Segments - 165: League (Live from Montreal!)

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

In this episode we discuss stupidity, pregnancies, and fantasies with a special friend, live from Montreal! This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and MileIQ! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your hosts, Jake and Amir. I got 99 balls, but a bitch ain't one. Hit me.

Carrying a weapon on you, I know a lot of you are. Hey! That should have been the whole show, is us taking photos with people. That's our time. One by one. You know what? Fuck it.

Two by two. We've earned it. Montreal, how's it going? Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yes.

That's right. Toda. Toda. This is correct. Holy shit. I wish my mom could see this. She's here. She's just blind.

She can hear it super well. Mommy, follow my voice, mommy. No point in waving. How are you guys doing? This is really cool. This is our first live podcast in Canada. All of Canada. That is true.

Now, who here is familiar with our show? Who here has never heard us before in their life? Somebody hasn't. Cool. You're going to be so fucking confused for the next time. I borderline don't get this. And I am this. So no, this is an advice podcast.

It's called If I Were You. People will write us questions. They're in sticky situations in their lives, and they want Jake and mine's help, our advice for whatever reason. So if you guys don't mind, we can answer some questions in front of you guys. Maybe you guys can help us out too. We're going to take a... What's going on right here? Okay. I'm actually okay. I'm still feeling a little hungover from yesterday. So all right, let's take a seat. Let's answer some questions.

Here we go. All right, I really like this enthusiasm. It's making me feel really good. You should say a catchphrase, like, got any cheese? Oh, yeah. I don't know if I do that one ever on the podcast, right? It doesn't matter if it's on the podcast. It's really close to when we do actually do. Seize the cheese. Oh, yeah. I don't know if I do that one ever on the podcast, right? It doesn't matter if it's on the podcast. It's really close to when we do actually do.

Seize the cheese. Oh, yeah. That's true. That is kind of fun. Oh, yeah. See? I don't know if I know. Huh?

I don't know that one. Huh? Oh, yeah. Kanye. Ta-da. Cheers. To us and the longevity of our relationship Use your drink, bad luck if you don't Sure

I love you brother I love you And you're great man Oh Fuck off with that Say you love me Say it all I love you, do you love me?

And we're good, man It's so clear you're avoiding saying it I'm not avoiding it We are good together I think we make a good team, baby Not baby That's actually pretty nice That's better than love

What you said was kind of more intimate, actually Alright, first question These are real emails From real people What you said was kind of more intimate, actually. All right, first question. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. I'm hearing a lot of Crandus. Really? Crandus has followed us from city to city he haunts our dreams

like an std we don't even know all right krandis writes need a little mustache napkin hey guys i'm a little bit on the crazy side and that i will do anything anyone tells me to and will go to extreme for stupid jokes anyway Anyway, I fear I may have accidentally gotten into a gay sexting relationship. I was joking around with a buddy of mine talking about butts, and long story short, I told him I was going to send him a pic of my ass. He didn't believe me, but I frickin' did it. Yeah. He didn't believe me, but I frickin' did it Yeah He then told me he said it at his profile pic of me on his phone I was cool with it and thought it was funny

A few days later, he asked me for another, saying the first one was low quality I didn't think much of it, but skipped to a couple months later, and he texts me again. Can you send me a new profile pic? My mom deleted the old one. As a joke, I replied, nope, sorry man, you're buttless, lol. He then replied, then send me a better butt pic, please. Stating that he's looked at the same pic for too long, and that I should send him a side view. I guess my question is, is he jacking off to my butt? Should I send him more?

I'll probably send him one more. But should I continue after that? Should I do him this solid? He isn't the type of guy to keep a joke going, if at all. Any advice would be appreciated. Love, Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. Okay, so let's dissect the question.

He asked a couple, he had a couple queries. One, is his friend jacking off to his butt pics? Yes. I would venture to say yes. Should he send him more? I'm a little torn too. This guy brings up a good point. There's something kind of hot about it.

Yeah, somebody is coming to you. Yeah, you're a little bit hot for that. Yeah, you're a hot guy to him, which is nice to me for you to have for them, to us, with you. I really like that sentence structure. Preposition noun 90 times in a row.

Would you send a butt picture to a guy? Let's say you were friends, obviously you're not, but let's say you were friends with a homosexual. Excuse me. Hypothetically, you guys. Scared me for a second. You know I'm the most hetero dude in the world, right?

Let's kiss about it. As a bit, how far can you go and still be hetero, right? He's making this, like, ha ha, it's funny. Here's a picture of my butt. You're jerking off to it. That's hilarious. Ha ha, it's funny. Now I'm sending you more and more. And ha ha ha ha, it's funny. Here's a picture of my butt. You're jerking off to it. That's hilarious. Ha ha, it's funny. Now I'm sending you

more and more and ha ha ha ha, it's funny. I'm letting you blow me. This is a bit... This is so silly. I get myself in these. We're 69ing

and we're each getting domed. It doesn't... I guess like, where's the line? You have to draw it somewhere. I think you should draw it in cum. I really think the line should be semen-sized. And what do you think, blind Mrs. Blumenfeld?

She agrees. In Hebrew, but still. I think it's fine. It doesn't really matter. You're giving someone a gift. Who cares? I gave you... If I gave you any present,

if you jerk off to it, that's your prerogative. And you gave me a lovely pen for my birthday last year, and you better believe I've noted on it. Absolutely you have. I've noticed that. I jerk off to the gift.

It was thoughtful. It's a really nice quill. It gets me a little hard. It's a fountain pen. It's a fountain pen. It's a really nice quill. It gets me a little hard. It's a fountain pen. It's a Lanny 1200 Blue Series fountain pen. It's a really nice just drenched in semen.

Drenched in semen, yeah. Absolutely. And I appreciate it. Here's the problem with nude pictures, and I think everybody can relate to this a little bit. Nobody's ever satiated by them. If you send a nude picture, the response is always like, that's so hot, that's so hot, that's so hot.

Can I have another one? You're going down this rabbit hole where you're going to have to keep on sending him pictures of your ass. It's interesting that he wants a side view. Isn't that a downgrade? Like, oh, this picture of your tits is so hot. Do one where you're covering it

Do one where I can't see the private parts But you can see why, like, teasing Like, bikini is hotter than nude Right, if anything, it's a little weirder That he, like, has a specific demand You know, side boob? Like, he's got a fetish Yeah, he likes side butt

That's true He likes side butt But I do like your theory that porn is like the Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop. It just makes you... This episode is sponsored by Pringles. Absolutely. The porn of potato chips they call themselves never.

There is that guy with the mustache on the butt. Yeah. I could see him jerking off the side butt. Let's get to what the hell he actually asked us so we can answer it. What are you talking about? We did. Yeah. I think we answered the question.

Do you guys feel like we answered the question sufficiently? Yeah, he's jerking off and it's fine. He is jerking off. Should I send him more? You should probably start to cut him off. Wean him off. You're like a drug dealer. You don't want to send him down that road. All right. Send him, let's say, two more.

One side view and one gaping hole. Yeah, and then... That's it. He needs the brown eye. Now, do you mind... May I read the next question so you can start to drink your whiskey? Yeah. Because I don't next question so you can start to drink your whiskey? Yeah.

Because I don't want to put you on blast, but you haven't touched it since we cheersed. All right. Actually, I could put him on. This is a French-Canadian blast on a Saturday night. I think it's deserved, I think it's earned, and I think, yep, I'm going to keep your phone after this too. Ta-da. Smallest sip I've ever seen Chuck no no no no no no this this is peer Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. No.

This is peer pressure, and I won't do it. In fact, one time during a live show, they chanted chug. I chugged. I didn't finish, and then they booed me. Do you realize how fucked it is to give in to peer pressure? And now you're complaining. How do you get out of this? You have to chug it.

All right, I'll chug, but I might not finish. Is that okay with you guys? Let's give him chug one more time so we can... All right, ready? Oh, you know what? Let's just give him sip halfway. Sip halfway. Sip halfway. Sip halfway.

Sip halfway. Sip halfway, sip halfway, sip halfway, sip halfway, sip halfway. That was not halfway. It wasn't quite halfway, but yeah, sure. Give it up for Blumenfeld. I like that. You guys are like reasonable peer pressurers. Very polite. It's like, hey, if you don't smoke this drug, you're bisexual.

Okay, question in a second. Can we get a... Wait, everyone, absolute silence. Jaliah? Wait, shh. What'd you say? Crystalia. Crystalia?

Okay, Crystalia writes. He is here, by the way. He's at the back of the show. Huge fan. Wearing a Seize the Cheese shirt. Dear Josh and Amir. For the person who doesn't listen to the show. Huge fan. Wearing a Seize the Cheese shirt. Dear Josh and Amir. For the person who doesn't listen to the show, I'm also

Josh sometimes. Josh R. Yeah. Josh R. And also The Pinch. This is... Get those crab claws up, babies! Huh? Huh? Loser.

That's what my father would say. Dear Josh and Amir, I love the show and knew I could come to you divas for advice. I found myself in quite the sexual pickle. I've been dating this amazing girl for over seven months now and everything is going amazeballs. Whenever they start like that, it's never actually going amazing. We love each other and are highly attracted to one another, yet we have yet to have actual sex. We've gotten as close to sex as you can get without penis in vagina penetration.

Hand jobs, blow jobs, even anal. That is sex. The second part of anal is the word sex. But never have I ever done it the way God intended it to be. Her biggest fear is getting pregnant, which I totally understand. But I've said I'd wear a condom and also pull out before ejaculation. She still doesn't seem to trust these methods of birth control I'm starting to feel as if sex is an infinitesimal point he used

that word incorrectly don't listen to that sick so here's my question how can I convince my girlfriend to let me have sex with her and are there any other methods of birth control we can try besides condoms and birth control pills, which she can't get because she's still 17? I don't know about that rule. So. What rule? You can't have birth control if you're 18? How old is he?

61. It's fine? Completely non-sequitur, unrelated, doesn't matter. He is 91 years old. I read that question earlier and I crunched some numbers to see indeed how, what was the efficacy of condoms versus pulling out the withdrawal method. I found out kind of a gray area of answers because there's one percentage that says condoms are 85% effective when used incorrectly. And when used correctly, they're 98% effective. Pulling out is about 50% effective when used incorrectly. Though if you ask me,

it should be 0% effective. Same with condoms. If you put it on your face, if you do it wrong, 0%. How do you do it wrong and it's still 85? Unless you're wrong as putting your entire body in the condom. If you do it wrong, 0% effective, according to me. So 85 to 98 and then pulling out was like 50% effective to 96% when done correctly. You're losing me right now, but go ahead. If you do them both correctly, this is just a tip for this guy.

If you are crunching these numbers, you will never have sex. Luckily, luckily I've done it for you. If you use a condom correctly and pull out, which is so unnecessary, the odds of you getting a semen or the sperm getting to your egg is one in over 12,000.

So if this girl is worried about getting pregnant, he should just make sure to say, I'm going to use it correctly. I'm actually going to put it on my penis. I'm actually going to take my penis out somehow before I ejaculate. And if she still needs more, like a third level, a layer of birth control,

there's also the calendar system, which means you can't get pregnant close to your actual menstruation date. So if that's still not enough for her, I fear that she just doesn't want to fuck this guy. Then again, he's getting anal. That's true. And that's kind of dope enough, man.

Isn't it? I've not had anal. Try to go the other way. Yeah. We do the vaginal, try to get to the butt. You skipped over. Yeah. This guy made it.

This guy has a home run, and he's like, I didn't touch third. Does it still count? I was worried about the baseball references up here, but luckily I remember the Montreal Expos played here from 1981 to 2002. R.I.P. Do you think she's just afraid of getting pregnant or she doesn't want to do this guy in the

vajay? You know what? I did some research as well. That just means you watched a lot of porn earlier. I do. And I did. Did you guys know we got a free fleshlight for performing here? Show you. I don't have it now.

I threw it away. Just kidding. It's in my bag. All right. So I did some research as well. One thing that I came across that was interesting that conflicts with your research a little bit is they advise not combining the two methods of using a condom and pulling out because sometimes in your haste to pull out, you're not gripping the bottom of the condom and that shit could slip right off and then that's not

good that's just a bag of cum in your girlfriend which is what i call myself sometimes i am really just a walking bag of cum uh so there's that the other thing is uh it's essentially what you're saying which is she doesn't want to fuck you because she might just not be ready for sex. So all you can really do is not pressure your girlfriend ever to have sex, but you can sure say, hey, I've researched this amount, and these are the chances of you getting pregnant.

And if you don't want to do it, that's fine, but I just wanted to put all the research on the table here, and your call. Yeah. No pressure. No pressure. But these are the numbers. But, but, but, but, but.

The proof is in the pudding. I'd like anal sex, I think. Who's this chick that's giving it up so easily? This, this, this butt whore. Hey. Whoa. Sorry, I've had a single sip of this. Apple juice?

Bourbon apple juice? Oh, dear. All right, so have an open conversation with her. Tell her it's not actually risky. If she still doesn't want to sleep with you, odds are maybe she just doesn't want to do that or something. Yeah, but you know what? Try to enjoy the butt sex while it's

happening because I do guarantee this is the only time you will ever get that. This willy-nilly. Pretty amazing. It's a child complaining about getting dessert without having to eat its vegetables. Oh, vaginal sex isn't that bad. Neither are

Brussels sprouts. Cheers. Yay! Neither are Brussels sprouts. Cheers. Cheers. Let's take a short break right now for those of you listening at home. If you're listening at home, we'll be right back. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

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We have a few more questions to answer in front of you guys, if that's okay with you. I don't know if you guys listen to the program, but sometimes it's just us two giving our advice, and sometimes we have a friend. And tonight we have a very special friend. You guys have seen him both on our videos

and probably HBO's Silicon Valley. Put your hands together for Thomas Middleton! Thomas Middleton! What fun! Yeah! The good news is there's only seven minutes until the show has to end. Penis! Penis!

Ah, give it to me, Internet! Get it out right now, you fucking weirdos! Shame on you! Get it out. I can't contain myself. I must yell penis. I have to.

You strange, strange people. Tooth. Tooth. Tooth. It's me versus you. I'll win. I'm making more money.

Wow. You people created that. I blame only you both, but I still happen to love you. We're here to answer questions. Questions are my favorite part about the podcast. Yeah. So let's get tuned. Let's get right into it.

What a weird thing. I know. God. I never will. Thomas, excuse you. Excuse you. Very much excuse you. Excuse you. Hey.

Get it out, man. Fucking do it. You could just sit up here and yell it out. Yeah, just yell it out. Do it now. You yell the quotes and he'll do them back. Yeah, just do it now. Instead of saving them for Instagram photos,

me and my soon-to-be nephew. My potential two-year-old nephew. Penis! Yeah, just caps lock penis with me and a two-year-old boy. So do it now. Yes. All right, all right. That's enough, you guys.

He's still a man. Hardly. All right. Are you guys ready? You'd think being on Home Box Office would change things. Not with you, fucks. Great to be here. Well, let's do it. Alright, alright. Read it, baby.

Here we go. What's the name? What's the name? You want to give us a name? Yeah, oh. Shut up. Sleem. And you can spell that for us? S-L-E-E-M Sleem Just what I thought

Just what I hoped Hi, I'm Sleem I'm a junior in high school And one of my best friends is a girl That I really, really like We're pretty close and kind of flirty If she were anybody else, I would be positive that she likes me. The thing is, she's way out of my league. Don't think like that. Not only is

she super nice, but she's smart, funny, outgoing, and gorgeous. I would say that I'm smart and kind of funny, but I can be bitter and not nice, and I'm not handsome at all. Don't be sad. He attached a photo. He's actually a gargoyle. At the bottom, there's a whole list of women he's sexually assaulted, so... You're fine.

My question is, do girls ever date below their league? If so, what's the best way to court a girl if you're not the most attractive guy in the world? Babies. Thanks. Love, Sleeve. Sleeve. You look like you have an opinion.

You're leaning back with such confidence. You're going to slide out of the chair. There is a right answer answer and you have it no no there's no right answer to any life to any life write that down but my first thing to slim would be don't think

of relationships of leagues that's an unhealthy way of looking at people of like you're one league and I'm another that's not and you guys are by the way you're hot and like, you're one league and I'm another. That's not bueno. And you guys are, by the way. You're hot and rich and you're ugly and poor. Yeah. It's true, guys. It's a fact.

You don't even know how much HBO pays. No idea. I came here for free because I make so much money otherwise. No, the point is you can't look at it like that. Because, I mean, right? Back me up here. If't look at it like that because i mean right i mean if back me up here if you look at it like people are leagues that's crazy well here's the thing if you're hooking up with a girl she is in your league the problem is this guy is treating leagues as attractiveness

but league is all-encompassing i can date someone who's more physically attractive than me in fact i almost exclusively do all my friends hook up with girls all your friends are like they look at you and whoever girl you're with and go really yeah that's my type and then they meet the girls and they go i get it. She can barely spell her own name. S-L-I? It's S-L-E-E-M. Well, the thing is, leagues are, just like regular leagues, leagues are more than just points. Listen, in basketball, DeAndre Jordan can't dribble, he can't shoot,

but he's still getting paid more than Steph Curry. You know why? Because he can play defense. He can rebound. He can block shots. There's a single clap going on. So yeah, this girl might be more conventionally attractive, but maybe you're better at other things. And girls don't actually necessarily care about that kind of stuff

as much as guys, so I would say that they do in fact date below their attractiveness level a lot, but not necessarily below their league. Let's hear it, because you are coming. He's shaking his head. You like it or not like it? Baby, baby, baby. This is how it actually is.

This is how it actually is. Well, here's the thing. I'm not even dissuading what you're saying. Now you're giving merits to people. You don't have to interrupt. He's talking. We're both talking. No, this is my height, man. Yeah.

This is how Thomas do it. All right, let's hear what Thomas has to say. Tell him how it is. Hit it up, J.H. Hey! You're still talking about inequalities that quantify people. And the thing is, in the end, you're all just people. It's a matter of chemistry, baby.

If I were talking about leagues, I would never be getting married to the hot blonde baby over there. Now granted, she's only in it because I have status and money. But outside of that, I happen to be an extremely handsome individual. No, but my point is, she's very cool and pretty and hilarious. And the fact that this old bag of tin... A picture of a bag of miscellaneous tin. Tin collector. Oh, we've got to give our tin to the... It's the war, so...

Anyway. It's the war. The war is on. Germans. So we've got to give up the tin. Send your salami to the boy in the army. I guess you still can't quantify you can't quantify you just have to have what you have he has to i tell you this is the real thing that man has to take ownership of the situation into his hands he has to be like

is this girl for me as opposed to can i be worthy for her that's a huge mental shift that's when you turn the fucking game on you're like like, ooh, I like you, but what you gonna do for me? And as soon as you do that, then the girl's like, I don't know. Maybe everything? Trust. Trust. Trust! Trust!

Truth speak! Dibs! Penis! Dibs! Dibs! Honey! Dibs! Dibs! Dibs. Penis. Dibs. Honey. Dibs. Dibs. Dibs. Sky jump.

But what if he's really, really ugly? I don't know. It brings us a good point. She was saying Sky jump, but that would be so funny if she was saying sky jump. Jump out of the sky now. Impossible. Unreasonable demand. Silly uh jake does bring up a good point what if what's your point what if he's really really really ugly what if he's a thumper

a thumper a dumpy a crusty nugler what if his nugler's crumpy what if he's a crumpy duggler and he's got all the skin, but it's extra. You actually do bring up a great point. Thank you. See, you know, here in North America, here in the world, we think of, we want males of all status quo. We want this, like, porny, hot, like, got-it-all lady.

And the thing is, man, there's so many beautiful babies, all of all different shapes and sizes. And the fact of this, you have to be somewhat aware of, like, where you're at right now. Like, here's, oh, how real do I get? As real as fucking possible. Do I speak to the fugly dumpers? Speak from the heart.

Speak to the fugly dumpers. Fuck, man. How do I do this? I'll give you a beat. Wait, I don't need a beat. No, no, no, no, no. That only makes it way harder. You don't have to.

You're like, let me help you out. Let me give you a beat. Here, here, here. Do you mind if I? Play to the band. Curtain them. Can I give you? I'll give you a little beat.

Do you mind if I give you a beat? I guess. Maybe forcibly rhyming every other word will help. I am a contaminant. Listen all you fugly dumpers. This is horrible. I've had too many of these

no I want you to stop because it'll only end up being a thing that I'll regret is doing it what are you I want you to help me out but my point is the fact that like everybody wants this crazy

porn star and no one has the camera outside of themselves to be like, why? Fuck, man. Can I tell you what, though? Just about this guy. I just want to encourage realism. About this guy specifically, and this, I think, is going to go to your point. Because when he described this girl, he didn't say hot first. He said she was funny.

He said she was smart. Then he said she was beautiful. For me, what's attractive is someone, this is narcissistic, but what's attractive is someone kind of being into me. You know what I'm saying? So you like girls that are into you. Who knew? What a crazy concept, going to a bar and being like,

I like the girl over there that's into me as opposed to a girl over there who doesn't even know I exist. Do you like a girl because you think she looks like a girl that would be into you? Like, you walk into a room and you scan, and you're like, oh, that girl's kind of, like, hipster cute. Wait, wait, you just gave me a nosebleed. What was the question? Do I like a girl who think I might be into...

What? What was it? You're scanning the girls, and it's like, oh, I'm attracted to that type of lady. I'm scanning the girls RoboCop style. Target acquired. Do you land on a girl that looks like a type of girl That would like you or she actually Has to be into you

My experience is anytime I go after the girl That I think that I would really really like It ends up being the girl that's like the worst fit for me The girl who ends up being that I like Is like oh just a genuinely nice person That likes being around me Peace Alright genuinely nice person that likes being around me. Peace.

Alright. Next month. Really quick, two sentences or less, what should this guy do? I forget the question. He wants to know essentially can he take it to the next level with his friends? Do girls hook up with guys below their league? Should he do anything? Abandoned league.

All the time. Almost exclusively they hook up with guys below their league. If you exchange that mindset to, like, there is no league, yeah, sure. Right, we're all in the league of humanity. Loser. No, he wants to know how can we tactically break it down so we can fuck her in the butt like the other guy. Well, actually, that brings us to our next and last question.

Let's get a little silly up in this. Why don't you guys provide us? I like getting real in front of a live studio audience. That's like my favorite. It's nice. Is it weird? Okay, good. You're beautiful, baby. That hair come from my butthole,

and I put it on my face for this just as moment. How are we doing on time? We started late, right? 20 minutes. Oh, perfect. If I hoidle doidles and you're my doidle, do I get to hoidle you? I think so.

All right. You're like a Yiddish riddle smith. A riddle smith. Yeah. What's Shmoyle doing? He's smithing his riddles. He's like in this workshop sweating leather apron like ding, ding, riddles. What a funny idea.

It's Billy Crystal from the Princess Bride, like, I shall, I shall answer my questions, Mr. Blumenfeld. Instead of Amir, what would you want your most Jewish first name to be? Instead of Amir Shmuel Blumenfeld, what would be a more Jewish name?

His middle name is Shmuel. Is it? It is. Sh middle name is Shmuel. Is it? It is. Shmuel, Shmuel, Shmuel, Shmuel. See, Christianity and Judaism can coexist. It's funny because Yiddish Riddlesmith is how an anti-Semite would call you if he thought you were Jewish. I only hear Dybbuk speak, you demon. Do you want to read this next question? I'd fucking love to.

Oh, this is exciting. It's a girl. You give me, okay. It's a lady, but... Tessie. Tessie? I like Tessie. No, no, no.

I have chosen. Tessie is the first name, but what's the last name? Du... Wait, Duan? It's got it. I've got it. Tess... I've shut the fuck up.

You animals. I'm an improviser. I take the first one I hear. Tessie Dewan. Who I'm sure neither of those names were actually said, but that's just what I heard. Hi guys is the first.

Tessie Dewan writes. Hi. Hi. It's been like... It's been like, it's been, it's been three days in Montreal and very little to no sleep.

So anyway. Hi guys. Love the show. Here's my saturation. What's like one of those raspy girls? Do you ever get attracted to the raspy girls?

Yeah. Like, I'm having so much fun partying. And you're like, what's up with you? Can I figure out where you're going later? What did you do to lose your voice? Yeah, being easy is what it is.

Ooh. Oh, fucking God, real. After the whole speech of like, just be you, and then like, sluts are sluts, right? The duality of man. Okay, okay, okay. Here's my situation. I've had a sexual fantasy for a few years now

that I can't seem to make a reality. I want to have a threesome with two guys as I stare my eye daggers into my soon-to-be wife. I have a threesome with two guys and be double-stuffed. Eh? Eh for the ladies? Brackets, double-stuffed

as in one in the front and one in the back, dot, dot, dot, not both in one. End brackets, like, get your minds out of the gutters you perverts I'm not an animal what a joy this show is okay I mentioned to my boyfriend in a playful

sexy way but was quickly shut down I started the conversation by asking about sexual fantasies and what kinky fun things we should try then I casually brought up threesomes asking about sexual fantasies and what kinky fun things we should try. Then I casually brought up threesomes. My boyfriend jumped on the idea of having a threesome with me and another girl, which is fine.

Then I mentioned a threesome with another guy and that I wanted to be double-stuffed. Dot, dot, dot. Crickets. What's written? I can imagine Sammy like, I'd like to be double stuffed. In earnest,

in earnest, like me, I'm looking at you being like, you know what? Two in one hole? Just like, no, not two in one hole, like one in the front

and one in the back. That makes sense. But like double stuffed, like a fucking double-decker Oreo. Only more cream. Crick. Continue.

Bloomingfield. Oidle. I'd like to oidle that oidle. Crickets. End of conversation. It's not like I want my boyfriend to mess around

with another guy. It's not about that. It's just something I think would feel amazing and I want to try it. I know it might be a little unsettling to hear your girlfriend say she wants to get double stuffed.

There it is. Three times. She wants to get double stuffed. She wants to be in the middle. She wants to be in the middle. What the fuck? You guys are animals. You just won me over Way to go Way to go

I like these guys now I like them Way to go guys Okay Now you're fucking dead to me Okay I'm settling here Okay. Now you're fucking dead to me. Okay. And settling here, your girlfriend said she wants to get double stuff.

I totally get that. But here's the thing. I really want it to happen, exclamation point. So here's the question, colon. And I do appreciate grammar. So she's done all right. How do I bring this up again in a way that's not pushy or offensive, but lets

my boyfriend know that it's more important that I made it seem during our first conversation. She's ESL. Also, just out of curiosity, how would you guys respond to a girl if she asks you that? Is it off-putting or sexy?

Thanks for the help. Tessie um tessie one person let's get over to tessa dewan all right first thought i feel like the only person that would be down in this trio is this Dio right here. It is like when you hear that conversation, like when you're like, hey, I want to have a threesome, you're like, huh? And then she's like with another dude and you're like, huh?

Huh? But also, why did you, like, why is it so great for another girl and for another dude to come in and you're like, fuck no. I'm going to reel two chicks. I deserve that. That's fair.

Here, let me let you in on this. Tell me why. In my threesome fantasy with two ladies, the two ladies are also into each other, right? Right. That's great. That sounds fantastic. Of course. But in her threesome, in double stuffing, there's nothing I'm going to get from me in a mirror

looking across from a pig that we've got on the spit. Some pig. Except... And we're like, and I know you. This isn't fair. And we're like, no, but no, I don't want to do that. You guys are doing that, and that's good. Keep on doing it.

And sure, you're looking into each other's eyes I'm trying to look over here I'm reading a Kindle But you know Yeah I've got my phone You know that your girlfriend's In full on ecstasy right now

Yeah You're giving her her dream Her hope Her fantasy You're You know You're right I know I'm right

Here's what it is But I also know I would never fucking do it I have a theory If you don't mind Go And I've a theory, if you don't mind. Go, and I've got one thing. Do you mind if I give you a beat? That does not help.

Do you mind if I give you a beat? I gotta wait in line for the DMV. Do you mind if I give you a beat? I have no pressure to use it. I've just been working on some shit. You're a waiter at a restaurant. Nobody's ordering beets. Do you mind?

Can I bring you a plate of beets? Have you decided on your order to help you? Mind if I give you a beet? Let me make my point. I won't be able to make it rhyme. Let me make my point and then we'll be able to make it rhyme. All right. Let me make my point, and then we'll try to rhyme it. Sure, yeah. Let's just abandon the rhyme.

Here's the trade-off. That was the beginning of a song. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Here's the trade-off. We're all doing it. She's saying, first of all, we like the idea of us with two other girls. So she's saying, that's the trade-off.

So you're saying, this is an awkward moment, but what I get in return is, okay, this is a deal. I'll do it with another guy if we do it with another girl. I think it's worth that trade-off if you don't imagine yourself to marry this woman because then it's like, oh, when am I going to marry a girl?

And then like, oh, every time I'm like, oh, me and another guy fucked my wife. I don't think that's okay. But I think if you've never had a threesome, I think fucking a girl with another guy fucked my wife I don't think that's okay but I think if you've never had a threesome I think fucking a girl with another guy might be an alright price to pay for that Principeche

Really, really, really that was a two person applause but I think they're thinking about it because it makes so much sense Let me Let me piggyback that thought in a slightly more... Can I give you a beat? Please, John.

Hey, brother, can I give you a beat? I think it's more about this. Oh, this is going to get so real. Things get real on our show. This is perfect. You made it weird, Pete Holmes. I think those, like, Things get real on our show. This is perfect. You made it weird.

Pete Holmes. You guys, I think the thing is, is, like, man, there's a bit of, here's the weird thing about it, whether we like it or not, whether we want to admit it or not, but the animal kingdom does,

but we don't. But there's a little bit of ownership when it comes to sex. There's a little bit of, like, I put my thing in you, or we put our things together, and now I kind of get you for a bit. And so if you combine that, it's just what it is.

If you combine that with feelings and emotions, like I love being around you, I'm a seven, you're an eight, I don't care about leagues. But we're together, I think that even makes it tougher. I think if you were gonna go for like... It's harder for me to imagine my love, the love of my life, the woman I'm gonna marry to be double-stuffed. As opposed to some lady in Montreal

that I just second-matched. She has to stop using double-stuffed. Oh, definitely. Double-stuffed is a little like, yeah, I would react poorly to that too. Baby, it's casual. I'm just talking about being double stuffed. And like, which dick do I get? Is mine in the vagina?

Which dick do you get? You don't get any dicks. Jake, for the last time, you don't get any dick. Hey, babe, double south. I love the idea. So you fuck me, he fucks me, or... Which one's what? Which dick do I get?

So you got the strap on, he got the dick. Which one do I get, baby? Jakey boy. Here's my answer. I always quantify shit, like you saw the last question. Give me metrics, baby. If this guy's not down with a one-to-one conversion rate, let's fucking up the ante.

We institute, okay, how about two threesomes for one? Three. How much is the double stuff worth to you? Three, four, five threesomes? At a certain point, he's going to have to make a call and be like, it's worth ten threesomes. And at that point, if he's down, I think you go for it if you really think it's worth it.

If this guy still says no, I think he wants to marry you, which is kind of special in a different way. Then you break up and you get double slept by two dudes that aren't your boyfriend, and that's also good. Oh, and that's like a real hard one to look at at Facebook. But here's the thing. I will say this. This is a slight, slight, slight epiphany of the idea of being able to give your true,

true loved one the most incredible fantasy that he or she has ever had. It's pretty rewarding in itself. But not to say that's without incredible obstacles. I think of Lady Luck over there, and I love her, and the idea of giving her her dream is great, but at the end of the day,

some dude, either my friend... I would be honored, sir. He would be honored, sir. I know, I know. It would be a dream come true. Okay, well, not that much. Dream come true spelled with a C-U-M. Absolutely.

A cream come true. A cream come true. But, but, but, but, either, like, a pal of mine helping me on this, or a stranger, some fucking jacked up hipster with tattoos, and he's got Ryan Gosling body. Dope.

Either or, it's still really, it's on tunnels. And you need to, you got to weigh it all, man. Do you have the emotional fortitude to provide your loved one with her dream? Oh, doodle, doodle. If you got a hoidle, a doodle, do you hoidle? I don't know. You do. I think you got it.

Jake hoidles. Jake hoidles any doodle. I hoidle a doodle. He wouldn't want a doodle. All hoidling is hoidle. You've hoidled any doodle? I've hoidled a doodle before, yeah. Have you spitted a double spitter?

Oh, yeah. I've spitted a double spitter. You've been the doubler in a double stuff? I've witted a triple spitter. You know what I'm saying? You've double, you've triple stiffed? Have you really? Yeah, dude.

Triple? I don't know what we're talking about. Have you quadruple stuffed a woman? Quadruple stuffed a woman? There's not a fourth. But there's, you're like the guy like waiting. I've never been on deck. I was the guy waiting that actually nutted from jerking off just to stay hard

it's like oh when's my turn when's my turn fuck me back to the line Hurwitz I need you to know I need to know if you've if you've double or have you double stuffed

no I mean that's a really and I would fucking love the opportunity to be frank with you. Tonight, Montreal. There's so many, there are so many women screaming. If one of your girlfriends is screaming that loud, look at her like this.

Huh. And then shake her hand I didn't know that it was a chorus of very female screams the specific question was how would you guys respond to a girl if she asked you that

I'd run the scenario through my mind I'd judge the pros and cons I mean you gotta like is it off puttingputting or sexy? It's neither. It's a little scary. If it's someone I'm dating casually, it's not

that big of a hurdle. It's more about the question of who's the other guy that's double-stopping you. I'll get my friend Dave in here and he'll do it. Oh, Dave! Wait, Dave Budenick? No, Dave Rosenberg. That clam dip, though.

Yo! I fucking almost had a three-way with Dave Rosenberg. Came this fucking close. But if it's something you truly, truly care about, that's an emotional girl you got to get. It ended up just being a two-way with just me and him, by the way. So you guys fucked each other. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

Missionary gay sex, I like a lot. with just me and him, by the way. So you guys fucked each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. Missionary gay sex, I like a lot. Jake, what would you do? Would you go for it? Would you consider it? Yeah, I would consider it. You know, I would talk to her about it. Whether it's the love of your life or just a random lady that you're into?

I guess if it's a random lady that I'm into, then I'd fucking do it. And if it's the love of my life, I'd say, let's talk about this. Let's zoom out a little bit. I'd ask on the scale of dreams, where does it lie? Because... Below world peace? No, because

if this is a 10 out of 10, like, ultimate scale of dreams, I want her to have it. I truly do. Wow, that's beautiful. It's gonna be a hard thing for me to do, but like, if this is a woman, and I'm like, if it's your ultimate dream where if you die and you say, I've never had this before and I regret dying right now, I will have wanted to be the guy that gave it. And she's like, that's great. So you're not involved.

It's Zach Woods and Kumail Nanjiani. Ooh, what a dream. You've picked the perfect candidates. Zach over Kumail. Just because he brags about having a big dick. Kumail does. Zach would never do that. Zach would be like, my penis is small. I'm sorry for having one.

Are they here? Fuck it. Let's talk about them. Anyway, Amir, what would you do? That's what I would do. I think if it would be someone that I envision being with forever, I don't know if I can have that vision over me. But if it's somebody that I don't imagine being with for the rest of my life, I think it's a worthwhile price to pay.

And who's the dude you have a threesome with? Yeah, who's the guy? Oh, the other guy? Yeah. I don't know if it could be you because I have to stare at you for the rest of my life. So? Dibs! Dibs! Hello! could be you because I have to stare at you for the rest of my life. So? Dubes! Dubes!

Hello! A schmear! I win! I win! That's our time! Thank you guys so much for coming. Thomas Middleditch. Thomas.

And you guys have been great. Thank you guys so much. Thank you.