Segments - 157: Tile and Ring

Episode Date: June 7, 2015

In this episode we discuss new friends and old flames. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, TrunkClub.com and Prosper.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. These two are chill, they're nearly freezing And we almost don't care that they're Jews Oh, cause the cheese that they be seasoning In that regard they're beastin oh you better shape up because you need advice they insultin you they won't think twice so mom turn it down because it's getting absurd and I'm not quite sure how herpes works but that's okay

because Jake's STD free at least that's what he claims I'm not really sure well here's what I would do with Jake and Amir if I were you this is what they would do with Vance and the Pinship

they would be you at gmail.com Do you have it? Game! Wow. I love that. Do you know what that was a parody of? Fuck me. It's so familiar, but no. You better shape up better shape up oh wow because i need a man

i really loved that start to finish i loved that one what do you think lovinsville you seem way preoccupied right now i am pouring us two little glasses of whiskey. Oh, yeah. It's weird. I've never seen you this happy before. When you hold the whiskey in your hand, you cheer up. I love it. I love to drink. I absolutely do. I like the way it tastes, and I like the way it makes me feel.

Okay. Cheers. All right. I might not get around to having a sip just quite yet. That's cool. I'll have yours. I don't want you to have mine. I do. I'm ch get around to having a sip just quite yet. That's cool. I'll have yours. I don't want you to have mine.

I do. I'm chugging the bottle. Here we go. I said, hey, we should record. He said, let's have one where we're drinking. I'm like, I don't know. I feel weird. It's only, it's two in the afternoon.

And then you're like, hey, I'm already a bit buzzed. Yeah. And then I also did an upper and a downer, so I'm even keel. He said, watch me do a mediumer right now uh just joking it's saturday it's saturday night so this is sort of our like uh this is how nerds get ready to go out they they they drink and then they record and then they they hit the town i actually might go out alone all right that's all right too hell i don't even know if a lot of the bars will let me in. I don't have my ID.

I do not have my passport. What I do have is my Israeli passport, and it is expired. And it just says Shmuel. That's right, and it says it in Hebrew, big block, Hebrew letters. But that's what I'm going to go for tonight. I like the way whiskey tastes. In addition to how it makes you drunk? Yeah, I like to be drunk.

Because when I'm drunk, I feel confident. Yeah. Oh, and you can't feel that way without? Yeah, well, sometimes, like, if I'm in a bad mood and I drink, then I'll feel better. And then if I'm in a happy mood and I drink to celebrate, then I also feel even better. So it always makes you feel better? Yeah. There's really no downside to it.

Cut to tomorrow. I have a picture of you when i say hungover what's like a good example of how hungover you've been because i have a mental image right now uh was it uh in silver like throwing up on the porch no but that's good too uh i was imagining you in the bathtub with a damp towel over your head and like the shower coming down on you with like lukewarm water yeah was that that was the same night oh was it because that was the day that you and marty went to the hotel and i was gonna come and then i was like actually i don't think i can go and then you guys are just like standing in the front of the house as i was puking over the balcony so yeah there is a negative there's an equal but opposite reaction right how else do you get confidence if not through drinking um new haircuts that's right yeah we got two we got matching haircuts today yeah we kind of did but uh we were trying to

psych ourselves up before we got it as to like how short we would allow the sides to be he we're just like i think i'm gonna go three like i think we can go shorter than that like wow really shorter than the three it's scary it is scary even though it's it's the difference is eighths of millimeters yeah so there you can't really tell uh i ended up getting a one and a half and i got a zero over the whole thing you got you look like mr clean but you look so you look a lot better now than you did i mean the before and after pictures are startling yeah my hair was too long and it was very ugly yeah it was like ratty and dry towards the ends of it because there that was hair that's been around since uh like february yeah we filmed it was pre when we were filming the last episodes of jake and amir right

so basically somebody could watch an early video when i got a haircut and that was the last time it was you'd look like woody allen annie hall like annie hall woody allen haircut where it's like a little bit on top and then oompa loompa also off to the sides. Yeah. Why did it take you so long to get a haircut? I really don't. I think because I like extremes. I like when my beard gets really, really long and then I like will shave it with a straight razor.

Right. I just like big transformations. Yeah. So I think that's probably part of it. But I also, I wanted to just see how long I could grow my hair. I like doing many things at once like i'm not gonna shave or cut my hair until i feel healthy it's like if i have a cold i'm gonna let myself get ugly and bad yeah and then once i'm feeling good again i will like trim

and get a haircut and buy a new shirt oh i love that yeah sometimes i'll like buy a pair of shorts or something and i'll be like i'll wear i remember actually i bought a shirt and i didn't wear it until i i was like i'm not gonna wear this shirt till i get a six-pack you still it's still hanging in your closet i saw it took i think six years and i only had a six-pack for uh two months is it a six-pack if you flex or it has to be like a non-flexing six-pack i don't know i guess i don't know what i feel like i feel like if you can flex and have a six-pack that's pretty good that's a six-pack can i show you what i have and you can tell me if you think that's a six-pack yeah all right i'm gonna stand up away from the microphone

oh my god you're covered in boils yeah i for sure i certainly call that a six-pack so i can say i have a six-pack yeah i have one then you finally have a six-pack have you been working out a lot uh i've been working out the same amount that i usually do dieting uh yeah you know my diet is like uh I guess you've slowly been... I mean, you've had that for a while. Yeah. I basically don't... I try not to eat a lot of bread. I usually get the healthy...

The most delicious healthy option. Right. So, like, I'll have, like, a veggie burger instead of a cheeseburger. That's nice. And I'll have sweet potato fries instead of regular fries. I don't want to get drunk with you anymore tonight or ever this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake uh i was wondering how long it was gonna take i know i think that might be a record uh i didn't mind it i have a six pack um all right so what is this show really cool for real by the way

uh this is an advice podcast people are in desperate need of our advice what do you feel like you need to work out now that your six pack is finished oh like what's my next thing that i what's your next fitness goal good question i think, I think I still have like chub that I can get rid of if like, I'm not willing, I'm only willing to go 90% health, right? Like I will get a wrap and like mashed potatoes, but I'm not willing to like eat a salad for every single meal. Right. And that's like what it takes to get like legit or work out twice as hard as you do like yeah you take a three mile run and you could take a six mile run or you could do like interval training with sprints and stuff that would just it's like which which direction are

you trying to uh right or like sometimes i'll do push-ups and sometimes i won't sometimes i'll do a six minute ab exercise and sometimes I won't. But if I did something like literally every day and then didn't eat any bread at all, I feel like the change would be marginal, but the change in effort would be so monumental that it wouldn't be worth the marginal change. But like that's the difference between having like, I don't know. I feel like you would, maybe it would look marginal, but you would feel. A lot better.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if I would though. Put it in math terms. I think I would be. But you'd feel like a fucking lot better. If I didn't eat cookies, I think I'd be, and french fries, I think I'd be sadder than the happiness I would gain by looking slightly better. Yeah.

So it's like a give and take. I'm not trying to like, I don't want to deprive myself of everything because then I wouldn't be happy enough when I do achieve those things that I want to achieve. What else was I going to say? Working out, fitness goal, running,

happiness, sweet potato fries. I'm always just happiness. Sweet potato fries. I'm always just thinking of sweet potato fries. All right, maybe it'll come to me. Okay. Let's try to answer a question. These are real people seeking our advice for whatever reason. So here we go.

Do you have a fake name to give this guy? Tile. That's a good fake name. Thank you. So quite a while ago, I was tending bar and a girl gave me her number. We texted for a while and all was going quite well. We made plans to meet up one weekend,

but my mom asked me to go to a concert with her and I couldn't say no. So I told the girl who had given me her number that the situation had come up and I had to cancel. We haven't talked since. Meanwhile, I started dating someone else, but that ship has docked. Is there any hope of rekindling the interest of the enthusiastic bar patron who thought that I was attractive enough to engage with? Or has that ship set sail forever?

Love, Tyle. Basically, is there a statute of limitations? Someone gives you their number, and if you don't do anything about it, and let's say this relationship lasts six months, is that too late? I don't think it's ever too late. Ever, ever? Because it's so fun and flirtatious to be like, here's my number. Use it if you want.

And then that's sort of like a microburst of energy. Like, oh, fuck yeah like i got a number yeah so that's one instance of fun excitement out of nowhere this is cool unexpected wasn't planning for this hooray and then fizzles whatever but as a fizzle down to zero is the i think it's fine if it does i think it does of course fizzle down to zero but it's fine if it does fizzle. I think it does, of course, fizzle down to zero. But it's not like he blew it so hard that the door can't be opened again. I feel like you can always peek in. If it's that casual and lighthearted initially, he could, of course, just be like, hey, it's me again. Is the spark still there by any chance?

Right. Except not that fucking lame. No, yeah. Of course. I would say, is the spark there per chance oh that's fucking hot what do you text someone that you haven't spoken to in a year that gave you their number a year ago um i would probably just say hey exclamation point what about that drink question mark and they'll be like who is this yeah that's a risk that you run but like

the stakes are so low if she says who is that i think that's the real question like if if you do something like that and they say who is this do you even respond so you're like yeah totally you can go for it it's only been a year if they say who is this i think i'm gone forever again. Maybe. A year break, I say, hey, let's get a drink.

They say, who is this? And I block their number. That is such a slap in the face. It's just a stone wall that I'm not even willing to entertain the notion of climbing over it.

there's no more fun, flirty, like, there's no fun, flirty way to explain your name to someone. Like, hey, hey, let's, how about that drink after all?

It's kind of funny to say that after six months. Then they say, who is this? And then you just have to be like a mere Shmuel Blumenfeld. Oh, so you're saying I can't say my name because my name sounds weird. I don't know if I said, hey, let's get that drink. She says, who is this? I guess I would probably say like, oh, no, monkey covering his eyes emoji. Then my name.

Or I would say. This is tough. I would say my name and then another message that said, I should have known you'd give you would have given up on me by now oh like make it sound overly dramatic yeah and like that you don't blame her for deleting your number or whatever i snoozed and i loosed i snozzed and i lost and i deserve to be like that's an example of something that's funny to, but if you said that to a girl, she would be like, that's bad. Do you ever just go for it?

Like, this is crazy and kind of weird, but if you don't get this, then maybe we're not meant to be. Or do you always err on the side of Kosh? I probably mostly err on the side of Kosh. Sometimes I'll go, I'll take like, I'll do something very sarcastic and hope that they get it but I think also sarcasm is something that you wouldn't have to like see me in person and know that I'm sarcastic right it's hard to translate over text yeah at least initially I it's not that I wouldn't trust anybody to not get my sense of humor I would just be like you have to build towards it so it's like a slow ramp up uh so with this guy you can rekindle hey how about that drink or

although the last text message between the two would be like uh uh hey sorry i have to cancel uh that's funny if you're well but you can't go off that because if she doesn't have that thread anymore then it would make no sense at all but don't you sometimes like to uh reference the thread like uh something let's say hey sorry i can't make it tonight i'm going to a concert with my mom she says no worries and then six months later isn't it sometimes funny to be like hey the concert just ended yeah hey longest concert ever yeah what are you up to like make a joke about that i do i guess if it's something that memorable like hey i can't see you i'm going to a concert with my i i think only if it's memorable i think if you're going

solely on the last message it's a little dangerous because not everybody saves their texts doesn't it isn't it always saving automatically it does save automatically but i sometimes delete them so basically he can text uh yes yeah the there is no statute of limitations um all right we need yet another name of a man you come up with it it has to be a fake name yeah ring ring ring ring tile and ring that's our names tonight when we go out oh my god hey what's up i'm tile we don't need games to make me more self-aware and self-conscious around people i already feel weird when i go out you don't have to say oh we're so hot and handsome that like let's do this thing where you have to introduce yourself as a weird thing like let's make this game a little more challenging it's already hard enough for me it's fun to do that it's not fun to

say hey my name is ring i'm gonna introduce you to my name is ring i'll introduce myself as jake and then i'll say this is my friend ring this is my friend ring yeah and they'll say what that's right his parents liked rings rights. Been a long time listener. Oh, sorry. Ving Rames's name is Ving. Actually, his legal name is Ring Vames. No shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's a spoonerism. Okay, here we go. Ving, sorry. Ring Vites. No. E-Vites. No. Ring Rights. You've had one sip of whiskey.

And I'm already done. And I love it. I don't need to go out. I'm already there. Ring-rites. Basically, me and my friends have been lacking some female affection recently. Don't get me wrong, we aren't ugly or anything. It's just that we've taken a backseat from the ladies scene as of late. Anyway, trying to create some kind of bridge with another group of girls, I started messaging this

girl I used to know from back in the day. She's chill, a solid 8.5 out of 10, but here's where the problem begins. She's part of a relatively attractive group of girls, a couple dimes among them, one of whom is her best friend. So I've been messaging this 8.5 for weeks now, and I'm starting to really like her. I've invited her and her friends to a party that's coming up so that my friends and her friends can mingle. But about a week ago, bear in mind this is two weeks before the party, the 8.5's best friend, one of the dimes, started messaging me. She's been very flirtatious and even sends me pics of her looking hot in a bikini asking me what I think of her. I haven't I like that he needed to say, do i wait till i meet them both at a party and let that let things sort out themselves thanks love ring i like that he needed to say don't get me wrong we aren't ugly he needed you and i to know he wasn't have we ever just made fun of somebody on this podcast

because we thought they were ugly yeah probably on the on the outside only on the inside we make fun of people all the time for being ugly on the inside. You also, you don't have to tell us that you've been lacking in some female affection recently. Your neuroses speak so many volumes that we know, we know that this is a very precious and exciting moment for you as you invited someone to a party three weeks in advance and you're freaking out two weeks in advance as to which hot girl you should bone? Should I go for the 8.5?

I don't know. Things are looking really good, but there is a 10 out of 10. It's so mathematical. Oh shit, also a 9. My god. One of the girls is a 9 and the other one's a 9.25 and I'm sort of unable to differentiate. Uh oh, my friend is fucking all five of them. Oh shit. I was too busy ranking

them you're too busy rating everyone out of 10 you're a zero loser oh sorry i was looking in a mirror when i said that i feel like this is a uh uh rite of passage almost for like it's so not an actual problem, but you get so hung up on it when you're single and you're a dude and you're like, chasing after girls. It's exciting to make it a problem. Right. Because you're thinking about it all the time.

And the only way to warrant the amount of space in your brain that it's occupying is to make it sort of like a conundrum that you have to solve. Yeah. But like really what you want, what your question is, is like, two girls like me, two girls like me. This one's hot. This one's hotter. This one's hot. They're going to come to a party. Two girls like me. Hooray. You don't actually need to decide anything yet.

Of course not. It's fine. But I do, I think that like, I used to do this all the time as well. Just be like, do I like this girl? Do I like this girl? But it was only that I liked thinking about girls. It wasn't that like, I actually needed to decide who I liked. Do you ever have that thing where you're like, there's these two attractive friends that are both equally into me and I have to choose one and the other will be alienated forever? That doesn't exist. But you know what else I don't think exists? I don't think anybody ever sits down and weighs all the options and makes an educated decision about which person they're

going to be more attracted to. I think you just like to think about it. So it just comes up. You just are. You'll find yourself being attracted. Yeah. You can't like talk yourself into or out of being attracted to someone. So if he's like, I like this 8.5, a 10 likes me and I don't know which one I like. Who should I decide? These are the pros. These are the cons.

All he's really enjoying is that it's happening. And then when the party's taking place, that's when you'll know who you're attracted to because you'll be like, I want to talk to this girl. I mean, this is good. I mean, it is a fun problem to have. I was just joking calling him a zero. I mean mean this guy's sort of like me in a way he's just super uh neurotic and analytical about any any specific problem that comes he's like every person

though ever every every guy i've ever met right just so like all right in two weeks i'm gonna have a party and one of them is a is a this and the other one is a that and how do i make sure that there are three options all right there are three options and i have to choose which one a party and one of them is a is a this and the other one is a that and how do i make sure that there are three options all right there are three options and i have to choose which one why don't you go to having a party is planning for it which actually which completely means nothing why don't you just go to the party without anything in your mind and see what happens right that's like one of the advice someone i think it was milana on our show she's like the best thing you could do on a date is not think about how it's going to end just enjoy the moment

because if you're thinking about the end it's like oh should i kiss should i hug should i handshake should i do this should i do that should i do the other why don't you just enjoy what's happening currently and then see what happens if one of the opportunities should present themselves whether it's with one girl or the other, I say go for it, because the hardest thing to do is actually, I mean, you already wrote for it, so figure it out.

Let's say, I wouldn't turn, getting a girl. I wouldn't turn down for what? Yeah, I wouldn't turn down for whom. Getting a lady or a guy is a very difficult thing to do. It doesn't happen often in your life. Even if you do it a lot, it's a small percentage of your life.

That's true. Like, let's say you sleep with 100 girls, which is a ton, or 100 guys. That's still like 5% of a given decade. Of course, I haven't done any of that math at all, so I can't really. Yeah, I couldn't understand. I mean. 100 out of 3,000, let's say, 3,000 days. You sleep with 100 girls.

That seems like a lot, but it's only like one in every 30? 300. One in every 300. See, this is what happens when I drink. It's a small percentage of your day. It's a special. You don't want to find out?

How many days in a decade? Oh, my God. All right. I'm going to do the math right here. This is why my number is lower than 100. So 365 days. You're doing the math for my number. Yeah.

So there's 3,650 days in a decade. Let's say you have sex 200 of those days, which is a lot. I don't even know if it's a lot because you have a girlfriend. You have sex many. Okay. How about. What if you don't have a girlfriend? So let's say.

Girlfriends don't count towards the number. A hundred times you have. Well, look, we count once. We count once. A hundred times you have sex with a girl for the first time. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. First time. Having sex for the first time is very exciting.

It happens once every, so let's say there's 365 days and you do it a hundred times. So that's once every, this is if you sleep. Wait, this is a hundred people in a year? A hundred people in a decade. Oh, in a decade? Yeah. It happens once every month in a year? 100 people in a decade. Oh, in a decade? Yeah. It happens once every month in a week, five weeks. So it's a special thing.

It's not like food where you have it every day, and it's not like this weekend which happens once a week. It happens every five weeks if you're doing it very, very well. So what I'm trying to say is that it's so special when it's happening that I wouldn't be like i'll pass on this one and see if something else develops i would say just go for it oh interesting because i mean and a hundred you did a lot of work to make it not interesting with all the calculating but in a perfect world i could have gotten to that number in my head. Yeah. This calculator that you see has to be in my brain.

This can't be here. On the computer. On the computer, absolutely. This computer should be between my eyes. I'll finish your drink for you. I'm okay without it. I'm okay without it. All right, hand it over.

Let go. Hey! I'm biting your hand. The advice is to relax and go for it i don't know what else to say other than that i think yeah that's perfect relax and go for it let's see what happens can you let us know what happened yeah uh we'll reply to this email so that you know we talked about and then you can let us know what happened uh all right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more after this. Thank you as well to trunkclub.com for sponsoring this episode. trunkclub.com. It's like a personal stylist. That sounds pretty unique and convenient. You just woke up and you said that. You didn't even know what I was talking about.

Yeah, I was having a dream where I could buy my clothes online rather than having to go to a store. That's right. What is Trunk Club? Basically, it assigns you a personal stylist. So you just say what kind of look you want, what kind of style and size, and they assign a real person to help style you. How about if the look I want is awesome and the style I want is cool? They can do Really? Yeah, they email you a list of clothes they recommend sending you. You approve, and at no cost to you, they'll ship a full trunk of fresh clothes. You try them on, you keep what you want, and send back what you don't in a prepaid box. That's it. That's pretty, it's pretty cool, and we've actually used Trunk Club.

We're not just saying whatever because they gave us money. And how did it work? It was, well, frankly, it was great. It really, really was. That's right. They send you a whole ton of clothes that you wouldn't think to buy for yourself. You don't have to go shopping. It's basically like having, it's as if you're really wealthy and you paid someone to go shopping for you, send you the clothes, and then you just ship back what you don't like. Actually, we're here. We're on vacation right now, and I brought one of those sweaters I got from Trunk Club. It's a, I don't know what the brand is,

but it's like a really soft crew neck sweater that has a pocket as if it's a hoodie. It's pretty nice. So these are the types of things we're talking about, people. If this service interests you, by the way, did we mention it's free? The stylist, the shipping, did we mention it's free? The stylist, the shipping, the shopping,

it's all free. You only pay for the clothes you keep. If this service interests you, check out trunkclub.com slash if I were you. You know, like the name of our show. Trunkclub.com slash if I were you. Easy enough. We used it and we loved it.

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And just to sweeten the pot a little bit, a $50 Visa prepaid gift card. Go to prosper.com slash ifiwereyou. That's prosper.com slash ifiwereyou. Now, let's get back to the show. Recording this episode on a Saturday in May. By the time you hear it, we are in Australia. We'll be there. We'll be there. We'll be in Melbourne on the way to Adelaide for our first show. This episode comes out on Monday, June 8th.

Our first show is Tuesday, June 9th in Adelaide. Oh, wow. So there's still time to promote the Adelaide show. That's right. This is it. The Adelaide show is tomorrow. If you're listening to this on Monday, June 8th. We'll have already taken the 15-hour flight.

Yeah. I'm not looking forward to that. That's the worst part about traveling is the actual traveling. I don't, I don't, I i mean it's not like i love flying right but i don't find it so abhorrent that it would it's not even like i'm not even thinking about it oh i'm thinking about it and it's not a scare thing it's just a boredom thing 15 hours on a on a seat so you're like actively i'm dreading this flight i'm like i don't know what i'm gonna do on it i'm gonna download mad men episodes and like, I don't know what I'm going to do on it. I'm going to download Mad Men episodes and watch it.

I don't know if I should bring a sleeping pill. I don't know if I should do this. All of the above. I'm going to ride on the plane. You and I are going to work on our script for a little bit until midnight. That would be nice. Then I'm going to pop a pill. I'm going to sleep until, you know, whenever.

Of course, because time is sort of weird when you're flying across the international date line probably sleep for at least six hours okay that's solid and then i wake up and what there's like then you sort of wake up and you're like okay now this is like a trip in la to new york trip right like six hours i can handle that right all you have to do is work a little sleep a little wake up and then it's like a five-hour trip. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's good. You're right. All right. I'll go to Australia. Oh, thank God. Our show's tomorrow in Adelaide. Tuesday in Adelaide. Tickets are still available as of now. Sydney, or sorry, the day after we're in Melbourne, that show is sold out. Sorry, babies. I think Melbourne is going to be

popping off because those are all people that got tickets before the entire show sold out. 800 people. Sydney on Wednesday, June 11th. Brisbane on Thursday, June 12th. Sorry, Friday, June 12th. And then the last show is Perth on Sunday, June 14th. Tickets still available. Streeter is going to be there, too.

I don't know about you guys but i'm just excited to hang out with streeter again yeah um i'm not even thinking about the shows i'm thinking about like after the shows and asking people to take us to whatever place uh people rage at in perth on a tuesday oh that'd be nice yeah sunday whenever our show is it's it's half a show and then half a Yeah, we're relying on people to take us out. That's right. So basically, we need you to come. Please come.

Yeah, if you're on the fence and you're like, oh, I actually know some cool places, we actually need you to arrive. Wait for us until after the show. We appreciate the money you'll spend on us, but we really actually mostly appreciate your guidance. Of course. We need friends.

And I know what you guys are thinking. I don't want to hang out with those two guys they haven't gotten a haircut recently like we said we did get a haircut today we are looking fresh to death we're cut i'm actually going to be borrowing my roommate's uh bomber jacket well you don't know i think i'll be borrowing marty's bomber jacket all right if y'all see me in a bomber jacket you'll know i borrowed it uh another but i own it and wait no so you borrow it i didn't borrow it uh another update in our lives is that uh by the time this episode comes out we will be homeless we did not get we did not we did not acquire we were not presented with the opportunity to enter Raven Nest. Nor do we deserve to be entering Raven Nest. We made an offer.

The offer was so low, the owners did not even humor us with a counter. They didn't even laugh at us. They stared at us blankly. Of course, laughing would be acknowledging it. We floated down onto their feet like a leaf, and they didn't have to do anything about it grasp for the ark and stone and what did we receive we received nothing but ash coal and ash for that is what we deserve and that is what we are and in the shadow of raven nest uh so that that that, sorry, that haven. Her glory be. Absolutely.

Praise be to her. Uh, will exist only in that one visit to us, only in our mind's eye. And I'm not a hundred percent sure we ever were there. Explain that. I think you and I died a death. I think we died a death and I think Raven Nest it was purgatory I can't imagine to show us what we could have

to show us what there was and then to show us what we are and who we'll never be how much good have we done on this limited time on earth for us to have died and seen the light of Raven Nest I feel saintly for that For us to have died and seen the light of Ravennest. Yeah.

I feel saintly for that. I feel. For only a few such important special souls. To pull at the sword of Excalibur. Mm-hmm. The sword and the stone, though we couldn't remove it. To have the opportunity to grasp the handle and to yank at the blade. To touch the stone. To touch the stone.

To see the stone. To be considered is an honor. It was an honor to be before her gate, to listen to the siren song, and then we did try to bed the siren, but she would not give herself to us. Of course, nor do we deserve it. We offered so little for what can you offer. Did I ever tell you I shit in the driveway there? What? I shit in the driveway.

On the way out. I swear to Jesus, when I turned around and saw that turd, it was nothing but three Cadbury eggs. Uniformly placed, stacked on top of each other. That is the power of Raven, yes. And it is deserved, and it is so. Let us never ever speak of it again, for it is unspeakable.

To Raven Nest. All right, let's get to one last question. We got to hop aboard this flight. I drank two whiskeys in the time that you have not drank one yeah about half all right you want to read this question while i while you finish that yeah while you finish that baby the fake name i'll give this person is it a lady uh no good it is not and i will give this gentleman the fake name of uh smort s hyphen sorry s apostrophe lowercase s apostrophe m-o-r-t he loves s'mores his name was mort he loves he went on one camping trip yeah he had it honestly he only had two s'mores, but everyone else had one. Some people had two. Yep.

Actually, they had three. But anyway, smort. Smortimer writes. Smort writes. Hey, Jake and Amir. Me and my friends all go to different unis, but we always meet up in the holidays to catch up and hang out. The problem is one of my friends always brings his sister along without asking. This wouldn't be so bad, except this dame is a stone-cold bitch.

She is really mean and distant to everyone and keeps messing up the group dynamic by getting off with or fucking the guys in the group. We've talked about it, and none of us want her there. But it's got to the point where the only way we can avoid her is by not inviting our friend to stuff. How can we politely tell this guy that his sister is not welcome without it being awkward? Thanks for your help. Samort.

I don't know about this chick, you guys. She blew Daryl, fucked Michael, she fucked David. I feel like she fucked everyone except for me at this point. She's actually a stone-cold bitch bitch he's such a bitch she's like fucking with the dynamic she's boning she like is hooking up with all our friends not

me of course but all of everybody else so raise your hand if you fuck okay see how it's everyone but me and you nobody even freaking likes her except for me or i did i might not i don't like her i just i'm i'm curious as all to fuck because you all did it and you all liked it so i say i for one either cast her away and we never hang out with her or i get to have sex with her and make her my girlfriend and you guys never because she's with me she is not a bitch i don't know we don't know we don't know we just don't know uh even if everybody else does agree with this guy and they're like we want her out man she's fucking up the group dynamic she's hooking up with us she's not doing it by herself you're hooking up with her yeah it's she's screwing it up because of you you can't like hook up with her and then say god you fucked up the dynamic

you mean what is the dynamic of this group that doesn't that seem like a thing a girl can do is like threaten to sleep with all your friends yeah like if a girl if you were dating a girl and she was kind of crazy right and they're like i think we have to break up and then she's like if you break up with me i'm gonna fuck all of your friends if i was dating a girl she was like all right i'm gonna blow a mirror i think i would probably if she was like i'm gonna if you break up with me i'm gonna suck a mirror's dick but not just me it would be like me dave jeff like okay i'm gonna suck every single guy's dick and you could be like i'm gonna tell them not to but odds are they wouldn't care well odds are definitely dave's doing oh yeah dave's already going well actually dave's married

at this point oh okay so besides dave or dave three years ago especially if she did it in like a really cool even tempered way not like well i'm gonna fucking blow all your friends right they're not gonna do it if you seem this unstable she's like and i'm gonna blow your friends no i can con them i'll tell them i need to talk that i want to get over you and i just want to like go out and get a drink with somebody and then we'll get to drinking and i'll touch their leg they'll think think, oh, wait, what is this? And then, you know, of course, if I just want to blow them, you know your friends, they'll let me.

I would be really afraid. I would be fearful, I think. I would be scared. I might be scared that she would do it anyway. So you might as well end ties and hope for the best be like all right do whatever you want i can't i can't deal with this yeah that's a completely different issue i don't even know why that came a girl yeah no girls could easily wreak havoc yeah they are on a group of guy friends because girls just men are so jealous and so horny they're so jealous

and horny we can't stress that enough the two worst things you can be are like i jealous and horny. We can't stress that enough. The two worst things you can be are like, I'm super horny and super jealous. So I'll be angry and also want a nut. I want to come and yell. I love the idea of coming and none of my fucking friends get to. Only I do. Life is a competition. And then we talk about it and celebrate me because I came the hardest and the most and for the most people and in the most people and with the most people.

I borderline had sex once every 36 and a half days and nobody's given me the attaboy. Nobody's given me the gas. I definitely didn't do it because it felt good. I did it because my friends would be impressed. So what can you do? What would you do?

What would you do? To get rid of a sister. Could you stop inviting a guy isn't it easier to just tell him not to invite his sister i guess the easiest thing would be to uh tell him that his sister is hooking up with all your friends yeah you don't want a guy wouldn't be like down i don't have a sister so i don't really get that like when your sister is dating a guy are you like a dad are you protective are you like okay what how does it work if you're a brother i had to like go through a transformation with my sisters because when i was younger it was like no one's allowed to touch them you know i'm was a protective older brother

like i don't want a guy talking to my sisters i don't want any of my friends working with my sisters and then you like you get older and you realize that people like to be touched and have orgasms. And you don't want to deprive your sisters of that happiness. I don't like to think about it happening. But I would obviously want everybody that I love and care about to feel good in every possible way. And sexually, sex is a way that you feel good. And I want them to have fulfilling sex lives. But then you don't think about like, hey, don't touch my fucking sister.

It's just like, hey, don't be an asshole to her. Yeah, don't be mean. So I'm sure if you told this guy that his sister was sleeping with all of your friends, he would want – there's not a lot of brothers who are like yeah i don't care have at her yeah but then like then this guy the tattletale's fucking with the dynamic also like what is he gonna say and she's fucking everybody with me dude she's fucked yeah she blew him fucked him made out with him and i'm getting like jack shit and you think that's fair do you think it's because my name is smart i mean i don't even know how to rationalize this. One and a half Smores.

Smores. So you're saying don't tell the guy that his sister is hooking up? Well, because if you're worried about the friend dynamic, that's certainly going to fuck with it. If you're like, hey, all of your friends are boning your sister. I don't understand the kind of guy who's like, let me bring my sister around with all of my dude friends. You wouldn't do that. I would bring, yeah, no, I don't think I would at all. Would you bring any girl to a guy's night or especially not a sister? How does that work? Female friend? Yeah, I probably, I mean, I don't know. I guess, do we have like guys nights?

Sometimes we hang out dudes. But I feel like that's never like a conscious decision. Like, hey, tonight's guys night. It's just like we're mostly friends with guys. Every night of ours is guys night by default. Every night is just like, hey, let's hang out with our friends. And then we know four guys. Yeah.

That's our guys night. So what'd you tell this guys to do uh to i think he is way too focused on this sister it's fine that she's there yeah and if it bothers you a lot i guess you can talk to him about it but what a weird thing to say don't bring your sister around i don't like people that are like so focused on it like keeping a certain dynamic you have to just there's an ebb and a flow and an evolution and like but i can imagine you getting mad at like a guy that you don't like constantly being there you're like why do we hang out with this dude i don't like this guy yeah but i was like ruining my night but not like to not bring him so say we hung out with this guy a guy that we really liked. And every time he was around, he brought another guy that we all really despised.

I don't, does this actually happen ever? Because that would help me channel my emotions. I don't know. But sooner or later, you would just like, in your mind, you would group those two guys. You're like, I don't like these two guys here so it's like almost like it negatively his his badness uh is contagious and it's like he's infected this good guy now it's like i don't like these two guys because it contains 50 that guy interesting it's like i how i don't like chocolate vanilla swirl ice cream because i don't like chocolate suddenly Suddenly I'm not eating vanilla anymore.

I mean, how is that right? You did finally finish your whiskey, so I understand why you're crying. And it does look like chocolate at this point. I think the last time we did a drunk podcast like on our own, not in a live show, we got way more wasted. I'm pretty drunk. Are you? Yeah.

Good man. We gonna go out? Dude, are you kidding me? Bottoms up. What's your last bit of advice for this guy, just so we can end this episode? Here's what I think. You're never gonna get the same group of friends that you have that you want back. You're not gonna get this restoration to the old group dynamic.

Right. You might as well embrace that this girl's there, or sorry, not embrace it, but just ignore that she's there. Oh. Talk to your other friends. Maybe you're not going to have a big guy group thing. At least not with your manipulating it, you're not.

It might just happen organically. It's going to happen naturally. But just try not to be such a little bitch about excuse me of course and talk to your other friends and don't talk to the stone the stone cold ice queen yeah also i do think you like her that being said i feel like if she slept with you and not your friends it wouldn't be an issue except for that it would because then you would be like i love this girl and all my friends fucked her so what you should do is ask this girl out no either kick her out or ask her out there you go either way i'm blind oh oh no oh no

all right that's it that's our episode come see us in australia if you in Australia if you are in Australia and you haven't bought tickets yet. How fucking crazy is that? We're going to be there. We're there right now if you're listening to this. The opening theme song was written by Colin. Colin, I don't know if we ever said thank you. So thank you, Colin. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions,

go email ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnail submissions. You know, every time we upload our podcast to Facebook, we use original artwork created by you, our talented fans. Once again, the opening theme song was written by Colin, and this closing one was written by Ethan, whose band is called Dead Arcade, and they have a SoundCloud page.

So if you go to soundcloud.com slash deadarcade, you can listen to more from Ethan. And here's a little bit right now. Thanks for listening, guys. We'll be back on Monday. Bye if you go to soundcloud.com slash deadarcade, you can listen to more from Ethan. And here's a little bit right now. Thanks for listening, guys. We'll be back on Monday. Bye. I've got some problems

to help to solve them. What would you do? I've got some issues for these two Jews to help me get through. They said go to Starbucks, say you knew you Enter the nightclubs

I'll make her crack to quit I'm here, don't give a shit Looks like you're fucked, but Today was all about you But tonight's about me Me, me, me Hit me on Tinder Told I don't text her I'm on peace without God Hit me on Tinder.

I told her I don't text her. I'm a piece of that gun. You need help and you know what to do. The Why Were You Show at gmail.com With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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