Segments - 164: Stinky Pets

Episode Date: July 27, 2015

In this episode we discuss turtles, threesomes, and The Bachelor. This episode is brought to you by BetaBrand.com and CreditKarma! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I Were You is a show that helps you know what to do. Maybe if you like it, you'll stick around for a while. Settle in and grab a snack. Make yourself feel comfortable. Jakey and Amir gonna learn you something. Make you smile.

If I were you, the podcast show. Ba-boing, boing, boing. Ba-boing, boing, boing. Do you know what that instrument is? Yes. What is it? I do know what it is. Really? Yeah.

The spring flute. That's close. He wrote it in the email. He says, I wrote you a theme song, Matt Gilroy, by the way. Thank you, Matt. Matt wrote, I wrote you a theme song song 33 because i wanted to use the jaw harp in something jaw harp i now that you say it yeah it does make a lot of sense that it would be called that at first i loved that at first i read it as jew harp that is just any harp that you play yeah

which is all of them look at this instrument i did a Google image search for jaw harp. It looks like a metal vagina. That's cool. With like a little metal floss coming out of it that I bet does the boing boings. Boing boing boing boing. Yeah, I dig that. You know, I've invented a good amount of instruments in my day as well. Nice, man. I've invented...

Not asking what you invented. I'm not even going to go down that road because I know for a fact you didn't invent it the face guitar and what's that? it's when you tape floss from your forehead to your chin and the area in between sort of acts as the hole of the guitar and you flick your tongue

the hole of the guitar what does the hole of the guitar do? I just like if you're good at inventing instruments it adds resonance dick all right so that's one instrument yeah you said you invented many instruments yeah the toe drum so these are just different parts of your body that you what do you what's the toe drum? The toe drum is when you wrap your... Sounds like you're inventing it right now. No, I'm not.

You saran wrap your feet. And what results is this percussive, but it's like a sort of a dense thud. So it'll sound like this. That's not a dense thud. You're clapping. It does sound a lot like a clap to the untrained ear i also invented an ear drum not what it sounds like we're born with those uh all right thanks thank you matt gilroy

uh much appreciated um this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake people will email us if i were you show at gmail.com they're in difficult places sticky situations in their lives and we do our best we do our darndest to try to advise these people out of their terrible places we're we always do a good job and that's why people listen we always nail it we actually have done 163 episodes yeah this is 164 and it's a perfect game every single end of the episode we high five and say the perfect game streak continues yeah we were uh 386 and oh in terms of questions nailed amazing uh if this is your first episode sit back relax and enjoy the show uh we will uh nail it and I think you'll find that we did it.

And then at the end, you'll be like, that was pretty nailed. That was pretty darn near perfect. Oh, wait a second. Recapping in my brain, it was perfect. Not one flaw. We didn't mess up. We didn't misspoke or speak. Not one stutter, one pregnant pause, or even a not one stutter, one pregnant pause

or even a start over among any of it exactly, so we will talk in a way that it's always direct, we do not waste we don't waste our breath we don't waste our breath, we don't waste our words we finish our thoughts we figure it all out

it's like improv it's on the fly, it's not it's like improv in terms of like it's on the fly it's unscripted but unwarranted or not any criticism natural no yeah it's no it's not a natural it's not natural it's sorry it's natural and it's good and it's fast and it's terse and we know what the fuck we're doing and we don't waste a time we don't waste one time we don't waste it at all that's the best part about it so we we'll be like, these are the questions, these are the answers. And that's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, bing, bada, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Bing, bing, bing, bing. Yeah. Now watch me whip. I am watching you whip. Well, now watch me nay-nay. Don't tell me what to do. Just let me enjoy the song. I was watching.

I saw you whip and i i blinked for a split fucking second and i missed you nay nay it was that fast i thought i thought i'd be able to catch you whip and nay nay he must have nay nayed so quickly it was the quickest nay nay it was all i did i did watch you whip yeah no i saw the whip yeah i feel like you only made once you i watched you yeah and then he's like now watch me nay nay and then and then he mentions to watch me watch me yeah watch me watch but watch you what at that point and then isn't that the same sound that goes now watch me duff duff duff duff duff duff duff what, Duff, Duff, Duff, Duff. What is Duff? We should watch the music video. It'll explain all of it.

Every year or two, somebody realizes that the most popular songs are just a dance. Created, of course, by the Hokey Pokey or Macarena of the mid-80s. Or the Mambo No. 5. Yes, I remember back in the day. Oh, wait, that wasn't a dance. That was more of a... Everyone did the Mambo No. 5. Yeah.

And in terms of other dance songs... The Electric Slide. Of course, you have the Electric Slide. You have the... Teach Me How to Dougie. Uh-huh, and yeah, that one was more like asking advice onto How to Dougie rather than explaining How to Dougie. Teach Me How to Dougie.

The Soldier Boy. Superman That Ho would be an example of a move that was explained during the song itself uh and then lastly of course the the big one which i think we're all thinking of right now yeah will you let us in to i mean i'd hate to even say it because it's so obvious cha-cha slide exactly slide. Exactly. The cha-cha slide. Do the hustle. That's another one. Oh, I can mash potatoes. Maybe that was the first one.

The twist. When I dip, you dip, we dip. Oh, yeah. That's another one. So like we said, we don't waste any time on this show. Right. Right into it. All right.

We need the name of a lady. These are real emails from real people. We're giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity let's give this lady a fake name do you have one off the top of your home not a problem yeah i do uh-huh and it goes a little something like this one two three four five everybody in the house says come on and slide to the liquor store around the corner. The boy said I want some gin and juice, but I really don't want to. Oh, how about the girls from that song?

A little bit of Sandra in the sun. So let's do Sandra. My friends are trying to convince me to try out for the next season of The Bachelor. I actually think it could be pretty fun, but here are some things I'm worried about. One, I just got out of a year-long relationship a week ago, which is actually the reason I started listening to your show. I needed something to laugh at. And it seems like it could be too soon, especially considering on the off chance that if you win, you're supposed to get engaged at the end of the season. Two, everyone expects you to have sex in the fantasy suite, which I'm totally not down for.

And I'm definitely not down for dating someone who goes to sleep with two other girls in the fantasy suite. Maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself. Also, please make sure to change my name on the show. Love, Sandra. Love, Sandra. Do you think she's getting too ahead of herself? Yeah, because she went from considering trying out to the bachelorette or the bachelor to uh winning yeah and wondering what what her life would be like when she does win yeah i wonder if she realizes that the chances of her getting on the show are one in probably a

million right and then the chance of winning from there is so infinitesimal right of course and then she's wondering if if if you're this hung up on the premise of the show where you're not down to date someone who's going to sleep with two other girls in the fantasy suite. Right. Don't say that on your interview. Yeah. That means you won't get on the show at all. If that's a deal breaker, then you failed to understand the very conceit of the show. Yeah, it's like I want's like i'm down to date somebody

who's gonna date 50 women at one time but you don't want to date someone who's down to sleep with two other girls in the fantasy suite it's like i want to this is the equivalent of like i want to buy a lottery ticket but i'm afraid what am i going to do with all the cash that i win yeah only it's not a it's not like winning the lottery it's a long shot without any of the reward right because the entire i mean i guess this is sort of me editorializing it but uh it seems like the entire process sucks a lot like you don't want to be somebody on that show people watch that show as a guilty pleasure to like talk about how dumb everybody on the show is right like is that what the show is about i don't know i have not seen the

show but i can only imagine i've seen too many episodes but i was watching like the bachelorette where it's a bunch of dudes vying for one girl right but i mean it's like it's the worst people in the world has anyone come out of that show a winner yeah there's i think there's one or two couples maybe it's just one that are still together and like i i don't i don't even mean together and kids i mean like does society deem them a winner like when they walk around are they well respected well regarded i think the people that stay together are have they actually a lot of the women who are the like the actual bachelorettes like they i think they're liked they're yeah they are well liked but like I don't think any of the men ever are. Maybe they are.

I don't fucking know. It's completely insane. It's so awful. Am I getting ahead of myself, she asks. Yes, because you are. She did say like, I don't know, on the off chance that you win, you have to be engaged to the person. Also, I'm totally not down to date this guy on the uh saying it is an off chance is such like a like she thinks it's like a one in a hundred

shot this girl's also like sort of way like i don't know if i want to do it should i go on the show like she was offered yeah she's acting like it was there's so many people who are like clamoring and like trying so hard yeah to on this show to get married to the bachelor that they're willing to fuck him basically publicly so the fact that she's like sort of considering trying out and doesn't want i guess like if you really think about it though she's the ideal candidate because she is maybe still has feelings for an ex and is totally jealous of the other girls that the guy's gonna have sex with oh so maybe she's just delusional enough for to be a good candidate maybe so and if she's like gonna throw a fit about

uh him sleeping with other people then i could make for a good tv i don't know if i was a producer sure maybe i'd in fact she's gonna be on the but she's gonna win next year and just we're gonna read this email i feel like you could you're you could almost be on the bachelor oh really yeah you don't have to be a female oh you i think i could be the bachelor you could be the bachelor aren't you're the right you're the right age you're not quite attractive enough aren't they like big hunky dudes yeah that's why i'm saying you're not quite attractive enough. But like, you're the right age. You have a good amount of success.

Oh, it's usually successful people. You're like a nice guy. Yeah, and you're not like unfit. You're like good enough. Uh-huh. You know, I was thinking about trying for the Lakers. They have like a summer league open. What is it called?

Oh, open tryout. Oh, right. But what's your jersey number? Exactly. I'm just kind of afraid. Like, where do I go from there? Like, what if the locker room is uncomfortable? What if the travel schedule doesn't jive with like,

if we have like the pilot going and stuff like that? I know, I know. I don't want to like start that process, you know? I get that. I get that. And like, there was this Jeopardy quiz where you take a quiz and you find out like if you can be on jeopardy yeah but how would you spend your money once you won exactly like do you invest i'm a five-time champion is that that's kind it's that that's negative attention so i don't want to like i don't want to have that hanging over me right

right do you think i'm i'm i'm getting ahead of myself um no i mean it's good to think these things through i'm always 45 steps ahead also in the best case scenario too uh so our advice to this lady is um i guess don't worry about winning right now right let's take it one step at a time do you want to try out for the bachelor you don't have to you don't have to you don't have, but you also don't have to be on it if you try out. If you're interested in the audition and how that process will go, you'll probably learn a lot more about the show going forward. And then, as you're taking step after step in this process, and by the way, who knows if you actually will.

My guess is you won't. But then you'll be able to make an educated decision a little bit closer to the actual um event right i'm sure there's it's not just like a they put you on camera and then it's like you're on and you're out yeah you'll talk to some producers and stuff you're going to the next step uh i would say audition sure it could be a fun day sure if you like waiting yeah you might just be like in one of those six blocks lines on hollywood boulevard in the hot sun you you go in for your interview and you have sunstroke as as as a producer walks along the line and taps the girls he deems unattractive like if i'm touching

your shoulder please just leave you you you you're fine you go you're fine go go our bachelor wouldn't take any of you into the the fantasy fuck suite oh it's a cult what is the fantasy suite i think that's like at the at the very last stage i do know that a little bit the very last stage when you have like two or three people left they give you like an overnight date where you basically have a sleepover. And I think it's supposed that everybody fucks in there. You're supposed to boast. It's not a requirement. We don't live in that kind of dystopian future. But sort of we do, huh?

But sort of utopian future. All right. Next question. Question the deuce. What the deuce? Nice. It's Stewie Griffin. It's not cool that you know who said that.

It's not not cool? We need a guy's name. How about Stewie Griffin? It's not bad. How about Lou Bega? Nice. Lou Bega writes, Hey guys, so this past weekend I fucked up big time.

Friday night I had a party at my house. Pretty normal night. I got a little too drunk. We were all swimming and at 2am I found myself in a hot tub with two other girls. One thing leads to another and the girls start getting naked and hooking up. Amazing, right? Wrong. I have a girlfriend who lives in a different country over the summer.

But being an extremely fucked up 19 year old kid who hasn't had sex in almost two months, I allowed the situation to escalate. Now they're completely naked fingering each other and they begin to take off my swimsuit. I resist at first but slowly allow it to happen. Now they're on my lap hooking up but I refrain from actually kissing either of them. This goes on for about 15 minutes before I come to my senses, clothe myself, and go to bed. The next morning, I was mortified by what I had done. I never actually kissed the other girls, and they never jacked me off or anything.

Also, there was no way my girlfriend would find out because she doesn't know these people and no one else was there. So the question is, do I tell her what happened? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. P.S. Do you think Matt Damon has ever ordered something on Amazon, clicked on submit before realizing he didn't want to send the package to his primary address, so he quickly changed and canceled the order while he was submitting, but he couldn't cancel it in time, so he had to call Amazon customer service and cancel the order and reorder it to the correct address. Thanks, Stewie Griffin. Don't think Matt Damon's ever done that. No, I don't think so either.

I think he knows exactly what he wants. I think he knows where it's going. I think he clicks checkout, and I think he's an Amazon Prime member. I think he gets there in two days, free shipping. Actually, now that I think about it, his assistant might do it all for him. Follow-up. Do you think Matt Damon has lots and lots of addresses as his Amazon thing? Like he looks at a list. Like it's an old apartment he used to live in, a college dorm. His ex-girlfriend, a brother, or his parents.

Right. Or do you think he keeps it pretty clean, only relevant addresses in there? I think the answer is that he keeps it pretty clean. I think he keeps it pretty clean only relevant addresses in there i think the answer is that he keeps it pretty clean i think he keeps everything pretty clean i think he's very streamlined tight i think yeah i feel like he doesn't even have a lot of unused apps on his phone oh not at all that's streamlined yeah it might even all be he might be a one pager yeah but i don't know about the one page thing i think that's a little it's a little hokey because it's just so many folders. You're not actually conveniencing yourself.

You can't swipe and click. You have to click, search, click. But I don't think he even has that many apps enough to assist him. There's no way. You think he has Facebook? You think he has Twitter? I think there are too many native apps to just be on one page. Do you think that every app that comes with the phone

fits on one page exactly? I think so. And you think he doesn't have a single convenient app? I think the only apps that he has are like iPhone games for his daughters. Interesting. So you think that doesn't go to the second page? I think it fits on the bottom row.

I think he has an iPhone 6 Plus. I think you're making him too curmudgeonly. No. Oh, you're saying a plus. I don't think he has a plus. I think he has a 128 gigabyte gold plus. No chance. He's got a 6.

Let's find out. All right, let me call Matt Damon. If anybody can find out what kind of phone matt damon has we'd really appreciate it uh as for this question oh he cheated on his girlfriend you think so i don't understand this fucking rule because i've been there before yeah like what are you talking about you can be naked while two people are fingering them like each other on top of you but it's not cheating because you didn't french them yeah you went to the bases beyond yeah it's like i realized he didn't necessarily go to the bases right this is like the whole like

i can have anal sex because it's not sex right but cheating is in the eye of the beholder it's like it there if you're saying cheating is kissing, then you're being a bit too literal. The reason kissing is part of cheating is because you're like, find yourself emotionally, romantically involved with somebody else. Kissing is an expression of the cheat,

which is straying from your loved one. That's right. But if you're, like if your loved one was over in her whatever country, it's like you were in a hot tub with two girls. Did you kiss them? I didn't kiss them.

But don't, no but. You didn't kiss them. They did finger each other. It's fine. I was naked. They took off my shorts. I get it. You didn't kiss them i did not

kiss them but they were you're sure you didn't kiss the naked girls fingering each other on top of your hard dick i didn't yet they might have touched my dick but they didn't jerk me to completion jerk you off no well they might you might have you jerked yourself off watching this that's fine you didn't kiss anyone i did not you didn't smooch one of the naked babes fingering her friend? One of the girl's faces were close to me. I might have rubbed my lips against her neck and cheek, but I didn't actually make the suction kiss. I will say that if you're the kind of fucking cool-ass dude that this happens to, just don't have a girlfriend. Because then you can fully embrace a threesome without feeling guilty.

It is hard to let go of a threesome without feeling guilty it is hard to let go of a three a threesome as a unicorn yeah this is not something that happens a lot throughout your life you're 19 you're in a hot tub you're throwing a party this your girlfriend doesn't know any of your friends that would come to a party by the way this information can and will get out uh besides the point embrace this life that you get to lead. Not every 19-year-old has this happen. This is a, yeah, you saw a triple rainbow. More than that. Each girl that was naked there was a triple rainbow. Six rainbow. It's a septuplet. Septuplet is seven. Seven. Well, you're part of the rainbow, too. Each of them is three, and you're the seventh rainbow.

And what you're doing is you're putting on blinders because your girlfriend doesn't want you to see rainbows. It's not that the girlfriend... Don't put it on her. Yeah, that's why. She doesn't want him to see rainbows. Yeah, she doesn't want him to cheat on her. That's the only reason. Yeah, you shouldn't cheat on someone because it would break their heart. And it also is supposed to break your heart to break their heart.

It's a many-laned street, Blumenfeld. It's not her anger and fear that should be... So what is it? It's a mutual respect. So let's say this girl shouldn't cheat on her boyfriend, just as this guy shouldn't cheat on his girlfriend. Right. Isn't it because you don't want girl shouldn't cheat on her boyfriend uh just as this guy shouldn't cheat on his girlfriend right isn't it because you don't want to hurt the other person that's different than you saying the only reason he doesn't do it is because she doesn't want him to you're also supposed to not want to i'm getting lost in this argument

should he tell his girlfriend what happened it's a really tough situation i probably wouldn't that being said just because you already did it and uh but i think the only way you can really make it right is by uh breaking up and you can be vague you can say hey i think we should break up because i cheated on you you say i think we should break up because I cheated on you. You say, I think we should break up because I can't give you the respect that you deserve. Like, did you cheat on me? Not technically. That's what you'll say. And I'm sure she'll have no follow-up questions.

With any luck, she is like railing as many dudes as she can over in like Europe or South America. Yeah, Australia perhaps. Who knows? Yeah, Africa. Africa, definitely. can that'd be nice europe or uh south america australia perhaps yeah africa africa definitely she's probably in the congo or the sudan she's in chad fucking a guy named chad yeah that's perfect yeah so he you have fucked up you have made a grave error But the silver lining here is that there are people that want to have threesomes with you. So be single. Don't be a shithead. And you can have threesomes guilt-free. You know what's going to happen?

He's going to break up with his girlfriend. And then this thing's not going to happen again. What he caught was a lunar eclipse. It's a supermoon. It happens once every 84 years. No, you can do it. I think it happens once every eight it either happens a lot or never oh so it's rare that you only have one threesome would you say that most

people have two or more threesomes or one threesome i bet it's i bet it's more if you've had a threesome you've had it more than once interesting it's kind of like tattoos more people have multiple tattoos than just one right because once because once you do it, you realize how fucking amazing it is. Oh, no, I already know how fucking amazing it would be. Don't get me wrong. That's not why I'm not having multiple threesomes. I get that it's good. Yeah, you, I don't know.

If you had to bet on me having a threesome in my life, would you say yes or no? Keep in mind, I am 32 and a half at this point. I haven't had one. But you're also single and successful and you're getting hornier as the days grow longer. The more we get into summer, the hornier I get. It has to happen in August. Once the days get shorter, I won't feel horny.

I'm not sure you care about doing it. I guess, oh, you're like, it's not as big of priority. Like, it doesn't drive me or anything. Like, I would like it's not as big of priority like i don't i don't it doesn't drive me or anything yeah like i would like it but i would like to stumble into it right but if i if i made it my mission my goal if we had nothing else going on you think i could pull it off i don't know it's it's a weird thing to make your goal because like i think people say you it's really hard to have a threesome when you're really trying you kind of you kind of do have to embrace it but you have to find ways to insertesome when you're really trying. You kind of do have to embrace it,

but you have to find ways to insert yourself into a situation where it could happen. Is there a Tinder for threes? There at least was when me and Jeff and Dave Rosenberg were trying to invent it. Yeah. A threesome Tinder. It's just all dudes. That's the problem with the threesome Tinder. Oh, I think we were talking about like group Tinder. Like me, Jeff, and Dave could have a profileesome Tinder. It's just all dudes. That's the problem with the threesome Tinder. Oh, I think we were talking about like group Tinder. Like me, Jeff, and Dave could have a profile on Tinder.

Oh, that's like the grouper. Yeah, but like grouper, you don't know who the fuck you're going to go and meet up with. Oh, it's a blind thing. Yeah. It would be me, Jeff, and Dave, joint profile. Oh, so everybody was three. And like a group of three girls. I think what I've heard since grouper existed is that they started doing that.

Like you can swipe groups left and right. That's smart. That's exactly what it should be because people swipe tindering groups too. Oh, that's true too. So what would you do if I were you? You would not tell the girl. I would not tell the girl because I'm a coward, but I would also break up with her because you can't keep on doing this.

Right. Does she have a right to know? Yes, of course. I'm just not going to tell her. I guess I wouldn't tell her either. Duality of man, brother. Especially because this guy thinks he did a good thing. He's like, he cut it off.

It could have been a lot worse. But he might as well have done it. You want to scold him a little bit. You were not a noble gentleman. No, were not not in the jacuzzi i i guess it is like a pretty insane feat to like have two naked girls fingering each other on top of your naked body and to not kiss them or like i mean come to your perfectly honest dude you don't have to lie to us you definitely did something something else happened uh this what he did is almost a lose-lose because it's like he sort of cheated on his girlfriend but he also didn't get to have

a threesome yeah he should have just gone one way or the other right i guess i would be too afraid to tell a girl too that this happened right i mean at this point the relationship is over i to me right i don't think you come back. There's no world where the conversation is like, hey, I had a threesome. I want to stay together. Like, that's the worst idea. Oh, well, maybe he could do that.

He could be like, hey, full honesty, listen, I want to stay together, but I want you to know that this happened. That's so fucking dumb. But yeah, that's an option. If he wants to move forward with his girl only, that would be the thing to do. But clearly, you don't. You do right now, but you don't really. So you got that?

You got that, Stewie Griffin? Enjoy, embrace the rainbows. A little bit of Monica is all you need. A little bit of Tina sets you free. A little bit of Monica is all you need. A little bit of Tina sets you free. A little bit of Sandra in the sun. A little bit of Gloria all night long. I don't know the words. All right, let's take a break.

We'll come back. More questions right after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz. With a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do recording this before montreal releasing it after montreal one of those by the time you hear this our adventures will have been had right uh but we did have we did go to las

vegas last weekend so we could talk about that a little bit. Yeah. Did you enjoy your time there? I did. I had a lot of good time. I crammed a lot of stuff into just a few short nights. We had a good time, I would say. Yeah. Night number one, we saw Rick Fox. That's true, which is always a thrill, an honor, a pleasure, a joy.

It was a joy. It was an adventure. He is my spirit animal. He is my rock. He is my center. My mentor. I his mentee. He is my spirit animal. He is my rock. He is my center. He is my mentor. I his mentee. He is my teacher and I his student.

A funny thing happened to me when I was ready to leave Las Vegas. It was like 2 a.m. I was going to drive early the next morning. So I was like, you know what? It's 2 a.m. I lost half the money that I came here with. But at least I have some money in my wallet wallet do you feel comfortable saying how much money is uh i think it helps the story okay uh let's just say i brought a thousand dollars because you did yeah uh and i had 500

in my wallet still i'm like okay that's fine i had fun in vegas for two nights i only lost 500 dollars right that's perfect not it not perfect, but it's not. Yeah, yeah. Break even is great. Winning money is like, that's the seventh septuple rainbow. Losing $500 is, that could be worse. Right. I could have lost it all.

Right, exactly, exactly. Walking back to my room and a lady card dealer, blackjack dealer, recognized me and my buddy from the year before. We had played with her. Wow. And like, I, you know,

we were being drunkenly flirting with her cause she's a very, she remembered you from a year ago. She remembered me because she had, she thought I looked familiar. I guess she had seen some of our videos or some of the prank videos. And then she's like, she said that she followed me on Instagram, which is a huge get because she, then she knows how popular you are on Instagram.

Exactly. At the very least, she sees the life that I've led. Right. So I was like, oh my God, yeah. Hey, how are you doing? I sat down and I wanted to play blackjack with her. But she was at a $100 minimum table, which is eight times more than I've ever done for a minimum we usually play 50

10 to 15 a hand it goes along it goes a long time and she's like well i could change it to 50 and i was like yeah i could do that and then i still also being like yeah this is two to three times yeah usually all right so instead of buying in with 200 i emptied my wallet and i said yeah i'll have 500 worth of chips this is everything i have i'm like i really hope this lasts you casually sat down you're like i guess i'll do 500 yeah and that's literally all the cat did you hide your wallet a little bit a fly buzzed out of it when i took the 500 out a button uh and i was like at the very least you know this will give us another fun moment with this lady that we can sit, hang out, play blackjack. It won't, maybe it won't last very long.

Maybe it will. And she gave me a stack of 20, $25 chips. And within four minutes, it was all gone. I had lost nine hands of blackjack in a row, nine straight up one of which was doubled down i did not get a single glimpse i borderline busted every time the one time two times that i didn't she got a 20 or 21 how it was what are the statistics of i think it's very rare in a row because i think you they have a slight advantage so it's almost like losing uh nine coin flips a row, which is like one in a thousand, I would think. Jesus.

More than. Had she ever seen anything like it? She says it's rare to lose 10 times in a row, but she had gone through one time, like the entire deck where somebody didn't win. I did do some things wrong, so I guess the stats were not 100% in my favor. Oh, you didn't go by the book. Yeah. There were times when you hit when you shouldn't hit like 13 against a two where i was kind of like i might as well hit because i feel like she's gonna get a 20 or something small um i was playing on tilt a little bit towards the end but i would say it's it was

still a rare feat and the problem was i was trying to act so cool so i was just like you know this is just fun money but in the back of my head i'm like damn it it took me all weekend to lose 500 and then i just did it in four minutes in front of this girl that i thought was attractive and i try to act cool and i'm trying to act like it's no big deal while my friend is just like he knows what's going on so he's just like quietly squeezing my shoulder like i'm there for you i also don't want to act like it's a big deal but it is uh and then she felt bad for me too because she took my money and i had to like i at that some point i'm like i'm reassuring her and she's like i'm sorry i feel bad like no don't feel bad i mean

you're just doing your job this is fun and this money that i came to lose i was like oh no that was a round trip flight to new york that was a really nice carpet for my room that i said was too expensive to buy a week ago. That was 40 dinners that I think that are priced a little bit too high. Yeah. So that was a fun moment. I eventually, my friend gave me like $200 to gamble with again. Like I was basically borrowing from my friend.

So you're going into debt $1,200. Yeah. And I turned that $200 into $500. So I was able to like make $300 of the $500 I lost back. It was like that moment in Swingers where he checks in and just gets three chips and he loses right away. Any Glenn. Any Glenn will do. A Glenn Livet.

Only I didn't actually meet up with her and her friend after it. So it was all the bad part of Swingers without actually meeting up with them after the shift. Maybe someday you'll start to date her or something. You guys will fall in love and you'll get to really, really talk deeply about what that moment was. Oh, that was really nice. And then when I propose to her, it'll be like with a $500 ring. And she'll be like, this is so cheap and chintzy.

And I'll be like, I know, but the $500 actually has a lot of significant meaning to me. Yeah, but she'll be like... And then she's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I know what you mean. You can drop $500 in Vegas for a fun time, and you can't drop more than that for a ring for your wife. And then I'm like, I can't believe you're making this moment about something as trivial as the value of the ring.

The ring is just a symbol of my eternal love for you. It's the value of the relationship. How eternal is $500? I get that. And then you guys spend a life happily ever after. Right. I didn't do any of the stuff you did, really. I lounged by the pool.

Yeah, you had a pool Vegas. I had a pool Vegas, and it was a cool Vegas. As I got there on Saturday morning to lay by the pool all day, and it was uh 60 degrees and raining yeah it was an eye-opening experience i still went into that like uh river thing the lazy river and uh or wet river at the mgm and you just sort of like you get a tube you have a drink you go it's like a quarter mile of like sort of like a windy maze of pools right uh it was just like frigid but i did it anyway and then but then i like uh then i wrapped myself up in a blanket

and i took a nap by the by the pool like under an awning so i wasn't getting rained on yeah and i woke up and it was like a full-on hot day so so i got like two good hours in by the pool that's a yeah that's a good microcosm of vegas you come in expecting one thing and it's often not what you get you can do it in different ways but then in the end it is perfect yeah and by the end you're just you're exhausted sad tired and borderline broke ready to leave forever it beats you up and then you miss it uh we have shows coming up in toronto october you can check those out take a and Amir, Toronto. Or if I were you, Toronto. One live podcast and one other comedy show as part of the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival.

Anything else? Should we get to the last question? Let's do one final quest. It's the final question. Do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Need a guy's name. Trent. Trent.

Trent writes, Hey guys, I desperately need your advice. My amazing girlfriend of over two years has one huge downside. Her house is extremely smelly. She lives with her parents and they have a lot of pets. I'm not exaggerating. They have two lizards, two geckos, one turtle, two tortoises, two frogs, one snake, two cats, and a moldy dog. It's like a freaking reptile and amphibian enclosure at a zoo.

Obviously, with all these pets, her house has become really pungent. Imagine rotten food and animal that had died last week. Leave it out to dry in the sun and then inhale those ungodly fumes. That's the stink right there. It is so hard to breathe without wanting to gag or running outside. Also, more insult to injury. None of her without wanting to gag or running outside. Also, more insult to injury, none of her family seems to mention or notice the stink, and they don't clean up too. The smell is equal to the mess. It's absolutely nasty. It's like one of those extreme hoarder homes where there is a dusty crap everywhere and you feel the need for

a chemical bath after entering. I'm sorry for the long email, but I really don't know what to do. Do I mention it? Do I just leave it and breathe through my mouth? Does my suffering make me a better boyfriend? I can't stand it anymore. Please help. Thanks. Love, Trent.

Whew. Mmm. I will say your suffering makes you a better boyfriend, but you're complaining about it like this. This is him venting, though. I guess. This is, I think, the nicest thing he can do. Remember when we stayed at that Airbnb that had a turtle? Yeah. boyfriend but you're complaining about it like this this is him venting though this is i think the nicest thing he can do remember when we stayed at that airbnb that had a turtle yeah it was a

little bit stinky you just smell like the the aqua and you just like see a moldy like tank yeah you're grossed out by animals so imagine that but then there's also lizards geckos there are turtle and then two tortoises they They're not the same? I would definitely imagine. Why don't you just say three turtles? Yeah, and then there's two lizards and two geckos. You can just say four lizards. Let's condense it.

Yeah, there's a... You did apologize for the long email, so let's go through. I will tell you, you can condense a couple of the... Two frogs and a toad? Yeah. Is that true? No. But there's a snake and two cats.

That seems like a bad idea. That seems like an emergency waiting to happen. Oh, Is that true? No. But there was a snake and two cats. That seems like a bad idea. That seems like an emergency waiting to happen. Oh, that's a good idea, though. What if you just release some of the animals so they eat each other? Oh. Pit animal against animal. Who would survive this? The snakes...

All right, this is how it goes. The snakes eat the geckos and the lizards. Then the cats eat the snakes the dogs eat the cats yeah this is like you're left with a dog and a and three tortoises you clean the tortoise you wash the dog and then you eat it all it's like a turducken you stuff the tortoise inside the dog turducken yeah turoggin. So what would you do if your girlfriend's house smelled like shit? Could you say in a nice way

let's not go there. It smells really bad. Yeah. I don't think I'd ever say it but I think I would just like more and more suggest alternatives like oh let's hang out at my house. Like let's make this part of this house like our own. This is our own little corner. I love when we hang out here here this is my favorite place for us to be yeah positivity and then the

absence of talking about her house and that space will show her the true feelings but in a nice polite subtle way what do you imagine this house looks like the stinky house because i'm imagining dark gray or almost black shag carpeting oh yeah and like every and like really thick furniture that when you tap it you can see dust uh dust uh rise up out of it through the sun that comes through through a venetian blinds but like metal venetian blinds that like were hot in like the late 80s oh yeah they're kind of bent right now yeah yeah like bent bent tin venetian blinds a little bit and then the tank is sort of the only thing that's illuminated but like there's only like one bulb working right there's lots of grime on it yeah grime like a grimy dark brown like a bag of crickets for the

snakes and the geckos oh yeah and the freezer has newts uh cubed frozen newts that you have to feed the lizard and get like a little little bag of dead mice for the snakes so like the feed is sort of like spilling onto the floor yeah the dog needs to be walked there's a tv there's a tv with antenna like ravity antenna time yeah and it's like sort of it's it's the what is it called when it's like scrolling but not really necessary like in a vhs player where the the oh yeah the image is scrolling up yeah and then when you hit the tv right sort of it straightens up for a little bit yeah i guess i would tell your i would just still not say anything to the girlfriend i mean she doesn't mention it she yeah because i think they're so used to a smell have you ever been in a room that's so

stinky but you're in there for two hours and then someone walks in and they're like holy shit it smells in here right but i understand that someone walks in and they're like, holy shit, it smells in here. Right. But I understand the parents feeling like that. Like if they're hoarders and they're living there all the time. But the girl, his girlfriend must, she goes out and sees the world as this boyfriend does. Yeah, and then she comes in. So she must be aware.

She should be. Especially of the stack of the dry yellow newspapers that they have that they refuse to throw out right and they're so dry at this point i can't i can't get rid of these yeah these are the these are important to a blind man it feels i'll organize them i'll organize them don't touch them i'll do it tv guides from 1993 uh three and then like don't throw that away when you touch the newspaper it really feels to a blind person like he's touching a baked lay or a pringle like that's the same consistency thin Thin and crispy. The paper would be thin and crispy.

So what can you do at this point? I already said what I can do. You just keep on describing the house. A ceiling fan that hasn't worked in a while. There's cobwebs that are attached from the roof to the ceiling fan. And you see it and you're like, that must have taken years. There's a nest

on there. So it months that this this circulation and what's the art on the wall like oh the art is posters old posters like from a dentist's office oh yeah with like plastic frames that are sort of like the frame part on the bottom is yeah it's starting to like slide out and it's it's the the poster of a painting with the information about where that the screen is yeah it's like it shows like where it was and where they got it right oh like somebody bought this poster at the poster of a painting with the information about where that the screen is yeah it's like it shows like where it was and where they got it right oh like somebody bought this poster at the louvre because it's a poster of the painting at the louvre and the frame like you said it's either plastic or maybe like a brushed gold metal but it's still falling apart yeah for sure uh what

else do you think what are the bathrooms like in this home uh i feel like you want to say all right a carpet a carpeted top on the top of the toilet seat cover a carpeted toilet seat cover uh a kleenex box but not any kleenex inside of it on the septic tank oh there's a septic tank yeah bathroom yeah that's insane uh-huh uh and then uh water mildew on the shower curtain oh for sure yeah every towel in there is brown every single towel is wet just soaking wet it can't ever dry because it's so dank and dark toothbrushes on the sink but only four people live there the gecko has two brushes six six bristles on each brush some of them just the stick what's going on here this is where the yellow king lives

um i would think i would have to say something right you can't not say anything i'm sorry i don't like going to your house because i don't like the odor yeah i really can't stand it and then let's see how she reacts to that should if if she was a nice person she would commiserate she would feel a little bad at first because you're basically insulting her family. Yeah, I think that's maybe, if you do say something, the one thing you have to be prepared for

is the backlash. Right, she's gonna get defensive. Because to you, it sort of feels like cathartic. Be like, I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable in your house. It's kind of like, I don't like the smell.

Like, be polite. And then she's going to be upset. So the one thing to do is be really patient with her being upset by you. You can't also get defensive, because two people being defensive is no bueno. So she'll maybe get defensive, and you say, I know, I understand, I get that it's hard to hear. Do you apologize?

Yeah, like, I'm sorry that this is the way I feel. Those kind of apologies, those like, I'm sorry about this is the way i feel those kind of apologies this there's like i'm sorry about how you feel about it like yeah it's like i don't feel bad but i'm sorry about how you reacted yeah you never want to apologize like that like i think you have to say what is the i'm genuinely sorry that this that i i know this is going to hurt your feelings but i'm saying it because i believe it's going to make us stronger in the long run right and i'm trying to do it as sensitively as i possibly can um i remember the uh the the word

for the vhs that rotates up and down scrolls up and down it's called tracking nice you can adjust the tracking and that's our show yeah vhs a rewinder uh in the media cabinet and that's it just a vhs oh but no no play no vcr all right say something if you have to what if you actually have to go for it but be prepared um all right that is it that's our show thank you so much for listening everybody if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions please send them over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We also need Facebook images, or sorry, images for our Facebook account

whenever we post about the podcast. We use original artwork created by our talented fans. Everything, the email for everything from top to bottom is ifireyshow at gmail.com. Thank you to Matt Gilroy

for writing the opening theme song for this episode. And thank you to Charlie Bird for making the closing theme song. Thanks birdie. Thanks Charlie bird. We'll be back next week. Namaste. Toda.

We appreciate you much. Love. Goodbye. And see it. And saya. And signing off. Sir. To sign off one more time is,

is here. We are signing off to you. Wasting. No time. Wasting. No, wasting no words. I read it. See ya. Bye-bye.

Perfect kid, Charlie Wood. If I were you with my top two Jews, Jake number one, Amir number two, email them in your trickiest problem. No conundrum too big is able to stop it. First, they're likely to put you on blast. Don't worry, I'll stop. It won't last. Sooner or later, I'll stop, it won't last

Sooner or later, they'll give you advice And do what they say, don't think twice Do it like Jake and fuck that time Or make it into a map like I'm here this time Yeah, Bloomin' Bell is a bit of a nerd But the pinch don't flinch, haven't you heard? They may pluck some snacks from Nature Box Or some MeUnd these pants and socks but even

that is good funny shit and all of that is just about it if you're telling me this don't impress a starbucks suicide for you i guess