Segments - 16: Hot Hands

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

In this episode we create a movie, remember a story, and slap each other a lot.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear! Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. We're emphatic hosts. That's from one of our earliest videos. It's like you trying to do stuff with metal fingers. It still slaps.

Yeah, it's still funny. It's a black parade, yeah. Yeah, it's like we're given metal fingers. If you're not watching, we're doing the rock and roll. Yeah. Index finger pinky. Yep. And then it's stuck to the point where we're like trying to like fix our hair

lift up a cup and it's really hard because we can only use two fingers and in that video you I think you go to a vending machine you go to a vending machine you can't press one of the buttons so you press two at the same time and then yeah you go to a hot dog stand

and you hold up the rocker and you mouth one and rocker. Can I get one? You mouth one. And then you get two hot dogs. That was great. In 2006. Yeah. 17 years ago. Was that 17 years ago now?

I think so, yeah. Sad. I wanted to sort of apologize slash give you the room to admit defeat. In last week's episode, we played the celebrity game. Yeah. And you beat me by going Stevie Nicks, which we thought ended with X. Yeah. I'm getting a lot of tweets and messages at posts, DMs, that Stevie Nicks is actually

spelled N-I-C-K-S. Yeah. Yeah. Did you know that at the time? At the time, no. No. I didn't know that. I know that now.

And I mean, it's just just it's the exact same thing i sang for you yeah you did and you know what this happens all the time in sports in competitions uh you know it just happened to the new york knicks i think last night the ref said that they they called a foul on somebody shooting a three they said it wasn't a foul but the the rockets won the game. My beloved Tottenham Hotspur, I believe they beat Liverpool this year 2-1. And there was a disallowed goal in the first half that should have stood.

These things happen, and you have to be prepared because the game can't be perfect. You have to be perfect. Do you know what I mean? That's really cool. You should have stood up for yourself. You should have known that Stevie Nicks

didn't start with an X. For whatever reason, I think- Why don't you sing for me now? Oh, boy. I can make you satisfied in everything you do. What song is that? Elliot Smith. Yeah.

Nice. Yeah, it's from Good Will and Take. Okay, cool. That should be another bet that we do. The loser has to read a movie out loud. Oh, I had a really dumb idea in my head the other day that it can never be anything, so I'll just say it on the show. Sure. You know the really powerful end of Good Will Hunting?

Yep. I guess you could say, mom, I have to see about a girl. No, no, no. It's when Robin Williams is telling Matt Damon, it's not your fault. He's like, yeah, I know. It's not your fault. Stop it. It's not your fault.

And they have this really big emotional hug. So in my head, it was just, instead of saying it's not your fault, he just keeps on saying, it's not that big a deal. I know. It's not that big a deal. That helps you get over your trauma. Yeah. So it's not a big deal. That helps you get over your trauma. My parents do that a lot, both with us growing up and now with our great their grandchildren. Yeah. It's like they spilled and they cry.

It's like, it's OK. It's OK. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah. Now that's like their attitude towards everything. Yeah. Stuff that is a big deal. It's like, it's OK.

It's OK. It's not that big. Yeah. Some stuff is a big deal. Totally. The other day I was giving Gemma a bath and I like laid her down on the counter before the bath. And she like she doesn't like getting undressed. So I'm laying her down, but she's sort of like grabbing at my arm, trying to like not go down.

But I like bring her closer and closer. And she's like pretty close. So I'm like, OK, there you are. But then as she's getting closer, she just kind of like leans her head back and hits her head on the back of the counter. And then she starts crying and my reaction was like instead of saying it's okay or anything like jill was right there i was like that's not my fault so you were trying to soothe yourself yeah i felt so bad yeah i'm like i didn't want you to cry i didn't want her to cry but i was like i was like that's not my fault yeah don't you can be in pain but don't be mad at me the worst thing you can say this is not on me yeah

that's not my fault that's almost funnier than it's not a big deal yeah it's saying that's not your that's not my fault it's not my problem yeah and it also was my fault yeah she hit her head oh come on she hits her head all the time she hits her head all the time if she hits her head doing something that she wants to do doesn't bother her at all she's reaching for a toy she smacks her head on the side of the counter she's like whatever she's also trying to she's almost trying to frame you or something yeah she was like i'm like i know that didn't hurt you that much but you're kind of already on the edge you're already doing something you really didn't want to do.

And then it's like. Now you're just fucking embellishing for the sake. Or you lean in and you're trying to make it look bad. It's like when you get back in and you're like, you at the grocery store, you forgot something. You're like, God damn, I have to go back inside. And then as you're going, you like stub your toe on your car or something. Now that hurts more. Yeah, it hurts more because you didn't want to be doing it.

Exactly. Yeah. We should say we're back in the studio together. That's right. So we can talk over each other quickly. We can point to the screen. Right now it's just our podcast.

Yeah. But we can put anything on. There's no delay. Oh yeah, we can do a 50 like tweet today. Yeah, we can do a 50 like tweet for sure. Yeah. We could really do anything we want. Anything we want.

And that's the beauty of segments. We could clear these tables out and have a wrestling match. We could have an oil wrestle or a mud wrestle. Any liquid, almost like a viscous

You and I could do a wet t-shirt contest. We could do a Z-Qual contest. Which I guess, what is a wet t-shirt contest? It's where you wear white t-shirts and then you get really wet

so you can sort of see like it sticks to their But why is it a contest? Who has the best wet? It's who has the best wet. Nipples are more visible. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The most visible wet t-shirt sort of see why is it the contest who has the best yeah exactly the most visible wet t-shirt sort of style cool yeah so we could do that

we could easily do it I'm wearing white already let's try to stick to segments that are evergreen slash doable even over zoom what's not evergreen about a white t-shirt white t-shirt contest a white t-shirt contest that's howshirt contest? A white t-shirt contest. That's how they were invented. It was a

I misheard you. Alright, everyone line up for the white t-shirt contest. Wet t-shirt. No white t-shirt. Who's taking the best care of their white tees? I can see their nips. Oh my god. They don't do that anymore, I bet, on MTV because it's considered

like sexual harassment. Yeah, it's objectifying. Yes, exactly. Yes, yes, yes. Which is why we're not going to do it today either. Right. You thought a good segment would be to come up with a movie or musical? Yeah.

I think we did it a long time ago by accident on If I Were You. You came up with a pretty good film. Like, yeah, Housemouth? Yeah, it was Housemouth. It was a horror movie about a house. Like the house is haunted and it's like a personification of a house. Okay, all right.

So let's, wasn't that hard? No. We'll come up with another one. A film. Yeah. Do you want to do, let's, we'll do like a Disney or a Pixar, an animated, a kid's film.

That's even easier. Yeah. Because there's like basically no rules. Right. Fish can talk. Toys can walk around. Yeah. It's so random sometimes.

And that's kind of the – so what's the magical element here? Is it animals? Is it fairies? Is it princess? Is it underwater? Is it inanimate objects are fine? I think definitely, or is it like emotions are personified? Oh, yes.

Sometimes they'll be like, I'm anger and I'm sadness. And it's a different character. Yeah, and it's just like a red bubbly guy. I think we start with the star of it and we sort of back into it. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. So like who's the biggest fucking star in the world?

Right now? Probably Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift, yeah. So Taylor Swift is, what do you think? The littler mermaid. So it's like the little mermaid, but she's so tiny dinky.

It's almost like a tadpole. Yeah. Tadpole Swift. I see. Okay. So Taylor Swift. Tadpoles basically are like little sperms that become frogs. Yes.

So the idea that like what's a pre-mermaid? Right. Oh. Because you never see a baby mermaid. Yeah. What did Ariel the Little Mermaid look like when she was born? She probably looked like a little tadpole. Yeah.

And that's what Taylor Swift will be, the littler mermaid. Or the littlest mermaid. Or like a dinky ass mermaid. Dinky ass. The dinky ass mermaid. Right. Starring Taylor Swift will be the littler mermaid. Or the littlest mermaid, or like a dinky-ass mermaid. Dinky-ass, the dinky-ass mermaid starring Taylor Swift. And yeah, so it's like kind of the origin story. Yes, exactly. Yeah, and the beginning, she's born. She's a tiny little dinky mermaid.

Super dinky-ass. And then like, okay, so we have the star. We have the... Because I already see the poster, Taylor Swift as... The dinky and then like okay so we have the star we have the because i i already see the poster taylor swift as the dinky mermaid yes exactly or like plays uh not aerial because that name is taken but like uh something with a b uh burial burial a burial burial yeah so burial the dinky mermaid tadpole yeah and then it's like, to her it's like the whole world, but I bet it's like a small little pond. Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting. So it's a tide pool maybe. Yeah, or like a koi pond at a fancy hotel. Right. Oh, that's good. Like a resort. Oh, so instead of Prince Charming, she falls in love with either like a bellhop or somebody staying at the hotel. Yeah, or like a kid falls in.

I wonder if a kid can fall in. Yeah. That's kind of fun. What if a – yeah. So a kid falls – and that's good because it's reversed. It's not like in The Little Mermaid, Ariel gets feet from Ursula. You remember Ursula? Oh, yeah.

No, wasn't it her – oh, she exchanges her voice. Yeah, yeah. She makes a trade, a devil's bargain with Ursula for feet. Then she goes up and she has to kind of convince – But she can't talk. Yeah, it wasn't in her. Oh, she exchanges her voice. Yeah, yeah. She makes a trade, a devil's bargain with Ursula for feet. And then she goes up and she has to kind of convince. But she can't talk. Yeah, she can't talk. Why does Ursula want her voice? Because she can't talk or?

No, Ursula can talk. She sings a song before. Better than probably Ariel. Yeah. I think she just, she's jealous because she's an octopus lady and she wants she wants the voice you know for her own means her own devious ends yes exactly what's a Faustian bargain doesn't it seem like that would come into play here whatever that means right like imagine like the tadpole the dinky ass mermaid played by Taylor Swift making a Faustian bargain but what do you think that means I don't really

know what that is does that sound familiar to you Faustian let's But what do you think that means? I don't really know what that is. Does that sound familiar to you? I'll guess that it's bargaining something you don't have to bargain. Or like it's a – yeah. Or you want something so badly that when you get it, you're not even that happy about it. Interesting. Yeah, like a Faustian bargain or something. All right.

So Taylor Swift, as the dinky mermaid, Burial, makes a Faustian bargain with a tyke that falls in the koi pond at the fancy hotel where she lives. It can even be an infant that actually slipped out of the hands

of a proud father. And then like slaps, it hits the top of the surface tension and then it just like hits and then she sort of lays, sort of floats down to the bottom. And then at that point – Does burial save the infant?

I think that's like almost like it's considered like a supernatural event to her because it's like holy shit. Now there's this – for her, giant baby. Right. Because she's so small. Yeah. But like it's part of basically this Faustian. Yeah. It's Faustian.

What happens in act two. Ah interesting. I get what you mean. Like what's her. What's the goal. What's the promise. What is right. What is trying to achieve.

What does burial want. And how does she get it. Yeah exactly. Does she want out of the out of the koi pond. I think that's a little that a, that mirrors the Little Mermaid a little too much. Right, she wants to go out and see Prince Charming and all that stuff. Maybe Burial

enjoys her time in the pond. In the pond. And wants more people to live there. Right. So she's kind of like evil. Maybe at night she drags people who are in the hotel by themselves into the pond with her. That's Faustian. I wonder because a lot of these movies and superhero stuff right now,

it's like this gray area of morality. You don't know like what's, who's the bad guy, right? Yeah, yeah, that's true. It's like this bad guy, but it's actually like, is he that bad because he just, you know, he's the Joker. He wants to see the world burn or something. Yeah, he's just messed up in some way. He's unmedicated.

Yeah, yeah. Right. So in some way. He's unmedicated. Yeah, yeah. Right. So I wonder if like the tadpole. Part of your world. That song is taken, but we could easily just slide another one in there. Part of your. Swirl. Right, because the drain is going down.

Yeah, oh, that's good. Oh, they're cleaning the pond. Exactly. So the water is going down yeah oh that's good they're they're that's like they're cleaning the pond exactly so the water is getting lower and lower and lower the tadpole is fine because it's super dinky part of your sweat i saw something in my throat so that didn't sound good it was just because i have i had a flaky croissant for breakfast but i think on the day when we're recording i won't it won't won't be you. It'll be Taylor Swift. I will. Well, I'll have to,

I'll record like the scratch tracks for her to go off of. And at the end of the day, if she passes on the project, I can play Dinky. Right. So the water is going down. Yeah. Which sort of is like a timer

of the entire. Right. That's our ticking clock. Exactly. It's a metaphor towards like us hurtling towards. Oblivion. Climate change. Yeah. That we can't stop. Right. That's our ticking clock. Exactly. It's a metaphor towards like us hurtling towards climate change that we can't stop. Right. So the water is getting lower and lower. The tadpole is getting bigger and bigger.

Oh. Taylor Swift realizes, holy shit, at a certain point, it's going to be too much, too fast, too soon. So she's going to be able to try to convince the fetus or not the fetus, but the infant. The infant, yeah. The infant fell into the pool. She has like a few moments. For her, she's small, everything takes forever, but it's actually a few seconds.

So like, imagine dropping Gemma in a pool or a pond. No, I won't. For you, it's like, oh shit! Oh my God, she's okay, she's okay, she's okay. That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my fault. That took two seconds, But in the pond world, time works differently in the pond.

Time works differently in the pond. It works a little differently in the pond. Yeah, she's setting up the stakes slash universe or the physics, the reality, the fastian bargain that's happening, which is basically the smaller you are, the slower time is. Yes. It all exists like super stretched out

or fast whatever however we want to find works a little differently in the pond exactly time works differently in the pond and that could be sung by either taylor or the sebastian style or taylor lautner yes who will be playing sebastian but like a smaller version of a crab what are those like when you had pets as a kid and they were like little crap like almost like a sea monkey yeah a little sea monkey so he's like a little sea. So time works even slower for him because you can't even really see a sea monkey. Oh really? It's that small.

Yeah. Jesus. That's a waste. A lot. Yeah. I'm wondering if that's too small. Well, we could go down into like the, you know, micro, micro, micro. So then that's kind of interesting because then Taylor slash burial looks

larger. Cause it's, it's almost a story of relativity and subjectivity. Yes. Because like to her, she's Faustian. It is Faustian the bargain, but like for her,

she's small to us. Yeah. And then the, the infant that you dropped. Huge to her. But Taylor Lautner, a sea monkey, burial is actually very big to him. Yes. So I don't know.

There's something there. Is there like an equivalent to that with regards to anything you've seen ever before? Like I've never seen anything. Which is good. Yeah. Interstellar deals with some of this stuff. Thematically? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, I'm interested in doing time jumps. The way Interstellar did, you know? Yeah. So yeah. Have you seen Ad Astra starring Brad Astra? Yeah, I have.

So wasn't that similar? Yeah, I have. So it would be it would be an ad Astra meets Little Mermaid meets Inception meets Interstellar slash Little Mermaid slash Battlestar Galactica. Yeah, exactly. Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner, Brad Pitt. Which is like, honestly, you don't even need to say anything more than that i feel like having those people attached that sells the movie and i don't even want to pitch it anymore all right like if you're not buying this in the room if you're not giving me a monster advance to write this movie with these stars attached with this a-list talent yeah with taylor swift and brad pitt alone lautner is added value because i don't think he's the third character I love the guy but I don't think he opens he doesn't open a movie on his own he doesn't have to

I don't think he's been in a film since Twilight it's weird as fuck that he's in this film I don't even know how that happened but he is attached and he's not going anywhere he's literally attached to this script I feel like we made a Faustian bargain with his agent.

Is there a world where Pitt and Swift are super attached? Do you know what that means? No. So there's attached, which is like if we sell this movie and it goes and you have an availability. That's an if-come. That's an if-come deal That's an if-come deal. Yeah. Yeah.

If-come. Blind development. Super attached would be a $50 million advance paid in kind. Yeah. Points? On the back end, yeah. Not on the front? On the front.

They're actually attached so intertwined to one another. So interstellared into this script that it's almost like they have to be in the movie regardless of what else they have going on. Wow. So world tour over. Correct. That's right. Because she's, again, so attached. Super attached.

Super attached. Yeah. Is there anything there? Faustian? Or not? So we walk into the room, Swift, $50 million already gone.

Yeah. Super attached. Even though there's a fucking, I feel like we hammered this out between us. We walk into the room, we say Swift pit Lautner suck on these nuts. How much do you want to give us? And they'll be like,

why Lautner? Why not? Why not? Super attached. It doesn't matter who else no one else is playing second fiddle try to find you think tom holland is going to play second fiddle to taylor swift no it's these egos for these hollywood guys right they all want to be like they're spilling right exactly and you need to find somebody that hasn't had that opening hit in a little while a la lautner or you need to find that aging actor a la pitt who is like i'm willing to be the and brad pitt you know because

it's going to be taylor swift taylor lautner first billing but then you have that special and oh at the end brad features with special guests featuring. With Brad Pitt. Like, comes third, but it is his own thing. First, like, he's title card, just him. It's not like Brad Pitt. I feel like we're focusing so much on the title cards and the credits and the deals that we're – I'm a little lost because I still don't entirely know what happens in, like, Act 3 or what burial wants. What's that phrase? Like, I can't see the forest

for the trees or from the trees i'm worried about crafty at the at a certain point it's all it's arriving on on on set but it is in an animated yeah so it doesn't really i don't know why he's coming to set but like he's showing up at set having not had yeah and i'm concerned are there trailers for vo or you just walk into the booth that's what I so we'll I think maybe I've never done this we'll do a car a car service to pick him

up and drop him off but then he arrives at the VO booth it doesn't make sense unless we do like a sort of Sonic style Sonic is animated but the character real real action yeah but I wonder

like Ben did Sonic right yeah did he have crafty? Let's call him. We have to get this hammered out. Try calling him right now and ask if he had crafty while recording Sonic. I'm curious if there was a spread. Sure, sure thing.

At the very least, if there was bread. And then once we have this hammered, that's the last page of the pitch deck alright so I'm going to FaceTime him wonderful pick up he should right he's not available should I call again

oh actually I can record a video and then he'll send one back ok so it's counting me in oh this is like a video hey sorry I know you you rejected my FaceTime call I was just calling because Amir had a question on Sonic was there a crafty

for the VO that's it just let us know okay okay and we'll see if he responds I wanted to ask about being super attached one second all right we're back uh we're in the same room so i thought it would be fun to play hot hands that game where like you put your palms up i put my hands on yours and you try to slap me

yeah can are you do you play the one at a time I think you can do, you can go like right hits right, left hits left. You don't have to go like across. Okay. All right. And you can also do a double. Yeah. The double is what you want.

Exactly. The double is the key. Yeah. So obviously this is better visually, but we'll try to narrate as well. Okay. But you can watch this episode and this hot hands little, yeah.

You do the, a lot of it is faking. Yeah. And like what happens if you pull your hands away? Yeah. That's fine, right? As long as you don't get slapped. Yeah.

But then you're constantly just going like this. Oh, right, right. Yeah, you're just trying to get somebody to not fake out. Okay. All right. Am I going first or are you going first? Okay, you can go first. So Jake is-

Let's rock, paper, scissor to see who goes on the bottom first. Okay. So three, two, paper, scissor to see who goes on the bottom first. Okay. So three, two, one, shoot? Yeah. Okay. Well, actually, why don't we do the ones and twos thing to see if it's three, two, one, shoot, or just three, two, shoot.

Okay. Great. So I'll say number one through four. So I'll go three, two, one, and then say number one through four, and you have to either put zero or one finger up. Huh? You have to go zero or one finger up. I have to? Yeah, and me. Okay. Ready? Three, two, one, four, and you have to either put zero or one finger up. Huh? You have to go zero or one finger up. I have to? Yeah, and me.

Okay, ready? Three, two, one, four. Okay, so that's two. Huh? And now you say three, two, one, and a number one through four. Three, two, one, one. Got it.

Wow, I don't even know how to play. Okay, so now it's the rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Right, so now we're, and we're, I don't know what the, like, which one was winning. Yeah, rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Right, okay, okay. And then winner will be, like, the, paper, scissors, shoot. Right. Okay. Okay. And then winner will be the people who put their palm up.

Right. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, you beat me. Scissors beats paper. Okay. So now I'm going to go on the bottom. Okay.

And that's the game. You didn't even flinch. I didn't flinch because I was going to let you slap me and say, all right, that was the game. But you didn't do that. All right. Okay. Round one. Round one.

All right. Nice. T. It's all right. You hit me a double. I smacked him double time. Come on, bring it back, coward. My nails are also really long.

I'm scratching them under here. Come on, you're not even trying. It's too fast. See what I have now. You gotta be another double. I have dad reflexes. So I'm really fast. That's how you hit Gemma.

So scared. I'll hit him again I can't imagine a world where it goes I am fast enough I have to be able to whiff you hit him again it's four I don't know but do you want me to just keep on going I got it I got it it's five

hit me again got him again me to just keep on going? No, no, no. I got it. I got it. I got it. It's fine. Got me again. Got him again. Isn't it this easy? Alright, let me try to be on the bottom. I'm skittish. He's getting me with the face. How does anyone ever lose?

I mean, it's just constant. It's too easy to get anyone to come back. Yeah, we have to make it almost easier. It's all about the coming back. I have to remember. I'm trying to remember. Not even moving now. He fucking gets off to this shit.

Alright, I guess let's keep going until somebody actually gets whiffed. Oh! Got one! Alright, we're getting better. Now I'm the one who's going to slap Jake. Hoop! Oh, okay. Because you are hitting the mic. That looks more painful. One, okay. Because you are hitting the mic. That looks more painful. One, two.

Dad reflexes. Dad reflexes. Oh! Dad reflexes. I tried to go cross country. That was good. Cool. It's fun.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right, we're back. Yo, yo. Somebody I asked on Reddit, anybody had segment ideas. The popular most upvoted comment was begging for Altoids. But the second one was to talk about another college humor,

oral history style story from our past. Yeah. And I don't think we've ever talked about the hottest college girl contest party. Yeah. In which one of the ladies we were throwing the party for went missing. Right. Yeah.

Okay. You had more of an insight into that whole situation. For, I believe, it was either two or three years, I was in charge of the hottest college girl contest, at least from an editorial standpoint. And that was like a March Madness style bracket tournament where people would literally vote on which person was hotter. Yeah. So this was we would solicit submissions.

This was insane. I'm not saying it out loud. Yeah. Girls from all of the different colleges around the world or around the country would submit themselves. And then we would help them build their profiles with like all of these pictures. And then they would go head to head against other girls from other colleges in a March Madness bracket style tournament.

Down to a final four. Down to a final four. Final two. And then ultimately crowning the hottest college girl. Yeah. And these, CollegeHumor was a huge website. These were getting tens of thousands of votes it wasn't like probably more yeah

so it was it was and it was sponsored it was I think it was like it was sponsored in the last like year or two I think before that it was just like a traffic driving thing but yeah then eventually was sponsored by like probably axe or Mike's hard lemonade or something like that axe for sure

and then yeah at the end of this tournament probably Axe or Mike's Hard Lemonade or something like that. I was going to say Axe for sure. And then, yeah, at the end of this tournament, we would also have a party where all 64 of the college girls were. We invited all of them every year. Wow. But you had to get there yourself. Yeah. And we didn't put anybody up. We didn't.

It was just like, you can come to the party if you want because you were in the contest. Which was like on a boat in the piers or something like that there was i don't know i don't think there was a boat party but i don't think that was a the hottest college girl party they were both the ones that i remember were at like clubs or hotel rooftops yeah yeah oh yeah yeah there was a hotel rooftop that one year yeah um yeah and there so so the hottest college girl came. Of course. Everybody got absolutely trashed. And I think she was like getting in a cab to go to Brooklyn.

And that was the end of the night. And then the next day we got a call from her dad. We got a call. Yeah. I don't know who got in touch with who or how but they nobody knew where she was yeah um and i showed up late i was insanely hungover i feel like everyone was just sort of like after a war laying around the office as though like yeah just been wounded but it was just hangovers yeah And it's not like we were necessarily responsible for, well, maybe we put her up at a hotel or something.

Right. Then it becomes getting like scary legalese, like who is responsible for getting this person to where they need to be. Yeah, you had her at a party and you just let her get in the cab. I think also like Brooklyn wasn't really that scary, but maybe it was like 2007. So it's like it could sound kind of like,

where she just went to a random place in Brooklyn. Where did she go? For someone from like Idaho, that might be a scary thing. And I remember specifically that I had to go home to Connecticut that day because my little cousin was graduating high school. I can't deal with this right now. I can't miss my cousin's high school graduation. I need to be there as her cousin. What if she walks down the fucking aisle and then she looks up and sees her whole family, but one of her cousins isn't there?

Do you remember anything about that day? I remember it being kind of scary because we were like, do we call the police and say this 22-year-old is missing? Is that even a thing? Do 22-year year olds go missing? Or like once you're an adult, you're not missing. Yeah. You're just like an adult.

Off the grid. Like I can go camping and no one's going to say they're missing. Right. Yeah. I think her dad like had called the college humor front desk. Like now nobody could call a head gum front desk. You don't really have that. Yeah.

There was a receptionist. There was a receptionist. It might've been Murph. Yeah. Yeah. Called. Didn't know where a receptionist. There was a receptionist. It might have been Murph. Yeah. Yeah, called. Didn't know where his daughter was. Right. And we're like, well, who's gonna talk to him?

We're all 24 as well. I help people crop their photos, sir. You should really talk to Streeter. He's the editor-in-chief. Well, you should really talk to Jay Money. He's the sales guy that puts the contest on. Yeah, you should talk to the guy. He's the editor-in-chief. Editor-in-chief. He's like, well, you should really talk to Jay Money. He's the sales guy that puts the contest on. Yeah.

You should talk to the guy at Axe who gave us $250,000 to make this a contest for everybody. Yeah. And I don't think we ever, I mean, well, she resurfaced. I think her phone had died or something. So it all turned out okay. Yeah. And then we made that into an episode of the College Humor Show. That's right. It was based on a true story. Yeah. And then we made that into an episode of the College Humor Show. That's right. It was based on a true

story. Yeah. Starring Ariana Maddox, who might have been in the contest, or at the very least was one of the cute college girls of the week, which was another segment of the site that I was in charge of. I can't believe the craziest part is we're bringing that back to HeadGum.

Right. Cute college girl of the week. It's crazy. So it's podcasts, and then also the front page of HeadGum will feature the cute college girl of the week until we get sued. It is funny how perfect that worked out, though, for me and college humor. Can you imagine anyone else on editorial who would have been as horny as I was and good at it? Like, if it had gone to Jeff Rubin. Maybe as good at it, but nowhere as horny.

There's no way. Imagine Castles being in charge of it. That would last a second. He's not horny enough. No, he's not horny enough. Did you hook up with any of the hottest college girls ever? Come on. What?

That's uncouth. I'm curious. It's uncouth. Let's not go there. There were 64. It must have been three or four years. Of the 248. Let's not.

Let's not. You must have smooched at least one of them holy shit i'd really hate to i'd really hate to i'm pulling it up right now show me what round she lost in that because that's the big question was she a sweet 16 was she a 16 seed or no did you have to seed them i don't think that. Well, no, I think we did seed them. That would be kind of extra fucked up, right? Yeah. No, I mean, we determined the draw.

I don't know if we did it based on like this girl is actually the hottest and this one's not. I think it was like because everyone was in charge of submitting their own pictures. So if somebody had like 16 pictures, they were well cropped. They were well lit. They're like, okay, well this person's going to go further than like somebody who sent two grainy pictures

or whatever. And it's like, you know, flip phones back then. The photos were of varying degrees. But I do, I do think that we, we seeded them in some sense for sure.

Yeah. To try to get the. Behind the scenes seeds, behind the seeds. And then did you also have to give them bios and like question and answer? Yeah, I think they had interviews. Clever answers to the questions or something. Yeah, yeah.

I think we had them fill out – I think we had them fill out questionnaires or interviews. I definitely chatted with all of them on AIM. Really? Yeah, dude. Wow. That's why it was so epic. I had literally all of them on AIM. Really? Yeah, dude. Wow. That's why it was so epic. I had literally all of their AOL handles. I had the screen names.

And you would just make little appointment Zoom dates before Zoom, maybe a Skype or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me help you fill out what are five things you can't live without. Yeah. If you're stranded on a desert island. The perfect job for a 21 year old. And yet still one of them went missing.

Did any of them become friends of ours or like graduate from there to like. Yeah. Crocker. Jen Crocker. Yeah.

Ariana. I don't know if she was a college girl or in the main contest but her. Yeah. I think there's a couple of people that I'm still in touch with that are from that contest, actually.

Jill, right? Yeah, Jill. Jill was a finalist in 2006, I want to say. Well, she went missing, yeah. That's how you met slash found her. Yes, we found each other. All right, that's a good college humor story. Yeah. If anybody else has any other. All right, that's a good college humor story. Yeah.

If anybody else has any other things they want us to zero in on, they should let us know. Because I think that the oral history, if we can really fixate on one point. Yeah. That's really good. That way somebody can transcribe this and turn this into a book later. Exactly. All right, we're back. Yeah.

This is a game submitted to us by Trash Class Hero. Love it. They just said fake laugh until real laugh. So we instituted a couple rules and regulations. So I'm going to fake laugh until Jake laughs. Okay. He's going to try to last long. Right.

And he who last laughs, laughs last. Exactly. Does that make sense? Yeah. So you want to last, last. I want to last laughs last. Exactly. Does that make sense? Yeah. So you want to last, last. I want to last, last. Yeah. You're going to try to not laugh, basically, as I laugh.

Okay. And if you start laughing, that'll be your time. Great. And I'll try to last, last longer than that laugh last lasted. So I'm going to start a stopwatch. It's not going to work. Yeah. What's that?

You're notoriously bad at this. You'll laugh very quickly. Yeah. But I have dad reflexes now. Correct. So I'm going to hit start and start laughing and then you try not to laugh. Yeah. Okay. Ready? Three, two, one, start. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha All right. 45.87. That was pretty good. You lasted a lot longer than I thought you 45.87. That was pretty good. You lasted a lot longer than I thought you would. Yeah. Started to get a little lightheaded towards the end.

Were you thinking of sad things or any strategies? I was thinking of hot things. That's a really cool strategy. I did notice you came a little bit. Yeah. So you did not laugh. I'm fully erect. I am coming.

You had a day admission. I only laugh because I laugh when I nut. I only laugh because I laugh when I nut. All right. Score to beat is 45-87. All right. Ready? Yeah.

Three, two, one. Go. Wow. You laughed. I didn't laugh. What are you talking about? You did laugh. That's a laugh.

I was trying to hide it. I didn't break. All right, let's start over. Ready? Yeah. Go. Go. You're screaming. Are you going to say you're not laughing?

All right, fine. I'll stop. But you're cheating. That's not a laugh. Me! All right, one more round, but you don't have, I won't have to laugh. I can make any noise. Okay.

Kind of like treating you like a little baby. Yeah. Okay. We'll see if I can beat 18 seconds. Ready? Mm-hmm. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ah! We'll see if I can beat 18 seconds. Ready? Mm-hmm. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh. Oh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Zing. Zing. Ooh, 24. I could have kept going. I just looked over. I knew that you didn't beat my time. The trick is to think of something really hot. So that way when I'm making crazy noises, it only adds to the experience.

All right. Let's see. You can laugh. You can do any noise you want. I'll try to be 24-33. Ready? Mm-hmm. Resetting and starting.

Wow. Silence. You're laughing. This is... Silence. You're laughing. You're laughing. You laugh too. I think we learned a lot. All it takes is for me to crack my cell phone.

Because it's funny knowing you're thinking of hot things and then you break, much like a baby crying, wailing, screaming out of nothing. Exactly. Does it ever go from zero to 60 like that with a nine-month-old? Like she's fine and then, or is it like a slow buildup?

It's a slow buildup. Yeah, she's like, all right, I'm doing something that's pissing her off. She doesn't want to do this, but it's something that has to happen. And then it's kind of like a tea kettle. We're trying to give her Motrin the other day because she's teething.

She's like, by the way, she's so dexterous. I had the little syringe. I bring it towards her mouth. She grabs it and then starts sucking on the other side. I'm like, whoa. All right. She sticks it in your arm. You're fast and strong.

I'm cool. I'm cool, man. I was like, all right. You got me. I'm doing this again. And I knew to expect it. And I was coming in. And she did the exact same thing.

She blocked it. Grabbed it, spun. Took it in her mouth. Like the Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan thing with the gun. Yeah, the gun. It's like squirted the motion at you. So strong. So strong, fast.

And she's like so deceptively fast because she's just like this, but then we'll just be like. Who taught you how to administer liquid motrin? And who taught her? I don't know. YouTube maybe? Yeah, YouTube. It's a squirt into like the cheek so that they have to suck it down. Yeah, maybe she read a book. I don't know. YouTube maybe? Yeah, YouTube. It's a squirt into the cheek so that they have to suck it down?

Yeah, maybe she read a book. I don't know. She just kind of seems to also intuitively know everything. And does she ever take the liquid medicine and just spit it out? She spits out a lot of it, yeah. But I think that's why they have you give. In a very specific dose. Yeah, you give probably more than they need.

Because they know that a lot of it will spill out. Spill out, yeah. I guess you can't give pills to kids. It's not like a dog situation where you hide it in their mashed yams. Yeah, no. Although, maybe. I don't know. Maybe.

But yeah, the syringe is definitely more precise, though she was faster than me. But yeah, she was unhappy that it was happening, but I had to keep on going. Then by the end of it, she's just fully crying. I wonder why adults don't do that. If I have to take a Tylenol, why do I have to take two pills? I can just grab a Syringa. You probably could. I think it would be a lot less pleasant.

That's why I put all of my medicine into Jell-O shots. And then what do you do? You just put the pills in there and you... A little tequila. So you take your rheumatoid tequila. Yeah. So you take your rheumatoid arthritis energy. Exactly. All right.

I think we learned a lot today. Yeah. We created a movie from scratch. No problem. Kind of the hardest thing to do. Yeah. We played Hot Hands and I think I won. Definitely close.

We learned about the college humor, hottest college girl party part two. And then we... We guffawed. We made each other laugh making silly noises. Yeah. Which is fun too. Really ran the gamut, the show.

It's different energy when we're in the room together. We can hit each other. We can yell at each other. We can scream, make each other laugh and do stuff like that. It's fun, isn't it? Yeah. You should move to New York. Well, you're in LA now.

Yeah, but I'm going to get back. You should move to LA and I'll move to New York. I love that. We could switch. Yeah. For more segment ideas, leave them in the comment section of this YouTube video. Oh, great idea. That way we can just read them right then and there.

Yeah. I mean, if Trash Class Hero can come up with one, certainly you can't do. Come on. And for more of us, you can watch us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. Yeah. Getting through every Jake and Amir, re-watching them, sometimes writing some. You just watched Fired. Excellent stuff.

It's a party. Yeah. And you're invited. That's right. And thank you for listening. Thank you for watching. We'll be back next week. Bye.

That was a Hiddem Original.