Segments - 158: Matt Damon

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

In this episode we discuss eating habits, group sex, and Matt Damon. This episode is brought to you by CreditKarma.com, MeUndies.com, and Squarespace.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm deep in trouble. I'm in a pickle. One guy, none of that better. Double who could better tell you what to do than if I were you? My father, my brother, my sister, my daughter, my friends all hate me I don't know why, maybe it has to do with the fact that I get so hot Or maybe because I cheated on her I'm a cat murderer, he's my best bro

But I still think she likes me better My wife give handjob on a tour bus I have issues with trust Wanna hear my problem, cause I tell you If I must, if I must If I were you I'd tell you what to do If only I were you Pierre Cahiers. Was that sublime?

It was reggae. It was Sublime. Oh, it was Sublime to listen to. No, it was actually Sublime the band. Oh. I think Bradley Noel rose from the dead. What Sublime song did it sound like? Mucho gusto.

Me llamo Bradley. I am a tacate Ron Jeremy. i am a talker then ron jeremy i am a talker tayron jeremy yeah i didn't know he had the gi joe kung fu grip you didn't know he had the gi joe that's a part about somebody uh jerking him off what i didn't know she had the G.I. Joe Kung Fu Grip. Caress me down. And I say, ooh. That's him getting J-Doh. He said he hadn't heard, or Pierre, the guy who wrote this song,

said he hadn't heard us play a reggae song, so he wrote one for us. Very cool. Talented guy. Thank you. Reggae tone. No, just reggae reggaeton that's reggae with an air horn i got it um i just ate we just scarfed down food really quickly yep made me think yet again about what a bad eater i am you were like hunched over the desk yeah sort of shoveling food into your face right

like does this happen to other people like i some sandwiches i can't eat because they're the the bread is too hard and the ingredients are like soft i think it's because i don't have a bite like my my teeth don't look at this oh yeah so like i'll bite down on something and pull the sandwich away and then like a piece of chicken will just slide out from in between the bun and just stay in my teeth. I have the same thing. I think I just don't have sharp teeth. I think it's hard for them to cut through the meat.

The bread and the meat. We weren't made to eat. Evolutionarily, we should be dead. But I'm in the bottom 5% of eating normally. If it's a burrito, I can't eat it. Like it'll just come apart. Food will fall all over my lap. I have to eat pizza with a fork and a knife.

Do you really? Yeah. I'm a dummy. Do you like taking big bites? Yes. I think that's part of the issue. I shovel food into my, like I'm just so excited to eat. But that's not because you don't know how.

It's because like I am the same way. you just want a ton of food right i want to take one bite of a sandwich and then i'm not going to put it down and chew i'm right take one bite and then a second bite right and then i'm still chewing while i'm putting another bite into my mouth i have the same way that's bad yeah it's bad etiquette bad form i wouldn't blame the bite i would it's definitely more an attitude thing have you ever not ordered something at a restaurant because That's bad. It's bad etiquette, bad form. I wouldn't blame the bite. It's definitely more an attitude thing. Have you ever not ordered something at a restaurant because you're with somebody you wanted to impress and you're like, I can't eat that like a normal person?

Yeah, I think it's more I want to have the guise of being slightly healthier than I am. Right. But I guess I wouldn't normally, if it was a date, I wouldn't get a burger because I think, oh, that's the sloppy festival right there a thick juicy burger it's gonna be like dripping on my chin dripping on the plate i have bad posture when i'm eating it you can't even like engage in a normal conversation because your shoulders come up to your ears like quasimodo Just shoving a foul into my open hole.

My friends told me, like, two of my friends have pointed it out to me, that I eat sandwiches like I'm doing the chicken dance or something. Like, my arms are just like, my elbows are straight out to the side. Yeah. Like, this is how you could eat a sandwich. There's no reason for the elbows to go out. Right, like, elbows in, in bite put the sandwich down i'm just like i need it to be coming at me from like above my head your elbows are out you're they're fully akimbo i would say they are quite

absolutely akimbo um and oh a toot chair uh also when I'm like trying to eat with somebody, I'm impressed. I'm trying to impress whether it be a lady or adults. I'll be like, all right, when the food comes. The ladies you date aren't adults? No. Most of them are little, little girls. Uh, I'm like, when the food comes, don't eat as fast as, like when I'm alone with the way I eat, it looks like I have to eat over a garbage can in two minutes or less.

Like it's a competition. You eat over a garbage can. Yeah. A garbage can over a sink. Yeah. Cause it'll just drop and fall. I'm eliminating the middleman. So,

and I'm like, all right, food comes, act cool, eat slowly, be chill, chew with your mouth closed. Don't talk.

Can you do that? No, because then the food comes and I awaken half an hour later. And I'm like, what happened? I just did it. You injected it high. Yeah. I don't know what, I don't remember eating politely.

I can only imagine looking at my food for half an hour straight and I look up and the meal is over. I'm like, oh shit, I did everything I said I wouldn't do. What you guys just saw wasn't me. I left here and I went somewhere else. And the slob that you saw before you was a zombie slob. I was floating above the table looking down at this angry animal, a pig at a trough. Here's a sad story from my life that I can talk about because it just triggered. I think every single one of my ex-girlfriends has told me that I chew with my mouth open.

They find it disgusting. Really? Yeah. They're like, you eat grossly. And I mean, it's true. I did. I do. But one time I was at a cafe, not even a restaurant, a cafe with an ex.

Actually, it was a current girlfriend at the time right my ex-girlfriend now i don't have to specify that you didn't have to but you did so don't backtrack i'm at a cafe they serve coffee they also serve sandwiches and salads and i'm eating a sandwich talking to her presumably i have food in my mouth because i don't care to talk i don't care if i have food in my mouth when i talk and And some guy, I was like 22. I wasn't like a full, like now when adults talk to me down to me, I have like sort of like, hey, I'm also an adult. You can't do that actually. And I'm like sniveling back. But when I was 22, I was just like, yes, sir, I'm sorry. And he, I was eating, talking to a lady and the guy sitting next to me, he's like, I'm sorry, can you eat with your mouth, or can you chew with your mouth closed?

The sound is disgusting. And you said, I'm sorry? No, I was just like, uh, I probably did say I'm sorry, but I was just so mortified. And my girlfriend at the time had to stand up for me, even though she agreed with him. And it felt, like, extra sad because instead of her being like, see, I told you so. She's like, hey, like, leave him alone. And I was like, oh, both of you don't like the way I do it. And now my girlfriend is standing up for me.

They actually ended up dating. They left together. They said, actually, you know, I do. Can we get coffee sometime sometime there's a lot of shit i'd like to talk to you about uh yeah that was a sad moment in my life 10 years later still haven't learned my lesson well at least now somebody said chew with your mouth closed it's disgusting you would tell them to fuck off but do more yeah i would maybe like answer sarcastically or be like you know i can do whatever i want to do

or like oh i'm sorry and like spit food into his face um but do i eat very differently when i'm alone and like when i'm alone even more so i'm just like no holds barred like you saw me what i was doing with the sandwich like i. Like shit was spilling out. There was food all over my hands. I didn't even like want to. But I like, I've eaten more than once. I've eaten dinner so fast in the privacy of my own home that I threw up.

It's happened more than one time. That is a new level. I ate so fast and so much that i like vomited you are a sheep i was like you are a lamb you are a you left to your own devices you will eat until you vomit let me tell you my problem is that i i don't snack i only eat meals oh because i just don't get hungry throughout the day so i'm not like but i it doesn't like come in little waves. It's like, it comes in one tidal wave when it's dinner time. So like I'll, I'll get home from work like, Oh, whatever.

I'm not hungry. I haven't eaten since lunch. And then all of a sudden it's like 8 PM or later. Yeah. I'm like, Oh fuck. I need, I need to eat. Yeah. And I would do this thing where I would like make pasta and then I would like

put, uh, so I'd put like pasta and, uh, you boil egg noodles. Uh, so I would make like macaroni and cheese and I'm like, well,

that's not good enough. I can't just have macaroni and cheese. And I would be like, Oh, there's like a bunch of Turkey here. So I would like put deli meat Turkey and I would like cover the entire thing in sriracha. Yeah. Like add, just like adding any like a six-year-old chef right just like this tastes good i'll add it to this kid this tastes good yeah and it just so much garbage and then i would

scarf it and eat it so quickly and then i would uh more than once i threw up because i ate way too way way way too much when i imagine you eating this is like this when you're when you long after you die and i'm just still around thinking about you still long enough and i imagine you eating the image of you that's most burned in my mind is you putting three to four potato chips in your mouth at the same time yeah which are hard to do like potato chips aren't malleable like you you have to really open your mouth wide and try. Yeah, I like to make a bite that's too big. Yeah, they're not Pringles where they're easily stacked.

It's just like four ruffles basically. Yeah, and I'll arrange them to the point where they're stacked. Yeah, you're like, all right, now this is a stack of fried potato. That's a good one. See, I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend be like, the way you eat is disgusting. But they are all impressed by the size of bites that I can take. Yeah, that's them being disgusted. No, they're impressed.

They're not depressed. They are impressed. I don't think I've ever had anybody tell me to like, because I chew with my mouth closed. I just eat really, really fast. But do you do that in the presence of ladies? Or do you try to calm yourself down? If it's somebody I'm comfortable with, I'll eat as fast as I want to. It'd be interesting to go back and ask them.

But like going out to dinner with somebody's parents or something. You have to be very self-conscious. Try really hard. Or like I'll get salad. If I eat it with a fork in my knife, I can ration it a little bit. You lasted a long time with your salad last night. Yeah. I eat like I'm in a race.

Like it's a contest. Yeah, you're in a class at a long time with your salad last night. Yeah. I eat like I'm in a race. Like it's a contest. Yeah, you're in a rush. And even when I'm like half-paced. Like when you're eating half a bowl of paste. Yeah, when I'm eating half a bowl of my sriracha mac and cheese paste, I'll still beat everybody. I'm just that quick. You're eager.

It is true. The line graph of your hunger is like i'm starving starving starving so full i can puke yeah starving starving starving so full i can vomit starving stuff you have it's like i have an eating disorder but not like on purpose yeah i'm just bad it's in a bad order whereas i just like snack throughout the day i never allow myself to get to uh i never love you're hungry yeah starving well i don't yeah i guess i haven't been hungry in a year really no that's not true you're hungry yesterday yeah i was starving okay but not hungry no not hungry i wasn't between extremes uh all right so this is if i were you the only vice

podcast on the internet. Are we really going to do the show now? Oh, yeah. I mean, we still have half an hour to go. I don't know what else to say. I'm a disgusting man. We do eat the same but different. We eat the same way but not the same food.

I think that you're slightly sloppier. Like more stuff will fall off of your plate yeah like on your on your face and i probably overeat more right and when i get food on my fingers i i it grosses me out to lick my own fingers oh yeah i never do so i'm just like i just deal with this like right now i had a chicken pesto sandwich where the bread was really good but again crispy outside the inside was so wet tough that i just take one bite and everything slides out of the underside. Then I start like picking it up

and trying to form my own sandwich using like half the piece of bread and like the wet chicken. And I'm like holding it with two fingers and I bite into it and sauce comes out of the side. Then like a tomato slides out. My hands and fingers are like covered in hot dressing. This is our live podcast for everybody listening.

We are in front of sold out theater in Melbourne. Deafening, deafening silence. That would be so funny. So I don't know where I was. It's bad. It's disgusting. I've had strangers, not only girlfriends, but a-on strangers tell me I was a bad eater. Of course.

And they should have. And I still haven't quite learned. Maybe I'll actually make a conscious effort to change. Maybe that's why I have never cared enough to change. Otherwise, I would have changed. That's like such a last thing for me. Like, I've got so much more to figure out. Yeah, you have so many problems in life

not probably but like if i'm making myself a better person i'm gonna try to nail down like almost everything and then i can't imagine having my life so perfectly together yeah like all right this week i'm gonna buy a soap dish and learn how to eat and then i can finally kill myself for i've perfected human i've checked every single box but like can't you imagine like matt damon when he eats a wrap it doesn't spill at all yeah i wonder what like google what what does matt damon eat for lunch yeah when you see matt damon eating a burrito i don't see it getting everywhere because he probably doesn't overfill it uh no i think he just has a great bite and a lot of patience. Wait, what am I Googling?

What does Matt Damon eat for lunch? He just, I don't know. Can we start a Twitter campaign? We got our show, we got our pilot shot. I want to know what Matt Damon eats for lunch. Is that crazy or bad? Hashtag, what does Damon eat for lunch? Actually, we should have Matt in it for lunch. Is that crazy or bad? Hashtag what does Damon eat for lunch? What?

It doesn't. Actually, we should have Matt in it. Mr. Damon, I just want to see you eat a sandwich. But there's lots of stuff that I'm like, I'm carrying three bags and it's spilling over or I have a bad umbrella. And you're like,

oh, Matt Damon wouldn't have this third bag. Right. What would Matt, Matt Damon is never like, on his, like trying to grab something out of the back of his car and he like, he can't reach for it. Right. Do you think Matt Damon's never trying to grab something out of the back of his car, and he can't reach for it.

Do you think Matt Damon's ever gotten out of his car, then realized he forgot his cell phone in the car, then went back in to get the cell phone, and then shut the door and realized, oh, fuck, my keys are in there? No, Matt Damon wouldn't do that. Yeah, he's got it so together. Do you think Matt Damon's ever dropped a chapstick below the seat, in between the seat and the door, he like can't reach for it.

So he has to open the back seat. Like, but his, his standing in traffic and his doors open and cars are honking at him. Right. And he also like has to pee really, really bad while this is all happening. And he like squirts just a little bit into his pants.

So now it's like, he's got, he's got like just wet pants for the rest of the day. That wouldn't happen. That wouldn't happen. That wouldn't happen to Matt Damon. Or how do you think Matt Damon, sometimes I travel and I have a roller, but also a suit and also a bag filled with food for the plane. So I'm holding the suit, I'm holding the carry-on, and then the plastic bag is starting to rip

and I look like I don't have my shit together. What would Matt Damon do? What does he do to make that not happen does he not have food on the plane maybe he doesn't have to carry food on he probably rides first class so he's like oh they'll they'll give me a meal so he doesn't have to carry a plastic bag that's really thin with sabra hummus and pretzel chips a fruit salad and a bottle of water yeah that's true that That's true. What else does Matt Damon not do? What else do you do in life that you're like,

how does Matt Damon do? Oh, when I brush my teeth, there's like lots of toothpaste that drips out of my mouth, so I have to do it over the sink, kind of going in line with the food sink. It sounds like you're not very good at keeping your mouth shut.

That's what it is. Does Matt Damon sleep with his mouth open? Does Matt Damon snore? Matt Damon's the kind of guy that brushes his teeth with a regular toothbrush, then he just spits into the sink and he's done. Yeah. Like, I have to wash out.

I have to rinse. Matt Damon could be, like, walking around in his kitchen, getting a pot of coffee, and he's brushing his teeth, and he'll go quick into the bathroom. He'll just, like, spit. Yeah yeah and then it's all like spit once and all of the toothpaste is out no i yeah i have to rinse more than once yeah exactly so what is damon what's what's damon

hiding man how does he do it he's a scientologist and that's what we're trying to tell you here and that's the point of this show we're trying to tell you. And that's the point of this show. We're trying to tell you guys, you can also attain this level of daemon. You have to pay us money. We should start our own religion called daemonism. Daemonism? Like, oh, Satan worshipers, they pray to daemons? Well, we pray to daemons.

So, W.W. Matt, daemon do. Yeah. And then, like, we would try to just or how do matt how does matt damon do how does matt damon do i bet matt damon has a watch you think he has a watch yeah i don't think he's ever like fumbling for his phone to check the time do you think his phone is ever at like two percent and he has to ask a friend like or ask a restaurant like hey can you charge my phone yeah never never i bet he never has a dips below 60 yeah i bet he for sure damon are you kidding me do you think damon ever like puts his socks on but like not really well so like the the heel part that's a different color is like at

the top and you can sort of see it or his socks are always like perfectly aligned like this yeah they're probably always perfect yeah do you think damon unlaces his shoes before he puts them in or does he just slide into them like this like he like pounds down until his feet are in i bet he sits down unties i don't think he unties because that's not very efficient that's not very damon like but can you see down unties his shoes and then he's not Mr. Rogers. He's Matt Damon. Can't you see Damon lacing up a tough boot? Like one firm yank and he's laced up. That's pretty true. Yeah.

I didn't think of that. I didn't think of him lacing it up with one firm. Well, I didn't think of boots, dude. Of course Damon's got boots, man. What do you think? Damon just has Birkenstocks or crocs i thought maybe he'd have like a sleek pair of nikes just for shopping i can see that into the store he's not gonna boot up yeah or he goes to like the laker game he like puts on some nikes and a

celtics hat yeah of course he's got the baseball yeah celtics he's from boston that's nice that's another thing damon would do you think damon bur? Matt Damon? I bet he does like very, very quietly. And it's like just, you know, not a public like belch, but just like a... Oh, he does almost like a hiccup. You know, like sometimes when you burp and you feel really, really, really great afterwards. Yeah. I bet it's like that. It's just like he does like a little burp to himself, throws it to the side, nothing. And then it's just like, wow, my chest feels light. I think he does the half hiccup burp. So like he'll be finishing a meal and he'd be like, sorry. Like that's his burp.

Oh, and he'd still apologize. Yeah. There was nothing to be sorry about. Right, exactly. Of course you don't have to apologize, Matt Damon. Mr. Matt Damon, please don't apologize. Be yourself. I encourage you.

I asked you here because I want to be your friend and learn how you do things. Actually, in addition to you being yourself, I would also like to be yourself. So I think you could start a religion where everyone tries to be yourself. Don't be yourself. Be Matt Damon's self. That's the perfect person. Always A, B, D. Always be Damon.

Always be Damon. Always be Damon. Do you think Damon lives in Raven Nest? Matt Damon? Yeah. That's a great question. Raven Nest is Matt Damon's weekend home. Amazing.

So like when he's out and he doesn't want to deal with traffic, he'll sort of like chill out. I summer in the Garden of Eden. It's my pita tear. He will spend a weekend or a two-week hiatus in Raven Nest. Wow. That's right. Very professional.

And he deserves to be in Raven Nest. Very sleek. And we do not deserve to be in Raven Nest. I can't stress enough how we weren't even given a counteroffer to Raven Nest. Yes. Because that would entail that we were negotiating for Raven Nest. The owner didn't even want to speak to us. That's right.

We approached a Rolls Royce dealership and said, I will take one. I will give you a leaf for it. They didn't even want to entertain the idea of accepting. We were like a homeless person babbling. That's what we were. At the heels of Raven Nest. So to wrap up this little intro, we eat poorly, we are homeless, we are not Damon, and we have not yet received Raven Nest. We will be on Damon status.

We will be Damon level. How can you be Matt Damon? Who can be Matt Damon but Matt Damon? And can we achieve Damon? This is you talking to like a, to a 3000 people at a super church rally. Now, how can you be Matt Damon? All right.

Should we take a break? Is it time? Just about. Why don't we, all right, we'll take a break. Take one sponsor and then we'll actually give people advice. Only on If I Were You. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know

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if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. This episode comes out after our Australia tour, but we're recording it before. So who knows what will have happened. We are leaving tonight on a red eye. That's right. We both may die from an Ambien overdose. I decided not to take Ambien.

Coward. I'm afraid to take Ambien. Okay, so I'm sorry to call you a coward. I don't want to tease you if you actually are afraid. Well, I'm afraid to take this medicine that I've never taken on an airplane. What a dangerous situation. It's just a sleeping pill. Yeah, but what if one time out of a hundred some shit goes wrong?

That's not a risk I'm willing to take. I think I could sleep well with just some Nike. I'm going to pop some Nikes. Don't try to make NyQuil sound cool. Pop a Nike, I'm sweating. What do you think Damon takes? Of course, Damon doesn't need help. He's always well rested.

He closes his eyes and falls asleep peacefully. How do you think he sleeps on an airplane? Arms folded, mouth closed, chin down? Yeah, I bet he... A lowered face. Well, he's obviously in first class. You have to remember that he's rich. So you're already...

He's not dealing with the same problems that you necessarily are. But let's say I'm in LA to New York. You're a sitting coach, so you have a limited recline. Of course. Damon's got a full... I got 30. Of course. Damon's got a full... I got 30 degrees of pitch. He's got a flatbed. But not necessarily on a domestic flight.

What domestic? L.A. to New York doesn't necessarily have 180-degree flatbeds. On all the Delta flights they do, on the JetBlue first class they do. That's enough. You better believe that if he's taking a red-eye, which I... I bet Damon's not doing a red-eye across the country like that. And if he does, then he'll make sure he has a flatbed. Or I'm sure he's flying fucking private. Actually, you insult the very essence that is Matt Damon.

When you say, how do you sleep on your domestic flight when you're flying American Airlines and your layover is in Chicago? How do you sleep on your domestic flight when you're flying American Airlines and your layover is in Chicago? You know, how do you sleep? Like, what the fuck are you even talking about? Why are you mad? Because you insult him. I do not insult him. You're flippant. He doesn't deserve your flippance.

He doesn't deserve your glib. It's catty. It's tacky. It's neither of glib. It's catty. It's tacky. It's not. It is. It's petty. All I said is how do you think he sleeps on flights? You assumed a lot.

And when you. I think you're assuming a lot. If you assume, you make an ass out of yourself. And Damon. You assume at make an ass out of yourself, man. And Damon. You assume Matt Damon-ing. And when you assume Matt Damon... You make an ass out of you, but never Matt Damon. Before he gets unassable.

Arms folded. How do I think he sleeps? I think he sleeps just fine. He does. And I think you don't need to worry about it. You think he snores? Definitely not. not no he's very peaceful sleeper before he has just the sweetest dreams uh all right uh um we got time

for one question no maybe no we got time for more um i'm snapchatting now that's a thing that's happening yeah so if you have snapchat if i haven't not give if i haven't given up on snapchat my name is amir bloom bl double om and he is looking for dick pics the more the hairier uh we just gave out my snapchat as well jake demand 85 i was gonna say but you can't hear it unless you subscribe to the newsletter all right Harrier. We just gave out my Snapchat as well. JakeDemand85. I was going to say, but you can't hear it unless you subscribe to the newsletter. All right. But, yeah. I can always bleep it.

I can always get you a lot of it. No, because I want the dick pics too. All right. We need a guy's name. Born? What's Born's name? Jason Born. Jason Born. Who's cooler matt damon or jason born probably matt damon because he has a fucking writing oscar that's awesome jason born's just

the fucking ninja and by the way he's not real who jason born oh of course yeah so i'm saying that damon is real yeah he has that going he has a leg up on him plus damon's richer because i think james how do you think how much do you think jason born gets if you're like a assassin in it well he had like actually unlimited money because he was sort of like a secret like uh government op thing so he did have a lot of how does that work you have a bank account you have several atms jason born yeah well he had a lot of different aliases and different names but he had like lots of cash and money in all these accounts. It was actually pretty cool.

Does he have a 401k? I'm just worried that Jason Bourne isn't worrying about the future. He's not thinking about longevity and retiring. Let's say at age 65 when he can't kick butt anymore, does he have a nest egg? I don't know. Is he investing? That's a good question.

He knows how to live off the grid. That's true. All right, so this is what Jason Bourne writes. Through some careless right swiping, I have matched with my ex-girlfriend on Tinder. We broke up three years ago after dating for two years. We were in high school and we dated and are in college now. So we started chatting and she told me that she's staying in the city where her college is for most of the summer, which is about an hour from where I live.

She told me I should come visit sometime this summer and that she'd show me around the city. I can only imagine that she's thinking about hooking up, but maybe that's only because I am. So my first question is, do you think she has that on her mind? My second question is, should I do it? I don't really have anyone to date or hook up with in my hometown, so odds are it'll be kind of a dry summer. Our breakup was pretty clean, and I doubt she has any serious feelings for me, and I don't have any for her. Just good memories.

And after the summer, I'll be back at school and have next to no chance of running into her. As you can tell, I've pretty much made up my mind and convinced myself I should do it, but I'd love to hear your thoughts either way. Much love, Jason Bourne. He's already fucking already fucking her yeah this is way too late we're recording this on june 1st comes out june 15th you have you are in a relationship with her oh no you're back together with your ex he wouldn't know if this is on her mind they met on tinder

and she says you have no friendship and they say and she says come visit. He's like, does she want to hook up with me? Could that be the case? Yes, I imagine it is. Would you ever do that? Would you ever go back to the well? Have you ever slept with an ex-girlfriend yet again after years? I don't think so. Oh, maybe.

No. Interesting, right? Maybe. It's been rare. Yeah. I am bored by that. But I think it could be interesting.

I think here's what I would say. Your last ex-girlfriend, if you just broke up with her, don't go back and sleep with her. But if there's another ex or two in between, it might be kind of fun to revisit that. It's the old,

I can only become friends with my second girlfriend if I'm done with my third. I don't know that rule. I think that's yours. That's right. That's a rule I made up. Like, when I'm in my third girlfriend, I can't hang out with my second. I can only hang out with my first. There's got to be a buffer ex-girlfriend.

A buffer ex. I think if I was in a relationship with you and you were exercising that logic, it's not that normal for your partner. I think it's more normal, like you're saying, for you, right? Yeah. I'm saying, oh, so much time has passed. I've already had and lost another relationship. Now I can revisit the one before that. Yeah, that's fair.

You need a buffer ex. Yes. I'm saying that my ex needs to be buffer. You wish. Yeah. She needs to be jacked. I want her to squat deadlift me like jason born yeah jason born in a wig ideally uh so you would not sleep with an ex no if there was an ex

in between i would like right now there are ex-girlfriends they'd be like yeah that'd be fine uh yeah yeah i guess so but not i wouldn't necessarily i don't know what's the point of sleeping with someone that you know you already you already had her you already went through that now you're going back doesn't that seem like you're regressing i think as long as he doesn't get back into a relationship with this person because he also doesn't want to be like a long distance relationship but he's risking it hooking up three years especially and also people change so much since high school they may not even slept together in high school holy shit so how about if you've never slept with her you should and if you have then don't i that's your advice not mine that's mine okay that's my advice

all right that way like if you sleep with her now it won't even affect your number and at that point what are you doing it what are you if you're are you if you're not getting that attaboy? Why shoot a basket if you know it goes in and it won't count? Yeah, a fucking notch on a bedpost. I have a tattoo, a hash mark for every, I can't even finish it. I'm due full. Yeah, that's my advice. If you've already slept with her

and you've already been there and you've already experienced her, why don't you spend your time and energy and effort focusing on finding a new lady? And I don't think that they're, the two are mutually exclusive. I think you could go visit

your ex-girlfriend and have sex with her and you could focus on having sex with other people. You know, get it while the getting's good i said so you're saying any sex is good sex yes i would say that so like having sex with someone that you've had sex with before is still better better than not having sex at all yeah

well and especially if you haven't done it for a while it'll probably be different yeah she's experienced other things and you've experienced other, so maybe the sex will be even better. How about if you haven't slept with someone in five years and you do it again, you get to add it to the number. Give me the number. You're the best with your number. I really need the add-on number. You're also a virgin.

So you're talking about the difference between zero and one, which I get is a pretty big deal for you. All right. That was short and easy. Let's see if we can answer one more before we have to go. We have to catch a flight. That's amazing. We have to catch a flight to Australia.

Let's do it. Oh, here's one about international travel. Cool. It's from a lady. All right. Does Matt Damon ever play a lady in a movie? Huh. Doesn't he?

Was he Mrs. Doubtfire? That is what I was thinking of. You were thinking of Mrs. Doubtfire, and you thought Matt Damon was her? Well, no, I was racking my brain brain and I kept on picturing him in drag. Yeah. But wait, let me look. I want to look it up. Matt Damon as a woman would probably be pretty attractive, right?

Just because Matt Damon is a good looking human. Agreed. There's no way he played a woman in drag. I mean, what about the closest that he did was doing an entire movie as Greg Kinnear's Siamese twin? Oh, yeah. He has a sense of humor. Yeah.

That's kind of fun. Yeah, no, it doesn't seem like he's played a woman. All right. What's his name in the Adjustment Bureau? Or give me a good character name on his IMDb. LaBeef in True Grit. Oh, yeah, that was good. His name, it's just Labeef.

Those Coen brothers still got it. Everybody's name is pretty funny in this. What is there? Rooster Cogburn, Labeef, Lucky Ned Pepper. Pretty cool. All right. Ready? Nope. Yeah. la beef lucky ned pepper pretty cool all right ready nope yeah now you're just watching the trailer he was good in this one have you seen true grit yeah it was great all right hey guys i need your help i met these guys traveling and they were just normal american guys from what i can tell i'm from england anyway long story short, we were all sitting around this hostel

in Croatia enjoying a nice big bowl of pesto pasta, telling stories about ourselves and getting to know each other when BAM! As if it was no big deal, they started telling me this story about how three of them gangbanged some fat mother of three in Iceland. It was so unexpected.

These guys seemed moderately normal when you spoke to them. We carry on talking and this wasn't a one-time thing. They have various gangbangs all over Europe on their travels. I liked the guys and found them hilarious, but should I go and stay with them if I go to America, or do you think that's a terrible idea? Basically, can you trust a gangbanger?

Love, I'm a beef. I was really ready to forgive them if they'd only done it once. Yeah. It seems kind of sadistic in a weird way that it's just like a couple friends who have been involved in several gangbangs. The first time I read this, it as a an unwanted sex thing but gangbang doesn't necessarily mean that right of course yeah if they if it was the other way around they should be rounded up and killed right so these are this is a purely consensual situation where

they're just group fucking a woman so i i that makes me sort of be like that's not that big of a deal as long as everybody involved, like, you know, then you're just, you're judging people for their sexual preferences. Yeah. Which these people are a little, it's a little odd. It's definitely a strange thing to have. They gang bang.

They have group basically. I can't come unless my two boys are. Yeah. Basically it's a group sex session, but it's only, what's the difference between a gangbang and an orgy? Is it just one woman and the rest guys? I mean, I'm sure it's so nuanced that you'd probably use both. But yeah, when you say gangbang, I think it's like,

it's one woman and lots of men. Okay. So as a single lady, would you say it's okay for this girl to trust her intuition and travel with these guys who she says are hilarious? Or should she be like, no, I'm not traveling. I can't trust these gangbangers. Yeah, it's hard to say. I mean, I wonder if it was my sisters or something, I'd be like, don't do that.

But I don't know. I'm more judgmental and protective about them. Right. It seems like this is a situation where she should, you know, go with her gut. And if she's like, I don't like this, I don't know if I should go travel with them, then maybe don't. Yeah, I guess if they've never threatened you, like they've never, it's just like a seemingly innocuous sexual fetish that they have, then it's not that much different than, oh, these three guys have slept with the same girl in multiple cities.

Right, as long as they're not pressuring you to do anything. Like, why should it be any different that it's happening at the same time? Like, what if they're like, oh, these three guys slept with the same girl in Iceland, and then later on they slept with the same girl in Florence, and then in Rome, and then in Paris. Right. And it's like, oh, that's a little weird, but it's not threatening. But the fact that they did it all at the same time feels like kind of a vague threat. Well, gangbang also sounds violent. Yeah, because it's like, oh, that's a little weird, but it's not threatening. But the fact that they did it all at the same time feels like kind of a vague threat.

Well, gangbang also sounds violent. Yeah, because it's like, that's what you call someone that has nothing to do with sex. You say, oh, that guy's a gangbanger. That just means he's in a gang. And like bang, bang. Yeah. Like a shoot him up sound. Yeah, exactly.

We should call it group love. Yeah, these group lovers. Suddenly it's not that dangerous seeming. As long as they're not trying to get you to do anything that you don't want to do. And they're normal and fun in person. And also that the stories are like at least moderately respectful of the people.

I guess it sounds like they're not if they're like this fat mother in Iceland. They kind of sound like assholes actually. I'm going back and forth. I think these guys suck. But can you hang out with guys that suck? Can you trust guys that suck? As long as they suck in a specific way

that doesn't threaten you, I think you can. Right. Follow your heart. Follow your heart indeed. www.mattdamondid. All right. Thank you for writing in.

If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, that email address is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Pierre, a French-Canadian reggae artist. And this last one is Gareth, who made us a Rather Be parody. Very nice. Hey, do you think Matt Damon ever like has a sort of like a, a card where he,

that he uses like to get punches, like a, Oh no. Coffee. Yeah. I'm not even done. So like 10 punches, you get a free coffee and then like,

he'll lose the card and they'll get a new one. So he's just got like eight different cards, three punches on them. Yeah. And he asked them, they'll say, Hey, can I just like add these up? Yeah. And they're like, no, sir.

They all have to be on the same card. Right. Yeah. Jesus. It's like, oh, so I'll just pay full price for the 11th Robex juice. Yeah. No, I don't think that's ever happened to Damon. Me either.

That's awesome. Damon, you rule, man. All right. We'll be back in a week. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye. alright we'll be back in a week thanks for listening everybody bye and so you email these two divas, whose show's called If I Were You.

You tune into the podcast to see if yours gets through. And you start to get excited cause Ben Schwartz is with them too Each question that they take With every name that's fake Hoping that you're one's next But as Amir and Jake Are going to undertake

Reading the next email Ben says, firstly though Can I ask you Jake are going to undertake Reading the next Email Ben says, firstly though Can I ask you A question? Sure Amir says and laughs at This gesture Forty minutes go by

How the time flew Now it's all over Till next week's if I were you No, no, no, no How could i not get through no no no please tell me what to do no no no now i'm completely screwed with the five dollar meal deal at mcdon you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

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