Segments - 154: Truth or Dare

Episode Date: May 18, 2015

In this episode we discuss drinking alone, double dating, and our TV pilot! This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and TrunkClub.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't record that part, but that definitely happened. Recording this on a Sunday afternoon online in just a few short hours, so let's just get started. Enjoy. Things got real. Things got real. If you have a crush on a cute barista

Wanna know what to do to meet her Accidentally killed your neighbor's dog Wanna know how to pick up chicks while on a jog if i were you wanna know what i'd do i'd email these two coy and funny dudes if i were you if i were you if i were you starts now louis and his roommate sarah oh yeah i was gonna say that wasn't louis we're such big fans of ours that they they crocheted us for their youtube web series what oh wait what yeah and then they made a video and then they made a background song to use as an intro song so that we would talk about it and god they're so talented yeah uh i had them send us the crochet it's not here yet oh that's so fun but if you want to see the video

uh that we're talking about we'll put it on our website if i were you show.com so thanks to louis and sarah uh roommates male female roommate doing cute things together you guys should get married that's not how i said that's not what i meant i just think it would be cute if they did i was saying they should 69 okay yeah sure that leads to marriage how it works is that you're both i know how it works is that you're both... I know how it works. I do. Of course, I know how it works. It's like you're sucking your own dick. No. Huh? Because you're...

It's kind of like you're using somebody else's body as a proxy. So it's like, oh, I get to go down on a girl while she's blowing me. And how is that like sucking your own dick because think about it no you're basically you're using the other human as a puppet no you're not yeah you are you're you're control like you're basically saying to this human you do what i'm doing imagine if it's two guys sucking each other's dicks then it's like you're sucking your own dick okay i'm taking one degree to the right. One degree to the right is removing a penis.

No, no, no, no. That is a huge... It's replacing... If I am licking a vagina, that's pretty much the opposite of sucking a penis. But it's the opposite in a way that it's also very similar. It's kind of like how... It's oral sex, but the event diagrams do not overlap they overlap they're on top of each other it's two circles they don't overlap 69 actually that

there's a zero and there's two o's in 69 i was gonna say when you said it's the opposite it's not the same it's kind of like uh well let me think of a good metaphor it's like uh you're like oh baseball is the opposite of basketball or It's like, you're like, oh, baseball's the opposite of basketball. Or it's like, okay, they're two different sports, but they are still sports. So the fact that something is your opposite means it's also very related.

A yin and a yang. Yeah, so it's not like baseball's the opposite of basketball. It's like basketball's the opposite of dignity. See, there's so far, that's truly truly the opposite or if you want to talk about opposites opposites are things that aren't necessarily the exact different they are still part of the same universe hey this is if i were you you said only you said licking a vagina was yes i really think so you are gay i'm sorry it's both oral sex that's it yes that's it so how can something can't if something is the opposite of something they're actually very similar that's that's the cool thing that i said so far and so far you haven't said something cool calling you gay was pretty cool

uh this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the entire internet hosted by me and me and my name is amir my name is josh josh r um we just just to show you how quick this turnaround is, the Clippers have been eliminated from the NBA playoffs. Yes. This show will be online four hours after that. That is correct. We procrastinated, but still it's kind of a cool, fresh feeling. Right.

What you're listening to, uh, happened so quickly. So, so soon. Yeah. This is us on Sunday afternoon and you're listening to you you know you this is maybe you on monday morning oh but what if some people are listening to it in two years from now yeah then people will hear this after one of us dies really yeah yeah probably one person yeah what's soon but for before huh what's soon but for before. I don't think I still don't get it.

What's the word soon for stuff that happened previous? Oh, I see. Earlier. Just now. No, it's not earlier. Earlier is any time before. I'm talking about, like, you know, like, we'll shoot, we'll record this and it'll be online soon so it's like right before we recorded it we recorded it not soon but the soon but in a different direction i swear to god i'm not high you don't what's soon but for before soon means uh quickly in the future i want to know what it means like recently yeah yes we recorded this recently

that's good i do feel high i'm not i did have one edible and a cat what soon i was at an eight when i ate that uh this is an advice podcast people blowing you is a puppet don't you get that it's an avatar it's like a ventriloquist of you it's like if it's like it's like uh uh uh uh if uh virtual reality let's say i have this uh prosthetic dummy and whatever i do to it it does to me this is like the that 70s show just keeps landing on you i'm playing i'm playing spin the bottle and it only lands on me uh let's say you have this puppet like in the future it's really hard for me to just you have a long you have a long distance girlfriend let's say in the future it's really hard for me to just you have a long you have a long distance girlfriend let's say in the future okay the year is 2038 right richard nixon jr jr your eyes are so red uh instead of being in the same room as someone uh you are in the room as a with a like

giant plastic female figure and your girlfriend is controlling it in a chamber i see so when she moves the avatar moves so she's blowing a figure and that figure is blowing you 69ing is that then is it cheating both of the same rooms my girlfriend cheated on me with a dildo yeah exactly if the dildo is being remotely controlled by a guy is that cheating would be an example of a question we would answer on this advice podcast people will email us to if i read a show at gmail.com uh and we do our best to read these emails offer our advice we are experts in what following fields physics uh chemistry jake has a PhD JD MBA from the NBA. So he's a doctor, lawyer, businessman.

I'm a Doc Rivers of myself. And I am a cat walker, which is a new profession that I invented. So I'm an inventor. I'm a wordsmith and I'm a more or less. You teach cats how to cat walk. What? You teach cats how to cat walk. How? You teach cats how to catwalk. How to catwalk.

How to catwalk. We are high. We're tripping on mushrooms. So let's start reading these emails and giving our advice, giving our two cents. Ooh, that would have been a good alternate name for the website. Oh, yeah. Our two cents. Our two cents.

Welcome to our two cents. I'm Amos. That's my two cents i'm josh uh all right let's start with a good one cool we need a guy's name let's do uh r.i.p clippers blake griffin rights so i was having a little party at my house and me and my girlfriend and two other people were sitting in a room while another group of friends were in another room playing truth or dare. I was unaware they were playing truth or dare, so I was weirded out when a girl from the other room barged into my room and licked my girlfriend from her forehead to her chin,

and my girlfriend's brother watched the whole thing. Should I be mad at her i'm a jealous dude clearly the first thing that popped out to me about this question licking like i can see licking from chin to forehead how do you lick from forehead to chin you have to use the bottom of your tongue you have to use the bottom of your tongue you have to use the bottom of your tongue she was like sitting down and this girl was standing up so she just kind of went like oh upside down yeah i don't know it still seems weird i feel like it's more likely that he wrote wrote it poorly oh he accidentally wrote his grammar's not great because i also am not 100

sure who he's mad at well he wants to know if he should be mad at the girl or the girlfriend. I guess not really the girlfriend. Girlfriend didn't do anything. Should I be mad at the girl that did it? Should I be mad at someone? Yeah. For licking. Like, if a guy did it, you'd be mad.

If a guy walked into a room and licked your girlfriend. Yeah. But if a girl did it, less mad, it seems. Yeah. What if it was a gay girl i still wouldn't be that mad i'd be actually hot by it it would actually heat me it would heat me it would turn me on when you're okay when you're aroused what do you feel i feel a warm heat and a cold cool an orange sphere that pulsates right from forehead to chin you are a sex symbol blumenfeld how so you're a madonna of our generation uh would you be jealous of a

girl or would you be angry if a girl did that to your girl i don't think so i i don't and like sex wouldn't even be involved. It's just like sort of non-threatening. Yeah. I guess because like I would know that my girlfriend, I know that she is heterosexual. So if she was licked by a woman, it wouldn't necessarily be like a threat to our relationship in any way. Whereas if a guy licked her. That's kind of like an assault a little bit.

Yeah. a guy licked her um that's kind of like an assault a little bit yeah then i think you'd have to be like i was i guess before i like really really had a strong opinion i'd check in with my girlfriend and say how do you feel about that yeah do you feel violated was that really fucked up or was it just like it isn't hey we're all drunk at a party yeah that was weird is it entirely related to her like if she's fine with it then you're fine with it or is there a situation where something happens to your girlfriend and she's fine with it and you're not i mean there probably is because i'm uh we're all human beings floating around this crazy crazy son of ours oh do you know what i mean we're on a rock baby we are a shooting star we are a shooting star the sun

the moon it's crazy I'm thinking just knowing that the world is round here I'm sitting standing on the ground am I right side up or upside down that's why he doesn't know

he's upside down that's why he's licking her from chin to forehead he's right side up that's what that goddamn song's about this this this this party this episode this party happening was dave matthews's uh formative party that he was at uh if you have to ask if you should be mad then you're not mad like you can't say should i be mad i am jealous but then he also already is mad because he's like i'm kind of a jealous dude i'm realizing because i'm very pissed off yeah he like also it seems like it's it it's a truth or dare game i don't know i wouldn't be mad weirdest part is it came after a truth. Really? Yeah.

So she said truth or dare, and then the guy said truth, or a girl said truth. Do you want to lick anyone in another room? And she said, oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Watch this, in fact. Do you really? Yes, I do so bad that this is about to happen. Yeah.

That's how honest I am. We should play truth or dare more. I haven't played. Just me and you? Yeah. It seems like a good party game, but you never play it as an adult. You never play Truth or Dare. You never play Spin the Bottle.

Yeah. Let's have like a teenager party. Oh, that's a good theme for a party. Right. We play Seven Minutes in Heaven. You know where we can play it? When my parents go out of town, we can have it at my parents' house. That way it's like we're having a teenager party

that I never threw because I was so antisocial and uncool. That's a pretty fun idea. And my parents' house is cool. It has a pool. Yeah. So I just have to- And we'll only invite teenagers over.

Exactly. So like 14, 15, 16 year old woman. Yeah. And then we'll play games with them. So like one of the games. Sirens outside fast that was so fast that's real i fucking played mailbox baseball earlier really yeah i put a cherry bomb in a toilet toilet yeah principles fucking must have got me or some shit i slashed

the tires on the principal's Mustang. The Dean. Did you ever play Spin the Bottle? I don't know if I ever did. Yeah, I did. And it works? You just get to kiss? Yeah. I played some serious Spin the Bottle.

Making out? I played Spin the Bottle where, like, elevated to basically seven minutes in heaven. Which is what? Sixty-nining. In a closet. What is seven minutes? That's you go into a closet and change clothes seven minutes is in heaven is just like you go into a closet and they shut the door and you have to stay in there for seven minutes and it you don't no one ever uh talks

about what happened oh it's like you can sit there and talk you can make out you can do whatever you know seven god even hearing the rules gets me like anxious again like what would i do in a closet the girl are you like you when you hear the rules of seven minutes in heaven you're like oh my god i'm like so in my head like really when i hear that i'm like oh fuck yeah i would fuck them you you would do that not that it's a youngster uh yeah i guess not as like a 13 year old but right no yeah i would probably like just go for it not i don't think anybody was like having sex but yeah we were like finger somebody jesus man what where did i go wrong you're doing it now you're peaking now yeah but i really want

to be a cool teen again in fact you would rather get hand jobs than just have a nice house and have sex yeah yeah i think so i think i want a hand job again give me that leather jacket i'm gonna go back to my high school you go back to high school like it's not what you think officers i just am trying to get a hand job i get beat up by a 16 year old bully you jerk him off. It worked. It finally worked. That's me melting. So should I be mad? Why don't you see if your girlfriend is mad?

If your girlfriend is mad, then you could be mad. This one is sort of a gray area where it would be a little weird if your girlfriend laughed it off. He took this guy and fucking slammed him into the wall. Who dared her to do it? I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at everybody in this room. Who dared her? You? I guess who dared her to do it i'm not mad at her i'm mad at everybody in this room who dared her you i guess i dared her why oh why i oughta dare me to kick his ass uh all right that's it um i'm a jealous dude just it's as if he he can't it's like he's saying that about yourself. Try to change.

He's just saying, like, I'm six feet tall. I can't do anything about it. I'm jealous. I'm mad. I get mad easily. Oftentimes, I am greedy and angry. So should I be mad in this case as well? Things put me off.

Yeah, I'm ill at ease and often uncomfortable in a negative way so should i hit him i find myself having stress and anxiety more often than not related to things i can't control for example a licking forehead to chin i and let us know if that actually happened the the forehead to chin thing. I find that hard to believe. All right. Oh, speaking of cool teens, this actually blends right perfectly into our next question. We need another boy's name.

Chris Paul. Chris Paul, CP3 himself, writes, my neighbors are paying me to pet sit for them while they go watch their son get married. But the weird part is, they told me I have to pet sit for them while they go watch their son get married. But the weird part is they told me I have to sleep at their house while they're gone because their dogs aren't used to being alone at night. They understand that this is weird and compensated me for such a strange request by telling me that if I so choose, I can invite some people over. That's right. Vacant house, hormonal teen. It seems like the premise for a really bad, raunchy comedy.

I feel like I have to take advantage of the situation. But I'm not that kind of person. None of my friends, nor myself, have ever been drunk before or smoked pot. Or even have access to those kinds of things. If I were to ask them to get some alcohol and meet me at my neighbor's house,'d likely make fun of me i have no intentions of trashing this house or anything i'm just curious as to what being intoxicated feels like and i think that this is the most perfect and safe environment to do so so what do i do get drunk alone or get some friends please i need to know pS. I'm 17 going on 18. So?

Don't drink. Not allowed. Illegal. That being said, you're such a loser that your friends think it's cool to not drink. Oh my god. That's a problem. Even me, a loser, had friends that drank. I mean, who are you hanging out with, you dork?

It is funny. Like, what a weird reverse problem. He's living in a universe where people lick each other. I have an open house to have a house party, but everyone will make fun of me if I suggest we drink. It is funny to imagine him drinking alone, but that doesn't seem like a safe opportunity. Right. If he wants to know what being intoxicated feels like, I don't think that getting drunk by yourself is that great of an indicator. Yeah. I don't even know if I've ever done that.

Have you ever been drunk alone? I've definitely been like... Besides at the end of the night when you go home and you're alone and you're drunk. Right. Yeah, of course. I think I've done things like... I've never sat at home alone. Got maybe I have once or twice. Not to get like fucked up, though.

Like I'll say I have a whiskey at the end of the night. Yeah. I guess. But you've sort of been there when I do that. I'm just drinking by myself and you're around. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. But you've never seen me get like fall down. I'm just like, we'll have a whiskey and be like,

oh, that's pretty good. You're there, but I'm alone. Actually, whenever I get drunk, I'm alone. If I'm in a bar filled with people. I'm actually always by myself. Because nobody else can be here. Never connected with a single human being. Am I still not alone if there's a group of people

I don't give a shit about constantly around me while I'm getting drunk? Imagine the first time you've ever got drunk, you did it by yourself in a strange house. That's a bad way to do it. No, because I think part of getting drunk in general is to do it with people so you're all on the same page. Level, the same level.

You only get on the same level. I remember the first time I got drunk was in college i never drank in high school wow and i got drunk at my friend's party and he got drunk too and it felt great because it's like oh my god i mean he had already been drunk but we i was getting drunk for the first time did was he aware of that like this yeah yeah yeah exactly were you like i'm not gonna drink and then suddenly in college, you're like, all right, I guess I'll try it? Yeah. Or were you just like, what was your mindset going into college? It was like, I don't want to have, it was like weed and drinking were the two things that I didn't do in high school. Right.

So I was like, I don't want to do the weed, because that seems like more extreme. Like, you can't even do that legally after you're 21. Right. But I can see myself drinking alcohol. That seems easy. So I told my friend that. It's like freshman year. can't even do that legally after you're 21 right but i can see myself drinking alcohol that seems easy so uh i told my friend that it's like freshman year yeah freshman couple weeks into school yeah october 30th really 2001 halloween party uh close over his birthday party nice

he was like all right we'll do it we'll get drunk we went to my friend his friend's co-op and like they had like vodka orange juice for us and that was like the first drink i had and i was like drinking i was like you know i don't feel anything and i remember once i started feeling drunk i'm like it's happening and i like called my brother and left him a voicemail i was like i think i'm drunk for the first time i don't know it's pretty fun face getting really called your mom imagine like getting drinking alcohol for the first time like what's your tolerance if you've never ever had that poison before? Zero. Right, it's crazy.

Your blood must be confused. You never even touched a drop of alcohol? I maybe had a sip of wine as a child, but I never had a beer. Your dad used to take you out for wine a lot as a kid. Yeah. Your dad would get you shit-faced out of wine. yeah so like after baseball games my dad i can count on a million hands the amounts of times he got me wine drunk before school wine drunk on the way to just playing slap the bag remember how early carpool was it was like 6.15 oh my god cold

so funny to think back on like I had to get to the bus at 7.05 oh so early and like there were so many times where I missed it

just like by a little bit like fuck I missed the bus and I go back inside and my mom or dad had to just drive me to school like fuck you

you little you didn't have carpool you had a bus yeah I had a bus oh yeah I was straight carpool. So like older kids would drive me. Oh, that's nice.

Or like kids' moms, we'd have a schedule. Right. So like they'd like honk and then you'd have to come out. That's great. Yeah. I had the bus thing. So I knew if I missed the bus, then I could like stay in the house for an extra 20 minutes

and watch Saved by the Bell. So I would miss the bus on purpose. And then my mom or dad would have to drive me to school like a real fucking asshole. Sorry, mom. So wait, what was the first time you got drunk? I think the first time I got drunk was like in the summer. It's like eighth grade or something. You were 14.

Yeah, I think it was before I was 13. It was the summer before. Oh, my God. So young. Yeah. I was it was before. I was 13. It was the summer before eighth grade. Oh my God, so young. Yeah. I was like playing video games and not doing anything. Right, for the next five years. Well, actually, it was probably around the same time. No.

When you were 13, it was 1998. You got drunk three years before me, and I'm two years older. I was 13. It was the summer of 1999. Yeah, and I didn't get drunk for another two years, and I'm two and a half years was 13. It was the summer of 1999. Yeah. And I didn't get drunk for another two years and I'm two and a half years older than you. Interesting, yeah. We used to get like,

me and my friends would sneak into my parents, like everyone's parents like liquor cabinets and just take maybe an inch or two inches off of every single liquor. And replace it with water? Or just leave it? No, just take a sort of unnoticeable inch or two. But we would pour all of that liquor into one Gatorade bottle.

So it would have rum, vodka, gin, whiskey all in it? No, and it was like Kahlua. Just like different proofs, everything. Drano, it didn't matter. Sometimes we were probably just taking margarita mix. Liquid dish soap. We'd call it shprew. S-H-P-R-U with an umlaut, then E.

We spelled it out. Shit brew, that's what it was. Oh, that makes sense. And then we would pass that around until we were drunk and then just like wander around the neighborhood. This is at like 3 p.m. in the middle of the summer. Oh, really? Holy shit. You were getting day drunk

yeah dude it was danger you had to a dave that was the best time of my fucking life do you know what it's like to peak when you're 13 shit was amazing i would give anything to be 13 and hammered at three now at three you're just eating a salad that's not okay it's true uh where did we get to oh yeah should he get drunk at this person's house is it the safest opportunity to do so i think if you're worried about safe opportunities to get drunk you're already doing it wrong right right i guess it's not safe to do it at another person's house why is that safe also you don't really want to be the person that convinces your friends to get drunk. I would just keep on... It sounds like you're maybe ready to experiment and everybody should be safe.

And you shouldn't do it because you're not 21. Whatever. Nice, dude. Thanks. Amir made the fart noise. But it seems like at the very least you want everybody to be on board. You want all of your friends. It needs to be a communal. Yeah.

That's how it's going to be the most fun. So maybe you start going after your friends who are the most weak-willed. Instead of going to the group of friends and being like, hey, wish you had drunk. And everyone's like, no. You find that one person who's like, I'd be down. And then it's like, hey, the two of us want to do it. Maybe it's the other third friend. You just slowly recruit everybody, but also don't do it because you're not 21. So our advice is not to do it now or ever until you're 21, unless you want to do it

in college, in which case you shouldn't until you turn 21. All right, let's take a break. Then we'll come back with more questions. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

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So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties,

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slash right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. That was our ad. Now we're back. Hi, I'm Amir. I'm Jayme. Coming at you live. You're what? Jayme. Oh, wow. It's like James but not plural because who needs it yeah who needs the extra

i'm jame there's just one of me so there's always one of james no there's two james i'm jame there's just one of me jame j-a-m-e hey you don't call me the other version of me, Jakes, do you? Because there's only one. Jame. We should talk about, we're shooting the pilot finally. It's happening. Thanks to you. The hashtag Greenlight Jake in a Mirror movement was so unignorably large that another network heard about it and said,

we'll give you money to shoot this thing. Yeah. It's another network in the Turner family. I guess Turner owns TNT, TBS, True TV, and a bunch of other channels. So True TV. We are back from the dead. Thank you to at True TV. If you guys want to pass on a thank you to them, that'll make us look good too.

It really is. If you think about, I guess, I don't know how much anybody knows, but making a pilot for TV is very, very hard to do. Yes. Next to impossible. Yeah, they get pitches all the time and they don't choose very many. And then if they choose you, you still have to write the script. Yeah, every single step is hard.

Like even getting into the room there is hard. Selling your idea is hard. Writing the pilot, pilot which we got to do that was like a huge uh it was rare that that happened it was a very fortunate these are all long shots and one of the longest shots of all is to basically have your script be not considered anymore and then another network is like you know what we'll do it and it was because our fans were so supportive exactly because it's hard to predict tv success and one of the few things you can go by is if if uh people already have a built-in fan base because a lot of shows come from relatively unknown people and they can be just as funny as our show but the fact that nobody knows about that

certain person puts them at a disadvantage we're already famous that's why our show is called already famous it's called been famous bitch that means you're not famous anymore yeah whatever man what did you say uh well i'm not famous the the numbers of people that have tweeted and like uh just support us on our subreddit and like facebook channel and twitter and all that stuff uh is a huge selling point for us right so if we have a script that's just as funny as everyone else's hopefully but then we also have this extra advantage then that pushes us through it's basically like a rub a rugby scrum yeah we're in the middle and then we have these uh hundreds of thousands of fans that sort of force us, shove us forward. You did us a real solid.

Obviously, you haven't done enough yet. We don't have a TV show yet. Right. Well, let's wait until we shoot the pilot. Now, actually, it's our, we've, I feel like we're passing the ball back and forth, right? Oh, fuck. So our fans just helped get us the pilot. Now we have to do a good job with the pilot.

Oh, we have to shoot it good. Oh, we have to shoot it good. Yeah, we have to shoot it good. We have to act it good. We have to edit it good. It has to be good. It has to be a good thing. And then we ask for help one more time to convince TruTV to greenlight it to series.

That's right. And then we ask for help again by saying... Sorry, then we do work again. Then we make it, which would be amazing. And then we ask for help One more time Getting our fans to watch it Yep

So we can only get things Up to a 50-50 decision For people We can only get us Back on the fence We're gonna do a job That'll get us on the fence Get somebody considering it

But that is why We are splitting the revenue With all of our fans Oh no no no no no We should We cannot We should do that This is not a publicly traded company.

You cannot buy stock in me. You should get a rebate. You cannot get a rebate. I'll give you a coupon. For me on Deez.com. But yes, every little bit is so helpful. So thanks guys for, a lot of you guys have tweeted at True TV already

and they've already taken notice. And unlike TBS, they've already started tweeting back at us being like how they feel the love. So it already feels like a much more fun, positive experience. And we haven't even started yet. I think we're going to start shooting or working on this thing when we get back from Australia. Amazing.

First, we have to cast it. We have people in it that aren't us. What the fuck are we doing right now? We're recording this. Oh, okay. Yeah. Then we have to shoot it. Why the fuck are we recording this thing? Well, we have to cast it. We have people in it that aren't us. But what the fuck are we doing right now? We're recording this. Oh, okay. Yeah. Then we have to shoot it. Why the fuck are we recording this thing?

Well, we have to cast it first. Okay, yeah, sure. And then we have to edit it. Then what the fuck? We're wasting our damn time on this stupid podcast shit. Blim and Felton. This is good, too. Okay.

Yeah, this continues to give us an outlet that we control the timeline of. You're right, you're right. It helps to be able to talk and upload it and people are listening to it and enjoying it while they're waiting for the show to happen. 100% you're correct. Then we have a final product that True TV has to deliberate and if you guys can just help us out one last time by borderline

forcing yelling at them. We'll have a meet up for that. It'll be a tweet up. You guys will be very well aware. So thank you. That's sort of the timeline we're thinking about right now uh and thank you guys again for helping us get to this point we couldn't have done it without you uh speaking of australia shows are getting close to sold out melbourne's already sold out sydney has less than 100 tickets left that's a 900 person show that's amazing that'll be our biggest podcast show ever. Yeah. Well, wasn't London

around 900 as well? I think London was like 800. Holy shish kabobs. Well, I mean, if we sell out Sydney, this one will be bigger. And then there are tickets still available for Adelaide,

Brisbane, and Perth. Those tickets are still going fast. We're going to be there in, I think, three weeks. That's insane. Very close.

So if you're still considering it, make it so. All the dates and all the ticket stuff, all the links to what you need are on our website, ifireadioshow.com. Correct. Anything else we should talk about?

Our newsletter you can sign up for, weekly updates from us. The Montreal show is already sold out, so you can't buy tickets to that anymore. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I don't know. I guess that's it oh uh you um you shat yourself yesterday oh yeah well there's no time we talked about the newsletter and shit so i was just yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah it wasn't even a little bit either you you thought you were on the toilet and you're on a chair i sat down indian style on a chair. I said, how do you do-do? And then I, yeah, I tooted and- A full log, a 21 inch log. Insane, it was a record breaker. Jesus Christ. That's not true, you guys. Unless it is and you didn't tell me about it.

I didn't do that. All right, let's get to one last question before we run out of time. Oh, here we go one last guy's name jj reddick your boy who had a tough go of it today he didn't do his best when they needed him to you know this is their second straight game seven that's it's very tiring. They played 14 games. That's like the borderline three and a half series in just two weeks. Yeah.

Four weeks. They had a good run. JJ Redick writes, I'm a 22 year old kid and me and my buddy are going on a trip to Denver next month. And I think he kind of already sewered me. We planned this trip so that we fly in Thursday

so that there are three nights. And he talked about going out every single night. He's been there before and he even met a Broncos cheerleader. She is a smoke. So he suggested maybe we do a double date one night. So I jokingly said yes, thinking it would be another cheerleader friend. So today he texts me a pick of a dime and a nickel. I'm pretty self-aware and I don't think they'd set me up with an ugly friend but i don't know what to do because if we find another friend it'll come off like i look like the asshole right and i can't really tell him what to do on his vacation can i but i don't want to just go out by myself that night so do i have to just battle with the husky one thanks y'all rock you don't

he wanted a hottie and when they sent him the photo everything he's saying is correct but he's like at right yeah i can't just ditch this friend can i would it be fine because i'm going to and this is sort of the problem with getting set up yeah it's never good it's how often the the huge major issue uh i don't even know what this person looks like any of these people look like but i think most humans are unattractive right yeah i think yeah you think there's no one hot in all the no. No, I do. I think it's just rare. I think it's not like, oh, you know, there's a 50% mark and half the people are hot and half the people are ugly. No, I think 80% to 90% of people are not good looking.

You most of all. You asshole. I'm the ugliest one. And then there are 10% of attractive people. 10% of people are average and 80 to 90% are poor. Unfortunately, it is not a non-normal distribution. You reached a point where I say I want to set you up with someone and it sounds very exciting, but nine times out of 10,

they won't be attractive. Well, the problem is that people's expectations when they're going to get set up are basically never, ever met. Yeah. Because you immediately think your future wife or your future husband. And then you see somebody that's not that and you're like, oh, no. But like it doesn't matter. This is only one night in.

Yeah. This is one night of vacation. It's not like you're. It's more dangerous to get set up like in your hometown. Like if somebody here, if your mom was like, hey, I want to set you up with my friend's daughter. Right. That's a little dangerous.

But where are they going? Denver. Yeah, dude, Denver. Just enjoy it. That whole town's a fuck fest. And maybe she's a cool chick. You don't know that yet. You don't know until you meet her and you haven't met her yet.

But going back to what I was saying about how most people are ugly, it's not only that most people are ugly, which they are, it's... They're also uninteresting. No, most people are more interesting than they are attractive. I wouldn't say that. But when people hear stories about an anonymous person, guy or girl, you fill in your head an attractive person. So I'm like, oh, my friend met this girl yesterday and they went home and had sex three times. And you're already jealous.

Wow, that's so hot. She's probably so hot. But odds are, it was probably, like I said, two very ugly people having ugly sex and talking about mundane things. You are sitting at a cheap dining room table with a microphone attached to a computer you nerd hater to be clear i don't consider myself as part of the 10 of course you don't of course i don't i too am an ugly you have to be you have

to be ugly to be a critic like this. I'm not sitting on an ivory throne. I'm in the ugly masses with me. I'm in the muck with my people. I'm in the muck with the mire. I have the opposite problem, though. I think everybody's attractive, even the people who are not. Almost especially them. So it's almost like a subjective thing.

It's what do you consider attractive? There are some people like, oh, I wouldn't go out with that person. Like you really, you're saving yourself for like, quote unquote, the cream of the crop, the top one to 2%. Like if someone's not

a freak of nature model, you're like, oh, I'm not interested in her. She's just sort of average looking. Yeah, what a waste that would be. But then there are people whose bar is so low, they're like,

oh, anybody can be attractive, which I guess that's better than the other way around, right? I don't know. My bar doesn't even exist. I don't have a bar. You have the floor. Yeah.

And if you're above it, as in you're living and breathing, come on in. I want to fuck you. The water is warm. I think having no bar sometimes gets you in trouble because then there are people that are like, do have the bar. And they're like, oh, I don't want to hook up with with you you don't even have any standards yeah you'll hook up with anybody right oh yeah oops i will yeah what do i do now i guess uh for this person the advice is the same uh go for it it's one exciting night. Double dates are fun.

Yes, they are. You might as well just do this. Do you know the idea of like a grenade, like taking one for the team? Oh, yeah. Have you ever, well, that's when you try to hook up with a friend of a person to help out your friend. I think that term is so dumb

because you never have to do that. You can like keep someone entertained he could go on a double date talk to this girl get her to like him do everything and then like everybody goes home to fuck right you don't have to do that part yeah so the part where you're like oh yeah i fucked this girl for you yeah you know you didn't yeah you went you got in a car got in got into your house went into your room shut the door and whatever you could have done anything you could have not had sex right you could have pulled the plug at any point i mean if i'm gonna talk to someone for an hour i might as well go home and bang you didn't no one falls on a grenade you like you you you're holding on to it for longer than you need to.

I think that's what it is. You, you take the grenade and you're holding it and then you go home alone and you pull the pin and throw it against the wall. Yeah.

It's a suicide. It was, you did nothing noble. That's how good it feels too. Your friend is so far from the grenade at that point. Uh, so what would you say?

Uh, I think go for it. Yeah, have fun. Have fun it's denver for crying out loud and it's only one night who knows what'll happen the next day so that's like four people going out anything can happen there's no reason that's there's nothing saying like you have to be with this girl all night this girl is it's a it's not an arranged marriage and this girl might surprise you and you know what uh jj girl might surprise you. And you know what,

JJ, you might be unattractive. You probably are. So maybe you should start, you know, exploring people who you consider nickels. Again, I don't know what this person looks like. Right.

Because you are, you're, you're a Chuck E. Cheese token. Absolutely. You're nothing. You are worthless. You are a ticket. you are a roll of tickets and you don't buy anything except a really small koosh ball at the very least a rubber

semi-sphere that you turn inside out put on your finger and it pops pop yeah and pop goes your weasel jj reddick you are a weasel um all right that That's it. Now that I've called 90% of humans ugly, I think I've gotten that off my chest. You finally made your point. That's why we started a podcast, just to let people know that. All right. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions,

send them to ifireryoushow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnail submissions. Every time we post our episodes on Facebook, we use an original piece of artwork made by you guys, ideally at a 600x315 resolution, but we'll take what we can get. The opening theme song was by Sarah and Louis, maybe Louie, who made a video crocheting me and Jake. Very cute. Very nice. Do check out that video.

And this closing theme song is by Michael Gray. Jake, do you want to take us out by leading us in a prayer? You can say no. Oh, alright, yeah, no. Alright, here we go. Michael Gray. Actually, you know what, Jesus? Oh. Never mind. ...

... ... ... ......... Thank you. The mirror and the pinch Answering questions is a cinch If I were you, the park and show Starts now Bye.