Segments - 16: Drunk

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

In this episode we get a little tipsy... then discuss homophobia, long distance friendship, and Jake's family vacation. This episode is brought to you by Harrys.com -- Great shaving products, at a very inexpensive price. Check them out and use coupon code "ifiwereyou" to potentially win free blades for a year! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months, limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thanks. Got a sticky situation Email Amir and Jake

They'll give you a name that's fake If all else fails and the prompt prevails Seize the chance, Paulie dreams Hashtag dope If I were you Alright. Hashtag dope. That was really tight.

I like that hashtag dope shout out. You know what it sounds like at the beginning is dream of Californication. I thought it was the Red Hot Chili Peppers when it started. I was like, holy shit. But instead it was Conal Pritchard. Ooh. Hey, everyone. What an interesting name.

Conal Pritchard does not sound like somebody that plays folksy music on a guitar. What does it sound like? It sounds like somebody who's, it sounds like a Republican senator. Oddly enough, it's both if you can believe that. Senator Pro Temp from Tennessee. The floor is yours. If you got a sticky situation. Holy shit, it's beautiful.

I'll pass all the laws. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jacob. And this episode is kind of cool and different for two reasons. One, I called myself Jacob. All right, three reasons. One, you called yourself Jacob.

All right, two. Two, we're drinking during it. We're getting drunk as flunk. More so you than me. i'm already i showed up here gone gone high deaf and dumb if anything i should be drinking coffee but fuck that i'm getting way stoyed it's 9 52 p.m on saturday night and we thought it would be fun to while we're drinking uh record a record episode, which is either a great idea and it'll loosen us up and make us funnier, or the worst idea we've ever had. Right, yeah. I think it's the second one, but I just wanted to get drunk. There's definitely some people who have

never heard this episode who just heard that for the first time and turned it off. I want to watch two losers get drunk. We should have been doing this as a video episode because Amir drinks so rarely that I think I'm more excited than anyone that could possibly be listening right now. Right, it's good to document it in video because otherwise people won't believe you. Wait, what's the third reason? The third reason, what was the third?

Oh, you haven't heard some of these questions. Oh, that's right. Usually we never know what we're going to say, but usually we choose the questions together. And this time I was coming back from a family vacation. I missed the screening of the questions and I'm going in blind. That's right. So these questions, not only have you guys never heard of them, but Jacob hasn't heard of them either.

Yeah, Jacob. So also, if I'm not funny during this, it's because I'm drunk, okay? Not because I've never heard the questions before. I'm usually good on the fly. Usually, Jake has copious notes and bits and riffs that are ready to go for every possible question, but this time he is completely and utterly blind about it. All right, should we, let's take a swig of this Gatorade bottle that I filled with vodka before we get started. We'll do that and I'll explain what the rules are. Okay. So basically, we have an email address, ifirayoushow at gmail.com. Woo!

And people can submit questions. You know, when they're in a difficult place or a sticky... I'll take over here. You go ahead. You drink this. Uh-huh. In a sticky situation, you email us and we might not be helpful, but we are going to do our best to make fun of you and at least make you feel a little more lighthearted about your situation.

That's right. And you can also email us if you have a theme song submission. Connell gave a great one earlier, and now we need more. We always need more. We feed off of these, okay? It is cool how talented our fan base is. So much more talented than us. Yeah, like all we can do is talk yeah humorously so actually if

you go back to episode one i actually play the first theme song and uh yeah it's awful i think yeah well don't go back don't go listen to it but know that i can strum the guitar at the very least i can strum a guitar strum it uh so these are real emails from real people we give them fake names to preserve their anonymity but But I assure you. A theme? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I already have a theme in my head. All right, cool. Sorry. Yeah, so that's that.

So why don't we get started, as it were? As it were. As it weren't. This one comes from Zach. Zach. All right, man. I'm fucked up. I'm like, I'm in sweat, and I'm done, so, man.

You're already puking. Uh-oh. Zach just gave us the bonus question. That's when we do a little bump of cocaine. Here we go. Jesus. How do you know it's the bonus question? All right.

This one's from Zach. So we're going to do some cocaine. We're not doing cocaine. I already feel borderline. I already feel bad enough drinking on this goddamn thing. It's funny that you said, uh-oh, because my brother Ben said that that's one of his favorite bits that you do. And I don't even know that if you knew that it was a bit. Oh, is it like when I say, uh-oh?

Yeah. You're just like, whenever you go into like, hey, I hate myself. And uh-oh, I wake up and I'm still there. Yeah, I love it. Uh-oh, because it's so like playful and positive. Oopsie-daisy, I'm still there. Yeah, I love it. Uh-oh, because it's so like playful and positive. Oopsie-daisy, I'm doing cocaine. And uh-oh, I'm the worst human being in the world. Whoops, I'm suicidally depressed.

My bad. I am bad. All right, all right, all right. First question. This one comes from Zach. My deal is I've been single for a long time after a series of terrible relationships, and I've kind of reached the point thinking maybe I'm better off alone. However, I've met this really sweet girl who I like a lot, and I think she likes me

too, but I'm worried that if we get together, the relationship will share the same fate as all the others have. I sure as shit don't want to hurt this girl, and I'm a little scared of being hurt again, too. I guess my question is, if every relationship you've had in the past failed miserably, what would you guys do? Toad off for being awesome. Sincerely, Zach. Jesus Christ. I'm not fucking ready for this question, man. I was like, this was like a playful shit.

Yeah, I took a swig of vodka and now I think I might cry. I just drank a fifth of vodka. Dare me to cry? My name's Zach and I don't believe in love. Well, does this resonate with you at all? You know what? I think it resonates at all. I think it resonates with me a little too much.

Yeah, shit. I don't know. But you think it's like maybe if everyone has one person, then you're going to go through a lot until you find that one person. The one person that makes you realize that maybe all your relationships were doomed because you weren't with her.

Do you think everyone has one person? Probably not. I'm very logical and mathematical. There's probably, you know, if like your soulmate is one in a million, there's what, 600, 6,000 of them on earth? Right. That's nice. That's kind of actually, as logical as that is, it's sort of nice to think about it like that.

Here's where I'm coming from. I agree with you a little bit. I don't think there's such thing as one person for everybody. So I think since there's so many people to choose out there and you haven't been able to do it yet, Zach, I think there's something wrong with you. Oh my God, you ass. I can't tell if I'm talking to Zach or looking in a mirror right now, but I think you're a monster. What? Why? Just because if anything, he's very self-aware. He's saying that he's had terrible relationships. He's sort of already blaming himself and he's afraid that he's going to

hurt this girl preemptively. You absolutely will. If that's what you're afraid of, you will. Here's another thing. Maybe all those relationships were doomed because they were the first, second, and third relationships you've had. Maybe you have to go through a ton of relationships to realize, to find out what you want.

So you get better when you're drunk. You get more positive. One, you're more experienced, And two, you're older. So with age comes wisdom. With experience comes wisdom. And maybe this is the girl that turns it all around. I believe in true love and you should stay together forever. And Zach, I think you are a jerk of the human, actually.

No, I'm kidding. I'm with you. I fucking, yeah, yeah, totally. It's true. You get better with time. You learn, you grow. And maybe now, since you, since you've got all these bad relationships under your belt, you're ready. You know what it takes to, to not let a good thing go. Yeah, you don't preemptively break up with someone because all of your previous relationships were bad. Right. At the very least, I wouldn't do that. I just go into into it with an open mind and just try to not be so hard on yourself. That being said, Zach, if this one fails, I mean, at four, I feel like you've reached

your threshold. You've had the entire buffet, and it's time to go home. And that's enough, Zach. You're full, sir. Yeah. Okay. Really? This is not all you can eat.

Uh-oh. I can be your wingman, pal. Because, yeah, I've had more than four failed relationships. And I'm not trying again. So let's do this. Let's hit the town, Zach. Me and you. Picture me and you at this table drinking a vodka Gatorade.

God, that's weird for me because where does that put me? I don't know. Me and Zach, I really think we could nail a podcast. We already got Todah down. All right. Thanks for writing in, Zach. Todah. Todah Rabbah.

Let's go on to question number two. Numero duo. Numero duo. This one comes from AC Slater. I'm still trying to figure out the theme. Zach, I know. I don't know. I'm about to start my freshman year of college,

and after talking to my roommate, I think he might be gay, which I have no problem with. I know that just because he's gay does not mean he will try anything with me, but it would make me uncomfortable if he did end up hitting on me. What would you do if that happened, and how should I handle overnight guests? Even if he's straight, I don't know what to do if he brings a girl home. Uh, what? guests even if he's straight i don't know what to do if he brings a girl home uh what this email started off so seemingly positive saying oh you know he might be gay which i don't have a problem with but it seems like he does have a problem right it's so subtle what if he did end

up hitting on me i think dude no dude, no. I won't. Tell you what. Based on this question, you're not anyone's type. That's such a funny thing. I feel like I was probably, I guess, you know, you can't like fault him totally because he's like 17 years old. And I was probably that dumb. Like, oh, man, my roommate's gay. What if he hits on me?

You're not that fucking hot, dude. Every gay guy in the world, when you walk down the street, do you imagine when you're walking down the street, every girl wants you? Yeah. Like, why would you assume that for every guy? If I go into a situation thinking that some girl is going to be hitting on me, no, you're so full of yourself. I realize that a good way to find out how homophobic you're actually being is to replace gay with a nationality. And it makes it come off as so much more racist.

For example, I think he might be black, which I have no problem with. I just know that just because he's black doesn't mean he'll try anything. But it would make me uncomfortable if he ended up talking to me. What would you do? How would you handle overnight guests? Even if he's white, I don't know what to do if he brings home a girl. Yeah, that put it into perspective, didn't it, AC? You're a meanie. You're not as open-minded as you think. You're small-minded. Yeah. But you know what? College is about expanding your horizons. So, I personally hope he is gay. Maybe you need that. Maybe you

need to not be so close minded. And you know, if he does hit on you, I personally hope you want to kiss him on the mouth back. Yeah. Because you know what? College is about new experiences. And if he does, if he's straight and he brings someone home, then hop into bed with him. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Suddenly you're having a menage a trois.

Only instead of two girls and a guy, it's three dudes. And a pizza place. How is that for fair? I don't know what to tell this guy. How should I handle overnight guests? What does that mean? It's college. I feel like it went from, like, one is sort of a weird, you know, homosexual, homophobics question.

The other one is just like very standard. Like what do I do if my roommate brings someone home? Yeah. I don't know. Leave or stay there and try to sleep. Have you ever been sexiled? Me? Yeah.

My roommate freshman year, God bless him. He was a good man. God bless that. Is he dead? He was a good man. God bless that. Is he dead? He was a good man. No, he's not dead. He's just a bad man now. I'm just not trying to talk shit about anyone on the podcast.

My roommate Ken, I'm trying to think of a fake name. My roommate Ryan. Nice. Ken Ryan. I didn't say Ken. My roommate Ryan, he didn't have anyone sleep over during my freshman year. And did you? You know, I think that I had a couple guests over freshman year.

But you didn't seg-xile Ken. No. You wanted him to be there for you. You sick fuck. You got off to the fact that Ryan. It was Ken's goddamn sister. You wanted him to hear that. You needed him to hear that.

Deep down in places you don't talk about at parties. You, you, Ken Ryan. You, Lieutenant Ken. I think, well, there's something kind of sexy about like, we have to be quiet, you know, we have to be quiet. Yeah, but it's never as quiet as you think it is in your head. You're like, no, we're being so quiet. Meanwhile, the room, and then Ken the next day,

just like not really talking to me. Like, how was last night? Like, oh, what are you talking about? I just went to bed. I heard your mushy humping, you know. You can't silence the sound of two wet genitals rubbing up against each other. You're not a fucking college was the best wet genitals and futon springs. That was it. You had a futon in your dorm room.

Yeah, dude, I was sort of a beast in that regard. Yeah, man, like 28 years old is still bragging about having a futon Yeah actually man Listen to this shit We ended up going to Walmart freshman year We bunked the bed So we had all this space You know what I'm saying

And we ended up getting this futon For saying 99 bucks Nah shit was tight I was a beast in that regard. In the futonly speaking, I was sort of in beast mode throughout college. One of those metal dinghies, you know what I'm saying?

So it was very light getting it up to the top of the third floor in the Hassler Hall. You can't do that, can you? You can just move in your own furniture? I mean, I guess if you're a beast, the dean sort of has this beast clause. I paid a beast tax. Anyone's allowed to have a futon in college. You can loft your own bed and add a futon underneath it.

Yeah, I mean, I guess there's probably different rules for different colleges, but the one that I went to. For how long? I'm actually feeling a little drunk right now. Are you? Pretty tipsy. All right, cool. Usually hits me when I stand up.

Stand up for a sec. I'm afraid to. I just fall over. I knock my microphone over. One more question and then a break or should we take the break now? Let's try to do one more question because I feel like we went off the deep end with that one. We started off talking about homophobia and ended up talking about my futon. How did we get there?

What a long walk we took. All right. This one is from Screech. I was invited to go on a trip with my girlfriend and her mom. We'd be driving for 20 hours straight and I'd like to spend time with my girlfriend. The thing is, her parents are really mean, and her dad doesn't know that I'm coming. He's not even going on the trip, so I don't want to piss him off if he finds out, because he'd never approve of me going.

What should I do? What? Well, I think we got to this guy too late. I think this trip already happened. But what a weird, weird, weird. The dad would be pissed to find out that you went on the trip that he didn't go on? The parents both hate you, but the mom's still down to bring you. As long as she hides it from her husband,

who would be livid to find out that you went on the trip with her and his mom. And you want to go on this terrible, terrible trip so you can spend time with your girlfriend in secret with her mom who hates you. This guy is so lovably nice. I feel like we usually have questions that make me hate our question askers. But this guy seems like an amazingly kind soul. Right. He's like, I mean, he's considering going on this trip. Yeah.

Despite the fact that both of her parents hate him and he's going to be in the car with the mom and the dad would disapprove if he found out. Yeah. Why did they? You sound amazing. Why did they hate you? Maybe he's like an asshole, but his question is worded in such a nice way. Like he's like a very emotionally abusive boyfriend.

It's like, why are we siding with him? Anyway, I don't know if I should go because my girlfriend's a real whale i tell her all the time but i don't want to share a hotel room with her that orca that she orca um i'm just afraid i don't have a hose to just hose her down when we get to the dry hotel room oh that is not fair what that's what you said did i i don't remember so what should he do it seems like you should if i were you i think i know you're gonna say hide in the trunk whoa yeah hide in the trunk and then at every gas station have the have the girlfriend heard about on the news the other day made me sick the interviewer are always always vaguely trying to quote stan by eminem just know how many references

have you picked up so far this episode um what should you do i guess if you're gonna be with your girlfriend even despite the fact that her parents don't like you uh i guess spend as little time as possible with her parents or spend as much time as possible trying to win them over that's what i'm saying the parents aren't even going dad's not there but you know what you got I guess spend as little time as possible with their parents or spend as much time as possible trying to win them over. That's what I'm saying. The parents aren't even going. Dad's not there. But you know what you got to do is win the mom over.

It's easier to win the mom over. And especially on a road trip, long drive, like, oh, let me take the wheel. You're tired. I'm going to – I can drive. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to. That was you. That really was you. Yeah.

Yeah, it really was you. You're going to call me out for stuttering? Yeah. Me stuttering? I really think so. Why don't I read the question Next time too Like I can barely breathe I'm illiterate

At the same time I'm illiterate You're illiterate Yeah I noticed actually Cut to us Man I fucking love you dude I fucking

You're the best dude You're funny Out of the fucking process We just edited out Two minutes of us making out At the end of that fight Holy shit I think this is your chance

This is the chance to get in on the mom's good side Have you ever had a parent dislike you? Yeah I've had to win parents over before Because of them or because of you? I remember my first girlfriend When I first met her I had just dropped out of college I had just dropped out of college.

I had just dropped out of my second college. So I was, failed out of one college. You were a bad seed. Dropped out of another. Yeah. And her dad met me. I worked in an ice cream store

and I was like, your life was going nowhere. How old were you? This is when I was 20. 20, dropped out of, or failed out of two colleges working at an ice cream store

and you meet your girlfriend's parents. This is literally three months before I met you. Wow. If you can imagine. So you were, okay, got it. Freshly 20, June of 2006. Eyebrow ring?

I had the eyebrow ring. So nobody's liking it. Thank God you took that off before you worked at College Humor. You would have been known as that loser forever. That's true. I mean, there was that guy that worked out his first day on crutches and we called him crutches for four years. You would never live down the eyebrow ring. I don't think we would be where we are if I started with an eyebrow ring. I guarantee we would not. I would

not want to hang out with you. Wow. That's how close-minded and small I am. Anyway, the guy that is worried that his roommate's gay, that's how close-minded Amir is. You guys should be roommates. Who am I to judge is what you're saying. But I remember, I mean, if you really like the girl, this is what happened with me. I just really liked the girl, so I stuck around, and eventually they like you. Because I think what the parents ultimately want is somebody that's good to their daughter. Yeah. I don't brag a lot, but here's one really big brag that I have, is that I'm great with girlfriends' parents.

Oh, I can see that. I think I'm great with girlfriends' parents. Oh, I can see that. I think I'm great with middle-aged women in general. You're great with parents. Amir just came on vacation to Nantucket with my family. And when you left, number one, we had a bad day. It was just not as fun. Which is what I hope for. I said, I hope when I leave, you guys have a bad day and you pin it on me not being there. We were at the beach and my mom was like, you know, I really feel like Amira's part of the family. Wow. And that's something my mom might say about multiple people because she's sort of flowery like that. But she meant it.

But then my sisters and my dad agreed. Your dad? My dad, who I don't even think he thinks that I'm part of the family. I think your dad called me the son he wishes he'd ever had. He had two sons. And he likes Amir. But yeah, everybody was like, I feel so comfortable around Amir. Amir's part of the family.

Why do you think that is? I guess because, I think because you were just like joking around with people. Just sense of humor. Yeah, but also like I felt in Nantucket I could just like leave a room and you'd be fine. Right. Well, I guess I'm very comfortable with your family. Yeah, it's been so many years. Although I did make one mistake, which is when you came here tonight,

I bought a football and a Frisbee for the house to have, in quotations. Everyone was very touched by that gesture because you guys didn't have a football and a Frisbee. Then when I left, but we played football, we played with the Frisbee. That's great to hear. The other day we played, it'd be a great game of family football and everyone had a fun. That's an amazing gift that I gave. But then when I landed, I jokingly texted Jake, Hey, just realized I want slash need the football and Frisbee, which is like a joke we would make though i was i never said just kidding right i thought you thought i was kidding and then i'd get home from the beach and i had so many texts like so many emails and i just saw that i was like okay got it and then

you came over today you just got back from nantucket and you had the football and the frisbee you gave it to me back your family thinks i'm a huge asshole i can't believe you're coming at me right now like i fucked that up You really did I fucked that up You shouldn't have made that joke Why are you taking the football and the frisbee Oh Amir he wants it back That's how fucking petty he is

He doesn't want you guys to have it anymore It was $19 It didn't even occur to me that it was weird that you wanted it back I was never even like Jesus I thought this was for us So you weren't offended when I asked for it? No, I was just like, oh, he bought it, he wants it. What a mean, mean gesture for me to give a gift for four days and then demand it back.

I thought you just wanted a football to have. Did we play with football? Yeah, we played with football. I would like a football to have, actually. Now you do. But now I have it under the wrong pretense. I don't want it. You know what, pal?

Look at this. Oh, my God. You're showing me what? This is a brutense. I don't want it. You know what, pal? Look at this. Oh, my God. You're showing me what? This is a bruise. This is from... Sorry, I don't even know what we're doing. We're finally drunk. We did it.

Such a tangent. This podcast is two hours long. Does that count as a break? I think so. That was a love letter. I told you you're part of my family, and then we talked about how I fucking accidentally brought home a football. That's the most beautiful thing.

Oh, here's another thing that I wanted to mention in the middle of the show, which is where we're at now. Last week, we talked about some guy we called Uncle Jesse who was debating whether or not he should hook up with his neighbor. I said it was a terrible idea. You said it was a good idea. And then you went on to say that. Do you remember exactly what you said?

I believe I said if he was asking us, then he already has. And I got an email or text message from Uncle Jesse, and he confirmed that you were correct. That I was right? You were correct. Ah! Toe down, Jesse! So he said he was very impressed by your call that he had already hooked

up that's amazing hashtag dope how did you know that because that's me shit that's how i operate but i also got an i got an update on the situation this is our first updated situation i'm enthralled the update is though she was a little too pushy this week a lot of texts and she even cold knocked on my door one night so i put the kibosh on her told her we should be buds and i said oh so do you regret it or not he said i do not regret it because nothing crazy stalker has happened at least yet there we go no regrets you you looked at me like you were right. No, I guess you were right.

But in that specific situation, it could have been a lot worse, and it could get a lot worse. Right. No, that's tough. The cold knock is definitely tough. That's a dangerous territory. Yeah, yeah. That's a red flag for sure. Yeah.

I think it was good to put the kibosh on a pal. But at least he did, like you called, had already slept with her. Yeah, that's amazing. And you know what? Let it cool off for a month and then you can fuck her again. No problem. I swear to God, man. You don't get it.

You really can't. By the way, by the time this podcast airs, he's already sleeping with her again. He's going out with her. He's calling it. Like Babe Ruth pointed a left field. He's pointing at a girl's vagina with a bat. I guarantee you by, what is it, Saturday right now? Yeah. By Monday, you fucked her again, friend. I guarantee you by, what is it, Saturday right now? Yeah.

By Monday, you fucked her again, friend. I do not think that's true. Let's do it. I want to go two for two. Double or nothing. Oh, mercy. All right. Uncle Jesse, that's his line.

Mercy. Oh, yeah. Have mercy. Have mercy. All right. This is a question from Lisa Turtle. This is also a very sweet, sentimental question. Nice.

So set your brain to that. good evening gentlemen my best friend and i are currently about to face the worst predicament imaginable we are being forced to break up and drift in separate directions sailing alone in the sea of life did you just burp i just puked a little bit my best friend is going away to college an hour and a half away from me. I'm deeply depressed because we do everything together. We work together, hang out together, live in the same small town. We are what you say, creepily obsessed with each other. I can't go one freaking day without her. People at work often say being around you two makes me want to kill myself.

I don't understand why. I think they are just jealous of our hashtag dope relationship and don't understand our abnormal sense of humor. My question to you brilliant fellows is how will I ever live without my partner and crime by my side? How do you think you guys would live without each other? Sincerely, Lisa Turtle. This is really, really perfect for this podcast because now we're like a little tipsy, feeling a little sentimental. But that's what happens in college. Your high school friends drift apart, but it's not permanent, Lisa Turtle. It's not.

And just because this girl is far away, she's not even that far away. She's only an hour and a half away. Yeah, it's not bad at all. Yeah. You know, two encouraging things. Number one, most of Amir's friends, I know this about you, are from high school.

Right. I didn't make any friends at college. In fact, I was like a mean, angry college kid, some would say. I alienated myself because I figured I had maxed out. You're still known on the Berkeley campus as the hermit. As an alien. As a troll. As an alien hermit troll, yeah.

And I also did something very similar. I don't have a single friend from Facebook from Hunter College where I went to college. Interesting. No friends. And I stayed friends with a lot of kids from high school. That's how it goes. You guys can't stay friends. Though that's not to say that you shouldn't make friends in college.

I think we're both... No, I think if this girl, if she wants to make this relationship work, she wouldn't speak to anyone else. Make any single other friend because you're all that she needs. But you know, another thing is I moved to LA two years ago. Yeah. And me and Amir were separated

for an entire year. That's true, but it was the most difficult year of my life. Completely unrelated to you moving to LA. Right, yeah. I mean, if anything,

it was... Right, I mean, I was a goddamn distraction and nothing. In a weird turn of events, I stubbed my toe every hour for a year. I thought I had

some kind of weird form of epilepsy but it was insane how it happened every hour on the hour pain Tourette's like some sort of weird groundhog's day where i would just stub my toe every top of the hour i think that i think that you guys can stay friends especially if it's only an hour half away just stay in touch but give each other space too i mean you don't want to be the friend that's like getting jealous if she's going out right maybe she's gonna make a third friend you guys can start a trio a tribe yeah three of a kind there you go or or if she makes a new friend she'll abandon you which is also pretty chill

yeah like she's like oh miranda's oh miranda's so funny and then you that's cool can i hang out you and miranda you wouldn't really like miranda just because like she's not really your scene she's like yeah she's like all right so she's not really your scene. Oh, totally. All right, so let's me and you do something. No, no, no, because me and Miranda are going to go get high. Oh, you guys like drugs. Yeah, we do drugs now. I can get into drugs.

No, you don't like drugs. I love drugs. No, I was telling her that you don't really like drugs. I'm high as a kite. You're faking it. Miranda does it for real. She was in fucking rehab. All right, speaking of, that's the fourth question.

It's Molly time. We've been getting drunk to this podcast, but now we're doing a little bit of Molly, a little bit of cocaine. Pop the fourth question. We're sweating. So yes, there is hope for you yet, Lisa Turtle. Y'all, totally there's hope. And you know what?

Now it's even easier with like Skype. I remember trying to video chat what is now my ex-girlfriend when I was in college in 2002. And it was the most rudimentary, like half-assed, like remember the Logitech webcams that were a sphere? Like it upgraded every like two frames. You like barely hear. But all that you cared about was just screenshotting the one time she showed you her tits.

Well, not necessarily that, but yeah. But now like you can FaceTime, you can have like real life video chat from your phone without Wi-Fi. It's crazy. And it's only getting better and better. Yeah. I mean, I remember having Logitech and being like, I am on the cutting edge. I could not imagine like real time Face time It was so low quality

Me and my college girlfriend would 100% still be together If that existed I guarantee it The only thing that split us apart was the frame rate At which we can video chat with each other Nothing else Mercy I have to stop saying that

Alright That's the next t-shirt I think you're not allowed to have that I have to stop saying that. All right. I thought you were saying, that's the next t-shirt. I think you're not allowed to have that because it's someone else's catchphrase. I will definitely not. I'm still working on seize the cheese over here. A picture of your face that says, oh mercy. I have a mullet.

Not mercy. All right, all right, all right. We're at the half hour mark, but let's get through one more question. Uno mas, let's do it. Let's seize the cheese and squeeze one more in. One more swig from this gatorade. We're getting silly now. Did you guys think this was a good idea or a bad idea?

What do you think people will think? I feel like, you know what I think? I think people will think it was a good idea at the top, like, oh, this is funny. But by the end, I bet there's going to be a lot of questions that are like, hey, you're a little inebriated. You're a little hard to understand. Your words are being slurred. I'm not quick-witted right now. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? I know that this is an independence day. No, wait, no. Oh no oh fuck see how slow i am i thought that was will smith in independence day that's chris tucker in rush hour that's right holy shit welcome to earth i'm just afraid that like much in real much like in real life when you're drunk

you just assume everyone loves you but then when you're sober right people hate you. Yeah, like I'm just like, someday you will find me. Come beneath the landslide. People are going to love this song. I'm singing it so well. In the champagne supernova. Like in my mind, that's awesome. This is so fun. And the thing is, people listen to podcasts at their most sober.

They're at work. They're at the gym. This is someone's 9 a.m commute through traffic and it's my saturday night drunk as fuck ready to go out in lower manhattan you know i'm saying that was that fair i had a tight futon game in college y'all listened listen okay i was on that tight futon shit i fucking lifted it up turned it into a bed when necessary lifted it up turned it into a sofa that's what's up that's me and ken ryan we played madden you know what i'm saying what madden did you guys play i didn't actually play mad and i just didn't i had no

idea what people actually did on futons did you guys did you play do you have a video game that you equate with your freshman year of college? No, I never played video games. I do. All right. No, no, no, that's good. That was so sobering. That's fine. Everybody else says Halo. I remember thinking I wanted to break my roommate's Halo game in half

so they couldn't play anymore. Just the CD snapped into two? That's what I wanted to do. Just break it in half and put it back in the box. That's what Halo 2 is, actually. You break the Halo in half, and then you put the broken CD in. All right, one last question. Mr. Belding writes, fake name, real question, real email, real person.

So I'm a junior at University of Washington, and I'm a political science major. I have straight A's and going to law school after graduation. My girlfriend, on the other hand, is a sophomore in college. I'm not a pedophile, and is majoring in philosophy. She always compares our workloads and says that I have it so easy. She has bad grades and isn't going anywhere in life, and I

swear she wants to mooch off me when I'm a lawyer. Should I break up with her and date a smart girl, or should I keep her around for the sex? I'm dying over here. You son of a bitch. You absolute asshole. My favorite part

that I was listening to you read that question because it's like even if I didn't understand the words, even if I zoned out and didn't listen to what you were saying,

you're like, your read of that is filled with hate for that guy. This is probably the worst person that's ever written in, right? Should I dump my dumbass girlfriend? Yes, if that's the way you think of your girlfriend, she should dump you. We should fucking find out who she is and be like, hey, your boyfriend's a goddamn piece of shit who doesn't appreciate you.

I cannot believe that you would write such a rude email about someone you're supposedly in love with you know what we should do is answer this question in his perfect world this is what he wants this answer to be ready holy shit a pimp and a philosopher writes in i'm getting straight as you're going to law school after graduation should should I dump my biatch of a girlfriend? Finally, someone who's doing something with his life. I mean, this girl is just a biatch. Cut the ball and chain, dude. You got to get rid of that dead weight. She's holding you back.

She thinks her work's as hard as you? No, I don't think so, man. You're a lawyer. Do you know the kind of poon you're going to be able to pull? Girls that respect you. Girls that know you're a million times smarter and a million times more successful than they could ever be. And this girl sounds like a real, she really does sound like a grade A poo nanny with her bad grades. She's not going anywhere.

I agree with you. She's not going anywhere. Let's take this one step further. Most girls are actually like this girl. So good luck finding a girl who appreciates you for the awesome man that you are. This is what you do. You keep her for the sex. Obviously, you got to get your D-dubs.

Yep. But at the same time, once you find that hot lawyer chick, you gotta cut that ball and chain off. Let her drift to the bottom of the ocean. Man, you're a piece of shit. I understand that you support the podcast, that you listen, that you wrote in, and holy shit, I fucking appreciate that. Buy a razor from Harry's.

But tell you what, tell you what, Val. This is the last episode you can listen to. How's that? You're done. You're cut off. This is the first time in podcast history that we demanded that someone not stay with it. From now on, that's the golden achievement you can get on our podcast.

We cut someone off. And can you please, can we honor that? Can you please never listen to it? At this point, I would be proud to call you not a fan. I would be honored if you never heard my voice again. If you hated me, I would take that as a badge of honor. I really would. As more than a compliment.

Because, uh-oh, you're a lowlife. Uh-oh, that one's for Ben. Oh, mercy me. Oh, mercy again. This guy's a terrible terrible person yeah should i break up with my girlfriend yes do break up with her but not for the reason that you're thinking about breaking up with her break up with her because you don't respect her how's a little okay a little bit of a silver lining here uh hopefully we opened your eyes as to what a meanie you can be maybe you should start respecting your girlfriend for majoring in something that she loves

and struggling with her grades because sometimes school does not come as easy as it does for you. Maybe you should break up with this girlfriend, but maybe the next one you'd have a little bit more empathy. That's true. Nobody's exactly like you, and that's okay. That being said, please never listen to this podcast again. Guys, if everyone else can tell one other person because we really don't want our viewership to drop. Yeah.

Yeah, because our viewership is going up right now. I'd really hate for it to drop. Yeah, because I look at the numbers and if we don't hit 30,000 in the first week, I'm going to blame this dude because he's going to stop listening. So if all of you can just tell one person, I'd really appreciate that.

Amir personally would appreciate that. I personally really would appreciate that. And I'd personally like to come and break your iPod, Mr. Belding. Mr. Dennis Haskins. It's actually Dennis Haskins. Oh my God. I'm doing something with my life. I'm a fucking lawyer.

Of course he's a lawyer. Lawyers are, in general, terrible people. My father's a lawyer. He called you part of the family not but 48 hours ago. Maybe I'm the small-minded idiot that I'm claiming to be. Has he tossed a Frisbee at me that I said I must return to appear? In fact, he wants all of his possessions back, everything that he gave you. I know he purchased some food for the house.

He wants the chips back, the remainder of the cookies. You can imagine how small that is. I do regret saying that about lawyers. I know a lot of great lawyers. I shouldn't have said that. Lawyers are just stereotypically... Everybody that's not my lawyer sucks. Yeah, every lawyer that I don't know sucks.

But the ones that I know are great people. Yeah, now we're more than out of time. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. We hope you enjoyed this episode as much as we enjoyed having it. Let us know what you think about that. As much as we enjoyed drinking it. Oh, mercy. Every time

I say it, someone's probably going to think that you said it, actually. No, we don't sound alike. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. Here's a thing you guys can do to support the show. If you're at your computer, it would really help if you subscribe to the show on iTunes. We stopped calling out for that, but that really is helpful for other people to find us through their iTunes ranking. And it's pretty easy.

You just search Jake Namir on the iTunes podcast store, and you find If I Were You. This is how drunk you need to get to finally plug us on iTunes. There's a button that says subscribe. It just starts downloading the episodes automatically. You don't have to listen through iTunes. You can still listen on SoundCloud. This was supposed to be pregame, but I think you're actually done.

I think it's more than halftime at this point. This was supposed to be a pregame and it's the goddamn postgame show. That's the sound of the buzzer there. So, yes, please subscribe and keep listening to it any way you can. And thank you so much for listening, literally everybody except for Mr. Belding. You are a terrible human being. And we're going to close the show by showing one more or listening to

or hearing one more or showing or playing or displaying. He's broken. Displaying, playing, playing. We've got to reprogram Amir here. Hey, we're going to end this show by playing one more theme song submissions that we got. Keep them coming. You guys are so talented. We love you all except for Mr. Belding.

This one is from Charlie. Please enjoy. Thanks so much for listening. Bye, everybody. If I were you, if I were you, would you pull through for me? Now you're alone and I am too. Now you're home like me would you sit and wait for ten winters to pass just to see the sun through the glass