Segments - 162: Anti Drug

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

In this episode we discuss investing, marijuana, and the best cities in America. This episode is brought to you by MileIQ, BollAndBranch, and BlueApron! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and save extra when you bundle. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. How'd he do that? How did who do that? I mean, like, I'm just saying, who is it?

Okay, great question. It's mileiq.com. That's mileiq.com. What's this one all about, Bloomsie? Well, if you're self-employed, you can basically deduct the miles that you drive. A lot of people are listening to this in the car. So odds are, you guys are driving. Maybe you're driving for work. Did you know that if you submit the miles you drive for work, you can save

money? That's an expense. Wow. Not only just save money, but save money by not giving it to Uncle Sam. Thank you. Stick it to the man. But how do you log all these miles? Well, mile... In my brain, motherfucker. No, well, that's really... That's what I'm saying. Pen and paper, bitch. It's very archaic, very difficult, hard to store. It's easy to keep track of.

I just shuffle a receipt into my pocket, and when it's time to do my taxes, I empty... Let me tell you a good alternative. Good luck beating my current system. It's an app. It's called Mile IQ, and it's the gold standard in mileage tracking.

Mile IQ is the only mileage tracker that detects, logs, and calculates your drives for you automatically. You just have to keep your phone on, and it does the rest. Sounds pretty good. It's easy to use, and it keeps all your drives in a securely stored cloud. And if you drive for work and you're not counting every single mile, then you're burning money. So try it. It has a five-star rating in Google Play and the iTunes app stores. for work and you're not counting every single mile then you're burning money so try it it has a five-star rating in google play and the itunes app stores lots of people are using it counting

hundreds of thousands of miles and you're saving money at the end of the year that's correct because it's it's an expense so it's money that you don't have to pay in taxes so if this seems like something that you need and it just might be perfect for you try mile iq for free today what and all you have to do is text jake and amir you know our names jake space and the word and there's an ampersand the words word so j-a-k-e space and d space amir all right uh to eight nine eight zero zero and they'll text you the link to download the app. That's how they track that we're actually giving them a return on their investment. So MileIQ, it does all the work for you to log and capture your mileage. It exports all the data at the end of the year in an IRS

compliant file so that it's super easy, very very simple very sleek it looks cool check them out at the very least at mile iq.com if you're on the fence but if you want to try the app uh you just text jake and amir our names to eight nine eight zero zero that's jake and amir to eight nine eight zero zero stop wasting money unless you like paying taxes yeah if you like paying taxes then maybe mile iq isn't for you. If you like burning money, then please go ahead. That's illegal, by the way. Okay, I wouldn't do that.

To burn U.S. currency. Okay. Not very patriotic. MileIQ. Jake and Amir to 89800. Let's get started. This episode was quite a thrill ride, a roller coaster. Things ended up dipping into reality and then back into a fantasy land that we call, well, you'll figure it out. I've got a problem in my life.

A sticky situation, moral quandary, dilemma, dire straits or strife. But if I can't decide on what to do, I type on up an email and address it to if I were you They'll make my path a bit less hazy My vision was blurry but now it is clear My world tops me turvy

but now there's no fear All hope is restored All thanks to Jake and Amir. My car was in park, but now it's in gear. I was far from the mark, but they brought me here. The planet is safe, thanks to Jake and Amir. It's Jake and Amir. Love that pop punk voice.

And? That's all. Do you like me? Oh, we're talking about something else. You're constantly talking about something else. And you constantly want us to be talking about you. Or whether it's you talking about me or I'm talking about me. Also, I complimented something and you got mad at me.

Every compliment to something else doesn't detract from you. It's right. It detracts from me. No, it does not. That's exactly right. If I told somebody else that they had a nice shirt, you think that means you have a bad shirt?

Small. If you're not saying nice things to me... By the way, you do have a bad shirt. It's stained. It's shirt. It's stained. It's yellow. It's thin. It says, fuck you, you fucking fuck. The worst a shirt can be is thin.

Disagree. I think a thin shirt's pretty nice. What if it's, like, so thin, like, you can, like, start to see the skin? You know where it's, like, it's so thin. If it's, like, sheer, that's not necessarily. But not sheer all the way around. It's thinning. Like it has sheer spots.

Oh, but that's kind of nice. To me, that connotes a very, very comfortable shirt. I think a thick shirt is worth it. Like a really thick Hanes BPT. Yeah, like a Gildan. Even if you wash... It says in sort of blurry letters, if you're reading this, you're standing too close.

Yeah. And then at the bottom is just my social security number, and it's cut off high. It's a bare midriff, thick Hanes beefy tee with a swear word. You would say that would be the worst shirt. That's probably the worst a shirt could be. Russ Wolf is the guy who sang that song. You can find him on YouTube under Russ Wolf with an E

or on Facebook under Russ Wolf Music. Yeah. Okay, I will. You think so? I think I'll look him up on Facebook later today. Yeah. I think I'll remember to do that. Russ Wolf.

Russ Wolf. Yeah. No, I actually might. Because you've said it twice. Yeah, to do that Russ Wolf now I actually might because you've said it twice Russ Wolf if you repeat it it will come it gets ingrained more

we're in a new home holy shit I know you guys are sick and fed up of hearing it because literally every four episodes we're in a new home we move yeah we often are we're transient yes we uh we move a lot every couple weeks we'll move we are a nomadic crew not in a convenient way no in an inconvenient way like it sort of sucks to move so much we have no roots imagine a plant starting to grow and then like the roots grow and then you rip it up.

And every time, yeah, every time you acquire something, all you're thinking about is which bag will it go in in two weeks. Does it fit in a bag? Yeah. But no more. No longer. We are doing a normal thing, which is staying in a place for one calendar year. 12 months. We signed a lease.

52 weeks. It is not Raven's Nest. Of course it is not Raven's Nest, nor do you think I don't think you should bring up Raven's Nest. Yes, it is. We don't. We can't. We shouldn't. And we aren't. I don't have to speak of her

because I am always thinking of her. She is in my heart, mind, and in my blood. I am not in her, but she is in me. Raven Nest is a contact lens upon which we all see the world. It is all filtered through Raven's Nest. Because Raven's Nest is the world. Absolutely. It is more than the world.

It is the seventh wonder of the world. It is the universe. It is also the first and sixth wonder of the world. It is the universe. It is also the first and sixth wonder of the world. It is the wonder. That is the world. It is the film by which we see the universe. Everything you see is Raven's Nest. You've never seen Raven's Nest.

You can't picture Raven's Nest because you can't picture Utopia because it's not real. It is only real to I and to thee who have seen her but cannot speak of her, and that is our own private hell, because we will never be able to accurately describe her beauty to anyone. And if you close your eyes, guess what? You are staring directly into Raven's Nest. Because that pure blackness that is your soul is your soul reflected off of her soul, which is crystalline and clear and perfect,

and you are nothing. We have a nice little Spanish casita. What we have is Raveness took a dump one day, and we scurried along, put it into a plastic bag, and moved into it. There's no pool here, but it is nice. It's pleasant. It's fine.

It is a good home. It is fine. It is a home. Luckily, we have a room dedicated to podcasting. Yeah. So look at this. I'm sitting on a couch. I'm not holding the microphone because we bought mic stands. Very cool. We're inching closer towards adulthood. Yeah. But let's...

What is this? What are you listening to? It's an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You and it's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. And me. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. Josh R. We'll get emails from people to ifirewishowatgmail.com. And they're basically confused.

A lot of these people are scared. Some of them are alone. Many of them are coy. They're coy by the fact that they don't know what to do. They are seeking guidance. Who do they come to? Of course, the two smartest people they know. Me and Clark Kent.

Wow. He is busy saving the world, so I fill in for that. So we are going to be reading real emails right now from real people. Let's give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity. I don't want their shit getting out. Do you have a name for this first person who, let's say he's talking about drugs and weed. Oh, Rosie. Rosie, right.

Hey, guys, I got caught in an awkward situation last night, and I was wondering if you could help me out. Last night, I was texting back and forth with my best friend of five years when she casually mentioned to me that she likes to smoke weed. Now, something you should know about me is that I'm really anti-drug. I'm one of those few people that was brainwashed in the fifth grade by D.A.R.E. program, and I haven't shaken my opinion since. It's to the point where I have extreme disrespect towards people who do drugs, even if they're otherwise great people. So even though I'm 100% in the wrong, and literally all my friends think my stance on this is crazy, I can't help but feel nothing but disgust towards my friend. I haven't spoken to my friend since that fateful text.

So how do I casually drop the hint that I'm disgusted by her weed habit without making her mad? I feel like she should know how I feel since, you know, we're best friends. Thanks. Love, Rosie. Hmm. Hmm. He's some sort of weed bigot. Yeah, he's a wigot. I think this is sort of, I think at this point it's kind of safe to say that if you are like

extremely anti-weed, you're going to come out on the wrong side of history. Oh, wow. There are states legalizing it one by one. It's going to end up being like... There's an issue, and there's people on either side of it, sure. I personally think it's fine. You think society is trending towards acceptance for weed? Yes, I do.

Which seems like it's already... I mean, it's happening. Like you said, it's already illegal. But even if something is legal, he can say that he doesn't like it. Right, that's true. Like driving 180 miles per hour. That's not legal. Okay, bad example. Hurting someone, like murder.

Of course, illegal. I'm scratching my brainacking my brain murder you said what's a little legal smoking shoplifting okay like shoplifting no cigarettes right exactly right shoplifting one of them's legal one of them's not and it's impossible to say which one's which yeah cigarettes is a good example legal but you can be against it. You can be disgusted by it. Yeah. So this guy happens to be disgusted by marijuana. But he seems to know that he's wrong.

He's very self-aware in the fact that he's like, oh, yeah, I know that I'm 100% in the wrong. And all my friends think my stance on this is crazy. He also goes as far as to say that he was brainwashed. Yeah, he knows. So he has sort of an abhorrent view of anti-drug people how can you be brainwashed and know that you've been brainwashed doesn't that mean you haven't been brainwashed yeah so he hasn't been fully brainwashed yeah it's a light soak yeah some requests have come in

i don't know if we'd be well i guess yeah we could try it it will definitely be different i would be more self-conscious if i were stoned right i would probably be a little i would be more quiet right or like i and then like trying to act normal but then like you're starting to think am i just acting normal right coming across as normal what we should do is do one without telling anyone we're high oh and then when we like promote it or something yeah be like did you guys realize that this one was a little weird and then like we could record the ad afterwards and we'll say this is a fun one. Things got real. We got high. Yeah. And the sponsor will appreciate that. So what should this guy do?

I feel like his question is flawed. How do I casually drop a hint that I'm disgusted by her weed habit without making her mad? She should be mad at you. For being disgusted by her. Although maybe she shouldn't. No. Like you said with cigarettes, this girl smokes cigarettes, and he's saying saying how do i drop a hint that i'm disgusted without making her mad

but you wouldn't even if somebody smoked cigarettes a friend of yours smoked cigarettes you would tell them that you didn't care for it but to say i'm disgusted by it is a little it's much it's a little too much so i think the the thing to do is maybe just like, you know, do nothing. Why don't you voice your displeasure, but don't try to let it alter your... Yeah, I'd say something like, you know, I don't agree with it, but that's your choice. Yeah. If you really want her to know, which it doesn't really matter because what's the hope? That he wants to, A, make her uncomfortable with it,

and probably thus, in doing so, B, make her change and not smoke weed anymore. But according to him, that would be 100% in the wrong. He's basically asking if he can take this girl into the wrong with him. Right. If you think you're wrong don't try to prove people wrong because you are wrong you can't double yeah that's not a right two wrongs

don't make that is a saying that i just came up with whoa let's hear it two wrongs don't make a right so what does that mean it's like just because you're doing something wrong uh-huh if you get me to do something wrong too like it doesn't it's not and it's not like it's not making a right thing oh that's sort of like a way to look at it can i tell you a phrase that i just came up with sure a bird in the hand is worth two inside of a uh let's say a bush or a bush a bird in the hand if i have a bird in my hand that's worth two birds inside of a why is that because i can say let's say this bird is worth a hundred bucks uh-huh and the birds in the bush are what 50 each i don't know ish would you say that sounds about right you're asking me to agree to a lot for this to make sense.

I have a bird in hand. Yeah. A hundred bucks. I just feel like you set it up in a strange way. An average bush bird is 50. Why do I have, you're like telling me that, but I don't know if that's true. So a bird in the hand is worth two. Yeah.

So two, one. I feel like you're forcing a lot of information in to make this thing make sense. I don't think so. What do you think about this phrase time flies but only so when you're having a good or having fun having a good time or fun so what time flies when you're having fun and what does that mean that means like okay i'm having a great time but i keep looking at my clock yeah and i don't know what the fuck's going on like i can't read like there's a little hand is on the two the big hands on the five you know another way it could make sense is if you're saying like you know you don't look at the watch when you're having fun and time

seems to go a little quicker because oh so time goes quicker when you're having a good time yeah no that's not right that doesn't make sense yeah time's the same always right time is a constant yeah but it's like yours is like you're having a broken silly watch although now that i think about it i think that the speed of light is constant and time is very like relative and i that's sort of a theory that i came up with i think i can sort of quantify it in this equation so energy e yeah i'm just trying to do the math in my head equals would equal something It would equal something. Yeah. Mass, the weight of an object. M. And then the speed of light.

Is what? Which is a constant, C. Oh. C. But not just E equals MC. It would be like C times C. E equals MC squared. That's amazing.

You just came up with that? Well, I'm just like trying to think out loud. Are you riffing? Yeah. I'm doing a... Yeah yeah i think that works because i'm just i'm trying to figure it out i just farted it out my fucking face just now but yeah equal equals mc squared so don't tell your friend not to smoke pot anymore i used to be like this my friends smoked pot started to smoke pot at the end of high school and i never did and i was like oh shit this is bad like i'm in a bad mood when my friends are smoking pot because like they're

starting to become druggies and like i'm on the outside looking in and they're having this shared experience that i'm not a part of because i don't want to smoke right so like all my friends are becoming cool without me and you sort of resent them you're like oh you guys are being like this is gross this is disgusting yeah yeah guys shouldn't be doing this. Or I would just be in a bad mood and they would ask me what's wrong. I'd be like, I don't understand why we're getting high now. That's like a bad. To me, it was the equivalent of if all my friends now started doing heroin.

And I'd be like, what are you guys doing? You're throwing your life away. This isn't fun. I'm not going to do it. That makes sense because that that is that that is like a like these steps that you take and i think when your friends start drinking when you're younger you're like oh i don't know like this is bad you guys that's like kind of right but then eventually y'all everyone like gets a little older they start drinking i think the same thing happens with weed

yeah and then it like maybe is happening with like Molly or cocaine. And like those drugs are like, yeah, that's like pretty much on the cusp. Like maybe we should not be doing that. Right. And then for sure, heroin, crack. Like there is a point where the person saying like, guys, this is too much is right. But I think it's not at weed. But how do you know?

Like, how do you know what's the point where it's actually like where do cool people also say no to that yeah i had the exact same experience with um drugs when i was growing up right like hey this is not cool the next hardest drug is always seemingly the hardest drug right like zero to weed is the same as weed to whatever i don't know what's the what's the one above weed cocaine is it there's nothing in between weed and cocaine that seems like a big mushrooms oh the mushrooms are pretty intense too yeah what about adderall that's like a pill yeah that's true i think well maybe the difference is with cocaine and adderall you... This is another example of when I don't entirely know what I'm talking about, but this is like me working through it, right?

You can get addicted to cocaine and Adderall pretty easily. I don't think there's as much to say that you can get addicted to mushrooms and weed, though people do have it hmm are there aren't there like studies that say that you are that you don't really get addicted you don't have like the same type of reliance as you do on weed as you are on weed as you do with like alcohol right like there's no chemical addiction you can't be chemically addicted though i feel like you can find a study that says everything what we should really do is consult an expert, or at the very least, a Google search,

where I can only assume an expert has written an article. Right, but you can find articles on everything. Of course. Experts have a million different opinions. They get paid by Pfizer. They get paid by the government. Multi-trillion dollar pharmaceutical funded this study. Follow the thread all the way to the government. Multi-trillion dollar pharmaceutical funded this study.

Follow the thread all the way to the top and you know what? Follow the money, people. And you pull up the thread of the dollar bill. It's a tug-of-war. And you look up and uh-oh, what's the thread going straight into? Uncle Sam's ass.

I was going to say Obama's ear. Oh, very nice uh i think you don't have to like tell your friend that you're disgusted by her she probably feels your judgment more than you realize yeah especially because you already told her and you haven't texted her since so uh how about lightening up yeah man you're gonna get a little bit more chill on the matter. It's really weird when we talk about on this podcast about people being cooler with drugs. Yeah.

It seems like pretty bad advice. Right. But we're giving more realistic advice than like quote unquote good official advice. Yeah, that's true. Like you don't have to smoke weed, but as long as she's doing it semi-responsibly, like as responsibly as you can do a drug, I don't think it's really your place to be like, you're disgusting. Right.

I mean, you can always tell on her, tell her mommy or whatever. All right. That's what you do with all your friends, right? I got them all in prison. You narced them. You called the cops. You set up a sting operation. You wore a wire.

No reason. It was a thick black wire underneath my thin shirt. They saw it right away. So sheer. All right. Let's answer another query. Nice. This one's a little different.

This guy's asking a question about what he should do now that he just graduated from college. Okay. Do you have a name for him? Micah. Micah writes, I just graduated from college, and me and a buddy are looking to get out of the same state we've lived in all our lives, in the mid-Atlantic area. What are some great cities for young people to move to within a recent grad budget?

Y'all do a lot of traveling, so maybe you can lend some perspective. Second question. I have some money I'm looking to invest. I'm thinking about putting some in the Berkshire class B shares, but if you guys have any other suggestions about some stock picks, I'd love to hear something new i really enjoy the show thanks love micah huh so this guy wants to know where to live

and how to invest his money wisely i love how much he's trusting us yeah uh and we've got advice for this guy right at the very least we're more of an expert in the where to live situation. But I think we can offer some... Both of us have money in the market. We are playing the field. Obviously, you do need... Do you want to answer that question first or the city? Let's do cities first. Okay, because that's fun.

Yes. We love romanticizing cities. Oh, dude. Every single city we visit, I want to move to. You want to live there. Yeah. Let's go back and forth. I think we're going to have very similar favorite cities in america okay okay what would you say is your number one

uh or one of your number one options a guy's like i got no responsibility no family just me and my friend gonna move to a city where should i austin te, Texas. Austin, Texas. Great example. Weather is nice. I really, I put a premium on weather. Yeah. A lot of people don't give a shit. This guy's from the mid-Atlantic area. I assume that's probably one of the worst weathers you can be in. It's really, really hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter. Austin, very temperate, mild. Hot in the summer. but not like humid hot right right right right right um it's affordable yeah it's cheaper there than it uh in most big cities it's cool we go to austin we're saving money austin is very hip very cool and the people there are great yeah uh austin might be on like the decline you know like it used to be cool 10 years ago. Right. Now too many people are knowing about Austin.

Right. Maybe the secret's out on Austin. It's like now you've got to go to St. Paul or something. But I don't actually know about that. We don't know what the other cool. What another cool city is? Portland. Portland's really cool.

I love Portland. Yeah. Weather's also, it's a little iffy. It's wet. Yeah. If you don't mind the rain, we highly recommend it. Right. Portland's beautiful. Very affordable. northwest uh seattle also yeah i dig seattle seattle's nice

you're in the pacific northwest still a little rainier than portland a little more expensive but a bigger city definitely if you love that city vibe you like the city vibe now what about los angeles the city that we live in? Fuck it. No. Okay. Don't bother. All right. Orlando, Florida. Very nice.

Also, I may put New York above LA. New York City. Oh, yeah, because these people just graduated. Right. I know it's hard to imagine New York on a budget, but it exists. You could live in Brooklyn or Queens and do fine. So it's not prohibitively expensive. Poor people live in New York all over the place.

Yeah, my theory on New York, having lived there and LA, is that New York is great if you're really, really broke or really, really rich. Yeah. Because if you're broke, you just live in a shitty hole in the wall and eat like $2 slices of pizza. But you get to go to all those fun bars and clubs and it's just like, it doesn't. Everyone is poor with you. Yeah.

It's hard to have money in New York because it's so expensive. That's true. And it's also more fun when you're younger. Like I wouldn't recommend 30-somethings moving to New York for the first time. Right. It's a little more difficult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's physically taxing.

New York City city great example uh if you're looking for some budget options austin portland any others any other ones come to mind um i think i mean those are my top ones uh yeah is there anything that anything that comes to your mind the the midwest has some like cool cities cool college towns yeah but it's so fucking cold there in the winter right it hurts my bones yeah yeah that's true like we had a lot of fun in ann arbor and madison and to a lesser or a bigger city extent chicago right but we were never there throughout an entire yeah i never picture i never looked up i looked up real estate in seattle yeah portland and austin right i like legit wanted to move there problem is we're tied to this industry we can't live there there was a time when we could have

lived in port it's past now but remember we almost oh no i tried to convince you to live in austin right for like a couple months. Yeah, we almost did it. Seems like that's feasible. I think we could do, well, I mean, now it's pretty dumb because we have a year-long lease. We just live in this house. All right, second question. He has some money he's looking to invest.

And he has it in Berkshire Class B shares. You recently started putting your money in the stock market. Yes. So what have you learned in the last six months? Well, I always like to qualify everything I say with the fact that I'm pretty dumb. Right. But I did get advice to buy what I like.

So I just diversified. That's a good tip that you'll find everywhere. Right. Don't put all of your money. Yeah. diversified that's a good that's a good that's a good tip that you'll find everywhere right don't put all of your money oh yeah you don't want to you don't buy like all of the tesla stock that you can afford right you just buy a little bit of all this i bought a little bit of a bunch of stocks that i like so what what's an example of a stock that you purchased that i bought tesla starbucks home depot nike uh stuff like that Stuff that I serve, like places that I go to a lot.

North Face, REI. I don't know if I did either of those, but like things like that, products that I wear and use and stores that I shop at. And all of them made money. I think that's another thing. Like you kind of just want to have money in the market because it's either all going up or all going down. But it tends to, if you leave it in the market because it's either all going up or all going down. Yeah.

It tends to, if you leave it in there long enough, it tends to go up. If you just splash it around, it's like playing roulette. If you put money on all 36 numbers, it's going to hit. You're going to win some, you're going to lose some. But ideally, you're spreading it around so thin that... The only money I lost was in IAC. The company you used to work for. Yeah. Didn't you also invest in Alibaba, which is some Chinese Amazon? Oh, yeah, I did invest in Alibaba. I probably lost money there too, actually. All right. Here's two good tips and one bad one for

me. One, like you said, diversify, splash your money around. Two, there's something called robo investing now. Wealthfront, Betterment, Charles Schwab as called robo investing now wealth front betterment yeah uh charles schwab as a robo investor that's what we have our money in yeah you sort of i trust computers more than humans so they're like the computer programs written by smart humans to invest your money in a specific way you just give it all to that and then the computer does the rest they should be a podcast sponsor i feel like that would be a good podcast that's true You just give it all to that. And then the computer does the rest. They should be a podcast sponsor. I feel like that would be a good podcast sponsor.

That's true. And then here's one bad bit of advice. Invest in stocks that are at $100 right now. Because it'll be very easy to quantify your gains and losses. Oh, that is bad advice. Yeah. It's like, oh, I remember remember i bought all these stocks at 100 this one's at 85 but i mean like this one's at not one you don't have to do the math in your head the the sites that you invest like schwab tells me how much money i made and lost and how much i

bought it that i bought this one a house i bought this one a truck i bought this one a mall i bought this i think he said i bought this one a purse i bought this one a truck i bought this one a mall i bought this i think he said i bought this one a purse i bought this one a truck i bought this one a car i bought this one a mall i feel bad for the girl that just got a purse yeah hey drake did you i love my hermes bag let me just start off by saying that did you sorry did you buy somebody a westfield shopping center in toronto yeah that's where i got your purse from her asshole and you bought i'll take the truck i mean fuck what was that you bought one person a cadillac escalade and the other person a prius c and then uh another girl uh an 81 store shopping center complete with hot dog on a stick. And then somebody else got a polo bag for $88.

I feel like he's playing favorites. Drake is clearly playing favorites. But he has lots of friends, and he's got a lot of enemies. Got a lot of enemies. Every time he sees them, though, there's something wrong with their memory. Why is that?

I don't know. They're just trying to take it away from a drink. We don't believe it at all. All right. Let's take a break and come back with some less, well, how would you say that type of question was? Practical. Yeah, less practical question. Maybe people are interested in that type of thing.

That's true. We'd like to switch it up. Just like our portfolio, you have to diversify. Indeed. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments.

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Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. I ate a dove. When? It must have been while you were in Iceland. You ate a dove?

Six, yeah, six days ago. What restaurant serves doves? No restaurant. Where did you cook it? At home. I boiled the dove. How did you capture the dove? I purchased it on Craigslist. Was it a live dove? It was a live dove. And then how did you murder it when it got to the house? I strangled the dove and then i put it into a pot of boiling water you strangled it i strangled the in front of the the person you bought it from on craigslist i own this you gave them 75 they said all right take good care of it i don't have to take care of it i guess excuse me you said there's been money exchanged own the dove. There's a bird in my hand, and it's going to be worth two.

Very quickly, I assure you. I posted some Matt Damon stuff on our Facebook page, and people left some pretty funny comments in addition to the ones I posted. Oh, really? Yeah. So here's a few from our Facebook fan page. Facebook.com slash Jake and Amir if you're interested. Do you think Matt Damon ever presses a button to cross the street,

then looks at his phone for too long, misses his turn to walk for a couple seconds, then ends up having to half jog across the street because he doesn't want to piss off traffic? That one's from Kylar. That's really good. I don't think he's ever done that though uh when this one was one of my favorites warren writes when matt damon opens a newspaper does he ever open it a

little too far so that it folds towards you and nothing is ruined but it just adds a slight inconvenience for the correct way when you're done with the paper oh yeah i feel like matt damon has really tight folds yeah like that that like he can like, very nice crease, folds that page in half, maybe does the crossword. Oh, yeah. I could picture him just, like, effortlessly making it sort of into a third. Oh, yeah. He can hold it with one hand, sip a coffee. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And then, like, when it's time to turn the page, he, like, knows exactly how to get, like, story continued on D3. Like, he doesn't have to put pieces of the paper down on the ground. Oh, you think he could do a one-handed flip to D3? I don't think he does a one-handed... I think he puts the coffee down, unfolds, folds it, tucks, back to the coffee. And then he'll keep maybe an article that he likes in his back pocket. Oh, that's cool.

Sometimes he just has way too many articles that he likes right there's just there's newspaper ink all over his pants he's wearing white khakis has matt damon been writes has matt damon ever been hanging a picture and then he thinks it's level but when he steps back and he looks at it it's crooked and he has to keep adjusting and stepping back to look at it and he can't get it quite straight ever no of course he has a level yeah he nails it uh do you think matt damon has ever done the stair thing when he thinks there's another step but there isn't and then he stood at the foot of the stairs feeling confused and disoriented says callie yeah and then he sort of he's walking with someone he has to smile and say to them i thought there was another stale stare there uh and then he stutters just like i just did i thought there was another stale there uh yeah i mean there's a lot of funny ones do you

think matt damon has ever do you think matt damon has ever walked into a room forgot he was looking for and then just had to leave the room? Yeah. It wouldn't even, like, he stands there for a second too long. He's like, no, I'll think of it. Fuck it. No, I can't. The one I thought of was,

has he ever put his arm through the wrong sleeve of a jacket and then, like, reached for the other arm, but it's not there? Oh, yeah. I don't think Damon's ever done that. I don't think he's ever done that. You think he's ever, like, met up with somebody who's wearing a jacket and they have to, like, the collar from oh from his neck like he like he put it on in a haste yeah and sort of like the collar is just like tucked under into his shoulder yeah or maybe one of his collar and his shirt one of the collars button and the other

one isn't so his wife has to like fix that for him. We got a lot of tweets and posts about him having a ponytail. Yeah, that was a big deal. We sort of, we were hot on Damon before that hot Damon news came out. Yeah. Of course he can pull off the ponytail. Yeah, he's kind of the one guy that can do it. I like that he didn't try to do the, like if he was doing the man bun thing, I think everybody would have no respect. Like at least if he's gonna do it, he's committed.

It's a pony. Yeah. It's not a man bun. He's not trying to catch on to no respect. Like, at least if he's gonna do it, he's committed. It's a pony. Yeah. It's not a man bun. He's not trying to catch on to a trend. No, no. He's like, this is a classic look. And of course it's for a role. You have to know it's for a role.

He's never had long hair like that, though, right? No, I don't think so. Like, Tom Cruise, I can imagine having longer hair. Brad Pitt has had long hair. But Damon, with long hair but damon with long hair i'll watch that movie you know there's a matt damon movie coming out where he's like stuck on mars oh really yeah that's not interstellar no he's interstellar about someone being stuck on mars uh he's not not on mars but he's on he's stuck on another planet in interstellar did you

ever you never saw interstellar oh oh my god great matt damon cameo whoa he planet in Interstellar. You never saw Interstellar? Oh. Oh, my God. Great Matt Damon cameo. Whoa, he's in Interstellar? Yeah. Oh, wow. Now you want to watch it, don't you? I'm definitely going to see that scene. All right. Anything we have to promote?

Our show in Montreal, which I think is sold out, but I think you can get in with a pass. Buy a festival pass, because then you can see every show, not just our show. And there's a lot of, like, Chappelle is going to be there there so it's worth getting a pass not david but yeah yeah roger chapelle his his unrelated twin brother so he is related because he is uh and then we're also hosting two stand-up shows so if you like stand-up comedy we're going to be hosting two shows oh yeah so now that pass is looking mighty worth it you come to like three of our shows right it's called jflol and that's two on thursday two on friday and then we have that podcast on saturday we're hosting two and two yeah i don't know if i want to do that last time i said that you were also taken aback like you're not processing that information i'm

really not a long-term memory this is a memento i don't want to do that uh yeah uh i think it's the 23rd 24th and 25th are the three days between shows i'm sorry we have we they they're bringing us to montreal to host comedy shows yeah i just kind of wanted to do one show and then rage for three days yeah apartment 200 and we're also coming to Toronto in October. Yeah. There's a Just for Laughs there now. Is that one sold out? I think the show itself is sold out,

but again, you can get in with a festival pass. So check us out. I'm sorry. Check us out. I am starting to feel like, because the dove is not sitting well. Right. You ate the beak.

Yeah. I only ate the beak. Yeah. I only ate the beak. The dove didn't have to die. It was such a peaceful bird. One last question. This one's a classic relationship question. Love it. Got a name for this dude?

Dave. You know what I'm realizing? Sometimes we give these people names, but it never comes up. Yeah, that's true. It's like we don't have to. But it's good when we're giving advice. You can say, like, all right, listen here, Dave. Right. But I don't even know if we do that.

We don't. Hey, guys. Big fan. My name is Dave. Came up there. No, I forced it in. Oh, nice. My girlfriend of two years and I are both seniors in high school and will move to college in two months.

We both know better than to try long distance, so we're living with our own mortality. Although suddenly we've hit a roadblock. I assumed we would date until the end of summer, then go our separate ways. But she said that would be too painful. Instead, she would rather break up today. I really don't want to do this because then my summer will be ruined. I want to spend it with her. Is there a compromise here? Like, what should we do? I also suggested doing another month, but she said she can't handle knowing when our last time

together will be. This is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through being a white male grown up in the suburbs and it would be amazing to get your guys' advice. Good luck on the TV show and such. Thanks, Dave. Appreciate it, Dave. I think your girlfriend doesn't want to be with you anymore. That much is clear. It'll be too hard

for me to break up with you in the end of August. It's going to be the worst. Come here and give me one last hug. I don't want to know that I'm ever going to give you a last hug. Let's just assume we remembered what the give me one last hug. I don't want to know that I'm ever gonna give you a last hug. Let's just assume we remembered what the last hug was. That way I don't have to give you a final hug. It just sort of falls away from there. I love you, baby. Uh-huh. And I

loved you. Yeah. She's done. If you're thinking so rationally about the breakup, you can't schedule a breakup. Like, that's not how it works. Right. Like, if they were actually so into each other they would do the dumb thing of staying together long distance they seem to i think it's logical and smart to not want to do that right experience college it's a once-in-a-lifetime

thing you don't have to you're not tethered to anybody emotionally or physically agreed uh and then there's like this weird great gray period where it's like so should we break up now should we break up at the end of the summer it's all their relationship is over yeah but like if you like each other you would just kind of keep on dating until you were leaving and then like that's the that's when you break up it's so sad and funny that he's like how about a compromise july 28th that'll give me some time really really it will be too painful she's being so polite it'll be too painful to break up with you later let's get now my summer's gonna be ruined because i think she's thinking her summer's gonna be ruined

if you stay together because according to her her summer is gonna be awesome yeah i think you should embrace being single for the summer. Yeah. Chill with your boys. You got to look at the positive of the situation. I mean, it is sucky to be broken up with. I think she's trying to do it in like a very polite way, which is like, oh, maybe we shouldn't. Like, I think it was her idea not to stay together through college. Right.

And now it's like, oh, we might as well break up now, which is kind of true. If you are going to break might as well break up now which is kind of true like why if you are gonna break up then break up there's no there's no reason to be in a relationship that's going to be like stunted and like you can't progress it that much and then there's just this weird thing looming yeah it's like this sunday no one's taking the relationship that seriously anyway it's like hey baby let's see each other today like uh i guess i'll do that but like why does it matter? Right. Because we're breaking up.

Like if you're married or something and you find out your wife or husband is going to die. Break up. No, that's a little different. Why? Like, just leave her. Oh, you're a bad person. Because in your scenario, you're the one that's going to live, right? Of course. I'm going to live forever. I had the fucking dove. because in your in your scenario you're the one that's gonna live right of course i'm gonna live

forever i had the fucking dove i'm immortal today that's why you ate the dog absolutely i'm a peaceful immortal soul right now uh there's um fuck what was i gonna say about it too um i can't remember was it a song that it reminded you of um i think it was more like about if you are in a relationship that's and i really i'll never know i'll never know and that's the sad beautiful truth uh well this could sort of be taken into any context where it's like if i'm gonna if i have decided to break up with someone there's no reason to do it later even though it's come up before i'm like sometimes this is what this is i this is what i was going to say and it's related to that it's also like you guys

theoretically had a good relationship all through senior year and you don't want to deal with like this painful two-month breakup that's going to lead into college because that's going to sort of color the relationship in a bad way. You might as well be like, we had a good run. Let's go out on a high note. We're broken up now. And then like not deal with the pain of growing apart for two months. Saying goodbye. Right.

Yeah. So you should look, you should want to break up too. I already, I don't want people to think that i flip-flopped on my position of breaking up after that girl's exams i know that was a very uh hotly debated issue very much i do sometimes think it is worth delaying a little bit in general get it over with get it done get it uh make sure that it's happening immediately once you've decided to break up with somebody right um all right any last notes for this guy before uh like let's say you die before right next episode uh then i'd say stay strong you're the

man uh to my family i love you all very much. Split up my estate evenly amongst you all. Oh, so your dad and your mom and then all your siblings get the same? Equal. We should end every episode with our living will and testament just in case it's the last verbal recording of ourselves. Yeah, that's true. I'd like to leave all of my money to one relative to be determined with a wheel.

What? I want a lawyer to spin a wheel. That's so fucking cool. Turn it into a game of sorts. You have to specify like relative in like your immediate family or is there like a second or third cousin that might be end up on the, they should be on the wheel but in a very, very small. Oh, a thing.

Oh. So that like, you're that way. Okay, so this is what I'll do. I'll do roulette. It's kind of like the NBA lottery. This is what i'll do i'll do roulette it's kind of like the nba lottery this is what i'll do i'll do the nba lottery ping pong balls with a four digit combination all right some people have 25 of the permutations some people have 10 five all the way down to one and a half one and a half is a random fan that i'll choose at the end of this podcast that's fun yeah and then they'll get in the room room and the balls will like spin off and then it'll come down two, nine, four, six.

And then you'll look, okay, who has that code? Who has that permutation? Exactly. And then I'll be like, oh, my mom. Oh, my daddy. Oh, my brother. Oh, my other brother. Or then I'll be like cousin, niece, niece, sister-in-law, sister-in-law.

We don't have to. Down to friend. Maybe you could be on there. I'd like that. I just want, I really, I'll take the smallest sliver, but I really want a piece of that. It'd be such a sad moment, but like everybody sort of wants to be chosen.

Right. Everyone's like, it's still a fucking game. I want to turn it into a game. I want that to happen at the funeral. Right. Cool. So let that be known. If you have your own questions,

please email us to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com If you have your own theme song submission, we start and end every episode with a live, not a live, with a recorded theme song made by one of our fans. That opening one was by Russ Wolf. And this closing one is by a 14

year old named Vincent in Austria. Cool. Imagine that. I think I'm describing Beethoven after he recorded his first symphony. We also want thumbnail submissions, so send those to Facebook Art for Us, ifireashow, gmail.com for everything. Thanks to everybody who's listened to this. We'll be back next week. Cheese, Tinder talk. All that is covered on the podcast.

So get an email out to them. If I were you, it's email.com. Thank you.