Segments - 168: Where's the Beef

Episode Date: August 17, 2015

In this episode we discuss prostitution, honesty, and being a doctor. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox and MeUndies! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Relationship was messing well, where we know most Send your chick to Jake and he will take her down Though, whoa, maybe not But hey, if help is what you need These dudes will answer anything If they ever read your question They got thousands, but they never concede They'll get to you eventually At their own speed So heed their advice

It is gonna change your life Feel alright This shit is like you found Christ Jake is a pussyhound and Amir is small Together they made a power to enter the vice into art So talk to your cell phone and download this shit Bro, this motherfucker's immobile holy shit that was did he call me a pussy uh jake is a pussy hound and Amir is smart. Oh, all right. Chill. Let's chill. Let's chill. You're fine with pussy hound?

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, as long as you're not a pussy. That's, yeah. Yeah. Because I am a hound. Ow, ow, ow. You're a dog. Sure am.

You really are a dog. I am a lonely little dog. What? Ow, ow, ow. That's you saying ow little dog. What? Ow, ow, ow. That's you saying ow, because your heart hurts. Ow, ow, ow. I'm alone. Yeah, you're howling at the moon by yourself.

Howling at the moon by yourself. You know how that should go. This guy was Marcus Engman from Sweden. Ooh, American rap from Sweden. Yeah, he's new to the whole music making thing but he'll give it a try sounds like he's pretty good at it yeah that's your you little asshole if that's your first try yeah not bad right just this jazzy bassy cool little ditty slam dunks yeah I haven't tried basketball before, but it seems pretty chill. Man, I wonder how many people in America can dunk but have never dunked. What a waste. It's true.

What a waste that would be. It's true. Do you think it's a million? It doesn't really matter. I guess we'll never know. Yeah. What is this show? It's an advice podcast, If I Were Your Show.

And people will email us to ifIwereyourshow at gmail.com. They're in sticky situations. They're in need of our advice. And Jake is a pussy hound and Amir is smart. True. Do you think that, what do you think is more true? Me as a pussy hound or you as smart? What do you mean? In this song, it says Jake is a pussy hound or you as smart what do you mean that's like it like in this song

it says jake is a pussy hound and amir is smart right but if you were to flip those which one do you think is more accurate are you more smart than i am a pussy hound do you think i'm a pussy hound i guess is the question i well i also think i'm smart right i'm a genius so the question i'm a borderline genius dude which one's more uh it's me uh i think i don't think you're you're very much of a pussy hound at all oh you think i'm just like a casual hound i'm a pussy casual yeah like i'll take it if i can get it but i'm not hounding it out right it's very rare that I've seen you hound for it. Like, is hounding necessarily, like, a negative thing? Like, you're obsessed with it and not in a good way?

How can you be obsessed with it in a good way? I'm obsessed with pussy in a very healthy, normal way. Yeah. You can be that. Like, you can be, like, more active socially, trying to go on more dates, trying to get more numbers. Right. Yeah, I guess that's a nice way of looking at it but i think anytime you're a pussyhound it's a pretty negative connotation it's like all you care about is pussy right and the city that you're from yeah

yeah so and i am gonna drink until i feel it i am gonna smoke until it's done you know what i've been trying to do it's it's hard to quite describe it i'll see if i can do it you know that line in back to back where drake says uh back to back like i'm on the cover of lethal weapon yeah back to back like i'm jordan 96 97 he that rhyme is is sort of wedged in there in a very like hard to pronounce way like i made it seem very casual right now but i practiced it a lot so can you say those two lines and see how difficult it is or maybe it's not difficult for you back to back like i'm on the cover of lethal weapon back to back like i'm michael jordan 96 97 right it's that jordan 96 97 thing where he like tries to cram it in he says like i'm jordan9697 so he doesn't say jordan in 96 and 97 he says jordan9697 yeah it's almost like jordan96 is like one word

like i'm jordan9697 now on the cover of lethal weapon like i'm jordan9697 yeah but that's one of the that's one of the subtle things about rap that you don't really think about. Right, the cadence that he rhymes with. Like it has to be the same amount of syllables. Or I guess whoever wrote that for Drake because I don't know if y'all heard. I don't know if y'all heard. You're going to take Meek Mill's side?

You can't like back-to-back. I think I do. I think whoever wrote back-to-back was fucking great. I don't think it was Drake. I really don't think. How can you know? What if Drake hears this podcast and he does a diss track at you? Oh my God, amazing.

Also, when do you do a diss track? That's giving someone respect. It's almost like he shouldn't have done it. Well, that's why he said, I'm probably going to regret this later. Right, but then he admits that it was weighing on his conscience right so it's almost like giving someone a diss track is actually giving them props the real diss track is no track at all and if you go back to back two diss tracks that's like that's that's a huge get for back mill i guess so also what was the first diss track? Charged Up. Oh. Charged Up was, I mean, Charged Up wasn't that great.

Back to Back is like a song that they'll play. Yeah, they played it on the radio. They actually did play it back to back. It's such a smart marketing thing, because it has a built-in thing where people want to play it twice in a row, because that's what it's about. Yeah. They asked me if I'll play the shit back to back. It's about, Back to Back is that he released two diss tracks back's about. Yeah. They asked me if I'll play the shit back-to-back. It's about... The back-to-back is that he released two diss tracks back-to-back.

Right, but then they asked... On the song, he says they're going to play it back-to-back. And then some radio stations do play it back-to-back. It's really, really great. I think I'm part of the OVO crew for sure. I would love so much for Drake to write a diss track. It would be called... I mean, it all stemmed from Drake didn't tweet Meek Mill's album.

Or Drake didn't help promote Meek Mill's album. So Drake doing this is like clearly... It's promoting Meek Mill to... Right. Exponentially. Why would he tweet about... Is that what other... Or was Meek Mill part of Drake's posse?

I don't think... Well, Drake was on Meek Mill's album. And I think they're part of the same posse because... Fuck, now I don't know. But Drake funded Meek Mill's first album or something. Or no, maybe he donated $75,000 to a production studio being built in Meek Mill's old high school or some shit like that. It sounds like you're making stuff up, but it sounds so specific.

Like, did you actually know that or you just guessed it? No, I read like a Complex article about like what the... In Complex magazine or it was just a Complex article? No, it was really hard to understand. It was a national geographic. It was unupworthy. I read an article about like where the beef stemmed from. Yeah.

And it was because Drake didn't promote Meek Mill's album. There should be a blog or an article series called Where's the Beef? And then it explains where the beef comes from. But the phrase where the beef is actually a kind of funny little marketing slang, a slogan from the early 1980s. Right. Right. So the column is called, Where's the Beef?

Look, we all got it immediately. And you're over-explaining now. But the articles are not about... Lumenfeld, it was a great idea. We're gonna do it. Oh my God, really? Leave the room. Quickly.

We already bought it. Are you looking it up? Sorry. No, it's actually shame lost getting back to the house but that's gonna happen are you gonna look i can look it up what do you want me to look up what the beef is about uh i guess we've already discussed it maybe for the next episode we can do some research and get back to you guys that's fair uh all right let's get to some questions these are people who are in need of our help. Real emails from real people.

Let's give them some fake names to preserve their anonymity. Anonymity, got a lot of minity. Din-a-nin-a-mini-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di. How about a female name? Nicki Minaj. Oh, that's good. Hey, guys. I'm an 18-year-old lady, and I have a situation.

Recently on a chat forum called Tagged, similar for Tinder, but I'm using it for friendship as I'm engaged, but on a break. Oh. I got to a normal-seeming guy. I've been craving Chinese food, and naturally I was complaining about it. But to my surprise, this guy offered to buy me Chinese takeaway. Obviously, I begrudgingly rejected, but he didn't let it lie, and 20 minutes later, he had my email and was PayPal-ing me 10 British pounds. It's what happened in those 20 minutes which is the problem. I sent nudes for 10 British pounds. Am I a prostitute now? Should I try and

sell more photos to this guy also he lives in the city not too far away and suggested i come over do you think he's planning on paying me should i go anyway toda p.s i'll attach the conversation uh that led to you that led to it so you can understand better oh yeah christ. Is it prostitution to send someone nude photos of yourself for 15 US American dollars? It's not prostitute. Clearly, it's not prostitution. Because there's no sex involved. It's not good behavior.

I wouldn't reward that type of behavior from a man. But is it worse behavior? Motherfuckers never loved us. That's the problem. Remember? What happened here? This guy wanted to treat this girl well. Right.

You should never feel like you owe somebody something if they're being if they're like doing some kind of creepy thing and giving you a gift i've heard so many girls be like oh well he like took me out to dinner and he like got me drinks so we like kissed him at the end of the night so we like had to make out right that's not true nobody like nobody's asking for anything in return or at least they shouldn't be if he's like giving you money and saying like well what are you gonna do for me you gotta be like i don't want your money it's 10 fucking pounds is that a lot of money it's 15 bucks that's but here's not worth your naked pictures being on his phone

forever i read this conversation and it seems like he wanted to buy her chinese food she felt uncomfortable because then it's like oh i have to give you my address and then she brought up the fact that he could paypal her as like a joke but a kind of a joke that's not a joke. That's not a funny joke, lady. You don't have to do that. I don't think that's very funny. Like, you clearly wanted the money. Then she gave him her email, and he did do it.

And then he said, do I get a reward? And she said, you got my number and time of day. What else do you want more? And he said, plenty more. Everything you can imagine and then she says hmm am i gonna end up essentially whoring myself for spring rolls and he said you could it's getting late when does your chinese restaurant close and she says hmm i could be a very lovely person and let you see my new piercings so maybe they were booby piercings so now i want to see them i'll i'll venmo you a thousand dollars let me see your tatas uh so it didn't seem like that it seemed like this guy

already paypaled her and then was like you know what do i get in return not like if you do this i'll give you this but either way it's not prostitution not prostitute but it's porn he led you into a trap i don't know because she's the one who's saying can i have money it's not like he's like can i send you money for pictures right it's a it's a gray area to be sure i will say uh she is a prostitute uh that's completely unrelated to this. That was just her profession. She said, P.S. I'm a prostitute. Oh. Yeah. Prozzie. I would say this is fine. It's not fine. Is it not fine?

I don't think that people should be sending nude pics to strangers they meet on Tinder anyway. What if... Oh, whoa. Isn't this a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black? I do not send nude photos. But you've gotten nude photos before. Never have I ever solicited nude photos. What?

They come to me on their own, and I wouldn't say, hey, don't send me stuff like that. So when girls send you nude photos, it was just out of the blue. It was just at the beginning of a conversation. I've never ever in my life asked for a nude photo. Not once ever. So if I look at your phone to see old nude photos and I read the messages before them, it's never ever you egging them on, even in a polite, slight fashion. I'll respond with positivity.

Like, this is making me so whatever. Yeah. I've never said, send me a photo of you naked but have you implied or requested it not in a specific explicit way i mean you've gotten nude i've not done it and i've not gotten nude photos so i can't imagine that just you're we don't go after the same types of people pussyound. I'm trying to think really hard and like, like, think of, okay, four years ago, you receive a nude picture. Does this sound about right? I don't even know who I'm talking about. But just think about 2012. Sure. And then what happened before then? It was like, hey, can I send you a nude photo? No, it would be like, it always slowly gears up that, like they're sending pictures of their face

or like they're about to go out and they look really attractive. And I'll be like, that, you know, that's really great. Yeah, I love that. You look so good. And then it's like, send me another picture. You say that. Or like, send me more or like, say that. Or like, send me more. Or like, don't stop sending these.

Something like that. And then I think that's usually like a green light to start removing clothing. And then it just happens. I've never ever said, this picture is awesome. Can I see one where you're naked? I don't think you said it that unsmoothly. But I think that you at least hinted at like, oh, can I see a little more or a little less winky face or some shit like that? I don't think I have.

I don't think you've ever done it with a random girl like this, like a random girl you've never met before. Usually it's ladies that you have seen naked before, correct? Correct. So it's never... Correctamundo! That's what you text uh so this guy is sort of going one step beyond that kind of like a little uh a little but this is entrapment he already gave her the money and now he's saying you claim entrapment a lot on this show and now he's saying

now i want the reward he would before he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart, then once she's got the funds in her account, he says, what do I get? What's my reward? Like, whoa, I wouldn't donate money to a soup kitchen and then be like, and now what do I get in return? A homeless guy shows you his dick. So I don't think that he should have ever gotten the photos. That's beyond the point. You are not a prostitute. She shouldn't send send it was one of the options send him more uh is he oh oh uh he doesn't think you're a prostitute he's not like this isn't his move now where he's just going to keep on

giving you money for nude photos and for sex like that's not what's happening what happened was this is happening a lot on tinder have you seen all these articles about guys ordering girls pizza on Tinder? Oh, I have seen that. It's like a thing that is happening. Girls are just sort of taking advantage of dudes' horniness. Yeah, they're like, oh, will you order me a pizza? Like, oh my God, yeah, I can't believe I'm doing this. What's your address?

That's happening. So that's what this dude was he he was flirting with you he was like if i buy her chinese food that's a way to like get her to meet up with me he doesn't think that he didn't find out that you take money for sexual favors and now he's gonna have you over his apartment and pay you a thousand dollars for one night or something well what if these okay so it's not prostitution what if you over his apartment and pay you $1,000 for one night or something. Well, what if these... Okay, so it's not prostitution. What if somebody sends you money and then you send them photos not of your boobs? Is that bad?

Well, I think it's bad in the first place to take money from this guy. That's pretty rude. Oh, so you're in the wrong situation. The lady's in the wrong, too. Yeah, she shouldn't have asked him for money. That's a little fucked up. So in the pie chart of the blame, how big is her slice? It's 50-50.

50-50. I think she should have not asked him for cash. And I think he shouldn't have sent the cash, but once he did send the cash, he shouldn't have expected nudes in return and then when he got the nudes then well then everyone's in the wrong

but now it can stop you don't take any more of his money you guys are at least even and don't send him any more nudes but would you say what happened in a vacuum is wrong if nothing else happens after this I think what happened is fine she got food he got boobs yeah and elicit exchange of of uh of money and goods do you think it's illegal what he did no because he didn't say i am giving you this money for these nudes right

which also that might not even be illegal i don't know i don't understand how law works yeah but he all it's sort of like a an unspoken rule barter thing like i'm gifting you this ten dollars and you are gifting me these nude photos and they're not related in any way right clearly they are i mean it's i don't think this is good. I don't... There's no world where, like, if everyone's doing this, that's a good thing. Right. But if they're doing it, I would... Yeah, okay. Yeah, in the grand scheme of the universe, you're fine.

Yeah, it's not like you killed an elephant. But don't do it anymore. Yeah. You didn't murder a lion or anything like that. Hey, too soon, dude. Oh, come on, dude. Mufasa just died in that just died you know i'm team dentist i'm team meek mill team dentist that killed the lion i'll say it jesus i don't care you're gonna

get lambasted on social media i really am i'm gonna lose in the court of public opinion uh all right let's read another question this one's from a dude drake writes he's been to the podcast before i think yeah uh hey guys big fan of the show congrats on the podcast network that's actually a good point we did launch a podcast network called head gum yeah listen to, listen to our podcast. Go to HeadGum.com. Oh, no. HeadGum.com for a bunch of new shows and episodes rolling out on a daily basis. HeadGum.com. Let's get back to the question.

My girlfriend and I broke up a month ago after two years of being together. It was mutual, but I was the one who did the breaking up. And now I'm hanging out with a few different girls trying to get back out there again because I've been doing the dating game for two years. I'm not sure how casual I can keep things. Mainly, my question is, if I'm seeing and hanging out with multiple girls, am I expected to give full disclosure on being casual? Or can I just sell it like they're the only person i'm hooking up with i don't want to lie but if i'm not in anything serious with a girl and we haven't defined what

we are is it all right to just fool around best regards drake that is probably that's this is a problem that drake actually has yeah i bet like when he takes a girl out for, like, a date. I think he says in one of his lyrics is, I made every woman feel like she was mine and no one else's. Oh, wow. So at the very least, he's making her feel like she's the only one. Is there a need to be fully disclosed? Like, by the way, I'm seeing somebody else this week. I don't think there's a need to be fully disclosed? Like, by the way, I'm seeing somebody else this week.

I don't think there's a need to be fully disclosed like that. Like, by the way, like full disclosure, I am seeing several other people. I've slept with one. Like, yeah, you don't, like, full disclosure is a little too much disclosure. But how about we go medium disclosure, so you're not lying.

You don't want to ever be a liar. This is the white lie. Yeah. So you say, oh, I'm not seeing or not seeing anybody. Let's just not even talk about it. Well, you just avoid saying, you're the only one I'm seeing. That's an easy thing. Right.

You just don't tell somebody that they're the only one. And then if they say, are you seeing anybody else you say um i just i just don't know how to answer my own question you just stumped yourself you're lying to yourself wait let's see if you can lie to yourself keep this conversation going god i've been in this situation are you seeing anybody else like oh my god that's so like you just say no every time you do you just say no i've never i don't think i've ever ever gotten that question one time one time my whole life somebody was like am i the only person you're sleeping with no twice am i the only person you're sleeping actually three fuck everyone uh but you don't you don't you're not a repeat customer that's why you cut people off after one

yeah you're a one and done one and done didn't i ask you this once of the what percentage of girls that you've slept with have you slept with only once oh yeah and would you say it's over 50 probably over half of them baller dude yeah dude that's how her words do i love that yeah dude you go to a fucking ice cream place And you say can I sample Can I sample You're the wooden spoon bro And what happens with the spoon at the end of the night It gets discarded

It's like in an old paper cup of toothpicks With other dirty spoons And there's a handwritten note that said Used spoons deposit here And then you're like can I actually use my spoon again And I never get my full fill of ice cream. I'm even, no, sometimes I do get sick ice cream and I just want a little salad and I just want to,

no, no, it's fine. I'm not alone. I'm not lonely because I'm with so many people. How can I be lonely if it's a different person every night? She's just the flavor of the week. You're a foam cone. A wafer cone.

The kind that doesn't taste like anything. I'm a wafer man. A thin little wafer cone man. Where were we? Oh, right. Do you have to disclose? I think if she asks you point blank do you have to talk do you have to disclose i think if she asks you point blank you have to say yes yeah you can't that that's when the white lie becomes a black lie that's a discrete distinct by the way i'm staring at you you asked me a question are

you seeing other people no that's the lie yeah you can't say that. So she says, are you seeing other people? And you say, this is a good, so you don't have to say yes or no. You say, this is a great conversation that we have to have. That's totally a great point. That's correct. And then you say, excuse me one moment, dear. What happens now? I've got to use the restroom. Okay.

And then you go to the bathroom you lock the door oh you lock yourself in your head very hard against the toilet oh like you get down on your knees like you slipped in the bathroom oh uh-oh now she has to take you to the hospital and i don't think this whole are we exclusive thing is going to come up again anytime soon so dodged a bullet there dodged a bullet but head first straight into straight into a porcelain bowl uh or you can turn it into a joke are we seeing any people i don't know if i'm seeing people but i'm seeing popel how about pope benedict what would potpourri oh Oh, potpourri. Oh, yeah. A potpourri of people. Yeah.

No, no, no. I am a wafer man. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry. Every flavor on a flavorless man. Call me. A lot of people have a Napoleon complex. I have a Neapolitan complex. Yeah, I'm going three for three.

Which one are you? Mint chocolate chip, cookie dough. He ain't even cookie dough. I'm basically three for three. Which one are you? Mint chocolate chip, cookie dough. He ain't even cookie dough. I'm basically a cup. I am a cup man. I am a small single cup, single cone, single scoop. I am the little ketchup packet of frozen yogurt thing. What is the little paper sandal cup?

Yeah. What is it? tiny little paper ramekin yeah a little paper ramekin how do you know the name ramekin ramekin i know is like a small little cup but i don't know if that like what they put like mayo and ketchup in actually on twinnovation i was listening to their episode today and wait is episode three no two the carnell talks about greasing the guy who works at a frozen yogurt place for like a stack of paper ramekins so that you can just he's like dude you make ten dollars an hour give me give me a stack of them for five dollars who's saying no to that one of his schemes is just free fro yo this episode was so funny because one of his

carnell's scheme carnell's like get rich quick scheme was just like how to fly drugs across the country did you get to that part yeah not really a scheme not really just uh just uh just uh you know drug trafficking which in theory is a scheme i guess people do make a shitload of money doing it uh all right so yeah so yeah you say i think you just maybe you can come out ahead of this conversation before the like are we seeing other people just like hey i really like uh spending time with you by the way like i just got out of a kind of serious relationship and i'm really just having fun and i'm doing my own thing right now i think you don't have to have that conversation until pretty late.

Like, usually it doesn't come up in my experience, like, within, like, the first, like, three or four dates. And if you're, like, dating people on Tinder, I feel like you're not the only, like, they don't, nobody on Tinder just is getting, like, one date and sticking with it. Or at least not a lot of people are doing that. What do you mean sticking with it? I mean, like, when you're on Tinder, you're constantly swiping and meeting up with people when you're like dating in general you're meeting up with lots of different people i don't think anybody's doing like okay i have this one i'm like totally single i'm dating but i'm only dating one person at a time you date a bunch of people and then when somebody's like really great then you slowly face they distance themselves out from the pack uh but

yeah i think i think it's okay that you're one thing to always remember is wait we got to go to break uh we will come back no let's hear it uh i think it always helps to encourage the other the person who you're dating to do the same thing like oh yeah i mean like i'm dating i'm having fun with dating right now i hope you are too you should be doing the same exact thing but saying that before anything comes up seems like you're just like oh yeah i'm saying not if you get quote unquote called out yeah if you get cornered yeah but i think in general just don't tell anybody you're they're the only person there's no need to lie to them and say, I'm just dating you, and you're just dating me, and then you're dating other people. That's silly.

Right. So, I guess you don't have to say it before it comes up, but if it comes up, don't lie about it. It's a general rule. Yeah. What do you think, general rule? I agree! We have a new character on the show called general rule he's sort of an old southern general and uh whenever we come up with general rules he agrees with it yeah i agree yeah generally

he rules nice let's take a break and uh just kiss each other uh and then we'll be right back after this come sit on my lap daddy thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new it's kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com visionlifters? yeah

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Back to back. I think it's been mentioned before, but we do have a lot of great episodes on HeadGum this week. I'm actually on Julia Noons' podcast this week. is correct you are on their podcast um her podcast that is correct you are on her podcast nice great you're not gonna edit that are you no yeah i'm okay without that as being the edit but uh maybe we'll put like we did at the end of last episode with

gabrus's i'll put a little a, a taste, a teaser of that episode. So if you keep listening, you'll hear a sample of it. You didn't do that when I was on Noons' podcast. Yeah, well, I did. Yeah, I did it with us on Gabrus. Us. Us, a.k.a. you. Fuck off.

Sorry. Us is me, and who else? Me. You. Okay. So you twice. Me once. Are you happy?

You're smiling about this. Ooh, catching a lie, Bloomin' Tones. How do you like the haircut you got today? I like it. I dig it. It's really short on the sides. You got a one on the sides. I got a one on the sides.

Shortest it's ever been on the sides the side shortest it's ever been on the sides shortest it's ever been on the sides i think uh you left and you're like i'm gonna go full full marty we call it which is like a one all the way to the top didn't quite go all the way to the top i will say i can't believe you're gonna put me on blast it fades up a little bit it fades well it fades from a one it fades from a one but it doesn't go all the way to the top of your head. What is yours? Mine is a one at the base where yours is into a three. Mine is clearly obviously not a three. A three.

A three-ney. I'm a three-ney weenie. But that's the cool haircut to get. It's short on the sides. The question is, how short are you willing to go? And for whatever reason, I'm too afraid to go very short. I mean, a three is how short are you willing to go and for whatever reason i'm too afraid to go very short i mean a three is very short but like i'm afraid to go like zero is the ultimate i can't do that uh i said it just goes to show you how far away i am from getting a tattoo i'm unwilling to get

a short haircut for fear of having a short haircut for that long i think the real difference is that uh the fade to a three makes it look a little longer on the top right you could you could do a one to a two a one to a two or a one all the way a one all the way yeah but yeah for whatever reason i'm i always get scared to cut my hair short yeah it's weird because it like it would it grows out in like a week yeah like the difference between one and a two is literally like four to six days of not cutting it. It's like nothing, yeah. And yet I still won't do it. But maybe with enough prodding from our fans, if you tweet at me, Lord, give me the strength.

Hashtag let's see the one. Hashtag Amir's number one. Well, it's really hard because hashtag's already a number sign. Oh. Hashtag number one would be like hashtag hashtag one yeah well i guess i could do that was hash tag a word before twitter like was that always a hash it was like a pound sign it used to be the pound sign but i think it was also always the hash sign oh oh but not a tag i don't know hashtag i think it's yeah i think it used to be a hash mark hashtag is that's a tagging thing right right so we had a tag oh interesting so hashtag did twitter invent that word these are questions

we don't know this the drake beef we're just we're waxing we don't we don't understand most things yeah uh we have a show in toronto in october oh our podcast is sold out but we have another show that has still tickets available plus you can still get into both of our shows with the festival pass it's just for last 42 has tickets uh we're doing two shows i think one the podcast is sold out and then we're doing like a regular straight comedy show whatever that means what excuse me we're doing two shows in toronto i like the podcast because we get to have no script and drink whiskey right a stand-up show yeah it's a little frightening i'm afraid of that one we did stand-up comedy shows in montreal and it was fine you did oh my god i didn't have any fun us is is me and who's the other one?

It's me again. It's always me. You know. You did stand up. So before when it was us, you felt like you weren't a part of it. Now you feel like you're not involved at all. Like it's just me. It was just you. It was always just me.

One set of footsteps. Footprints. Foot. Fuck. Let's start this podcast over. Oh, it's fine. No, I don't want to. All right.

Do you have to go anywhere? Can you answer one more question? I was going to go to the climbing gym, but yeah, we can answer one more question. Yes. You don't want to climb with me today, right? I'm on the fence. Well. I'm climbing on the fence.

Nice. Can you read this one? Or should I read it? I can read it. I. I'm climbing on the fence. Nice. Can you read this one? Or should I read it? I can read it. I think I forwarded it to you. It's question number three. Advise me, PLZ. You got it, dude.

I just, I could use a break. Yeah, sure, man. Permission to squeeze me while uh while you read permission you want me to grant myself permission to squeeze you i want your permission so that i can squeeze myself while you read not granted absolutely denied all right you're jerking off go hey guys i've been a long time who wrote this um meek mill meek writes hey guys i've been a long time fan and i'm emailing you guys because i need some advice i went to a concert with some friends slipknot in case you were wondering and my friend who drove us there also drove these two girls sisters hot that he knew but the rest of

us didn't one of the girls and i talked quite a bit she seemed to she seemed to be at least somewhat interested in me needless to say i was also interested in her just gotta tell you buddy you use a lot of parentheses sometimes they're not sides sometimes they're just part of the flow okay so i was considering asking her for her number at the end of the night. However, after the concert on our way back, I didn't get to speak to her too much since she spent most of her time talking to her sister. The thing is, though,

we both want to do the same thing. Parentheses, be doctors. And she may have just heard mostly about the advice I gave her. Parentheses, since I'm two years older. She also mentioned that she gave some guy at the concert her number, parentheses, we were seated in different seats. Although when he texted her later that night, she expressed regret at giving him her number and didn't want to talk to him. From talking to her, I found out we have quite a bit in common. I don't know whether I

should ask my friend for her number or something like that, or just forget about it. I'd really appreciate it. Any advice you guys have? P.S. Maybe don't read this on the podcast. Great way to get it read on the podcast. Deny. Thanks for the suggestion. We will read it.

There's so much funny little things in here. One of my favorite little subtle things, I don't even know why it uh there's so much funny little things in here one of my favorite little subtle things i don't even know why it tickles me so much is when it says we both want to do the same thing and then in parentheses be doctors yeah just like a costume to him we just want to you know do the same thing be a doctor that's yeah that's a huge life commitment i just want to be that uh and also he's like maybe she didn't like me she just mostly cared about the advice i gave her but that's that's that's a way of showing interest in someone yeah that's liking someone yeah is hearing their advice what do you think about her getting some guy's number during while they were flirting like if you're flirting with a girl

and she gets another guy's number is that a way to flirt with the original guy oh yeah big time is that what you do uh i don't know if i would necessarily do that but if a girl was doing that to me i would know what it was about oh so like if you're flirting with a girl and then she comes back she's like i gave this guy my number a really great way to like flirt with somebody is to sort of complain about like a date that you have to go on or somebody that is like that's like that, I don't know. It just really works out because you're like, oh, this girl is like, I totally don't want to do anything with her.

She wants me. I'm wanted, I'm desired. And I would rather be with you. That's what you're saying. You're also saying like, look, I'm so competent enough. Somebody's already given me a pass. Like somebody's already into me. So clearly I'm just normal enough to go on a date.

You should definitely ask your friend for her number. Oh, you think good to go yeah this is gtg for sure and then how why does he not ask her directly how do you get somebody's number like if you were too late now i mean now it's too late because they're not in the car anymore oh so he has to ask the friend to ask the sister to ask the sister well the friend is friends with both sisters you don't need to go through the extra sister you just say hey what's this girl's number and then uh just does that guy is that guy obligated to ask the girl or he just gives the number if i ask you for a girl's number do you ask her or do you just give it to me i would i think i mean in order to get you the best chance of like a date i would tell her that you asked for the number so you would i mean i don't see

any world where the person is like no don't do that but yeah you see like it's it's more to hype up the situation like hey good news guess what that guy that you were flirting with in my car asked for your number can i give it to him she's like oh my god totally and then it's like hey good news guess what that guy that you were flirting with in my car asked for your number can i give it to him she's like oh my god totally and then it's like hey green light you the number has been given with a blessing that means you feel way more confident texting right you knew this was coming how's it going right and then you can start off be like hey since we both want to do the same thing you know be doctors uh and we both love slipknot yeah do you think any doctor potential future doctors are at a slipknot concert or that's a that's a red flag just to begin a new career yeah i don't know i guess i mean like if you found out your orthopedic surgeon is super

tired from having gone to a slipknot concert the night before oh yeah i mean i wouldn't want them doing partying at a slipknot concert like when we have to while they're doctors yeah but they're still there he's still in school he can hack it yeah he's 21 she's 19 they're at a slipknot concert seated seats at a slipknot concert does that seem right to you i'm a little i'm a little mifty all't in the pit. Yeah, you really got a mosh. Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Yeah. Is that Slipknot?

You went to a poetry reading last night, tried to start a mosh. What is that? Are you snapping? Yeah, that's how you started it. Slam poetry. Yeah. You stood up. So I tried to slam some people home.

And you started, what is it called when you walk? Bushwhacking. You started walking around in a bushwhacking circle nobody dared confront you they actually somebody asked you to leave and you bushwalked straight out of the the the library yeah yeah yeah i started like punching myself in the head and headbanging yeah it was it was chill it was a good reading you were you were in black cargo shorts and a black t-shirt. And chain wallet with a magic eight ball on it. A full magic eight ball the size of a grapefruit on the chain.

My key ring has not a magic eight ball key ring. A magic eight ball and a Rubik's cube. Because that's how big my pockets are on my black cargo shorts. All right, so ask for her number. Do it. Yeah. Just do it. What's the worst that can happen?

She says no, and you feel ashamed, embarrassed, and it just starts to... Oh, wait, that can happen? Don't ask for her number. It's not worth the risk. I feel shame. Or shame's ugly cousin. Embarrassment. Regret. Remorse. Or shame and regrets a hideous redheaded stepchild. Hunger. It's so removed. But you don't want to feel hunger's abusive grandfather. Tired. Yeah. But tired has an illegitimate stepson green i love this green has sort of like

an evil evil mistress she's 49 yeah deborah not even an adjective and once i felt deborah i felt deborah so hard that night yeah once, once you go Deborah, you never go back. One thing I forgot to mention before we go is this tour video that our boys Basil and Dylan made for us in Australia. Yo, Basil and Dylan, my fucking boys for life. These guys followed us around to our two most epic shows maybe ever, Melbourne and Sydney. Yeah. And made this behind thethe-scenes featurette where it shows us backstage,

it shows us preparing for the show, it shows fans at the show, it shows footage from the show of us and Streeter. My parents even saw it and loved it. Really? Yeah, it's like this great little look into what our shows are like. So if you haven't checked that out,

that's on our website, ifireyoushow.com and jakeandamir.com. And on our YouTube channel, we have a YouTube channel for and jakeandamir.com. And on our YouTube channel, we have a YouTube channel for If I Were You. Did you know that every podcast episode of this show is posted to our YouTube channel? I knew that. It's true. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week, maybe Thursday. I should double check. We'll be back either Thursday or Monday. The opening theme song was written by Marcus from Sweden. And this closing one was written by Matt King.

If you have any questions, if you have any theme song submissions, if you have any Facebook thumbnail submissions, ideally 300 by 600 by 315, but we'll take what we can get. Send them all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Keep the tweets and fun posts about head gum podcast coming we love finding out that people are discovering new shows and that our friends are just as funny as we are uh all right cool oh yeah and a little taste of that julia noon's episode with me after this theme song later everybody peace hi i'm james i play him here on the podcast.

They've actually done studies where it says girls are like clingy little shits and dudes are actually chill. This is. I know two Jewish guys who can help you solve it. Just email in. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Told her. I warn you, shit will get real. You've only got to ask, take some money. She's always listening. She's always listening. Cause she's his queen.

And that's okay. Cause she sometimes gives him money. Sees that cheese. I'll be pissed if they don't pay this. Oh, now I'm on public blast, oh she is If I were you, the show is starting now The only podcast that will tell you how To do you, every Monday

They'll even preserve your anonymity So if you killed your neighbor's dog Can hear your brother watching porn Girlfriend's cheated on you In the Sims For goodness sake just email him I'd call somebody else's dad Laced your pupils up cause you thought it was rad

Bought a necklace for your ex-girlfriend Why haven't you already Emailed him bought a necklace for your ex-girlfriends why haven't you already emailed in i don't even know man i quit oh my god really this question just broke me and i did it every year as much as i could and by the time i was a senior i got to run the show because i was so so musical i was so musical at the end you just became a musical note you just walked through the holidays always singing full volume yeah what's the kind where it's like too attached by a bar like that's what you were at the end of the year you just woke up

one day like the metamorphosis you woke up and you looked in the mirror and it was just a giant musical note. It was just a quarter note. Yeah, with glasses. I didn't wear glasses in high school. Loser. You're right. You're right. That's fair.

I wore glasses in third grade. Wow. And it's interesting because those are the types of glasses I wore. Yeah, you texted me a picture of you the other day in glasses that i very similar to the yeah now they're finally back like it's a 20 year cycle um that was when i was it was like 1991 and now those glasses are cool again yeah uh the background of my phone people listening won't be able to see this but is uh a picture of my friend abby as a three and a half year old almost four year old in glasses that magnify her tiny baby eyes

that's so cute i love when like three-year-olds wear glasses because one how do they know like it's first of all it's very adorable like to see like this three-year-old wearing glasses yeah four or sorry two how does how do they know how do they know what they can read if it's an eye exam like can you read the third of the road for me no i, I can't read. I don't know what letters are. How do they say, oh, it's better. One, two. I have no idea. Two or three.

Three or four. They don't even know what numbers are. Yeah. So how do they do that? I don't know. I should ask Abby. I'm calling her out. I think those are vanity glasses.

Vanity baby glasses. Yeah, that's right. Hipster baby. Hipster baby wear vanity glasses. Those aren't even real. That was a HeadGum Podcast.