Segments - 17: Batman vs. Porn

Episode Date: August 26, 2013

In this episode we discuss handjobs, Burning Man, and nursing baby birds back to health. This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com -- cool glasses for less than a hundred bucks! Use coupon code "crosby" for free expedited shipping. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Latest skaters. Awful. Sorry. Sorry. Sipping on some Gatorade and vodka. Yeah, they got some stories to tell ya. And at times when you don't know what to do, stick in your head, boy, you got no clue.

So just listen to If I Were You. So just listen to If I were you. So just listen to if I were you. What do they whisper at the end? Stylin'? Stylin'? Stylin'? Stylin'? Man, I love that one.

Our fans are so much more talented than us. They don't have to know that. You shouldn't inflate their ego too much. Because then they're going to start a podcast and people will stop listening to ours. I hope they do. No, I really hope they do. I'd love to record an intro for that band's podcast. That wouldn't work out.

That was Jacques Snow. And this is If I Were You. Do they have a website that I could go to? Probably. Maybe. If you search Jacques Snow on MySpace.com, maybe you'll find something. Damn.

This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the whole internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we are not drunk. Yeah, we're the opposite of the last podcast. We're recording this at like 11 a.m. in your apartment, in your towel cavern. But you know what?

It works. So no regrets. I guess the opposite of drunk would be hung over which we're not that either i'm a little hungover still from the other night geez that was five days ago i i drank that much vodka gatorade i raged that much face i raged so much face i was actually still drinking into monday and i woke up and i was like fuck it i'm gonna keep on going keep the dream alive that's what they call a bender, I think. Yeah, I didn't want to let the hangover set in.

So I was like, hair of the dog, hair of the dog, hair of the dog, whole dog in my body right now. You actually ended up eating a dog. You were so drunk. I was so drunk I ate a dog. Yeah, I shaved a dog and then ate the dog. It was crazy. I cared. I didn't want fur in my mouth, but I was drunk enough to eat a dog.

But I was conscientious of fur. So this podcast is about us eating animals, describing they are how they feel how they taste this is your first time listening we have a shaved dog here today's episode um this is making sound effects for the next hour that was the dog actually making that razor noise. In actuality, this podcast is about real people emailing us in. They're in difficult places in their lives, and they're seeking solace, comfort, and advice, and we try to give it to them as best we can. Seeking solace in all the wrong places. Mainly just this one.

We've almost never been sympathetic. If anything, we only add to the stress that they feel by making fun of them and their love find yourself in a public uh or in a in a difficult situation and you will be publicly shamed how's that for fair how is that a good idea either way it works uh so uh yeah they email us at if i were you show at gmail.com we read all the emails we choose four to six to answer during the show and we we try our best damn it don't be like pissed off that we don't get to everyone like that i know i'm just like that my default setting is pissed off annoyed angry and change that yeah change that i don't think i should though all right well that's the worst problem yeah i don't

even want to start changing not even like i don't think i can it's like i don't think i should yeah like everyone should be as pissed and scared as you right like an alcoholic who doesn't want to recover how's he supposed to help himself oh yeah i guess the first part is recognizing that you need help and i do not do that right i don't think i have a problem yeah anyway uh yeah any did i miss anything or is that usually you forgot to mention that you were a bitch oh come on no no that's fine um that's really that's what you're gonna okay holy shit crying it really yeah yeah yeah i meant it was i know it was a joke but it really freaking it sounded real and it felt real i know it i. No joke is 100% false. There's a shred of truth in every joke

and that shred really just cut into my freaking heart. Are you kidding? I'm actually not kidding. I'm not kidding. Leave my towel, Kaepernick. Please don't open the door as it will create a reverb echo effect that I can't have in this show.

I'm speaking into a towel right now, you guys. You don't understand. We're doing this from a pillow fort, but it sounds great. Should we get started? Should we start reading some email, try to answer some questions? Yeah, let's do it. Let's help some people in need. This is exciting.

The whole episode doesn't exist yet, but is about to. Think about that. No, just start reading okay just trying to imbue some poetic jake please think about it i don't know just it's cool if you think about it for a while all right yeah just we're small little people and the world is so grand but we're making a little bit of a difference, I guess. Think about it. Let's do it. Okay. Yeah. All right. This one comes from, we'll call him Sam Seaborn. Lovely.

Fake name, real person, real email. We're going to give everyone a fake name just to preserve some anonymity. The most impressive thing you do on this podcast to me is say anonymity without incorrectly. Every single time. Anonymity. Oh, wait. I could do it. Anonymity. Oh, I'm no longer impressed. You you're a hack sir i know i no longer need you all right here we go fake name

real email dear jake mere so last night i was browsing the internet and i found a link to some porn on a message board curious and mildly aroused i copied pasted it into an incognito tab and checked it out turns out it wasn't as satisfying as initially described, so I skipped the jacking off and went to sleep. The next morning, I woke up particularly early due to a bad night's sleep. Still drowsy, I stumbled to my computer to browse Tumblr while I woke up. I happened to see a cool Batman picture and decided to link it to my GF. I selected the URL, opened up a chat window with her, hit control V, then enter to send the message. But to my horror, I forgot to copy the Batman pics URL and instead center the mediocre porn link

from the previous night. She's offline, but the messages will be delivered as soon as she logs on. I've only got a few hours until she wakes up and sees it. How do I prevent the imminent embarrassment? Yours truly, Sam Seaborn. I don't want my girlfriend to know i watch mediocre porn if it was linked to the real shit dude if it was hot then that would be one thing but it was so

mediocre i couldn't even get off to it now she's gonna see it think i did i also love the way this guy watches porn it's just like i was on a message board thought i might see some porn i was ready to jerk off but it wasn't satisfying so i skipped it and went to bed. Yeah. Who does that? I was so close. But at that point, what am I going to go back to the message board? What message board is this? I don't. It's so weird.

It's like, all right, here's this porn. I'm going to do it. And then nothing. Well, there's no other porn on the Internet. I guess that one wasn't the video for me. I'm sort of one and done in that regard. I don't really like to give it two chances. Oh, man.

I believe in fate. Is it not embarrassing that you were going to send your girlfriend a cool Batman picture? What's more embarrassing, the Batman picture or the mediocre porn you were going to send? I guess to me they're almost equally embarrassing. Have you ever found porn on a message board? What is that? Totally, yeah. Wait, it's like a porno message board?

In my experience. It's like a forum? In my experience, turn the volume down, mom. But not all the way off. You're listening it too loud right now. Wash a dish or something. I know. All right.

If you find a, say you're watching a porn video and it's a very attractive girl and you're like, oh, I like the way she does this. I'm a new fan of hers. And then you find out her name. You could Google her. Sometimes message boards will show you obscure videos that she's done that you haven't seen. So once you do some more research, it'll lead you to a message board. Right. I see.

You are like a passive porn watcher. Yeah, I like, yeah. I'll just go to RedTube, watch whatever top videos there are right there on the front page. I'm an amateur. I'm a goddamn hack. I'm a 15-year-old. I'm in like the deep cuts of you porn. You understand?

Watching videos from 1998. Before the internet. Porn's golden years. You can tell they were digitized from VHS. Deep cuts. That was one of the names of the pornos that i watch that's the name of the message board uh yeah i mean there's nothing you can do i think just own up to it laugh be like haha wrong link well yeah well you can play it off as a joke you can play it off as a joke

you can play it off as a mistake or you can just apologize the problem is it's definitely if it were hot porn you could send it to her and be like i want to do this with you and it's like wow that's that's kind of sexy but to wake up at 8 a.m and have that mediocre porn he sent it in the morning it wasn't like a late night thing hey 7 48 a.m i just have sex in the morning yeah but to send that chat like just to admit that you were looking at porn at like 7 45 a.m and sending it to her right how close are you with your girlfriend i wouldn't be so like answer jake any answer the man how close are you with your girlfriend yeah you're very intimate you are you presumably um well i don't know what how old you are what you do but we need more information but is it embarrassing to admit to your girlfriend

that you watch porn everybody watches porn but is it still embarrassing to admit to your girlfriend that you watch porn it's watches porn. But is it still embarrassing to admit to your girlfriend that you watch porn? It's embarrassing that she's going to see a video. But like, it's not like you jerked off to that video. Yeah, but what is that? What he's going to say? No, you don't understand. It's like I jerked off to it. Yeah, I guess.

I don't know. It is. It's a very weird situation. I think you you send her the you say, whoops, wrong link. LOL. Don't click. Don't click. Don't click, don't click. Yeah, as if you were like, oh, that was a weird joke that I sent you porn instead of the Batman URL.

When in actuality, that's what you did. Or just send her a bunch of links starting now, just like 28 links. And then just be like, sorry, I got spammed. Don't click on any of those. It's spammed. Or send her four porn links in a row and be like, LOL, sorry, my roommate got a hold of my computer. Oh, there you go. That's what I would do.

I would say somebody else sent that over. I'd send you a bunch of porn links and then not even blame the roommate. Just be like, that's... Because porn being sent out is total spam. Just be like, that was a spam bot. Sorry. Like my computer got hacked by a robot that sent you porn links. Right.

Anyway, to make up for it,'s a cute little batman pic uh i think it's too late by the time you got this but uh sam seaborne if you're listening please let us know how you played it i want to like do a little follow-up pup to this guy yeah i agree i want to see how he played it off his girlfriend jerked off to the batman do you think it's possible that this could lead to a fight? I'd be very surprised. It's like, why did you send me that? Why are you looking at that? Am I not satisfying for you?

No, dude. I'll dress up like Batman if that's what will get you off. Stop sending me Batman pictures. And then, yeah, it'll lead to some really cool role-playing shit where she's batman you ever been fucked by robin hell yeah only batman's been fucked by robin only robin's been fucked by batman oh you almost said mercy did not you totally did but in my head i didn't but i didn't say it out loud oh mercy by the. By the way, the Uncle Jesse quote is have mercy. Yeah. Not oh mercy. So I'm still within my legal bounds. I think you're still a hack.

You're just saying the quote wrong. I'm messing up twice. I'm plagiarizing incorrectly so that it outdoes the plagiarism. All right. Let's go on to question number two. This one's from Leo McGarry. Leo McGarry writes, I've just found a small injured bird outside my friend's house, at which I am house-sitting at the moment. I instinctively brought it inside, but now I'm at a loss for what to do. Now I just have a small dying bird in a shoebox. Help.

What can we help with? What can we help with, Leo? It is funny that he instinctively brought in this bird. He's like, oh, he's injured. Oh, I'm going to put it in a shoebox. All right. All right. It's at home.

It's at home. And damn it. What now? Birds die all the time in nature. What you're doing is disrupting the status quo. I actually, I have similar experiences with this. Back in where I grew up uh we had a lot of cats my family so my cats were always like killing and maiming squirrels and birds right

and my family like i mean i've i buried so many birds in little shoe boxes in my yard and then you just you know so you rescue them in the shoe box and then you just bury them in when they're alive and this is actually what you should do if the bird, if you think you might be able to help it, you can take it to your local humane society. Do vets give a shit about injured pigeons? Not vets, humane societies. What's the difference? I'm not sure what it...

The humane society looks after all animals. So you bring them up... Vets cost a shitload of money. Humane societies are pro bono. You can bring that bird there. Actually, my sister, two weeks ago, found a baby bird limping around our yard. She skipped work, took the bird. The nearest open humane society was like an hour away.

She drove all the way out there, showed them the bird. They said, oh, this is just a baby bird. It's learning to fly. Its parents were watching it from the nest. So what you've done is frighten the parents you stole the bird it was about to learn to fly and uh so she's like freaked out again took had to bring it all the way back to my house this is a two-hour drive at this point but as soon as she opened the box the bird flew out and flew right up to its nest so uh i would here's an argument for you the humane society does more harm than good what yeah how just by just by wasting so much manpower

electricity energy uh resuscitating needless animals lives that it's a waste it's a net drain on society that is so not how's that that is yeah the cost of electricity you're an asshole you're a bad person the amount of gas people spend driving freaking birds to this humane society well you know the cons outweigh the pros of helping out a pigeon that is so yeah you should be able to kill birds you should be able to kill birds without you do kill birds you killed several birds this week i see you have a slingshot like a like a goddamn debaucherous eight-year-old or something like a freaking bart simpson with a vendetta i just walk around brooklyn killing birds stuffing them into my pockets i'm googling

humane society right now i just i really think there is i think they do a lot of good work yeah i really do yeah you think they do the good work yes they were what they like put like lizards they like fix lizards feet and like uh make sure that like uh squirrels are not in pain well yeah they fuck you man they they go to they try to stop animal suffering due to cruelty okay so yeah well what animals i feel like if it's smaller than a squirrel, they're suffering. You think small birds can suffer and die with no help? With no remorse. Yes.

I don't think there should be humans spending time resuscitating animals smaller than squirrels. You know, I think, I mean, I think you're wrong. I also think like when we were younger, when we did this, when we rescued squirrels and birds and brought them to the Humane Society and saw them healed, that was us learning compassion for other things. Not necessarily like, yes, I care a lot about squirrels now, but I try to care more about people now because I recognize that. So you start with squirrels and then you work your way up to human. I think so. You're giving me a look.

I just think small animals deserve to die Or suffer based on what happened to them in nature You don't even think small animals at least just deserve to live No, I really Like outside of human interaction You think they should all be dead I really feel like they should all be dead I love a world with no birds

You don't want to hear birds sing You don't want to look at squirrels jumping around in the trees. You don't like that. When you run over a bird, have you ever run over a bird? Yes, I've run over. How do you feel? I hit several robins once. And I felt, I also hit a raccoon one time.

I ran over a cat once. Okay. Now we're getting into areas that you should start feeling bad about. But did you feel any remorse when you killed a robin? I felt a ton of remorse when I killed a robin. So how was I raised differently from you? Because if I killed a bird, if I ran over a bird, I would feel absolutely nothing. When we were driving in Iceland, my brother hit a bird.

And he almost cried. We were driving. He hit a bird. We all felt terrible. Then later, Jeff was my brother. And he almost cried. We were driving. He hit a bird. We all felt terrible. Then later, Jeff was making fun of him. He was like, please don't. I can't handle that. Not right now.

I don't know. A squirrel maybe? Honestly, I think I felt an equal amount of remorse for hitting the cat. Birds can fly. They're beautiful. I don't actually think that people should kill animals or make them suffer. But I feel like if in nature, these small animals are suffering or do die, I don't feel anything towards that.

Well, not in nature if you hit a bird with your car. A car is part of nature. No, it's not. Haven't you seen that Yukon Denali commercial where it comes out of a tree? I haven't, and I stand corrected. GMC makes cars from the earth um so what should this guy do bring him to a humane society i think you should bring it to that drain on society that drain on humane society you know i'm going to start a petition that'll lobby to close every humane society i'm sure there's like there's a very valid reason they

have them in every country so i think there's a valid reason for humane societies. Let me know what they are. All right. Ready? Question number three. I can't wait to see how I come off on this one. Whether or not I should lobby for animal hospitals to be shut down permanently. You don't care about animals, but I don't care about people so i guess we're fair yeah if i'm like the nicest guy and like super friendly and care so much about people and do a lot of charity work but have that actual the attitude that i have towards animals am i still a good guy i guess so am i better than a guy who loves animals but hates humans i mean you're pretty passive it's not like you're out there actually trying to close humane societies, actually killing animals.

That's true. It's mostly for joking's sake. You're still a good guy. But I do feel it that way a little bit. Enough to embellish it into a comedy bit. It's a little callous, I guess. Thanks, man. I appreciate that.

A little callous is the nicest way you could have described that rant. All right. Question number three. This one comes from CJ. CJ Craig writes, Hey, guys. This one comes from CJ. CJ Craig writes, Hey guys, I got a huge problem. My best friend that I met in fourth grade and has been a brother to me ever since started dating my sister about two years ago. I had no problem with the relationship and I actually enjoyed being around them since we all get along so well. Recently, however, I found out my sister gave handjobs to three different people on the football team.

What do I do? I love them both and neither one has ever given me a reason to distrust them. I love my sister, but my best friend means everything to me. Do I tell him or pretend that I never knew? Thank you so much. If you read this, please help. Yikes. Three handjobs.

Yeah. Three handjobs to let's see how many people. Okay. Three different people. One handjob per person. Jesus. I mean, I think if it's that intense of a cheat. Was it at the same time?

I'd really like to know if it was the same time in the locker room after either a football win or a loss. I'd like to know because if it was a loss, then she's just being compassionate. Yeah, as long as it wasn't a congratulatory handjob i think we're in the clear here is handjob uh worse or better for cheating than making out like if you found out that your girlfriend gave someone a handjob is that worse than making out we all this is the second handjob cheat question that we had yeah it's so weird it's so like it's so foul it's in between it's it's sort of it's you can like construe it as like handjob is like, you know, more sexual because it's like more intimate. But at the same time, it's like more scientific than making out. No fluids are exchanged.

Well, there's fluid coming out. But exchanged. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it's staying, it's either in one person's body or out of both of them. When making out, it's like swapping saliva. Swapping saliva. And then oral sex is like saliva with semen.

Yeah. So if anything, handjobs should be first base because it's just one person pleasuring another one. Let's try to change the world, people. Yeah. Handjob's the new first base.

Kissing is home. All right? No, no, no. So what is having sex? Grand slam. Which is also home. Technically. But you're sending three other

people home you can only have foursomes from now on orgies are grand slams uh i guess if i were you i would um maybe i talked to your sister and say hey i know what happened um i think you need to make this right in your relationship whether it means telling him or breaking up or whatever but i don't know there's something weird about like being the middleman and taking the matters I think you need to make this right in your relationship, whether it means telling him or breaking up or whatever. But I don't know. There's something weird about being the middleman and taking matters into your own hands like that. You know what it is? Here's a good mathematical way of quantifying it.

Thank God. Thank God you're here to quantify it mathematically for us. So let's say... Everyone turn the podcast off now. So let's say your relationship with everyone is on a scale of one to a hundred. So if you're really close to someone, that's a hundred.

If you're very far, it's a one. And then everyone else lies somewhere in between. Whoever your, whoever's number is higher is whose loyalty you should be with. So for example, you caught your sister giving three handjobs. Are you a 90 with her and an 85 to your friend?

Because if so, that 90 is higher than the 85, and thus you shouldn't tell your friend. But if you're closer with your friend than you are with a girl, then your loyalty is owed to him, and you should tell that person. So whether you catch your girlfriend, your sister cheating on her boyfriend, the decision whether to tell that person or not depends on how close you are with a person that you cheated on and with. I completely disagree. Really? Yeah. So if you saw your friend, let's say Rosie, and he was dating some girl you didn't know

and he was cheating on her, would you tell your, uh, would you tell that girl? I think you would not. That's a different situation. You would not. If I did not. If I didn't know the girl. You would not. Oh my God, he's broken.

If I knew two people relatively well, if they're like 90s or 85s on your scale that you just fucking pulled from your asshole. I think the respectful thing to do is talk to your one friend who made the mistake and say

I know about this. You have to correct it. How does one correct it? it okay let me go back and time it oh and like force that person to tell the truth to his girlfriend

not maybe not like force them to tell him but like they know that someone else knows they're way more likely to be like alright I have to come clean I can't be like

you keep it quiet the three guys on the football team have to keep it quiet so let's say you have an acquaintance that you don't know very well and you see him

cheating on your sister with somebody else would you still talk to the acquaintance who you put at a 50 or him cheating on your sister with somebody else, would you still talk to the acquaintance who you put at a 50 or would you tell your sister? You know why? Because she's higher. She's higher than a 50. She's a goddamn 99. I'm sorry. She couldn't be upset. My sister's a 100. I love you. I love you, Sarah, Rachel, Liza, Hannah. You guys are all the best. I would punch anybody in the face if they cheated on you. But there are two separate instances. One is a stranger and someone you love. The other is two people that you know.

So your fucking algorithm doesn't work out. Okay, I'm saying the extreme versions. Okay, but let's say you see an acquaintance of yours cheating on a really good friend of yours. I tell my really good friend. Right, you tell the person that you're closer with. Bring it up to this guy's level, which is the advice we're talking about right now. Sister and best friend.

I think unless this best friend is closer to you than your sister. I think your number game gets too blurry up here. No, I think. When you're above a 50 on either person, it's too blurry. I think if your sister's 100 and this guy's a 99, your loyalty is your sister. You don't say anything. I quit. How about that? Last podcast ever, people. Jesus, you're taking off. 18.99 on this. i'm done actually the last two questions we've disagreed on i've been very callous for both of them oh yeah shit you know usually you come off as like the worst person in these but now i'm feeling i don't know ashamed of myself almost lobbying for the the permanent closure of these humane societies and

hiding cheating affairs i hate birds and relationships. How's that for fair? This isn't nice. This isn't good. I'm not coming off well. You know who is coming well, though? Those three kids on the football team. Hey-o, mercy.

Three different people. Three handjobs. Three handiesies it's like a fairy tale she gave three hand jobs to three people it was the same time too if you could imagine like some sort of vishnu cranking three pumps two of their hands and then the other one with her vagina so i guess it was sex i gave him a fucking hand job with my pussy oh Oh, God. All right, I'm back to being the more likable one. Sorry, yeah. Mom, you can turn it up now. How would she know?

Someone's listening for her. Mom? Mom! Stop washing the dish. Stop washing the dish. It's clean. Just scrubbing the same dish down to the porcelain nub Hands shaking because she knows I'm talking about chicks

There's nothing she hates more than knowing you talk about chicks Chicks and birds Birds and birds Because chicks used to be called birds Also chick is a bird Alright enough about that. You're alone in a room right now. Technically, a chick is a bird.

A chick is a bird. Baby chicken. I don't know. Are chickens birds? What about hens? All right. Question number four. We're running out of time, but we got to get through it.

Wait, maybe we should take that break. Oh, nice little break. We never take the breather. Let's take the breather. All right, what are you doing right now? I'm kind of flexing my arm. Been on a diet for the last three days. What do you mean, three days?

Today is Wednesday. This is the third day of your diet. Oh, today is, okay. You've been on a diet for two days. Yeah, yesterday. Also, what did you have for breakfast? I had a croissant today. And then what did you have,

what did you drink for breakfast? Coffee. With? Cream and sugar. Okay, so, so far today, which is the third day of your three-day diet, you've had cream, which is basically the liquid that separates butter from milk. Sugar, which is pretty much the worst part of a diet. This is a great friend.

This is not a breather. And a croissant, which is a carb-loaded, buttery pastry treat. And you know what? I'm still fucking ripped. So, there's that but you know what I guess it is. I guess it is a diet because for lunch you have Spinach For lunch. I've only eaten raw vegetables and lean meat for the past two days and for dinner I only eat vegetables and meat uh-huh so so you're leading a two-thirds carb free diet

You're living paleo You two-thirds of the day. You know, if you're going to eat carbs, you're supposed to eat them in the morning because you have all day to work them off. And if you don't eat carbs? If you don't eat carbs, then you're healthier than I am. Well, you need some carbs because, you know, you're working out. You need that energy to burn. I'm not sure if the paleo diet is as healthy as it sounds. But you get carbs from like some fruits, right?

That's true. There's definitely, nobody is like, oh, you need to eat like a croissant every day no yeah the thing why are you working out why why is this diet happening now i'm going to uh burning man uh-huh so i want to be able to take my shirt off and look strong what is burning man uh burning man is uh what is burning man yeah it's sort of like an exercise in radical self-expression uh-huh and that's according to the website and according to you it's like um i think it's like a where chicks just like walk around it's a seven day rave in the desert where i'm just gonna be uh you know they call it when they you have sex with burning man they call it dusting why because

everyone's so dusty and i guess you like pound each other and the dust flies off. Oh, wow. I mean, I don't think that actually happens but I guess that's what they call it. I'm sure that happens. Oh, I mean like

sex definitely happens and maybe the dust flies off. Maybe, who knows. 60,000 people? 60,000 people in the desert. And that's why you're not eating any carbs after 10 a.m. every morning?

Right, I want to look ripped. And then when you get to Burning Man, what's the diet like there? You only eat what you bring in so I guess I'm just gonna get like a bunch of cliff bars and stuff so back to regular carb carbo loading yeah or like maybe i'll get some jerky i don't really know you're just gonna arrive in the desert with 12 pounds of jerky i don't have so many fucking drugs it won't matter what i eat that's bad for an answer it's gonna be so sad when they play this clip at your funeral i'm gonna be on so many drugs it won't matter what i eat that's bad for an answer it's gonna be so sad when they

play this clip at your funeral i'm gonna be on so many drugs it doesn't matter what i eat at least he died happy starving on drugs all right last question let's get to it let's squeeze it in this one comes from president bartlett hey guys i am i'm in a pretty bad predicament my school is hosting a charity date auction and I was asked to participate. Unfortunately, I have no discernible talent to display at the show. Most of my talents are not something you can display on stage, if you know what I mean. No, really. I like having conversations about politics and the economy, but I'm not even sure that qualifies as a talent.

I tried learning to play the harmonica, but that's been a while and I'm pretty shitty at it. Should I try to improve on that before the show? Same goes for whistling, I guess. Hope to hear your thoughts on it. Jesus. Is there any way you can get out of the talent show?

Unfortunately, the school, he has asked him to participate and I guess he's committed at this point. His talent is, well, it's not really a talent. He just likes having conversations about politics and the economy. Right, yeah, your question is like, not sure if that qualifies as a talent. It doesn't. Okay.

And then he sort of goes. I like talking about some topics. Does that make me talented? Well, that's what we do here, and we assume we're talented. Oh, shit. Oh, my God, this is us. Start a podcast. I can't whistle.

I can't play the harmonica. We're just as talentless as this guy oh no but the thing is we're not signed up to perform at a talent show right there you go you know what i did at a talent show in eighth uh third grade which maybe this guy can cram in is uh memorizing all the presidents in Sort of difficult, sort of easy. It is somewhat of a talent because it's like, hey, you memorized 44 names or whatever. Right. You can say them really fast. Sure. It's probably more interesting. Do you still know them?

I know most of them in chunks. There's a few in the 20s that get a little hazy to me. But this is over 20 years ago I memorized it. Wow. So it just goes to show you how powerful your memory can be. I don't even know the second president. John Adams. There we go.

Do you know any other number? Like if I say one, that's George Washington. Is there any other number that I can name that you would know the president? I know 16 was Lincoln. That's true. I guess Barackama's 44 3 43 no no that's 40 i'm saying oh yeah i could go back from there for a while this is this is him on stage at the talent show uh so i know washington's one, Lincoln's 16, Obama, Bush, Clinton, the other Bush. I think it was Reagan before that, so I can go back a little bit.

Is anyone keeping track of how much I am? I mean, that's pretty good. Okay, whistling. Here we go. I guess you could say I have the blues about this. Oh, God. A tomato say I have the blues about this. Oh, God. A tomato. What about juggling?

I learned to juggle in like an hour. Is that true? Yeah. Juggling is not very hard. Yeah, but the juggling that you can do isn't good for a talent show. Three balls? Cry it out loud. Yeah, that's the minimum.

The minimum juggling is what you learn. I feel like the barrier for any talent show is nothing. They're begging him to perform. He doesn't even have a talent. So I think, yeah, juggling is what you learn. I feel like the barrier for any of this talent show is nothing. They're begging him to perform. He doesn't even have a talent. So I think, yeah, juggling is probably going to fly. Three balls? What's more impressive than three? The minimum amount of balls you can juggle.

People do two with one hand. Only when they're learning how to do three oh you know the other thing is uh we can do rubik's cubes oh yeah solve a rubik's cube in like under two minutes that looks kind of impressive i taught i taught myself that well not really i i did it from a youtube tutorial you can youtube rubik's cube tips and there's this whole tutorial that shows you how to do a Rubik's Cube. Yeah, then you speed it up. Me and you used to have a contest. My time, I feel like I remember I got it to 2.18 and then we were trying to get it under two minutes and you did it under two minutes. Right, and then we both forgot how to do it.

That's true, but if it's fresh in your mind, you could totally do it on stage. That would be cool. I'm pretty into the idea of little weird party tricks like that just to keep my brain sharp and to hopefully impress someone one day the rubik's cube thing has never paid off but i recently learned how to memorize a deck of cards that's something i want to sort of try doing like remember like looking at a deck of cards and then a minute later being able to recite the order right that'd be really

cool would that be impressive definitely so i would try to learn a music instrument right now like a harmonica no you it's gonna take a lot of practice to be actually impressively good at the harmonica. But memory. Memory is the shit. Yeah. Memory is the way to go. That's our advice. If I were you, I'd...

This was the most genuine advice we've ever given. I don't think we made fun of him enough. Let's release a bonus podcast where for half an hour... We turn into this talentless loser. Who we just found out is slightly more if not equally talented than us. Alright, we are way, way, way long.

Yeah, thanks so much for listening, everybody. The email address, oh, we totally didn't even mention what the email address was, which is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com Email us in. We'll do our best to answer your questions, try to get you out of the sticky situations that you find yourself in or at the very least we'll try to make fun of you a

little bit yeah um what else can we plug what else can we talk about um oh our youtube account that's right we're just we're uploading episodes to youtube now yeah so you can listen to it if you go to youtube.com slash if i were you show, you can watch our videos there. We also did a video episode of a podcast. We want to do another one, hopefully in September and October. So all our videos will go there. Check that out. And thanks for listening on SoundCloud and on iTunes.

Y'all are the best. Y'all really are the best. Y'all are the best. And please keep the theme song submissions coming. We started to get really awesome ones more and more now. And that first one theme song submissions coming. We started to get like really awesome ones more and more now. And that first one was from a guy named Jacques

Snow, which you really liked. I loved it. And this one is from a guy named Gianni. G-I-A-N-N-I. Is that Gianni or just Johnny but spelled

Italian-y? Gianni, I think. Gianni. Gianni Aiello. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. The just two guys who try to offer you advice

Though they're not really qualified to do so Amir and Jake, sometimes cool guests If I were you If I were you you