the time you're 26 So you're saying his time in the sun Is coming I'm saying coolness is a normal Distribution, a bell curve Christ you're saying

you think you're cool right now talking about bell curves I think I'm two standard deviations away from the apex I fear I'm already coming off of it I fear I'm in the 95th percentile of my time on cool earth. For you can only be cool for so long. What I'm telling this guy is it has to get better. It can't get worse.

You're plateauing. You're starting to become like a cool. You don't want to become cool in high school, I don't think. You don't want to peak right now. Yeah, I think when's the best time to peak? In your 30s. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right, nobody.

You're right. Where would you say you are right now? I am on a minor descent. But you have to understand that I peaked so high. You burned so bright. Yeah. You felt so wrong. It felt so right.

You went to bed. A sleepy head. Woke up with a quince. For you are a prince. Become a king. Does he become a king? Your song, do sing. Stay cool forever.

Forever. Not never. Not never. That was the end of the poem. That's our time. Guys. Let's give it up for Amir. Let's give it up for Amir. Let's give it up for you guys.

Thank you so much. Amir, who do you want to give it up for? Let's give it up for Steven. And who else? Spencer. Spencer, too. And their older brother, Greg. Come on.

Or Craig. You're Craig? You're Craig? You're Craig? You're what? You're what? He's Greg. He's Greg? Who the fuck are we calling Steve?

No! Every hot guy is a liar. That's our time. Thank you. Thank you.