Segments - 166: HeadGum

Episode Date: August 3, 2015

In this episode we discuss cocaine and our new podcast network! This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, BespokePost.com and MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. If I were you, I'd follow through on every single thing you said that we would do. I'd take your hand, you would be me. I'd make it easy so that easily you'd see. The best advice is given to you right here by Jake H. and Amir B. How was that? Very soothing. That's correct. It was soothing.

Thank you. You nailed it. You nailed the tone of it. It shouldn't have been a test. Yeah, he said it was a soothing theme song, and you nailed it. Oh, really? No, I made that up. Of course.

This is Justin Kosis-ki and he has a soundcloud so if you search soundcloud.com slash justin hyphen ko-sis-ki you'll you're gonna have to spell that for people k-o-s-i-s-k-y oh easier than i thought sis-ki thank you justin big episode huge this we don't usually have shit to announce yeah this is an announcement it's an announcement episode it's something we've been working on for how long would you say um i mean i guess we've been talking about it for a year more i think more i think more than a year i think we were living in in New York when we came up with it. Wow.

Yeah. No shit. Because I remember Kunal was there visiting us. And we went to the whiskey and we were coming up with names. Remember? That's true. So we were at least in New York. We could look at when we registered the domain.

Oh, I think it was two years ago in September. Holy shit. Anyway anyway it's a pretty cool thing so anyway we follow through sometimes it only takes two years sometimes it takes 25 months uh you might have heard it at the top of the show this is now a head gum podcast that is correct head gum this is a head gum podcast that's That's right. That was Rose. Fun fact. Shout out to Rose for lending her voice. What is a HeadGum podcast? What is a HeadGum?

What is HeadGum? Those are all questions we asked ourselves when we registered the domain name. Yeah, we got the domain name first. And we're like, what's the business plan here? We've got something. I guess the idea was to make a podcast network because we were a part of a podcast network last year and it was our podcast and a bunch of other podcasts right but you want you don't want to work for the guy you want to be the guy i don't want to i don't

yeah i don't want to be the middle man i want to no sorry i don't want to pay the middle man i want to be the middle man right um and we, instead of being on a podcast network with some people that we don't know, what if we just got all of our friends? That's part two, because we don't want to start a huge podcast network with a bunch of nameless faces that we don't know. We're just willy-nilly picking up podcasts. Yeah, we want friends and family. We approached only our friends and our family.

So, for example, Rosenberg twins. Oh. Dave and Jeff. Oh. We love them. We have them on our show as much as we can. But our show can't always be Jeff and Dave. But their show can be. Yeah. And Mike Carnell. That's right. So they have a show on our network. Right. My three friends that I've known since I was like 13 or 14. They now have basically almost a spinoff, but not quite really. Right. It's just them.

If you like the episodes with Dave Rosenberg on our podcast, if you like the episodes with Jeff Rosenberg on our podcast, then I tell you what, you are going to love Mike Carnell. Unfiltered. These are three friends that know each other so well they have they've known each other for more than half their lives uh when i heard the first episode of that podcast i was crying laughing i could not contain myself it has one of the funniest insults that dave throws it i won't spoil it but just listen and you'll know the insult that i'm

talking their podcast is Twinnovations. And the idea is basically... Is it Twinnovations or Twinnovation? Twinnovation. Either way, it's Dave and Jeff coming up with business ideas and Carnell sort of moderating the two. Carnell throws some in too. Right. That's an example of a friend that wouldn't necessarily have a podcast on a network

if he didn't know us and we didn't love them and now you guys can enjoy it too right uh another example julia noon's oh the nooner uh very funny friendly talented uh musician that we're friends with she has such a distinct voice and we say know what? It's time we didn't just hear songs of hers. It's time we hear words of hers and her opinions and her opines. So she had this idea for a podcast called That Was Us, where people bring in an old example of their writing. Actually, your episode, Jake, might be online right away. Oh, I am. And things got real right off the bat we

end up talking about birth control exactly uh pretty solid you brought in like an old email that you wrote yeah i wrote an email to planned parenthood when i was 18 right and i i think i'm on episode two of that podcast every episode every new podcast we have is available now on headgum.com so we'll usually people have a set schedule like ours will be every monday i think dave and jess will be every thursday or friday julia's will be every wednesday but we made sure that there's at least one episode online of every podcast for you to enjoy right now those are just two of the i think we're launching with 10 or 11 yeah your mom has a podcast my mother's doing one you're fucking one of the first people who approached me yeah

she came crawling out the woodwork as soon as she found out i had a network you grilled her you you said i want to see 50 ideas and then you and then you didn't even read the list and you're like let's see 50 more never treat my mother I would never treat my mother this way. Never treat my mother this way. Unlike the normal type of podcast, which is 30-year-olds yelling at each other, your mom's is a very... She's a soothing 50-year-old woman. I don't know if she wants me to say her age.

I'll just go back to the age that she used to tell me to tell her friends when we ran into them at the mall. She's 35. Okay, soothing 35-year-old woman. I got in real trouble one time. She was like, someone asked how old she was. She's like, 35. I'm like, you're 37. Mom, you're 37. She got so mad. I love you, mama. You don't look a day over 25. What's your mom's podcast? It's called The Easy Chair. The idea is that it's called the easy chair the idea is that it's i think she her intro is just like uh welcome to the easy chair uh so let me tell you a story and then she's just week to week she's uh my mom is a

young adult fiction writer which oh you anybody would know that because she promoted promoted her novel on our show that's true uh but week to week she's just going to be reading a story um and every episode is part of that short story that you read yeah uh also very enjoyable um quite soothing not unlike the intro song uh then there are some podcasts that have been going on for a while that we incorporated or brought back like streeter's podcast yeah talk of shame uh streeter had a podcast last year that took a hiatus but we're basically begging him to bring it back

where he has comedians slash friends on to discuss most embarrassing stories with Streeter we were both on that episode that podcast as well Josh Rubin has another podcast

the mindhouse podcast josh rubin is somebody that you should love already uh he was on our show he's really funny yeah he uh is just a really funny guy in general see him on college humor everywhere here's an episode you guys would love is he had Thomas Middleditch on. And it's like just one unbroken bit pretty much the entire time. It is so unfiltered, Middleditch and Josh Rubin. Almost too much, but not enough. And then he has interviews with other artists and actors and comedians trying to discuss their craft, how they became what they became. And who they became.

There's other podcasts from some of our friends that you may not know yet uh podcasts that you should probably get into uh for example uh the gilmore guys really really good guys uh that's another podcast that's been around for a while um right they're already they're like into season four of dissecting the show right yeah they are twice a week and they discuss episode by episode gilmore girls so if you're a gilmore girls fan highly suggested recommendation even if you're not it's pretty fun to watch them dissect a show like this yeah yeah uh but if you are it's especially good uh they also if you're looking for something to watch on TV,

you should start the Gilmore Girls and start their podcast. They also said we would be on their show soon, so hopefully that will happen as well. Oh, my friends Laura Lane and Angela Spira, they have a podcast called This Is Why You're Single. It's true. It comes from their, they do a sold-out comedy show by the same name in New York.

They're writing a book by the same name. And I think they're a perfect female podcast for, you know, being single and dating. Yeah, anybody can listen to us where it's just two dudes waxing philosophical about how dudes do dudes things. Yeah, and I do know what I'm talking about. And I can't speak for every gender. In fact, don't listen to their podcast. Listen to ours. But if you want a different opinion,

a different angle, a different viewpoint, this is why you're single also on the HeadGum Network. Listen to that podcast just for their jingle. It is so good. Also, black men can't jump in Hollywood. Talk about a different viewpoint from ours. It's Jonathan Braylock, James III,'t jump in Hollywood. Talk about a different viewpoint from the NARS. It's Jonathan Braylock, James III, and Jerome Milligan talking about African Americans and their place in movie,

the film industry currently and in movie history in general. These guys are three black comedians from the UCB. They're super funny dudes, and I really love their podcasts specifically because they will go on these rants that are just so funny but then also there's like a bunch of times where they'll break it down

into like really poignant social commentary. Yeah, they flip back and forth between the two. That's like actually powerful. So it's like there's not a lot of comedy podcasts out there

that are like funny and make a point. And this is one of them. And then I think the last one we haven't spoken about yet was Couple of Questions with Danielle, Joanna and Claire, also friends of ours. And they interview couples who have been together for at least two years. That's the minimum requirement. So there's nobody that's half-assed in here. About just them and their relationship. And that one gets very in-depth and very cool and very interesting.

We did that one and they were like, right off the bat, we're asking us the most intimate personal questions we've ever been asked in an interview. Yeah. And we're like dodging and making jokes and they're like, ha ha. But really, when was the last time you two were mad at each other? Right, we're like dodging and making jokes and they're like haha but really when was the last time you two were mad at each other right we're like whoa like do you remember your first intense conversation together yeah when did you know you guys were really really gonna last like be together yeah what does jake provide that you can't get anywhere else and what does amir do that jake

doesn't do i don't know if our episode is going to be first, but our episode is coming up from that. They're all, basically all these podcasts are, we try to choose the most interesting, also the most entertaining, not necessarily humorous, but sometimes very much so. And they represent different slices of life. There should be something for everybody. So if our podcast doesn't give you enough... Or especially if you like our podcast, then you know that you have the same taste as us and we like all the podcasts we picked up.

And they're all on... You also forgot to mention John Gabrus. Holy shit. There's too many. Yes, that is true. Okay, the last one we haven't talked about yet is the one that we've actually been the most involved in. So, there's no real reason for us to forget.

He was over literally an hour ago recording in our studio. Maybe that's why he slipped my mind. John Gabrus, one of the funniest guys we know, who has been on our podcast before. We specifically seeked him out and was like, do you have a podcast? And he said... He's so funny. He was like making me laugh doing nature box ads by himself. He was great on our show, but he doesn't have a podcast because he doesn't know how to start a podcast.

So we're like, don't worry, we'll take care of everything else. You just provide the show and we'll hook you up. So Gabrus' show, his pilot episode is us, me and Jake on his show discussing what the show will be. So find out. We didn't really know other than just like John Gabrus being John Gabrus.

Yeah, it's like he didn't need to have an idea for us to want him to do a podcast with us. Yeah, his podcast is called High and Mighty. If you know Gabrus, you'll understand how funny it is. And if you don't know Gabrus, now is a great time to figure it out some of these shows have us on it already which is sort of a good gateway like Gabrus's first episode and then Jake's on Julia's first episode Jake and I have done

Streeter's podcast we're gonna do Josh's podcast we're gonna try to make an appearance on it some of these podcasts but give them all a try. At the very least, start with the ones that sound most interesting, and you can hear them all, hopefully, if everything goes well on the technological side, on headgum.com. That's H-E-A-D-G-U-M.com. And all these people are going to be very active on their respective social media, so let them know what you think let them know that you're enjoying and yeah listening that you're checking it out they'll be very excited we're all as excited as hopefully they are as hopefully you guys are so everyone's sort of this is an exciting

day as it were remember that part of every episode where we're like hey yeah click on our links get us advertisers it helps us uh make the podcast better yeah that's this right for that now like you guys did it enough that our podcast was successful and we're using it to make more podcasts uh uh it does sound like we're just hammering at home but i really do think our fans will like a lot of these shows i don't know if you like every single one obviously there's something for everybody i know they'll like every single one really i like to do sort of a foolhardy confidence yeah i think you'll love them all sorry you will love them all guaranteed uh so that's it that's your money back this is the official launch we haven't promoted

it we haven't tweeted about it we haven't facebooked about it so this episode of this podcast monday august 3rd is the official thrust there should be the first episode if everything goes well for every single one of these podcasts do check them out this is an exciting moment uh how do you feel about it uh i'm pumped uh at first we were like let's start with four or five you know let's take's take it slow. I think, didn't we first say, let's start with 10, and then we only got, like, bites from three or four? Right. And then by the time Garrett Boatman, very talented guy, built the website, by the time we got everybody else on board, we started thinking, oh, he should have a podcast. Oh, they should have a podcast. Oh, let's approach this person, this person.

Right. We're at 11. It's amazing. 11 for the launch we chose a very busy time in our lives while we're working on our tv show to do this so that's why i'm saying i hope this is all online i hope everything's going well because i think i might be too busy to fix anything if it breaks yeah so in a perfect world everything's online available for you guys to uh bite into as soon as possible uh and yeah i guess we hope you like it

and thank you for checking him out you will like it you will check it out appreciate that do you know that this makes me feel kind of like the first time we recorded a podcast do you remember the very first podcast that we recorded uh in my old apartment in williamsburg yeah where we didn't oh you sang the theme song it was on at my kitchen table and like the way but like the way i felt while we were doing it was like i think we're having fun but like i have no idea if this will ever turn into anything yeah you don't know we had no idea if our podcast would be like a thing absolutely panned like like if you were gonna be like we only like the videos jake and amir, don't talk. Don't say anything.

Don't do a podcast. It's true. It's people only knew us as these characters where they'd have to wait, you know, a week to watch three minutes of a sketch. And yeah, like sometimes we do outtakes. Sometimes we do like meet and greets or, you know, live streams or whatever. But podcasting was, that was a scary one yeah well um what podcast does that no other medium does is like not only can you hang out

in a seemingly very intimate environment just you listening to us too but it also we can come up with 45 minutes of content a week like right even if you have a great tv show that's 22 minutes or an hour a week for like seven weeks or 20 weeks a year this is like 45 minutes maybe once maybe twice a week for three years straight it's insane and now that we have all these other podcasts with us how much content are we helping to put out into the ether that's true and all you guys listen to pocket this is the hard part is getting people to listen. You guys are already listening. If you're hearing this,

you're listening to a podcast, you know how it works. Uh, and hopefully you guys have a little bit more time on your schedule to enjoy some of these other podcasts. Um, what else was I going to say? Oh yeah.

The name head gum. Oh yeah. Um, doesn't mean anything, kind of. It does not have any real meaning. Well, we've got different... First of all, do you want to tell everyone who came up with it? I think he just did that.

Do you want to tell everyone? I think it was Marty, right? It's fucked up. Can't correct you because i'm not supposed to know that's why i asked do you want to do you know who came up with it i actually can't remember it must i think maybe it was like one of those group think things like where i said i can maybe search my email head corn and then yeah you said that was correct you said head I was like, that's pretty close. That's better. Head corn is actually better. Head gum. I think you said it, but I liked it the most. I actually, I did say it and then I lobbied against it.

Right. Well, I love it because it's fun to say and it's easy to say and it's easy to spell and it's quick to write and the domain name was available. Yeah. And there are two real words. Yeah. Head and gum yeah uh the reason i like it is because it feels like fresh breath for your brain it's like hey chew on one of our podcasts it'll like it's candy for your mind yeah well that's the other way to look at it because like gum can be like minty fresh refreshing your breath like you know your breath is bad and the and the gum fixes it it's like a cure it's like you imagine a red itchy red throat

and then like the lozenge goes in and everything turns to green yeah that's what i imagine it's like a messy orange brain you listen to a podcast and then all of a sudden it's freshness it's a nice green nice green healthy looking brain is it too late to change the name to mind fresh or fresh mind because now that you're saying this i feel like we have a fresh air podcast already that'd be great but then the other alternative is is it's like a bubble like bubble gum is it a gumball for your brain because that's a little more playful oh Oh, yeah. It's a little more fun. Like that kind of shit. Which one do you think it is? I think it's the first one, the one where it's fresh because it's like sort of light entertainment.

Refreshing. It lets you, like you're on a commute. You're sitting in traffic. It's not a fun situation. No one wants to be doing that. Or you're at the gym. You're pumping weights. You're on an elliptical.

And I know you want to be doing that because you ain't going to the gym if you ain't going to the gym to work you know what i'm saying so they or you're doing dishes or you're doing laundry it's a way to fill up space in your day in a more entertaining way holy shit it's a way to fill up space in your day in a more entertaining way what do you say um that's how At least that's how I thought of it. Well, I thought of it. We should read that old email thread with some of the ones that we came up with. Oh, man. Oh, we're just like us brainstorming?

Yeah. Oh, God. It's so long ago. Let's see. The first email. Just Google HeadGum and then go to your very first one that says it. Yeah. There's 147 emails in my account that say head gum oh no should be way more yeah that was just the beginning of it oh dear there's a way to go to last oh really oh no here we go 337 Um, oh my Lord, an 84.

I bolt, this is an email, uh, from Jake to me, September 4th, 2013. Wow. So this is soon to be two years ago. Here's a bunch of, I just searched for, I bolted the ones I'm super into, including some before i feel like let's make a move once we got this choice out of the way we can get into the real shit like ordering business cards and doodling a logo classic me pizza thief good game team sick squad really solid quilt fort dope force tic-toe head gum wow did i bold that one no uh Sick Squad, Really Solid, Quilt Fort, Dope Force, Tick Toe, Head Gum.

Wow. Did I bold that one? Yeah, those are all bold. Doan Bone, Backyard Mob, Backyard Squad, Tree Fort Trust, and Fort Built. Fort Built. And then you said, I still think Trustfall is perfect. Yeah, Trustfall was a domain

that we weren't allowed to get. And then I said, I really like HeadGum. My sister-in-law said it's quirky and sounds like empty calories for your brain to chew on. But my brother says it sounds like getting gum stuck in your hair,

which is bad. So that was the pros and cons of HeadGum at an early age. Then I found some websites that weren't available, but we could buy like therecess.com for $1,100. I'm happy with HeadGum. I really am. Especially because the other ones we were considering

is Braille cast and doodly doodly yeah stiff milk pod stiff stiff pad towel fort oh towel fort was good i remember that was my vote yeah i like i said i like towel fort but i like head gum more easy to say and spell towel fort the problem is towel fort. It's like I say that to my parents and they don't instantly understand it. Yeah, no, it's not as good as head gum. Head gum's nice.

I think the more you say it, like if anybody out there is bumping with it right now, just keep on saying it because I didn't vibe with it either and now I love it. Head gum. It's sturdy. It's like thick and you just,

you like saying it. Hey, tell you what, how about's like thick and you just, you like saying it. Hey, tell you what, how about a little bit of free promotion right now from you to us? Turn to the person to your right or left and say, hey, I'm listening to a head gum podcast. Hey, just so you know, I'm listening to a head gum podcast. Guy getting beat up on a bus.

Leave me alone. Run to your, run to your door, lift up the window and say i'm head gum as hell and i just can't take it anymore um yeah i don't know should we take a break we've been talking for uh 25 minutes solid endorsement we had a lot to say we had to get this off our chest this has been inside of us for two years what an exciting day day for us to finally expose it to the world. Most people don't work this long on anything. And I guess for a long time, we were not necessarily actively working.

But for the last couple months, we've been getting these people together, getting them recorded, getting them online. Thank you to the people at Spreaker for helping us out. For real. They're giving us hosting. We're using their awesome player. So we really appreciate it. Spreaker.

We really appreciate it. Garrett Boatman for building the website that looks so good. And everyone else that's helped us along the way. And all of our podcasters and all of our listeners. Let's take a quick break and we'll come back and answer some fucking questions for crying out loud. This is an advice podcast. Finally. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on

squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain

name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

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Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties,

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just takes shits on a microphone for two minutes a week and he sort of just we try to guess what he eats or guess what he had that day for lunch anyway yeah his first episode is also brought to you by squarespace uh all right headgum.com presents if i were you do you want to answer some questions on the show yeah i'm down should we talk about what the show even is or this one's for the fans they get it yeah they understand they know uh all right no they know they know they know they know here's a fake name rangy rangy rangy writes this is a real email from a real person fake name preserve anonymity real people real emails here we go it is It is currently 2.09 a.m.

And I am sitting in my car outside a dingy gas station typing out this message to you. We will get to the present in a minute. But first, some background. Two days ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. We had been dating around eight months. The breakup was sort of amicable because we're going to college in a month and she didn't want to go out with me anymore. I also have another ex-girlfriend that I dated for a year in high school and she went to college and we had a nasty breakup that was no good for anyone. Fast forward to now, two days after my more recent breakup at about 12 30 a.m. while out with friends, I get a text from my ex

ex-girlfriend saying she's in town. We talk for a while and eventually arrive at the conclusion that we should meet up. The problem is, if I meet up with this girl, I know we'll hook up. She knows it, I know it, and if God was real, he would know it. I'm a very weak-willed person when it comes to making out with her. It's possible it could even escalate farther than that. Hence, the convenience store where I'm buying an emergency box of condoms and some Sour Patch Kids while on my way up to meet with this, this, this, this, this vixen. So what I need from you two is to please record and upload a podcast in the next, say, 20 minutes that talks me out of this. But my ultimate question is, what are the ramifications of hooking up with someone soon after getting out of a relationship?

I don't want to hurt the girl I just broke up with. And she will definitely be hurt if she finds out I went straight to my ex after I broke up with her. Thank you very much. Love the show. Love. Rangy go. Rangy. Rangy.

Rangy. Thank you. Is there a moratorium? Is there a break period? If you break up with somebody, especially it sounds like if they break up with you. Yeah, I think that's the nut. That's the kernel.

Right. If you break up with someone, I think it is kind of a D-mo, a dick-moo, a dyke-move to hook up with someone, let's's say in the next three days okay because that's like hey you clearly wanted to hook up with her right when we were breaking up right that's but i mean like what you're there are no laws anymore no laws there are no rules it's not a rule it's not a

law it's just a unspoken thing that i yeah it's like can you live with that guilt and like or can you live with keeping that secret because obviously you know you're gonna go hook up with your ex and you don't want your you're gonna hook up with your ex ex and you don't want your ex to know right right how will they find out yeah it's probably going to be fine you're not cheating on anybody you're just going to hook up with someone right everyone is free unencumbered untethered stars in the universe right now you can hook up with whoever you want and it might hurt somebody but you know what you you cut yourself off from that person right uh and then definitely that applies if that person breaks up with you right then you can then

you should yeah you owe it to you the countdown is on yeah then i mean like for sure go and like hook up with whoever you can but it's such a complicated there's so many like different shades of this gray like who broke up with who was it an epic breakup were you guys together for a long time does your ex ex know your ex does you are you gonna hook up with someone that but knows both of you there's just lots of gray area tell me something because my opinion on this has changed as i've gotten older i'm'm wiser now. Yeah. I'm almost 30. Two days away from being 30, I should say.

That is correct. Just to continue this epic day. So, so, there is a time in my life where like, if I broke up with someone and found out they hooked up with their ex-boyfriend, I would have been livid. I would have been so hurt.

Yeah. But now if I did that, if I broke up with somebody and they went and slept with their ex, I would be like, that's understandable. You wanted to go back and sleep with someone. Like, that's a good entryway back into being single. Because, like, you want to sleep with somebody else that's not your boyfriend or girlfriend. Right.

But you don't want to sleep with a complete stranger. You want to go back to sleep with somebody that's familiar. It's like testing the water. Right. It's very... It's new but old's familiar. It's like testing the water. It's very... It's new but old. Yeah. It's exciting but also comforting. It would be fine with me if that happened.

I would be like, yeah, good. That means we're getting over each other. If I broke up with somebody and I heard that they hooked up with somebody else, I guess I would feel a little awkward because then it's like, oh, I was just hooking up with this girl. I shouldn't say hooking up with her. I was the only one to be intimate with this lady for however long, 6, 12, 18, 24 months. And now the thought of her since that being physical and sexual and naked and with somebody else feels a little weird.

It makes that person like an alien to you all over again. Yeah. But I guess I just feel like that's healthy. I remember back in the day, I broke up with somebody and I was like, it's good. It's over. We shouldn't be together. This is healthy. But then like somebody showed me a picture of them making out with somebody else.

And I'm like, oh, this still like feels bad. Why would someone show you that picture? I think're just like i don't know it wasn't like look at this it was just like hey look at like i don't know it wasn't ill-natured but it was just like it felt weird like oh i don't really want to see that right i guess i wouldn't want to see it either right but like knowing that it happened doesn't that make you feel a little i must think no i almost think it's like thinking about my parents have having sex like i don't want to hear about it i don't want to i but i'm like on some level i sure i like hope they have a healthy happy sex life like i want that for them

and the same thing with an ex like i don't want her to go into a hole and be celibate and not have any fun yeah i want her to get laid too but i don't want to know about it you don't want to know your ex-wife's sex lives exactly you didn't have to make life plural you made it not wrong ex-wife sex life my ex-wife sex life ex-wife because like you because the because the apostrophe yeah i know but because the s from sex you sort of don't need to make the life's plural ex-wife sex life oh my ex-wife sex life it sounds yeah yeah then we agree the double s yeah yeah uh but it's uh what did this guy ask oh he asked if it's okay to go and hook up with his ex-ex. Yes, it's okay.

We don't have to talk you out of it. I am kind of wondering why you bought some Sour Patch Kids in addition to the emergency box of condoms. We've done that. I hope you're using the condoms correctly. I hope you're not stuffing them with Sour Patch Kids. I hope the Sour Patch Kids was just a little treat for you. He's using the Sour Patch Kids to plug up his urethra.

So you do you, you know? little treat for you. He's using his power patch kids to plug up his erythra. So you do you, you know? You gotta do you. And you're right. There are no rules once you're broken up. There's just like a polite thing. Right. There's the unwritten etiquette. Yeah. And I think that usually goes to, it goes towards like

did that XX like negatively affect your relationship you know if i say i was going out with somebody and this girl's ex-boyfriend was always hitting on her and always saying like hey let's get a drink i just want to be your friend like right like that maybe then that would really bother me yeah you don't always like that guy if he was was a like a wedge that drove us apart yeah and then i was like we were breaking up and then she hooked up with him then i would be pretty fucked but if it's like if it sounds like this relationship came to a natural end and it was fine right so so i think it's okay

but then like what's the amount of time that will like actually if the other person found out wouldn't feel that mad like you you're always going to be mad. There's no amount of time. It always just has to happen. It just like, but it's... It's like, oh, he only waited three days. Oh, he only waited a week. Oh, he couldn't wait a month.

Oh, he couldn't wait two months. It's only been three months. It doesn't matter. But it's always going to feel weird. So you might as well like not overthink that part of it. Right. All right.

Oh, a question from a lady do you have a lady's name delaying delaying all right uh delaying a right i am a lady emailing you about a problem with a guy i am quote exclusively dating background i met this guy on Tinder. He turned out to not be a murderer. We get along great. We've been dating for two months now, though I was abroad for three weeks of that,

and we sexed often. A couple weeks ago, I had real-life, real-good sex with him. Now we don't text as much, but he'll still sext me a lot. Also, he stopped taking me on dates, though before they were very impromptu and revolved around food. Now when we hang out, we end up in his bedroom, hooking up and watching Netflix. Don't get me wrong, hooking up is great, and he's not always the instigator, but I just, I don't just want to bang this guy. I honestly feel like that he really

likes me, but he's making me feel like a fuck buddy so much so that yesterday i texted him saying hey take me on a real date i'm not your fuck buddy and he thought i was joking the crux of the issue is how do i make him treat me like a soon-to-be gf and not a fuck buddy without looking like a crazy bitch give me advice please thanks delingvo delinga delinga uh that's really hard that's a really hard question here's what i think okay i think early on guys sort of choose one way or another with ladies are they courting or are they fucking? Yeah. I think some guys are like, oh, I don't necessarily want to date this lady in a traditional way. I'd rather just bone them.

And then sometimes they're like, oh, I want to really treat this lady like a GF and not like an FB. Less more formal, less cash. Unless you're young and then you just want to bone anybody. It doesn't matter. Yeah. And it does have, that happens both ways. But the fact that he is trending you towards fuck buddy makes me think that he just wants you as that. It is no bueno. I will say that two, they've been together for, they've been doing this for two months and they did go on lots of dates that revolved around food there's a chance that he is just moving faster towards

relationship than you are like because going over and hanging out in bed watching movies and fucking sounds like oh that's like that sounds like they've been yeah they've been together for a year right oh so maybe he's like maybe he's accidentally sped up the courtship process right he's so far ahead of the game instead of behind but if you specifically ask them hey take me on a real date and he still doesn't do it right i would say that text was a little aggressive. Yeah. So maybe there's a more positive way to say like, hey, let, or, you know, you say, I want to take you on a date. Like invite him on, you create a date. You don't have to say, I demand to be taken on a date.

I'm not just your fuck buddy. Like show him with your actions that you're not a fuck buddy. Like if he says, come over my house tonight, you say, not tonight, but tomorrow let's get dinner. And then he'll say, I'm okay with the dinner. I'd really just like to have sex with you. To me, you are a buddy. To me, you are a buddy.

You are a buddy of fucks. You are a buddy fucker. You are a pal fucker. You are a friendship fuck fest. You're a pal fucker. You're a friendship fuck fest. A sex friend, if you will. So do you think it's too late for her? I don't think it's too late. But I think that there needs to be...

I'm not even sure there needs to be a discussion. I do think that something needs to change if this is the way you feel. And I think, I do truly think you can be the instigator. You do not have to wait around for him to treat you the way that you want to be treated. You suggest and make moves towards him treating you. Yeah, and then if the dates are fun, he'll want to him treating you. Yeah. And then if the dates are fun, he'll want to start planning them.

Right. Or you'll plan the next 10 dates and he'd be like, Hey, what's going on here? I'm the only one planning dates. Yeah. I mean, if he keeps on,

I think, I think what the move to do is, um, rather than getting mad and like, and asking for what you want, you sort of do what you want. And if he's not on board, if he's not like embracing it,

then you're like, then you talk to him. You're like, hey, I'm trying to like inject some, some romance into this thing. And you kind of just want to watch TV and pork. And then he's like,

well, I'm sorry. That's what I, that's what I wanted. It's relationship. Then you say, all right, brother, peace out. What if he's like, I'll go'm sorry. That's what I want out of this relationship. Then you say, all right, brother, peace out.

What if he's like, I'll go on dates with you, but every half hour I'm lying on the ground. I'm planking. I'm planking face up and you better ride me. You better ride my dick. I will. I think then, and then you're like, all right, well, let's go to TGI Fridays.

Okay. I will do that. I will go to TGI Fridays. Just no, 30 minutes on the dot. I will make my body stiff, so stiff that I will slide out of my chair. So then you let him do that. I will end up under the table. Or on top of the table.

Or on top. On top of the apps. I will be on top of a potato skin basket. On top of a jalapeno popper. With a medium dick, because it's not going to get fully hard unless you unless you ride me and then when he does that you just take uh you add it to your snap story and save the snap as well and you can circulate that video around online to shame him in the way that he deserves we might be getting ahead of ourselves but maybe that's the case um

dare we answer one more question wow i say let's do it because because this has been a long episode of us uh mentioning podcasts you guys deserve it you guys have earned it uh but let's before we do that just mention one more time try your head gumgum.com, listen to all our podcasts, please. Yes, if you guys leave this podcast wanting more, wanting more entertainment from not only ourselves, but from our friends and our loved ones and our mother. And my mother. And my mother.

Headgum.com. Enjoy. Third question from a dude. We'll call him Rise. Together we rise. I just graduated from college in the spring and I've been working full time for about two months now. I work for a startup in Philadelphia and I genuinely like it. The people are great. The work keeps me busy without being overbearing and And everyone, for the most part, has a real work hard, play hard mentality, which as a 22 year old recent grad is exactly what I'm looking for. But here's the problem. Another guy my age was also hired to a very similar position as I. So we're basically doing the same thing. It makes it a little competitive, but in a good way

as it's friendly and he pushes us both a little harder. However, this guy really believes in the work hard, play hard mentality, as he's been going to the bathroom several times a day to do a little bit of the quote, white girl. Obviously, I'm a little uncomfortable by this, but it's kind of hard to ask him to stop doing. Here's the thing. The bathroom visits seem to be working because his sales have been through the roof since he started doing them to the point that a moral no-no? I really like this guy too, so I don't want him fired, but it's going to be harder and harder to keep this thing under wraps if it goes on. Please help, love. Rise. Rise. That is a real problem. It's funny, when I first read this question the first time, when he said he's going to the bathroom to do a little bit of the white girl i thought he meant masturbating hmm yeah that that shows how cool you are dude uh turns out he means uh cocaine yeah he is going

to the bathroom uh work buddy slash competitor is going to the bathroom snorting cocaine and kicking ass at his job and this guy's like huh what do i do now right this is a tough situation he's like oh that's what a bad news i don't know if we should say or do anything because his numbers are really really good yeah i'm like i have a hard time buying you know what you're selling here I really think he might be okay. Well, here's like the different ways to go back and forth. It's like on the surface, tell on him. He's doing something bad.

And then it's like, all right, let's go a little deeper. You know what? He's not necessarily hurting anyone. He's doing a good job at work. You don't want to be a tattletale. And then you go even deeper than that. This guy's developing a drug problem yeah i have to help him i have to i have to help him on a moral level for

he's doing a pretty hard drug several times a day at work i think that's where i end up too you can't do cocaine at work i think like this problem would likely sort itself out eventually because maybe for a while, the cocaine is going to give them like, yeah, we're going to sell stuff. But pretty soon, and this does happen with cocaine, you're going to be like, yeah, I need more cocaine. Yeah, all right, all right, more cocaine. Where's the rest of the cocaine? What do you want to do for lunch?

You don't stay productive on it. You just want more of it. Yeah, you become dependent on the cocaine and then you'll just want to do cocaine all the time. You won't really think about sales. It is funny to imagine him hyped up on cocaine, Mike raving like a lean cuisine lasagna by the Mike rave

or doing something really mundane at work. Right. Like watching, like trying to fix the coffee machine or banging on a microwave. Or like picking up stuff from the printer, but it's not all yours. Yeah.

Somebody else printed like a return label from Zappos. Yeah. Is this yours? Woo! How do I get these to collate? Woo! Seriously, this five-in-one office workstation, I really can never get it to fax or scan.

Woo! I think I'm disconnected from the printer. Woo! What's the router? What's the router? What's the IP? Woo! What's the Wi-Fi?

Because I keep getting disconnected. Woo! Is it connected to the Ethernet? Woo! Woo! Woo! My Outlook calendar is in sicking up with my phone. Woo!

It's starting to crash. Oh, my God. Has anybody seen my favorite mug? Woo! Woo! Every time I try to heat liquid up in the microwave, it kind of splatters everywhere. Woo!

But I can't really wrap it in paper towel because that gets really wet. Woo. Does anybody want to get in on the seamless order? He's by himself in the office. Sunday night. So I think since two of those flip-flops angle towards you helping this guy, you should. But do you do it to his face or do you tell on him? If you want to be a real man, I think you go to him you say hey you're like you're doing cocaine at work

it's clearly not okay do you want to change do you want to do something uh because otherwise better for this yeah you have to you've got a something has to happen it's not acceptable yeah or if you want to be like a fucking gentleman, a true man, look your boss straight in the eye and you say, I am here to tattle a tale. And it's not going to be good, but I'm coming to you like I'm a young adult. I'm a 22-year-old man now. I'm out of college. I have to take care of my own business.

Sir, I'd like to tattle on my friend. I would like to sit here. Is that a stare you in the eyes and say sir i have a tattle tattles aren't for drugs you can't tattle on a drug weed maybe yeah but if someone has a drug like a legit problem it's not called tattling it's called uh helping so would it help to go straight to him i think the move is to go straight to him because it gives him a chance to come out ahead of it yeah and then if it doesn't then it's like but it's you got to really be you got to really not care about confrontation to go straight to

a guy about something like this i know if you can do it if you can do it more power to you i don't think i could do it but i think that's the right thing to do. If I were you, I wouldn't do it because I'm a wiener head, but I think you should do it. But you know what? I'm never going to work in sales, so it's not really my issue. Is it? Mercy.

Do you have to dial 9 to get out? Woo! Alright, that's it. That's it. That's our time. Fortunately, you now have many other podcasts to enjoy as part of the HeadGum Network. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you have your own questions, your own emails, your own theme song submissions, send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Justin Kosiski. And this closing is by one of our favorite ladies, Ali and Lizette, who have done a bunch for us.

And this is an Am I Wrong cover. Oh, yeah. So one last time, this is Jake and Amir for If I Were You and the HeadGum Network. We're saying goodbye. Woo! I'm never wrong Give me a surprise, Amir and Jake never wrong giving us advice

on your own track never wrong worshiping your words and all that is said we try to do what everybody else doing just as everybody doing what they all do

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