Segments - 167: Secrets

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

In this episode we discuss privacy, virginity, and our pilot! This episode is brought to you by BlueApron, BetaBrand, and Squarespace. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I love you. If I were you. The pinch. They are dope. This is my. Austin Williams. Schwartz and Doom. If I were you. Jake Hurley.

Amir Blumenfeld. I would listen to. Absolutely excuse you. That was Mark and Marie Very entrancing A brother and sister duo And they hook up? They don't actually hook up Oh, I was so confused for a second

Now I'm confused for a second Why did you think that they hooked up i guess i just thought i heard you say i did you what did you think you heard me say a brother and sister duo yeah i did say that couple or something it was so hot or weird i mean what for a second for what i thought for a second that they hooked up and I was like, that made me uncomfortable and not hard. It's funny because when I read this email, I assumed that this brother and sister were fucking each other.

So I responded. I said, thanks so much for your song. Weird question for you. Do you guys fuck each other? They responded what? They were like, LOL, we don't fuck, but we do hook up. Really? So I guess, I don't know.

They don't go all the way. Yeah. It's not incest if you don't go all the way. What a weird bumper sticker. Your honor. And then you find out that it is. It's a weird shirt to have. That awkward moment when you find out that it is. It's a weird shirt to have. That awkward moment when you realize.

You find out it is incest even if you don't go all the way. That awkward moment, Hen. Thank you, Mark and Marie. Mark and Marie from New Jersey. Hell, say, can you see? By the dawn's early light go on the whole country's national anthem has a weird slam poem what so proudly we hail by the dawn's at the twilight at the twilight's last gleaming

gleaming whose broad stripes and bright stars whose broad stripes and bright star lee here's something interesting I noticed and correct me if I'm

wrong but I think that Here's something interesting I noticed, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that Mission Impossible Rogue Nation's improbable feat is consistency. Excuse me? I think that the fifth movie in a long-running franchise opened this weekend, and it did what most mission movies do it earned a solid opening and it stuck the landing are you just reading deadline.com oh what are you talking about i really do think that in box office terms you do like you look at me right up until you start to clearly read an article. The first installment directed by Brian De Palma took in an inflation-adjusted $68 million. And who is Brian De Palma? Click his name because I'm sure it's a hyperlink wherever you are.

Fuck that noise, dude. I'm trying to have a conversation with you and you keep turning it back. It's very one-sided. You clearly have an opinion and an agenda and you're just going to read it. Because right now, I'm sort of throwing you off. Do you think that the 2011 pick, Ghost Protocol, directed by Brad Bird, was harder to gauge? What is going on with you right now?

I'm thinking. I'm just talking about whatever. You're not making conversation. You're steamrolling me. Thanks to Tom Cruise for writing that song. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet

hosted by me. And me. I'm Amir. And I'm me. We had such a busy week. This week was such a busy week for me. Yeah. Do you remember everything we did?

Yeah. Well, mostly we shot our, we shot our television show. We, or we should say that we shot the first episode of it? Yeah. Well, mostly we shot our television show. Or we should say that we shot the first episode of it. Yeah. The pilot. The pilot. And it might be the only episode ever.

Yeah. So when we wrapped, we're like, oh, this was great. I hope we get to do it again. Or there's a chance that we'll never do it again. It felt like going, I guess I never went to summer camp. Right. The idea is like, we went through this amazing bonding experience where we like made something with a bunch of people who worked super hard and really like fall in friendship,

love with all of them. Right. Everyone said, yeah. And then like the last day I can't be like, I'm going to miss you so much. I'll see you next summer. Right.

But we have to say like, I'm going to miss you so much. I hope one day I see you again. Yeah. Because that'll mean that we get to keep on making this. Or this friendship will have meant nothing. Yeah. So long and or maybe goodbye.

Right. It was a Monday through Friday schedule. Roughly 13 hours a day. Little time for anything else. Just emails piling up waking up early there were days i didn't even refresh instagram no don't say that it it really like it and it didn't even weigh on me like i would come home and i would be like oh i didn't even look at this today wow it was kind of cool like what like doing this thing because we were just like oh this is

what normal work hours are right that's true comedians don't operate from 7 a.m to 8 p.m every day usually it was fulfilling and exhausting yeah i don't think that like normal jobs usually feel like that that was like a dream come true right it was like a fantasy week i said i told somebody that like it was like we won or paid for an experience where it's like, you get to write a script and then we get a real crew to make it for you. And at the end of the week, we give you a DVD of your show and it just cost $8,000. But it's worth it because you get to act like a real's chair with headphones on. Right. Did you like more when you were in a scene and acting, or did you like more when there was a scene with other people in it and you get to watch and give notes? Oh, I think I, man, it's really hard to choose. They're both great.

I really, I did love watching and uh giving notes yeah it's more relaxing even more when i what when you don't have to give notes because you're just like watching you're just like super proud of what's happening and it's like we all wrote these words weeks ago and we had no i mean there were some lines that because we had the best cast you could possibly imagine and there are lines that like I didn't even realize were jokes when we were writing them. Right. But everybody in the show is so funny that they become funny lines.

They bring them to life. Even the exposition lines are funny, yeah. So now what? Now we have to put all this footage together. Not even us. We have an editor and a director and other producers who will help us piece it together. And then eventually we'll show it to TruTV and they'll ultimately make a decision.

And that's where we're going to beg you guys to bring back that little hashtag thing that we did. But don't pull the trigger yet. Easy, easy. If this is a slingshot, we've loaded the pebble yeah and over the next couple weeks we're going to slowly slowly pull back the band and then i will tell you when all of that pent-up energy is ready we'll release it and we'll have it'll be it'll be a shot yeah it will be a shot but so you get ready load the slingshot and i really think it should actually be a slingshot yeah yeah ideally we'll just slingshot uh people until they decide to green light our show idea we'll threaten them

yeah bart simpson style bart simpson's dennis the menace them uh and then all while this was happening uh our podcast network launched the same exact day yeah we we didn't spread the wealth very well no we were like dealing with the first day of our pilot shooting which is like a very exciting moment while also dealing with the first day of headgum.com launching right so if you guys don't know what headgum is it's this podcast network that we launched for our friends and family so we're just now part of a giant network a giant don't we're not we're not a conglomerate yet no yeah we're just now part of a giant network. Giant. We're not a conglomerate yet. No, yeah. We're a mom and pop shop of podcasts.

Just 10 podcasts. This is not... You can dive right in and listen to all 10. And some of you have. We're getting reviews. Our fans should actually weigh in on who we help launch podcasts for. Oh. So like people who don't necessarily have a podcast or people

who do have a podcast but not a network i guess both but like for instance we i feel like fans of ours would have and could have suggested like get dave rosenberg a podcast right we did dave mike and jeff have twinnovation yeah or maybe they would say, hey, we like your mama's podcast. We like your mama, have her launch a podcast, which we did. So who else is there? We took Josh Rubens, we got Streeter, we got... Yeah, who else is out there? Either one who doesn't have a podcast that you think would belong in our network.

Podcast-less or network-less? Oh, yeah, or who do have a podcast but not a network, a home that you think would belong well on HeadGum. You guys probably know the podcast universe more than we do. You know who you want to listen to. We can make it happen. Yeah, we can literally get anybody. That's the exciting part.

Yeah. Actually, Damon would have a pretty nice podcast. Matt Damon. Right. Do you think he would ever like sort of misschedule his podcast so it didn't come out? Oh, like he like scheduled it and it released it like eight hours too early and then he had to take it down. But iTunes already caught it. Yeah. So like some people are trying to download it.

So he has to try to contact iTunes, but like there's nobody he can contact. Yeah. It's sort of just like's nobody he can contact. Yeah. It's sort of just like a feed. Yeah. I don't think so. Do you think Damon had, uh, like a,

a podcast guest lined up and he like set up the equipment, but then like at the last minute that the guest canceled on him. Oh, like Affleck was like, Hey, I actually can't do your podcast today. Yeah. So Damon has to like unplug all of his mics and stuff.

And he like already had like poured a glass of water for today. Yeah. So Damon has to like unplug all of his mics and stuff. And he like already had like poured a glass of water for Ben. Yeah. So he drinks it himself. But it's too much. It's too much water. So he has to pee. Yeah. He has like a watery burp.

We should say thank you to iTunes, actually. iTunes really helped us out last week. They like gave us our own announcement on the front page of the iTunes podcast listing page. And they helped get all those podcasts on the front page of the iTunes podcast listing page, and they helped get all those podcasts onto iTunes and onto the same network. So if you guys are on iTunes, you can easily check out HeadGum

by searching HeadGum in the upper right-hand corner. For real. And I gotta just recommend Twinnovation episode two right now. Yeah, I highly recommend it. I listened to it. I was just in Santa Barbara for anybody who gives a fuck i guess amir doesn't but i knew that i i was driving back and i listened to episode two and uh ever dave really brings a gem you really a gem of a bad idea he

always brings a gem uh yeah this is exciting the first week was like everybody's first podcast now this week is like all right now people are starting to get into the swing of things uh episode two of most people and twinnovation's already released theirs early and so did black men can't jump they released there's actually two episodes in their first week uh and speaking of itunes i should say two more things you can also go to itunes.com slash head gum they made us that url really we'll send you right to the itunes page which is awesome uh and if you like a podcast on headgums network it really really helps to uh subscribe to it uh and to leave a positive review because uh the way itunes algorithms work is that they really weight those heavily. And we had like at one point,

like four podcasts in the top 25 of comedy. And it's all thanks to like reviews and subscriptions and the newnesses of the show. And then that, that led to people discovering the shows and discovering head come. And it's all just a positive feedback loop. So thanks to iTunes and thanks to you guys for doing all that stuff. Another idea I had is to just play a clip from that

High and Mighty episode at the end of this show. So if you haven't heard us on John Gabrus' show, you can just keep listening to the end of this program and we'll put in a little two-minute clip of us talking on that show. That's a good idea. Just to whet your appetite. We're good at marketing. A teaser.

You are. Well, that was my brother's idea. He's good at marketing. Was that you are well that was my brother's idea he's good at marketing was that your brother who is uh the designer or the doctor you know it was the designer brother i would imagine yeah it was the one who works in the startup universe that knew how to market that uh not the gynecologist who can save babies lives right which i guess is also important in a slightly different way yeah uh but this this, at this very moment, this is an advice podcast. So I'm going to read some real questions from real people who have emailed us to afireyshow at gmail.com, seeking our guidance for whatever reason. So, do you have a fake name?

I want to preserve this ladies' anonymity. Oh, hey, ladies. Let's name the people on our head gum network okay danielle okay danielle right couple of questions right she doesn't actually write this is yeah this is somebody else that's not her yeah she is a real person and she has a real podcast of course this comes from somebody who's not her. I get it. And that person writes, I'll get right down to it. I'm 20 years old, and in my first sexual relationship, I never felt very interested in dating before,

because I mostly feel that the guys who always hit on me are either sleazy or just annoying. I'm still in college and fell head over heels for my boyfriend, who I've been seeing now for a while. My boyfriend has also never had sex with anyone else either. He's a dime and a nerd. So as it turns out, we're pretty bad at sex. How is that fair?

Without getting too graphic and grossing you both out, it's a bit uncomfortable for me being a virgin and all. However, my hymen wouldn't even have a chance to break because my boyfriend is finishing in just seconds. We've had sex a few times now and he's not getting any better. You guys have made jokes about this stuff before and I honestly think it's pretty funny except I kind of want to have some good sex with him sometime. That would be cool. He's very embarrassed every time he comes and he doesn't think it's funny. I don't know what to do. I'm worried that this is going to affect his confidence in our relationship.

Do you guys have any tips for this? Is there something that I could be doing differently in bed to make his experience last longer and still make him feel manly and such? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Love the show, Danielle. A the show danielle a lot of thoughts a lot of thoughts on this what are what what strikes you initially uh sex is hard at first and in general and at first it's like a sport it's like oh i took two two tennis lessons and i'm not very good yet.

Right. Yeah. I would say sex is almost more complicated than tennis. This guy is seeing, maybe touching a vagina for the first time. Super excited, super into it. Prematurely ejaculating, it seems. And this girl is like, how long is it going to take? What's going to happen?

And I fear it takes more than just two or three times to become good at sex. Right. What did you think first? Well, I think, you know, obviously I agree. Practice makes perfect. Good communication is always important. You know, if your sex life isn't really great, you guys have to just talk

about it and see what would make you both feel great uh a couple little things to make him feel confident just like you know keep on having more sex he'll last longer but try to find a way that he can get you off without using his dick like fingering you or going down on you because then he you know will feel confident making you come what about calling him names like oh you like that you little pussy oh yeah you like slap his little little limp dick loser little pussy yeah look at this little wiener in a blanket you grab his little his little his little cock come in your fist and you say look at this little wiener in a blanket quickly what you're sally come too quickly what'd you say sally come quickly it's like a that's a thing right sally come quickly is it sally come quickly it might be i

just don't get it but like i've never heard that oh so so you say you call him that sally come too quickly yeah i was saying did you hear when i said you squeeze his little wiener dick and you say what is this little pig in a blanket oh a little wiener in a blanket yeah you'd like make fun of his little dick well no one said it was little he actually has a huge dick you can make fun of that too actually yeah your dick's too big uh so is this worth is this worth bringing up is this worth talking about oh it's sally come lately oh that's what it is yeah so don't so don't say sally come too quickly i don't fear i fear that he won't get that joke it'll still sting it almost doesn't really matter um you think he feels shame embarrassed yeah because like

first of all when you're in your first sexual relationship i know it's always important i just think that like the longer you spend in the sexual relationships and different ones you sort of learn that there's like a curve I remember when I first stopped using condoms because a girlfriend was on birth control. And I lasted so much shorter than I usually did. And for a while, it was hard for us to have a fully satisfying sex session for both of us. Were you a one pump chump? It wasn't one pump, but it was like. Were you a three pump chump?

It was more than three pumps, but it was four pumps. I would come first. And I was, you know, you're always the gold standard is to come at the same time. Oh, that's a great, that's a great get. And usually I pride myself on being pretty good at it. Oh, so you just basically time it to them. Yeah, I mean, well, I personally, Mom, if you're listening, share this with Dad. I know you guys are in Nantucket, so if you guys can actually huddle around the fireplace,

you could turn up an old-timey radio. Listen to this on the way to the beach today, my little daddy. I actually get off by other people getting off. So when people come, it really makes me come. Yeah, it's almost like it's... Because the physical feeling of of the ins and the outs is relatively unchanged right but like you can when you feel that energy of like this person's about to come and like it gets me i'm gonna come too and right so but and you know

then the problem is like sometimes when somebody is close you get really excited and you're like oh i'm i'm coming and they're like, oh, I'm coming. And they're like, well, I know, not yet. Wait, not yet. Oh, my God. Not yet is the worst. And I found that happening a little too much. Yeah.

Got it. Yeah. Not yet. If I have sex with anybody listening to this podcast right now, if you really want to make me fucking cum, say don't cum yet. I've never, that has only happened after that the ejaculation has happened like not yet not yet i'm like yeah all right i'll try to hold it in a little more oh dear not yet like oh as soon as you said as soon as you started that sentence i knew you were gonna say do you ever uh like uh delay the like announcement of it's like you you already feel it like it's starting and you're

like all right i'm close i'm close and then it's like all right now it's like you bought yourself a few more seconds instead of saying like i'm coming right now so you're saying i'm coming like as right like like literally towards the end no i always pre-announce it because because i want to just in case i hear not yet i I have to be able to pull back. I'm coming, and then they say, no, don't, or something. Oh, that's even better, yeah. And then you're like, okay, yeah, I can chill. I can chill on it.

But if I really go to the edge, and I'm like, I'm coming, and they're like, don't, and then of course I do, then my orgasm is ruined because it's just, it's euphoria and guilt all in one amazing cocktail which is yeah that's my entire life i think euphoria and guilt the name of your autobiography uh does it manifest itself in other parts of the relationship like bad sex yeah we have dinners yeah because you don't if you feel like he feels limp he feels like a piece of shit he can't make his girlfriend happy right i mean that's what is going on in his head i know people are like you make me happy in a million ways and sex is one of them but like when you're in that situation

you're like i can't make you come i can't make you laugh i can't afford to pay for dinner i you why are you even with me that's what's in his head it seems like the bit of advice here that might be good is like to he should try to get her as close as possible to the orgasm and then put his dick yeah but i think you do he has to have he has to practice and i don't want to say well i'll just say what i'm thinking and i don't know if it's entirely right but i would just try to fuck him like three or four times in a row oh yeah like it sounds like you could both handle it because the first session is really short yeah you treat the first one like exhibition basketball like it's a pre-season game a warm-up like on it you just like jerk

him off till he comes and then be like all all right. Oh, now that's the new basis. And then you're like, hey, go down on me until you get hard again and then come back. That seems like a plan right there. That's the plan of action. So you tell your boyfriend that Jake Hurwitz told you to jerk him off till he came. And then now he has to go down on you until he gets hard again. And then he can have sex i feel like that's the perfect plan because it like gives a timer to uh how long he goes down on her which would it's just

great for her right and then he has just you know finished ejaculated so he can't even he couldn't even come again if he wanted to it's it's the ocean's 11th of not coming too early. They do this. It's a perfect scheme. Yeah, they're going to do this, look up and notice that the painting above their wall is just missing. I propped them. You've heisted them. You gave them the perfect plan and it was all part of your elaborate Thomas Crown Affair ruse to steal a poster that says you missed 99% of the shots you don't make.

It doesn't even make sense. Why get that poster? All right, let's take one break, and we'll be right back with more questions after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying

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We're back, and this is our first podcast episode where we're both in our 30s. Yeah. Yeah, you're officially a 30-year-old. What's the fucking point? You're over the hill and under delivered. I am over the hill, under the weather.

Yeah. Over the moon, but under a rest. Do you feel older? Under the weather. Yeah. Over the moon. You are. But under arrest. It's also, do you feel older? I guess. What about your declining eyesight? Oh, yeah. That's a very specific moment tied to your age.

Right. For sure. You're going to have to get glasses. Yeah. You loser. You're a dorkus. You're basically blind. to get glasses. Yeah. You loser. You're a dorkus. You're basically blind. And I am not lasik.

Legally blind. Fuck me. Yeah. What are you going to do? Well, how do you handle that? I really grappled with it. I wrestled with it. I didn't want to get glasses.

And then I was driving back from the airport one night. And I literally just couldn't see any signs like nothing i couldn't see i can't see when i'm driving at night you know you'll do you'll like uh you'll start like dab like putting your foot like in the water you're like oh i'll only wear it at night oh i'll only wear the glasses when i'm driving i won't wear them all the time yeah i'm saying that i guess i probably now that means i will right but like but that's how it starts. Right. You dabble.

And that's what I have to do. I got, so, so it started, I was like noticing it going a little bit, like couldn't see at night that well. But then driving back from the airport, I couldn't see anything. And then at one point I like lost the lane of the highway. Well, that seems like more than just a vision blurriness. Yeah. I mean, maybe I was tired. And it was sort of a confusing spot, like the lane is closed, whatever.

But I should have been able to see where the lines were, and I could not. Right. And it was, so it's like, okay, it's borderline dangerous, I guess. And then also, when we were writing the show, we write on a television screen. One person has a laptop, and we're all like... Oh, right, and you couldn't read the script. Couldn't read the script. So then I went to LensCrafters. Oh, yeah.

You got an eye exam. Got an eye exam. Your prescription. Yeah, it was negative. I forget. Negative one. Min one minus 100 minus 75 okay it's a whole world you don't have to deal with and then you just do no one in your family has glasses right no i'll be the only be the only kid in my family that has glasses that's glasses

that's crazy eight of you not one with glasses my parents have like reading glasses but right they have perfect distance vision. Yeah. Holy shit. So, what are you going to do? So I went to... We should sponsor this episode by Warby Parker, because I did use their service. I used the home try-on. Oh, shit. We should contact them quick. Fuck.

And I have five pairs of glasses. Did I show you them? Yeah. I did. And I chose one. And? I'm going to go to the store tomorrow and get them and i'm gonna have glasses you're gonna have glasses what a loser what next i'm gonna have i don't know

what's a distinguished in characteristic of you um perfect shoulders you think that's what people say behind your back everyone's always talking shit about how broad my shoulders are uh did you have any quarter life crisis with the 30 no i really like i kind of lost my shit when i was 25 oh right and then i like i developed a much more uh zen outlook about. I guess it helps to have an exciting moment in your life happen at age 30. Yeah. Oh, man. I think it felt really good to be 30 years old shooting the pilot. I mean, it was my birthday on set.

Yeah. It was really, really fun. So surrounded by a whole new crop of friends. Yeah. I guess maybe turning point birthday is like a 30-year-old one. I might have found myself a little bummed if nothing was happening, if we were still waiting to hear about the pilot or if we were

just, I don't know, who knows, whatever we were doing. If I was bored, it would have been a little sad. But I feel like this week we made like 50 new friends. Everybody's saying me happy birthday, so I could not have been a little sad right but i feel like this week we made like 50 new friends true everybody's saying me happy birthday so i could not have been bummed about it you were kind of upset that the cake wasn't to your liking oh yeah i did we got the two cakes yeah um one was i thought was super super yeah no it was nice that was really nice it was a good

well i don't even want to say it was a nice gesture because it was a nice gesture they would have gotten the right cake do you know what i mean they got you two cakes and one but one of them had a photo of us on it which i thought was really really nice uh yeah and then your mom sent you a cake yeah it was a bullshit birthday my mom it was not a bullshit i'm not yeah i'm just saying how is it and then your mom went out of the way to design a cake uh that looked like a box of annie's macaroni and cheese because she knew that was your favorite she found out where the production office was yeah and she sent it to us yeah and yeah it was a cake that fed the entire crew for actually uh two days right three

days they had so why why do you think that's a bullshit it's a bullshit birthday it wasn't it was just like people saying how many times do they sing to me? They sing twice to you. They sing happy birthday twice to you. And it's just like, it's my, I don't understand. Maybe they turn 30 a lot, but I actually only got to do it once. What the fuck are you talking about? You thought like two wasn't enough?

So I got, well, how many people work on that set and i got i got two cakes zero presents well a couple people got me gifts but not like not like what's the difference between a gift and a present i got actually true tv sent me a uh care package for my birthday that had that's so nice oh my gosh they went above and beyond i would say but it didn't even like that's so thoughtful but i my gosh. They went above and beyond, I would say. But it didn't even like... That's so thoughtful. But I'm saying I could have had money. I know what you're saying. You're saying but, but it's not but I'm saying.

I honestly didn't even need anybody to sing me happy birthday or give me a cake. If they had given me the money that they bought the cake with. If my mom had sent me money. I can't believe this. And if everyone on set had given me money. I'm't believe this. If my mom had given me money. I'm going to put this in the episode. People are going to hear you complain about this. Edit this part out, bitch.

So you are ashamed. Of course I'm fucking embarrassed. I'm being a petulant little brat. I'm afraid this will come off as me being petty. The complaining about two cakes shit. I Venmo requested my father for two thousand dollars and he accepted so and i hit him back with another 2k fee this is the acceptance fee daddy the right punch left punch the one two hook um anything else good birthday good week crazy adventures yeah two cakes three gifts

and not enough cash and then a party this weekend yeah we had and then we had a party for you we had a pilot wrap party head gum launch party uh birthday party and a housewarming party yeah was that good for you too i deserved more i guess we had a over a hundred of our friends here with with a hot dog yeah uh a hot dog cart and a bar yeah but oh we played beer pong against rick fox yeah we that was the highlight of my fucking life thanks you beat us yeah i had a real real rough game of it you had a tough go of it. I really did. You know why? Because I was nervous. Because you didn't have your glasses.

Interesting theory. Would you ever get LASIK? I'll definitely get LASIK. You know with LASIK they numb your eyes and they slice it open while you're still fully awake? Yeah. You're okay with that? I actually heard that it hurts. Yeah. That's interesting with that? I actually heard that it hurts. Yeah.

That's interesting. That seems not right. I basically just used eye drops for the first time this week on set because my eyes were a little bit dry. And somebody had eye drops. And I didn't even put them in my own eyes. And I was just like, somebody else put drops in my eyes. And I was so terrified as the drop was entering my eye. I'm like, there's no way I can ever have LASIK where you have to keep your eyes open while a laser slices them. They like peel your eye. They clockwork orange you for it.

Yeah. They force your eyelids open, moisten it with drops and then slice open the fucking cornea. Sounds like the part that you're the most afraid of. Can you imagine these drops that moisten and numb the eye? They slice open the fucking cornea sounds like the part that you're the most afraid of can you imagine these drops that moisten and numb the eye they slice open the top layer flap it open like like the like the bottoms of an old-timey pajama pantsuit then they use a laser to fucking reshape the back of your eye how often does somebody go blind from it uh not that like one in five one in ten like does it it does it must happen though, right? Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there is a risk when you slice open your eye and shoot lasers in it.

Like that seems pretty crazy. But I guess it's worth it not to wear glasses. But even if I had perfect vision, I would need to wear glasses. Right, well at this point. Yeah, glasses are like my shield, I feel. But see, I don't like shit. I don't like stuff. I don't like having extra things. Right.

You don't like having to deal with glasses. The idea of having a pair of glasses and a glasses case and a little tissue that I use to clean the glasses is already stressing me out a little bit. Right. And then contacts even worse. That's why... Yeah, everybody's like, oh, you'll get contacts, right? Because I don't... I don't contacts right because like i don't i would

you know it doesn't just i don't want to look i don't want to wear glasses right but like contacts are so much worse for the kind of person i am it means you have to have more stuff more like fucking saline solution yeah little the circle the little binocular circles that say l and r and then like every single day you're like waking up with a ritual that you have to do. Yeah. Sticking it in your eye. And then sometimes it like gets,

it rolls up into your head or rolls down and it gets caught. The lens just gets caught. I won't do that. You think Damon ever has trouble with his contacts? Like it falls down into his eyelids. You think Damon doesn't have perfect vision? Piece of shit. I think Damon wears glasses.

I really do. Maybe reading glasses. All right, let's get to another question. We need a Canadian male name. Or just a male name and just know that he's from Canada. Okay. Let's do Kevin Porter. of the Gilmore Guys. Kevin Porter.

Not really Kevin Porter, but hey, let's just call this person Kevin Porter writes. Hey guys, writing from Canada and I really love the show. Can't wait to see you guys in Toronto. We are going to Toronto in October. Check it out. I'll keep it short. There's this girl I've been talking to recently and we're getting close to hooking up. The only problem is she's a girl in my group of

friends and I don't want anyone to find out we hooked up. Is there any chance that me and this girl can hook up without any of my or her friends knowing? The reason I can't just ask her to keep it quiet is because she thinks we're going to start dating soon but i just want to fuck her a few times but if i ask her to be friends with benefits i'll never get with her so what should i do help thanks love kevin porter oh i guess i hope this guy doesn't get laid the reason i don't ask her is this is because i'm trying to deceive and or trick her into sleeping with me and i don't want any of my friends to find out there's any way they will considering that she wants to date me yeah do you think once i ruin this girl for a little bit of

time she'll do me the solid of not telling any of my or her friends that i've deceived her let's start with the the first rule is that everyone always tells someone there are no abject secrets no that's a good quote that's a that's i would say 90 of the time that's true you know what people do they don't tell everybody they tell one person and you say you can't tell anyone and then he goes okay i won't tell anyone and then when that person tells someone he says i'll tell you but you can't tell anybody i'll say even all right so say you and i hook up yeah or let's not do like because then that would be like we would almost need to perfect professional reasons not

tell anybody say i hooked up with the girl okay i love that and yeah and like she's a fucking dime a smoke show goddess okay is this an anonymous girl or like what's the level of girl you're thinking um tiffany ever thesen holy shit yeah you hooked up with kelly kapowski and i say i don't want to make a big deal i don't want to tell anybody she doesn't want to tell anybody and say i I don't want to tell anybody. She doesn't want to tell anybody. And say, I'd stay true. And I'm like, I really didn't tell anybody. Tiffany's going to spill the beans to her best friend. You think Tiffany's going to tell someone? To Lark Voorhees, she's going to say something.

Lark, you think she's still hanging out with Lisa Turtle? I think they do. So when two people are hooking up and it's supposed to be a secret, I think I would say 90% of the time they both tell at least one person and that one person a hundred percent of the time at least one of the two people tell somebody right so all you can do is ever an affair that stays between two people and that's it yeah always tell someone it seems like the if information is moving at a normal speed let's say 60 miles per hour the most you can do is like slow it down almost at a normal speed, let's say 60 miles per hour,

the most you can do is slow it down almost to a halt. And maybe there's one person in your group of friends that nobody will ever tell. Yeah. But generally speaking, folks will know. Yeah. This will not be a secret. The guy that you don't tell anybody to, his nickname is like Raisin. So you're like, I'm not going to tell Raisin.

Raisin can't. Yeah, like don't tell Raisin. I promise, Jake, I wouldn't tell Raisin. Raisin doesn't know anything because Raisin is a Raisin. Yeah, he is like raisin so you're like i'm not gonna tell raisin raisin can't yeah like don't tell raisin i promise jake i wouldn't tell raisin raisin doesn't know anything because raisin is a raisin yeah he is a raisin yeah he's a box of raisins so he's like this little little red carton of sun made raisins california raisin yeah what a weird group of friends that's that's a good question is there anyone that you've hooked up with ever that you never told anybody that i never told anybody yeah um yeah so there there is it has happened before right but who knows like that's why i'm saying i think that in this then in these situations then that person has told something oh so you're saying okay so at odds are at least one person's gonna tell yeah i'm it's never like

a perfect uh and that's just random girls if you're talking about a juicy inter friend group hookup that's exciting juicy no shit too friends no shit yeah you know because they tell they that's what they do they're like can't tell anybody but don't but here's the information right because you can't you can't sleep on that. But like, your friend, say maybe you're not going to tell them on your own accord, but as soon as somebody notices something, a look, that's it. And they're like, what's happening with you and Kevin? What's happening with you and Kevin? What's going on?

What's going on? Right. And then the beans, they get spilled. Yeah. The beans always get spilled. You can try a secret for a little bit, but eventually, as Jake said, the beans they get spilled yeah the beans always get spilled that you can try a secret for a little bit but eventually as jake said the beans will get spilled now moving on to the second part of your question which is it seems like you're really trying to trick this woman right it seems

like you uh you are leading her on to think that you're gonna start dating soon but you just want to fuck her a few times stop doing that yeah stop. Yeah. Stop that. Bad boy. But if I ask her to be friends with benefits, I'll never get with her. How does he know? That's, and that's, that's the advice right there. So maybe she does. That's the, yeah. Is it, is it more of a guy thing to want? They're friends with benefits.

Is that like a guy thing? Like, oh, in a perfect world, a dude will want to hook up with a girl without having to do like, get emotionally involved with all that stuff. Maybe stuff maybe so i guess i feel like it kind of goes both ways though so like sometimes girls want it too friends with benefits is always a little sad because it's it usually it's like both people can't get laid or something so you're like oh yeah i'll settle for you for a bit if you'll settle for me for a bit oh so it's like we're just but isn't it like a if we rub backs against each other we're scratching me for a bit oh so it's like we're just but isn't it like a if we rub backs against each other we're scratching each other's backs yeah so it seems like it's a good

thing but like i just don't like the idea of friends with benefits because it's like all right we're just gonna jerk off for each other basically why don't you just admit like hey why don't we just casually be together in a real relationship like yeah do you only want to get me off you don't we just casually be together? In a real relationship. Like, yeah, do you only want to get me off? You don't want to have, like, brunch with me? What is that? What is friends with benefits? It means you have sex, but you don't eat sandwiches together.

That's like, it's more benefits to be like, oh, here's a person that is cool, like sandwiches, and I get to fuck them yeah here's the most benefits here's a benefit that i want uh emotional fulfillment here's a benefit being able to have a nice conversation with someone all of a sudden holy matrimony is the best kind of friends with benefits situations that's a pretty nice benefit yeah here's a major benefit i have a family of four that's a That's a really nice benefit. I have a benefactor.

Yeah. Actually, let's get married and then we'll have real benefits, tax benefits, little breaks and incentives. That's a really nice benefit, if you ask me. Yeah. So, yeah, I guess I do want to be friends. This is my wedding vows. So, I do want to be friends with benefits with you, Jennifer.

You also don't believe gays should get married. I do not believe gays should get married. That's correct. Thank you so much for listening to this episode this is our right wing advice podcast uh it's been a very question to this guy is the friend in this group it is you're you're a dude and she's a girl then we can that's fine all right this is a very slow slow slow con. Episode 167. And you guys have been listening to Big Hits the whole time. We are literally a third of the way to our 500th episode

when we drop the mean bomb on you. We think gays don't get to be in love with each other anymore. Alright. Treat this woman nicer, I would say. Yeah, I think you say, but here's the, this is where the language has to change. Oh, shall we speak in Hebrew?

Yes. I can speak Hebrew. Yes. Yes. You ought to not say like, let's be friends with benefits. Just be like, hey, I like you. I'm attracted to you, but I like you as a friend, and I don't want things to get too weird.

So let's just be casual about this. You know, no pressure. What does casual mean? No expectations. So she's not going into it casually if she's like, I want to long-term date you in the future, and that's why I'm going to be intimate with you, because I see this really

growing and uh building into something and he's saying this is never going to be anything but i feel like fucking you so they're not on the same wavelength so the way to say that is i want to be casual and that means i don't want to be in a relationship with you in the future you think that's under that's understood by casual i mean you could be even more explicit and just say i want to go into it with no expectations like i don't i right now i don't think about dating you i think about being attracted to you this second and wanting to sleep with you but do you have to say that explicitly isn't that the beginning of every relationship yeah yeah i mean i don't not normally but it sounds like he's concerned where with where her mind is at so he should maybe check in before he just to be super abundantly

clear i'm not necessarily thinking or not thinking about being or not being with you of course if it like yeah you don't want to have this weird conversation where he sits you don't want to sit somebody down and tell them this but yeah like maybe when you're getting about to hook up like hey i just want to just want you to know like i think you're great but i don't want to sit somebody down and tell them this but yeah maybe when you're about to hook up just be like hey I just want you to know I think you're great but I don't want to I don't see this going very far that's a hard conversation to have before you sleep

with somebody so good luck loser then again you're trying to lie to somebody so you don't deserve something that's easy to do anyway well there are always like ways to there's there's like there's subtleties in language that you can exploit ideally you want to be as open and honest as possible so that uh if she does get um uh disappointed later on you can be like hey at least i was trying to like let you know ahead of time right but i will like you don't want your honesty to all just be like a get out of jail free card

later like just like hey you led me on like no because i said casual and right i think if you your attitude should just be more about preserving your friendship and that and not uh clearing your name that being said if you're hooking up with a friend in a friend group the friends are gonna find out of course this is just generally a bad idea there's nothing great there's nothing greater in high school that when two friends hook up that's like the it's like the exciting moment of a drama or a teen uh like a 90210 and it's way more exciting to find out that they have been hooking up for a while. Yeah.

Like, did you hear, I have a fucking crazy story. Oh my God. What is it? No, I promised I wouldn't say, but I got to tell you.

Oh my God. Jake hooked up with Tiffany Amber Theis. What an amazing story. I can't wait to tell someone that one day. Would you, would you hook up with Tiffany? If you saw Tiffany Theis in at a party, would I hook up with tiffany if you saw tiffany theosin at a party would i hook up with her yeah is she is she drunk she's she's she's a little tipsy but she's not completely

wasted so oh yeah that's perfect she's like that's classic tiffany yeah like a little yeah a little loose a little fun yeah yeah and she introduces herself to you because like she knows you know who that she knows who she is. Does she say, I'm Tiffany? Yeah, no, she'll be like, hi, I'm Tiff. Oh, Tiff. Oh, yeah, yeah. She calls herself Tiff.

Do you know I had my first sex dream about Tiffany Amber Thiessen? Really? Last night. All right. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own anything, Facebook art, send it all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Again, this is a HeadGum podcast now. Check out other podcasts on our network.

First episodes are up. Second episodes are coming out over the course of the week. Oh, I wanted to... We never... The release schedule of all these podcasts. Quick, do like a song and dance while I look it up. Stall, stall, stall. Stretch it out.

We can't edit this cast. No, no. and Gilmore Guys. Tuesday is Josh's Mindhouse, a couple of questions. Wednesday is Julia Noon's, another episode of Gilmore Guys. This is why you're single. Thursday is High and Mighty, Gabrus' podcast. Talk of Shame Streeter's podcast. Friday is Twinnovations and Black Men Can't Jump.

That's a pretty loaded slate. At least two podcasts on every day. Something for everybody on every day. Thank you for listening. Again, I'm going to put a fun little clip from that first episode of High and Mighty at the end of this episode. So keep listening to get a taste of that. And you can always find everything on iTunes and on headgum.com.

That's it. The end. Goodbye. See you next week. Peace. Ciao. I forgot. What? that's it the end goodbye see you next week peace ciao i forgot what the closing theme song holy shit i'm rusty you almost oh the opening theme song was by uh mark and his sister marie and this closing one is from the chill sun twins uh at From the Chilson Twins. At Chilson Twins on Twitter. That's Ethan on vocals and Shu on the beats.

So thank you to the Chilson Twins for this closing theme song. Now we're out. Witness this lit mist test. Is it acidic or basic? Can you trace it back to bass? To trace and face and blunts? Or race and brunce? Or wake and bake?

Or are we just tasting fame and chasing Jake and Jason? Have you taken E to 2 if I were you? Did you put cash on Floyd Mayweather? Or is he ass to Sequoia Fair? All right. master. We're all the master. S. All right. Thank you to Blue Apron for sponsoring that episode yet again. You can go to blueapron.com slash if I were you for your first two meals for free and you can see what's on their menu. Thanks to Blue Apron. Thank you, Blue Apron. And let's listen to that high and mighty clip with us on John Gabrus' first podcast episode. You can listen to the whole and mighty clip with us on john gabrus's first podcast episode you can listen to the whole episode and many other podcasts at headgum.com enjoy you might weigh more than both of us combined i probably weigh close to both of you guys combined right what do you weigh like 160

each i weigh 167 and you weigh like 121 without glasses you're 118 soaking dry without without glasses without my i have a three pound glasses i think i'm 155 yeah so you weigh one three three 15 together yeah i weigh like 305 but i'm not in my best shape i've ever been in you're not in fighting weight i'm not fighting weight fighting weights like 291 oh fighting weight my goal weight is still way higher than most people's like physical like yeah i'd like to weigh like 270 that's your that's your goal that's like what i want to that's my i want to get down that's my beach body my beach body is still like 70 to 80 pounds over the national average we just did a live podcast in Australia. 1,100 people there.

What? Yeah. That's so awesome. Isn't that weird? That's so fucking awesome. It was crazy. And Mitch Streeter opening up for you guys? Yeah. I stage dove during a podcast.

That's so cool, dude. Meanwhile, I can just picture it's sort of rock and roll-esque, but Amir is with dials in mind. I'm getting a little bit of feedback. Yeah, I landed. He's going after people like, yeah! Surfing through the crowd. Is everyone's phone on airplane mode?

Stop yelling. I don't want it to peak. That was a HeadGum Podcast.