Segments - 160: Memory

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

In this episode we discuss Instagram, marijuana, and obviously Matt Damon. This episode is brought to you by BollAndBranch.com and CreditKarma.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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on the best and get some good rest thanks so much for supporting our sponsors, you guys. You make us look good, so we appreciate it. Let's start this episode. Things got so fucking real in this one. It was kind of cool to witness. To be there for it with you was eye-opening. Of us. Of us together with them to you with us for me. For that.

Was wow. When now. Here we go. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support

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Yeah, they may make fun of you at times, but it's better than breaking laws and doing crap. Sure, they give you public shame. Maybe put you on blast for being lame. But it's all fun and games. Just think about the fame and plus sometimes you gotta look up, feel good. That's it, dude. Pick your email and you're not in jail.

So take your advice, slap it off, and have fun. Remember the best podcast show is if I were you, so you know what to do. Best show ever. Yeah. Do you think that sounded like me? No. Really?

I thought it sounded like me if I rapped. Let me play three seconds of it right now. And you're not in jail, so take your advice. Slap it off and have fun. And you're not in jail, so take your advice. Are off and you're not in jail so take your advice yeah are you justin gonzalez i am justin gonzalez gonzalez gonzalez are you did you sample a beat from youtube called new school banger party beat hip-hop rap free instrumental 2015 mine was 2014

so that couldn't beat me but i am justin gcalves, and I did sample a free beat from YouTube. What was it called again? Upbeat Party Kid 2015. So the one thing that you said was different, you said the incorrect way. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Free Instrumental. New School Party Beat Hip Hop Free Instrumental. New School Party Beat Hip Hop Free Instrumental? That was twice I gave it to you. Three times.

Ready? Okay. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. That's the third time. There's no way. Just start. New School Banger Hip Hop. No, no.

Wrong. Ready? I'm going to go to you a fourth time all right new school banger party beat hip-hop rap free instrumental 2015 new school banger party yes beat yes hip hop Hop. Yes. Style. No. Is that the third or fourth time? The fourth.

All right, so this is the fifth? I already forgot the first four. New school banger, party beat, hip hop rap, free instrumental, 2015. New school beat. No. That's right. New school hip hop bangerhop banger new school banger hip-hop now i'm gonna say party beat hip-hop oh my god here it is for a sixth time okay new school banger party beat hip-hop rap free instrumental 2015 new school banger party beat hip-hop that's correct so far

party beat freestyle no that's not even a word in it sixth seventh time maybe new school banger party beat New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. New School Banger. You got that, Mark. New School Banger. You got New School Banger. New School Banger. Killed it.

Just don't even listen to that. Party Beat. Yes. Five out of ten down. Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. Yes. free instrumental 2015 yes let's hear it one more time never i used to be an actor i used to be able i used to be good at memorizing i think if i looked at it once if i read it i could have said it back right away yeah i always when i grew up when i was growing up i had a really good memory like i would always like i memorized the presidents i was growing up i had a really good memory like i

would always like i memorized the presidents and like i would like memorize the states and the capitals and my dad always said i had the best memory now i feel like my memory is going away and when we do uh sketches skits you memorize the lines better than i do do you get that sensation too or is it just you always think the other person is memorizing it better? No, I usually like, I take a little bit of pride in being able to, but I mean, it doesn't, it's such a unique skillset because it's basically good for our videos. Yeah. I'm good at remembering three pages of dialogue and then forgetting them forever. Like when people say, Hey, like when people start like doing lines with me right now, like from our old videos, I can't even remember. I can't remember titles of most of the but when we were doing when we were shooting them

you usually knew the lines better than i did i guess but that's like that's because i'm i'm good at like reading and remembering like for auditions it takes me a while to memorize the lines i guess you do it quickly auditions i i don't know if i memorize the lines very quickly because i'm nervous in auditions well i mean just like even just preparing for them. I feel like you memorize, like you read it a couple times. You're like, I basically know it. Right. But maybe like my short-term memory is better because you still know the president's songs. Right. Well, it wasn't a song, but yeah, I did know the president's. Oh, sorry. It's the capitals one that's a song, right? Oh, yeah. There is a song. That's it?

Yeah. Albuquerque. Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Columbus is the capital of Ohio. There's Montgomery, Alabama. I'm already repeating. Animaniacs taught me everything. Do you think you can say that YouTube video again?

I couldn't even say the first word. Really? And you always had the first three i think it was no i genuinely don't know this is why i was bad at school i have no idea what the first word was you have like good medium term memory but not you like set you can you can hold food in your mouth and spit it out i'm not good at listening to people, maybe. Because like, what was I? It's New School. Oh, is it New School? Yeah. New School.

Hold on. New School Banger. Yeah. Hip hop rap party beat free music 2015. Close. New School Banger party beat hip-hop rap free instrumental 2015 all right it's close either way thanks justin gonzalez we're out of time for uh writing that this is the fourth theme song he's made for us wow he wanted us to thank his uh not only himself but his uh

his youtube channel sketch films for life films with a Films with a Z, four with a four, and life with a life. Wow. I wonder how many people go to that. I just casually mentioned Sketch Films for Life, and I spelled it like that. I'd guess between zero and two. You think two people will? Maybe not now that we're talking about it. Yeah, more now.

More now that we're mentioning it. This is like the art of persuasion. If we casually mention something, zero people go to it. But the more convincing we are, the more people go right just like our ads we can make our ads worse but i wonder if we can make them better if we really really have well we could make the ads better but the show would be worse well i mean like there's a way let's say we spent two minutes at the top promoting a product there's a if we do that a million times there's one that will get the most people to sign up but i wonder how that how the one that we actually use

stacks up against those other million yeah we'll never know that's the beauty of having only one dimension to live in you think when matt damon eats spaghetti he'll like hunch over his plate and put a lot of noodles in his mouth and he's afraid to slurp it up because when he does it like splatters all over his shirt so he'll like push the spaghetti into the bottom of his top teeth to like sort of cut it off like a guillotine with his tongue and then like the spaghetti drops but some haven't severed yet so he has like a bunch of noodles fall back onto the plate and then like a bunch of noodles fall back onto the plate and then like a bunch of noodles that are still coiled onto the plate and then he ends up does he does

slurp it up and then like the ones that fall down the ones that fall sort of splat the sauce onto yeah do you think he's ever gotten sauce onto his shirt do you think matt damons by the way no do you think matt damons ever had to take a left and just gave up. And he took a right and then a left and he turned around in a parking lot. What do you mean? Oh. And like, so he's like, I need to take a left. And you're like, oh, fuck this. And then he goes right, gets over to the left lane.

He takes a left. He gets over to the left lane. He takes a left into a parking lot, does a loop, and then takes a right out of the parking lot. Oh, like he wasn't able to switch over in time yeah like he couldn't well he couldn't take a left so he's like fuck i have to i gotta turn right yeah turn left to go yeah yeah no you think he's ever parked parallel parked and then gotten out and looked to see if he was too much in the red yeah yeah he's like uh i don't know my tires are not in it but and then like turn to somebody in his car

like oh even a passerby like hey what do you think do you think this is fine is this and they're like i wouldn't risk it yeah matt damon right and he was like yeah you're right or what about straightening out like he got into a parking spot at a parking mall a parking lot and he's like a little bit over the line he's like uh i guess i can straighten out i'm sure it's fine actually maybe i will straighten out. Yeah, yeah. And then he like sort of knocks mirrors with somebody and it's not a lot of damage,

but he just like feels like an idiot. Has he ever parked too close to a wall? And then he's like, I'll still get out. Has he ever just like chest against a wall as he shuts the door? I can actually get out. I can get out. And then he like pushes the wall,

pushes his door against the wall. And he's like sort of sideways. And then he drops his phone, but he can't bend down to get out. I can get out. And then he like pushes the wall, pushes his door against the wall. And he's like sort of sideways. And then he drops his phone, but he can't bend down to get it. So he has to shamefully sort of kick it along the side of his car until he gets to a place where he can bend over. I don't think he's ever done that. No.

Do you think he's ever dropped his chapstick while driving and then like gets to a place in the car where he can't reach it? So like he's sort of reaching down, but like he can't get, he can't grab it until he has to park and get out this i i have to i have to just get a new chapstick yeah he buys a new chapstick and then he realizes like oh i just can adjust the seat yeah and there it is easy and then he has to walk around with two chapsticks yeah and there's like a couple pennies down where the chapstick was right and he's like i guess i'll pick these up too right but what does he do with change what does matt damon do with change at all yeah like if something costs ten dollars and two cents we've talked about matt

damon and change yeah what is it we don't know what does he give i wanted i want i do want to know i want to know what he eats for lunch i want to know what he does with his change yeah and i want to know if he's ever carried more than one chapstick in a pocket. Those are my top three things I'd like to know. So when we get to interview Matt Damon on the show, remember those questions. But what is this show? It's actually an advice podcast. You had me fooled.

It's called If I Were You. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. And with good reason. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us and with good reason i'm amir i'm jake and people will email us their difficult uh quandaries questions they're concerned about life and they're seeking our guidance so they'll email if i were you show at gmail.com we get hundreds of emails a day we can't respond to everyone but we do try to read them all we're not doing a very good job but here are uh three to four questions that we did find and enjoy.

Let's give this first guy a fake name just to preserve his anonymity. Of course. Do you have a name for this first emailer? Jason Bourne. I think we did that the last time we talked about Matt Damon. Is that true?

Oh, wow. See, this is a problem. See, that's your memory. Will Hunting. That's good all right will hunting writes hey jake g and amish my name is will hunting and i'm 18 years old living in sweden recently i got high for the first time ever i tried smoking weed. I went with two good friends who already smoke, and they tricked me into getting so high. I mean, first time smoking and I smoked a whole joint, three for five minutes, and headbanging to music is beginning to spread at my school. How do I convince everyone that I'm not a fucking loser stoner and I just like to smoke sometimes? Two, my mom is starting to suspect something since I got home stoned the other day, and she was home when I did not expect it. She commented on me looking exhausted and having very large pupils. How do I convince my mom that I don't smoke, if that's what she's suspecting?

Thanks. Love, Will Hunting. The first thing you do is you say, Mom, look, I know what you're thinking, and I'm not high, nor was I ever. It's funny. It's like, how do I convince all the kids at school that I'm not a stoner? I just smoke sometimes. Also, how do I convince my mom I don't smoke sometimes i smoke never he's always just trying to move one one notch below what he actually is right uh when a video about you at school is spreading circulating you can't

get mad because that just fucking feeds into the fire the It fuels the flame. People smell weakness. We never had to deal with, though. Yeah, viral videos. Videos taken up. I did so much. I guess there was videos, but it wasn't like you could. It wouldn't be on everybody's phones. There was a video.

It was maybe on someone's computer. It was on a VHS. Right. Yeah. It's such a new thing. Even dealing with cell phones in high school i don't think we had cell phones when i was in high school i we did at the end of my high school yeah i just like we had to do like my middle school now it's like i can take a video and

share it to an entire class during class and everyone will get it in between classes yeah we man we should talk to a teacher that's been a teacher for like 40 years. Oh, wow. What the fuck has happened in your life? Yeah. What were the biggest problems in 1982 versus right now? Oh, my God. Like, how did you get kids to focus in the early 80s versus like in 2015 when they're constantly on their phones? And I wonder if it got better or worse. Could you imagine if like, oh, actually, kids in the 80s were the worst.

They were huge pieces of shit. They didn't have phones, so they hit each other with slingshots and did heroin. So this guy's problem is that, oh, it is kind of a funny video to have him sitting in a bush eating donuts for five minutes and headbanging to music. It sounds like you were very, very high. But there's nothing wrong with being really high. Like, that's another kind of weird thing like i guess i would be a little embarrassed if there was a video of me being super drunk but like you're i was doing such stupid shit like yes you were on drugs yeah that's the coolest thing that's the normal like that's what happens when you do the

drugs right yeah it's kind of i guess it's mostly it's like not fair of his friends to take a video of like, you get high and then you're like, okay, oh, he's gonna act like an idiot. Yeah. Of course. That's the point. You drink and you do drugs and you act dumb and it's communal for everybody doing them.

It's not like for some kind of weird public forum. And luckily he was being safe. It didn't seem like he was doing anything that was endangering anybody else. He was just sitting in a bush eating donuts for five minutes, listening to music. Yeah, weed is great for that reason. This is proof that he's cool. It's foolproof, cool proof.

You're, yeah, wow, you're shaking. Do you think Matt matt damon ever like when people say two words that uh like can be combined like i'll say like uh uh teacher chariot everyone said we'll say t chariot a t chariot or like uh um what's another example of that are you trying i feel like you're maybe thinking of the first example because teacher and chariot was a real stretch uh oh god it's weird because we do this all the time but i'm drawing a blank too i commend you for saying teacher and chariot what's what's a word that can be like two words that can be pushed together into one um edit this to make it sound like we thought of it right away surla table table chicago bull no

table a table bull a capable if i just uh if i just talk for long enough you'll find something yeah yeah um how about shoe oh yeah shoe uh a shoot oh no and i think it has to be multiple Shoe. Oh, yeah. Shoe. A shoe. Oh, no. I think it has to be multiple syllables. Okay. Raven. Raven. Raven. Raven nest.

And that was on my mind. Bottle. Bottle. Now if I can't come up with it, it was a real waste of time. The longer I wait without an end result, the more waste of time it is. I'm trying to think of the actual word like word like that that i use yeah staircase staircase oh let's all be like do you think anyone's ever said i'm gonna sit on the staircase and have a quesadilla you think he's ever said staircase-a-dio right after it? Really good. Really good.

I think he has, but it was instantaneous. He didn't have to think about it. That being said, I am going to have a staircase-a-dio right now. Do you think Damon's ever caught himself in a situation like that, where he can't think of an example of something that he just said that should be really, really easy? Yeah, has Damon ever started a sentence and said oh shit i'm sorry i completely lost my train of thought no because he's laser focused yeah he wants two things great films and water access to water i was yeah i was gonna say the same thing absolutely access water water

for everyone and he cares about his family he cares about family film water exercise probably yeah i bet he's fit yeah and he cares about uh humanity that's with the water thing so he cares about three things fitness which is water yeah all right wait he cares about his family he cares about his friends he cares cares about film. And then above all. Yeah. You think he has any humanity t-shirts? Do you think he owns anything by Hanes? Do you think he has like sort of loose,

loose plastic band Hanes underwear? Does he wear mesh shorts ever? Like when he plays basketball, does he wear like old mesh shorts? That are too baggy, but he tied them really tight but he tied them really tight a long time ago so the knot is so and he like put it through the wash the knot yeah is one of the knots that'll never come undone yeah or does

does he have a drawstring sweatpants but like the drawstring he shoved one side too long and now the other side is like somewhere in the middle so they're not out both coming out of the holes what are the little um like the the plastic ends of shoelaces? Oh, anglets or something? It's not eyelets. Eyelets are like the shoelace ends. Anglet, shoelace. I thought eyelets were in the shoe.

Shoelace ends. Name. Shoelace ends name. Aglets. Aglets. Do you think he has a pair of shoes at all where the plastic on the end of the aglet is just described like it's just lace no aglet or the aglet is broken yeah even a little

broken no i bet not i bet he he switches it up enough but does he do it does he go shopping around for new shoelaces where does matt damon what kind of shoes does he wear google matt damon shoes matt damon shoes matt d-a-m-o-n oh yeah you're right shoes matt damon what kind of shoes does matt damon choose um so i'm seeing a lot of like i said before leather boots that i can see him hunched over and just yanking tot pulling yanking tight uh more leather boots oh uh some slip on they appear to be cole han oh man that's a little daddy that's a little lame actually yeah i mean he's actually i mean these pictures might be old but his jeans are a little baggy. You think he's wearing skinny pants?

Oh, wow, this point, he's wearing cargo shorts and... That's from 2004, and that is not fair. Because that was the height of fashion back then. But I'm not seeing Damon rocking any, like, cool Nikes or any, like, New Balances. He's 40, he's a dad, he's not like... Cool New Balances? Yeah. It's an ox. He's not like cool new balances. Yeah. It's an oxymoron Bloomin' film. Nice, dude.

No, I like new balances. I like it. Two, how do I convince my mom that I don't smoke? Have you ever had to hide drug use from your parents? Yeah. And then how do you do it? You just deny and lie. That's really cool.

So how would that go? I'd be be like jake how are you doing today oh it's for a friend what happened i don't know what's for a friend uh i definitely got caught with weed more than once a lot and i i guess everybody's parents are different like it sounds like i think everyone has the same parents really yeah stay with me on this one no okay well wait did your you mean like your mom and your dad or my mom and dad i really think we're all cousins of each other we'd be brothers of each other exactly uh i mean my mom almost like poked fun at me the first time she thought i was high well she didn't feel like oh my god you're high you're in trouble right it was like i was like wow you were out late you look a little tired oh okay how are you how was that how was the party it was good it was good i'm gonna go to bed like okay you don't want to stay up and talk to me right it was like that because i guess when you

like when you're when you're gonna be a daddy and your kids are doing pot you're gonna know more than they do you just assume that parents don't know anything about cool stuff like drugs right well i'm not sure how much my parents actually knew about drugs but i guess they could tell if i was fucked up but i bet your parents have gotten high before. Yeah, well, I think they have. I asked my dad once, like when I was in high school, I was like, have you ever smoked marijuana? And this was after I had gotten caught with marijuana.

I was like, I'm sorry. I was like, just trying it out. It's not a big deal. A lot of my friends are doing it, but if it bothers you, I won't do it anymore. I was like trying to be more sure about it. And I was like, did you ever try marijuana? marijuana he's like i tried pot three times in college and then 80 100 times after that actually when i after our live show in new haven i saw your mom snorting a fat like caterpillar rail she yeah cocaine yeah i think she was like nose deep in like this fat bowl of blow bull crap no way

it was a line of sand yeah then she looked at me and she's like do you want to get a fucking taco you ever seen like the the school the school chalkboard like the eraser yeah at the end of the day yeah it was like that yeah like but she was like uh she was a dust buster yeah dude she was just fucking going to town don't don't talk about my mother don't you talk about my mother i'm kidding i'm obviously joking you're obviously you're obviously a joke my mother's a queen oh come on and you're being mean cool rhyme my mother's a queen and you're being mean uh no i saw her doing much harder drugs than cocaine

after that show all right uh so deny and lie i guess yeah you if you you can't convince your mom you could just say oh i didn't smoke and hope to god she doesn't actually know that you did yeah what would you do you never got you never smoked weed when you were in high school no your parents did Your brothers? I don't think so. Did they ever have to deal with disciplining you guys? I don't know. Maybe my older...

When my older brother was in high school, I was 11, so maybe shit was going on that I didn't know about. But I didn't drink or smoke or anything like that. Wow. So I'd get in trouble if I got a B plus in calc or anything like that wow so i'd be like i'd get in trouble like if i got like a b plus in calc or something like that my dad would like put down a wrench and a belt in front of me and made me choose and you know what i choose the belt now i sprinted away from him because fuck him that's why he can't fucking chase after me he did actually he ended up finding me i was so tired wow i got

to the end of the block and i was gassed he tripped on himself wrench went into his head because fuck him that's why i feel like if i have kids one day and they are like you and they just like don't smoke or drink i will be like this is the craziest something's wrong with this model i think i have to return wow thank you for just being like a good kid would you would you rather have a good kid like that a goody two-shoes or a cool kid i don't know i don't think i'd rather i just want to have like a nice kid yeah whether he does drugs or not yeah regardless of what his grades are you want it to be nice i think he just has to be or she has to what his grades are, you want it to be nice. I think he just has to be, or she has to be like,

they just want, you wanted them to be a good guy. You know, you're getting a dude. I fucking needed to hear that tonight. I was getting low on my shit. I was getting low on myself, man.

I was like, I know I'm going to have a fucking daughter. No, you can't think like that. I'm serious, dude. You can't think like that. That daughter shit.

I want a son. I think you will. I want a son a son man i gotta have a little little son a little little fucking son running around hey hey dylan hey jordan hey cameron those are those are three names you can name your daughter but like i get where you're coming from i know yeah i'll call a little a little angel no that's a nickname for a motherfucker because his name is John. And then what do you want your son to do? My son? My son John?

Or Ashley? I might call him Little Ashley. Ashley is so few now. Ashley, it's a male name too. Ashley, Lauren. I could call him Ashley. Oh, Lauren Ashley. Oh, my masculine little boy.

It's a betting company. And then what do you want to do with your son, Lauren, Ashley? Daisy? It's another nickname, motherfucker. I think you do want a daughter. I want a son. I deserve a son. You have three sons.

You don't talk to them. You need one more son. You've already had three. If you had three kids, I think think you gotta go all one gender because then you'd be like oh me and the boys are doing this or me or do you see the picture of me and the girls what do you say when you have like a son a son and then a daughter yeah i don't know it's like oh me and the boy and the fuck we had that i want a mix you know i guess do people just generally want what they what they knew growing up oh like I want three boys because I had three boys.

Do you want all, if you have kids, do you want them all to be boys? That's a good question. I feel like if I had to choose, and I can say this now since I'm not in a relationship, so like there's no like, you know, I'm not trying to placate anyone. I think I'd prefer to have boys because I know them better. But you have nieces. Yeah, I have nieces. But I feel like once they turn teenagers, they're going to have a whole world of problems better but you have nieces yeah i have nieces but i feel

like once they turn teenagers they're gonna have a whole world of problems i don't know anything about right so like boys i'm like oh i can i can relate to them on a certain level interesting because you went through the changes as a male right now granted if i have girls i will disown of my sentence oh um it was a joke yeah yeah yeah it was a it was a kid that's why i call it kidding when you joke about your children uh would you rather have boys or girls let me guess you don't care i do care i want a mix a single mix one kid who's both i want uh two i want to i would like two and two i think a nice little number would be to have two and two four kids do you know anybody with two boys two girls uh that's like a pretty quintessential all-american that's like two-thirds of the way to a Brady Bunch. Yeah.

No, I don't know. I don't think so. I probably do, and I'm just forgetting. That's awesome, man. Thanks, dude. I really do appreciate you thinking about that like that. Even though you couldn't come up with one, the fact that you think that you do, that's really cool. Yeah. Staircase-a-dea.

Yeah. Staircase-a-dea. All right. Let's take a break. Let's thank one sponsor, and then we'll be back. We've only answered one question. I know, but we're at the 30-'s thank one sponsor and then we'll be back we've only answered one question i know but we're at the 30 something minute mark bro we'll be back thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game

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Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's

when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself

or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase

of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code

SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Hi, fuckers. Hey, you little shit. I've been pretty sick recently um why'd you make me do the bit with you just joking uh we're going to canada montreal in july and then oh shit toronto do you have

all the information about what where the shows With shows. And what we're doing there. With swans. We're going to Canada. We're going to Canada. I want a son. I want a son, Bloomingfield. And we're going to Canada. We have a podcast in Canada that might be sold out, but we're doing other shows as part of the Just for Laughs comedy festival. It also might not be sold out.

Okay. Check it out. It might not be sold out. We're hosting comedy shows as well. So if the podcast itself is sold out. There's a URL. There's a URL, but I believe it is sold out. Does it say sold out?

I went there today and it said tickets available. Let me check. Because by the time this comes out. See, this is the kind of stuff we should have done before we talked on the show uh yeah it says sold out the podcast is sold out the podcast is sold out let me tell you let me tell you what though because i got a little bit of uh inside info i got an insider tip because i talked to our agent i talked to the mayor of Montreal. Shout out Andrew. Oh, okay. Right. Sure.

So I called him because our show was originally on Tuesday. It was moved to Saturday. This means nothing for the people that aren't in Montreal. Right. Even the people that are in Montreal, only for those that already have tickets. Sure. Anyway, he said the people, the show that was moved from Tuesday to Saturday, they just took everybody's tickets and are honoring them on Saturday. But he said they hold off room in the theater and not only seats, but standing room only, too.

Whoa. So it sounds like there's a decent amount of space for people that have festival passes. And I would say that a festival pass is a good investment because Neil Patrick Harris and Dave Chappelle are both going to be doing shows that week. Ever heard of them? And we're also hosting, as you're about to say, we're hosting at least four other shows. Yes. Just not if I were you podcast, but hosting roles that you'll be able to come to if you have said pass. I mean, the whole comedy festival is so funny there's

so many like different types of shows we went to like that new characters show last year yeah just people doing characters by themselves on stage just like we were cracking up so hard uh there's also like straight up stand-up shows that some of which we are hosting uh on thursday and friday we're hosting two shows every day did you know that no thursday at 7 30 thursday at 9 45 then friday at 7 30 and friday at 9 45 tickets still available for those shows of course if you have your pass you can uh just go to every single show you want for the whole weekend which we highly recommend also if you're a comedy fan they're just every comedian you can imagine it's like a camp we just walk around seeing comedians that you like.

I don't even like it. Yeah, it's amazing. It's kind of like a high school reunion of sorts. Like comedians that we knew from New York will be there. Comedians that we don't necessarily see in LA will be there. Last year, I was texting people before just being like, hey, are you going to be there? Are you going to be in Montreal?

And you just don't even have to. Everyone is there. We're all there. So come to Montreal. And there's a Just for Laughs in Toronto. Toronto. The T-Dot. The six.

Yeah, but we're going to kind of waste it all for Montreal. You know what I mean? No, I mean the Toronto one's in not until October. Oh, all right. Because we'll be back. We'll be ready to go. Toronto, our most popular city on Facebook. We have more fans in Toronto than any other city in the world.

Really? Yeah. Wow. So that show should be fun too. A podcast on one night and then a regular comedy show on the other. You can just search our names, Jake and Amir, and Toronto, and the information should come up. Our first podcast ever in Toronto.

Are those tickets not sold out yet? I don't think they are yet. Then how are they going to call us? That's going to be the most popular city? I don't think so. Well, we haven are they going to call us? That's going to be the most popular city? I don't think so. Well, we haven't even promoted the show yet. All right. Well, next time, I better not have to promote this show twice.

I'll tell you what. Yeah. Those are our upcoming dates. We're also shooting our pilot this summer. No real information on that yet, but we want to keep you guys posted. We'd like to say gracias and toad up for the hashtag Greenlight Jake and Amir campaign. It worked to the point where we're starting to hire people to be on the show. Yeah, we've hired human beings like a casting director and a line producer.

Somebody is currently working. A working professional is creating a budget for a TV show. Yeah, pretty fun. Yeah, so it's like real grownup comedy stuff. So thanks for that whole Twitter campaign because I guess it worked. Here we are. Somebody, you,

you have, you have at least employed two people because of that. Two people have a job. Thanks to you. So you can take the rest of the week off guys. I know it's Monday morning, but you've earned it. We'll have a premiere party.

Don't worry. We'll call it a six, a six day weekend. All right. Do'll call it a six-day weekend. All right, do you want to get to one last question? Sure. Since we're here. Sure, yeah, the mics are out. The mics are out and all that.

All right, let's get a girl's name. Oh, didn't we already look if Matt Damon ever dressed up as a woman for a role? Yeah, and we'd said no, but somebody was tweeting at me that he does kind of do drag-ish type stuff in Behind the Candelabra, the Liberace story. Oh, okay. He plays Liberace's boyfriend. What's his name in that movie? I don't know. Let's call him Liberace then well it's a female let's

call her what's matt damon's wife's name matt damon's wife or what's uh the girl's name in goodwill hunting that's not that who does mini driver play i have his wife's name oh great luciana barroso all right luciana she's actually pretty busted she's just like this random uggo that he must have picked up at like a college party and i think you have to understand if you're matt damon you're like oh nobody's on my level like the human race is sort of just an alien to you yeah well i'm actually joking she is very beautiful really yeah you know what i heard and look even they have they have four kids it looks like is it two boys two girls it looks like it might be four girls matt damon they have three daughters together wow that's a that's a beautiful beautiful family the damons hi my name is isabella damon my dad i think you know him matt damon yeah

definitely he's in your favorite movie so yeah because goodwill hunting's the best one there ever was so i don't think you don't have the rebecca american girl doll now i think you actually do have the doll so you could have daughters that's true nieces is sort of a crash course if you have two nieces you can have one daughter you can trade them in all right i already forgot her name too many tabs too many tabs luciana right hey guys huge fan of the show i'm just going to get straight into this because it requires immediate attention so basically i came up with this really witty Instagram bio, which took me a while to think of and which I'm very proud of. It's been there for a while, but yesterday I got a text from one of my more bitchy and annoying friends

who is most of the time really fun but can be a huge pain in the anus. Penis? There it is. That's it. Live. That was Damon asking. Who could be a huge pain in the anus asking if she can change her Instagram bio to mine. This was her text.

Just wanted to ask before I did it, but can I change my bio to yours? I know it's like yours, but I think it's a good one. Kissy face, kissy face, laughing face emoji, thumbs up emoji. So yeah, this friend will most likely gossip behind my back if I say no, and take all the credit if I say yes. We are also not incredibly close, just average friends. So here's my question. should i let her change her bio to mine and if not how do i tell her and finally is it really worth all this worry i'm an overthinker much love luciano luciana luciano you are an overthinker i'll give you that what if someone wanted to change their instagram bio to yours what What's your Instagram bio?

Enthusiast. So what if I was like, I'm going to change my Instagram bio to enthusiast. Like, fine. It wouldn't bother you. No. Are you an overthinker, though? Probably not. I think you should. You could definitely look at this imitation is the sincerest form form of flat form of okay has damon ever stuttered imitation is the

sincerest form of flattery i like her that text is like i know it's like yours but i think it's a good one no it's not like yours i want to straight up steal it yeah i want it to be mine probably can wreck it i mean i want to know what the bio is that's so good yeah also like this girl changing her bio it's not gonna make her a celebrity she's not gonna leave you it's that good your name's gonna be in a marquee somewhere a spinning newspaper remember the video we made where i came up with a screen name oh yeah i loved it so much that i thought people would lift me up on their arms and then that does happen in the end oh yeah and then you steal it and it happens to you yeah

like i thought of a really chill screen name and i'm like what is it you say chill i say i do remember chill dude 22 it's pretty chill it's actually really chill and then you make it yours and ever that's the it's basically the joke is that like we all we put your name on a marquee yeah like you snooze you lose what did i say oh yeah but all's fair in love and chill yeah and then you and then you get hoisted up on someone's shoulders and they're chanting it and then you kick me in the head and i wake up and it was all a dream right it was a fantasy a fantasy sequence so maybe this girl's living in a fantasy world. Right, where her Instagram bio is universally adored. And if it's stolen, everyone will think

that this other girl came up with an amazing Instagram bio, but it's actually just, you know, not that big of a deal. This is what I would do. I would say, yeah, you can change, you can have it. And then I would think of a better one. But that's like the comedy writer in me. I'm always wanting to improve things, make things better, update them. But if you come up with a perfect, what's your Instagram bio? It used to be chill dude. That's good. Then I made it a link to our Australia shows, you know, link in my bio.

Oh, yeah, that's good. Now it's so I Think I Can Dance. So I Think I Can Dance. Yeah. It's not bad. It's not great. You steal that and I will end you. What was the one that I the Tinder bio that I had? Oh, my grandma just died on the man of the house.

Yeah, that's a funny Instagram bio. Actually Hey, dude. Permission to change. Not granted. Den. Hey, dude. Permission to change. Not granted. Denied. Denied. My grandma just died.

I'm the man of the house. That's such a strange thing to brag about, Big Sean. We're all sorry for your loss. It's funny if you know the song and it's even funnier if you don't. So that's what I would do. If I were you, if I were you, you know,

like the title of the show, I would just let her have it, come up with a new one. It says you've had it for a while. This girl's a pain in the anus. It's not worth it. It's not worth the problem. See if you can beat it.

Yeah. That's the, that's one of the first things you learn as a writer. You try to beat your own jokes. Exactly. So let's see if you got what it takes. Luciana. Oh, this girl's just based on her uh email address she's an australian student oh shit we should follow her on instagram you think so i think we i think we should follow the pain in the anus of a friend for she does have the newest chillest bio her bio is amazing

i'd love to know what the bio is. Can you imagine how good it is? A bio that's so good, you don't need to steal it. It's enthusiast. All right, that's it. That's our show. We'll try to answer more questions next time. Send everything to ifireshow at gmail.com.

We open and close every episode with an original theme song written by our talented fans. The first one was by Justin Goncalves. This last one is by Lisette and Allie, who I believe have written theme songs for us before. This is a Shake It Off cover. What?

That's right. A Shake It Off cover. Dope. And here's something we really need is Facebook thumbnails. Running dangerously low every time we post a podcast on Facebook, we use an original art thumbnail, ideally in a 600 by 315 resolution,

but we'll take what we can get. So if you're a visual artist, send those over as well. Everything, same email address, ifirishow at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. See you. Peace. Bye. Text me. Jakey, Jakey, Jake Jakey, Jakey, Jake

I'm here Jakey, Jakey, Jake I'm here But I keep drinking Can't stop, won't stop drinking It's like I've got this Jake in my mind Singing Jake, Jakey, Jake, Jake, Jake

Cause the Jake is Gonna Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake And the Jake is gonna Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake