Segments - 161: Honor (w/Dan Gurewitch!)

Episode Date: July 6, 2015

Friend and "Last Week Tonight" writer Dan Gurewitch joins us to discuss jealousy, office romance, and making jokes about the news. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, TrunkClub, and MeUndies! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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You probably have some problems where you don't know what to do. So you should write in right away to the show. If I were you, they may spout out something mean, some destructive cynicism. But I promise they mean well, it's just constructive criticism. Vance and the Pinch, or Josh and Amir, too many names to list them all here, but listen close, cause it's about to start If I were you, the show has captured our hearts

That was Anderson. Dan, you're a musician, professional musician. What'd you think about that theme song? I am a professional musician, yeah. You're a concert pianist. You're a concert pianist. I'm a concert pianist. I thought that was very, very good. It reminded me of my days at Carnegie

Hall. Really? Wow. High praise. I was taken back to some of my finest performances. Where you were just like ska with an acoustic guitar in Carnegie Hall. You were the dancer in Mighty Mighty Boss Tones, right? I was.

I was the lead skanker in the Boss Tones. That's what he did. Yeah. There was a guy in that band that just danced? Yeah, he would wear a suit and he would skank. He played no instruments, sang no songs. He would just dance. And that was me.

You don't have to have that part. That's for the crowd. You don't have that part in the band. It was cool. It injected a lot of energy into the performance. Yeah. They saw the way that I clutched my knee, and they said, this is the guy for us. That's like a part of a play where you just sit on the stage and you look at it.

You shouldn't get paid for that. That's not part of the play. That was Anderson Reagan, who has a band uh pictures of vernon and that's a good band name yeah pictures of vernon.bandcamp.com if you want to hear more uh dan g hello sir first time on the podcast yeah thank you for having me how would our fans know you the most uh your fans would know me from collegehumor.com where i was a writer and actor that's right often in videos with youtube youtube uh youtube videos with youtube with youtube and uh i guess that's uh that's predominantly it now what the fuck are you doing you left

college humor two years ago yeah did you even get a job man jesus christ guys you are very combative on this podcast the podcast is called did you even get a job yeah i was expecting a friendly conversation no we just double team our guests yeah we didn't even catch up when you walked in you can't you got to the door we put a mic in your face and played that song for you right yeah you uh i need me in the groin i need you in the groin i want you in the groin uh i am what am i doing now i write for last week tonight with john oliver but what else do you do like that's not a job right you're not you are not what you do like if you define yourself by your career then guess what when you don't have that job who are you what are you you're a waste of time and space all right your motivational speaker is what you are

which is good because i actually got fired from john oliver three weeks ago for not doing any work ever i just sat in my office writing my motivational speeches and they were like this isn't gonna cut it gerwich this is not what we do here of course not yet yeah uh all right we'll get in we'll get into that shit later but um do you know what this podcast is i do yeah it's well if you don't for anybody listening that doesn't it's an advice for them for our other people listening right uh this is an advice podcast so we'll answer emails that we get to if i were you show at gmail.com sometimes it's just jake and i offering our advice and sometimes we have a friend slash comedian you're a female comedian right i am i'm a female comedian

and today's comedian happens to be dan the comedian gerwich i should say i like to do like my style of comedy is like i'm like the pretty girl but i say raunchy things oh like shock yeah shock i bet you've never heard a girl talk about it this way shock and oh that's good so you're sort of a modern day margaret cho i'm uh i'm actually a uh i came before margaret cho oh really yeah so i don't like it when people describe me as a modern day margaret cho when did you start doing stand-up? I was seven years old, and Margaret Cho came to see me at a school function.

A function or a talent show? What kind of function? It was a function. It was a P.I.K. meeting. It was an open mic at Catch a Rising Star on the Upper East Side of New York City.

Yeah, I taught her everything she knows. How old do you think the youngest stand-up comedian to do well is? Has there been a 15-year-old stand-up comedian? Or do you have to be a... There must have been, right? I don't know. Pete Davidson, wasn't he 19 when he got on SNL?

Yeah, I'm talking about was there a 13-year-old? Oh, that kid's pretty funny, actually. Yeah, I bet there's an 8-year-old comedian. Yeah, this is definitely a YouTube search that would yield results i think but i don't want him to i don't want him to like phone it in and you want to do you don't want to do like cute funny you want to do like what's the youngest comedian doing crowd work yeah he's like holy shit this kid's good or being like really honest yeah holy shit he's like i'm getting to know him on stage yeah like i feel like i don't even want to limit it to guys like i want a want a seven year old girl who's fucking up there killing it.

Just bringing the house down. Wouldn't that be funny? A funny art performance art is just like a comedian coaching an eight year old on what to say. So he's on stage saying like some pretty raunchy shit. I don't know. I shouldn't give that secret away because I'm going to do it one day. All right. So, Dan, these are real emails from real people.

We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Sure. It's kind of an interesting one right off the bat. We've never done this before. Have you ever slipped and said someone's name? Yes. Definitely.

Nearly every other episode. It's like, all right, let's call this guy Phillip. Hey, guys, my name's john shit all right about your weird penis john so all right give me i'll i'll tell you why this is interesting but give me a guy's a fake guy's name give me anything you want i mean it has to be eduardo right so you have heard the show before yeah you slipped him a tiny piece of paper that said eduardo all right here we go eduardo writes hey guys i'm in a committed relationship with my girlfriend but i have a crush on a girl from work me and the girl from work flirt a little bit every

day i don't intend to actually do anything but i do like flirting and the girl doesn't know i'm in a relationship there's no chance of my girlfriend finding out as we're in a long distance is this And this is why I say this is kind of unique. Because three weeks later, we got an email that's seemingly from either this girl or a girl in the borderline same exact predicament, but the other side. So I think I want to read that if you have a female name uh i mean it's got to be a duarte yeah edwardette wrote this keep in mind these are three weeks apart i started a new job in january and had to move to a new city and so far it's been amazing the people at work have been super lovely particularly this one guy he was chatty charming and lovely and we both had a lot in common and soon enough I became

smitten. However, later on I found out he was in a relationship. Bit of a bummer but no big deal, always good to have friends. So he ended up inviting me to an Australia Day party with his friends since I was new in the city and it was tons of fun. He warned me off one of his mates and chatted to me for most of the party. This friendliness continued for a while but got a lot of got a little bit intimate with stuff like drinks after work, just the two of us, dinners, snapchats all the time, texting each other until late, and even taking our lunch breaks together, lying on the grass near the ocean and chatting. It's even gone so far as pizza and Netflix at my house alone. This is all just friendly.

And while he's with his girlfriend, I wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole. But it is getting strange. He compliments me a lot, and I quite like hearing about it. I'm starting to get a bit of a crush on him, too. And now it's super messy, and I'm not sure what to do or say at this point. I don't want to keep this up,

because I'm just as responsible as he is. And I don't want this friendship pushing the boundaries. And it sounds like it's totally not cool. So what would you do if I were you? That's already gotten much farther than I would have thought that it would get. Oh yeah. It sounds like she's like almost about to be like, yeah,

it's weird. He like gave me this ring and and then we walked down this aisle, and now we kind of have a house together. We're married. We're married. It sounds like they got to the boring part of a relationship without having sex. Pizza and Netflix.

That's what you do when you're tired of fucking someone. Yeah, exactly. So what are your thoughts in general about flirting while in a relationship? I guess, well, are you talking about both both questions uh let's just say just as yourself would you flirt if you're in a relationship are you the kind of guy it's like oh i'm in a relationship i can't even be slightly charming to any girl no i mean i think that i think it's okay to like have flirtatious conversations here

and there i think that once you're escalating to like one-on-one drinks and pizza and Netflix, that starts to be a little bit strange. Right. I think there's like a difference between being a flirtatious person and, you know, flirting with a bunch of people at a party. And then like a one-on-one flirtation affair is different because you're like honing in on one person that you seem to care about. But it's almost like, why even go down that road? Because flirting is fun and harmless. But if you're at work and you're flirting with people, well, I could see how it would be a problem.

But I think that's fine. As long as it's like, I just feel like as long as you're doing it liberally, it's okay. Yeah, I think there's a difference also between like flirting that's like occasionally saying something charming and kind of playful and flirting that's like hitting on somebody. Yeah, I mean, this dude told her not to go home with someone else. That's like possessive. Yeah.

That's weird. Yeah, he's basically saying, don't hook up with that guy because I may or may not break up with my girlfriend soon, and I want you to be like fresh for me. Yeah, I think that is a really gross way of putting it, but yeah. i want you to be a salmon it's the worst thing i've ever you are sashimi i'd prefer you to be fresh for me but isn't that what he's saying yeah if you could just wrap yourself up in a vacuum pack one of those things yeah one of those things your mom stores in the attic if you could just crawl into one of those and not move for a couple months while I figure out my own life. I can make you super, super flat.

I want you to vacuum seal. And store you with my winter jacket. Like a Japanese porno. I want you to just be absolutely vacuum, hermetically sealed, like a Honus Wagner baseball card. It would be worth as much as possible. On the market. It sounds like he's, that's unhealthy because it sounds like he's trying to have it both ways and keep her around while he figures out his own relationship. Where do you draw the line?

What's bad? What's cheating and what's flirting? Oh my God, you're trying i guess just end the podcast because we don't finally know we blew it um this is like one of the things why play with fire but this is well because you're flirting at work and then eventually it'll become a work function and then you want to see the girl and then you talk to her at a party and then it's like oh i'm getting closer and closer and closer well that's where the line is i think there's a couple different factors at play one like i said before are you flirting with lots and then you talk to her at a party and then it's like, uh-oh, I'm getting closer and closer and closer. Well, that's where the line is, I think. There's a couple different factors at play.

One, like I said before, are you flirting with lots of people or are you flirting with one person? Because flirting is harmless. Having a crush on someone is not harmless, right? Right. You can flirt with people without really liking them, just having like that flirtatious nature. But then when you like somebody, then you start like only flirting with that person.

That's a problem. But also it kind of matters what your significant other thinks about flirting because no matter what their opinion is, if it's like, if something's like really upsetting them, then you have to adjust accordingly. Yeah. I tend to be a fairly jealous person.

I think like, I don't, I'd like to think that I'm not, but like I, there's never been a situation where I imagined anyone that I was with, like, in any sort of a flirtatious or romantic situation with somebody else and didn't immediately, like, get angry. Like, I don't. How do you ever experience that firsthand? Like, you were talking to some, like, you and your lady were talking to a guy and you're like, you were just openly flirting with that guy. No, I don't think i've watched somebody flirt i mean i'm sure that's like i mean i'm sure that

it's happened on both sides of relationships that i've been in but i've not i haven't like watched it happen and been like what was that about right i've never really had one of those hey we have to talk yeah that wasn't okay i noticed you having fun at this party that's the problem because flirting like flirting is so ambiguous what does it mean like if i'm talking and joking with someone is it uh by definition flirting or does it have to be slightly sexual and romantic like if i'm making a girl laugh am i flirting because if so then i have to like this is you arguing with a girlfriend right now i wasn't flirting i was laughing i laugh all the time right exactly no i don't that it's just, I don't think it's automatically flirting to like

be playful with somebody and make them laugh. I think that's like, if you're like a charming person who likes making jokes, that's just part of your life. Flirting is giving somebody that little extra attention. Because like all of us naturally just like try to make people laugh and try to talk to people. But as soon as I hone in on someone, just one person, then it's flirting. Then it's like, I only care about making this girl laugh right here.

So you're saying if you're an equal opportunity flirter, then it doesn't matter. As long as you're not doing it to just one person. Yeah, that's what I think. It feels like if you're at a party or hanging out or being charming, that's sort of like general equal opportunity flirting. But if you're at work and you send an email to a coworker that's that's like hey we should really meet up in the kitchen and have a cookie deep break or some i don't know just like that's a good that's a good work time flirt very yeah the snack you've got snacks in the kitchen oh that's game over like scheduling a one-on-one snack break in the kitchen that's like that feels like you're like i'm trying to hook up with this person right

and so it's like something that has like an intention behind it that's not just being a friendly person it's almost like every one-on-one email is kind of flirtatious because it's like here's a little secret from me yeah there's never a reason really to send any one-on-one emails at work that aren't like work related right like if you're sending like a one or two line email to a person at work that's not has anything to do with work. But that's also harmless. It just gives you that little micro burst of like, that's flirty.

Yeah. Well, this goes back to me saying like, as long as you're spreading it liberally, it's fine. Yeah. I don't, I don't think that it's a problem in the sense that like,

if I like, I think if I was in a relationship and I found out that, you know, my girlfriend had been, had like sent a couple of one or two line flirty emails to a coworker. I don't, I like to think that I would be okay with it because it's like, it's, it's okay to find other people like sort of attractive or cute while you're in a relationship that is just human nature. Right. But it's like a very, it's a very different thing to like truly act on it in any, in any significant

way. Right. Like I would say that like on alone on your couch pizza and netflix time is like acting on it that counts as acting oh yeah that's like that's very uncool and i would not like that right but like the occasional like you're kind of a cute guy sort of thing it's like text smiles like it would all bother me but just like don't tell me i don't want to know that's like not something i need if i'm in a relationship it's like if you're eating pizza and watching netflix at someone's house i i need to know because then we break up yeah but if you're like if your girlfriend can't have a a time where she watches netflix with another guy well i mean sure that could happen it depends like how it got how it got there if it got there because they're taking lunch breaks together, and then they're going out to one-on-one dinners,

sending each other Snapchats, and then they watch Netflix and pizza. Yeah, the relationship is clearly... All right, let me ask you a follow-up question. What if he can only come while watching Futurama and eating pepperoni pizza? Oh, I didn't think... That's not fair. So yeah, you got it. I understand.

Netflix and chicken fingers. Game to Amazon. Amazon Prime and fish sticks. No, I guess that's okay. Hulu Plus. Xbox Originals. And tater tachos. One last question.

Egg salad and Hulu. Let me finish. Not Plus. Regular. So they're watching more. This dude's a broke-ass joke thing. They could do that all day. If any girlfriend of mine

ate egg salad at any point, I would dump them. For any reason. Flirting's okay. Egg salad's not. No. Egg salad really is ridiculous. It's just eggs mashed up.

If you found out your girlfriend went out to lunch with a guy at work and they ate by the ocean and laid on the grass, you'd be jealous. And then if you found out they both had egg salad with chopped up onions in it you know what he can have you your breath probably still smells yeah i think if i if i if i fell in love

with a girl over the course of a year and we spent nights lying together talking and telling each other things we'd never told anybody and i felt closer to her than i'd ever felt to anybody and then i just and then i just like walked in and i saw her just drinking a full glass of whole milk i'm never gonna talk to that girl again that's disgusting you hate milk i just hate the idea of just drinking a glass of whole milk what if it was two percent oh we going to have to have a serious talk. I'd probably still leave her. We'd have an open relationship. Yeah, exactly.

It's skim. It has to be skim. Just like a bowl of egg salad and a glass of milk. It's like, you know what? Nothing we've shared is worth this. You're a monster. That is. A lot of people still drink i can't get behind

that i never had milk growing up but yeah don't you know people that still just like i will eat a sandwich glass a whole milk so foul i had a girlfriend in high school who didn't like juice of any kind but drank milk out of just drank glasses of milk and it was like, I think I've always been ruined by it because I thought it was so gross I could never get past it. Dave Rosenberg still, I think to this day, loves milk. Remember, he did the he did this diet where he drank a gallon of milk a day.

The Go Mad Diet. Gallon of milk a day. Oh, please. That's not a ring, that's an endorsement against milk, though. Oh, yeah. I mean, it was absolutely absolutely he looked sick he looked his i mean he's already kind of pale but he looked like milk he became harvey milk he wore it he wore the milk it was so big in his stomach he would cough it was on his face and i would come home and he would have like

a quarter of the milk left and i would look at him and be like you how's it going and he would just like he looked like he was gonna cry he would have to open his mouth like a milk cart like you have to squeeze it in tears out of his thin foam of cream around his skin. He became milk. Wait, was there... What's the... Why would that... Why would anyone think that's a good idea? He wanted to pack on mass. He wanted to gain a lot of weight because he was trying to bulk up.

And he bulked up but it was all in his stomach. Yeah, that's not good. He had cream weight. He had 40 pounds of cream in his belly. He was also doing no exercise because the milk made him so sick and lethargic. He was weighed down by the dairy and the lactose. I think a lot of things Dave does you can ask with, wait, why would anyone think that's a good idea?

Yeah, it doesn't sound like, I would say in any nutrition book, there's probably like a little addendum that's like, also, by the way, don't become milk. Whatever you do, it's not a good idea. It might sound like a good idea to you, but don't become milk. Yeah, it's like a warning. If you run the milk label, too much consumption will make you milk. That's where this carton came from. Enjoy, but do not become. Somebody else became it.

So, roughly speaking, what would you do if you were... This girl says, what would you do if I were you? If you were this girl, would you not? Where would you cut it off? Or would you cut it off? If you were flirting with a girl and she had a boyfriend and you didn't, would you cut it off? I've, well... Where do you stand on meddling i've like what the first girl

i was ever in love with was in a relationship when i met her and they broke up and she and she ended up dating me so i'm not right the moral you know but if you if you guys ended up getting married that's like a lovely story and nobody would actually be offended by the fact that you meddled yeah i think that like if i mean i don't yeah i like it's hard to say like how flirtatious these nights that they've been spending together have become but netflix and pizza is like it's pretty it's pretty it's a nine out of ten it sounds like yeah i would say at a certain point it's worth bringing it up and saying like or at least trying to feel out where his relationship's going you know know? Like saying, I can't keep doing this if you're still doing that.

She also said something that was like a red flag to me. She was like, I'm just as responsible as he is. And that's not true. If you're in a relationship, you are the most responsible. Like this girl doesn't have to be responsible for this dude's relationship, right? I'm not asking you. That's just a fact. I do think that there's more of a moral weight on the person in the relationship in these situations.

Yes, definitely. I mean, I'm not saying that this girl is completely absolved and you can meddle all you want. Right. But I will say that this guy is being the primo asshole. Yes. And this girl is being a mini asshole for enabling it. So I think if she wants...

The best thing she can do is say, hey, I enjoy spending this time with you, asshole for enabling it. So I think if she wants, like the best thing she can do is say, Hey, I enjoy spending this time with you, but like it's, you're in a relationship, so we can't do this kind of thing. Right. I think that that's the best thing to do because once you give him an ultimatum like that,

then he has to like sack up and figure out his relationship. Because what he's doing right now is he's just like, he's just having the best of both worlds. He's like getting the emotional fulfillment from this girl but not having to make a decision because breaking up people sucks right no one wants to do it right so like what he has to do is he has to like realize that he can't have both at once and have to actually make a decision about which one he prefers it seems like if he's gotten this far he shouldn't stay with his girlfriend definitely not no yeah i think that if you get to this point you think something's wrong right

you're not getting it from where you should be getting it yeah i've i've always felt that way like if i'm if you're in in something and you like legitimately feel like hanging out with somebody else or flirting with somebody else or like in a way that's like serious you know then that means that something's not so is it game over wouldn't that be the easiest solution is just like, oh, guy breaks up with girl and then they can go out guilt free. Yeah. Yeah. That's the move. I think that she has to let him know that he can't have both, I think.

And then it's up to him to decide which one he actually wants to pursue. That's good. Maybe she should ask him like in a really sexy way. Like she straddles him and be like, do you want this or do you want your fucking girlfriend or something like that? So like put him in a situation where he almost feels too bad to choose the alternative. Sure. That way. Sure.

We all disagree. We're going to let you keep on digging yourself into this hole. Yeah, I want to know where you're going with this. Yeah, and then she starts undoing her blouse and she's like, do you want to touch me or do you want to touch her? Right. His girlfriend's, it's a long distance relationship. He can't touch her.

He can't do it. Yeah, he can't. Yeah, she wins that battle every time. Just an idea for the girl. Yeah. That's the sexiest way to come on to somebody. I'm better than nothing, aren't I? Yeah.

It's either this or not or nothing. This or someone far away. Yeah. Do you do LDRs, long distance stuff? Are you into that? I have done it. You're okay with it? I didn't love it.

Would you do it again? Nope. You're in LA right now. You live in New York. Yeah. You meet a girl tonight. Sure. She's amazing.

She's not only hot. She's a six out of ten. Can we talk about, honestly, like the, like, I just was like, no, I wouldn't do it again. And then the second that you like floated a hypothetical, I was like, I can be open to it. Sure. I like love. Who's your friend? Introduce me.

Yeah. Do you know somebody? This girl is 10 out of 10, never had milk in her life. Bitch is lactose intolerant. Oh, yes. From head to toe. Gassy as fuck. Yeah, I mean, I guess there's always exceptions, right? But like in my experience from having done it, I don't miss it.

And I would not rush to do it again. Right. It's almost like it's not even worth coming up with rules because it's like, yeah, but then there's somebody that could break all the rules anyway. Of course. It's like everyone knows somebody that was in a long-distance relationship that they just loved the person that much that it made sense

and then it worked. And I guess like, so there's that. There's that. So why close the door to that? I think it depends on whether there's a chance that you will be in the same place. I think if you're just like both indefinitely in different places, then that's, you know, something's got to give there. You got to figure out.

But if it's like temporary or like there's a chance that one person could move. Like a malleable job. Yeah, exactly. But if both people have like jobs they're passionate about on opposite coasts then even i've heard that happen and then like eventually some of them leave one of them leaves the job yeah i'm a piece of shit i don't know it's yeah i mean i guess there's examples of every relationship working out not working out right just sort of like a do you want to put yourself through that i guess yeah like a strong enough love like conquers any obstacles and i

guess i just haven't experienced a love that strong. So like the obstacles have won every time. Like, I'm like, well, no, I mean, I guess in my experience, no, the obstacles are, it's too much. But it's like in other people's experience, I guess it's not. That was a very good fortune cookie that you gave out in the middle of that speech. What was it about the love and the obstacles? Say it one more time.

I want to see it in my mind's eye. Ideally in a poster under two people walking along a beach. The love and the obstacles. Right. Can you say it again? You haven't given him a chance to talk. One run-on sentence this entire time.

Can you say it again? One more time to think about the obstacles. I want to picture it in a poster. Can you say it now? Three, two, one, zero. Now you're going to say it. All right, we don't have to hear it. I'm recording it. We can listen to a poster. Here we go. Will you say it now? Three, two, one, zero. Now you're going to say it. All right, we don't have to hear it. I'm recording it.

We can listen to it again. You know what? Rewind. Somewhere out there, Eduardo wants advice. And you're facetious. Wow. That was a long one. It's almost time for the break.

Wow. Let's take a break and we'll be right back with more, Dan. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny

that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like

you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Why are you in L.A.? No reason at all. I'm just seeing friends and hanging out. Then get out of here. Oh, all right. You need a reason, a purpose. I'm just seeing friends and hanging out. Then get out of here. Have a weekend.

Oh, all right. You need a reason, a purpose. Yeah, I'll see you guys later. Is the job at John Oliver as stressful as it sounds? What with you having to create a news show that takes something down in an epic way every six days? It's pretty intense. I mean, I love it. It's a lot of fun, but it is, yeah, it's strange

because you're kind of like half of your job is writing a research paper. Yeah. And the other half is making it funny. So the half of it's writing the research paper is sometimes intense. The best, sometimes we've come to describe it as like, or at least I have, as that anxiety dream where you have a final paper due in a class that you haven't taken. But it's like that, but it's real. Oh, man. And you're naked for some reason, right?

And I'm naked, yeah. I go to work naked. But, yeah, the worst part is at the end when you finish the script and all your teeth fall out. Yeah. Fall out of bottomless pit. They're all chickless. So, yeah, it can be intense. But it's very, like, you know, it's run in a professional way.

Everyone's like, what is the workflow like flow like sorry there are nine nine writers okay and uh do you guys like all work on something together do you splinter off do you have a writing partner are you solo it's a mix it's there's a research staff and basically so when you're working on the big pieces the research staff prepares like all sorts of information and transcripts and then they and then you go through and you're like i could make i could do something with this yeah basically they'll send over like 200 pages of information and transcripts and then it's on you to like figure out what in that 200 pages you can you know form into a 15 minute piece and another writer also does their own version of that big story and then you you have a meeting where they basically tell you what their favorite parts of both of your drafts were and then you and

that other writer combine uh their favorite aspects of the of your drafts were. And then you and that other writer combine their favorite aspects of the draft into one draft and then fill in the blanks. And then later on in the process when there's like inevitably stuff that, you know, jokes that need to be thought it out or in different way, that's like the whole staff gets together and brainstorms. Yeah. They can go.

And it's usually for those, like the pieces of information that are really dark or like, don't seem like they could possibly have anything funny about them. we'll usually meet as a group and try to pitch lots of jokes to figure out. And what about the things that you decide to take down? Is there a meeting for that with the writers, too? Or do you guys get an assignment to say, hey, this week we want to do something on this? The topic he's talking about.

Oh, yeah. Oh, those can come from anywhere. Research can pitch them. The writers can pitch them. Research? What do they know about shit? Fucking nerds. Give me the story, nerd.

Get out of here. You're a writer with a podcast. So are you, asshole. No, don't call me a podcaster. I'll smack you in the eye. Are the researchers funny? Or are they just like... Well, they have journalism backgrounds,

but they're, I mean, they're like funny, smart people, yeah. Did they go to Northwestern? All of them went to Northwestern, right? Wow. Yeah. We all had to... There was a period before the show started where we all had to go to Northwestern.

Yeah. If you hadn't gotten to Northwestern, they sent us to Northwestern. You had to apply and at least get into Northwestern. Right, exactly. Yeah, whether or not you actually went there. You had to join one extracurricular. Wow, did you, exactly. Yeah, whether or not you actually went there, you could defer. You had to join one extracurricular.

Wow, did you do crew? Yeah, did they row crew? They all did crew? Yeah, we all rowed on the same boat, Northwestern, and that was how we bonded before the job started. It was us versus the wing of us. You were skanking at the top of the boat, right?

Yeah. One last question. the format of the show for people who haven't seen is the so the it's a half hour long right yeah but this main story takes up over half the episode yeah it's usually like is that was that a decision conscious decision from the get-go or like they started getting bigger and fatter and then you guys realized this is what the people want and like how much did youtube audience inform that like oh this is clearly the viral thing this is what people want let's get that bigger and bigger and fatter i think we were always they were always uh looking forward to doing these like longer stories yeah but the it was a surprise to us even that like how long we could go and how people would respond positively to that

yeah so like in the first i remember like the the second episode um we did this like 12 minute piece on the death penalty and at the time we it was like we'd been talking about doing the death penalty as a like wow that would be like a crazy ballsy thing to do like later in the season right and then this thing happened where this guy's execution was like really badly, you know, botched and he like, didn't die.

I remember that was funny. It was hilarious. And so they were like, you know what, let's just do it this, this week on the second episode. Wow. And we did this like 12 minute piece on the death penalty,

which at the time we were like, first of all, that's insane. Doing a, like a long comedy piece on the death penalty. Second of all, 12 minutes. Yeah.

And then everyone just like really responded to both halves of that where they were like wow it's so cool to see a comedy piece about such a serious topic and wow it's so cool to see it in depth and then i think there was just this switch that everyone was just like wow we can just like that changed the rest of this season i think yeah i think we just went harder in that direction than we maybe otherwise i think we would have gotten there but we got there faster because of that and like i mean i would watch a full half hour of just that stuff i think that's the thing is like to us we were all like we were like wow i can't even imagine like people like paying attention to one topic for this long how incredibly boring and dark and then like people just were

like i love that yeah and we were like oh okay yeah then let's just do that you know what it is it's uh you're it's like you're kind of like putting sweet stuff around medicine. So it's like, here's a bunch of jokes, and you guys don't know it, but you're actually learning about something important. It's like you're feeding. It's like it's not how you give dogs medicine. You wrap it in dog food. That's how they should teach classes in school.

Yeah, like I learned more from John Oliver's show last week tonight than I would from the news because it's the, one one you guys are covering stuff that the news wouldn't cover. But two, you're covering it in a way that makes me want to digest it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of like worldview stuff. It's not just like the Daily Show. I mean, the Daily Show is also great, but that seems to be like a very political like things happening right here in the country.

Right. And John Oliver is just like huge worldly topics. International. International topics. Yeah. It's International topics. Yeah. It's cool for that reason. And it's, yeah, I mean, it's, and it's fun from on the inside to learn about all that stuff.

And because you also have to learn, like we have to learn it fairly well before we can explain it to others, just like anything. Right. You know? And so it's like, you become this weird expert in a random topic and just become a weird, like not. Yeah. That must be really good on dates, you know?

Yeah. Oh know? Yeah. Oh, man, yeah. Hey, so, babe, you wouldn't believe the function that municipal fines serve in the Alabama court system and how they keep down the minority population. I actually do care. That's fucking cool.

Do you have Tinder? At the moment, I have have deleted it but i'm sure i will did your bio say writer at last week tonight uh yeah i did didn't it first and then i added it smart smart move did it help i don't know i i mean like my opinion on this i actually was very uncomfortable like writing my job on like an online dating platform but there's something like if you say that you're a comedy writer but you don't say what your job you don't like yeah if you don't but you don't imply in any way that you're actually doing it for a living people just i think would completely assume that you're just because 98 of the times comedy writers are either self-employed or

unemployed right so really it's comedy writer that submits headlines to the like the wrong email address at the onion yeah exactly like i don't want to i don't want to brag and i certainly don't want to like i would i would hope that that's not like a reason to go on a date with me but i also like it is like i don't want to come across like i'm just like of a failed right well it sort of is it's a reason to go on a date with you but not in the way that's like oh this guy has a good job it's what it shows is like this guy's hard working and gainfully employed it's not like you get handed a job like that i think so yeah i think it's like i think i'm just i'm afraid of coming across as like i think nobody really believes that comedy writing is an actual job so i think you need to kind of be like no but for real though right yeah you have to own it a little bit yeah i think i think it's just a

matter of like being proud of it and being like i worked for it and yeah you know i remember that came up once where i was like oh should i i think in a weird slightly tangent tangential way somebody was trying to convince me to put a picture of me and jake in my tinder stream so that people would know that like i did this stuff that like maybe it would trigger something i was like oh isn't that like cheap like oh she would only like me because i was in a i was in videos that stuff that she would recognize but then someone's like yeah but like that's beyond physical attraction the other thing people are attracted to is like how successful you are in your field and what you do for a living so it's not like shallow for a bad reason right it's showing that you like worked hard at something yeah i think that it's like i think that the adverse effect of coming across

like you might just be an unemployed aspiring comedy writer is much worse than the potential cocky effect of sounding like you're bragging about your job. I think it's okay to own the fact that you've worked hard and you're ambitious and you're like, you know. It's good to be proud of your job. Yeah, I think it's good to be proud of that stuff. And they never actually, like I could put that, I feel like't i and i could do like last week tonight i mean and well head writer you should say head writer for last

contributing author why not showrunner what would you say his name was tim if you change your name oh i might make my name no no no no no no no no guys oh god oh i might make my picture as john oliver just like on tinder i'll be like swiping or whatever but then when you meet the girl what happens i'll say i duped you and it's too late for you now and now we're on a date you have to where are you going you already agreed to the location in time once a girl's been duped she don't she doesn't leave she's usually like well i've been duped i owe you this much she sits down like snaps dupe me dupe me all right now you gotta drink now you gotta scoop me

what does that mean let's get to the second question we're running we're running out of time we got the last question uh all right guy's name oh sorry uh stefan stefan writes hey guys i got this problem with my best friend me and him both like the same girl and got into a fight about it he was in a group of friends and she was with him and since it was a group i thought i can come in and hang out when I got there I stood behind him and he told me what the fuck are you doing here? Why are you here? And he pointed to the door and told me to leave. He is probably one of my closest friends because we are the same person practically. He invites me to anything and actually started working out with me. He looks better than me, but me and him are both smoke shows. The only advantage I have is that I am taller than him. We have a very good

relationship. Like we buy things for each other and just hang out every day. I admire him because he got me to start working out and going out. I don't know what to do. Please help me. This girl is like an eight, but we are both friends with with her what would you guys do if you both like the same girl as your best friend straight up and i'm embarrassed to say this i might have spaced out for the first like five sentences of that do they are they they're actively fighting over the same girl that's pretty much it yeah do they like get in a fight or they just realize that was the saddest situation ever this dude came over to a group of people, including the girl that he liked, and his friend was just pushing him

and telling him to leave. Okay, so he was just approaching this girl to talk to her, and his friend said, get the fuck out of there. She's mine. She's mine. Is she actually his?

No. He wants her to like her. Yeah, it seems like they're just both vying after the same girl. Then he goes on to say how much he likes this guy because they're the same person, but he's slightly right it sort of turns into like the two pieces like one you should if if it's bothering your friend this much just say you know it's not ever really worth it you just say okay yeah you know what you you know you go after this girl and i don't need to

but this this guy is such an asshole that I'm pretty tempted to say he's not your best friend and you shouldn't admire him. Yeah, all this admiration seems misplaced. It seems like he has a quasi crush on himself. He's like, this guy's so great. He's exactly like, well, me, but not as tall. There's no better person than me. I'm the person I want to be. That's why I'm becoming me. And this person accidentally did that. I'm a strong me. Yeah. I only befriend lesser versions of me.

The closer you are to me, the more friendships I have with you because that's how close you became to me. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's, if you start an email that your friend pushed you out of the way and said to stay away from a girl,

generally you don't end that email with a long string of compliments about what a wonderful man he is. Well, two things. One, have you ever seen a girl that you and your friend both have a crush on? Have you ever wished that you had Jesse's girl? Yeah.

I mean, yeah, it's tough because for me, if that happens, it's game over, you know? Yeah, I understand. For sure. I'm not going to say which direction, but it's tough because like for me, if that happens, it's like it's game over, you know? Yeah, I understand. For sure. I'm not going to say which direction, but it's definitely game over. Well, I only hang out with ugly, horrible people. So then I'm always the catch.

The better option. So yeah, lesser versions of yourself. Exactly. I don't know if I've ever like really competed over a girl. Maybe, I think I had maybe some a crush on the same girl somebody else maybe in high school i was like but i was like 15 i don't know if that counts right not in that not as an adult no yeah yeah if that's happening as an adult you just gotta that's not worth it what do you do um have you ever had that situation? Where you and a friend both were like, yeah.

For me, every time it happened, I never, ever lost. Oh. So at a certain point, I realized. You were 12 and 0. I realized, I was like, you know what? If I'm going to win every single time, then it's only, it's not really a good competition. Oh. Then I'm just sort of an evil man who steals women from people.

You're always the second, like you were always last. You would just steal people's girlfriends. I did that a lot. And then like, I mean, I'm not sure how often it was ever like two of my friends. It definitely happened. But like, you know, what are you going to do? I don't want to be an asshole, but I really never, ever, I always got the girl. So it was like, I just, then I sort of shifted to, I thought friendship was more important.

I didn't want to steal anybody's, anybody's crush. I think that's also important to nip it in the bud early before you really start to care. Cause that's when you like you don't want to give up if you're at the beginning stage of liking somebody and you realize it's going to be a conflict I would always just peel back first like oh I can like somebody else so much of it is like happenstance

if you're seated next to someone or dancing next to someone and you just have the first four minute conversation that almost sends you off on a trajectory where you're with that person i know because it also is like when it when there's competition it's always goes to the person who well not always never mind sorry it's a totally different because sometimes you have to try really hard and sometimes you have to try a lot less right like sometimes the guy that tries too hard you start looking like a nice chivalrous guy next

to that guy that tries too hard it kind of depends what the other guy's doing. You just have to do the opposite. I didn't learn that lesson until I was like in my early 20s. Like I spent like all of high school being like, if I'm the sweetest, most sensitive man, all of the ladies will appreciate my sensitivity. Who's Dan? Yeah, exactly. Who are you talking about?

I've never seen that guy. But that's not to say that it's not like a good trait like but it is like yeah you have to like a little bit see what you know you don't want to be that that one all the time right you know there's also like it has to be mutual and usually uh i can only speak for like uh one lady and two dudes because I've never been on the other side as two ladies versus one dude but it seems like she just is naturally gravitating towards one of you it's never like at the end of several days

it's still a toss up well of course it's entirely her choice she gets to choose you the other guy or neither but to save your friendship you can say I'm out of the running entirely like you're say there say dan's a girl and we both like him right and you say look jake back off i really like dan then all i can do if i want to stay friends with you i'm out of the

picture and then say dan does like me as long as i'm out of the picture you can't be mad at me but then you can go after dan no i can't go after dan because i promised you to preserve our friendship that i will not like dan even if he likes me and not you but isn't that like a dibs thing which you don't like like oh i call dibs on dan and dan doesn't like me you can't hook up with dan because i mean dibs i don't believe in dibs i think there's a difference between dibs and you telling me as a friend to back off. Isn't that the same thing? Isn't dibs saying back off? Well, I think the dibs thing that we do is like if there's a girl at a bar and somebody's like dibs, I'm going to like I get dibs.

I'm going to talk to her first. That's not cool at all. But if you're like, look, I really like this girl and I don't want you to go after her. I think I could do you the honor. If you're a good man to me, I can say I won't go after her, I think I could do you the honor. If you're a good man to me, I can say I won't go after her. Or if you want to, you have a different conversation with me being like, we really actually like each other. Right.

And then I have to give you the honor back. I have to bestow you the honor. We all have to treat each other with honor. Yeah. Honor is the most important thing. All I actually, man, at the end of the day man i only care about honor so we're there at a bar in our kimonos with our large japanese swords and honor is we honor each other it is yeah exactly i well before you guys approach a girl at a bar you bow to each other

that's true we do we show each other mutual respect by my blessing i honor you i honor you we eskimo kiss i honor minutes. I honor your family. And then we go to the woman and we bow. We get on one knee. Sure. I will actually give her a bow, a pork bun. So I will bow to Jake and then I will present to the lady a bow.

I was talking to a girl at a bar. I bought her a drink and I looked at you to give you a thumbs up. You are on your knees committing. Yeah, Harry Carey. I wanted to show you that I have your, your ultimate honor in my mind. That's friendship. You are honor and I am shame. You sliced in the shape of a heart.

You sliced out. Yeah. My, my vital organs. Yeah. Man, that is, that is incredibly respectful

yeah it's and also if you like if a girl sees that two people are like actively vying for her there's always the you know the danger she's gonna pull like a jasmine in aladdin and be like i am not a prize to be won yeah shit yeah you gotta watch out for that she just goes home with raja

yeah starts fucking a tiger so hot can i actually show you guys a picture that's what it is there's a dance yeah you gotta watch out for that she just goes home with raja yeah starts fucking a tiger so hot can i actually show you guys a picture that's what it is there's a dance it's like i don't think i mean dibs is off the table because dibs is just sort of calling somebody like they're you're at an auction or whatever but if we're like if we have a crush on the same person you say i like her and then i let you approach and then if that doesn't go well, I say, permission. Will you honor me with your permission? Absolutely not, brother.

I appreciate your honor, but I can't reciprocate. I guess, you know what? I would do that once. And if you did it to me twice, if you did it to me twice where I asked if I could approach somebody and you said no

after the last girl had gotten away, I think that you have done me a dishonor and a disservice and i must diss you i want to talk to a girl about how it works on the other side when two girls like a guy is there is there a dibs thing is that i want to also know her viewpoint if uh you and i both like them and like and say she likes one of us right like well sorry if you like me or if you like a mirror i called you so you have to be with me now it's me or no one i think the closest we have is dan pretending to be a woman so if we can just ask you a series of questions and then you can just sort of keep your box how do i keep my box how do you woman scape? Oh, sure. Thanks so much for asking.

Have you ever fallen a different question that came out of this? Have you ever had a best friend and then you just realized you didn't like him anymore? Because that happens over time. It's like, oh, this guy's my best friend, but I don't really like him. It's like, oh, that's because you guys grew up and now you're different people. Right. I guess not as like an adult, but definitely in high school, I had some friends from like childhood that around age like 17,

it became pretty clear we were on different paths. Right. But never in a way that it like, actually, you know what? There was one kid, I was younger though, but there was a kid that I like hung out with between the ages of maybe like eight and 13. And then I think when we were 14, we got in an actual fight,

like a physical fight in my house that involved one of us hitting the other one with a tennis racket. Holy shit. We were angry at each other, and I don't even remember what or why, but it like... Yeah, we just went down different paths. One of you hit the other with

a tennis racket? I believe so, yeah You have to remember who was hitting who and who was getting hit I think we both had a weapon of some sort And I think mine was the tennis racket But I think he had something else He had a baseball bat One of us was hitting the other with a tennis racket And beating him to death

With the Wimbledon pro staff Of pro Kennex He actually ended up Advantage me! in pro staff of pro kennex you actually ended up advantage me this is on clay can you believe it interior roland garros

night a prepubescent sweet dan gerwich wailing to death his best friend of five years i'm rafa now yeah i don't know what happened there i think we were just like i think we were like teasing each other and then it like got mean and

we both just started like making fun of each other and then we got really angry and then it was just clear that that friendship was not going anywhere yeah but uh so maybe that's what this guy's going through right now i think so i mean i think also it's like there's a difference between like one time and like a repeated offender like if this guy's like maybe he's just like really loves this girl and like really well i think you know it's like you gotta allow for that yeah but if he's constantly making this other guy feel like shit and feel like he's like less than then that's not cool well let's answer this specific question what would you do if you both like the same girl if you and your best friend like the same girl? It's tough to say without knowing how she feels

because it's not up to, like, it's up to her, you know? But that's not saying to the girl, like, I'm sorry, you have to choose him. But it is saying, like, you know, I think you have a conversation with your friend first. You you say if you really like her and you want me to back off i'll stop flirting with her as much as i have been yeah like i won't i won't pursue it any further yeah and then whatever happens after that is obvious between the girl and that guy and you know back into the world yeah you'd hope that in any conversation between you and a friend you'd it would come out that one of you

is, like, really serious about it. And the other one was just kind of like, I don't know. Right. You know, like, generally, I can't see it being possible that two people would, like, fight to the death for, like,

the affections of one woman that they don't know that well. Right. Like, one of them is going to kind of, like, be like, you know what? I don't care that much. Right. I think.

I feel like it's up to the girl. Like, this can go one of two ways. It's definitely up to the girl, for sure. Yeah, but, like the if the girl was into me and not my friend i wouldn't be like all right fine you can have her or you can go after her well you don't say that like you don't give him you don't give him access to her you all he's asked all you do is leave that's it but if we if we have a thing more than they have a thing i don't think i should leave but i thought aren't we in this like hypothetical it's like they don't think I should leave. But aren't we in this hypothetical? It's like neither one of them knows her that well, right?

Sure. Yeah, because that's the only way you can judge it. If you're mid-relationship with her and you guys are having a lot of fun and you're flirting with each other a lot. And he's tapping in. And he's like, no, I have liked her too. Then it's different.

But we're imagining the very, very beginnings. The first night. This girl's a pretty girl in a group. So you're not actually invested or you shouldn't be. You haven't gone on any dates. Right. But it's not saying like, you're not saying you have to choose my friend now. It's just like, you're no longer an option.

Would you ever say to your friend, you got to back down? No, I would never say that. But I've had people say it to me. And I have that same conversation that Dan's talking about like oh wait do you actually care and if they're like yes i really care oh okay i didn't care at all and then sometimes i don't think it's ever happened in my recent memory i've never been like i care a lot right i guess it also depends on the friend like if it's a friend who hasn't doesn't really have these feelings a lot then it's like oh right if it was jeff if it was jeff or dave saying it i would be like fuck off

you don't like the moment right but if i mean you've never said it to me so if we both liked a girl and you're like i really like this girl i would definitely i could think of a time that that did happen and did i back off yeah which when was it uh we got this part out. I did do that. Yeah, exactly. You backed off? Yeah. Okay. So it can happen.

Yeah. I think it depends on the dynamic between the two guys. I was in a situation recently where, yeah, like I didn't know at the beginning that this girl that I was having kind of like felt a connection with that like another one of my friends also did. But just like by the end of the day that we were all kind of hanging out i just it was pretty clear that i was just hitting it off with her really well right so it's like i didn't feel the need to like have a discussion with him about it it just i was like i don't know i'm just it's going well for like us like you know well for you like i didn't he didn't ask you to step back did he no it was like no it was but i like but i heard through a friend that he was like also interested in her you know you know what that's happened to me too where like

i didn't necessarily i like kind of thought maybe somebody was interested in somebody but then i hit it off and then like didn't there was no conversation and it was sort of like a loaded conversation after the fact to be like oh i did actually hooked up with that girl right oh cool yeah it was is that yeah i think it's similar it's like yeah i was i just didn't like i didn't stop things from going in the direction they were going well that goes back to honor because some sometimes you'll feel shame and i'll say like hey i'm sorry uh i hit it off with this girl and the guy that likes her isn't about his honor he's about his shame he's like i can't i want to hear no more of this shit your pants in front of me if you

really want the honor i want you to have a scoop of shame with it and only then shit your pants and you get them what you want uh all right cool this can this episode be called honor and shame i think it will which one do you want to be? I want to get a tattoo on both of my biceps. This one says honor. This one also says honor. Shame is written across the shaft of my dick. My calf says honor. Everything in between these two biceps is shame.

You just put shame on body parts you don't like. Just two honor biceps and then shame everywhere else. You're so proud of your arms but the rest of your body is just like, oh no. I do a lot of curls.

It'd be very funny to have two incredibly strong arms and have a really pathetic weak body everywhere else. That's Dave Rosenberg. Really?

Yeah. I love how quickly you guys were like, we've had this conversation. We haven't. I've gone to the gym with Dave so many times and he only curls. He only does stuff for his biceps.

He curls and drinks milk. Yeah, that's the behavior of someone who's only seen cartoons about working out. He just wants to look like Papa. Yeah, he's like, well, I guess that's it. I guess I just do this a lot with my arms. Have you ever seen Dave at his desk squeezing a can of spinach and nothing happens? Desperately trying for it to be a rainbow into his mouth. All right.

Dan, do you have anything to plug before you go? Keep in mind, there will be thousands of people listening to this. Holy shit. So this means a lot. Yeah. Well, in that case. And we're out of time. No!

No, I definitely do not nothing twitter instagram i'm sure you can follow me on twitter if you want you're gonna get out you're gonna get a moderately amusing tweet once every three and a half weeks the show you it's doing fine without our endorsement hbo is actually advertising hbo's president called me today and was like dude if you could really if you could plug that show hbo sent me a care package based on me following that. Well, that's right. I remember that.

Yeah. Yeah. You were like a mover shaker in the media world. A trendsetter. When is the show on? Just for, and you can see it on YouTube as well, which is how a lot of people see it. You can see about half of it on YouTube. Do more people watch it on YouTube than on HBO?

No, not quite, but it's definitely like a bunch more million are added every week. It is pretty cool. Like you don't see any other show. I guess you do like daily show puts their stuff online, but like game of Thrones does not uploading like 20 minute clips of their shows. So like HBO is kind of doing like, yeah,

it's pretty awesome. I think they realized that the show would, you know, it wouldn't be like the cultural discussion point that it is if it wasn't, if people couldn't check it out. Yeah, but it is, there is one thing that's kind of like, because it's only those like very heavy topics that go

on youtube i think people sometimes think that's like the whole show is that heavy but there's actually a lot of very silly stuff on the show it's just it's not usually what's put on youtube that's true but um yeah cool uh thank you again for coming thanks for having me uh if you have your own questions or theme song submissions or thumbnails or anything, that email, again, is ifireadyshow at gmail.com. Thanks to Anderson, a.k.a. Pictures of Vernon, for writing the opening theme song. And thanks to Corey Lang, who made a wonderful world parody for the closing theme song. We'll be back next week. Dan, unfortunately, is about to die.

But me and Jake will be here. All right, later, guys. Oh! If I were you, and I'll seize that cheese. If I were you, sure. Oh, yeah. And I'll seize that cheese. If I were you, sir.