Segments - 159: Best of Australia

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

In this episode we share our best questions and answers from our shows in Australia! We also talk about Matt Damon. This episode is brought to you by Prosper.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it

out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Tuesday. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and

some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a a z and not where you think and it's not biz

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. jerk and a queer what the hell was that Just send an email to Jake and Amir. Jerk and a queer? What the hell was that? Say that. Shit. She didn't say that. You just hear that.

I always hear it. That was Billy, who came to our Adelaide show. Yeah. That's right. We're back, baby. How does it feel? I'm still jet lagged, so I fell asleep last night at 2 p.m and woke up at 9 p.m you still call 2 p.m night then i had a breakfast at 10 p.m yeah and i went to the park

for i'm living my i'm not even jet lag i'm just still living my life on australian time you ate vegemite for breakfast and then at 4 a.m i took my mid midday nap. Bung Fritz. I had Devon. We learned a lot about Australia. We're changed. Trust me, Australian listeners are losing it right now. They fucking love the Vegemite. I mean, like in Adelaide, they like Bung Fritz. At first, they like Devon.

That's baloney for those of you uninformed idiots. You actually did like Vegemite. I did like Vegemite. Is it enough to actually buy Vegemite? I have it. I bought it. You bought Vegemite. I did like Vegemite. Is it enough to actually buy Vegemite? I bought it. You bought Vegemite in America? No, I bought it on the airport on the way out. Oh, really?

Yeah. Vegemite, for those of you who don't know, I learned this in Australia. It's not like a type of food. It's like marshmallow fluff. It's created only by one brand, Kraft, makes this one product called Vegemite. It's like mayonnaise where you can get like Hellmann's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what the other one brand, Kraft. Right. Makes this one product called Vegemite. It's not like mayonnaise where you can get like Hellmann's or...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what the other... Right, exactly. But... Yeah, it's just this product that Kraft makes called Vegemite that is beloved in Australia and hated everywhere else. Yeah. We tried it.

Not very good. And I thought I liked it. You're supposed to, I guess, put it on very very little like a flavoring with a lot of butter which i guess would make anything palatable still not that good for me yeah opa did not enjoy it you don't have to call yourself opa i would appreciate it if you did uh so this is a best of australian episode and we had the best time in australia nice dude we did well we should say that this is a Fire You and Advice podcast. Hosted by us. Right.

Jake and Amir. Now, we went to Australia. We did a whole tour of shows. Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth. But instead of releasing five episodes all from different live shows, we had the great idea to just make one

best of. A smattering of our best questions and answers from across the whole tour. This first clip is from our first show in Adelaide. People were very excited for us to be there because it's a smaller town. So they were like, a lot of people come to Melbourne and Sydney, but they don't come to Adelaide.

It was the smallest town that we went to, I think. It's smaller than Perth, right? Yeah, I think so. So this was our first show there. Very exciting. That's where we met Billy, who did the opening theme song for this show. All right, let's...

Oh, don't forget about Pippi Babcock, aka our young fan, Walter. Right. Well, the clip made us laugh a lot because I don't know if we should even give it away or what, but the name suggestion really got us this time. All right, let's listen to this Adelaide clip. We need another guy's name.

Draza! Pippi Babcock? Trade list. Trade list? Huh? Pippi Babcock. Pippi Babcock? I don't want to call you out sir but how old are you

14 staring you dead in the eyes saying Bibby fucking Babcock motherfucker you heard me now read the question bitch alright man heard me. Now read the question, bitch.

Alright, man. This guy has the confidence of a million-year-old. Well, only in Australia could a 14-year-old kick the shit out of me. Pippi Babcock asks... And tell you what, when you're done reading, why don't you give me your phone? Cunt.

All right, so Pippi Babcock writes... It's so funny, imagine this 14-year-old beating the shit out of you. It's a black... Imagine this 14-year-old beating the shit out of you. It's a black... Can I adopt you? You won me, sir. He's 14. You're begging for his approval? What's your name?

You rule. Walter. Cool. When I was 14, I was a loser and a Jew. Now you're 32 and still both.

Yeah, but I'm 32. So I'm old about it. I'm old of me. To you. With them. And us. Pippi Babcock.

That's my favorite. Who is Pippi Babcock? He said it so surely. You thought of it for months and months. Did you know that? You were going to say that when we asked for a name? Walter? Did you say it, Walter, when he said Crandis?

Were you yelling Pippi Babcock? You were? Did you think of it over two weeks ago? Over two weeks ago? It's a tongue twister. It, it's like a tongue twister. It's a tongue twister. It's not much of a tongue twister. Now your tongue's twisted. All right, Pippi Babcock.

Right. Part one. About eight months ago, I started seeing a girl from work. There was a lot of built-up up tension and we hit it off fast we agreed to an open relationship as long as the other people we see are people we don't know or have to see

including a co-worker's cousin who she fucked it's great we are both full time workers at uni so we haven't even been seeing each other or other people all that much. And in fact, she forbade me to see anyone, if that matters. I've met her family a few times,

and she's met mine, and we hang out heaps. It's going great. Part two. I get Instagram for the first time. First of all, part one's not going great. She had sex with someone and doesn't allow him to see anybody. Part two.

Okay. I get Instagram for the first time. I had a few friends, including her, and looked through her photos and find work guy's cousin has liked a few friends, including her, and looked through her photos and find work guy's cousin has liked a few of her photos. No big deal, right? Nah.

I snooped further, click on him, and she's liked a bunch of his photos, but more notably, the topless ones. If your blood isn't boiling yet... It's not. If your blood isn't boiling yet,

please note that this occurrence occurred whilst we have been seeing each other. She liked one topless photo in the same week. We were at a beach house introducing her to my friends and others, and she liked the same week I introduced her to my family. Part three!

What should I do? Should I broach the topic with her? Should I forget it? Should I escalate the relationship? Should I broach the topic with her? Should I forget it? Should I escalate the relationship? Should I leave her? I have no clue what this means. I am also new to Instagram,

so maybe this callous, sultry behavior is fine. It doesn't seem fine. To be honest, he's probably slightly better looking than me Body, not face But I know he can't talk to Or treat girls the way I do So I think it's just Sexual slash emotional

Still sucks though, thanks. Love, Pippi Babcock. Great name for a great question. Sexual slash emotional? It's just the two things it can be, but it still hurts. So not but, or still. What was the part where she forbade him

from seeing anyone? It's called an open relationship that's only open one way. Sort of like a push-pull door type thing. Right, and it's a revolving door that doesn't revolve in every direction. It's an escalator is what

it is. Yeah. Oh no, the weed brownies are hitting us right now. So let's say you're dating someone and she likes a bunch of topless photos from a dude. Is that a red flag? Maybe. It's not great.

Yeah. It's weird because I would say this guy's definitely overthinking it. But then also, he's right. Yeah. Would you like sexy photos from the same girl? Wouldn't you be a little more discreet about that if you had a crush on someone? Yeah, but you do that all the time. You like

a couple Instagram pictures, but you know which ones you're really liking, right? Am I the only one that does that? Oh, you like one and then you hide it by liking a few more. So that way it's like Jake liked four photos, not just one photo of a topless lady. Right, you like three innocuous photos,

and then one that's like, yo, I want you to know I liked that. Liking photos is the most passive way, but still flirtatious way to get someone's little attention. Someone's little attention. Yeah, just like a little, you know, Facebook used to have a poke. I'm okay, thank you, but... Sure. It's just like, oh, this person likes your photo,

but maybe he likes a little bit more. So the fact that she's doing it to every single topless photo, would you bring it up if you were in a relationship and a girl did that? I don't know. Have I ever told the story about the guy that I saw the Instagram fight I saw on the sidewalk? I think you told me, but I don't know if these people in Adelaide have ever heard it.

I did? Episode 59. Damn. That's fucking crazy. You remember what I said better than I remember what I said? Yeah, there's like 250 hours of our lives just cataloged for people to hear.

Yeah, that's sort of like stream of consciousness for me. Who said they remember me saying that? Don't be afraid to speak up now, man. Are you the same girl whose boyfriend's not here? She's just everything tonight. She's also Pippi Babcock. So, well, for everybody here besides you, I saw a couple having a fight on the street one time,

and I only saw two lines of it, but the girl said to the guy, I want you to stop following her on Instagram, but the girl said to the guy, I want you to stop following her on Instagram. The guy said to her, I'm not going to do that. Wow. Baller.

I just remember thinking, their entire night is this now. Would you unfollow someone for someone? Probably. Because, like, as soon as you... Everybody's in the wrong there, right? If you ask someone to unfollow someone, you're kind of like, that's lame.

Don't do that. Don't be that person. But then if you're the guy that's like, no way, why didn't you do that? Why didn't you just unfollow them? Why does everybody have... I think in a working relationship, two people can't have strong opinions.

There's got to be an ebb and a flow. Like, sometimes I care, sometimes you care. Most of the time I don't care, sometimes you care, and I don't care, and whatever, I don't know. But, like, let's say you're saying if two people care at the same time, that's when fights happen. Yeah, when two people care a lot at the same time, that's when fights happen. Yeah, when two people care a lot at the same time,

that's a problem. If somebody's blood is boiling in a relationship, that's not good. Yeah, and if two people's bloods are boiling, that's even worse. Of course. Then we agree. I guess so.

Wait, so what's the advice? What was the question? What should he do about this? Should he broach the topic? Should he escalate the relationship? Why was that an option? Doesn't it sound like he escalated the relationship to the point he wanted? I think I'll propose.

That ought to do it, right? If she's engaged to me now. If you say something, then you ruin it. No, yeah, you can't say anything. What he should do is like every photo as well. Oh. That's kind of a cool move.

A little heart for me, too. Yeah, my girl and me like your topless photos, brah. Are you going to bring it up? Because it's fucking shameful to bring up Instagram shit IRL But what is this guy gonna do? What if he starts posting topless photos of himself As some sort of like kind of sadistic experiment And only he likes it

Oh no He likes it before his girl does I don't think he can ever say anything Ever I don't think he can ever say anything. Ever. I don't think he can ever say anything. Of course not. Especially... Here's what I think.

Okay. Firstly, you're wrong. Sure. He can bring it up, but only going forward. I don't think he can say, oh, I dug... You would say to someone that you're dating, hey, I noticed you like... Try that on me. I'm your girlfriend all right and we just had not sex sex but i just like

blew you when it was ridiculously good i just sucked your dick bro gay kanye Kanye. Gay Kanye? Yeah, Kanye West. So this is me on the phone looking at the photos. Okay.

Whoa, you like this photo. What? You like this photo? What are you doing right now? I was looking at Instagram and I noticed that you like this photo

of this shirtless guy. You're a fucking loser. Yeah, well, you just blew me. So you're a loser. Will you marry me? Or should I leave you? The answer in three weeks after I emailed two Jewish nerds. Pippi fucking Babcock. Say it, bitch. I miss fucking Babacock.

Say it, bitch. I miss Walter. I do. You ended up partying with Walter after the show, right? I follow him on Instagram. Do you? He hasn't updated, but I'm following his ass on Instagram. I want to watch that kid grow up right in front of my very eyes. Then

after Adelaide, we went back to Melbourne, which is where we lived basically for the first four days even before the tour so this was our homecoming show yeah it felt really good to be back yeah because we had spent the first three or four days there fitzroy ended up being my bitch boy wow you really think so yeah i do that's what you did tell everybody uh to a thunderous boom yeah austria melbourne itself was kind of like the coolest part of australia was like the hipster an entire city yeah not even in new york but like williamsburg specifically right it's like street art and meatball shops and whiskey bars and everybody has a cool haircut yeah like we went to a haircut place

streeter got his haircut every single person got a cool haircut like they didn't even say it they were clearly like day label day laborers right they weren't like they weren't the kind of they weren't like uh computer programmers or people you'd expect to have cool haircuts just everybody's train conductors but their default is our coolest yeah so like like in America we want to be the train conductors in Melbourne exactly because they're good with their hands and they have hair and the Melbourne show was

crazy because it was our first standing room only show we were used to like theaters where everybody's sitting down we get to Melbourne like no there's no room for seats everybody's just densely packed I think that's where I got the idea to stage dive and you succeeded not in this show Like, no, there's no room for seats. Everybody's just densely packed. I think that's where I got the idea to stage dive. And you succeeded.

Not in this show. You succeeded in jumping off the stage. Everyone else failed you. It was sad because I think I failed because I was scared. And I was scared because I would fail. So I'm like, I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to jump and sort of sit down. But you can't sit down on a stage knife.

Then one person ends up burying all of the weight of your ass. It's just the legs and the ass. My back and my neck and my head were upright, so nobody can grab onto it. Melbourne is not to blame. Yeah, but at least it made for a funnier video. Truth. All right, let's get to this first Melbourne question and answer. All right. These are real emails that I'm going to read from real people.

We need fake names to preserve their anonymity. If anybody has one, please don't be shy. Just scream it. Honestly, right now is perfect. This is great. The less I can hear you, the better. Keep it going. Absolutely.

Loud. Of course. More confidence. What? Conti? The less I can hear you, the better. Keep it going. Absolutely. Loudest. Of course. More cacophonous. What? Cunty? So loud. Please, cunty. Use cunty.

Use cunty. I'm begging you. He did it. He's using it. It's happening. It's now. My life is worthless at this point. The smoke machine actually is pretty good. Yeah. You look cool with it. It's happening. It's now. My life is worthless at this point. The smoke machine actually is

pretty good. Yeah. You look cool with it. Me or just one does? Thanks, man. Honestly, I know you were leaning towards me. I was not. And I do appreciate it. Alright. Ta-da. Ta-da to all of you

guys. Huh. Now-da. Ta-da to all of you guys. Huh. Now. Cunty writes, Hey guys, I'm a 21-year-old college student and I've been dating a 29-year-old woman for about a year. Cunty.

They're both named Cunty. Things were going fucking amazing, but she hated her paralegal job and it drove her insane, so she ended up planning a trip to Europe and quitting her job. She went to Europe two months ago and just got back yesterday.

Before she left, we talked about being in an open relationship while she was abroad. I thought that was fine and that I was being cool and open. But as soon as she left, I was getting sadly jealous. I had nightmares. I had nightmares that she would end up fucking two dudes on MDMA or something. So she got back yesterday and today we talked and guess what? That's exactly what fucking happened. She had a threesome

with two beautiful fucking dudes and I was not one of them. Of course, we didn't assume you were c cunt to me. I love this girl more than anything, and I want the relationship to keep going, and it sounds like she had a good time, but I'm feeling really fucked up. My question for you, too, is, just, like, how the fuck do I stop thinking about this shit?

Is there a trick to moving on? Is there a trick or a pill from info like this? I want to be cool with it, but I have an insane fear that I will never be able to satisfy her again. I feel like an old pile of shit. I feel impotent

and sexually useless. Sorry this is such a sad email. Love, Cunty. He had a nightmare that came true. Did I will it into existence? Did I make the nightmare real today? Might I be a wizard of myself for that?

Am I a warlock for this? Also, the relationship was going great, but she was miserable at work and it drove her crazy. That's not necessarily great. She needed to take a vacation from work. Everything was going perfect because she wasn't fucking two other guys that weren't me at the same time. Yeah, and guess what? It happened. The problem is he agreed to be in an open relationship, which he thought was really cool of him, but then he became sadly jealous, which is the worst kind of jealous.

It also might be the only kind of jealous. He was madly and sadly jealous. And now, it came true. So how do you, is there a trick? Can I do a cartwheel? What was the mind eraser thing where you get a new history? Maybe he can hit his head

on the underside of a table really hard. That worked in television shows. Oh, to get amnesia. Exactly. If he had amnesia, this wouldn't be an issue. Maybe the two guys that fucked his girlfriend

could fuck him so hard. Oh, that he would bump his head on a table. Oh, yeah. Harder still, I still remember. And now I need to get this also. We need two more guys forever. He also said that they were fucking beautiful yeah which

sounds like he's sort of invented on his own or maybe she's that big of a d-bag

and she's like I'm sorry but they were fucking really really hot like really hot I feel like he's just like in his own head

like they were beautiful their dicks were super long and they also lasted for hours they were on MDMA so they actually are still fucking her. It's tantric sex

and it's still going on. How do I get it to stop? And how do I forget that it ever happened? Love is weird like that. It makes you care about shit that you wouldn't care about. Three months earlier, this guy just met this girl and now three months later, the idea of her fucking two guys just really

breaks his heart. If only he didn't know her. If only he never loved and lost. This is beautiful. Keep going. For what is worse, to know true love and have it slip away, or to never know true love at all, I would say this man should kill himself. No! Oh!

Whoa! I lost myself. Yet again. In the poetry of it all. I think the only way to get over jealousy, hate, sadness, is time. In time,

you will start to care less about the fact that two really hot dudes fucked your girlfriend. That's the longer version of time heals all wounds. Yes. Yes, that's correct. Is there any way to get over it quicker? Can you force yourself not to care? Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels. Oh, drinking.

Oh yeah, yeah, that's a good idea. Drink yourself. I often drink to forget. Yeah. Try that. You don't even remember how you got here. Who are you? You are so smashed. We do a podcast?

How does that work? So what do you guys think? Time? Other than time? Someone just said roofies, which I certainly solved nothing. Two girls should fuck him. Oh, that's what he should pitch.

Two girls should fuck him. That is so much easier said than done. Trust me. I think it would be the easiest thing in the world for any girl to get railed out by as many guys as she feels like tonight. And for me as a dude, well, I could probably do it, but somebody else.

Yes, dude! Yeah! It's cut to me fucking those four dudes. They are ducks here. We're all ducks of ourselves. I think Matt Damon has ever unsuccessfully stage dove. Oh, interesting. Probably not.

No, I don't think he's unsuccessfully done anything. He's successful all the time. What were you saying at a restaurant? Oh, yeah. Do you think Matt Damon has ever been in the group of people at a restaurant and he he orders and everybody else orders and the waiter is like okay uh thanks and then he's like oh actually yeah can i i do want uh fries instead of salad yeah change this order change this order at

the last second he's like shamefully in front of everybody definitely not damon's also the guy that's like i'll order while you take your time he's never the guy that's like, I don't really know what I want, but why don't you order and then I'll figure it out. Can I go last? He's never said, can I go last? Yeah, in anything. Yeah. Like someone else says, can I go last?

And Damon says, no, actually, can I go last? Like, I have to go last. When Matt Damon enters a pool, do you think he's hesitant? Do you think he steps on the side? Like he toes in? Yeah, he like puts his ankle in and goes, ah, wow, it's colder than I thought.

It's fine, it's fine. And then like take another step. And he sort of just like wades in on the steps. Yeah, he's ankle in and goes oh wow it's colder than i thought uh that's fine it's fine and then like take another step on the step yeah he's like he's he's sort of bought he's on his tippy toes because he doesn't want to even go and then like his kid jumps in he's like don't splash daddy it's really really cold come on bud no he's never hesitant yeah he's always the one that dives in head first and then he comes out of the pool and he's just like instead of you don't shiver in a towel you know pat the shoulders dry he's dry rub down the legs and you're like good to go i bet he has a nice taut he has a taut knot oh yeah when he ties it around his it ties around his hip he walks to the lawn chair nothing the towel doesn't slip off yeah can you imagine damon tying a towel to him and taking a couple steps and it slides down no way and then he picks up the towel and puts it over his shoulder into a guy like Matt Damon and when he does put it over his shoulder do you think it's ever asymmetrical like it's really long in the back

but only like a couple inches over the shoulder no no no that's absolutely half and half it's half and half it's Matt and Matt it's perfect it's Damon and you're not. But I am. I'm Matt Damon. Here's another clip from our Melbourne show. Osbert. Osbert? He's in Japan? Really?

Yeah. All right. Okay, this one's for Osbert who's in Japan and he loves us. Of course. Osbert writes, So I have a girl who has been my best friend since I was 10. I'm 24 and so is she. She's been in a pretty serious relationship since college.

The guy sucks, but she likes him and that's all that's ever really mattered to me. Or at least I thought she liked him. So a few days ago, she invited me over to watch The Hangover because her boyfriend was back home and she wanted to hang out. I thought nothing of it. We always watch movies together and I love The Hangover. All right? So I'll fast forward through the normal old movie-watching routine

until we reach the scene where Heather Graham's tit is out while she's breastfeeding. Yeah. My friend turns to me and asks if I thought it was hot. Not too weirded out. I said, no, not really. It lasted a second and she's breastfeeding. Then she rewinds to the frame where Heather Graham's tit is out

and pauses the movie and asks why I don't think it's hot since she knows I love Heather Graham. At this point, I'm a little confused and say something dumb like, just because. Then my friend laughs and says that she thinks I'm lying. Then out of nowhere, she puts her hand on my crotch to feel if I have a boner. We're really close, but nothing like this has ever happened. I wasn't really hard, but as you guys once said in an episode,

it doesn't take much for a dick to get hard. I don't remember that part, but sure. All it needs is some attention and rubbing, which he was strangely getting. You know what I think he's thinking of a gardening podcast he listened to? Yeah, and he's like, how do I grow turnips? And all they need is a little bit of attention and rubbing. He got that mixed with you. Anyway, obviously, I got a boner,

and she laughed and said, I knew you were lying, but she kept her hand there. Through my athletic shorts, she started sort of giving me a rub job, and I quickly realized that this was escalating extremely fast. I let it go on for a little longer, even to the point where she gave me a little head.

But I stopped her. But I stopped her. Because my thoughts were all over the place and my head felt like it might explode. Not talking about a cum explosion, he says. I love my best friend. felt like it might explode. Not talking about a cum explosion, he says. I love my best friend. She's one of the most gorgeous people I've ever met and probably one of the people I care the most about in the world. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least floored by this whole experience.

I'm a mix of confused, scared, happy, concerned, maybe coy. To be honest with you guys, I was hoping you might know. Any ideas on what I should do? Do you think everything is okay with her and her boyfriend? I worry she might be going through a rough time and that this thing was her way

of expressing something. I just want what's best for her and if that means going for it and seeing if she wants to date, I'll happily do it. And that's not just for her sake. But if you guys think maybe she needs a friend more than whatever I was a few nights ago, I'll do that too. Thanks. Love, Osgood in Japan. This guy wants to get peer pressured like you guys do to me.

Osberg. Thoughts? Yeah, this is like the best thing that's ever happened to a nerdy friend that had a crush on his best friend that had a boyfriend, right? Yeah, and she was hot, according to him. Right.

She, also, you accidentally let her blow you? And he stopped because he was confused? Yeah. Confused that he might jizz everywhere. I'm serious, you guys. No, you're coming right now. Oh, no!

Thinking about it! It is funny. It's kind of a hot story, though. Yeah, we get stories about sex, and it just feels so anonymous, but the idea of a hot story. Yeah, we get stories about sex and it just feels so anonymous. But the idea of a friend touching a friend's dick for the first time is so specifically arousing.

It's like the athletic shorts aspect. It's a real thin mesh. Dude, the mesh got me. I was like hooked. That's porn right there. There should be a porn where it's just sexual tension. Yeah. Yeah. That's porn right there There should be a porn where it's just Sexual tension Yeah

Yeah God was one of us Why? I don't know Yeah, yeah This guy clearly is so in love with this girl And he's like, I'll do it if it's good for her Do you think everything's okay

With her and, boyfriend? She sucked my dick for a second. She gave me a little head. And I don't just... The tiniest blowjob you ever did see. She kissed the tip. It was sort of a flick of the tongue. Look at the flick of the tongue.

Look at the flick of the tongue. Right on the tip of my urethra, yeah. Just like a wet. And then yeah I stopped her because I was confounded. So many emotions. So this guy clearly loves this girl. A gorgeous friend who he's known for 14 years.

She blew him a little for Christ's sakes. I think it's down to have a conversation. Also Heather's gram. Her breast was just on display this entire time. This is his fantasy, basically. It really is. I love Heather Graham. It's her tit while my gorgeous hot friend

who I've loved for 14 years is giving me a little head. Is everything kosher with her and her boof? Just imagine drawing a smiley face on a marble. That's how little the head she gave me was. A pee. She gave me a pee-pee. I think he's right to have a conversation with her. And I think it should start with,

so you blew me. And then, after Melbourne, we went to Sydney for the first time. We basically spent the first half of the trip in Melbourne and the second half in Sydney. These are like the big two cities. A magical, beautiful city on a bay. A harbor of itself. And our Sydney show was our biggest show.

Maybe ever. I think it was. We were, the show had basically, they opened the doors at seven. The show, we were like about to go on it, 8.30 or nine or something. And they were still letting people in. Yeah. The line was huge. They said it was over a thousand people and they were also no seats.

So it was like another densely packed rockstar-esque crowd. But instead of having them all the way up to the stage, it was that thing where there's like a barrier because they're used to like having rock and roll concerts yeah so there was like a iron gate being guarded by two security guards right and then onto the stage walks these two guys like who wants to hear a podcast and the security guards are very confused well people did get rowdy in that crowd they did and i'm singing uh oh yes this is the clip i think this is the clip you basically we got a little too drunk during the show yeah we learned about sculling there's a chant there's a drink sculling is basically

chugging yeah they we were we were peer pressured right we were pressured by our peers we were told that we were piss pots and bastard it's all it's all in the clip but just know that at the end of it like if jake what would you say you were at drunken wise at the start of the clip and then at the end uh man by the i probably was a five in the beginning just casual then i went i went after i sculled i I quickly went to an eight or a nine. And there's no looking back after that. No, there was not. All right, let's get to the Sydney question and answer. The first question is from a guy, but we'll use Ingrid when we need a lady's name.

Does anybody have a guy's name we could use? Uh... So much pressure. No! Sandwich! Sandwich. Sandwich. Sandwich. And he couldn't think of it.

Yeah. Someone gave it to him. So, sandwich. sandwich sandwich and he couldn't think of it yeah someone gave it to him so sandwich writes god you made me hold the mic stand for a long time what's your favorite food come on boy

think you also you seized the mic like you had something to say. Watch this, said his brain, and then it went to sleep. You guys are great. Sandwich writes, Hello, Jake and Amir.

I am a Casanova from Canada who's traveled to London, Paris, and Berlin in the past two weeks. And here's the problem. The girls here are so fucking hot. They're literally all over a seven. My girlfriend... My girlfriend is around an eight.

I have a girlfriend who I really liked before this trip. But now, since I've been around Europe and I've seen the girls there, I want to move and fuck shit up on the reg.

And here's the thing that's the problem. I bought her a purse that was $450 from Paris, but now I'm not sure I want to give it to her. What should I do? Love Sandwich. Let's give it up for Sandwich. I'm not sure Sand sandwich knows what the problem is. The problem

is there's too many hot chicks. The problem is that, well, he says the problem is that he bought her an expensive purse. That's right. That's not the issue. Correct? What's the issue according to you? I think that he's an asshole. Why?

He just, it's like he just found out there were other attractive girls in the world. Had he not ever, like, seen a TV show or read a magazine or been anywhere where he saw someone was more attractive than what he ranked his girlfriend as an 8?

Yeah, if he's never seen her a 9 or a 10, shouldn't she have been the 10? Wouldn't that be the base? Mathematically speaking, it doesn't add up. Don't speak mathematically. I'd rather you didn't, especially not here. But he does know that the scale's between 1 and 10, correct? Absolutely.

So he knows everybody's an 8. He also thinks everyone being really hot is a 7. Yeah. I don't know if he gets math. This is only a real problem if you're like the hottest guy. Oh, right. So he's saying like, I want to go to fucking Paris

and fuck shit up, but like we're not totally positive you can. Yeah. What if you cannot fuck shit up? There's a very real possibility that, what was his name? Sandwich? That's right. Sandwich gets to Paris and he's like, hey, I got 450 to blow on purses for all y'all

and they're just like, we're good. And then he doesn't get to fuck anybody. So like, go with the eight. Eight's pretty great. Didn't he say, I really liked my girlfriend until I found out about other... Until I found out about other women, I really liked her. Yeah, when she was literally the only

woman on earth, I was down to hang out with her. But now that I've met other women... At the very least, I wouldn't give her an expensive purse. He's already bought the purse. I'm saying he's sort of an investment for somebody else down the line So he should get rid of his lady

And give the purse to somebody else I think if he's no longer attracted to his lady Which it sounds like he is not He sort of got there in a pretty douchey way But it's still an honest opinion That he has So he does have to break up with his girlfriend Keep the purse, there's no reason to give it to her

He's in Paris girlfriend. Keep the purse. There's no reason to give it to her. He's in Paris. He can wear the purse. In French people promenade. He encouraged you to put on the purse. Yeah, it's France of all places. Enjoy the merce. That's a male purse. I know.

So, you say what? Break up with your girlfriend. Hang on to the purse. That's your advice always. Break up with your girlfriend and buy a purse. I would add hang.

It's nice that there's sort of like an echo whenever I say it. So like let's try it. Hang. So loud. God it comes right back. It's like they're all singing into a microphone too. Yeah. But their microphone is the other people here.

Poetic. It's not, but thank you. Well, this is something that's come up on the show before. It seems like you have, when you're in a relationship, I think Thomas said this, that it seems like you can have any other girl you want, and the one thing holding you back is your current lady.

And then you break up, and then you're like, oh wait, I can't get these ladies just because it's kind of difficult to do that. It wasn't because of her. It's, being single doesn't mean that you can fuck anybody. It's like, you know, morally speaking, you can. But other people have to you can fuck anybody. It means like, you know, morally speaking, you can.

But other people have to want to fuck you. Yeah, that's a huge part of it. I would say that's almost as important as the part where you want to fuck them. I would say it's more. We agree. We actually don't because we said different things.

I'm sorry. I'm kind of wasted right now. You, oh, you did pick up your drink. And I'm sorry, but they desire that you scull it. We learned about sculling the other day. I can't even understand what they're chanting. Was that a chant? Was that a song? It was a song? You guys have a song about sculling?

That was the national anthem. Wait, were you guys singing the Sculling song one more time? He's a true blue. He's a best walk through and through. He's a boss and so they say. He's got to get it, everybody get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah a footy match, so I'm sort of into that shit now.

Oh, what the fuck happened there? That was the coolest thing you've ever done. You chugged in front of a thousand people, then you hit it really square. That was the most impressive athletic thing I've ever seen you do. And then the most impressive acting job was him acting like that was a small miracle that he kicked it so well. Like that was status quo. Then you sit down on a stool, the coolest type of chair, and you stare back at the crowd.

My God, man. Can I blow you? If I blew him, who would get up and leave some of you would probably have to right what a weird thing that would be how was the show it was good oh Amir blew Jake

yeah he kicked a cup so well that he got blown Yeah! He kicked a cup so well... that he got... blown. It was awesome. Is there a song about sipping whiskey?

I'd like to hear that song. Sip the whiskey, sip it. Sip, sip, sip. There is. Sip, sip, sip. This is the most supportive crowd. They'll chant even in moderation. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less

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Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.oregon connecticut must be 18 plus age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions pick six is not available everywhere including new york and ontario void were prohibited one per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings uh the sydney show is the the successful stage dive yeah that's the one where i i it was a little tentative less fun to watch but more fun to do. Exactly. The fail videos are better, but the successful videos feel right.

I learned basically from my mistake with the Melbourne show. Sydney felt like the big closer because it was so big and we went out after and got crazy town. Yeah. And then we just had two more shows after. We had to keep going. Is this the... Wait, in that clip, did I stage dive too? That was when I trust falled? Oh, no, that was later on in the show oh so that didn't is did that not make the cut yeah no well this is this was earlier on the show make the cut

yeah it was the i didn't use that we didn't use that question answer that was the funniest clip i'm sorry oh but we should say that we did get videographers to come with us to Melbourne. Oh, yeah, so maybe you'll see it. Our boys Basil and Dylan. Yeah, Baz, Dil. They took video of us before, during, and after the show to make a cool mini featurette documentary type thing

about the shows. So that's going to be exciting. Then after Sydney, we're off to do more shows, including the one in Perth, which is insanely, I guess, the second most remote city in the world. Yes. It's like America if America was just Boston, New York, D.C., and then on the other side of the country was Los Angeles. Right. And in the middle is just a blank.

Yeah. The outback. Right. Oh, yeah. A brush, a bush that'll kill you. A snake that will kill you. Basically different things that will kill you.

It's the bush and then the outback. What's that? It's so empty that they have like two names for their nothing in the middle of it. Oh, really? I didn't even know that.

Yeah, when you go, you're in the city, then you're in, I think it's the bush, not the brush, it's the bush. That's like another layer. Yeah, that's like nature

just around the cities and then you get into the outback. That the real that that's where you that's where you die you can die a lot in the in the bush you almost died in perth actually actually i did die in sydney i was born again uh perth shows were extra exciting because i guess not a lot of people come to perth so we're excited to be there. This is, oh yeah, from our last show. Here's another question and answer from our live show in Perth, Australia. Crandis writes, oh shit, this is a girl.

Crandis is sort of a, it's a pretty ambiguous name, you guys. Crandis works as a woman. Crandis, an androgynous woman, writes, Hey guys, I'm a chemical engineer at an Ivy League university, so I have access to some pretty nice plastics

and silicons. Don't worry, it gets better. There is this thing I do to seem really cool, sexy, and spontaneous, where I will invite a guy I'm dating to the lab just to show him what I do and seem really cool, sexy, and spontaneous, where I will invite a guy I'm dating to the lab just to show him what I do and where I work. But really, we just end up having sex.

Usually after this, to make myself and science seem even cooler, I'll create a mold of his dick, which I then use to make an exact silicone replica. Essentially, I end up with a high-quality

dildo made from a silicone formula I created myself. And then even after we break up, I still keep them. Huh? Confused, Kanye? My current boyfriend found a couple boxes of the old dildos

and was furious. He was mad that my bringing him to the lab trick had been used on other guys, and he said that using any of the dildos I made was essentially cheating on him. Eh. He also said that if there was any hope for our relationship, I needed to get rid of them. I love him, and I'll stop using them.

But I don't care. But I can't bear to part with them. They are really nice, and a lot of work went into making each one. I need your advice. Should I just deal with the agony of tossing them? What if I just put them into storage and say I got rid of them? Do you think what I did was cheating? Thanks. Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. I guess first things first.

Do you think using a dildo of a replica of your ex-boyfriend's dick is cheating? I feel like people throw the word cheating around. What he wants to say is, it's really hard for me to deal with. Yeah, and he likes to say cheating because nobody likes a cheater. Right, like, I don't want to be a cheater, but what he's really hard for me to deal with. Yeah. And he likes to say cheating because nobody likes a cheater. Right. Like, I don't want to be a cheater. But like, what he's really saying is like, I'm sort of

a coward here. And all those dildos looked pretty big, to be honest with you. Whose dick was that? Did I just meet the guy whose dildo made that dick? And what did the rest of him look like? Oh, he was tall and handsome. Michelangelo's David. Also a couple

boxes. Fuck yeah. What a cool move she has. I bring them to the lab, fuck them, and make a dildo of them. Yeah, it really almost does make science cool. That's the closest you'll get.

Definitely not actually cool. So what do you think about this girl? Do you bad for her do you think she's actually violating her boyfriend's trust of course not but i also feel like this is the difference between like girls cheating and guys cheating like guys they like actually cheat yeah girl she is just like has a fake penis of somebody else and he doesn't even know that she uses them. She just has them, and he says, this is cheating.

Yeah. Fuck him. It's not cheating. It's just having a dildo. Right. How many fleshlights do you have made of the vaginas of your old conquests? I actually have a fleshlight

that looks exactly like Crandus. Really? You just gut it down the middle, turn it inside out from spine to front. And have at it like a Tim Tam. Like you're drinking milk through a Tim Tam. Sort of an Adelaide thing. What?

Those crab fuckers? Those yabby wankers? Yabby? I'm not 100% sure this little guy likes being in the spotlight. Are you getting warm, Crandice? Kill me! Oh, we will. Should she stand her ground?

Should she stand firm and say, I'm not getting rid of this box of dildos? I would lie. I mean, that's pretty innocuous. It's fine to lie about this. It's a good white lie. Yeah, just to say, hey, why is it so painful to get rid of the dildos? I think it's like, because it's

nostalgia. It's like, look at all these times I did this cool thing. It's a souvenir of a woe-begone era. I feel like putting things into storage is practice getting rid of them. Because how often do you ever go to a storage thing and like sift through your old dildos? Yeah, you might as well

just throw it away. Why don't you just put them into storage for a year and if your boyfriend says, did you get rid of them? You say, of course I got rid of them. And then in a year if you haven't even looked at them, then you can get rid of them. That's a good idea. That's like what you do with digital storage. Like, oh, I'm going to put all my pictures on an external hard drive. Right. And then you just don't ever

why would you look at them? Yeah, and then one just don't ever... Why would you look at that? Yeah, and then one day you lose the hard drive and you're like, that's okay, I never ever looked at it anyway. I don't know, it was a little sad to lose a hard drive. That's a nice... Yeah, especially if it was in the shape of a dildo. Grab your whiskey, buddy.

What? Your whiskey's been on the ground since the goddamn beginning. You don't even know where it is. No, no, no, no, no, no. I vomited this morning. That's correct. But still.

All right, you talk while I get it. Oh, um. Good job, bro. Thank you. Her other question was, oh, should she get rid of the dildo? No. Is it cheating? No. Oh, yeah, of course it's not cheating. Does anyone here think

it's cheating? Wait, you think it's cheating if she uses a dildo? Do you think it's cheating if a guy looks at porn? You don't? You're an anti-feminist. You're a masculist. Wait, you're saying

it is cheating if you use a dildo of an ex-boyfriend? Because it's related to the feelings you have? What if your ex just had a sick dick? Yeah, did you keep in mind that it's possible the ex just had a sick dick? Yeah, did you keep in mind that it's possible

the ex just had a sick dick? Also, this would 100% not be a problem if he discovered the box of dildos and everyone had a smaller dick than him. What this email said was, and they were all better than my dick. Yeah. Because if I found this,

if my theoretical girlfriend, who I'll never have, has a box of dildos, and I found them, if my theoretical girlfriend, who I'll never have, has a box of dildos, and I found them, and my dick was better, I'd be like, fuck yeah. Keep all of those dildos as a reminder of whose dick is the best. Yeah. But I mean, if you make a necklace of your dildos,

if you found, if you were dating someone and she's like, oh, I have a trophy of every guy I fucked and it's in the shape of their dick, would you be like, that's fine, I'm cool with it? And she's like, oh, sometimes I'll fuck myself with them. With the trophy dicks. Would you say that's okay too, or would you also want her

to get rid of them? Well, I can, both is the answer. I'm 100% not okay with it and 100% in the wrong when I say it. When you say what? When I say, don't you can't look or touch the dildos that you made of your exes. Oh, so you're not okay.

Anyone can do whatever the fuck they want. All I'm allowed to say is that it really, really bothers me. And then you make the... But that's a broader thing. It's like you never tell someone what to do. You just say that it bothers you and hope that they arrive at their own conclusion, which is to throw the dildos away. Not to throw them away, but to lie about their existence.

So everyone's lying to each other. That's one of the ebb and flow of humanity. I say, hey, this makes me feel shitty. And she says, oh, well, then you don't even have to think about it anymore. And then she's hiding it. I would like her to show up at a storage or a friend's house with a box of dildos. Not just a box, but several boxes of prized dildos. Can we

bury these? Oh, the hole will have to be much bigger. Where I have many dildos. And then she hears it, like the telltale heart. That's vibrators. Dildos are different. Thank you, everybody.

Then that was it. That was basically the end of our tour. Then we had to take a 90, I think a 91-hour flight back to... Yeah, it was roughly 91. It was five hours to Sydney and then 91 home. I ended up taking that Ambien, you know. You actually are still on the Ambien. This is a dream. I am rolling, rolling hard.

I was afraid to take it. And then I decided to say, fuck it. I'm going to throw caution to the wind. I said, you know what? I'm not going to let some silly side effects scare me. You actually said to your dad, I don't think I'm going to take the Ambien. And he said, it's fine. You should take it. Yeah yeah he slapped me in the face he called me a boy literally he called me a little pussy boy you know son of mine uh happy father's day by the way yeah that's true man

that's that's that's true man the ambient really did work yes yeah i i was asleep sitting up right for nine for nine hours obviously you need a prescription, so good luck getting it. But I got it because of my glaucoma. Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Dangerous one. All right, that's it. That's our best questions and answers from the Australia tour.

What an amazing adventure. We really did have a great time. Shout out to Shrimpy. Oh, shit, our tour guide. Yeah. Not tour guide, tour manager. Tour manager. Who brought Shrimpy. Oh, shit, our tour guide. Yeah. Not tour guide, tour manager. Tour manager. Who brought us around.

Could not have done it without him. Yeah, and the free shit men that opened up for us in every single city. Got tattoos of our faces on our bodies. And every single fan that came out to the show who made it worthwhile for us to come back, hopefully, soon. Yeah, we're definitely going to go back to Australia. I think, though, it's summer, though. Yeah, that's what we should do. I want to feel the heat.

Yeah, me too. I want to feel the heat yeah me too i want to i want to feel the heat with somebody i want to dance with somebody with somebody who loves me damon uh thank you again to everybody who came out thanks you to billy specifically who wrote us the opening theme song and the closing theme song. A different theme song, both from Billy from Adelaide, Australia. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own Facebook thumbnail submissions, please send them all to ifirayoushow at gmail.com. Back next week with a good old-fashioned podcast. None of this best of shit anymore. Yeah, what is this, Clip Show?

Classic. All right, we'll be back. Bye. show it's called it how were you just let me know no hear these two guys give advice at his best they're not qualified but they'll be good to the test so if you have problems don't shed a tear. Just send an email, just send an email, just send an email to jadamere. If it's a long road, you can go. It is our world.