Segments - 163: Ugly Hot

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

In this episode we discuss inner beauty, outer beauty, and long distance relationships. This episode is brought to you by BespokePost.com, NatureBox.com, and MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Helping lives improve If they were you Here's what they'd do If I were you If I were you Show.com Yeah! Don't just look at me like that. I want to be able to think that your yeah was part of the song

it was it was that was like a hawaiian chill vibe sort of calypso jack johnson meets john mayer meets john lennon meets lennon parham meets thomas lennon meets Thomas the Tank Engine meets Thomas Middle Ditch meets everything all rolled into one Calypso Breeze. Meets Meat. Meets the Deedles, a movie that came out in 1997. That was written, not the movie, the song was written and performed by Tommy Doughty. Tommy Doughty. And if you are doubting that he can sing, you'd be wrong.

Nice. Thank you. He's from Canada, which explains a lot. Because he said sorry a bunch in his email. Yeah, he was apologetic a lot. So thanks, Tommy, for writing that theme song. Still getting a lot of theme songs. This is episode 163.

Wow. So we've probably had over 300 theme songs at this point. Pretty chill. Uh, each one better than the last, which is pretty exciting. So that one is the best one we've received so far. Cause it's the last one we heard.

Exactly. Can you remember a theme song? Like another theme song? Yeah. The, uh, Carly Rae Jepsen parody comes to mind. Uh huh. The, ray jepsen parody comes to mind uh-huh the uh eminem parody comes to mind right any of rigs um uh my little sisters oh yeah comes to mind

a lot of things come to mind actually more than anything they've come to my mind my original theme song my first theme song what was that one if i? If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show starts now. That was your contribution. Which honestly wasn't needed, nor was it deserved, nor should you have done it. All in all, you shouldn't have done that. You are unearned, undeserved, unwarranted, and unwanted. But if you have your own theme song, please keep sending them in. We actually get more than we can use.

We have an embarrassment of riches. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed of how many songs we have. And I'm proud of how rich I am. At least my daddy is. What? I don't have a lot of money, but my daddy does. So why are you happy?

My father buys me everything i need motherfucker why are you stop standing so tall when you say that i'm a little proud you're too you're a lot proud you're a little too proud i guess i'm a little too proud but i don't think there's anything wrong with that i'm happy that my father provides for me i guess it's fine be grateful don't be happy not much to be grateful about absolutely there is no that would only be if i didn't deserve the money i was born to a rich man does that make me a bad person i don't think so so many things you say aren't true like you can only be grateful for things you don't deserve yeah like a sunny day oh i'm so grateful it's sunny out it could have

gone either way yeah but my dad has money and i better get it so i'm not really grateful i'd be actually pretty pissed if he didn't give me money i another wrong idea i'm actually a little mad thinking about it i'm gonna venmo request him every once in a while i don't i call my mom i say how's it going but i keep in touch with my dad through venmo requests so like what happens like i'll request him uh a thousand dollars and it'll be, you know, the little like for what, for you could write in a kale salad. Oh, yeah. Like what? The memo.

A cable bill or something. I just write in a little bag of money with the wings. You say, for me, because I need it. For my love, you'll buy it. Oh, so whenever you say something bad, you sit up really tall and stare at the ceiling. I guess. I know. I'm telling you. At least tilt the microphone up towards you.

Yeah. It's not hitting your mouth. I'm also sort of trying to make my mouth really small. Yeah. You're trying to become a little angel my daddy's little angel uh so what is this this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake we will email us their their questions they need our advice and we do our best to offer it on this here program sometimes it's just us two and today it is well kobe's here as always kobe mr bryant have a seat at least sit down

that was him bouncing a basketball just dribbling in the corner all right yeah cool well good on you uh all right let's uh let's start answering questions i got a pretty interesting one from a teenage boy okay who i also think is from canada a canadian teenage boy canadian shall we call him someone who's famous in Canada? Mike Myers writes, Hey guys, I'm a teenage boy who just found out their dad has been reading all the messages I've been sending my girlfriend, as well as all the ones she sent to me. She lives a couple hours away, so our main mode of communication is by text. Normally I text her on a crappy Samsung phone, so there's no real issue.

But since we've been out of the country for a couple weeks, I've had to use iMessage on my iPod. Apparently, my dad hooked up his iPad to my iPod over the iCloud, and he's been seeing and reading them all, as I found to my horror when I was unplugging to plug mine into the charger. He doesn't know that I know yet, so how should I confront him about it i mean i'm still pretty young so we've never even talked about relationships although my girlfriend has visited before since what i've been sending is our private property i think what he's doing is wrong what should i do thanks mike myers what should I do? I followed up with this guy. Really?

I asked him how old he was. Okay. Because I think there's a difference if you're a young teenager or an old teenager if your dad is reading your text messages. I would say if he's 14, it's fine. If he's 16, it's not. Oh, what about 15? 15's the cutoff. 15's borderline.

He's 16. Not okay. Really really i don't think it's okay uh there's another way to think about it that if you're not an adult yet 18 years old you're your parents property you still are entitled to privacy true but what i guess what he's doing is not illegal but it would you say it's amoral? It's bad parenting. You think so? I would say it's bad parenting to violate your kid's trust like that. Reading your kid's text message. At age 14, you can read.

I don't know. I guess I imagine I would probably do it, too. I would do it in a much more wholesome, like if they left it out, I'd scroll a little bit. Right. You couldn't help it. Yeah. I wouldn't go to the lengths to spy on my child but maybe he's not going through lengths it's just a popping up on his eye well

there's a world where that just happens because of iMessage yeah yeah i think that is with these iMessage i don't know where the hell my messages are going anymore right like they pop up on ipads they pop up on computers they pop up on my phone right they pop up on computers, they pop up on my phone. Right. There's a chance that your dad didn't do this just to spy on you, and that it's just, like, linked to the iPad. And now he's just reading it. He's, like, linking all the accounts. But maybe he's not even reading it. Maybe they're just coming in. I don't think a dad has that much willpower that he's like, ooh, these iMessages are coming in with me and my son

and his girlfriend, and I'm not going to read them. Let's say he is spying on him. Would you say you can confront your father at age 16? I don't know. It'd be really hard. I feel like I would probably just disconnect them from the iPad or something. Right. And just like, you know, you don't really ever mention what happened but dad would probably feel like he got caught the damage was done you don't confront it anymore right i think what you shouldn't do is like freak out because when you're 16 your parents don't respect your opinions yet you're just a teenager to them so i think you have to like if you want to bring it up you have to like try to be as mature as possible.

Like, sit down with your father and be like, hey, dad, listen, man, I know you've been reading my iMessages. That's not cool. And then it's like this dad for the first time, like, feels like he's. It's so weird for. You're getting confronted by a teenager. Instead of just like, what the fuck are you doing, dad? Then it's like he can dismiss it as you're being crazy. It depends on, like, how this kid acts all the time.

If he, like, it really bothers him, he should just act the opposite of what he usually does. Like if he's usually cool and mature and calm, then he should freak out. Because his dad will be like, wow, I've never seen my kid freak out like that. Or if he freaks out all the time, then he should have a nice, somber conversation. I'm disappointed in you, daddy. Yeah. But I don't know. I think there's a huge chance that the dad is just like yeah i bought your ipod

i bought the ipad you're mine so i can really pretty much do what i want with you uh you're an eye son to me but there's also a world where he's like yeah i don't care about the dumb messages you're sending your you're like 15 year old long distance girlfriend i think they're like dumb and funny i think they're dumb and funny that's the saddest thing you could say to someone who's going through his first serious relationship right but i mean like there isn't there a possibility that the dad none of this means as much to the dad as it does to the kid yeah not the possibility that is what it is right that's happening. Right. So like your dad is probably just, he's got this like sort of curiosity about it.

Right. But it's not like he's like, oh my God, I really want to know like how intense this relationship is. Right. He's not like snooping. The fact of the matter is though

that he did violate your privacy. You just say, hey, I don't like that this happened. That seems like a hard level in parenting. Can you stop doing that that how do you decide when to stop snooping on your child because there's a level that you just always want to continue doing it right you said at age 14 do it and at age 15 stop it uh no i i don't think i guess i think it's always relatively you know give them some semblance of privacy and space but i think it's like i if this kid was like old enough to be like actually sexting with his

girlfriend then i think it's like actually fucked up right because then the dad's like this would be a good question for your mom like when did she stop snooping on you right i mean i'm sure she must have snooped on i do, there was never a time when, like, she would find things in my drawer or anything. But every once in a while, there would be something like, oh, the cleaning lady said she found this. And I'd be like, oh, no, Anna, our cleaning lady, is, like, catching me out on all this. Like, she found a condom. And now I think about it. I'm like, oh, actually, maybe that was just my mom yeah don't you think of it we didn't have a cleaning lady yeah that was the

first clue uh yeah so what would you do you would just disconnect it not mention it i think so yeah that's what i would do i guess i'll i'll say the same just just take it away and see if he says anything and he can't say anything because then he's going to admit to reading them. It's the thing. You took away the thing that he's snooping. He can't be like, oh, I was snooping. How did you do that? Do you know how to disconnect that stuff?

Like your messages come to your phone or to your computer still, do they? Yeah, but I turn them on to do that. I think you would like to just go into the preferences and i message uh so apple system preferences um i think you launched the general preferences i messages preferences ad account bonjour is inactive i message and then click on enable this account. Oh, and you're getting his text now. Oh! How is this possible? Alright, cool. Some real technical advice.

Do you want to read another question? Sure. If I were you If I were you Oh yeah, that was one of them. I'd tell you what i would do if only i were you show.com um oh this one's fun it's from a lady let's let's give her another oh this is a lady from england oh what's a famous british lady a famous a dame like oh a dame judy or a dame edna very nice yeah or or or a dame uh uh helen muren who helen muren yeah

helen muren writes hey guys so i I found myself in somewhat of a pickle. A conundrum, if you will. I'm 19 and in my first relationship. Until now, I pretty much refused anything more than a casual one-night stand with anyone because I'm shit scared of commitment. And I'm definitely punching above my weight with this gorgeous

man specimen. The only problem is he's really good friends with this girl. I cannot stand. He's made comments about her body saying things like she has this ideal body type and saying that I could exercise a bit more to look like her. On top of this, both my friends and his come up to me and ask me how I'm okay with him being that close to her, especially since she makes it pretty obvious that she's super into him. All my boyfriend and I do together is sleep and fuck, which was great until this girl came along, and now I'm starting to wonder if he's not as happy with me as he is with her.

So should I just back down and get out of the way of what would probably be a great relationship between them? Because what I really want to do is tell this bitch to back the f off but i don't want to look like a paranoid jealous girlfriend that i really am inside lots of love from england helen moran hmm uh i guess i would break up with him because he told you to exercise that's it an exercise an exercise comment you're like this is over i think he is being gross and manipulative so yeah i would probably just dump him all right what if you were dating someone who was super hot a super attractive lady uh and the trade-off sounds about right so far the trade-off was that she was very mean to you always so all she was is during the day mean to you but then you would basically sleep with her and then uh sleep i guess sleep with her both

in the metaphorical way and then a regular way. I wouldn't date that person. Would you try to sleep with them as much as possible before you broke up? No, I just have to sleep with them once and then I will be good. You've defeated that level. I just like to see what it's like. What if the sex is so great? Can sex be so great that it outweighs her being mean to you? Why do I have to make her my girlfriend? I couldn't just have sex with her sometimes uh because she's like i'll only i'll only sleep with somebody that i'm in a relationship

with right i guess like the sex couldn't be so good that it would be better than sex i would have with other people who might like me so i would probably still yeah not so it's never worth it uh no uh but like i mean i have sex with people i dislike all the time so i'm not like above that but i just wouldn't like really commit to a relationship with somebody i didn't like or who didn't like me oh that's yeah you you can commit to a relationship with someone you don't like just as i do that all the time yeah just the problem is when when they don't like you yeah yeah that's when you can't have that anymore especially because they don't like you. Yeah. Yeah, that's when you can't have that anymore. No.

Especially because they don't like you anymore. Right. Well, if they're mean to you. Yeah. So why don't, hey, lady, why don't you get out now? Although she's, is that just letting this other girl win? Well, it's not like the only thing standing in the way of this relationship. We don't know how that other girl feels about the dude.

Right, but it seems like she said that it seems like she's super into him. I think make your own decision. You don't have to think about their relationship. Make your own decision based on how you feel about this guy, not how he might feel about this girl and how she might feel about him. If you are unhappy with this dude, then you can break up with him. If you're unhappy only because you are secretly jealous of this girl, then maybe you could just mention that to him. Say, hey, that girl makes me feel jealous. But do it in a tactful, nice way that doesn't make you sound like you're paranoid.

Does she have a gripe with the girl? I guess I don't think so. Can she be mad at the girl? Can you be mad at a guy that's going after your lady? It's all kind of irrational, isn't it? That girl didn't necessarily do anything, but jealousy just makes you hate that person. I think you should probably recognize that those feelings that you have aren't genuine hatred.

They're more, like, inside you. And if anything, your boyfriend is being the shitbag because he's the one that's, like, feeding into the jealousy. By saying, like, you could look like her if you exercised. He probably knows that he's making you a little jealous. Right. So, I don't know it sounds like a pretty fucked up situation your boyfriend kind of sucks but god damn it he's a gorgeous specimen would you say attractive dudes are worse people than unattractive dudes no there's

plenty of awful ugly guys too oh so you can be ugly and also mean right that's the worst you could be yeah ugly and mean ugly inside and out is pretty bad yeah that's as bad as it gets but like also being hot on the outside and really ugly on the inside is pretty bad too because you can use your powers for more evil things i think right if you ugly and mean, you're just sort of sad of you. Yeah. But if you're hot and mean. You can like infiltrate and really take things down from the inside. You'll be a virus.

You attach yourselves to people and drag them down with you. Ugly, ugly is like a cold. Hot, ugly is a cancer. Oh, I see. And so ugly, ugly is almost good because it's like two negatives. Yeah, it's like you bump up to an ugly, ugly and you're like, get the fuck away from me. And, you know, it's like they don't really affect you too much. But hot ugly is like, hey, come here.

And then like, oh, no, you're hurting me from the inside. That's no good. Well, what about ugly hot? Ugly. Oh, ugly on the outside, hot on the inside. Well, that's not anything. That's nice. That's just like, it's a little tough for the ugly hot person.

I think that's what a lot of people are, is ugly on the outside, hot on the inside. I think that's the ideal. No, the ideal is hot, hot. Of course. Fucking idiot. But I think second best is... Guess which one I am, motherfucker. Hot, ugly.

The one that you said was the worst no douchebag i'm actually a good person yeah it's oh fuck off with that sounds like you're mean to me um so in this this punnett square we've created don't be don't be hot ugly and don't be ugly so let's rank them best hot hot second of course it's the best obviously that means you're hot and you're good second best ugly hot you're ugly hey but at least that's genetic you got hot you got a hot heart you're heating what you can control if you're ugly ugly, I'm sorry, you're four foot two and balding. That's the lot you were dealt.

You can't change that. You can always exercise, though. Yeah, you can be buff. So you can be four foot two, bald, but pretty stacked. Yeah, like cut. You can be cut in that. You can always be cut in that uh you can always be cut worse than that would you say is uh what's oh is worse oh no worse than that is ugly ugly yep ugly on the outside ugly on the inside you're

a you're a bad looking objectively bad looking human and then also in addition to that you are a person you're a meanie you've let it affect you. An ugly meanie. Uh-huh. And then the worst of all. Hot ugly. Which is? The dichotomy. Genus species homo erectus. The outer truth with the inner lie.

The candy that is poison on the inside. Yes, the apple with the razor blade. Nobody's going to eat a cactus because it looks dangerous. That's fine. You can be a cactus. But you will eat a poison strawberry, won't you? That's right. You look sweet, but

uh-oh. Now I've got ringworm. Yeah, uncooked chicken. Well, that doesn't look good on the outside. Okay, so cooked on the outside, raw on the inside. There it is. And suddenly you have giardia. I see. Yep, three to four weeks.

You are a giardia man. This girl dates a giardia man. Pumpkin, you're dating a dillweed. Well, what are you playing with there? Okay. It's a little game. It's actually kind of fun. How many times in a row can I hit this top bar with it? Okay. It's a little game. It's actually kind of fun. How many times in a row can I hit this top bar with it?

Okay. One, two, three. I could probably do it forever. There's a clip on the mic stand and you just flick it up. Flick it a wrist. Yeah. Y'all has got to come over and see this game. It's actually, I missed.

Shit. All right. Let's actually, I missed. Shit. All right. Let's take a quick break now. Oh, wait. What should she do? Leave. Go away from the hot ugly. Hot ugly is the worst one.

So scram. Scram. Buddy. Let's take a break. Thank a few more sponsors. Then we'll be back with more. If I was, I shit,

we should change the name of the show. You're right. If I was, I, if I was, I, if I was, I quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.

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per new customer non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings today or we're releasing this. I shouldn't say today. You can listen to it at your own pace. We're releasing this on Monday, July 20th. We're coming to Montreal this week. Montreal! Montreal, oui.

Je m'appelle Amir. Je m'appelle Amir. Fromage, fromage. Oui, bonjour. J'ai un bon sens fromage, s'il vous plaît. And people are discarding their tickets. They're all on StubHub. Oh, my God. We're going to be hosting comedy shows on Thursday and Friday,

and then also doing a live podcast on Saturday. I'll put all that information up on ifireyoushow.com because it's a lot to take yeah but uh the best thing you can do is just get a badge for the just for laughs comedy festival see a whole ton of shows and uh as long as you get there early enough you can get into ours as well i think individual tickets to our show is sold out but you can get in with that that hall pass get it on that pass dog uh which is the same for our october show in toronto toronto uh you can still get in with our festival pass do we have any other

shows not none that we can announce yet yeah but we're hoping to come we're hoping to come back to new york city to the east coast yeah the. Exactly. The home of our very first live podcast. Which was where? Oh, back when it was just me, you, six people in the crowd, everyone's confused, janitor locking up. First time I ever got drunk on stage.

And now I do it a lot. Now it's a problem. Now it's an issue. Shout out to, let's just say our subreddit great great community of fans over there if you haven't checked it out reddit.com slash r slash jake and amir r slash jake and amir um jake also has a really i think thought-provoking instagram account no i really do think it provokes thought dude let me is that can i do would it be a disservice for me to load it right now and just

say the thoughts that i have a show to host me you asked me to do this instagram.com there it is don't oh come on dude all right um so don't do not right off the bat there's a picture of your buddy mike in a field of flowers that is to say that it provokes thought is so interesting like i guess i it's i'm thinking for sure what is art what is art it's it's relative asymmetrical like i wouldn't have chosen this filter or the framing but like i would have divided it exactly in half it looks a little just it is not it looks uneven in half it is exactly now because it's like not even two-thirds it's sort of oh you mean the lower it's lower yeah that was a choice i know and i'm saying i do know that it was a choice but i think it was an incorrect choice it was not an incorrect choice you want to do second picture

you want to do all fields second you don't want to do half and half to get a little wide open sky yeah you want to do half and half so what are you do half and half. To get a sense of the wide open sky? Yeah. You want to do half and half? Oh, wide open sky. So what, you get a sense of all the earth? I don't think so, dude. Yeah. You do just a bed of flowers and a wide open sky. Infinite possibilities.

Fuck off. You're wrong. What else you got? Second picture. Mike again. I wouldn't go back to back with the same subject. Oh, yeah? You got to have a little variety.

You're not a true artist if you don't have a muse, baby. This picture is way too dark. All right. If we're doing this, I gonna upload your instagram i'm gonna check out your instagram real quick he's wearing a hat so you can't really see there's this top light it's too shady i don't even know what he's holding in his mouth here one of his arms is lit the other is not mike is an artist he's an artiste he's an auteur he's a cinematographer he would never allow this i can see for a fact he would not put a picture like this up. It's completely uneven.

It's completely unintentional. It's unnecessary. It's unpopular. All right, your last picture is a screenshot of a seamless web order. Okay. All right. Before, you have two pictures of your own face in your last six. Oh, three pictures in your last seven.

Or your last eight, sorry. It's disgusting. It's deplorable. It's a shout out to yourself. It's a TBT. Oh, wow, here's one picture of you with two pictures of your own face in it. Where? Well, that's a before and after.

It was me at age 18, at age 31 it shows the transition of time i think it's kind of interesting to look at one subject really in one shot interesting here's a picture of you here's a picture of you with a tattoo here's a picture of you kissing a lady here's a picture of your feet of me kissing a lady yeah where. Where? At that wedding. Oh, yeah. That was my chick, man. That was your main squeeze that night. You're shit, man. You're shit, mate. Absolutely.

You're shit. Your Instagram's gone downhill, Blumenfeld. You overpost. They're all pictures of your own face. You overpost and you underdeliver. I'm sorry uh to my hold on this is so petty like why am i even bringing this up i do apologize to my 43 000 followers and to and i'm sure they appreciate it they appreciate that and i I also want to give a shout out to your 34,000 followers.

All right. And to the 9,000 of you that follow me and not Jake, Toda, namaste to you. I like you all if you're listening to follow me on Instagram and show Amir who's got the more thoughtful Instagram, who spends a little more time with their filters, and who doesn't just willy-nilly post screenshots of their seamless web orders? That was a joke.

I told a story. You're a joke. Your entire account is a joke. Jesus, man. At Jake Hurwitz on Instagram and Adam here. If y'all ain't part of the game, please join us. You know what I did recently? I made my account private. Why?

I don't know. I wanted to see what it would do. So now you have to ask request to follow me. Really? Yeah. I don't know how long it'll last but it's kind of interesting personally vetting every single person that tries to follow me. It also keeps people who are lurking

who never followed me and sort of forced them into requesting. Oh, that's interesting. I opened up a public museum and then I started charging for it. So you're trying to stop people who just sort of search. Yeah, casually.

They're like, oh, I'm trying to see this. Yeah, now it's like, oh, who are you? It's a real game, Blumenfeld. Everything's a game to you my art's for free i don't do it for the followers i agree it is worth nothing it is worthless it is free sunsets are free too but you know it's not free a fucking rad ass ferrari and for me to have that and for you to drive a you drive a mazda six how dare you no one can know that that was for you uh all right let's let's get to one last question after that emotional catharsis uh oh there's an is another lady that i followed up with this lady is from texas how about a famous texan

dolly parton yeehaw let's see where dolly parton is from oklahoma is it oklahoma tennessee shit born in tennessee let's see if i can guess someone who was born in Oklahoma. Is it Oklahoma? Tennessee. Shit. Born in Tennessee. Let's see if I can guess someone who was born in Texas. Annie Oakley? Annie or Oakley? Ohio. Whoa, I was way off. This is just where they were born.

Okay, I got one. Yeah. Barbara Bush. Whoa. Whoa. Barbara Bush was born in new york city fuck me uh that was a good guess thank you laura bush oh fuck of course midland texas fuck you dude fuck you for the alley oop i was gonna say laura bush lebron james slam one down and then look to his teammate who Fuck you, dude. Fuck you for the alley-oop. I was going to say Laura Bush. Does LeBron James slam one down and then look to his teammate who passed it and say, fuck you?

Emotionally, yeah, kind of. All right. Laura Bush writes, Hello, Jake and Amir. First off, would like to say how much I like your show. Thank you. With that being said, I need some help. I recently took a trip out to L. to LA with my cousin and his family. As luck would have it, I met a

pretty nice guy on my last day there. My last day! Ugh. Anyway, we met up for a couple of drinks and talked for a few hours and ended up having a pretty good makeout session. Okay, a very good makeout session. But eventually I had to go, needing to finish up packing and getting ready for my trip back home. When we left, we kept discussing things and kept in touch. And we've recently texted a few times back and forth since then. But the question is, is it completely delusional to think that this could go anywhere? We only spent a few hours together and now there are three states between us it seems like this type of situation doesn't tend to end well i know you guys have

discussed long distance relationships before but any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated thank you laura bush then i emailed her back and i asked some follow-up questions how old are you how old is she how old is he what state do you live in how did you meet him because i want to know like how do you meet someone is this something you're starting to do emailing people back i guess so it happened twice in this episode because i had some questions uh how do you meet someone when you're in la as you're leaving and she says i'm 27 and i live in texas he's 30 unfortunately the way we met is pretty boring I was standing outside of a restaurant waiting for my family, and he asked if I knew the time because his phone had died.

I let him know, and he thanked me and asked where I was from, saying that he was blown away by how nice I was being and that I seemed very genuine so that I couldn't be from L.A. It seemed like a stretch since he only asked me for the time, but he was cute, so I agreed to have a drink with him. Thanks for responding. That's pretty cool. He he got a date he's a real smooth operator after asking someone for the time oh he's a real smooth criminal oh nice same thing uh so what do you think should she entertain this or just cut it off of course it's not like nothing's really gonna happen but maybe she'll have sex with him one day maybe one day if you're lucky you'll fuck like maybe she'll be back here maybe he'll

be there like something will happen if you guys stay in touch and if you stay liking each other but it doesn't seem like you always idealize people in this situation this is the best he'll ever be you had one awesome three-hour session with him yeah i kind of part of me thinks that like guys that are that good at talking to people and like getting a date like he that's pretty much what he's good for i don't think he's gonna he would be a good maybe i'm i'm definitely speculating too much you're saying he's hot ugly i think he might be hot ugly which is fine it's cool to make out with him you could even have sex with them if you want but i feel like if you're that smooth if you're like that you go up to somebody because your phone's dead and then end up making out with them yeah you're like i that must mean he probably

is a little bit of an asshole he's got to be at least a little slimy do you see some of yourself in him is that why you're so sure no i never do anything like that. But you're like, this guy's so charming, he must be bad on the inside. I think, no, no, I don't see any of myself in a guy like this. I'm a different kind of bad. He's sort of a charming kind of scary guy to get involved. He's a snake oil salesman. He's a con artist, a matchstick man. I think that's what it is.

But I also don't want to judge too much i think she's asking just if we if we think she's delusional for seeing a future with him and yes but that is there is no real good future with this guy would you say that for anybody that met after one date that there's no future like why is there no future with this guy because they live in texas. This guy probably just hangs out outside that restaurant with a dead phone all the time. Oh, dead phone Sammy? Yeah. Let me guess. He asked you for the time. Just actually, just press the little circle button. Yeah. See, there you go. It was off. It's never dead. You notice he's also wearing a watch. That's actually a good game right there. Do you know what time it is?

Great. Awesome icebreaker. Right. But what about the few times that this does end up in a loving relationship? It's funny. You're supposed to be the romantic and I'm supposed to be the pragmatic one. But you're saying, don't go for it. You guys don't live in the same city.

And I'm like, oh, maybe it's worth the risk. Even if it's one in a thousand, isn't it worth? Because the actual potential reward is a lifetime of having this guy in your life who might be your soulmate. Yeah, but if you're being practical, then you're telling her to write off every single guy that she lives closer to and could have like an actual connection with. So why don't you pursue this guy while still pursuing other guys. Go for this guy, but don't shut yourself off. You don't have to be exclusive with this guy. You just have to like, you know,

pretend like it's an open relationship. See him if you can. If you don't, you have other guys in Texas. Don't close off yourself from other opportunities. But this kind of thing is always like you're looking at it through rose-colored glasses. Actually, I do. I got rose-colored glasses. Yeah, I do. I got rose-colored glasses.

Yeah, they do not look good. You look like a weird flower child. Circular pink roses lenses. Why? Because you're saying if you are investing any time and energy in this, then you're not fully committed to... I don't even think it's about fully committed. It's just kind of pointless.

What are you going to... You're going to like... Yeah, you're shutting yourself out from other things because you're thinking about somebody that lives in California that you met once. Right. I understand because I've been there, but not to any avail. I'll tell you that right now. It's almost like if you buy a lottery ticket in California, don't quit your job in Texas. Right. Like, it's cool to

think about it like enjoy this romanticized vision that you have like think about him fantasize about about him cool totally but what about texting him that's fine too i just don't think it's ever going to really materialize into anything except for maybe like a little tryst or a fling well that could be fun too totally but then why subject yourself to a uh a flight back to la or an la flight back for him to texas won't that just get you deeper and deeper into this relationship or will be like cathartic to like finally fuck now like since you've been thinking about it so much and the sex won't be as good as you built it up in your head and you'll go home and you'll say you know what that guy was not all I cracked him up to be, but I'm glad that I saw him again.

Is it just a guy thing that's like, oh, once we had sex, my interest level is much lesser. Do girls also go through that experience? I think it depends on the sex. It depends on the gender. Or it depends on the sex that you had. So if the sex is great, both parties will want more. Yeah.

It would be nice to actually talk to somebody who studies this kind of thing in the different genders but it kind of seems like uh if the sex is good like even if the sex is good the guy can still disconnect but then it's harder for the girl to yeah like all these stereotypes i wonder if any of them are true or is it just offensive to think any of them are real but what if some of them are real is it i thought it was like a biological fact that like women when they have an orgasm, they release some sort of like chemical that makes them feel bonded to someone

and guys don't. But I don't know if like that was just some dumb GQ article that I read or if it's a fact. Right. So that's why I'm saying that like if the sex is really good and like both people have an orgasm, then it's like harder for uh the woman to disconnect so if i were you what would you do text try to see this lady or guy one more time or i would yeah

probably like go hard at trying to fuck them once and then and then kind of be done with it uh i would i would i would also see it through it might be fun to have one or two more activities with this dude, but don't actually close yourself off from anything that's happening in Tejas. Yeah, I'm with that. Or you could just move to L.A. for him. Like, next time you see him, you have a bag. You have a packed bag. Right, yeah, don't do that.

Also, it's interesting that she said she went to L.A. with her cousin and his family. Isn't that your family? With my cousin and his mom. With my cousin and his aunt. Isn't that your family? With my cousin and his mom. With my cousin and his aunt, which is my mom. I went to LA with my cousin and his aunt. All right. Thanks for writing in, Laura Bush.

And thanks for writing in everybody else. That email address, if you have your own questions, is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. That's also the email address if you have theme song submissions, we're also still needing Facebook image thumbnails for all you visual artists out there.

Ideally in a 600 by three 15 resolution, but we will take what we can get. Thank you for listening to this show. Thank you for enjoying this program. Thank you for occasionally telling your friends about it. And we'll be back next Monday. Every week. Forever. Bye. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Shit!

The closing theme song. The opening one was written by Tommy Dowdy, and this closer was written by Carl. So thank you, Carl. Good night. I think you got problems it's a podcast show made by two cool dudes yeah it's if i were you. You got problems, send them to Jake and Amir at If I Were You. It's a podcast show made by two cool dudes. Yeah, it's if I were you.