Segments - 156: Raven Nest

Episode Date: June 1, 2015

In this episode we discuss apologies, dream homes, and sloths. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com and MeUndies.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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It's time for you, it's time for you It's time for you, it's time for you show I love that. That was Spain's own Amy, Don't Hate Me. Oh, that's a cool name for a band. What kind of genre of music would you say that was? Folk, neo-classic, rock and roll with a little bit of hip hop, R&B. No hip hop, no R&B. The best of the 80s and 90s of today. Maybe a little punk, though.

Yeah, the number one Arbitron-rated listen at workstation. It sounded like the secret song at the end of a punk album. Oh, yeah. All by myself. Yeah. No one was looking. Right, sort of like that. workstation it sounded like the like the secret song at the end of a punk album oh yeah all by myself yeah no one was looking right sort of like that or like the blink 182 uh the newfound glories we should explain what secret songs are to to our audience do you think they don't even know how would they they're secret songs drake's album has secret songs jay-z's album has secret songs really recently you you buy the cd and it only exists as a secret song that you can listen to if you play the last track not the last track but they're like songs interludes like hidden in the hidden at the ends of tracks i thought it was

like the last song actually goes on for like three more minutes of silence and then another one starts right that's i mean that's like the classic classic secret song but they do have like hidden tracks within cds still or within albums and how do you access them uh you listen to the whole album so you can just actually go to track 11 and it's that no no you go to track 11 listen to track 11 then two minutes after track 11 is finished or like sometimes it's shorter you another track plays oh my god a secret song so yeah they still have we should do a secret podcast that's a fun idea so after this podcast ends there's gonna be an hour and a half of silence oh we should do like

a whole entire seven days of silence then another podcast but like we'll release it separately oh so it's like a nine gig file yeah seven days, yeah. There's a lot. Hundreds of hours have gone by and then at the end of it is just one more joke. Right. So we won't, oh, that's a good idea. This episode comes out June 2nd, which means we're on our way to Australia by the time you hear this. What?

No. Yeah. We leave June 2nd. So. I don't know. This episode comes out June 1st and and we're gonna be on our way to australia june 2nd in the nighttime though we have a red eye right that's true okay hope probably by the time you read this we're on our way to australia well i mean by the time you read it who knows what's happening yeah because someone's transcribed it That would take days. Don't misspeak around me, motherfucker. I will pounce.

I will pounce. You don't get away with Jack's sheet. Shit. No. That's fine. No. That wasn't a missed talk. Yeah, and I did that on purpose.

On porpoise. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And how does this show work? We get emails from people who are in difficult places. And they're in need of our advice specifically. If they needed your advice, they'd have emailed your show.

Unfortunately, they don't. They email our show. We get a lot of, one of the most commented comments about our show is that we only take relationship advice. Or we only take relationship emails and give relationship advice. We do. That, I think, has become one of our specialties. But that's the sheer volume of questions. That's what we get questions about. Right.

So we do get emails, some emails about work problems or family issues or school problems, but the majority of them are relationship ones. But we did find some non-relationship ones for this episode.

All right. So why don't we get this party beginned. Let's get it beginned. Let's get it beginned. Let's get it beginned. All right. Oh, wait.

We got to give this real person who wrote a real email a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Anonymity. Got a lot of anonymity. Got a lot of people trying to keep a lot of anonymity. Trying to take away from us. Very good. That was a test. Everyone out there singing along, you are under arrest.

What do they do? So what about uh for this uh podcast we'll call these people uh musicians that have had secret songs oh all right cool so this would be billy joe armstrong sounds good billy joe writes so the other day in cafeteria this girl was talking to her friend and i overheard her say oh my god i'm so hungry I could literally eat the entire snack bar. This girl and I, while we're not friends, know each other and have talked a handful of times, therefore I jokingly said, yeah, probably, thinking we were close enough where it would be funny. Well, she didn't think so. She went apeshit all over social media about me being so disrespectful

and how I'm such a dick. she is a decently beefy girl so it made me look even worse even though this girl is pretty unlike by almost everybody in my grade so should i apologize or should i just say fuck it and let the anger pass over her because my reputation in the grade isn't really at risk thanks love billy joe my reputation in the grade will remain untarnished it can't be risked he's so nervous that it is like if we are just saying actually your reputation is at risk he'll be like oh wait i knew it what are you talking about who did you hear that it was at risk from i was afraid it would be at risk. Can you imagine risking my rep? All he wants is the comfort of us saying,

yeah, you're right. It sounds like your reputation's not at risk. Reputation is such a high school thing. Can you imagine your reputation once you leave school? What's my reputation? It's funny. What am I reputed as? Do you care about your reputation?

Maybe subconsciously, but I never really think about reputation. The word, at least, reputation. Now that I say it over and over, it's starting to lose meaning. What is my reputation? Table is also a weird one to just say. Yeah. Table. Table.

No, that one's fine. Reputation is weird, though. I guess my reputation. Oh, our reputation is weird though i guess my repute oh our reputation is defined by this podcast like mine is like this logical analytical emotionless dude and yours is like a fiery passionate yeah loudmouth asshole but that's your reputation so if your reputation was at risk it would be quite devastating uh i don't know if there's one thing you could say or do that would risk your reputation but in high school everything is hanging by a thread a thin line that's true so would you apologize if someone was blasting you

on social need it sounds like he wants to apologize any Like, why doesn't, what's the harm in apologizing? Like, it sounds like he feels bad. He feels guilty. So just say sorry. And he shouldn't have said that. And he's like, I don't know. I guess he's just like thrown because he's so surprised that all of this has happened.

Yeah. Do I have to apologize? Of course you do. Well, then what if my reputation is the apologist? I think also you have to take it as when somebody acts like this, like when somebody puts you on blast on social media, when there's this offended, then, like, of course you just apologize because you've clearly done a bad thing.

You offended someone in a really rude way. I mean, have you ever apologized on social media? Apologizing on social media? I think you don't apologize on social media. Oh, you apologize offline. Yeah, in person. So you just say, hey, sorry about that. I think what really matters more than your reputation is the...

Nothing matters more than the rep. Well, being a nice guy to this girl. So reputation one, nice guy to girl two. Well, I guess you do always want your reputation to just be like, oh, he's not mean. That's a good reputation. I mean, you can make your reputation anything you want. But number one, have nobody think you're mean would be a good goal. No one thinks I'm mean.

No one thinks I'm a douchebag asshole who calls women fat in the cafeteria. So your goal in life is to go through it without really offending anyone so that nobody thinks you're a mean. Right. So navigate through the waters of society without really jostling anyone the wrong way. And it's funny, too, because he's like, she took it the wrong way. He meant it as a joke, and she didn't take it like that. It's not like you have so much at risk here that you don't want to apologize.

Like, I don't want to set a precedent by apologizing to people I accidentally offend. What sort of message does that send to the student body? Just, yeah, you made a bad joke and now somebody's really mad. So the right thing to do is apologize. Is it ever not good to apologize? Would you ever say don't apologize well if he like stood up for what he believed in in some way if uh if this girl was like even then wouldn't you just apologize like if someone was mad at you even for a bad reason what what's the harm in just saying sorry?

Right. I'm trying to think of a time where I've really felt like I was in the right, and I also had to apologize. And I can't think of one reason. It's funny how pride is a thing. That's the only thing stopping you from saying a word that you think will make someone else feel better, because you don't want the message to be that you were wrong. Right. But I think the thing also about apologies is that they take on such a strange form where

the problem has, at this point, become bigger than he should have never said it, right? But since he did, he can't just apologize, like, hey, I'm sorry I said that. Like, it's not okay. Because now other people are mad at him from social media. And like other people in the school will be like, this guy's an asshole. This guy's mean to women. It's taken on a grandiose aura. Okay? You can edit that to make it look like I came up with aura quickly, right?

So what he has to do is he has to basically debase himself completely start from zero and it's like i am sorry i am a huge asshole i should have never said that i don't know what's wrong with me you need to apologize so much sometimes when you say you're sorry that the other person has to not only accept your apology but start to build you back up oh so you have to apologize so much i can't believe i said that to you. I hate myself. And only then can somebody rather, like that's when it changes for them to say like, no, you're not an asshole.

You're not a monster. I know you meant it as a joke. That's what you, you need to let them tell you that you meant it as a joke, but you can't say, I'm sorry. You obviously took that the wrong way. I meant it as a joke. I didn't mean to offend you.

Like, well, you did offend me. You're an asshole. Like, hey, I'm not you obviously took that the wrong way I meant it as a joke I didn't mean to offend you like well you did offend me you're an asshole like hey I'm not an asshole you're going like you have to apologize so much that the other person starts to apologize that's like sort of when I was in relationships when I was a younger lad like I would think like the only way to

end a fight is to feel so bad that the other person like had to like make me start feeling better the nature of apologies and arguing but i feel like it was false i was just like i was lying so that this person would make me feel better and then i'd be like all right it's okay now we're back to neutral like some sort of weird it's so manipulative game but i don't know it's so manipulative game but it i don't know it's all it's just like the way the way things are so you have it was better so you have to actually like well i guess what percentage apology what percent of apologies would you say are not like are yours are non-sincere i think at

this point when i apologize for something i mean it because one thing you can do before you apologize is to like really put yourself in their shoes this is how you would give it a sincere apology i'm talking like i think what i was talking about is sort of what makes people not like to apologize because that's the nature of apologies but if it was me doing it i would really search my soul to find a reason that I was sorry. So rather than look at the way she blew up at you and how you feel like it's undeserved, you look and say, how did I make her feel with that comment? What could she have been going through in her day or in her life? And like, why was she so offended? And then you when you talk to her, you really are coming from a place

of being like, hey, I am sorry, I obviously couldn't have understood how that would make you feel. But knowing how it did make you feel, I am mortified that I said anything. You should never have to feel like that. And then she'll be like, that's okay. As long as you tweet your apology, I will totally accept it. It really has to be a public apology. It has to be a public apology. It has to be a public apology.

Or we can do it in private, but you have to be naked. Nude yourself to me. Present yourself a nude to me. That's interesting. So that I can embrace your apology and I can see your body. I want to see all of you. Don't apologize. Just show me your penis.

Show me your penis. Rex, I want to see your small little acorn dick after you've come out of a shower. I want you to present yourself clean and unclothed. Pale-skinned, freckled face and flaccid for the world to see. Goosebumps and shivering body. I want you to present that to me. And then, and only then, will I accept your apology. Because I'll have seen you at your worst.

And you've seen me at mine. All right, so apologize. In a sincere way. It's like... If you're not sincere, find a way to make yourself sincere. If you're making yourself sincere, then you're not sincere. No, anybody... It's not a lie if you believe it no if you're flipping with your apology then it's not sincere but if you say like i if you actually sit down and you think about why

you should be sorry then it is a sincere so what if you are sincere you are sincere but you just say it really quickly like oh i'm sorry about that or is that better than actually meaning or sincere short apology or one where you're lying and i don't think there's such a thing oh i'm sorry about that or is that better than actually meaning or sincere short apology or one where you're lying and i don't think there's such a thing as a sincere short apology why not i feel like you actually feel bad you say i'm really sorry about that i feel bad or if you're lying you're like i searched my soul and i totally get what i've done to you and it really wrecks my heart and brain to know that I did that to you and you're just acting. Well, if you're really, really sorry,

why would your sincere apology sound like you're being an asshole? Because you don't know how to talk to people. Okay. You feel uncomfortable speaking sincerely to people. All right, apologize. Always apologize. You need another guy's name who had a secret song on an album. Jay-Z. Rights.

G'day, guys. I got a seriously stinky situation and desperately need your advice on how to deal with it. Every day at my workplace, we get our toilets cleaned, but that happens after we all leave for work for the day. Unfortunately, we have a serial toilet destroyer who arrives at work before everyone, every morning. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that. Literally every morning, he uses the bathroom, but he doesn't just use it, he abuses it.

He must have something seriously wrong with him because he sprays shit, which is a very different color each day, all over the back of the toilet bowl and somehow on the lip on the very top of the bowl. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if he used a toilet brush that's right next to the fucking toilet to clean up after himself, but he doesn't. He leaves it for the rest of the employees to deal with for the rest of the day. Not only does he somehow stain the porcelain bowl, the smell that he leaves behind could kill a Talgaryen army. It took me a while to figure out who the culprit was, and now that I figured it out, I don't know what to do. I can't just walk up and say something to him, and speaking to HR about this would be very disgusting, so instead I told several others

who were wondering who the bloody Punisher is. He's very proud of what he does with that stupid smirk on his face. I'm tempted to get revenge on the behalf of my helpless co-workers. Should I arrive before him after a big night of Indian food and destroy the toilet, giving him a taste of not only his own medicine, but of my taint? Should I start taking photos of his abominations and leave printouts on his desk? I feel as if I should quit because i cannot deal with this shit any advice on how to deal or punish this guy would be greatly appreciated thank you love jay-z it's funny he thinks the guy is proud he walks out with a smirk i bet he's not proud he literally has a shit-eating grin as he emerges for anybody that's like i am the shit i am the shitter yeah i

am i destroy the the toilet every morning he said p.s i think i've heard of john wolf doing this once which would make sense because what he's doing is not illegal yes yeah but it is a public nuisance and it's not subtle though no that's spraying shit that's the interesting that's how you know it's not a wolf his calling card isn't correct uh so let's say there is this guy who is proud of spraying shit on this toilet bowl every morning right how do you get back at that i don't think posting photos of it will be good because like he seems to take pride in it yeah he probably takes his own photo yeah like a serial killer keeps his own newspaper clippings. I know the answer to this, but have you ever taken a shit so epic

that you've taken a photo of it and shown it to me recently? Because it was a long, thick log. I don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever taken a shit you've been proud of so much so that you've taken a photo and shown it to me recently? Go on. Asked and answered. answered ask and inferred you didn't infer you didn't answer have you ever taken a video of yourself taking a shit and then reversed the video so it looks like the shit is fucking you in the ass

everything except for the last part it doesn't look like it's fucking me in the ass it looks like it's going back into me sure there's no insert out what's your what is your point my point is that i make art and you make shart and speaking of shart what should we do about this shitsmith this mystery shitsmith the shitsman how do you how do you embarrass a shitsmith, this mystery shitsmith. The shitsman. How do you embarrass a shitsman? Okay, this is what you do. Oh my God. And this is something that we did at Burning Man.

Oh. This is something I learned at Burning Man. So you know it's true. Well, I think it would be more embarrassing in this scenario. It was funnier at Burning Man. So there are porta-potties everywhere. Not everywhere. Where the porta-potties are.

There are porta-potties. And in the middle of the day, in the high points, there are usually lines for them. What do you mean high points? Oh, like rush hour? Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. So people are in line for the porta-potties.

Somebody goes in, and then as soon as they go in, a big mob of people comes around with a red carpet. They roll it out from the porta-potty door, just out back into the middle of the crowd. Yeah. Everybody, they call people over everyone comes around forms a huge crowd on both sides of the of the red carpet and then you wait and as soon as that person opens the door everyone just cheers and then they walk the entire red carpet

and at the front they like um get they get up they pose with like a A photo. Yeah, and they make a speech. So they do that to everybody or just one person? No, it's just like, it never happened to me. A random. Yeah, it's like just this group of people that like to stage this sort of... So he gets everyone in the office to come in, roll out the red carpet so that when this guy leaves...

Right, but so maybe rather than like celebrating, like cheering for him they all jeer at him oh they hiss yeah they'll all they're serpents to that point especially if everybody is aware of it and everyone knows who it is they should all because he can't be mad at everybody you know what they should do they should up the ante from that like because i think what what what's giving him that shit eating smirks that he thinks nobody he's doing this as like a silent little assassin so what if he gets everybody to go into the bathroom while he's doing it that

seems like the way to get back at a shitter because the best thing about taking a shit is doing it in private right so you mean while he's taking a shit the entire office barges in not barges in but like one by one so you, I'm imagining it's a single stall thing. You're imagining it's like a multi-person bathroom. Yeah, a multi-stall bathroom. I'm imagining it's a single one bathroom. I'm sure you can get in either way, but like if it's like one by one by one by one,

and suddenly there's like 30, 40, 50 people in there while he's taking a shit, and he's just so fucking mortified as he's spraying shit yeah the other thing to think about is that he might just have ibs and he's like really ashamed but he can't control himself when he gets to the bathroom at work yeah it's like at least it's anonymous i'm so sorry yeah he like wants to clean it but he's too embarrassed he's like i don't want anyone to know it's me so he hurries out of the bathroom and he just thinks about the happiest moment he had as a child that makes him smile a bit

and it's like this is what we're gonna do the happiest moment he had as a child was finding out his father had passed away because he thought he went through his whole life thinking that his dad had run out on them but it turns out no he'd actually died so he was like oh i'm happy that at least he didn't abandon me on purpose. Yeah. So his life is like, and he also has IBS. So he has the saddest life ever. And now you want to bully him by hissing at him coming out of the bathroom.

Imagine how mortified that guy would be if he was in the stall. We teach you to practice empathy. Or public shaming of them. So if you really want to embarrass him, I like the group idea, surround him with people either right during his shit or right after out him as the, as the shitsman.

Cause maybe what he gets off to is the fact that he thinks it's anonymous. That's true. So once you like point a finger at him, put the stage light on him. I also think you could talk to HR about it. That's kind of funny. Like they do have to deal with stuff like that. Like people that take shits in a nasty way.

Yeah. If they're disrupting the office, that's HR's job, right? Is he disrupting the office or is he just pooping? He's disrupting the office. He's a disruption. Let them deal with it. That's what they're there for.

Human resources. And what better resource than poop? That's a resource. All right, those are two options for you. Let's take a break, then we'll come back with more questions right on the other side of this advertisement. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl

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Hola. Hola. Nice. It's like hello backwards. No, it's not. Ole. What did you say? Forget it.

I don't want to forget it. I want to know you. Ole. Guacamole. And I'm pissing myself. You also pissed yourself before we started and during the break. I just realized something. Today is June 1st.

If a miracle happens. Oh, my God. Today will today will in fact be the day i know where you're going i don't even want to dare we say i can't i don't want to i don't want to jinx it by saying it but we could be moving into obviously calling it a dream home would be underselling it so yes that's that's at least me leading you to the doorstep of what we're talking about. A dream home. It is the lost city of Atlantis. It is not a dream home.

I did feel bad even calling it that. We recently saw a house that we'd ideally like to move into. It is what's above utopia. Valhalla. Valhalla. Shangri-La. The Garden of Eden. It is a home.

It is a beacon. It is a light. It is an energy source on Raven Nest. It is a house we cannot afford, but it is the one we deserve to be in. It's the house we deserve, but not the house we can afford right now. We ran out of options in our price range, so what deserve but not the house we can afford absolutely we ran out of options in our price range so what we did was double what we can afford and what we saw was actually borderline triple borderline by the way afford we did it was our initial budget that's

right without tripling our income so we just said we are willing to spend what we're not. Just to get in the door. We convinced ourselves in order to walk through these pearly, pearly gates at Raven Nest. And what we saw dumbfounded us. We were awestruck. We were dumbfounded. We were confounded. We were struck founded. It is unfounded,ounded unprecedented i can't imagine a world where we don't live in raven nest i can't imagine a world where to live and to die in raven nest would be more than an honor to die a thousand net to die to die a thousand deaths for one night in raven nest my my goal in life is to find a woman who will bear me a child who will die in Raven Nest. A child to die.

What a proud, proud moment it would be for me to lose an infant. To lose my kid. To my king. For me to feel that sense of shame and sorrow in Raven Nest. I will be a jester. I will be a jester

in the palace that is Ravenven nest i will i will proudly serve the king as a humble humble jester as a servant i will be a prisoner that is to be bound to be beheaded absolutely it would be an honor to find a genie so that i may grant you the other two wishes for i have but one it It is to die in Raven Nest. For me to live there for an eternity as a dead soul would be greater than spending... To be reincarnated as a blade of grass on the lawn of New Zion, of New Jerusalem.

That is Raven's Nest. For me to be a patch of grass that a pig would spend eternity shitting on, as long as it be in raven nest for it to be in raven nest would be such an honor may i ask you a question you already have and i have already answered do you dream of raven nest of course not it wouldn't fit when the house to dream of i don't sleep i stay awake longing for Raven Nest. I lust after her.

Dreaming implies that I'm at a state in my life where I can be restful outside of Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. To Raven Nest. To you, to me, so that we may find the cash. Raise a glass, but do not let the wine touch your lips because the wine of Raven Nest is too sweet to bear. But I bear my soul to Raven Nest, and all I am to be to that that I am for her.

For it, for I, for him to go, to me, it may never be enough. But I will have no less than Raven Nest. I will be homeless before I am denied that house, which I will be, for we offered 50% asking. This is our cover letter. Anyway, we're two comedy writers. To pay rent in Raven Nest is a travesty, a tragedy that I won't allow to happen to me. I can't afford it to happen to me. We took the asking price and we said no chance.

To assign a price to Raven Nest is more than a slap in the face. We slapped the owner across the face. We said your house is worth tenfold what this is. So we'll offer you half. Because you don't deserve half. You don't deserve to own Raven Nest. Only we are the rightful heirs. Excalibur, the sword and the stone, that is the home that I must own.

Can somebody own Mount Everest? Can somebody own Vesuvius? Can you own the ocean? Can you own the sky? Mount Olympus, the kingdom of the gods. Kingdom come. My kingdom come. It actually will make me come.

The river sticks. Do you... Imagine living a night in Raven Nest where you are not plagued by wet, wet dreams. To surf out on a wave of cum as we move out of Ravennest one day. Years and years of nocturnal emissions. Overpowering the home, the en-suites. It is a four bedroom. It is a five bathroom.

There is a pool. There are four en-suites and a is a four-bedroom. It is a five-bathroom. There is a pool. There are four en-suites and a powder room. It is open concept. There is a pool. There is a two-car garage. There is a gate. For I may sleep on that gate. And I don't mean to lay my rest, my head beside the gate.

I do want to firmly Slide my body along the spine Of the top of the gate The gate is fully furnished The gate is a four bedroom studio apartment The gate has an en suite And every house that I've seen Since Raven Nest Is a toilet

It is absolutely not a home I can't imagine living anywhere but And at the same time I can't stress this enough We can't imagine living anywhere but. And at the same time, we can't, I can't stress this enough, we can't afford to live there. As we are speaking right now, we are waiting on the email from our realtor to tell us that we did not get the house. Absolutely, we will not get Raven Nest. We do not deserve Raven Nest. But show me a soul who does.

Impossible. More than improbable. But there is a chance we do get it. And the next couple episodes we'll be recording from there. So that'll be a chill little place. Oh my God, could you imagine? No, I cannot. But before that, actually slightly after, we're going to be in Australia.

Oh. We're coming this week, next week, next week. That would be the biggest tragedy of all. To get Raven Nest to move in on the first and to leave on the second for two. I would miss the house so desperately. I can't. Only an adventure in a new tropical, it's not tropical, exotic continent country could tear me away from Raven Nest. Fortunately, that's what it is.

Great. We're going to be in Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth, uh, five cities, one of which is already sold out. Sydney, dangerously close, uh,

tickets available still on our website. If I were you show.com. Um, I'm sorry. I was lost again. My body is here, but my mind... My soul. My heart.

My eyes. Are with Raven Nest. I can't. To think of Raven Nest would be putting it down. It thinks of me. It thinks of you? I don't think so. It is you.

You are it. That's very good. What bedroom would you want? To Raven Nest. You are it. That's very good. What bedroom would you want? The Raven Nest. The Raven Nest. The master will be the master's room. There are four masters. You have to show some reverence.

The master only has one master. My master is Raven Nest. And your master is me and Raven Nest. What do you mean? She needs me in that master. She wants me in that master. Raven Nest must have me for I am her master. We are husband and wife, that home and I.

Can you imagine finding a woman, a soulmate, after living in Raven Nest? Can you imagine starting a family after having... I only have so much love to give. And? And it is all with her, with Ravennest. Could you imagine sleeping with Ravennest? Can you imagine taking her in as a soulmate and a wife to you? I can imagine letting Ravennest wear a strap-on in Peggy, sir. Can you,

how do you imagine that happening? I would like to put a strap-on on the en suite. What's that? Nothing. Forget I said this. A strapping strap-on on the en suite. All right. Let's get to one last question, shall we? Yes. This one is a relationship question. I'm sorry.

We can only avoid it for so long. Yeah. We get so many relationship questions that even on our special non-relationship episode, one of three. But this one's pretty good. Do you have another? Is there a name worthy of even bringing up after we discuss Raven Nest? A hidden song? I don't think Raven Nest knows a hidden song. I think she is an opera.

I think she is a swan song. I think she's a siren song. Meaning? Meaning I am sailing to her and I will let her consume me knowing that i will die a slow death but to live but to live in raven nest dying in raven nest would be so honorable because it meant we were in it again to raven nest absolutely to ra Nest. Raise your mead and your steed. All right. Raven Nest writes, I do declare you've heard of the friend zone, but have you ever heard of the sloth zone? I have found myself in a quandary of sorts in the strangest variety. I work as a bartender

and the bar is due east from my house. Remember that direction. It will come in handy later. Now, one fine evening, I am tending bar, being a suave and a cool when the gods of alcohol consumption smile down on me and two beautiful girls I had been making conversation with at the bar left me their phone numbers on a single napkin. A notable aside is that for some reason our conversation somehow landed on the topic of sloths. Here's where it gets tricky. They are obviously friends and thus obviously talk, so I didn't know if it could be some sort of trap to text one of them before the other and potentially give away which one I was more interested in. Thinking on my feet, I decided

to try a bold move and text them both in a group message. Even bolder, I didn't say who it was, but going with the conversation from the bar I texted, did someone mention slots? Here's a random fact. Surprisingly, it went over extremely well. We all group texted for a while, and eventually the girl that I secretly was more interested in started texting me separately. Jackpot, right? Nope.com. She still only wants to talk about sloths, and occasionally other cute animals.

I don't mind the animals, but how do I move the conversation away from that, and more towards me wifing this chick up? Did I ruin my chances with the sloth line can i save myself and still have a chance with this girl should i have chosen a better random sloth fact yes sorry dude you are all sloth talk all sloth no moth you are done so learn everything you can about sloths that's what you're going to talk to her about forever. This is a texting phenomenon that I've experienced.

Maybe you have too, is getting stuck in the inside joke mode. Suddenly it's been like, uh-oh, four, five, six, back and forth. I'm an expert at getting out of that mode, and I won't even allow myself to get into that mode. It's quicksand. It's lazy. So what do you do? You bring up the sloth or an inside joke, which is a great way to break the ice.

But then you can't stay on it. Of course not. What would you say is a good amount just as a rule of back and forths? Maximum two. So you say sloth, she makes sloth joke. You make at most one more. And if she makes one more, you're at most one more and if she makes one more you're out 100 done you're gone you are a ghost you don't have to respond to every sloth related thing she says

with something else sloth related change the subject just like in any conversation for example we were talking about what could only be described as like like you said, the gates to New Jerusalem. And then right now we're talking about sloths. Well, when I'm talking, I'm only ever talking about raven nests. Absolutely. Because that is where I am. That is where I belong. That is where I come from.

And that is me. Okay. I feel like I did not accuse i did not i did not accuse we both have a reverence for raven nest let's leave it at that no one reveres her more than i except maybe you so we both so do we revere equally silence shall we do two minutes of silence in reverence to uh raven nest to raven nest I weep for you. To Raven Nest, how sweet your nest. How sad would it be to interrupt a moment of silence To sing a bad song you wrote

Like taking that Considering that as the stage Everybody needs this And here we go Raven-ness Or the fence of Raven-nest For she goes and hi she waddles. Why y'all go to raven nest?

Hey diddle diddle and hey diddle daddle. Raven nest. How sweet the nest. What once was sad is now the best. Oh, Raven Nest. Bad. How dare you? Or even the worst song about Raven Nest is music to everybody's ears.

This is going really well from this guy, this sloth guy, right? Yeah, of course. If somebody takes it from grouped just to you, that's like the flirtiest thing I've ever heard. The thing is leaving your number on a napkin for a bartender. That's dangerous, though, the two numbers. Would you have done the dual text? I would have done exactly what he did. Or, how does he know? We did this once where two girls gave me their numbers,

and I texted the one that was way less attractive. Oh, yeah, that was a cool move. Yeah, and I never texted that other one. And then eventually she texted me. That has nothing to do with this really or there's no applicable lessons here right well anyway so i'm cool uh just know where i'm coming from you just have to stop you don't have to give into the inside joke every time it's also like it's really easy to keep on going back because you're like oh i know that she responds to this i know that she texts me about this right but switch it up like it's your job to move the conversation forward

if you if that's where you want it to go don't just like play the sloth game until she asks you out you've already done something really passive by texting them both and hoping she moves you over to a solo text she's basically taking every swing in this relationship she left the number she left the group chain and now she's like waiting for you to stop fucking talking about sloths and you can't so everything's going great don't discourage just change the subject um what was i about to say when it came up? Oh, right. And if you want to know exactly what to say, text Jake.com, still available.

Oh, that's right. I've helped people get out of this situation. 100% I have. It's a website that allows Jake to text specific, to your specific needs. So you'll upload your conversation and you need Jake to tell you exactly what to respond with sometimes it's nothing sometimes it's too late right would you say that's happened before

i'm sorry i'm eating nuts right now of course you can't eat nuts right now i'm sorry I was really hungry. Nature box. Jalapeno cashews. Brought to you by. See, that wasn't a total derail. That really was just me eating nuts. Sometimes it's too late for your help. Yeah, I would say almost half the time now, it's like, this is kind of inconvenient for me,

but it's like text analysis where people are uploading a ton of their texts and be like, what do you think? Like, how is this going? Should I ask her out? Or like, hey, what, why is this guy, why is this guy going silent on me? Am I doing something wrong? So I'm like reading all these texts and trying to read into people's situations. But it seems like this is the perfect question for you because it seems to be going well. He just needs to know how to pivot from sloths to literally anything else.

How do I stop talking about sloths? It would be so easy. Yeah. That could help. I spend years not talking about sloths and probably so do you. Yeah. But it is good to have something dumb like that to bring up originally. Do you ever like slip stuff like that in to the conversation at first so that you're like, oh, this will be a good thing to text about later?

Or just like, let's say you're talking about nothing in specific with a lady and you're like, oh, I should bring up something really weird and esoteric so that I can bring up later as an inside joke. Or will inside jokes invariably have to come up during a conversation whether it's something specific like slots or something else interesting um I don't think I've ever like secretly inserted an inside joke that I like it usually comes up organically yeah yeah yeah I would say so because every conversation is about something right as long as you as soon as you guys get a common interest, then you can exploit it for a little bit, just like you did with Sloths.

But you can't... It's not the... What's the word? Like the gift that keeps on giving. A gift you can't... Raven Nest? It's not the gift that keeps on giving. A gift. You can't. Raven nest? It's not the gift that keeps on giving. Raven nest is the gift herself.

Okay. She is the gift. She is the one. All right. I'm sorry. She is Adam. She is Eve. She is the serpent.

And she is God. She is the Bible. She is the story. She is Mecca, Muhammad, Allah. Oh, wow. She really is everything and anything and nothing at all the house itself does not exist all at once um so and it is worth 60 of asking that being said i cannot stress how little we can afford this home sir why did we see it the way we did you've built a palace so funny it's like

the image of us walking through all the rooms like oh this is really nice this is great and then knowing what our financial situation was it's like test driving a tesla with 38 dollars in your bank account yeah of course it is a nice car. Yeah, I already knew that. I don't, I think I don't, I haven't done enough in life to deserve it, unfortunately. So for this guy, things are going well. Just change the subject.

Exactly. All right, that's our time. Thank you so much for listening to the show. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, like Amy, don't Hate Me, send them over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Still accepting thumbnail submissions for our

Facebook page every time we upload our podcast. We use original artwork from you, our talented fans. The opening theme song, once again, is from a Spanish group, Amy Don't Hate Me. And this closing one is a full song. It's pretty good. We just felt a little weird opening the show with like a multi-minute song. So it's from a band called The Legacy. Enjoy that. We'll be back next week. And then we'll definitely be in Australia

by the time that episode comes out. All right, bye. We live as one Pesci is hot as a solarium Frank and O'Jess, I'm wearing them I'm numb, but I'm franking out just some very dumb. I'm numb, but I'm done. Branded one like 20 jeans. All my knees can see like jeans, yeah. But only if she's in between.

She wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us all She wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us all She wants to be with me She wants to be with me I guess that she wants to make it three She wants to be with me. I guess that she wants to make it three. She wants to be in the middle.

She wants to be in the middle of us all. And I'm stuck in the middle with you. Wearing sweater like penis and dirty news. Making podcasts like these nerds do. These two. As I long for an answer. I need to know. I'm Belle if I were you to show.

Make fun of me but help me to know. So, get in the middle bitch. Ben Swartz, Tom in the middle ditch. Spin swats, time in the middle ditch Get a spotlight so I can get hella rich Clowns up, lookin' like I've been a bitch Off-shock at a Starbucks Like I see a topless Mark Paul I kick comments, swipe phone

Match with a girl hotter than Jake's mom Quickly flew to a house, man 95 on the freeway 30 minutes later, she gave me head Like I did a little wee way She said she brought a friend I'm like, hey, yeah the freeway. Yeah. 30 minutes later, she gave me head like a little V-Way. She said she brought a friend. I'm like, hey, yeah, freeway.

To my surprise, it was a guy. She said, don't worry, he ain't gay. She wants to be in the middle. She wants to be in the middle of my soul. She wants to be in the middle. She wants to be in the middle of my soul. She wants to be in the middle. She wants to be in the middle of us all. She wants to be with me. She wants to be with me.

I guess that she wants to make it three. She wants to be in the middle. She wants to be in the middle of us all. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.