Segments - 169: Lightning Round

Episode Date: August 20, 2015

In this BONUS THURSDAY episode we try to get through as many questions as possible in one hour. It is our first (and perhaps last?) lightning round. This episode is brought to you by NextIssue.com and CreditKarma See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If you made a mistake Or if you're in a rough place Just write an email To Amir and Jake Cause with Amir and Jake Your anonymity's safe Cause the problems are real But their names

are fake if I were you the podcast show and you always know it's hashtag Joe with Jake and Amir

they make the answers clear and you always know That was a really fucking cool song. I did it. You pressed play. You didn't do anything. I wrote it. No, you didn't. I wrote it and I did it and I performed it. You barely know how You didn't do anything. I wrote it. No, you didn't. I wrote it, and

I did it, and I performed it. You barely know how to talk in your brain. I can talk. Okay, fine. Gus Rachel's did it, and his music can be streamed, purchased, or downloaded at gusrachels.bandcamp.com. Gus Rachel's. Between those options, I would choose

downloaded, then streamed, and then lastly purchased uh if if i had the same option for every song uh i guess some of them can only be purchased some of them can only be streamed and some of them can only be downloaded uh as a like let's say there was an mp3 and it says would you like to stream download or purchase you would download it yeah i would download it then it's on my computer then i have it forever yeah then you have to exactly you have forever why would you want that what are you talking about i want to hear the song and i want to have it and then what if i like the song then i have to go back and

stream it again you can stream it anytime you're averse you really are averse to having shit yeah that's that's a i think it's a negative i think it's not like a a cute little quirky preference. I think it's actually detrimental. No. Yeah, you say having shit stresses you out. What do I need that I don't have? You don't, I don't think you understand what stress means. Like, stress is like when shit's going poorly, and you think that having books stresses you out. Like, why is that stressful? Why are you stressed out by a lot of hate right no i'm serious i want to know like you have downloading thing is bad having stuff is

bad i have eight shirts they're all hung up is having is having an opinion bad no i'm just saying that i've got one do you do you have you have an opinion it's not an opinion it's not an opinion sure it's an opinion that i don't like to have things. Yeah, but it affects not only yourself, but other people around you. In what way does it affect anybody around me? Because you get stressed out, quote unquote stressed out. Like, let's say I leave a dish on the counter or I'm given a gift and I leave it out on the kitchen. You think that stresses you out? I had Tupperware.

It doesn't stress me out. It stresses you out. You say having stuff stresses me out. Would you say that stresses you out i had tupperware uh it doesn't stress me out it stresses you out you say having stuff stresses me out would you say it stresses you out i didn't know i don't think that you having tupperware on the counter stresses me out i like to put it away but having stuff over here you said stress you out yeah when you have stuff here you say you say you get stressed out by having things around clutter you doesn't that not stress you out i don't like clutter did you think it stresses you out have you ever said something like that stresses you out of course clutter stresses me out so why does it stress you out where does the stress come from i don't like to look at it oh my god you don't like to look at it what is happening right now

this is insane i mean you guys you gotta chill chill out. I think you're putting yourself on blast by having this attitude. How am I putting myself on blast? You're coming across bad on the podcast right now. Thanks, Gus Rachels, for sending that in. GusRachels.Bandcamp.com again. What is this? It's an advice podcast? Or is it a public shading

of me? Forum. Actually, today's episode, you had this idea which is kind of stays in tune with this decluttering theme.

Instead of scientifically, methodically going through our favorite questions in our email, we're just going to try to unclutter our inbox and get through as many as we can.

This is probably our first lightning round edition of the show. These are questions we haven't read before, but it gives you a good example of what types of questions we get. We're starting with question one. The most recent, oh, from the beginning? No, no, I think the most recent that's, like, the most recent one that's come in. Oh, okay, yeah. So yeah so yeah starting from the top right now we're here uh these questions might not be great because we haven't read them yet this is an experiment it's a social experiment but this is a bonus thursday episode so it's kind of

like you know a little a little different a little wacky and hey what if it goes well we could do it again this is episode 169 maybe we could do it every perfect square so like 13 squared is 169 and then 14 squared of course obviously uh all right should we get started yeah shit really stresses you out to relax about that shit dear media moguls you get a gift i have a gift and i leave it on the counter yeah i think that's not okay that you have it there a little gift i don't know you mentioned a gift that you would have on the counter i guess why is it on the counter uh because i left it out i didn't want to put it in a cupboard you put it in cupboard. I don't know where that gift is. What gift? We were given alcohol. Yeah, I put it in the cupboard so it didn't get stolen at the party.

It was expensive alcohol. Well, what about bags? I had a tote bag that I wanted to go to Gelson's and shop with a tote bag. I put it in the tote bag drawer. I don't know what the tote bag drawer is. So ask me. But't here on the counter you weren't here because you took it away you put it in the tote bag drawer i don't know what's the tote bag drawer you organized the whole fucking kitchen i can't tell what the is that a problem that i organized the kitchen yeah it is it is a problem that i wasn't included in the organization suddenly i can't find there's no way on earth you want to have a corkscrew no we don't have a corkscrew i didn't know that because you maybe you put am i in charge of a corkscrew i guess so are you in charge of everything where's my tupperware i put it in the cabinet yeah there's the tupperware drawer well that's because you're to you the counter is a drawer we just read an email verbatim and that's what it was. All right.

Dear media moguls. He's probably referencing our new podcast network, headgum.com. Headgum.com, new podcasts every day. Very true. A good friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend of one year. I found out after the breakup that around three months into the relationship,

she told him she cheated on him and then she made it up to him just to hurt him. It's hard to know which is the truth and which is more fucked up. He managed to look past it for nine more months, but eventually started having doubts, and on a recent vacation, the two of them went on was the final straw. However, despite plenty of sage advice to give it time and attempts to steer him away, he's looking certain to get back with her only after a few weeks. My question is, can I be cold towards her because I hate the way she's treated him?

Or does my allegiance to my friend mean I should be happy if he's happy? Side notes, in about a month, him and I are heading off to Europe to travel and I think he should be single for this and live it up. Thanks. Ooh. That's almost a question we could've...

Yeah, we could've chosen that one. Yeah. The basic gist is, if somebody is mean to your friend, do you get to be mean to them if they get back together? Or, like, yeah, do you have to... I feel like this is a very common question we have coming into

the podcast that you like don't like your girl don't like your friend's girlfriend or boyfriend you know it's hard it's like the breakup and they're like yeah fuck that girl you can do so much better she actually wasn't getting back together are you she's not actually when i said that when i said that i was was lying to make you feel better. But now that you guys are back together, I still like you. Well, actually, we're going through a rough patch. Oh, yeah. Fuck her, dude.

You could do so much better than her. But I really want to be with her. And I think you should, too. Have you ever hated your friend's lady friend? I don't think I've ever hated somebody's lady friend. I guess you couldn't. It's really weird to have a super strong opinion when you're not in the relationship.

I think it's easy to like really miss a friend and feel like your friends not being themselves because of their significant other. But I also think that there's never, there's not really much you can do. Cause like if somebody says to you, hey, you're not cool, I don't like your girlfriend, she's making you act dumb, that person sort of fortifies themselves with the girlfriend.

Then it becomes me and my relationship against the world. You don't want that. So what should this guy do? Can I be cold towards her because I hate the way she's treated him? I don't think that, your first order of business is to make sure your friend is comfortable. So if you're cold towards her, then it's basically just forcing him

into a fight with her. And then it's gonna be weird around your friend because he'll, yeah. What you can do is be super nice and cordial towards her in public and then privately say like, I don't like the way she's treating you that way it's sort of giving your friend this inner turmoil that he doesn't

have to deal with i think you're like you don't have to be super nice to her but your court you're just like fine with her don't make her feel like you hate her and then whenever your friend is like complaining about her just you know inject you got it positive reinforcement that's what i always go back to i think the side note is really telling where he's like, him and I are heading off to travel in Europe. And I think he should be single. That's what it is. Yeah. And he should be single.

Because, yeah, traveling. Especially this girlfriend. Wait, she lied and said that she cheated. I've never heard of that before. What is it? She said she cheated on him. But it wasn't even true. And she made it up just to, yeah, that is the liest lie of all time.

I feel like she did cheat on him. Even if she didn't, like made it up just yeah that is the liest lie of all time i feel like she did cheat even if she didn't like lying about that is almost just as bad it's like oh so you're just fucking really messed up that's cheating makes sense because it's fun to have sex what you did was just tell this really global-esque lie where you wanted to test me in some weird way local quite global actually wolf does this shit he'll be like i'm cheating on you and then he'll be like gotcha so like this girl just feels this flood of emotion and relief wolf will like ask a girlfriend that he's been with for years to to enter into an open relationship and he'll never ever ever stray from it like he will never ever cheat on her he'll be

good to her so it's just yeah he just there will be some nights where he won't come home and he wants her to think right that she that he's met somebody else it's fucked up it's it is not legal though or sorry not illegal i should say uh all right next question uh by the way this is I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake, I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Obviously. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions,

send it to, if I were you show at gmail.com, much like the kind this guy sent. Should we give this a fake name? If he, if he needs a name. Ooh, Dade. Dade.

Dade. Dave Downey. All right, so one of my best friends, used to bang this girl, who's now in college. Should we say their names? I guess I'll bleep it out. All right.

And they used to date, I guess, but they had a fight recently so they broke up and now she wants to fuck me she's in the range of 5.75 to 6.25 so it's not exactly what i'm wanting to bang but he was always bragging about how he fucked her but now i can uh i can too and show him that it's not that big of a deal because she's not that hot. My friends say I'm a solid 7.5. Some even say 8, which I agree with, of course. Ha ha.

And he's like a point or two below me, so I wouldn't consider this a massive achievement because she'd be my first kill. What does that mean? He's a virgin. Is he? he yeah after bragging so much he's like by the way i've never slept with anybody he says i don't want to make her my first because she was already with him so what do i do bang her and tell him tell him plus all our friends in our group who might find it gross do i fuck her and don't tell any icy probably anybody but they'll

all stink other they'll all still think i'm a virgin for longer than i actually was if there's any way of dealing with this that i can get some pussy or some sloppy toppy please let me know asap because she's tired of waiting to get fucked and i don't want to miss out if i can thanks dade another question we probably might have answered anything yeah i would definitely answer this question two for two dade you are bad he talks so casually he's a naughty he's a not good man the way he's talking is like he slept with 400 girls like should i bang this girl if i find her a five and i'm a seven i want to bang her so she knows she's not that hot the thing is i'm sort'm sort of a virgin, so I've never slept with anybody.

If you also don't like her and you just want to fuck her so you could throw it in your friend's face, that would be a reason not to have sex with her because she's your friend's ex. Have you ever slept with a friend's ex? Hmm. Not that I can think of. Oh, that's another gap in your sex history.

Yeah. That and a married woman. Yeah. Those two white whales. I might have done something like somebody that they were like really casually dating or something, but nothing like so-and-so broke up and I stepped in. That seems really exciting and forbidden. A friend's ex-girlfriend. I guess almost as much as, not as much forbidden a friend's ex-girlfriend i guess almost as much as not as not not as much as i can imagine him wanting to do it if he if he was like

he's not even attracted to her he only wants to do it because she wants to and because he wants to show his friend that it's easy to have sex with her though he's also, he's not a, I love that he's like, all of my friends say I'm a 7.5. Like that's not that good. Some even say an 8, which I agree with. So he agrees with the 8, not the 7.5.

He's actually the only friend that said 8. A solid 7.5. That's a half. Can you be a solid half? Is it a half in between? Yeah, a half by definition is not solid. A solid 7, 8, or 9.5. That's pretty good. Can you be a solid half? Is it a half in between? Yeah, half by definition is not solid. You have to be a solid 7, 8, or 9.

You're actually a soft 8. I'm a rock hard 7.7856. There's no shaking me off that solid whole score. You are a zero. That's the real number. So what do I do? I guess leave her alone. Don't turn her into some sort of sex puppet of yours

that you can brag about. Especially if it's your first one. Like, that should be a little bit more special than some sort of revenge thing. Your first time should not be a revenge porn of itself. Yeah. All right. Moving on.

All right. Do you have a fake name for this guy? um yeah all right moving on all right uh do you have a fake name for this guy dard dard writes so back in college i made a bunch of friends for the past six years three in college and three years after graduation we've been the best of friends we spend all the holidays together and even go on elaborate vacations as a group but now i'm having an issue we're all busy with our careers and seem distant. We barely see each other anymore. And when we get in group messages, everybody is pissy and reads the sarcasm or jokes in the messages wrong. It's becoming a problem. The last time we all hung out, everyone was so into their own world, new girlfriends, jobs, family, that we all just kind of left not really feeling it.

It's so strange because we were the best of friends for so long and now we act like strangers or forced friends even though we still live in the same college town. What should I do? I have a few work friends but no one I can really spend a lot of time with outside the office. I commute an hour each way to work so I only really have weekends and nights free if i was to try and meet new friends where do i start thanks so i think this is a good example of one that we wouldn't necessarily answer because it's like this guy's just describing life yeah i had these friends six years ago and we're actually growing apart and now i don't know how to meet new friends yeah i guess i also don't hang out with the friends that i hung out with every day in college. That's what happens.

You grow apart. Yeah. If I was to try and meet new friends, I would say you should. Where do I even start? I don't know. Works good. Works good. We made a lot of friends at work.

Yeah. I feel like you should take those sort of work friends and make them your for real work friends and then make them friends. But what we do is we work in comedy. So everyone is at the very least funny. Imagine if we just worked at like a potato chip factory. Right. Maybe there might not be a lot of friends there. I'm sure there's a funny guy at the potato chip factory.

It's a silly place to work. Yeah, I can imagine. Maybe like the Pringles logo or something. Yeah. Be friends with the Pringles man. That's funny. He's got a silly little mustache and he looks like he's dead.

Do you think Matt Damon, he says, P.S. Do you think Matt Damon has ever been driving and saw a black car that makes it look like a cop so he slows down? But then when he gets closer, he realizes it's just a normal car and he feels foolish for being extra cautious. With a roof rack on it.

Yeah. No. I don't think Damon gets pulled over that damon always goes five to ten miles per hour over the speed limit can you imagine pulling over damon and damon being like giving a shit like look who you pulled over this is a fun story they ask for his license yeah that's right matthew robert damon motherfucker that's my license is that his middle name no i don't look up what his middle name is what do you think it is i think it's probably a first name like that yeah like uh uh matthew daniel david wow matthew page damon wow it's a last name seems like one of those moms maiden name situation

mpd oh actually there's a news story about Damon in the Daily Mail. Matt Damon and wife Luciano head out for a romantic dinner as they approach 10-year anniversary. Of course. They're at Brentwood's Fancy Steakhouse. And he is wearing glasses, by the way. Wow. Do you ever get your glasses yet? No, they're on their way.

So just know that you can still be Damon-esque and still not have perfect vision. That's all that matters. I wonder what he ordered. Steak. And how did he take it? However the chef prepares it. Did he say that or did he just guess?

He says, what does the chef recommend? And then they say medium rare. And then he considers that for a second because he doesn't want to just blindly take the chef's recommendation. So he goes into his own head he's like does that check with what i desired and then he nods and he says i'll take it medium rare you think damon ever got salmon at a steak restaurant do you think damon's ever gotten food poisoning can you imagine a bacteria so dangerous that it it incapacitated Damon. Yeah, right.

For four weeks, he was just hunched over a toilet, vomiting and diarrhea-ing. Yeah, he's never had a not solid shit, I don't think. New friends. How about this for an idea? You pick a hobby. Let's say I like watching football. I go to a sports bar. That's kind of weird.

I'm not going to go to a sports bar by myself and start making friends you play pickup basketball game or something that's true playing sports pick up basketball but then you have to be invited to the game actually you can arrive i thought the whole point of pickup was that you'd like kind of just be chilling on the sidelines and hop in yeah yeah okay i mean it's tough it's a real uphill battle to start from zero but i think that's that is how you do it you gotta but i will say that new friends are more exciting, it's tough. It's a real uphill battle to start from zero. But I think that is how you do it. You got to... But I will say that new friends are more exciting because it's like, oh, these are people that I align myself with right now. So like rather than friends that are six years old, it's like we've drifted apart a little bit. Our friend Stacy was a brand new friend that I met at the gym.

Right. That's a hobby. Hobby. I went rock climbing. Stacy was there. We still hang out with Stacy. Friendship solved. There you go. Be friends was there. We still hang out with Stacey. Friendship solved. There you go.

Be friends with Stacey. That's a very specific thing. All right, girl's name. Stacey. Stacey writes, I recently broke up with my girlfriend before summer as she had planned on accepting an offer to an out-of-state college.

Over the summer, we hooked up a little as feelings were still there and she was still at home. We even went to a concert together, but recently it turns out she decided against going to that college and will be staying at home to help her mom out as her parents just separated. Obviously, we would be getting

back together, right? Well, it turns out that the whole reason she wanted to go out-of-state was to be with some other guy that she had been thinking about this whole time. I think she's just romanticizing this guy and doesn't realize that we already make a great realistic couple. What do you guys think I should do?

This is a good example of like, what do you mean what you think you should do? You think you're getting broken up with. What do I think you should do? I think she's just romanticizing this guy. We know what you think. Of course you think that. Yes, you've made this opinion to protect yourself,

haven't you? You've created a nice little reality of your girlfriend doesn't like this other guy, but they like you. What do you think I should do? I think we're already a good couple. You do, and your girlfriend doesn't. It takes they like you what do you think i should do i think we're already a good couple i guess you do and your girlfriend doesn't it takes two to really make the relationship work like one person can't be down and the other person sort of half-assing even if like you're so down that's yeah if she's

not down then it's still yeah it's got to be pretty it can't dip below like the mutual yeah it's gotta it's gotta stay above like everyone's at least 80% down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do we think you should do? I guess we think you should maybe accept the fact that this lady doesn't really want to be with you. All you can do is look good in hindsight at this point. You are being broken up with. It is over.

And this person is either going to break up with you and be like you know what stacy took it really well right or she's gonna break up with you and be like you know what i'm really glad i broke up with stacy she really flew off the handle there at the end if i if i had a girlfriend who was down to move cities to be with another guy i think i'd be offended to the point where i wouldn't want to be with her anymore yeah that's another thing to consider i'd be like hey but it's hard because you're like this stacy's obviously hurt by it you're feeling a little vulnerable you're just like i just want things to go back to normal i want things to be how they were i want you to like me as much as i like you but

yeah maybe try to channel some of that anger some of that wouldn't you know not in a bad way but just be like channel some of the pride that's what you should have. I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. So game over. Goodbye. Cool. Holy shit. Should we take a break? Is it time?

Yeah, let's take a break right now and answer as many questions as we can. On the other side of this commercial pause, I meant pause. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy.

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Yeah, you do. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-back. Time to read the question, buddy. Okay. Another dude.

Another dude. Another dude. Dwyer. Dwyer. How do you spell that? D-W-Y-R-E. Oh, R-E. Dwyer. Dwyer writes, hey dudes, I've got an issue, and I want to know if you can shed some heavenly wisdom on the matter.

And this, like all great problems of the modern age, centers around pubic hair. I, like most men, find a natural and unshaven bush to be inconvenient, uncomfortable, and all around kind of gross. So I like to keep it clean down there, and I pride myself in the ability to keep a nice, short, neat cut. In the wee days of my youth, I was learning the fine art of pube shaving, and, of course, I had my fair share of run-ins with ingrown hairs. Most of them went away after a couple days, and since I've figured out how to avoid them and still stay nearly bare. Unfortunately, I have one lasting mark from my inexperienced days. There's a purple mark that's been there

for over a year, which I presume to be a scar from an infected ingrown hair right in the middle of my pubic area. I swear it's like a goddamn grape on my junk and it can't be ignored. So my main concern is girls thinking it's an STD and it's affecting my game. Right now I'm still in high school and still with my first girlfriend, so she knows it's not an STD. I'm just worried about college when I presumably will be smashing every night. Will girls be put off by this unholy monstrosity? Is there any way to cover it up? Will a seemingly absent and uncaring God have a change of heart and have pity on me and cleanse me of this scourge that I've been consuming my psyche as of late? I would really like you two to weigh in on this issue, as it's a big fucking deal. Okay, thanks. Keep it up.

Seize the cheese. Keep doing you. Ta-da. Another pretty good question. Yeah, not necessarily a big deal. I wonder if there's a way to get rid of it if you went to a doctor. It seems like he's trying to avoid the medical opinion. Yeah, I mean, it might be too late because if it's a scar, it's a scar.

But a scar the size of a grape? Yeah, that's the thing that made me look like it. If it's the size and shape of a grape, yeah, get it looked at. That sounds not good. Maybe you can lance it and make some sort of wine out of it, like a shot of wine, a pus wine. Have you ever had pus wine where you lance a grape-sized boil on your body? Just picturing you kneeling down and having it pop it into your mouth i yeah i uh this question i really just think about like

how funny is it that he's just got a girlfriend you're like in high school you really are just like well i know this won't be the one forever so i'll be having sex with other people in a year now when we get into relationships it's like is this person the one right is i have to i have to have a child soon so if this girl's down to ignore the grape size boil maybe i should just lock it down this girl's being so like nice and accommodating and he's just like this flavor of the week is down to fuck me regardless but i'm worried about my shit what if i can upgrade can you maybe just grow your pubes a little bit longer to cover up the thing you don't have to he doesn't have to have them so neat and trim that you can see his pelvis yeah you don't need to keep it like straight

bare down there like you can have a little a little growth that can still be neat and david rosenberg does scorched earth oh he does like i don't like that idea i don't know if he still does it but he used to just have scorched earth like that shaved it every single day yeah like what are you like working at a job at nasa or something that you can't even have stubble i don't understand it's the same like for whatever reason like shaving my legs also kind of grosses me out like for me to have smooth legs but you still do it yes i will still do it obviously i wax every other day but like it's not like a daily shave requirement uh would you ever shave your legs like would that gross you out if i paid you a thousand dollars would you shave your legs uh i guess for a thousand dollars probably

i might do that pay me a thousand dollars yeah to shave your legs sure maybe that could be like a funny podcast yeah so i'll pay you a thousand dollars and you'd shave them yeah what about your arms sure a thousand dollars is that another thousand i'm not gonna shave my arms and legs for a thousand you wouldn't do that no if i gave you a thousand dollars 2500 gets the full body so what 1500 for your arms no just a thousand for you know one or one what if i say uh that is sort of your way of uh decluttering your body suddenly you want to do it right you piece of shit i'm out with my teeth um so what should this guy do i think go to a doctor to make sure that there's it's not removable yeah because if it's i don't

know maybe it's not supposed to be there if it's the size of a grape uh and then there might be like some kind of ointment like when you get stitches or something they give you ointment to make sure there's not a scar it might be too late for stuff like that but you try that and then barring both of those things i think just grow your pubes out just a little bit more oh and then that then that'll actually cover it up. Boom. Three options, dude. What more do you want? Multiple choice. Ooh, another lady.

Another lady question. Because this is ladies question. Uh-huh. And I'm feeling mentions. Do you have a girl's name? Lacey. Wow. Okay, so one of my best friends is a dude.

We've been friends for almost four years, and like the weird instant best friendship that just happens type of thing. But it's always been a bit more than just friendship. We've hooked up quite a bit over the past few years, but never dated. We tell each other we love one another all the time, and have dated a handful of other people while this friendship has gone on. And it's always been weirdly misleading because it'll feel like we're dating, but then a few weeks later, one of us will be dating someone else. I just don't know if it's just me feeling like we should

have been dating this whole time, or if the timing not working out was good because we could still keep our great friendship going. It also doesn't help that all our friends ask me why we aren't just dating. We graduated from college about a month ago and now live in cities a few hours away from each other. He's come to visit already and stayed with me, and it was awesome, but a little too couple-y for us to be just friends. I don't know what to say, or if I should say anything, because honestly, no matter what, we'll always still be friends. I think him and I have just gone through a lot of weird uncertainty that we should both get some clarity, but I have no idea what to say or where to start.

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. He also listens to the show, so we'll see if he picks up on it. I think he'll get it based on the context clues that you heard. Thanks for the read. Hope to hear back from you. Hugs and high fives, Lacey. Lacey, nice memory. It seems like both of you might be thinking about this.

And this is like one of those relationships where there's this elephant in the room and it's lasted for four years. I feel like you guys have to have one epic conversation. Yeah, I think you deserve it. He probably feels like it's coming. And it'll be cathartic to have a conversation. I don't even know. He might not see it coming and he'll just hope that maybe he's like a dude where he's like, I don't know.

I'll hook up with her and I'll see another girl and then I'll want to do this. Why do we have to talk about it? It's a dream situation for him. Yeah, to be it's like seem it's borderline an open relationship for both of you guys maybe don't fuck with it it's pretty good uh you guys are best friends and you get to hook up and then you sometimes hook up with other people but you're always going to be best friends by the way that's not true you won't always be best friends i feel like once you start defining the shit and then like you guys either go for it or then break up like officially, I don't think you can just go back to status quo.

Probably not. But this is probably not sustainable forever. I would say have the conversation and it should, it can even be as like, uh, on the nose as Hey, uh, we should talk. Right. And then I think he'll know what that means. Nice idea. Like, oh, we've sort of been dating and hooking up and friends for four years.

What do you want to talk about? What could it possibly be? What are we? As soon as you say we should talk, he'll probably just be like, yeah, you're right. But like, you think he'll go for it? Like, you guys should either, right now you're sort of in this gray area. I think you should choose one way or the other. I feel like you guys are going to talk and be like, I don't want to mess with our friendship. So you're sort of in this gray area i think you should choose uh one way or the other i feel like you guys are going to talk and be like i don't want to mess with our

friendship so you're not going to go out and then you're not going to stop hooking up you could talk about it but you'll end up doing the same thing as my theory which is just hooking up i guess the real question is what does she want yeah do you think this girl wants idea does she all you want is to define it either way then then say you're in an open relationship yeah or if you want to go for it you want to date him then you have to say that because then that changes everything or you can just stay friends so step number one is decide what you want step number two is have a conversation and if what he wants doesn't match up with what you want then maybe maybe should i go out with her is that crazy she does you just she's like

just graduated college and she's casual about sex yeah so like she's perfect she's yeah she's probably hot because she's 22 to 23 and her name is lacy and that's like a hot name yeah even if it's not her actual name the fact that that's the name we gave her was actually pretty hot so like i have so now i have a hot girl and this fucking guy you're a solid 7.5 who's been hooking up with her is starting to encroach on my shit this cast in no way nice thank you uh all right have a conversation uh all right next email uh hi it's Adam I just started using Next Plus for my phone calls my new number is it's just an ad

it says I've been using Next Plus for my phone call messages this is my mobile number download this to your mobile device don't even say their name again alright talk to you soon oh oh this is just a follow up email let's see if this okay here we go Don't even say their name again. All right. Talk to you soon. Oh.

Oh. This is just a follow-up email. Let's see if this... Okay, here we go. This guy appears to be foreign. He appears to be either Danish or Swedish or something. Same thing. There's lots of vowels that I'm not really sure what they are in his name. So maybe you can give up a fake interesting European name to give this guy.

Oh, yeah. First and last, ideally. Sasha. Uh-huh. Sasha Uzfalofa. Oh, yeah, that's good. Sasha Uzfalofa writes, So traipsing around on Omegle with interests such as relationship,

like the lonely-ass 15-year-old I am, and I find this hot 22-year-old girl who was a goddamn dime piece by happenstance. After a bit of chatting, she says she was turned on by me and wanted to make me cum. After a good hard dicking of 30 minutes, I hadn't cum yet. I'm writing an hour after this embarrassment when she said she was going to bed how the hell can i come faster was i too nervous and then in a follow-up email p.s i knew she wasn't some stripper or bought her some shit because she gave me like five picks and a vid for free and didn't ever redirect me to some website you're mad because you couldn't

come in a chat why did you tell her because it's a video i think omegle is video but he says that he knows it wasn't a bot because she sent him pics yeah oh so maybe it was just text so omegle chat yeah you're right and he's jerking off so hard he can't come, and he told the bot, and then she went to bed. Maybe he told her she did, but now he's wondering, how the hell can I come faster? Which is a new type of question. How do I come faster?

I feel like... I think you have to just do it less. Yeah, when you're jerking off, I don't know, it really shouldn't be hard to make yourself come from masturbating. Unless it's like this is the sixth time of the day. Right. And you're just running dry. Maybe that could be it, yeah.

So I would say, how the hell can I come faster? Come less often. Higher quality, less quantity. Also, are you using lube? Maybe some lubrication, some baby oil, some Vaseline, some Juergens hand lotion. What is baby oil? Like, what is that? It's just like super slippery.

I mean, I don't know what it actually is, but... What are you supposed to do with baby oil? Why does a baby need oil? Oil your baby. Yeah, as if your baby's too dry, use a baby oil? Yeah, I think it's supposed to be good for its skin. It makes the skin soft, kind of like lotion. It's also weird because most oils are

the word before it. I don't think I've ever used baby oil for whatever it was designated for. It's not to jerk off. Every other oil is the oil is what it's made out of. Coconut oil is made out of coconuts or canola oil, vegetable oil. But baby oil is not made out of

weight. What the fuck is this bottle? You sick bastards! You made me eat a baby. You shouldn't be eating the oil regardless. That's true. That's true. On we go?

Yeah. You think people will like this lightning round? I don't know. It's a little different. It's a bonus Thursday. The questions have all been pretty legit. Yeah. I mean, I don't think we would have answered how can I come faster, but it's kind of interesting

to get to questions we wouldn't necessarily have gone to. Maybe that could be a bonus Thursday theme. Oh, interesting. Tweet at us. Let us know what you think about this lightning round shit. Oh, this might not be a question. Hey guys, I just want you to know that during 1950, two Rosenbergs, being Julius and Ethel,

were convicted guilty of sharing nuclear secrets with the Soviets. Not to worry, because any arms race that America and Russia may have in the future, I'm sure that Dave would win. Hashtag curls before girls. I understand this email is entirely pointless. I just thought you should know. Peace out. Has Dave ever said curls before girls? Cause it does sound like something he'd say.

I can't remember ever hearing it. I can't remember hearing that either. It's pretty funny. See, sometimes the emails aren't even questions or just tips. Suggestions. Uh, all right.

Uh, here's one from a dude from canada all right steve nash writes i'm in a bit of a complicated situation with my ex-girlfriend right off the bat seems like he should not be in any situation what situation is um is actually like simple with an ex-girlfriend yeah Don't be in a situation with your ex because it will be complicated. We were together for a few years in high school, but mutually decided that we would break up before

we went to college because we knew how complicated it would be to either do long distance or go in with a pre-established relationship. So we decided to not tell each other which schools we were applying to and agreed to put some distance between us, allowing ourselves to experience other people comfortably and without the other's judgment. However, after I told her which college I was choosing to make, I was, sorry, however, after I

told her which college I was choosing, to make sure she didn't pick the same one, she suddenly decided that she would go to school there too, it being her third choice, not her first like me, and that she wouldn't change her mind. Now we both go there. This isn't a huge problem. I wasn't too mad about it, but my issue is she wants to hang out all the time and be friends, which is what we were trying to avoid in the first place, at least so soon after the breakup. And this isn't the worst part. When we hang out, she always makes moves on me and tells me how much she still loves me. Since our breakup was so mutual and pre-decided,

neither of our feelings were really hurt. Essentially, we keep hooking up because she's a tempstress and I can't say no. What do I do to help? Please, this has been going on for a fucking year and I can't tell her to stop because when I don't show interest in her, she thinks I hate her, which I don't. You didn't break up with your girlfriend, so don't call her your ex.

It's such a silly, weird situation. We broke up mutually, and she constantly confesses her love to me. We still hook up and go to the same school. Yeah, so that's not a breakup. It's almost like the breakup never happened i think if you actually don't want to see her you should make you make it clear i know in certain terms you have to break up that's what it is you break up you can't be like halfway doing it we're still friends we go to the same school we still hook up yeah because that's not

being broken up and it sounds like she it was not as mutual as you hoped it would be yeah i don't think it was i don't think it was mutual to her right i think she felt like she it was not as mutual as you hoped it would be yeah i don't think it was i don't think it was mutual to her right i think she felt like she got dumped and she's clawing her way back into your heart it's one of those things where you felt bad so it's like this is mutual right and she felt bad too she doesn't want to be dumped like yeah it's mutual yeah you're totally right anyway i do want to go to college with you i want to hang out all the time and we will still hook up and if you don't see me you hate me uh yeah uh i can't tell her to stop because when i don't show interest she thinks i hate her that's a problem with someone that you're going

out with yeah that's not something a friend says to a friend yeah you don't think that's not a friend problem that's a girlfriend problem that's like you you hate me because you don't want to hook up with me is not an issue you have to deal with so i think yeah sadly you just have to like let her think that you hate her for a little bit yes to deal with so i think yeah sadly you just have to like let her think that you hate her for a little bit yes you could say like i don't hate you but and she'll be confused she'll say something like how can you do this where is this coming from sure i'm sure she's a tempstress and i'm sure she will try to not break up with you but you have to stay strong and break up with her and not be her friend either for a little bit. You can't transition from girlfriend to friend immediately.

Everybody has to hate each other for a period of time. Right, that's the way to get over someone. You can't be the guy that breaks her heart and consoles her. Yeah. They can't be the same person. You are two pieces of bread and you need to make a sandwich. That's beautiful. Thank you.

Thoughts on which salami or luncheon meat she should use? I think it should be turkey. I really do think it should be a pastrami, like you said. You didn't actually say that. So we agree. Onward. We still got about five minutes to go. Let's do it.

Another spam from a website called iPoll. Cool. I'll have to read that. Ooh, this one's interesting. Help, a celebrity is hitting on me. Whoa. Interesting. Can we say who the celebrity is?

I wonder if she even says it. Let's give this lady a fake name. She's a freshman in Chicago. Tracy. Tracy McGrady writes, Hey guys, I'm a freshman in college from Chicago. Recently, one of my favorite comedians on YouTube slash movie stars added me on Snapchat.

And after a few funny snaps, I sent him. This alone was a dream come true for me, of course. But I didn't contact him again because I didn't want to seem like a fangirl. Shit, this is about you. Oh, my God. He sent me a message over chat and asked if we had met before. He said I'd look so familiar as if we had met in another life and he hoped we can meet in real life he then followed me on instagram and

liked a bunch of my pictures and told me how pretty i was and how kissable my lips looked here's the shitter he then said that he wanted to keep one of the pictures on my story forever so he screenshotted it and asked if it was weird that he was zooming in and pretended to make out with a photo at this point i'm very confused but flattered i responded by saying is it weird that i wish it was true and he opened it but he didn't respond i'm sending you guys this email because i'm curious am i a fucking loser weirdo for saying that? Is this celeb a scumbag? Am I special or does he just use his popularity to try to get nudes from cute chicks?

Should I try to talk to him again? Somehow I'm a little sad that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I wanted to be his friend and make him laugh. You cool cats are internet comedians too. Do you see where he's coming from you're the only ones i know that could help any advice or comforting words would be greatly appreciated much love tracy it's so strange so he went from he went from like creeping her out she's like

ew gross to now she wants his now she does want the advance yeah that what she said to him was the most flirtatious thing i guess what he did first was very flirtatious kissable lips zooming in on the photo i want to save this snap forever is it weird that i wish it was true it's like very like forward so it sounds like you just flirted back though it wasn't like you went no you didn't say anything that turned him off i'm sure you said exactly what he was hoping for that's like what he wanted the entire time right but the fact that he didn't respond is a little odd why would he just stop i bet he did respond eventually just didn't look like i'm sure he's clearly hitting on you i bet he does if he's doing it to you he does it to everybody yeah you're no way that you're the only person on social media if he's famous you're the only person that's hitting him up right uh

but she just wanted to be his friend well what about all these questions let's just tackle them one by one lightning Lightning round after all. Sure. Am I a fucking loser weirdo for saying that? No. Is the celeb a scumbag? Not entirely. Am I special or does he just use his popularity to try to get nudes from cute chicks?

Both. She's special and he uses popularity to get nudes from cute chicks? Yeah, I think she's special in her own right, but she's not the only person that he's doing this to. Should I try to talk to him again? Not if he doesn't respond? Yeah, not if he doesn't respond. And also go into it knowing that this is not like a true love thing.

This isn't like some magical connection you have with a celebrity. He is doing this with a lot of people. Do you see where he's coming from? Yeah, I've definitely been there before hitting on people over twitter instagram facebook all that stuff yeah uh uh you're the only ones oh that's it that was it tracy you think we helped uh yeah i think i mean i don't want to throw this guy under the bus for being a little horn dog that's i you know as long as he's single and as

long as he's not hurting anybody, it's fine. But she shouldn't feel like, whoa, this dude was in love with me and I said something and I fucked up and now he's not in love with me anymore. He just thought you were hot. He probably still thinks you're hot, but I bet he's getting lots of messages from people.

And that's the truth, Tracy. One last question. Sure. I am a boy in high school and I've never been a cool, but for the last month or so, I became a boy in high school, and I've never been a cool, but for the last month or so, I became a pimp and a cool. Toda. A Brad Pitt of my grade, if you will.

My question is, should I keep this newfound power to myself, or should I just fuck every hot girl in my grade? P.S., every girl in my grade is willing to fuck me. Thank you. So this is a good example of a question that we get where they're trying to be funny. It's not a real question. It doesn't mean anything. This guy actually, and unfortunately he was right, but not in the way he thought it was right.

He thought we would either take this seriously and try to answer it or find it so funny that we would have to read it on the show. But we actually only read it because we read every single email in succession. Yeah, so don't. You sent it at the very right time time which was 12 hours ago at 5 59 in the morning uh sometimes the questions will be false uh we try to do our best to answer only real questions but unfortunately many of them are either incorrect fake uh or repetitive like oh this girl's friend zoned me or hey i want this girl to like me but she doesn't what i can fuck anyone who should i fuck yeah talking about uh there's nothing to answer in this question should we try to find like can we hang out please uh we do want to hang out with you that's right that's

correct uh all right here's another one let's see if this one's worth axing or answering there's a girl whom i work with that's been showing signs of attraction, but I've never had a girlfriend, and I don't really know if she just wants to be friends or if she wants to have a more personal relationship. She always tells me that she doesn't want me to leave when my shift is almost over

and engages Snapchat conversations most of the time. Should I ask her out? I don't know what to do. I'm 18. Sounds like you could ask her out. Yeah. You don't really have a lot to lose. I think this is another type of question we get

where guys are on the fence or they need convincing to do something that they probably already want to do. You saw him coach us towards the answer. Yeah. She always says this. She engages in Snapchat and she seems

like she likes me should i ask her out do you just want us to say yes yeah he wants the answer is yes or he wants uh like ask when you ask someone out there's a fear of rejection like what were you thinking why did you do that but then it's like i asked these guys and they said yes it seemed like a no-brainer yeah i think you always you weigh the the signs in this case the signs i think are worth asking around you always ask out once if you've never asked them out yeah i think it's just like do i ask them out again we get that sometimes too it's like i asked her out she said no but now this this and this are happening should i ask her out again the answer for that is always no never ask out twice like i see these three signs should i ask

her out the answer is always yes because even if she says no it's fine you like still got the signs right you got the signs and you opened up your eyes you got the signs uh that's it i think we answered more questions on this show than in the past what four or five episodes combined we didn't get deep, but we definitely scraped the surface of a lot. Let us know what you think. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, send them all to fireshow at gmail.com.

The opening one was written by Gus Rachels. This closing one was by Soph and Amalia. Which HeadGum episode should we put at the end of this to tease people? A little bit of Black Men Can't Jump. All right, let's find an intriguing part of Black Men Can't Jump, which is a podcast with three comedians

talking about black people's role in Hollywood. Very interesting, very intriguing. Stick around for that. And again, you can listen to all the head gum podcasts at head gum.com. Thanks for listening. We'll be back on Monday. Peace.

My mom told me to roll my own socks. I got a problem. I got a problem. My dad told me to mow the lawn. I got a problem. I got a problem. My dad told me to move. I got a problem. I got a problem. I saw my mom sleeping with my uncle. I got a problem.

I got a problem. It's funny because the first time you see Eddie in the movie, he's not cracking jokes. It's like, it's establishing that like, this dude is badass. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I think the energy of him is still very comical. I mean, it is, but to me it's like, but when you see him though, it's like, this isn't like, when I first saw him, it's like he's undercover or whatever. It's like this is just a badass cop. To me, it wasn't like some jokey dude who was going to be stringing one-liners throughout the whole movie.

Right. No. Like Rush Hour starts the same way. Yes. Rush Hour starts the same way with like he's undercover, you know, and he's. You know, like and it's like that's what's happening. It starts the same way with like he's undercover you know and he's you know like and it's like that's what's happening right it starts the same way but but i think no no no go back and do do your impression of a fast talking okay so so rush hour starts and it's

this is terrible this is the worst thing ever so i wasn't trying to actually do it. But you know what I mean? He's like, Oh man. Okay. Right. That's how it starts. I don't know what you're talking about. It's Mickey Mouse, Chris Tucker. But it starts that way.

But like to, to your point, something you were saying, Gerard is, is how like in rush hour, we don't see, we don't see, we don't see Chris Tucker's character actually be smart, but we get to see Eddie Murphy's character be smart.

Like that's how it's like, it starts with him being actually a very believable kind of like drug dealer type, you know? And like, I think that that's what's great. That's what sort of feels. Even like his thing with the cops and him being like, Oh like he doesn't panic he's just like you know what happens to the officer like it just shut down it just shut down like yeah and like he's he is clearly like

that fast talking person who's like tries to talk his way out of everything but there is like an intelligence to the to the like you know lies that he's like coming up with basically see to me that was the beauty of it because it was like and that's something i's like coming up with basically see to me that was the beauty of it because it was like and that's something i feel like doesn't happen a lot now just with movies in general especially if it's like a comedian in like an action type of role it's like you don't understand that this person is more than just being funny yeah in that movie they went out of their way to show you on multiple occasions like, oh, this dude understood that the coffee grounds probably means there's drugs in this box. But I would like to bring up the fact that as great as the movie was, he still did not get the attractive white girl.

That was a HeadGum podcast.